Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Pappy's (again) S14E38

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guests Pappy's (again)Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to this episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. Beautiful. Yes, indeed. Go on. What I was going to say, it's an unusual episode. Right. Basically, we basically it's another episode where we had so much fun last time, guestless, that we thought we would go guestless again.

Literally, the second we finished recording the last episode of Beef Runs, we were like, oh, we should do another one of those next week. That'd be great fun. And so that's what we've done. If you are one of our former guests listening, don't take offense at that. Who was the last guest we had? We like it when you're on as well. But sometimes it's nice just to not have a guest.

Yeah, whoever the last guest we had, it might have been, was it Reece James that was our last guest? Whoever it was, it was not, crucially, it wasn't your fault. We just enjoy, we talk about this more in the podcast proper. Now as you know, this is the show where we get together and we listen to your beefs and we try and solve them. Now, we slightly steered away from the format, as you'll find out as the episode goes on. But don't worry, beefs do get solved eventually.

So, you know, so well, they get red. I don't think we can put a plural on, but yeah. Oh yeah, beef get red. We can put a plural on, but yeah. It gets red out. So well done to Ellen. Look forward to the end of the episode. Yes. But before all of that, we've got to say a phenomenal line up coming up at the Cheerful Earful Festival.

Obviously, it's a phenomenal line up for the whole festival. They're a great, great podcast. They're Lex Education, Trustee Hoggs, all of that kind of caper, all of our faves. But we've booked two stonking guests and it's going to be a Halloween spook fest. It's going to be a Halloween special at the Cheerful Irful. Finally, we're doing a spooktacular. We've never done it. No, it's mad, isn't it? We did one on Halloween once, but it was the Christmas one. It was the Christmas episode recorded in Galway. I don't think it's still available to listen to. I hope it's not.

But anyway, let's not rake over old graves. Let's rake over some new graves because we have got the very, very spooky James Acaster and Pravania Pillay. So both fantastic guests. James returning, Pravania, we've not had her on before, but she's absolutely wonderful. One of my favorite new acts, so it's gonna be great. We're encouraging you guys to dress in fancy dress. If you come along to the Cheerful Airful,

we'd love you to dress in fancy dress. It can be spooky, can be any kind of fancy dress. We just like to have an audience full of people down up in fancy dress, so we're gonna do it. We'll be doing some fancy dress as well. Crucially, you won't be alone because we will be dressed in fancy dress, okay? When it's not gonna We'll be doing some fancy dress as well. Crucially, you won't be alone because we will be dressed in fancy dress, okay? When it's not gonna be one of those things

we say audience, you do it. And then we show up suited and booted. Now we are looking forward to getting properly fancy dressed up. It's on the 20th of October at the Bedford in Ballum as the final closing show of the Cheerful Earful Festival. The show starts around eight o'clock and the tickets are available from pappyscomedy.com

forward slash live and if you're a member of our Patreon you can get a discount on those tickets. I can't remember how much it is a pound or a two pound off each ticket but yeah get along to the Bedford in Ballum on October 20th to see uh Acaster versus Pillay versus Pappys. Very excited about it. Yeah very good but the meantime, why don't we move into this very special episode of Beef Brothers? So guys, here we are back again. The three amigos, the three beef brothers. Hello. I couldn't I couldn't have asked for a more dynamic start from the other two.

Well, I was trying to work out whether you were talking to us or the listener. Tom, in broadcasting, you're always doing both. And then I was looking for the beef and and then I just kind of I gave it the ghost Yeah Yeah, yeah, I do get accused of talking too much on these podcasts, but I hope you understand the alternative listeners Cold darkness of outer space or our brains. Okay, alright then. Well it's okay, we're back in now.

So the three beef brothers, the ORIG lineup. I thought last time when it was just the three of us going at these beefs, we actually... I preferred it. We were the best version of our beef for the self. Well, this is the situation we find ourselves in is that we've realized that we are as a podcast quite anti-social. Yeah. I mean, you heard it there.

We weren't even social with each other at the start. We barely want to talk to each other, let alone some random comic who we've got onto a zoom call. So yeah, we're kicking it just the three of us today again. I think it's the way to be. I think it's absolutely the way to be. Comics don't want to do anything before midday. I think that's the other problem as well.

You know, our recording time has changed. Now we're recording at nine in the morning, you may as well say to a comic, you know, they've been out gigging at the Chuckle Hut in Peterborough the night before. If you say, oh, we're working at 9 in the morning, you may as well say we're working at 4 in the morning because it's just as it's an unfathomable time for for these youngsters. They can't handle it. They just simply can't handle it. I mean, Beef Brothers After Dark, that is, you know know that's a series that we touted for a while But it was just too rude to broadcast guys So edgy it was so edgy and and there was so much nudity. We would be quite often recording in a car

Dogging Yeah, why did you go from yeah so much nudity yeah, we were in a car My brain was still on traveling back from Peterborough and then Clarky threw in the nudity and I thought I'd yes and him. Thank you for that. But also your yes and we're in a car. Yeah, I don't know if you can call that yes. I think you may need to go back to improve school.

I thought I'd yes and him by saying something because the phrase should be yes and a completely unrelated thing. Yes, but the thing I want to say. That's what I teach when I'm teaching him, bro. Yes, but let's get back to what I wanted to say. Whereas what I teach is yes, but if I stop talking, we'll all die. My voice to me is like the bus in speed.

