Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Tom Rosenthal S14E12

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Tom Rosenthal WARNING - unchildren friendly Christmas truth containedTom's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/rosengramsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Greetings, listener dear. I am Matthew. I'm Ben. Tom is on assignment but he'll be back next week and this is a very exciting episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Oh baby indeed and we've got a fantastic guest this week we've got the brilliant Tom Rosenthal. Tom, I mean you know him and you love him from Friday

night dinner, from plebs, you may have even seen his fantastic stand up. He's a brilliant, brilliant stand up comedian. And he's currently on BBC two on a show called A Pilgrimage, which is him and a bunch of other famous faces going on a pilgrimage, which is I'm very interested to watch it. Charlie said she'd watched a she'd watched a few clips of him and Paddy McGuinness, his wife, having a very interesting conversation about autism. So there you go. What's not to like?

What's not to like about it? But yeah, so that should be very good. But what I know for a fact is very good is this episode of Beef Brothers. If you would like to get in touch by the way, beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Get in touch, leave us a message and you could be appearing on a future episode of Beef Brothers. All you need is a problem you have with your friends, with your neighbours, with your landlord, with your... You know what? We even slightly broke our rule today, didn't we? We talk about pets. That's true we do yeah. Technically it's not a beef with the pet. Yeah that's it. But you know beefs including pets fine. Just when they're exclusively my housemate is my pet. We'd rather not. We'd rather you

didn't if that's okay. With the best will in the world we'd rather you didn't if that's alright. We just feel like we've covered that, that's all. And also, crucially now, we are accepting free-range beefs. We are accepting free-range beefs, yeah. Office beefs, which have been really fun to dip into, and that kind of malarque. Send them over, guys. And there is also a WhatsApp, you can leave us a voice note on the WhatsApp or just send us a text on the WhatsApp or call this number, the hotline and the number

is... 02 08 123 3 272 There it is, get in touch today or... It's so hot that line. It's so hot that line or of course Beef, Beef Brothers Podcast at gmail.com. But let's crack on with the episode. And this is Tom Rosenthal, the brilliant Tom Rosenthal with the Beef Brothers. Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call

it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef from the sorting out your beef. Hi, Tom. How are you doing? Very well, thank you. How are you? I'm very, very well, thanks very much Hi Tom, how are you doing? Very well thank you. How are you? I'm very, very well thanks very much. We were talking about this just before we started but Clarky is on borrowed time today because he's off to do the tremendous gift of giving blood back to the local people.

Those damn vampires. Yeah. I'm just giving it to the streets. Clarky, what blood type are you? Thank you for asking. Yeah. I'm just giving it to the streets. Clarky what blood type are you? Oh, thank you for asking. I am AB positive. Is that unique?

Is that an important one? Apparently it's the rarest in the UK. Yeah, there you go. That's what I say. The people who give blood, they need to be one of those types. Otherwise they just try hard. This is exactly what I was just saying to Crosby. I'm glad.

If you'd said that you were just the one that everyone else is getting, like, you know what, no one cares, you're a virtue signaling blood guy, everyone's got blood, right, but you need to do it. And I thank you for that, because I know for a fact that my type is very boring. It's mundane. Oh, I see. And is this your excuse for not doing it then?

Yeah, of course it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why, otherwise I'd be doing it every week. It's very important to me. That and the life you live as well. The kind of stuff you're putting into your system. It's, you know, there's so little blood inside. There's so little blood inside of Tom Rosenthal now. So many other things.

Yeah. It's basically just mud, not blood. Yeah, exactly. Mainly YouTube now, actually. I think my bloodstream is just hours and hours of YouTube and golf. Thick, oozy YouTube with a couple of golf tees floating around in it. Yeah. No, what's it?

If anything, no matter what you've got going on in your system, if you get a dose of rosy blood you're going to be in worse trouble than you started. They actually pay me in biscuits not to donate. But good luck. Thank you for doing that for our nation, Clark. You're very welcome, everyone. It's a privilege to be here replacing the other Tom. That's right. A Tom swap. Tom sub.

We've swapped out Tom for Tom. Joy, let's be honest. Tom swap, Tom sub. We've swapped out Tom for Tom. Absolute joy, let's be honest. Listen, we don't make a hierarchy of our favourite Toms, but if we were to, you'd be above Parry. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Tom's actually off receiving my blood at the moment.

He's siphoning it off, isn't he? He's there with a hose around the back of Clarkie. He can't talk right now. So, Tom Rosenthal, what are you like as a person to live with? If someone has to live with you, do you live with anyone? Yes, I live with my girlfriend and I'm bad. I'm bad to live with. This is the first girl that I've lived with and she complains about my immature behaviour constantly, to be honest.

I'm sorry to her. Do you do anything to rectify it? Well, I try. She's like, pick up the towels, pick up the towels, pick up the washing, pick up the washing. It's a constant battle. I was sort of over mothered until my maturation point and I've never really realized what a horrendous person I am to be close to. This is it. But it's nice to have someone who I kiss intermittently

reminding me of that every day and I'm doing my best. I really am doing my best. I mean, that's the main thing. The fact that you've identified a problem, I think makes you better than a lot of people. And I do struggle with these sort of vague questions. So I asked ChatGPT to give me a sort of succinct answer to it. And then I asked it to make it funnier.

