Pappy's Flatshare - Series 6, Episode 6 (Answer The Door)

Episode Date: June 1, 2016

Suzi Ruffell and Phill Jupitus join us for a very fun, very ramshackle episode recorded at the Laugh Out London comedy festival (https://laughoutlondoncomedyclub.co.uk/2016/05/20/comedy-festival-in-islington-july-12-18/). It's all in here folks - from the sublimeness of opera to the ridiculousness of Jeremy Paxman interviewing ghosts. Also, Dog-Pigs, 'the Jupes', Cyndi Lauper and Knock Knock jokes. It is so jam-packed that at one point the recording device breaks down. Do sing the praises of Flatshare Slamdown whenever you find yourself with a captive audience of would-be fans - there's loads more episodes winging their way towards the world in 2016! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See you at for details. Tom Ben, well one of you answer the door. Answer it, but it hasn't even asked a question. Heyo! Just go and answer the door. Which door? The front door. The back door.

The cellar door. The door under the stair. Dorian from Birds of a Feather. One of you two has to answer the door. Door eightos. Don't you forget about me. Doris Day. Doris General Gangster.

Murderer. There's only one way to settle this. We're gonna have to have a... Flash! Flash! Longdown! Flash! That's right. What a sketch! The girl with a name! I'm gonna settle this, we're gonna have to have a... Flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, Mama take this badge from me.

I can't use it anymore. It's getting dark, too dark to see. Feels like I'm knocking on the front door. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah Knock, knock, knock, in on the front door Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah Knock, knock, knock, in on the front door Knock, knock, knock, in on the front door

Ooh, yeah Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, They'll be following my rules that speak the tenets Tom Perry and Ben Clough! So, Tom, why are you being such a bore when it comes to archering that front door? Well, Matthew, I am not going to answer the front door because let me tell you, I don't like the door since he went solo. His solo career, it's really peaked off, you know. I'm much preferred when he was in the band. Because let me tell you, since he left, Alvin and Simon, the chipmunks, they just haven't been the same. Alvin, Simon, the door. Come on guys.

Come on guys, that's not bad. Because you thought I was talking about the doors, right? But then it wasn't. It was, we thought you were making an actual joke I was very Ben said that was good I did say that was good I have to Ben you're such an enabler Ben as well as being an enabler why are you being such a cock-knocker? Well I'm not gonna answer the door because every time I talk to it doesn't answer me. Oh my god the bar is dangerously low. I'm a dissapeller.

But obviously no. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, genuine story though. Okay, yeah, that's lucky and everything. There we go. That happened yesterday. This is so funny. We call it like Benic Dotes.

I... What are you doing? Soul rug my front door yesterday. I went down and it was a little bit of a mess. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh my god, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh my god, This is so funny. We call it like Benic Dotes. I... What are you doing?

So I'll rug my front door yesterday. I went down and it was a girl collecting for a charity. And I was too polite to say, No, no, thank you very much. And not polite enough to say, yeah, I'll give you some money. And she was trying to take my details on her iPad and she couldn't unlock it, so we're not going to have to phone my manager. I'll come back in a second. You'll be in right away

She came back and I just ate She was there for ages. Oh What was the charity? It was Like cancer research, you know anyway, it doesn't matter You should give because that'll be helping you It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, It's a podcast! No. Can I just do some sign language to you now? Obviously no man can answer a door un-aided, it's simply not possible. So Tom, who have you brought along with you this week? Well, exciting times at the Jamboree everyone.

Yes! It's the summer solstice. Very exciting so. I've hired the nation's best pagan priest I've hired the nation's best pagan priest to come and bless the sight of the Jamboree. It's his royal highness. Phil Jupiter's everyone. Fear me. Fear me. All fear me. Cower before Zad. The Jamboree was not Tom as I expected it to be. Oh, you didn't enjoy it. You know what, if I'm blessing a jamboree, I brought that goat myself.

I like jamboree attendees to just make a little effort. Viz togas. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, we did not get the memo. There was not enough togarage. A goat was very slayed. Well, Terry is still back at my flat. LAUGHTER

Chewing through the furniture, shitting on everything. Do you? And the goat doesn't like it, because... LAUGHTER Because Terry is a very messy flatmate. LAUGHTER So, so feel this week, we're finding out who's going to be answering the door. Uh-huh.

Have you ever answered a door in your career? No, in your last year's career. I suffer from crippling agrophobia, so opening a front door. Uh-huh. Have you ever answered a door in your career? No, no. In your last year's career? I suffer from crippling agrophobia. So opening a friend door. AHHHHH! You have to shut it right away. Which is, which my paperboy doesn't like, my postman doesn't like. Why don't you use the, uh, letterbox to receive your post?

