Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Pappy's S14E34

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guests Pappy'sPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. It's a free way to start your day Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. That's a deep cut for people who are not on the Patreon. Yeah, well, there you go. Get on the Patreon and find out. A different Beef Brothers Cold Cuts today, to usual, because we are guest free. We're absolutely guest free.

Yeah, it's just the three lovable lads that you are. Oh, well, yeah. We're each other's guests, is one way of looking at it. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know what? We learn a lot about each other, I think, during the course of this episode, because we're so busy chatting to our guests sometimes, we never stop to look and learn about each other. It's actually been a very rewarding experience,

listener, and I think it's going to be rewarding for you too. And speaking of rewards, we have a Patreon page. If you like what we do, if you like what you hear, then you can hear even more from us. We stick out an extra podcast every week called Flat Share Pop Round. And the only way to access that is to hop onto the Patreon and bung us a four quid a month, which nowadays people like to equate to prices of coffee, don't they? They like go, it's a coffee. Yeah. That's kind of the way people do like figures now. Like give me three coffees and then you look at what they actually want and it's like 25 pounds? Where are you buying your coffees?

Give me three really, really, really good coffees. Yeah. Or like buy me a pint, but it's a pint at the Ritz. But this is a normal coffee. It's a pint of coffee. It's 25 quid. A pint of coffee at the Ritz is 20. That'll set you back 25 quid. No, you'll get an extra podcast every week for the price of a coffee.

If your coffee costs £4. www.patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flat Share Share and you'll be able to have a good old time there. Absolutely right. You will have a wonderful time there. There'll also be a little bonus beef from us over there. So get yourself over there today and enjoy all of that. But for now, enjoy this, a guestless Pappy's Flat Shave Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. So I guess how we normally start is that we'd ask what sort of a person you are to live with. Great question. But we know all of this.

This is all stuff that we know very well. We've lived with each other to varying levels. I mean, admittedly, you know, there's the old expression, you know, a man never crosses the same river twice. He's not the same man and it's not the same river. When we lived together, when we crossed that particular river, it was a long time ago. It was a long time ago. There's been a lot of water has gone down that river and a lot of man has gone through

us. Not 100% happy with the way I phrase that. I'm not going to lie. I'm not happy with it, but it's very accurate. Hey, this is what's happened. We've become many different men since then. That spa on the banks of the river was quite the place, wasn't it? So, I feel like I'd be up for a quick update here on what we like to live with. Go on then, go on. All right, let's do it. Clarky, what do you like to live with?

Oh, a dream, of course. Well, you're very handy, aren't you? This is the thing with, if you get a Clarky in your living arrangement, because we know you're doing a lot of you're doing a lot of work for the in-laws. But this is new, right? This isn't like, yeah, this is talk talking about a new man crossing the river. He's only very recently affixed a little tall belt to himself to get back. Like, I tell you what, actually, the other day, there's a guy in our building. Eric is great, and he's kind of like the dad of the building, lives at the top.

Normally, if there's something wrong, he like addresses it quite early on. From the roof of his house. Number 12's drain is blocked. Which if you're shouting it from the roof, it does feel like you've done something. Yeah. Dressing guy in a Kimbo. It feels like yeah. He's the one. Passed through me, I tell you what. But he said, oh, you know, like the front gate's broken. There's like an arm that is like a big steel gate and there's a big arm that shuts it and he's like I've tried to fix it but I can't do it.

So like be careful the gates not closing itself. I went down in the morning and came out the gate and was like I reckon I can fix that. So then you know a couple more people kind of complained about the gate during the day and someone said oh We I've got I've got in touch with the that the housing the housing Association like sort it took sort out And I was like just give me a second. I reckon I can fix this you said you are wait Wait, you said that on the group before you tried to fix it Yeah, and how did Eric respond to this because if you if you're swinging your dick around, if you're swinging your tool belt around, we already know that Eric is the daddy. So nothing response. Nothing from Eric. Does this mean you get to live in the pentose?

