Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Dress Down Pilot) S9E16

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. This week they get massaged, and talk dressed down pilots and commando surgeonsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareSee us live 30th August, End of the Road Festival - https://endoftheroadfestival.com/8th September, London Podcast Festival - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/london-podcast-festival/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert?

Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details. Okay, listen dear, here we go. We're back. We're in your air canal. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew. Yeah. I like the speed at which you delivered

that. Well, this is, we haven't got very long in this air canal. We've got no time in this here can I go? No, you know what I can see it's a bit like honey. I should run the kids Yeah, giant cotton bud coming our way Okay, band what do we need using cotton buds? What do we need to say before they hear this episode? Well, I have to say that during this episode there are a few times I think might I've got a bit of a dodgy mic and it cuts in an hour You probably might notice that because that's normally plaquey contributions. That's sporadic.

It is. What important? Yeah, it's very, very important. And it's only sporadic because we talk so fucking with you and I. It's not his choice that it's sporadic. It's not his choice. We just really, really have a choice. He's waiting to talk.

We're not letting it. I don't think we're letting it get a word in edge of it. Oh, he's not going to get a single word in edge. So anyway, welcome listener dear to another episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting with my self-meeting Ben Tom and occasional inputs from Ben Clark. Hello, and it's so funny. Anyway, it's great to have you here.

It was lovely to have Ben here. It was really nice. You know what? It was nice to catch up with Ben. That was my favorite bit of this. It actually was. Getting to sit here with Ben and talk to you Matthew. It was so lovely. Ben was holding my hand and your hand didn't

he told a microphone? That's right. Had nothing to say. So many ways our hands are Ben's microphones. Let's not pursue that any, okay? But it's a very fun episode and we chat all about, well, what do we start with? What do we start with, Clarky?

Ah, well, I think we started. Come on we're going to give you a chance mate. We give you a chance. The door is wide open for you to go and this is wide. I think we started with this. I've had a thought. I've got an issue.

I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a has meeting! What's the point? Does life have a meeting? House meeting! Oh. Are you limbring up? Yeah. Do you do any sort of yoga or palatas or anything like that?

No, but I want to, I want to get into it. I think everyone wants to, but like I've said that for years, but it's pretty easy to start, but I just never do. I had a massage the other day. Oh yeah, how did you enjoy your massage? I thought this could be me now. Down the road, it was 30 quid, and I thought, I could be the kind of guy who gets a monthly massage.

Yeah, I love a massage. Yeah. What kind of massage was it if you don't mind me asking? Deep tissue. That's the best massage. Without a shadow of a doubt, I had a deep tissue massage recently when I went away to a spa break,

a little sort of, yeah, a baby moon, we called it, a little pre baby baby moon. Nice. And afterwards, the, go on, get a question. Okay, this is quite quick. Afterwards, the woman said to me, I really pushed you there,

because like some of the things I would do, even to my regular clients would make them like scream But you weren't screaming. Oh, and I was like yeah, that's right. Bring it on. I'm so tough. I could have a massage at a spa Shout Charles Bronson coming for you mates She she makes have people scream. Yeah, there are some things you can do like Like weirdly, it's not the sort of areas you don't you'd imagine your board. Yeah, there are some things you can do. Like, weirdly, it's not the sort of areas you'd imagine. Your ball would. Yeah, like, there's no deep tissue massage as the genitals.

That's pop an elbow on one one. And, yeah. She pushes hard on the, sort of the crook of the arm, the area, you know, on the other side of the elbow. And she sort of makes you sort of like move your arm upwards, almost like you're sort of flexing your bicep, and she pushes hard on that tendon there. And most people have incredibly tight tendons right there,

and you don't even realize. And she said, it's so, like, she said, I'm able to do it harder than you're able to do it, because your body stops you from pushing it as hard as it should. I, Ben, both Ben and I, listen to the art, doing exactly what you're doing right now, which is trying to feel the tendon

on the inside of your arm. In it tight, it's as well. In it tight, yeah. Oh, there it is. There it is. I've listened to that, listen to the idea. It's a tight little tendon. I can tell you now, Clark, he's in his Paris-Tenon, he just snapped.

That's how tight they are. Yeah, I'd like to be a message. I find it very, I enjoy giving them. Oh, I imagine. Really? Yeah, I'll take one. Yeah, I'd like to be a massage artist. I find it very, I enjoy giving them. I imagine, really, I'll take one. Yeah, I love giving a massage. Well, maybe after this one, we'll do a little massage cast.

And if, oh, hello, that's great for a podcast, isn't it? We interview and give a massage to a be list celebrity. We mic them up. We're mic'd up, but also we're mic'ding up their body, so you can hear it. Hear the tendons. You can hear the tendons. You can hear the knots popping.

Yeah, I don't mind that as an idea, actually. That's quite a bad idea. So, find out what WIF from Gladiator has been up to. Is it a be list? As we know. I think your idea of be list is, as I mean, yes, I list. We must have gone through this before, but who decides the list? I... I don't know. When do you know your...

I think A list is... When did we first find out we were A list? Who's... Yeah, did you get a little... Did you get the memo? It's a lot of black clacks. Yeah, a little black outside your house. Yeah, and A list to live here. I think a little black outside your house. Nailist to live here. I think it's a little blue circular. Nailist are actually.

