Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Open Piss House) S14E01

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. It's time to leave the shed for pastures new - that's if Tom can sell the place first. But with ownership so closely connected to Adam Buxton and a spy with a new smell - it's surely only a matter of time. Come and see Flatshare Slamdown live at the Phoenix this month19th Feb - Alex Brooker and Morgan Rees - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-alex-brooker-and-morgan-rees-tickets-81426519812720th Feb - Lucy Porter and Flo and Joan - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-lucy-porter-flo-and-joan-tickets-814345769117Tickets (including a discounted ticket that gets you into both shows) are available from Pappyscomedy.com/livePappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Greetings listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode, the first of 2024, it's house meeting. House meeting! Gosh, it feels like we're a long way into 2024

for it to be the first one. I know. You know what, we're into the second month already. Oh. But it was taken a month off, you know, I think we're gonna allow ourselves that. We work hard on this podcast, you know? We're putting a podcast out every week. We're putting stuff out on the Patreon this podcast, you know, we're putting a podcast out every

week, we're putting stuff out on the Patreon every week, you know, allow us January to come back. And you know what? The proof is in the pudding because you're going to hear this episode and think, you know what? They sound well rested. So fresh. They sound so relaxed.

So ready. So ready to face the year. Before we get started though, folks, we do have to tell you that we've got a couple of Papi's Flat Shares slam downs happening this month. The 19th of February and the 20th of February happening at the Phoenix in London.

And my goodness, we got some good guests. Really strong guests. Really strong guests. We got Alex Brooker and Morgan Reese on the first one. Alex Broeker from The Last Leg, Morgan Reese from Instagram and just being a very fantastic stand up. On Tuesday, February the 20th, we've got Lucy Porter, the brilliant Lucy Porter who we've known for absolutely years but we've never had on. So it's a real delight to have her on the board. No! what is making her debut yeah can you believe it the

debut tonts Lucy Porter and actually away you know what talk talk about bang for your buck we've got two more guests because we've got Flo and Joan the brilliant musical comedians Flo and Joan are gonna be joining us as well who are gonna be a team to themselves so, if you want to come along, go to Pappy's... Sisters! Sisters! If you want to come along, you can go to Pappy's. They're so fresh, guys, we're just so fresh. That, by the way, is a reference for anybody else who saw Tom Jones play the afternoon slot at latitude about 12 years ago.

Anyway. But he introduced his backing dancers, with his backing singers. He introduced them and afterwards went, sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters!

Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Sisters! Anyway, the big ref. Listen, listen, the more important ref is the ticket link. And it is pappyscomedy.com forward slash live to get tickets for either the Alex Brooker

and Morgan Rees show or the Lucy Porter and Flo and Joan show. Or you can get a discounted ticket that gets you into both shows. You know, we've just finished a run of two fantastic flat-chest Thamdowns at the Phoenix and it was great to see the same familiar faces popping up both nights. We love that. It's great. We do indeed. Two very different energies the Monday night and the Tuesday night and I'm into both of them. Yeah, absolutely right. One's got a real, I would say one's got a real Monday feel.

The other one, you know, unmistakably Tuesday. The malaise of Tuesday. The weird thing is, it was the Monday that had the Tuesday vibe and the Tuesday and the Monday vibe. Listen, we just play the gig that's in front of us. What else can we do? It's all you can do. It's all you can do.

Also, if you're a Patreon member, there is a promo code that gets you discounted tickets to all three of those particular tickets. So, yeah, yeah, worth joining the Patreon. Did I sign off on that? Yeah, absolutely. I tell you what, Tom. Okay, okay.

We'll talk about afterwards. For you, yeah. You know what? I think you're such an integral part of this. I'm willing to give you the promo code if you just chuck me a couple of quid. Okay. Just spend money. Brothers!

Brothers! me a couple of quid. Okay, just spend my name. So yeah, patreon.com forward slash Papi's flat share, papi's comedy.com forward slash live come and see us on the 19th and 20th of February with Alex Brooker, Morgan Reese, Lucy Porter and Flo and Joan. See you there. That's gonna be a treat. And speaking of treats, let's get into the first house meeting, Don's La-A-Nee roll tape. Meeting. What temperature should we set? The heat. House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting.

What's the point? Does life have a meeting? House meeting. Open house today at my house. If you're free, fancy it. It's an open house at your house today. It's open house for an hour and a half. We're on the market.

