Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Hoarders Paradise) S14E37

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. 60% possessions cull club has been formed, but there's also a plan for the outfits AND dinnerCome and see Flatshare Slamdown liveCheerful Earful - 20th October - https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-show-20th-oct-ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now, now, now, now, greetings, listener, dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. And thank you very much, by the way, for giving us a little bit of extra bonus jingle there, Tom. Yeah. What we'll probably do is we'll stick a jingle in at the start as we normally do, but it's good to do it.

Yeah, exactly. It's good to give people the analog version a little bit. I think so. It takes the pressure off of Emma, our producer. It takes the pressure off of caution a little bit, doesn't it? If you go, well, I'll just do this bit. And also it demonstrates to the listener that I'm aware of what goes on in the post. You know, like I want to show people that I know jingles go and get added and stuff. I'm with you. Yeah, show's a bit of to announce. A bit of nice, show's a bit of nice. And initiative, and initiative. What the hell is that?

Show's a bit of initiative as well. Oh yeah, certainly, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well anyway, welcome to the show everybody. This is of course a house meeting, a house meeting and we had a lovely, a lovely chat. There's a lot to get through in this episode, a lot to get through. You know, like there's a real journey. I feel like certainly at least one of us goes on a real journey and out the other side.

I mean, whether or not it, you know, whether or not this extends into their their life beyond this episode, we'll have to find out. But I really hope it does. Well, I'm a bit. Yeah, we'll talk. We'll be brief about it afterwards. Because I have I have concerns at the moment. So let's listen and then we'll deal with my concerns afterwards. Hey, well'm a bit. Yeah, we'll talk. We'll be talking about it. After I have concerns at the moment. So let's listen and then we'll deal with my concerns afterwards. Well, before we talk about concerns, let's talk about our next live

Flat Shares Slamdown, which is at the Cheerful Earful Festival on October the 20th. Now we have decided Cheerful Earful Festival October 20th. We decided it's going to be a Halloween special. Yeah. First ever. Yes! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho You know, the big beard, the red sort of three quarter length sort of Ringmaster type coat, but it's also got the white fur trim on it. A big top hat instead of the Santa's hat. I think it's evil circus Santa is a good character, man. But yeah, we're encouraging if you're coming along to dress up in fancy dress, I think that should be that should be good fun.

The theme will be Halloween themed and the guests are so spooky as to have not been booked yet. Whoa, ghosts. It's the invisible guests. But yeah, so that's happening on the 20th of October.

Tickets from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. But get over to the Cheerful Airful website as well, because loads of other of your favourite podcasts are being recorded over at the Bedford in Ballum and many other locations beside. It's a fantastic festival, but we would especially love to see you there. 8pm, the Bedford pub in Ballum,

Cheerful Airful festival on the 20th, Sunday, the 20th of October. It's a great one. And if you are a, if you're a Patreon member, I believe you can get discounted tickets. So what a joy, what a treat. What a joy and what a treat.

Speaking of joys and treats, enjoy this episode. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the flat. House meeting. What temperature should we set the heater? House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting. What's the point? Does House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting!

House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting!

House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting!

House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! House meeting! for the idea that we get rid of anything we don't need. The quota is 60%. 60% of all items. How are you measuring that? Can we shed 60%? And it's very much targeted at me. Can you shed 60% of your things,

which I understand, because I am by far the biggest- Thing hoarder. Owner of stock in the house. Shall we say that's that's true of me too. Owner of stock by the way is a really nice bit of sort of like PR isn't it? Because owner of stock really suggests that it's wealth. It's wealth.

It's something of importance as well. You're talking it's something we'll appreciate in value. You know, whereas I've seen your stock, mate. It's t-shirts. It's a lot of t-shirts. So in 60%, like... 60%? Like you're going to put a tarpaulin out on the back lawn.

That's the dream. And just lay everything you own and then just sort of basically, you know, kind of bifurcate it down the middle and Moses it And then put up a sign and say help yourself to that side Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah pick a side off you go, but that's the dream. What's the show where? Who does it fuck it or it was is it Stacey Solomon or someone? Puts all everything you own on the floor. Oh That's kind of the pitch of the show.

You get an aerial photo. I've never seen it, but I just know of it. Like, are you thinking of a heart attack? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is that basically. Coming back, it's coming back. It's basically that. They heart attack everything you own, and then they go, well, there it all is, look.

And then you see it as one aerial shot, and you get to go, whoa, that's a lot of stock. And then Stacy Solomon wanders around telling you to, I don't know, get rid of your Jurassic Park VHS, I guess. I haven't seen it, but I think that's the gist. Yeah. I feel like that's a good idea for you. You need a Stacey Solomon in your life to come in or a Marie Kondo or whatever.