LAUGHTER Come on, sub-list. So what was your question, by the way? You had a question around baby moons, was this? Where's the moon from? Honeymoon. Oh, honeymoon and baby moon. Well, I think there were...

Where's the moon from in honeymoon? What's the... What's the moon got to do this? What's the honey got to do with it? Yeah. What's the, what's the, what's the moon going to do then? What's the honey got to do with it? Yeah. What's the nature of honeymoon? Is it a period of time? Is it like, is a moon an amount of time? Is it like, you know, full, full to full like a two week period or something that's like a fortnight additional? Yeah, but I

don't know like why is it not called honey for night? What you don't feel honey for the fortnight moon? I don't know like why is it not called honey fortnight? What you don't feel honey for fortnight moon. I don't know that's what I'm saying is where does the moon come from? Well, you seem why you I mean because the moon now has become it's a bit like you know watergate Yes, the gate bit is basically what now means any kind of Disregardment doesn't it yeah, or any kind of gate But any kind of great is like, is now, so like, you know when there was that pizza gate scandal. Yes.

They're not big enough. Exactly. Yeah. 12 inch. You having me on? 12 inch. 12 inch you having me on is my DJ name. That's a club night I'm running now.

I'm C12 inch you're having me on. 12 inch you have me on. It's a club night, right? now. I'm C12 inch you're having me on. 12 inch you have a me on. It's a club night, right? And it is how it works. Okay. Right. Is it based around pranks?

It could be based around. I guess it kind of is based around pranks if you think about it. So the DJ's there, right? And a bloat comes up to him, right? And they brought a 12 inch. That's how you get, you've got to get in, right? You've got to bring a 12 inch, right? Yeah, we don't compete to here.

We took that an LPs and a stancho. But there's also a buffet. Lovely. Oh, wow, 12 inch. I can't let me on. So you bring out the 12 inch, right? Yep. And you go, you say to the DJ, 12 inch.

Do you have a meon? And he does that thing that they do, you know, the thumbs up, thumbs down like the gladiator, and he puts his thumb up and you play the next song. Oh, you're out of it, you don't like it. I'm gonna give it a go. Yeah, I'm gonna give it a go. Because there was a really, you know,

there was a proper kind of like silence that felt a little bit like when a plane changes gears. Where I was just sort of floating, going, where's this gonna go? But, so you're tagging in, you basically tag in the DJ. You tag in and you get to play a 12-inch remix of your favorite song. Speak. Speak into this, sorry.

Go on, don't be sorry. We're sorry, yeah. The plane, the other day, I was, I was having a flight back and we started at this moment and then pulled out of it. Whoa, you went back up. Yeah. Clark, you want yourself in the lights.

And they were like, oh, we're okay, we're not gonna do that descent. And there were a lot of panic looks. And he, wait, so this was the pilot came over or one of the, it was a, the pilot came over and it would be slightly, if you were in the middle of it the same and the pilot suddenly turns up at you,

but you see, what is he not going well? Yeah, I won't win! When is he going to get that move, mate? I'm the pilot. I'm the pilot. So, no, the pilot came over the Tanoi and... No, it was a... One of the estuards?

Yes, that's it. It was an estuard that did that and then after the pilot said, oh we had too much for tailwind and we have certain regulations and there's too much for tailwind, we have to abort that. Let's go straight back up. That's a comeback out. Whoa. Circus around. And in those moments, they say in moments when you're about to, when you feel like you might

be perishing, like you get a true sort of clarity of mine, like your life flashes before your eyes. Yeah, what did you see? What did you see? Was there anything clarky that you thought, ah, I've never got to realise that dream? I've never had a deep tissue massage. I've never pushed the tender on the hook of my arm. I was going to say I've never had a deep tissue.

Do you have the only massage I've ever had? Proper was the one you bought me at Glastonbury? Yes. That first time. Because we saw it mate, we'd always killed ourselves, walking in with all the way too much beer. And Clark, he was in a bad way. Oh, you seem like you wasn't going to enjoy Glastonbury.

So to go up the healing fields. Got a massive guy. Got a huge guy. He was great. Paid from top of massage and he came out, absolutely tip top. Oh. Sort of me right now.

It was one of those holistic massages where they bang a gong around your head. Oh, do you know? You know, I love the bowl and stuff. I love that. I love the bowl. At Glastonbury, he had his bowl was really relaxed. That was really, really rough.

I was just giving this bowl a rub. Oh, that's a spot. At Glastonbury, I did the raky drum healing. Oh, yeah. And I went, do you remember this? Yeah. Have we talked about this on the podcast before? At Glastonbury, I did the raky drum healing. Oh yeah. I went, do you remember this? Yes, yes. Have we talked about this on the podcast before?

I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that. Okay, well, you know I went to the spirit realm. Oh, I know you went to the spirit realm. I went to the spirit realm. You visited it. I visited the spirit realm. Afterwards, the woman who performed it for myself and Charlie, we went there together.