Clarkie is broadcasting from the roof currently. So I went throwing slates down at the wardens. I went down bit bit bit fixed it under like three minutes It took me They came back up this great bit. It's all right. I've sorted it Clarkie, can I ask a question? This is a key question. Please. Did you break it? Were you the one who broke it in the first place? So, you know exactly how it was broken and you're like, yeah, well, of course I can fix it. No comment on that No comment on that. What was it? What did it need? What did it require? There was there's like two parts that were kind of unscrewed that couldn't be screwed back together. But I was like, oh, if you take the bolt off one part and

take the bolt off, screw it back in and then just re bolt it. Really simple. So just went down with a wrench. Three minutes. Look, he's just he's just tossing stuff like this out like it's nothing really really simple Revolting I saw just went down with a wrench like the Clark you I lived with didn't know what a wrench was The only wrench she knew about was the wrench of moving from Wolverhampton Leaving Burke it behind that was his wrench back in the day now no big deal just grabbed the wrench and bolted a lot of waters flown and I like it I like the taste of this water it's really feels

fresh and drinkable because yeah that's it you've now become the kind of go-to guy now in the flats They're gonna they're gonna know that you're the guy That's it Eric Eric not responded since not since not since people you know like Thanks, Ben. You know this that Eric's been very quiet, and this is nice guy Eric. Who's a really good bloke. That's it. I'm the daddy now This is Captain Phillips.

Have you batted him to death with a wrench? Did you finish the job, walk straight up to the penthouse and smash him over the head with a wrench? And then threw it up into the air and it became a spaceship. Basically, yeah. So I was going for, what's the Bruce Lee film where he has to fight his way to the top of the tower oh yeah you know game of

death is it one of them and Kareem Abdul Jabbar's on one of the levels that's all I know I've not seen it but I do know that much so and I don't know but does he have to play basketball against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? No, he doesn't. Well, it feels like that's... That would have been good. It feels like they've missed a trick. He would have lost, yeah, yeah. That's the reason they didn't put that in the movie.

It's because he would have lost the game. It feels like an unfair decision to get one of the world's greatest at a thing, but make them do the thing that you're good at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He turns up on the day, he's like brilliant, where's the basketball? He's like ah, actually. This guy's gonna kick the shit out of you. You get all the world beaters but you play them at the one thing you're good at which is, you know, I don't know. Punching. Well, that in Clark is going to be... I watched that TV show. Wrenching. That is a good format.

It's a great format. You can go, I beat Andy Murray. You go like, oh. Wait, wait, wait. I hate to be the naysayer. Can I just refine the format here? So you're saying Andy Murray's going to go on TV to have the shit beaten out of him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, theirs round to is there it's their tournament, if you

like. And so you play them at your event or your thing. I thought it would be you get a normal person who's like, here's who you're going to play a game at. You got to figure out something you can beat him at. So then I say I beat an Andy Murray. OK, he doesn't like it. OK, you can tell Tom's on board with your idea. Oh, OK. OK. OK. Tom, have you considered being a commissioner? Oh, yeah.

Because you've got all of the bedside manner. All the time, mate. All the bloody time. Only every day. That's the idea, is it? Okay. Just let them in a pregnant pause while the person with their PowerPoint goes, do you want me to do the next 13 slides? Are the next 13 slides a member of the public beating Andy Murray at something they've decided

on? That's very much the idea. Okay, well listen, I have got a half 12 actually, and it is already 10 past, so I think we're, it's great. We are, we're going to consider it. We're going to consider it. But great, really bold, a really bold idea actually. And yeah, and I'll get, I think one of our team knows Judy.

So we could even put the feelers out there, I guess. We'll get back to you in about nine, 12 months, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Judy Finnegan, I should say. Yeah, anyway, thank you. Okay, okay, how you go? Right, anyway, what's your idea? What's your idea? Yeah. Judy Finnegan. I should say. Yeah. Anyway, thank you. Okay.

Okay. How you go? Right. Anyway, what's your idea? What's your idea? I was, I was anticipating because like, obviously Bruce Lee isn't a member of the public and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar isn't a member of the public. So I was going more with what we were talking about there of like you go you get six world champions

okay all right you were talking about fair enough so your idea was just repeating the idea that's already come up but with a crash prize crash prize. To the charity of your choice. I don't know. Like, obviously, do talking. Every like the events are based around the person who's weak is, is skill basically. So, so do you not think they'd win every so is it not sort of a predetermined thing here? So you've got Andy Murray's his his thing is tennis. How's he going to do against Gary Kasparov?

He's going to well, he's going to beat him, isn't he? He's going to thrash him because he's he's a he's a tennis world champ. Then he goes on to the next level where where Sam Quek is waiting for him. And he vanquishes some quick. But the thing is, yours is going to get commissioned, isn't it? That's the bloody problem. Just wait until hockey week comes around. Then we'll see.

OK, well, look, we've got two, two different directions to go in there and we'll entertain them both. But listen, it is it is quarter past now, actually, and I do have this half 12 years. So he's solved. Listen, it is quarter past now actually, and I do have this, this half 12 is pressing. I'm throwing beefs off. I'm throwing myself out of my own commission. No, commissions never do that. Commission three series.

