Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Jack Barry S12E09

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Jack BarryJack Barry - https://twitter.com/jbazzlerPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareLIVE IN PERSON SHOWSMONDAY APRIL 4TH https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288183593887TUESDAY APRIL 5TH https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288180163627BOTH SHOWS https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288187054237MACHFEST SATURDAY 30TH APRIL https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2022/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-5/MACHFEST SUNDAY 1ST MAY https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2022/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-6/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, Lister Deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Here we go. Here we go. Hurry! Quickly becoming an established format this one.

We really enjoy that beef, this cold, that's where we, uh... We have a guest on, we go through the listeners' beefs, and they help us fix them. We're kind of like agony aunts or uncles for the flat share generation. Absolutely right. It's like none of us living in a flat share. So this is a fantastic episode this week because we got to chat to the brilliant Jack Barry. You may know him as one half of twins, the sketch team. You may know him as a stand-up. You may have seen him in Feel Good on Netflix, the brilliant May Martin series. He's just fantastic. He's a really funny guy.

We loved hanging out with him. He's a multi-linguist. And if you enjoy Jack's work, then we've done a bonus beef with him, a whole bonus beef, which is over on our Patreon, Patreon.com. We've got a Patreon. We've got a Patreon Tom. You should join, man. You'd be right at home with our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share.

Get involved today, man. Okay. And what would I have to do there for, like give four pounds a month or something like that? I'd say four pounds a month should do it, and you get tons of bonus audio. You get, well, you get a weekly bonus episode, you get all our old bonus episodes, which I think there's nearly 200 of them now. It's, yeah, it's, it's, it's

great fun. It's a real community. We read out people's emails, we find out what people are up to. We, yeah, it's, it's great. It's lovely. You know I love emails, this sounds brilliant. It's easy to use it to your ears, isn't it? It looks like to your tired old ears. Well, let's not waste any more time. Let's get straight into the episode. Oh, actually, we waste a tiny bit more time because we've got some flat-chest landhounds to promote. Live flat-chest landhounds.

They're actually live. You've got it soon as well. So if you're listening to this before the 4th and 5th of April, it's worth mentioning that we've got two live flat share slam downs, we would love you to be at two fantastic shows at the Phoenix. That's spiritual, how you're in the square. And also, provides a really good food and beer. Our actual home.

Oh yeah, actually, yeah, our actual home. We could live there as well. Yeah. Yeah, it does do, you know what? You know, we never, we rarely sell a flat chest down down on how good the food is at that place, but it is very good. We normally lean on the names of our guests,

but we rarely, we very rarely say, do you know what? Try the burgers, they're fantastic. They do weird things like tobacco onions and they have lots of sides that even if they say a bit healthy, they arrive, they ain't healthy, but they're very tasty. So yeah, sure, we've got guests. Yes, we've got names we can dangle in front of your noses, but listen, if you haven't had some really good pubg rub in a good while. Dangle them in front of your nose. If you haven't had some really good pubg rub in a good while, dangled in front

of your nose. If you haven't smelt the burgers, you're not allowed to smell the guests. That's what we're saying. I'll tell you what, they're vegan burgers, they're veggie burgers. It's a caters fit. A lot of people, it's a good menu. It's a great menu. I'm speaking of great menus.

We could give you some of our guest's names as well. Yeah, let's do it. So on the, I mean, it's a good point. Can we just say as well, we're doing this at the goodness of iron hearts. We love the Phoenix, but we don't get a cut of the sales behind the bar or of the food sales. So we're just doing it because we believe in the products,

right? Toaster, that's what it is because we believe in the product, right? Totally. That's what it is. We believe in the product. We also believe in the product of our actual shows, the flat chest landings. The Monday, the 4th of April, our guests are going to be Alfie Brown, the brilliant Alfie Brown, and the superb Sakeesa. So you should definitely come along. Do you know what that line up reminds me of?

A delicious batch of hot and spicy chicken wings. I think so, yeah. That's exactly what it's like. Also available at the bar. You know what, go for the double, go bang bang on it, pair our show with some lovely hot and spicy chicken wings. Perry, I'm going to give you the guests for Tuesday, and you tell me what food you would pair with them.

We've got on Tuesday, the 5th of April, at the Phoenix Cavingest Square at 745, we've got Amy Gladiol and Darren Harry. Right, well I mean, it's got to be some kind of hot dog effort for... It's got to be a hot dog. Of course it has. A delightful sausage. Yeah, absolutely. It's gonna be. And you know, for Darren Harrier, I'd recommend a double deck of burger, you know, for

the for the for the humor and the wit. That's one of your burgers. Yes, but also the charm and the looks. That's your second burger. Wow. He's a double deck. You know what I'm talking about? He really is.

Yeah, yeah. You could have gone quadruple burger there, couldn't you? Because it's humor and wit, charm and good looks. I tasted your buns. He's the first. He's sex, it's gorgeous buns. That's not, let's not forget his sesame seed buns. But anyway, the fourth and fifth of April,

flat chest standout, if you've not been to a library calling before and you live near, or you can get to London, then come on down because you'll absolutely love it. If you've been before, you know what we're talking about, you'll wanna come again. Not to mention a five selection of ails and lagers as well. Have you have really good, really good on tap selection.

The foods good, the booze is good, the entertainment is good, you would be mad to miss out. Fourth and fifth of April, see you there. Tickets will be available from eventbright.co.uk, they're available now in fact, and you can find the link for those tickets in the show notes of this very show that you're listening to right now. Right, let's crack on with the episode show eh? Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, because you've got a problem, call it a B, if you've got a B, maybe we can help you from the zoning I can be. So Jack Barry is here. Hi Jack how you doing? Hi guys thanks for having me in your flat.

That's a total pleasure yeah well thanks for keeping up with the Artifist of the Podcasts that we all Do you know what? Not enough guests do that. Come on take the premise by the hand and give it a firm shape Yeah, it's a beautiful place. I love what you've done with it. I love the All the satanic art that you that's Clarkies living room. Yeah Oh, if you you've been on a The panel show version of this haven't you? I don't know no no no no no this is the first time First time jasmine on the park but I'm a virgin No, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is the first time. First time, Jack is on the podcast, but I'm a virgin.

That's how charismatic he is. It seems like he's done it before. He's been here for about 10 seconds. We're working. I've been there. I've been there in spirit. It's like part of the yes, talent furniture. Also, Jack, get off that swing. That's not for me.

Yeah, I've been there. I've been there in spirit many times, but never in body. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah. My body's never been invited, but yeah, glorious to be here now. I'm happy to be busted in my chairy. Oh, one expression, but yeah, let's get out of that swing. For the love of God. So before we started recording, you were telling us that One expression, but yeah, let's get out of that swing. For the love of God. So before we started recording, you were telling us that you've actually... You've made to have quite a productive lockdown and that you learnt another language.