So this is what ChatGPT said about living with me. Living with me is like being in a sitcom. There's always something happening. I'll admit, I'm not the tidiest person and my kitchen might resemble a science experiment during one of my cleanse phases. But hey, at least you'll get to witness my attempts at mastering the latest bizarre exercise craze firsthand. And who knows, maybe we'll discover the next big thing while we're at it.

I don't know what any of that means, but that is what chat GBT. I basically put in my interpretation of dealing with, but that is what chat GPT, I basically put in my interpretation of being with me and that's what it spat out. So do you have anything sort of like bordering on a cleanse phase? Have you done it? Have you done a cleanse? Have you done a juice cleanse? Have you done any of that kind of thing? You're speaking to me like 40 hours into a fast, which is kind of, I think what chat GPT was alluding towards. Yeah, I basically have supplements like everywhere. I'm trying to prolong my life. And that means that I will buy anything on the internet,

anything that says that, that does that. So yeah, and that's very irritating to eat with. Like one week I'll just not be eating a certain food because I've seen on the internet that it has something in it that no one else has heard of and like even foods that are sort of generally accepted as good like kale or I'll read something like kale has got something in it that's killing me and I think that is just kind of annoying to live with with someone who's trying to sort of share meals with you. So you're 40 hours you're in a 40 hour fast at the moment do you not think that you are, yes, you may be extending your life,

but you're also bringing your quality of life way, way down. Because eating food is one of the great things. Of course, of course. And that's one of the great trade-offs, isn't it, really? Like, I'd love to eat a biscuit. I'd love to go into an eight blood and then get a biscuit as a reward right now. But I've read something on the internet that it heals you.

And even though right now it does feel like it's killing me, I am going to stick it out. I'm going to go for it. Religious people fast. It's a thing for thousands of years. Surely they're onto something. And I'm going to find out. I'm going to find out. I may be faint during this podcast. How long? You say you're 40 hours into it. Yeah. How long is that? How long is the fast and what are you? What are you able to consume? Because you're not you're not going

nil by mouth. It's just water. Water with a bit of salt in it essentially. And I'm black coffee. Yeah. The aim is three days because I've heard that's when all

the good stuff doesn't sound very fast to me. All right guys. Yeah. ChatGBT gave me that one actually. Yeah, it's funny. ChatGBT is like my best friend. I just sit and don't eat and then talk to ChatGBT.

Super interesting. Genuinely, way better than like the normal small talk that humans give you. Yeah, well thanks for coming on the pod. I normally don't mind doing the pod over Zoom, but I feel like this, this is the first time I think I wish I was in the room with you because it feels like this is less a podcast, more of an intervention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like-

Every conversation with me feels like an intervention. There's no way you can- Thanks, I really appreciate your care and concern. I want to see you kneeling on your chest and, and, uh, force, for, I'll be force feeding you a banana or something just to kind of get your, I mean, your energy levels feel fine. That's the thing. They feel fine to you.

They feel fine. He is five minutes away from an absolute crash. Yeah, let's get this done. Let's go on. Let's do these. Yeah, let's get this done. Let's go on. Let's do these gripes. Let's wrap it up. And does your girlfriend partake in the fasting?

Is she getting involved in this or is she cooking like a full roast dinner in plain sight? Yeah, she's much smarter than me, she says. I mean, I think fasting is generally sort of slightly less good for women than it is for men. And she's just like, I don't want to do that that seems terrible you know very much the opinion that a lot of other people have so yeah she's happily eating food and I'm just watching her and try to put my towel on the floor to be honest yeah

it's a it's a very happy life is there is there a possibility that the towels on the floor because you're too weak to pick up a towel? That might be the real reason. I hadn't thought of that excuse, but that's what I'm going to be dropping tonight. Metaphorically, without knowing it, you were throwing in the towel. Yeah. On life, in a way. Maybe that's what I'm doing. I'm just steadily starving myself to death. It's the longest suicide ever. I don't know. We're just trying to be healthy. I'm very open-minded.

So this is what happens. Open-minded, empty bellied. Are you, what are you doing with this spare time? What are you actually kind of filling your spare time with? Cause you've got all these, you've got these 40 hours, you're trying to figure out what intervention is going. No, it is, I've just been trying to write jokes. Like basically when you're not eating, you sort of don't get distracted by other stuff

so bad. So I do believe it enhances your focus and your ability to work. But my capacity to do that is so low that I think it's just boosted me to the level that everyone else kind of naturally has. I've sort of sat down and I've typed into a Word document for two hours and I think that I'm sort of Mark Zuckerberg or something. I do recommend it, but I wouldn't start with a three-dayer because they're intense and I wouldn't recommend doing podcasts in the middle of one either, but it is really nice to see you guys and it's nice to have

a conversation with a human. It's great to see you as well. I feel like we're going to see the document that Tom's been typing in and it's nice to have a conversation with a human. Well, it's great to see you as well. I feel like we're going to see the document that Tom's been typing in and it's just going to say, all work and no food makes Tom a dog boy. It's just a list of different chocolate bars. Beer from the sodding at your booze! I think actually your one might even be slightly food related, but we'll get to that one in a sec.

