Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Pumpkin) S14E07

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. What's that smell? Well, in October...Come and see Flatshare Slamdown live at the Phoenix in March18th March - Joe Lycett and Lulu Popplewell - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-joe-lycett-and-lulu-popplewell-tickets-84479158336719th March - Joe Wilkinson and Humphrey Ker - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-joe-wilkinson-and-humphrey-ker-tickets-844799938357The discounted doubler - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-on-march-18th-and-19th-tickets-844809005477Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben and I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. Whoa! And it really is a house meeting. It truly is. We meet each other, we talk about things that are the burning issues of the day and we record them for your listening pleasure. So and then we end up sounding like really old men.

Yeah. Oh yeah, I mean, listen out for it guys. There are definitely moments when you have to kind of catch yourself when you start talking about this modern world. And the thing is, I will say one thing about this modern world, I'm generally very positive about it, but even being positive about it, you sound like you're a thousand years old. You know, we need to talk about the world.

I actually like phones. I think it's wonderful that people are getting their media through TikTok, I don't think it's a problem. It's just a different platform. And the people like, okay. It's a miracle that that conversation has happened on a podcast and not round a table playing dominoes whilst people bring us food that they've mushed up for us.

Well anyway guys, mush yourself some food and enjoy this wonderful episode but before you do, there's a few little points of business. Firstly, a flat-shell slam down is happening next week now. Monday March 18th, Tuesday March 19th. The Monday March 18th show, the individual tickets just for that show Joe Lysik, Lulu Popplewell, they're all gone, they're all sold out. Watch our Twitter, watch our Instagram for returns. If you want to get a ticket for both shows you can still get some of those. There's a handful of those available. So you can also go and see Joe Wilkinson and Humphrey Carr

the next day. That's the Tuesday the 19th of March. And there are individual tickets for that show as well, the Tuesday book. But if you've never been to a flat chair stand down before, get yourself along. They're always a ton of fun. Go to papyscomedy.com forward slash live and And get your tickets there Also, this is exciting news from our friend our friend Zoe who is responsible for the brilliant LMAO nays newsletter which tells you all about what's going on in the world of comedy specifically in the UK pretty London-centric, but it

is an invaluable resource for what's going on in the world of kind of different and new and exciting comedy. And it's a brilliant newsletter. If you're not already a subscriber, you should definitely sign up. But this is thrilling. They're going to be making a brand new print newspaper. A print newspaper? And again, what? You get it through your letterbox. She's got a couple of old, three old codgers to talk about

how much print meat is dying. Oh. And how... It needs to come back. It needs to come back. It needs to come back. Wasn't it lovely when you hold something in your hands? It felt so nice.

I've been making fun of something. I'm making fun of something. Morning. Take that out of your hand please. It does feel so nice. Listen, they're crowdfunding anyway to cover the cost of printing and in return, if you pledge to crowdfund for this, you get a paper

mailed straight to your door. Woohoo! Wow! Brave new world. Where else would you want it mailed to? I mean if it's in Tom's case I tell you what we'll mail it to our house and we can give it to you because your house can't be trusted we'll find out in the body of the episode. But this newsletter is a combination of stories written by comedians which will be lots of fun to read, interviews, recommendations, all the stuff that makes LMAONAs such a lovely place

to visit and champion live comedy. Now the crowd funder closes very, very soon. It closes on Wednesday of this week, March 13th. So get in while you can and order one for just a fiver. So for a fiver, you get, and I think you wanna be here, you wanna be able to say I got issue one, right? It's gonna be-

You wanna be able to say I got issues. You won. I got issues. You wanna be like I got issues boy! Well that's what I want. I got issues but I'm holding it in my hand. I wanna hold up several issues of the LMA and AIS newsletter and say, I got issues, baby.

So, yeah, so get along to, if you go to Instagram, actually that's the best way to go, and if you go to LMA and AIS, so I'll spell that out for you because it's kind of confusing, but we'll put it in the show notes as well. It's L-M-A-O-N-A-I-S-E. So if you go to LMANA's comedy on Instagram, then you should be able to work out where to crowdfund. But it's a brilliant newsletter. And even if you can't crowdfund, sign up to the newsletter, because it's absolutely brilliant.

And Zoe does phenomenal, phenomenal work. Brilliant. Well. Um, otherwise, admin done. Admin is all done, yeah, yeah, yeah. Knuckle down, enjoy the house meeting for God's sake. I'll see you on the other side. Was that the intro? Alright, alright, I'm into it.

