Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Alex Brooker & Morgan Rees (Loft Extension) S14E15

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to put the hats on the hat stand… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square with guests Morgan Rees and Alex BrookerWithAlex Brooker - https://www.instagram.com/alex_brookerMorgan Rees - https://www.instagram.com/morganthereesPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of our flagship show. Yes, it's Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown. Welcome one, welcome all. I mean you say exciting but I mean it can't have come round again. This year is flying by man. It really is.

It is. It's exciting and it's going at a pace isn't it? 2024. I've only just finished listening to last month's episode. What an episode it was. What a great app last month's episode was. It was Carrie Adloyd and Keema Bob. Are we allowed to say we're on a rich vein of form?

Can that come from us? I tell you what you want to do Tom is if somebody could email us in that phrase, yeah, you know, Pappy's on a rich team of form, then I think we can officially put it on our Wikipedia because it's somebody else saying it rather than us. But yeah, if you happen to work for the Telegraph pop it in a column or something, then that's not going to harm, is it? I wonder if, I wonder if, I've got a friend who's a sports journalist, Tom Gibbs. Hello. He works for the Telegraph's a sports journalist, Tom Gibbs, you know.

Hello. He works for The Telegraph as a sports journalist and a features editor. If I got him to tweet, Pappies are on a rare scene of, what's the phrase again? Rich vein of form. A rich vein of form. And then if he tweeted that, could you then put Tom Gibbs of The Daily Telegraph said, even though it's not, would I be allowed to put, I mean, oh, Wikipedia, it's a pretty lawless land anyway, isn't it?

We could put that, right? It's a strength. I think we should do it. I think we should do it. Or any other journalists of any, you know what? In fact, I'd love to get, can we get as many people who work in the journalism sector of any stripe?

We're talking local journalists, we're talking music bloggers, we're talking sports journalists who work for The Telegraph. If you tweet it, we'll put it on our Wikipedia. Do you work for the TFL? Can you put it on the board of the day, going into the tube? Do you work for a pub?

Can you stick it on the chalkboard? Where can we get, like, listen, dear, get that phrase out there. You can all do it in different ways. We need to spread the word here, man, that pappies are on a rich vein of form. We're on a rich vein of form, guys. Please do get in touch and tell us

where you've managed to get the phrase, pappies are on a rich vein of form. Yeah. Yeah, because I mean, I'm happy to say that it's true. Do you know what I mean? Oh, we back it. We back it 100%. Oh, yeah. Definitely, definitely true. Fantastic. No one's gonna call you on it's true. Do you know what I mean? Oh, we back it. We back it 100%. Oh yeah.

Definitely, definitely true. No one's gonna call you on it. If anyone calls you on it, you can just point them to the way of the pod and be like, Look mate, I'm just saying what's happening. The proof is in the podding. The proof is right there in the podding, Carkey. Thank you very much. This is the kind of rich vein of form we're talking about. This is the form, guys. It's rich and it's a vein. It's rich and it's a vein. It's rich and it's vein and we probably think this pod is about us.

Look, this month's episode is no exception. The vein continues in its richness. Oh, the vein is bulging. It really is. It's like the big one on your forehead. It's like it's it's it's positively pulsating like like stressed Eric. Is that gonna do for me one day? Is that vein gonna do for me one day? That's my fear. My my my worry is that you're going to accidentally like just nick it ever so slightly like a paper cut or something and it's gonna be a real gusher it's gonna be a real geezer if you if you get the phone call Paris gone and they say what happened and they say his vein went you're not gonna be surprised are you that was a ticking time bomb that way he lived by the vein he died by the vein. He was very vain.

He was incredibly, weirdly, he was incredibly, what a vain man. Weirdly. Weirdly. So strange. For one of the huge boys breeding his veins. That's the thing my wife and I do is, it's actually, it's a little mean, I'm not going to say what we do. I was going to say, I was going to say, I was going to say.

I was going to say, I was going to say. I was going to say, I was going to say. I was going to say, I was going to say. I was going to say, I was going. Yeah, I was going to say, I was going to say. I'm telling you. No, I'm fine telling people, but I tell you what, I tell you what, I'll tell people on the Patreon. If you'd like to hear the horrible mean stuff that I say at home, then do get to patreon.com forward slash papi flat share

because for just four quid a month you get a bonus episode every single week plus you get bonus beefs, plus you get the jingle as a month, you get a bonus episode every single week. Plus you get bonus beefs. Plus you get the Jingle as a Single. You get a whole load of extra bonus content. We would love, you know, we put out these episodes for free. We don't charge you any money for them. But if you want us to keep on going, then that is a great way of supporting us. If you are able, crucially, if you're able.

And can we say Jingle as a Single from last month? The message is fluent. They liked it, didn't they? Very much so. The Lampstand M&M Jingle as a Single, if you want that. As an MP3, on your MP3 player, then join the Patreon today. Please make our veins rich. Make our, yeah, get our veins a-pumping. Not too hard in Paris' case

because we don't want to lose him early doors. Not when we're in this rich vein of form. Anyway, as well, if you want to join the Patreon, for the first seven days, you can do a free trial. So, and that's actually been, you know, I keep forgetting to mention it. And every time we mention it, loads of people sign up. Yes, there we go.

So get on board the first seven days absolutely free. If you don't enjoy it after seven days, fair enough. It's your life. If you don't love the rich, vainer form we're on, if you don't think it's rich enough or vainy enough or whatever. For some people it can be too rich. Then you're free to go. You'll lose no money for that, but it would be lovely to have you there to stick around.

But yes, so join us there. patreon.com forward slash Papi's Flat Share. Now this episode, we have two incredible guests and we should say it was a really giddy time that we recorded this. You'll probably you'll probably get that from the recording because we had the brilliant Reese Morgan and Charlie Brooker were our guests. Well, you got both those names wrong. OK, so we had I could tell as you were going into it. Charlie Brooker were our guests. Well, you got both those names wrong

You know what jumped into my head Morgan Freeman threw me for an absolute loop and I was like, oh no! And I was hurtling towards the end of the sentence. Morgan Freeman's there! That was, that was, Emma's just said, that was too rich a vein of form I think. I think what you're witnessing is the vein of form sort of pouring up a little bit. Our vein of form is a little bit hard on its luck I'd say at this stage now. We had a good one. We had a good one. It's an intro to really just do ourself.

Once upon a time it looked so fine. Right, can I go again? No, no, no, no, that's perfect Tom. You've done enough. What Tom was of course trying to say. I've got the names though. Is it Alex Brooker? It is, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Morgan Rees.

It's Morgan Rees! There we go, there we go. Well, it was basically right. Come on now. Yeah, it's not. I can't believe you're nitpicking at me like that. Bloody hell. Charlie Brooker is a different person. he's the guy who writes Black Mirror. Come on Crosby Matthew. Reece Morgan is a guy I went to secondary school with. There you go, there you go.

What a great episode it would be. I've been asking for those two as guests for months now. Reece, get in touch, Parry's keen to book you. Get in touch, Parry's keen to book you. Okay, so we got there in the end. We? Come on guys. Come on guys. I can't do it all by myself as I've demonstrated. So we were giddy, we were giddy because Alex Brooker, a name we'll never forget, has just

come out of being Mas Singer. He was on the chase, wasn't he? He was on the Mas Singer, that's what it is. Yeah, that's right. It just came out of, had he won? Had he won Mas Singer? Nope. Well.

