Pappy's Flatshare - Series 7, Episode 1 (Bleed The Radiators)

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

Tom Allen and Phil Wang join Pappy's in the first episode of the new series! Keen eared listeners will spot a few refinements, additions and omissions to the classic #flatslam format......not really! It's the same old gubbins, lovingly packaged this time round into a convoluted radiator-themed flat-centric argument. Within you will find really hot rapping, hard-hitting moral lessons, a toilet-based beef and high scoring agogo.As it is a new series, your help spreading the word to the as-yet-unconverted is especially helpful! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Tom! Ben! What is it, Matthew? Hello. Hi, guys. Listen, one of you guys just got to bleed the radiator? It's not going to be me, I'm a hemophilia. Oh.

Oh. That's actually not what you are. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've read the report and it's not a hemophilia. I'm going to read you. OK, OK. Clarky. And it's not going to be me either.

OK, fair enough while we're going to have to come from Clarky this week. Have to settle this some other way. I tell you what we're going to have to do. There's only one way gonna have to from Clark in this week have to sell this some other way I tell you what we're gonna have to do this only one way to set a little gonna have to have a Oh My son You have to go through They'll be following my rules not the song I was expecting to see I'm not gonna lie to you folks I guess we're gonna have to hear video killed the radio

I mean it's literally our own time we're wasting, isn't it? So let's do it, it's okay. Hello, and welcome to Flat Shestland, the other panel show that says, I heard you won the wireless back in 52, like you know, waking, tenting, tuning in on you, if I was young, it didn't stop you coming through. Oh, wow!

Oh, yes, yes. Step the credit for your second symphony, rewritten by machines on new technology, and now I understand the problems you can see. Oh, I met your children. Oh, I think you tell them video, kill the radiator, video, kill the radiator,

because in my flat and in my car we can't rewind, we've gone too far. I'm five still host a little Matthew crossby mother on to my room They'll be following My rules let's meet my son and indeed my daughter top Harry and Ben Clark Wow, what a turn of events. I mean, it's been real soap opera stuff, Theatre Thomas. Let's talk to Ben. So... Ben. My good friend and daughter. What did you say?

Why do you say, see you later, alligator, when you see the state of our radiator? Well, I used to date a radiator, but I got tired of her running cotton cold. Oh! You're hot in your cold, you're yesterday, you're not in your house. You're not in your house, you're not in your house. OK, now, Tom, why are you... So, Tom, why are you so bleeding lazy?

I am not going to bleed the ray-chaser, because I have bad news to be able to do. What's what you're not going to do? I am not going to bleed the ray-chaser. I'm not going to bleed the ray-chaser. I'm not going to bleed the need to eat my wife and I can tell you for what? I tell you what a few years ago. Oh no, this sounds terrible. The year 2000, right? Oh, I remember. I ordered a radiator. Can I tell you I've been to the year 2000? Which one? I keep doing it. I ordered the one best appliance.

Okay. The best appliance wards in the year 2000. Sure. Was it simply the best? Because I've got a song known in this... Sorry, Tom. It arrived. I turned it on. It didn't work. Oh, no.

I said, why aren't you working? It takes, I'm father to a murdered son. I got a son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life for the next. It was a radiator. LAUGHTER Great. You're going to hear me roar. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the same boat. Now, it'll know, in fact, but Tom and Ben both faint at the sight of blood and indeed water.

So, who have you brought along with you this week to help with the bleeding? Let's start with Ben. Who have you got? I have bought my psychiatrist. It's Phil Wayne! Phil Wayne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Phil, thank you so much for coming on the show. Now, what kind of a flatmate are you?

I'm a very quiet flatmate. You've barely noticed me there. Are you currently living with me? Is that what you're trying to say? I just haven't realised. I've actually had people forget to charge me rent, because they've gone like this. Because there's no evidence that I live in a place.

You leave no trace. Leave no trace like an ninja who sleeps. Is it just because you're out so much party in Galavancy? Mm-hmm. Yes. LAUGHTER Second question, can I get an invite? LAUGHTER Tom, who have you brought with you this time? Well, terrible news Matthew, the Jambri is in danger.

Oh, I can't believe that. Yes, the cafeteria has received its worst reviews in years. What is? The cafeteria? Yeah. The one thing you plunge down to. I can coffees terrible. Yeah. So I've hired the best barista this side of London town. His coffee's strong, his sense of humour's even stronger.

