Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Lucy Porter & Flo & Joan (Retile the bathroom) S14E19

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to retile the bathroom… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square with guests Lucy Porter and duo Flo & JoanWithFlo & Joan - https://www.floandjoan.com/Lucy Porter - https://www.lucyporter.co.uk/Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown. Yes, it is an exciting one as well. The first of the month. We're in, we're off again. Yes, I mean, are you saying that it's exciting in that it's the first episode of the month? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Because I was going to say it's the fourth of the month. What?

Oh, Matthew. Yeah. I'm aware of the date. It's the fourth or as we like to say, two days till Clarky's birthday. That's true. That's true, yeah. Now that's what's really exciting about this episode is we're launching it as a sort of pre-birthday treat for Clarky. Clarky, what have you got planned? Have you got any big plans for your day? Just going to listen to the podcast really.

Great choice. I could probably manage 23 listens. So now if we'd have known that maybe we would have themed it around your birthday. Right. In hindsight, hindsight's a wonderful thing. Yeah, I mean every episode is sort of technically themed loosely around the idea of celebrating the notion

of Clarkie. Yes, right. So I feel like it's very true. I don't I don't feel like we've dropped the ball on this one. I feel like this is and and don't forget guys if you're you know if you're listening to this in and around Clarkie's birthday maybe listening to it way after the fact you're into the the very very very early stages of the pre of well no it's never post it's always as far as I'm concerned it's either Clarky's birthday or pre Clarky's birthday there's no yeah I like that I like that mindset the sixth is his birthday the seventh onwards all the way back grounds to the next sixth it's just the largest pre

isn't it it's just a large grand as grand a pre as you could get absolutely is the group it's the grandest pre. Yes. So if you are, if you're listening to it on Clarky's birthday, don't forget to send him a lovely message. Please do send him a lovely message. Yeah. Do send him a lovely message and also don't forget to send him 50 quid. He'd absolutely adore that.

He'd love that. I do love that. Whack it in the PO box. Actually, if you want to give Clarky a proper present, why not join the Patreon? That's a great way to do it, isn't it? That's nice. That's a nice touch. I would love that, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah. Join the Patreon. Remember, you can sign up for seven days, a seven-day free trial if you love it. You can stick around, and we think you will love it. But go to patreon.com forward slash papisfl flat share and give Clarkie the birthday he deserves. Maybe we should think about a tier that is Clarkie's birthday present that's the tier. The 50 quid tier? The old Clarkie birthday present. The 50 quid tier, the Clarkie's birthday present.

What's the what I mean did do you get to celebrate with the big man himself? You know, you get to send him a card. Oh Lord Jesus. We get to send him a card. Yeah, so actually, this is the thing, the problem I find with a lot of the tiers is that we have to do all of the work once they've signed up.

But if, if actually, if the 50 quid tier gets you a bunch of opportunities to do things yourself. It allows you to send Clarky a card, it allows you to buy him a nice present. This is great. And it allows you to think about him a lot on his birthday. Yeah if you're not part of that tier you can try but you'll never quite think about Clarky. We enjoy some of those perks in real life Crosby. We you know, we employ some of those. Mm-hmm I sometimes think about Clarkie on his birthday, for example, and it's a real treat so I can recommend it I can yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Welcome So get yourself over to

Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share and sign up to the patreon today and make Clarky's birthday go with a smile. Well onto this flat slam, what a treat this was. Three guests! Three guests, yes! Two acts, three guests. I like the way you say what a treat this was, before we started recording you said I have no memory of this episode whatsoever. You cannot give that peek behind the curtain.

That's only for people who've joined. That's all of my what a treat in the first episode of the month. That's only for people who've joined. That's all of my white treat in the first episode of the month. None of that works if I can't remember it. All this is the sort of thing you could get if you joined the 75 quid Paris birthday treat. This is the tier. But yeah, it was good fun. We had Flo and Joan, the brilliant flow and Joe musical comedians

who I ran into the other day. Do you know what they're up to at the moment? Flow and Joan. Yeah, but yes, this is a very they're working on a one man musical about Andrew Lloyd Webber, which I'm very excited. I'm very excited to see because Andrew Lloyd Webber, as we know, has written many, many musicals. How many musicals been written about him? Lloyd Webber, as we know, has written many, many musicals. How many musicals have been written about him? Flip the script! That's what they do. It was Flo and Joan, brilliant Flo and Joan, and Lucy Porter. Fantastic Lucy Porter. We had a great time. Yeah, it was a cracking episode, as I'm sure we can all remember. Let's remind ourselves right now by getting in to this wonderfully memorable Flash S Lundown.

Tom Ben! What is it Matthew? Yeah what is it? Fucking asshole. Please be kind to me. But listen I've got a story to tell you. I had a bit of a rough night last night. Long story short, one of you two needs to retile the bathroom oh

no yeah it was a bad it was a bad time but anyway listen I we do need to retile the bathroom so which one of you is gonna do it well it's not gonna be me oh no why not I had a terrible experience with tiles oh yeah I got involved with a plasticine inventor called Wallace oh yeah he had a dog yeah now we were working up this idea for a special new tile, right? And oh, it was our big project. We worked on it for ages and ages. But then one morning, I came down,

and the file with all of our work in had been eaten by the dog. And then he threw it up everywhere. It was projectile grommeting. Projectile, projectile, projectile grommeting. Projectile grommeting. Well, Clarky, what about you, Clarky? Well, actually, Matthew, I trained to lay tiles. I was actually part of like an exclusive club for people who could lay tiles themselves. And I'd love to tell you more about it actually, but the first two rules of the club dictate that I can't tell you.