Have you got rid of anything yet? Have you sort of like as a sign of good faith, have you sort of gone, well, look, first of all, we're getting rid of, we're getting rid of our youngest kid. We're not going to willy nilly, you know. Oh, you're doing it in one fell swoop. It's a scorched earth. The Axeman arriveth on a day and Culls commence. Yeah.

What day is that, Tom? I'm going to kick it into the new year, I think. Yeah, no, I knew it. Yes, this is the pro, I absolutely felt Jane's pain there because I knew, you're like, I'm not going to do it bit by bit, I'm going to do it all in one day. By the way, that will never happen, that day will never come. But have you had, that's my question to you guys, do you think you could stand a 60% cull of your things? I'm not talking joint things. I'm not saying go into the kitchen

and lose your blender. No, of course. I'm saying you're looking at your clothes, a 60% goes. No, definitely. 100%. I could not 100%. I don't mind it. I could definitely do with a 60% cull because I reckon I mean, you know, I need to tell you this. I wear about five things. Yeah. They kind of go onto the drying rack occasionally. If we're in a, you know, if we're really doing well that week, that will get up on the, you know, up on the shelves or into the wardrobe. But that's pretty rare. So it will go from me to washing machine to drying rack to me to washing machine to drying rack. And two of those t-shirts I also own.

So now I've had to start factoring in if am I going to see Crosby wearing this t-shirt? I probably shouldn't wear it because it is in his rotation and it is a famously tight rotation. Absolutely tight t-shirt. The more I wash them the tighter they get. We should never have swapped shirts. It's tight on me. It's a classic end of a flat slam, isn't it?

It's a boob tube on you more than a t-shirt. I could definitely do with a 60% curl. In fact, I'm sort of basically doing, do you know what, man? I'm very tempted to join you. Yeah. It feels like a good thing. It feels like a kind of a lifestyle thing where it's like, have you done the 60% call? You got to do it, man.

Honestly, you'll feel incredible. You know what? First, I've got so many t-shirts that just are like, are basically no longer fit to wear. But because I like the band they're associated with. Amen, brother. Yeah, the Amen Brothers. I will not get rid of that. That's when they went solo. It was Amen, brother. It was the Amen Brothers. I will not get rid of that. That's when they went solo. It was Amen Brother.

Just the Amen Brother. Quite confusing because they were both touring under that name, weren't they? You never knew which one you were going to get. Yeah, I used to go to see David Van Dees' Amen Brother. That's how you knew it was different. But yeah, no, I think that's a really, I think it's a really, really good policy. I think it's a really good policy. And actually, do you know what? I toured every house I lived in with a variety of boxes, right? Maybe sort of seven or eight boxes. Yeah. And one night before we moved from the place we were in to the place we're in now, Charlie said, I'm going out. You are going to to those seven boxes into one box because you never open

the boxes. They love a cold don't they? And so if anything, I mean, my maths is poor, but that's more than 60% I was getting rid of. Yeah. You just got one giant box though, didn't you? And she said, I'm going to come back in, you know, two or three hours, whatever it was. Yeah, pissed out of my mind.

With the flamethrower. Yeah. But she said, so you cannot go mind. With the flamethrower. Yeah. But she says, so you cannot go, oh, I'm sorry, I got distracted. I found a copy of Select magazine from 1997. I want to read the interview with R.E.M.

You can't do... That's the problem, exactly. That Select magazine did make it. So you can imagine the shit I was throwing away. I've still got the copy of Select. It's very, very good. And I still read it. But yeah, I think a got the copy of select. It's very, very good. And I still read it.

But yeah, I think a 60% call for me would be a hugely beneficial thing physically and mentally. And if you want to, if you want to, like, you know, make a little WhatsApp group. I mean, it's not really a group, it's just the two of us. But if Clark is involved, I mean, we've already got a lot of us. But, you know, a separate WhatsApp group of like, today I'm going to go 60% on all of my t-shirts. Yeah. I think it's a good thing, man. Well, look, we've included him in the WhatsApp group, but Clarky met it with a very firm no. He doesn't want to be involved. So let's,

yeah, what let's hear the case against because that I was expecting that from all of you. Actually, I thought this is going to be 60% Cole. Clarkie's just like not on board. It's not that I'm not on board. I've done it in the past, but I don't have I don't have the you don't have enough stuff now. You don't do 60% of your 40%. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Okay. Okay. Do you reckon you did 60? Yeah, I've got like, for all of my t-shirts, I've got a small drawer, like it's a half width drawer. Reasonably deep, but it is like, it's like one of those skinny units. But you've also got that storage unit in Balham, right? Yeah, of course.

