Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Tiny Hot Mouth, Tiny Cold Eyes) S12E11

Episode Date: April 12, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. Tiny mouth, tiny eyes, and a tiny gameshow format with dancing feet.LIVE IN PERSON SHOWSMACHFEST SATURDAY 30TH APRIL https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2022/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-5/MACHFEST SUNDAY 1ST MAY https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2022/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-6/Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listen to Dear I'm Tom. I'm Ben and I am Matthew and welcome to our uploader uploader uploader uploader uploader. What are you doing? Tonight we're doing it in reverse. Yeah, I really just I you know I tell you what I really couldn't control my tongue there and that is very appropos for the topic in tonight's episode of House Meeting. It's an evening record and you know I'm not gonna lie, things took an evening turn. I think that's fair to say. It's a romantic episode. It's an nostalgic romantic episode of House Meeting. I've really enjoyed it. I thought it was a very nice chat. And it's also very nice to kind of still find out stuff

about each other. It's true. So look forward to finding out about us over the course. It's like we'll get off of each other in the show. Wow. Oh, well, there we go. Listen, we were almost going to do this in person. Imagine what a record it would have been.

Just to say that we are gonna be at the Mac comedy festival, which is the bank holiday weekend at the end of April, start of May. We're gonna be there on the Saturday and Sunday. So we've got shows at 11.45 AM. Nice early morning, start your day strong, come and see flat shear slam down, then go about your

day, see all of the, as many of the fantastic other shows as you can. I've been looking at the line up, it's really, really good. It's really such a great first. Best weekend in comedy of the year, in our opinion, and a lot of other people's opinions. So if you've never thought about going, this might be the year to absolutely treat yourself. It's true. Well, get thinking about it because it's right soon. But genuinely, one of the best celebrations of comedy around. Yeah, it really is Tom. No, I backed you on that. It's Friday, 29th of April until Sunday the 1st of May 2022, Mac comedy fest, M-A-C-H,

comedyfest.co.uk to get your tickets. I still cannot reveal quite yet the guests, but I've got a couple of very exciting possibilities. Yeah, yeah. I was putting the word in today, fingers crossed, and a couple of possibly returning guests, possibly someone we've never had before. But yeah, the lines are nice. It's gonna be good fun. So we'd love to see you there. And yeah, of course, do join the Patreon,

if you fancy joining the Patreon, it's say, Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare. What do you like the most, Clarky about the Patreon? What is it that appeals to you about our Patreon? I like the community, I like getting to know the listeners, we get great letters in an email from Coruscans.

We should say that is one of the tears, Clarky becomes your friend, he comes and hangs out with you, he gets know you. It's just for a couple of days, and to your house, until he decides he knows you well enough and then he leaves. Yeah. A lot of people are being up for that. I think that's actually not a bad tier to ask. They might be up for it in theory, but to practice with me. I think you're a lovely fellow to live with. I mean, I've lived with you in, for many Edinburgh festivals, always, always,

hang on, hang on. You don't think it's a nice guy to live with. That's not living with him. That's spending three or four weeks of the year with him. How long do you think these people are gonna be spending with him? Living with him is a different prospect. Well, I'm saying is the Patreon listener is going to be like,

you're going to leave that plate there. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, straight off the coffee table, thank you very much. Parry. Is there a possible concern that you're a bit too much of a fuss but that you're worried about plate location? No, I will say this, I think clocking on a very different housemates than we were back in the day. So I do think you'll have a lovely time if you're in a different class. You've got to do that too. Anyway, patreon.com, forward slash page flat share. Get on board,. Anyway Patreon.com forward slash PAPYFlatShare.

Get on board, join the Patreon. Come and see us at Mac. We've got some more London dates coming up quite soon at a FlatShare slam down. So look out for those. But in the meantime, enjoy this wonderful episode of PAPYFlatShare House Meeting. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk.

I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping?

This has a has meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Ik heb altijd een winkel. Hoe heb je mijn bed als ik een sleeper heb? Ik heb een winkel. Wat is het dat het leven heeft? Ik heb een winkel. Een krasmomentje wel. Wat? Een krasmomentje wel. Wat?

