Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Si Deaves S13E42

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Si DeavesSi on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/sideavesSi on Twitter/X/Elon's site - https://twitter.com/sideavesSi on linktree - linktr.ee/sideavesSi's tour dates5th Feb - Bristol - The Room Above8th & 9th Feb - Leicester - 45 West21st Feb - Southampton - The Attic28th Feb - Manchester - Gulliver's29th Feb - Edinburgh - Banshee Labyrinth11th March - London - Camden Comedy Club31st March - Glasgow - Van Winkle West End6th May - Cornwall - Toast Of FalmouthPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Greetings, Mr. Deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flakshare Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Oh, baby. Oh, baby is right. And this week we have side-deaves along to help us sort out your beef. Deal with your beef.

Get to the number of your problems. Deal with your peaves. I'd like your faults. Yes. Send us your faults, guys, because we will sort those out as well. If you've got a beef, you'd like to send us to be to be solved. We do need some more beef, actually, because we've done a lot of beef brothers recently. We could do with some fresh beefs. So send them to beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com.

That's beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com or you can call up the hotline. What? Yeah, I know. It's amazing, isn't it? The hotline number is 02081233272. Now, if you call that number, you'll hear a little answer machine,

you can leave your message or you can WhatsApp that number, you'll hear a little answer machine, you can leave your message, or you can WhatsApp that number, either by text or by voice note, you can WhatsApp the number, 0208, 1, 2, 3, 3, 2, 7, 2. Now, we'll say one thing. It's been awful quiet recently, the hotline.

This is genuinely the last message we received. Hang on, here we go. Oh, hello. Sorry, I'm not ready. I'll come back later. Right. So that's the sort of stuff we've been getting on top in there. Somebody saying, sorry, I'm not ready, I'll come back later and they left that message on the 24th of October.

So, really, I mean, boy or boy, when they eventually do come back, they're going to be so ready. They're going to be so ready. That line is going to be hot. It's going to be a hot, hot, hot. So keep the hot line hot by calling today, 0208123-3 three, three, two, seven, two. Oh two, oh eight. One, two, three, three, two, seven, two. Lovely.

So yes, get in touch and enjoy this episode with Side Eaves. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem call it a B. If you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem, call it a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you be from the zoning I can be. So, hello Sai, how you doing, man? Hello, I'm very well, thank you, how are you? Yeah, really good, thanks very much, really good. So, Sai Deves, what kind of a person are you to live with?

Well, I think I'm okay. There's doubt in that. I think I'm okay, but I've been told different. It's out for contention. The thing is, if you ask the people that I currently live with, they'd say I'm very polite, I'm very amenable, I keep myself clean and tidy, tidy up after myself, but you also keep myself clean and tidy, I tidy up after myself. But you also keep yourself clean and tidy, and that's crucial. There's no dirt physically on you, but there's also no dirt in the vicinity either.

Yeah, my bum will smell if I don't take care of that. You've got to. Yeah. I'm very entertaining to the household. They like me. However, if you ask my ex-wife, she'd probably give a different review. So, fine to live with not great to be married to.

That's okay. In the sort of the format of the show, weren't you living with you? We're not married. That's a different podcast. It's Pappy's flat share, not Pappy's wording. I'm divorced now, you can marry me if you want. That's true. I mean, I'm also married, so it would be big of me. It would be very big of you.

Okay. I see. Ah, come on. Guys, it's not too early for that sort of thing, is it? Tom, is it Christmas or not? I'm not out. Oh, not out. Okay.

Well, technically Clark is only engaged, and I think, like what, what I mean I don't know what the rules of Big Amir but you can be engaged to multiple people can't you? Oh yeah. Oh that's a good point. Because it's sort of like engagement isn't actually legally binding is it? Now he tells me. I have a few on say.

Yeah a few on say's. Oh yeah. Wonderful. Good night. Top's on air form today. So how many people do you live with? Oh, I mean, at any one time, it could be anywhere between two and five. Do you live in a commune? What's going on? No, so I've got a baby daughter and my housemate, so my housemate is two women, a mother and a daughter, both landlady's. The daughter has two sons

of different fathers, so they're off at different parents. Right, so you're in a like a blended family. Wait, who's going to St Ives? One of the children's a bag of grain. The other ones are thoughts. If you leave them in the living room at the same time. Yeah, as it happens, one of the children is the other ones father, so. And the doctor was the mother. Okay, I've got it now, I've got it. But what color are size eyes?