That's right, I'm Tyler Durden. Might be the first episode we don't put the sketch on. Well, there's only one way to settle this we're gonna have to have a Flat Shed Slam Down! We're gonna flat share it with our main show. So we're gonna slow it down. Hello and welcome to Flat Shed Slam Down, the panel show that says I so lost back then, but with a little help from my friends, I found the light of the tunnel at the end. Now you're calling me up on the phone,

so you can have a little wine and a moan. It's only because you're feeling alone. At first, when I see you cry, yet makes me tile, yet makes me tile, yeah, it makes me tile At worst, I feel bad for a while But then I just tile, I go ahead and tile I'm the host, the landlord, Matthew Crosby Let's have a meet and grout with Tom Carey and Benedict Clark

Tell you what, it might be the first episode we don't put your song on Nope, don't think that's true. Thought it was alright. But you can't sit out at the bathroom on your own. Who have you dragged over from the retail park this week, Tom? Well, the Jamborees in danger, Matthew. We've had one star reviews from Broadway Baby. Oh no. Yes!

That's a lovely reference. We need a bit of glitz and glamour at the Jamboree so I've hired the most musical pair I know, it's Flo and Joan everybody! Flo and Joan are here! Flo and Joan. Nicola and Rosie of course. Great to have you on the show. Now what kind of people are you to live with? You must have lived together at some stage. We did live together in another country for... Which sounds like a lie right out of the gate. In the Bahamas, we lived together. Are you doing an accent there?

Sorry, yes. I will go back to this one. It was a softness in my voice, not an accent. I wasn't imitating someone else. It was just changing the tone of... Just talk about when we lived together, please. For three months, we actually had to share a bed. Yeah, it was really bad. As adults, when we were in our twenties, yeah.

Because we didn't have lots of money and we were in another country. We didn't have any money. We didn't have lots. If you don't have lots of money money you still don't choose to sleep in a bed with your adult sister. But we were working different shifts. I was working days and you were working nights. So she'd pop back in at about 2am and we'd just tap in and tap out. I'd blow the candle out and I would have left your nightie and your sleeping hat on the pillow. I'd tuck her in. So was the other country the past?

I think it was. Are you Victorian ghosts? I like how guarded they're being about which country it is. Just in case you're in danger of trying to do the accent. What country was it? Canada. Canada. That's a softness at that point. That's a wistful softness, not a Canadian accent, guys, before you get on your high

horses. What were you doing in Canada being porpoise? What took you to Canada? She went out there and then I followed. Again, it still sounds suspicious. She left her nightie at home, so I had to bring it. She'd get so cold in that bed. This is a nice bed. Basically a glamourised hot water bottle.

A ghostly Victorian hot water bottle. Made of porcelain. Which they were. Anyway. But Clarke, who have you brought along with you this week? I have brought the enemy of my enemy, it's Lucy Porter! Lucy Porter is here! So I've got to ask the question, how many months have you spent out of the country? I need to know the answer.

You don't have to know which country it is you're in, but just how many months? I went to a country it was Germany. So what kind of a person are you to live with? I'm delightful. I can imagine you're a delight. I start to finish a treat. I will have a lovely little bed warmer actually. I don't want to don't want to say anything but I'm all flesh. No porcelain, I'm very snuggly. And I will snuggle. I will, anyone I live with gets a snuggle. Gets a snuggle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And are you big spoon or little spoon when it comes to the snuggle? Look at me. Look at the two of us, we'd be the tiniest spoons, wouldn't we? Yeah, yeah. I'm the little spoon at home, I love it. Absolutely love it.

It's nice to be enveloped, isn't it? Well actually you could be my big spoon. What an offer! See girls, that's how you play the game. And then everyone else could be our bigger spoons. We could be like a cutlery drawer. Round one is, do they tessellate? But okay so you think you're a nice person to live with what would your

what would the people you live with say? Would they agree with this? Well I have lived with dozens of people. I'm a prolific flatmate. At the same time? Well, yes. There was one flat where we did have 12 of us. That's a dozen, not dozens, but that was a dozen. And I was used to think, I must be a really great flatmate because I've had so many flatmates. And now I'm like, oh, hang on, no. Yeah, I must be a great employee. I'm fired all the time. They're like, you're so great here. you've got to spread this around a little bit.

That's what all my flatmates said just before they kicked me out. It's been so great living with you Lucy, but we want to share the joy with someone else. We feel selfish. Well Lucy Porter is here everybody, Lucy is here. Lucy Porter. Yay! We have met our guests and they are all beguiling, but let's find out who'll be doing the tiling as we play Round One.

I hired me a tile setter, her name was Grace and she couldn't be better. I left her to it before I knew it. Good news, Grace grouted my tile. She went outside and rolled it up her van. All of a sudden, engine went kablam She said, don't need no car, I can run far Good grief, Grace, she sprinted for miles Listen, Grace, hey

Oh, you tile so good Come on, Grace, hey I'll review you on Checker Trade. I said I would. You tile. I've got piles. And the nation's favorite broadcaster's Adrian Childs. This time, I tile. I have some bets.

Grace saw these polls, because she lost a bet. Also on the list, she wasn't a fist. That's right. Godless Grace had made balls a tile. Oh, my goodness. Beautiful. Very good. That was fantastic. I always thought you did them live when I listened to the podcast.

No, it's much more awkward. So this first round is called Knights on the Tiles. I'm going to give each player the names of five celebrities who've received honors from the monarchy and they have to impersonate these knights and dames but like that book about an orphan called Oliver there's a cheeky little twist. You have to impersonate what they'd sound like if they were drunk. What? Yes you have 90 seconds to get your teammates to guess as many, let's be honest, old white people as they can. We will start with Tom, Tom Parry.

Great. There you go, there you go. Old white people is the only impression I can give. Anymore. The goddamn Woker RTA, ruining his life. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The goddamn Woker RTA ruining your fun. Okay, so there are your five lords, ladies and gentlemen. Full disclosure, I've thrown in a few OBEs and MBEs just to mix it up a shade. Flo and Joan, you have to guess the names of the people who are much, much better than us. Tom, your 90 seconds starts now. Oh, hey, I was the best one at Old Town Hall

and I'm still fucking alive. Yeah, that's right. That's I can tell you, Tom, it's not right. Oh, no, no, Arnie! Ah, Arnie! Dame Judi Dench. No, no, no, let it be, let it be. Let's just start talking about something else.

Did the, you know, Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney! There we go, yes. That was Scottish. Oh, I'm so drunk, I'm going down. The woman from Titanic. I'm back up again. She get knocked down and she back up again.