Please welcome Mr Tom Allen, everyone! APPLAUSE Oh! Thank you for having me! My barista from another Mr! Oh! That's what you call me! Two ball tons! Two balls!

Two tons! Two tons! Both the like and scalp! Shakespeare! Now, um... Now, Tom! thank you for coming help with us. Bleed the radiator. Oh, you're welcome. Are you a good flatmate?

You're a bad flatmate. What kind of a person are you? Are you? Are you a good temperature? Do you bleed your retas regularly? I bleed my retas. I bleed my retas. I bleed my retas.

My retas. Bleed my retas regularly. And also, I am great at bleeding the radiators because my name is Tom Allen and I bring the Allen key. Lovely. Lovely. Allen key. Hey, fuck you, that's gold. I did that in the briefing that we had in the cloakroom. Matthew said to me, do that, they'll love that. Yeah.

That's how I get them. So we've met our contestants. Let's see which ones will keep bleeding, keep bleeding the radiator as we play round one. Here we go. Oh! This is a song about every man on the wrong side of the man by getting the wrong end of the steed.

Well my old lady told me her bones were feeling old but he didn't want them working and at night she was too cold She said there was a job, she needed me to try Pointed to the radiator and said to bleed and dry. I reached for my six-shooter and I got my hunting knife sized up that big white bastard and then I took its life I stabbed it and I shot it till off the wall it fell Now I'm sitting here afraid Here in my prison cell

So if your old lady tells you To do a thing you do not know Maybe give it a Google Before you give it a go Tomorrow I am getting the electric tube Yeah, turns out all I needed to do was renew some Was really so So round one at this week is called rap theater. It's a pun on rap It's a pun on radiator if you pronounce it like radiator it becomes well. We're calling it rap theater So

No, I tell you what let's make it less contentious, we'll call it Vindaloo Tankland. Either way, either we can hang on Vindaloo Tankland. Yeah, I'll tell you why, because Vindaloo's a famously hot, and I'm going to ask you to do a rap about something hot. But more than just that, I'm going to measure your temperature before and after the wrap. Oh, hello, with this Boots Pharmaceuticals laser thermometer, and whoever has the greatest net gain in heat wins 10 points. You have to wrap yourself hotter. You have to wrap yourself hotter. So extra points are also available for smoking performances

and whoever I find personally the hottest Tom Allen, your luck is in tonight. So, first of all I've got to come over here and measure your temperature via the forehead okay and it's how much you increase in heat rather than who's the highest at the end. That is correct it's the net gain I've managed to turn it off. I'm just as cold. Well I I tell you what, we had a very good chuckle earlier on when I was measuring producer Ben's forehead, very nice and warm. I've tried to measure his crotch, error message. Now Ben is a steamy 37.8, you're right, Ben. I think you actually might have done it during the bath all. You might be ill.

You might be 37.8 now Ben, you're going to be rapping about Barbeque's along to MOP's coldest ice. So obviously we've got DJ Bucket Lows for the ones and twos. We've got Lows for the ones and twos. In your own time. Yeah! That's right, Bullseye. Because...

Whoa! It's about to get hot up in here! Yeah, I'm hot. Baby? Yeah. That is what I got. No! I'm not.

And the thing's older, that hot. Yes! I want a folk. some pots, I want a hogs. Oh fuck, just some stuff. Oh, also this is a pot. Bob, it gives. How is your mouth? Yeah. Oh, I use it to cook food.

It's like a fire outside! It's like a hoverd, but not! That's right, motherfucker! What?! Oh! Oh! Obsessingly, he's now colder. 36.5. So I'm afraid, team one, you're already down some points.

It's because I sweat so much, but don't worry, Phil can turn that around. Now Phil, you're going to be wrapping about volcanoes. I'm going to measure your temperature if you give me a moment 37.8 very similar to Clarky the same we've been hugging for half an hour Okay, Phil, I'd like you to wrap about volcanoes. We're going to use fire it up by bus to rhymes as our back-in track off you go. Mmm, mmm, uh-huh. Mmm, mmm, that's right. Mmm, mmm, uh-huh. I've got to get hot real fast, fast events volcanic ash. Yeah. Uh, yeah, that's right. I've got to get hot in a rush. Thank God I got Asian Floor!