If at any point I stop wittering on the podcast collapses, that's how I view this. But yes, welcome everybody. Yes, it's the three of us together. We had a great time last time. We're doing another one here. You know what? Oh yeah.

You know what? I feel like not only was the chat more sparkling, but the advice we gave was stronger. Yes. And did you feel like at any point we were in a car? Jesus Christ. Wow. I mean, how are we going to solve each other's problems?

Because this leads to the first question I wanted to ask, because we are slightly moving away now. We're moving away from Beasts of the Home We're doing Beasts of the Car. Actually we should have said that for this episode. Tom's absolutely apropos and Tom Beef beef beef beef yeah. Yeah Bumper Brothers. Welcome to Bumper Brothers guys We're changing the format. Have you got a problem with your car? We've been sued by the Beatles for our jingle We're going after Top Gear. There is a natural gap now the Top Gear trio have stood down they've had their final Grand Tour and

Did you See that by the way. Oh, so you're talking about you're talking about the Grand Tour I was gonna say you there's two top top gear also that that's that's not happening anymore top gears happening But but also the Top Gear trio are always it's always though It's the OG's even though they weren't even the OG's but they in but also the Top Gear trio are always, it's always though, the OGs if you think of them. Even though they weren't even the OGs, but in our minds the OGs, yeah. Do you think there's a touch of, like, I think we stand a decent chance of replacing them

basically. Oh Tom, I'm so sorry we don't. Oh no Tom. I'm so sorry to tell you. Tom, yes and you're wrong. But what if we're in a car? No, no, being in a car and also crucially they didn't host it for inside a car. Listen, the fact that the three of us live in our car is not enough. We've got a very natural Clarkson, Hammond and May. Oh no. Go go on talk us through it because this I'm not gonna be happy

Well, the thing is I'm not gonna be happy with any of these. Oh, of course but well Clarkson quite large Annoyed 60% of the people who watch him. Yeah, maybe 70% Hammond small. Yeah, maybe 70% Hammond, small. Yeah. Annoying 60% of the people. Small and big and annoying, small and annoying.

OK, yeah, yeah. Medium sized and annoying. Yeah, in fact, you know, we've done it. It fits perfectly. May laid back, slightly eccentric, put upon. Beloved by 60 or 70% of the audience. I am, I am, Tom, are you there? Tom, Tom, are you okay?

Tom, Tom. I fast forwarded to the last 10 minutes of their final grand tour. Oh, you did? I've not watched any of them, but I wanted to see... How they close off. How they close off, yeah. And because they're all quite unpleasant men, they couldn't... they didn't have anything nice to say.

So it was like, it was almost completely no dialogue. Like it was lots of just like drone shots of the three of them stood on a rock where they had finished their first Top Gear challenge and then like they look at each other and then like Clarkson goes well that's it and he unplugged his mic and like at no point were they nice to each other together. You kind of like, oh, you really don't like each other now. I think that, by the way, that could go on the tombstone of their career. At no point were they nice to each other.

And you know what? That's the only similarity, I think, Tom. We finally cracked towards the similarity between us and Clarkson, May and Hammond. At no point were they nice to each other. Oh, they had Hammond. At no point were they nice to each other. Oh, they had opportunity, but at no point were they nice to each other. I just thought the nation needs that they need that gap to be filled. And here we are waiting on the bench. Put it that way.

By the way, you know what? The idea of sentiment is very tricky, especially in male friendships, especially in, you know, a professional male friendship, which has been built on the idea of of blokeiness. And I think you know what, like, it's not the same thing. But my equivalent of hosting Top Gear was obviously having driving lessons. That was my Top Gear top gear right and I would sit in a car with a man Who was a not not particularly nice man? Yeah, and why helmet whites white racing seat? Sit in this car and we would we would sort of we would banter and he would Kind of ostensibly teach me to drive even though he wouldn't he would just

tell me that I was driving wrong and I had to go and look up how I'd done it you know a lot of it was actually myself anyway but but by the end of it I had a sort of a sort of grudging like love for this man who taught me how to drive so we I passed my test I did the pass plus thing with him I did those days you know you go going around doing the motorway training, all that kind of stuff. And at the end of it, he dropped me outside my house and I said, look, listen, I just want to say, Robert, I've actually, I really massively appreciate all you've done for, and as I was saying that sentence, you started going, get out, get out, get out the car, get out, get out. And that was the last indirect I ever had to do it. He just was. He just was like, he couldn't handle me being genuine and real.

And I feel like that's what would happen to Clarkson, May and Hammond. If one of them said, you know what? I know we rip each other, but I've actually really enjoyed it. Get out! Get out! Get out! The other two would just Thelma and Louise it off the rock. Off the mountain. Off the rock. They would just sail into the sunset. Yeah, absolutely. Off the rock. Yeah. They would just sail into the sunset.

Yeah, absolutely. Off a cliff. That's what followed the rock scene, was they then got in their three cars and they drove across the desert. And then when they reached a certain point, they kind of diverged in three different directions. And that was kind of the big crane shot.