Good, good, perfect. We're get to that one in a second. Good. Perfect. We're going to start with one from Amy. And Amy says, my husband won't let me watch any episodes of a show that has Christmas in it unless it's December. Even if it has crucial plot points, if we're in the middle of a TV series, we have to skip the winter, brackets Christmas, episodes until December.

Yeah. My partner does exactly the same thing. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I understand the other way. When Christmas rolls around, I will go, oh, let's watch a bunch of the American Office Christmas specials or Parks and Rec Christmas special. I'll do that. But surely you can acknowledge the existence of Christmas outside of the, during the rest of the year.

Yeah I think it just makes her feel a bit like sad. Like oh it's not Christmas. Rosie are you a Christmas person? No, no not particularly. I used to sort of actually really hate it, to be honest, just because my parents telling me Santa Claus was real, and then me finding out that was not true. It sort of broke my trust with my parents. Never to be fixed. Like fundamentally, I was like, you lied about, why did you lie about that? And I think that Christmas itself does propagate a sort of lie that encourages parents to lie to their children. And then their children, you know, it's clearly traumatized me forever. But then I sort of have softened on that somewhat

in that Christmas is kind of nice. And you're gonna say you found out the santa is actually real. Yeah, there are theories. But yeah, no, so I don't really like sad. I mean, is this a kind of sort of like agony aunt scenario where we're supposed to sort of recommend what this person should do? Recommend a little bit of advice. Exactly. Yeah. Can the advice just be leave this person? Like that seems horrible. You've gone further for the agony than the answer. It seems to be a real abuse of power that he's controlling what you can and can't

watch due to some arbitrary childhood trauma that he has. And yeah, no, I understand the trauma. But like, I don't really think anyone should be dictating what you should and should be watching for such arbitrary reasons. That seems to be a bad relationship that you're in, in my opinion. Well, here's the thing though. Let's try and accentuate the positive because somebody has to in this instance. Amy, now one of the frustrating things about watching a TV show,

watching a box set with your partner is if you've got yourself a free evening or a bit of spare time, you think, I could watch an episode of that. But of course you can't because the unspoken bond, or possibly even the spoken bond is that you have to watch it together. However, you've got an opportunity there to go ahead on the box set, to go solo on the Christmas episodes. Do you not think that's what should happen? You know, you go, well look, you, I tell you what, you watch, we'll watch this episode after you've gone to bed, well, look, you, I tell you what, you watch, we'll watch this episode after you've gone to bed. I'll stay up late. I'll pour myself a nice glass of eggnog and I'll watch a Christmas episode of whatever it is, Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

whatever you're watching. That's the plan. Surely you can have your own little mini Christmas on your own and then, you know, forget your husband. I wouldn't say leave your husband, but I say forget him for that short Christmas holiday. And then he just has to accept that you have spoilers that he doesn't have essentially, because that's often the point of contention in relationships, I think, when like someone has seen stuff that the other one hasn't seen. It's the main thing, yeah. So I mean, and he's trying to protect the relationship from from that, like an imbalance in the sort of knowledge of the plot, so to speak. But also, I mean, what if like stuff happens after the

Christmas episode that is crucial plot? Do shows have Christmas episodes which are ever actually like dramas like important with plot twists or stuff? Or is it always a sitcom or something where there's very little consequence? Yeah, I wonder this. Was there a Christmas episode of The Wire? It's Chestnuts Roasting on Open Wire. That's the name of the episode. Oh, that's lovely. Very lovely.

Very lovely. Very lovely, that. The very lovely comedy. How many shows has this happened on? I guess would be my question. That's what we need. How can it be a recurring thing? Yeah. The plot point, I think even in the Christmas episode of a sitcom, the biggest plot point will be someone kisses someone, right? That's going to be what it is. That's going to be it. And I think if they're still kissing them in the next episode, the January episode,

then you just go, well, I assume they kissed them in the last episode. I don't know how much of it, you're right. How many spoilers, how many plot points are they getting? And if the answer is not that many. Yeah, they normally feel like a one off, don't they? This question sort of makes sense if it's about Christmas films, but Christmas TV shows, it's a real puzzler, actually. It's tough. Amy's put here, any episode of any show that has Christmas in it,

it's not like she's suggesting let's watch Jingle All the Way in the middle of summer. Yeah. You know, she's not, we hope, one of these people that you read about in the local papers who keep their decorations up year round, you know, want to celebrate Christmas, you know, that sort of kind of borderline mentally ill kind of thing. It's not that. It's not that it's just that literally but then what if there's a what if you're watching an episode and there's a flashback or you know, you can imagine a drama where they're like, oh, hey, imagine would you remember what happened last Christmas? It flashes back to that. What does

he want to mean? He becomes physically violent clearly. He absolutely loses his rag and it becomes a very unsafe relationship to be in. I don't know, how are we supposed to recommend stuff to this person? I don't know what the solution is. It's hard to get your head around the problem. But what are the solutions? Like stop watching TV, start reading books? I don't know.