That's where he sleeps, that's the different thing. By the way, if you do know any skinny units, I've got some t-shirts I need to get rid of. Give me eight months, man, I'll be a skinny unit again. Please, I'm buying it small. I'm wearing it large. I do also have a bunch of t-shirts from when I first started running when I lost a considerable amount of weight.

And I was like, well, I guess I'm wearing skin tight clothes. Like every bloke in his 40s who starts running, you get to that point And I was like, well, I guess I'm wearing skin tight clothes. You know, like, like every bloke in his 40s, he starts running. You get to that point where you're like, oh, I've lost so much weight. I couldn't afford to wear really skinny jeans and really skinny t-shirts. And then you're like, no, these look awful. Yeah. Cross-bait. I do not know what you're talking about here. I did. The large t-shirts in my wardrobe mock me. Who was that man buying large t-shirts in 2017? Because you're just at a marathon. I know.

He's so bad. He's pathetic optimist. Yeah. Just showing up in, I was constantly wearing like, I was buying extra small, that's how tiny I am. I was buying extra small t-shirts and I was wearing extra small t-shirts and they would, even then, sometimes they'd be a little bit sort of tight around the armpits just not supposed to be worn by anything other than 14 year olds but yeah I was I was going for that and they they do they do mock don't they you open up and you think oh yeah maybe I'll wear this shirt no can't you you absolutely can't yeah shirts in the wardrobe that you can only wear open with a t-shirt underneath.

I've got a few of those now. Yeah, a lot of white shirts that I bought from Vinted. Yeah, I thought because small is a small is a broad church when you're shopping on Vinted. Sometimes you buy it and you or sometimes you buy it and then you don't realize it's got very specific wash instructions and then you're fucked basically. But you can't throw it's got very specific wash instructions and then you're fucked basically but you can't throw it away because it's nice

Well it's like put it in the washing machine though, thank you It's got all of it's got to go I think you know what I feel so good about this if anything I want this episode to be 60% shorter so I can I'll tell you what it is as well I've got two deadlines today that's the reason why I want to do it I'm like you know what I really need to do tied to that office space

That's what I need to do and throw out my DVD of office space So my dream is to if I had a couple of weeks. I was gonna photograph everything Yeah, so that I've got like because I've got boxes and boxes in the loft of you know old letters old love letters You know all that kind of stuff Don't throw out your love letters though tom I genuinely think that's about that's a bad move Don't I want to photograph them and then throw them out and then I'll have a digital

stock and then throw them out and then I'll have a digital stock of all the things and every t-shirt that I love but I know I can't wear anymore you photograph it and then look I don't want to I don't want to suggest an art exhibition at Mac is your Instagram about to get really really good because I know you've finally you flirted with Instagram okay no you've had some moments you've had some moments. You've had some moments when you've been strong on Instagram. The three witches famously. Three witches famously. Your period of Macbeth related Instagram posts in around 2013 was very, very strong.

Heavy is the head. I would say... I would say that that is an instant follow for a lot of people. If you're doing the cull... Is this an axe that I see before me? It's even set up a new Instagram to be, I'm culling 60% of my stuff. Here's my digital record of what I'm culling.

Because you know, like we have talked about this before because I'm fascinated by it, by how much it sort of scares me. And the fact that it scares me is important. Michael Landy's project, you know, Michael Landy, who was married to Julian Waring when he did 100% and he put it all through a woodchipper. And that was his art project. It was that he took all of his property and he woodchipped it all. And he had, you

know, he had family members. It was a breakdown. It was cool. It was cool. Oh, but all great performance art is a big breakdown, isn't it? You look at the career of Gillian Waring, you look at the career of Tracy Emin, you know, they're all big breakdowns.

Gillian's not wearing that anymore. Gillian ain't wearing your t-shirts anymore, they're going in the chipper. But like, he also, because he was part of the, you know, the young British artists, he had work by other artists. And he was like, no, chipping it he had work by other artists and he was like, no, chipping it. And so all these artists were calling up going, Hey, I'll buy it back off you for like twice what it's worth, but please don't chip my eyes. No, I'm doing it. Remember when Joe Lyset did it, but it was just to have a pop at IKEA. IKEA weren't

paying their taxes or some shit. Turns out there is another world where you leave it to you leave it up to the masses. Now that could be an art exhibition. You take a photo a day of a thing and then the public decide whether it's called or not. Love it or list it. How many things do you need to get rid of? Because if 60% is like 60 items, you can do that. But I've got a feeling that project is going to take about 10 years. But it could be the making of me and the end of my marriage. How long is it going to take to upload photos of 10 different t shirts? Or you could do, you know what you should

do as well. You know what you should do. Oh yeah yeah like a sort of schrodinger's cat you need to have a mystery box where you get your cat you get you get your you get your your wife to box you up a mystery box right and then you put it to the members of the public and she's taking a photograph what's in it but you can get to the photograph until it's been dispensed of wow there's something about this it feels like it feels like you're like, there's a sort of like, you know, a kind of a big squid game of your own property. I like it. I think it's really good. I want you to do this job. Yeah. Another way to squid game it, which is quite a good twist, is every day two items go again. This is the 50% call to begin with, every day two items go against each other.