Are you? Are you? You haven't just bought the place? Yeah, that's right. You know, it's haunted. I hope no buys it. It's been terrifically haunted. Gotta get out.

So, it's weird, isn't it? I don't know... Your experiences of... Trying to have people come round and look where you've been... Like... Shitting and eating like animals... But like... Wait, wait, wait! Wait, sorry!

Around every... Every single house, by the way. I've never been to your house, but what do you mean you're shitting and eating like animals? What are you... Are you selling your cave, finally? Yeah, it honks of piss, basically. I've got two absolute piss monsters as for children who just

have no regard for carpets. So I've just been running around spraying lush body spray from my wife's cabinet to try and cover the piss smell. Absolute disgrace. What I was thinking was

just putting down fresh sordid. I was thinking, is there a listener out there who wants to own a piece of podcasting history because you could own the very house. Not now! Do you want to own a piece of podcasting history? The thing about it is, what you often have to do with when you're having an open house is you have to get a lot of your stuff and either stick it in the boot of the car or whatever or or put it in the shed or drop it around to your neighbours. I think the key item you need to remove from your house during the open house Tom is you. I think that is the crucial thing. Whoever's coming into the house cannot see you.

You need to be elsewhere. I was going to stay in the shed and then Jane, do not stay in the shed, that's worse. I get to the bottom of the garden and it's like, hi. I'm in here. Do you like to buy? The worst thing I think I've done is in a panic, I've thrown everything into my car. But my car is parked

Directly outside the front door. No, no, no you got a driver car around the corner, mate Drive it around the corner and set it on fire for love of God. Yeah, they'll clock that. Oh my god This is funny. We're just out just on the email through we're emailing to confirm that the viewing booked for 11 a.m Has been cancelled is this going out live? I'm going to confirm that the viewing book for 11am has been cancelled. Is this going out live? Have I done myself over there? Everyone's dropping out. You're listening to Right Move pod.

Oh my god. Now we're talking. Are we? Yeah, Right Move. Bong was a load of cash to go and check out houses that they've just put on the market. We big them up, but in an amusing way, something estate agents are incapable of. No, Tom, Tom, why, we've got, like I've got a career. I don't want to become an estate agent.

I don't, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the balance of the group, Crosby. We have to look for work. I know you don't need work, but we do have to look for work. This is the balance of the group, Crosby. We have to look for work. I know you don't need work, but we do have to look for work. This is the balance of the group. Yeah, but we're doing our work at the moment, Tom.

This is our work. Yeah, but right move pod will go through the fucking roof. Do you know the amount of people who are on right move, even though they're not moving? Oh, yeah. They're just like, noodle away. It's a fun website, isn't it? It's like Instagram-based of people.

They just go like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, I didn't know you were moving house. And they go, I'm not. Is this a conversation you have with your wife? Didn't know you were moving house? We are. You're not. You're not.

The biz monster stays at home. OK. But my point was gonna be, do you think if I whack a blue plaque on the front of it, it might shift quicker? Oh. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. What's the sort of like,

what's the sort of legality of that? It's sort of like, there's not, you know, I appreciate there is a you know there's an organization that decides who puts a blue plaque where led by not a leak it's not a legal thing is it it wouldn't be illegal to put a blue plaque outside your own house. I don't think it's my house isn't it? Yeah you can decorate it however you like. I'm pissing out I want to thank you. So yeah I was thinking like if you

just whack a blue plaque on and who are you gonna go for? Who sells the house the best? Oh I think I think you'd have to be legit. I draw the line at lying about the blue plaque. Oh so So for example, when I moved it. Wait, Tom, are you suggesting you're blue plucking yourself here? Well, I'm not gonna blue plaque my three-year-old daughter, am I? They're perverts everywhere. When I moved into a flat in Crystal Palace,

the flat next to me, I was out on the balcony and I had a chat to the neighbour and the neighbour said, oh, the person who used to own that house wrote Peppa Pig. Wow. And then moved off, went off and on they went into the world and I was like, fucking hell. If that, I tell you what, I wouldn't have thought, I mean I liked the place in the first place, but if there'd have blew plaque that, I wouldn't have even gone in. I'd have signed on the line straight away. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We, I could have gone one or two way. Yeah. I did. I did wonder. Absolutely. Hey, have a pig. Yeah. We looked at a few places because there's a lot, there's a lot of blue, blue plaques around sort of the, the sort of southeast and we looked at Shackleton's place. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. That's just, just up the road for me that. Yeah. We looked, we looked at thatackleton's place. Did you? Yeah, that's just up the road for me, that. Yeah, we looked at that, but what's-

Is it cold? It was absolutely freezing, yeah. It's hot, trying to get up those stairs. You know, often they say put on those little stretchy blue things over your shoes. We had to put tennis rackets on the bottom of our shoes just to get up the stairs. Absolutely awful.