It can't be that, surely. Please, please, God, tell me it's not that. I wonder if it is just simply, look, if there's a Christmas episode, you go it alone. But you know, don't be a Scrooge about it. If he says, hey, why is this happening? You can say, look, I'll tell you, but let me just let, I'm just going to let you know that it happened while someone was wearing a Santa hat. So if you, you know, just take that as, yeah, I'm happy to give you the, I'm happy to explain

what's going on in the plot, but just know that, you know, this is, this is, this has come from the festive season. I think that's, I think that's the way you, that's the way you do it. Absolutely. I think, I think that's beef solved, to be honest with you. You know what? I feel good about that. I feel very good about that. All the, all the very best, all the very best. And, uh, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. But not to your partner. You're yours.

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Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca Tom, this is a food related beef. Of course it is. Would you like to read it out? Of course I would. Hello, pappies and illustrious guest. Thank you very much, Dominic. It's very kind of you to refer to me as that.

I've recently purchased a new house and I'm living there with my rescue dog, Amber. I got her from Dogs Trust. Please support them. They do dog's work. So a little joke from Dominic, which we all appreciate. Amber is a big girl with a seemingly endless stomach and equally endless love and affection

for anyone, everyone she meets. As anyone slash everyone, sorry, just to clarify. I met my new neighbors and they seem very nice. We take parcels for each other, et other etc and they are 99% lovely people my beef with them is their propensity to feed amber cheese through the cat flap as a rescue she does have issues with her behavior mainly jumping up at people to say hello and losing focus whenever tasty food is involved. Which I'm doing right now. This is your dream scenario right now isn't it? It's a bit of a nightmare actually. Being a big girl, she can be a bit of a bull in the

china shop and will break the cat flap every time they do this. She was also found as a stray and so is on quite a tight diet to get her up to a good weight with appropriate nutrition involved. Now, I know the first course of action would be to replace slash block the cat flap, but as it is a new house I'm yet to buy a wardrobe or washing machine so it's very far down the list of priorities. Please can you help on how to address this cheesy situation? I know they are only trying to be nice but they don't have to pick up the results of that amount of cheese. I know they are only trying to be nice, but they don't have to pick up the results of that amount of cheese. Also they're both vegan so they only buy cheese for Amber, so not like they are using excess

waste cheese that they may have on hand. Front names only, Dominic. That's bonkers. They're vegan but they're breaking their veganism to feed a dog cheese that they don't need to. Can I just go back to a small detail here? What is everyone picturing here? Whose cat flap is it? It's Dominic's cat flap, right? Are they reaching in through the cat flap with cheese in their hands? What's going on? You know how long and freaky those vegan homes can be.

What's going on? What are you, Tom, what in your mind when you're reading this, what are you picturing the scenario? Amber the dog is inside the house. Dominic is inside the house. The neighbours are presumably outside of the house because they're the neighbours. They're feeding the dog through the cat flap. Are they kneeling down and opening up the cat flap and saying, you know, here good doggy, have a little bit of gouda? I'll be honest, it took all of the energy in my body to just read the email. So I'm struggling to visualize anything beyond just sitting upright. I would say that dogs shouldn't eat large amounts of cheese.

I also have a rescue dog who by the way, perfect weight. Like she's a skinny dog of anything. Well, she's on a fast, isn't she? Yeah, of course. it's 40 hour fast. That's what I say to my girlfriend when I forget to feed the dog. Yeah, no, she's fasting, it's healthy, it's spiritual. But yeah, I think I'm actually seeing this cheese

as kind of an aggressive act, really, because I mean, my girlfriend would just not be happy with us feeding the dog cheese. She's very, very tight on what the dog can and can't eat. No, of course. Yeah, I think for vegans to do that, there seems to be a sort of a sinister hint to this. Then again, there was a sinister hint to the last one for me as well. Maybe not eating for 40 hours is putting my mind in a sinister place. So I'm just going to pass this back to you guys because I

don't really know what's happening here. So this is two for two where you're like well I don't really understand the situation don't really have an answer for it. Yeah but it's bad it's really bad what's happening. I'm a late sub I'm a late sub, I'm a late sub. Okay, get Parry back. I'm sorry. So you're right, Tom. I think there is, it feels like you're saying you're not looking after this dog properly. Yeah. Also, I think, hey, I mean, just reading Dominic's email back, I think there's a bit of sinister stuff back because he knows they're vegans and he says my beef with them. So it's like a two way thing.

Absolutely. He's calling it a beef and he's talking about cheese and it feels like what's going on here? What's going on with these vegans? They're creating beef through cheese. Dairy and cattle farming are two of the big reasons to get into veganism, isn't it? Because they're two of the worst, you know, the worst polluters. So yeah, it's a very good point. I don't understand. So hang on, they're putting cheese through the cat flap and they're breaking it every single time they do this.

Are the vegans not aware they're doing that? But it's it's it's this is damaging the property. Like so what are they doing? They're putting they're putting cheese outside the cat flap. No it's through the cat flap. They're feeding Amber cheese through the cat flap which is clearly like a large amount of cheese and it's somehow breaking the cat flap. But then I do wonder if they're putting it just outside the cat flap. So then Amber's like bursting through the cat flap.