Ding ding ding. Well, congratulations, Tom. Well done. Well done. This, the writing in this was so great. I mean, admittedly it was by my wife and I loved it. Three series. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Tom, what kind of a person are you to live with?

I think my role has changed somewhat now. I'm the... It's a trait that my family have of like pottering and tidying at the end of the day. And I've always kind of sneered at that as a youngster. No way. I'm the agent of chaos. But now I've very much become the late night potterer who has to make sure everything is back where it belongs before I go to bed.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that, I know that feeling. I find it quite satisfying. It's also, it's like, it's especially in, you know, especially in a chaotic household, that little, you know, half hour, 40 minutes at the end of the day when it's just, you know, the only, the only noise.

That little four hours. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I mean, if it's four hours, then I'm staying up till four a.m. Because it's sort of, you sort of feel like you're on borrowed time. It's like, what time do I need to go to bed,

not feel ratty tomorrow, but also what needs to be done and can I get all those jobs in? And I, you know, there's an element of pattering, but I do like that, you know, I find that very therapeutic. It's a decompression. That's my yoga. Yes. That's my mindfulness. Well, it's replaced and it's now replaced my movies or TV series. Like that's why I haven't seen anything in three years. three years.

Commissioned. You had me at I don't watch television. Yeah, that's the kind of bold thing can we need in charge of this channel? Because let me introduce you to someone else who doesn't watch television. The growing public. Yeah, exactly.

Young people. So yeah, so that's kind of my role now, but I'm not quite a natural at it for it to mean that our house is in a good place. Like I'm- Wait, it's still an Exeter. I'm growing, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That isn't gonna change. No matter, pottering's gonna shift that. Brick by brick Just closer and closer to the m5 Just working our way down the a 303 that's people are talking about the origins of Stonehenge quite a lot lately Yes, maybe that's what was going on It was someone trying desperately to get their house back to London. They were living in Wales and they were like, come on,

off we go. Thought Scotland. And then they were like, you know what, should we just stop in this field for a little bit? I mean, I can understand that feeling. There's no traffic. And then suddenly, they never will be. No, they never will be. Surely. I love driving past Stonehenge. When I drive past Stonehenge, I always put on Stonehenge by spinal tap. And in fiddling around on Spotify to do so, I almost, I mean this has happened several times, I've done Plastonehenge several times, I almost accidentally re-read somebody. I've constantly, and I will have to get out of my car and go, no but what you don't realise is I was putting on Stonehenge. No I realised it, I was doing the same thing, that's why I stopped.

We're all doing it. It's so funny. It's that thing every time I'm like, why is this traffic? And then you're like, oh, fucking hell, it's Stonehenge. But it's growing up everyone. No. And then as soon as I get there, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Slow down. I'm like, yeah, it's got to slow down. It's the it's the it's the only acceptable rubbernecking I would

say, on the Great Open Road is slowing down to look at Stonehenge. Angel of the North not making it into the category? I don't think you need to slow down for Angel of the North. I don't think Angel of the North, it's not the same sort of thing. It doesn't feel like it's got a road that just runs past the Angel of the North. It's just... Check in 2000 years time, they're going to be debating the origins of the Angel of the

North. No. Me neither. Check in 2000 years time. They're gonna be debating the origins of the angel of the north No, I Gasped and in that intake of in the intake of breath all the oxygen went to my brain and I realized the answer It was the perfect reason for a gasp But oh no, no, no, no, no No, there's not a documentary series in it Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah. And it's fucking mad. People go nuts for it. People have dedicated their lives to Hench. Do you think that... Because I've realised this. It's sort of a thought I've never fully had,

but it's always been in the back of my mind. I've thought that when you pass away, when you die, Oh, yes. all knowledge is given to you. Oh, I'd love that. For my, for my, I mean, I guess it's some comfort. But the thing I always think about is I finally know about JFK. That's that's like what I'm hanging on to.

You know, you know what? How it'll feel, it'll feel like in the end credit sequence of a film when they show you the behind the scenes of how the scenes were made. And they'll be like, they'll be like feel feel good music and it'll be like there's the JFK assassination and then you'll kind of like shoot round to the grassy knoll and someone will wave at the camera and it's like oh it was that guy and then it's like and and then oh here's Stonehenge and then like a and then it's like oh actually they it's actually polystyrene painted And then it's like, oh, actually, it's actually polystyrene painted. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I love it. I love it. Like the last 20 minutes of Blue Planet that you think is going to be rubbish, but is actually brilliant. Yes, yes, yes. Exactly. What the... When they go, this is how we got the shot.