And Tom went up to him immediately and said, I've got to ask, are you 100% faithful? And a lovely conversation based on that. Anyway. And I love Black Mirror by the way. Okay, okay, let's go. And what was Matthew like when he was 17? As much of a prick?

Oh, less of a prick. Well, there we go. But anyway, he'd just done the Masked Singer, he was in the final, he came third. And it was really, really exciting because, you know, he was on that absolute high of just being, I would say, one of the most famous people who no one had seen his face in the country. He wasn't wearing the big foot suit. Yeah, absolutely. Except without the fame bit. But yeah, apart from that, yeah, definitely. In the country.

I will say as well that Morgan is a phenomenal, phenomenal stand-up. Oh my God. I love doing the Sjzek Redemption he was great but if you've only seen him in that you don't know what a wonderful Welsh stand-up he is. Quite different from his film work but yeah no he's a brilliant brilliant stand-up he's fantastic and he's he's currently on tour so I cannot recommend him highly enough he's touring all over the place he's absolutely brilliant. Crucially coming to Exeter. He's coming to Exeter, yeah. Which is what we all look for in a tour these days.

You've got to get to Exeter, yeah. So yeah, do go and see him. I think he's doing the Hackney Empire. He's got the brilliant Jade Adams in support because he supported her on tour and she's returning the favor. And the show is, I mean, he's brilliant. But the stuff he's got planned for the tour is enormous. It's going to be fantastic. Do go and see him. He's absolutely brilliant. We'll put the details in the show is, I mean, he's brilliant, but the stuff he's got planned for the tour is enormous.

It's gonna be fantastic. Do go and see him. He's absolutely brilliant. We'll put the D-dub in the show notes as well. 12th of June, Exeter. Yeah. 12th of June, get yourself down to the Exeter. Is it the Phoenix he's playing?

The big one, I assume so. It's got a lot of things, isn't it? Great. Okay. Well, let's continue this Rich Rainer form with this month's brilliant episode. Parry, you absolutely nailed that. Thank you. Tom Baird! What is it, Matthew?

What is it, you prick? Come on, mate, you're a prick. Firstly, chill out, check the toot at the door. Secondly, ever since I started bulking up on wave powder and bought these Cuban heeled slippers, I could barely fit in the flat. One of you two needs to build us a loft extension. Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to have to get a new one.

I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going to have to get a new one. I'm going could barely fit in the flat one of you two needs to build us a loft extension

oh we're going up in the loft a loft conversion that's what we're after today it's not gonna be me mate I tried last week but it's very difficult when you live in a block of flats just really pissed off the neighbors tunneling into their floor the man upstairs doesn't like that And it's not gonna be me because every time I think about putting a room in the attic, I get sexually aroused. Honestly, I do. I went to my priest. A little bit of that was the end of the joke.

I can't do enough version, I've got a boner. Goodnight everybody. I went to my priest, I said I said look I can't stop thinking about fucking the loft. He prayed for me and it went away and people say loft conversion therapy doesn't work. You can't hear a smile guys, you can't hear a smile. Loft conversion therapy as I live and breathe. I prefer the first punchline actually. There's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a flat-chest slam down.

Hello and welcome. Sit down, sit down. Stay in your seats, guys. Stay in your seats! And welcome to Flat Shares Slamdown, the panel show that says, I really love to be alone without all the aches and pains and the April showers. But it ain't long before I long for you like a ray of hope coming through the blue. When it all gets darker then the whole thing falls apart I guess. It doesn't really matter about the rain because we'll get through it anyway.

We'll get up and start again because we could be lofted. Ooh! Lofted. Lofted. We could be lofted from the shadows. Loved it, loved it. We can be loved it from the shadows. Loved it. I'm the host and landlord Matthew Crosby. Yes. Let's meet my lost convert. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clark, everyone.

It's always a delight when Matthew does an idea that we rejected for the jingle. We go, we can't do the lighthouse family. And he goes, no, we can. We can. It's 2024 guys. They're still touring. But listen guys, you can't convert the loft on your own. Who have you brought to shout Bible verses at them this week? Tom. The Jamborees in trouble everyone. Oh no.

Yes. It's now in a steffod. That's a gorgeous reference. Yes it is, thank you. If you're Welsh, that's a gorgeous reference. I've invited the welshest person I know, Morgan Rees. Morgan. Whoa. Yeah.

Yes. Have you ever, have you ever competed in a steffod? Yeah, you have to as a kid. There you go. What's a steffod? You uncultured swine. Yeah you have to as a kid. What's an Estefod? You uncultured swines. You unwelched swines. Talk us through it for the unwelched amongst us. Yeah for them. Yeah for what's an Estefod? That's how we categorise you guys, the unwelched. If you're unw-Welsh, I stared for it. It's like a nationwide talent search.

So I got really excited. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'll say it like an actor. Have you heard my lighthouse family? It's really good, guys. Yeah, so like everyone puts their big leek on, everyone puts their traditional dress on, then everyone, I'll be honest here, everyone sings. Everyone sings.

Everyone's singing and dancing. It's fucking wicked. What did you sing? Oh, what did I sing? I think I sang Elvis. That famous Welsh hero. You're a Welsh hero. Of course. But outside of this, Defod, what kind of a person, Morgan, are you to live with? I'm alright. I'm a good one. I'm a feeder. I'm a cleaner.

But I'm conv... I'm a good one. I'm a feeder. I'm a cleaner, but I'm convert. I'm a midnight old man. I get my loving on the run. My favourite Elvis song. You should have done it. Back to back with your step-off. I should have done that. I should have done it. No, I'm good, but I'm conflict diverse. That's my problem. So I don't call out people for bad behaviour that I live with.

You sound like an ideal housemate. I'd love to live with you. No, because then it just encourages it. I remember when my housemate moved out and he just put everything in the bin. His duvet, his pillow. No, his pillow. He put his pillow in the bin. Are you sure he wasn't sleeping in the bin?

No. So he just took everything, he dumped it and it became your problem. Are you sure he wasn't sleeping in the bin? So he just took everything, he dumped it and it became your problem, you had to take it to the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've had to do it all the time. Like my old housemate left, he was a model and he left all this clothes under my bed. What? And I, most times when I move into a place I have to complain about like moulds.

I've never had to complain about Gucci. It's sort of a nightmare. Did it fit though? Did you have a load of stuff that you could wear yourself? No, I can't. He's tiny. Have you still got it? Because I'm tiny. I can't really say. He's a famous actor, I've moved into his room. Take it off! Take it off!

Let's guess, let's guess. A tiny model who's now an actor. He's tiny compared to me. He's an actor. So he's 6 foot 4. Yay! It's an audio podcast. A tiny...

You can't hear his smile. Are we talking film or television? What's he? He's in film and telly. Both, the doubler. Ooh. And we never cracked film, did we? Never cracked film.

Barely cracked telly. We broke telly. I'd say, I now, at the how much they've gone on, because I now live in a shed in Tottenham You do in the bin yeah and they are now they don't live in a shed in the bin, but But they kind of do live in a shed on TV. Oh Or something I might resemble a shed Is it the Cookie Monster? Is he living in the bin? That's Oscar the Grouch.

But also, he does live in a bin, he lives in a shed, Tom is the clue. So excited by the notion of a clue. The duvet's in the bin. He lives in a shed on television. Oh, it's Doctor Who! It's Doctor Who! It's Doctor Who! Whoa! Yes! It's Doctor Who, you used to live with Peter Capaldi! Yeah, yeah, yeah! She's unbelievable!

