Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Are you Mohammed Masood?) S12E37

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Am I speaking to Mohammed Masood? No? You're lying you f***ing pr*ck!If you’d like to donate to the Children’s Hospital Pyjamas appeal, the easiest way is to visit their Amazon wishlist page:https://tinyurl.com/kmh2dpsfMore details are available on their website and social mediawww.childrenshospitalpyjamas.co.ukhttps://www.facebook.com/Childrenshospitalpyjamas/https://www.instagram.com/childrenshospitalpyjamas/https://twitter.com/pyjamasmiles19#SpreadingLoveThroughComfort  Registered Charity No: 1185739Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listen to Dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and we're all here in the same room. It's very exciting. We're not in the same room for the actual episode, but just for this intro. We're all in the same room. A real thrill. We've just performed at the Cheerful Airport comedy festival, which was a real treat. Yes. And that episode will be going out very, very soon. In Ballam's glittering west end. Ballam's glittering west end. Gay way to the South Ballam.

But this episode you're about to hear is a house meeting. House meeting where we just, you know, we chew the shit, we chew the fat. I'm sorry. I have to do eating with those things, but I, we've got it a little while ago, but I don't remember how to chew the shit. You ate shit, but I ate a lot of shit.

I ate a lot of shit. So just to say that we are going to announce the dates and the tickets of our Christmas show on the Patreon in the next week. Hashtag Announce Santa. Is that what you're going for? Hashtag Announce Santa? Oh, no, no, yeah. Hashtag. So get excited folks. Get that Hashtag going. Get yourself to the Patreon.comhtag. So get excited folks. Get that hashtag going.

Get yourself to the Patreon, Patreon.com, forward slash paffy's, black share. Hashtag, and it's on, hashtag another. And what you'll be able to get, get early bird tickets for our Christmas show. We've got the venue. A Robin. A Robin.

Yeah, the early bird is the Robin. Yeah, and we have to get Robin ticket. Hashtag announced Robin. Yeah, because we're supposed to get Robin to get hashtag, hashtag announce Robin. Fistly territorial. Yeah. Yeah, you're not good, mate. Robbins, you know, when Clarky knows another more fact, he just has to say it. I'm going to tell you.

Regardless of whether he wants to hear it. And in this instance, he knows the Robbins are fiercely territorial. He is fiercely territorial. So there you go. Hashtag fiercely territorial. Well, if you'd like to be fiercely territorial over tickets to our Christmas show, then get yourself to break free of dog gongs. Of course, last year.

Fisely territorial, sorry. It wasn't a bit of a fiercely territorial... ...to bet at the end, I think, that we killed the dreamers. It was a bit of a stranger's pit. Oh god, I bet again, I a sick piece of tutorial out there. Well, can I, anyway? We're not going to be thirsty, territorial about this episode. It's glad to hear.

We're going to let anyone who wants to enjoy it enjoy it and it starts with a little bit of fishing chat. Enjoy! I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? This has a house meeting!

What's the point? Does life have a meeting? House meeting! So, another exciting episode in the, uh, Crosby gets fished, Sarger. Okay. Another, yeah. And another, uh, another, it, it, tails from the river bank today. Fish more times than the email.

It's true. It's true, I have, man. And this one was, this one actually, it wasn't a good one. They didn't, they weren't pros, I'd say. Right. But they still got you, right? Oh well, I'll tell you what happened, I'll tell you what happened. So the first thing was received a text message, which is pretty standard from the bank I'm with, saying there's been someone you'd like to be on your account,

did you make this purchase yes or no, right? So no link to click or anything like that, none of the sort of things that they warn you against. Did you make this purchase of £199.99 at Argos today at six minutes past two? Just why or end, that's what you've got to say. So I send an end and then I look back over the message and I go, it's not exactly phrased exactly perfectly, you know. I think, yeah, they didn't exactly nail the wording. It wasn't a copy and paste job from a genuine one,

so I thought, nah, all right, probably wasn't that. Anyway, later on, I get a phone call from an 0800 number and the guy says, he says, hello, am I speaking to Muhammad Masood? And I said no. Now at this stage, I think this is where they the the fishers slightly showed their hand right Because the guy then goes you're what he did he went you're lying. You're fucking prick and hung up, right?

