Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Blattered Conkers) S14E35

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Insert emojicon of vinegar and conkers here and let's get signed up for the Olympics. And as always, happy Diwali everyone. Come and see Flatshare Slamdown liveTONIGHT! 24th September Flatshare Slamdown with Celya AB and Jin Hao Li - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-celya-ab-and-jin-hao-li-tickets-1006412716527Cheerful Earful - 20th October - https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-show-20th-oct-ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode. Oh indeed. Another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share house meeting. House meeting. It's always such a relief when you hear the original line up of back on it. Yes. Matthew, Tom and Ben. Great. Great. The OGs. The OGs. Rolling back the years. But if you feel like you need a little bit of extra, then why not, and you're listening to this on the day this comes out, why not come along tonight? Tonight!

Tonight to a Flat Shares Slamdown where you get the OGs, you get the three of us, you also of course get producers Gwyn and Emma, but you also get Celia AB and Jin Howe Lee. That's Tuesday 24th of September at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square in London 2024 will be there. So yeah, very excited to do that. By the time you hear this, we'll have done the previous night with Anja Magliano and Michael Odewale and I'm pretty sure it was a huge barnstorming success. I just hope we've kept something in the tank for tonight. We never do Tom. We never do Why is every other episode of Croaky voices Energy sounds so tired. Why did he sound so hungover? Yeah, it's wild, isn't it?

It's wild. But yeah, get yourself along and of course course, if you remember the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. Excuse me, I was just on a flash stand out. If you patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share, if you get yourself along to the Patreon, you can get discounted tickets with a promo code over there. So join the Patreon. I also want to join the Patreon because it's just it's a really, really fun way to hear extra episodes. It's a fun way to meet other listeners. It's great. We love you to be over there. We are totally we hugely back the content over at the Patreon. It's not just you know, an extra five minutes that we cut out of this episode. It's whole bonus episodes that are tremendous fun. A whole new world, if you will. Don't new world. Don't you dare close your eyes. Well, you can if you like, it's an audio medium.

Of course, yes, in fact, it might be better if you close your eyes. Yes, go over to Patreon and also check out all the other patrons. There's loads of other things you can support on there. What the hell? No, you know what? That's right. That's right. Get yourself over to the Disting Pod Patreon. They have a word, guys. They've got a Patreon over as well. I wouldn't be surprised if trusty hogs have got a patron. Get over to the trusty hogs guys.

Honestly, you could lose hours on that patron website finding things to chuck your money at. Absolutely. Anyway, let's get to what we're here for. Yes, let's get to what we're here for, which is Tom's, Tom delivering his own eulogy. Thomas many a great question. And today is no exception. Enjoy the house meeting, bing bong,

and we'll see you on the other side. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the fat. House meeting. What temperature should we set the heater? House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting meeting meeting meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? It's bonkers how fast it all goes.

There truly is. Oh, I like it. Get rid of it. Yeah, let's crack on. Let's keep moving, guys. Moving. I watched a football game with Burke every weekend. Yeah, let's crack on. Let's keep moving guys. Keep moving. I watched a football game with Berk every weekend that was like, football games used to feel so long when I was a kid.

It's all speeding up apart from these recordings actually, which weirdly are slowing down. It's nice. You know what? In such a sort of mad frantic life,'s nice to have a little just a period of allowing ourselves to be bored. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. It's important. Because that's it.

That's the thing that kids don't have these days is it the chance to be bored. Well they should listen to this podcast. This is why we're rebranding this now as a family podcast. Put it on with your kids. Quite a few of those school academies are making the bold step of phones away and listen to a recording of a flat slam house meeting before they start teaching. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. We consider this like a sort of morning assembly. That's what we're after. A little morning assembly for the kids to just enjoy the old fashioned pleasure of boredom.

Yeah. I'll tell you what. Do you remember watching Greece and Greece 2 when you were a kid? Oh, well, certainly I remember. I should say it's kind of, it's not, it's kind of a weird observation. How universally is this observation going to be? It's kind of a weird observational stand up bit to do. You remember, you remember don't you? We all remember. You all remember watching Grease 2 with your sister Beth, right? I don't know, why is this not landing in quite the same way? Yes, go on. The dream. Having your principle, first of all having a principle, but having a public address system. Oh sorry, I genuinely for there, I thought you were talking about your principles. Oh, no, no, no, no, never, never talk about those.