Ik sta in de neus. Ja, een krasmomentje wel. Kijk, je kunt een krasmomentje voor de horecaord? Yeah, actually small. Could you, you're going to go small amount for the whole record? Small amount of... Big would you? Would you rather a small amount or small eyes? That's a good question. I don't know, I think there's something a little bit untrustworthy about either. I think

small eyes is probably less. You're less likely to trust someone with small eyes than a small mouth, but I don't trust either. I don't trust that. A small mouth, I'd say, I wouldn't say that's untrustworthy, personally. You're in some kind of disaster situation and this car screeches off and the guy won't then the winner and says, good tune. You're going to have to take for a second. Because he sounds like an owl. Quick, that was my smile, my foist. Yeah, but can I ask Tom and then of course yeah, please When have you encountered somebody who's mouth is so small that it is affecting the way they speak

That you Enough to yeah, but I think that's proportional. We're not saying we think people who are who are small all over Other way, I mean, I don't I know for a fact. I'm not trustworthy, but that's a separate issue. Nothing to do with size. But I've been doing the size of your eyes all you know, I had a quick scan once just before I dropped that opinion bomb, I had a quick look on zoom to check that neither of you have a particular small man, small eyes. And apologies to any listeners who may suffer from that malaise, but I don't trust you. I think I've got quite small eyes actually. Ssss. I mean, I don't, I mean, I don't think,

I mean, how small is a small eye though, isn't it? Cause I, I mean, I know some people have very big eyes, but isn't there just like, isn't there like a normal sized eye and big eye. I can't think of any one I've seen that has either an abnormally small mouth or a normally small eye. That's because you hang around with very trustworthy people. No, no, because I mean... You have over the years trained yourself to avoid it. It's like natural selection. You

filled your life with big eyed, maids, big hearted individuals. Well big mouth people are certainly true, but I would say, I mean I don't think, I don't think my, you know, when I'm out in, when I'm out in public, which I'm, I don't see eye size, is that what you say? I just don't, I don't, I certainly don't notice it. I don't think I can think of anyone. It's like because you've got teeny tiny eyes. I can think of anyone. It's like, because you've got teed-e-tidy eyes, man. Because my eyes, my eyes, my position, heal myself. I'm an optician.

I'm an optician. The kingdom of the small-eyed man. I'm an optician, heal, I have a finnly kingdom of the small-eyed man. You know, you just see other small-eyed people, they realise it. It's a less pithy quote, the one about the kingdom of the small-eyed man. Less pithy quote. And you learn a lot less from it, I would say. But it's a hell of a way to finish a novel.

Yeah, I'm just gonna dress you a building to that point all the way through. For a second there, I thought you were saying to hell of a way to finish and you were gonna log off. But it's a hell of a way to finish. This has been another great episode, see you later. Good ball, everyone. I'm sorry. I you later. Good morning everyone. I'm sorry.

I'm sure I know. I'm trying to think now that people are mentioned but like I do know a couple of people who don't, who talk so small. It's an issue. I think that might be stupid mess. They talk so small. twisting your melon, man. I, yeah, and I also think, yes, I think, especially in my youth, kissing someone with a small mouth, that's when you really realize what you're up against. One of my early partners,

what you're up against. One of my early partners was a small math, it was a small math kisser. I can't afford it. I was, you know, two different sizes going on here. Yeah, I think there's also, there's two different techniques going on. Oh, because I knew that was something that got you. Are you as a teenager?

I think a lot of us were a big, slightly untamedamed open-goved kisser. Cause like, dislocating like a snake dislocates his jaw. Now, I think I was slow to that stuff. I think I was quite, I think I was quite tentative in my technique for a while. I'll tell you this much Tom, as I remember, you're very loud kisser. Well, that opens the bando a lot of me. It opens the bando A lot of questions.

