Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Helen Bauer S10E29

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Helen BauerHelen Bauer - https://twitter.com/helenbabauerPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A cast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boris, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts. Hey Kest helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

AKest.com Greetings, listener dear, we are back in your ears and in your week with a beef brothers called Cuts, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew. Welcome to the show. We've got an amazing guest on today's show, Helen Bauer, very, very funny comedian and podcaster.

And we had a really, really good time chatting to her. And you know what? What I liked about Helen is Argy Bargy all the way. She really, you know, she doesn't let us rest on our laurels. She gives us good as she gets. And sometimes better than she gets. Very much so. All guns blazing from power, bowler.

It was a real treat to talk to her. We covered a lot of topics. And we managed to, I mean, some, one of the most extraordinary beefs, I think we've ever read it, unfurled like an epic. It was like the crime and punishment of beefs. Well, it's interesting as well. It's actually a beef that you sort of asked, you know, unwittingly, you actually asked for that beef.

You know, you could almost say you prayed for it to arrive. Seek and you shall find. It's not at the door. It's exactly right. The door shall be opened onto you. So, yes, look forward to that. Listen, Adia, you're in for a real treat. Yes, if you like Helen, by the way, do listen to her podcast. She does with Rosie Jones. Another brilliant stand-up. It's called Daddy Look at Me, you can get that from wherever you get your podcasts,

but enjoy the episode. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem, call it a B, if you've got a B, maybe we can help you be from the sorting at your B. You're in a flat share situation now, what kind of a flatmate are you to live with? I'm great, I'm a really good house mate, I think. The only problem is, is that I have this problem

with bread being in the house, because if it's there, then I'll eat it. And I know that sounds like I'm just greedy in stealing food, but I genuinely think it's like a medical compulsion. Wow, it's into bread, yeah? Yeah, because it's like, I know I shouldn't eat her bread, but if it's there, I can't focus on anything else until the bread is gone.

Like, it's sort of like a hyper-focus. Like, I don't know, maybe like the drug addiction, but kind of worse, I guess you could say. I'd say like, it's worth it so much more readily available. You know, drugs, you've got to go down as, you've got, you've got, you've got, you've got readily available. Thank you Clark. Yes, you've got to go down a you've got to go down as like a We just say thank you for breadly available The record show I never said great joke. I said thank you. All right. You've got to just keep the confidence up You've got to put the move on People all super all love that big time mega. I'm very needy

We must so I'm gonna ask I was gonna ask is it? Is it particularly decent bread? I'm very mean. Okay, I used to work in the sourdough bakery, so I do know what nice bread tastes like. So before we get into the craving of sourdough. No, I'm not. I'm just saying, if she brings home like a white sliced, are you still eating all of that as well? Well, that thing, all she brings home is white sliced. It's like Morrison's own brand a white sliced. Are you still eating all of that as well? Or are you going to eat it? All she brings home is white sliced. It's like Morrison's own brand, white sliced shit. But I will, it's not even, I don't need to question it.

Like it's just bread, it's just bread. And then I always have butter and I'm just like dipping it and just like she, in normal life, to get in about COVID. Like she's out Monday to Friday, 9 to 5. I'm so nervous because she's literally downstairs right now. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Shut your whole mouth.

And it was Emily's black. She's my best friend since I was four years old. We shouldn't be living together. Basically, she buys a pack of bread. And I am stuffing myself full of it to the point where like, I know that she's like spoken before being like, can you just let me know once it's eaten, no, so I can buy bread because there was a come home and there's no bread left. And I'm like, yes, but I'm not

going to do it anymore. That's what I always say. To the point where I've had to go and buy the same bread and then put it in her bag to make it look like I didn't do it. Like that psychotic behaviour. Can I ask, did you get fired from the sourdough bakery when you were working? No, because I don't have lots of access to bread because there was always a couple of loads that I miss shape and which I got to take home with me and short they did say save some for the rest of the staff. At the end of the day I've got a bigger appetite so it is for me. I think I was really good on my work force.

So we'll say now that bakery has closed down. Shout to the brick house and he's done it. It is gone. You ate them out of business. You did! Oh my god! Were you getting lobes and sort of squeezed them and going, yeah, it feels a bit misshapen that one. I'll just bend that slightly Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do I did the big because knock on it and listen to me like that sounds a bit. Oh, oh

Like family business. Oh my god. They've got a kid You were literally stealing bread from their mouths. He's thinking I should call that! I think we should pause the recording while you make a few foreign phones call. This is an intervention. This is an intervention actually. There is no podcast. We're actually going to get your house mate in here. She's working. So it's only a matter of time before she gets some kind of combination lock on that bread bin.

And I was going to say she has to lock you out. I was going to say, do you think that it's because she's buying like the cheapest loaf? Is there a chance that it's a decoy loaf? No, because she's got like fucking worst tasteburns out. I like she's thick. Like she isn't like, there's no stress for that. Like I know she has hidden food from me before, like over 100% like seeing that.

But like I've been secret eating and stealing food since I was probably about 10 years old. So I'll smell it out. Like if it's in her room, and this is like the most basic woman of all time, like her room was just like a vanilla deck. Like she loves a vanilla candle, but now it's the same. I get a whole life from that as well. I feel like it was a vanilla candle, but now it's the same. I get a life in that as well.

I don't think she's fine. You can smell through the vanilla. That's how keen your sense of smell is. You're going like, there's vanilla, but there's a little hint of some mighty white underneath that. I'm going in. I know she's not wearing nice bread because she still wears the same perfume.

We were warm, we were in 18, which is called Riroang Princess, and she's still on it. and she's going to be 30 and not show that. So, you are talking about better. Helen, you're talking to a Lynx Africa man in Tom Paris. Tom Paris for Lynx Africa since he was 14. Tom, we've hung out. Why didn't I know that it's disgusting? You probably, we hung out and you probably thought, hey, he smells quite good and that's because Link's Africa smells quite good. I wear it well. It's a good advert.

I wish they'd rub it that. Link's Africa smells quite good. Tell you what Link's Africa you're fitting really well. You know, Bayzing Stoke. Oh, yes, please. The views in the more I'm Bayzing Stoke because the weekends, as of links, I swear down. Hey, please go there and be with your people.

Do you think that's the only place someone could take a loaf of bread and not get it sniffed out, right? I reckon that all like the sewage treatment works. I think that's my dad works at the sewage treatment work. So it's like family doesn't have a thing. Like I think if there was loaf of bread there, I might leave it but it isn't anywhere in the house but there you go if he's got such a problem with it then she should just stop buying bread. I've had an idea well what what about a scented candle that gives the smell of freshly baked bread?

oh my god it'd be so popular Tom I think you've just made yourself a millionaire. I'm freaking out A baked bread-cented candle like I said, it's a god you could sell that I'm dying from eating a candle Oh Because you said you ate loads of bread, I was making a joke. You said you were going to grab a stick! I'm on mobile! What the fuck? You said he ate it! Oh, come on! Helen, now, please, you've got to understand where I made that joke is because you ate loads of bread.