But it was, no, crucially, it was Shackleton's house that they divided into, I'm gonna say 337 flats. Right, so you could have... So I used to live one dude and now it was like, oh, it could live, you know, this could fit a family of four in, couldn't, it really couldn't. The house could, but Shackleton... Shackleton.

Yeah. Well, Shackleton liked his space, didn't he, famously? So he wouldn't, you wouldn't get Shackleton's back couldn't. Yeah. Well Shackleton liked his space, didn't he famously? So he wouldn't, don't, you wouldn't get Shackleton into a small hole unless it's in the middle of the Antarctic. He'd get him into a small pole. Exactly, he's coming back from a trek. He's, there's no way he's coming back from a trek

and going into a tiny little, you know, one, you know, like one room bed set. It's just, it's not, it's just not room bedsit. It's just not in his nature. It's just not in Shackleton's nature. I bet it was an absolute nightmare being married to Shackleton. Yeah? You can't imagine him being a fun dad.

Or like, he's often about for years. He's got a tremendous sense of adventure, Tom. You've got to say that about him. Yeah, but I don't He's got a tremendous sense of adventure, Tom. You could have say that about him. Yeah, but on here. But I think it's a family sense of adventure, is it? It's not like, kids, guess what we're doing next weekend? Imagine a boxing day walk. He's fucking off for a long time.

And he's coming back with really bleak anecdotes. Lost another finger. And a stench. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Coming back with really bleak anecdotes. Lost another figure. And a stench. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think it's going to be... It's not a million miles away from Unipping down to London to do Flat Shares Land Down.

It's not a million miles away from, you know, being with a touring sketch comedian slash podcast out, which is... That's what I'm telling you, we're going on a blue plaque. Anyway a blue plaque anyway yeah go on so Shackleton was the first blue plaque place and then the and then after we got our place and there was you know you remember lockdown you couldn't really go and do anything all I would do with my with my daughter was just wander around the streets I'd put pusher around in the in the pram wandering around the streets and I walked past Thomas Crappers house and

Yeah, the the the toilet man. Yeah Tom Tom the toilet man. I walked past Thomas Crappers house and I I was so Excited I was like, oh my god. That's Thomas Crappers house and as I shouted it I turned out the person was living in there was actually just behind the wall doing some gardening. And like, so they popped up from behind the wall and said, yeah, isn't it amazing? This is Thomas Krapershaus.

And I, yeah, I said to them, if they, I thought, I was like, have you still got all the old plumbing? Wow. And they're like, no. That's a very personal question. You haven't been for the snip then. Were they taking a shit behind that wall? Because that would have really been the icing on the cake for me.

That's the worst icing you've ever taken. The piping on the cake. That's the case. If you think that if team is taking a a shit by Thomas Krapers house, what you need to do is find a piss related person, because your house already stinks of piss, make a piss related plaque for the blue plaque. Who is famous for- The boy in the fountain in Belgium?

That's what we're talking about exactly right. Now we've got it. The pissing boy in the Belgian statue say that he used to live there. And then people go, well, of course it reeks. It reeks of history is what it reeks. It reeks. It reeks of Belgian history.

And you can have a slice of that if you want to. We're quite a long way from Belgium is my only concern. He's traveling, you tell him he lived all his life in Belgium. He had the Shackleton spirit. He traveled around the world. He spent a little bit of time in Exeter. He pissed in every fainting he found. Absolutely, and it was only the Belgians who accepted him.

Like, he was honestly, and he traveled across the globe pissing into bodies of water. It was only the Belgians. You had the liquid nitrogen fainting that undid him. He wasn't ready for the liquid nitrogen of the Bruges. House meeting. Meeting.

Meeting. I live in a house made of iron sheeting. House meeting. Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with always-on enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride when you can't take them. You'll get real-time notifications along the way. Your teen feels the sense of independence.