I've had a thought. I've got an issue. All right, all right, I'm into it I've had a thought I've got an issue. I've got a question. I want to ask you I want to talk I want to chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat What temperature should we set the heat house meeting Why on earth am I always waiting? Who wet my bed while I was sleeping Meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting. Yeah. Yeah, this this rumbles on It rumbles on and we had a viewing this weekend on Saturday But we were away this weekend So we had to leave the house on Friday and leave it in a good enough state For a house viewing to come in on the Saturday We were also going to my parents for Mother's Day

So it was like right trying to get all the shit together trying to get the kids in the car Trying to get the house in some kind of state Right, trying to get all the shit together, trying to get the kids in the car, trying to get the house in some kind of state. Had to be on the road by 11, at quarter to 11, I'd got the house ready, just about got over to Neane, we were just about to put the kids in the car, and Jane said, can you smell rotting meat?

I was like, oh, actually, now that you mention I can smell something bad. Ha ha ha ha ha. Actually, now you can mention it. I've got a wheelbarrow of rotting meat in the spare room. I can smell something bad. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Can I shock you? I am that pile of rotting meat. You married me. You married him. So I was following my nose around the kitchen. Oh, aye.

And I was thinking there's no obvious culprit here. But as with all obvious culpr corporates it was hiding in plain sight Can I ask a question about... Because wait before you get to it because often Tom when you're complaining about a bad smell that you're chasing around the house the bad smell is coming from within the body The call is coming from inside the house

Tom were you... we know famously you're on the Adkins diet, and you like to keep your pockets full of brisket at all times. These slippers feel funny. Did you start to say in October, by the way, because that... Yeah, listen to that. The thing is, it becomes very obvious very quickly what's going to happen. Where am I? Right, in October Matthew and I attended the same wedding, right?

At a farm and at the wedding Gloria picked a pumpkin. They were selling pumpkins on the farm. And we took the pumpkin home and since October we've had a pet pumpkin and we kind of glorious adopted this pumpkin. So we've just had this pumpkin, we had it as a centerpiece on the table for a long time, then we had it kind of move to the floor and it got decorated and then it's like there's pumpkin, there's pet pumpkin. And I kind of naively thought pet pumpkin was gonna be with us forever but that isn't how food works is it? No, can I can I ask a question about this pumpkin with the pumpkin? So we're talking about a pumpkin that is just

It wasn't like you hadn't hollered it out. It wasn't like a jack-o-lantern. We're talking about just a just a pumpkin Hadn't hollered it out. I hadn't varnished it. No had written on it in marker pen Sure, but that doesn't do anything Hadn't Holliday, hadn't varnished it. No. Had written on it in marker pen. Sure. But that doesn't do anything. No. It's not Ron Seel, is it? That's not a preservative.

Followed my nose, ran the kitchen, ended up down on the floor, pet pumpkin, and just sagged off to one side. Like, you know know like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark Yeah On one side of his body and I was like Did you lean down to pet pumpkin and did pet pumpkin just went

Please kill me Please kill me daddy Is that what happened because Is that what I imagined? You had to get a shovel and say, no, out the house. Get in the car. I was like, Jane, start the engine. Hang in there, pet pumpkin. We've just got to get you out the house

to safety. So I got this carrier bag and then tried to move pet pumpkin. Oh no, no. Oh boy. Carrier bag, you need a shuffle or a baking tray or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The word is putrid. I panicked and tried to move it. I tried to roll it onto this carrier bag and it just gave up the ghost. The smell that hits your nostril, like we're talking about a six, seven month old did a veg.

Oh God. Our house smells so rank. Smells like something's died. Let's just remind the listener why you're selling the house in the first place, because it sticks to piss. So. Well the good news is it no longer sticks to piss. Most people would get a glade plug in at this stage.

Most people would go for a shaken vac and put the freshness back. But with Tom, no, he thinks what I'll do is I'll get a pumpkin and then, you know, I'd get a pumpkin five, six months before the house viewing and I'll just set it in the corner of the room and it'll just slowly permeate through every fiber of every surface of every bit of furniture wall fixture fitting everything is going to be deep with the stench. What I find so mad is that you only realize that you were leaving the house. It's been in the middle of your kitchen.

And you never cook in a meal and you think why do all our meals taste of rotting pumpkin? I think it must have taken a turn overnight because it's not something we'd noticed before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happened really quickly. Honestly, if the view had been on the Friday, you would have been home free. So all of this has made me realise something.