Two items picked at random. The public decides the loser goes in the bin. So some days it could be really fucking intense because it's like, oh God, these are two absolute keepers, one's going to go. Are you binning? Because I think in this day and age you want to be sort of taking stuff down the charity shop. Binning's never binning is it? It's like it'll go to my shed. No no no no no no no you cannot have the shed. You cannot say it's going in the shed. The danger is the call is

hopefully for this house move. If the house move goes through there's a big shed garage and that is I think Jane's fear. Yeah. She knows there is a absolute hoarders paradise waiting for me to fill. And you will be spending most of your life in it. You will be spending most of your life living in the garage. If you have to move into a house and you take away. It's my nest made out of old t-shirts. It's definitely one of those things that you have to do before you move because it really takes like we did it.

We did a big chunk of the throwing away after we moved. Yeah. And it made the first few weeks of living in a house really painful because you're not just trying to see where everything goes. you're also trying to see where everything doesn't go. I think do it now, Tom, get the public involved, get the listeners involved, get Instagram involved, get some sponsorship. I think this could be the making of you.

I love it. I think it's a fantastic idea. I know it, but hey, here's the thing. The worst position for an artist to be is, say it with me, a comfortable one. Not my words, the words of Pablo Picasso. And you need to get yourself into an area of discomfort. You already are in this area of discomfort and that is where the truly great art is created. Picasso said that and then behaved in such a way that he should never feel comfortable

for all of his life and that's why he's such a good artist. He makes everybody feel comfortable. He was making artists of all of us in many ways. Yeah, okay. Okay, I mean look, I'll keep you posted. No, no, don't post it. What do you do? If I see a mystery box arriving at my front door, it's going straight into recycling.

What would you say to Roman Keaton? Probably nothing at all. What would be, I guess you can't say, can you? You've got to, because you can never say, here's my favourite t-shirt and a t-shirt I don't give a shit about, which one should I get rid of? You've got to present it. And I think maybe even you're good. Maybe you're even not even doing like for like, maybe you're doing t-shirt old mug, which one? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just two things that go up against each other.

Two random things. At random. That one of them has to go every single day. iPod speaker versus wedding tie. Do you know what? The wedding tie feels, it feels hard to get rid of the wedding tie, but you're like, why do I need the wedding tie?

But surely, surely you've got enough space for a wedding tie. This is how it starts, Clarky. This is how it starts. Yeah, but you've got space for it, but are you wearing your wedding tie? Are you wearing it to other people's weddings? So then you become your tie. You can't wear your own wedding tie to someone else's wedding. You don't want to upstage the groom. Yeah, it's rude to wear all those flashing lights, isn't it?

Can you believe it? He's got to wear his wedding tie. Everyone's looking over. Wow. He's done it again. He's got it there in his wedding tie. Everyone's looking over. Wow. He's done it again. He's done it again. Just to go back to the idea, this was something that I love the idea of. Swapping shirts, right? Footballers, when they play the classic games against each other, when two big guys come up against each other, or if you play against the legend of the game, then at full time, you go over, you swap shirts, you have a handshake, and footballers have in their houses like a trophy room, but it's full of shirts

of the people they've played against. Tom, if you're gonna move from having a drawer full of t-shirts to having a wall full of framed ones, I don't think Jane's going to be happy. Well, at least they're on the wall. They're hung up. I like the idea that he's like, no, no, no, I've swapped all my t-shirts for Crosby's t-shirts. They're much smaller. They take up less room. If anything, they're 40% of

the size of my t-shirts. That's what I like the idea of. Like say you've had a great time with, you've been somewhere you've had a great time and at the end of it you swap shirts and you keep somebody else's shirt like- I'm not falling for that twice. End of the road 2022, you look at Garrett Millerick and you're like we've nailed this weekend together and then you swap shirts, you know, you shake hands, there's a nice photo and then on your wall is the sweaty relic. That's good, I do like that. That's no way to refer to Garrett. Sorry yeah, the sweaty relic's shirt. The Shroud of Millarick. The idea of like, and you look at your collection and you're like, oh yeah, that was from that

comedy gig. That's Ivo Graham. When he headlined. That was an unprovable journey how he made some. Well, he's got my shirt. I've got his. Like there's a shirt swap. He's got room for another. I mean, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you could do that. I mean, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing, though, right? It has to be incredibly mutual, right?