Yeah! The sexiest model in town! Yeah! You used to live with Doctor Who? Well, I wanted to move to London, I said, if you've got a room going, he said, yeah, I've got to move out, I've got this big thing, I can't say.

And it was Doctor Who. Bloody hell!'s really exciting isn't it can we put that in the podcast? Yeah sure. Someone in here worked for Dr Who. No he's just no found it a bit boring actually. So Ben who have you brought along? I've brought the unmasked minger, it's Alex Fowler! Whoa, whoa, wow, wow, wow, wow! Are you a troll? Eight weeks of it and no one said that, I enjoyed that! Get me on!

I'd love to see Clarky as a guest judge on that. Just rousing everybody. Really enjoy it. Whoever's behind the mask will reckon they're rank. Keep the mask on, yeah? Brooker, what kind of a person are you to live with though? I'm very much in my house, I'm very much bottom, well I was, actually until Saturday night I was very much, I was bottom of the pile in my house, my wife and my two girls, like

they're in charge but today, I've FaceTimed them before and for the first time my kids were just so excited. That's what respect looks like. Are you going to wear it? time before and for the first time my kids were just so excited. That's what respect looks like. Are you going to wear the costume on the school run? It's like I'm going to have to drive with one foot girls. You don't want to roll that dice. Stop watching the clue packages. That person, yeah, they do have the dexterity to do it in the fair.

You need to hire that guy to do the school run. Stay in bed. This is the thing though, inside the costume it could be anybody. You could send yourself out for public appearances. You could franchise yourself. You could franchise Bigfoot. Crosby, are you volunteering yourself? Yeah! Do you know what though? Like Justin Timberlake's performing in London on Friday and I was desperate to go but I got bloody last leg. Oh yeah yeah me too. Is that what you're

doing? You can't do the whole show from inside the costume. So Brooklyn did you get to have that moment where you're watching the mass singer with your kids and they're trying to guess who it is and they see it's you? Yeah, so the very first song, I'd say 10 seconds into it, my youngest went, so dad, I feel sort of great, got another eight weeks to kiss. And on Sunday when we watched it with them, they were just pissing themselves laughing, but all their mates are like, yeah, they think it's so cool And today I was like, I can't wait for you to come home and I'm like, yeah I've done the fuck all for you today

Your mum's got you up, done the scoring She's now on the worst of my thoughts, I called when she was on the way Taking them to like brownies and stuff like that So busy and she's been to work. Now, I can't wait to see you there. And I sat right until your kids friends find out you're on flat share slab. Have your kids got any 40 year old friends?

I mean, absolutely. I don't love it. I don't love it. Well, Alex, Brooke and Morgan-Reezer are our guests today. Let's have a round of applause. We've met our guests. Let's see who's ecstatic about getting into the attic as we play Round One. Well we can be lofted Been on right move for a year Not sold the house, not even near Let's face it, we're not going anywhere

But we're a large family And there's no room for them and me We're gonna need another set of stairs Gonna get a loft extension And course I've got poor bladder retention I guess I'm sweet as to be in the plan Of course I'm tall as get a dormer and radiators to keep it warmer Before you know it's costing ninety grand

Yes I've got a bedroom in the roof It cost more than moving screws. Fantastic work. It's so great to hear why he lost his wife. You hear it happening in real time. Bloody hell. Forget about La Rue. People don't realise you've got to suffer for your art, haven't you, Tom? And so do we, actually. The first round, round one this week, is called Lofty Ideas.

I'm going to give a player from each team an everyday problem for which they both have to pitch a solution, okay? These can be life hacks that you already use or even better life-changing inventions you've come up with on the spot once both ideas have been pitched I'll allow for the ideas to be interrogated by each team before making my final ruling whoever's idea I deem to be the loftiest scores up to five points five five whole points for a good idea here by the way by telling us these ideas they're immediately owned by Papi's Incorporated,

no longer your intellectual property. On with the game! So, we'll start with Tom. Tom and with Alex. Your problem is running into somebody, but you've forgotten their name. You've met them before. You've forgotten their name.

Tom, what's your solution to this everyday problem? Well, my current solution is the word dude. It's a beautiful thing. Always lead with dude. And there's one time I strayed away from that and I said it's really nice to meet you for the first time and they said I flied for you the whole of last Edinburgh. Oh mate. And I was like always go with dude. Also whoever, it's really nice to meet you for the first time. Oh! What an experience! It's lovely to meet you finally for the first time.

And don't worry, I will be keeping counts. It's great to meet you for the seventh time. Oh! Cruz does that thing, doesn't he, Matthew, where he meets you, Matthew, and he repeats your name, Matthew, five times, very quickly, Matthew. He doesn't know who I am, you Matthew and he repeats your name Matthew five times very quickly Matthew he doesn't know I am Tom so I doubt it that's the trick the trick is Tom Cruise is supposed to yet he's one of his

techniques for getting into his head right it's once you introduce yourself he'll say it five five or six times very quickly and also you're supposed to put their name to a mental image that reminds you of them. Is that what it's gonna be, shithead? So that's the cruise method. Okay, which one are you going for? I'm a fan of names on hats. You just take every idea you can think of. Going with names on hats, because hats are good.

I'm a big fan. Yeah. And actually what's wrong with people knowing your name? Yeah. Put your name on your hat. Absolutely. We're not gonna have any more problems. That's why I'm gonna change my name to Magga. Yeah. What's wrong with it? It's the hat I wear. Okay we've got names on hats. You get to design your hat. Okay. Are you pitching Easter bonnets now. You get to design your own hat. So what you're saying, if you want to wear a Stavepipe hat that says Tom on it, you can do that. If you're out the house, you've got to wear a

hat. It's got to have your name on it. So it's a bit like the sort of national ID card that people are so upset about. You've got to have your name say, you've got to have your name. And how do you know they're using their real network? We'll get to that later. Trust, trust. It's a trust based, it's like an honesty bar in a hotel. Yeah. Trust based system. Okay, so, Brooker, what's... Less people would abuse an honesty bar in a hotel if they had their names on their hats. You make a very strong point, Tom. The audience one day will agree with you. Okay, Brooker, you've met a person, you've forgotten their name, what's your solution?

I try to, I really try hard to like remember people's names. Because I always think it's like quite, it's always slightly awkward when people shake my hand anyway. So if I've got to do it for a while, I'm like, alright. I don't have the grip to make it last that long. But I do the same thing, I'm not a dude man. I'm like, oh geese. And then they remember, especially on the school run, they remember I'm chav scum. At the moment I just keep wearing really leery tracksuits on the school run.

You know that green Mexico jacket? Of course I do, yeah, yeah. That's got matching trousers with it. I've been rocking that. Some people don't really want to talk to me. Okay, so yours is sort of the opposite of Tom's. Tom's is like, have a hat. The thing about the method I do the thing, not five times though, like Tom Cruise, but

I do the thing where you repeat someone's name and it's meant to stick in your mind. My problem with that is you don't know their name. What the hell are you repeating? Hey dude, hey dude, dude. Nice to see you, dude. Hey, dude. All right, dude. That's locked in now, dude. I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'd be scared that I'd just call them the object that I attached them to. Yeah.