Yes, that's right. Who's in doubt and happy? Maggie Smith. Maggie Smith, that's right. There we go. I'm so drunk, I'm drunk. I'm drunk, I've been drinking kiyanti. Why are they all starting? Sir Anthony Hopkins. Yes. Oh, I'm drunk. I've been drinking Chianti.

Sir Anthony Hopkins? Yes! I'm so drunk I'm a cunt. You haven't been knighted have you Tom? Boris. Oh dear. Oh no, I'm drinking to forget my own personality. Come on West Ham. I got drunk on the flight back from LA.

I was drinking. That's your time, that's your time. I was probably for the best. Any idea, Tom decided to sort of tell more about your opinion of the person rather than the stuff they've done in their life. But any idea who that could have been, that last impression? Drunk on the flight back from LA and West Ham. What would that be?

Why are you touching me? Sorry. I'm hoping that we'd form one brain. Well, it must be Gordon Ramsay. Oh, I thought you were going to get it. Did you have an idea? No, I thought Gordon Ramsay. Did you really?

Because he said Kirk? No, of course I didn't think Gordon Ramsay. Clarke, any idea? Lucy, any idea? Don't know, but... Terry Venom? It wasn't Terry Venom. Was it Lord Alan Sugar?

I recently just saw Terry Venom. I recently just saw him. Fucking hell. It wasn't. I can tell you now that it was, Tom. I recently did. It wasn't, I can tell you now, but it was Tom. It was James Gordon. Sir James Gordon.

When did that happen? He's gone, I think he's got an MBE. But I would have gone with Carpool Karaoke or something like that. Carpool Karaoke. I'm so drunk I can't get into the carpool karaoke or something like that. Oh yes, that's right. Carpool karaoke. I'm so drunk I can't get into the car for my carpool karaoke rather than on the car. I don't know, now he says it. The clues are all there guys.

So next up we have Lucy Porter. Lucy. I got that immediately. Yeah, but then Tom you were saying it as well. And you had it written in front of you, so of course you would. So next up we have Lucy Porter. Lucy Lytry has an alcoholic drink for her name.

Will that be an advantage? Let's find out. Ben, can you discern the sirs from within the slurs? Your 90 seconds begins now. I burst as well in my flowers, and the flowers got my big glasses on and... Lily Armstrong! Shirley Armstrong!

Oh, I'm taking a rocket and off a flight. Out of a job? Yes. What, traditionally, is voice? He's drunk. Hello. Not traditionally his voice Establish a theme here, I think I've just won a Grammy or something. No, I'm not why am I I a Grammy or something. And I got drunk at a ceremony. Oh, hello from the other side.

Hello. Hello. Um, um, uh, I'm rolling, I'm rolling drunk. I'm rolling in the drunk. That's how I'm doing. Adele, yes. Ah, nice, all right mate. Paul McCartney.

Oh. Oh. Uh, do you want to shake me hand? It's a bit clammy because I'm drunk. Right, I'll give you a handshake. Oh, I've got a soggy bottom because I wet myself because I'm drunk. Oh, and look at my blue eyes. Look at my blue eyes and that, and they and the yellow because I'm drunk.

Sorry, can I just ask, are you drunk? And that is your time I'm afraid. Oh, I'm so sorry, Clocky. Any idea who the last one was? Any idea who the last one was? I'll give you a chance. No, throw it over to this team. You've been scouts, right? I've been scouting too. Any idea the last one was I'll give you a chance no throw over to this team

You've been scouts, right? Gordon Ramsay Silla black it's Paul Hollywood I'm sure you're in the correct answer, but I'm going to give you the points. Nevertheless, okay. So, listen, hey, listen, do not argue amongst yourselves, because a team divided against itself cannot stand, alright? And you're up next anyway, so Flo and Joan, those are yours. You've got five honoured celebs. I tell you what, if this round doesn't at least get us an MBE,

there is no justice in this incredibly unjust system of having a monarchy. Flo and Joan, give us your pissed up peers. Your 90 seconds begins. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. You're fired. Alan Sugar. Yes. I'd love it if he was like that when he was talking.

I bet he is as well. Walk into the toilet. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Walk into the toilet. Burn em, burn em, burn em. It's our time is ticking. Sorry, yes. I'm looking for something I haven't found. Do you know who that is? Have you started?

So they're Canadian? I'm looking for something I haven't found that I'm looking for. I still haven't found it. Steve! Is that the wrong one? Something I haven't found that I'm looking for I still haven't found it Is that the wrong one? No, no, you got the right one Am I right one? And I'm in LA Do you know where he's from?

You go Bono Where is he? Yes Bono Sir Bono There you go I'm gonna go I drank so much

I'm gonna go down under you If you're lucky. Sir, Kylie Minogue. That's the actor. Yeah. Manchester, Manchester, Manchester. I've got a fucking- He's not from Manchester.

I've got a fucking ball. Fucking hell. I mean, oh yeah, oh mate, I'm gonna kick the ball out there and go with me wife. She's bloody, she's wearing clothes my wife So we're looking at someone with a clothed wife Clothed wife! Oh I'm gonna bend her I'm gonna bend her I'm gonna bend her right round bend her right round in her lovely little fashion range

Bend her right round Sir David Beckham Um I'll be That's your time. We've got a fantastic show in there from Nicola and Rosie, a really fantastic show in there. The last two persons were my favourite. That's right. But Tom, I'm a man of honour. Do you want to take a guess at the last one?

Sir Gordon Ramsay. Sir Gordon Ramsay, have you heard? No, it wasn't. I can throw it to the other team. Any idea? Can we hear a guess? Just give it a go. Just give us one more little bit. Sir Squeaky Door? It wasn't Sir Squeaky Door. It was of course Angela Lansbury. I've given it in the audience, got it well done guys.

If you got that one at home. Where does she at? And finally our own white knight Ben Clark. Lucy, which well lubricated knobs is Ben pretending to be? 90 seconds starts now. My name. Sir Michael Caine. Masterfully done.

