Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Suzi Ruffell & John Robins (Change the Locks) S11E14

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to change the locks… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a Flatshare Slamdown!With John Robins and Suzi RuffellSuzi Ruffell - https://twitter.com/suziruffellJohn Robins - https://twitter.com/nomadicreveryDon't forget: on April 20th at 8pm GMT we are holding an online Flatshare Slamdown with guests Evelyn Mock (Rice to Meet You podcast) and Tony Law (The Tone Zone). Tickets are £5 (free for NHS) and are available here - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-w-evelyn-mok-and-tony-law-tickets-148215682095Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom. A pop in that book. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters, December 15th. Greetings, Mr. Deer. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and welcome to another episode of Pappies Flat Share Slam Down. Hooray! Oh, the flag ship, the ship with the flag on it of our podcasting output.

Absolutely. It's been, it was wedged in a canal, but now it's been dislodged and is sailing directly into your ear canal. Absolutely. From the Suez Canal to your ear canal. Absolutely. From the Suez Canal to your ear canal with nothing in between. Absolutely right. And that's a reference actually that's going to get a lot of mileage coming up in the episode.

And what an episode it was! We had two of our great mates there to help us make it. Susie Ruffle and John Robbins. Oh, hi! Hey! Look, hi! I don't think you should and John Robbins. Oh, hey! Hey! I don't think you should be doing Robbins' catchphrase. He gets a little, he's very possessive about his catchphrase of, oh, hey!

I mean, he got it when Jerry Lewis died. He was here in Harry Hoppen. That's how catchphrase is work, is it? That's what happens, yeah. We just fingers crossed for Kay and then we get Garlet bread. If you enjoy this podcast and you would like to hear more of us naturally in a way, then please go to the Patreon and join today. Patreon.com, four slash Pappy's flat share, you can get,

you can get our flat share lockdowns, which are a lot of fun. We put one out on the main feed. If you haven't listened to that already, go back on the main feed and listen to it. A lot of fun. And the next flat share slam down, we should talk about over Zoom, is happening on April 20th. So tickets are available now.

Oh yeah, and you get a pound off if you're a Patreon member. So it's a good time to hop on board. You certainly do. Go to eventbrights.co.uk for tickets, the show features Tony Law and Evelyn Mock and yeah, it's going to be a good one. That's going to be an absolute treat. Yeah, hub-along join us for a lockdown and on Patreon and join us for a slam down on YouTube. Otherwise, enjoy this episode and we'll see you on the

other side. TORM BAN! What is it, Mathieu? Yeah, what a crazy old master. Guys, listen, one of you two has got to change the locks. Oh, mate, it's not going to be me. No. Last time I tried to change the locks, I ended up sinking a barge. Oh, Clarky, what about you? Where'd stuff wait down?

What about you, I said, Topical, straight from today's papers. Oh, great. What about you, Parry? Clarky, you've had a good couple of goes at getting a Sui's Canal tweet away, haven't you? I've been trying to crack those gifts on Twitter. I've seen a few of them now. You've seen them still. You've funnily enough, Tom. You haven't liked the retweeted any of them though.

That's so strange. Well look, it's not going to be me, Matthew, because I don't know why, but I'm not going to be changing the keys or the locks. OK, Tom, always great when you've done a little bit of prep before the show. Well there's only one word to settle this, we're going to have to have a... Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down!

Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Flasheslam down! Hello and welcome to Flasheslam down! The panel show that says, in my imagination there is no complication, I dream about you all the time, In my mind a celebration, the sweetest of sensation,

Thinking you could be mine, In my imagination there is no hesitation, We walk together hand in hand, I'm dreaming, you fell in love with me like I'm in love with you but dreaming's all I do if only they come true I should be so locky locky locky locky I should be so locky in love I should be so locky locky locky locky I should be so locky in love I'm the host of landlord Matthew Crosby let's meet the keyhole people,

it's Tom Perry and John Robin's is here. How are you? How are you doing, John? It's nice to see you. It's great to see you all as well. It's a pleasure to be here. It's an absolute pleasure to have you. Now, are you a... What's your lockdown situation?