Yeah. Can I just... It's two years on a boat. Can I just stop you? Is it an insanely posh guy in a parachute with a camera? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I've seen this episode before. It is, yeah. There are lots of different, yeah, sometimes you're right, sometimes it's a boat, sometimes they've dug a little foxhole. The one constant insanely posh guy with a camera. Insanely posh guy. Right, and what do you like to live with, Crossbow? Oh, I'm an absolute joy.

Should we solve some beefs? Yeah! Beef! I'm a zoning out your beef! I'm going to kick things off with barcode beef from live brackets laugh love via beefbrothers.gmail.com. Dear pappies and esteemed guests, this beef comes to you from a four person share house in Melbourne, where I live with an older couple, brackets, not my parents, and a younger student teacher.

Oooh. I smell a sitcom. A lovely blended family. Commissioned. The oldest member of the house, let's call him Benny, has recently become obsessed with an app that can scan the barcode of any supermarket product and tells you how harmful the ingredients are on a ratings of zero to a hundred. Brackets will instantly kill you.

Oh no, I'm going to get it. Oh no. We've got it already. We've got it already. We've got it already. It's and it's Charlie read a book about ultra processed food as as we all must. I've bought I've bought the book. Yes. Yeah. And I feel like I feel like that's enough.

Yeah. Well, for now, for now. You've got the you've got the book and yeah. And also, you know, there's plenty of Guardian articles about the about how it's of course, that's true. But yeah, about about how harmful it is. And as soon as you get the app, you're suddenly like, oh, this thing that you think would be really good, it ain't. Oh, my God. Frazzles. Frazzles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frazzles

dead hands. Frazzles turns out not good. Mad. Tangfastics not good. But then why do they market them as health foods? Exactly, exactly. Here's the Why do they sell them in Holland and Barrett? Occasionally you get a thing and you'll scan it and you'll be like, oh, it turns out, you know, frubes are actually really good for you. And it's like, it's really bizarre the things that... Except for the frubes, I'm taking that to the bank, mate. Hang on. It's not the frubes that give me moobs.

Well, that's reassuring. Something is. And there's no for that. We can try and you move everything every night. Just just try weed out. I just can't been puttering so much food into. Well, fruit are going back on the shopping list, that's for sure. As soon as he found out about this app on Facebook, he spent an afternoon scanning everything

in the house with it, declaring that he would stop using any product that scored below a 40. I think that's alright, I think 40's alright. I thought if he said 90, then 40's fine. This started with communal items such as hand soap and laundry detergent, where nothing scored below a 60. Great. Hand soap?

Yeah. Heart, heart. I have to stop eating hand soap now. It's given me moves. It's given me these moves that lactate suds. Bubbles. Hand soap gave me moves is a great title for a Guardian article, by the way. It does feel like a podcast, actually.

Are you not listening to Hands Soap Gave Me Moves? I'm commissioned. Hands Soap Gave Me Moves, but it did help me recover from my cow attack. Anyway, Benny. I can't stop thinking about that cow attack article. OK, anyway. Benny, who, as the only man in the house, has never bought any supplies I can't stop thinking about that caretack arse-cuck. Okay, anyway. Benny, who, as the only man in the house, has never bought any supplies like this before,

freaked out. Yeah, Benny. Freaked out and accused us of trying to give him blood cancer from our choice of washing up liquid, etc. He then moved on to scanning everybody's personal groceries too. Benny's fucking freaking out, man. Yeah, he's had a tough time. I feel for Benny. He's having an absolute... He's cracked. Drawing a big X in Mark and Ben on anything deemed too toxic by the app.

Oh, Benny. In some extreme cases, like on my conditioner and deodorant. He's drawn a skull and crossbones When confronted by the young teacher about it saying she can surely use whatever toiletries she likes in her own house Benny replied, how can your future students trust you when you're happily using a shampoo known to cause mania in laboratory mice? Come on. Hang on, Benny, it felt like you were turning

into Benny for a second. I thought like, I was like, oh, hang on. Here comes Benny! Since that day, even though he still doesn't buy any communal supplies, all incoming goods have to be approved by Benny and his app, meaning the house kitty is regularly being drained by expensive organic products described as paraben free, artificial colour free and in the case of our new hand soap, soap free. In terms of staying clean, it feels about as effective as rubbing yourself

with skimmed milk. How do I stop the slippery slope? I've stopped washing. I've stopped washing in milk since the cow attack read all I don't know what this cow attack is sorry what is this cow attack? Tom forgets that we don't all sit in a shed reading the Guardian for eight hours a day you'll find out don't you worry about that man tell us what the cow attack is come on come on I don't need to explain it.