I'll get hard if I'm immersed before this magmurterns inter crust! Very nutritious for the local flooring fun! Oh! Oh! factual as well, I love it. And this is really fun to talk about my little son. He's so nice on everybody. My son who I lost in volcano. Oh! Oh, what's up? Gotta think of an end. Volcanoes are my hard friends.

Yeah! I've got to think of an end. Volcanoes are my hard friends. Yeah. Yeah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again.

It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. It's actually gone down again. Cool! If you spit fire, you lose heat. Lovely. That's what happens. Lovely. Oh, and actually if they started putting this into use in hospitals, like he's overheating quick, getting to freestyle.

Thank you very much for covering the topic that you've described is really fun. The death of your son. I was just a child. Well, I won the thing is I loved him too much and I wanted him to live forever and what better way than to cake him into a ossified volcanic stone. Yeah, like the people of Pompeii, your son will live forever in our memories. In a sort of defensive, cold up, but... Feet or possession.

And also he makes a great hummestone as well. Very useful. You've got cool... Feetal possession and also makes a great hummus stone as well Very easily you've got cool. It's always with me So he didn't win any points there for the decrease in heat but in terms of rap ability I've got to give both players a point there Ben. I'm gonna give you a hot two out of ten and I think Phil I'm gonna give you eight out of ten I think Phil I'm gonna give you eight out of ten Ten points there. How much did he do? Fillers? What's that? How much he did point to he was 37.6 So you know, I'm not gonna teach you how to suck eggs, but maybe job on the spot or you know think of a time you asked a girl out and she said no Whatever you know something like that

I was so embarrassed. Oh, you're in your heteronormative point. I'm going to measure your temperature now. Okay, so try and be as cool as possible. Okay. And you're in IC 36.9 degrees. Wow, the coolest person here so far. Every, you are so far, until class is started wrapping.

And almost died of hypothermia. You're going to be wrapping about having a fever, and we're going to use drop it like it's hot by old snipped doggy dogs. So, any time, any time you like. My name's Tom Allen, and I've got a fever. I don't know what to do. It's giving me

Jeavers. Oh, you're the Jeavers. I've got the Jeavers, you know. And sometimes when I go out at night, I get the shakes. I get the shakes, yeah. But that's because I've got a fever, you know. Oh, I've got my... Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The temperature's up. The temperature's down. I don't know what to do. I keep feeling my frown. It's all over my crown. I'm just feeling so incredibly down. I don't know what to do, shall I speak to a doctor? I don't know. That's a really hard word

to run. Oh yeah. I go into a song song bit, a song bit, the covers up the fact that I didn't know what rhymes with Dr. Anyway, so then I went to the pharmacy, I didn't know what to get, he said calm with me, I said okay, I wonder what you go behind your counter, he said wait a minute, it's not behind the counter the counter I'm gonna go and sound to overhear it's something special that I keep in my bag I don't want to see you looking all damn sad listen it's just called Paracetamol try rhyming with that I said come on y'all. Oh! Oh! Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap. That's like it.

Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap. That's very much. God, that was great. That was, wasn't it? And can I say, he is now 37.0. He's got up 0.1. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Brap, brap, brap. Oh, my God. That was amazing. Not very few wraps feature the word saunter. And I think that's, you know what, you're right. Some half-rimes I threw in there as well. Well, all half-rimes as far as I could tell. Okay, let's measure Tom Perry's forehead now. I don't measure my forehead.

It gets bigger every year. 35.7 actually, the coldest coldest so far would you believe? So if you want to fuck up here, yo. He's brought a jacket. What's my theme? Your theme is sexy people. You're going to be wrapping along to hot in here by Nelly and sexy people. Sexy people. so take your pit really Let me tell you something to like I find it sexy when someone's on a bike What are you going to up a hill good? I'll go with you. Let me do Netflix and chill. Yeah What you feel will do a couple then in the morning we can huddle together with balls of things We have to try these things why?

Because it should feel nicer than it does. Oh, it's good though. I'll find you nice. Let's go twice. Just give me a bit. I need to have a sleep. And then we'll sing, hide and seek. It's a song about hiding and fighting.

Why? Can't we all get along? Sexy people talk, sexy people talk. Oh, sexy people. Jillian Anderson. But Jillian Anderson. Oh, I like her. I think she's great.

Who the heck do you live in London, town? Maybe we'll bump into each other one day in a preta margin. Whoa. Maybe when you're on ex files, I'm buying the Quasantum of a Jesus. Let's get married. OK, let's win this. LAUGHTER That's excellent.