What are you sharing a flat with? Are you living on your own? I know you've got a lot of Queen memorabilia. Well, that's because I am. It's not really enough. Living on my own, my own, my own. D-do-re-de, D-do-re-de, I don't have no time for no monkey business.

Actually, I do, and that's why I'm here. I've got so much time for monkey business. Nothing much. I have a monkey business. Yeah, so I've been, well, I live alone anyway, but I've been seeing my, me and my girlfriend are in a support bubble. Oh, that's a nice one.

Guys, we support each other. That's lovely, actually. And how does the support manifest itself? What are you doing for her? What's she doing for you? I'm going in too much data. I just DM me some pictures. I guess I'm doing the cooking. She's doing the being really sort of children kind.

I'm also kind. Right. But I'm more of a cook than a kind. Sure. More cooking than kindness. Yes. You've got to be careful., more cooking than kindness. Yes. Yes.

You've got to be careful. You can kill with kindness. You do realize that. You can kill with cooking. You can't actually kill with cooking. I've got to famously kill with cooking. What are your specials? Curry.

Yes. Just loads of different types of curry at the minute. Can I ask you, now you spent an entire day making gravy? Is that right? Yes. Because I know this because I think you might have put it up on Twitter and our friend Josh Widdickham, screen grabbed it, sent it to me and said, what it must be like to not have kids. LAUGHTER Well, it's... I guess it's a mixed blessing. sent it to me and said, what it must be like to not have kids.

Well, it's, it's, I guess it's a mixed blessing. So I, I have, I have like a WhatsApp group for a radio show with Dave and Alice and, um, they were sort of asking me to do stuff and it was about one o'clock. And I said, yeah, don't worry, I'm going to do it. I'll do it three. I'm just going to have a nap for two hours. And that does feel quite good to be able to have a two hour sort of nap halfway through the day. But on the other hand, very, very quiet, and not a lot to do.

Yeah. I've heard that the kids, you know, people love their kids a lot. Yeah, I mean, they also have a two hour nap. You can have it while the kid was having a nap. That's true. But the gravy is essential to a really good homemade curry. So if you went if you went into the kitchen of a curry house, they'll have all of the spices lined up,

but they'll have a huge vat of this base gravy. And it takes a few hours to make and your house absolutely stinks of onions, but I don't mind it because it's just me here. And how much do you, is that what you've got now in your kitchen? You've got like a vat that every dinner starts with that. Regardless of what you're eating. Yeah, the freezer is full of about sort of 20 portions of this. But the other day I made a curry with 50 bulbs of garlic in it just for me. What? Wow. What? Wow. What? It's a special curry recipe which should have 100 bulbs of garlic in but because you're

on a diet. You were just one portion so I just did 50. Was it nice? It was, do you know what? The little bit of garlic in it. You know when you have a roast and you get a... Do you know how long it's taking you to answer this? You can get to tell me everything I need to know. It's the answer, yeah. You know when you have a roast bulgurl in a curry

and it's just like so tasty, imagine having an entire sort of bowl of that flavour. It's very tasty, but it's intense. Did you finish it? It stays intense, yeah, of course it feels good. You ate all 50 bowls of garlic. I didn't have to do something horrible with your guts. Oh yeah, Christal.

Wow. Absolutely out of this world. And your ass. Yeah. Causing also. What's hilarious is, because if you have sensitive guts, the two of the things that were worst are onions and garlic. It's like first mouthful.

So I saw the way I farted. It's so fun. Because it's like life of help is what I was in the fart. It just continued. As you're also going, please kill me. And not with kindness. Oh, thank you. Perry, who have you brought along with you this week?