It's not because you're fat. Helen, you've seen confat! No! That's just... Yes! No, I actually, I'm into this bread smell. But Yankee candle must know, because Yankee Candle did that I would know about it, could never go to Least or I could get Yankee Candle shop and check out the new range.

I know someone who makes their own Candles, and I know someone who runs a Candle shop. I could make this happen. Are you serious? I'm really serious, yeah. He runs a recycled Candle shop, he gets old Candles, burns them, and makes new Candles. He's a millionaire. Off we go. He gets old candles burns and that makes new candles. He's a millionaire off we go He's not millionaire Sounds like a millionaire

Let's do it. Do you want to stop recording right now? I think let's yeah, we always want to stop recording And then there'll be a really good training exercise for me I could be like a bomb dog and they'll be like let's get all the bread addicts, and they have to go to a room, and they put the bread candle in there, and they're like, is there bread in here, or is it just the candle? It'll be shiny. And then you find the candle, and then you eat it.

Yeah. Oh, well, I can look like a cadaver dog, we just sit down in front of it, but until someone comes, that's the little thing. Yeah. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, it's not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your house on the market, make the house smell of something nice like cookies or fresh bread.

You can just light the fresh bread candle. Yeah. Such a good idea. Surely someone's done this. This is too good because that is a massive thing, isn't it? Make your house smell like a freshly like, oh my god. Yeah, I know they do like the smell of cookies in a can is the thing you can get that they spray around like real estate agents in America will do it, they'll spray it around cookies in a can. But so it must be bread in a candle. If there's cookies in a can there's going to be bread in a candle. It's not the embarrassing few Tom, no, you can smell like cookies and you still choose links Africa.

Oh no, I thought that. I thought that was real stuff. I thought that's not a bad aftershave. It is weird that with aftershaves and perfumes. They're never like, they're never the smell of something you'd actually want to consume, right? Yeah. Are you freaking kidding me? Follow me on a journey through my freaking quest.

Oh, okay. Here we go. That would suck it. I love a cent. So this smells literally just like honey. And it's called honey oh shrunk the kids The kids where did you get it from? Lush thank you

I'm Can I mute Tom for a minute while I just talk about this is being like super aggressive towards me Oh, here we go. Oh, can I mute Tom for a minute while I just talk about this because he's being like super aggressive towards me. Oh, I don't have the power to mute it. Damn it, Emma, can you meet him please, thank you. And then this one is Rose Jam. And it smells like Jam made of roses.

What? That sounds nice actually, I like Rose T. Okay, but here's the thing, here's the problem. It's called Rose Jam, but what it is is just mushed up roses And then they charge you 45 quid for it. They're like go, oh, let's be cookey. It's mango go go go What's in it? Oh mango and lard how much was it? 75 pounds

You paint for the bottle and the service of the people in the shop as well. So like beat respectful You can't just rub mango on your body though and expect to smell that mango for the rest of the day. There's something else in it that keeps the mango smell in there. It's sent your oils, baby. There we go. There we go. Thank you, Helen.

There are essential oils. What are you saying, Harry? What have you got there? It's a fresh, red, accented candle. Oh, I think you've knocked your mic out, Tom. I think it's a to my count Tom. I think it's that because I wanted to muted so badly. He's actually. Lush is a very powerful organization.

They will do anything to silence their critics. There is a fresh baked bread-centred candle, nine pounds on. Well, Amazon, it's on. No, for nine quid, you're not getting it. It's not going to be a good fresh bread scent. We're talking about a high-end fresh bread scented candle. I'll just go about the lush version of the scented candle. It's going to be 25 quid minimum.

I'll do it. I'll buy it. That's the thing. Idiots like me will be like, I've got to have it. I'll make my life better. The lush version will have just, it'll just be real bread in a tin. And it's like, yeah, and you'll pay 40 quid for it. Why do you keep saying these ridiculous amounts of money?

You know it's not 40 quid for a soap with bread and it, like... My wife has an intense lush habit that is costing a lot of money. Yeah, I'm just trying to fucking smell of links Africa, give her a break. Listen, you can say what you like about links. It's affordable, okay? I get a very large tub of links for two pounds. You get what you pay for.

You can't get anything from lush for two pounds. Can I just pick up on the word tub? Format are you getting links in? I thought you were getting a spray. It gets in like a margarine tub. No, you can't even think of like gets in like a margarine tub. No. You can't even say like, X-recreme just slapping it on in.

Do you wrap it on your chest at your, cure a cold? Is that what you're trying to do here? Is it like a vapour? I get the pure essence of Africa. I do remember it from the, straight from the factory. One, one year in Edinburgh, you, you found out that I'd spent like 40 quid on some after shave

and you, it absolutely blew your mind. So the point where you like you mentioned it on stage because you thought everyone was gonna be so shocked by that. And no one was. No, that's the price of aftershave. Also it was a hundred million bottle. It was, you know, it's a big big bottle. No that's reasonable. Tom was happening with you babe, do you know what I'm talking about it? Just place your hand on your chest and just take a deep breath because you're not really having a bit of a panic. I'm just kidding. Why do you feel threatened by other men spending that sort of money on cosmetics? Is it a type of thing or a childhood thing? What's happening, babes?

Listen. Oh, bless it was crying. No, take a minute. Have a name. Look, I'm contracted to links for life. Oh, you raised your hand now. Just pop it down. I'm going to do it. Oh, he's crying! No, take a minute. LAUGHTER Out of the name. Look, I'm contracted to Lynx for life.

Well, you raised your hand now, just pop it down, you know. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Get from the zoning at your beach! Right, well, listen, we're not going to solve Tom's Lynx problem. Should we solve some of the listeners' beef since then? Yes, we're going to do now Tom's links problem. Should we solve some of the listeners beef since then? Yes, we do now. Please, links beef.

Helen, do you want to do the one that I said is a great list? That's a great list. Lovely list. Okay, let's read out this email. Here we go. Read out who it's from. Front name's only, please. Yes, front name's only. Front name's Joel. It's Joel and Bristol.

Joel and Bristol. Oh, that's gross. Welcome Joel. Could you imagine it's Joel and Bristol. Joel and Bristol. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, it's a good one. Welcome Joel. Could you imagine it was Joel? Okay, it's Joel, don't go. The stop reason, I feel and say slash fat met flatmate of two years, which is weird already, just say your fiance, considers the arm rest of sofas to be a perfectly valid storage

solution. On any given day, you will find, notepads, receipts, make-up brushes and onion seeds. In the space it is traditionally reserved for one's arm. Perhaps most troubling of all the sofa armrests are also regularly used to store mugs after and cups of tea and plates after a meal until taken to the kitchen, which in our household isn't necessarily as promptly as others. The other day the laptop fell off. Oh no. Don't worry guys, it survived unscathed.