Because they couldn't express it in words. Touch of the Daft Punk about it. Did they do that thing that you sometimes see on Instagram where you're like they'll put a little thing over the top of it to say where those people are actually going? James May is now hosting James May in Japan. Yeah, well I think it's going to be three separate podcasts, isn't it? Actually Clarkson's got his farm, he's got who wants

to be a millionaire, you know all of that kind of caper and Hammersmith's podcast. The people who are prepared to go to Clarkson's pub and queue for like three hours to get a pint I find absolutely incredible. You kind of go, oh, there are people who are so different in this world to me. You just caught him up, don't you? Just say I'm coming around, Jesse. People were getting up and going and queuing for three hours

to go and have a pint in Clarkson's pub, so they could say we're in Clarkson's pub. And you just go, wow wow that's incredible actually. I felt a very similar thing when I watched the footage of the people queuing up to see the Queen lying in state. I thought you know god bless but that is so far from what I think is a good use of time. Yes and yet because I felt the same way and yet I felt a good use of time. Yes, and yet, because I felt the same way, and yet I felt a good use of my time was watching the people queuing up.

Watching my friends. My stream, yeah. That livestream was so sweet at like 12 and two in the morning. You know, like pull yourself into the glass of wine and just watch them go for it. And it's like, yeah. Watch them go for it.

Hell for leather. They queued so we don't have to, exactly. Yeah, absolutely. watch them go for it and it's like yeah. So basically if Jezza is gonna set up some kind of webcam of the people queuing to go into his pub then sign me up. I would watch it in a heartbeat yeah. So yeah anyway I just think we should think about it. Maybe, you know, maybe we can move away from the cars of it and just kind of, I don't know. I love this as a pitch. Top gear without the car. Bottom gear. Here's the thing with if you are going to put pitch bottom gear, what are you replacing the cars with? Yeah, I mean this is the question

Shoes Shoes Shoes, I'll say that parry you do have a lot of shoes. It'd be like oh today We're in Darby and we're checking we were trying out three different armies and it Hight up from the 80s? Can I say Tom? Good luck with the blisters on that. The Adidas high top?

Well where's Clark? Oh he's probably still doing up his laces. I've gone for some Brogues. The thing about Brogues is they're reliable. But are they in Darby? Are they in Darby Crosby? You haven't factored in the Slippy Slope! The famous Derby Slippy Slope! And then there's footage of you going, oh no, I shouldn't have worn Brogues!

And me and Clark here at the top going, Crosby's ended up in a bush. Fucking Brogues. Fucking Brogues. We've all seen Top Gear. It's exactly Top Gear, but Top Gear with shoes and we keep the same dynamic. It's not bad. Everybody wears shoes Tom, you know what you found it, here's the thing about Top Gear, is that I reckon there are more shoe wearers than there are car drivers in the UK today. So I think you've actually nailed the format there.

Oh my god, it'd be so funny to do. And you do like the floor show where everyone's in the studio and we're all walking around a pair of light care Jordans. It's a big shoe, right? The studio looks like we're sat in a big shoe, basically. We've got so many of its members, we don't know what to do. Very quickly, just to put, we'll come back to the grand shoe, or whatever we're calling it, yeah. What to do? Very quickly, just to put, we'll come back to the top side.

The Grand Shoe or whatever we're calling it, yeah. I don't mind the Grand Shoe. I tell you what Tom, let's give it five more minutes before we sit on the Grand Shoe. It's very top line but I don't mind it. There's a writer called Will Eng who's really a fantastic writer, he's so funny but that's whenever he sees the title of something that's a bit shonky he always goes oh you could have given that five more minutes. I find it such a funny idea oh you could have given that five more minutes. The Grand Shoe Matthew you could have given it five more The grand shoe, Matthew. You could have given it five more.

But yeah. But what did the old woman do? Did she beat the fuck out of them? Was that what happened? There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do. So she gave them some broth without any bread and spanked them all soundly and sent them to bed.

Am I remembering that right? Because I hadn't thought about that rhyme for forever until you said we all live in it. We've got somebody who don't know what to do. And I was like, oh, yeah. Does she sort of basically starve them and beat them? I think that sounds very much like the parenting of the last year. Your last years. Yeah. Speaking of somebody who starves and is parent-ated.

It sounds like it was written by the middle classes critiquing the working classes. It does, doesn't it? It does sound like the sort of class warfare. This is how those people live. In shoes. It's got that kind of vibe to it. Yeah, exactly. They live in shoes. I mean, but anyway, answers to pappiesflatshire at gmail.com folks, do you get in touch and tell us what the old woman who lived in a shoe was all about? Yeah, because actually, what's weird about it is you take the shoe out of that. Yeah, go on. And then it's like, actually, at no point do her problems

pertain to the fact that she lives in a shoe. Like if you're writing a nursery rhyme about a woman who lives in a shoe, it'd be like she sat in the heel and walked to the sole and then all the laces and joined the doll. And then it's like, but like at no point it's like you might as well say that was a normal woman who lived. Sorry. Sorry. that was not fair. That wasn't fair. That's the problem with podcasting is you haven't got five minutes.

You've not got those, you've crucially not got those five more minutes yet. But it'd be like there was an old woman who lived down the road, she had so many children she didn't know what to do, she gave them some broth without any bread and whipped them more salely and put them to bed, that still works. The shoe thing should be absolutely pivotal to this. And it isn't. Unless the idea is that she lived in a shoe because the shoe the idea is it's very small so but then that's not that's not her fault either it's always a big shoe isn't it it's yeah when you think of it you see it as a big shoe with the the tongue being a slide that you leave

through a little door on the side pretty Yeah, I don't mind that. Pretty cool actually. I'd love it. Leather walls though. I don't mind that either. I think that's... Steady. I think, no, but like sort of... Look better over time.