That's a good one. OK. I mean, let's get the measurement. Let's get married. 35.2. So you actually dropped the temperature. So Tom Allen wins the 10 points in that round, but I've got to give you points for your wrapping. I've got to give 10 out of 10 there for Tom,

because that was nice. Absolutely gorgeous wrapping. Plus the 10 points. So what are the scores at.. Absolutely gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Let's play together, games! Let's play forever, roll the dice, spin that thing, put that down, to lose your toll, games! If you lose, you get nothing, games! If you win, you get gold, gold! Gold! Listen to that ITV2!

Gold! That is ratings! That's ratings singing! Gold! Gold! If that's singing gold, that's righty singing. If they're singing gold, they're going to be watching. There's two dozen ratings. So this week in flat games we're playing our version of Table tennis, which we are calling Fable tennis. In it, each team must improvise a Fable once and at a time,

based on suggestions from their opposite team. I'll be giving points for a clear moral message at the end of the story. So Tom and Tom, you are going to go first, which we have been and Phil need to give you a setting, an object, and two animals on which to base the fable. So have a little think about that, guys. Setting, an object. You give it. The Netherlands. It's the Netherlands. Okay, wow, it's happening in the Netherlands, yes? What's the next thing? An object.

Dolls house. So a doll's house in the Netherlands and the two animals, please. Cowl. Cow and a crab. Cow and a crab. Of course, it's a cow and a crab. Of course, it's a doll's house in the Netherlands. But let's find out what the moral message is at the end of this round So we're doing one line at a time, please off you go It was just outside of Amsterdam and the cow had discovered something very strange He had a strange itching sensation

Around his others That's what he called them wait, I just say his others. That's what he called them. Wait, I guess I, his others. I don't see gender. Okay, as he turned to scratch their others. Thank you John. He found in the bush. Which bush? The bush. He was stood next to. A strange object. Built.

It was. A doll's house. With a snout he lifted up the roof to this doll's house. And there. In the attic. In the attic of a doll's house. there he'll count in the attic in the attic of the animal the cow yeah yeah in the attic of this doll's house he saw go just check do we need to go on the internet and show you a picture of a cow

because cows not have a snake I'd scrunch a cow on it's snake that's why you're banned from so many city farms. Anyway, with the cows snout, it lifted up the roof to this doll's house and lo and behold, in the attic of this doll's house, he saw a little crap out. Help me!

Scream the crap. I'm being held captive in this dolle's house by a wicked tiny dough. I've been here for three years. I keep trying to get out, but unfortunately the door is on the other side to the side so I keep walking between. Yes. Just remind you of the rules. One line at a time, Tom. Well, no one shalls it in there. He's saying that. Well, said the cow.

When you walk sideways, you sometimes have to climb a ladder. LAUGHTER Oh my goodness, that was something else. What a lovely story. That was so funny. That was the sort of thing you were after. No, no. But you've done it now. What am I supposed to do with that?

No, that was lovely, lovely work, beautiful storytelling. Gorgeous wordplay. Can you just, for the, obviously, I understand it, but for the simple terms in the room, can you talk us through exactly what the moral message of, sometimes when you walk slides you have to climb a ladder, actually mean just for the room. For the young people out there.

Yes. Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it, Tom? I would have said so. Basically, if you're being held captive by malevolent doll and you're and you're a crab. And at the same time, you happen to be a crab, which sometimes all of us are. Thank you. You have to learn new ways to overcome your captain. Yeah, think outside the box and you can achieve anything.

Yeah, just don't be a crab all the time. Well that was wonderful there. I think, so for storytelling I'm going to give you seven out of ten and for moral I'm going to take away four points. So three out of ten. So, let's go. It seems fair. Now is your chance Tom and Tom to come up with an object, a setting and two animals for fill and bend and their moral. I think a national trust property. Do you want to go any more specific than that? Chartwell.

Yeah, Churchill's house. I was going to go for that as well. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh So you've got Churchill's house, we need two animals, we need an object. A fire bucket. Oh, is my first animal? Oh! A fire bucket.

Very rare for a squirrel. Is the object. Okay, fire bucket is the object and the animals... I see a pelican. Anaphylbacus. A pelican, a field mouse. It's Churchill's old house and... Chartwell.