While she was the one that keeps it there, I feel that as I was sitting on that side of the sofa at the time, I would have been cast as the bad guy and there if there had been any damage. They've also attached a picture. Can you guys all got the picture? I've got the picture. I can send it to you guys. Hang on a second. I mean it's basically an armrest with a Joe Wicks book on it, which is a quick and amazing

and a passport. It's exactly as you'd imagine. But yeah, sorry, I meant to do that before this. And then basically they're just like, is this reasonable behaviour? Am I potentially the villain of the piece for not embracing this maverick storage solution? We do live in a small flat-arfer all, and in all honesty, I am not the tidesist either. However, I do listen to puppies, so I'm clearly not a bad guy. I do hope the jury finds in my favour as I'm living on a knife edge where one wrong move

can spell the end of for crockery, by the end for crockery and expensive technology and book and onion seed damage. Thanks for your help with all the beef all with the beef all. I think thanks for your help with the beef all. You know I'm a big ass shirt this is tricky. I'm like I'm thicker shit. This is tricky. I'm not Joel read by me. I've beautifully read beautifully read. Thank you very much right the pictures in the in the in the flat show lockdown doc by the way So if you want to have a look at it there, but it's exactly as as Helen described it It's a it's a classic sort of leather leatherette sofa with a load of stuff the problem problem he's got is he's got the very wide, those very wide arms of a sofa. Yeah.

I mean, they do look like little shelves. You can see why it happens. I get the temptation. I get it. The temptation is definitely there. It's just there. And you've got as well, like if you're in an untidy flat, the thing is once you, you know, once a flat becomes untidy then space becomes

A premium right? So any any surface can be used to do a sort of vague At least you're not putting stuff on the floor. What about a basket would a basket be the solution here? I was just a nice shallow basket that can put it in a plates in Put it in the sink and then wash them up. Plates, it's a no brainer, right? You can't know plates left around. Let's get rid of that.

Plates go to the kitchen, fucking straight away. No problem. That's a no brainer. But this kind of, these books, this laptop, this kind of remote control, that kind of realm, what's wrong with a nice basket? You know, that can start on the armrest, go down on the floor, go up on the shelf, travel around. Hello, yes please.

I did have a minute to call with three men discussing a basket before and I'm freaking looting my mind. We're talking about candles, we're talking about baskets. We're quite, you know, it's quite craft heavy, isn't it? This, uh, this jacket. Super cute, it's ridiculous. So, how'd you, how'd you feel about a basket bar? I'm a big fan of the basket. I think it's a great idea.

I just think like clearly these people are lazy scum. Um, like, Joel's like throwing blame and shade at her. She can't give a fuck. Yeah, problems. You know, it's not going to work out long time. How long until the marriage? They're going, they just let's say how long to the marriage. I'm assuming it's going to be a while because of COVID, right? Yeah, yeah, tends to postpone a lot of waiting at the moment, yeah. So like, I think that we postponed at the moment, which is a shame. Onion seeds, I'm not quite sure why there's onion seeds anywhere other than just in a plant pot.

So that's one that you can sort out pretty easy, right? Yeah. Or as onion seed and ingredients, I'm just thinking of it as an actual thing that you grow an onion from. But now I'm going to put onion, Do you grow an onion from a seed? Onion seed, I mean, you worked in the sourdough bread factory. It feels like that might be a type of loaf, doesn't it? Onion seed loaf feels like... Is onion seed been a little black seed, in some way?

No? That's possible. Do you know what? This is the weird thing I've never seen in onion seed. I've only seen onions. I've never even thought of where onions come from. I'm just just getting from the supermarket. Where do onions come from, Malo? Like... Well, presumably they... They plant the seeds and they grow in the...

On the... Is it... They grow on the vine? Are they growing onions? Like a tomato! Yeah. I'm saying... I grow like potatoes, don't they? I'm saying in the garden. I'm saying in the garden. I'm saying in the garden. I'm going ground, you're going for it. Spring onions are above ground, aren't they? But you're slowing down.

No. Right, but I'm taking this, we don't know. I'm taking this from where, like, what's covered in crap when you get it from the supermarket? Potatoes, covered in dirt, mushrooms, covered in dirt, onions, clean as a fucking whistle. That's a good point. That's a good point. They grow in a tree. No, I think they're on the air.

I think they're above ground. What? They're a root vegetable. You think there's an onion tree? Hang on a sec. They grow, yeah, you're right, Clarky. They grow above the... Because they've got little roots hanging out at the bottom, haven't they?

What, so they sit on the top of the ground? They sit on the top, yeah. In a bush. No, no, no. I'm not a bush, you fucking idiot. Like, obviously not. Just follow the conversation and then join back with it. No, no, no, no.

Oh, hell no. We need you around more often. This is so refreshing. No, I think Clark is right. They rest on the soil. Well, like, there's little ballards in the fields. They're not ballards or like balls. They're like fucking onions.

There are little balls. Onions are a bit like balls. Let's not get too long. They're more like onions. Imagine an onion on the ground. You need a bit like balls. Onions are a bit like balls. Let's not get too much. They're more like onions. They, look, imagine an onion on the ground. You need to change your attitude. I love that. Oh, there's a imagination scape is painting for you, Gama.

Okay, imagine the ground. What's an imagination scape? It's what he's painting. It's what I'm trying to do right now, if you give me half a second. Imagine the ground covered in soil, sitting on top of that ground, right? Flush to the soil. Like a ballad. No, ballads aren't flush to the soil,

but you know, as you ballads pop it out the soil, they come out of concrete. They're not that shally recovery, get shally tom. No, exactly. I love it if they were. So ballads are actually a plan. Why ballads are expensive? Well, you know, you can't get in this time of year, can you? That's not how it works. Sorry, but they grow in the, that means they're in the ground. Bit to them are. Bit to them are, but the onion itself is on top of the grounds. I'm getting this, because it's like, I think now I've got a memory of like them being in school

and they'll be able to talk about plastic bottle and then they, like, the beard. Don't grow on top of a plastic bottle. And school they do. and then they like the beard. I don't grow on top of a plastic bottle. I'm so full of it, dude. What, so skulls growing in your plastic bottle? I mean, that's a using glass. It doesn't go on cotton wool. I know it doesn't grow on cotton wool at the wild, but in my kitchen it grows on cotton wool.

Is the wool on the ground? He's actually pissed me off. LAUGHTER Let's not talk about. Also, I like the fact I'm really arguing, you know, for Cypherasty for onions being on the soil. I've got no clue. You don't know. They grow shoots at the top of them, though, so I think that they're...

Oh yeah, the shoots are above grind, but the onion themselves is in the ground. I don't see it. I'm going to fucking shoot. You don't. What's this coming from? This knowledge, Tom. He's in the ground. I don't see it. I'm in the fucking ground. You talk. Where's this coming from, this knowledge, Tom? My brain from being in the world. But is that just short word of action?

I mean, in the field. Yeah, the onion land. Not the onion land, see? Damn. Damn it. I don't need time. I was gonna regret this email so much. This is a no use to him, that's what I was talking about. Yeah, that's very true.

That's very true. The onion seeds. So that's, so he's, oh, you can actually see the onion seeds there, actually, in the picture. Yeah, they grow. They grow. They're in little packets.