Well, listen, the jamborees in trouble everyone. It's struggling to exist online. It's hard. Yes, it's tricky. Hard to have the jamboree online. So, but I've brought along someone who is going to advisors on our Zoom etiquette and she demonstrated it so effectively earlier because whilst we were having that little chat, she started to sneeze,

muting herself, sneezed, and then unmuted herself absolutely seamlessly. It was like it. It was fantastic. The one on the... Susie Ruffles here, everybody. Susie. Hi. Susie, I've got to ask you you what's the most balls of garlic you've put into one dish? I would say probably just the two. Yeah, that's usually and that feels excessive That does make me feel like I'm a big shot Alright, I'm pushing the boat. I'm with you, right? You're pushing the boat out to quite one of Clarke's memes this afternoon. LAUGHTER So, Suzy, what kind of a person are you to live with?

A bit of a ledge. I was going to manifest itself. Kindness, cooking. Neither of those. Healing, right. No, I'd say I think I'm quite annoying. If I'm honest. Right, do you find yourself annoying?

No. No, I think I'm great. No, I think I need sort of constant attention and sort of praise. So I got into stand-up. and sort of praise. So I got into stands. Can I say, Susie, you're doing a wonderful job on the show already. You know what, that bit you chipped in earlier on was absolutely fantastic. It really was.

Thanks mate. No, I think I'm quite, I'm sort of, I'm always sort of, I wanted to, like, quite often, in the morning, my girlfriend would be like, let Let's just do you reckon you're a bit much Yeah, yeah, but I kind of hate it when people say that because it feels like they're talking about me I'm also an artist. No, but I think I'm quite like like is the moment I jump out of bed I'm like what should we do? Where should we go? Should we have a cup of tea? I'm gonna have three digestives this morning fuck it and I And I think Alice is just a bit like, it's a bit of an assault on the senses. And I think he locked down that spirit.

I was locked down, yeah, I was gonna say, how's locked down being for you? Like, I think it's been fine. I mean, she doesn't live here anymore, but I think it's been fine. I think it's been fine. No, I think it's been fine. I mean, there were days where like,

Alice has a proper job. And I'm available now. So. And this is working my diary tonight. Yeah, I did say. So I think that there was a day when she had a Zoom call that was really important. And it was the day that I liked that was about finance. And it was the same day that I thought, I'm going to see if I can roll a skate around the flat whilst holding the cat to video.

For a fun little Instagram vid. Do you feel like it's a little bit, I find this as well, because I, you know, work from home. It's quite exposing having someone who's got a real job in the house all the time, because there's always a counterpoint for somebody actually doing some active work. And what I consider to be quite a productive day I've realised is I probably do a grand total of if I've done 45 minutes of writing that's a good that's a really strong day and it won't be seen down for 45 minutes it'll be 45 minutes stretched out between 8 a.m. and 6 you know it's really bad. I'm quite like sitting down and getting stuff done, but I think that like I'm annoying in that like I'll be seeing around the house, I'll be saying Alexa, play magic at the musicals constantly.

It's a bit dream. I mean it's an absolute dream, but so it's me Alice in the cat and these guys who are the figurines that Alice says are not allowed in the lounge. Right, yeah. So they have to go in your mat Hancock cupboard, you've got them. Yep, they're all yours, are they? My flags just out of show, I'll bring it in. My flags hiding my fuse box, actually, so I'm going to keep flying it.

Oh, I've got a queen flag. Have you? Of course you. I'm not supposed to be draped over your coffin when you buried it see. Does anyone have that sentence in John Robbins' bingo? Well, we met our guests anyway, let's crack on with round one. Let's find out who's got the key and who's got the secret as we play round one Look, today I'm not here, what I do Cause I gotta prove You know I gotta break in I gotta break in

I don't wanna be locked out I don't wanna be locked out You know I gotta break in Food Fighters there. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, should have let you back reference that, John. This round is called Lockity Lock. Now, it's a working of the classic TV game show, Blankety Blank.

I'm gonna leave our players a sentence with a word or phrase missing from it. All you've got to do is tell us what word or phrase is missing from the sentence. If they get it right, I'll give them a point. I'll also want a point for an answer, I particularly enjoy it. All of these sentences come from reviews of escape rooms.

All right, so the first review is from Dimzli and it is titled worst escape room. Here's your quotes. We've always come out of other rooms, absolutely buzzing, as they really are great adult fun. Well, not this one. We left feeling completely deflated. Wish I had a blank.