A dream for Tom Perry would be having any principles. A principle would just clutching it onto one single principle, one single moral, one single scruple. That's all he asks for, Lord. It's all I need. Anyway, go on. Having a public address system at your school where they do the morning announcements and then play a song. Anyway, go on. Having a public address system at your school where they do the morning announcements

and then play a song. Oh my God, that felt like the dream. Yeah. Well, they did it at some of the schools I taught in when I was going around schools. Yeah, yeah. So some British schools do have the PA system. And I remember one morning when I was sort of doing teacher training.

I'm imagining there was a bing bong, but I don't know if there was. Maybe that's just me. That's what you want. Maybe that's just the way you want it in the memory. Bing bong. Yes. And a voice comes on and goes, so just remember today is Diwali, Festival of Lights. So if we could all think about that today.

And that was it. That was the announcement. Like, what is this? I don't know if you need to be doing that, because I don't think that's, you know, if you are genuinely celebrating Diwali, it doesn't feel like a particularly the most appropriate way to celebrate it by someone on the pH going, oh, we'll just think about that. I'll think about that. And also, if you're somebody who doesn't celebrate Diwali,

how are you supposed to think about it? If you're sort of 14 and someone says, oh, by the way, could you think about Diwali today? You'd have to be like well, give me a few more pointers here. Yeah, give me an assembly is what you're crying out for Yeah, is exactly what you're crying out for. So anyway, that's what we're here to talk about today Is it just checking is it Diwali today? It's a good question. Is it Diwali today? Let's see Let's this is a new game Is it Devali today? Let's see. Let's New game is it Devali today? I'm gonna go with nearer to the end of the year Cuz it's festival light isn't it so you want a bit more darkness

So I'm gonna say start of December Start November November 1st. I was gonna say I feel like it's the early fireworks I tell you what Clarky this we can sort this out in the edit. No. No Tom. It is not the start of December Clarky Specific be more specific though. Oh, that's tricky. I'm gonna go with the first This is how the magic works. Hence the old expression, a pinch, a punch, deval is this month. That's the famous expression.

How is that, by the way, how's pinch punch first of the month? How is it still kicking around? Probably has gone. I was going to say A because it's extremely aggressive. And punch in month, it's a tenuous rhyme at best, isn't it? Yes. But what else would you go with? Not punching someone at the start of the month.

Pinch lunch. But, oh, I'll take it. But then lunch and month, lunch and punch rhyme, but month don't rhyme. You've just, you've just. I can't find something that rhymes with month is what I'm saying. So I think, I think that's worse. Pinch punch. You're writing. I can't find something that rhymes with month is what I'm saying. So I think I think that's worse. Pinch punch lunch. That's every single day for me.

I don't want to brag, but I'm on pretty much seven days a week. You still get your your lunch money bullied out of you. I am still being yeah, I've been dangled upside down and shook like a big piñata. So until I pay out. Sorry about that. I imagine now that the pinching and the punching is very much done as a text. I think that's the way it probably would be. Here we go.

From the very same man who says hasn't this year gone fast is I bet it's all done as a text now. Yeah, that's right. I bet instead. What do you mean's all done as a text now. That's right. I bet. What do you mean it's done as a text? I think you get an SMS. An SMS to you, right? OK. Or a couple of emoji cons that. Yeah, in fact, a pinch emoji con, you can imagine.

I can think you can get one of those and a punch. Can I just ask, Tom, what are you talking about with emoji cons? Because they're not emoji. There's emoticons which predated emojis but even emojis have been around for I'd say 15 years now. Is emoji a shortening of emoji con? No. That's one to check. It's emoticon. It's emoticon and emojis. What's an emoticon then? An emoticon is made out of text. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon into thinking that those texts are actual people. Yeah. They're like, I made this great friend. He's very expressive.

How did you trap this small face in your phone? And then it graduated to Emojicon and we shorted it to Emoja. Okay. I understand. Now you know the Eta-mo-le-gy-con. Oh, yeah. Yes. So yeah, I'm sure you get a little pinch.

You're saying it like it's just been delivered to you. Yeah, you wake in the morning, bring, oh, check your phone. Oh, he's got me. By the way, Tom checks his phone by holding it to his ear. That's not how you check. Oh, I better check my text. You have no text messages. Wow, how are you going to feel the pinch and the punch unless it's right close to your face, Matthew?

Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, it's not my face I'm holding up against. No way. So you're you're imagining that like Father Christmas or the tooth fairy, that you go to bed and you wake up in the morning and the elves have come in the night and sent you a text message. Because that's how pinch punch works. You don't wake up and go, oh, I've been pinched and come in the night and sent you a text message. No, because that's not how pinch punch works. You don't wake up and go, oh, I've been pinched and punched in the night. No, I know that. Yes, Tom, that's exactly what I'm saying. Because you said you wake up in the morning, you look at your phone,

and you've got a pinch punch text. Yes. But from who? Because from your mate. Because that's who you get pinch punches from. So for me, the pinch punch game is who can remember to pinch punch first? Right. Right, you get the pinch punch in and you go, oh yeah, you got me. Pinch punch first of the month and no returns.

And no returns, famously. So now that it's become digitized in this smartphone era, then the race is who sends the first pinch punch text akin to the you know like is this dead game that you know some people play so you kind of go like you know who's dead is this dead is an awful game you can't no don't worry it's just a hot sunny day and they're sprawled out on the road. Have you got a picture of my dad?

Is this dead? Is this dead? But you know, so it's who gets the text in first, basically, in the same way in the playground, who gets the pinch punch in first. And that way it's a lot safer, but you still have the frisson of gameplay. You could schedule it. Yeah, a lot like April Falls really you know you wake up and you think I'm gonna get the April Falls text out nice and early you've probably planned it before you've gone to bed do you think the earlier the send

you send it the more chance you've got of catching Clarkie off guard because he's just woken up always he set an alarm at half six. He set an alarm for one in the afternoon. He's got your way of avoiding April Fools, isn't it? As you just stick to your normal sleep schedule. You're the fool. I was asleep. That's your motto, isn't it? You're the fool.

I'm asleep would be a great T-shirt. It'd be a great T-shirt slogan for you. You're the fool. I'm the fool. It's on you. It'd be a great t-shirt slang of you. You're the fool. I'm the fool's on you. It's the second now. Great t-shirt range. That's a line from The Matrix, isn't it? I'm pretty sure. I'm taking neither of the pills. I never got up. Yeah, I'm not really a pills guy

Cut to a half of each His birthday beats in a similar place when it's Birthday Beats by Dre, isn't it? Tom, Tom! Wait a second! Pinch Punch isn't in that place! We've established that Pinch Punch hasn't come. We haven't established anything, mate! Famously digitised.

And now the question is, is that going the same way as Birthday Beats? Yeah, it's birthday cyberbullying now what it is. That's what they do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Much worse. It's birthday anonymous trolling of you and your family. That's just what happens. Birthday docking. Doxing, sorry.

Doxing? Doxing. Doxing's a different thing. Doxing, right, okay. I mean, well, if you're lucky enough, you get some birthday. Okay, on some, you've got to know at least some of the things. It's tricky, isn't it? Tricky to keep up. The older you get, the longer the years go quicker.

And gosh, don't the words mean different things these days? Well especially if we don't use the right ones yeah they do. Well is it so sorry we're saying it's not the first of the month is it? No it's not even the first of the month I don't know why we even got on to talking about pinch punch the first of the month Tom because this I think goes out on about the 24th so it couldn't have been we couldn't have waited one week Till the 1st of October for to put this episode out now instead we had to do we're so Jumping at the bit by the way this doesn't count as a first you can't go pinch punch first of the month on the 24th No way you can fast the times going these days

You have to start thinking about pinch punch now because it's 24 24th, blink and it'll be, it'll be time. Do you think it's one of those things that has kept up, you know, people are still doing it or do you think it's very much a sort of ended with our generation? Do you think people are still Pinch Punching first of the month? Did coronavirus stamp out Pinch Punch? Great, great article waiting to be written. Absolutely. Absolutely not the question I asked, but still. Have mobile phones killed off playground bullying? I don't think that article needs to be written. It needs to be researched on your part, I'd say, but not written.

Speaking of playground traditions. Yeah. We're into Conker season. Oh, yeah. Big time. Oh, yeah. It never goes away. The excitement of finding Conkers. And now that I've got children, it's. Yeah, I think that's the reason it's not gone away.