Chartwell to give it a name. And a fire bucket, that's right. And a fire bucket. So off you go There once was a man named Winston Churchill. Let's start the beginning And he won the second world war But he had a problem. He had a small fire problem. He had a small fire. In see what the world is really like. Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly

entertaining. A woman planting her course to free them. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. In select theaters, December 15. Acast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boris, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome and wonderful world of Canadian history.

This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. I'da buck it. So you're right. That's right, right? Yeah, it's right. He tried to put it out on the beaches.

He tried to put it out on the rest of that saying. But to never fail. So he couldn't. But who can? Pelican. Down from the sky with his huge wings. Good knowledge. And long beak and also like a soft bit at the bottom of the beak, they could scoop up stuff. And who should be living in that soft bit,

but his friend, the field mouse, ready for anything that the pelican thought to swallow? They were a combo, but the pelican would swallow a thing, and the field mouse would kind of sort through the admin. Sure, of whatever the pelican, yeah. It swallowed. So down flew the pelican to Churchill's house, which was in South East Kent. And Churchill saw this pelican with a field mouth, field mouth in his mouth, what will you do the job with it?

Oh. And so Winston Churchill fed the pelican, the bucket of fire, and the field mouse sorted the hell through it, until there was no fire, and Churchill's house was saved. It's not a bad story. It's not a bad story at all. Lovely story. And that's actually how they invented the spit fire, which won the battle of Britain. This is what Brexit Britain is, is it? Any kind of patriotic message at the end, round of applause. Honestly, that made me very, very happy.

That was just so quintessentially British, and it's wonderful how well Phil has assimilated. That's what I want to say. It's just assimilated. It's so well. You come over here from bloody Afghanistan or wherever you're from, and you have made yourself one of us. I'll be sorry to see you go.

Now, you're... LAUGHTER And I'm proud of that slightly, weirdly. So anyway, I'm going to have to give you some points for that. I thought that was absolutely amazing. I mean, the moral, firstly, 10 out of 10, best of British. The story telling, unfortunately, not quite up to the stand of these guys,

so I'm gonna give you six points there. So that's 16 points in total. Producer Ben, at the end of that round, what are the scores? Well, they're much closer. This is how we play. Ben and Phil have 26. Tom and Tom have 29 and a half.

Whoa! Three and a half. Whoa! Three in a half. OK, well it's now... Now folks, it's time to take stock. Beef stock, it's Beef Brothers! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem, if you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, then we can help you

Beef Brothers, starting at your beef. Yes, it's Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-shared beef. And today, this one comes from Henry, who I believe is here in the audience. Henry, are you there? So, while the mic is heading towards Henry, I'm going to read out Henry's beef. My girlfriend always follows me to the toilet to talk to me. Why can't a man just poop in peace? Henry can you give us your girlfriend's name? Oh, oh, she's here. Okay, yes. Wow, I think you'll

be speaking for your girlfriend, is that right? Yeah. Okay fair enough. Can I just ask one key question before we throw open to the panel for a cross examination. Is it in the room or through the door? In the room. Okay, there we go. That's all we need to know. So, we'll let that marinate while I'll explain who's on who's team. Ben and Phil, you're on the side of Henry.

Tom and Tom, you are on the side of the girlfriend. Was it Megan? Meg, yeah. Meg, sorry, Meg. I have a question before we begin the game. Okay. Is Meg sat next to you right now? Yep, she is, yep. Oh, okay.

And... LAUGHTER And also, are you currently having a poo? LAUGHTER Any questions for Henry? Did Meg know you'd written this before you got chosen? She did not, no not know. I'm so glad I'm a mechside right now yeah. I would be terrified if I have not on me. Okay how long have you

been living with the wonderful mech? Just the two of us for six months but in a shared house 18 months. So is this something that just happened in the last six months? Oh yeah yeah. Once you'd experienced the joy of cohabitation where you can share everything. That is conjecture. Yeah. And being... You can be your true self in front of the show.

Tom, say this for your argument. Any questions from one from Clark over here? Do you have an on-sweet? No, no. Just a one-bed flat and separate batter. An off-sweet? LAUGHTER You can be in a state agent. Do you make bad, how bad are your poos? Do you make bad poos? You need something to write in your bloody diary. The bloody diary.