The language of love. Yeah, I thought... The language of love, aka Spanish. I don't know if that's usually what they call the language of love. That was good. Yeah, I thought it's about time. I bet it's basically, I've been, I've been very lucky to be in a relationship with an Argentinian woman for seven years now

and hadn't just didn't seem important to learn a single word of Spanish in all that time. Didn't have a bit rub off. Oh yeah, I bit it, but it was mostly what I like to call Bedroom Spanish. It was all night, know. Okay the Swig. Oh yeah getting the swing lots of you know hailsate and the useful things that you use in the bedroom and yeah and then like when the lockdown hit it was like okay there's really no excuse now I've got nothing but time so I did some Skype lessons I got so I got some teachers

in Argentina so So I could learn like Argentinian Spanish and I've been learning that for the last two years. How different to Spanish is Argentinian Spanish? It's pretty different. Moe? Yeah, moe. Moe, moe different in there. It's like instead of y'all, instead of like a yurt sound they say, sure. So like, you know, like yo is me or I in Spanish, is show in Argentina. And so like, like, Poyo is chicken, but Posho, it's Posho in where.

It's better, it's better called chicken, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's enough of a class chicken. And like all the words are different. It's just like, well that would be the key difference, they're one if all the words are different. That would be the key difference. They're words are different. That's just like, that would be the key difference. They're one if all the words are different. That would be the key difference. The words are different.

That's a different language. Yeah, different language. It's like, you know, like, you know, like, we have like, in England, we say the car boot, but in America, they say the trunk, but we still sort of, it's like that, but more so. And it's like, you know, it's like, the word for banana is different and like, loads of it's different. So I've gone to Spain and no one knows what I'm talking about. But in Argentina, I can get by just fine.

Lovely. Yeah. It's, it's good. I hadn't, I've just got back from Argentina, which is why we were talking about it. This, which is why you were going to do the podcast last month, you weren't able to, but now you're back and you're here. Now, can you, yeah, for any Argentinian Spanish you're back and you're here. Now, come back. Can you for any Argentinian Spanish listeners we have? I'm sure we've got a few. Can you give us a little bit of Argentinian Spanish bedroom talk? You don't have to tell us what it means.

Just give us a little phrase. And we'll let our listeners enjoy it. Oh God. Well, I tend to say stuff like, oh, it's so smooermost, me amore. And that's real bedroom in Spanish. That's good stuff, that's it. Yeah, no, I can't- I could be asking where the swimming pool is, but it still works.

Yeah, it gets some hot. Don De Est, you get it. I like that, they, yeah, I like that. I like it. Yeah. some part. Don't say I'm a lupuffa fool! That's what everyone knows, isn't it? Every person you say two speaks, but like the first Spanish phrase, every English person learns it's DOSA VASES PORFORVOR, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. That's what you need. Which is upsetting for Ben, because we've only ever been spain together.

He should have learnt thres, but always one of us gets left out when he's getting the right. So let's be honest, when I get around it in England, I'm not that bad at it. Me and Crosby have to go out with the straw and we just sit there and share one next to Clark.

Mine's sweeping each other's drinks. But anyway, now I can speak Spanish, which is pleasant. I can actually have a relationship with some of my in-laws now, which is what I was telling you before the podcast. Was the case that you went over, you chatted to your in-laws, you went over to Roger's and you chatted to your in-laws and you found out you don't actually have that much in common with them. So it was better when you had the mission. Not yet. I feel like, not yet. I feel like if I'd spent more time there, maybe that would happen.

That's good. But we had enough. I say, car boot, you say, sir. Let's call the whole thing. What does it mean? My relationship with my father-in-law used to just be we'd give each other sage nods. We'd have a beer and we'd just sort of smile across the room. like yeah I like your vibe and this time I could actually have a conversation with

him and he's a lovely guy so that was a relief yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah used to uh used to nod all my racist comments yeah what's happening now? Now when I quote mine camp to to you, you're like, weird about it. Be here for the zoning at your beef! All right, well, should we whipcrack into these beefs? Normally, I took about your flat share arrangement, but we'll find that out as we get into it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can give you that. Switches beef from Russ via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com.

Switches beef. Hello, the esteemed brethren of PAP. My wife has obsessed with switches. Every evening she'll go from top to bottom of the house, not only switching off every plug, but also unplugging them from the wall. I am firmly in this guy's world. This is in case they spontaneously combust, despite there being no electricity going through them. What's the point in having a voice activated speaker if you got to switch it on and wait for it to connect before

you can talk to it? The fish nearly died when the filter was unplugged and I hadn't noticed. Oh no. But the deal break happened a few days ago with my wife unplugged the fan That was drying my homemade beef built-in This is a true being. I've gone to bed earlier as I have to get up at 4.30 a.m. for work in the built-on farm That's it. That's it. I got my earlors, I have to get some up for work at half four in the morning. My wife had done her top to bottom unplugging regime and it was over 18 hours before I checked on my meat.

Oh no. No fan running, no air circulation. Instead of two kilograms of beautifully dry and rich meaty spicy beef wedges, I find damp beefy strips that are growing fuzzy little mold hairdos. Oh no. The meat costs 20 quid but the final product is worth 40 quid, a kilogram, 80 quid worth of prime South African bovine based snacks. Straight in the bin. Oh mate. My wife wasn't even all that sorry. Sorry not sorry you know. This guy's got a way we were. I like this guy. Is this Russ? Yeah it's poetic. I've got a load of

space for us. She says she's protecting the house from potential fires understandable but two kilograms of meat in a couple of days of marinating, spicing, and hanging wasted. Who's in the right here? Fire safety versus delicious high-end, bully-bum meat strips. How can I stop this fandexer, okay? The plugs being in walls. Help, love you guys.

Front name only, Russ, brackets, new Patreon member, and loving every minute. Well, the feeling is more than mutual rust. We're loving every minute of that. What a fantastic message from rust there. That's impressive because those Patreon episodes loving every minute. I mean, that's a lot of fun.

There are a few dodgy minutes in there. It's hard work. Join the Patreon, but like seriously, there's a few green-filling in minutes and then it's... Wow, okay, so a literal beef, which is always really nice to get. Fans of Bill Tongue in the house, anyone? I like Bill Tongue. Yeah. To actually... It's a strange one. It's essentially kind of beef chewing gum, isn't it? Yeah, but isn't that?

It's the thing. I think part of Bill Tong's appeal is the fact that it's called Bill Tong. It's got that kind of... It's good branding. It's got that kind of foreign kind of all. This is exciting kind of thing. If it was just called beef strips or chewy beef, it'd be really hard to get people to buy into it I think. Yeah, right. Chewy beef, kind of excitement going on. I can't believe how quickly he tried off the fish. Yeah, the fish was really a side note in that whole story, wasn't it? Yeah. And then it was an essay about the Bill Tom. Well, he paints a real picture of his life, doesn't he? Sorry, Tom.