We left feeling completely deflated. Wish I had a blank. Suzy will start with you. What do you think they wish they had? Pump! Yeah, yeah, that's a stop. I wish I had it. I feel completely deflated. I wish I had a pump.

Yeah, it makes it perfect. Did you guys also notice how Crosby really hit deflated? That's why I've gone for it. Oh, you thought I was extra selling it? I was just trying to sort of get into the mind. He struggles with emphasis. It's been quite these days.

He has failed many auditions for that reason. So I never know what's the most important word in a sentence. That's the problem with me. You do, I. For the first few years, it was Papi's fun club. The club was the most important bit. So you're going pump. I'm going pump.

Perry, what are you thinking? Wish I had a, I mean, well, I'm feeling completely deflated. I tell you what, we're left feeling completely deflated. Oh, change anything. Oh, we can't get back. No, no, you're a pumpkin pumpkin. I mean, this is where my head's up. I think because he says that the

star Adel Entertainment. Right. So I thought he might say, wish I had a kid, because I think he's had, it's been two childish and experienced. And then I feel like that's a weird parting sentiment. It's a weird sentence. It's not a nice, Paris, it's weird. He suddenly just had this kind of thought. It occurred to him. He was like, oh, I'm in my 30s and I wish I had a kid. Like, he gets distracted by his own life situation.

Tissue, weirdly, it's how he signs off all of his reviews. I wish I had a kid. Really enjoyed that pub lunch. I wish I had a kid. Is that what you're going to go for? Wish I had a kid. Wish I had a not booked it. Is that work as a phrase?

I wish I had a... You thought I'd tell you. Wish I had a not booked in on my done meal day. I'm doing an escape room. I'm sorry. I wish I had not booked it. Oh, fucking, imagine. You booked to do an escape room and you get in there and don't be a family of booked in as well.

Might, man. Absolutely, might, man, I don't think it's an absolute. It is not, man. I'm going to find my final answer is going to be hammer. I think you're just you're brainstorming ideas so that by the time we get to finish it's going to be, you know, there's literally no words left. Are you just looking at things you can see in your unless day as cupboard? Is that what it is? So I felt completely deflated. Wish I had a hammer. Okay, it's a bold choice. Robbins, how do you like to play?

How do I like to play? What word are you going to go for here? Well, two of mine are quite similar to two of Tom's, so I'm going to go for rogue third option, which is Escape from to call my own. Oh I like that. Yeah, very Wistful. I wonder if he's been visiting escape rooms everywhere because he's never found sort of his own escape room of his own soul. One that writes the escape room that's in all of us. Yeah, he's trying he's looking for answers in other

people's escape rooms and in truth he just wants to run his own escape room. He just wants to unlock his own life. Okay, an escape room of my own or Clarky. We felt that they're fully completely deflated. Wish I had a... Key? Not a bad one. Not a bad one. Just get out early doors, can't you? It's a rubbish. It's a good one. It's a bad one. Just get out early doors, can't you? If it's a rubbish state, it's a good one. It's a good one. I can tell you now, I can tell you now, we've always come out of other rooms,

absolutely buzzing as their great adult fun. Well, not this one. We left it in completely deflated. Wish I had a rewind button. You can never have booked. They wanted to do a share. I was going to turn back time. Yeah, no, imagine if he'd only rewound it to the start of the escape room

and had to do it all again. You'd have to rewind for absolutely ages, because presumably he didn't just rock up on the day. You've got a book ahead. He's rewinding it at least a day. I guess it depends what type of rewind button. He's got a cassette rewind button that he's guessing, isn't he?

Yeah. But other rewind buttons, you're gonna know where you're at. He doesn't, didn't, he doesn't, doesn't specify what kind of rewind button. I wish we had the wrong way to see buttons. We don't have that bad. This is obviously.

Well, it's fast-foot onto the next one. The next review is for IC3 guy, and he calls it worst exit game ever. The first puzzle was ruined for us. The previous people who played this game had blank. Clarky, what are you thinking? The first puzzle was ruined for us. The previous people who had played this game had what?