Oh, yeah. If you're going to take your shirt off and the other person goes, now, this wasn't a shirt off type occasion, that then ruins the night for you. It tarnishes the night forever. Well, footballers have to do it. You kind of give a little... there's like a sort of recognized gesture where it's like, you know, you give a little tug and you kind of go, yeah. And

it's like, no. Can I just ask what you're tugging? No, no, no. It's not, it's not that kind of procedure. Give him a little tug, whip your shirts off. Yeah, it's a great- Maybe give this a wash before you put it on the wall. We've all had those nights at like festivals or gigs where like you have a sudden bond with someone

who you barely ever see. You have this amazing time together. You probably aren't gonna see each other again for two years. You might not see each other again. And it's like off you go two different ways. And you like go, if there's just this souvenir, you've got that of mine. I got that yours.

I love that. So I felt like if I get to, there's a reason footballers do it. I think it's cause it's, it's a really great, you know, it's cause they're off their chops on Mandy. And I guess, I guess the more cynical listeners amongst us might be thinking, what if you see someone with a nice t-shirt? Yeah. It's the start of the night, you think, no, that is a good quality, that is heavy cotton, that is.

That's a 70 quidder from, you know, that's a small boutique company online. And then you go over and you make friends with them, you hang out, you give them the best night of their life just to get the shirt swap. Hey, if you've given them the best night of their life though, then you've earned it. You've earned it. Yeah. There was a night in Edinburgh, we were at an end of Edinburgh party and people started swapping clothes and it was one of the funnest things ever. And everyone in the club was swapping clothes and then swapping clothes again and you'd see someone wearing your clothes that you hadn't swapped and everyone was wearing other people's clothes and oh my god it was so much fun it was a lot and he just

kind of like instilled that into you know you go to like a great event you come home from a wedding with someone else's shirt you know Amanda's husband he was brilliant man he was a top laugh that's his shirt I feel like you and Amanda's husband would be the two guys at the wedding that everyone's WhatsApping about the next day. Yeah, and then obviously there's a romantic element to it, you know, you never know. You kind of have a chance encounter with someone, then they're like, do you want to swap shirts? And in the tag of the shirt is your number.

Could be something romantic in it. Yeah, but then what if they don't realize that and they swap it with loads of different people? Oh no, no, no, no, no, that shirt's specifically for her actually. No, could you, sorry, can I swap that back with me and then I'll swap it back with her again if that's all right. Not my number just being passed around willy-nilly.

It's like a modern day Cinderella. I could also see it becoming quite corporate as well. Like, you know, Mr. Yashamati's in and we're meeting. Someone who's never worked in a corporation but has watched a lot of sitcoms from the 90s. And then it's like, and now we've swapped the shirts and you kind of go, yes, there you go, there you go, handshake. And that goes on the office wall. You know, like, so what are you go, there you go. Handshake, and that goes on the office wall. You know? Like the entire office. So what are you wearing?

If you're swapping shirts and they're going on the wall, are you just standing there shirt at the frame? The photo of the shirt swaps going on the wall. Then the shirt you wear home and then you keep it at home, I guess. Well, I don't know. Can I ask, at what point in the process of the shirt swapping is the photo taken?

Because it will just look like two men wearing shirts. No, no, no, no. You have to do like an arrow pointing to the shirt. By the way, Mr. I'm not going to say his name, he's wearing my shirt. Mr. Yasharati gave me his shirt. But what we're after is Bobby Moore and Pele. Right, that's the dream. Hey, we're all gave me his shirt. But what we're after is Bobby Moore and Pele. Right, that's the dream. Hey, we're all after that, mate.

So that, it's that, but in everyday life. And I feel like that's the, you know, it's the iconic image to just legends in their shorts showing respect and swapping shirts. I do think there's a lot going for it. I can tell. I did like it. The more you've talked about it, the more you've talked the out of it to

me. That's true. That's so true. It was an idea. I was kind of like, you know what? I was 60% on board at the start of that and now I'm not even calling you a legend. Cold. Cold cold my enthusiasm. Great show. My problem is that the, my problem is that I don't think I could, like there aren't that many situations where, you know, unless I'm at a Sylvania families convention, I don't think I'm going to be able to scramble on a cloak. It would just be me walking around looking like the