Not in a kinky way. Yeah, in a kind of like, you know, like a kind of like almost like a sort of old frontiersman type way. You know, like a sort of covered wagon type thing. Yeah, I can imagine... Sleeping under a p Yeah, I can imagine sleeping under a pelt. I can imagine sleeping under a pelt. Yeah, I can imagine it feeling feeling pretty excited. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many

children. She didn't know what to do. Most nights she would sleep under a pelt. And then she would beat all her kids with a belt. Again, keeping the keeping the leather theme. Yeah, yeah. It's all I think this is this is exactly what I think about the the order of living issue. By the way, we'll get you a piece in just a bit. I think what we've realized is we're not that bothered about other people's beefs. No, no, I'll read the first piece. OK, here's the first piece.

Dear Tom, Ben and Matthew, my neighbor lives in a shoe. OK, here we go. Yes, right okay here we go now we're talking all the kids keep me up all night with their screaming and crying I can hear her hitting them yes she's a wall smell of lead I guess it is interesting there yeah it's interesting and it's fish I'm off for a weekend at the Peak District what what shoes should I wear? Oh, that was a good one. Now here we go.

Now the Grand Shoe kicks into play. I definitely think there are there any production companies we could approach about the crash where we top the earth with shoes? No, Tom, Tom, Tom, you're talking very old, you're talking very legacy media here. This is going to turn out like if, if Jeremy Clarkson was alive today, he wouldn't be doing that. Jeremy Clarkson was... He'd be turning in his shoe.

He'd have a very well turned heel. If Jeremy Clarkson was alive today, he'd open a Cobbler's and that's what we've been talking for the last 15 minutes. If Jeremy Clarkson was starting today, he wouldn't be starting in old media. He would be a Mr. Beast figure. That's what he would be. I think that's what we need to do for the Grand Shoe. No, unfortunately, yes, it's a lot of work at the startup, but the rewards are, and the rewards and the creative control are, because I'll tell you what,

I'll tell you what's going to happen, Tom, and I'm saving us from ourselves here. We're going to go into a production meeting and we're going to say, look, it's Top Gear, slash the Grand Tour, but for shoes. They're going to say that's a very bad idea, get out no no one's no one's watching Top Gear for the cars they're watching them for the dynamic yeah but they don't know you've got to get them in the in the first place yeah but everyone like you said everyone wear

shoes we have we have we have celebrities running around a track where we different shoes reasonably surprised shoes yeah that's right yeah well they get a shoe zone at the start and they pick out choose your weapon we go who's who in the in the reasonably priced shoe is what it's called and then we have we have like Usain Bolt wearing a helmet and he runs it in his time we never reveal his identity right yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know, there's that. There's that. Yeah.

I'm interested actually. The more I hear about this idea, the more interested I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is why we should make it ourselves, Tom. This is what we need to do. We need to get a Kickstarter going. We need to get the Patreon on board. This is how we do it.

Okay, so, will you pay for us to go to Derby for a weekend? To buy some new pairs of shoes. So we need the price of three new pairs of shoes and a weekend in the Peak District. So we're talking, we could do, I reckon we could bring this in for a grand and a half. Oh, yeah. The grand and a half shoe. I genuinely think, all right, okay, let's just make sure we can actually afford all the equipment as well. Let's say, let's say three thousand pounds, we can make a pilot for three grand of the three of us going to Derby to buy three different shoes. And I think it will be absolutely scintillating entertainment.

Because you absolutely top gear it basically. You arrive and like somewhere we're on top of a dale. Or can you be on top of a dale or you're in a dale? Yeah, you're down dale. You're up here down dale. So we're down in a dale. Yeah. What are we up then?

Up a hill. A hill famously. OK, let's start on the hill. So we're on top of dale. Yeah, what we up then you're up a hill Famously. Yeah. Okay. Let's start on the hill. So we're on top of a hill. There's a pedestal and I Still I don't know if you want to start you start the show on a pedestal because we've got nowhere to go Why don't we start in the dale? Okay, we go down. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah looking at stars and And and like I walk in and go today. We're in Derbyshire and we're gonna be walking up that That's the kind of clocks and internet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty perfect actually

And then like, you know, then it cuts to Crosby hurrying along cuz Hammond's always in a rush Yeah, and he's like now the thing about the Dobby's you need to over the Dobby fast. So I want fast. So I've bought a fast shoe It's like that like you have to kind of think what and and so our persona is a kind of part Crosby part Hammond because we've got it. We've got to strike a chord with that old dynamic Yeah, the nation is obsessed with the Hammond thing. I've got is like small Annoying fast, bad facial hair. Yeah, we've got a lot going for us here. Tick tick tick. Cannot accept the fact you can't really have this length hair at my age.

All of that kind of stuff. It's all really... I've got a very large pot beer belly, refusal to accept that I'm wrong, terrible views, loud. Terrible views. And you kind of go great. Tick tick tick tick. Yeah exactly. But for the other side crucially. And then I think I drink ale. I think that's my whole thing. You drink ale and you're British. And waffles geneally along on subjects that people aren't that interested in. Perfect. Kind of goes

off on tangents. It's kind of like a gentle senile uncle. Great. Did you watch that? And the butt of the other two's jokes. Yeah. Did you watch that series where James May dropped an egg as well? Oh, really good. You know what? They would commission that actually. I think I'd actually watch that one. Do you know what? Because we're sort of so far off the deep end now when it comes to television production, like no one knows what's going to be successful, no one's got any money, I genuinely think you could get James May drops an egg over the finish line. When I was doing some work for a promotions company that were handling prime shows, I had to watch the entirety of James May's cooking program.