All I'm saying is, initially, and I think this is before I was kissing around Benz, like I don't, before I was in Benz, before I was in Benz, neck of the words. That's the words you have to say. I think I was a tentative kisser. Okay, yes, but if you were kissing somebody, and she was, maybe she was matching you, though, maybe your tentativeness thought, she thought, well, I can she if you were kissing somebody and she was maybe she was matching you though

Maybe your tentativeness thought she thought well, I can't go the whole hog here I can't do the old flip top head like the The whole snog exactly I can't do the whole snog. I've got to I've got to miss you I've got to match him because you know you want you want someone who's your level of kissing right? Okay, if you're gonna kiss somebody you want to be it you know you don't want someone who's your level of kissing, right? Okay, if you're gonna kiss somebody, you don't want someone who's gonna really go for it and throw you off, right? That's interesting.

Yeah, that is interesting, actually, because I think everyone has their slightly own, their own style of kissing. But if you're kissing someone, you kind of have to sink your styles, don't you? Do you reckon if those, I mean, I'm sure this is the kind of thing I'm asking for. If there was a game show where your partner was in a lineup

before the people and you're on your own, you're on your own. Oh, they've done that. Yeah, I've definitely seen that. Do you reckon, do you fancy your chances? Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me finish. Do you fancy your chances of getting a bone wrong

Do you fancy a chance pick a small lips sink ships Another another phrase it doesn't teach you all that much. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah. But it's a great way to end. So do you, you're, you're saying, good night everybody. You're saying, parry. Yeah.

Because I feel like we're, we're, we're, we're going in quite, excuse the pun, quite a lick here. And I feel like there's so much I'd like to pick through. That's, you've got to sink charts. You have to sink pieces. By the way, earlier on in this, you said, and this is absolutely classic, Barry, you went, well, these poses a lot of questions.

You asked no questions, then you did three statements back to that. Well, this thing that Ben said poses a lot of questions. Anyway, here's four things that I think. It will be my opinion. I was answering those questions. Were they actually... Which is the most I think. Having to vocalize an entire, at your tiny mouth.

LAUGHTER But, um, but if there was a television show, do you think your chance is a good of recognising? Now, you'd have to be blindfolded because you couldn't go on site could you? In a sense. On how you doing that? Were you caulking your nose?

Since taking out of the equation, maybe we just ship some peppermint oil or something going in. So your eyes are streaming with water? We take out a fix. A breach. A breach. I would you know you're getting off with your partner if you just been through a tear gas. Let's find out on my new show, Riot Love.

I think there's got to be a way to take center. You pump the studio full of like a cent. Yeah, you're fair about it. I think the phrase you'd pump the studio full of anything is always a bad start. I'd say, I'd pump the studio full of salmon when we were filming battles. I was a wardenervous guy.

He's an ade to a lot of food. Ah, side by, last night I forgot I was on the train and lent over to fart. Oh no. Oh yeah, I felt awful. Start of a two and a half hour journey. Oh my, it was really too custom to be in a home and farting. I'm not long out in the haze clocky. Don't judge me man.

I've got the train, I had a fart pop up and my could do in my office at home. I went, oh, let it over and let it rip and then realised I was hung the train around people. And how did the people around you? Oh, we first, their eyes and mouths got immediately smaller. And I'm so stupid. David, trust me, I'd trust them. But like, you know, it was just literally, it was like muscle memory.

I just thought, oh, I get rid of this. I was like, happy days, and then I suddenly realized, oh, no. Did you apologize? Did you? Did anyone say anything? No, I didn't. Look around. If I'm here, is everyone around? Sorry. LAUGHTER Opt off at Reading, and then all did the do, but... LAUGHTER

Got into that, immediately farted. Once they were rating. It sure, you give my way. No, I mean, I just went low and down, so I thought, if you look around, it feels like a bit of a... What do you reckon to that, everyone? No, it doesn't.

And if you say, sorry, then you kind of go, sorry, everyone, I just farted around and was like No, not everyone there was a few people you know the head friends about it by that point I didn't want to go to the table and be like guys listen I have an announcement to make I've got a second announcement I've been the box with a lot of questions What does that mean? Open the box with a lot of questions. Good night.