final scene out of Big, you know, like just flopping around in other people's clothes while somebody's slowly asphyxiating. Yeah, well here's the contingency. Everybody, what you do is you carry, you carry a spare t-shirt in your bag, right? So that, so that, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, you swap the, you swap the shirts and then you can wear your own shirt home, but you've got the shirt as a souvenir basically. Yeah, but then someone might want to swap with that one home, but you've got the shirt as a souvenir basically. Yeah, but then someone might swap with that one. I think you've got to have an under vest now. If you're on scintillating form on the night bus, you've had such a good night, you're recounting how good a night you've had and someone's like,

this is fucking brilliant actually. Can we get on this? Let's switch up. In fact, that'd be a great, great way to do your call Tom. Take out a hundred t-shirts and see how blistering form you can be on that you swap away all of your t-shirts. I tell you what, listen to dear, if you see me at a festival or a gig in the next year, let's try and get a real life shirt swapping. Okay. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And can I just, I believe I speak for Clarky. This is just Tom's promise. This is not a kind of across the papi's promise. Tom's t-shirts, Matthew is trousers. I've only got two pants.

What's good about us from a t-shirt point of view is we're kind of, we cover the size kind of gamut range. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like we've got, we're kind of pretty, I think, I don't know if we do. I think we've got one small. It feels like we used to and I'm not pointing fingers. I'm not saying our mediums let himself go. Tough times. Ironically, the medium didn't see it coming. I mean, it's basically a more joie de vivre form of business cards if we cut down to it. And I was like, I was thinking about business cards just the other day about like, it's

a lost art form. And I kind of regret never really embracing the business card at the time. Here's the thing there, Tom, and you will agree with this. If you ever met a comedian, especially when they first, when you first started, like an old comedian who had a business card across the board, they were dog shit. Yeah. Right. If you met them and before the gig, they said,

first, if they were talking to you before the gig, you always knew they were dog shit because everyone should be sitting there shitting themselves and then you could talk after you get. But if they talked to you before the gig and they said, oh, by the way, here's my business card. And this is the other mad thing as well. If it is a business card that had a website on it. I was going to say website website was the next thing. You can't have a website. You don't deserve a website. You've done four gigs. You're not allowed to

spend too long on the website and not enough time on the material. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If they had it. Yeah. So speaking of material, do you want this t-shirt? By the way, this has been the best night of my life. But there was something good about it, like, you know, about the notion of a business card. Ever since you saw American Psycho, you've always wanted one, haven't you? It's bold. It was only since I've started killing people. It's like, you just want to go.

That's the problem is you keep leaving your calling card and you're going to get caught one day. That's going to catch up with you. Yeah, you're lucky they're out of fashion because everyone's like, fucking shut that. The business card killer. The business card killer isn't really, yeah, he was beaten to death by a philofax. It's a really short true crime series where it's like, but the killer's left his business card.

Okay, let's go and arrest him then. Ah, damn it! We've given you an extra 10 years for the clip art. Yeah, I think we've got a lead on this killer. He's at Geocities.com forward slash. Oh no, his website's out of construction. He evades us again. Curse you penguin doing a backflip. I guess it's primitive social media, I guess, isn't it really? When you look at it. Sorry Tom, we have to ask you.

What the bloody hell are you talking about now? We've seen your Instagram. You know all about primitive social media. One post every six years. I can't. That how comfortable people have come. But sorry, how comfortable people. Here we go on that. Come on.

How comfortable people are now talking and walking like they're just talking to someone and then sending that out to everyone. That's the bit I can't I can't get to that. And it feels like that's what you need to be able to do. Well, Tom, you have just talked into a microphone for like half an hour. He's not walking. You're sitting in a shed.

And you're here. Yeah, but that doesn't really matter. You're doing it for your audience, aren't you? You're doing it with the audience in mind. Yes, admittedly, we are talking to each other. But these people are talking to their many, many followers, no? I have a dream of being the new Southwest food Instagrammer. Oh, yeah.

Because it's like, who's bringing that food energy online in the southwest? Is it specifically southwest kind of food? Why does the... Pasties? I can't purely be pasties can I? The pasty guy. It's not bad. Actually it's not bad at all.

Well there's already the Colonel King. Are you familiar with the Colonel King? We gigged with the Colonel King. Yeah, he gave us his business card. He gave us a pasty, which had his. I mean, actually, that's I think if your business card is a pasty with your name on it, then I accept it. You know, yeah, it's great.

But then later on, you're like, Oh, what was that guy? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll eat him. And yeah. So what kind of foods are you talking about in the in the in the southwest? So what you do, you just you're visiting any food. You're eating food in the southwest. I'm eating food in the southwest and I'm telling you about it.

That's that's that's what you need to do. That's what people like. Yeah. Yeah. I like people ordering food, eating food and talk about, oh, they like people. What I've got two ideas. One is to become the Southwest food Instagrammer. The second is to be a Instagram chef person, but every time I just make spag bol. Yeah.