And like James May's cooking program was, he can't cook, he's not a chef, he's not good at cooking, he doesn't like cooking. It was just James May cooking, they gave him a cookery show, just because they wanna give James May a show doing stuff, because they think, oh, people wanna see James May. He's prime talent, he's part of the Amazon family.

James May goes to Japan, James May cooks, James May drops an egg, so it's like, they just want, like in a room somewhere, they've got eight people sat around a table and someone's still at the front and goes, right, what can we get James May doing? Come on. James May drops an egg into a pan in Japan.

Okay, okay, it rhymes, I like. So anyway, James May lives in a shoe? James May lives in a shoe. By the way, we're definitely doing an episode where where the three of us have to spend a night living in a shoe Okay So it's good. Weirdly that's gonna take that's gonna be more big budget than us going to Derby in three different Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is we work up to living in a shoe. That's a that's a big series finale The point I'm trying to get to is I think Clark is gonna try and do the hills and dales in Crocs oh despite the fact that I'm a croc owner

and we're all croc oh exactly Clarkie isn't that how is he not no it'd be my first time yeah exactly but like you know I think oh well all James may normally goes for old, old comforts. So maybe it's like a classic pair of sandals. Clogs. Maybe it's the original clogs. Yeah, he's going for it. He's got his. Yeah, that's good. Clarky goes uphill and down Dale in a pair of wooden clogs.

Yeah, that's it. This already is. I'm really excited about this. I'll be cobbled by the end of episode one. I'll be cobbled. You're all going to be crippled. That's fine. But you're going to be, uh, Parry, you're going to be sort of what's not your... I'm going to be like... The Derbyshire Regiment marched off to World War One from this very valley as a troop all together. And they got their fine and they fought in Flanders and we won.

So I am going to wear these World War One hobnail boots. They were good enough for our boys back then, they're good enough for me now. Hobnail boots, hobnail boots, ASIC running shoes, clogs, who's getting up here in Downdale fastest. This is like, I'm sure you could do a supercut of me saying these ideas are fantastic, I'll never do anything with them, but this one I really, I feel... You could also do a supercut of you saying these ideas are fantastic and I'd never do anything with them, but this one I really... You could also do a supercut of you saying this idea is terrible, this idea is fantastic, this is a terrible idea, just from this episode. I've been on a journey.

As will we, when we go up hill and down dale with it. I don't know what the listener's been on, but I've been on a serious journey because I... A ramadoll? Yeah, well I hope so. The audio equivalent anyway. I'm pretty sure they've been on they've been on parenting hell then off menu I think they've done about three minutes into this episode but anyway. Listen we've really got to get to this beef I'll start. Okay dear Tom Ben and Matthew I'm really missing the grand tour. Oh that's from Jeremy Clarkson.

Can you advise me how I could fill this gap in my life with a trio who have a similar dynamic and yeah, what shoes shall I buy? Okay, okay, okay. This is pretty good. From Derek from Derbyshire. Okay, okay. Oh my God. Well, not Derek of the Dales.

Yeah, Derek of the Dales. Not Derek of the Dales from Der, Derek of the Dales. That's right. Not Derek of the Dales from Derbyshire. Very much so. Oh my God. I really like the idea. You can really see the shape of the episode as well because what it would be, it was like Matthew would get off to a running start and it'll be like, of course Matthew's going to

win. But then he'll get like stuck in like a boggy area, which point Tom will overtake him the slippery slope. That's it. And at which point Tom will overtake him. And it's like, of course, this is working. I'll be having a terrible time the whole time. Until on the way back down. Suddenly, I'm like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's no grips. And I just slide past you both like a skier. And it's like, Whoa, I'm in a hospital with blisters I think as a hospital every episode ends in a hospital it's really it's actually we've

it's it's it's actually like a stealth thing about people wasting the NHS's time that's what it's actually about. It's like a stealth documentary about people putting a strain on the NHS by their own stupid choices. I think at the end though, Clarkie, what you want to do is we would be like, I'll be there stuck in the bog, whatever, you know, Tom wouldn't be able to walk in his hobnail boots, he's got the wrong size and over the horizon, we'd see a giant clog you know the giant clog that would always slide down the hill taking both me and Perry out just straight over the top of us and then as you're going you never said what side the clog had to be right over us you're clogging in yes you to clog in you to clog in us both into the mud. This is it. Yeah. On that bombshell.

Bombshell we do a B. I decided to walk in these. It's good man. It's good to get in. It's there isn't it? See it. Now what? And you'd be like, what Parry's done wrong there? Is he's gone for something? There's that. What we need is and it's like, you can just see it. Have we just basically explained what a good format Top Gear was? Is that what we've done?

And we've got it's such a good format. You could switch out for something else and it would still work. But I do like that. I like, you know, and again, if it was YouTube, it would be there'd be a sort of the challenge element would often be set by our viewers. You know, so, you know, Derek, Derek of the Dales from Derbyshire would say, you know, I, I want you to travel across the Dales, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm often traveling across the Dales. What's the ideal shoe footwear, but it could be, it could be anything.

And this is the format we're replacing beef brothers with. I believe so. I believe so. Okay. It's a bit more time consuming than the... I love it though. Honestly, I've not felt this tickle for years. I've not felt this excited about a project in absolutely donkeys. I love it.