They're not a bad name for a band. The onion seeds. Yeah, I can see the onion seeds if they're playing at Glastabri. Yeah, it's a good name, a band. The onion seeds. Yeah, I'd go and see the onion seeds if they were playing it last a very. Yeah, it's a good name actually, isn't it? Finally we agree on something. Oh, shut up. I think they seem quite lazy and don't want to care off of themselves.

They should get one of those, you know those old lady teed trolley things that you push, like they should just have that in the living room and they just pile up with stuff and they spend the rest of the day going around the flat, just distributing the stuff at the end of the day. They have to keep on picking things up. Do you want to mean like another surf to drop things on? Am I making sense? Yes, yeah, of course, of course you are. Okay, you've got of course you are. I think the onions have been of a bit of a red herring here. Yeah, forget about the onion. Let's not think about the onion anymore. Let's talk about the surface area, which I think is what Helen was trying to do.

I was, yeah, and also I already said we should move away from the onion and now you're telling me back to me what I already said. I think Thomas telling telling me because I didn't listen to you first time. Guys, I've had an idea. Let's move away from the union, okay? Oh, that's a really good idea actually, Tom. Now look, this chick's got something to say. I think we hear her right, okay? I'm gonna pull away her metal on my ass, your scratch.

Oh, do it again, man. I'm gonna pull away her metal on my ass, your scratch. Oh, do it on camera! Very quickly, I feel like it's really shitty that she's leaving all this stuff on the arm because it is annoying when you want to stretch out, but it feels really messy in the rest of the house which it sounds like he is, he's missing to it. Well, then does he just do it on the floor? I was going to mention in the photo, and this could be her, so it could be his, but there's a guitar and there's lots of wires on the floor and effects pedals. And if those are indeed his, you think what you should do, clean your own shit first,

have a nice, for everything. You say women can't play the guitar class? I'm not saying that at all, because I did qualify that maybe that is hers. Right. Yeah, we just, we're talking about his general mess, aren't we? He needs to sort out his mess so that there is, yes, I think that's exactly, exactly right. But it's small steps, isn't it? Like, I think Joe, like, if he wants to attack the whole problem, he can't just sort of be like,

there's a Joe Wicks, but there's a passport there there's onions seeds plates as mugs laptops like he just needs to be like hey how about we just take our plates back to the kitchen and just start there and then slowly over time like neck hurt and manipulate her and feeling she's not doing good enough because letting you down just with little things like oh I wish I could stretch out oh that's there again no I'm sure you are super tired. It's just that we both work. And doing things like that until it's slowly, you'll see it, which is on the brink of mental collapse. And that's when you really go for discussion and go, you fucking discuss me, you're a dirty piece of shit. I hate you. And then just see how it goes from there.

It's all I would have to work up to that. I think that's all I know. You've got to really make sure the self-esteem is low, low, low, low, low, low, low, before you go in with the attack. Just work it, chill, low, edit for a couple of years. Because what you don't want to say is you're a piece of shit and then to fire back you're an even bigger piece of shit. What you want them to say is, yes, yeah, I'm, I'm helping you, you're helping me.

I need you to fix me. That's what you're looking for, isn't it? Yes. And that's where you pick up your guitar. B-W-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O- bad solution, but I think, well, there are two ways to look at it. You either crush her will or tie it up your own fucking mess. They're both good bits of advice, though. I can't see a logical flaw in either of them. Yeah, it's really. Yeah, it's really. Which one's right and which one's wrong in that scenario?

Right, beef closed. Bleh. Which one are we going to go for, guys? Sorry, Tom. Both of them. Or just get a nest of baskets, have a basket for everything there. You've got a passport basket. You've got a magazine basket. You've got a plate basket. A fucking basket thing is like I solved it straight away I'm afraid to say. The basket thing's the answer isn't it? Baskets. Bang, move on. I don't know. If I've got a load of books in my house that I don't know where to put, I'm thinking shelf

before I think basket. Yeah, I think this is just sounds like you're just creating like an Easter bunny sort of like paradise for them. And it's like a nice young couple. I don't think they want to be living that life. I'm not talking about like a bonnet type basket. You know, like a bonnet type basket. You know what I mean? You know, like not one of those bad boys. You're not talking about basket

with a handle in the game line. What's your secret basket? I'm talking about a nice flat base low walled have a good time basket. No, a low walled have a good time basket. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all confusing in bonnet basket. We're going to be selling the same line as the said to Candles. I'm not talking about past the only thing.

I don't want it, it's a sad, it doesn't match. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Of course it matches. Great, be soft, Dave. Be soft. From the starting I can be! It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well almost, almost anything.

So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No, but turtles the dessert? Yes, because those are groceries, and we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert? Yes. Because those are groceries. And we deliver those too.

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Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boros, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcast everywhere. Ecast.com. Harry, you've got this one for us, haven't you?

Church beef from James via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Dear puppies, I was listening to a cold cuts cast with Ivo Graham and you mentioned your desire for a church Slash none based beef Oh, hello, that does sound like Tom Tom you're always putting the shout out to two out two to religious people I was gonna say have you heard have you seen on Netflix? There's a new series just come out called warrior none I was like parry is gonna love that shit. Check it out, although the worry and none. Does slightly stomp on a sketch.

I am writing at the moment. Oh. Maybe this problem will quench your faith-based beef thirst until a bigger and more prominent faith leader can bring you one. We're not holding out for the Dalai Lama to get. If the Pope is listening get in touch. We know you're a fan. I've listened for a while and remember you are mentioning

the evil either grown up around the church or been involved in a positive way at some time or another. Alongside your usual beef solving credentials, this makes you more qualified to help me. At this stage we have, we've got to ask Helen. Helen, have you got a church background for us? Yeah, baby, Sunday school until I was 12, church choir until I got kicked out when I was 11 and girls brigade. Love it. What were you kicked out for, please? Oh, it's fucking Chloe Nelms, her mum rung the choir and then her mum gave her all the solos And I pointed it out and I suggest that we sing Gavpur and the cybergarif gates and apparently it's not super religious

So that was like a problem with that I literally I'm like I'm alright, but I don't get a so long amount Anything had the communion bread god missing? Methodist Okay, here we go bread god missing. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that serve two wonderful communities. One of these communities is a reasonably middle class area, clean, comfortable, and mainly suburban in makeup.

The other is centered in one of the hundred most deprived estates in the UK. A remnant of the post-war bruce list dream that has been left to decay and fester. Poverty levels are high, education, and opportunities are low. Sister Act 2. Yes, this is what we get we've got here, isn't it?