You can follow their entire route on a live-tracking map. Your teen will get assigned a top-rated driver. You'll get peace of mind. Uber Teen Accounts teen accounts invite your team to join your Uber account today Available in select locations see app for details I like this angle this might be what I've been looking for actually cuz I have got a small I've got a small plaque of the pissing boy that I could I could put on the front door maybe there we go Yeah, got like a little bronze plaque of the pissing boy that I could I could put on the front door maybe. There we go. Yeah. Got like a little bronze working of him. That's the way to do it. What is the story behind our

friend the pissing boy? It's a great question because is he the was he the antithesis of the guy who put his finger in the dam? Or is it the same guy? He was filling it the other side. Is it the same? It's either, yeah, like, I'm sure there's got to be a connection there. I think he was filling it the other side, or he was studding the other side facing the other way with a cheeky smile on his face. It was a glory, damn. This could all have been ended if he literally popped his finger up his one eye. Is that what you're saying?

They should have got together. Yeah, I'm sure there must be some kind of relation to the two of them. Is there a statue to the guy who put his finger in the dam? I don't know. He has mythical, when you're a kid. That kid has mythical status, doesn't he? Yeah. I don't think I've heard of that story since I was a child.

It's big news when you're a kid. But it felt like I was told it every week when I would read every three or four school assemblies. Like try them out. Clarky, it's because we're so old that was current affairs when that story came out. That was, that's the reason you heard it as a child. It happened when we were at 10 years old.

Where are you now? Jacky's gonna crop up on an episode, on a series of celebrity big brother. Oh, you know what? ITV have pulled out all the stops. They've got the pissing boy and the guy who's stuck his finger in the dam. the pissing boy and the guy who's stuck his finger in the dam. I am always, is Tarantino going to give them a Hollywood style third act?

Rewrite the story. Change the history of it. He doesn't stick his finger in the dam. Everything gets floods and hit their dies. Oh yeah, I expect that's a steam in one of films, but yeah, I'd be down for that. I'd be down for a film about the man who put his finger in a dam. I think, wouldn't you go and see a movie that was just called Dam and was by Quentin Tarantino? Of course you would.

It would feel like another exploitation movie, but... He's done it again. The boy done good. So crapper on the other hand had been a great dad. He'd got done. He didn't get done. Obviously, he's famously mislabeled as the person who invented the flushing toilet, but he didn't invent. What did he what do you vent?

He just he just sold them very successfully. Just popularized it. it so down the line Yeah, and this is Nick because because wasn't there I could be this wrong, but go on wasn't there at the Crystal Palace One of the one of the big selling features of it was the fact that they had flushable toilets at first time that Public flushing toilets, and it was a penny to go and that's where spend a penny comes from. So why have we gone back because I've been to Crystal Palace Park and there are no flushable toilets in our park. What's happened since the 1850s that we can't now have a functioning flushable toilet in our box. It's the Tories. Crystal Palace does have problems in that regard, doesn't it?

Because it's a place that is very much... It was almost... It had its heyday right at the start. And it can only be downhill for Crystal Palace. Or be it with a series of rises and falls, but there is only one direction for Crystal Palace. Or be it with a series of rises and falls, but there is only one direction for Crystal Palace. Yeah, true. Well, you know that there was talk,

back when I was living in the area, there was talk for a long time that there had been some investors, some international investors had decided to rebuild the Crystal Palace. Belgium? And I believe Chinese, but yeah, I don't think that happened in the end. No, I definitely didn't know. I know for a fact I didn't know because I'd be able to walk up the hill and see it.

I've been looking for it, I thought it was supposed to be massive. They got the dimensions wrong like it's final tap. They got the dimensions wrong like his spinal tap. Do you think there's going to be a glut of blue plaques in about 15 years time that are podcast related, originating from the pandemic? Like, do you think they'll be like, this is where we? Blah blah pod or whatever. It's a good one. The rush of people doing things from home Might bring the blue plaque back in a big way. Yeah, that's true actually How do you have to do you have to have passed on to get the blue plaque? You don't do you because there are there are blue plaques for people like Paul McCartney and stuff like that, right?

Right. Yeah the blue plaque, you don't do you? Cause there are blue plaques for people like Paul McCartney and stuff like that, right? Right, yes. That's some season. Is that true? I don't know, who is the most recent blue plaque? Like, are they doing one for Stephen Mulhern? Is it Joe Wick? Yeah, that's what I was in there for, is it Joe Wick? Joe Wick's the body coach, yeah.

I mean, I imagine the house that he was using in lockdown is probably still his house. I mean, I imagine the house that he was using in lockdown is probably still his house. We don't all have the slap happy attitude to moving house that you do, Tom. Joe Wicks famously doesn't piss everywhere. That's the one. He hasn't got a scorched earth policy.