Yeah, tricky, tricky, tricky. So let's go back if I can, Tom. Sorry, as much as we enjoyed that diversion of you, at least a story about the time you farted on a train. Chapter four. And I got it. The big question is, if your partner had been sat in a different part of the tray, and possibly just the seat behind it without back to you, would she have recognised you? From the sound of the fart, that's a bad seat.

Maybe this is where we, maybe Riot Love, is just one part. It's one segment of a much longer series of sent-cery depravity. Oh, it's depraved, all right. Maybe that's the title of the show, century depravity, and it's like your score points on the kiss, the handshake, the... I'm immediately saying we don't need to do the handshake. It's good. Now this is a good one. The dancing feet, you have like a pulp fiction style twist stage. They're all wearing the same shoes. And the screen just from below your knees.

It's a much more civilized thing. I do like that. I do like that. And scientific making a traction, basically. So you only see the feet, you play the song, you dance along the line, and they can see you, you can see that, you know, they can see you, and like by the wonders of technology, you can see what they're like.

I don't know, we'll work that out. I'm thinking about like some kind of avatar, but it's then for the top off, because you want to go to get a gist of, but then you see these dancing feet, and it's like, and then you have to guess who's your partner's dancing. I would say Tom. And Tom, a silhouette would be able to do it, wouldn't it? There you go, that's it, a silhouette.

But then, actually, you're looking at the silhouette of the person, you can record it exactly. Yeah, exactly, that's not it. It's not, that's not it. Some kind of, but anyway, you can't have had a pre, you can't have had a pre-tip like chat where you go, I'm just gonna hop, you know. had a pre to like chat where you go, I'm just going to hop, you know.

Yes. I was thinking about this. Where's the code? Or you can't moose code your name. It's coming. Do you have a name? I mean, that's, yeah, I mean, that would be really, I tell you what, if you can dance in moose code your name to your partner, you win the competition anyway.

It's a separate competition, but you win it. I like it as an idea. So, they say, they say, I want to wiggle it down. There's four people dancing. They say, I want to wiggle it down to two people, right? So you exclude two people. You lock those people out, you've got two people. And then you say, okay, it's the next stage. You're going to shake their hand. You're going to shake their hand blindfolded. And then you've, so you've got the dancers the first stage, the second stage is shaking their hand. You're going to shake their hand blindfolded. And then you've got the dancers the first stage, the second stage is shaking their hand,

which ones are your partner? Get off with who you think your partner is. And you start getting off with the one you think it is. And the screen whizzes away. And then you partner next to the person you got off with and I go, bro, you're a side off. You're a ball. I think I'm like you're a ball the studio

it's like not right here then in front of us I don't know like you yeah you have that kind of reality TV kind of boy I've watched a lot of reality I was gonna say you're imagine the show is being made in Japan presumably then. Yeah, loads of sound effects and sort of weird emoji popping around over the place. That's probably it. How do they make bread and no wheat in? How do they make bread and no wheat in?

It's got a quick question. Please, come up in my head. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Excuse me, I'm out of stock. you gonna say I'm gonna be a statement? She's gonna give us the answer to this question. I haven't got to read you because it was gonna be a statement. Yeah, I was gonna What's gonna know? No, no, give us give us the question. Give us the statement first of all and we'll see if we can

When we were growing up, Morse code felt very important to very exciting and I fear now with the internet and smartphones the current generation of kids aren't going to have the same free sign of excitement and be more secure. But we didn't have Morse code when we were giving it. I was like it wasn't like that. You didn't use it. It just got out of 33.10 came along. Yeah it just got out of fashion the second No, but it was still there was still a vibe to it wasn't there in a way that I don't think they will be now like I Don't always be a vibe to it because it in certain situations. It's the only way you can communicate right what For the kids of today Yeah, you're if you're like trapped somewhere

And you've got no Yeah, if you're like trapped somewhere and you've got no searching. Yeah, go on. Or you've got like a torch and you're trying to signal someone. Yeah, you can morse code SOS or something. Yeah, but that's how many kids that's not that's not striking a chord with the kids are today. Our kids aren't going pop-hoaling, are they? What, what they're not not doing that? That hasn't gone out with the musk. I'm telling you, smartphones are the death of pot-hoaling. That's why you need anymore.