Norman Collier. It's a squeaky door, is that you? Sir Andrew Lansbury again? Stop me up at another drink! It's good, it's good! It's not bad! It doesn't feel good, but it is good! Black tequila never felt so good! Black tequila... Johnny Depp.

No. Keith Richards. Bill Wyman. Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger. Oh. Mick Jagger. Frank Spencer. Michael Crawford.

All your impressions of Michael Crawford. That's what all impressions are. Oh, I'm a god. Frank Spencer, Michael Crawford. All your impressions of Michael Crawford. That's what all impressions are. Oh, I'm so drunk. I can barely hold all the Oscars I think I've won. No, no, but it's not a million miles away. Olivia Colman. Oh, I.

Kate Winslet. Oh, come here, Kenneth Branagh. Oh, Emma, I, I. Kate Winslet. Oh, come here Kenneth Branagh. Oh, it's Emma Thompson, Emma Thompson, Emma Thompson. Yes. Yeah. Uh. Come here, Kenneth Branagh. Aunt Kenneth.

Oh. That's just time. After how long? Ah! Ah! It's Tom Jones' draw. Already someone's getting Tom Jones in the end, which is not a bad guess by the way. Can we hear it one more time?

Oh. Yeah. Okay. It did sound Welsh. It did sound Welsh. It did sound Welsh. Any idea who it was? Let's see.

Well, so I'm going between Charlotte Church and Michael Sheen. Michael Sheen. It's neither, I'm afraid. You can throw it over to this team here. Tom, Rosie, Nicola. Can we hear it twice, please? Yeah, just two more of those, please. In quick succession. Oh!

It's actually good, man. I think it's good. OK, I'll tell you now, it's not Welsh. Any idea who it is, where it's from, any idea at all? Is it Sean Connery? It's not Sean Connery. Can we have more guesses? I can sort my friends. Okay, it is a co- We're friends.

I'm so sorry for you. Sorry. I don't sorry for you. Sorry. Yeah. I don't know anyone else. It's true, we have named them all. We've listed all people, yeah. If not Gordon Ramsay, I can tell you. Nicola? You're doing your own impression again.

Terry Wogan? It's not Terry. Um, Terry Wogan? It's not Terry. You think that's close? I thought that was a bloody good guess. It was a good guess. It was actually Bob Geldof. It was Sir Bob Geldof. Let's hear it again. I think you all just did it. Oh. It's not bad. Not a bad Geldof.

It's him getting up from a chair. It's him on a Monday, I think. Oh. awesome. So at the end of that round, Producer Emma, tell us the scores in the style of a pissed up Dame Maggie Thatcher. Well, let's close the minds.

And then read the things. Let's have the milk from the kids. Ben and Lucy have five. Tom and Flo and Joan, eight. Oh! So Tom, Flo and Joan are in the lead but Ben and Lucy are far from drawing in the tile. There's still everything to play for.

We'll return in part two. See you in a bit! Welcome back to Clash of Slamdowns! in the tile there's still everything to play for we will return in part two see you in a bit welcome back to the match yes slam down thank the lord before the break tom and flo and jone were in the lead the scores haven't moved and neither has my need for a retiled bathroom you know i i tried oh yeah yeah i tried to get a professional in oh yeah professional I tried to get a professional in yeah professional in to do the tiling from a company called Harry's tiles honestly he took one look at it and he told me to leave it as it was He can write a tune that boy, he can write a tune. Anyway, enough pop frivolity, it's time for the watermelon sugar high you can only get

for round two. It's flat games! Let's play together, games! Let's play forever, roll the dice, spin that thing, put that there, lose your toe, games! If you lose you get nothing, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue,

you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your tongue, you lose your Let's play forever Roll the dice, spin that thing Put that there Do as you're told Games If you lose you get nothing Games If you win you get Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold,

gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold we'll ever see. I tell you what I've realized as we've been doing these shows, I've got no idea of the words to that song. We've been doing this for 12 years, we've not changed the jingles at all. 12 years, they've listened to the same song. And I do, do as you tell, no that bit.

Just, don't do any of it. Don't do any of it. Anyway, this week we're playing our version of Bullseye. Which we're finally, finally we're doing Bullseye, your favorite game, which we're calling Billseye. I'm gonna give each of our players, I'm gonna ask them to sing about a famous Bill to the tune of a classic song from the darts.

Now we're talking. How do the games just keep getting better? Now we're talking. It's mad, isn't it? We're 13 years in and it's mad. Absolutely mad. I think Bill's oil goes straight to Ceres. Not with us hosting. go straight to series. Not with us hosting. So anyway your teammate has to guess the famous bill I'm gonna award a point for a one point for a correct

guess and up to ten points for performance I really want to feel like I am four pints deep at Alley Pally dressed as one of the Power Rangers. That's what I need from this round guys, okay? Harry's actually come as a minion. And Matt Koschka's both a minion and grew. How does he manage to do that? Anyway, Clarky, we're starting with you. Oh dear. Your song is Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis, aka the Thiccos National Anthem. I said, yeah, too early there, didn't I? I was like, brilliant that hour.

Oh, Tom. Tom, I'm also a Thiccos, don't worry about it. You're amongst friends here. Okay, so, but Lucy, what bill is Clarky singing about? And Clarky, you've got plenty of thinking time on this song, I'll say that much. DJ Emma, let's hear that tune. ["Tonight's Got Me"]

That's it, Clarky. Shouldn't stand up too early, should they? Yeah. A bit of pacing around, come on. He loves the dance. He stood up. Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah, you must be clever with glasses like that, yes and oh yeah well. Well you started in a garage and then you made a nice company, oh yeah baby. Oh yes you did and I like you and those they're very nice. And you clean them, I clean them like your glasses all at night! Oh babe! Oh I'm knackered out!

I should have stood up and done that all for the hell of it! Bring here, bring your money over here! Let me roll in it! Just for the hell of it. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da So first of all Lucy Porter I've got to ask you do you know what famous bill Ben Clark was singing about? I very much do. Okay put us out of our misery. Okay it is inoculating, brain controlling, microchipping, it's speaking into my brain

now it's Bill Gates. It's Bill Gates. 5G points. No. But what are we going to give Clarky for that performance? Well, I tell you what. You certainly won the Thickos over in the room. I'm going to give you 8 out of 10. Oh!