So I thought okay, right. Well, there we go. That's my that's the fishing over with So I thought, okay, right, well, there we go, that's the fishing over with. But then they called back. They called back and they said, hello, and this time they gave a name that was not my name, but his name attached to my life. And I was like, oh, when I said, they said it was being a person. I was being a Tom Perry. It was being this person. And I said, no, and they just went, and hung up again, and that was it. I haven't heard from my call the fraud people, but I thought the bit between,

then the guy, because it was never just one person, is it? It'll be a gang of people, it'll be a gang of people together. Yeah. And the bit when he goes, you lie and you fucking brick and hangs up and looks to the other guys and

shrugs and goes I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say if they say the difference. It's not the name That's your fifth one today Exactly we've got to listen as soon as you make a bit of money off this fishing scam You're going straight to anger management classes because something has to happen. You need to chill out He's just trying to guess your name there. Well, it was, I mean... What's their plan? They got their list mixed up or something.

Yeah, I guess so. I guess they must sort of see names that that number could be attached to. And one of them happens to be Mohammed Masood. Should the follow up rather than your lying if I could prick? Should it have been been am I close? Yeah. Let's word all this. I can tell you now you've got the first two letters right.

Word all me through. Yeah. Gosh. I mean the true nature of it is. It's quite a boring life being a scammer. I imagine it is. It's quite a boring life being a scum. It's a great job, but it's like you're working with a call centre, but you have the slight spice of it being illegal, I imagine to pep you up in the way that most call centres, they don't give you that buzz. No, unless it's the boiler in. Well that's it, Yeah, there's still I mean, there is that element organized crime

But I don't think it quite you know, I think if you're joining crime for the buzz don't go into scam Well, yeah, it depends on the size of the scam, doesn't it? But I think the bigger the scam the buzz. No What's I think the bigger the scam, the bigger the buzz. No. What? I think the bigger the scam, the lesser the buzz, the more professional it is. I remember my family was a con person for a while. And they said that it was like having,

by the end, it was like having a really boring job. Really? Yeah. Why was that? So like they just, the thrill of it was, it was just a lot of, yeah, a lot of crunching numbers. Add them in and process. Yes.

Lots of like, you mammas were sued. A you mammas sued. Is this your work? It's just a work everyone until you can do you find mammas sued. Yeah. And then until you can until you find my man, am I missing? Yeah. And then when you do, you shall finally, and he hangs up.

Yeah. Finally, you're fucking prick. LAUGHTER It was quite a shock, actually, to get a phone call. I was just strolling off to the supermarket when I answered the phone and didn't know what it was. And I didn't have, I actually answered it, but I didn't realize I was answering it.

I was trying to play a podcast and I clicked my headphones to turn the podcast on, but it, so I hadn't even heard it ring. So I only realized from the connect. Do you think you were listening to the podcast? Are you Muhammad Masood? So it is a really good podcast. It is, I'm being seen.

It's on BBC Sounds right now. If you haven't checked it out, you're really shit. I see. It's like a who do you think you are, but it's a lot shorter episodes. And they just get on famous celebrities and they're nasty. I think they've really cut off their nose there

by having the explicit setting on the podcast rating. There's no need for them to end everyone by saying you're lying, you fucking prick. Yeah, but I know. Like the Chris O'Down episode, Chris O'Down's on there and it's like, are you Muhammad Masood? No, you're lying, you fucking prick. And that was a really good episode, you know?

That was a good one, yeah. It was good. Everyone is going to say yes. You never know with O'Down, do you? There's always that moment of Japanese in that podcast. That's why I love very short episodes, very easy to digest on a short bit of exercise I like to use it for. I use it's time, I use it's time, my exercise,

I use it on a long bit of exercise, yeah. Just, you know, use it's time, my exercise, right, then. But it was, it was still quite sort of like, it was quite sort of weirdly shocking to have someone like call up, call me a fucking brick, turn the phone and hang up. It used to like, I made, if you ever want that thrill again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We'll put that in the show notes, yeah, we'll put that in the show notes guys. So please do, do cool. Don't watch that for anything, just do cool.

Don't Face Times or don't give away your, you just call me up and say, I'll hit my memory suit. Well, we could make it spicy. We could give out your number apart from the last three digits. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. The list of the deer has the excitement of calling a number saying, are you having a suit? They've got two options,

three options, sorry. Either they get through to you and you know what's going on and it's amazing for them. But wait, wait, wait, how does it? How does they know they've got through to me though because unless they really reckon, like, unless they know what's going on. They've always threw it. Oh, that's true. So well, just to hear me say no. Yeah, I'm only going to say one, I'm only going to say one syllable, right? Of course, that's the game, isn't it? Yeah, so could you say it in a knowing way though? Because you'll be delighted, I think. It's knowing you're right.

