Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (The Xmas Pirates of Dibley) S12E45

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Festive questions end up much more piratey than you may expectPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Don’t forget that the Pappy’s Flatshare Xmas show is THIS WEEK! On Sunday 11th December from 5:30pm we will be hosting a live festive double-bill. And you can livestream it direct to your device by following this link: https://www.tickettext.co.uk/IAXE4Nbt08The show begins with a Beef Brothers Cold Cuts featuring James Acaster and continues with the legendary Pappy’s Flatshare Slamdown Christmas special starring Lou Sanders and Athena Kugblenu. Don’t miss out, get your live stream tickets TODAY!Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See out for details. Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to a ho ho ho festive special of house meeting. House meeting! Where we step into Christmas.

Have a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a Christmas. Have a little bit of a little bit of a Christmas. Amazing first line of that song from Elton John. Welcome to my Christmas song. Such a bizarre way to start a song, isn't it? Just so you know, just so you know, this is a Christmas song and what that was was Bernie Taupin being like, oh, I've only got 10 minutes to crack Yeah, yeah, absolutely. The most unbelievable bit of Gavin and Stacey for me is the bit where

Sifi arrives and knows all the words to that song because I don't think anyone knows all the words to that song Yeah, I don't I don't know I'd yeah I don't know They start singing it back to him and it's like no one is doing that with that song Um hopper I I think I might have said this before but I always thought it was um It's hopperboard my turntable. Oh, I have Christmas from me. You know Mary Christmas from me I always thought it was, it's hopperboard my turn table. Oh, I have Christmas from me, you know, Merry Christmas from me. I always thought it was hopperboard my turkey boy.

And I thought, I just had images of Elton John. I'm sorry, mate. It wasn't it, you sold that to me. Hopperboard my turkey boy. You know, the universe, do you bar? I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take your places. So, yeah, this is our Christmas episode.

Don't forget, if you want to see our Christmas show, we'd love to see you on the livestream. I mean, occasionally tickets pop up for it, so keep watching the Twitter, but the livestream will be streaming on the 11th of December 2022 from 5.30 onwards. We're starting with a beef brother cold turkey with James A. Caster. By the way, get your beefs in. If you've got a festive beef you want to send in beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Please send in your festive beefs. I can't think of a better person to help solve your festive beef. Let me try to tell you a castor. Yeah, I'm looking forward to sitting down with him and solving some festive beefs, but send them in, send them in straight away. And then about seven o'clock we're going to have a, well, Tom, as you've said, it's the show of the year.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's the show of the year, every year, and this year, it's two shows. This year it's two shows, and the second show is Black Share, slammed down on the 11th of December 2022 at 21,-ho, but you can get, you can just have that streamed into your house, you can see loose sanders and Athena could blend you if you go ticketex.co.uk and yeah, and just search for tickets there or the link will be in the show notes. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Come along.

Come along, please. Join us. Let us come along. But in the meantime, let's get into the festive spirit. When's this going out? This is going out. Are you Christmas? We are, yeah, oh absolutely mate. Oh. In fact, I think if you're listening to this on the meantime, let's get into the festive spirit. When's this going out? This is going out. Is it going out? We are, yeah, oh, absolutely mate.

Oh. In fact, I think if you're listening to this on the day it comes out. This is the 6th of December. Oh. Well for me, it feels like we're kicking Christmas off then. Christmas has begun, guys. Let's start Christmas. This is it.

Woohoo! Listen to this. Get into the festive mood. It's December again and we're going to have an absolute ball. It's, it's a sweet and Christmas special. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you.

I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the flat. Has meat in. What temperature should we set there? Has beaten, beaten, beaten. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has beaten, beaten, beaten.

Who went my bed while I was sleeping? This half a has beaten, beaten, beaten. What's the point? Does life have a mean, has beaten? Yo, ho, ho. Please, that pirate, that's pirate system. LAUGHTER We're off to a flying start for our Christmas special. Oh, Jim, no, is that what the parrot says, right?

Is that, yeah. Or is that what the Santa says? I think Christmas was a concern for pirates. I can't imagine they partook in it. Do you think every day is kind of like Christmas day? They're always singing, they're always drinking, you know, grog, they're always at a time of it. They're constantly getting presents. Yeah. Lots of boxes around. Hats, good hats.

Yeah, absolutely. In fact, there are some Christmas crackers that would give you like a pirate's hat as your special hat to wear. You're special hat to wear. You're not talking about that. Have you got your special hat to wear? These crackers are amazing. Everyone gets a special hat to wear. Massive crackers. How expensive are your crackers?