Very hard. I mean, it's very hard to scorch an earth. That's sodden. I should know. Have you considered just getting new carpets? Or is that just not? No way. No way.

Or getting some like getting some Antico flooring or something. How would that happen? How would you even begin to go about that sort of thing? Far too much hassle. Far too much hassle. I would say it's less hassle than it is. Much easier to move house. Entirely uprooting.

Much easier to move, House. Alright, okay, okay. Yeah. So what you're going to do with your shed, because you've spent a lot of time working on this shed, you've got a shed in your back garden that you record your podcast from, you crucially, you write your successful films. Live from the shed right now. Exactly, yeah.

What you're going to do, are you going to take the shed with you or are you going to leave the shed? I'm going to donate the shed right now. Exactly, yeah. What's what you're gonna do? Are you gonna take the shed with you? Or you leave the shed? I'm gonna donate the shed to science. I mean, if anything that the shed should have the blue plaque, the shed will stay, I think. Yeah. I mean, that's gonna be quite a I don't think I... My plan is for a bigger and better shed and so if, you know, I mean, it's not like, it's not gonna be as emotional, I don't think as you think it might be. It's not going to be as emotional. I don't think as you think it might be. It's going to be hopefully, hopefully progress. If I'm moving to a smaller shed, then I would feel quite reluctant to be going, but- Parry life from the hutch.

So yeah, we'll see. But you know, I like the shed. Don't get me wrong, I do like the shed. But it's the people in a shed that make a shed a show. If you could move into a blue plaque, whose house would you want? Someone really rich with a blue plaque. Whose house? Whose house would you want? Someone really rich. With a massive house. I guess, I guess.

I sort of, like, I wouldn't be like, you know. I don't know though. No, I don't know. If it was someone, like say it was, you know, Paul McCartney's house. If it was the house he grew up in, I wouldn't be that bothered about it, you know? Like, whereas I, you know, if it was the house he grew up in, I wouldn't be that bothered about it, you know? Like, er, I, whereas I, you know, if it was Paul, if it was one of Paul McCartney's current houses,

I'd be, yeah, all right, I'll take one of those. I'd have one in London if that's OK. I don't know though. Would you want to be the, like, apart from the obvious splendor, but do you not feel like you'd always be the guy who's living in Bono's house, for example? If it was Bono's house. If I was like, if I was like, I'm like... If Simon Rushdie moved into Bono's house. No, he moved in during, when the fatwile was on him.

He lived in the shed at the bottom of Bono's garden for a bit. There you go. Put out some of his best podcast during those years. Absolutely. They couldn't put a blue plaque up because he had a fat war on him. If he put a blue, if Bonnie said, oh, by the way, Salmon, I've popped a, I've popped a blue plaque outside the shed. Salmon, like, ah, listen, I love the gesture of it.

But could you please take it down? It's blue on the outside, then it's's yellow then it's red on the middle. You don't want to always be the guy who is you know in Barna's house I think. You think you just you'd just, you'd never be, you'd always be thinking, well, like, the people, like the thing you're thinking currently is, I'm the best person to have lived in this house. Is that what you're thinking?

Because I don't know who used to live in our house. I know who we bought it from, but I don't know who used to live in it, like apart from that. So I don't know know who used to live in our house. I know who we bought it from, but I don't know who used to live in it, like apart from that. So I don't know the history of it. But I don't sort of, yeah, I just sort of, I just don't think about it as a, you know, I don't think about it as a problem.

All I know about the people who we bought from is that they liked Adam Buxton's podcast because they had a picture up liked Adam Buxton's podcast because they had a picture up of Adam Buxton's podcast framed and did you buy Adam Buxton's house? No but they were Adam Buxton fans to the point where when we were in amongst the offers and there were other people offering, I tried to find a way to be like... You didn't.

I've... I've... Did you reach out? I know Adam Boonkneet has been on our podcast. Did you? Really, really. Desperate times. What did you say? Wait, it worked? Well, yeah, that's it.

I said, ah, look, do you like Adam Buxton? I thought he's on the wall there. Yeah, we like Adam Buxton. Ah, yeah, he's been on my podcast. What did they say? 225? They're like, we don't care what time it was on, which episode was it? It's all, you know. Actually, the 225's been cancelled.