That's depressing, isn't it? Yeah, it is depressing. It's extremely depressing. But then, yes, so shall we do a beef? I don't know! We're about half an hour in, aren't we? We're half this and we've been recording for just, yeah, just shy of half an hour now. But I think now, I mean this, that, let it to a nice two or three minutes.

I mean, like, and also I'm glad we've been recording this for posterity, because when, you know, when the Grand Choux historians, you know, when they're making the kind of documentaries of where it all started and all of that, they will be able to actually listen to this is where it began. This is where it began. Yeah. From the humble beginnings. Yeah. You've chosen a clogs. Crosby, can you believe it? Look, look what Clarkie's chosen. Oh, this is unbelievable. Oh, I thought it was a good idea. This is so typical of you. Do you not want to do a beef? Should we do a beef? Because I've sort of said it a couple of times now and the conversation sort of moves beyond

it. The thought is acknowledged and pushed away very much like mindfulness. You know the thought is acknowledged and then just disappears. The train arrives at the station and then just leaves without us on it. Beef brother's dawning at your beef! More cuts! Okay, this is a laundry beef from Ellen via beefbrothers at gmail.com Hi all! Have loved listening to all the pods for many years. Never thought I'd be writing in.

Wow! However, a problem has recently arisen with my long-term flatmate brackets husband that I need some assistance with. I've tried nagging him. I've tried yelling at him. I've tried following him around the house complaining. Is that the same as nagging? All of these have no avail.

This is interesting, isn't it? I think nagging and complaining are two different things. Complaints are welcome. You know, aren't they? Aren't complaints useful? Do you know aren't they aren't complaints useful do you know you're talking to no thank you on nail boots were a great decision actually okay yes I'm amputated my foot but it doesn't mean I was wrong.

Do you know what? If you amputated your foot, we'll get to the beef in a second, but if you amputated your foot, you'd have to do it sort of World War I style. Tom gets stretched for episode one. Where we sort of stick a wooden spoon in your mouth and like you drink about half a bottle of whiskey and then we just go at your foot with a hacksaw. That's what we do. I don't know much about World War I

but I assume that's what they did. But I'll get the views up. Now we'll get the views up. Tom hacksaw his foot off. Watch to the end guys. You won't believe how this episode finishes. I have a point of real ale and you hacksaw my foot off.

I think it might have to be a pint of real whiskey. I'd say a pint of real ale will just give you a nice warm glow. I think it might need to be a bit stronger than that. Sorry, Alan. Right, yes. I too am sorry because I started reading an email from my estatee. Okay, so we're back in. I've tried nagging, yelling, tried following him around the house. As amazingly annoying as this situation is, it's not worth evicting him and our three young subletters over. So I turn to you. My husband does too much laundry. What? Too much? What a twist. I'm a load or two a day kind of girl. What? What? Too much? What a twist. I'm a load or two a day kind of girl.

What? Admittedly. What is going on? Do you live in the wrong dread? She's got so many children she always fret. Just give me five minutes actually. Give me five. Yeah that's all we need guys.

All we ask of you is five. Please five more minutes. Please. Just give me five from this hand. This is the picture we took for the Grand Choux. Guys, honestly, I know you want to kick us out, but I bet my coffee's still warm. Please. Please, I'm actually off here. Come on guys. Yeah, I'm a load or two a day kind of girl admittedly with a family of five This can lead to a bit of a buildup five is huge. Yeah, okay fair enough We live in a shoe, especially when the weather's bad, but it is a sensible and manageable routine two loads a day

Surely, that's your boy one in the morning one at night do what you were in between my husband However, will wash every single dirty item of clothing within a day Sometimes even stripping beds and finding additional washing. Although insane, I could live with this if his enthusiasm for washing extended to hanging, drying and putting away the clothes. However, he will do so many loads of washing that all three of our clothes lines will be used. F**k it out! Whilst another load sits wet in the basket and the machine contains an additional wet load, leaving no basket to bring the dry clothes in with. This is f**king a nightmare!

No way! No way, Ellen! He argues that you can hang the wet clothes in front of the dry. However, this solution either means you then have to make your way through the wet clothes in front of the dry. However this solution either means you then have to make your way through the wet clothes to get to the dry ones or leave all on the line to dry resulting in an absolutely overwhelming amount of laundry to be put away. I've considered buying an additional basket but laundry space is tight and I don't trust him to not fill this with more wet washed clothes. I've offered to hang all washing so I I can implement the correct systems, but this just

gives him more time to find things to wash. While I am grateful that he is so enthusiastic about a task most, myself included, despise, I just need him to chill out. Help please. Ellen. Ellen, I'm very him to chill out. Help. Please. Ellen. Ellen, I'm very happy to help. We're very happy to help here. I know it took us a long time to get to this message, but I'm glad we did eventually.

I'm going to say, I'm going to say something here. When she says that he's grateful, I'm grateful he's so enthusiastic about a job that we all despise. The bit we despise is not the putting it in the washing machine. That's the easy bit. It's the fun bit. It's the fun bit. That's the bit that makes it seem like you are doing something productive when actually you're basically doing fuck all.

Yeah. Right. It doesn't take that much effort. Throw in the tab, maybe a bit of fabric softener if that's what you're using, stick it on, mix load, off it goes. You've done, the workload is tiny. The actual work begins when the washing machine finishes his job. That's when the work begins, Ellen.