So is it another kids in kind of similar age groups, have become a bit of a daddy day care situation where you take care of them and they take care of yours or? Yeah, no, well that'd be quite pleasant. Mine is a year and five months. The other baby is a year and six months and the other son is 13. Okay. I think it's just a tiny bit too old to babysit kids that young, right? Sorry, it's a tiny bit too young to babysit kids that young. Yeah, I was going to be a little bit too young to babysit kids that young, right? Sorry, it's only a bit too young to be able to sit kids that young. Yeah, I was going to be able to sit there. It's not that common, basically. They can't have what to say in shows. He's grown out of bluey. No, I think a tiny, tiny bits too young. So, yeah, the 13-year old in many ways is kind of useless to you. Oh, massively so. It's a burden, if anything.

Yeah, so a burden. Um, but do you ever end up looking after both kids? Is that, is that ever a situation? Because they're so close in age, they're virtually the same kid. Well, do you ever confuse them? That's a, that'd be a scary thing. You've had a weekend with your child, and then at the end of it, you hand them over to your ex-wife

and they go go wait a minute Yeah, no, I've never had to look off from both thankfully Okay, so you're at you're a new Lodger in this in this scenario, but you think they would say good things about you. Yeah, I'm very nice Well, because we've got them on the zoom and they have got actually they've got some very different Opinions They want to share here. I should point out the compulsive liars. You shouldn't believe them It's okay. He's only a year and six months old. We can't understand the word he's saying Why don't you speak spoken to him anyway?

Oh really? Because that's it when you've got kids of a similar age. That's the thing isn't it? You can't help but do a comparison. Race them. So yeah, well, I forget. It's so easy to forget. So a year and five months, a year and six months, they're kind of moving around a bit. Are they walking a little bit? Oh yeah, yeah, my baby has been walking for a good while. Too long, which is one of my favorite blue songs. My baby's been walking for a good while.

But boys be thick, aren't they? Little boys are thick. You put them side by side and you really, realise just how thick we are. Yeah, that's fair. It's true. And, and also as well, I think boys tend to be kind of more sensitive and emotional as well. I know that's not the sort of, that's not the stereotype, but whenever I see like kids being dropped off at the nursery, both of my daughters are pretty fine. It's just sort of strolling in and going

right, that's it. I just want to do it for the next few hours. This is my day. It's the little boys that are like pouring at the window, crying with not dribbling down their faces. I feel like they've just got the little girls that got the kind of inner strength. I'm not saying they can't be awful as well. I think that they can be more awful because of their inner strength. No, the pasta wraps is in Jurassic Park. Yeah, clever girl. Whereas little boys are like that one that can spew shit out of its mouth. No, yeah, no one gets into it and getting into Dennis Nedry, yeah, yeah.

It's a big tool. It's a turkey that can fire shit. It's not made clever, but it's fucking messy. Whereas the little girls like the velociraptor, they're in your psyche man. Absolutely. They're testing the fence. This morning I was, basically Cleo'd already had two breakfasts. She'd already had a yoghurt and she'd already had porridge.

So she'd had her breakfast. She hadn't picked up both of those things. And then she opened up the cupboard and said, I wanna get the Cheerios out. And I said, no, you can finish the two breakfast you've got on the go. And she went, okay, and then she wandered over to Silvie, the youngest, and just started whispering to her.

And then Silvie came over and punched me. And I was like, I can't punch the dad. You go, that's it. Because it'll be very clear on what's happened here. And it was gonna be Sylvie asking for the Cheerio, who's been, who's standing there. That's me, the real one. The violin.

Listen, ask him for a friend. You're from the starting out of beef! Porkcats! Let's try and solve some other people's beefs. And in fact, the first beef tom is from the world of childcare. So do you want to read the one from Richard? I do indeed. Free range beef, Nursery Beef, from Richard.