As you can imagine. We got Lauren Hill. Yeah, absolutely. As you can imagine. Jennifer, love you, it in on the mix. I don't mind you. As you can imagine, this creates some interesting dynamics. One has community projects where moms meet for tea

and the board games club on a Wednesday night. The other operates a series of referral-based charities, food bank, community wardrobe, community fridge, addiction support groups and a large and vibrant youth club. What's the first group? So the second group, very, obviously very, very important work. What's the first thing they're doing? Mums meet for tea and a board games club. Okay, all right, so there's the social aspect of the church as well. So they're okay, the social and the charity happening at. Okay, all right, so there's the social aspect of the church as well. So they're okay, the social and the charity

happening in tandem, got it, okay. Yeah, but like that's what they're saying is like the one community, the one church, their community projects are mom's meet for tea and a board games club. But the other one is food bank, community wardrobe, community fridge, addictions of course,

and a large and vibrant youth club. And that sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it? That youth club is very vibrant. Up and coming. When I, when I was a teacher, our school got given the challenging and robust title. That was what we get. Which basically meant you're going to get stabbed. It's a robust challenge. If you find the idea of being alive, a little challenging. It's a robust youth club, okay. It's quite the wrong end of knives, robust. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's come to teach at our school. Right. The location in our more deprived location has run out of space. The various charities and community groups that use the facility are on top of each other. This is now creating a lot of tension. A particular issue has arisen at our fortnightly well-being sessions. We've read a cafe that is staffed by trained counsellors that has a focus on holistic well-being and mental health. There are guided meditations, palatase and even a masseuse.

Wow, it sounds amazing. It's a popular session and the support it offers is a pathway for many people to receive the care and attention they need for mental health issues. Our community fridge meets afterwards. Local soup, the community fridge sounds like a great nickname for someone, doesn't it? Our community fridge meets just afterwards. Local supermarket to manufacturers donate leftover food that would be wasted or cannot sold. It's then shared out to the community. They take a semi-regular donation

from a local supermarket during the wellbeing session. Usually it is chilled food, so it must be moved to our fridge as fast as possible so as not to spoil. To get to the food storage fridges, you need to go through our second smaller auditorium. These deliveries have for several months interrupted several guided meditation sessions that take place in the second auditorium. The lady who leaves these, Karen, is a quiet, very well-spoken, kind and thoughtful person. She's married to an ex-policeman, Paul. He's a clean

cut and organized man. They attend a more affluent church for spiritual services but serve in the more deprived community building. God, this is like a BBC series. It's amazing. This is a soap opera. I'm trying to keep hold of all the characters. We've got the Karen who runs the meditation. Paul is her ex-copper husband and they're both the sort of well to do guys. Okay, who else have we got? The lady who runs the community fridge, Jill is also wonderful. She is kind and thoughtful and serves our church and community with passion and love. She's also incredibly driven. She knows what she wants and she would tell you in no short term if you're in her way. Another euphemism. Another... Yes. She's very driven. She's very driven.

Jill is doing God's work. Be respectful. If she's so driven, she's almost run me over on a few occasions. You can see why James is such a good pastor. He's doing a very driven. She's very dedicated. He's very spirited. He's father diplomacy, he really is.

So, no, father diplomacy is another character we're going to meet in a minute. Along with the midnight misuse. Okay, so Jill and her, so Jill and her husband have lived on the estate most of their lives. I doubt they could ever bring themselves to leave. Her husband is a bit of a legend in the local area. His nickname is mad dog. He is a large heavily tattooed man with a reputation and the record to back it up. He's also known as the community fridge as well. He's in his late 50s now. He's massive and cold. Yeah. We all know, I think we all know him, my dog. He's in his late 50s now so those days are behind him but the reputation still stands. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Karen would never confront Jill about the interruptions. She's two middle manned. Instead she talks to her husband, the ex

copper, Paul. Paul has now taken it upon himself to patrol the guided meditation sessions. Stop anyone from interrupting. This includes Jill who's trying to get the refrigerator deliveries to the community fridge. This is Anger Jill and thus Mad Dog as well. Oh this is great. Paul. Paul. Paul and Mad Dog have history. Of course they do. Paul, I am so tense, I cannot handle this story. Yeah. Paul in his previous professional capacity had many dealings with Mad Dog. Can I just stop and say we spent about 45 minutes talk about fucking onions. And that and that beef isn't closed either. We're going to show. Mad Dog even blames him for a particularly extended stay at a majesty's pleasure.

Oh no. They've never been friends in our church, but they keep, they've kept things cordial as their wives are heavily involved. Mad Dog is making threats against anyone who gets in the way of his wife, and has said he will now be present at all community fridge deliveries. Like protection. Yeah. So far, there's not been a delivery guided meditation clash, but it can only be a matter of time. Help me, Pappies, and friend of the show Helen Bauer.

What should I do? I can't move the wellbeing sessions as the venue is already fully booked. I can't stop the well-being sessions as the venue is already fully booked. I can't stop the community fridge deliveries as this one supermarket can only release their left over products at that time each week and if we don't take it they'll have to bin it. I'm scared of what Mad Dog will do. I'm scared of how Paul will react. How can I avert a future crisis? I've changed most of the names in this request, but I have to leave in mad dog. I genuinely didn't know his real name for the first two

years. Everyone knows him by that name. Even Jill calls him mad or just dog. Can we get in like that? Key, put the great work puppies, blessings, James. Wow. Wow. Blessings to you, James. Thank you for that message. Oh my God. Where to begin?

Well, personally, I think we'd all like to say if my dog is listening, we see for respect him and we think, oh, wow. I know who's side I'm gonna come down on in this just in case. Yeah, my dog wins. Shout out to you, my dog. Here, great guy. Keep him going. My dog.

I've been just by a shed for the delivery from the fridge. I'm just a legend. I've got a suggestion, too. Get this for a solution. I thought of that initially. I thought by yourself a small fridge that you can keep the food in as an interim fridge, and then James is unfortunately

after ferry the food himself. A lot of extra work for James, but it involves a ruckus. But I've thought of actually, this is staring us right in the face, right? A reformed mad dog, okay? What does a reformed mad dog need more than anybody else? Guided meditation.

Hello. Sign him up. Get him in there. Sign him up mad dog. Get mad dog in there. You've got to go very softly, softly. You can't say on the first, oh mad dog, you're fucking crackers.

You go and do that. You've got to say, hey listen, I've been doing it myself. I've actually found it really, you know, I've found it a really, really good way to get myself centered, to get myself grounded, to sort of realign myself. You know, it's just a little tune up for

my mind. I really, really enjoy it. Do you want to come with me as a, as a, as a, as a chum? Mad Dog and James go to the guided meditation together, and then Mad Dog doesn't mind that occasionally there's a bit of a disruption because he's not gonna, you know, he's not going to complain, but also the presence of Mad dog means no one else is going to complain. I've got another idea. Okay. Sort of like someone you're talking about. It's not because all you're doing is okay. For a good reason. There's big meditation when there are interruptions and he's going to be mid through like an escape and his head and then all of a sudden he comes with the French delivery.

But it'll be for his wife's stuff, he'll be able to put it out his, he won't mind. When you're not going to complain because Mad Dog's there. When you say he's going through an escape in his head, is he escaping from prison? Okay. I'm sure it's one of the guys. I'm sure it's one of the guys. But it doesn't work that way. Like I meditate, I'm still a six foot one angry German woman.