It feels like he's advertising his Bill Tom a little bit because the words play with his, you know, if he's going to sell Bill Tom, because high-end bully bum meat strips, then I think, you know, he might get a private business going. Yeah, that's it. You see, I was, I wasn't keen on Bill Tongue until I heard that sentence.

You know, you've got to be trying rich meaty spife beef wedges. I feel like, yeah, maybe start to plop. If we started selling Pappy's Bill Tongue and Russie's Ark kind of wholesalers of flyer, we could have eaten it a little bit. He's tricked you into sponsoring, into sponsoring his Bill Tongue, man. I don't know. Oh, sorry, yeah, I didn't repy us, hashtag our it says.

Yeah. So today's episode is brought to you where the good people at Russ is built on. Guarantee no fuzzy little mold hairdos on any of our bill tongue or your money back, all aty quit of it. And if it were lumps. And if a couple tastes like fish, ignore that,

don't worry about that. So I got, and also like, look at that, right. That markup's pretty impressive. The meat cost 20 quid. The final product is worth 40 quid. 40 quid. He's still plenty there. I mean, obviously, what's the quid of quid of quid of quid?

He's quadruple his money, isn't he? Oh. Because it's, the meat cost 20 quid, but at the end it cost 80 quid, he said, didn't he? He said it's 40 quid a kilo, two kilos. Yeah. That's a huge markup. We should be, we should get out the podcast and rack it.

Let's get to the, yeah. I'm not gonna mention the herbs cost 60 pounds. Yeah, the mags are in the marinade, and the electricity for drying. Okay, obviously, it is causing this issue. But he's saving money on that. That's saved. You mean, it's been like that, a bit coin, isn't it, Clarky?

When you're mining your Bitcoin, that eats up your electricity. Yeah, I mean, yeah. That's the end of Clarky's money corner there. I don't. Or the lights flicker out. I'm like, he's great to have Martin Lewis on the program again. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh It's clucky coin. It doesn't go through the roof. It's clucky coin. It doesn't Bitcoin, mine, doesn't mining Bitcoin use more energy than Denmark. I reckon.

Yeah. It's bad. I know it's pretty bad, I think. So like that, if we factor that in, but you're still making lots of money, there's money in Bill Tongue, who knew? Apart from one, let's sort this beef out. Where do you guys stand on switching plugs off at night? I don't know if it's at all necessary, but I don't know much about it.

The kind of first. The classic. The classic. The classic. The air. Here's my opinion. But to qualify this, my opinion is more. The first and last I heard of it was when we were at primary school, we were shown by

a fire safety. You know, occasionally, like, fire safety people come into the school and do a little talk. They showed us an extremely, for a primary school, suggestive advert of a couple going around the house in their pajamas talking about their night time routine What's your night time routine and they're like winking at the camera as they sort of go off into the bedroom But their night time routine was you know unplugging the tele and all that kind of stuff and making sure that all the all the lights were switched off and It made it seem like if you left your teleon Stand by overnight, it would either use so much

electricity that you were bankrupted the next morning or it would explode and block the entire house and I don't know either of those things have ever happened to anyone. I don't know. I think is old TVs when they were on standby because they TV's used to have I just Clarke's got no idea what he's talking about gone but as I as I understand it old TVs to keep these more in the devil aren't they they would yeah they would draw in a lot of power because a to boot them up would take a long time from off to going on

to stand by his colleagues. And the crank in the side turning. So there was a piece I was giving you. Yeah, I feel like they used to crackle, didn't they? Those old like the big fat back TVs, you could like hear that. I don't know if that's a bad thing, but it's a fat back TV with a built up post-ad delicious.

But yeah, I don't think that's true. I don't know. I just remember my dad's, my dad's old office, someone put the dishwasher on. The cleaner put the dishwasher on when they went home at night and it caught fire. And they did actually have like a fire in the kitchen at my dad's office.

And my parents were always like, you must never put the dishwasher on before you go to bed. Oh no. But I was like, you must never put the dishwasher on before you go to bed. Oh no. But I was like, a dishwasher, I always was like, it's full of water. Like surely that's like the sound you can get yourself. You could possibly put on, yeah, right? Just leave it to it, it's washing.

It's gonna put itself out. But yeah, but after that, I've always been like, really paranoid, like I don't have a dishwasher dishwasher Otherwise I feel like I was living with a killer It feels a bit like your sprinkler system like catching fire. Yeah, right? Oh the water coolers on fire Like the fire extinguishers a blaze Stinglishers are blazed and we all had to run out. Like, but that was on, do you know what I mean? But if everything's turned off, I feel like how can it, can it just spontaneously catch fire?

Well, I guess the bit of the dishwasher that's gonna catch fire is the back rather than the inside, isn't it? It's the back that's gonna catch fire and unless it's not like the plates just suddenly burst into flames. Yeah, I'm hoping. It depends how tightly you stack them in,

because that friction, where they rub against each other, can really cause some trouble. It's like when you're doing, you're like, if you're cutting something with a knife and fork, it's like when you're doing something with wood and it just like cuts it's not to spawn and it had that happened to you. Like a bit of flint, yeah.

I got a bit of cleaner eating in the kitchen. Yeah. Clean this in the dishwasher, remember? Cut the, yeah up a particularly tough piece of the old boy, yeah. You can, you can spark some fly. So my wife and I have this chat and all of a lot. And she's all for unplugging at night. And I've always been like, look, it doesn't really make a difference. And then she went on a fire course at her work and she's absolutely right. Oh is it Right really that because what a ball like yeah, no What a ball like

Blamps I come into a room and I go to touch the lamp to put it on and I have to in the dark Go and plug it in. Yeah. Turn the lamp on. Well, so even if it's just in what the plug being in the socket can make it catch far, the safest thing to do is to turn the socket off and remove the plug to be completely safe.

Oh, I hate it. Isn't that like one of those things? It's like, yeah, the safest contraception is never have sex. Do you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, the safest contraception is never have sex. Do you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, maybe we should just all get rid of our lamps to be really safe. If we just, if we lived in a in like a mud hut with no electricity, the chance of that catch you five. Pretty slim. Yeah. It's the same as sex, because that's good idea. Yeah. Got that old knife in four, can I try to cut the belt off?

That's that's roof is going up like Billy A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got that old knife and fork. I try to cut the built on. That's that's reef is going to like Billy. Yeah. So look, there's a couple of things I'd say to us, which is your wife is definitely being safer. And also I'm worried about the planet. I'm worried about the price. The planet is paying for this built on, right?

Because it's not,'s not this is not viable anymore is it come on like if we're going to get to net zero or whatever it is we can sacrifice Russ's bill tongue aren't we I don't know though because it is preparing food yeah he's eating it's like are you gonna have we gonna stop? Yeah, and there's a quicker way to prepare beef than built on in it, isn't there? Over nighting it. He's over, he's, what does he say, 18 hours? Something 18 hours.