I mean, I could do it like a... Can you be like a knowing no? No. Yeah, that's the one. Okay, so we do a lot no. So yeah, so are they going to get that? And they're going to say, you're lying say you lie in your fucking prick and hang up and be like oh my god We just did the full interaction that was great. Yeah, oh

Get through to someone who isn't my rib a suit and they'll have The similar experience, but not as joyful. Yeah, I don't think by the way if you do end up with a stranger They don't give you the knowing no, just be good about it. You know, we know our listeners are good people. Don't say, you're lying, you fucking prick. Just say, I'm very sorry. I've got the wrong number. Yeah, in that case, or say, sorry,

I'm doing this thing, it's from this podcast. You should listen to it, it's really good. You're fucking prick. I'm definitely not. That's it. We do need to get the word out, actually, yeah. Yeah, well, that's it. It's another way to get the word out. Or finally, well that's it, it's another way to get the word out.

Or finally, you're going to get through to Mohammed Masood in that case, Jackpot, you win the game. Oh, that's how you win. That's how you really win. But so like, there's, there's, and like, the most chance of it, you're going to get a bronze medal, right? Most people, it's going to be a bronze medal. Silver is getting through to cross B.

The gold is getting through. The gold standard. I think it's got to be plating them because the, his number's most likely not gonna start with the first eight digits of yours, is it? You don't know that. And also, we're imagining there's any one Mohammed Masood out there.

You're telling me that's not more than one, there's more than one Matthew Crosby out there. What? I was about to throw it. I was about to throw it out to the listeners. Are you Mohammed Masood out there. You tell me that's more than one matter there's more than one Matthew Crosby out there. What? I was about to throw it. I was about to throw it out to the listeners. Are you Muhammad Masood? Have we are Muhammad Masood? And if so, do you want to come on the part and play are you Muhammad Masood live? I think I'd want to hear it. I definitely want to hear that. Yeah, in fact, we'll go one step further. If you're a handshake away from a Muhammad Masood, if you know Muhammad Masood, you work with a Mohammed Masood, we'd love to get one the pod. Can you set all, can you send in a voice note of him saying, I am

Mohammed Masood? Yeah. And could, well, can it be a video of him always get this driver's licenses? Because I don't want to, I don't want any time wasted, all right? I don't want people just, I don't want people to have the front face back and have the floor please. You know what? This is what I'll say as well is, if this was eight years ago, yeah, and we were doing this episode right now, yeah, I'd want us to close out the episode. We'd call loads of our famous comedian mates and say,

I'm a hammamassoon and they'd say no and you'd be able to try and recognize the comedians from the nose. So we'd put a little mini version of the I'm a hammamassoon podcast. But because it's eight years later, I don't think we've got the energy anymore. But I want you guys to know the ideas are still there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want you to know that the ideas are still there. That the mind is willing, but the body is weak. Yeah. I think I think the mind's not even that willing. You know, we'll come up with your ideas, but the idea of thinking anywhere beyond how we can implement them. Forget it. But just imagine if, imagine we'll do that and imagine at the end of the episode,

you're like, oh, who's that saying no? You know, it was Sarah Pasco, there you go. Yeah. Was that Tim Key saying no? Yes, because you always says no to the episode. Okay. But you know, I just feel like that would be, that would be, I end credits. Well, you know, that are you Muhammad Masood's podcast game?

Tom, famously, you're very good at impressions. Yeah, okay, okay. I have a feeling that maybe, you know, we'd have to do it. We can do it live to wrap up the app when we do eventually wrap up this app. We'll do it live where you give us a few notes and we, and Clark and I have to see if we can work out who you're trying to be. Don't mind it.

It's not a bad idea, is it? And I feel like that's one that we can implement because it doesn't involve us going anywhere, sending any WhatsApp messages, any of that kind of Capo we could do that that's good. Okay, so we've locked in we've locked in our ending. That's That's in the bank now. We know it's just you know, it's just it's just an ambling journey to get there What I was gonna say though is did it ever happen to you? It doesn't really happen anymore as far as I can tell but did ever happen to you when you were younger the happen anymore as far as I can tell, but did ever happen to you when you were younger, the prank call, when you were a kid,

to the family landline. Did it ever happen to you? Because I had, I remember having that, at least once, where someone would, and it would be one of my friends. It would be one of my friends. Because I don't think that I did. You never had a thing, I remember this.

And this actually, now I say it, it's gonna make it seem a lot sadder than the story actually is. Okay. But I remember, Oh, don't. Get either. So my... Just warm up those nose, Tom.