Tom, you're going to say it went away for me about 30 years ago. Yeah, if you're if you're a 40 ish person, they may not say there aren't gonna be people in their 40s who love Conkers, but I would say it's no longer universal. That thrill is being reignited by your kids. I just think you stop looking like I think if you're 27 and you find a good conquer, you're happy with that. I still think you are. I just don't think you were looking.

Yeah. I know what you mean. I reckon if I did see a good, you know, a good sixer lying on the ground. I'm not saying you get, I'm not saying you're baking it in the oven and playing, but I'm just saying when you find one, that feeling of the half open shell and then you pull it back and it's really shiny. I don't think that's what you're talking about. We still can't see what we're talking about Conkers can we?

I want to pinch and punch my ears after that if I want to see it. Do we need to put that little E on our podcast? This is supposed to be our first family episode, Tom. You're talking about pulling away the shell and getting your shiny out. Pull it back. I don't know about that. You don't know about that? I think it might be another one of your observations where it's like, this is something I think

and therefore the world must think it. It just, it feels like a game that children play that is a much better game for adults to play. And actually the game of Conkers is wasted on the young because it's rubbish when you're young. You have a really difficult aim and you don't really know what you're doing. It's hard. You need a lot of help to get your Conkers, you know, just to prep the

instrument. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'd say like, but, but actually adult Conkers would be gangbusters and I think much more talking about your adult Conkers for once. Please man. Tom Parry's adult conkers. We'll meet you in a car park at 2am. For Tom Parry's adult conkers.

What was your adult prep for the... Well just literally make it a whole... The skewering. Putting a string through it is a tricky thing for a child to do. I was just wondering if you had any other further techniques because the baking I think was a bit of a... The baking, the soaking them in vinegar, all of that kind of stuff. I don't think any of that worked.

None of that worked. I don't think any of it... I think I just made it. We did a lot of soaking in vinegar in our house and it fucking stank. It was so bad. Well, you know, you're just supposed to do the conkers, Tom. Back in the bath. We would not just soak them in vinegar. We'd also have taken down the local Chippy F and battered.

Yes. Yeah. Just two coatings, please. Chippy, two coatings on this. I really want to because then, of course, what happens is the first couple of knocks, a bit goes flying off and everyone cheers. You know, that's just better. That's just breadcrumb. You worry about that. No, no, no, that's just not Just bread crumb. Don't you worry about that? There's plenty to go and it's delicious by the way, it's absolutely delicious

Yeah, you know what it didn't take you know, like I thought that was gonna be the next toffee Apple I really did the battered conquer. I really thought Battered conquer on a string. Come on. You go to the fairground and you get yourself a candy floss and a battered conker on a string, yes, please. You can eat conkers, can't you? No. You have to shove them poisoners. Am I thinking of a different thing?

Right. Horse chestnuts look similar. Hair red, don't fall. The poisonous. They did have to take that. I've got to go and call my chief. Conkers roasting on an open fire. Hospital by six.

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's true. Okay. I know you pickled yours, but still, it's good to know. Pickled, baked them in the oven, popped in a few just as a pre-match, as a pre-match livener. Tom Perry's adult conkers. By the time I woke up it was the next month. Pinch punch. House meeting. How do they make bread with no wheat in?

House meeting. And I wouldn't be surprised if out there on the World Wide Web, there's a Conkers app now isn't there? You don't have to pick them anymore. You just know there's probably a world. There's probably a Conkers world champion isn't there? There's like a kind of another World Cup somewhere where they are. And like people actually there is one in, you know, it's in Denmark every October.

Next Olympics? I wouldn't. Honestly, Olympics is going a bit mad at times. in Denmark every October. Next Olympics? Honestly Olympics is going a bit mad at times and I don't want to have a pop at it but it is a bit crazy. Too late! I don't know if the Olympic committee would take that. I tell you what, the thing about you guys is you're going mad. Anyway, no offence, it's a great thing. But that's what's good about the Olympics is it is quite,

that's why so many people like it, is because it is quite mad, you know. It's like you wake up in the morning and you can watch like all these sports you'd never ever spend any time with, you know, and you get to enjoy them all the way through the day. Yeah, and finally you get blattered conkers. Blattered conkers. and you get to enjoy them all the way through the day. Yeah. And finally, you get blattered, Conkers blattered, Conkers, like set, Blatter. So the president of FIFA. Oh, I thought he was.