It's two words isn't it? Cow attack. If I tell you there's not a clue in the guides about a cow attack you don't need more from me. How do I stop the slippery slope of paranoia before we're brushing our teeth with bark and cleaning our clothes by hitting them with paddles. Cheers everyone, bye! Live! brackets laugh love. Wow great stuff, great beef, great beef, brilliant. Now I think here's what's his score. Yeah, absolutely. What's that? What's the can we explain the ratings to me? Crosby is it you looking for a zero?

Oh, OK. I can't tell you. No, I think I think. Wait, is zero good and 100 bad? Or is it by 100? 100 is good. Zero is bad on the app that we're using anyway. That's the so anything below 40 saying. Yeah yes, he doesn't want anything below a 40.

And I think that's not too bad. Yeah, on this on this, this one, it says the ingredients are a rating from zero, which is entirely harmless to 100 will instantly kill you. Yes, you're right. It's the other way around than the one that we've been using. So OK, so he wants any he he would stop using any product that scored below, right? They mean above a 40 then, yeah, yeah. And so 60 and above was all of the products in the utility room basically and they were worried by that. Got you, got you, got you. Okay. Here's the thing, I think with any of these things, right?

Yes. What will happen is you will have a moment and it could be a couple of weeks, it could be a month, it could be six months, but it's a moment nevertheless of mania. And then eventually you'll realize your own life is kind of settled. What you hope will happen at the end of that moment of mania is that you will have made a few changes, a few reassuring changes to your life. It might not necessarily be that you completely throw out everything you ever bought and buy a whole load of new stuff and that's your life forever.

It might be, but it probably won't be. It'll probably be like, ah, maybe I'll just do a bit less of this. I'll eat a bit less of that. I'll cut this particular ingredient out of my diet. Unfortunately, it's very tricky when you impose that mania on everybody else in the house, especially when they're not your family. Like if it was your parents who are going, hey, look, we're going to change the way we eat because we want you to live a long and healthy life and you'll thank us for it in the future. And so, you know, no more alpha bytes, then tough on the kids. But, you know, that's the that's the that's the arrangement for live.

That ain't the arrangement. No. But what are high shares, if not modern day families? Oh, very much so. Yeah. A Hamily, if you will. What are house shares if not modern day families? Oh, very much so, yeah. A Hamily if you will. A family. I mean, this guy, the obvious thing is well if you don't want it, then you buy an alternative.

The fact that he's doing it to other people is so fucked. Yeah, I mean I think there's a better way of doing it than, you know, you go and have, you know, you go to make a bagel in the morning and there's a big skull and crossbones drawn on it. It's a bit, there's a touch of- It's a bit strong. But there's a touch of the just stop oil about this I think, in that we, we agree with his message. Surely. Surely we agree with his message. Yeah, absolutely Yeah, we should be putting better stuff into our bodies and we shouldn't be you know, we've got we should go back But his method is causing consternation

Yes, so it does feel a bit like it feels a bit like that really like it's pissing you off how he's going about it. But what he's doing is actually for your greater good, his greater good and our greater good. So will we in 20 years time look back on Benny and say, that guy was right. He was, there's a, there's a touch of the John the Baptist about it. Pun pun intended, but ap-ap-ap-aptist. Yeah. But that, that river didn't have a barcode, did it?

I mean, goodness knows what it's score would have been. Just trying to remember what John the Baptist deal was actually. He used to be quite a prominent figure in my brain, but now I've lost the thread slightly. I used to be right on it with John the Baptist. He was a prophet, wasn't he? He foretold the coming of Christ. Wasn't he a bit of a renegade? Yeah, I think so. Was he a bit of a renegade? Yeah I think so. Was he a wild card? Yeah I think he was.

I think he was constantly throwing tins of soup over paintings. He was a bad boy of the Bible wasn't he? That's what he was up to. So what was he doing when he first told people about Jesus? Was he like smearing shit up the temple and stuff like that? I don't think anyone did that. I'm pretty sure that goes beyond the realm of bad boy. If you're saying, by the way, there's going to be a new Christ child born very soon,

and to make this point I've drawn a picture of him in my own turds, I feel like people are going to they're either going to be just as mischievous and insane. He's not coming out of the desert with pencils is he? dismiss you is insane. He's not coming out the desert with pencils, is he? Yeah, but... Right, Tom, if you can't find a pencil, how quickly do you move to I'll smear shit on the walls. Because I think we found out what you all like to live with.