Just a bang to get the cheese. I think the phrase feeding someone through the cat flap suggests you're getting through the cat. There's definitely a hand popping through that cat flap. I wouldn't have the confidence to look through a cat flap of a stranger's house or a neighbour's house, even someone I knew. Let's call it what it is, a bloody fat rescue dog. You know, it's just going to chop your fingers off, isn't it? This is it.

This is it. We've got, you know, a big girl is Amber. That's Dominic's words. A big girl. A bit of a bull in a china shop. I don't know. I can't, you're right, I can't get my head round why these vegans would go and buy a product that they themselves

ethically have objections with and feed it to their neighbors. And it's not even like, if they were getting like premium dog food, right? If they were like, look, Dominic, it looks like you haven't, perhaps I've saw the stuff you're buying is not as good. A bit passive aggressive, but at least it's got the dog's best interests at heart.

I don't, cheese, do dogs, are dogs supposed to eat cheese? They're not, are they? It's going to give them some proper. No, not large amounts. This is blowing my mind a little bit, to be honest. I don't understand this. Because the email says the cheese breaks the cat flap every single time. But Dominic then says... The cheese? I'm not worried about the cheese. It's just a massive block of edam.

The dog's breaking the cat flap. But like, Dominic then starts talking about how he can't replace the cat flap because he hasn't got a wardrobe or a washing machine. Like, is he is he really like looking after this rescue dog to the extent that it needs to be looked after? Like, if the dog was happy, I don't think he would be jumping at the cat flap to eat the random vegan cheese. Oh, I don't know.

Well, I don't know about that. I think in my experience, which admittedly is almost zero, dogs don't eat anything if you wave it around at them, right? That is true. I just sort of, the more I look at it, the less I understand this situation. That the vegans haven't mentioned

that they are specially acquiring cheese for this dog that is in someone else's house. I don't know. What, again, what's the solution to this? Like it just put a sign up says no vegans. Like, will that get him away? Because you can't do that because he says they're 99% lovely people. So he's really trying to maintain some sort of

relationship. But what they're doing is utterly bizarre. I think you need to address it or you need to get there first. So if I were Dominic, I would move my workstation to right by the front door. I would do all my work from there. I move my workstation to right by the front door. I would do all my work from there. I would move my bed to right by the front door. And as soon as I hear a little clickety click at the cat flap and the little hand comes through with a slice of

dairy on it, I would snap on it myself. Now I like cheese. I'd be very happy to be fed cheese like a prisoner all day. That would be a dream scenario for me. And then that way you're getting in front of the dog. And then every time the dog, I have some dog snacks there, I have some little dog chews and just give those to the dogs, some nutritional, you know, appropriate weight dog chews. See, where I thought you were going to go with that was that you should go around to their house and post cheese through their letterbox. That's what I was going to suggest.

Fight cheese for cheese. Fight cheese for cheese. You know what I mean? And also because they're vegans, they'll be extra guilty. They'll be like, oh, a cow was force impregnated for that prank. You know? Well, yeah, because that's the thing is that people, you know, like people could set like wrap a threatening note round of a house brick and throw it through someone's window if they wanted to really make a message. Those big old blocks of like cathedral sitting, they're basically the same size as a house brick.

And so yeah. Exactly, yeah. You wrap a post-it note around saying, stop feeding my fucking dog and thwaka straight through that window. Yes, it's aggressive, but it gets the point out there. It's aggressive, but it's still extra mature. So don't worry about it. You could put a little slice of Derry Lee in their post box, you know, like a bullet like the old Mafia used to do.

Like I said, I'd be ready. Yeah, said, Dairy Lee with their name written on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah. No, that's actually good. Yeah. We should do sort of horrible Matthews style threats that a vegan would be very upset by. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like a bloody steak in their bed. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, I say, I mean, no one wants a horse's head in their bed, but a vegan would really not like that. Yeah. Oh my goodness. They'd absolutely, they'd absolutely hate it. Yeah. It's, it's an, it's an odd one, but I feel like in this instance, it has to be fight cheese with cheese. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, is it kind of not just sort of talk

to them and just say say can you stop that? No, talking is bullshit, we always say talking is bullshit. For a second there Tom, I genuinely thought you said can you not just torture them? You've gone even further down the sort of like reservoir dogs mafia type. It's sinister, what can I say? Torture them, yeah, I thought that was a good idea. True agony arts, exactly yeah. Yeah, I thought that was a good idea. True agony arts.

Exactly. Yeah. Every question is agony. Beef solved. Beef solved. This is a free range beef, Tom. That means that this can be a beef that's not necessarily to do with your housemate. This can be out and about.

This is from Ben. Hello, Ben. Great name, hello. Dear Pappies, and wow, is this your guest? What a great booking, well done. Appreciate it. Very nice. Thank you.