So it's like I go, today I'm gonna be doing chicken on crout. And then I go, right, first you get the mince. And then you chop the onion. And then I go right first you get the mince And and then I serve up spag bol every time but you call it chicken on crete Are you making are you changing the recipe of the spag bol at all? It's identical yeah It's just like have you seen this guy online who? Just cook spag bol every time and they'll be like that'll be my thing and then this you know the sponsors all fall in like I get

fucking Gordon Ramsay pans Tom can I just tell you now you're on to something there because the algorithm loves similarity that's what it's right yeah so you're actually that's that's exactly what it wants the algorithm wants that the explore page wants that as well so if it's you in a chef's hat with a placeless bag bowl as your little title page,

but it says chicken en croute on it, people are going to go, hang on a sec, I'm going to click on that. Hang on a sec. Yeah, it's good. And then in three years time, it'll be like, I'm here with Tom Kerridge and today we're going to show you how to cook the best beef brisket you ever tasted in your life. First, you put the mince in, then you chop the onions. Stranger things have happened. I think you can do it. I think that's got, I think it's got legs.

And then, you know, within three years you're selling merch and shit. The one thing you have to learn to be a food, uh, Instagrammer, cook a person is you have to flick up an onion. I've learned the word chef before you start your cook a person. You can't call them chefs. Can you? Most of them are just doing like fucking egg on toast. Yeah, they're not very attractive or anything. So you go like, I'm attractive is a really good Instagram page by the way. Yeah, it's the one that I can't do. really good Instagram page by the way. You should definitely get one. Yeah, it's sadly one that I can't do.

Egg on toast and I look like an egg. I mean, you could do that. Oh, me on toast? Cook what you look like. Me on toast, me on toast is, please call your Southwest food blog me on toast. What you gotta learn to do is flick an onion up in the air and catch it on the knife

and then turn and chop it. Wow. And once... Flip that, throw a knife in the air, catch it on an onion. I think that's more impressive. Throw a knife in the air, catch it on your head. Well, today you are cooking you. It's me on toast.

He only released one video, but it was a good one. It's me on toast. He only released one video but it was a good one. He sell and taped a piece of toast to his chin and then threw a knife in the air. It was unbelievable. The Instagram snuff account, there's not enough of them really is there? Tom Kerridge was there, the police spoke to him it he didn't know what was going on why are you wearing this t-shirt then if you don't know? oh man I say I'm gonna cook something else I cook spag bol and then I swap shirts with whoever I've cooked it with you're telling me that's great that's gonna do gangbusters that is

absolutely I had watched that channel yeah you just never reference it and you just serve a lovely plate of spag boling go. There you go. Chicken on crew. And you could do like, you know, like those outdoor fucking, you know, you can be by the beach and like fucking start a log fire. And it's like today we're going to do a pretty rustic muscles boule or whatever it's called.

It doesn't, you know what? It doesn't matter does it? It could be called mussels boule or whatever it's called. We've come to the seaside where the produce is nice and fresh. We're gonna show you here how to make an incredible fish bass. Holy shit, this guy knows his stuff. And he opens up his Sainsbury's Mint. Sainsbury's Mint and you just cook a smag bottle. I love it, man. I love it. And you know, you can sometimes get bemused locals right at the end and you go, have a taste of that. Have you ever tasted mussels like it? No. Yeah, good.

Let's take that. That's all I need. Get that up. Me on toast! Yeah. There's something in that. Get that up. Me untoast. Yeah. I guess something in that. I've just got to get, I don't know how to. Cook. I don't even know how to make, I don't know. Well, I can cook a spag bol. That's where I got the idea from.

I haven't got any of those, I haven't got any of those hex pans, which is what you need. You need to be cooking on a hex pan. No, they're too expensive. Else you're not allowed on Instagram. And I don't know how to make an Instagram video. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Yes you do, Tom. Tom, you do. No, I don't. I don't. You do. No, it's edited. Yeah, just do it in iMovie. You can do it on your phone.

I don't know how to do that. You've got iMovie on your phone. We'll have iMovie on it. You can do it. You can learn today. It's so simple. You could do it. But I believe in you. We'll swap tops and away we go. I'm cull. You can learn today. It's so it's so simple. You could do it. But I know I believe I'll come around to you or swap swaps and away we go. I'm cully I'm culling

today lads. I know. So I called my phone. My phone and all my minutes. It was phone or laptop. I called my name. But yeah, Tom, I back you in all your endeavors. I think the 60% cull, I'm definitely into it. That's an Instagram account. We've got free Instagram accounts out of this. shirtswap.co.uk. That's not an Instagram account. Me on toast.