Well, you know, you get some year's... A Fagora. You get a deal. Everyone gets a sombrero. I don't know how you screw a driver for me. Yeah, that's it isn't it? No, but sometimes you'll get a paper hat that isn't like the crepe paper crown. It'll be like a two-part thing

that you sort of fix together. I know what you mean, but I've never had a cracker with such things. Two bits of kind. Oh, well, if you get the really high ends, like M and S ones, you know, like every now and then you'll have to live, you see. These are the Southern Christmas

for you guys. We don't have this kind of thing in the Midland. In Wolverhampton we just have to wear a piece of coal. That was all you wore. Well you have your tree presence and you're the present. You know like it's a different world down there in there. On the Kent borders. Come on down man it's wonderful life. We have two parts. We have a great time. Yeah, so you can have every two days. You put part one on a Christmas Eve. Stay tuned for Christmas Day for part two. It's like a really

good festive drama. You know, you find out how it finishes on Christmas day. So, yeah, so this is going to be a very exciting Christmasy episode this of Housemaid. Arr, it is. Arr, me, Arty. For sure. I'm just thinking because they were in international waters a lot. I don't know. I don't know. Sure, let's get on it.

I didn't mean to set him off again. I said the note. Turn this ship around to be mine. Turn this ship around. I don't know which time zone we're in. Forget Christmas. Yeah, I think time zones and local traditions probably left them thinking best leave out. Do you think so, David?

Do you think they were sort of going, like they were sailing around a bit like if you're on a plane, right? You know, if you're on a plane for Christmas, you've done that, haven't you, Barry? Two years ago, yeah. Two years ago. Three years ago, three years ago, maybe.

Yeah. When you went to different times, I wanna ask you that question because you used to go really long time to answer it. And it really freaked me out, like I'd say, like I'd revealed something, you were like, I can't wait for I can't wait to know anyone about this He'd already walked down the plank yet to walk back up to give his answer

Two years ago skip the day completely Yeah, just didn't have any Christmas and I'll tell you what Didn't miss it Well get another great start for our Christmas at the same time Can we talk more about pirates than Christmas? And I don't really like Christmas. Is this just because you want to be a pirate? So, you try to...

It just... It wasn't awful. It wasn't awful to not... It's kind of like... But, well, I think I've got on record and said this. It's my least favourite... Day of the year. Day in the Christmas.

You know. In the Christmas days, it's my least favourite day is the day itself. Christmas day. Yeah, I guess the run up to Christmas is a lot of fun. And I've got no problem with it getting earlier and earlier every year. You know, people say, oh, they've got the decorations that we haven't had Halloween yet. I love it. I love it. And also it's not sure. No, it starts about the same time every year. I think it. I love it. And also it's not true. No, it's it starts about the same time every yeah, I think I think it starts just after Halloween. When it get rid of all the plastic tat that you haven't bought for Halloween and they're sticking all the plastic tat you're about to buy for Christmas day. Love it. Absolutely love it.

Are you alright Tommy? You having a tech issue. Yeah, but I'm okay. I'm okay. You sure? You sure? I feel like I rode it through. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm okay. You sure? I feel like I rode it through. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was seamless. That was one. There was one bit where we could feel the gear's changing on the plane. But apart from that.

Yeah. I basically didn't hear you ask that question. No, no, no, no. You did very well to answer it. You took it the landing. You took a chance and you went, oh yeah. Yeah, anyway, no worry about that. I was very happy Christmas even boxing day, wallup, and I thought, you know what, I've actually better for it. Lighter on my feet than I got to that plane. Of course. I mean, I'm sure we're trading over all ground here, but did they serve a

Christmas dinner or anything like that? Did they sort of, they didn't ring a bell and go Merry Christmas everybody in this particular time zone? No, just ignored it. Bosh through it, like the pirates would. Oh, yeah. The pirates having a Christmas in every port. That's the, that's the, like the old film. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit of a dimpley, the around the world. Pirates of Dibbley.

I'd watch the Pirates of Dibbley in a heartbeat. Yeah. I'd absolutely watch that. Because you know what, that is what happens at Christmas. They will do like, you know, I mean, more so comic relief. They would do a mash up, but I could, but I can really see them doing a Christmas special, the Pirates of Dibbley, and Dawn French is a pirate sailing from Port to Port.

Obviously, you know, ransacked a lot of the local culture. They're gonna be treated. He's quite a lot of time. Quite a lot of time. Quite an episode until the last five minutes, so yeah, it's somewhat really brutal. Quite a lot of Quaint episode until the last five minutes when she gets somewhat really brutally. Quite a lot of slaughter, yeah. Quite a lot of slaughter. When she goes to jump in the puddle and the puddle is deeper than it is, she goes to jump in the sea and it's as deep as she's the only one.

She's the only one, yeah. Does she face there then? One more, one more. But yeah, I see Pirates of Dibbley as their feature length Hollywood's expansion. Yes. Yeah, because Abba Fabb got the Hollywood remake. Where is the Vicar of Dibbley movie? Good. Well, sadly, most of them are dead now. Oh, yeah. But with CGI, it quite a shame. Yeah they do it like with Star Wars where they CGI people back into the film. If you can have Carrie Fisher in the Star Wars movies you can definitely have all of the you know Roger Lopak and the rest of them.