Even I know that. Oh, no. Didn't they make a movie of set, Blatter with Tim Roth playing in? Yeah. Set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was commissioned by FIFA. It was called, actually, a really sound bloke.

Subtitle Blattered Concuss. Subtitle Blatted Concuss. Blatted Concuss. Can we go back and do that in the edit please? Sorry, do you want me to start talking about FIFA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just change it to the World Cup. No, no, I tell you what, just start talking about how quickly the year's going, Tom. Just go right back to the source.

I think we can all do a better performance. I think we've all do a better performance. I think we've all got a better. Listen, this is the thing. You know, a lot of people talk about those those actors who are like one take. That's it. What people don't realize is every podcast is one take. That's a good point. I like that. Cut us some slack.

Yeah, that's that's what we're giving you right now is our only take. So what are you saying about about the Olympics being mad? I just, yeah, I mean, it's gone a bit, you know, that's all it goes a bit, it goes a bit too far sometimes, doesn't it? And you go like, come on now. You got to tell us, you can't be saying just using expressions like, come on, you've got to give us some concrete examples. You know what we're talking about.

I know. I'm not complaining about it, but it's just like when, when, when the X games have like, they've like absorbed the X games, haven't they? And it's a bit like, it's a bit like, you know, the Tory party and reform and it's like, they will kind of, Oh, kind of, what a slam! What a slam! Also, what a slam on the X Games because the X Games there has to be reform. What have you got?

I feel like that's the opposite. What have you got against our snowboarding pals? What have you got against the breakings? These kids in jeans, man, it's like, here they are, they're like 11, they're wearing jeans. Wait, wait, are you reforming this argument? A red-faced man in his 40s can blame you about kids wearing jeans wait wait wait wait are you reforming this argument a red-faced man in his 40s complaining about kids wearing jeans this is

unbelievable it's the Olympics man show a bit of respect I think being phenomenal at your sport is a level of respect sports sport pastime yeah come on get some skin tight lycra show some respect and some genitals if you're wearing your normal clothes is it a sport great question even the snooker play great that is a great article that needs to edit someone else a great question into that please? In fact, can we edit someone else saying bad question into it please? That is a bad question Tom. Because the answer is of course yes.

What about shooting? They were wearing their own clothes, some of them were. Wearing their own clothes for that. And they were doing great. Also, you know... I don't know about shooting actually. Isn't shooting one of the real old ones though? Shootings down the list, isn't it? Because shooting is the one that when you watch Olympics and you think, look, actually,

I'm going to give it eight years and get to the Olympics, shooting is the first one that everyone goes for. That's the one that you go, if I start shooting now, maybe I'm really good at it. I don't know. I see your logic in that, in that you feel like, you know, there are certain ones that are obviously you can never do. It feels like maybe you could turn your hand to it and you could be amazing, but most likely you're going to turn your hand to it and you're not going to be amazing. And it could be like, Oh, my eyes aren't good enough. My reflexes aren't good enough. Yeah. But those two things are, they're excellent

for me. Oh, right. When you were kind of doing you, you meant you. Oh yeah. All the times observations you know, not about anyone else. We all remember watching Greece too as kids. That's my skill is I tap into the universal. Right. I was wondering what it was. Tom's one of the few social comedians who starts every sentence with have I ever noticed. And then says yes I have actually. No I'm a lot like me. Have I ever noticed when you're watching Grease 2? Great observation. No I'm probably a lot like me and I think this. I've got two skills. One, universal comedic themes and two, shooting.

I haven't proven the second one yet, but it's not going to prove the first one. Here's what I'm saying, if I give you four years. Tom, I can't take you seriously because you're wearing your own clothes. This is my problem with you. How long until podcastings in the Olympics? Genuine question. Genuine question that is. 16 years? Never. Get in touch guys. Get in touch guys. Four, eight, yeah. Give it four Olympics and it'll all be bloody. Who's the fastest tweeter?

Oh no, Tom, oh my god. Tom what do you think this is? This is like torn straight out of 2007. Who's the fastest tweeter? Honestly, what are the top five My Spacers? Think about it guys. Here they are wearing their own clothes. This is the future. How quickly can you rearrange your top eight friends?