Oh, my beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. Get in touch. Great way to get in touch. As we nudge this podcast closer to parenting hell's lawn, set up our tanks on the other side of their fence. Hi Tom, Ben and Matthew, I have a free range beef that grinds my gears every working day of the week. Every morning, I'm trying my best to get ready for work,

feed the cat, get my sundress, and take him to nursery, just about making it on time to start work. My son is three. For the past two years years I've joined the queue outside the nursery gate to drop him off and collect him. My beef is this. Chatty parents. Five of the parents spend ten minutes chatting at both pickup and drop off. Brackets, I have timed it. Subjects include potty training updates, eating habits, what happened during the day, weekend plans,

general chat about upcoming activities. I think all of those fall under general chat, but... LAUGHTER In the defence of the chatty parents, I know it's not like us to side against our listeners, but here we go. In the defence of the chatty parents, I would say, potty training, eating, what happens during the day, that's all fine. I would say weekend plans, not fine, general chat is not, I think child-based chat is

acceptable with the with the childcare provider. Well he doesn't say eating habits is about the children. He says we have an app which allows us to send and receive all of this information and the nursery updates it. There is also a WhatsApp group that my wife has been added to for extra info. Strangely, none of the dads have been added to this, so I receive this information secondhand. Only one child can be dropped off at a time. Sometimes my drop off time is upwards of 20 minutes due to multiple chatty parents. How do I solve this free range beef

while still appearing to be the caring, loving parent of a three year old? Thanks, front names only, Richard. Right. Okay, firstly, can I just pick up one other detail here? He's saying five of the parents spend 10 minutes chatting. I thought that was 50 minutes. That is maths.

So if you've got five of the parents spending 10 minutes chatting, they're chatting for two minutes each. I don't know. If you break down, say for example, Matthew, if we record a 30 minute podcast, Ben and I aren't talking for 10 minutes each. Yeah. Just a look at example out of the ether. I'd be surprised if I make it to a minute.

Clark is going on for at least 20 or those 30. Are you saying Tom, that the plan for Richard is to get the chatty one in your crosshairs and eliminate them? The one who's doing nine minutes Get them out basically is that your idea socially ostracized socially ostracized them. Yeah So I what do you think I'm is your is your daughter in child care yet? Is your daughter in childcare yet? She was and now she comes to either my parents or my ex's parents, which is what we're working

which is quite nice. Oh that's great, yeah. Quite a nice arrangement. Yeah, I had a similar thing where I turn up to the childcare because before Lydia started going there, she'd be meeting like, we'd be meeting all the other parents and we get there. As soon as they found out I was a comedian, they'd be asking all the standard comedian

up party things. Oh, turn us a joke. What sort of things do you talk about? I talk about you. What do you want to hear? I find the best thing that you can possibly do is just, I am in one of those WhatsApp chats, actually, because I insisted that I join it, and then they suddenly realised that no other fathers were in it, so they sort of started adding some.

And I'll tell you, none of those fathers talk. Yeah. They're in the group, but like me, they've all muted it, they just wanted to be there. Can you reinvent yourself as stockbroker dad or like new job dad, by like a crass 90s car phone warehouse headset? And you're talking to your kid all the way, into nursery, like being engaged with your kid,

be talking to your kid. The second they go through the door, hi, Stu, yes, no, great. Give the fingers to the other parents, like great, great. No, no, yeah, and then be in the car. Why are you giving the fingers to the other parents? I mean, that's really hard.

I should have clarified, I should have clarified, not D finger A finger. That's even worse. You've got to last commission. Get in there, figure on the parents. You know what, you know what, stop broke, because alike. It was the 90s, it was a di-hike sell. You know, it's that kind of the fingers to kind of like you me point to a lunch place, beat your chest like wall for wall street then you're in the car and you're down the road. Do a line. Yeah exactly. I don't like fucking that guy has got places to be.

I don't want to know about his eating habits because he's eating at the IV. Oh, whenever it is, I don't know. Where's the stockbroker? I think all we've done with that, rather than solve the beef, is proof we know fuck all about stockbrokers. Prove we know fuck all about anything really. Because presumably he can't just drop the kid off with the other parents and go, you let him in,

I'm off doing business. You're doing a wait in the queue. Yeah, having them out with the actual childcare. But no, that bit, you're talking to your child, but about the foot to 100. So, you're like, yeah, a talker, so how this conversation would go, please, actually. Tom, I'd like to hear this. He's kind this kind of going what sugar's feeling strong at the moment right

Got it up like we're gonna go into grain this month by cell big Table at the Ivy you me three up and then you're in the car You, me, three, up and then you're in the car That's into crop rotation Hey the original stock He's a crop broker Sorry Tom how is this rock? Roka crap parent 90s film on pitching can I

I can't wait for it Listen Tom, I've got to ask, how does this solve the beef of having to wait a long time while put parents' chat? If you just chat, I used to just use not chatting to his kids. And that's the problem. He's bored because he stood there in silence. And he should be chatting just kid about crops and stocks. So let's just get this straight, right?