You know yes okay it might be a bit alright, do it as an animated thing. And have... Do it as an ardmond, right? I'm sorry. Is the pitch... I'm gonna take the liquid of dinner. Okay, so you enjoy all the cast and make them pirates. Yeah, that works. You had worse meetings. I've had worse meetings, I've had worse meetings this week. LAUGHTER

This isn't the worst bit I've had this week, and it's Monday at midday. LAUGHTER It's gonna be a lean Christmas in the cross-bale house, old. I'll take you off. You are only half a hat each everyone. There's no double hats this year. Oh God, how am I going to break it to the kids? As anyone who has had a...

We've had quite a controversial family chat about my brother and I are trying to pair down Christmas and say we're just going to buy for the kids every year. I might restart my brother, I've pushed back on it and we couldn't resolve it. And so we're going into a 50-50 split where they're just buying for each other and we're not me and my brother aren't buying for them. It feels worse. It feels like a bad right to go. Yeah, I had that last year where I put out a thing

on the WhatsApp and went, look, we're not doing presence this year for adults, we're all adults, right? We've all got kids. Let's just give presence to the kids. That's the best system. And everyone agreed, and then a couple of days later, on a separate WhatsApp, there was, you should get sort of a mum and dad though, right?

We should get sort of a mom and dad, and I went, nope, and I assumed everyone would go, like yeah, well, we don't need to. And I was the only person who didn't buy something for my parents. The other three siblings were like, yeah, we should get up from a mom and dad. I was like, no, you have to,

like if you make a rule, you have to have a rule because then it's unfair on mom and dad when you're giving them a present, and they're going, oh right, I thought we weren't doing presents because now, but anyway, you're totally right because we've stopped doing presents for each other only for the kids a couple of years back, but we still buy for our parents and you can see that our parents don't really enjoy it that much.

You know, we've seen your mum's house, we'll get out the address in a second, but we've seen your mum's house, it's full of stuff. Oh yeah. It's absolutely that. And that's why it's always awkward because like don't buy them things. I think it's like, oh, you buy it. Concepts get them. We've got this person who's just performed it out for you now.

It's going to come in. He's going to, she might take it off. It's awesome to leave. That's not bad, that. I bought you a pile of things. Actually what I've done is I've got into the house I've wrapped one of your current piles of things. You can just come into the hallway and unwrap it.

I mean, I also added confusion that it's my mum's birthday on the same day. So there's even, there's doubling up on things. Your mum is a festive birthday, it is a festive birthday, she's got Christmas day birthday. Oh boy, you've got to go. Oh you can't believe your grandparents resisted. You've got to go with a festive name when you've got the chance.

What are your top names? Obviously there's Holly, there's Rudolph. Well it was an IV. Is Holly, IV, yeah. Santa. Santa, Santa. Very joys. Maybe Jesus Chris Herod you go herod if you want to go into the slightly the less popular characters in the little donkey Little donkey clockies mum

It's not a bad name for her. Not a bad name for a person. It is It is a bad name for a person. It is. It is a bad day for a person. It's a terrible name. It's a beauty. Yeah. Yeah, it's a terrible name. Thank you for picking me up on that. It's okay.

I didn't want you to leave this meeting thinking that it was a good name. I think I... I should say, the meeting I had at 11 today was with Parry. He was pitching me names. How tied are you to this Thomas Perry name you've got? I don't know, it's for you, man. I've never been to this.

How do they make bread and no wheat in the past? How do they do? As a little treat, what we thought we'd do as a special... For the special presents. For the special presents. For the presents. For the presents. Oh! Oh!

I didn't check the WhatsApp. We have asked our patrons to ask us some festive questions or to give us some festive topics to pick through and we thought we could answer some of those as we go through. Clarky, do you want to start us off? What if it was? What if you could do instead of Q&A? Qdolf the You know if they're in this reindeer I don't know that I just

Mean yeah, but if it is glowing red I've got some cream you could apply to it that might sort of a situation out Rudolph the anal charlials. Rudolph the fish had reindeer. With piles and piles of presents. Right for the four yellowies. Clarke, did you have a question that you thought was? I do have one, yes. What time should Christmas dinner be served now?

This is quite... Yeah. What? Straight down the middle question. It's pure question. It's pure, yeah. It's pure. Sorry, I thought you said four, and I was like,

what are we going to do? The four next question. The four next question. We at the Clark household have a very late Christmas dinner and it really upsets me. It's a tough old day isn't it? The later the dinner, the worse the day gets because you're starving all day. I think psychologically your brain goes, well I shouldn't be starving from the second I wake up.

You're also possibly drinking which can also make you hungry, and you're snacking, but in a really, you're like, well I don't wanna, like, obviously I'm gonna eat all these peanuts and these chips, you know, the chips, yeah. I've got the fish. I was gonna say, I'll talk you through the process there.

I was gonna say kettle chips, and I thought, no, they'll absolutely rinse me for that. So I was gonna say, I'm gonna I thought, no, they'll absolutely rinse me for that. So I'll say, I'm gonna say crisp, since they've been pinnets and chips. I'm gonna say crisp, but then my, I was already halfway through saying kettle chips, and I'm like, anyway, yeah. You were absolutely, we were laughing.