Well, he left it for 18 hours. So it was 18 plus hours to get this built on dried out. So, you know, he's built on. He's down room for built on in our kind of, you know, in our room for Bill Tongue in our kind of, you know, new society? What about fish? What about living fish? Yeah, it's a good point. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't say what he was planning to do with that fish. We don't know, you might have been planning to air dry them.

Yeah, sticking in front of the fan. We know the rust, we know he's M.O. And it is to, it is to Ed for a food. Yeah, he's a fan of. Maybe he was fattening that fish up, so he could, you know, fan them out and then go down on the... I don't know where Russ is writing from, but is the idea that actually like, proper built on would be literally air dried in the air,

which is free and doesn't cost any energy, right? Exactly. In a hot country, is he South Africa? South Africa, yeah. South Africa, exactly. So is he trying to basically... You can't. You'd stick it on the roof.

Yeah. You'd let nature take its course. You'd be built on for the rest of the year, exactly. Yeah. Is he basically trying to sort of cheat his surroundings? Is that what it is? He's playing God. He's playing God, exactly.

It's a bit like cranking your heating up to full and saying, well, actually, now I live in Florida. You know? It feels like we're painting this kind of breaking bad, tight picture of us. He's got this, he's playing God in this like a legal builton farm. He's got from top under the cell lights driving a wedge between him and his wife. He's 430 starts to get into him. He's losing it in the mind. He's got a crawl space under the house. He hides the 80 pounds that he's made.

There's a John Wayne Gacy type crawl space under his house, exactly, yeah. It's full of dry leaves. It's like starting to the lambs occasionally he'll wear the bill-tongued, and he'll come and ride around. He's got a well that's covered in his car. He's got bill-tongued suits. What's the bill-tongued thing? Get it off me. Ah!

We got that. Would you fan me? I'd fan me. So maybe, maybe his wife is not only taking a set... Oh, look, it's the less... It's not an exciting option, but it's a safe option and maybe it'll save Russ from a life of crime and, you know, it's big,

ultimately ending up as a serial killer. Yeah. It's the only way that this can end. Well, this is breaking, Mary-Den. Can I just sort of paint the other picture of us here? And maybe sort of come to his defence slightly, because we've done a wonderful character assassination of the man, who let's not forget, it's just that he's joined the Patreon in love every minute, so...

Let's not... Oh, let's not... Yeah. It's the classic puppies. No, Patreon, I love you every minute. So, it's not, oh, let's not, yeah. It's the classic puppies. No, no, don't give me wrong. There's a place for renegades on the Patreon. Just not in society. Is the actual situation here that what you need is not to stop murdering.

We're not saying you've murdered, but that's not it. But it's to maybe a little bit more communication between you and your partner, right? Because, you know, saying that some plugs are more important than others, surely that's a cut, that's the compromise. You can turn off the teller, you can turn off the radio, you know, you can unplug the the three bar heat or whatever, all of that kind of stuff. But there are certain plugs you need to leave on. The fish, they've got to stay on overnight, right?

That's got to happen, right? Bill Tongue plugs, Matt. Bill Tixie, exactly. Exactly. Because there's nothing, by the way, more exciting when it comes to the world of owning your own plugs, then sticking a little bit of electrical tape over the switch on which you've written in Sharpie,

do not turn off. You know what, it's a very exciting thing to be able to do that. You know, there's always one in every garage. We don't know what it does, but we know that if we turn it off, chaos is around the corner. So all it means is you just get two little bits of electrical tape right, do not turn off, stick them over the one by the fish, stick them over the one by the built on, and you know, and then just

say to say to your partner, look, these plugs are important, but I'll go round with you and turn off all the other plugs, that can be our nighttime routine. I think that's it. Perry. I think what, what,'s doing is like coal play and no touring with a kinetic dance floor. So the concert is powered by the audience dancing. So when the audience jump up and down on the floor, it powers the gig. So when they play their slow ones,

I'm going to be honest, that's the wrong thing. It's like we do. When they play in the scientist, and everyone's just sort of gently swaying and the song gets slower and slower because the instrument's like, it's the wrong thing. It's like, we do it that way. It would never be in the scientist. And everyone's just sort of gently swaying, and the song gets slower and slower, because the instrument's like, room the lights go down.

Room the lights go down. Room the lights go down. Room the lights go down. You need to do is get a kinetic floor on your bedroom, and then when you're making love, your power, the cellar, banging for built-in, your beef. So you can buy a bit of electrical tape, you can stick it on your power, the seller, banging for built on your beef. So you can buy a bit of electrical tape, you can stick it on your self.

So do turn on that. Dean, turn on it. And then you save your marriage. This is an extra spice build. You bring some romance to proceed. You save your marriage, you improve your communication, but also your power, the seller, if you know what I mean, in more ways than one.

See, right? You power your seller, also you power the seller if you know what I mean in more ways than one you're right you power your seller you power her seller built on all round and then the bell tug you can stick a bit of cold play on get it going you know what I think that's beef sell do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Poor things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th. So I have overtouchy beef from Craig. via the Beef Brothers podcast at Gmail.com. My best friend, Brett, is at any normal time a very touchy person. However, when he drinks, it becomes more regular. I'm not a very tactile person and would prefer not to spend my night being rubbed by my friend. In particular, when he's drunk, he likes to spend my night being rubbed by my friend. In particular when he's drunk he likes to rub my earlobes.

I love my friend but I need to tell him to stop it without offending him. He is a very sensitive person. Just to clarify he's a fantastic person but this needs to stop. Cheers everyone, bye from Craig. I've got a solution for this. Kinetic. And it powers a cattle prod. How was the sign? Yes, it says stop doing that. How was a taser with which he can taste his breath?

Rubbing the earlobes is a bit much, isn't it? Yeah. Because don't get me wrong. I'm a tactile guy. Oh, yeah. I'm a tactile guy. I'm a tactile guy. I'm a tactile guy. I'm a tactile guy. I'm a tactile guy. I'm a tactile guy. I'm Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to live in China, they were like Chinese temples where they have like big statues of Buddha and he's got big earlobes and sometimes it's lucky to rub Buddha's earlobes. Do you think that's why he's... Has Brett found that he's become lucky ever since he started rubbing Craig's earlobes when he gets drunk? I was at a music festival once and I was having a final, I was absolutely flying and this was me and my partner and I was, I was topless and there was a group of much younger people like you and your

students nearby who found me topless really quite funny and decided to all start rubbing my belly for luck and this went on for a couple of hours. Me, Hiya Zakai, Dancing Away, and all these students rubbing my belly for luck. And honestly, one of the best nights of my life. And they're like, I hope. So is your suggestion to Craig? They all went and found some gold. I won't be giving up.

No, I'm looking they were, actually, but I don't think it worked. They all went and had sex with each other. So you said to Craig, Tom, that he should take MDMA. Yeah. And I give you the light to have his earlobes rubbed. When it goes out with his mate, every time he has a dream. Microdose. Give yourself a little bit of time.