You can Google map your way into a cave. Get out again. I want to just pick a wider route. That's a really narrow hole up, something. We should go in there. I just don't think the atmosphere is right anymore for love of Morse code. I'll be interested to find out, but I think the atmosphere has changed now. I think secret codes will always be exciting to kids. Like writing a letter, coming up with your own codes,

that's always going to be exciting to kids, right, isn't it? Surely it's got to be. And... No, no, no, it's a tweet, isn't it, Matti? Oh, the kids tweeting in code. All right, Tom, what age were you using Morse code? Like, you know, I mean, firstly, you would never use Mor in code. All right, Tom, what age were you using? Morse code, like, you know, I mean, firstly, you would never use a Morse code. Let's just have a minute. Oh, I need a minute. But what age were you when you were writing letters

to your friends in code or like, you know? Like, obviously, Tom would leave the side and he would fart out. I'm stuck communicating in Morse code, mate. Everyone else needs the SOS, not you, mate. Trying to get the apology out for the fart was just heaping insult on to injury, let me tell you. Had to sharp my goodbye.

LAUGHTER No, I know. Like, the relationship we all have in us, the relationship we have in Morse code was, you find out about it, you think it's amazing, you learn SOS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fuck this actually your your business when you're eight years old to go under the Your business was constantly in danger or at least people thought it was because all you could say was SOS I like to perfect so Z now Tom so the train. But Tom, so what you're saying is this thing that you didn't like has disappeared. Well, no, I was in love with the idea of it. I'm just saying what the practicality is of when you actually came around to doing it. Like did you know you're now.

Okay, so that's the same as not liking it, right, Tom? Just a... No! You know you're not okay. So that's the same as not liking it right Tom just just Right if you're in love with the idea of something but the actuality of it isn't hard They're too hard. It's too hard. You don't like it. Then that's not Don't like us guys. You use the phrase You know what I say about all my favorite things fuck this You know what guys fuck this I'm a great No, I get it we're all pro codes Tom, but I think

The kids are pro code Computer code Real code. But not secret code, computer code, computer code killed the right computer code killed the right computer code killed the right computer code killed the right computer code killed the secret code. Start. You're all right Tom. You got to start. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh The worst thing is the mouse from finishing. That's the worst thing. The worst thing, Flarky. It just feels like it's been a long time. It does.

I've been doing it almost exclusively in Borskode. Just to get back to snogging. Yeah. Yeah, that was just... I know, because I feel like I haven't completed the snogging journey that we commence with. And I don't want to hear your guys snogging journeys as well. Thank you. But I would say mine was extremely tentative because I was unsure of French.

Yeah. So held off, held off. First partner was kind of pro-French but very small-mouthed. So I do feel like proper French. It was more like like the church. He's like a Jersey Islander. It's like a hummingbird. That weird thing. Sort of Vietnam. So top gun. Oh yeah. The bit that's in the deleted scene in a apocalypse now.

In the renax. Yeah. Exactly. It was not for a kid. He did a apocalypse now. In the renax, yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was a forensic kissing in Canada. Does he slog the mirror before his snows is there? There's a plantations, is it a plantation scene? What's it, I think he might be cool, that, but they find this French, anyway.

Anyway, this guy's wonderful movie. If you've not seen it, you should watch it. Yeah, so it wasn't quite French kissing. It was a bock lips now. He ducks French kissing. Yeah, anyway, I was going to say what's the owner know. Don't worry. Then I saw Top Gun. Yeah. And the silhouettes of the French kissing kind of opened my mind a little bit.

Obviously, then I started to get more snogging action. That's when Clark, he was in the same room by that point, Wim snogging. So that's kind of... Wim going at it. Wim going at it. Wait, so have a talk you practiced on you practice all clocky we're done clocky would be most it's parties we were the

old house part I keep you in the kitchen room where everyone's in the room to get the lights are off we're doing this is this Tom's in here. Every room. Tom's eating a pot of food in the corner. Oh no, that's not. It's up on. They're both. He's smelling first. No. So I'd say that's my...