Yeah. Yeah. Was it right, Tom? It's a further thing. So, I remember So my mum said, oh Matthew, phone for you. And so, presumably they'd said, is Matthew there, right? I go to the phone and say, hello, and they go, you're a fucking prick and then hang up, right?

And then I had the phone and I said, who was that? And I was like, oh, he just won't mate. Anyway, I'm off to my room now. It was quite scary when it happened, but then I immediately thought, well, it's just going to be someone from school. It's going to be someone I know from school. It's actually going to be all that bad. But does everyone sign up with a fucking prick for you?

Ah, wait, maybe I'm a fucking prick, maybe that could be part of it. Did you mom come into the front room, say? It's my habit of seeing here. Because someone's in the front room for them. I'm about to have a meseew here because someone's in the phone for them. Have you, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, For reasons that are obvious. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're bad at any point, Ulta. I think, you know, so what you like about Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde,

but there was no cultural appropriation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't even pretend to be a doctor. He didn't even, he wasn't even a bogus doctor. He just, he was like, no, I'm going to be a Mr. Hyde. Another bloke. Another bloke. Another bloke. That wasn't that his whole vibe was that he was, wasn't like that, when push comes to shove,

wasn't that slightly just social commentary where it was like, I'm going to drop down a couple of classes. Yeah, yeah, be a roughian, I think that's what he was doing. But also, I don't think the book is supposed to be on... It's not social commentary. Yeah, on all roughians, murderers. You won't find the dot I do the ruffian. I think that's implied actually.

I made, isn't it more that like he's like, I've got to find some outlet for my ruffian side. Whereas now I think you would find a doctor who's a ruffian. I think it's totally essential to be a doctor. You're really enjoying same word rough. It's he's slightly worse than a roughie and isn't he isn't he a murderer? So you're fighting for a such a good lawyer. Yeah, just listen, he's not a client. Okay, admittedly, he is a bit of a ruffian, but you know, he's a scoundrel.

He's a near-do-well. I would say, yeah, I think he's absolutely, he's like, hired as a near-do-well and Dr. Jekyll is an occasionally-do-well, an off-do-well. And I think what he really wanted to do, what Dr. Jekyll already wanted was to be an occasionally do well, an off to do well. And I think what he really wanted to do, what Dr. Jack already wanted was to be an occasionally not do well, right? As opposed to a never do well. So that's what he was like,

is a little outlet for it. I can't quite get to the bottom of it. And I really quite recently, I think, of whether he did it on purpose, but then wouldn't he have just drank gin or like, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I don't, I think he was experimenting with the self, not out of a desire to get a bit of ruffian in it. Right. I thought it was a part of his, I thought of it was a part of his personality that he was unlocking. Whether wittingly or unwittingly,

that was what he was doing. He's taken a mixture and this side of him that's never allowed to be released because of sort of Victorian societal mores. That bursts out of him. Is that not the case? The case of Dr. Jacob. Is that not the case? The case of Dr. Jacob. Is that not the strange case?

It's like a team wolf. I think you'll find team wolf was the doctor. The more you talk about it, the more I realize I know very little about, it's as a story of me. I tell you what, the more we talk about the more, I realize the same thing. Ha ha ha ha.

None of us know anything about it. It's a quick read. I'll say that much. It's not long. We got the end. That's it. My endays him. We can sack it in the other shops.

I say it's almost as long as the butt. Tell me you got that fat two on. In English literature. Not to joke with the hide. It's not a lot of. It's not a long work. It's quite short. You can read it really quickly.

I whipped through it. It is as long as you think it's going to be. The, it's quite short. You can read it really quickly. I whipped through it. It isn't as long as you think it's gonna be. The page kit is quite low. And to conclude, very well done. And for the post, it's slightly worse than that in my time. I'm believeably, that was one that you hadn't pulled in on the nighter on.

That was an essay that you're actually, you spent a bit of time, you went, and you know what, the day I get the essay title, I'm gonna go to the library and get all the right books out. I'm gonna spend a little bit of time picking some notes. Oh God, the worst. We tried very hard to get a sketch of Jekyll and Hyde away, didn't we? And uh... Did.

It didn't... Never worked. It didn't work very well, no the Jekyll and Hyde sketch. You never, never quite came across. Because we didn't know the story, no the Jacqueline Hides sketch. It never quite came across. Because we didn't know the story of Doc. I tell you the main problem was, we didn't keep it brief. It was a long sketch.

It was a long, long, fucking book. But what was the premise of the sketch that we did? Was it the idea was that it was you though, wasn't it? It was you who had become like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Perry. And you, were you working two jobs? Was that it? I can't remember. I really honestly can't remember. I wish I could.