We were laughing. We were laughing. We were laughing. Well, that's your main Sunday roast, isn't it? Yeah, chip buddies. Chip back, you wasn't pinnets, chip buddies chip back you was in peanut sprinkled on top Don't mind it served out of a wheelbarrow. Yeah I really I was really trying to play down my passion is there. We don't have to get the chips of course. Yeah, we do

Oh wow all the way, but yeah, you don't want to be eating too many of those you know know, you don't want to be having too many of you like, we have these festive, parmesan, sunda, tomato, parmesan, stars we have. And they're so delicious, you can eat loads of them, but you don't want to be. Jesus, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Please mate, come on. Give me a little anyway. Give me a little away.

The love of God, it's Christmas, man. Allow me my son Dr. Marto's bestie, Bob is that stars. That sounds delicious. They're delicious. They are. They are, they really are. But also, and I'm sure I've mentioned this on the part,

I'm cooking Christmas dinner for the first time ever, this year. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I might be in my own words if I get behind schedule. Ruby, you're on dinner. I might not be eating anything if I cook it so badly. Yeah, what time are you getting up? Have you planned that already? If you haven't, I haven't done any scheduling yet,

but my brother sent me the spreadsheet. He put together when he did Christmas dinner and it is fucking batshit. Oh yeah, you've got to start a couple of days in advance. It's really, yeah, it's hard work. He's got boxes for different things. And you've got boxes for different things. He's got boxes for different things. Have you ever seen the first time you've seen a spreadsheet?

Is it just your first time looking at a spreadsheet? He wrote it out. Are you talking about food because Kalki puts all of the food in one box gives it a really good shake. Six in the oven for two hours takes out whatever's in there. That's your inbox meal. He loves your one box meal. Oh nothing better than a one boxer.

The good thing is with a one box meal. Oh, nothing better than a one boxer. The good thing is, was a one box. When you put it into the oven, by the time you take it out, there is no box. That's got. You've just got the content. If you like it. Just around the ashes, yeah. He ran the chart, ran to the box. Yeah.

So, at the time. I reckon 2pm. Remind us of the number. I'll give my mother a little space. Yeah. He said it. Yeah, so at the time and 2pm, Reminds of the number? Uh, 12 please. I'll give it a 12. I just said it.

I'm cooking for 12. Cooking for 12. Cooking for 12 and eating for 2 A.C. Oh my god. Always. So what's the dream? What's the dream? 12 people sit down at 2pm, yeah? Yeah, maybe a bit earlier, but I think I think for Christmas,

everything should be delayed a bit. You have a bit of a late breakfast, bit of a later. A bit of late lunch. Sure. Sure. I think the correct answer is you want the, you want to be finishing just as the Queen speech starts. No, I mean speech, but like a critic. Traditionally, I think that is how you need something to take your bearings on what can be quite a rudaless day. And I think the one function that Queen

Speech gave us was it was a stake in the ground for you to orientate your day around. It's like the universal, it's like there's your Greenwich mean time. So I think Queen speech starts at three, traditionally I think. Right, okay. So I would say you wanna be coming into finish and that's like, you know, you're saying you're putting whatever.

You mince pies and your coffees, so that people can then gravitate to You know they don't have thoughts quiz, but they if they wanted to the options there So that for me puts you at a half one sit down at the latest. Yeah, I think that's very good. I mean I lane for one that means you'll be sitting down for half one Yeah, and that means with grazing and you know a couple of puds. It's been out a bit of coughing. Everyone's happy for three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with that 100%. And also I think the early of the better, if people said we're having Christmas dinner at midday, I wouldn't complain. I'd be delighted. I'd be absolutely happy with that. The early the better, I reckon. I, you know, no one's ever sat down for dinner at three o'clock and thought this is the perfect time. They've always thought, well, I'm absolutely starving now and I haven't said a word for half an hour. Mate, we don't have it until like 7pm. Right.

Well, this leads me into the next question I want to ask. Please. This is from Al. This is from Al. Who was that last question from? Al again. Al, I tell you what, Al's got some very good questions here. Tom, if you choose Ben or Matthew's Christmas? Oh. What would you go with the deal? Certainly Matthew's. That's fair. Based purely on the last 15 minutes of chat.

Based purely on me reporting to Tom every Christmas day about the state of my Christmas day. Gifts of empty boxes. Yeah. Confusion over your mother's birthday. Your family not rocking up for dinner until four, five, six, tensions be cut around that timing of when to eat. Whereas the atmosphere that I get from a cross-be Christmas,

it exudes. It's like, you know, like when someone's come out of a boozer and they come over and they talk to you and they're smiling and they, you can smell the alcohol and their breath and it's all very merry. That's kind of the atmosphere I get from a cross-be Christmas. Like, he always sends out a really good picture just before, you know, on the Christmas Eve.