A little time, one, two of MDMA. And then maybe you'll meet in the middle of a good place. Maybe put some on his fingertips and he can rub the MDMA. He's like it like they're made of build-up, like a sort of marinade. You are a tactile person, Tom. And I think you've certainly sort of strained into that territory of unwanted affection, I think, when you're at a couple of people who are attacked our person, Tom. And I think you've certainly sort of strayed into that territory of unwanted affection, I think, when you had a couple of drinks. Do you think that's fair to say? Certainly on my self and collarchy.

The headlock is a familiar situation. The headlock. Yeah, but there's a difference between a headlock and rubbing earlobes. Oh, yeah, yeah. You think it? Rubbing earlobes is worse. I think we're in different ball parks here. Yeah, and also I enjoy it. Oh, they had the headlock. Of course, we all enjoy it.

Yeah, I love a parry headlock. Would you trade it for an earlobe, brother? Well, I'll say this with the headlock, it's normally, not always, but normally, it's a necessary, it's because if I want to be telling you stuff, which I do when I'm trying. Yeah, we're a music festival or in a club, then it's like, come here. Yeah. And then you can really... I then I can really show it into your ear for half an hour.

Tom talks out his armpits. I'm putting his branches. You know, like that's where it comes from. He shouts my earlobes off. Because I've been around people who get, like, rubby it comes. He shouts way, yeah, lobes off. Because I've been around people who get like rubby drunk. Yeah, yeah. And that's, for me, that always needs a bit of an intervention. When it's like, handsy drunk is different, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I think it feels like we're in handsy drunk territory. So what, yeah, rather, so rubby Yeah. So Robbie is the same as Hansi. Robbie is the same as Hansi. Yeah. Okay. Have you met Robbie and Hansi? Right. Great fun on a night. Yeah. It does always get to a point. After three drinks, I'd lead a folly. Yeah. Robbie and Hansi, they're great local radio DJs.

Robbie and Hansi in the afternoon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your best friend's but actually Brett might hold a little bit of a flame for you. And so when he's had a few drinks he gets a bit emboldened and you know wants to take it a bit further. I mean I don't know. I don't know. It's just a... Have you ever tried rubbing his earlobes back? See what happens? Yeah. My like it. Mutual, some mutual lobeing. Give me a... Yeah. I'm gonna mute your lobeing. Yeah, I mean, you can, yeah. This is giving me an absolute new one. Mutual lo-bings, my favourite Marvin Gaye song.

So what are we, what are we, what are we, what are we saying though? I mean, we've got, we've got, we've got to, we've got to sort of give him some sort of advice here. That's very much the sort some sort of advice here. That's very much the sort of format of the show. Yeah, I think if, this is a long shot, but if Perry could be there every time he could just rub Perry's belly instead of.

Oh, you think how a deep, how a deep, how a deep, you know, you think this, you think this earlobe is soft? Check out this belly. Maybe some, maybe say he is. Maybe like, you know, like those Halloween, like he could put on some sort of L-fish ears as like a diversion. Yes. Or you can make a mold of your ears. Like, you know, those companies where you can make a mold of some odd parts. Give him that. You can have it. It's like a pen. What about them? They can reach for it. you know those companies where you can make a mold of some one parts give them that.

You can have it as like a pen. What about them? They can reach for it. What about the mail that grew the year on, you know, the grew up, the year on a mouse is back. Do you remember? Yeah.

And the year on a part of the money, you don't mind him touching. Graphed your ear onto a mouse. Just give it as a bet. That's beef's off. Yeah, look on the catcher. What about, what about flesh tunnels? Oh yeah. What about, what about, you guess yourself a what about flesh tunnels? Oh, yeah, what about oh

Yeah, a couple of flesh tunnels There's not really much live for you to rub is there oh, yeah, well, so they stink so that'll really put them off Have you had have you had nasty experiences with flesh tunnels? Clarkie I had a whole conversation about one the other about them the other day and someone was like, yeah, they just really smell. Why do they smell? You have to wash them all the time, but they still really really. Really?

Yeah. Or for. And it reminded me of a, remember one time we did a gig with where the compare got someone out of the audience and he had flesh tunnels, he put his fingers through. Yeah, it was Chris Ramsay. And it was Chris Ramsay. And it was Chris Ramsey. It was Chris Ramsey. And it was Chris Ramsey, he was comparing. Yeah, yeah, it was Ramsey was comparing.

And he's, but also Ramsey is like extremely germophobic. He's like got a real thing about like being unclean and stuff. And for some reason, as a bit of comparing stuff, he did it knowing it would be fun in the room. But afterwards, he looks like he had PTSD. He looked shell-shocked. Yeah, he was thinking of something. Yeah. Really? Yeah. And he had trouble carrying on as he was like, actually.

Why do they stink? You think the absence of flesh would just, there's just there. I think the flesh bit the stink's rubbing the air around it. I think it's the flesh bit the sticks from the air around it I think I think the thing is with with flesh tunnels you have to have a fan on the Very bad thing about it. You're thinking of wind you're thinking of wind I mean you're testing the design of a new car in your hands. You're mixing your tunnels. You're mixing your tunnels, I'm afraid. So, okay, so we've got one with me.

Fake year. That's one potentials. Fake year. I think craft you all out. Let's not forget that he's actually, he has asked him, the nature of his beef is, how can I tell him to stop? That's the one. Rather than how can I get to rub off the thing? Stop.

Is there a polite way of telling your friend, I don't like to be touched? I mean, surely there has to be, right? Okay, how about this? How about if you pretend that someone else gets a bit too touchy and you confide with him about that and be like, I just don't like it. I've got a friend at work or whatever, he's too much for nostrils.

I really like him but it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not a touchy, feelly person at all. It was so obvious, it was an off-and-off. I've got a vacation. Your advice is to describe the exact problem actually. It's a subscriber sentence. It's a friend of yours. Clarking, it is.

Yeah, yeah. That's not sprouting. And he touches my earlobes and he's called Brett. And I like the guy. Darling, there's this new woman at work and she, at night, she goes around and she unplugs my bills on. Honestly, oh, it's so frustrating. Anyway, I love you, darling. Good night. All of the beef's so soft.

We've done one fell sweep. Maybe you should tell him that he's like, you've read an article about how... Friend at work. Yeah. I've read an article about this. You've read this COVID-19. There's COVID-19 spread through earlobe touching.

Or, you know, have you heard, like, the old rite, like all the trumpists in America now, they like touch each other's earlobes to show that they're white supremacists? And, you know, it's like... You're just moving around the body, though, aren't you? Then you're just, he'll go, all right, I'll stop touching your earlobes.

I'll start tweaking your nipples. It's like, you know, there has to be a, an easier way to say. How about you buy a mittens? A bit of a good. Buy a mittens. Cut his hands off. Well, cut his hands off.