From what you guys do with the aftermath, you're the artist. Do you feel self-aware of your poo's or your poo's OK? I'm quite happy with them. You're happy with your poo's. Cheapest. Feel any questions for Henry there? What is your main contention? Is there a problem like timing the poo's

or are you trying to do like a sniper behind enemy lines and waiting for For her to shout something before you drop the next bomb or it's not the embarrassment like how do you continue the romantic pretence that neither of you Devigate this is a weird one. Can I answer that with a question? Please do you usually pull on your own? It's a great question Henry well. Well, the effort is usually on my own. But with social media, I'm going to be all putting together now. Very good. Very tricky. You have separate jobs. You don't work in the same place. What do you mean by jobs?

You don't work at a love seat. You don't work in the same office. No. So how often do you get spent your evenings together? How many hours do you get spent five hours a night? Only five hours. Only five hours. It's a shame. I could question. Would you go with Mick? No. What? You never followed the love of your life to the toilet. Any final questions before we begin the... Do you follow other women to the toilet to pick? Pervert?

No, no, no. No? Yes, go on. One final question from the way. The conversations that happened, are they conversations that had already started before you had the urge or has she started? The conversation. Good question.

Because she's seen you going to the toilet. Good question. Mixed with both? I don't know. I'm going to go into the toilet. So you're mid, she's talking to you and you walk off to go and have a shit. Okay, okay, okay, Henry. Okay. Just a two of you in the house yet. I'm in a chat. How was your day? Okay, just Meg actually realized she's following you. You you just sort of walking off? Can't be going anywhere. And like, oh, here we are again. Are you actually tricking her into following you? Is it something that you get off on you sick pervert? Yes, I like that.

So, I've got a question. I can't, I can't. I can't. Just say it's a question. One final question. It's gonna follow three questions. How aware is Meg that she could do so much better than you? Absolutely, absolutely unacceptable. Is Meg feeding you a very high fibre diet? How dare you assume that Meg's the cook in the house? Well, hopefully that's enough information for our teams to make

their cases so without further ado. To begin the case for the prosecution, remember you are on Henry's side. Phil, I'm going to call upon you to, and you have exactly one minute, your minute. Limber up as much as you like, bear in mind I'm not going to take your temperature at any point, so... Your minute begins right now. A successful relationship is all about boundaries, and is about having a personal space in which one can express oneself in a honest, away one wishes to.

If a partner is comfortable seeing one devicate, then where do we draw the line? Are they looking in their mouths? Is it while they sleep? That's a great question. Are they on stitching their clothes? Are they checking their they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they checking their, their, their, their browser history? And these are all boundaries that we mustn't cross.

There has to be some line at which an individual says, I'm an individual, you're an important part of my life, but this is for me. What I'm doing right now is for me, I'm a toilet for me. This is a little catharsis. This is where I release the evil that you do not have to put up with. Five seconds. And so in conclusion, go Henry, keep pooping on your own. Okay. Okay. Okay. To open the case for the defense, Tom Allen, your minute begins now. The thing that we must all remember here is that of course Henry is, as he's demonstrated, a trickster and a liar.

He's ensnared poor Meg into watching him defecate. Not content with reading, house-beautiful and other magazines. He is amally expulsive. He demands an audience. If it wasn't for Meg being there, he would no doubt be live broadcasting it via Facebook Live. We know that character of the man. He is a show off,

and he demands attention. We've seen his submitting of questions against his partner's wish. He's a manipulator? He draws her into the bathroom with starting a conversation after the day is over. He comes in, he puts his Mac on the hook, we know this, he puts his briefcase down, he says, five seconds.

He says, how was your day? And then he gets to do answer and then he walks away and then she follows him into the toilet and then he immediately performs his dastardly deed. Oh wow! Oh wow! Wonderful work. Now normally at this point I ask Henry how you think it's going so far.