Hey, Apple. They're going, no. No. Do you ever find, though, if it's someone you can't, you don't remember their name, you just get straight into, like, the first really rattle into conversation, then says I if it's someone like a you know if you remember who someone supports or something like that if you could do that any other bad result for spurs ever day when I was good was it that's all

think you've got the thing I do is as I'm as I'm leaving I'll often go I'll often go alright nice to see you I like like to see if I can throw in a little syllable, a little thing at the end where like, oh I think your name might be Alex but I can't, oh nice to see you, that's what you know. I sort of throw in the sounds a little bit like it, you know, but,

but what's your solution though, what's your solution to the problem? Well I tell you, as I said, I mainly have this problem when I'm doing, what's going on? I'll tell you what, I've just come into possession of this great costume. Oh yeah?

Do they let you keep it? So I'll just sort of be... Well no one else... They said I couldn't keep it, but it's tailored to my arm, so unless I get someone very niche on another series, they're gonna keep rocking ups or something, he's had an accident. Well the bad news is, we've got some good news. Have you ever seen the Mars singer? Because we've got a costume that will fit you like a mitten. Your first job, you've probably seen Alex's kids by the way.

People know them, they go, did you hear what happened to Adam? He had a car crash and came out a furry. But what's my solution? What's your solution? You've got to tell me Alex. Yeah. I think you... Hi. Oh wow. By the way, why did you say on the hat?

My first thing was I was just going to be like a name badge is simple enough, but you wanted it on the hat. Yeah, hats are fun aren't they? Everyone looks hats as you can tell from the audience's response. What's your solution, Brooke? I'm gonna have to push you here, mate. I think you should have to say your name as soon as you start talking to someone. So almost like you're answering a question on a quiz. As in like, so you've got us like, like on a university challenge, but you're saying it yourself.

Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex Liverpool John Moores. Parry. Is it where you live? Do you know Parry? Exeter? It's not bad. It's pretty cool though.

It's pretty good. We've got two very strong solutions here. We've got Dude over here with the hats. We've got Giz over here with the having to say your name as soon as you meet people. Morgan, Ben, what do you think of your teammates' choices? What do you think of the opposing team's choices? Can you pick any holes in them? Well, I will say this. I really like Alex's. Yeah?

And I really dislike Tom's. Okay. You know what? That swayed me. That's how you play. Morgan, what are you thinking? Do you see any flaws in Alex's logic? Morgan shed, it should be. Morgan shed. Shed a competition.

Morgan garden. Well, I liked that. You get to bring your own flair, your own identity with it, because you can have a different hat every time. Famously, you can choose the hat. You can change the hat. Those are people called Nike.

Uh, but I like Alex's idea, but obviously, saying your name. But I know a lot of gay men that go to dark rooms, and the whole thing there has been anonymous. And so I like developing photos, do they? Yeah. Well, it's just a matter of rotating the hats in the direction it needs to be. Just tilting at a certain angle so they can't see it.

Yeah, that's a good point. I'd be a giveaway in one of them see it. Yeah, that's a big giveaway in one of them straight Okay, well you know in some cases to Paraphrase Tom Jones you can take your hat off You don't always have to wear it but out and about in public in the dark room You wouldn't be able to read the hat anyway in the dark room. You don't get to read the hat anyway That's the problem with Brooker's name and where you live. Yeah, it's not because... Yeah, because as we all know no one's got any control over their own words. That's exactly why I think my one's good, because what if you don't

want to talk to someone that day and you've got your name on the hat for no reason with this? Hang on, hang on. You're only using it when you have an interaction. The way you said it is everyone has to do it You can't opt out of it, else it's not a system. You're not just announcing it in the park on your own are you? I'm not gonna be in Tesco just going Alex It's only when you've spoken to it so actually you're in control of it mate So you and your hat

If you're in the dark room and I can tap you on the shoulder you've got to say Alex from London I'll move on to someone else Tom I'm gonna give you the five points You know what, Tom, I'm going to give you the five points for that. Five points going to Barry there. Brilliant. Ben and Morgan, you're up next. Your problem is getting past a street charity collector. We'll start with you, Clarky.

It's so simple. Two words. Yeah. Dropkick. Whoa, whoa. Bish,ish bash bash or just bosh. Every charity. It looks bad on you doesn't it? That's bold. That is bold. Well you fire me a charity and I'll say what I'm gonna do to them. Alright. Okay, help the ages. Clothesline. They do need something to dry their clothes on.

What's wrong with you people? Fuckin' hell. No, no, Tom. Doctors without borders. Fair play. Elbow drop. Guide dogs. Doctors without borders. Fair play. Elbow drop. No!

Shhh. Guide dogs. No, is it a dog or the person? It's very rare to get a dog with a clipboard. Often they'd be fairly easy to pass. To be fair, so would the people. Wow. Okay, so we've got physical violence. Morgan, how do you counteract physical violence? You're trying to get past a charity bugger. Oh, I would say keep a cracked spare phone on you.

Every time they ask you just get it. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, and then just drop immediately drop it on the floor. Oh my god. Oh, that's really good. That's good. I'll go, what's that? Um... LAUGHTER

What's that? They closed out of it. LAUGHTER All right. We've got a tag team going here. Tom and Alex, what do you think of your teams and indeed your opponents' suggestions? Carrying a cracked phone for emergency situations can help in other situations as well like someone you don't like wants to give you their number. You're like, oh no, I'm sorry.

When does that ever happen? No, all the time. Yeah, you would get help when you're neighbouring. I was like, oh I don't really want to talk to you. I'm not actually meant to support. No you're not. We all love the crack phone though. I reckon yeah, beat the shit out of them. I always quite enjoy it when like, when disabled charities come up to me and it's like, come

on guys, why don't you just give me the money and we'll count it. I'm not hoping a savings account. It will come back to me eventually. We're collecting for an amputee foot to mouth. Come on. It's nice for you to know where your money's going, isn't it? Straight to your black on the telly. I think we all like the crack fun. I'm going to give Morgan the five points. Okay, Morgan, it's your chance to go head to head with Alex. Okay? Now your problem... Finally. Finally. The old grudge match. Okay, Morgan, it's your chance to go head to head with Alex, okay? Now your problem...

Finally. Finally. The old grudge match. Your problem is an embarrassing stain on your trousers. Alex, what's your solution? Oh! We know the... Where is it?

You know where it is. Okay. Don't play coy with us. It's not a bit of salsa on the shin. You know what it is. I always, that's what I was hoping for. I was thinking, god I hope this is salsa on the shin. It's not guacamole on the back pocket.

No, no. What are we talking? We're talking about a toothpaste or- Toothpaste. Morage or something. So it's toothpaste. Within, I'd say, five or six inches of the zipper. Sorry, I meant nine or ten inches from the zipper.

Depending on how warm it is. So yeah, we're talking about some sort of miscellaneous stain towards the zipper reach. Is that five or six inches from your zipper? That's your shoe, is it? I try and be a birdmucker, okay? Leave me alone. Okay, what's your solution? Okay, what's your solution? Well I can't like, I suppose it's dodgy if I kind of burst out it's toothpaste. If you want to do a taste test on it.

Is your final answer taste it? If you don't believe me give it a lick yourself. Don't worry about me signing up for the charity stuff. Two birds with one stone. You know what, I actually did have, I was on the exercise bike in the gym the other day and where I'd sweat, where I'd sweat, no mate, come on, look at me, where I'd sweat, basically it looked like I'd sweat... Nah mate, come on, look at me. Where I'd sweat, basically it looked like I'd pissed myself. And I was having to go to the shop after, so I held the basket across the...