But yeah. But yeah. Not a memorable body of work. But so you never got any of the prank calls. Were your prank caller as a kid? Did you make prank calls? Did you do that sort of thing? I mean, we were obviously, it felt like a golden era of prank calling because of the Simpsons.

Yeah. Of course. Like, the Simpsons really reignited the whole thing of prank call. And also, on the radio, it was, um... Steve Pank. It was a, yeah, it was a big slice of entertainment. It was a good, it's gone now, really, it feels like. I think there's just been too many dodgy things that have happened when people have pranked

people. So imagine if you've just unwittingly featured in, uh, kind of like, cave and no wax nu-shut wasn't it like that? It wasn't a scam at all. Like, I've been on the re-bitter phone jacket. We're going to work out that Mohammed Masood is like, it's just like a brand new kind of genre of for him. I don't know if you can call me Muhammad Masood as genre. I don't know if that's, I didn't just quite broad enough to be described as genre. We don't know what he's doing with it yet though. We know what he's doing with it. If it was came I know back. Currently I think another five minutes at the writers table, I think before you,

because the punchline was certainly shocking to me. It was unexpected to me, but I don't know how much an audience on a late night channel fore show will go with that. But maybe it's very top level at the moment. Maybe it's like a black boss up there and by the time it's worked up To series it'll be like the new borax could be yeah

It could just be the sheer volume of repetition of you know because think about it a black what are they like eight nine minutes long But I was probably on the phone for four seconds You know if you imagine if he feels four seconds, you know, if you imagine if he fills an entire nine minutes with as many calls as he could, you know, as many calls as we're taking, it would take that long, you know. If you're talking about saying, dude, 12, 13, 14 a minute, you know,

I think that would be, I think it would be something, wouldn't it? It would be something. I can't say it's a genre I particularly enjoy. You know what, I'm already cooking up cross-bay. Oh, yeah You're a radio presenter these days with your own radio show correct. Thank you. I think sit the next few weeks you might have a Record requests sent into the station by a certain mr. A certain Mr. Mahamid, Mr. Mood.

So what are you going to do? You're going to text into Radio X. And say, please play a record. I'm not a pro-soup. Well, the thing about that, Tom, is there is... The text don't just go straight to air. We do then read the calls. And the ones that tell us that we're fucking pricks. We don't tend to read out Places by the cars achieve you fucking pricks

We get a lot of notes The worst thing is now someone's gonna do it. It's just gonna be annoying when it happens. Oh, someone's gonna do it. It'll be me. it'll be me. That's what I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I stand by what I said, it would just be annoying when it happens. I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it. Let's stop so the usual for better your feet. I see it.

The prank call was kind of, I think, the course of the public situations of our telephones. Like, I don't think I was ever, the kitchen in our house was such a thoroughfare where the phone was that there was never really the ability to properly do a prank call. It was the sleepover or we had a phone in our school. We had a couple of payphones in our school.

Wow. We would use those. So there's one in the gym, in the sports sort of block. And we would use that, and we would call free phone numbers. Basically we'd call call centers. That's what we'd do. And say weird stuff to them down the phone. Or pretend they were on the radio.

That was the other thing we used to do. We used to ask them really, really dopey questions and pretend they were getting the answers right, whether they got the answers right or not. I can't remember. I mean, I imagine it probably ended with us just going, ha ha, you're going to end or something at the end. But yeah, that's what we used to do, me and my friends. So I guess the chickens are really coming home to roast.

So do you think since you were doing that to, yeah. Do you think that they're, it's just return fire? This is karma. This is slow, slow karma. Yeah, this is like sort of 25 year old, 30 year old karma we're talking about here. That's finally one of those people who was working, they've kept tabs on me.

They've worked out, they've worked out who it was. They were working for church and insurance back in the day. They've worked it out, they've kept tabs on me ever since, and then they finally thought, I've got it. I've got the haps, I've got the, I've got the, I've got the haps, I've got the haps. I've got a fucking solution. I've got an absolute perler.

I'm gonna call him up and say, is that man having my suit? When he says no, I'm gonna say, you're lying, you're fucking brick. I have fun in. That's a long, pretty year car, mate. That's probably a year car, mate. The way to buy all the oil. Yeah.

There's some long carma there. Yeah. Carma should have a cut off point, I think, at like five years. Yeah, otherwise you get confused as to what the karma's for. I especially if you live a line as check it as we do. Yeah, exactly. You'd be like, oh, what's this?

What's this now? Do you believe in karma? No. Well, no, but I don't really hope you're gonna say yes there. You sure need to come, Alan? No, no. Yes. A bad answer, maybe.