And so I think, yeah, I think unless he's doing a wash, the whole thing, every bit of the process, he's not doing anything. Yeah. He's creating more, he's creating more work. He's doing, he's basically creating more mess, is what he's doing. He, you know, in the same way that like leaving dirty plates out, he's like, well, you know, I'm starting the washing up process.

No, you're not, mate. You're not. You're you're creating more work for everybody around you. So he doesn't do too much washing. He doesn't do enough washing. That's the thing. If he did the whole job, then he'd realize what a what a what a task this was.

Yeah. And you know what? Give me his number. I'll text him. No, you know what? I'll call him. Actually, give me give me his work address. I'll go and I'll go and tell you through face to face. Happy to do it. Absolutely happy to do it. I've got a lot of time on my hands and all I've got is I'm off to Derby next week. What shoes are you wearing when you go to confront him? Well, that's a very, that's a very good point. Obviously I'm doing it in a giant clog. That's, I've got to. My solution is paper clothes.

That's always been your solution, Tom. You've been trying to convince us. Ever since you went to that spa and you saw a tiny pair of paper bags. Sorry, let me do that. I've invested heavily in paper clothes. And this finally, we've got merch. Is brought to you by paper clothes.

Absolutely. Paperclothes. Why wash your clothes when you can recycle them? Anyway, that's, yeah, that's hashtag ad. When hashtag ad, hashtag spawn, hashtag gifted as well, we're all wearing paperclothes. Hashtag blessed. Hashtag blessed.

Hashtag no crash sites at the Pentagon. Rash. Hashtag papercuts inhtag no crash site at the Pentagon. Hashtag rash. Hashtag paper cuts in places I never knew I had. The only good bit about having paper clothes is folding them. Oh, it's a joy. Oh, I tell you what, ironing and folding your paper clothes, you could pack them away. I mean, talk about Marie Kondo. You can fit them all in a folder.

It's amazing. You don't have to have what you can chuck out your entire wardrobe. Just a filing cabinet instead of a... Pick some trousers, pick some trousers, pick some trousers. By the way, I just say what Tom was doing there for the for the audio listener. He was doing one of those. What would you call those things? Pick a number, pick a color.

Pick a number, pick a color things. The foldy up pick a number, pick a color. That's a that's great because the thing is you could do a pick a number, pick a color and that with your own trousers. Paper clothes is a good idea, man. And the great thing is you get you go out and it starts it starts to rain yes you've got a small problem but you get yourself into the dry and the warm and it the paper will harden into a sort of papier-mache around your body so actually and you clogged feet completely dry so you've got it in your

cardboard clogs they are completely dry. Ellen your husband gives me the right arsehole there. Yeah I mean you're 100% right he's 200% wrong. Oh it's insane what's going on there. If as well he's taking it out and putting it in a basket that's not doing the job. That's you, you know, there was a few episodes ago, we had the phrase half a job Harry. That is exactly what's going on here. We've got, we've got a half a job Harry on our hands, but it's not even half a job. Here's, here's a question for you. What is, do you think in the process of laundry, because there's kind of like three, four stages, what would you say is the halfway point? If you

are sharing laundry with someone, at what point do you think you've done half of the load? I believe you've done that. The halfway point is when you have hung them on the clothes line or the clothes horse to dry or put them, if you put them in the tumble dryer, it's taken them out of the tumble dryer again. Right. Yeah. So it's two different stages. If you're using tumble dryers, it's taking them out again because just leaving them in the tumble dryer, that's no use to anybody.

Taking them out again and putting them in a basket, maybe even moving the basket to the room where the clothes are going to be unpacked. Possibly. But I think dry clothes, that's what you want to be presenting people with. Not a bit like, I'm sorry, but I never want to hear the expression wet load ever again I heard that I heard that

expression in Ellen's message and it turned my stomach Don't check your DMs Just delete them don't worry it was for a different thing Don't worry I'd say you what he didn't even take off his paper pants just straight through it was for a different thing I was going to You know when you're in McDonald's and like you you blow a straw at someone it was like that don't dream okay well um B I mean I mean apart from going you're right here we need we need solutions or I would say you if if he puts a load you go, you have to finish that job.

You can put a load in if you want, but you have to finish that complete job. But isn't it more like, because he's obviously, he's kind of had a little bit of a, his brain's got a bit stuck on the washing. And so like, because it's excessive what's going on here. So it's like, rather than address the washing issue, we need to get his brain doing other things.

It's a distraction is what we need. How about watching the new web series, a grand show. Absolutely. Get him to get him to Darby. He could be he could be the series shoe buffer. We're gonna need one. Yeah, he's obsessed with washing watching things he could be buffing our shoes did you used to have to do that on a Sunday night that was always like the one of the it was the work my least favorite chore was cleaning your shoes on it and like you know sitting there were two different bushes and putting the polish on putting the polish

on yeah and like the smell of that and like we have like the shoeshine box and it'd be like oh it's Sunday night now, it's Monday tomorrow, I have to get my shoes ready and you have to shine your school shoes ready for school the next day. I don't think kids do that anymore. No, you know, that by the way is... It sounds insane doesn't it? Where you're like oh yeah, yeah, we lived in a time where we would polish our shoes in the evenings

on a Sunday evening. Anything that reminds you that school's about to start, I used to absolutely hate it. The closing theme tune to Ballykiss Angel in our household. And you're like, well, that's it. We've had our tea, we've watched Ballykiss Angel, bedtime is around the corner, then it's sleep, then it's school.