And it's like, oh look, he's having a happy, boozy time. There's always talk of an abundance of presents as well, we know from different orifices in the house. And then, you know, it just feels like it's a safe pair of hands around Christmas in the cross-be-world. Yeah, absolutely. We do have that, we do have obviously the hunt of every orifice in the entire house. Which is tradition.

All of the kids get to rummage around in any orifice they can find. Put your hands in. As long as it's growing and red, you can get it open there. Charts as I am. Like operation. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the eldest member of the family lies down on the kitchen table and the youngest member of the family puts their hand in and whatever they pull out they get to keep.

Last year, I got the wishbone. Crucially what Crosby has, which I think most people up and down the country will be envious of is a partner's family that is within a very short distance, not only of their own house, but of their family home. Yes, you've got a dream triangle geographically. Thank you. For Christmas. Yes, 15 minutes each way, basically.

If you're in any one of the, if you're in any one of the three locations, you're 15 minutes away from the other two. It's perfect. It is perfect. A short enough distance to drive, pissed. To drive. This is what I've been saying for years.

For Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. I am driving. Charlie's doing a Teen Wolf style that hands down on the roof. We've got to mix, to mix a, a multi-wook fly, a micro-joy fox.

We've got Cleo hanging off the back on his gateboards. It's perfect. It's great, yeah. Yeah. It's absolutely, it's a wonderful time. It's the most wonderful time of the year, obviously. But I think that's the dream. Yeah, 15 minutes, both from your house

and either parent's house. So you're not doing the whole, right? Well, Christmas day here, then getting the car, then drive half of Boxing Day to be there. That, you know, the geographical challenges, which, you know, let's be honest, no one really needs around the Christmas. No, no, no, no, no, thank you. Clark, you're doing a remote. You're doing like a Christmas romcom holiday style Christmas, aren't you? Yeah, all the way up in Scotland for no good reason. I say. So what you're all traveling, you're all traveling to Scotland,

despite the fact there's no one there who, yeah, that's right. There's a part of Megan's family who live up north, but nowhere near as far as Scotland, they're like in Hull. Right, so they... I would have thought a midpoint would be sensible, but a bit more the way up to Scotland. So they live in like Hull, right? And you guys live in the Midlands, right?

That that far? Oh yeah, but I mean, my parents aren't involved. living like Hull, right? And you guys live in the Midlands, right? That fact. Well, yeah, but I mean, my parents aren't involved. Your parents are over. Okay, fair enough. So, right, but then surely the Midlands would be the point, wouldn't it? Yeah, perfect. Somewhere around the Midlands would be the,

we could triangulate that. That'd be a foretriangle, but no, that's not. Maybe then there is something, I actually, I think there's something to be said for, you know, the first year that we got, the first year after we were married, we did the Airbnb too, we just went off to a lovely location in the Cotswolds and that became our Christmas and there isn't going to be said for, you know, it stops everybody from kind of,

it stops, it makes everyone muck in, it's what it does, right? Yeah, I think that's true. It makes everyone muck in, it's what it does, right? Yeah, I think that's true. It means no one can be like, well, it's my house, I feel obliged, I should be doing all the work, or it's not my house, I feel like I shouldn't be doing anything. If you're all in a neutral location. It's a level playing field.

It's actually, it can be. I think one of my favourite Christmases was lockdown Christmas. But when Christmas got cancelled. Yeah. So it was just at home. Took the pressure off didn't it? With your other half. It was nice.

Well you love it so much, you're going engaged, didn't you? True. That's what got swept up in the day. Yeah. I've taken Matthew's advice and got one of those really fancy crackers. And it just happened there was a review of it. I've been waiting to know about it.

You haven't got a cracker from Hatten Garden, that was your mistake. Why is this cracker cost 700 quid? It may have been a small hat. Save cracker. Okay, I've got a question for you. Yes. As they are so good, why don't we eat mince pies all year round? I think I know the answer to this one. Go on.

I don't think they're that good because we eat them at a really good time. It's a very Pavlovian reaction that we have. I think if you took mince pies away from Christmas, people would be like, what are those weird pies? And they're still eating it there. away from Christmas, people would be like, what are those weird pies? And I'm still eating them. But because Christmas is like, if Christmas was like- Yeah, it'd be like something you're like,

you go to your nams house and you'd be like, oh, she always buys those weird pies. Those mince pies. I think some of them- I don't know. Like fruity but spicy, it's weird. There's just too much difference between a good one and a bad one as well. And you never know what you're going to get.

That's true. And this has got nothing to do with cost because sometimes the one with the actual really short-crusty, crumbly pastry that feels a bit cheap can be the best ones. I think level came second in the taste test this year. Oh my God, yeah, yeah, lovely. Pushed that guy. Lovely. But yeah, I also think that there's something, you know, that it's nice that we have certain things, you know, Easter eggs are good, but it will feel mad to eat one

mid summer, wouldn't it, you know. It will feel mad to crack open an autumn Easter egg. There are certain things that feel, I bet that feel amazing. He thinks that. What a taboo. When the weather, when the weather turns and it gets a bit like, get a bit frosty, having a lovely hot chocolate with an Easter egg on the side. Or

dip your Easter egg in your hot chocolate. Yeah. But there are certain things like, you know, like, um, D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw.