Two solutions from the same place, but very different outcomes. No, the same outcome, no more rubbing. Yeah, that's true. Well, no, no one hands in one case. So, it's slightly different. But, okay, well, we've given you plenty of options. Grow an ear on none of them.

Grow an ear on a masses pack. Wear fake ears. Jop your hands off of buying mittens. I don't have any of them really good, but there's four of them. So pick your favorite one and be solved. Good luck. Be from the your favorite one and beef solved. Good luck. Beef from the starting of your beef solved. So this next one is from Joe and it is Sandy Window Pain Beef from Joe and he's really

spelt pain, PI, a P-A-I-N so you can imagine what's going on here. Dear beef brothers, I have a window-based beef with my wife at the moment. We live in a fourth floor flat, and the recent sandstorm left our windows covered in muck. Now, the weather is looking brighter. I gaze out to see the beautiful spring days, but I met with weeks old dust and my heart sinks. Did anyone else get caught in the Sahara and Dust Storm? Yeah, man. Yeah, very orange couple of days. Yeah, it was mad, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was really because our orange sky. Yeah, it was like we were in Blademan. And then the car was just covered in sand. It was just a really odd thing. Yeah, that's it. Don't think you hit the Southwest. Did not make it as far as you guys. No, I'm afraid to break it to you guys, but it was Willa Kim sand.

It was us. We didn't want to cause a regional thing, so we just told you all it was Sahara, you all got very excited. It seemed like too far. I was like, you can't have come all the way from the Sahara. No, exactly. It was us. It was like it was Exmouth Beach and Willa K from the Sahara. No, exactly. It was us.

It was like it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was Anyway, yeah, Sahara, I mean, he's exciting to have Sahara and Sand on your car. Yeah, really exciting. But our friend, Joe, continues, I suggested my wife that as I don't know when the window cleaner is coming back, what? I could try to clean them myself. What's happened to this window cleaner, Joe? What did you do to him last time? That means he's never coming back. He's on an expedition and so on.

I can't for when. For when? For when? Yeah, various body parts of blown back. I can try to clean them myself. Right, as I don't know when the window cleaner's coming back, I've tried to clean myself. Haven't really worked this out, but it almost certainly involves hanging out of a window, waving our mop at the windows and not looking down. My wife seems to think this might be dangerous

in some way, that we should just wait until we're back from holiday in a week's time and hope they've been cleaned. I think this is a much too passive strategy. Please, Pappies, help love Joe. Right. Joe, don't try and clean your nose with the mop. I don't think in good conscience, we can say, go for it. It's a fourth more, Matt. Lean on your window with the mop and see what you can do. I don't know. Do you remember that beef we had in guys?

Papi's, can you help me? I've got terrible TV reception. I've kind of, I've kind of working with my puppet. Have you got any advice? I mean, I've got badly, I've kind of working with my puppet. Have you got any advice? I mean, I've got badly, didn't I? We never heard back from him, but no, I'm sure it was fine. Yeah, I'll have to be full out of the window. Yeah, sure.

Man, we're seeing... I like this guys, I like this guys... Cut and thrust though. Yes. Right? I like his attitude. Yeah. It's like far too passive stuff. I don right? I like his attitude. Yeah. This like far too passive stuff. I don't want him to lose that.

And so my compromise is, because I think what this guy's got is like, I can do attitude and a real spirit, blitz spirit. And I think like we want to keep that. But I don't think we want to advise him to lean out he's been there for so my my advice is go and ask your neighbours if you can borrow their washing line props you know like your bits of wood and lash three or four of them together three or four of them together. Yes.

And then lash them up on top, and then do some really fun, long distance window cleaning from the ground. From the ground? Larger than going up high yourself. Yeah. You'll still have the fun, the can do spirit, you'll have given it a good go.

People will stop and watch you. Definitely. Yeah, so I'm not going to tell a specific form. You're not going to stop it falling it a good go. People will stop and watch you, definitely. Yeah, so I'm not a real stop before. From a great height. I mean, I think you should graft a mop onto the back of a mouse and send it to the brain. I was gonna, yeah.

Another good suggestion. I've got another good idea for you. Drones. It's the 21st century. Yes. A duster to a drone with some kind of mechanism. Borrow a drone, everyone's got a mate with a drone. Right?

I have. I have. There you go. Barry has. There you go. No, don't mean to brag. Clarke? No, I don't, absolutely.

But you haven't got a mate with a drone. Not that I know of Stuart Laws has got a drone I haven't got a mate with a drone We've got a new beef coming Yeah, we've got a new beef coming in. Drone beef. Let's do it, Lord. So, you get a drone with some kind of mop thing and have a lot of fun. That's genius. I do like that.

I do like that. But only do it. Do all of these, basically, whatever tactic you're going for, your feet have to be on the ground outside. Yeah. Oh, I've got a final one for you. Water bombs. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Get a shitload of water bombs, stand outside and have an hour of fun trying to, uh, you win that. You know, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking you'd get your neighbors, right, and you say we're having a post-Saharan sandstorm, fun day, right? So all the kind so all the kind of you know like like the kind of like splat the rat and all that kind of stuff and the duck install all that that sort of thing you could get like catapults fill them with soapy sponges fire them at the at the building right trying to hit the idea you've got to

try and hit your own window and then you super soak them off. It's so you know what I'm doing. Yeah, and then to dry it afterwards, what a balloon filled with talcum powder. What a balloon filled with that. It's a whole new talcum powder. It's good. I finally there was a name for those. One of the best drinks I ever went for in my time in London. I was in a beer garden in Clapham in quite a residential area. And suddenly someone just went, and then someone else on the other side of the beer garden went, and there were kids on the top of the flats looking at over the beer garden with water bottles bottles and they were just water ballooning at random the beer garden It brought such a frish on of excitement and fun Greetings and you were carrying on you everyone was probably carry on their conversations and kind of try to carry on having a chat but every so often

It's like someone got got life battleships It's like someone got got life battleships That's fear the blitz isn't it It was fucking brilliant. That's great. It was in that pub we used to gigat around the corner from clubham north Oh, yes, I'd like a wall. It was like a wall. Yeah, yeah, the land or the land or yeah It was in the land or beer garden block Garden. Block a flat opposite off they go. That's kind of amazing. Beef solved.

Amazing, see. Keep your feet firmly on the ground. Great advice for life. Keep your feet firmly on the ground. But you're looking at the floor floor. Yes. Beef solved. Be from the zoning I can be!

Beef solved. Jack, do you have a beef with your current living arrangement that you want to you want us to to solve in some way? I guess well, he's not really my house mate, and he's got diabetes. Oh, no. And Basically, he got, when we got him, he was really overweight and we sort of tried to get him to lose a bit of weight Because they were like if he doesn't lose weight, it's gonna get diabetes, but then he got diabetes anyway And so now it's like you got to put him on a Diet so that he Lose his weight and he doesn't die of diabetes.