In October. Oh yeah. It's like I have to stop and go and get a pumpkin. I've got a pumpkin on the balcony. No. Yeah. Pet pumpkin too. Yeah. So that's something I've got to deal with at some point, isn't it?

Yeah, because I'm guessing because of the weather, you've not really been out on the balcony since the autumn. No, no. Completely forgot it was even out there. Do you want to go and have a quick look and come back and report to us? Do you want to go and have a check and report? Get a carry-back! Go on, plunge your fist into the pumpkin and bring back the rest. Give it a taste.

Give it a prod. That's really, that's bad news because You know when we were driving home a couple of years ago, but it was it would have been I'm gonna say early November Maybe maybe mid-November. We were driving home and someone still had their pumpkins out and Cleo spotted them and said oh someone still get their pumpkins out Can we go have a look at the pumpkins? We was on our road, drove home, walked up the road to the pumpkins.

And the second I got like within four meters of the pumpkins, I was like, anyway, you can see the pumpkins out, turn the buggy around straight the other way. Because there was maggots coming in there. It was like they looked more Halloweeny. They were really, they were incredibly festive for the season. It maggots flies hatching out the eyes and stuff. It was just, it was really, it was really a sight to behold. Well, we've been having a lot of slugs coming into the house

and I wondered why. I think maybe it's because they've been playing in the pumpkin of music. Oh, it could be house viewings. You never know. Could you sell the house to the slugs? They'll go, I'll take it. I'd sell to a slug.

Just go and let the cat out. Give me a sec. He's got a pumpkin, really. The old cat out. Yes. He's too proud to admit it. Just out of sight. Just behind the camera. He grabbed a shovel, please.

Just a shovel, plus it back. Yeah. Have you still got the bleach or the big bottle? Yeah. Yeah, cheers. Oh no. He's killed the cat. The cat.

I've murdered the cat. I've worked now. I was old. In October. I would never, I would never murder our cat. Oh, do you know what? I'm going to put this on record now. I would never murder any cat. Yeah, that's fair. Thanks, man.

What if the cat was on the attack? I wouldn't murder it. Like a large, a large, what if it was a large cat? Do you know what I mean? Like the goons to bob me. Then we switch from wooden to couldn't, don't we? Very good, very good. What if Garfield was on the rampage?

Is that what you're saying? You're saying if there was a massive cat that came at me. Yeah, but bigster bob in style. Well, that's a different thing, isn't it? Because that's not a cat. It is. Are you, all right, are you, when I said I would not murder a cat, I wasn't thinking of big cats.

I wasn't thinking of an escaped puma. You know, I was thinking, and also I wouldn't murder a puma either. Again, it's, Clarky made a very, very good point. Yeah, you couldn't. Yeah, exactly. The wouldn't and couldn't are pushed right up against each other is absolutely nothing in between There's not any little middle golden ratio where I'm like, you know what? Yeah, I'd kick it big enough to be threatening small enough to kill. That's not no We're not there's no there's no Venn diagram overlap there

They're just two two circles bumping up against each other. I can see the cogs whirring in Tom's head. I'm trying to think. I found out the other day. Well, I'm coming back to another point. He found out a lot of things the other day, actually, Tom. I found out the other day I can never go back to my house. It's something like a Jaguar or a cheetah or something. Clark, you'll know.

That's why I remember everything in Clark, you'll know this. But it's not a Jaguar or a cheetah or something. Clarky or not. That's why I remember everything in Clarky or not this. But it's like, it's not a large cat. It's like the biggest small cat. So it's like something like either a lynx or one of those isn't a big cat, but it's a fucking big cat. Do you know what I mean? But it's not a big cat.

Yeah, I have heard that. That there's a distinction. It's a large cat, not a big cat. Yeah, but that's mad, isn't it if you get me? Yeah Yeah, well you have to you have to have a cut off like I recently I had a I had the you know the checkup You're supposed to have when you Should have out a bit earlier when you turn when you turn 40 and the doctor said medically you're not a man You're the biggest small boy Yeah you're not a man, you're the biggest small boy. Yeah, yeah. And he said, I'm afraid there has to be a cutoff point at some point and you are it.

And so you're in the category of I wouldn't kill. Exactly, yeah. Whereas Tom is, Tom is couldn't. You're last of the big small men, aren't you? Yeah, exactly. I am too adorable and non-threatening, whereas Tom is simply too powerful. Yeah. Yeah. And that goes for our podcasting style as well. I guess what I'm saying is, if when push comes to shove, if everyone was teaming up,

you'd fear the cat team,'t you the cat team goes deep wait hold on when you say everyone do you mean do you mean all the species is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so so everyone goes out at it and it's like you would fear the cat the cat team is pretty strong team it It goes deep, man. More so than human? I'd feel the cat team, well, I'm on the human team. Yeah. Wow. He has an eyes checkup, yeah.