He kept me from tomorrow himself. No, that was my snogging trajectory. But I would say this. A hell of a journey. I don't think I do. And thank you. And I'm sure. Thank you once again for asking us.

No, it's coming, it's coming. I was saying, I was saying. I'll tell you what. Obviously, we're going to nip off for a second. You carry on chatting away. We'll come back at the end for questions. I've answered the questions I'm asking my head. By the way, you don't have to preface with everything you say with a will save because

we know you're going to say it. We've been here for the last 20 minutes. I don't think I've been with some big mouth guesses. I don't think I'm that. John, I mean, I do think... You would say you're right down the middle. You are... I think I am.

I think I'm on the fairway. A mean, median average kisser. Not average kisser. No, not average kisser. I don't know. Sorry, I didn't mean that at all. I didn't mean that at all. Your technique, of course, is superb.

Awful. Oh, yeah, sorry. But... But you are... I don't know that's what that's where I'd put myself Now I'd love to hear your guys But unfortunately Clarky so keen to wrap this up Sorry, I can't believe we finished it there anyway

Sorry, I can't believe we finished it there anyway You got some snogging line that in the kingdom of the small eyes What was your snogging journey cross me because you were and You know obviously now now that you're a you know Radio X, cool rock DJ. You can believe now that you have this kind of slightly rebellious teenage years, but when I first kind of got to know you, you know, you were like, this guy's never kissed anyone. No, no, no, no, you were far more kind of rebel without a cause. I think for me and Clarky in your teenage youths. Yeah, definitely. So did snogging come with that?

Not especially. I mean... Yeah, and I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do a tremendous amount of snogging pre my mid-30s. Two busy rebelling. Two busy rebelling. I rebelled against snogging.

Not necessarily my choice entirely. No. Some rebelleions were thrust upon me. But yeah, I do remember, this wasn't my first kiss go, I'd had a sort of, which wasn't a girlfriend, she was just a girl I would kiss. Um, and we would kiss each other. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. We liked each other, but we were a bit sort of like, uh, I guess we're too young to sort of really want to sort of do anything other than, you know, like, I think was a little

bit like the idea of emitting a fancy something, embarrassing, like a weird thing of kind of going, oh, if we went out, you know, maybe she was just embarrassed by me. But I'm engaged. embarrassing, that whole weird thing of kind of going, oh, if we went out, you know, maybe she was just embarrassed by me. But at that age, that age, isn't that paid hurt? Because one of the problems is, when your desperate is trying to kiss someone and work out what kissing's like, you don't necessarily want to get into a relationship. You don't think you're like, oh, we'll have to go shopping

together on Saturday, I'll meet you outside being tea at three o'clock. You're not doing stuff. You're not doing that with your friends, you know, like that was kind of what that's kind of that age is quite interesting because you're like, I suppose you might have. Got lucky. No, no, for me, I think I was very, I was like a real romantic kid. I wanted, you know, I wanted everything. I wanted the letters and so do I wanted that. You wanted three o'clock outside beaties.

Yeah, I wanted me to meet in that side, to meet in the glades, you know, to walk around holding hands and you know, hang around in River Island and stuff. That's what I was into that. I think I wanted that. But yeah, so we were just, like after church, there was like a youth club,

and we would just go and hide under the stage at the youth club and French each other. And the only other thing we did together was prank calls. So I thought he was gonna say, he was kidding. He was, well, sorry, three things. It was the Holy Gods, it was the Holy three. It was it was it was it was Pashing pray in and pranking you know that was that was it God

Is there a huge Please please please help my uncle I bet I bet over I Don't God was wise that I'm coming He knows all the names he's like I'm No, I bet in the name dude you can't get that fast me at least choose a real name there's also there is a famous pornographer called Ben Dover you've been just

called Ben Dover couldn't you but I've been Dover look I'm a bit of a new Tom I don't want to start chucking poor names to the Lord. Of course. I'm a bit of respect. You're a very friendship under a stage. I know you're a belling crossman, but you've got to draw a line somewhere. Screaming poor names to the sky. Can you get off in the Lord's house? Yeah, nothing worse than saying our father and opening poor nub.