But he hates the diet. And basically he's like the most contancras prick ever. And he'll just follow you around the house like yelling at you. He sits outside our bedroom door in the morning, yelling at us. And it's like a weird sort of, it's a weird choice because obviously your responsibility as a cat owner

I think is to keep your cat happy and healthy But it feels like the two are actually mutually exclusive and I don't quite know what to do To yeah, I did he's not happy, but he's a bit healthier. How many calories in built-on Right if he's had some built-on to chill that'd be ideal, really, because he might keep him occupied. We'd be. He's got. Yeah.

But some belt on in a water balloon. A lot better it gets. So what do you, can you put him on a, can you put him on an exercise, Ray Sheen? No, he won't do that. He doesn't he doesn't move off our sofa. He sits on the side. He's very old. He's like 30. He's an old cat. And he doesn't he doesn't want to do anything. All he wants to do is eat. But if he does it will kill him. So do I let him die? Or do I do I starve him and and keep his miserable life going a little bit longer? It's a tricky... Yeah. What's the comparative age?

What is 13? He's like 60, I think. He's like a bloke in his 60s. Okay, so not that... It's not that old. No, it's not like... I was just... I was thinking, oh, that's his time.

No, that's not. It's not like, oh, I was just sorry. I was thinking, oh, that's his time. That's my question. That's my question. Paris, I think you've heard it for a very good life. A good, another 19 years, then he's going to clock off. Good night. You want to do 60 strong years, rather than 80, piss week years, that's why I always think. Yeah. I think if you get to 80, you have another good enough time, have you?

That's why I was thinking. You should have burnt out to a eater, you have another good enough time, have you? That's why I was a baby. You should have burnt our hearts. Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. Perfect. I see an eight year old, nothing. Perfect. That's the point.

Oh, yeah. Trickies. He's got an STD, so I guess he's had a pretty good life. He must have been having, he must have been having, he's like magic John. He's had sex at least once. Yeah, he got it in an orgy, I think. Right. I mean, well, yeah, I mean, is that the answer then?

Do you get him like a life, you know, like what do you call him, like a doll, a living doll, but of a cat? What, for of a cat? What, for him to fuck? Because it's exercise and it's something, you know? And you actually, so you get a little sort of rubber fuckable cat. I should have said he is a castrated as well.

That's what I'm saying. You get him a strap on. You get him the get the strap on The full you know, but like Jack we should say crossby gives us advice at least what Desperate for this to happen. I'm so just got so many of them dry But the fat on the brips at your months tiny's shriveled up. It puts the strap on on its skin. I'm sorry, I feel like.

I feel like this is quite a sad one. Technically, I didn't mean it to be this sad. Yeah, is it like send your cat to dig the task kind of thing? I don't know, because I think he would be happy if he could eat. Well, I mean, what you're trying to say to us is, we want us to say, let him eat himself to death. Yeah, well, in which case, listen, if that's what you want, then,

I don't know if that is what I want. I think that's what he can eat. Listen, I'm not, I'm not Kurt Zuma. You know, you don't kick him. Just give him a really big stake or something. Yeah. Just let him go. And then Chuck him in the can.

No, no, no, we can't. Honestly, because people do genuinely get very upset even when you joke about these non-existent cats being hurt. But he exists and he's not being hurt. No, no, exactly. You take very good care of him. That's why you're so worried about his predicament. What's the cat's name, by the way?

He's called Gandalf. Gandalf, of course. Why is Old Gandalf? What if you build a kind of gentle catch him? And kind of so, you know in the house So he's kind of gets a new lease of life you get some new interesting things is like a little bit of a treadmill There's like a little bit of a salt goes but it's like it's a bit like when you know It's like a walking football

Yeah, I think two extra like a polarities class maybe or something Yeah, and that way then you might get a new lease of life and find yourself going. What is? Yeah, then actually it might be build up. They might be build up in there. Put this food at the end of a travelator. Yeah. Yeah, that's good, that's not bad idea.

And then also sell it as a TV show. I watch the cat doing a salt course. Cat glad it is. That's absolutely what you should do. You've got to make him work for the food. I've got a monetizing. What you don't have to buy, yeah. If you also want to monetize it as well, that's great.

That's exactly the... Resolution. Matthew with his cat fuck dolls will tell you. You've got a monetizing stick. Gotta try and make a pretty penny. Yeah, you make him work for the food. Build a sort of like, you know, rude goldberg device in your house, like a wallets and grommetsype thing that he has to do a number of different things in order to get the food

off the top of a high ladder. It's a great idea. Yeah. Okay, I love it. I love it. I'll try it. I've been saying for ages that he doesn't pay his way in the house, so it'd be good to see him do some sort of work.

It's entertainment for you as well. Yeah, I'd love to watch Cat. Yeah, maybe I'll get another one. I'll get like a rival. Well, that's the other thing as well. You can compete. You could get another slightly more aggressive cat and make them fight for the food.

But I think, yeah. It sounds gentle. Maybe the assault course is the best way to start things off. Yeah. That's what all sport is really, isn't it? It's just like organized fighting. It sounds gentle. Maybe this all causes the best way to start things off, yeah. That's what all sport is really isn't it? It's just like organised fighting. So if we don't have to fight each other, we'll play football instead. Yeah.

Well, beef solved. Beef solved. Beef solved, thanks guys. Jack, thank you so much for coming on the show, man. Well, my pleasure. Thanks for having me. I hope it was all right. It's been really good. It's so nice to see you, buddy. Oh, no, I haven't Thanks for having me. I hope it was all right. It's been it's been really good. So nice to see you buddy

Oh, no, I'm seeing for ages. Where can people see you? Are you are you gigging at the moment? Are you touring? I am gigging. I'm getting a show ready to take it to the Edinburgh Fantastic back to Edinburgh. Yeah, so I'm previewing in London at the moment and I'll be at the Brighton fringe to get ready for that So if you check out my website JackBarry.co.uk you can find tickets or follow me on Instagram. The show is called Don't Happy Be Warry. Great. Good stuff. You need to come in. It's all about anxiety and that sort of thing. yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on Instagram at I am Jack Barry I'll post about it all there and yeah, please yeah, please come and see me. Yeah, do follow Jack