I held it like... So I held it with two hands. Like across my crotch the whole time. And quickly filled it with stuff that was flat so no one could see what looked like... I saw that bloke off the Marseille, he was fucking a basket. Unbelievable. The depravity. But the best thing he was fucking a basket unbelievable the depravity but the best thing about it was I think people just looked at me because it was so awkward

me holding there just for maybe that's just how he does it so we're not gonna question yeah that's maybe that's bless him it don't rain it does he's just got he's just got a he's just got a cradle his basket right by his crotch. He's carrying it like he's Red Riding Hood. So is your suggestion carry a basket at all times? Do you know what, that's exactly my... It's a good suggestion. I'll tell you what, I'll put your name on the basket. Everyone's a winner.

Pop a crack phone inside. Sorted ET out, didn't it? They don't get away about it. So we've got, we've got carry. I'm pretty sure he was in the basket carrying it around. Sorting it out. Sorting it out, didn't it? Sorting it out.

OK, so we've got carry a basket around everywhere. Morgan, have you got a better solution than that? Yeah, I think. I wouldn't have thought that's difficult. Five points to Morgan. Yeah, I think just owing up to it. I've been going to a lot of raves at the moment. There's all these big men that are just weird,

just lace in their laundry and all that. And it's not about what you wear, it's how you wear it. So I think just sit your head up and go, come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come.

Just own it. People remember trailblazers, not sheep. Just go. Just go... Other than Sean, famously. Morgan, shed, cum. Drop your basket and walk out. Yeah, just because people are probably like, it's cool, it's bold, it's sexy, isn't it?

It's... Yeah. Maybe not bold, it's sexy, isn't it? It's... Maybe not sexy, I say sexy, but... If it's sexy, you'd be drenched in your own cum. Hello, ladies. These things... You know what? They come back into fashion, don't they, these things? All these years I've been hiding it, now I can just be me. We walk around with that blue light thing just all over the body, don't you know?

It's like a crime scene. It's not covered. Honestly, this looks like a black t-shirt, it's Jackson Pollock. The Five Boys go to Morgan, of course they do. Of course they do. And finally, finally it's our team captains, Tom and Ben. Your problem, your problem is world hunger. Now what is...

Sorry, that's a misprint actually, It should read leaving the house without your headphones. Leaving the house. Oh thank God. Leaving the house without your headphones. We'll start with you Tom. Tom what's your solution? Oh God. It's a good one.

Okay, you've left the house without your headphones. What are you doing Tom? Live pod. Live pod? Yeah! Just live pod, live sing, do it yourself. Be in the moment. Just live sing, just live sing that you're coming. You'll get the kind of looks that I got this morning

on the tube when I was doing my vocal warmup on the central line. Mmm. Mmm. That's all it was. People hated me. Hated me. They looked at me like I was some kind of fucking nut job. But thankfully you got here and everyone loved it. Tom. Imagine breaking that vocal warm up to just go, come. Sexy, sexy that is now. Live podcast guys, we spend too long listening to other people talking rather than talking to our fellow human beings.

Why listen to someone sing when you can sing yourself? It's something I say to myself all the time Make your own entertainment make your own in the moment. Yeah, lovely stuff. So we've got live pod from Tom Clarky What have you got? I reckon if you leave your house without your headphones Go back to your house go back to your house. You know what? It's pretty good. It's good.

It's pretty good. I'm giving you the five points guys. You can't argue with that. I think we can work it out, but at the end of that round, producer Gwyn, give us a solution to the problem of me not knowing the scores. Ben and Alex have five, but Tom and Morgan have 15. Oh! So Tom and Morgan are in the lead.

That doesn't mean that Ben and Alex have been left behind. There's still everything to play for when we return in part two. See you in a bit! See you in a bit! Welcome back to Flat Chest London! Now before the break, Tom and Morgan were in the lead. That hasn't changed. But what has changed is me. What? Yeah. I'm pretty sure I finally had my growth spurt.

Yes! Puberty here I come! I'm absolutely huge guys, I'm enormous, I need that loft conversion more than ever. But who's going to build it? Let's find out as we play round two. It's Games! Let it play forever! Roll the dice, spin that thing, put that there, do as you're told! Games! If you lose you get nothing! Games! You win you get gold! Gold! Gold!

Gold! Gold! Whoa! Gold! Gold! Gold! Listen to that, Chortle Awards! Not nominatable enough for you, is it?

That kind of ground swell? You're not into it anymore, are you? You don't like popular things, do you, Chortle? Such a strange axe to grind, but you know. Shoot for the moon, Harry know shoot for the moon, Harry shoot for the moon this week this week we're playing a version of whose line is it anyway which we're calling whose crime is it singy way are you listening chortle? Too current for you? Too topical a reference for you chortle?

Two topical reference for you, chortle! I'm going to ask each of our panellists to sing about a famous crime to the tune of a song with the word way in the title, aka classic flat slam. If their team-mate can guess the crime they score one point, I will award up to ten points for a performance so good, it should be against the law. First up, it's Ben. Now, Ben, here we go. Your song is Highway to Hell

by alternating current slash direct current. I don't mind that at all. I do mind this though. But Alex Brooker, what famous crime is Ben singing about? It's a crime, I can tell you now from the look on his face, it's a crime Ben has not heard of. Pleading ignorance will not get you off. Either that or it's a really grizzly crime. Okay, Clarky, you've got your crime there,

you've got your song. DJ Gwyn, show us the way. Ugh. You trod in something. Oh dear. Come. It's come. It's come. It's come. It's come.

It ain't easy! It really isn't! Oh my god! Oh, I'm a man. I fake my death. And I went out in a boat. Oh yeah. I haven't really heard of this.

But I don't know any of the details at all. But he probably went to jail. I don't know any of the details at all but he probably went to jail. He probably went to jail. Yeah, he probably went to jail. He was in a clue and he probably went to jail. to J-Hoo! CHEERING Can I... LAUGHTER

Can I just say, guys, I have to pin that on the audience there because Ben is not used to getting a positive response. LAUGHTER And you enjoyed the first line so much he went he was all at sea Which by the way is a bit of a clue Boy I'm so sorry Do you know what you're all it's forgive Say Alex Brooker first of all do you know what crime?

Ben was thinking about I mean I actually think I do. Well, here we go. You do work on a topical news show, so... You know I don't listen on it. Come on, mate. Crosby, have you written the answer for me? Is it? The geese who went off in the canoe, was it Charles Darwin? It wasn't Charles Darwin. Not Charles Darwin. Charles fucking knocked my suitcase.

No, not Charles Darwin! Crimes against... Easy on the go! Crimes against the creation story. Yeah, no, you see that... He went off in the canoe to the Galapagos Islands, wrote down all the animals. Something Darwin!

It is John Darwin the Canoomer! John Darwin! Charles Darwin! Should have stuck with Geezer! Should have stuck with Geezer! He just should have had it on that! That's what gave it away actually! Your mistake when faking your own death was having your name on your hat.

Okay. So you know, DNA tests this fluid, will you? I don't know how you got that from I'm a man who went off in a canoe, but you're good at this game, Brooker. I'll say that, you're good at this game. So what we're gonna give Clarky, now if you'd stopped after the first line it would have been 11 out of 10. It was really good. I'm gonna give you I'll give you 8 out of 10. 8 out of 10 for Clarky there.