The chatty parents can't be stopping him, dropping his son off on time. If it, it, it, it, it, I think that's the point that they're cute. He has to wait for them to individually have their conversations before it, he gets to drop his kid off. No, once the door's open, the same is out there and everyone's like, wait a minute, I'm talking about my eating habits first.

I think that's what's happening, Tom. Yeah, that's what you're suffering. But you just walk past them and put the child in Of course they fucking are. No, they're chatting to each other, it doesn't matter, that wouldn't matter, he's not waiting for everyone, he's not waiting for for dead silence, he's waiting for the teachers to stop chatting. Right, well in that case then he's got to engage the teacher in the footsie 100. Right, well in that case then he's got to engage the teacher in the FTSE 100. So do you have any helpful suggestions here? I've got two answers.

Great. If you want a sense of one or the one that I'd like to see. Let's see the one you'd like to see first of all and then we'll give him some proper advice. I've given the sensible answer, sorry. Apologies, of course. Of course. The what I'd like to see and this is, I think, would be incredibly effective is he needs to become the dad that shits himself. Right.

There's always one at every nursery. Yeah. Like you're not, you're not waiting for him. Are you? You're saying, no, go on, you go through. You've, you've had an accident. And then by it, like by the time you get there, you could turn waiting for him, are you? You're saying, no, go on, you go through. You've had an accident. And then by the time you get there, you could turn up at any time,

and they will let you through, because they don't want that smell. They don't want to talk to you. But you're suggesting you shit to yourself every day. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. I have a feeling that the nursery might start talking about that rather than,

I think there will be a point when they go, look, unless you stop your shit in your self-hatside art gates, we're not taking your kid anymore. Would have the kid was shit in themselves? This was why I was thinking, load them up. Well, maybe just a toilet emergency, load them up, give them the four, three breakfasts. And then... Banana and prunes. Yeah. And then they've got

to get in there. And a cobweb. A strong, a strong, a dubious presto. And a banana and prune smoothie. Well, I'll give you lively on the trading floor, won't it? Some shawl maybe. Took some shawl into your g-lay. Fuck nursery, let's get to the wharf. So, okay, so we've got either you or the child, you know, the choice is yours Richard, shit yourself, or what's your actual genuine advice? Turns out, perlier. Yeah, I think that's it, isn't it? Bit of a big problem. There it is.

Yeah. Get it first. You've got to be there for when they ring the bell for training to commence. If you don't like the queue, there'd be the first one in it. And then technically, there is no queue. You're not in the queue. You are.

The queue. I've always said that. Exactly. You said that. The first time you were in blind. That's one of the nine. He turned around to all the other inmates. He may have gone front names only, but his full name is actually Richard Cue. All right, Rich Cue, there's your advice, mate.

Sugar and grain. Be the Cue's. The great Cue. Sugar and grain and be the Cue. Good job. Sugar and grine and be the key. Good luck on this talk exchange. Be solved. Be solved. Be solved.

Be solved. Be solved. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bunkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters for December 15th. Dear Pappies, I have a beef for you to solve. I like to have a sweet treat with a cup of tea when I'm relaxing at home after work. However, my partner, who is also my flatmate, is constantly eating my treats. I will approach the packet hopefully, expecting to find a delicious snack and look inside to find his got there first and it's complete the empty.

I've asked him to throw away the empty packets but it seems as though he always feels compelled to leave evidence of his crimes. I've tried keeping my treats in the secret hiding place but he always finds them. I've confronted him about this and he looks guilty for a second and then goes on to search for more food. What can I do to protect my snacks? Many thanks. I listen

to dear. Is anybody else thinking a very similar attack? She shits on the food. This is well or you laced the food with laxatives. Do you not, do you not sort of like you put out sort of decoy fake snacks that you have in some way tampered with? If she does that, no, would you not be hungrier? That's a good point, yeah. Do you, obviously this is a tricky question for you because you've just got divorced, Ty. But do you hide things from your partner? My finances.

Yeah. Um, Tom, Ben, do you ever, is there anything that you don't tell your partner where it is located in the house? No. She knows where everything is. Is that because Megan is listening to this episode, Ben? She's in the room, guys. We'll get the truth when we're off air, I'm sure. Because I think I was going to suggest like maybe having a sort of like a little hidden

area where you keep your snacks, but that feels like a slippery slope, doesn't it? That feels like, you know, like for some reason, you don't want to sort of fight their, their bad practice with your deception. Where is Lacing Things with Lax nips? It's totally fine. Where is K. Give them the running shits, it's absolutely fine.