You're tidy up at the end of the day. Jane, Jane, can you find a Sharpie? Can you find a pen and try out a birthday card? No? No? Okay, don't worry. The good news is I've tied it? The good news is... Try to write a birthday card. No? No? Okay, don't worry. The good news is I've tidied... The good news is... The good news is I've tidied the house. The bad news is there's a hell of a to-do list. There's a hell of a do-do list.

Oh, lovely stuff, Lucky. Ding! So... Anyway... I thought Baptiste had a kind of like, you know, there was like date there was danger to it, you know. He ended up with his head on a plate, didn't he? That was the thing he ended up.

I went he went too far. Was that one of his pranks? It's just having a nap during dinner. He fell asleep at all you can eat buffet. We've all done it. I tell you what, it's a good thing I wasn't at the feeding of the 5000. No one else would have got a look in. Oh God, he could put it away John the Baptist.

He really could. He really could. So I do think there is stuff to be said about for Benny. Oh yeah, no, no. I don't think anyone is complaining that he's doing the wrong thing. He's just doing it the wrong way. No, but he's not... I know, but it does feel like... The thing is, if he was contributing as well as doing this, it just feels like

it's another facet of a person who is like his way of contributing is like just like ruining other people's times rather than being like, I'm going to actually affect any positive change. I'm just going to tell everyone that what they're doing is wrong. Yeah. Do you know what? I think that that's, that's, that's the problem. That's the problem with all with, you know, that is the I'm going to get

myself into sticky territory if I talk about it. What you don't want is to make the pendulum swing too far the other way. Do you where that where like the other three members of the house are going and having absolutely you know, can we have the most rancid foods? Can we have the most kind of like, you know, can we have the most rancid foods? Can we have the most kind of like, you know, let's let's let's go and eat a bunch of hundreds and we'll have a thing called the hundred club where we all get together and we've got I've got this. It's a 98. Should we all eat it together?

Then you go to sleep. It's cocaine. Cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No barcode on cocaine. Barcode on cocaine. That's it. That must be fine. I mean, it's tricky. It's tricky this one. I haven't got. I haven't got a solution really. I've got a solution. Great.

I've got a solution too but it involves kicking Benny. It's not putting Benny's head on a plate is it? It's a plate yeah. It's a plate job for Benny. I reckon get you print out some barcodes. Print out some like really good numbered barcodes. Print out a few. You have to go berserk, print a few thirties, a couple of twenties, just stick them all over your prods. If you buy a thing, get a label maker to make them, get them

print up with stickers, stick them on your prods. It's a really good point. And also if you just want to go for like a cheaper, easier way, just scribble out your barcodes. Just be like, sorry, mate. You'll never know. Yeah, just only eat all eat all of your shopping on the way home. I mean, we do anyway, right? Yeah, exactly. Right. Whilst whilst rubbing shampoo into your hair and then run into the shower, do a big shit, and write on the wall, sorry Benny.

Beef solved. Beef solved. Beef from the sodding, are you beef? Beef solved. Hi, Pappies, Emma and guest. I'm a big bookworm, and I can't stop myself from buying more books than I can read. My wife's view on books, however,

is that if I don't get around to reading it, then just get rid of it. And if you have read it, then get rid of it too. Donate them so someone else can enjoy it. Our compromise has been to have one large bookcase and one large shelf and that's it. If the books don't fit, they have to go. I appreciate this principle as it is meant, I've concentrated on keeping the books that mean the most to go. I appreciate this principle as it is meant I've concentrated on keeping the books that mean the most to me but lately I've been on a book buying spree mostly from charity shops or if it's a living author then sometimes I try to buy new. Since the new year I've read at least one book a week. What? That? Is it that's good going?

You know, it's 2024, right? Yeah. You can just scan in barcodes. You can do one book a year now, and that's an achievement. Games changed. The game has changed. Slow down, man. You're making us look bad. It's like 2010 stuff that is.

Jesus. OK, Which is huge for me because I'm usually a slow reader, but my buying book rate is still causing some overspill. Buying a new bookshelf would feel like an emission of guilt, but I'm reluctant to get rid of enough books to make it fit. Who's in the right? What should we do? I throw myself at the mercy of the court of beef brothers. Big fan of the pod, obviously. Cheers everyone, bye.

David. Good beef. Thank you David. How is David? Being a big fan of this pod and reading a book a week. Yeah. What's- Have you got the time? Are you on the Patreon, David? That could be the answer. I'm a fan of this pod and reading a book a week. Yeah. What? Have you got the time?

Are you on the Patreon, David? That could be the answer. Has he taken the Bradley Cooper pill? He's taken the Lewis pill, yeah. He's listening to one podcast and reading one book a week. He's a Superman is what he is. In years to come, David's brain will be removed, sliced up and studied. Yeah.