Like you're still you, you're capable of taking that. Sure, okay, yeah, you're right, it doesn't fundamentally change your personality, but it could be useful to him. All right, okay, I threw it out there. This is something I'll use this next time I do my guardian meditation.

I'm also Helen. Helen, stick with that guardian meditation stuff because you are very angry. I must tell you my help. Oh my gosh, question ban. Okay, what did you have for us? She's very driven, Helen, isn't she? She's very driven. I like to call myself Focus that I'm ambitious A couple of big cold boxes.

I thought you've got to tell it. That's about it. But I think it's essentially, and I realize it's essentially a nester basket. OK. Some cold-ass baskets. Is that what we're saying? Yes, some really cold baskets, yeah. Or the foods, or the foods can stay cold in a cold box

for at least a few hours. It'll be transportable, because it'll be in something that you can, with handles that you can lift up. So I'm just putting it in the cold boxes. No one's there. Yeah, but disrupted. Okay, who's delivering it to the fridges?

Are you saying that Gill and Mad Dog have got to stand outside while the meditation finishes, next to these cold boxes guarding them, is that what's gonna happen? Surely, I have a poor chair here, right? Okay, I've got a better idea. There's got to be, you've got to look at your schedule for the rest of the week.

There's got to be a noisy, you've got to look at a night swap for guided meditation, right? There's got to be like a fucking steel drum band or like a fucking community drum circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like there's got to be some blouse shit going on. You just say to the guided meditation, look, they're the most chilled ones. You've got to deal with the chilled ones, right? You've got to say, look, peace and love, you're going to thirst denights instead of choosing nights. And then you get community choir in there. And then Jill and Bad Dog, they're coming in with the food, they're dancing,

they're singing a long, right, Bad Dog, hey! Ah, you know, on the way to the fridge, meanwhile, softly softly. Ah, they're living. You know, it's all part of the fun. And then, and then, it's quietly, quietly, you slip the guided meditation wimps let's be honest to Thursday night. Oh, how dare you. What are they going to do? Sorry, it's

mental health not a big problem for you or like anyone that you know. What do you mean? What's moving from Tuesday to Thursday going to do affect their chakras? No, thank you. Yeah, but I think the whole point is that the supermarket can only do it when the food's available. So they move around and that's why it doesn't matter if you're moving from Tuesday to Thursday. There's going to be a day when it's going to clash with the... This is what James is saying. He's saying there's going to be a day when it's going to clash. And what do I do to avoid a blood bath? Oh, I see.

Okay. So I say, get the guided meditation group on Zoom, Bosch. I mean, that's probably what's happening at the moment. Also, you can't put food on Zoom. What the fuck is that? Have you, I thought you'd frozen for a minute there, Helen?

No, no, no, we don't, we all heard you. I genuinely thought, oh, frozen again, no one's responding. You were all just staying, I mean. I wouldn't have seen it before, but that was the whole sentence. It was just pointless. You can't put food on Zoom. You could meditate on zoom. People, it's like a group thing and they've got the cafe there while they're doing the meditation because they're train counselors to run the cafe and it's clearly some of

the income for the church as well. So just getting to come down for a cup of tea after they've done their meditation on zoom. It's not a group thing. You go into a room, you close your eyes, and then you disappear to fucking barbedo, sitting in your head. Guys, I think I've got this. Okay, he did it. I think he did as well.

Okay, I think I've got this. It's, the problem is Karen. Ah, okay. That's okay. Well, he changed the name, Stenia, and I think it's no coincidence that he called a Karen. Yeah, because she's got her husband involved rather than trying to address the problem face-to-face

with the people. She's got her husband involved. But then so as Jill? Yes, oh yeah, granted. But the food has to get to the fridge fridge Yes, I don't argue with that the food has to get to the fridge that that that one is I mean, don't grow on trees And if even if it's not happening every week it only happens from time to time Then you just go like we just have to deal you just have to deal with that fact So just to be clear here your solution Ben is that the women of the problem. And that's the problem. I think that you need to talk to Karen because she's not, she's not taught to jail herself. She's taught to her

husband and he's brought in the the coppers and then and then he's making that he's making an issue and and it's and it's it's It's spiraling out control and if Karen's not willing to speak to someone directly about it You've got to be you've got to go in there and go listen Karen This the food has to go there if it in a very and a very sorry if it does interrupt the meditation But if you're really good at meditation, you shouldn't notice it anyway, right guys? If you teach in the meditation. That's actually a really,

like that speech made me think, yeah, that's the right way to do this. Yeah, because if you aren't, yeah, that's it, that's the answer. If you're good enough at your meditation, then you won't notice. What about you actually make it, you build it into the meditation. You say, look, today, I think you're already for this, there's going to be an interruption

during it. So what we need to do is get ourselves into the car mistake, because life is full of interruptions. Life is one big interruption. It's destruction. It's destruction. So if you can deal with this small minor interruption of some food being carried across a room, you can deal with the big interruptions that happen to you in everyday life where, you know, you might not be making as much money as you want.

That's a sort of big interruption to you. I've talked about money now. I've talked about confidence, mate. Fuck it now. Alright, maybe don't list their problems at the start of the end. But whatever your interruption is, think about it, use it, draw on the energy of the group. And that's really loud.

Sea music. Oh, yeah, just whack the whale song up. Exactly, yeah. Beef clothes. We're all starting like a beast. Well, well, well, what a treat. Right, we've just got time to do your problem, Helen. What is your problem with your current housemates? My problem with my, I'm so nervous. You're gonna be a shoulder as well, aren't you?

Is she's gonna burst into the room? I'm genuinely terrified of her. Yeah, just shout love you down the stairs. Emma, Emma, are you still working? I'm just gonna do a podcast, okay? Okay, she'll play downstairs, madam. She'll be scared about being on her. Basically, my problem is, she's gonna listen to this. Diana said, oh she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't, she's going to listen to this. Diana said, oh, she might, she might, she might, but one of my fucking friends will probably tell us and still like, she's my best friend for four years old. We went to school together, we grew up on the same street, like, grew up together.

Now we live together, but we only moved together last year. And he said, can I just ask, have you stayed best friends all the way through this time while she was with you? Oh, like, you and I, she went out with her head boys. I was like, over that for a while, I was like, hang you stayed best friends all the way through this time? What was she using? Oh, okay. Like, you know, I'm chewing out the head boys. I was like, over that for a while, I was like, hang out with Anna Grandmaw. She went off to uni. I didn't go to uni.

So I wasn't that fussed about her. She was home in the summer holidays. She went to Magalooft here, but I went traveling around India. So like, we've definitely like taken breaks. But now we've found each other. It's the best single. Does that make sense? Great.

Yeah. No, it's lovely. It's a lovely story. Like, no one's completely best friends with anyone. I think I was pissed off for her when we were six for a while as well. She's yeah, that's lovely. It's a lovely story. Like, no one's confused that the best friends was anyone. I think it was pissed off for her when we were six for a while as well. She's like paired up with someone else in P.A. Like, there's a lifetime of shit.