The Lord takes a dim view of that kind of thing. in the Lord's house? Yeah, nothing worse than saying our father and opening porn hub. You know what I'm saying? The Lord takes a dim view of that kind of thing. How's Beauty? Beauty. What's the worst thing you've considered eating? How's Beauty? So we do a lot of kissing. There was like a big period where I wasn't kissing at all.

And then I remember being out with some friends at a pub in Bromley and a girl liked me. And so we went out to the sort of car box. She was about to get picked up by her dad or just getting a taxi. It must have been picked up by her dad kind of been getting an taxi. And so just before her dad arrived,

she leaned in to give me a kiss. And I, for some reason, I was just so surprised by this. I remember just kind of, I, that was where I was thinking of the open mouth thing. I just think I just sort of like open my mouth and just didn't really do anything, you know. Right. Like I was receiving communion.

I opened my mouth, put my hands under my chin. I opened my gob and I just sort of didn't really do anything. And I remember her sort of like wagling her tongue around my mouth, you know, sort of checking my back teeth for about 10 seconds and then kind of basically putting a hand on my chest and sort of pushing me away and going, you know, sort of checking my back teeth for about 10 seconds and then kind of basically Putting a hand on my chest and sort of pushing me away and going all right, so you're like so, you know, and I was like yeah I

I messed that one up. That was not that was classic. That was not a that was not a strong move It was such a certain was there a chance of redemption there. No, never never come back. Yeah, the ship sailed I've done big big drop in a ship. Yeah On the big prom leak and out Because I was I was walking home and about the same pace they were traveling Honestly, I was so glad when they stopped in a lock because he gave me a chance to go to a nice head start. Pop on the one, two, six, and then the show's. The first toe bridge.

Do you have a few guys? So awkward, they never kiss the lock keepers daughter. That's what they say. Sounds like a great song. And that's a great way, Pat. It's a pleasure. It's a great way. It's a great way. It's a great way.

I love you, Neymar. I love you, guys. Absolutely classic finish, guys. What about you, Clarkie? What was your early kissing? An early snogging pro or... You're all in two steps. No, but I think I did go in quite...

We matched each other's energy, and that energy was a bit chaotic. It was very, I remember learning about snogging was kind of watching Grange Hill. Was it Grange Hill? No, Biker Grove. Oh, they got a lot of snogging on Biker Grove. And there was a lot of jaw action. Jaw reaction. Jaw reaction.

Sure. Errr. Oh, he's not having anything. I was, I was, I was, I was excited at a Jordi short joke. Which is terrible. Right. Right. And that's on us.

Yeah, that's it. No, it's the lot. Yeah. Sorry. I can us. Yeah, that's it. No, it's the lot of me. Yeah, sorry. I can't get in spot that because some of the paint pulled my eyes. That's the most untrustworthy of eyes. That one. The people you can't trust at paintball, the ones that's very difficult to shoot them in your eyes.

No need for masks. Sorry, Carol, you both had chaotic energy. So we're talking about a lot of clacking of teeth, is that the sort of thing you're talking about? Yeah, it was just like that kind of like kind of launching kind of action. Very kind of like there was like, like almost like a rhythm to it. Yes, I know exactly the kind of kissing you're talking about. Yeah, exactly. So, and I did you get a chance of redemption? Did you get back together? I wouldn't say so. It was a kind of a very weird kind of.

She was like, my first, I'd say, well, she was kind of my first girlfriend and we arranged the snog by letter the worst one. I see, you'd just go, I wouldn't be doing that. Well, of course. They'd be tweaking each other about it, wouldn't they? They'd be on the bloody insta, there'd be sending people insta stories about it. Yeah. It was there ins to stories about it. Yeah. Was there a good one?

I love that. I just love the idea that you think that the average person who's using Twitter is a child. You've been on Twitter. It is like the one of the most boomer interfaces there are. It's like, you know, Twitter and Facebook and even Instagram really skews a bit older, doesn't it? No kids using these things. They're using... Signal? Bebo.