Next up, it's Flo and Joan. Now you've got Planet Funk's chantable dance hit, Chase the Sun. It's a banger. It's a stone cold classic. If you don't know it from the title, you'll know it. You'll know it.

There'll be a second, three seconds you go, oh this one, yeah one yeah. So Tom you're getting the bill we hope. DJ Emma put us in a spin. Rosie doesn't know any more famous people so this is going to be interesting. I like this one. I got a really weird bit and I like to write stuff. Um, I like everyone that I met including Romeo and Juliet.

I'm very specific about all the... What? She fucked me over. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I Are you alright? Erm... Ow! And I write with the quill! How long is it? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. It's sad now. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay. Well, it's sad now, it's one of the tragedies. It's a tragedy. That was amazing.

Woo! Rosie and Nicola there. That happened, all happened so far. It did. Yeah. Not if you're watching it, but. But it was genuinely something. I mean. The worst thing about this is our career is musical comedy. But it was genuinely something.

I mean... The worst thing about this is our career is musical comedy. But I will say that that is a bigger performance than we've ever given in our entire life. That was a biggie from Flo and Joe. So you need to mark on performance relative to what we normally do. I did also rhyme that we met with Juliet, which is a lovely little rhyme in there. I would say yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm not even giving you points. Yes, just just chill out. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. You're gonna get you're gonna get your points but first Tom

You're gonna get at least a point each so and so Tom have a problem with that So, Tom, have you... My problem with that. Oh, wow! Don't you throw us under the bus. Tom, you're on. I think Nicola was making sense, but it was so high that I couldn't understand it. But the dogs outside have got the right answer, I prove. And then Rosie, I could hear, but I didn't understand it.

Which is a common problem for us, I would say. Can you, has it a guess as to which famous Bill it was? I mean I think it's going to have to be with Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, yeah. I think it's got to be... Yeah, absolutely, Bill Cartwright, yeah. It's got to be William Shakespeare. It's William Shakespeare, of course it is! Now I really enjoyed that, I enjoyed the two very different pitches. It was like performance art, wasn't it? Yeah, it was something all right.

Were you doing like roaming couplets? Was it iambic pentameter? Thank you. I love that, I love that straight away and I think the audience picked up on that. It's a shame your flesh and blood didn't. I have an English degree and one of my years was Shakespeare. Not a bit of that went into my old little nugget. What a chance. One of the most boring men I've ever met to be honest. Why did you not sing that? Guys, playing again? No, let's not. So, what am I going to give you for performance?

Well, I think for the iambic pentameter joker, I'm going to give it 9 out of 10. Can I just say, what the actual fuck? Lucy's turn now. Is this a Chelsea dagger that I see before me? Oh. Clarky. Clarky, of course you're getting a bonus point for that. Of course you are. Of course you are. The Montagues and Fratelliettes.

Okay. Tom. Do not abuse. Do not abuse. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom.

Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tomiettes. Okay. Tom. Do not abuse the power of the Chelsea dagger, alright?

It's Lucy Porter's turn now. You have Go West. By the village people, all the pet shop boys are love and both. But Ben, you have to guess the bill. This is hard. Okay. Tricky one, is it? By the village people, all the pet shop boys, I love them both. But Ben, you have to guess the bill. This is hard, okay. Tricky one, is it? No, I believe so.

I tell you what, if... Try getting Shakespeare. Yeah. No one's heard of it. If I can give you one piece of advice based on the two previous players, just try to not lose your head. It's never as bad as you think it's going. How fair that is, love.

Just plough on and slap on a smile, you know. We've all been in the biz long enough. Way too long, way too long. Okay DJ Emma, give us a tremor. I'm a doctor who brilliant I am not with my old ex He really is not someone who you'd want to have sex with Together, me and my ex-husband Together, he's an absolute prick Together, now I'm probably with someone better Together, god he's such a prick

Go west, get away from your ex. Go west. He's really a prick. Go west. You've got a brilliant acting and singing career. Go west. Do some songs to go west. Can't remember the song, go west. It was in the early 2000s, go west. Oh. Woo. Fantastic. I love that.

I remember the name of the song. Go on, then. It's My Husband's a Prick. That's it? No, it's not. That's it. It was because we wanted to. Very impressive. OK's it? No, it's not. That's it. It was because we wanted to.

Very impressive. Okay, Clarke, have you got any idea which famous Bill that is? Yes, I do. That was fantastic. I think you're being kind. Bill Nye? No.

Billy Piper! It was Billy Piper! Yay! It was Billy Piper! I thought it was James Corden's ex-girlfriend. Wow, okay. It was of course Billy Piper, but what am I going to give? I mean, that was a fantastic...

And the message was so strong. I'm going to give you nine and a half out of ten! Two times, two times. Beautiful. Finally, Tom, it's your turn to give us a bit of bully. You're singing the theme from Bullseye. By the way, Tom, Tom, you of course know how a bit of bully

is different from an egg, right? You can be an egg, but you can't be a bit of bully. Lovely, lovely stuff. But Flo and Joan... Guys, what's the problem? Is it 2024 or something? I'm having trouble getting on board with the bullseye material. Flo and Joan, what famous bill is Tom on about? DJ Ever, let us saw Light Those Arrows. Here we go. Two pairs of lovely shoes are plodding down the road. We have just solved some crimes, I suppose. All the guests were getting drunk all of the time But we watched it every night when we were about nine Oh! It's Lila and Dan Luthenic

DCI Burnside was the best, he was in CD-I Oh my God! And when I think of their faces they feel like they're family members to me. Oh, anyway, I'll let you go now. Two pairs of shoes, walking down the road, lovely stuff. I miss my mom! There we go, guys. The tiniest point of order, I think it was CID he was in. CDIs of course, Liam Gallagher's band. But that was a fantastic, that was fantastic.

I'm going to withhold for a second the points, but you're going to score highly. I can tell you that now. You can relax mate, you did very well there. Flo and Joan, I think that was the best song I've ever heard. Me too. Can we have that run? I'll be exceding with it. Yeah, it was poignant at the end.