Oh boy. You know, you've got to do what it takes in this business. It's all it's cloak and dagger in the on the housing market. Skull Duggery cloak and dagger. So this is why you want to put the blue placka about your your thinking look all you need is a podcasting fan. You bought from a podcasting fan or you need to sell to a podcasting fan. This now now this is starting to make sense now it's clicking into place this is this is making sense now I've taken down all the family photos yeah and replace them with any pictures I could find of as podcasting Adam Buxton

you've looked at Shrine 2 add a box in your house. Just any of the old kind of his I guess this week on Flat Shares, lamb down, you know, I've stuck those up, you know, those little images that you put online, I've put those up. Yeah, great. You know, just surrounded the house with those kind of things, left old mics around. I'm just saying it if someone, you know. You know, we'll go out on the anecdotes, put them off the piss smell. That's from the house, it's not from Mike Bubbins, I should say.

Oh no, Mike Bubbins is one of them. He's one of the most fragrant podcasters out there. In fact, if anything, it's a shame it's mainly podcasting he does because if you get up close to a Mike Bubbins Oh the scent the scent of the man you leave going I think I should start wearing after shave out you go kind of go like I kind of go Oh, you should get your after shave out because It's a force for good and then you get you off that shave out and you realize your old after shave is not a force for good and then you get your old aftershave out and you realize your old aftershave is not a force for good It's worth the bit smell

Where are you guys on your aftershave journeys are you have you you got one now these days? I'd say I'm mostly after my aftershave Well, yeah, it's like I I don't I don't I don't put it on as an aftershave because I've got a beard But I do wear a I do wear a cologne. Yeah Is it is it full on aftershave result or the toilet? It's an order toilet Is it is it full on aftershave or is it a toilet? It's an Urda toilet You know just a little spritz every day. Yeah, I like it and is it a new Where how how long have you been with that fragrance? I mix it up. I mix it up every now and then you know Would you mind sending me a sample of your carpet actually cuz I

Come up with a brand new idea my own personal goop laboratory. Yeah piss carpet for men Yeah, no, I tend to just like I you know if I'm if I'm if I'm off on holiday I found if I'm traveling through an airport for work then I might you know I might go to the duty- Free and try a few samples and see what works and pick up some stuff from there. That's kind of how it works. I don't have one, I've got a few. The good thing about that is you get to feel a bit like a spy on holiday. Go on. Yes, that's it. That's it. That's it. Why? Shopping in Duty It makes you feel like a spy. I get, what I do is I get two large Toblerons and I use them at my binoculars.

Yes. It's a spy. It can't be a spy, look at him. Why am I like a spy? I'm just thinking, if you buy it on your way out. If you buy it on your way out, that's spotty just club sorted this with a massive chuppa-chup. And then you can change smoke to 200 fags, just like a spy. What is that spy ever gonna ask for at tech? What is that spy ever gonna ask for attack? He's a non-smoker who for some reason is just actually chins to 200 bensin and hedges.

You're supposed to transform the outside of you, not the inside of you. I've never recognised these lungs when I'm finished with them. Say what? He's got a black plaque, that one. That's just something he gobbled onto the wall afterwards. It's lovely he godly though. It's ugly, god me too. So go on, go on, Parry, tell us, tell us why buying, buying, buying a perfume from duty free makes you feel like a spy on holiday. And also, that's the thing is wrong. Why? Why is a spy on holiday?

Like, oh no, truly a spy on holiday is not being a spy. No, no, no, no. You don't feel like a spy on holiday. You feel like a spy if you're on holiday and wearing a new scent, because it's like, it's like you've got a new identity. Like, you need to go fight this man. He smells of Link's Africa. You're in here. I would watch that, actually.

A blind spy with a really strong sense of scent. I don't know, so, and then, well, no, we'll get back to that. So, no, we won't. So, I'm just saying, you end up in a new country. Yeah. With a new smell. Yes. You'd feel like a new, a different person.

Well, I think that's definitely true. You've reinvented yourself in two steps. I think that's, I think that's definitely true of holidays anyway, generally. Yeah, but the new sense, that's the bit that tips into espionage. The new scent. Because you'll often, you'll often buy us, you know, buy some clothes for your holidays. You know, for me, it's always, I'll be on holiday and I'll think I will start wearing hats when I return like a spy would like a spy would I'm gonna start wearing hats when I return to London and of course you never do you never do do you you just know good

reason you know that's why you know it, it was a short-lived period of me having cornrows. It felt so right on the beaches of Barbados, but you know what, when I came back, I thought, actually, mate, this is when you arrive at Gatwick, new. This head of face tattoo. You know what? I was leaving it all behind. My spying days are over. Exactly that.