I would like your advice about a fairly broad work-based beef. Where I work, there are a couple of parking spaces for people with disabilities. Whoa! Full disclosure my wife has mobility issues and a blue badge. I spend more of my days that I would ideally like politely asking perfectly able-bodied people to move their cars. Most people move without complaint and don't make the same mistake again. The spaces are not well painted to be fair. But one or two of our regulars park there repeatedly and get pissy with me as if it's

my fault they are functional 12 year olds who can't stick to simple instructions if it mildly inconveniences them. I appeal to your wisdom. Can you suggest a solution for me? Thanks, Ben. Well, you know what? Sometimes with this, I feel like the answer is staring you right in the face. Yeah, yeah. Torture, torture. You've got to torture him. Yeah, yeah. It's just cheese in the exhaust pipe. Feels like waterboarding to me, but like, I don't know. Electric shock would work as well.

The water you get around a mozzarella though, it has to be that kind of water. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, electric shock would work as well. The water you get around a mozzarella though, it has to be that kind of water. That big bag of water that mozzarella comes in, just chuck the mozzarella away, stick the head in that, shake it around a bit. The car battery wired up to their mozzarella balls. They won't do it again, they will not do it again. I feel like the answer's here. The spaces are not well painted. You've gotta get out there.

Paint the space. Passive aggressively paint the spaces the brightest blue. I think you're not, it's not. But they know, don't they? If it's the same people, they know. But you are giving them an out. You're giving them an excuse. Yeah.

If they can go, oh, I didn't realize. I think I'm doing that 100 percent. Oh, I didn't. I just didn't see it. Yeah. The markings are a bit faint. You didn't see the bright blue painting that I've just done. I know. Fair play.

Fair play. Yeah, that's good. Exactly. Exactly. And the great thing about painting is art therapy. So you'll be feeling more relaxed about it as you're doing it. As you're there slapping the paint on. It's honestly

Yeah, the the the fumes I get high on the fumes, you know You feel so relaxed Pop a hosepipe into their window just so they get a good whiff of the fumes as well Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, or you can, put it down their throat, torture. So any way, whatever, you know. The answer is paint. The answer is paint. Taking the paint one further,

could you kind of like name and shame, but picture and shame them? Be like a picture of their face and then like the red circle with the line, like this is not for you. Oh, you know what you should do? Even better than that. What you want to do is get a some famous disabled people looking sad

and put them next to them. That's what you want to do. So you put a picture of them parking their car on a disabled spot. And then you get a little picture of Johnny Peacock, the Paralympian who did strictly just looking like, oh, like, you know, like, you know, you could you you could, you could definitely type that into a to one AI photo generator, Johnny Peacock crying. And then you've got, you know, that then at least

people say not just that these people are bad, but also the effect they're having on the disabled population. You could also adding the sort of the shame system, if you actually applied the paint to their wheels for instance, then they would drive around the local surrounds and everyone would know that they are a sort of disabled Bay parker. Yeah, yeah, that's very good. It would lead directly from the disabled, you'd know exactly who it was.

All the way home. All the way home. I really think that we have actually solved this person's problem quite successfully and I feel ashamed for how bad it did on the first two. Shall we circle back? I don't know whether I'd be able to say anything that wasn't torture but this has been definitely solved. We've definitely solved this guy's problem.

Absolutely right. And I'm proud. I'm proud of us. All you need is a big old tin of paint and you're sorted. And you know what? We're nipping through them today. It turns out. No, I know.

Parry was the one holding us back. Parry was the one holding us back. Beef solved. Beef from the sodding of your beef! Beef solved. So this is a beef from Georgia, who is a Patreon member. Thank you, Georgia. Who is a Patreon member? Thank you Georgia, massively appreciated.

Patreon.com forward slash Pappies flat share if you want to get your beef guaranteed to be read on the show. Dear Pappies, I live alone so I don't have any flatmate beefs but I do have a slight beef slash mystery with my old tenant. Let's call him Jake. I've lived here since October but last week there were two parcels delivered for him from a gin subscription company. When the first parcel arrived, I assumed it was something I'd ordered, so didn't check the recipient name until the postee had gone. When the second parcel arrived a few days later, I instantly checked the name and told

the postee, Jake doesn't live here anymore. The postee then essentially told me to enjoy the free gin. Is that what the postie is supposed to be doing? Surely. I know it's a big heavy box. They're not like, ah, you know, if it was a couple of letters, you just write, not know the address, they could chuck it back in the post box. But well, okay, that's what the postie said. It's very confusing since if it was a subscription, why did they not arrive for the first five

months I lived here? Why did two arrive in one week? A friend suggested Jake may have bought one as a gift slash treat, then the company sent the second one as Jake told him the first did not arrive and he wasn't aware they were being sent to his old address. However, I've actually peeked inside the boxes, well you've already broken the law, and the contents are very different so they didn't just resend the same box. One of them is their Christmas edition.

It is March. What's going on? Well, I think Amy would have something to say about that. Yeah, that's quite romantic. Yeah. Amy's husband would be Christmas June in March. He's going nowhere near that, Jim. Absolutely not.