D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw.

D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. D-Waw. You know you peel the cross off and you eat the cross. Yeah, you know actually pirates came up with those. Really? As I hide their treasure in there.

Well the treasure is the bun. It's the X marks the spark. Yeah. But I think there's something to be said for not going berserk year round. Right? I'd love to see a parallel universe where mince pies are shorn of their connection to Christmas, and I bet you they are a brand that are in trouble Really?

Yes, also there is something inherently Like I think the best way to have Chris mince pies is to heat them up and have them with a bit of ice cream or brandy butter or something. If you're having them as a proper pudding, not just a thing. If you surround them with really nice things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah. But they do feel definitely like a winter pudding as it is. What we do in our household is we get the mince pie and we put an Easter egg next to

it. And then the serving suggestion is, chuck the mince pie in the bin, eat an Easter egg next to it. And then the serving suggestion is, chat the mince pie in the bin, eat the Easter egg. Have a finish off with the hot cross bun. Well, every time, yeah. In my head, mince pies used to be a year-end thing. They started to die out and someone connected them, someone smart, Don Draper style connected them to Christmas.

That's an saved,, saved a dying brand. Like they did to the walnut, because now in, in like Sainsbury's or Tesco's whatever, you see those big bags of walnuts that they're selling. And you go, if you put that in in the springtime, nobody's buying a big bag of walnuts, but it's because it's got a sort of festive connection. Walnuts are a real hassle to open.

You need, you know, you need the jaws of death, basically. They call the jaws of life, aren't they? Always call the jaws of death. And they call the... Don't worry, man. Don't worry, man. We're gonna say, we're gonna use the dose clause wrong.

Don't worry, man. We're getting the jaws of death. That's what I'm gonna worry, because we're getting the Jersey death Because it feels like the Jersey death sounds like I'm going to be chucked in my car, you will be The Jersey death, if I had a robot on robot wars, that's what I call it The Jersey death But yeah, you've got some kind of shark style fin Oh, yes, please. Yeah, yeah've got some kind of shark style fin. Oh, yes please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A big shark style fin that actually, you know, like, was it a killer lot? The hat, it could like have like a scorpion's tail, but like the fin leaps over its own face and like thwing, thwing's the robot in front of it. That's what it would be. And then, but obviously, I'd mainly use it

for cracking walnuts. That's what I say. I've mainly use it for cracking walnuts. I say I've had bought this pack of walnuts mom for Christmas. Good news is all the walnuts are open. Bad news is I killed the cat. Oh man. But yeah, they're a total they're a total of all like walnuts. And once you get inside, they don't taste that great anyway. But somebody has, somebody has, somebody's given a bit of the old festive PR spin and turn them into.

Oh, that's roasting on an open fire. Exactly, exactly. The Perry K. Mo K. P. Exactly. Yeah, I wonder if that was it. Do you think there was mince being served? Like, when are we talking? Are we talking like, you know, Henry VIII's time, Perry?

It feels like the back of the day, you know. I bet if you go through, you're such a fan of the phrase back in the day to me anytime it isn't. Now, our meeting at 11 a.m. was back in the day, wasn't it? It was. I think if you... I've already picked a peep, he's showing down on a mince pie in April. Oh, yeah.

It was the older Ryan, wasn't it, a divorce-beheaded mince pie? That's right. That's very good, man. As Clarky's Christmas treat, we're going to laugh it on of his jokes. Yeah, really, no. It really is like the flow actually. We tried it, and that. Yeah. Like Mint's pies, they're only really good around, you know, once a year, really.

So there you go. That's a special treat for Luke Crosby. We laughed it on of... So... Hold your messages on the Patreon and no more WhatsApp saying you should have given that more. We gave that exactly what is Ernie, it was lovely stuff. Here's another question, this time from Ray. I'm not sure where this question has come from, I know question has come from.

I know it's come from Ray, but what's the sort of inspiration behind it, but it's a good question, I think. It's a really good question. Best square present, circular present, and triangular present. I mean, it's, you know. Is this someone who's looking at a box of quality street? Oh, in answer. A question. Yeah.

My first thought was definitely toblurown for... For triangular presents. I mean, you don't have a lot of options really of triangular things. Would you... A warning sign for when you've broken down on the... No, to a... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that, by the the way is exactly the sort of thing that when you've, it's last minute and you've not got anything for your dad. It's got real sort of service station on the way over. It's, yeah, it's a warning sign for two different kinds of breakdowns. A pirate's hat? Oh yes. Try corner hat. I love you. Oh, yes, the Tri-Core of Hat. I was thinking like a tent, you know, like a... You wouldn't give it erected, wouldn't you? No, you wouldn't. But it's a bit so excited you are to give it to a project.