You're on holiday, you wear a hat, you wear sunglasses, you smell differently, you're taking an interest in the people around you, it's the closest you get to spying. It's true, yeah, it's true. You might even perhaps like, you know, like if you're clean shaven, grow out the beard for the holiday, you know, like just, just you can really, you can really relax.

There isn't an element of changing your, you feel different, you feel different on holiday. It's true. Yeah, you know what, Tom? That's static corrected. Thank you for our, wow. Like, get home, I'm gonna walk around, just in trunks for a little week.

Ha ha ha. This is me now. Delighted we got that. I didn't think we would land that plane but Did it did in the end? Tom do you think do you think this is what you what you should do? You should have on your on your blue plaque You know Tom Perry lived here podcaster and spy but spy is crossed out. That was my

Twitter handle, was it? We was it podcaster and spy. It was it was podcaster, writer, director, or Writer, Director, Podcaster Spy. And someone got in touch with me to say, are you really a spy? And I said, no, it's Jack. There we go. Oh, the absolute joy of social media.

We've got this at the moment where I found an old photograph of us from 2012, of us, a little publicity photo we had done, of us standing in a bin. Oh, Jesus. That photo, I popped it up on social media and it's a big bin. It's one of those giant, like, vat-type bins with Edinburgh written on the front of it.

And it's us crouching inside this bin. Well, I'm not crouching, but you do crouch inside the bin. And I put in, like, you know, this is a blast in the past, 2012, photo taken by Lewis De Carlo, I forget which city, right? You know, a lovely bit of business there. Lovely classic bit of business. The number of people who earn, as he said, oh, a lovely bit of business there. Lovely classic bit of business. The number of people who earn as he said, oh from the look of it, is Edinburgh.

Jesus. Come on, guys, please. It almost makes you not want to bother. But bother we do. But Tom, to that question though, obviously a spy would say no. Exactly. I read the other day about how as well, like one of the big mistakes people make because of Bond is people assume spies are cool and are charming, debonair people.

Whereas in reality, the real spies are absolutely boring as shit. They have to be. Yeah they're the people you least expect to be a spy them the spies. If you're walking in looking amazing being suave being debonair being phenomenally handsome you just draw attention. If you know, if if Brosnan walks into a room, everyone's looking at Brosnan. Yeah. It's the guy behind Brosnan. More. Even Lazenby.

You know, Daniel Craig, these are these are remarkable people. They look remarkable. You can't have that as a spy. Do you think that there's another job then that is really sexy that we view as unsexy? Podcasting. Okay, of course. It was staring us right in the face the whole time. I'm a podcaster, the least sexy sentence in the English language. That's what's on my blue black.

I'll take it. What could you put on your blue plaque? Do you know Adam Buxton? The people who lived in this house before me loved him. He was on my podcast once. He was on my podcast once. Yeah, yeah, Adam Buxton and big letters and then I mean, that's what it'll be. It'll be Tom Parry lived here, you know, 2021 to 2024 had Adam Buxton on his podcast once. Yeah. And then slightly smaller, crucially not in this house Brackets that stinks of piss Refused to go into Tom's house Did it from his own house in Norwich? Well, anyway wish me luck on the open house. Yeah, yeah good good luck man It's it's 10 o'clock now. You know, I know your 11's been cancelled How many of you how many are you supposed to be seeing today? How many people are supposed to be showing up? I guess it's open house, isn't it? It's open house. Just as many people

Coming yeah, come one come all and they can just pretty so I could bring them by sale. Is that right? Yeah, they've labeled everything up prices Have you done that thing? Have you have you baked or have you like got that going on? You know I'm gonna go well. I'm gonna I'm gonna settle for a pot of coffee I was gonna do some croissants, but I forgot. Coffee and croissant. The thing I'm desperate to do, because there was a viewing last week, which was just a solo person coming to view,

I really wanted to cook a meal and set in a place at the table. And they're like, they arrive and it's like, ah, come in, come in. Sit down, shepherd's pie, all right? And just see what they do. Like, and they're like, oh, sorry, am I, am I, I thought I was buying this place, not being your flatmate. I thought that was me. No, no, yeah, yeah, sure, you can buy it if you want to. Yeah, great, that's all right, great.