I do. I do, so that is balanced. There you go. There you go. What do you think, can you pinpoint moments in your life where you think, oh, that was bad, and therefore, I often do it retrospectively, rather than I do something bad and go,

well, it's gonna get me and then something happens. Can you pinpoint moments in your life, Barry, where you've gone? I don't know if I'm maybe confusing karma with consequence. Oh, right. I just, that's, that's, yeah. confusing karma with consequence. Alright. I'm just... That's kind of what I was thinking. If you've been a rot or all your life, you'll probably come across at some point.

You know, because you reap what you sow a little bit. Is you reap what make is that karma? No, I think instant karma is karma if you're gonna do a John Lee a karma a John Lenin pull the cart in your reference. Yeah, but yeah, I need the karma police My favorite beatle song My favourite Beatles song. Right, so you've got... What things that you think might have happened that you go like, actually, that's connected to that. I don't really know, but I just have that go-quest. Yeah, like there's one where the nearest one that happened was directly related but that

isn't karma because I was in the supermarket and someone had got to the front of the queue and didn't have their card on them. Yeah. And they were buying, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like they were buying just a few essential things and they were like I've completely left my car at home Can I run and get I'm gonna go home and get my car and come back and I was like I'll just buy it for you It's it's it's like fine. It's like six queen. Oh, I don't want you to have to do that that so I bit this person's Shot like chop and can I ask you, were you working behind the till at this stage? And off they were.

And then I was fired from way to go. So I bit them through. And then when it sat back down, waiting for the person I was shopping to finish the shop. And then someone leaving said, about 10 minutes later, someone leaving said, I saw what you did back there, there's a chocolate bar and bought me a chocolate bar. They said have a chocolate bar. So it was like that was like, that's too literal for it to be cut. That's not like I walked out of the shop and there was a chocolate bar on the floor. Now the reason I was laughing, this is such a bad judgement call, I thought you were going to say they forgot their card and you were like, no, if I can prick.

And then when you got to the front, you were like, oh no, I forgot my card. I said, oh, I'd nicked their card and then I went home and cleared that, cleared that, there I go. But, but to your credit, you get his name? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your credit, when you did nick their card, you didn't paid for their shopping with their cards. That card, it was the only one. You know, switch a room. You know what comes back around. No, I do believe in karma. I feel like, I do, yeah, I do.

I feel like what you put in, you get out in the end one way or another. I know there are a lot of rotters that tend to end up all right in this life, but I do think on balance. That's right. Yeah, on balance. I think I do. It's one of the best belief systems I'd say. It's such a nice one. So simple. Yeah, but what about the negative aspects of it though? That's the, that's why, because I was thinking of recently,

so I recently had a job that then went away as we do in this business, that's sort of the nature of the biz. And it was a massive job and then it went away very quickly for totally legitimate reasons and nothing to do with me, not really my fault, but it was still a real pain in the ass that it happened. And while I was having my, you know, like, I guess you're allowed 48 hours to sort of spin out

about this kind of stuff before you have to pull up your socks and get on with your life. But while I was having that, I genuinely entertained the thought that we'd had a small infestation of fruit flies that I'd killed the fruit flies. I'd made a little trap to kill these fruit flies. And the glass of wine. Well, yeah, it was, yeah, it was like red wine vinegar with some cling film over the top of a little bunch of it.

I was punching it, right? And I say, I'm asked to set this trap for three days and probably killed some in the region of 30 or 40 fruit flies and they're basically gone now. So it worked. But while I was having my sort of freak out, my spin out, I was going, well, this will happen if you kill God's creatures.

And I, like, since I'm out of that phase now, I still have a little bit of my brain that goes, you know, could you not live and let live? I do I feel like I feel awful if I like step on a snail if I'm walking home Like it's been raining and I step on a snail. I just feel so Mortify that it's happened and this wasn't even that because that's an accident. You can go well. I was it was accidental. It was dark This was knowingly killing something, right? Premeditated. Premeditated.

Does that, did you think that's it? Was it, was it going to be writing for Attenborough? On his new show The Life of Flies. I thought he'd want some samples. I stack them in a book, I put them in a envelope, sent him to the bathroom. Sonny, the job's gone. Next thing you know. I found myself killing them, you know, sort of, and now we see them drowning in the red wine vinegar.

It's not a great impression, I'm not going to lie. Can I, if you did that as a no, can I do it? Can I do it as a no? I'd be stumped for that. No, I'm a David Astenborough, here we go. No, it's not good, is it? It's not good. It's not good.