We're not having that. The most difficult part is the fact I have Jake's phone number as he sold me some of his furniture when I moved in. He left his Wi-Fi router here and asked me to send it back to the provider, otherwise he'd get charged 50 quid. I did this as a kind gesture, but this makes me think that if I informed him I have two of his parcels, he'd ask me to send them to him in the post. He now lives two hours away so he can't exactly come and pick them up himself. And to make me even more confused, Jake did actually message me yesterday about something

entirely different, the router I sent back three months ago. No mention of any missing gin packages I may have. I guess my beef is that he's left me with this moral quandary. Do I get in touch with him or do I just drink the gin and eat the accompanying snacks? Should I be punished by lugging the boxes to the post office for someone else's mistake? Why did the boxes arrive in the first place if Jake is seemingly unaware? Please help. I'm not even a gin girly, but there is a packet of Terrell's truffle crisps I would devour.

Ooh. Georgia. Sorry to mention a gorgeous truffle crisps midway through your fasts, Tom. Absolutely fine. Absolutely fine. So, what has this ever happened to you before? It happened to me. So what, has this ever happened to you before? It happened to me.

Did it? Yeah, it happened to me and some wine arrived, a big box of wine. Oh, my wine box. Your wine box, exactly. Wrong name, my address, but not somebody who'd ever lived there in the house before. So, obviously you put it on the street WhatsApp

group, you go, is anyone, do I know this person? No one's heard of this person on the group. I call the company, I say, look, it's arrived. And they go, look, I'll tell you what, we'll try and we'll try and because it was a gift, we'll try and get to the person who's who he sent it. And then they can tell me that, you know, if they got if they got the address wrong or right or whatever. He said, but in the meantime, for being such a good person, if you'd like a couple of free bottles of wine, I said, oh yeah, that's great. They went, oh, just take them out the box. So I was like, oh, are you sure? Yeah, just take them out the box. And so I took them out the box and then a couple of days later, knock, knock, knock on the door, I believe you've got my wine.

the box and then a couple of days later knock knock knock on the door I believe you've got my wine No! Yeah and so the person who'd like they had contacted the company the person who sent the gift the person who sent the gift a contact the person the gift was intended for they knocked on the door and uh and I had to give them a have to him 12, 12 bottles of wine with two of them missing because they were in my belly. So yeah, I didn't know what to do. What did you say to them when you handed it over? It sounds mad as you hand it over to go, oh, the company said I could take some. It sounds like not just a liar, but a really bad liar. Oh, this, yeah, they said it was fine.

Yes, Matthew, it does. But yeah, that doesn't help our friend Georgia at this stage. So she's in the exact same situation that you're in, essentially? Yeah, I called the company and said, if this is a gift, can you check that the person who sent it is sent it to the because it could be that it could be that somebody is, you know, somebody at work has gone, oh, it's you know, Jake's got a birthday coming up or Jake's got a thing and we know Jake loves gin. Of course, of course, that's what it is. So, yeah, that never twigged in my brain. I was thinking he'd ordered it himself, but of course someone sent it to him. If you've opened it up and had a snoop around,

look for a little gift receipt and say, and then call back the company and say, look, can you contact whoever it was, contact whoever ordered it in the first place and get them to do it. It's quite a boring functional one, but I would say from previous experience, as much as tempting as those crisps look, don't take them.

And whatever you do, don't take two bottles out and drink them that night while you're watching the Christmas episode of The Office. Here's the thing though, right? Surely, didn't they say that they were honored, they were texting him about other things? A router, yes. Yeah. Just refused Yeah, just refused to just didn't mention it at that point. I feel like they know don't they? I mean, this is it. I think she's missed out a lot of the context of her relationship with this guy

previous. Like why has he moved out? Like if this person has annoyed you during his stay in your flat, surely you just drink the gin out of spite. If you're friends, it feels like there is no quandary here. You do just say that your gin is there. I don't think they're friends or, I don't think there was ever a time when Georgia and Jake were living in the flat. I think she moved in as he was moving out.

He was the previous tenant. I don't know him. They're basically perfect strangers. Yeah, they don't know each other. They've got no, you know, she doesn't have any kind of relationship with Jake. But does have a number.

Yeah, because you have the number of the people who lived there previously, just, you know, I mean, I've got the number of the people in my previous place I've lived just because, you know, for situations a bit like this, but I do get George's thing of, if I contact Jake, he'll go, ah, fantastic. You know, take two boxes of gin, pop them in the post repost them pay for the yeah all of that kind of stuff

Even just even just the time is the ball ache. Yeah, and you know what if you don't like gin either That's tricky. You could always I could give you an address for example, and you could just send Send the gin to an address. I I you. That's not a bad idea. Clarky, Clarky, dock yourself on the pod and give out the address to George. I'll go direct, I'll go direct, don't worry. Yeah, you email George. I think in this instance, George,

I think don't mention it to Jake. If he's never mentioned it to you, then you don't mention it to him. And just know that you're going to have fantastic gifts for all of your mates for the next year or so. You know, any time a birthday rolls around, you're going to be the person that shows up with some lovely some lovely Fever Tree Tonic and a gorgeous bottle of Rosemary Gin.

With Jake on it. Lots of love Jake. Don't worry about that. That's my nickname for you. We were calling him Jake. Oh, you know, there's Jake. Remember to Jake. That's the first part of the plan.