My wife asks me to hide things. Oh! Salami's. Like a game. He says like, if you are going to buy those chocolate biscuits, you've got to put them somewhere where I don't know where they are because I cannot stop myself from eating them. Right, and you just put them straight where I don't know where they are because I cannot stop myself from eating them. Right. And you just put them straight into your belly.

So that's it. You're not going to go from there. Nature's safe. Yeah. So because I think, I think it's nice to have sweet treats in the house with a bit of restraint, but Jane says she hasn't got the restraint. So she'd rather either we don't have them at all or she doesn't know where they are. Once she knows where they are, they're gone.

My ex used to buy me treats. She'd let me know. When we were dating, when she had a flat sort of further away, she'd text me and she'd be like, oh, I've got you some treats. And then I'd get there and she'd willive eaten them. I hate to say it this soon. Why did you bring it? Her choice, actually.

He's a mouse trap type or like a Pavlovian, you know, like when they did it to a bar on the Simpsons where you kind of a lecturer, you kind of have a mild electric effect every time you took the biscuit tin, for example. So that you're all over it. I took car battery. Yeah, so your partner starts to associate going for a biscuit with mild pain. Only mild pain.

I think I'd put up with that for a biscuit. Yeah, that's true, actually. That's just a nice man. In fact, it might get me into mild pain. It might have the opposite hablo've loathe being a vet. No, I'm criminally addicted to biscuits, and I'm also really into SNM as well. Or pass me a biscuit and a battery to live.

That was a slippery slope. Yes, yes, yes. I've got bad restraints, actually, at the moment. I've got really, really bad restraints last night. Which isn't popular in SNM? No. You've got a good, that if anything you've got a, you've got a tight and those knots, haven't you? You've got to make sure no one's wriggling out. But we've still got, because basically Halloween, just happened. It was two weeks ago, kids collected loads of sweets, but they

just care about the collecting of the sweets. They're not of an age with actually all that bothered about the sweets, so there's a big box of sweets in the garage, and last night, just before bed, just before bed as well, I ate seven Cadbury's roses and then you couldn't sleep. Honestly, I was like, I was lying there grinding my teeth like I've been out clubbing, you know? It was really, it was mad Honestly, I was like, I was lying there grinding my teeth like I've been out clubbing, you know?

It was really, it was mad, but I was like, I thought I'll just have one because I really, I want a little sweet thing after, after I've had my dinner. And one just wasn't enough, and I made it. Which makes the question, trick or treat. Did it turn out to be a trick after all? It was, I tricked myself into having a very, very late bedtime

is what I did. A long-form trick. Your sweets were laced with pro-plus weren't it? Oh, yeah, that was a little trick. That was a little trick, yeah. You've got to inject your sweets with speed at Halloween, just to teach those parents a lesson. When it comes to most of the sweets at Halloween,

you don't need to inject them with anything. And I'm eating it all as well, I'm having it all. The other day I had some... I'm having it all. I'm having it all. I've seen everything. Daddy, where are our sweets? You're not first about that.

They don't know. They're in the garage, they're crucially don't know where they are. I'm having them all. They're on top of the recycling in a little tub. No one knows. But yeah, I had some glow in the dark and popping candy. And I thought, why the fuck am I an adult eating this? Why am I doing it? It's because I've got zero restraint. It's really bad. It's really, really bad. I need to get it back. And just imagine you turning your light off at the end of the night. You're barely glowing in the dark. Just doing the rest of it.

What's that popping sound? Charlie can't fall asleep next to me. Because I'm shining. I look like a lava lava. If you're the rest of the light, I'm a bellybutton. So you're like, what was that? I was telling you, he's really telling you, he's really telling light, I'm a belly-batter. I was like, what was that? I was like, what was that? Teddy Raps, Rupsin, there was like a night mark as well.

Teddy Rapspin, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that glow worm, that glow worm, yeah. I know what my eye was. I know where the eye was. I'm not, I'm not actually. Well, you've got a birthday coming up Tom. Would it be too much to suggest that she treats him like the Yakuza and she takes one of his fingertips?