I've shined my shoes. I've shined my little shoes yeah I've not done my homework of course I've no I haven't done my homework hoping just hoping something happens yeah yeah a polish on brush and a polish off brush do you have two different brushes yeah two different brushes in a little set yeah a little a little kit and like the boot or the shoe polish like would have like a cherry on the front but it wouldn't smell of cherry it wouldn't be cherry related it was just black shoe polish yeah black shoe polish that's right did you also have did

you also have like a black shoe polish to get the stuff on and then like a kind of lacquer over the like a sort of one that was like a clear thing to kind of buff over the top. Oh, I'm not sure we had that bit. Sorry, sorry. I forgot you had to go and buff the outside of your house, didn't you, because you lived in a shoe. I tell you what, this is a good segment for the Grand Shoe though, isn't it, like this kind of reminiscing nostalgia. I love the way, I love the way, we've barely touched on Ellen's message, yeah, yeah, yeah,

your husband's a prick. Anyway, back to shoes, we've got to do this, we've barely, we've barely touched on Ellen's message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your husband's a prick. Anyway, back to shoes. We've got to do this. We've got to talk about the buffers. We're in our groove. We're in our groove. We need to get these meetings booked while this is still, this is still fresh.

This is a come get me plea. If there are any TV producers listening, and I know there are, listen, if you, listen, we're all panicking about the state of the industry. This is the thing that's going to turn the business around. And then obviously think about the fucking future range of shoe shops. Of course. Yeah, absolutely. It would be the Grand Shoe, the live experience, like they do with Taskmaster,

but it's just a branch of Clark's. Yeah, Clarkson's. Ben Clarkson's. Ben Clarkson's shoes. Clarkson's shoes. Yeah, okay. Well we've got multiple options of what we're calling it guys. Pick your favourite laugh of that one. Or just go, what? Or not, yeah, absolutely, yeah, or you know what guys, crucially listeners, you've got the time, you've got the five minutes, you think of a funnier one. You decipher what it was we're going for with that particular riff. Sure, just the Grand Shoe Shop, I think that would be the easiest.

Yeah, the Grand Shoe Shop, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're sticking with the Grand Shoe Shop I think would be the easiest. Yeah, the Grand Shoe Shop, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're sticking with the Grand. It's the classic working title that you never come up with a new title for. Yeah. And then the Grand Shoe Live at like the fucking Docklands. Or Docklands, as you may say. Well, there we go, Doc Martens for the lands. And then loads of shoe people come up and set up their stores and we're in the middle with fucking radio mics

I'm gonna go banter love it chance being you're in spite their shoes a big shoe expo. What do we got there pair of campers? They were all the range are they there all the rage people who wear campers Yeah, I used to love campers. Yeah, well that's what you wear. When you live in a shoe, that's what you go out campering with. I think this is... Honestly, it's getting dark. I'm gonna set up my campers. The top of the day off.

I love this, by the way. I think we've hit on a great format. I think we've solved Ellen's beef so succinctly. We've topped it with eating salt. So perfect. Podcast solved, television saved. Beef from the sodding iron beef! Beef solved!

There we go! Oh well. Wonderful. Very special indeed. Feels like the start of something big there. It really does. It really does. It felt like the end of something big there. It really does. It really does. It felt like the end of something to me, but yeah.

Okay. Every end is a new beginning in some ways. Now look, if you enjoy the kind of twaddle that we churn out, and we enjoy it, we must admit, then do get along to the Patreon because we can't do this without the support of all our amazing patrons. And for just four pounds a month, it means that we have enough financial

support to get this done. Keep sticking out something on the live feed every Tuesday and a bonus episode. Well, I'll say a bonus episode, a whole new episode every Thursday, uh, flat share pop round. It's a whole little audio world in itself. We do a lot of interacting with the listeners. That's a lots of great running features.. There's lots of great running features. There's lots of terrible running features.

If you have any ideas for features, we've ran out of features. But anyway, get along to... If you send me your address, I will go round your house and shout at your husband. That's another, that's a new feature I've just come up with. That's one of our new Patreonteers.

So if you get along to patreon.com forward slash flat share Oh Stuck the landing then you can see you didn't Give it one more shot because I know you know it WWW.patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. You've done it. Yes, you nailed it forward slash content Should have quit while I was ahead. Anyway, get along, bung us some cash and we can keep on doing this that we love to do.

Otherwise, the Grand Shoe will be coming to, maybe YouTube, maybe Prime. I'd love to do, we'll talk about the Kickstarter, but yeah, I feel like this is, I feel like the grand shoe, we need to get it off the ground. We've got it. At the very least, we've got to give it a go, haven't we? I wonder if, is there, can I just ask, it's a bit late in the day to be asking this, but is there a problem with the fact we've very, very publicly stuck out this episode, which tells people that we're ripping off a very, very well known format.

Is that a problem? Right. Well, let's just say, listen, let's all have a vow now. Keep it to yourselves. Yeah. I mean, this is basically a private podcast. Keep this under your hat. Is the title not going to slightly give it away? The fact that we said, oh, it's nothing like the grand tour. This is the call the grand shoe. This is called the Grand Shoe.

When we get sued by Clarkson. We'll see you in court, Clarkson. He's too busy with his pub. I'm going to fire three hour queues. Anyway, keep under your hat. See you online. See you in Viral Town. And today's episode was produced, of course course by Emma Corsham.

Corsham team! Cheers everyone! Shoo!