Very quickly, start calling all your friends Jake. Say, say, I've got new nicknames for you all. They're all Jake. You've seen those kids on TikTok calling each other Jake. Yeah, it's cool, isn't it? Yeah. I think you have to just keep your head down and just not mention it. I think this is like life is a series of checks and balances, right?

You know, if you find a fiver in the streets and there's no one around clearly who's dropped it, that's your fiver because you are going to drop in your lifetime more than a fiver in the street. It's checks and balances. You will at some point lose the equivalent of two boxes of free gin. Something like that's going to happen to you. So just take this is the universe giving you a gift. Well, it's it's it's Jake giving you a gift. Let's keep Jake calm. Today karma is spelt with a J. With a J. Beef solved? Beef solved. Well, thanks for having me, man. I appreciate it. Oh, it's been a pleasure.

It's been a total pleasure. It's been a total pleasure. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. You are welcome back anytime. When, so how much longer have you got off the faster go? Yeah, it's like the rest of today and then the rest of tomorrow and then I can have breakfast. So maybe just text me tomorrow just to see how it's going. I'll check in.

I'll check in and see if you're alive. Yeah, text me that. What are you going to have? Are you already... because the thing is, it's 20 past one and I've been thinking about my lunch since about, well, since I finished my cheese toasty breakfast at about 10 o'clock this morning. So are you planning your breakfast already? Do you know what you're going to have? You have to start with like broths. Oh my God, what the fuck? Corn. You can't have a big old stack of waffles, can you? what you're gonna have? You have to start with like broths and just like... Oh my god what the fuck! Of course! You can't have a big old stack

of waffles can you? Yeah you won't be. You can't have a big load of cheese through the letterbox you know that'll really send you around the china shop. You can't have letterbox cheese no way. What a shame. The last thing you want is for your girlfriend to come home and find you stuck through the letterbox. You know, half a little bit of Stilton dangling out your gob. Oh no. Be a really ignoble way to go. The sad thing is if I hadn't of eaten any cheese I would have fitted through this letterbox. Well Tom, very quickly, do you want to tell people where they can see you do comedy, anything you've got going on at the moment?

Perhaps. I don't know. Yeah, no. Not really. I don't know. I'm starting to do a bit of stand up here and there, but I guess if you live in Bath you might see me. Oh, they've just been, this pilgrimage show that I mean has just got an iPlayer to be

fair. Watch that. That's really good, I think. I'm very pilgrimage show that I mean has just gone on iPlayer to be fair. Watch that. That's really good. I think I'm very proud of that. That's right. You've been, because you've been off with my dear friend Spencer Matthews. Yes. Yes.

What a lovely fellow he is. Yes. Yes. We found God together. So tell us very quickly what, what pilgrimage is on. It's on BBC Two. Sort of seven so-called celebrities go on a pilgrimage, which is obviously a sort of religious walk.

We went through North Wales through a variety of religious sites, and it was entertaining and illuminating. It's just a really nice sort of relaxing watch of the Welsh countryside and churches and Spencer Matthews not really knowing that Jesus was a real guy. And it's really fun.

It's really fun. I'm really proud of it. It's really fun. I'm really proud of it. It's some amazing people as well. Cause you've got Spenny, you've got Eshan, you've got, is Michaela Strachan with us? Michaela Strachan was with us, yes. Pointing out the variety of flora and fauna and animals.

Yes. It was mad. Yeah. What a dream trip. It was a very odd thing to do, but I do recommend Pilgrimages if you ever get open to them. Ever curious about going on a pilgrimage. If you ever approached by BBC, so you do. Yeah, you go on that. Yeah.

Well, yeah, do you watch Pilgrimages? Do you go and see Tom Rosenthal if you ever get a chance to see him? Do you stand up? He's absolutely brilliant. And Tom, have a wonderful rest of your fast and we'll see you very soon. Thank you. Goodbye. Bye. Three, two, seven, two. What a lovely episode. What a lovely episode.

And I don't know about you, but I'm absolutely starving right now. I cannot wait to go eat another big cheese sandwich. I can't wait to drink a pint of blood. Yeah, Clarky, you've got to go now, haven't you? You've got to go. I've got to go. Do my bit. You've got to go and give your blood.

By the way, if anybody else is type A, was it type AB negative? What are you? Is that what it is? AB positive. AB positive. If anybody else is type AB positive and wants a little bit of blood, Clarky has got plenty of it. His body's absolutely, your body's lousy with the stuff, isn't it? Yeah, too much.

Yeah, it's constantly seeping out of like under his fingernails and his eyes and his nose and stuff. The doctors say that's absolutely fine. Yeah, we've got a constant stigmata going. If you fancy a little bit of old Stig of the Dump, then do get in touch. Beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com and Clarky will send you some blood in a jiffy bag. Also get on the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share because if you would like to, as I said midway through the episode, if you send us a beef and you're a member of the Patreon, then we will absolutely definitely 100% include it in an episode,

just like we included George's message about the gin. It's a good message. It's a good, it's a strong message. Have a wonderful week everybody, I hope you're enjoying April, and Parry's back next week, and we'll see you very soon. Love you. I wish you'd do the proper episodes, yeah. Love you too, by the way.

Thanks, Matt. This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers, everyone. Bye. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up.

Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.