It might be. Yes. A finger for a chocolate finger. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's the only, the only method he's going to understand really. I think rather than sitting down having a chat and saying, please, can you not nick my just snacks? A bomb bomb for a bomb bomb. please, can you not nick my just snacks? A bomb bomb for a bomb bomb.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, just start with the little finger. You'll never play the piano in quite the same way again. And then just slowly, slowly work through the hand. Or you could do it the other way. You could do banshees of an escheron and drop off one of your own fingers and throw it at his door. Every time you said the other way I was like toes.

Start for the other end. He's tricky, isn't it? Yeah, what we suggesting. It's tricky. I do have to question as well because there's a bit in here towards the end where she said, I've confronted him about this and he looks guilty for a second and then he goes on a search for more food. That is the behaviour of a dog. Yeah. It's cheating. Is she banging a dog? It's a critical question we ask at least once an episode. Are you banging a dog guys getting touch?

Usually male. Please don't. Please, go take you now. Please don't. That's my other podcast. Because I go through these now. Please, don't. Sorry, that's my other podcast. Because I go through these emails. I absolutely don't want to. Don't tell me if you are just, you know, turn yourself in,

stop doing it. It's not on. Don't tell us, but insinuate it. No, please don't. I said, I said, I said, I said, send a blurred out photo. No. I don't need any of that. None of that, thank you very much.

Directly to Matthew's DMs, they are. They are open, but not for that, crucially not for that. Right, well, it does seem like this person is more dog than man. So what are you saying? Just rub his nose in it. Next time we nick should tell it to you, Kakes.

Just shove his nose into a ton of CK. Hit him with a nose paper. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Hit with a nose paper. So be about sides. Yes, exactly. Or just turn your back on him.

It works, guys. Okay. Turn your back on him, put him in the rain. Or fuck him again. Or, crucially, have sex with him like the dog that he is. He solved. He solved.

He solved. He solved. He solved. I'm the, yeah. He solved. He solved. Some really good solutions to that. Yeah, well done everybody.

I think we really, we covered ourselves in glory that. And covered ourselves in glory there. So this is cigarette beef from David. David writes, I live alone in a flat which is part of a small block designed for lonely single men. The lonely single man in the flat below is a smoker and since moving in six months ago has covered the path outside in cigarette ends He seems to be completely unaware of the filter tip carpet we have to walk over each morning I want to say something but he is a big scary man who I feel will eat me or belittle me in some way What do I do yours David? I actually end that sad lonely man or belittle me in some way. What do I do? Yours, David.

I actually am that said, lonely man. No. LAUGHTER Are you David or the big scary one? I'm the big scary one, of course you are. Of course, you are. Sorry, I think you've got a filter on your zoom. The mad force cigarette breaks on this record already. It's probably...

I haven't picked up on it. LAUGHTER on this record already. I haven't picked the bonnet. Do you fashion the ends into a message, art textile? Oh, yeah. I like this. You're Neil Buchanan this. You go down, use a bit of like, yeah,

use a bit of, you know, nags, maybe a pair of tweezers for hygiene. And you're fashioning to like pick me up dude or something like that. Yeah, or like have you ever fucked a dog? Just like that, you know, along those lines. Which of your fingers would you like to lose first? Pick me up dude might send the wrong message to a lonely single man. Especially one who's struggling with a two pick you up. No, we should try.

Right, lift me above your head mate. Lift me above your head. Have you seen dirty dancing? I want to have the time of my life. Yeah, and your life not going to be very long if you keep smoking. This guy is going to get into shape to perform the dirty dancing medley that you've got planned. And you're quite smoky.

Yeah. Turn, turn your garden path into a suspended log above a river. I mean, that's a solution in itself, actually. It is. Yeah. It's not bad. The river's going to take away the ends, aren't they? It is.

It is. Yeah. But then you can also have a nice time lifting each other on the lines. Um, he solved. Yeah, that's like a big, from the starting I can be saved! Right, and we're back, and I'll say so it's the first time I've ever seen somebody use a lighter to light a vape. But yeah, you're really committed to smoking. I tell you, the fubus coming off the hat, they're a very vibrant colour.

I feel dizzy. But yeah. Whatever it takes to get you through the record. You can get popcorn long, that really pop corn, aren't you? I think because you said this before we started recording, you said you've actually got a beef you wanted us to solve. And seeing as we dispatched David so quickly, I think we've got just about enough time for it.

What was the beef you wanted us to solve? Now, I've got a point out, just to case, they listen, I don't imagine they will, because I'm not sure that my 69 year old land lady is familiar with podcasts, but we always assume people aren't listening with that help. Yeah. That's a great way to operate.