Because then everything looks like a surgey only film. Very credible. Well that was a response I was not expecting. Seriously, you look through the letterbox and your postman is coming out, you're going, I got you, me! Ah! Is that you screaming? Yeah.

Get more agrophobia because the flaps up. Which again makes Terry furious. So, Suzy, you're here. Sorry, I should have... Wow. Spoiler alert, everyone. I mean, they parted you in a better part. You know what, you know what, fuck you. When you sent me a text message this morning saying,

I'm delighted you were doing the podcast, and I thought it was a massive lie. No, I am delighted you're here. Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? I'm sorry. I have brought along my ex, cousin. You are too, Zero. No!

Whoops! Suzy. Yeah. Cousin, you are too zero! Whoa! Whoa! Suzy, Suzy is wonderful to hear. Listen. It is! Suzy, why are you and Clarkie X cousins? Very interesting story. His auntie and my uncle were married. Unfortunately, it all went awry. Then they had to break up and that's made me and Clarky ex cousins.

But you're still hanging out. You're still a family's family. Yeah. Love that. Apart from it isn't. No, no. Family's family is set when your ex family. Yeah, yeah.

What about you? Have you opened any doors? Me and my friend Rachel would live together for years, right? But one day there was a knock on the door and me and Rachel both never answered the door if we didn't know who it was. The jeep is a approach. Yeah, exactly. We've got to touch the jeeps. And so... It's an official term.

Yeah. And so we just didn't answer the door, and so we had this new flatmate, there was a knock of the door, we looked, we could see that it wasn't her, so we were like, oh, we just ignore the door. Anyway, bit awkward later, when she rang one of us and was like, oh, we just ignored the door. Anyway, a bit awkward later, when she rang one of us, and I was like, guys, I'm in hospital. I fell over outside our house. I've broken my ankle. I sent a guy upstairs to our flat.

Oh, no. Oh, no. But apparently neither of you were in. And I was like, mate, we were. So she, I mean, she doesn't know. She's going to know now if she hears this. It's all right, mate. No one is going to hear it. She's not going to hear it. It's. It's all right, mate. She's not gonna hear it.

It's fine. I love the fact that I hosted a podcast where the first question is, so open-endedy doors. Yeah. What kind of podcast is this? Well, we normally ask what kind of flat-mail are you, and I thought I'd make it a bit more theme-specific, and I think it's paid off.

Ironically, we are closing a lot of doors, right? Yeah, we are. I think it has paid off, because I've got a title for my third album. Such are the dupes. You're welcome. When I, when I attended Buzzcox a few years ago, the Scottish pop quiz, the SCI-S, the S. Someone knocked on my dressing room door and I answered it and they said,

Oh, no, I don't think you're who I'm looking for. I said, oh, I might be. Who are you looking for? Cindy Lauper. No. LAUGHTER I don't think. I'm sorry, she changes her image all the time.

I think she has had a meaning. Yeah, time after time after time. Yeah! Joke! Joke! Joke! Ah! Ah, touch her, the jubes! I'm the brilliant! While we wait in wonder, who's just wondered round,

there's one round we don't need to wonder about, and that's the wonderful round one! Oh! No, no, who's there? No, no, no, who? Oh, none of my business, that's a funny joke to do. No, no, who's there? It's that accent. I like being in there, that's a funny one too. No, no, who's there?

Police, police, who? I'm clean, let me in. I'm not really who are you? Are you jealous of the least we've got some questions to ask? If that's me, kill that fidget or she will be murdered With an act of God not in a awful way with a joke And isn't that really not a police name? Oh, guys!

Wow! Lovely! Yeah, not bad! Today's Wow That was a nice bit of business that two days two days work that was You're turning to a very serviceable wedding band So I think you'd be a better funeral scar band. Does the only scar band work in funeral scar? Depressing scar. More than scar. Well, we're going to continue this musical theme

because round one is called Niesen Dormer. Each player is going to give a famous opera, Arya backing track and they have to improvise new lyrics which describe a Liam Neeson film. Now, wow. It's hard to know what came first, the pun or the ranch. Yes. So obviously the teammate has to guess the film but what I'm really looking for is virtuosity, vibrato and viincereau, vincereau.

So I think Ben, you're going first. Here is your Liam Neeson film for Susie to guess. And your aura, Arya, even, will be Ladonna in Mobile. In Mobile? Yeah, you know, stuck inside a mobile with the Memphis Blues again, yeah. Beautiful reference. Oh, God. From the opera opera Rigoletto by Verdi, so

produce a bend. Can you give us a quick blast of how it's actually meant to sound? Is that in your range, Clarky? Yes! Ha ha ha! Get your own sweet time. We use a man who will bring you on. Are you going to be conducting? Lovely. Okay, yes.