You've given yourself some room. Next up, it's Morgan who'll be tackling a big tune. It's My Way. But I would like you to do it my way, please, by singing about this famous crime. Tom, your job is to guess the crime, okay? So, you've got the crime. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, he doesn't know it either. I was so scared of not knowing it. You know this one? Oh yeah. Did you commit it? It happened in a dark room, guys, that's all you need to know. DJ Gwynn flashes your badge and take a few names. And now, the water's tack

Had some awards We didn't expect them He dissed He dissed his wife he shouldn't have done it on the big TV you went straight up and went get back oh no oh no not this man shouldn't have done that although it was loud we spoke about it a lot. It was over the news. Quite a lot. He wouldn't wish to take it back.

Oh! Take it back? He did not do that. They banned him from further awards like that. I can't think of a term that rhymes with way. That guy! Oh, a beautiful edition there from Morgan Reece. How many words rhyme with that? Well, the word that certainly does. I love a rhyming scheme that's a a a a a a a a. The Scouser rhyming scheme.

the scouser rhyming skit. But Tom, calm down, Tom what crime was Morgan singing about there? I didn't realise it was a crime. It was a crime yeah yeah. It's a song. A clue. You can use that. What was the crime? It was Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars last year. Yes, it was indeed. It was. The 2022 Oscars, he slapped him around the chops. Yeah, that, you can't just go around slapping people, Tom. That's a crime. It's a crime. It's a crime. What a way to find out.

It explains so much about our relationship. Didn't realise that was a crime. But what are we going to give Morgan? Was he charged? Yeah. Bloody hell. Was he? Quite right too.

With best actor. I don't think he was charged. I don't think he was charged. He was. He was. He was charged with aggravated assault. I tell you, he should have been charged. I'd say the biggest crime of all.

Us not getting nominated for a short number of years. Put our names into your mouth! Anyway, a gorgeous performance from Morgan. I'm going to give you 8.5 points. Next up we have... I love the fact you haven't given me an envelope because you clearly thought it would take too much time. We've got to be done by 10pm.

Oh, the fuck? Where's the rules? We're not here to inspire, we're here to do things in a timely fashion. We've written yours on a Rubik's cube. But listen folks we are we're in for a real treat here folks because we have a TV singing competition medalist, fresh from coming second on the Mars singer Alex Bigfoot-Brooker please favour us with Is This The Way To Amarillo by Tony Christie. I'm not allowed to say the name am I well I mean if you if you play by Clarkie's rules you can say all

of the words on that bit of paper typically the way we play the game is you're not allowed to say the name no no that's that's kind of how we do it okay Gilweas charged so Ben Clark what's the crime producer Gwyn, you are the way and the light. Give us some truth. When the day is dawning On a lovely Sunday morning I'm sitting round the table Thinking shall I do some tax evasion in my gangsters head I'm a gangster My name's......Sumfinkable You're in love with me, too Suckly little And I like not to pay tax

Am I a nasty bloody gangster? Yeah And you're not getting tax back Because I've invaded it, yeah And my name rhymes with Danone I'm back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, runs with the nose. Oh! Bigfoot himself! Yes! What a joyous... It's really him! This one's beautiful. Mate,

not even an envelope. The guy in the VT's gets the envelope. Not even an envelope The guy the VT's gets the envelope Ben what was the crime? I mean it's I've done for me if you get this What was the crime that big foot was singing about It's tax evasion and it's Jimmy Carr. It's so easy. Easy. Right there. Al Capone.

It was Al Capone. Tax evasion there. How? Incredible. I got that first name there. I mean that was... Charles Capone? Charles Capone.

Charles Capone. Remember him? That was Capone! Remember him? So it was indeed Al Capone getting done for tax evasion. What are we going to give to Bigfoot there? I mean, it was fantastic. He had the whole... I've got to ask though, was it Mary Berry? Was it Mary Berry? I don't recognise that voice.

No, he had the whole room clapping along, which... A little offensive. But... LAUGHTER Guys... LAUGHTER Seriously... LAUGHTER

He was insulted by the envelope. Don't taunt him! LAUGHTER He was insulted by the envelope, don't taunt him! I allowed myself to be triggered just to do well in it. I still can't believe you didn't give me a point. Can't imagine you fare well with triggers. I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna give you nine out of ten there, nine out of ten. Finally Tom Power, I'm gonna open the envelope for you. Thank you. There you go. Equality. Equality. We've gotta hurry this along guys, we've gotta hurry it along.

Carrie, now take, show us the seedy crime written under well that you yourself frequent. The song is Blondies's One Way or Another. Oh mate. You need to go for bulletproof. God. But Morgan, what is Tom singing about? And I'll tell you now, I can tell you now that the crime isn't my mistaken belief

that One Direction did the superior version. DJ Gwyn, give us something to shake our line of booty to. shake our line of booty to. Back then in the 60s we were happy. It was coming, coming, coming home and Barbie. More was happy. They were waving. They'd won a trophy, a trophy. Back then, everyone was singing in the streets. But then where's it gone? Oh, where's it gone? We don't know.

It's under a bush in Crystal Palace. And we're looking for a lovely dog who's got four legs and is not a frog, he will find it soon. Oh! A gorgeous rendition. You really needed more there, didn't you? Can you work it out from the details that Tom gave you? What do you think at the moment? I mean, what Tom didn't do was say all of the words.

That was your mistake, Tom. I know. If only you'd read off that little card I gave you. Morgan would have the answer now. So all I got is it's lost. It's got four legs. Back in the answer now. So all I got is, it's lost. It's got four legs. Back in the 60s. Yeah.

All I'm thinking is lassie. I don't blame you for that. I don't blame you for that. Under a bush in Crystal Palace. Yeah. That's obscure detail actually. It's true. That's an obscure detail actually. Yeah. Oh, it's true. By the way, it's the detail that I got it from.

That's me too. I honestly don't know. I can't even hazard a guess. I can't even stab at it. I don't think that's your fault. Have you got it? We'll throw it over to this team. What's the answer? It's the lost World Cup trophy.

Pickles found it. It was the Jules Rimet trophy getting lost in the 60s and Pickles the dog recovering it. I'm not going to lie to you, an obscure crime. For a Welshman. Yeah, obscure, not even from your land. No, no, it's a story from the unwelsh. Yeah, an unwelsh story. But what are we going to give Parry for that song?

Parry, you're talking yourself out of it. It's a six, isn't it, all day. What? It's a six all day, that is. It's a six. No, wait. Come on. It's a six.

It's a six. I know, I know. It's a five. I know, I know. It's a five. I know, I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. Harry. I'm gonna, you know what? I enjoyed it. Can you factor the ruin as well? No, don't maybe do that. You don't want to go into minus points, mate. I'll give you seven out of 10.

Seven out of 10. That's not your fault. Now the greatest wrongdoing would be moving on without checking the scores so producer Quinn join the crime prevention unit and tell us what they are. The scores are Ben and Alex have 25 and Tom and Morgan have 31 and a half. Oh you know what if only there was a neat link between this round all about crime and the next, we just set in a courtroom. Sadly there isn't so we'll just plow ahead and say it's time for Beef Brothers! Well, if you've got a problem, call in a problem. If you've got a problem, call in a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you. Beef Brothers, sounding like a beef.