It really was. There's not a dry eye in the house after that. Not a dry eye in the neck. I miss my mum is also how we end all of our songs. We don't sing it out loud but I do think it. It's nice to hear someone be brave enough to say it out loud. The vein in the side of his head really popped. And you were squeezing that microphone so tight.

You've like dented a phone microphone there. You have this finger marks in it. I miss my mum. So Flo and Joan, what do you think Tom was singing about? What famous bill was Tom singing about? Do you know? No I don't. I have absolutely no idea. So for me that was just your subconscious coming out and having a go. Do you know? I think so, yeah.

Yeah, go for it. I have no idea. It's the bill. It is the bill, of course! That was the third year of your degree, wasn't it? But what are we going to give Tom? What are we going to give Tom for that poignant, nigh on heartbreaking rendition of the theme from Bullseye? I'm going to give you ten out of ten though, Tom.

Ten out of ten for Tom Perry. Yeah! Yes, Tom. Fair play. So, at the end of that round, she's from Wolverhampton. North of here. At the end of that round, producer Emma, give us the scores to a bit of Chase the Sun, please, if you would.

Okay. Oh, fuck. Please if you would okay Sorry what finding everything very emotional. That moved me. That really did move you, yeah. It was the endeavour of it. No, the endeavour was morse, wasn't it? As we all know, a night at the darts is often followed by a day in court.

So let's head there now, it's Beef Brothers! Whoa! If you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem, call in a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you. Beef Brothers sorting out your beef. Yes, indeed, it's Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-share-based beef. And today's one comes from James, who is in the audience. Hello.

Now, James writes, my downstairs neighbor brackets Gregg's the bakery. Ask for a key to a room I'm using as storage for some of my stuff, bike and things, so they can expand their fridge space. I told them I didn't have it in the hope of keeping the space for as long as possible. Also, they cluttered the courtyard with a huge bin so I don't want to give them more expansion space. Okay, all right. Now, James, I can tell you now,

Tom and Flo and Joan are on your side. No! No. I'm sorry, Tom, you're still on a team with Flo and Joe. Before we started recording this, Lucy said, this isn't fair, you've got more people. Ben and Lucy, you are on the side of, I guess, Greg's the bakery. As always, yes. So, uh... But before all of this, let's have a little cross-examination.

James, obviously, is here in the audience. Any questions you would like to ask from either side here of James, our audience member? Who owns the space? The landlord, I guess, is Greg the landlord? Not Greg. No, it's not. No, there's like a landlord that they lease from, I think. Yeah.

Sounds murky. Sounds murky. And when you say, sorry, when you say your space, so you've said bikes and things. Yeah. I need things. I need to know. Saws, carpentry stuff. You went right to saws.

I just need a place to store my bikes and my sores. Tents and stuff like that. Shovels. Lime powder. Duct tape. Okay, we're getting a picture of you James, great. Do you eat in the Greggs? Yeah, I do.

You're only bloody human though aren't you? Have they ever given you complimentary... No, never complimentary stuff. So there's no rapport with the... No, no, no. Even when you go in with a saw? No, no, no. Do they know that you're... do the people in Greggs know that you're the neighbour?

Like the upstairs neighbour? Yeah, they came up and asked me for the key. Oh yes. Because you've got a report with them? Yeah, yeah. Are you at a stage where you walk in and they go, the usual? Yeah, yeah, no.

Slide a steak bake down the counter. I'd love that. Yeah. I'd love that. Imagine having a usual in Greggs. Amazing. Imagine. Any other questions for James? Have you relented? Relented?

Basically Easter's coming up and you've got to give something up. That's the way it works. I haven't admitted to having the key yet. So you haven't showed them the key? You're keeping the key under wraps? As long as I can, yeah. Do you have the key? Under pastry, if you will. I fully just pulled all the muscles in my arm.

So you have got the key? Yeah. Have you got secret? What the hell? If you don't let them use that space, will it affect the business, do you think? Could you jeopardise the operation? It's a leading question. I don't think Greg's is going to go under if he doesn't get one key. I'm going to check him. It's important to check these things, of course.

I've got more questions about Greg's business model. Okay. Are they franchisees? So is this a small business owner who has franchised the Greg's name or is Greg's Corporation? Is Greg here tonight? Does anybody? Anyone here tonight have you either worked for or currently works for Greg's? I mean, it's it's a possibility It's a small possibility. My friends dad invented the sausage and bean melt. Here we go

Here we go. Here we go. Isn't that odd? We're talking. Wowee. Yeah. But I'll accept no more further questions. Okay. Fair enough.

Absolutely right. He didn't get where he is today by giving it away to everyone. Anyone know the answer to whether or not Greg's is a franchise? It's a typical bit of crowd work. You'll see it all over TikTok, guys. Everybody's doing it. franchise it's a typical bit of crowd work you'll see it all over TikTok guys everybody's doing it the person who came up and asked wasn't like a manager person they were dressed in the regular Greg's apron and stuff

well do you think it was just like a regular employee trying to take initiative? yeah ahhhh Do you think it was just like a regular employee trying to take initiative? Yeah. Ahhhh. So it wasn't a request from head office? No, no, no. Just someone from... How did everyone realise something then? The man back there.

Why, that's the very cornerstone of this case. They've synced. The smoking pasty. They've synced! The smoking pasty! Okay, well hopefully that's enough information to make your cases. So I'm going to call upon Flo and Joan. You've got one minute to begin the case for the prosecution. Remember, you are on James' side. Your minute begins now.

When you have just opened a business in Leicester Square, you cannot look a person, a human in the eye, and tell them that they need cupboard space for an extra fridge. I don't, your turn. Oh. Oh. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. The old legal trick of I don't, your turn. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Do we know it's in Leicester Square? This is. When was that mentioned? Well, this one isn't, but. Do we know it's in Leicester Square? When was that mentioned? Well, this one isn't, but as in they own a spot in Leicester Square. And if you've got a big old Greg's in Leicester Square, you can't come to me and tell me that you need a fridge space in a cupboard. You're objecting to your own defence there. Yeah, one second. I disagree with you.