Conduct a man will be conducting you on. Clarkey, off you go. It's quite intro. Let's go ahead and try. Oh, well, look, this is a film. Liam had a bit on his face. It was a war in space. It was a power band. It was a pile of shits. There was a Jamaican

talking, upsetting digital character. It's him. They overview CGI. But the new ones look like they're going to be a lot better. Oh my goodness. The right moment pattern really went out the window after the first two. It was A, B, B, C, D, E, F, G. It was quite unusual, Ryan Patton. That's why Clark is the new poet Laurie everybody. Congratulations, Clarky. Suzy though, have you got any idea what film he was trying to

operise? Taken? LAUGHTER I have to ask you to take another guess. Taken, too? No, I wasn't. I can accept one more answer. LAUGHTER

Love, actually. I was... No? It was not love, actually, no, no. Can we steal? No. I'm not telling you I know who Liam Neeson is. You do, because you've named all the other guesses for this round.

But, uh... Oh, yeah, I was going to be a slightly shorter round this time, but, uh... That's okay. Any idea what it was, Tom and Phil. Fant... Funtkin' menace. It was indeed Star Wars on the Phantom Menace. Yes, so do know.

I'm gonna give, I think, a point to Tom and Phil, but for Ben's wonderful rhyme scheme now, I'm gonna give him three points. Yes, fantastic. Cheers, mate. You go, Ginsburg. Tom, you're up next. And you are singing Liam Neeson film for Phil to guess.

Oh! And your Aria will be Largo Alfaktotum from the Barber of Seville by Rossini Do you know it? Oh, no it I wrote it. Well Rossini is here tonight Then would you like to play a little blast of it so he can work out how it goes Oh! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal Don't put the finger in! Oh yeah! Oh, so kann man so süß, dass die Shingaranis Christmas time. Oh, everybody sind lauer der Bühlen. Oh, Jungen und zu Prime Minister, and you're still watching the wind, He's trying to pull that bell off his den, and I'll not know where, Oh, Lingham is a serious father with the airport,

Oh, he's talking to his son, who's about to fall to the ground, What's gonna happen now, everybody kiss? This is the worst, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, blah blah blah, red jub-co, of him, we had two walkouts during that. One of them was Phil Drupetus. So, I can never unhear that. So, Philip, have you got any idea what you... Yeah. It was of course the absolutely appalling love, actually. It was, in fact, love, actually actually. It was in fact love actually yes

Tom in right there Tom in the end so that is the point of course to Tom and Phil and then I'm gonna give an extra four points because that was an absolutely beautiful rendition So you've got to do it now. Yeah, you are going to be singing from You've got to do it now, yeah. You are going to be singing from Habanera from Carmen, by his b-say, and producer Ben's going to give us a sample of how that snippet from Carmen should go. This is the best game we've ever played.

["Sing of the Rain"] Fucking gruy. Oh, seriously, I'm getting an opera bona, this is the best game ever. Touch to the juke, we call it. Fuckin' come on, opera! Well, would you like to let Susie have a chance at singing it as well? Alright, okay. Susie, try not to make direct eye contact with Phil while you sing this. Produce a Ben, would you wave something that isn't Phil's opera boner to conduct the start of Habanera from Common by B.C. for Suzie Raffel.

You can bring me in. Oh, Lord, I know I've got rid of her, and he is not I'm an animal. He does the voice of a lion then. I think Tilda Swinton was also in it. She played a queen, she was quite scary. You go through a place, and it's like her closet but you're not gay there's a land through there Oh, yes Which which by the way you're not gay there's a land through there. I'm gonna get tattooed on the small of my back, I think If you got any idea what's using my

I would say is either the wizard of Oz or Line the witch Nordrime which we are. It was gonna either which of the wardrobe I I think I'm going to give you a half point for the two guesses because you got it right But you can't say it's either one or the other. I said cause it. How's that gonna be with the divorce? Well, let me tell you But I am going to give Susie four points for that fantastic rendition. I was absolutely superb Now Phil you're going to be doing of course the titular Nessendorma from Turendo by Petuny. Oh, yes. And here is your Liam Neeson film for Tom to guess. Produce a Ben, can you give us a quick blast of it so he can work out how it goes?

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Go, go, go, go. I love Poop-Ops. Yes, yes. OK. Quite niche, but one lady loved it. That's what some of comedy's like. I love poor parts. Yes, yes. Okay. Quite niche, but one lady loved it. That's what my comedy's like. Okay, I'll figure it out.

I'm looking for a rather sad A child's coaching red against black and white in the pile of coats. It's really sad, the one red coat, as an image, it's just a coat, just a coat, just a red coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh couldn't retire now, that's it. Absolutely. Why are we going to comedy? Have you not already? LAUGHTER It's a bird, it's also a bird against me! Oh! This is all the rink Donnie's forehead and wham! Happy to do it, Tom, any idea what film was singing about?