Well, I hate to be prophetic, but esports is the next X sports and I'm just saying it's merging that way. Okay. Oh yeah, no, that's huge ESPN show gaming like all the time. I mean, they're massive events that are, you know, they're, if you look at a lot of those I mean, they're massive events that, you know, if you look at a lot of those Olympic events, they're kind of quite sparsely attended. Those gaming events are absolutely huge. So yeah. All these bloody 11 year olds in their own clothes. I don't even think that's prophetic. I think that's happening.

I was going to say it's not prophetic at all. That it'll end up in the Olympics. It's a different type of athetic. But no, no, no, I'm saying it's like, it's not even like, you know, you might well as this is going to be big, it's big. It's already it's already there. No, it's not really big. It's going to be in the Olympics. Oh, there we go. Now he's put it out there. He said it. He's gone through. Prophetic. To three Olympics time.

Esports. Exports is a gateway. Tom, Tom. No, Tom, Tom. By the way, that's not fair because you can't pick an Olympics where we're all going to be dead. You can't pick that. That's just not fair. Listen, you've got my words.

OK. Nostradamus didn't go within his lifetime, did he? No, exactly. That's why all of his stuff is so vague and, you know, like, it's only people afterwards who went, oh, maybe, maybe he's my favourite stand up. I know what you're thinking. He's the opposite. He's the opposite of you. Nothing from within his lifetime. Whereas you're so specifically within your own lifetime. Did anybody else's house stink of vinegar during the month of October?

And all the other months. Well, you don't want your pencil case getting scratched, do you? So get in vinegar. OK, those new school shoes, we've got to keep them nice, okay? Here Tom comes squelching to school in the morning. A trail of vinegar off the back of his BMX. Steeped. Right, so...

Steeped. Yes, yes, right. In all seriousness... We should do this episode now, shouldn't we? In all seriousness, if I said to you, you've got to be at the Olympics, I don't want to go hard back to this, but if I was to say to you today, you've got to be on the Olympic team in four years time and try and represent yourself as best as possible. You're going for shooting.

What, what, what other event are you going to go for? What you think? If I do it for four years, then maybe I'll stand a chance of not disgracing my nation. I mean, honestly, none of them. That's the, I think that's the thing. But you have to choose one of them. It's shooting. This is a really good question. You have to pick one of them at shooting.

You have to pick shooting. It's over. I'm telling you, it's done. Great question. OK, so if your life depends on it and you have to pick shooting, right? That's it. That's it. That's a better way of phrasing. My life depends on I have to pick shooting to compete in the Olympics. Which one am I going to go for? I'm going to probably go.

I told you about that article I read about the people who play table tennis. Did I tell you about that? Like table tennis, they said it is anecdotally the sport where the most people come up to them and say they reckon they could do it. Oh, I do it. Oh, I love it. It was a really funny article. It was like, it was like a guy who's been into saying basically, please stop calling it ping pong and stop coming up to me and telling me you

reckon you can do it. I would, I find so mad because if you watch it, it's so unbelievably fast. Yeah. You see these insane rallies and you go like, have you never played, like, I guess people haven't played it ever. Where you go like, you know, you don't look like that when you play it. Everyone's played it, but not to that level. It's like if you see somebody else running, right? You know, you see somebody else who's like your age going for a run and you go, oh, no, that's what I look like.

When I'm running myself, I assume I'm just cutting through the streets. I'm carving through the roads. But then you see someone else, you go, oh no, no, I just look like that. I look like a, you know, like a pensioner dragging a trolley shuffling my feet along. I look like the trolley in that scenario.

Other joggers stopped me from jogging because it's like, oh, no, thank you. If that's what I'm going to look like, then you can forget it. Yeah. They're ruining it for me. Everyone who jogs down my road is basically dads from the school that my kids go to. So I just know, I know everybody. So you just, yeah, I just, it's.

Yeah. In my case as well, whenever I did do it, it's watching those people go, oh no, do I look like that? But also they're lapping me. Yes! They're going at twice the speed. I'm like, oh no, they look like they're barely moving. Then what am I doing? Am I going backwards right now? I was in the park. Do you know what's never like that?