She sort of said, explained to me what you've seen. And all you're doing is you're lying there on, you're lying there, you're just lying down in a tent, right? And she is shaking a little turtle shell rattle. She's shaking that over your body. And she's banging a drum in a rhythmic way. A rump. Okay, she's doing this at the same time.

No, this is two different things. Oh, okay. She's only got two hands. I'm just going to say because it wasn't the amazing thing. I'm on the Spirrell, but it's got talent. Yeah, I met Vishnu, guys. And Vishnu was, no, so she's doing these two things and it sort of lulls you into this meditative state.

Right. And you're lying there and what an interesting, she mentions a gate. She says, before we do all of this, before we do all of this, I want you to lie down. Now you're going to walk along a bridge and you're going to see a gate. Yeah. Now in my head, I was like, I'll walk on a little rickety wooden bridge and I'll see a wooden gate. Like I sort of already thought that's what I'm going to see. So I lay down, I got into this meditative state

and then I saw the bridge, because that is, I'd imagined it, but the gate wasn't like the gate I imagined in my head. So it was clearly, like it was something that my subconscious was throwing up rather than my active brain was thinking of it. And it looked like a stargate. And so I dissapeared from the film. Like from the film, yeah.

So I was like, I was being a Russell though. Kurt Russell sadly wasn't there. The bloke played Maghiva was. It wasn't the TV. Yeah. Your trip to the Spirits World was the TV adaptation. It wasn't the TV adaptation. No, no, no.

It didn't look like the metal thing around the stargate. It looked like the actual bit of sort of, just like kind of great sort of like fiery kind of chasm that I then disappeared into. God. Once I was into it in there, I could see, yeah, well it's right. But once I was in there, I saw cities made of gold and I traveled upwards and I saw like faces of like old men

and I saw faces of babies coming towards me and I disappeared up through the sky and I appeared in a completely white like sort of like a completely white area. I don't mean like, you know I don't mean like the Cotswolds. I mean like you know like it was like 2001 I guess you know all the walls were white everything was white and I could film myself I still was aware I was lying down but I was lying down, it was like 2001, I guess. You know, all the walls were white, everything was white, and I could film myself. I still was aware I was lying down, but I was lying down in this air, and I explained all this to the woman afterwards, and she burst into tears.

You said, oh my God, this has never happened to you before. I've always wanted this to happen. You entered into the space. You're at room. I went in. You were the only time it had worked for us. Yeah, it's the only time, and she looked, because you get visions about your future.

Right. So, for example, Charlie, I'm sure she won't mind me saying this, she saw a maze and there was like an escape route out of the maze that led her to a beach where she saw a turtle, which is apparently her spirit animal. Is that what she's going to divorce you? Yeah, she was like, I don't know why you're going to get this for an hedge maze, but it is my life. She's going to divorce me. And then walked directly into

the sea. It's going to be okay. Matthew's just going to be there frozen. But anyway, yeah, so we were crying and like, you know, holding hands with each other and talking about the spirit world. And it was, it was, it was really something else. And I know, I know there are going to be people who are listening to this now and going, you are a total wanker. Well, there's gonna be a couple in this room, to be honest. Yeah. Clawkey, you bastard.

Clawkey, you actually, you know what? He's done me there. He's done me. I know a amount of spirit realm is going to save me. But there are people who are listening to this who are going to think, but you know what? In those moments, I think it's better to give yourself up to those kind of things. And to believe it, you know. Go on. I'm not one of the last time we've ever been.

Exactly. I'm not sort of going, oh brilliant, it's cured my leukemia. You know, I'm just using it as a really... Did you know I had my leukemia? What'm just using it as a really, did I hear about my leukemia? I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Blood, DL. Exactly the way. I'm not using it for anything other than,

you know, a little bit of sort of personal wellbeing. Sure, yeah, there you go. I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. So, did you see the spirit of the world when your plane was, whistling. No, I got nothing.

I just, I got nothing from it, I got nothing. I just... Nothing from it. I was like, I want to wait for this. I was like... This would be a story to tell. Just gave you a small little flip in the stomach and a sort of little tickle in the balls. Yeah, I was kind of generally quite calm on a plane, so I was all right about it. And also my girlfriend was clearly a bit more stressed about it so that was more

where my focus was. Hold a hand and look calm. Right exactly. In the first week of year 7, Rich Williams came in and said that his dad had been on a concord that had slipped off the runway and he jumped off it to survive. Oh, big year, seven, lie, big year, seven, lie. Can I just say in moments like that, I just choose to believe it. Can I just go with it? You know what? Because that's not, you know, I'm not saying that story is going to cure my scruffy lips.

But there's something's going on. And here's something. My partner was once on a long distance flight to Bali. And the pilot, we know when they stick out autopilot in the middle of the night, whatever, came down the plane and noticed that, and then on the way up from the toilet, started trying to chat to her. I tried to chat her up. Yeah, well you went back to the cockpit and then came back later on when everyone was asleep and tried to chat her up and tried to give her a number and stuff.

Want a ball of move? I'd give her a number. Do you think that's what pilot, do you think pilot is doing that all the time? Being like, I am the pilot. Once it's on, swaggering down the plane. I mean, I'm not the pilot uniform, isn't it? Once it's on autopilot though, that times your own. And you've got a captive audience.

You're gonna crack onto. You're the alpha dude, aren't you? Yeah, and also you've got the added frisson of like, if this doesn't go well, maybe this flight won't go well. I'm gonna crush, give me a number else I'll crush the plane. I think that is, that is, by the way, the worst example of Toxie masculinity. If you don't, you don't go out with me, listen to me. If you don't go out with me, I will drive this plane to a fucking mountain.

I've done that threat before. I'm not proud of it. It's just a hand in on a plane. So it's hadn't held any weight. Did she like the guy? I mean, obviously now she's with you and she's very happy and congratulations to you both. But did she like the guy? Did she go? No, she didn't. I think he was... Bit full of? Bit much. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit full of. Bit out with you. Yeah, that's true. That's very true. That's me, Jay. That's me, Jay.

That's not so usual for me to go to your feet. That's me, Jay. I think someone's doing the uniform. They're like pilots don't need to wear uniforms. But I think you do. I think you do. Why do pilots need to wear uniforms? So that people know it's the pilot.

Why do they need to know it's the pilot? They're in the cockpit. They're flying the plane. No, I think this is a train driver. There was a certain drop. Train driver's wear uniforms. Yeah, need to. Police don't need to wear uniforms, but they do, they do, don't they? You never, when you see a woman get mugs, you want to run to a policeman, you want to say officer problem over there. Yeah. But you never see a train and want to run to the driver and go, driver, drive this train.

That's a very good point. You know what he's driving the train, right? I think there are certain jobs that carry like responsibility. Yeah, but like you want to go in the office. No, no, you don't know. No, you don't need to. You want to leave them and say, okay, that person, they're smart, they know what they're doing.

Jeans and T-shirt, I don't want you to drive them up plain. Yeah. Taxi drivers. It's slightly different. I think it is. I think taxi drivers, I think, is different. It's very similar. Because they've shown up, they've shown up in the taxi,

and that's all you need to know. If you saw a bloke walking right, say, for example, if you're in first class and you're right by the cockpit and you're all going to to know. If you saw a bloke walking right, say for example, if you're in first class and you're right by the cockpit and you're all doing pretty well for themselves. So if you, I mean, I'm, we live in Hope, don't we? The one day we're gonna see the... Is this another one of your visions?

You drifted up to first class. I'm not gonna tell you the universe. No, at least in first class, yeah. I'm saying if one were in first class, this is your first class. I'm never in first class. I've never flown in one class. I've never flown in one class. I've never flown first class guys, all right?

Oh, yeah, but I've flown through the astral planes. Oh, yeah, but don't we know about that? Sure, I've flown through the astral planes. Business class. Even that, I was premium economy. LAUGHTER It was cramped. Even it was cramped. It was cramped.

Even when I went to the spirit realm. On raw meat. On piece of luggage. But if you saw the pilot going in and he just looked like, you know, Terry and his overalls, you wouldn't be like, oh, brilliant. This guy's got it. This guy's got it. This guy's got it. It's great. People have a lot of nerves about flying and I think having someone who looks

the part, 100% helps. If you look at the pilot and you go, look, he's got a nice crisp white iron shirt, he's got that natty little hat on, he's looking good, you know, then you think they probably checked everything else. It's a bit like the Brown M&Ms, you know, like, you know, when Van Halen asked for all the Brown M&Ms to be taken out, people saw that as a like a big, devish demand. Yes. But the actual reason was, it means it proves they've read the entire writer. So if they're taken out the Brown M&Ms, then you know that they've checked that the drum writer is on a, you know, is not going to fall into the crowd or that all the lights are rigged in the right way.

And I feel it's the same. We did. And we taught, didn't we? The last thing we all know, rider, was please don't shit in our dressing room. I thought we asked for them to shit in our dressing room. I actually think I wrote that as a note to you Tom. I'm sorry. I just, please, if there is, if there is, if there is,

I need to get in the dressing room mate. We did have the swivel lamp. That, that foxed everyone. Remember. Oh yeah, we had, we asked for a swivel lamp. But I mean, I don't even know. It's for a swivel lamp. Yes, for a swivel lamp.

No one knew what it was. I don't know why we asked for that. We didn't use it. I don't think we specifically asked for. I like that it was just the example. I like that. That's as a hedonistic most successful. Everyone, we would ask for a swivel lamp there. We'd get there and everyone would go, I'm sorry, we don't know, we don't have a swivel lamp, we don't know what that is and we got nearly. But thanks for reading.

So I think that's what you get with a pilot though, you get this idea of a precision. Wouldn't you just get that with like a hat? No, I'm wasting it. And naked man in a hat. Flying your plane. I'm not just only a hat. Who's that timey naked guy wearing a fuzz? This is going to shock you, but he's the pilot. All aboard.

And later on I'll be popping down the aisle to see who I fancy. That's me, dear. Later on I'll be popping down the other, see who I fancy! It's fall and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup and maple lattes? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything almost anything order now product availability may vary by region See after details. Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman planting her course to freedom It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th It'd have to be a hell of a hat. Yeah. T-shirt jeans and a pilot's hat, you look like you're on a stag too. You don't look like you're about to fly the plane.

Okay. I hear what you're saying. Thanks, man. I mean, I like the idea of a dress down pilot. What? You just like, you know. Why, right, the next time you go on a plane, do you honestly think you'd be happier

if the pilot was wearing his scuffs? Dressed down pilot, that sounds like it could be like a cool description for someone, you know. He'd be like, you know? Sort of like a pilot who dresses down. What's wrong? You're like Sarah. She's dressed down pilot.

Do you know what I mean? So what would that mean? Like someone who's got a really good job, but you never know it. I like that. Here we go. Someone who knows what really good job, but you never know it. Here we go. Someone who knows what they're doing, but doesn't stick to your plate. Addressed out pilot, you know?

You've talked to them all like long, you never know how rich they are or whatever it is. Yeah, and it's like at the end they go like, oh, you know, they've got like four houses in the Maldives or whatever, and you'd be like, four in the Maldives alone. They're addressed out of pilot. You know, or whatever you're making a better

bad estate agent. Because we've met people who are dressed down pilots where you try to go. You know, you know, I mean, that would be the goal. They haven't got the uniform on, but they can fly the place. Dress down pilot, surely that's. Exactly, that's what I mean, it's like sure.

Because what you think what you have then is this kind of, like, you know, like in a romcom or something where like, the guy bumps into the girl and they're like, oh, what were you watch where you're going? It's like, ooh, you just spilled my coffee and then it's like, oh, hey, it's been a coffee. Yeah, the play, it's like, oh, mum, mum, I'm here, I've never played,

I don't know. He's wearing a chef's hat and nothing else. That's a specimen to borrow. That coffee really hurt. We fly a bell, a retaliate. I don't know what this airline or this wrong com is. But do you know what? I 100% agree with you because I like the idea of somebody who is not showy about their wealth because it turns out there are people who are kind of like in that like the upper

tier. Yeah. You know, who actually really want to whack it about. You know, your surgeons in the scrubs, exactly. Give it a rest. Exactly. Just where your jeans and t-shirts made.

The surgeon thinks it's a good thing. So you got the rubber gloves for once in your bloody line. No, you know what, I think you could be a dress down pilot on your own time, but if you are a pilot or a surgeon or a proper job, then you kind of have to dress in that uniform. Yeah, a dress down surgeon. You don't want that.

That's a different, that's a irresponsible thing. It's like, don't put Sarah in charge of that. She's a real dress down surgeon. Yeah. I was listening to a podcast recently about a sort of really, like a bad, a spinal surgeon because I know how to unwind. It's called Dr. Death. It's actually very upsetting.

It's about, if you enjoy detailed descriptions of botched spinal surgeries, it really is six episodes of fun. But the first episode really made me laugh because they're talking about a surgery they're doing. And one of the nurses says, I noticed that he had a hole in the trousers of his O.R. scrubs, so you could see his butt. And the reason I noticed

this was because he's had it like every day this week, it was the same, he was wearing the same scrubs. So O.R. scrubs and also free-balling it, going Commando. You can, I think Commando surgery. I thought it was this hole. Well, you can see his hole R, so it wasn't where in chaps. I imagine it was like the size of a cigarette burn. But that's kind of what I'm imagining. But I think basically, address down pilot, I'm fine with, address down surgeon. You can't be addressed down surgeon. Come on, yeah.

This guy's a bit of a commandeer. He's not good at this job. We need to get out of here. The pilot is a commando surgeon. I thought it was a dress down pilot. Now the pilot's address down pilot that's fine. If, the pilot's a dress down pilot, that's fine. If you're a surgeon's a dress down pilot, that's fine. But if your pilot is a commando surgeon, get off the plane.

You've got to get off the plane. Yeah. But I don't think you realise your pilot's commando surgeon until as glad he did, they go, well, that bit didn't work. It's going to be a little bit. There's got to be, there's got to be, I mean pilots first go. I mean, some of us must have been on a pilot's first proper flight. One of the things you cannot do is tell anyone.

That must happen all the time. Well, like the hats. You know, the first time you've after you're driving. First time of the thing hold on.. Hold onto your hats. You know, the first time you've, after you're driving, first time for everything, hold onto your hats. Hold onto your hats. I'm wearing a hat. I'm wearing nothing else. That's it.

So, chefs that. Hold onto your chaps. I'm your surgeon. I'm your surgeon. And like, we must have been on a plane at some point where it was the pilot's first ever like, oh, I'm in charge. I'm not being supervised today. Yeah, panic. yeah, yeah. And we don't realize that. No, they don't advertise that fact.

No, that could have been the look, that could have been like, learn a pilot. Here's, there you go. Land the plane. Here's a question for the, for the, there you go mate. Land the plane. Here's a question for the two of you. Oh yeah. So you know they do this thing now, which is like secret retreats where if you just shop at the airport they will tell you when you arrive at the airport where you're going on holiday and the holiday is therefore much cheaper, right? So like they've, it's basically the way of filling up flights that aren't being booked out and filling up hotels that aren't being booked out. Would you go on a flight if you knew it was the guy's first flight, but it was much much cheaper?

So would you fly to Los Angeles? Clarky, Clarky straight away. Clarky and Clarky didn't even... Loves a bargain, no, I tell you. In the same way that like you can get your hair cut by the student hairdressers at Tony and Guy and it's free. Yeah. Yeah, you can do that. Yeah, that's different, isn't it?

You think so? Yeah, so you'd rather walk around with... No, you'd rather die than walk around with a bad haircut, which is mad for you because you don't have any hair. No, I'm saying I'm all right with the hairdressers, fine. Oh, okay, sorry. He fucked up my hair, that's great. Yeah, not, you know, she flew me into a mountain or everything.

Yeah, but how often do they fly into a mountain? If you knew it was a person's first flight, but it caught, it was 50 quid to fly to Los Angeles or where do you wanna go? You wanna go to New Zealand, right? There's expensive, expensive flights. Almost as far as you can fly from the UK. Say they said, look, you and your partner, 100 quid

each, to fly to New Zealand, but this bloke, he's never flown unadded before, would you take it? You know what? No. Good night. Good night, sir. That's our point. I don't mind splashing a bit of cash just to make sure you don't fly into the scene.

Yeah, that's one. But I think that the majority of flights that go down is mechanical error, not human. That's true, this is true. There's a good example of this. I can fly a plane, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, coming. I would trust Clarky. My thinking on this is, I think my big worry is, I don't want my last moment before I die to be, oh, you it. That's my fault, you know, it's probably my, think about buying a motorbike is like,

if you buy a motorbike and you crash your motorbike, that split second before you die, you must go, shouldn't have bought that motorbike. I buy a motorbike, of course. Yeah, and it's like that moment, or like someone who's died skydiving, it's like, oh, I did this. I bought this on myself, yeah. And it's like that moment or like someone who's died skydiving. It's like, oh, I did this. I thought this on myself. Yeah. And it's like that moment. I don't want that moment. No. I want it to be like, I want the moment for a die to be like, oh, you've done this.

I want to be killed. You want to be killed by somebody else. That's my dream. My dream is to be killed. My dream, my dream is to be killed. You might have read about this in the papers, but you know Mr. Play at Safe was afraid to fly. What? He packed his suitcase, kissed his kiss goodbye. He was hold down life. Mr. I got on that flight. Mr. Play at Safe got on the plane.

Yeah, but as the plane crashed down, he thought, well isn't this nice? Isn't ironic. That was in the news. That was in the news papers. I think it was in today's paper. Wow, why? Why did you think it was nice just before you crashed? Oh, you loved it. I saved saloonity. I don't know. He said it gave him a boner. Can't confirm what you guys.

You were halfway through the descent. I wasn't working out for you. It was more than a second. We have to stop a second. We're going to be right back after these messages. I'm going to be right back after this. I'm going to be right back after this. I'm going to be right back after this. I'm't working out for you. It was more. We have to stop a second.

We're going to be right back after these incidents. It's a shame. I'm saying some really good stuff here. What about a film where Clarky asks someone to marry him as the plane's coming into land and it's called in decent proposal. We're just having a bit of technical difficulties here. I think Tom's microphone is broken as well. I think Tom's brain's broken. Is that hand off a sound now? Yeah, sounds great, baby. Sounding good.

Nothing for my in decent proposal thing. Oh, you're guaranteeing it makes the edit. So we were talking about massages. We were. Right. It's pronounced masseuses. Well, they give the massages. Right. The masseuses give the massages, but the massages are what was being given. We need to iron these finer details out before our podcast, mate. Musesis wear kind of uniforms, don't they? Yeah, I guess they do, yeah. They're often wear a kind of sort of halfway between a kind of medical outfit and a kind of kimono.

Is that fair to say? Right, yeah. Like sexy surgeons. No, it's nothing sexy about our guests. Oh, I don't, it's not a set. Glossy dentist. Is that what? The key to you call a massage, the Glossy Dentist.

Glossy dentist. So Glossy Dentist aside, I had a massage. Oh yeah. Deep tissue. This wasn't a deep. Sport? Well, holistic, what, go on it? What a holistic? Deep to shit. Yeah, sport Swedish. Swedish. It wasn't Swedish, but yeah, that's another one sport and deep dish are different

Sports massage is like off the run of treadmill They do it with the actually one of those tennis ball machines that pop pops up out of here and he's like, God, that worked out the knots. No, I think the sports massages might like what physio therapist would do for you. Right.

Localised, I would imagine. Injury repair. If you've got very tight glutes, which, let's say, I do, I really do. Yeah. My physio therapist says it, my osteopath says it. What the hell? What the hell are you doing?

I'm a physiotherapist of you got. I got three, man. You got a team. I got a team working on this board. Of course. You got to have a team working on the board. I got nobody working on mine. I'm gonna get you a person to work on your board, Clarky.

Someone's got to. I'm gonna, he's paying me to do it, certainly. Yeah. I'm your new, I'm your new board, pod. God. I'm not in. I'm gonna he's paying me to do it certainly yeah, I mean you I'm your new bod pod Sist you wear some sort of uniform you've got to dress like a glossy dentist. It'll be an apron It'll be like one of those um, you know kiss the chef aprons that you wear at barbecues where it's got like a mussely Picture on the front sure. Oh, yeah, but that'll be your bod by the time we finished That's why I'm just eating you mate. You're gonna make me muskly. No, that's why you're an apron.

Yeah. I'll take it. We didn't talk, by the way, we haven't got our horny boss of the, horny boss of the house, apron's made yet. Yeah, we've got to. That's part of our that's part of our promise. Merch drive. Part of our promise to you. I've got no idea if that episode with Steve done a BBC, he's gone out yet, but if it hasn't, don't worry. You know what? Your kids are going to love it. Time travel across the earth. So I did. I got a massage in a hotel in Vietnam. I was travelling with my wife for a long trip. My wife and I. We've

gone on a long trip and we had... I decided I'm going to book a really fancy hotel for the final weekend of the trip. So I booked... I think it was called the Senators' Suite in this, you know, like it was a hotel with an extra room to it. It was really nice, you know. I completely blitzed all the money I ever had basically. I was like, you know, you got to chuck a bit of money at hotel. I can't take it with you. You've got to do the honeymoon properly. You know you can take money home from a holiday.

Oh, is that what the expression means? Because on the last day of my holiday, I chucked the rest of my money into the sea. So, you've got to get back to the local economy. You've got to get back to the local economy. You've got to get back to the local economy. You can't take it with you. Draw out all my money into the ocean. We did into the sea.

Ho Chi mined it straight into the sea. Gone the plane. It got on the plane. Absolutely the pilot. And yeah, took off his fairs, popped it every cock. He said, have some goddamn respect, man. You're flying this plane. So you're chunking all the change on this swank hotel.

So I think why not book myself into the spa that's part of the hotel. Excuse me. You're falling apart, Clarkie. Can we get his mic going out again? So I thought why not book myself into the spa that's attached to this hotel. Treat myself. Treat myself. And end of a long holiday. So my wife and I, we went along to the spa. And we said, said, we both like to book in for massages. They said, well, there's one place today, and there's another place tomorrow who wants to go first.

And Charlie said, well, I want to go for a swim. So I'll go for a swim. You go for the massage now. And they said, the best massage we do is the forehand massage, right? Two people massaging at the same time. And I thought, God damn it, sign me up for the four hands massage.

Double glossy dentist? The double glossy dentist. So anyway, I go and I have a shower, and I lay down, you know, I can lay down, and they put me in a little pair of paper pants. Paper pants? Little paper pants, yeah. That's the uniform of the massage.

And, no, it's not. I mean, I mean, it can, be sure. And so I'm wearing these little paper pants and I'm lying there. And these two ladies are not doing a phenomenal job. Now, bear in mind, I'm a deep tissue guy. So I like a massage you ride. You're good.

They're pouring oil over my hair. They're sort of like touching me and, you know, like, over the legs and torso, but it doesn't feel like they're actually massaging me. And I'm sort of going, this is a bit of a crap massaging. Yeah. And then they say, are you happy? And I say, yeah, yeah, yeah, very much.

Turns out they hadn't said, are you happy? They said, do you want to be happy? And I said, what do you mean? And they said, how much to massage this? And they start prodding my little paper pants. And prodding my little torch. And I say, I'm all right, thanks very much. I don't want any of that.

And then I go to the reception and I say, yeah, just, just, my massage wasn't very good and they probably might not, if I don't pay for it. And they're like, all right, well, we'll get the women out who did the massage and you can talk to them. And I was like, no, don't do that. So they bring the women out. And I say, they say, what's going on? What was wrong

with the massage? And I go, well, you know, you tried to touch the bottom of the end of it. And I didn't really, you didn't really enjoy that. And they're like, no, we didn't. I was like, okay, all right. Well, don't worry about that. And so I go back to the receptionist and say, look, they've said they didn't, but I just don't want to pay for it. Basically, you have to pay for it. I, we have to pay for it. I said, well, is there any sort of manager I can speak to? And then the manager comes out and he sits me down and he says, so what, what do you think's happened?

And I said, oh, I think they tried to touch my penis during the massage, really stressed at this stage. And he goes, never did. There you go. Right, okay, well, I don't want to pay for the massage, you guys, I'll give you 15% off, I'm like, no, because that's not enough. And then at this point, Charlie arrives to pick me up and she sees me there looking all stressed and she goes, what happened?

Did they put oil in your eyes? She assumed that, like someone said, no, no, no, no, they tried to touch my knob and she said, right, well, this we've got it, we've got to sort out a problem. And they basically, like, look, we'll charge you tomorrow when you leave, but we're not going lower than 15% off. Because there's a thing in Vietnam, they say there's a thing in Vietnam of face.

And if we admit wrongdoing, then we lose face. And I'm like, yeah, but I've lost quite a lot of face myself here because I've had my knob touched by someone I didn't want to touch my knob. And so then I Googled the hotel, which I should have done before I'd been there. We Googled the hotel and some key phrases. And yeah, it was on all the, if you're a sex tourist,

you've got to go to this hotel. We booked ourselves into the proper older sex hotel. The sex hotel? Yeah. And I thought it was just, like, I thought it was, like, it looks really swanky. And it was like, it was like, old, you know, old Vietnam. It's like where the, it's where the journalists used to stay.

Of course it is. Back in the day, but I think it's where the journalists used to stay now. You stay, yeah. You want a little bit the old, you're in the Senator's suite. It's where all the senators were. So eventually we managed to speak to a different manager, a woman who managed to sort of knock the price off.

And how was Charlie's massage the next day? Oh, she loved it. Came four times. Four hands. Absolutely. But anyway, yes. So just deep tissue now from now on, I think. What was the...

What, no, no, no. I'm just... I promise Clark, I'm going to look after his bard. I'm going to book him in. I tell you what, we've got four hands. Clark, we could do you a fourhand massage right now, if you want. Go on then. LAUGHTER

How's BZ? Is having subtitles on a horror film cheeky? How's BZ? Wow. Strong and long and good. All of those things are absolutely true to them. Strong, long and good. What a wonderful episode it was. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, Clarke. Yeah, fuck you, you're here. Yeah, I'm strong, long and good. What a wonderful episode it was. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, lucky.

Yeah, fuck you, you're here. Yeah, I'm here. If you enjoyed it too, leave a review on iTunes. Oh, yes, please. Yes, on the Patreon and get involved. Patreon-Ford slash flat share. Have we got any reviews we'd like to read out? Yes, there's a nice one here that says,

always excellent five stars. Not only funny, but joyous and life-thirming, never-not, an open and closed shut beef case. says a nice one here that says, always excellent five stars, not only funny, but joyous and life-ferming, never not, an open and closed shut beef case. Which in terms of negatives and that, I don't know, never not an open, who knows? I think never not means always. Great, always an open and closed shut beef case.

Sure, why not? Never not. I've got one here that's five out of five shmangs. The old girl never disappoints. Oh, God, old girl. By the way, speaking of the Never Nots, we've literally got, I've just literally seen this now on iTunes, it never makes me not laugh. Guys, just say it always makes me laugh. You're confusing the hell out of us here.

Let's start from what's my password. Thank you very much. I wanted to read this one though. This is from Toast, where the S is a five, if you want to hack into his Wi-Fi. They simply say tattoo. And did we make a promise? Producer, remember, you all remember this.

We make a promise to get tattoos. We're getting an odd here. Yeah. We're getting a tattoo. Okay, so this is the tattoo we're all going to get. It's a wolf good start. Yeah, I'll take that. With a piece of toast on its head. Uh oh. I mean, I think he's just taking his own name there and whacked it in there. A wolf of the piece of toast on its head looking wistfully at a copy of the financial times. Perfect. Well, it's what I've always wanted. Check out our

Instagram because we're going to get those tattoos. And they, they're definitely honest, you're going to be real tattoos. It might look like I've just got Clarkie to draw my arm with a biro but it's a real tattoo guys. If you'd like to come and see us live we have got some shows coming up. Clarkie, we've got two shows coming up. We've got one at the end of the road festival and that's on the 30th of August. That will be a load of fun, please come along. And we've also got one on the 8th of September and that's at the London Podcast Festival. Kings Place. Come on on to that too.

I'll be performing up at the end of the festival in the silo show called Pariokey. So if you're at the end of the French, please do come along. It's at 6 p.m. in the courtyard. And I will be doing, I'll be doing my show on Radio X if you'd like to listen to my show on Radio X. We had to prote that on this. Yeah, go on. Sunday's 8-11 with me and Ed Gamble. It's a real treat. Here's a real treat. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham

team. And you need to look after yourselves and each other. Cheers everyone. Bye! Bye! Listen, dear, please be upstanding for the Patreon neighborhood watch! ROLCO! ROLCO! It's getting very tuss. It's the cinematic universe. Whoa! What, I don't quite remember. A universe.

Quite a name. And... He's not Paul Chaudry. He's Lloyd Chaudry. Well, twist. Stay home or go hard with Matt Rudgjard. Thank you for your fandom, Tim Brandon. He writes in ancient Egypt on a papyrus. It's Ben Polard Muthias. Is she a legend?

Well, did Elvis have a quiff? It's Jessica Smith. Did he? He did? Yes. Let's all have a party with Sheila Carty. I'd like to spend a penny all over Graham Denny. I want to take credit. I want to take credit. I want to take credit. I'd like to spend a penny to buy a present for Graham Denny. Well, let me depend on who you are.

You might prefer the first. Graham, Graham, listen, we've all had a drink. And we need to relieve ourselves. I'll show you my piles, Steven Miles. We're going, we're going together. We're going forward.'re going together, we're going forward. What's a bomb? Edward, I'm sorry, that's not good enough.

He stays up late watching the tonight show with Johnny Carson. It's Matt Parsons. Thank heavens for Rianne Evans. It's Green, Eggs and Ham with with hands breakfast man. Hands breakfast man. He's my kind of guy, it's Christoph Fry. We have never shared a lover's tiff and that is why she's Amy Smith. Hey, she's out of breath and she pants. It's death grant. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss But it's not a woman, it's James Hamilton. LAUGHTER Guys, gender is a construct, it's 2019. Let's have lots of lovely lulls with Dave Nichols.

She got what I need, it's Jessica Speed. And that concludes today's Patreon Neighborhood Watch Roll Call! Hooray! But maple syrup and maple lattes? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See you after details.