It was Shinders List. It was Shinders List. Of all the Liam Neeson films you had to pick for a comedy podcast You thought let's go for that one. I did actually right. Yeah, so So I know of course I'm gonna give you I can't give you anything less the full five points for that It was absolutely beautiful and of course a point for correct guess. So there we go. That was Tobin Phil So at the end of that round producer and Ben, can you sing us the scores? Well, the scores are 12 to Tom and Phil. And it's seven and a half to Susie and Ben.

Oh, superb! So Tom and Phil were all winners, but Susie and Ben, it's not yet time to knock it on the head, there's still everything to play for us, we're going to round two, it's flat games! Game! Let's play together, games! Let's play forever, roll the dice, spin that thing, put that down! Who's your toll, games! If you lose you get nothing, games! If you lose you get nothing! Games!

If you win you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Listen to that, it's a catchphrase! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! It's a cult hit! LAUGHTER Very cult. The cult's getting smaller as we speak.

Each week in flat games we take a popular game and give it reconstructive surgery until even its own mother wouldn't recognize it. And this week we're butchering the classic video game Pac-Man by playing what we like to call Jeremy Pac-Man. Here is how it works. Each player will take it in terms to play the titular Jeremy interviewing the ghost of a famous dead person played by their teammate. However, only Jeremy will know the identity of the ghost, the place they

are haunting and the reason they are haunting it. So his questions will help the team mate guess who they are supposed to be, where they're supposed to be and why they're haunting. So it could be, for example, Jimmy Hendrix haunting the Vatican to protest the hunting ban. Oh, a little spin-on clue there as well! LAUGHTER OK, Tom and Phil, you're going to go first. So, Tom, you're going to start as Paxman and you are going to be interviewing Phil. So, for the audience here tonight and for the listener at home, this is what Phil is. Phil is clear-patra haunting Jeremy Paxman's mum's house to launch the new iPhone.

Good luck, Tom. To make it easier on you, I'm going to be for a lissit, you kindle. And if you're being too daft, you'll hear the phrase. Okay, now go. Well, I'm joined now by this ghost. Er, who's come back causing all kinds of trouble? What's it like being a ghost of it? Do you still bathe in milk? Don't be so zilly, Dom. It's actually not completely an appropriate voice, actually, for the ghost that you're being. Come on, let's get to

breast tax here. Let's really grasp the ass and deal with the... I'm clear, Pat! Yes, but I'm clear, Pat! You're all coming at you very much! Yes! Yes! Watch me! But be musily dumb! Yes, but why are you troubling? The dearest woman in the entire world. I mean, what's your issue with an old dearest?

Err... Lady... What does mine? Angela Lansbury! No, no, no, no, no, no, I mean, come on, you're... The Queen! Come on, no, no, come on, stop being silly or causing problems where I used a breastfeed for God's sake.

Tom's mum. Well, I've been character, of course. Derri Patron's mum. Yes, you're way, way, yes, I have a patria. Yes. Derri Patron's mum. Yes, I mean, look, she's had that job for a while now at you know She's she tried to get a job at the pair corporation. They wouldn't have a

Corporation they Is has a lane. Yes, Jeremy Paxman's mom come on at the genius bar in an Apple store Well, not quite. I mean she's almost there She's she's a bit more important than that. They say that there was the face that did something to a thousand ships. Oh, she's trying to do his life. Hello, Troy. That might have been a tough, that might have been a tough, yes.

But I mean, come on, I mean, look, there was the number five, the five S. Then the six, you know, she wants to do his, bring out the eight, she's bringing out a new iPhone. Yes, that found yes, and I know all she wants to do is bring out the eight. She's bringing out. Yes a new iPhone Yes, that's right So wow little Patrick. Yes, he's trying to buy Yes, my phone off of Jeremy Paxman's mum. I'll take it I'll give you that I'll give you that it was coming up at

Launching the brand new iPhone at Jerry Paxman's Mum's House. Wow. You did pretty well, and he knows, please. I can feel everyone else is up for it, but let's play it three more times. So, uh... Phil, this is who Tom is going to be. Now, you're going to be, of course, Jerry Paxman. And Tom, you're going to be what Phil describes to you.

And for the listeners at home, here is what that is. Tom is the Holy Ghost haunting Battersea Dogs and Cats home in order to get around him. Okay. Simple, yeah? Eeeeees. I'm going to have to push you here. I'm going to have to push. I'm not all three of you. I'm just going to have to push the one of you. I'm not pushing the father. I'm not pushing the son. I'm just going to push the one of you. I'm just I'm not pushing the father. I'm not pushing the sun. I'm just gonna push the one of you I'm just gonna push the one of you. It's very hard to push me because I'm not physical am I I'm a I'm in the ether on time

Yes, you're not the father. You're not the son of the Holy Spirit. Yeah The ghost of the Holy Spirit Yes, and there you are south of the Thames with all those homeless pets. Oh, there you are. Yes, I'm in Battersea dogs home Battersea dogs home The Holy Ghosts and Eryam because I'm the Holy Ghost in the first place. Your shout-ing! Your shout-ing! Because your shout-ing!