It takes the pressure off of us. Yeah. So she keeps fruit in a bowl, not a shocking statement. Now, I should point out as well, I've never seen anyone in that house eat fruit other than me. So I'm not sure who that fruit is for. That fruit always goes rotten to the extent where it will nearly every time

encourage fruit flies. Now, when I have my daughter, she is in, so I'm just renting like the single room and my daughter sleeps in the room. So when she's in there, I'll go downstairs and I'll work downstairs in the kitchen on a, I choose a little corner for myself. And for some reason, the fruit bowl always ends up getting moved directly to where I sit. So I spend quite a lot of time working batting away fruit flies. I don't like it. Oh, I should point out as well. I asked the daughter, like, because, you know, I'd look like Sam, a polite guy, I don't want to bring up the issue and be like, can you get rid of these apples? But I said to him, what are these apples doing here?

Cause a couple of them gone rotten. And she said, oh yeah, they're my mums. She just sort of leaves them there. I asked her once and she got annoyed. So I don't ask her anymore. Right, I think what you need to do is serotoniously replace the fruit with wax fruit. You know, like you don't see it very often.

You often see it in like a habitat or something like that if you're going around, you know, all of those places that shows you what a house might look like if you were to buy all these things, right? They'll often be a bowl of like, you know, like the plastic fruit doesn't look that great, but the kind of the more realistic fake fruits, then she gets the effect of, like, I appreciate it, some people like to, you know, like, I'm an ice bowl of fruit, it sort of suggests,

oh, this is a house that's lived in, it promotes freshness, it suggests that you're having a healthy lifestyle, even if none of that is true, but fruit can be a bit of a kind of thawing inside, because as soon as you buy it, you're a ticking timer before it all goes off. You know, it's a race against the clock. When it's rotten, that's not fruit that says people live here. That's fruit that says this house has been abandoned. That's exactly it.

People did live here up until two weeks ago. Is there another cardiac arrest on their sofa? No one's come to find them. And then when you are hungry and you've replaced the fruit with wax fruit, you can just smoke the apple. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Or, you know, you can make a little bong out of it. Sure. Because you can, I, you can make a bong out of an apple, I've found, I don't, I've never smoked a bong before. I've found. But no, I, I, I heard this this the other day because someone was telling me about their exploits as a teenager being a marijuana smoker. And they said, these dev make bongs out of things.

They said, you can make a bong out of an apple. So, you know, maybe replace all of the fruit with bong, with the fruit shaped bongs. A bong bong. There was a look on Tom's face for a moment there that said, I have got an apple. An apple? Do you have an apple, Tom? No, I think the look on my face was I'm checking my Instagram feed briefly.

I was there. Briefly. Don't worry about that. A lot of traffic for your story. You put up there. You're real. You put up, Perry. A lot of people about worry about that. Lot of traffic for your story, you've put up there, you're real, you put up, Perry, a lot of people are excited about it. Yeah, my apple bonk.

It's a straw in that, it's getting a lot of action on the gram. They make a bonga out of a cumb quatt. You've got to follow Tom on Instagram. It's really good. It's really, really good stuff. The green bonga, is it at green bonga is at green monga green bonga. Green grouches are isn't it fruit monga?

No, no, no. That was something in it. No one's got a fruit monga. What mongas do you get? I am cheese fish fish. Oh, you're the whole of fish bonga. Cheese. Cheese bonga. I make bongs out of cheese. Oh I've seen that. What the cheese bonga?

Yeah, people have made them out of like blocks of cheddar. Great, okay. That might be me then, at cheese bonga. If you want some really good smoked cheddar. It's good actually, because if you smoke it and then get the mung cheese, it's just, yeah. Or if the police arrive, you can eat the evidence. There you go. Oh, I've got one.

I've got one. Lean Grocer. Oh, there he is. They say they're getting lean, don't they? Yeah, they absolutely did in 2003. I'm at the Lean Grocer. As somebody who listens to the street tabo once and goes, Oh, yeah.

People call it getting the lead. Yeah, great. Follow me at the lean grocer. Is that how Instagram handles worked? Yeah, that's how they did it. Right, that way, yeah. Plug me in. Anyway, beef solved.

LAUGHTER I'm not sure what the solution was with. Well listen, it's get on the weed boy. Get on the weed. Yeah, on the weed boy. Yeah, yeah, it's just get really high, nothing will matter. Just to fill it with edibles. So, sorry, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It's been an absolute pleasure having you on.