Yes, it's Beef Brothers where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and today's one comes from Reese. Reese, are you there? Yes, hello. Hello, Reese. Hello, it's an audio podcast, Reese. He's waving. Hello, Reese.

Reese writes this. My girlfriend Chloe, currently reading this over my shoulder, signed us up to HelloFresh without consulting me. Without consulting me. Oh hang on. Now I am forced to cook what they tell me to. Instead of cooking my delicious tried and tested recipes, and also from him improvising with all the random stuff in the fridge. What a poo head. So Reese, quick question. So we get it that Chloe's here as well. Chloe you're here as well. You signed Reese up

to HelloFresh. Hello Chloe. Hi. Okay I can tell you now. Hello Chloe. Hello. Ben and Alex is on Reece's side. Tom and Morgan, you are on Chloe's side. So there's a- Oh no. Did you hear the atmosphere in the room when we mentioned Hello Fresh? Yeah. Does everyone hear Hello Fresh?

Yeah, shit, bruv. What, what, okay. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, you're okay. What's wrong with Hello Fresh? Give me a cheer if you like Hello Fresh. What? Okay. No, no, no, no, no and Morgan, Ben and Alex you are on Reese's side. Has anyone got any questions for either Reese or Chloe? Any questions? I've got one for Chloe. What were you thinking? Hello, Fresh! Can I defend myself?

You can answer these questions. We had actually previously discussed getting it. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh evidence. Objection, objection. I don't remember that. Go on Chloe, let's let you finish. Also, I am paying for it.

Sorry, he's not paying for it. Oh my God, don't mind it. Why can I question Chloe? She'll tear me to pieces up here. Okay, so he talks about it with Ruth already, and you're paying for the whole of it, so all he's got to do is cook it it and he doesn't even have to do that. We both do that.

You both do that. Can I change? Reese you fucked him. Any other questions for Reese or Chloe? Yep before HelloFresh what are you cooking Reese? That TikTok feta pasta thing at least once a week. What's the... Sorry we're all in on this. that TikTok feta pasta thing at least once a week. What's a...

Sorry, we're all on. We're on the table. What's a feta pasta? Is it like cooking while doing a dance or something? What the fuck? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. You're just doing the Macarola button. It's Macaroni. Macaroni. It's okay. Come on, for fuck's sake, Macaroni. Woo! Like that, at the top of a hat, like that. Unfold your arms, you can. Come on for fuck's sake, macaroni!

Like that, at the top of a hat, like that. Unfold your arms, you can. Talk us through this TikTok, because we've not heard of this TikTok, TikTok Tortellini or whatever it is. What is it called? Well, it's like a baked feta pasta dish. You bake some feta with some tomatoes and some onions and other things.

And you're on her side. Yeah, this is why he cooked. This is why she got HelloFresh. He's chucking some- I've never been swerved before. Yeah. Oh, say, please, say nothing else. You are fucking this for us.

Jesus, man. You absolutely strapped us up here, Reese. Why don't we start by going, I was cooking shit. That I'd seen on TikTok. TikTok. TikTok for his recipes. Fucking hell. TikTok! TikTok. TikTok for his recipes. Fucking hell! This is an amazing...

You 12! You 12! Yes! You're on fucking Snapchat for an omelette! Fucking hell. This... Oh God. Chloe. This is the major cinema. Does it really count as like a switch side? Yeah, bullshit man. Let's get HelloFresh over here man.

I mean we've never done it before but I would happily make both sides of the defence. No wonder you didn't hear her say she was starting up to HelloFresh. You were fucking a bit on tick tomorrow. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that.

I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that.

I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm not going to do that. The one that you... Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. The one that you didn't hear her say she was starting up to Hello Fresh, you were fucking a bit on tick tomorrow. Fucking murder on the dance floor in your ears, and fucking fetter and tomatier. Fucking lip-syncing to Gangnam Style. Or a more modern reference. Fucking lip-syncing to Gangnam Style, man. Wow!

Or a more modern reference. Topical. Charles Darwin. Okay, well, we have to play this out how the game normally plays I'm afraid. Oh no, straight to the vote. Straight to the vote. It's absolutely bust. What's the time? Straight to the vote. Straight to the vote we get another point before the time.

Straight to the vote, up to the bar, fucking hell, put the lights up, let's go, it's done. It's done. it's done. It's done. It's done. Get the lights up. It's cooked, listen, listen, I would go straight to the boat if I'd given Alex the envelope, but crucially, we're running ahead of schedule here, so.

Wow, wow, wow. We have to make up the times. Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. It's true, don't it? Ooh. That's why I don't it?

That's what I don't like, hello, fresh or the sheer package. You can get a fucking box open. That's what, I've got a beef with it. It's not fresh by the time you've opened it. It's a gift box. It's just another box of goodbye stale. It's just another box of good-bye stale. That's it. That's that done. What are we having tonight? Food poisoning. I've got this great Salmonella recipe I found on TikTok.

So obviously I can't make the decision myself. So instead I call up on the live Phoenix audience. If you think... Yes! I can't believe this happened. If you think Reese and therefore, well just, is in the right. I'd like you to applaud now. But if you think- Who even applauded? But if you think that Ben and Alex and Morgan, and we never met him at Fanshawe Stanton, made the best case, I'd like you to applaud now. Yay! Made the best case. I'd like you to applaud now. Fanshawe, any words you'd like to add?

Fresh. Defense restaurant. Well massive thanks to Reese and Chloe. How do you think it went guys? I couldn't have hoped for a better result. And Chloe? I'm very happy. As well you should be, as well you should be. Reese and Chloe everybody. Now. Reese and Chloe. Woo! Applause.

Now it's time for the most frustrating part of the show. Not for Reese, but for everybody else. It's too long for a musical introduction, but not quite long enough for me to take a nap. It's time for the quick fire and jingle! Woo! Woo! really quickly which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction it's a lovely it has a long introduction though the round is really quick What else can I say?

That about explains it There's no point going into more detail It's as simple as that makes Ooh, what a simple concept It's just a long introduction. When the round plays out so quick, I guess what people are expecting is a really quick introduction. Something like the quick fire round.

And then that would be it Ooh, that was really good actually Or maybe something more like this Quick fire round, quick fire round, quick fire round Something like that Ooh, I think I prefer the other one Maybe not something like that. That one would be shit.

But what about something that was more just like BOW BOW IS THE QUICKNESS I don't know if that would be much better too, in fact it's really hard But you're doing a great job To come up with an introduction This long one's going quite well Because the short ones you don't have much room to play with.

Like for example, you could have one that just goes like this. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! But why would that make sense? Look for a round. Now! That makes sense. Bookfire Rounds.

Now! Something like that, I don't know. I think it's harder than it looks. Let's stick to the long introduction and get on with the Quickfire Round. Ooh, that's a good call. With the quick fire round. That's a good call. The lovely short quick fire round.

Starting now. Pyaa! Quick! Woo! Woo! Wow. Woo! Beautiful.

Romano. Yes, this is the quick fire round. First time I've heard that. First time you heard it, you recorded it. What are you talking about? First time you heard it. I didn't listen back. Just sent it. You listening to something

else in your ears as well. Don't mind telling you, it's really tickled me. Oh, it was gorgeous work, we all enjoyed it. Right on my street, that is. Yeah. You really are your sense of humour, aren't you? Right on my alley. Who's not nominating that, Chor? So this is the Quickfire Round, and that's our show. It's all about loft conversion.