Yes! Yes! I am! Yes! Because your shout in yes, yes, yes, yes, oh we could play golf. Yes, we could play golf Four yes, four. He's a jolly good fellow I only go or we could we could we could sing like a song and you'd start it then I join in the middle No, that's not gonna. No, I'm Tom Jones. No, no, I'm not. I'm the Holy Ghost. Yes. I'm the Holy Ghost. Yes, the Batsy Dog Sense, sir. Yes, no, because the whole your friends are thirsty in the pub.

Oh, your friends are thirsty. My round. It's your round. It is your round. It's my round. It's your round, yeah, yes. So you're the Holy Ghost in the Batsy Dog Sense Cats home, getting around in. That's what you are. So again, only two more to go. Oh my god. So, see if Susie you can work out what you're supposed to be from Ben's peerless, gerriopac when in impersonation. For the list as at home and the live audience here, here is what Ben is trying to make Susie guess Susie is the queen mum haunting Wembley Stadium to buy some bread Off you go

Oh, no wait, sorry You're a loser, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Hello What the impression on you honey? Yep now your daughter do it very well Rather rather on herself in a lovely big house Queen mom Wow How did she get that? How did she possibly get that? That's that, that's amazing. Now! Not a fan of football, but you're there all the same.

In London's biggest stadium, I presume, I don't know. Emirates! No! The other one! That is the only football stadium I know! Okay, but that's fine. I don't know who I am anymore. But I don't know who you are. I mean, no, yes, it's the other one.

You'll get there. And you're there for a reason. Of course, very important reason. You're hungry. I mean, you're starving. You're hungry. You've had to make a sandwich. Karki's got it written in front of him, and he's you're, you're starring. You're hungry. You're hard to make a, uh, sandwich. Carkey's got it written in front of him and he's panicking more than some things.

You want to make a sandwich? I thought we've both got outside. You want to make a sandwich in the biggest stadium? It's a very big stadium. Kei Sarasara, whatever we'll be, we'll be. No, they're buying a pinnacle. I am Tottenham Hotspur. No!

It's a national... Whipley! Yeah! I'm the Queen Mother Wembley! Yes, of course you are. And I am trying to buy a sandwich. Well, I'm going to buy a sandwich. I'm going to buy a sandwich.

Be a sandwich. Yeah, that'll do. You'll try to be a sandwich. Yeah, I think we'll end it there. Yeah, because that was... Wow. Way too painful. Now, I'm going to say you be a sandwich. Yeah, I think we'll end it there. Yeah, because that was wow way too painful now I'm gonna say you did a little impression of the Queen mum It planted the sea high for the Queen mum. You said the word stadium

So when we stayed here for where we live so a half a point there and it was by some bread So I think that's one point there I'm afraid sorry, but Susan you've got a chance to make it back Susan you got a chance to make it back. So here we go. That's what Ben is supposed to be. And for the listeners at home, here's what it is. Ben is Charlie Chaplin haunting the Pentagon to build a bird house. So was it always a problem that you and Hitler had the same as Stache?

Yeah. Nope. No. I know who I am, though. Guy, no, you know. Richard. No. I know who I am though. Guy, I know you know. Richard Herring. The right joke for the right room. Neesh, niche, niche.

Now, I mean, you're not in this country. Are you in America? Yes. Doing some things at a... Yes. I mean, that're not in this country, are you in America? Yes. Doing some things at a... Yes. I mean, that's America. At a shape, you're at the shape, aren't you? If you were going to be at a shape in America?

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! Yes! White time, right place! So, do you know who you are and where you are? Yeah, I think so. Okay, now I'll tell you what you're doing.

Yeah. There's a spar doing. Yeah. There's a sparrow. Right. He ain't got no way to live. Yeah. It's just a poet. Oh, no.

He's a lovely little fella. OK. So you're going to build him someone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what are you going to do? I'm going to build him a bird shelter. No. A bird house?

What do they call a bird house? So who are you? So I'm Charlie Chaplin in Times Square. No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh no! Lovely bit of business.

Oh! So kind of lovely bit of business. Oh! Anyone, do you guys want to steal? Madison Square Gardens. No! It was the Pentagon. Oh God, Satan.