Go on, sorry. No, no, no, go on. Go on, go on. No, it's never like that. Is it going backwards right now? I was in I was never like, yes, I'm going to no no no I'll go you know, it's never like that. It's gonna be Sorry carry on carry on I hope I don't look like that shooting Do you know what else is not like that by the way? Set blatter. Now we're talking. Now we're talking right? Thank you.

You've got to admit. Sorry go on. You were in the park. I've got a memory. I've got a memory. I was in the park yesterday having a run and it's a big loop. It's quite a small park. It's about a sort of...

What, like a roller coaster? It is, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So it's like a big hamster's wheel. Yeah, yeah. And honestly, believe you me, if you get lapped on one of those, you know I'm happy. You're going up and over if you're getting, if you're getting lapped on one of those.

No, it's a, it's a, it's going to be, it's a big circular path, right? That you, that you run around. It's about 600 meters. But when I got onto it, I realized I saw immediately there was another dad already doing it. So in order to combat that I went counterclockwise to his clockwise because I couldn't handle it. So in order to combat that, I went counterclockwise to his clockwise because I couldn't handle it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so then every now and then we're, we're sort of every now and then we're saying, all right to each other. We both would neither of us are working out at which point we're crossing each time and seeing who's doing who's, you know, if, if

anybody is sort of crossing further and further towards where the, where the other one started, but at least that way we've got, I would bet. Yeah. I would be as well. Are you sure he's not? Are you sure you're not? No, absolutely no. I'm deliberately not doing that because I compete only against myself. I can't be, I can't be trying to beat. Like micro machines.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm like a micro machine. That's what they call me. I'm a micro machine in my micro machines. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm like a micro machine. That's what they call me. I'm a micro machine in my micro shorts. With your micro penis. Oh yeah. Do you know what? The perfect penis to have Tom, if you're running. Nothing's slowing me down. Yeah. Honestly, if I had a big old schlong, it'd be like drag racing. It really is. It'd be nice. It's the only thing that's stopping

me from putting down the 200 meters. That's why I'm trapped in shooting. Whereas BDE is great for shooting. I use it like a tripod. Real stability it gives you. I just prop this some mobolex and oh the kickback's a bit strong! Because of what that goody's using! He pulled it back and it's all shiny! Ahh! Ahh! But anyway, happy Diwali everybody! Bing bong! Here we are! On the other side! I enjoyed that. Yes! That was good fun. Yeah, I enjoyed that.

Really, really good fun. It was a white knuckle ride. It really was. White knuckle, white hair, yellow teeth. Basically, it was it was a ride with three very old men. Yeah, so we hope you enjoyed that, folks. We hope you enjoyed the the pod. If you enjoy the main feed and you want to chuck us a bit of money, then the Patriot is a great way to do it because you not only help us keep doing this for you, putting these episodes out for free, but also it helps you not only help us keep doing this for you putting these episodes

out for free, but also it helps you yourselves get some bonus content and it really is fantastic bonus content. We should also talk about next month, we're going to be at the Cheerful Earful Comedy Festival. Yes. Yes, indeed. It's a podcast festival in London. So we're going to be performing as we have done in many previous years at the Bedford in Ballum on the 20th of October. It's a fantastic club.

And it's also, it's a fantastic festival. You've got to get yourselves along. Let me just find out what the address is. It's cheerfulearful.co.uk. Cheerfulearful.co.uk. They have got so many amazing, all of your faves are going to be there. They've got trusty hogs, the aforementioned trusty hogs. They've got The Way We Were, the brilliant, if you've not heard The Way We Were. It's a

fantastic podcast all about celebrity breakups. It's really, really good. It's Growny McGuire's podcast. It's very, very good. They've got My Mate Bought a Toaster, Family Jewels, Neurodivergent Moments, Egypt's of the World, the 90s football podcast that came out of the ashes of Crickney Kevin called Let's Be Having You, Lex Education. So many brilliant podcasts are going to be there over the course of a week, I think it is. So get yourself to cheerfulleaffall.co.uk. Most importantly, get yourself to pappyscomedy.com forward slash live to buy tickets to our show

at the Cheerful Airfall, which is at eight o'clock on the Sunday night, October the 20th. And also it's great warm up for Diwali the following week. So if you're looking for something to kind of get yourself in the zone for the festival of lights, get yourself G'd up for Diwali then get the cheerful airful the pre Diwali treat that we're all looking for. Okay. Today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Cheers everyone. Bye.