I wish I hadn't already done the Mars singer final because I'd have had a song before. Beat that, Danny from McFly. This round is all about loft conversions, so I'm going to ask a series of questions I'd like our panelists to convert them to be slightly higher. One higher to be exact. So if I were to ask the name of George Orwell's novel set in a world of mass surveillance, you would say 1985, which I think is actually scarier. Two writers dystopia, George. Everyone's wearing leg warmers. Stay out of room 102. They're listening to Phil Collins, No Jacket Required.

That's a lovely bit of business. That's actually right up Matthew's alley. Can I tell you guys, that's the first time I've heard that. The jury's out. Matthew's actually that one. Can I tell you guys, that's the first time I've heard that. And, uh... The jury's out. Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout your first names. Ben and Alex, let's hear yours. Ben. Alex. Tom. Morgan.

Beautiful, didn't even have to ask you. That's the kind of get up and go this team's got. Okay, here we go. We're in a rush. Complete from the bar. Complete this lyric by the Commodores and Lionel Richie. You're once, twice... Tom. Four times a lady.

Is correct. What's the number of the beast? Ben. 667. Is correct. What number represents the sexual position in which both partners... Ben.

70. Too fast, too fast. For your parents in the audience, that was too fast. You've never answered a question quicker in front of your mom and dad. That was right there, right there. You said it with a real gruffness in your voice. Really, right there.

Wow, wow. I can only imagine how that makes them feel. Wow. Honestly. I thought my leg or my stuff was bad. Jesus Christ. Can I tell you, that is right up Ben's alley. He loves a 70.

He loves a 70. What song originally recorded by Blondie was bettered by One Direction? What? Alex. Alex. Two Way or Another. It's correct. What's the number? Tom.

Yes! Two Direction. Bonus points. Absolutely right. Let's lose a bonus point. What's the number? Three way or no. That's a bonus point.

That's a bonus point right there. And let me tell you, that is right up Clarky's alley. That is right up Clarky's alley. That's right up ally's alley. That is right up Clarky's alley, I sort of think. That's right up all three of my alleys. What is the number of the UK emergency services? Ten.

One thousand? Is correct. Too quick for you that time. Someone call an ambulance. It's come. What superstitionally unlucky day is the name of a series of horror films featured- Tom. Tom.

Saturday the 13th. Bonus point baby! Too slow. Take another point off Tom. Saturday the 14th I would have accepted though. Let's have a few bingo calls now eyes down for a full house two little ducks quack okay that's a bonus point that is right on my alley 23 is correct all the threes Ben Stairway to heaven. Bang. 78. Sorry, Clarky. It was 68. And finally, legs 11. Morgan shed. 12. Is correct.

That is the end of the rounds. And the end of the game. So before we find out the final scores, Morgan and Alex, have you got anything to plug? Morgan, you're off on tour. Yes, I'm off on tour. This may end my debut tour. Turning thirsty all over the UK. Raising funds to local LGBTQ related charities at each one of them.

And also the British sign language interpreters at all the show as well. If you... Thank you. But don't let that put you off. It's a good night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't wait to come along and drop it. No, so I guess there's no point plugging that on a podcast. If you could tell your deaf mates...

No, I'm going to have... that on the podcast if you could tell your deaf mates and Brooklyn presumably you're off on tour now after no singing no singing for me just last leg in it. Yeah. Actually I thought I was singing on Friday on it. So tune in. Thanks to all of you for watching here tonight. Thanks for you listening at home. As always check out our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flat Share.

Like subscribe rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all your friends. Producer Gwynne, let's hear those final scores. The scores sponsored by HelloFresh are... Oh. Should we call it a draw? It's been a good night, hasn't it? Let's hear those final scores. Oh, I would have taken a draw.

I'll take that one. Okay, this is quite interesting actually. Would you take that one. Oh, no. OK. That's quite interesting, actually. Would you take the draw over here in the scores? I would have. Because you would have won. I don't think so. I mean, I've listened to the other episodes. I never do.

You've listened to them. Well, I skim through. I'll take the draw. Okay, well, it's a draw! Yay! Let's find out what he could have won. There you go. Very, love that.

Love that. It's a draw, but Gwyn, just for the listener at home and us here in the room. And for Crosby's edit, and for the listener at home and us here in the room. And for Crosby's edit. And for the end. What are the scores? The scores are Ben and Alex have 31, Tom and Morgan have 33 and a half. Oh!

You were right to take the draw! It's a draw. It's a draw. So nobody is going up to the loft while all the winners are going down. That's right, we're going to 70 each other backstage. Thanks to our guests Alex Brooker and Morgan Rees. We've been Pappy, see you next time on Flash Slam Down! Pappy's Flash Slam Down featuring Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Fowler

Special guest Morgan Rees and Alex Puker It was advised by Pappy's and Ben Walker Technical expertise was by Grinwies Davis and Emma Corsham It was produced by Emma Corsham Big thanks to the Phoenix Pub To all the wonderful people who came to the direct show And to you at home for listening Pappy's Flat Shares Flandre is the new production for Acast and the Internet

Cheers everyone! Bye! Bye! Wow, wow! There we go! and we'll see you next time. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time.

We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time.

We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. I just don't. Get that phrase out into the world guys. Yeah and tell us where you've got it. Tell us where you've got it out into the world.

Personalised number plate baby. Are you a doctor? Can you fit it into somebody's checkup? I tell you what, that is a rich vein. And speaking of rich veins, just stop it. Tom someone got in touch, a fellow called Peter Baldwin. Peter got in touch to say, because you were talking about servants on a recent house meeting.

Yeah, okay. Okay, I remember that. Weirdly, it's not one of the many messages that people get in touch to say that's not a topic for conversation on a comedy podcast. I've left those, I've direct those directly to spam. I don't know what those guys are running about.

I thought you were, you know, Jerry Seid know. I Jerry signed what was getting in touch. But anyway, but yeah, he's Peter says, I have to mention civil servants. It's so weird. It's so weird. They're still called that. Absolutely. Correct. Peter.

So right. One of the very few, one of the very few modern day servants that's my brother is a civil servant. It's a mad job isn't it? Because it doesn't feel like it quite describes what's happening. I tell you what, I wish my servants were civil. They're revolting aren't they? I wish they'd stop there bloody well. Hey, I'm allowed to insult them, you're not. Yes, civil, part of the civil team, surely a rebrand. Starmer, if you're listening, and you are, when you get in, first things first, stop calling them

servants, they'll do a lot more work. Now, I think first things first, you've got to say, when you get in, Pappy's got a rich range of form. You've got to say that. That should be your number one. That should be your number one policy. What I'm willing to I'm willing to for Starmer to bring back the Eddstone if on the little bit in the little gap underneath it, it says Pappy's on a rich rain of form. Can we get our own Eddstone? Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure it just says that. Are you a stonemason?

If anyone is a stonemason, get in touch guys. Can you call them that anymore? OK, anyway, let's let's go. I don't know. I don't know about that. Don't know about that. Anyway, let's quit while we're ahead. What a lovely episode. May is upon us. Spring will spring and we'll be with you all month.

Join the patron and take care of yourselves. Tom, you've had another absolute shocker there. May is upon us, spring will spring. Oh my God. He was desperately searching for our names, but unfortunately. Who produced this episode? And today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham.

Corsham team! And cheers everyone! Bye!