I'm not letting you weigh up the tent. Look at this little tent on- Great, it anyway, open this three, man. It would feel...it would feel tubular, wouldn't it, if you were giving it? I feel like it's a good thing. I was really, I was really, we still talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent.

I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent.

I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking about the tent. I was talking we got a T.P. for the kids. So that is sort of a kind of approximation of triangular. Hey, by the way, I'd love to know this parents. What are can I just say we're not your parents? Is the thing you'd love to know whether you're a son or not? Is this like when you call the teacher mum by accident? By accident. Can I be sorry? Can you be my mum?

Please miss honey, take me home. Give me the Christmas I always wanted. Did it ever happen? Did it ever happen? Did it ever happen? Did it ever happen? Did it ever happen? I've been to the Christmas dinner with my mind.

What is the kind of present you get given that you're like, I've got the Christmas dinner with my mind. What is the kind of present you get given that you're like for your kids? Your kids get given that you're like, oh, fuck it out. Not this. Do you have that? No, this. We've already got three of them. The film, sorry, machete the film. Because we've got a blue-ray player. Who's still watching DVDs? Come on.

What are the kind of presents that you... You know what? Like, I don't think we're at that stage yet. Like, where... A lot of the presents we get given. I mean, a lot of the presents that you get given that you go, although never touch this, are presents from people who don't have kids

who want to buy you the coolest thing in the kids, in like the baby shop or whatever, you know. So it will be the, you know, like, like, I mean, I'm not gonna say. Is this the one? I'm not gonna say it's missy- I'm not gonna say it's missy- I'm not gonna say it's missy- I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous.

I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous.

I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous.

I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I'm not going to say it's mischievous. I didn't buy it for that reason. I just thought it looked cool. That's all. Although I have checked the orifice. There are no presents in it. So I actually have left you a little present Oh, it's a Santa's hat. Don't put that on your head You'll never get it back off again. But you're not sore, Sanyone. Oh, no. Oh, no.

But yeah, basically, the things that you think are cool and sweet and rustic-y-looking presence they're not bothered by. The things that are loud and plastic and you can press buttons, they make loads of noises, those are things they really like. And so, I think even as a parent when you first start, you go, well, they make loads of noises, those are things they really like. And so I think even as a parent, when you first start, you go, well, I'll really try and cultivate this wonderful that everything's gonna be made of wood and hand painted. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, they do like some of that stuff, yeah, we've got that stuff, but basically a big castle that sings, let it go from frozen. That's the sort of stuff they're really into, you know. I think you think the main thing is for me. Fuck that shit, man. Yeah, well that's the other thing, because it really into, you know. And he let you think of the mixin' noise for me. Fuck that shit, man. Yeah, well, that's the other thing, because it's like, what's good for them,

but also what's good for you? Oh, yeah. I'm wondering. And I'm wondering that are really into, like, those things, like, my mom loves like an electric thing that makes a noise. And, yeah. I mean, like, for example, my daughter's last birthday, someone bought her a dog that, like walks and talks and barks and stuff

But she doesn't know that because we've never put batteries in it That was actually dog I bought you Gotta put food in that. Yeah, it's not batteries that you needed Okay, that's, yeah. I was wondering why the GPS tracker wasn't moving quite as much as I was hoping it was going to. But yeah, I do not even, but then I, you know, they love him so much.

So I think you've got to lean into that sort of stuff. We've actually co-incidentally just got Cleo a little pirate ship that kind of fires cannons and makes noises and sings, you know, sing- Oh wow. Yeah, very Christmas. Yeah.

We're not saying, it's our way of saying, we're doing a pirate's Christmas this year, you get nothing. We're not actually celebrating Christmas. But yeah, I think you've just got to accept that that's what they're into, because it's not going to get better. You know, not until they become a hipster.

So that's a few years off. So you've got to lead into that paper. Right, so have we established the best, the best, oh yeah. That's the best triangular present. Sorry, I'm going in. I'm going in. I'm going in. I'm going in.

I'm going in. For a triangle. Yeah. I'm going in for a bear right? I'm going in for a mortar board. I'm a millenah. Yeah, no, it's not, you know, well, it's a, I congratulate you. By the way, I know the film is doing well, but... LAUGHTER

Did you realise it had cried by you that much money? LAUGHTER Oh, well... LAUGHTER Did we have a sketch? What's he wants to be a bit in there? No, no, but Barry Cryer made that joke on our Radio 4 pilot. There you go. That was what that was where it was from.

But yeah, it was technically it's ours. He's not using it. RIP Bars. Uncle Bars. So it's ours now. We're giving him a cameo in Pirates of Di- Pirates of Di- Pirates of Di- We're giving him a cameo. Of course. C. Gi- Pirates of Dibli. Pirates of Dibli, we're gonna become you. Of course. C. Giants. Which won't be weird, because everyone else is claymation, but it's fine.

At least, slightly hologram tour. Barry Christ doing a hologram tour. Well, he's the support act for every comes on at the start. That's 15 minutes. Guess the crowd on side. I'd love that. That'd be wonderful. It'd be great. Best, best square present.