We have. For once in your life, please be on my side. It is so unprofessional. She's written that down. Is that about the last round? That's a self review of our performance tonight. And in 3, 2, 1, our time is running out. Has it gone? It has gone.

Fantastic summation there from Rosie. A lovely impression of Angela Landry. It was like she was here with us. That was the extended impression. Be our guest. So, you have now, Lucy Porter, you now have a minute to begin the case. Any of the points they made, any of the strong points they made, feel free to, feel free to rebut away.

You've got a minute starting now. Okay, so James, James, James, if that's even your name. Selfishly, you want to preserve your tortured dungeon with your swords and that because plucky little underdog Greg's who have mustered all their resources and I said mustard advisedly there because that is one of their ingredients. They have managed to open a shop in Leicester Square, the dream of Greg his whole life. I just want to say I miss my mom he used to sing to the theme of bullseye and he finally gets his dream and James comes along and goes no mad bag is not important I think it's every British person's right to eat

the baked bean and whatever shit thing it was. That was the original name. That is our God-given right as British citizens and James you're standing the way of progress, you're standing in the way of pasties and that, my lids and leds, is a crime we cannot countenance. I rest my beans. Yes. Very strong cases there. Very strong cases from both sides.

Now James, how do you think it's going so far? Oh, it's a bit of a rollover. Oh, nice. He knows the product range. He's got a usual. So, Tom, you're up next. Yes. Concluding the case for the prosecution. Yes.

I've got to ask you, are you doing this as yourself? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of a deep south defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Oh, aye. Mr. Fanshawe Stanton. Fanshawe Stanton, presiding and providing your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I recognize some of you there from the village there,

queuing up to the bakery. John's bakery. John that we all know, don't trust him, but we know him. Them there lawyers there from the big city with their fancy words now must start. New start. Round here we clean shaven. Now you listen. Objection. I say and. Now you listen. Objection.

I'll say it and I really mean that. Y'all probably now remember the story, I don't think I need to remind you, of Timothy Tam. Timothy Tam the Egg Man. Well every Wednesday, he'd shine you an egg. An egg so shiny you wouldn't want to poach it. Boiling eggs.

Them shiny eggs for boiling. Shine them so good, 20 seconds, they'd be fresh. How would they be after 40 seconds? Now y'all remember the day Alan Arm rolled into town. Alan Arm rolled into town and opened up his egg farm. Alan Arm's egg farm? Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Couldn't compete with Ellen Arm's egg farm. He had all the charm. God damn.

And this is a story all about eggs. Right, Dr. Victor? Roughest eggs I ever did boil. The defense rests your arm. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Well all that remains is Ben Clark to conclude the case for the defense. Ben, you have a minute. Should you need it? To the tune of Chelsea Dines. Here we go. Well here we are guys. You know, these massive corporations, they get a bad rep. I mean you know, are they bringing about the end of society? Yes. I'm not. But on the other hand, sausage rolls. I mean, do they pay their CEOs massive dividends while not filtering any money back into the

bottom end of the business or into the products themselves? Yes. But sausage roll. And we all know what James is up to. Sitting in his little room with his bike and his soles. When they come and open the door, what's he gonna be doing? Riding his little bike with a mask on. I wanna play again. I rest. Ben Clark, any money? Oh, surely. Now, obviously, I cannot make the decision myself, as I would love for Greg's to be a sponsor.

So if you think that James and therefore Flo and Joan and Fanshawe are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. Well you can just like, you can like email it to us later. Wow, okay. So if you think then that Greg's and therefore Lucy and Ben made the best case, please applaud now. Sausage rolls guys. Sausage rolls.

Sausage rolls. A big thanks to James. How do you, how do you feel about the result, James? I guess I've got to get hold of Mr. Greggs and invite him to the cupboard. He's in Leicester Square. Yeah, I'll invite him down to the cupboard. And yeah, and saw his little legs off. So James, everybody. James, everyone.

I actually don't agree. I do think you should keep your room. I think we all do. Why weren't you cheering for us? Yeah, I was surprised by that result, but you know. Oh wait, were you on his side? I kept on trying to say he's got saddle sores, but no one would let me talk. I tell you what, if you do it clean, the audience can just say nothing. We'll fix it in the edit.

We'll fix it in the edit, go on, yeah. I bet he's saddlesaw. Oh, a little too much there, guys. Bring it down. Do it one more time. I really think he's saddlesaw, actually. Alright, guys, you're fucking up. The problem with Tom, you're just too good. We'll fix it. We'll fix it in post.

Very rare we have to remove the laughs. Now it's time for a song that goes on longer than the Chanty bit in Chelsea Dagger, it's the Quick Fire Round Jingle! that goes real quick and it's always so amusing to like life it's here and then it's gone but not it's introduction no no that's not true of this introduction Which is really quite long Oh yeah It's as long and as long as a summer's day Summer When the sun comes up bright and early

And you think I'm taking a walk today Ooh, just a little stroll To the top of that mountain and I'm gonna go alone so you have your breakfast and you get out on the trail heading up that mountain all alone. Bye bye, boy. Sun high in the sky. Brewski in your hand. This is the quick fire land. Quick fire land.

You look out from the top of the mountain. You see your eyes there before you. You start wishing you hadn't lost contact with your daughter. Start thinking about the fact you got no friends. You dig a hole and you go round the bend This is the quick fire round This is the quick fire round And the introduction is long like that that anyway where am I lost my train back there how about we just crack on and get on with it like you do on a winter's day when you wake up and think hell yeah, you're gonna sled up that mountain up there. You sled up it. So you grab your sled, and you start to sled up the mountain. You find out you're going the wrong way Just like your wife went the wrong way

Ooh, she fled out the door Back in 86 Anyway, it's long like that Well, like in life, it's time to crack on with it Here it is. Here it is. We're serving it up like. Serving it up like she served my papers.

Back in 88. Here it is. Back in 88, beauty. Quickfire round. The quickfire round. The quickfire round. I quit fire and come back to me. I quit fire my mom. Yes this is the quickfire round and as our show is all about tiles I'm going to ask you to tile your answer to another answer alongside it.