Obviously, hopefully after he's died. But I cannot make any promises. His head's on the blade. We're coming for your brain. Yeah. We're coming for your brain, David. We need to know what's going on in there. It's such an impressive brain.

I like the idea of having a bookshelf. I mean, I guess I was going to say a finite bookshelf, but that's all bookshelves. But I like the idea of kind of going, well, once this bookshelf is full, that's it. It's a bit like it takes you back to the good old days of the Nokia text messages where you're like, if you want to get a text message, you've got to lose a text message. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, you got like 15. Yeah. You've got room on here for 15 messages. How significant do you think this text message you're gonna receive today is gonna be? I Think there's also something in not buying a new book and So I'm a I'm an avid book buyer. Yes, I buy a lot of books, but I don't read books I buy a lot of books, but I don't read books anymore. So I love buying them, still love buying them. Makes you feel great, makes you feel really smart. You look smart to the outside

world. But the actual reality is I'm not reading anything at the moment. I'm pottering. So I understand exactly where you're coming from. I think the discipline of not buying a new book until you need one and having a one in one out system is a pretty cool system. And it'll make you kind of, it'll make it all the sweeter when you're thinking, oh, I want to, you see a book that you want to buy. It's not going anywhere, is it? It's a book. Yeah. So, you know, then, so then you know, you wait, you wait, and that you want to buy. It's not going anywhere, is it? It's a book. Yeah.

So, you know, then so then, you know, you wait, you wait, and then you get to buy it when you know you can read it. It might heighten the pleasure more. Do you know what as well? What you also do is you then remove yourself of you. You take yourself out of the thing that is currently destroying culture, which is the embarrassment of choice, the sort of the paralyzation of choice, because if you look at your bedside table and you've got eight books there, you're like, oh, fuck it, I listen to a podcast.

You know, like, whereas if there's one book and you're like, this is my book. And when this book is is is finished, it's going out and a new book's coming in. It's the equivalent of like opening up the front page of Netflix and just staring at that and go, well, I sort of basically sort of want to watch all of this, but I also want to watch all of this. Or Prime Video. Or Prime Video, of course, of course. And you go, oh yeah, I guess I've got subscription to this.

Oh yeah, I did get fucking Lions Gate because I wanted to watch Party Down. How much does that cost to me? Oh, good. $7.99 a month. And I've forgot about it for a year. Shall I watch a couple of movies that come with it? I've watched Igby Goes Down in 30 increments of a variety of commutes. Does that make it up for the fact that I've just chucked a load of money

into the street because I wanted to watch one series of Party Down and I thought I could watch it in seven days, which I basically did. I'd have got it on the free trial and then forgot about the free trial after seven days. I forgot about the free trial. I forgot about the free trial until years later when they were like, you haven't watched much from your Lionsgate subscription. Of course I haven't. It's a fucking Lionsgate subscription, mate.

The guys at Lionsgate come in and they go, have we still got our one subscriber? Yeah, he's still, he must have forgotten. You're all still employed. Shall we send him an email? No don't do that. Listen, just, this could go undetected for years. We're relying on it. Oh, the other thing is get one new bookcase for to read.

So you've got to an in train and out tray. Yeah, you got to read. You got read and then the rest goes. I think those those have to be like really compact bookcase, you know, like a little shelf for the ins and outs. Little shelf was that that motorway services, wasn't it? That was the spirit of the. That's right.

Yeah, it was. But yeah, yeah, yeah. You're absolutely right. What you don't want is to get yourself a whole Billy bookcase and go, these are the books I'm going to read because then you're just.

A small Billy. Small Billy's still too big, I reckon. Small Billy's still four shelves, isn't it? Yeah, but I don't think you want a one shelf. I think, yeah, I think you don't want it to get become like bigger than like 20 books. Does it still count as a bookcase if it's one shelf?

Is it a box? Yeah, I was going to say that's not a case, is it? It's a shelf. It's a box with a lid. It's a shelf with a lid, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So how about that? Then that's you because you said you've got a bookcase and a shelf, right? Is that what you said? So said you've got a bookcase and a shelf, right? Is that what you said? So why doesn't the shelf become your in tray? Yeah. The case becomes the keepers.

Yeah. I mean, I'm going to, I'm going to have to employ this basically because I'm, I'm, I'm a book hoarder and we're about to move and it has been stipulated that I have to reduce, reduce, reduce. So I'm talking to myself here as well. So I think you've got to really pick the books that you want people to think you've read.