Yeah. Basically, she has, like, okay, she's like basic as fuck. And I'm basic as well, but I'm basic plus for myself, or where we're there. But she's basic sick. So basically, she has like a million sons of... Sorry, can I just ask is that the two categories basic plus and basic thick? Yeah, yeah. Okay great, I just just follow. So it's a problem.

Basically she has a find up everywhere of like positive affirmations and they are the worst things of all time. So she has a sigh by our front door. That's framed in gold that says today it's a good day for a good day. We both have depression, it's a fend- or for to look at. There's, there's, almost's, it almost feels sarcastic.

This is the thing, and then she's got things unironically like in our kitchen, we've got one of those signs like a meal without wine as breakfast. There's one in our bathroom, which doesn't even make sense, which is when life gives you lemons, make tequila.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Make it and it's lime. Well, she was like, oh, shit. I was like, well, these are like one, but what are all these signs for? Like thinking that she'd like, maybe stop bringing them in the house. She's then framed a Taylor Swift quote.

I'm so nervous, this is the thing. She's now framed a Taylor Swift quote. And what nervous this is the thing, she's now framed a Taylor Swift quote, what's called quote in our living room and it says darling I'm a nightmare dress like a daydream but she owns three mermaid blankets so it is dry to me fucking in fact right to confront her because of one time I did, she got really upset that I didn't understand the need to have these things and moved a quote into her room. What quote did you move into? Friends are important. Like live laugh love. One of those. That's the class of the level. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I think I think what you need to do here. We should tell you at this stage, Clarkie actually writes those. That's his.

I'm not saying he's so much. That's the second form of income. It's really tough. This is tough because I think we can all agree those are the worst. They're bad, those signs. When you, like it will even, it even puts me off, you know, if you go into a cafe and they've got them on the walls, you think, I don't know if I want to be in this cafe any longer. I'm suspicious of this coffee because it's being served above a sign that says it's exactly. And I have patience for it.

I'm not like, I've got a note pad up here which is covered in sequins, let me just show it to you. It says, dream believe achieve. Like and I love this. Like, so I'm not saying that. No, no, Pad, you're not sticking on your walls, are you? That's a thing for you. So it's not where everyone can see it and this has got sequins on it, so it's fun.

So like, just, it's like a constant onslaught of just like, I just were walking out of the bathroom and it's like, if you don't deserve me, I might be asking you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask you, and I might ask I reckon you should counter. You should counter with some stuff that you know she won't like to put on the wall. No, because then she moves it. Like, you never get up. You can move her. It's right. Can't you play fire with fire? You don't do it deliberately. What, you do do it deliberately. We don't let her know you're doing it deliberately. And then if you've got enough stuff on the walls that she doesn't like, you go like, T-Watt, let's just find some stuff that we both like. Because you're not start with stuff that you both like.

Who is there anyone that you both like that you, you know, you would like a framed picture of. Yeah, we like me. And reasonably blonde. There we go. There we go. You're only a bloody human. Get yourself a nice picture of you and Nicole serenading each other singing your song and And put that up on the wall and then you can both you can both agree on it is could get a whither spoon up on the wall Okay, how about you start using the quotes

Oh my god. Okay, how about you start using the quotes and ironically in every conversation that you have with her until she gets so sick of hearing them which doesn't want to look at them anymore. So if every morning you go like, morning darling, live laugh love, live laugh love and then she'll be like, so sick of hearing live laugh love

that she'll no longer look at live laugh love. You can't stop it. It's immediately, she'll know it's sarcastic. She'll know. There's also, there's another flaw in this as well, Tom, in that if you start doing that, you know, it's that thing of be careful what you pretend to be because that's what you're going to become.

If Helen then ends up accidentally just by sort of, that's how I became a legend. That's how I became a legend. That and the link's Africa. But if Helen starts accidentally saying live live laugh love just out and about, she's gonna lose all her cash I. So I think I've been- You already say that though, that's the problem.

It's already happened. It's like a tip. Oh God. This is how about a basket to put them all in? Not a bad idea. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Not a bad idea She knows Obviously if I go and strip the walls and put them on a basket she's gonna pick up on it isn't she? Think god damn it. It's a good point. And this is another thing. Oh my god. This is so good for me

It's another thing all the fucking nugs are like today. I don't feel like adult all the fucking nugs are like, do they, I don't feel like adult-ish. Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh no. What about, what about, what? I'm gonna be sure, like I'm gonna lose her. Does she know all your relatives? Yes.

Cause I was gonna say you could pretend like you had like a bereavement in the family and you could hang sort of black cloth over all of those things and just go look just until I feel better I just need to have this as a house of mourning because of poor my deer aren't deirdery you know something like that like she's she's no she's got like no to the sibling sort of thing does she have friends that you think would disapprove of those the main problem is that she thinks it's me who's the problem because her basic thick friends which are also my dearest closest friends from school shout out to Ellie and Anna. Love you, Bebs.

That you buy them for her as gift. Oh no. Oh no. Or even when I say, oh god, I look commover. It's a gift. You can't go to the source then. Oh god, I did something about them. I look who moves it and show me like it's a gift. I can't go to the source then you've got I've got to listen to about them.

To me, to me, it's a gift is always, that for me, if I'm saying it's a gift, that's because my wife and I take us into a charity shop, anything we've been bought by other people, it's going out the house immediately. Everything, it's a gift is just, like it's going in a bag for life for maybe a month, and then it's going down the chasor.

It's there's no way it's a gift. There's no way it's a gift is a reason to put stuff on your walls. In fact, the opposite is true. I've thought of a bit of advice for her though, which I know is not what we're doing. She could live laugh, laugh on every slice of white in the house and that's not you eating it. Stop you eating it. Um, why are you so obsessed with why? What's the best one? What are you? Is it like a bad thing or like what's happening? Just trying to help or right?

It's not you, you would always think you're addicted to eating bread like a drug addict. Having so. I think the answer here is Helen needs to change her attitude and I've always said Helen don't limit your challenges Challenge your limits So how about you put that on a piece of paper and just pop it up in your room and then every time you feel challenged You just read that and you feel motivated. Don't limit your challenges. Challenge your limits We solve that good and proper what a brilliant solve there I'm afraid that's a solve once the jingle plays Helen. There's nothing we can do. There's no going back

And also you you're now legally obligated to do that Don't limit your challenges, challenge your limits, Helen. Beave solved. Beautiful. Well, you're like, you just like to have to say that phrase perfectly, Tom and I, you're saying it like five times a break. You can say it, I'm not talking over. Please say it five times really fast.

Don't limit your challenges, Joe. Oh, God, it's hard. Ha ha ha ha ha ha absolute pleasure it has been to be joined by you today. It's been fun. I mean, I just ideal about been challenged a lot. Well, it's been challenging and robust, I think, is that how he can... It's been just for me, it's been good for me. No, it's been just a lot more fun. A really robust recording.