You can just get it on Bebo, yeah. They're all Beboed out. So, because there was a lot... What, so hang on, how were you shopping these letters? You know, was it contested on? Yeah, like... Was it cut? Under the table, you know, in school, kind yeah, like under the table it you know in school kind of do you want to kiss

Tick yes, or no the balls If you do want to kiss do you want to do it like French or what wait? Question it. This is amazing Clarkie tell us so tell us now who was and tell us now Clarkie So tell us now who was and tell us now, Clarky. Tell us now. Tell us now. Trust me, it's very exciting by questionnaires, we should say. That is a thing. Quite a little bit of admin brought into the kitchen.

Our questionnaires, you're a kick. For the yes. No, for no. It's a complicated system. So who was writing the, you know, who was writing the little questionnaire? Was it? I wrote it. Yeah, I wrote it and then she could understand it. Would she? Would she, would she write a follow up question underneath or she'd pass it back to you? You'd read it and then you'd write the next question and you'd pass it

back. Uh, I, I think I just wrote the two questions with the SNO boxes. So you just tell it to have right off the bat. And so it wasn't what type of kissing do you want and then cycling through a variety of styles, but it was... It was... To you want to French, because yes... It's all got the time. Have you seen Bikey Grove yet?

No, you should really check it out, it's great. Yeah, and then it was a very agonizing slow process of me plucking up the courage to actually do it once we walked by a walk to home. And now it's like a little alleyway by our house. So we went down there and love his lines. Yeah. And yeah, I just kind of like, well, he we have lots of rubbish jokes and stuff and it ended up reading the letter.

Clarkie, you try to get off with us. It's not even doing all this time. You can't do in your material. You're making rubbish jokes. You're hoping it works again. You come over here with your rubbish jokes. And your question is... Until you want to do a podcast with me.

Did you send a follow-up question, Ed? Did you enjoy the snog? Would you want to snog me again? No, but then that then just became like, that's what we did at Walker Home. We'd go to the alleyway with snog. And the weird thing was, we're snogging at that stage. I don't know if this is the same for you.

I found it very underwhelming. I was like, I'm particularly, didn't particularly enjoy that at all. And then like five minutes later, I'll be like, oh, we're really, we're gonna snog again. That's really interesting. I think there was a lot for me, there was a lot of fear attached to it, you know?

Like it was a lot of like not wanting to get it wrong, you know, not wanting to do something that made you look stupid. And also as well, I remember people who had kissed would ask insane questions. Like I remember like a guy, one of the guys at school had kissed a girl for the first time and the other kids who were kissing asked him a bunch of questions that were just like it was pure bravado but I remember like one of them was did your tongue go on the top on the bottom? Now I think and this

just seems complicated to work out like this is a lot of happening. Was, was, was, you should love it. Yeah, it was hurt, it wasn't hurt, tongue hot and cold, it hot or cold in your mouth. And you're like, oh, just all of that sort of stuff of like going, I just feels a bit, it just feels, it just feels really uncharted. Well, I don't mind telling you, it's short for me. Her mouth was small, her tongue was cold.

There we go, I've said it. But was it on top and bottom? It was just in an eight, because my time wasn't going back the other way. Oh yeah, no, you couldn't, you literally couldn't force your own tongue in because the suck the apple. It was like, it was, I would, I would now equate it to the feeling of having a small frozen sausage inserted into my mouth. That's how it felt. I don't know, I think I thought this was supposed to be nicer than this. So she had a tongue like a frozen chip of latter, is that what you're trying to say?

That's the first line of my novel. Final line, Reid, do I marry, dear? And I recognise her from her dancing feet. How sweet it! For what belief would you take a beating? How sweet it! Well, there you go. What a treat! A rare treat.

A rare treat! Rarely that good! These house meetings, no, that was lovely. It was a delightful chat. In the evening, thanks for staying with us, listen to this. If you enjoy these podcasts, please do feel free to recommend them to other people. I don't know about you, but real life podcasts recommendations really make a difference to me. If someone says, oh, you should check that out, I very normally do. So if you've got a friend or a family member or a colleague that you think would enjoy this kind of stuff, feel free to pass it on to them

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