I mean, the shape in America. Like there's only one. I'm going to give you two points, though, because you've got Charlie Chaplin and you've got Bill de Birdhouse. So, at the end of that round, producer Ben, would you please sing us those scores again? Tom and Phil have now got a-a-a-team.

Wow. And Susie and Ben have got ten and-a-a-team Wow! And Susie and Ben and Gotten and a half! Wow! Very good! It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those.

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See you at for details. So, if the last round game has packed so, this round smells suspiciously of oxo. It's time to play Beef Brothers! Well, if you have a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you, from the sorting at your beef. Pretty cool.

Pretty cool. Yeah cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, boy. Yeah, boy! Yes, it is beef brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share-based beef. And this one comes from someone in the audience who is, in fact, a Lana Swift. A Lana Swift, are you there? Oh, no! Oh, the saddest.

The night of the evening. Oh no! Oh the saddest! The saddest! Does this concern a lana swift nemesis? Virginia slow. Beautiful. One of my favourite rocksy music bassides. And... From British Goop. Did you slow?

Oh, I can feel you. We are walking dumb to Rio. Oh, I'm still laughing at my own joke, that is really bad. Oh my god. I'm just gonna record that into my phone. So, just to listen to it on the way home. So you know, I said Virginia Stone, he said, your favourite rock music beat side, you're so great.

It's nice, I just pop it into my iTunes, it just comes up with shuffle once in a while. Why not? Back yourself. Back yourself. Just don't ask cross-bita DJ. It's an appalling evening. So a lot of Swift says, my housemate, slash husband, refers to himself as King Genius. He is not a King or a Genius. How do I make it stop? So, Tom and Phil, you're going to be on Alana's side, Ben and Suzy, you're on the side of King Genius. Boss we are. Alana, can I just ask, is King Genius with you tonight? He is, yes. Fantastic. Hail King Genius. Oh, we can't, we can't, we're not hailing him.

Oh, so you hail him! The imposter is amongst us. That is conjecture. Any questions for the Cross Examination? Questions for a Larner or what's your real name, King Genius? Kevin. Oh! Now we know. Not the Cross Accusion Rests, you're on.

Now we know, that is in our work here is done. Okay, okay, Kev, let's begin the cross examination. Any questions? A lot. How long have you been with Kevin? Eight years. Eight years. Is Swift his name or did you keep your own name?

It's his name. It's his name. Our name. Our name. Nice, nice say. What is your name as genius? Does he have a name for you? He's King Genius. Are you Perforce Queen Genius?

Cosmytroll. Oh! Okay. I think we're getting a real sense of this King Genius' character always. Alana, do you live in a cave? No. Ben and Susie, I'd ask a few questions of Kev, if I were you. Oh, I made. It seemed like a ledge.

I want to query King. When did you first come up with this? I think she came up with it. To be honest. Oh! Hang on, hang on. That hasn't been proved yet. You had your mind. You just sanctified genius. Alana. Hang on hang on that hasn't been proved yet

Fide genius a Lana in the eight years you've been with this King genius What you said the smartest thing is that he's ever done aside from marrying you good self Smooth smooth smooth like a peanut butter otter When Perry turns it on, he turns everyone on. Alana. Fix the toilet once. He fixed. OK.

More than I've ever done. King genius, what do you do for a job? For my servant. Do you want to go more specific? Immigration. You have an accent though. You're Australian or Kiwi? Alanis Australian, I'm from Luton.

He was born in a van. Without further ado, I call upon Phil Dripters to begin the case for the prosecution you have exactly one minute and it minutes begins now. I disagree with the very concept of royalty. I put it to you sir My honor here standing here before is a lot of I'm not standing. I'm just short. I'm six. I'm sat down Please, please. I'm doing this in the style of a southern lawyer. Oh

Oh my god, it's not a bad idea, it's not a bad idea. You cannot serve or clean yourself a king that is a title that comes from a birthright, by birthright, atelier. This woman has been major slave. Duna, a miss and slavery, something we know about in the South. Easy, Ben, easy. Let me just say... LAUGHTER That hair, hair.

We do not recognize royalty in these sourced states. There is a queen by five seconds left. She is a genius, because she can do us a doku to an advanced level. And that is your time. That is your time. Bill Jim, it's everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, what's fun about that is, feel clearly

not a regular listener to the podcast. LAUGHTER Er... LAUGHTER Tom, what are you going to do when he gets around to you? Anyway. Er... LAUGHTER

Well, Susie, I mean, the crowd were going berserk for that, but for all the wrong reasons, isn't it? And er... And I think the only point that was played with the Queen could do us anoku, so I think you've got everything to play for. So... Why do I have to be for somewhere else? You don't have to be for anywhere else. Did Car, did Car, we need you to be... Did Car.