I know Meg you don't want to answer any questions, but could you give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down to how you're currently feeling? Oh, thumbs up! We're okay, we're okay, I didn't want to make it awkward. Henry how's it going so far for you? Yeah, I'm in the middle right in the middle. Yes, good point. He's seated. So Ben, you're going to conclude the case for the prosecution. Your minute begins now. Oh, good, good, cool, good, cool, good, good, good, good call, down with inflection on that. Hey everybody, well, you know, Henry, I feel for you, buddy, because I am myself, also,

a private pillar. I don't like people being around. I have fun, the experience quite pussin' on. I know, right? It looked better on paper But yes, when you go for a number two he has written Yeah, I also write down who write all instead of you That's not gonna fly that's your time

Henry I can only apologise. Now Tom, you're going to conclude the case for the defence. Would you like to do it as yourself this time? No, I'm going to be doing this in the style of my deep south defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Oh, I... Oh. Mr. Fanshore Stanley. Fanshore Stanley. Presiding and indeed providing us with so many wonderful legal terms,

your minutes. Should you need it, begins right now. Ladies and gentlemen, after jury. Mr. Fenture standing here, providing and presiding. And we've heard a lot of big heads words there today. A lot of them dear fancy lawyers, from the city, dancing with your words there,

poo rind, or... I never heard of them dear fancy words over there. We hear we be simple folks, huh? I recognize you right there. Karen from the bakery. Smell them buns on a Sunday morning. Let me tell you what this here damn dare case reminds me of. There's a word they've not been using over there.

They won't know find it in not damn dare legal dictionaries. Little fall at a word there. And you won't know find it in none of them their legal dictionaries. Little four-letter word there goes by the name of love. Oh, I see you there, Harry and Jane giving each other a touch. Was it your wedding? Wasn't invited. I was there. I was there.

There are people giving each other a touch in the courtroom. That's the counter-town this is. Let me tell you a little story, German young lawyer. Straight out of college, heck, cheap on the forehead. What? Get down to the hospital, mop the brow. Get down to the hospital, mop the brow, get down to the hospital, cover the case. Next to the Goethe award, what's going on in there? Curious. Legal, legal, and I go. He'll never

seen a nurse drain a goiter before. Cut to Niamon Slater, Mrs. Standin'. Oh yeah, love it first side. Lot of them dead laws are there talk about them boundaries. I'll tell you this for nothing and paint this on my gravestone because I can't afford an engraver. I can't afford an engraver. I can't afford an engraver. I can't afford an engraver.

Ain't no boundaries in that word love just the words L O V E. No further questions, you all right? I can't communicate in this case because I'm currently on parole myself. Would you believe it? Yeah, I was arrested for a stuff. So, the responsibility falls on our Phoenix audience. If you think Phil and Ben and therefore Henry is in the right, applaud now. But if you think Tom and Thomas made the best case and therefore, Omega's in the right, applaud now. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No further questions, Your Honor! APPLAUSE This is OJ all over again. Yeah. Yeah. Or his bed would say, POOJ. LAUGHTER Well, that is all I have time for.

Just because my patience has run out, doesn't mean we can end the show there. Now, instead, there's a tricky quickfire round and the even trickier, quickfire jingle to contend with. Here it is. This is the quick fire round. Good call, guys. It's the round that goes really quickly.

Got about 45 minutes, mate. Which is why you would think... Taking a film, maybe? You would have a really quick jingle But it doesn't No, the jingle's not quick In fact, it's so not quick that It goes through the entire alphabet

Are you sitting comfortably? Because we're going through the alphabet Can you believe it? Don't lose faith in this idea Everyone For it's a really good idea Get comfortable, it's happening If we do this, just imagine how good it will be Okay? Let's carry on moment by moment, not stopping for a second.

Oh! Perhaps query this idea, unless you think it's a very, very bad one. Extremely bad, yes. Well, well, it's time to get on with the quick fire. Foooo! No, let me tell you. Wait, yeah. Can I ask a few questions about that? Why is everyone looking at me so confused? I just didn't get it, I was sort of assuming

it was going to go through the alphabet, but I think it was a bit subtler than we all. All the words he used, used up all the letters of the alphabet. Exactly, they're all in there, all in there. If you look kind enough, they're all there. But if not true of any sentence. Not one with a sentence. Listen back to that, honestly, very strong.

So is it every line starts with a new letter of the alphabet? Yeah, pretty much. It like features... Do you know what? It's a feature. It's a feature of what I'm like, hang on. That's not how a cross-dick works. It's got a cross-dick.

Listen back, it's good. Let me fact, play it again. Don't play it again. Listen at home and then text me. Oh, I'm so angry for, for five three. Oh, f***. Say, don't I, I'll just say, tweet that later. Just say, nailed it.

That's all I need to know. It's good. Oh, anyway. Yeah. Yeah. The worst thing is, I know how this works. Any second out, another bit of it is gonna come in. Even worse, I know what this works. Any second out, another bit of it's going to come in. Even worse, I know what it is. It's the alphabet backwards.