I want a pleasure. Have you got anything you want to plug? No, God, nothing. Can I plug the Basel Stoke New? Yeah, of course. I suppose hand jobs are 2006, that is a centred candlelight buy as well, actually, hand jobs from 2006. It's going to be a stay on the fair. Actually, we should we end it there. Thanks so much Helen. Thank you. Cheers. Wow, Zaka, Paoza, what a feast. What a festival of beef. Some of the best goddamn beef I've ever come across. What's the delicious?

What's the beef that has, I don't know, is it like farmers rub butter into their flanks or something? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wagyu beef. Wagyu beef, that was the Wagyu beef. The Kobe beef, that was the Wagyu Kobe beef of beef brothers. That was prime beef.

And what a guest to Helen Bauer do check her out live or online or in her podcast form. Can I put to bed this whole onions thing as well? Yes. Because I've looked it up. So I googled, by the way, I googled, do onions grow underground. Great. And one of the first things I googled, do onions grow underground. Great.

And one of the first things that pops up is do onions kill rats? Great. That's like one of the first auto correct things, but we're not gonna find that out today. So here's the thing, we said they grow underground. We were debating whether they grow underground or overground. And it turns out, if you think they grow underground, you're right, if you think they ground are ground, you're right, and if you think they go over ground,

you're also right, because the bulb of the onion grows underground, but the onion top grows above ground. So like the little bits of the root, so if you see them, it does look like there's an onion sat on the ground with a little bit of it sort of arse in the soil. So there you go. There's the onion. Onions even. Yeah. So there you go. Onions even. So there we go. Thank you for listening.

If you enjoyed it, please head over to the Patreon where if you sign up for $5 a month or more, there is a boat load of content waiting for you. An absolute shed load. Yeah, loads of extra episodes. Over 70 extra episodes you can get straightaway. The second you join, they appear in your RSS feed. It's very exciting.

I mean, you know, I don't think anyone's ever listened to them all, but why not be the first? There you go. So head over to Patreon and hop on board and join our Patreon community. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham to you. Take care of yourselves everyone. Cheers everyone. Bye! I'm going to say this once, but I'm going to take my time about it.

Will you please? What? Will you please be upstanding? What? Pardon? Will you please be upstanding, but... Pardon? For today's neighborhood watch. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I was running late, I was running late, I just got here. Sorry, could you go back to the start? I'll say this... oh, can I?

Should I? Dare I be brave, Tony? I'll say it twice. Will you please be upstanding for today's neighborhood watch? I'm so, I'm so, so, so, so sorry. I'm so, I have a dev, I honestly, I have devastated today this. Sorry. I just can't believe it.

Tony, oh my god. Tony, be brave. Tony, I can only apologize. Dear, you are third. Dear, you are third once more onto the breach, Tony. Be brave. Be brave. I desk, I go again.

Please be upstanding. Sorry, would you mind if I popped to the loo? Tony, be brave. Okay, go to the toilet. One minute, it's just a number one. I'm just gonna pop out for a second. It's okay. Be brave, Tony a number one, I'm just gonna pop out for a second. It's okay, be brave Tony. All right, I'm back.

He's back, okay, okay. Will you please be upstanding? Actually, it didn't take the first time, I'm gonna pop out again, sorry, it's hard. It's just didn't take. It's hard when it doesn't take Tony, be brave. Be brave Tony. Okay, we go again.

I'm back, I'm back. Will you please please be upstanding and I can only say this once for today's Neighborhood watch roll call. Sorry. I should take my beats by Dre off I've had my beats by Dre on the entire time I was listening to Listed to some music. I didn't hear a word you said take can you just just just do us a favor do us a solid repeat That would the base on the beats by Dre is potent You won't have heard a thing cut right through Will you please be upstanding? I'm so sorry. He put the beats by Dre onto my head when he took the All of the beats those beats are potent. They were crystal clear. Will you please be upstanding? I'm sorry I've got the beats by Dre and I can't be.

Who put the beats of me? Somebody turn the beats by Dre after goodness. Such a potent base. Will you please be upstanding for today's neighborhood? Watch roll call. POO! Spots my beats for Drei. POO! Total bass. So I thought Brave Tony was going to start, so sorry Brave Tony's said quite enough. Well, you know why I've gathered you all here. Oh yes.

Firstly, to give Brave Tony a chance to say something. And he was so so brave. Can I just say, can I just say, brave Tony, he really was brave. He truly is the bravest amongst us. And despite not wanting to say something more than once, he said it now seven times for his sins. And he put me in mind of a young man called Alex Jenkins. I tell you what, he was so ready bloody brave, was our Tony.

Performing that must have been absolute hell. And it really put me in mind of a young Annabelle. Tony was brave and Tony is dead. What is it? Oh, breaking news. Oh no! Tony was brave and Tony was dead. He died eating a poison vianetta. They don't know who did it, but the chief suspect is that scoundrel. It's Helena.

Well Tony is dead and Tony was brave. I think the bravest thing he did was to say something more than once. But of course, that was also the thing that killed him. The other thing that killed him was his love, his desperate craving for magnums. He would eat seven or eight magnums a day, no matter what the cost. And that put me in mind of a young fellow called Josh. Tony is dead. He's dead. And we'll miss him terribly so. He was a massive fan of the ice cream, Salero. He'd eat them long and he'd eat them this.

Very much like a good frayed friend, Shinnade, piss. She's a good frayed to us. Good frayed to us. Tony was brave and Tony is dead. And Tony, he loved a mini milk. He ate them in Spain. He ate them in France.

He ate them on the fields of Flanders. He ate them once at a party. When he was sat next to that cunt, Jake Anders. Oh my god. Oh, he was brave and Tony is dead. Oh. And he loved to chomp on a max the lion.

He'd eat them in the morning, he'd eat them at night. He couldn't eat them in his sleep, not for one of Trian. But I'll say, it was sad to see Tony disappear so soon after choking on some cashews. It reminded me of another similar fellow, his name of course, was John Matthews. Tony was brave. Tony was dead. Tony loved Beats by Dre. And he also loved a lovely fab. In fact, he loved them so much, he'd eat two together.

They were paired. Very much. Like a very best friend. Crayam Zed. Tony was brave and Tony was dead, but Tony is back alive! And what brought him back to life was his love of the near-politan, the vanilla, the plain, the chocolate, alright, the strawberry, terribly juicy. He once ate it at a party next to that absolute dickhead.

LOOSEY! What? Tony was brave. And Tony's now back alive. But sadly, he's no longer brave. Oh no. But the one thing that hasn't changed is his love of the Mithy. He'll slurp seven or eight down at one sitting and declare that mighty fine.

Put me in mind of the young Danny L. a divine. Tony is no longer dead. Tony is no longer brave. Tony, let's face it, it's a bit of a lunatic. His favorite ice cream was a minute made. Oh no, no, Tony, you absolute spanner. The only person worse than that, I could think of. No. It's a good friend, Anna. That concludes today's

Nate and I'll only say this once, before concludes today's neighborhood watch. Oh! Dad again! He died as he lived, dying.