No, just, just, just be yourself. Just stop the M4. Speak from the heart. Terrible theatre. It's got quite a nice railway depot though. You can play that up. Defend Old King Genius, your one minute begins right now. What do we really have if we don't have belief in ourselves?

It's my question, laugh out London. Created a comedy festival, people have gone with it, yeah, rightly so. And maybe, maybe just maybe! You brown nose! King Junius wanted to take a moment and say, you know what? Today's for me. Maybe I'm going to be that guy. Maybe I'm going to run to Luton and back. Maybe I'm going to go to didcock.

Sure, the world's my oyster and I work in immigration, so it kind of is. I'm going to decide who I am. Yes, that's the stage that we're at, my friends. Once more, and to the breach dear friends, once more, if a man cannot call himself King Genius, what do we really have? That's your time. Well done. Oh my gosh, Nick. Suzy Ruff, the anybody. Thank you.

Okay, the case for the defence. So both Alana and King Genius Alana first, how do you think it's going so far? It's not good. It's not good. What about you King Genius? It's totally good. So Tom, I'm going to ask you now, are you going to? So Tom, I'm going to ask you now, are you going to... LAUGHTER Are you going to be prosecuting King Genius as yourself? Or are you going to adopt a character that may have already been slightly covered by your esteemed teammate?

I'm quite fitting in the week where Harper Lee releases... ...Slightly Inferior Seaschool. Are you telling me that there's only one Southern lawyer on this bench? I don't think so. I think your cousins come along. Yeah. Good Lord. Who's this? It's Mr. Fanchor Standin. Fanchor Standin. Preciting and indeed providing.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Hill. Big ram applause here for Marcus. I thank you, cousin. I thank you. That is a say. Spoken awful lot of truth there, didn't it? Yeah. Because we love the old women here.

We ate from that there, did cards. We simple folk here. We haven't heard a no big city did cards. Where is it? I say? Damn dead dead card folks, trying to tell you what the truth is. Trying to redefine damn words genius. King hell, we simple folk round here. Hell you remember last man called himself genius? Fellow went by the name of Todd. Live behind a barber shop. Hell, yeah, some of you still don't remember that.

Some of Todd did. Todd did dog to a pig. Yeah. Set up a stall at the county fair. Talk to a pig! Yeah! Set up a stall at the county fair Compat to genius dog pig! Five books, touch to tea! He'll, to this day, I still don't know, whoever I touch to pig all the dog. But I'm sure as hell won't forget the dogpeg. Hell, maybe there's something in it, the defense rests your honour. APPLAUSE Thank you, Asdandan.

Well, I don't know what that was supposed to prove, but nevertheless, to conclude the case for the defence, Ben, you have exactly one minute and your minute begins now. Hello. So, kick genius over here. Truly is a genius. Here. Objection, Your Honor. Overlord.

The toilet fixer. And you won't know this, because he's very modest. Here. But... Objection, Your Honor. Overlord. I think we found a motif? He's so proficient at fixing toilets. They named the city he was from after him.

Lutown. LAUGHTER Lovely stuff from Clarking. King Genius is short for fucking genius. I rest. Here, here! Objection, Your Honor. Sustained.

So, well there we go. We've heard a lot. Always. We've always hear it so much. Here, but none of it. Useful. Which is why I'm going to throw this open to the good people of the Laugh Out London Company Festival. If you think Phil and Fan Shore and therefore Alana is in the right, applaud now!

But if you think ex cousins, if you think the ex cousins, Susie and Ben, and therefore, King Genius Kevin himself won the day, applaud now. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, this is Matthew Crosby from Papi's Flat Share Slam Down. Well, at this point, something happened with the technology that records the podcast and everything shut down. So unfortunately, you don't hear the result. But what happened was, I declared it a hung jury on the condition that Kevin King Genius

called Alana Queen Hero for a year. He tried to go for six months, but we eventually agreed on a year. And then Ben noticed the recording had f'd up halfway through the quick fire jingle so let's start with the start of the quick fire Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Their once was a round. It was a lovely round. It had a name, and that name had a sound.

That sound was quick. That's right, quick. And that sound was fired. Really far. That's right boys and girls, the quick fire round. Do you know why it was called the quick fire round? That's right, John. It's course it was around that happened really quickly. But there was a purling thing that was wrong with the quick fire round. Your right Susan. It had a really long, a really long jingle. It had a really long jingle, oh that jingle did go on. Well anyway, now you've heard that wonderful story. No messing around, stop fidgeting, let's get right on with it. Well, here we go, let's not waste any more time boys and girls here it is the quick fire round

so of course in this quick fire round all questions will be answered in the door based Oh! I forgot to tell you more! I forgot about anything! Yes I did! I forgot to tell you about how the quick fire round has a really long jingle! a really long jingle. That's right, a really long jingle. Oh no, hang on, silly me. I already told you. Didn't I boys and girls? I must have forgotten that I told you that because I'm whacked off my tits on gin and MDMA.