Just... Oh! Yes, now we're going backwards. It's an extremely bad idea. Very, very, unless Tom You do it super quickly Really quick Perhaps it's going to be okay

No mate Let's K, K, get in the jacksy! Instantly! Hello, Ben! Get ready to finish! Every time we do this I can't believe it's all right. Hey!

So I'm trying to post a smile. Did the smile have a snout? Tom, can I just say we owe each other a huge apology. So... LAUGHTER OK, in this quick far round, all questions will be radiated based. Instead of buzzers, if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. Tom and Tom, let's hear that now. Tom.

Love it. Ben and Phil? Tom. Wang! LAUGHTER OK, here we go. Wang! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK, here we go. Question number one, what do you call a female heating device? A female heating device. A female heating device.

A ladyator. Oh, what? What is this round of it? What it is, here we go. There's 47 of them. What sort of heating device has just dropped an E and is waving a glow stick? Clarky.

Clarky, I'll go for Clarky there. Poussinol. Tom. Tom. Arabia. Arabia text. What sort of heating device do you pour over a roast dinner? Tom, Tom.

Arabia text. Arabia text. I like. In what sort of heating device might you find Indiana Jones? Wang. Wang. I said Wang assuming I'd find Indiana Jones? Wang. Wang. I said Wang, assuming I'd find... Bed, we got the answer.

Oh, yeah. Clarke. Radio... Yes. Tom, Tom. Let Clarke... Clarke, it got radio. It's what Ben was about to say that.

It got Jones, the last radio. Radio, it's a last arm. I'll give it to Alton. Crystal Scully, it's... Just a stop. Double Boister Clarke. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. I'll give it to Alton. Got a crystal skull in it. LAUGHTER Double boys are clarky. Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Two boys are clarky. One boy to parry there, because he's...

That was, by the way, the most show of the evening, guys. Yeah. Why haven't you all taken your tops off? He just sailed past Jesus Christ. You missed it. What sort of heating devices just been born? Tom, Tom. Baby A2, yes. That's a great phrase.

What is known, he's more often. That should be what they stick premature babies on. It's on the baby A2. Oh, not the baby A2. Oh, right. You see, you see it, you see it. It wasn't a good idea to say it. No,ubators. Incubators should be called babyators. Babyators.

It's not going to bring Phil's son back, alright? He was dried out in our container. Also a peating device is M&M. Tom. No, I'm a rat. I'm a jellyator, yes. Rats. Rats. Rats. J-80-80, yes. I give you one point of 18.

J-80-80. What sort of heating device is also Judy Fiddigan's husband Richard? Richard Moodle-Eater. Richard Moodle-Eater, yes. What sort of heating device has 99 problems, but a bit jane one? J-80-80. J-80-80. OK, we'll give a point to everyone there.

Well, that was our quickfire round. There's just time for plugs. Are you kicking currently? You've got a podcast as well, haven't you? Would you like to plug your podcast? Oh, sure. Yeah, I do. A podcast called Like-Minded Friends, which your list is.

My enjoy, my friend Suzy Ruffel and I. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. Spinsmith of this parish. And I see him as she and I do a sort of queer centric podcast. And we're also doing some tour shows together at the moment. So come and see us. Fantastic. Phil? Oh, me and deaf me enemies of the show. We have a radio, our second series is a really full show coming out in July, so listen to that.

Oh, fantastic. Fantastic. Producer Ben, it's just time for the final scores. And they're close One team has 32 the other team has 35 and a half oh my god the winners No So the winners got Tom and Tom. Get to have a brilliant time with me.

That's how I guess Phil Wagon Tom Allen. We have been Pappy Seedets, I'm on. Flash, yes. No, no. Pappy's flash, yes, stand down. Be dramatic, big pocket top. I have a special guest. Phil Wagon Tom Allen, it was by Pappy's and producer Ben Walker.

That's definitely going down to the record to actually have brilliant Georgia House Let's fill by the top of that, and it was advised by Paners of Producer Ben Walker. The mid-meds definitely gave down to the record to action campaign to Georgia House, for helping out. Georgia Farm and the British Company Guide and to the Phoenix Cabinet. And the French Fashion Semperids are first production for the British Company Guide and the attention is everyone, bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you want to see what the world is really like? I love that. Poor things. It's theaters, December 15th.