Have I had my checkup? That's what I was just thinking. I hope I have. Have you let him put a finger in the pumpkin, basically? That's the question. Have I told you what I've got coming up by the way? Speaking of the point, what have you got coming up? Apart from a house being on the market for another four or five years.

A series of open houses, all of which people walk in and go, sorry, what's that smell and then leave? you better leave that house open just to air it mate pop the roof off for a bit House meeting Cold rain or hot snow? What is sleeting? No I have had my check up I just remembered You have had your check up I'm pleased Tom

Go on what have you got coming up? I've booked myself in for the snip You're having a sleep are you? Jack up on please Tom. Go on, what have you got coming up? I've booked myself in for the snip. You're having a snip are you? Put myself head to pasture boys. Wow, wow, wow. Which bit are you snipping? I'm gonna let the listener decide. You?

There's so many bits you've had, what you've always had. You've always been on the fence about. Listener, of course, is going to go with vocal chords. It happened powerfully quickly, you know. Bit too quickly for my liking. I kind of put the feelers out, and then the doctor was like,'re in end of April it's like locked and loaded. Do you think I should put the feelers out to the doctor? You know when you call up for an appointment that's not putting the

feelers out you know like I know it seems like it when you call up at 8 in the morning and say listen I think I'm I'm dying. And they go, yes, we can see you in about four weeks time. It does feel like you're putting the feelings out. But that is you call it the doctor is that's not the research stage. It's like, I'm looking into this. And then before you know, you're looking into a second, you're a nut sack, mate. I've kind of pictured selling the haze before, you know, giving up the job. Can I just say, it's a good thing that you're out for the viewings, because if you're there

going round going, listen, if you want to make an offer, we're very willing to negotiate because I really want to get the snip. Jesus Christ, who is this? Why has he got rotten pumpkin all over his boots? I'm saving up for the snip. Is this funny? I'm seriously going to do it in this house anyway, with the stench. Don't worry, I think living in that house has made you infertile.

I've been absolutely neutered by the stench. It's a great album title pet pumpkin neutered by the stench what the feel is that round she comes really quickly end of April and it's walking walk out Walking roll out I'm not gonna Just gonna hobble me like in misery Good luck good luck Like in misery. Can't, can't look, can't look shagging when you're dealing with this.

They're just gonna say, listen if you wouldn't mind asking your testicles to open this arc at the Covenant, and then they'll melt off down your thighs and that'll be the end of any little parries running around the place. Just remember my little testicles like two pet pumpkins. Please kill me. Kill me. Oh dear. Congratulations man.

Yeah it feels good. It feels like, I feel quite lasey fair about it. The second ago you said it was coming around really quick, so it's quite, it's got quite mixed messages. It feels like, you know, like a well-earned retirement, kind of like you've done your time. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. You've had two lovely kids. At ease.

And you said, yeah, this is, I've got my best use out of them. Two kids. You've had two kids. You've had two kids, certainly. I just think I'm so keen to get a forsake to me. Can't have any more of these. Bloody hell. How can I make sure that this doesn't happen again? I'm sure you don't mean that, just in case they listen in future.

Future years. But yeah, anyway, that's, so it's literally, I mean, I guess it is that kind of operation. It's just, you know, it's, how long does it take? I don't think it's an operation, you know, they say procedure, I don't know what the difference is. Well, I guess the difference is it's a procedure. They don't put you under.

You walk in, it happens in a GP surgery? What? You don't even have to go into... I don't know if I'll even have to take my trousers all the way off. I think trousers down, but maybe not off, I dunno. Just unzip.

Just pop one out from the fly. Just undo two buttons and pop one. What do they do then? They're just like twizzling around till they're done. They just twist him off. They just tie a knot in them. They just... They just... They just... They just...

Those little cable tie things. That's how they knew to bulls, isn't it? They just sort of tie, you know, tie them off until they eventually drop off. But, but Krush, you're not being new to tie not being muted Tom are you you're not gonna be you're not being castrated Tom comes back and he's a castrato next time it makes me even more difficult to listen to Gritty is listening in Tom's Tom's first episode back he sings Loving You by Minnie Ripperton. I wouldn't mind actually.