That's a weird site. Me on toast. Me on toast. Me on toast.gov.org yeah yeah that's another Instagram account. Geocities.co.uk forward slash me on toast. The final one's a business card. Perfect. Yeah I love it I love it.

Good luck man. Welcome to the digital age. I'm loving it. I love it. Good luck, man. Welcome to the digital age. Goat impressions. Let's hear you bleating. Wow. There you go. What a lovely episode. It is a lovely episode. My fear, though, gents, is I feel like I have given away. Oh, really? The good idea.

Like, if people have listened to that and it's out there, then when I start doing it, people are going to be like, oh yeah, there's that thing that he does. So he said he was going to do. Do you know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Cause I think Tom and I love our podcast dearly, but I think our podcast compared to your Instagram in say 18 months time will be a very niche concern. Okay. Okay. It won't be that guy from the podcast does this Instagram account. It'll be like, Oh, this guy with an Instagram account apparently also has a podcast. That's what that's where I see for you with any of your many different either you're straight down the middle cooking in the Southwest. Yeah. You're eating food in the Southwest. You know,

if you, if you become like the pengus munch for the Southwest, I think that could happen for you. Yeah. And I think the cooking a spag bolbert saying it's other foods, that's absolutely got legs. That's the one, isn't it? Or the 60% cull. Yeah, I think really, if we're if we're being brutally honest, the guy cooks a spag bol loads of different times and pretends it's,

you know, pineapple upside down cake. Fantastic. That's the one. That's the one. That's the one, isn't it? That's the one. Because let's be honest, the 60% cull isn't going to happen. You're not doing it, are you? I could tell even as we were talking about it. The mad thing is, Jane has convinced me to do a 60% cull and it affects her life in no way whatsoever. All Jane has done is made my wife's life slightly better. Yeah. And my life slightly better actually, because I need to get rid of a load of shit. I've got too much shit in my life.

A more profound question that we didn't get onto is does it, does it lead to you culling 60% of your contacts in your phone? Oh my God. Whoa. Oh, well I would say that I feel like, you know, like, you know, the iPhone does a thing where like the apps after a while ago, you don't use this anymore. We're going to just offload it. It's not taking up space on the, you know, I feel like I will do that for us soon.

Yeah. Cause cause let's think about it. There are going to be people on your phone who you messaged, you know, at one point, but haven't probably message for six, seven, eight, nine, ten years. They're still on your phone. Yeah. But you don't need them to But you don't need them to be there. I think, you know what would be a great thing was if, yeah, if every morning you woke up and you got your list of these people, you know, when it says on Netflix, you know, this is only on for six more days or whatever. If they say, look, do you really need this person's phone number

you haven't used it in a decade and you could go you know what I'm gonna rekindle that friendship or go you know no let's let's end it let's end it like who the fuck is Liam Volkswagen Golf I've just found that in my contacts did you buy a Volkswagen Golf off him I did maybe buy a Volkswagen Golf yeah I mean that's yeah but you don't need the number the mystery has been Volkswagen Golf off him? I did maybe buy a Volkswagen Golf off him. That'll be it. Yeah, but you don't need the number. The mystery's been solved. It's that or he's just got a very ostentatious surname.

He's honestly, his family, I won't tell you what they do for a living, but they've got a lot of money. They've got a lot of money, they're doing very, very well for themselves. They don't need an Instagram account. Oh by the way, we should say today's episode is brought to you by the good people at Volkswagen Golf. Yes, yes, yes.

Also, if you like what we do. Tom, yes, sorry. Tom, one more time, one more time. Very, just one more time without the yawn. If that's possible. Let a bit of oxygen into the shed and then I'll be all right to go. As one of the top voiceover artists in this country, we love your Sainsbury's campaign. Bring some of that energy to the dying light of this podcast.

We're in. Okay, there we go. The oxygen's gonna hit. Okay, here we go. Here we go. He's back. He's back, guys. And if you like what we do, get along to Patreon at patreon.com.co.uk forward slash pappies

and you'll be able to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Tom, Tom wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Come round please! £4 a month you'll get an extra podcast on the Thursday! Perfect. He's dead. He's died. He's taken off. He died as he lived promoting the Patreon. Badly. So we'd love to see you at the Cheerful Eelful folks.

We would love to see you at the Cheerful Eelful folks. We would love to see you. We would love to see you over at the Patreon as well. Please, please do join. It's a great pub. But most of all, yes, the Cheerful Eelful is a great pub. The Patreon is like a great pub. It is, yeah. It's like a digital pub without any booze.

Yeah, we'd love to see you over there. Have a wonderful week, everybody. We must. We must. We must have a great week and we'll see you over there. Have a wonderful week everybody. We must have a great week and we'll see you next time. Cheers everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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