It's one of those impressions that I sort of assumed I would be able to do because everyone can kind of do it, but, oh mate, the amount of times I launch into, I launch into an impression, just, sir, sir, and I've got, you can hear the voice in your head, you're like, yeah, I can totally do that. Oh my God.

Let's find out how it would say, if someone rang up to find out if his name was actually ma-amid, missus. Okay, are we ready to do this? Is it, are we gonna play? I wanna hear clonkeys at him, bro. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. Okay.

No. It's not bad, actually. That's good, actually. Yeah, that's really good. That wasn't bad. You brought a lot to that, actually. Yeah. I made a lot of the word no.

I tell you what, one syllable impressions a good game for a replay. We should keep that in our back pocket. One syllable impression is really good. I mean, yeah, one syllable, that's good. Can we hear yours and then we'll get onto, we'll get onto hearing some impressions from you, some proper impressions from you, saying the word no. Can we hear your David Attenborough saying the word no? No. Oh my God. It's like his last words.

Yeah, it was good. Do you have a buff the queen? No! My only request. It's been buffed. Right. Okay, so that was good, Perry. Clarky Perry, you've got some chops.

Right, here we go. So, Pary, have you worked out who you're gonna do? No. Okay, even better. Ha ha ha ha. Even better, here we go. Okay. Okay, bring, bring, bring, bring.

Are you Muhammad Muhammad Masood? Get to fuck! That's good one actually. That was... Okay, it's slightly bigger than the brief, but I enjoy that. It's quite specific. Get to fuck. Get to fuck.

Was it? Right, I've got an idea. I think I think it was Sean Bean. No. Oh, that's a shame. I was thinking Johnny Vega. Oh, no. Oh, dear, we haven't got it.

Go on. Go on, Pary, help us out here, mate. It was Robert Carl Isle as beg be in the film train spotting. Oh Okay Can we hear it again, please? Are we gonna guess a second time? No, yeah, Emma and it all this bit out and Clark and I gonna nail it just for Paris confidence

Emma edit all this bit out and Clark and I are gonna nail it just for Paris confidence Yeah, can we hear it again now that we know what is so we can we can tune our ear to go on then go on then okay bring bring bring Hello is that Muhammad Masood Get the fuck Yeah, now I yeah now I hear it. It It certainly hear the Scottish the second time round. Certainly do. Clarke, you call up and ask him, it's Mohammed Masood. Do you have to, they're Mohammed Masood, but hotline.

Yeah, okay. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. Hello, are you Mohammed Masood? No! Oh dear! It's not, it's not Muhammad Masood. So, firstly, can I say one thing before you even get onto Paris impression?

Clarke, you've got, you've put your phone voice on. Didn't you? You really did! You went, hello. Hello, is that having my sword? I am now, I'm finding this really stressful. Yeah. It's a really good job man.

It's a tough. Can I ask another question for you? Is this character a real person or a fictional person? It's a fictional person. Okay, that's what's through us last time I think. But it's a, it's a, I don't know why I've gone down that route. Yeah.

That's why I'm quite stressed out by it. Okay, just relax. Let us do some guessing now. While we're guessing, we're not gonna get it. While we're guessing, you have a nice thing about what are you gonna do from the realm of living people that are famous. I think you've stunned a chance with this one actually. Okay, so it's a fictional character.

Can we ask a few questions? No! Oh, it's okay. No. No. That helps a little bit, actually. I'd remember it slightly different. I think it's a, it sounds like an old posh lady.

It does, yeah. So my first thought was obviously the idea to party queen. I thought he's not going to, he's not going to the queen, is he? We're talking about a fictional posh old lady. It's Helen Miran in the queen. No, he isn't. posh old lady it's Helen Miran in the Queen no he's a thai khaki gone give it a go because I'm all at sea here with this one

is it Dr. Jekyll? what do you think is it's bad. I'll actually see this one. Yeah? Is it Judy Deirdre Fizzamina? No, I was Irish in that. Well, it was one word, you know. I mean, that was the last, the next one I was going to do. Was it Nanny McPhee?

No, it was Hi I was going to do. Was it Nanny McPhee? It's gonna put me there. No, it was Hiya Sith Bukay. Oh! Oh! Oh! The sitcom Keeping Up Appearances. Really good. It's nice. I love a bit of route edge.

Yeah. Kick him myself actually. Okay, after that one Tom. So it's, it's, it's Nill Nill. Who else? Who else? Yeah, go on, go on. Yeah.