Ironic, now that I can't love you anymore. Well no, that's not what it means either. Oh no. Oh come on. Do you think you'd have sex anymore? You can still have sex Tom. Oh, okay. Okay. Is it really coming around quick now, isn't it?

What's the point? I was going to have one last hurrah and then head off to the doctors. Just take a blow torch to my genitals, GP, instead. Is there any chance you should do that? They've run that course. That's what I was thinking of. Like, it says like you don't feel any, you shouldn't feel any, like, after effects. Yeah, okay.

But Parmi does worry that psychologically, it might do something because you think we're kind of wired into our DNA, the kind of primitive nature of it. Deep down, do your sacks know that there's no need to do it anymore and therefore, you might lose the urge to do it? I don't know. Like all the research says that isn't the case.

That's what I mean. I go with that. But you know what I mean? My own way of doing this. Well, when, Harry, trust research, not God, but his abled brain. You can't trust, we can't trust free. You've got to cater.

You've got to... No, no, exactly. You've got to, you know, we're weird, we're animals aren't we? If the last four years have taught us anything, it's that the research around medical science cannot be trusted. Tom, was your snippet lobotomy? LAUGHTER Oh, the research!

LAUGHTER You know what I mean? It's kind of primitive, isn't it? I do know what you mean, yeah. Yeah, I wish I didn't. That urge, you know. If you know then your body might know I think. That's my idea. Oh, Tom, Tom I've got to talk to you. I'm trying not to.

I've got to talk to you about a gentleman's urges actually. I've just. I really have. I've got to go on. This is bad. This is so bad. It's actually been haunting me since it happened. The gentleman's urge.

The gentleman's urge, yeah. So I was with some... This is that bum as well. I was with some other men, other red-blooded males. Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These red-blooded males, these red-blooded males are more predisposed to discuss laddy things than I am. So crucially, like, obviously, it's not,

I'm not a unit. A stag, a kind of birthday party, just a gathering of pine, what's the, often a front fire, a barbecue. Unbelievably, it was a reality. We're at work, we're at work, which made it all the more unsettling, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, so, I, I, I got, it really was flustered by this conversation. Basically, it was, and this is, it's gonna sound so chaste. We were looking at a picture of Taylor Swift, for work related we're right you know and people started discussing how attractive she was right and it was the time front cover I think she was on the front cover of Time magazine was posing with her pet cat over her shoulders right and we know how much you like cats yeah I would never murder hope you'd never

murder wouldn't I yeah we all know what you mean by that yeah exactly I've never murdered that okay anyway so they're all that are going oh my god isn't she gorgeous isn't she attractive and I said and I don't know I think I was trying to like be like yeah she's so attractive you know I said, and I don't know, I think I was trying to sort of like be like, yeah, she's so attractive, you know, I was like, and I like, I said, she's so attractive. I'd like to have sex with the cat. Right. Okay, okay, okay.

I don't know what I was saying, but I was like, you know, just cause, the cat's getting the proximity of the attractive. I'm just, I'm so I'm just so out of breath. Yeah, I got carried away. This wasn't the, I'd say, you know, oh, she's so fit. I'm like, this was the first thing I brought to the conversation.

Like, everybody else is talking. And I go, she's so attractive. I like to have sex with the cat. There's a beat and the conversation moves on. I just know. No I just don't know. No, that's even worse. Nobody acknowledges the fact that I just know. And then like later on I was like,

I really want to go to the loo, but I literally don't want to go to the loo because the second I leave the room, people are gonna go, does everybody else here cross piece say he wanted to have sex with a cat? Your contract's been terminated. I can't get it out of my head.

Have you been invited back to write on top gear again? Or is that...? I mean, yes, I'm getting the snip, but you need to be chemically castrated, my friend. I do, I do. For the sake of cats everywhere, first he's saying he wouldn't murder a cat. Next thing he's taking it, like, hey,

this is, this is, this is literally grooming, isn't it? They start off with stuff like, hey baby, I'd never murder you. And then it gets to, you know, then it gets to, you know, hop out the litter tray and hop onto this. It's really, I just feel awful about it. When he said he needed to take the cat out,

was it like for a nice dinner? He got a wine and dine. Oh dear. Thanks guys. That's what I was hoping for. Oh dear. Mid podcast that Crosby coughs up a hairball. Can I, can I, um...

Was it... Was it a nice cat? Was it a nice cat? Well, it's Taylor Swift's cat, so, you know, it's well looked after, certainly. He's Googling it. He's Googling it. It's probably... I have to get going. Crosby, get off it. Get off it. I'm trying to find out which one it was. You know I

Trying to find out which which one it was hang on a sec Taylor Swift cat time because It's what I can see that I can see it in the trial now. He made those well. Let's after two weeks later He was googling Taylor Swift's cat You've got a delete your search history after this man. Oh my god Taylor Swift's cat is called Benjamin Button so I've got no idea how old this cat is that I've been lost in after. Problematic. A problematic situation.

I thought the cat was 87. You're on it. Can I have a lift? I live in the meeting. Oh no, I feel so bad about it, but anyway, I feel better now having shared it. Every now and then. And also, anytime, Taylor Swift is an unavoidable public figure, you know? Like, kind of, it's just, she's out there, right?

It's not like you'd said it about somebody that you very rarely see, you know? It's like every time one of those guys sees Taylor Swift, they're gonna be saying to the people they're with, by the way, do you know Matthew Crosby yeah he's cats it before me at the moment are you in are you do you have any strong feelings towards Taylor Swift's Uvra? Wait, where's this? I've moved away from her animal.

Sure, the Uvra. Well the situation I've got at the moment is I am trying my best. Like, you know, I like her stuff. I'm not deep into it. I listened to the Folklore album the other day, I really thought that was very good. I'm trying to find out what the best Taylor Swift songs for Cleo to get into because she loves the movies Sing, which is about a bunch of animals. She's only bloody human.

In a singing competition. It's a great movie Oh, it's a great. It's a great film. I mean what you might ask yourself. Why have you seen it Clark? You don't have kids, but oh no, no, no, absolutely old petting zoo Clarky Hey, hey, I never said I was gonna fuck an animal You take you listen you take an interest in animals that is purely academic. It is unfair. It's unfair that you've ended up with the nickname Petting Zoo Clarky, where we all know Crossbow is the one with the problem.

Well, heavy petting zoo, Crossbow. But, our favourite song from the whole film is Reese Witherspoon and Nick Crowell's version of Shake It Off, which is a bangin' version, but we're trying to convince her to listen. I'm like, hey, do you know this is actually a cover version? She liked that. Originally by Taylor Swift. We put it on after about a minute and a half, she's like, take it off. Not shake it off, take it off.

Wow, really? She was like, yeah, I don't like this version. I don't like, and I was like, they sound really similar. Except crucially, Taylor Swift's version is about three and a half, four minutes long, which means if we have to play on the car, do you know what I mean? Over and over again, we're not used to a song.

Taylor Swift is gonna be too old for your kids. They're gonna be like, ugh, no, not that old, old bird. Absolutely. Here's my thing about it. The Old Bird by Wood is a brilliant song in sync, one of my favorite characters. Ha ha ha ha. Here's the thing about sync.

It is obviously flawlessly executed. But when you have access to the music that that film has access to yeah it feels like you've got like a cheap mode to be amazing right like the main line into people's emotions you say that but sing to is it seems you know do you not like sing to as much I know I mean to be honest I think it pays in comparison that's interesting because yeah okay they like him saying it's sing is the favorite in the house but that's that's interesting yeah I know what you mean because the scene where he falls in

love with the theater he's listening to Golden Slumbers by the Beatles and you're like yeah yeah falling in love with the Beatles actually again you know Cle know, Cleo's already quite into the Beatles, because so many of their songs do sound like kind of kid songs. But yeah, I know what you mean, but at the same time they do have access to it, and that's all the better for us. Are you saying like if it was a bunch of... If it was like, okay, they've got the entire back catalogue for the pigeon detectives, go and make the same movie.

Yeah. If Sing becomes a pigeon detective, jukebox musical, good luck. No shade on the pigeon detectives, but they're not the Beatles, are they? I think even the pigeon detectives themselves would admit that. No, but I'd even go so far as to say,

basically if Sing had to write its own songs, like every Disney film has to do, like that's the thing is, you go for, if you're doing Frozen, you gotta come up with all those, you can't just piggyback the most emotional songs, the greatest songs of all time. Like it's kind of, it has access to all of that

And then I think you can hang any story on those songs. I would argue Well, that's all on that's my question. I don't get me wrong. I'm a fan of that film This is me liking it This is what it sounds like when I like something This is what it sounds like when I like something. But like it gets me right where it's pure every time. I always get very emotional watching it. I always have tears in my eyes. But it's because it's got access to some of the greatest songs ever written

that are happening just at the right time. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's fair play. Fair and fair play to it I say. But also you know what I mean? It's like it's fair play, fair and fair play to it I say. But also you know. Come on. But also your chief. Are there any sexy cat characters in it for you Crosby? I mean I don't think so.

You really remind me of the koala though actually. Really Mr. Moon? Yeah. Do you think so? the koala though actually. Really, Mr Moon? Yeah. Do you think so? That's very good actually. In that I'm short, I love the theatre and I'm incredibly deceitful. Yeah, and very adorable.

Oh, thanks man. But also controlling. Incredibly controlling, yeah. Absolutely. Controlling, manipulative, everything has to be on his terms. But loves the theatre. controlling. Incredibly controlling, yeah. Absolutely. Controlling, manipulative, everything has to be on his terms. Does that go on the fuck cats as well? Absolutely, that's a big subplot of the movie is him having an affair with a cat.

And there's a real abuse of power going on because the cat wants to be in the show and he's like there's a casting couch and I know you're not normally allowed on a couch so, pretty exciting. Clarke, how do you feel towards Taylor Swift's oeuvre? Have you dipped your toe? Are you submerged? I'm kind of fairly passive really. I think I think you know life here's someone I'm like that's that's that's good See why you like that? Okay, but not massively taken

Parry same question for number three How do you feel about Taylor Swift's uvra? I Harry, how do you feel about Taylor Swift's OOVERA? Well, I was asking myself this the other day because I only know Shake It Off because we once sang it. Yeah. So, like, because she's now the one of, like, perhaps the most, one of the most famous musical artists in the world. Perhaps the most. Yeah. Perhaps the most. I was just being like, if you asked me to sing another Taylor Swift song, I would genuinely struggle past taking off everything.

You can't do Antihero. Antihero's quite a big hit recently. A couple of years ago. The one it's me, the problem is me. Yeah, but I probably struggled to sing it. I mean, the only reason I know that is because we nearly did it as a jingle about four months ago. So I listened to it then and I was like oh this is music recorded. Yeah yeah yeah yeah so so it just it I just feel like I'm so far off the cultural phenomenon.

You know, it's the equivalent of being around when Michael Jackson was in his pomp and being like, well, I do know Thriller and that being the only song you know, because it's like her fame is so, so big. And yet that's all I could contribute and it makes me feel like, oh yeah, this is dad. I think it's like, no, Tom, I think you you're doing yourself down. I think I think it's a different thing there because

Like back in the back in the day when you know when like you say Michael Jackson was topping the charts Culture was consumed in a completely different way. It was a lot more. You know, it was all coming through the radio Yeah, you might have been just buying records and isn't it yourself But you're getting it probably through the radio or through television and there weren't tons and tons of specialist channels You know MTV was yeah starting so there was there was that so I think that's a different thing if you were somebody was like No, I just don't know any Michael Jackson songs. You're like, how have you not heard? How have you not heard bad or how have you not heard beat it? Or have you not heard? You know a man in the mirror or smooth criminal because these things were just like and I know

We were obviously kids at the time so what consuming that kind of stuff But it was it was on every radio station. It was getting played all the time. You know, it was on a yeah You know TV shows were Parodying him in a way like, you know sketch comedy shows would work parodying Michael Jackson in a way that I don't think Comedy shows do today about Taylor Swift, even though she's massive, it's that the crossover of people who watch Telly and the people who listen to Taylor Swift

isn't quite as big enough to make it sort of land. I tell you what, you know, I tell you where you might get it from if you're a bit older is you might know it from Strictly. That's the other place you might get it from if you're a bit older is you might know it from strictly. That's the other place you might have heard. Yeah, OK. You know, pop songs. Yeah. If you're not if you're not listening to chart radio, then you might be

watching strictly and you might get it from there. But I think crucially now it's like, you know, you know, if you see, I mean, again, you try not to sound like the oldest person in the world, but it's quite exciting that everyone can kind of find their own thing and live this way. But occasionally you'll chance someone and be like, oh, this is a famous person and you'll look at their Instagram and they've got 57 million followers and you're like, well, I guess they are. Yeah.

You know, it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be a household name. Do you think things would have been different for us if we'd have landed the job of being the house band on Strictly? Do you think it would have been a distraction? We were down to the last two, weren't we? They went in a different way. Right at the end they went in a different direction. Yeah, they were like, oh, we want people who can like play and sing, actually rather than

these three guys. You don't want these guys doing their own thing and just kind of having fun with it. The Lucy Goosey, they were close to it. They would be like, I like that. And then they just decided they didn't want that Lucy Goosey kind of. An odd choice, I thought. An odd choice. But you know what?