I mean, I think basically I think square present and circular present. Can I say, vinyl LP as both, as both, yeah. And then I don't know what can you do for final LP as both, as both, yeah. And then I don't know, what can you do for triangular present? Toast?

Everyone has toast, right? I mean, Cleo did give Charlie a loaf of bread for a birthday and it was one of the most successful presents we ever had in the house. It was a great idea. What are you going to circular square and triangular cl Clarke? Circular ball. I'm taking Tom's idea from a few Epsbach or yeah a ball. Can't go wrong. Can't go wrong with a ball.

Can't go wrong. Everybody loves a ball. Square, I'm going for a chess board Yes chessboards are good one as well And pieces you're getting pieces as well you just get that unfortunately not well I'm getting you're getting one big triangle piece You should have gone with drafts if you could have had the board and you had drafts it Fucked it so you're going for chess board no no chess pieces, a ball and a triangular present. A timeline. A timeline of course.

Right, lovely. Parry, do you have another question? Yeah, predictions of the King's speech. Oh, this is a good question. Predictions of what the King is going to say this year. I mean, do you think it would be quite man if he didn't manage the Queen at all? It would be ballamon. Yeah. Do you think he would do it? You know, like, because there were a lot of memes going around, like him, like being angry at pens. Do you think he's going it? You know, like, because there were a lot of like, memes going around, like him, like being angry at pens.

Do you think he's gonna do a little bit of, like, stuff about, well, I hope someone gets me a pen that works and moves it out the way at the right time. Like that kind of stuff, you know, do you think he'll do any kind of like big, big, big, big, big gloves? And then what he's stepping is a song. He'll talk about the cue.

What? What? What would be right? It's true, there is a global cabal of pedophiles. I have a list. It's happened to no one. No, you should have seen it. If I was him, I'd call it off.

I'd be like, this is the last ever one. You raise him, baby. Yeah. Well, then what about for your, the thing is you use it for your timing for Christmas dinner. So you're gonna throw off everybody's Christmas dinners with your, you know, you're good. There's gonna be genuine chaos

because no one's gonna let me start that. Well, this is the document that he finds himself in, doesn't it? I think full stop, you know. I think this will be the year that everyone, but everyone will really realise that actually he's not very good. People, it just won't leave you with that feeling that the Queen's speech did that you've seen the Queen, and they'll be like, oh, it's him now.

Seriously? Hey, Tommy, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Barry Cryer introduced the Holler-Gamber the Queen. No, I'm talking. Oh, no, it's all good. As the alternative Christmas message, Barry Cryer introduced the Holler-Gamber the Queen and she says, and she does all the pen game instead. Straight after Pirates of Diably.

It's a good double bill. It's a real two-part hat. It'd be like an Oscar style, you know, like when they see GI people into it. It's like she's in her own queue. She's like, excuse me. Is this a cute post office? Hello David Beckham. No mom, but you won't like what's at the front?

Well, we'll have to get Frank Contra Boyce to write up the actual script for that It's working. It's in with the cameo of course you got a Beck and Paddington's there eat up all the marble-aid sandwiches Merry Christmas everyone. Yeah, yeah, love it coming up next Pirates of Diably. Yeah It's a. The perfect Christmas. How's BD? It's at the end of the week if you fancy tweeting. How's BD? There you go. I feel Christmasy now.

Beautiful, yeah. Perfect. I feel so, I mean, are you more excited now having done that episode, Tommy? You're more excited about Christmas day. Um, I, what, look, I'm a massive fan of the Christmas period. I'm actually really excited for Christmas Eve and boxing day. I can tell you that for nothing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Christmas Day itself is a tricky old season. Well, it's just number three in the list. That's all I'll say. The expectation is amazing on Christmas Eve. The aftermath is just wonderful. I'm boxing day and then Christmas Day in the middle. There's a lot of a lot of order of business to get through, you know, a lot of pressure, man, a lot of pressure. Absolutely. Well, thanks for listening everybody. Don't

forget TicketXt.co.uk to get tickets for the live stream of the Christmas show. And if you want to get discounted tickets, you can get discounted tickets for the live stream by going to patreon.com, forward slash Pappy's flat share and joining as a patron. Also, what we talk about is every year, give it as a gift. Give it as a gift. If someone loves Pappy's flat share, get them the Pappy's share.

That's a lovely idea. It's a lovely idea, give it as a gift. It would be weird for us to give it as a gift though. Well, that's what I'm getting from my parents this year. Imagine, imagine if you picked your brother out in Secret Sandwich. My parents would hate you. Patreon subscribers. Love that idea.

I've given them worse gifts. Anyway, yeah, lovely idea. Give us a gift. There's all sorts of exciting things to have when you join the Patreon. You get to be apart of the community. You get bonus podcasts and fun little things that happen along the way. Um, right, have a lovely time until we speak next. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham.

Corsham Tee! Cheers everyone! Bye!