He's staying school kids. Here's the quick fire round. Dragon's. Dragon's. Wow! Dragons! Oh god, we're recording a concept album tonight, aren't we? Of course, in this quick fire round, all questions will be answered from the door based. So Tom and Phil, let's hear your buzzers. Ben and Susie, let's hear yours. Okay, off we go.

When is a door stressed out? Susie, do you have an answer? No, I was asking what the game is Is it a pun? It's a quick fire. Yeah, it is it's where when it's a quick one got the key with a quick fire thing Totally got that slightly less quick fire than it usually is but When is a door stressed out when it's alarmed? What does a door do? Went to a llama door It's alarmed. What does it do or do? I've got a little bit of alarm. When do you alarm a door?

Woo! Like a... Like a... LAUGHTER Yeah, I'll give you a point for the sound effect. What does an alarmed door do when it's angry? Woo! Woo! LAUGHTER

I'll give you a half a point. It flies off the handle. Which front... Which front entrance to a house travels the world? BEN A revolving door? No. It's door the explorer. Finish it. Alright this is not a pun. It's a finished the popular lyric from Jim Morrison of the Doors. Come on baby, light my... uh... Jupiter.

Bear. No, ruffle. Fire. No, it's in fact a couple of maybe like my crack pipe. I'm off to have a lovely bath. Which... Oh no. Which, yeah. Weirdly not the most upsetting thing that's happened tonight.

Which Manchester band wanted to turn themselves into the front entrance to a house? Oh, top-parr- Top-parr- New ordor. Oh, I'm top, top, top, Harry, new ordor. Oh, I'm going to give you a point for it. I'm going to give you a point, but it was of course the stone roses who family sang, I want to be a door. Um, the...

Jesus Christ, we need an editorial meeting. I never thought, I never thought I'd say those words. You get the questions your jingle deserves mate. Complete these unpopular knock-knock jokes. Knock-knock, who's there? Luck, luck, who? You get ladies and the hype? Yes, it's luck, be a lady tonight.

No, it's luck through your keyhole and you'll find out. Knock-knock, knock-knock. Ken, Ken, who? No, it's locked through your keyhole and you'll find out. Knock knock! Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Well, you tell me. Can I come in please? Yes, is Ken I come in or do I have to go to a window? Knock knock who's there? Howie, howie who?

Howie am I supposed to know? Open the door. Oh, that's very, very good. And to give you two points, the actual... This is from a knock knock joke's website. It was incredible. How are you going to hide this dead body? Knock knock, who's there? Dwayne, Dwayne who?

I don't think I'm, I still don't understand. This, this round is Dwayneing. I'll give you a point, it's actually Dwayne the bathtub, I'm Dwayneing. Um, right. Knock, knock. Shall we call a strike? Shall we call a strike? I'll give you a point, it was actually Dwayne the Bath tub, I'm drowning. Um... Right. Not, not. Shall we call a strike? Shall we call a strike?

You can do, because I'm going to keep doing them. Not, not. Who's there? Aimos. Aimos who? A mosquito bit me. Not, not. Who's there?

Andy. Andy who? Andy bit me again. Not, not. Who's there? Butcher. Butcher who? Butchle again! Not not! Who's there butcher butcher who? Butcher left leg in!

Ah! In out, in out,! Oh, the quick far out! And he's bent, oh, I'm bent. Rarararar! That's the wrong answer. Oh! I'm gonna give two points there for that answer. That is the end of the quick far out. Oh, Hannah, no, it isn't, I've got 20 more.

Not, not, Hannah, it's, I don't know. That is the end of the quick far out, which means we have a winner. But use to bend, what are the final scores? We're all losers. LAUGHTER Well, a winner. But, you said Ben, what are the final scores? We're all losers. Well, so true. Yes, you all are. But, some of you are more losers than others.

Tonight's losers are Ben and Suzy with 13.5. But, the winners are Tom and Phil with 24.5! So, Ben and Suzy get to our to the door while, of course, Tom and Phil get to our to the door while Cops Tom and Phil get to ask the question what happened to be drink 15 younger ones? Thanks to our guest Phil Jupiter This is to the raffle See you next time on Happies

Top Harry with special guest Bill Jupiter Of course the team airs It was advised by thousands of user bedwarkers The band is going to be able to get down to see the recording to the attention that we've held down to The audience from the next And to laugh out loud and with a fantastic comedy festival All of the old Quentin having us probably as much as Sam That is a post-production for the community comedy guide and the internet

Cheers and Rung Bye Cheers and welcome to the Cheese & Roll Bye! We deliver those. Golden Tenders No. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats Now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details.

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