That's what it is really, isn't it? Cause it's like, you're really going back to that book that you've read. What you want to do is people to come to your house, see it and go, oh wow, you've read Sapiens. come to your house, see it and go, oh wow, you've read Sapiens. I've got Sapiens. I've got Sapiens. I've got infinite jest. I've got Confederacy of Dunces.

Oh, it's right there Clarky can Right by the bedside table The spine is in such good condition on this book That is perfect Honestly you could sell that not as used in Noob, isn't it? I was clutching mine

I was clutching mine just last night Terrible night's sleep with the children last night. And between two o'clock and half three, I was awake and I thought, now is the time to finally crack back into Confederacy of Dances. What I need now when my brain is most adult and it's three in the morning is some literature. The amazing thing about this as well is this has come from my dad's bedside table because my mum gave it to my dad to read and he hadn't read it for years. And she was like, I've given up on him.

I'm giving it to you for you to read. Yeah. And now it's sat there. Year in. Yeah. Well, the Confederacy doesn't fall far from the dance. That's what they say, Clarky. That's what they say. Basically a description of this podcast, isn't it? So we're saying keep your system of a shelf, yeah, in a bookcase, but be brutal.

Yeah. So he's saying, he's saying he's reluctant to get rid of books to make it fit. We're saying you've got to. And you know what as well. But here's the thing. Gift them to people. Make it somebody else's problem in the nicest possible way. That's good. You know, or, you know, just outside the house, a couple of

roads along from us have built what looks like a kind of like a bird box. Oh yeah. And it's got a little sort of perspex door on the front so you can see what's inside it. And it's got a little quote from, you know, a little sort of aphorism about reading from Dr. Seuss on the side. And you can go in there, you can put in a book, you can take out a book, and it becomes a little sort of miniature lending library. Something like that would be an amazing thing to have outside your house, you know? Just don't take a shit in it.

Oh, don't write the Dr Seuss quote in your own shit. I can't stress this enough. It's the John the Baptist autobiography. Don't write a Bobby hands quite on the side. That's why he was always in rivers, constantly wiping the shit off. We've got, we've, Shifting Sans, we've got one opposite our house actually, so maybe that's where I should try and put all my books. Oh well, I think, I think also, charity shops have kind of done the kind of lockdown on DVDs and VHSs and quite often

CDs and they say we're not accepting those, they're a defunct format now, but they can't really do that with books. They have done. No, they have done. What? Tom, I've got bad news for you. I showed up with a big bag of books and they were like, they basically were like, we don't really take books anymore. Well, no, they said, they said, they said they don't accept jazz mags. Crosby, that was different.

They said we don't want your old collection. We don't want your old grumble. I said, I'm not giving it to you. I just wanted to use your back room for 25 minutes. Show a bit of charity. Help the aged mate. Be a good Samaritan, I've got a stonk on here. I wondered how you were carrying that bag. Well I hope that's solved your beef there David. Congratulations on still being a reader. Beef solved. Beef from the Sonic Naga Beef!

Gosh it really was nice to spend time with you guys. Oh thanks mate. Thanks man. Yeah I loved it. I had a great time. I thought it was really, I thought it was really wonderful. Very relaxing in your company. You know, we should do this more often. We shared strong beefs as well. Thank you, listeners.

Yes. Really good. Right, do we need to, do we need to plug our live shows that are upcoming? Yes, let's do it. Let's absolutely do it. Let me just find all the details. Okay, well, if you're a fan of our flagship show, Pappy's Flat Shares Slamdown,

which is a live panel show that takes place in front of a real audience made of people, then you can come and be in that audience because we're doing two more recordings in London's glittering West End this month. Yes, indeed. The 23rd and 24th of September. So if you get there on Monday, 23rd of September, you'll see Anya Magliano and Michael Odewale. You'll get there on the 24th of September, you'll see Celia A.B. and Jin Hao Li. You know what though, why not come to both shows? Tickets I think are, I think they're about 10 quid a ticket, 10 quid a ticket,

but it is 17 quid to come and see both shows. So you can either buy one individual ticket for the shows or you can buy a ticket that gets you into both. And it's all available from pappyscomedy.com forward slash live. And if you are a Patreon member, there is a discount, there's a promo code, which gets you two quid off whichever ticket you get. So that means half a coffee. Half a coffee, exactly. Eight quid for the individual tickets, fifteen quid for the for the doubler, the joint show. Anyway, yes, get along there guys, it's at the Phoenix and Cavendish Square 23rd and 24th September. Brilliant guests, all the details will be in the show notes but we'd love to see you there. They really are tremendous fun and they're both selling very quickly.

So grab your tickets today. Otherwise, today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye.