Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Half a mile of rubber bricks) S13E23

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. We discover that it's expensive being stupid, and some other rules for life.Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben and I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. Woah, wee. Woah, wee mate. Just done a really smelly f- Oh, okay. Oh, really te.

Really soured, the mood. It's really soured, yeah. Yeah, it's me. You know, every so often you do one that doesn't smell like your own. Yeah. Are you sure it's you? Oh my god, the fart was coming from inside the house. Well, no, that is that.

Yeah, yeah. If the phone was coming through the house, it's worrying. If the fart is going from outside the house, then it's really worrying. Oh, that would be a great lie in the horror movie. The fart was coming from outside the house. Oh my God, can you smell that? Well Tom, when they make scary movie 17, I'm sure they'll call you first of all to do some shot of it. I haven't farted. Well I haven't farted. The fart was coming from outside the house.

And then some guy doesn't know what shits himself on the doorstep. Well, anyway, we'll work. Anyway, see. Anyway, welcome to House Meeting. Welcome, everybody. Yes, indeed. You know what House meetings are by now. It's where the three of us, Matthew Benetom,

get together to the fat, throw it around, see what comes out the other end. No, it around, see what comes out the other end. No, we're not seeing what comes out the other end Tom, because we just recorded an episode and you've done some of the most. I mean, this is one of the only things I enjoy about the fact it's on Zoom. I miss the camaraderie, that's all being the same room,

but I do not miss the smell of vision, being the same room, the noxious gases. I remember on Zoom though, we have camera ruddery. Do you know what I mean? Oh, a lovely, what you mean, yeah. A lovely bit of camera ruddery. Well, if you enjoyed that sort of thing that you're gonna love this episode folks,

all that remains to be said is don't forget that we have a Patreon where you can get bonus episodes every single week, bonus beef beefs bonus episodes of our Papi's flat share pop round and you can also get a load of bonus audio and the jingle as a single from our flat share slam downs. So it's well worth getting to patreon.com forward slash Papi's flat share and joining up today. Also, if you're going to be at the latitude festival, what are you going to be? Never never good when when news like this is news to Perry. You're going to latitude.

You do know it's happening, right, man? The latitude festival is happening this month. Oh, maybe. On the weekend of the 21st, 22nd and 23rd of July, and we will be performing there. This July. Yeah, July 2023, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Get your little academic diary out.

Okay. Shuffle towards nearly the end. Middle of the summer holidays. July, make July's at the start, buddy. Woo, really? How is it starting July? Yeah, you're a brand new calendar. Starts in July. Well, you know what, if you'd like to start the year off strong, then come and see Papi's Flappshare. Papi's Flappshare slammed down live at the Latitude Festival.

We always have a great time at the Latitude Festival, really excited about performing again. I don't know exactly what time we're on. Hello, Matthew here with an update on exactly when we're performing at the Latitude Festival. We could exclusively reveal that it is Saturday night. Now we don't know if it's eight o'clock or nine fifteen we've been told two different bits of information but we definitely know it's Saturday night so that's when you'll be able to see us. I would say go to our socials closer to the event that will tell you exactly when performing. We'll put that up on our on our Twitter, on our Instagram. I'll put it up on my threads,

which I'm very much enjoying. And yeah, you'll find that information there, but it is definitely the Saturday night, and it is at the listing post. I don't know why we thought it was the outpost, we got bad information there, but it is the listing post, and it's Saturday night, and it's probably eight o'clock.

We will see you there. Now back to the regularly scheduled episode of Papi's Flat Share House Meeting. See if we have an exciting guest captain. We'll find out. Yeah, see if it's just going to be me and Clarky. No guests. No result. It's about time producer Emmer and producer Gwynn started putting their way and getting up on stage and taking a part in the games as well That's what I say the producer special. Yeah, the producer special. That's what we're calling it. Yeah No, of course of course we'll be there and I'm not only that will be will be there with bells on very much like a thought to return to that

Well, you're right, Tom. You don't have to that. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Next time you're going to say you're talking about going somewhere, do it without you wanting. That might be the way to do it. I've got very little oxygen in this shed. I don't know if you can explain. I just explained. So, I'm going to go for goodness sake rather than passing out from a 40 minute podcast recording.

We'll be there. Absolutely. Loading it up in the podcast arena. We'll be there, absolutely lauding it up in the podcast arena. It's called the Outpost this year. It was called the Listing Post in previous years. Now it's called the Outpost, which makes you think a little bit of an outhouse.

It makes you think that you're gonna be smelling it on October. Yeah. If you would like to smell what the parry is cooking, then get yourself a front row hay bail for the for the outpost at some point over the latitude weekend Probably pray that it's not the Sunday pray that it's not the Sunday So that's when the chicken scoop home to roost shall we say? Okay, old festival

Oh, yeah, all right. Well have a wonderful listen to this episode. We had a wonderful time recording it and we'll see you on the other side it and we'll see you on the other side. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew theating Why on earth am I always waiting? Has beating, beating, beating Who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has beating, beating, beating What's the point? Does life have a meaning? Has beating So I don't know if you remember this, but...

Oh yeah And Josh Whittickham's wedding He gave a bit of advice from his dad in his speech Yeah And do you know what the advice was, I think about it all the time. Yeah, I do. I think about it all the time as well. Uh, I do, yeah.

Which is ain't shit. I just thought it was quite big call for the weddings. To win by the time it's got to bring it up. Yeah. Well, first of all, yeah, I don't know. It can't stress enough. That's neither the opinion of Josh Whitaker or his dad, or in fact, any of the three of us.

That we know of. That we got coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that we know of. That we know of exactly. Can either confer nor deny. Oh, Tom, you popped a hat on. Paris, it is the bucket. It's just unbelievable.

Wait, sorry. Hang on, it's not that unbelievable. I'll pop the hat on. No, sorry. It's not that. I believe I'll pop the hat on. No, but it is to be halfway through, you know, the intro to an episode and you reach out of shot. It looked like you were yawning, but then when you came back, what are your hands at a bucket hat in? Can I ask, is there a costume dresser just out of shot on your zoom?

Oh, it's a variety of different. A ring-like team. A cute team. A ring-like team. Yeah, there's seven, seven people there. Oh my goodness. Where did that pipe come from? I don't believe this.

It's like a one-man episode of Guess Who. Yeah, I mean, I know exactly what you're going to say about this advice, because I do think about it as well. Yeah. To the point where I assume my child will make a similar speech at their wedding because I mean, I know exactly what you're going to say about this advice, because I do think about it as well. Yeah. To the point where I assume my child will make a similar speech at their wedding because I'll have passed it on to them. You're going to say it to them, yeah.

So the advice is, you lose a grand a year to being an idiot. Yes. So every year, you are going to, and it's not necessarily like you're going to do an idiotic thing It's going to cost you a grand. It's accumulated over a 12 month period. You're going to lose Some some money is going to add up to a grand That's really interesting to hear because in my head I go with two grand I thought I was going to say I'm struggling to keep it down to a ground I remember it as two grand ground which is clearly my brain going, yeah, yeah, great.

I don't have a wiggle room on the old town. A bit of wiggle room. I need attacks. Speaking of which guys, I've just realised I've left something on the hop. Is it too grand? I'm in some bucket hat. It's a, it's just, it's his gold plated bucket hat. That's just gonna, I mean, the good thing about it is it learning, it learning, it's not going down, he doesn't lose his value.

He spent 2000, yeah. So you think it's, you think it's too grand? Well, I mean, I guess, think about it. When, when, when he got that advice from his father, it was a while ago, right? It was presumably as he was a child, didn't say it to him a couple of seconds before the wedding. So, if we say Josh is 40, are we allowed to say that? Are we allowed to reveal his age? Yeah, so we're talking 20 plus years ago.

I think maybe it's gone up, maybe we need to, maybe we do need to adjust for inflation. I feel much more comfortable with two grand. I think maybe it's gone up, maybe we need to, maybe we do need to adjust for inflation. Especially down. I feel much more comfortable with 2 grand. Yeah. I can. I forgot. I think I need that, actually. Can I just ask, is that the bucket hat that cost you $1,500?

Do you think I need that? Then I understand why you're, I understand why you're more comfortable with 2 grand. It was very heartening to hear those words as well because the day before my partner and I arrived in our hotel room, and I jumped up to swing on what I thought was a door frame and was a plaster of Paris ledge and just completely pulled the plaster of Paris ledge down onto me and got charged 500 quid for it. Oh no! I didn't notice 500 quid, oh of course, no wonder. You can't do six months working a day, can you? You've got to at least make that a quarter. Oh my gosh. I went so I operate on too large. Yeah. Can I ask Tom, is the door frame maneuver a regular thing?

Because I don't, I mean, and I'm a small person. I wouldn't trust the door frame I didn't know. I never will again, put it that way. I don't want to. Well, that's the other bit of advice. That's the other bit of advice that my child will say on their wedding day is too grand a year and never trust a door frame that you don't know. I feel like these are things we need to be writing down, right? We need to be keeping it like life advice.

This is what we need. I mean, life advice, I don't know if whether people would be giving it, but I think that certainly, that's two good bits of advice right there that we've accrued. In a way, I think, with a perfect people because you don't want someone

who's really got their life together. You want someone who's like really got, really made a lot of mistakes. This is it, yeah. When you see the people who, you know, when you see the people who are like in their 20s, on Instagram, sitting on the bonnet of an expensive sports car, fanning themselves with the load of notes, you think,

well, it's too late for me to emulate your life. Yeah, that's never gonna happen. That's not in it. It doesn't matter how much I stand up straight, my shoulders back and do pull-ups. Obviously pull-ups is a bad move, because you might have a double-pray on you. Yeah shoulders back and, you know, do pull-ups. Obviously pull-ups is a bad move, because you might have a lot of pain in your knee. Do you clear on the pull-ups?

Two, very conflicting piece of information going on there. Just a very expensive pull-down. LAUGHTER But yes. So you're saying the advice best to take is, don't be like me, rather than be like me. It don't be like the me of the past or the me of the present but the jury's out on future. Yeah, no, it's more than me of the present, isn't it?

Like if Clarkie's saying don't do this because I've just done it. I don't think the advice could come. That's your lying in a pile of plaster. With the guy who just carried your bags in, yeah. So going cough up. Oh man. Yeah, the only thing I think of this is, because I was going to say I might have to up it a bit because of having kids.

I feel like the general damage to the house is greatly increased. The reason I thought of this was, finally after my phone was just, it was giving up the ghost. I thought I'm gonna finally, after my phone was just, it was giving up the ghost. I thought I'm gonna finally get a brand new phone. Now, like the old phone, I always think, you just wanna click onto a phone as long as possible.

You know, I did it with my old laptop, and I worked out, it cost me 18 P a day, my laptop. So delighted when I managed to get a laptop, it was 18 P a day, and I sort of feel that with phones, as well, they're very expensive. You can click onto them as long as possible. That's great. But this phone was constantly telling me

that I had run out of space, run out of storage space. It was overheating really, really bad. But it was, I've part from that. It was still a functional. It looked like a good phone. So it looked like a good phone. It looked like a good phone. The snake was put flawless on it.

It still play it. So I called up to replace the phone and they said, Oh, if you want, you can replace your phone by sending us your old phone and we'll knock off six quid a month for the first two years of your bill. And I was like, That's a great deal.

Six quid a month for two years, absolutely, sign me up. So I said, yes, please, thank you very much, I'd love that. And as they were taking payment for it, there was some sort of problem with their system and they said, we're going to have to call you back tomorrow. I said, fine, don't worry about it, call me back tomorrow. Anyway, went downstairs to make the dinner, and my daughter grabbed my phone and threw it onto a concrete floor. LAUGHTER

The same day it happened. Oh wow. It cracked. It cracked the back of the phone and the camera. Now the reason it wasn't in its case, the protective case was because my other daughter had taken the protective case off a couple of days previously and snapped it in half. So the working as a team. The working as a team. Clevver girl. So anyway, I get a phone call from, I get a phone call, come on girls, I get a phone call from the phone company a couple of days later and they say you're still all right for us to put through the deal you wanted to go for. I said, well, every bit of the deal apart from I can't send you my phone, it's smashed. So we have to go through all the process again, you know, all the, you know,

I basically had to reapply, but immediately I was thinking, well that's like, what is it? About over two years, about 150, 160 quid, something like that. Straight away, I saw it as it was happening. God. Yeah. You know, I just, I just, it was, it just disappeared immediately. And you have to, in that moment, just go, well look, the money was never mine. I'm not gonna have to spend it, I mean, I have to spend extra money,

but I'm not gonna have to pay to replace my phone. Why, I'm gonna have to pay to replace it. I'm gonna say, in my head, it was all so perfect. It all worked out. But, you're losing money do you as you speak? Yeah, absolutely. Maybe if I do all the banking inside my own brain and don't see any of it out loud,

it will seem a lot worse than it actually is. Oh. But yeah, that was where I was and I was thinking, there's every chance I could, I've dropped phones in the past. I could have dropped it myself, but, you know, I probably wouldn't have done. Yeah, I doubt you would have taken the cover off and snapped it and then dropped it off. Oh, the floor.

Taking the cover off, broke it into, and then, you know, whacked it into a concrete floor. No, that wouldn't have been my, it wouldn't have been my enemy. That's maybe, that maybe we can put in our life advice. That's our third piece of advice. Yeah. It's not that going up.

It's not a bad piece of advice. It wasn't designing the rubber phone. This is it. I'm buying a rubber phone, I'm buying a rubber car. Yeah, it is. I scraped my car for the first time. Oh. This car, not previous cars.

And I just thought, if I had a rubber car, it's absolutely mad that we design cars. You just keep like a rubber, you just be a raising a little bit of the corner of your car. Yeah, just like a nice bit of colourful rubber. And then when you nudge against the wall, it goes boring. You know, when you nudge against another car, it goes boring. When you against the wall, it goes boying. You know, when you're nudged against another car, it goes boying. When you drop your phone, it goes boying.

It's insane that we don't apply the same rule as when we make balls. To when we make things like that. Why has Robert got the book? In fact, I can tell you now, and I had some dealings with rubber, not an exciting sexy way. Big rubber. I had some dealings with rubber the other day. And again, this is all adds up to more money. You know we're having the builders in at the moment, they're doing a lot of work. And you want them to be wearing rubber. I have asked that they wear what they bag up.

I have asked they dress like they're at a fetish party. With that is, is that, I mean, they're holding power tools why can't they look like they're at the torture garden? Exactly. You're paying them to be there. Why are you having a role? Some say. Exactly. They've seen I'm wearing a full scuba outfit

that they could do is join me in that. Do you know what I like about that? That's an idea. Is you know what we often talk about in terms of the status shift in your own haves when you've got work people in. And we've talked about that a lot and everyone experiences it.

If you get to decide their dress code, then I don't think that would, I think we'd be able to eradicate that problem. And I think it's much to ask, so pop this on at the door, kind of think. Yeah, we do beforehand in kind of like, please arrive wearing, right? And then you wouldn't feel so intimidated, I don't think, in your own house. Well, it depends what you've gotten to wear. Well, obedience outfit, of course. What would your dream scenario be, though?

If you had some builders, you're gonna come into a Fortnite-worth of work, what would you like them? Smart casual. Smart casual, as if they're coming round to hang out, and then you can just treat them like Smart casual. Smart casual as if they're coming round to hang out and then you can just treat them like their pals. Can you please, and this is a real sticking point for me. Smart casual always throws me for an absolute loop. Whenever that's the dress code, whatever one says it, I'm like, what is, what am I wearing for Spark casual? No jeans.

Right, and a collar. So I'm going with, like, I'm just imagine I could like a tip into hell. I was gonna say that's, that's magic my life. You're describing the heck's on. That's not, I don't think that the robot. I don't think that the robot. No cheats in the color and rubber on me. I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat.

I think if you were wearing jeans, sports jacket and a Fred Perry shirt, that's smart casual. So I don't think no jeans is a hard and fast rule. You are a smart pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of loafers. I mean, you'll be dressed like a twat. But, you're smart casual. LAUGHTER Yeah, Fred Perry's shirt's got a collar on it, right?

That's what... Oh, yeah, but it doesn't have a collar on it. So, the jeans... The collar, that's what we're called, the jeans thing. Yeah, yeah, and I agree with that bit. But the thing I said was, I'm not sure about the no jeans thing, because I think the jeans with a smart rest of the outfit. Yeah, but I think you've just got to take...

You've got to take that, the risk of bad jeans out of the equation. I understand that good jeans can be smart in the right way, but I think by saying no jeans, you send out a message. So, you're getting into... I think you're getting into the realm of smart. Yes, exactly. Smart casual. So like, you get, you have to have,

I have to have left now that I did it this time. So are you saying smart is in capitals? And casual is a lower case, smart, small. First, doesn't it, it's smart casual, not casual smart. Yeah, it's casual smart. I'd say you can wear jeans. But Casual Smart isn't a thing, I don't think. Well, it should. I would say isn't Smart describing the form of Casual though?

So it's Casual, but Smart Casual. Oh, very interesting, yes. Smart Casual. Yeah. I think I don't know the answer. I'm just, we're trying to pick it apart in order to understand it. No, I know. I think that's a strong lead though. But I would say that, if you say no genes, it's kind of, it's the golf route, isn't it?

Like golf makes that step and it works because you're into trousers. And then... But isn't the golf thing that it's quite hard to play golf in jeans? Isn't the golf reasoning that it's flexibility? Or is it a smart, is it, they want people looking good in the clubhouse?

Yeah, it's that. It's not, they're not worried about you. Ha ha ha ha. They've never worried about you. They don't care about the sport. They care about the appearance. Yeah. Otherwise, otherwise you'd wear tracky bottoms. Wouldn't you have one of the tenor government tracksuits?

That's true. Oh, and you're not allowed to wear track suits. You can't go for, you can't go for an attraction. No way ever. Never. Never have a car. I've seen and the fourth bit of advice that we've had. Let's go through our list now. You lose two grand a year. Never trust a door frame.

Can we up it from two grand? It's a really way. Let's just subscribe to these rules. It's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's Yeah. Well, golf in a tracksuit. What about for six grand a year, the No Rules tier? Whoa, you can golf in a tracksuit. You could listen to a trackie. No problem. I love the idea of that, that the Houghty manager of the golf course is like, you know, in his little golf buggy, like, across the course, going, hey, hey, you, how are you, how are you?

You know, see someone dressed like that, you know, Elton John on the civvy's day, and then our listener reaches into their pocket, pulls out their gold card and goes, bing! And he goes, oh, so sorry, so sorry, so sorry, so sorry, so sorry, you know, he's all in the exact trip to the boutique

in pretty woman, he's like, I never, I never, I never, my apologies, anything you want sir, the big, I never, I'm my apologies. Anything you want sir. The big one. The big mistake huge here. It's certainly like yeah. It's not, um, that's pretty accurate with the way life is though, isn't it? It's like if you get to a certain level of wealthy where you don't have to look good

because everyone knows you're wealthy enough and then you just go around looking like shit and it's fine. So there's like, there's like the people who want to be... That's the state we're at. That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't actually know, but we were born incredibly wealthy. There's a lot of... You see, old publicity photos, it's not because we've got no idea how to dress and no one ever told us not to wear those clothes. It's because we're so fucking insane. We're fucking rich.

Didn't matter. Didn't matter. Like these people have never really had to care what they look like. It's quite often the case where you're, you know, there are some people where you'd be like they're wearing a ripped t-shirt that's like fucking 40 years old and and they look very terrible and then you're going to go, okay, you're extremely wealthy and it's fine. You're going to get a kit checked out the hotel like that. You'll be fine. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And then if

we go to a half decent restaurant or half decent hotel, you kind of shit yourself, dress like you're going to a wedding, feel uncomfortable, sat there, and then like some rich, sweaty, clean, clean, clean suit wearing a pair of fucking speedos and just like that. This is my casual look. Of course. I'll go. The reason we're wearing speedos is we're here

to rewire the place. And it's the guy who, the guy who booked us, is all the way there, isn't he? Yeah. This is what we need to do, then, Tom. This is the new system of influencer. So forget all the people who are adult. You know, like all people who are adult up in their finest

clothes and sat on the bonnet of cars. What we need to do is dress as badly as possible and sat on the bonnet of cars, what we need to do is dress as badly as possible, sit on a rubber car. Exactly, a rubber car. A rubber car that's up on rubber bricks. And begin the new tier of aspiration. I think this is a good idea. Rubber bricks is exactly just to jump back the exact model that phone makers should be using.

The rubber brick from swimming, they should start there. And while you're at it, make the phone's waterproof as well. So you would lose your mind every time you drop it down the toilet. Because those rubber bricks were fucking great. Like the fun you could have, like with a rubber brick when you're on the side and you're boinging it around and sliding it about, it's great, fantastic. I think that I still get a real thrill when I think about, did you have to, when you did your, did you do like a proficiency test for like, like rescue it in swimming lessons,

like that kind of thing? Like going down to the bottom and retrieving the rubber brick was part of it. But we had to do a thing where we had to bring our pajamas and put our pajamas on and swim to the bottom in our pajamas, because to see if you could do it wet wearing your clothes. And I can't remember anything more exciting

in the hole of my childhood than the idea of getting to swim in your pajamas down to the bottom to pick up a rubber brick. It was so thrilling. And you felt like bare grills. You were like, I'm ready now to take on the world. I never thought to do it. Do you know what to do? I will say this, proficiency in my yard,

that was only ever cycling. Yeah, the only other time he won't talk about being proficient was in cycling and it feels like you couldn't be proficient in anything else. No, I think it was a badge that you would sew onto your trunks. So you'd have your five meter, ten meter, 20 meter, whatever, and then you'd also have... Brons survival, that's what it was.

Survival, that's what it was. I wasn survival, it was for... That's what's really good about it. Survival, that's what it was. I was gonna say, I was gonna say, life savers badge, but yeah, I think survival badge. Bronn survival badge. Clarke, how come you never got to do it? Well, I was, I done, my first three badges, I was up to grade, and then pink was yet to swim half a mile.

I struggled, they pulled me out, put me in a bottom group. Well, there were only two groups,, put me in a bottom group. Well, there were only two groups, I was basically in a group where people who couldn't swim then. So that was it then, I just couldn't. Half a mile to go. So carry on.

To go to it, like, you know, if you've got most of the way, or some of the way, I think you're taking that thing out there. What did you do as well, then? You could have just had a big sandwich or something. Yeah, I thought, please, so. And we were just doing, like, we had the top end, the deep end of the pool, and we were just doing like laps around. It was certain. And the teacher stopped me and I put my hand on the side. I just went,

I put your hand on the side, you have to go down to the other group. Come on though. I was like, he's so, I'm going to stop. He says, yeah, he should have tried to trow water. He put your hand on the side. But half for me thinks maybe she was like he needs to come out Yeah, but then surely do it with a do it with a bit more kindness then Yeah, so that's that's nearly 800 meters 804 meters. Yeah, just look at that big It's a long way to go to get the what was the what was the pink one? I think what's the yeah, I think it's a long way to go to get the, what was the pink one?

I think what was the pink one? I think that was it. I think the pink was half a mile. No. I don't think we're into the realms of there. I think we're talking 100, I think it was... I was thinking that was the only reason that I haven't had a meal. I think we're dealing in meters, I think.

Half a meter. Yeah, I thought what could it be? I don't think it'd have been 800 meters. It's quite a long way to do it in a pool. But I mean, the first one's five meters, right? So the first badge is five meters. There's not enough. There's not enough for a big one.

There's a big deal. It's a big deal. It's a big leap. It's a huge way to pack up quilts. I did a big leap up to 800. I'd done the first three badges. Yeah, five metres. No, no, no, no. No, the first three life-saving badges.

The first three survival badges, not the first three distances. It wasn't five metres, ten metres, half a mile. LAUGHTER It's poor, poor six-child. Oh, you touched the side. Yeah, ten meters, half a mile. He's poor. I can't buy a sink shot. Oh, you touched the side. Yeah, I'd say so, mate. I can't afford it. I feel like I should be getting outside

and then I can fire in a gardener's head. Had you leapt into triathlon? A triathlon, like a triathlon. I'm trying to get me out. You joined the wrong class. Don't wonder they were trying to get me out. You joined the rock class. I think you're dealing with five meters then ten meters. Then you might be going to fifty meters.

Yeah, a leap. Then what's the survival bet? The survival bet wasn't meters, was it? It was all a bunch of different things you had to do. Like, we make a flotation device out of your pyjama. It was quite a lot for my, my touch pyjama. I tried water. I tried water for a bit.

Take your pyjama top off or your pyjama bottoms off or whatever and turn them into like a different table. I get to, yes, stop talking to pyjamas to school. Turn them into a floatation device that you could then float on. That was always quite tricky, because it's impossible. So a pair of wet trousers. It's a difficult thing with that is it doesn't work. It doesn't work, you can't do it.

Do you want to know? No one has ever been drowning and said, throw me a pair of wet trousers. I'll turn them into a floatation device. They've always said throw me a floatation device. I'd say, well, I've been trying to blow up these trousers for the last 40 minutes. I'm puffing to one leg, it comes out the other leg. I'm puffing to the top, it comes out both legs.

I left the fly open. I tell you what, every single pair of my trousers has a slow puncture as well, right in the crotch. Let me take that out. Those aren't smart cash. No, there's nothing smart cash right in any of my trousers anymore. Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew, and this is a little appeal if you descend us some of your beefs.

You know and you love the episodes we do with our guests called Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, where we solve problems that people might have in their flat-share situation. Well, you, you the listener, dear, could be a part of that. Tom, tell them how. We've all got very small niggles that happen with the people we live with, be them housemates, family members, neighbours. We also have the free, range beef settlement, where it doesn't have to be linked to your home.

It might be in the workplace, someone you come up against and maybe even a system that you want to bring down will do that for you. So how are you? Yes, go for the range, why did you get to the bin? So game touch and send the bin to duck with Big Farmer. We can try and see what they got. Stackle it, sure. I think it's about time we get ambitious about things like that. So get in touch at the following.

Email, spend. Ah, apps. Papies. No, no email ever starts with apps. No, no, no, no. I'll work out from the start. Hush. No, it email ever starts with that. No, no, no, no, no. I'll work out from the start. Ash? Heck!

No, it's not that. It's beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. You can also email us at pappiesflatshareatgmail.com for all your other needs. But beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com is where you send your beefs. And remember, if you're a Patreon member, and you put beef priority in the title, the subject line of the beef,

you will definitely get it read out on an episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Woo, so don't delay beef today. Has beefed it. Cold rain or hot snow? What is sleet it? Has beefed it. 800 meters is your silver survival award.

Oh, there we go. There we go, you could have been doing your silver survival. I don't think so. Because I don't think I did proper odds. You bronzed his 400. 400 metres. Yeah.

What's it that they said? Okay, to get your pink badge, you've got to swim like half a length. You were like, fuck you guys. I'm doing half a mile! You started really, really going for it. I think I'm going for it. I know, like someone's going to get a big stick and put him out the water. Because he's showing off the girls again.

Take him down with a brick and then tell one of our strongest wh, to fish him off the bottom of the pool, holding the brick. It did suddenly feel like swimming was going to be more necessary, the way you go at it as a kid. Yes, that's true, but it is a good app. You go at it, yeah, I mean, I'm not doing it down, it is a good thing to have. I'm not dicking on it, but... No, not dicking on swimming. Thank you for that. Yeah, no, sorry.

Well, I wouldn't do that to you or the swimming community. You know, I love my swimming. But it certainly felt like there'd be a little bit more riding on it, I guess. Right, like... Like riding on what? What are you playing on riding on? Because if you're doing it on dolphins back, I'm afraid Right, because it's like riding on what? What are you planning on riding on? Because if you're doing it on dolphins back,

I'm afraid it doesn't matter if you do 104 metres, you're not getting yourself a survival badge. You get another badge, the doctor do little badge. You try to inflate my trousers on it's blowhole. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm afraid, Willie. We're better than on badge. Yeah, like it just, I think in terms of the amount of badges that were flying around and shit like that, it was all about swimming, wasn't it? Everyone had them on their bags and on their bike. Actually think cycling might be better.

They should have gone more for cycling. Yeah, day in, day out. You can mute. You're more likely to cycle it than swim it. That's a good point. That's a good point. Very swimming to work. He's dead right.

Who's swimming to work? Getting touch. Yeah. It's pleased to get in touch. Plenty of flashier at gmail.com. Do you have to swim to get to work? And no one's going, oh, if only we swam more, then it'd be better for the planet. Like, no one's going off.

Very good. Do some more swimming. Crucially, it's slow. Yeah, that's the problem. It's indulge in everything. It's just a hobby in it. Yeah, it's a place where really we've no business big. It's indulgent.

There must be some people who have to swim for a living, right, some part of their job. I'm a marine biologist. Do you know, it has to do a bit of, surely they've got to get down there. All right, all right, what about this? On a boat. Yeah, but not for the whole thing.

Surely they're getting into the tank and going down for a bit, surely. It's a car ballereteer like that. I don't really know what they're up to. If you were to ask me what they're doing, I wouldn't know. But equally, I was just saying they're getting a tank and they've lowered down. That's not swimming.

Yeah, exactly. Pull on the old pipe. What? Well, it's not what they do in their lunch break, but... I'd say, what? The fish is all gonna tell, are they? The sight of that man to ray, absolutely gets viewer's pure.

Not gonna lie to you. And also, the amount of people becoming marine biologists, it's disproportionate, the amount of people who are piling on the old swimming tip at the start of the fucking life. It's true. It's so true. It's so true. Like in America, they have drivers' heads, don't they? They do a driver's head at school.

And you think, that is the thing, I mean, I know again, not great for the planet, but that's the thing you should be learning, right? Surely there should be a driver's head thing rather than, oh, you've got to learn how to swim. Yeah. Especially, you know, I went to school in Bromley. It's landlocked.

Yeah. I think the main thing is just like, he is like, it's like not dying. He is how not to die. Yeah. So that's the main thing for something, isn't it? Wait, the planet is dangerously overpopulated. Get to the side. It is all you need to be able to do. Yeah. That's it. thing for something, isn't it? The planet is dangerously overpopulated. Get to the side is all you need to be able to do.

Yeah, that's it. Which I could. And then luckily for you, that pool was half a mile long, wasn't it? And you'd fall on that ever helicopter straight into the middle of it. You got all the way to the side and then you popped you on the edge of the rubber brick

and put you down a group. You did 803 metres there. I wish you said this is when you were trying to be a naivy marine, weren't you? Oh yeah, yeah. It was quite intense. Quite intense. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all good stuff there. So, you know what, I do want to be now. It should be training with kids on how to hail a nubah, or how to work like car clubs and stuff like that, because I've had real trouble in the last six months.

I used to have really good, it used to be like a thing you could just do get an Uber. Now it feels like you need to be... You know, Tom, I think it's amazing that you're blaming yourself rather than Uber as a company. But I would say it's not your fault. In this instance, I'm happy to say it.

I'm sorry, excepted. It's not your apology. You're welcome. This is not your fault. Uber is an absolute nightmare as well. And you're talking about being in London rather than being in Exeter. Yeah, I mean, what you should be doing is it should be like how to get home proficiency. Yeah.

So what they should be doing, it's spinning kids round in the middle of a playground, blindfolding them, giving them a phone with 2% on it, giving them a post code and being like, you've got to get yourself there, these are the odd and you've got to get some food along the way. And also, you have it. Yeah, exactly. But we'd kind of replicate that, you know, maybe a lot of sugar. Spitting them around the butt. Exactly. Spitting them around and giving them a bit of sugar.

And maybe tying their shoelaces together. Yeah. So, like, that's not a real problem. So your system is sort of, we're seeing the trousers. And we're sort of like bullying them. You can't even call them the Bobby and kids, though. It's kind of bullying you the trousers. Oh, here's sort of the upright bullying them. Give it up right. We're gonna give you a purple nerple,

we're gonna give you a wet willy, and then we're gonna put you out into the middle of the field and say, get yourself home. Yeah. Well, you wake up hungover. Free legged and maybe would be the one. Like, this feels like something they're doing scouts. Spin the brain, three legged them,

give them a compass. That's the kind of stuff that's gonna stand you in good, and no point just say this is practice for when you're hammered as an adult. Yeah, of course. It's gonna do you better than being able to pick up a brick in your pajamas in the water. Can I ask you Tom, when you are stuck in the center of London,

are you getting the compass out? Well, no, but look, it's like, it's the equivalent of it, isn't it? You're map reading. I'll tell you what, map readings, talking about being in the Sky's and stuff, map readings become more of a thing than we ever thought it would be.

No, you're never not on a map. The ones where we're checking their map, following their maps, looking around. That's your compasses, your planning for that. There's a little thing saying, you around, that's your own compasses you're planning for that. There's a little thing saying, you know, like, you know, when you're in the park and there's got a little thing that says you are here, it's always, you've always got that, so it doesn't just matter. I'm just thinking about what are you gonna do with kids?

Like, you don't want to, you know, you might be dealing with people who's parents aren't gonna give them a phone until they're 10 or something. Sure. So the compasses like a, it's like a youngster's iPhone isn't it in some ways. When were you the kids at the same kind of razzle dazzle? You've been treated. You took a compass into a group of six, six year olds and they'd lose their fucking mind back in the day.

It's so true. Had no idea what it did. The lessons where the compasses came out. They're kind of clear, square plastic. Oh, yeah. There's like, there's like, something so good happening today. What's a real mystery is to have two things

that have very pivotal influence in your early years, both called compass and them being two different things, is fucking insane. Like how did they not? How did they not rebrand one of them? Why would you possibly have a cross over back in the day? When we only ever had about 12 things. Yeah.

So, you know, there was like 12 things in our day today for two of them to be called compass. Yeah, cool. Cool. Cool. One of them, the pointy circle drawer, the other one, the direction finder, it just dispensed with all the compass. And then retired together. Yeah, the entire word compass. Yeah, cool. Cool. What are the, uh, the pointy circle drawer, uh, cool, the other one, the direction finder, it just dispensed with the entire compass. Yeah. Yeah. The entire word compass.

Just get rid of the word compass. We don't need the word compass. In my head, the compass was always the one with the needle that you turn around for north. That's your, that's your OG compass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The map. The weapon compass felt like it was just like, I don't know what it was, lazy labeling or someone trying to hop on the compass train. I don't know how it happened, it's probably. Yeah. What'd you call that, a compass? I mean, they both revolve around the circular shape.

Yeah, but is that enough? But apart from that's not enough, is it? Yeah. You know, protracts a managed it. Amen. Amen. Fucking men, bloody. Finally, finally somebody say it. All other circular things have managed it. Really? Yeah, you think about it. You can't just be on the way to my dinner for a couple of years. No, exactly.

Fucking plates managed it. All the ones managed it. Very sadly, I've left my compass on the hob. I'll tell you, even a fucking sundial managed it. Sundials, they could have easily fucking, you know, but they didn't. Yeah, you feel like a sundial's got the name. Playing to a compass, then most other things,

but no, but also sundial, just it's a cool name. The sundials as well were very exciting. Yeah, if I had a daughter I'd call a sundial Joe I'm gonna do I'm gonna advise my child number five on the bits of advice. Yeah, when you go to school Take a directional compass with you and if anyone ever says get your compasses out Get it out Stayed any maths teacher and, that's the fucking compass mate.

Yeah. And then take a circle with that. Take the other compass, the one that draws the circle, and get them in the neck with it. And then take two grounded finds. Yeah, I thought I think, yeah. Two grounded bail maybe. You lose two grounded year to bail.

That's what I really thought it was. It's a given. Don't worry about it. Josh's father couldn't be with us that day, could he? He was behind bars, but he said the advice. He said a lovely reverse charge is call to us on the day. I'll tell you very quickly what happened with me with the rubber. Oh yes. So every step of the way the builds have found stuff where they're like, we weren't expected to find this when we took up this bit of wall or floor or whatever,

you know, took up this bit of carpet. And the most recent one was they said, oh yeah, I've got to tell you we've opened up some of the wires in your house and the things you've got are illegal. And I said, oh right, it's like old wiring and they went, yeah, it's quite old. It became illegal in the 1950s. old became illegal in the 1950s. So I was, yeah, so I've got a situation in my house where they basically there's some, there's some wiring that is like original to when the house was built which is 1930s and they just never changed it. And the reason they had to change the encasing of the wiring is because they used to encase wiring in rubber and it melts. And maybe that's our problem. Maybe that's why rubber hasn't cut through as the

thing that you make everything out of is that when your phone overheats, your casing's going to melt. Could that be it? This is the reason why you can't have a car or a plane, for that matter. You can't have a, I think, probably planes not a great idea, because you don't want to do a landing and then take off immediately afterwards. You know, just forget about the plane. But the car, certainly, maybe that's the reason.

It's the heat of the engine means that you're going to drive, you know, it says it loses money as you drive off the fork or... You lose quite a lot of money because you drive off. And you'll be driving to the... All the inner puddle. Yeah, all of the inner machinations of a car through a big black puddle. LAUGHTER

Well, you lose a car a year through stupidity. That's what I mean. He's one rubber car a year, due to stupidity. Final lesson. How sweet it is. What's the worst thing you've considered eating? How sweet it is. And here we are, what a treat that was.

Um, yeah. Do you remember, um, Tom, you're talking very slowly. Tom, the oxygen is, well, you were pulling this intro, and then trying the outro together. And I feel like Tom, this is, Tom, you've got to conserve your assures.

Shores, short declarative sentences. As long as you think. I was trying to remember how far up the swimming badge chain I went. Oh, I, I think I got to, I think I got to gold, but I think there was one beyond gold. There's like a platinum badge. And I don't think I got there basically,

but I think I got to gold. What was gold? Gold was... Swim off my... Yeah, it's quite a bit. Swimmer mile, yeah. That's part of it. Yeah, you got to do a lot of swimming, you got to do a lot of swimming pajamas,

and you got to do a whole lot of trellin' water as well, you know. It's just the same but more, basically. Yeah, they're so that they incorporate the slippers and the dresser gown as well. Eventually it was like, it was more, basically every time it was more and more items, you got to wear one of those winky caps, you got to have a couple on a plate, or other sort of bedtime accoutrements. Can youirm whilst also drinking a cup of hallix? It was that kind of thing. Pick this, pick this weighted blanket off the bottom of the pool.

If you can spend it under the weighted blanket on the bottom of the pool, you get the badge. The platinum badge, of course. If you do get the platinum badge, it does tend to, The second you hit the water, you're trunksing to the bottom. That's the problem. You're getting out of the pool with a bear arse and they're like, what have you done? Oh no! Consumption to the bomb in their pajamas. They can get me platinum badge out.

The bomb with a pool. Oh, we have a nice time anyway. So, right. Thank you all that way. So, next time we'll be seeing you at last tube. Yes, please. And we'll hear from you before then, I'm sure. But otherwise, this episode was produced by Emma Corsham.

Corsham, team, team. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Bye.