Thanks for having me. It's been delightful. It's been a joy of... you on. Thanks for having me. It's been delightful. It's been a joy of you. You're good at this man. You're good at this. It feels like we've done some really good work today. Now, say, tell people if they're not already familiar with your work, where can people find you,

where can, where can people hear you? Tell us all about it. Well, I'm just at side, I tell you it's on everything, which yes, Tom is Instagram. That's how you do it. And all other things, just search Side-Aids. I'm the only one, so I'm the only one you'll find as well. Crucially, this is the big one.

I'm going on tour in February. It's my first ever tour. So people should come. It is what I'm hoping for. I've written down. By the way, that sums you up. That's perfectly. There was a lot of front foot at the start and then a lot of back foot at the end. You know, nothing is not a balanced comedian. People should come is what I'm hoping for. That was in the court hearing for the divorce. Yeah, so where about you go in and where can people find tickets for that? Soidevs.com, is that your website?

Soidevs.com, that's correct, yeah. And that's a website. That is a website, yeah, it's different to Instagram. Great, okay. So I am going to, well, there's a few of these dates that are yet to be confirmed. So I've not announced it just yet, but probably Bristol at the room above on the fifth of February, that's what I'm waiting to confirm. I'm at Leicester Comedy Festival,

wait for the ninth of February, I won't tell you all of the dates, but come to those. And then, oh, this is the big one, because I've booked two big of a room, is 21st of February, at Southampton, the attic. It's 150 cedar, and I don't know enough people to fill that. Manchester on the 28th, Edinburgh, Banshee, Laveroon on the 29th, and then we're into March, because obviously there's nothing passed the 29th for February. I live in the March for in Camden. I'll also be doing the tour show in in South End in March. I've not booked that yet. All the Camden one, by the way, if enough people

come to that, I'm going to film that. I'm going to film that, I'm going to film that. Oh, brilliant. And then, all speaking of filming stuff, I've just filmed, I'll get to that and say, I'll tell you what, you know what, you're ready for these plugs. Most people kind of go, no, I don't know, just follow me on Instagram, but this is good. You've got it. I've got it. Keep going. So, Grasco International Comedy Festival, 31st of March, it's the final day, and then I'm also going to Cornwall in Falmouth on the 6th of May, and there'll be something

between currently trying a book, Cambridge, Birmingham, Brighton, so just come and see me. Good luck, Lionel. Yeah, fantastic. And what did you film? I've just recorded my first show, Cyklops, which is all about how I went blinded, one eye for a week.

I have a look at Sion Lian, I have a watch of his last special, if you like it, then get along the Ciam on tour, sidews.com is where you need to go. Just remind us of the tour dates again. Yeah. Yeah.

They're just a favorite through me, just come and find me. Yeah, brilliant. So I want a total of pleasure having you on Good Luck with the tour and see you very soon. Thanks very much, guys. Lovely to see you all. Three, two, seven, two. There you go. Lots of fun there. Lots of fun. Happy, solved, shit sorted. Yeah, we also sorted a bonus beef with psi so if you want to

hear that get over to our patreon patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share and join the fun today for a mere four pound a month you know what's that pound a cup of coffee it's a pound a week yes less than that some some months it's a pound a week more than it in other months. More than it was a few fortnight long months. It's probably balances out. I would say I would say listen, let's not quibble over how much it's around a pound a week. But anyway, yeah, for four quid a month, you can get not just the bonus beef that we record with all of our guests, but also you can get the bonus episodes that we do. What? Happy Splat Share Pop round. Yeah, what fuck is right Tom?

What fuck is this? Wow. Whole extra epa-weeg. My whole extra epa extra extra extra extra extra month or is that, is it was more, more sometimes? Sometimes more sometimes. No, always, always, always, always, always more. Four extra extra episodes, half September, April, June and November.

The old saying. Very true. It's not getting to February, it's a fucking minefield. There's going to Patreon.com, forward slash, please flash, yeah. Okay. What about better advert, actually, I'd say? I think we've nailed it.

I'm reading for that one. And do go and see Cyan Tor as well. He's absolutely fantastic comedian, sidedeves.com for tickets. Tonight's upside, what's produced by Emma Corsham? Corsham, Jotis. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm a coursehome! Corshome Joties! She is everyone! Bye!

Bye! It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.