So if I asked you for example the name of the actor who played Boromir in Lord of the Rings you wouldn't simply say Sean Bean you'd say Sean Beanbag or Sean Beanie Baby or Sean Bean Around the World in I I I I Can't Find My Baby instead of buzzers I'd like you to shout out your first names Ben and Lucy. Let's hear yours Ben Lucy Tom and Flo and Joan Tom Rosie Nicola off we go You've got to change your double act Off we go who presents the radio to break for show Zoe ball bag That is how we play that's how we play which song by Sir Mix-A-Lot features the lyric I like big butts and I cannot lie?

Ben. Ben. Baby Got Backstreet Boys. Is correct. Which singer and sir was born Reginald Dwight? Lucy. Lucy. Elton Johnny Come Lately. was the what was the title of the last James Bond film Tom Tom doctor no sex for you tonight You're 50% right. Lucy! Oh sorry, no time to sex with you tonight. Is correct. Who traditionally leaves presents in a stocking on December 24th?

Tom. Tom. Santa Claus you can. Claus you can have sex tonight. Of course you can have sex tonight. Name the actor, musician and twat that leaves the reclaimed party and was once married to Billy Piper. Lucy. Lawrence Fox's Gladioments. Oh beautiful, yeah.

I wouldn't pop them in my mouth. Which classic song recorded by Elvis, Billie Holiday and the Marcells features the lyric You saw me standing alone without a dream in my heart? Rosie. Rosie. Rosie? Rosie. Rosie.

Rosie, that's you. Blue moon... It... Have... I have sex tonight. That's how we play. Is correct. Name the comedic musical double act whose tours include a live on stage and sweet release.

Ben. Ben. Flowing Joan Armatrading. Is correct, yes. Shout out to Joan. Sports now, in which footballer has been popularized in meme culture for appearing in full kit celebrating matches in which he did not play? Tom. Tom.

John Terry ain't having no sex tonight. Thank you fanshawe. Which Feline character in Alice in Wonderland was known for their grin? Nicola. Nicola. Cheshire cat Slater. Oh, beautiful, yes indeed.

Name Ed Sheeran's... You're not my cat. Yes I am! Name Ed Sheeran's ode to a young lady from the west coast of Ireland. Tom. Tom. Irish girl. Irish girl.

Clarky. Galway Girls Aloud. Is correct, yes. Name the English comedian born in Croydon who is about to embark upon a tour entitled No Regrets. Lucy Porter, House Blues. Oh lovely. Name the actor famous for appearing in the Fast and Furious franchise, XXX and the Chronicles of Riddick. Tom.

Tom. Vin Diesel Petrol in this car tonight, please. So I can have sex in it. Is correct. That's the end of the round and the end of the game. So before we find out the final scores, Lucy, anything to plug? No. Nothing at all.

OK, fair enough. Don't want to plug the No. Nothing at all? Okay, fair enough. Don't want to plug the tour? I will be singing the songs of the village people now. You're very good at it. I'm really not, but I'm going to do it anyway. Give the village people what they want, that's what I say. And Flo and Joan, what about you? Where can people find you? Where can people see you? We've got one gig booked in, but it depends when this podcast comes out. I think this goes out in June. Well no. We might be in Edinburgh. That'll be good. We might be in Edinburgh. Oh fantastic. I might be in Edinburgh too. Oh there you go. I'll see you then. I'll meet you at Greg's. Thank you to all of you here

tonight for watching. As always check out our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share. Like, subscribe, rate, and review our podcast, or recommend the podcast to all your friends. So, producer Emma, let's hear the final scores. Okay. Ben and Lucy have 32 and a half. Tom, Flo, and Joan have 36. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Unbelievable. How did they do that? and Joan have 36. Oh, unbelievable. How did they do that? So Ben and Lucy are retiring the bathroom, while Tom, Floor and Joan are retiring to my bedroom. How? How?

How? How? How? How? How? How? How? Thanks to our best friend, Lucy Porter, and Joan.

We've been happy. See you next time on Flash S Slamdown! Pappies Flash S Slamdown featuring Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark, Anton Parry, the special guests Lauren Jones and Lucy Porter. It was devised by Pappies and Ben Walker. Technical expertise was by Emma Corsham, Gwynn Rees-Davies and Sammy Braff. It was produced by Emma Corsham. Big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix! To all the wonderful folks who came to tonight's show! And to you at home for listening, Fappy's Flashier Standout is a 6 minute production for Acast and the Internet.

I really miss my mom. I really miss my mom. This one's for you, mom! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Thank you, everybody! There you go. Oh, it's all coming back to you now right? Oh that merry blur has finally been defined into firm memories of classic goodness. Very good, very good. Lovely way to start the month and boy oh boy that countdown to Clarky's birthday is now firmly underway. Would you say, what is it, firm memories

of classic goodness? Do you think that we are currently riding the wave machine of a rich vein of form into firm memories of classic goodness? Wow. Yeah that sounds about right actually. I think we're riding the wave machine of a rich vein of form into firm memories of classic goodness. Wow. Yeah that sounds about right actually. I think we're writing the wave machine of a rich vein of form into firm memories of classic goodness. Well I mean I think this but maybe the listener thinks it as well if you'd like to obviously pop that onto social media or even in a review if you want to review us and give us five stars and pop that as a review. If you want to give us five stars in the guard. Yeah. If Logan's listening, if, if good old Brian log bollocks is

listening, then you absolutely give us a five star review for for this podcast. We'd love that. But you the the the the humble non scribes can do the same thing by going on to wherever you review your podcasts and giving us five stars and telling us you know not I don't want to put words into your mouth but you must agree with the fact that we are riding the wave machine of a rich vein of form into solid whatever the thing was I said everyone skip back about 30 seconds and you'll find it and yeah so get on board and do that today

and also join the patreon as well we'd love to see you there. Absolutely. Happy birthday, Clarky. Happy birthday, Clarky! Thanks guys. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team! Cheers everyone, bye!