He's a fantastic comment. If you're not seeing him work. He's a he's fantastic. He's really great There we go Bishbashbosh another classicosh. Another classic. Another classic. Another classic dog. Speaking of classics. Yeah, that was good. And speaking of classics, we've had a classic emailing from a guy called Ben,

and I think I'm gonna let you read it if you don't mind a cold read because. I love a cold read. Honestly, nothing has sparked the interest of the listership more than drops of Jupiter. Your reference drops of Jupiter. Another message. And it's not the, like, we got, we got in one, from a guy who says, please keep me anonymous, but I've just listened to drops of Jupiter. And it's a bop. So people

know what you're introducing drops of Jupiter to a new generation. I presume I do. I do. I'm not sure what generation're introducing drops of Jupiter to a new generation I presume I do I do know some more generation because he's Someone's not prepared someone's not prepared to put their name to it. Oh no How I discovered drops of Jupiter from Ben via papi's flat show at jumar calm high Tom Matthew Emma and Ben in the early 2000s I was a teenager who had recently been allowed a PC in my bedroom that had broadband internet access. As a newcomer to the internet didn't take me long to discover what it could offer. Forums and porn videos. One day after waiting hours for a video to slowly

download, I loaded it up and was ready to get to work. I'm waiting for you. I had to stop as I couldn't concentrate on what the nice woman was doing. What is that song in the background? It was one of the best songs I'd ever heard. And I knew I just had to share this song with my friends. Skip forward 24 hours and sat in my friend bedroom. I'm showing him the video. I don't remember

the exact conversation but I'm sure it went something like this. Isn't this song incredible? I guess. I wish I knew what it was. You could try to look at the lyrics to find out, how on earth would I do that? I'm not a hacker. You do know the internet isn't just forums and porn. I don't think my internet has anything else. My mom just pays for the basic package. Anyway, the Latin engines forums and porn. It's like that, anyway. It's like that, isn't it?

The internet's forum porn. He looked up the song for me, and after that, I knew what I had to do. Go home, download as much porn as possible possible and try to fight the next big hit. It's a factless task, but why am I still doing to this day? What a hero. Has anyone else discovered a song through porn? Cheers everyone! Bye! Ben! PS. Wow. I've just discovered dark red by Steve Lacey the weekend is off to a good

Thank you, Ben Wow, hey well Drops of Jupiter and drops of something else yeah, yeah Oolala well listen, please you don't have to take the X-rated option to enjoy the wonderful sounds of drops of juice to buy train. Please enjoy drops of juice by train responsibly. There are other ways to enjoy it rather than from adult websites. Yeah, I go on YouTube or Spotify or Tidal or one of those kind of places.

That would be one of the first. Yeah, we sure. Before you go to porn, we were first. Yeah, we were first. Before you go to porn, yeah, I think maybe go to YouTube first. If you've got a message you'd like to send us, especially if you have a beef that you would like us to solve, beef brother. I'm just going to say, sorry, Gary, if it's a bad job, I'm going to say,

especially if you've just listened to drops of Jeep, it's a bytree. Well, no, I can't dress in them. We may have to pull up the draw, but John the drops of Jeep at a bike train. Well, no, I can't dress a name. We may have to pull up the drawbridge on the drops of Jeep at a message. Because they are still coming in. No, no. Yes, keep them coming.

We've got to fill the moat with all those drops. So if you've got a message, a beef you'd like us to solve, we need more beefs. We always do beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. Papisflatshareitgmail.com, if you want to get in touch with anything else at all, including information, yeah, go on about drops of Jupiter, or if you've ever discovered a song through a bit of grumble. Why not get in touch with us about that? By the way, I listened to Dark Red by Steve Lacey. It's a Bob.

It's really good. Matthew, does it slap? I think it's fire. I think it's a lot. Oh wow, okay. Look at that, absolutely, slaps. Anyway, right. I'm off to check the portrait in my attic.

We'll be back next week with, I think, a flat-sheast land down. But until then see you soon. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Cheers everyone. Bye. Cheers guys. I'm going to run off. It's that school. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone.

Good to see you. Bye. I love that. Clarke. All right, I'm off everybody. Clark is the only zone person to sign off these days. Bung, please be upstanding for today's Patriot neighborhood watch. Roll call. Bung. If the tour got loose, Bung.

Terrible news. It's Armageddon. I didn't start it. It was Lee Wolfendon. Terable news. Oh, God, I've lost it. I've lost it early. Dole was parry. Okay. Terrible news. Someone's been hitting the eye. I'm afraid to say. Okay, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uhrible news, someone's been hitting the eye. The bad news is, it's just in Chisinal. Bung. The bad news gets even worse.

The bad news, yeah. The bad news gets even worse because let me tell you something, he really did get hit in the eye, son. And we've found out who did it. He was hit in the eye by Dean Bryson. Yes. Well, you know, you know what? Also, the sad news is Dean Bryson, Balm, was hit in the eye as well. And he was hit in the eye by me and my dear friend Naomi. Well, it turns out that Armageddon involves a lot of people being hit in the arm. It's fat. It's fat.

Better wear shades, guys. The future is so dark, you better wear shades. Well, let me tell you something. It's certainly looking like it's time for the weather with Darryl Webster. Okay. Yes, Bung. Bung, thank you Darryl. Yes, this, bum, thank you, Darrell. Yes, this is me, Darrell Webster, with the weather, as I see it.

It's going to be dry on land, wet on sea. Now with more news, here's David Oglevy. Well, hello, I'm David Oglevy, and I'm here to tell you that with news news I am a brim in. But I'm not going to tell you there being port story of the day. I'm going to leave that to Laura Simmons. Hi, it's me, Laura Simmons. You're a roving reporter out on the field and let me tell you, I can't report any more news because sadly I've been infected with rabies. So I hand over to my co-anchor, Tom Davies. Well, Bong breaking off the first sign that you've got rabies is that you get hit in the eye. It's all very vulgar. There goes mine. I'm going to have to hand over to Sarah Volga.

Sarah Volger. Sarah Bulger! Sarah Bulger. Sarah Bulger reporting in place of Tom Davis who is covering for Laura Simmons, of course. Well, Sarah Bulger here, and let me just tell you now that I have been hit not only in the eye, not only in the knee, but I've also been... Oh, no, in the knee, but I've also been, I don't know. Oh, no, not the knee.

Yeah, also in the eye, the, I've also been in the eye, the knee, and the giblets. And unfortunately, that means I'm gonna have to hand over to Connor Griffiths. Connor Griffiths here, and let me tell you, you're in safe hands because several times I've won the award for best newsreader. That's right. I'm achieving I've done a lot better than

the person who has said the God No, I work we can't have we can't have any of our patrons passing away in a in a roll call parry can't we need them we can't have any of our patrons passing away in a roll call, Barry. We can't. But let me finish the story. Oh, God. They came back from the dead. Is that a J B even?

No, with us. A modern title has a risk. Dig yourself back in that whole, like J B even. Dig yourself back in that whole. Oh, wow. And that nearly, wait,. Take yourself back in that whole. And that nearly, wait, hang on a sec, that nearly concludes, because I skipped one earlier on.

That nearly concludes the Patreon and Naivehood Watch Roll Call, as far as the eye can see, where it not for the final name, which of course, Marianne Levy. That concludes today's Patreon and Naivehood what roll call bomb. BONG. Really bad stuff from both of us there. Yeah, that concludes today's better neighborhood what we're all called bomb

God Really bad stuff from both of us though Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes, four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman Planting her course to freedom It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that poor things. It's like theaters this summer 15th Freedom, not for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters, December 15th.