So anyway, this is Jane and we're, you know, you're just on the road. I'll say one thing, you are great company over dinner. So I think, you know, know, it's a bit like, it's a bit like sort of, you know, speed dating. It felt like a real caveat. After dinner, he's, over dinner, he's good company. But honestly, as soon as you put that dessert spoon down,

call the cab. Call the cops. He, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, you're, that's the thing, you know, it's like with speed dating, you, you sort of think, is that enough time to really make the impression I want to make? Whereas with this, you know, you sit them down over dinner, you have the dinner first, you chat to them, you know, you tell them some of your anecdotes, you tell them about Buxton, all of that kind of stuff, you know. My only anecdote.

Well, I was gonna, you've got two Buxton anecd of that kind of stuff, you know my only anecdote Well, I was gonna you've got two bucks tonight dates because you've got the you've got bucks and coming on the podcast and playing the bucks and fringe And I believe did you not also drink once drink a bottle of fizzy water as well That one off the pod because that's my Honestly the third books in anecdote which is the title of my upcoming tour it's got to be a bit now thank you Matthew but sorry sorry Tom Perry's third Buxton anecdote will be on tour we're already playing Buxton and my tour sport Adam Buxton so anyway I tell you what that's's an app. That's got to leave at the interval written all over it mate. Well he told it in the first five minutes, was it good for me?

It said it when I brought him on. Oh no! Well anyway, good luck Tom. We will put the right move link in the show notes to the show. So guys, come and see us. We're doing shows in February for Flat Chest Lamb Down. And don't forget, Tom's house is also available on sale. And remember the Patreon.

There's the Patreon Tears. If you're a fan of the show, then support the Patreon. You can do it for £4 a month or there's a 10 pound tier or there is, you know, 290,000 pound tier where you get a house. And a shed that has had this podcast in it. Okay, well, anyway, support the Patreon and right move. Oh yeah, no, yeah, no, go through to the kitchen, it's fine. Yeah, it's like a kitchen diner, it's quite nice, yeah.

Oh my god, it's diet-free. We better let you go. Thank you so much for your time, Tom, and... Support the housing market, guys, honestly. We'll let you know. Keep buying us something in those houses. It's the lifeblood of Britain, the housing market. Let's get that housing market going

sweet you later cold rain or hot snow? what is sleeting? well there we go you can't say anything fairer than that's one chalked off the list absolutely that is absolutely that you know what, it's the first one of the year and that is it. Tickety tick. Rack it up guys. Chalk it up, rack it up, enjoy it.

It's gone, it's done onto the next one. Absolutely. It'll be soon. Done and done and onto the next one. To quote Dave Grohl in the song All My Life. Yes. Do you know what he's singing about there? No.

House meetings? You know what? Very much the house meeting of the sexual world. He's singing about going down on women. What? Yeah, genuinely. Is he really? Yeah.

Done and done and I'm on to the next one. Yeah, done and done on to the next one. He loves it but he hates the taste. Genuinely. This is, that's what he's in. That's what he wanted to write a song about. And why not? More power to you. You know what? So all his life he's been looking for someone, someone who he likes going down on. Pretty much yeah. I think that's it. You can check it out mate. You can Google it for your own cells if you like. No, I'm Googling it alright. You've got to Google it mate.

I'm not googling the song. Anyway, more power to Dave and of course the rat. Oh my god. Parry! I tell you what, 2024 is not dechicified, you has it. That's not your New Year's resolution. Well, anyway, all power to... people out there receiving good of Linkas from Dave Grohl.

I hope it's going better than it used to do. Anyway, another one for the books. At least you've got something to chat to, will it? Well, yeah. Is it some kind of record attempt? Yeah. Like when Mike Bubbins tried to hug as many people as possible. The record that happened was broken by the bloke from... What's he from? From Made in Chelsea? It was on live on this morning, wasn't it?

Yeah, that's right. Did Bubbins try and do that record? Bubbins tried it. Bubbins tried to do the most hugs. And he beat the world record. But unfortunately, and it was on a live TV show with Alex Jones. You know, some Welsh TV show. And he broke the record. But like the Norris McWerter

figure, the representative from the Guinness Book of Records had to step in and say, oh I'm so sorry, during the hugging you stepped away from your mark and that is part of the rules. You have to stand on the same mark and hug people but you moved off your mark. So the record is null and void. Yeah, that's what the second verse is about in Glossom. I'll tell you what, Dave Grohl absolutely hates it when he gets a Norris McWhorter, doesn't he? You can't stand that. Anyway, let's wrap it up and ship it out.

Let's ship it out, guys. Let's get it in the post. Box it up, ship it out, have the rest of the day off. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Corsham team. Done, done, and on to the next one. Cheers, everyone.

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