They've been pretty successful without us. But I think even in their minds there's a sort of a what if. You know? There's a kind of like, yeah, we're doing well. It'd be less strictly. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. There's a kind of like, yeah, we're doing well. It'd be less strictly, do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah. We're getting- They're not so strictly come dancing.

Exactly, they're loosely come jigging, yeah. Oh, I'd watch loosely come jigging. Loosely come jigging, yes, please. But I feel like there's, yeah, I feel like, you know, what they're getting, they're probably getting 10 million, 11 million viewers, you know. So they must sometimes be going, could we be getting 15? Yeah, people.

People. 15, 20 minutes before the show's pulled off the air. 15, 20 minutes before the show is pulled off the air. I am an anti-hero, yeah! Hey, I'm gonna do it! Hey, I'm gonna do it! Pass the dope later that, motherfuckers! Again, quite a sort of odd approach to songs in that like, what we do is we sit down and we talk about songs

that we haven't heard. And then we sort of, one of us describes it to the other one and then the person who's having described and then sings the song. Yeah. I do like it. That does sound like the kind of thing we the bitch try to do. Actually, I was saying that out loud and I was like, fuck of thing we in a bitch try to beat. Yes, actually, as I was saying out loud,

I was like, fuck me, that's a good FlatSlam game. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. I'll describe a song to you.

You sing it, the other person, yeah. Actually, that's not bad. There's something in that. That's not bad. Okay, I know we're not- Put it on the list. I know we're not currently workshopping flat slam games. That's for the meeting immediately after this recording.

But you know what, sometimes there's a little bleed. It's literally come jigging, guys. It's our version. It's our version. It's our version. Today we're playing our version of Strictly Come Dancing, which we're calling literally come jigging. Where's everyone gone?

House meeting. What's the worst thing you've considered eating? How's meeting? Well there it was, how's meeting? For God's sake. I hope you enjoy it. For God's sake, enjoy it. Well that flew by. That flew by for me.

It really did, it really did. And we'd love for you to get in touch and tell us, aren't you also an old man who'd like to talk about Taylor Swift? we're starting up a Discord channel plus we'll have a little chat. Crucially you can't have heard too many of her records. You can't have heard it. It's a Discord channel where the three of us describe Taylor Swift songs from bits we've half imagined.

There's a separate discord for Cat Chat. Don't worry about that boys. Don't go near that. Don't worry about that. Cat Chat. Anyway, don't forget as well, the Patreon as well, gets you tickets to, discounted tickets to the shows if you wanted to come to those flat shows,

it also gets you a bonus episode every... Oh yeah, not tell us Not Taylor Swift shows fucking hell Doesn't it will not get you into the ears tour. I'm afraid Strating some songs as Yeah, imagine if we said son up to our patron you can get Taylor Swift tickets Yeah, imagine if we said, sign up to our Patreon, you can get Taylor Swift tickets. Fuck it, Al. Oh my god. I would listen to a live podcast of us going to the Eres Tour and we just record our reaction

to it all the way through. I'm into that. I can't afford it. Yeah, do you know how much that podcast would cost to record? Ten grand. Well. record 10 grand. Anyway, might get the Chortle Awards interested. Jesus Christ. He's lost his mind. I think he's high on pumpkin fumes. Could somebody, Tom, crack a window for God's sake. His skin's got orange. This radiator's on full.

It's so hot. Okay, well, I'll tell you what, Tom. Tom, it's a pretty, it's a pretty, it's a pretty climate day. Turn the radiator down, all right? Okay, yeah, we believe you. You put it, you put it at the radiator radiator like we can like we can see the heat It's a radiator Tom. Yeah, I tell you what look there's one in my house as well. Just just just there Radiators on it's on

Turn it off mate Anyway patreon.com forward slash puppies flat share you get discounted tickets and you also get a bonus episode every week of Completely different show a flat share pot get discounted tickets and you also get a bonus episode every week of a completely different show Flat share pop round we have a great time We we read out your emails. We chat to each other. We get personal, you know, it's it's good fun It's really good fun and it's well worth it's well worth to your subscription for just just for critical We do get personal get personal We definitely get close and personal and you thought we were personal on this episode.

We get personal. We get personal, baby. Don't forget to crowdfund LMAO's. Today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Caution. Caution Team. Cheers everyone. Bye. Bye! BedMGM Casino app today! BedMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. BedMGM.com for terms and conditions.

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