Got one in my head. Yeah, go on. Pop it out the mouth. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Got one, you do it, Harry. Hello, is that the hand-made mousseau, please? No! Oh, I think I know this. Yeah, I think I know it as well.

Should we say it together? Yes. One, two, three. Mickey Mouse. Yes! Oh, yes, loved it. Loved it. Okay. I'm going to try one, okay?

Here we go. I'm going to try one. Right. Okay. It's innocent. I like it. I like it as a game, man. Honestly.

This could be the entire podcast next time Don't worry this is it won't but it could be Okay, here we can look for new formats always looking for new formats. Okay Ring ring ring ring Hello, can I speak to mr. Muhammad Maseud please? No Oh, and is that because the happy machine isn't there? Or... Don't try and trick me in the same more words, that was it.

No! Um... The idea. Is it a bane? It's not bane, no. It's not bane. No, no, no. Take my wife.

Wow. It's some kind of a... Oh, no, I'm not. How much money do I have? I'm not going to pay you. It's not bayon. No, no, take my wife. My whole, it's some kind of a, oh, no, I'm not, my hammered my suit. Oh. That's why I'm going with that.

You're going down that route. Sammy Davis, Jr. It's not, it's not Sammy, no. Okay, it's not old Mr. Vogue House. All right. It's not old Mr. Bojo. All right. It's not Mr. Bojo. Well, who is? I can tell you now, it was of course, John Lithgaal.

Yes, it was. It was. John Lithgaal. John Lithgaal. In third rock from the sun though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. That's what's in third rock from the sun.

Of course, yeah. I didn't want to do an actual person Of course, my John Lingo's character either Tom Dick or Harry. I don't know which ones were which in that but uh, oh my god I never realized that that was the joke with their names. Yeah Good good show man. It was a great show really enjoyed it really enjoyed it. I was good Can we save the debrief till we finish Nothing not listen don't listen don't be so intimidated by other forms of comedy that we're not afraid to give a shout out to a drop from the sun. This goes on hot on our heels.

that we're not afraid to give a shout out to third rock from the sun. This goes on hot on our heels. Check him out guys, it's a good show. As indeed was this, well, you want to do one, as the maestro, do you want to do one final one to close us off here? Yeah, I do actually, I do. Thank you, of course you do. That would have been great. Okay, here we go, here we go.

Bring, bring, bring, bring. Hello, can I speak to Muhammad Masood, please? No. Oh. There was a little kind of like, yeah, there was some, there was some, there was some, there was some, there was some real acting coming through there.

Hesitation, yeah. And it was like, it was quite sort of, it was like a kind of a bird popping its head out of a hole and going back in. It was like that kind of. Kinda quite well spoken. Well spoken, definitely, yeah. Another panicky, yeah.

So, upbeat, high energy, upbeat. Oh, no. Yes. This is all, this is a music to my ears. Yeah, I think I've nailed that. Yeah, it was Right I guess is please I Am gonna oh gosh This is not right because I feel like they're not portion English, in fact they're Scottish. But was it Andy Murray?

Sadly not. No, two upbeat to be Andy Murray, two upbeat. He's also a real person, isn't he? Oh, sorry. Oh no. I didn't realise that the... Oh my guess is, oh no realize I didn't realize you were doing fictional again okay oh in which case then okay can I go can I can I guess

fictional yeah patting to bear oh it was not patting to bear okay all right not any more you're not sure it's patting to bear okay I'm not that though Clarky go on give us who you thought it was, go on. Give us who you thought it was real person and give us who you thought it was. I thought it was a real person. I thought it was Tony Blair. Oh, that's good actually. It was Richard Breyer's from the Good Life. Oh!

Can we hear it again please? No. That's really, really good. That's quite good actually, all your descriptions. Oh my god. Did I want? Yeah. Yeah.

Not bad at all. Oh well. It's a good life. It's been a good life. It's been a good life. We're off to die now folks. Emma, do us a favor and drop in the good life theme just to give it a bit of energy. Well, there you go.

What an episode. Another classic, I think. Pop it on the classic shelf. It's exactly. Straight in, straight in the top three, I would say. Oh, wow. Oh, I'm going to have a bite. I'm doing the top three podcast we've put out this week.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Is that the one we've done on Patreon and well, that's it. It's one of two. Let's go with it's one of two. It's one of two podcasts. We've put out this week. It's sort of saying one to you many. Anyway, have a lovely time. We'll see you soon. Take care of yourselves. And say it with me now guys. Fizzly Territorial. At tonight's episode, we'll be seeing you by Emma Corsian.

Oh, Crometeem. Also Fizzly Territorial. Cheers, everyone. Bye!