Solved it? Solved it, okay. I think it might have been solved it. What about you, Susie? Left their workings. Left their workings, Robbins. Moved in. And you're not going to believe it. It was the Dolmiro family as well. What a mistake, it's a me. They walked in and there's just a family doing And you're not going to believe it. It was the Dolmiro family as well. Doesn't mean I think it about they cut the meat. They walked in and there's just a family doing

sort of like washing up and putting out the washing and playing around on the floor. A lot of stuff with washing. Yeah, just a gesture. It was a bomb, so there's absolute spotless. Harry, how about you? I'm gonna go for the shits. Okay, the first puzzle was ruined for us. The previous people who played the game for the shits. Oh, yeah, okay. The first puzzle was ruined for us.

The previous people who played the game had the shits. It would certainly ruin it, but I can reveal that the answer is, the first puzzle was ruined for us. The previous people who played the game had written the solution on the puzzle. I'm gonna give a point to Suzy and I'm gonna give a point to Clarky as well. Congratulations, two points there.

This next one is from Attrouille. Gorgeous, a gorgeous celebration from Susie. This next one is from Attrouille and they've simply titled it, worst, £44 spent. I was expecting something else for this money. If you have money to spend on this, try blank. John, what do you think? I was expecting something else for this money. If you have money to spend on this, try blank. Opening an iso. A classic Robbins answer, and a very smart one as well.

Absolutely, but unfortunately not a particularly a beneficial one in this chronically low interest rate environment we find ourselves in. And also how far is 44 quid going to go in an iso? Well, at 7% a year, it's going to be 88 quid in 10 years time. You make a very strong point. Parry. C-cane.

C-cane. C-cane. Yeah, I mean, sure. Try cocaine. For 44 pounds, you could get, you know, a lovely bit of, I wanna want you to get seven cocaine's. I don't know. But you know what, if you got seven cocaine's in 10 years time.

Yeah, that's good. You'd still have seven, so that's not how it works. Suzy. Another? I was expecting something else for this money. If you have money to spend on this, try another. It's in like another escape room, a different escape room.

Okay, right, yeah. You could say a different escape, you could say try another escape room. That would also accept that. I can't even hold it all for a phrase. Okay, part, another escape, a different escape room. And Clarky, what do you think? A room you don't want to escape?

You know what? You really want to stay in. I'm going to give you half a point for that, Clarky, because I was expecting something else for this money. If you have the money to spend on this, try some pubs, they're great. That was the other ones. That's right, this is going to say it's a surprise, Robbins.

It could have gone one or two ways with Robbins. I thought that was a shoe in for you. That's a fucking, got half a point. You're on my side. Oh great, well done, Ben. I mean, I'm a little confused for a self-monauty. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say that last time round as well. Oh, I'll make you pay for that.

Absolutely. So half went to Clarky, no points to anybody else, but Tom, there's a chance to turn that around, because the final quote is from Kelly F, who warns us, do not waste your money, but why? Cheap props, no theatrics, a tender was not helpful, and the room wasn't blank. I've had reviews like that.

Yeah, I know what you're saying. We definitely have. Absolutely. She probably knows the attributes. Attendant was not helpful and the room wasn't blank. Locked. The room wasn't locked. Suzy, what do you think?

I think Paris, right, but I'm gonna say lit. The room's at the right, it's doing the dark, strong, strong. Robbins, can you do the sentence again please? Cheek props, no theatrics, attended was not helpful and the room wasn't blank. as advertised. Sure it could be it could be and Clarky what do you think? Cheap props, no theatrics attendant was helpful and the rules were not. I'm not giving him half a point for the thinking times. Just give me a couple of points. You need to be Clarky. Just give me a couple of points.

Three quarters of a point for just being you. Thanks mate. I'm going to go with the room, wasn't dry. I'm taking away your three quarters of a point there, mate. Oh, no! The Tommy O'Family of Hacquisher. Today's the day. The Tommy O'Family of God and Trance. It's terrible, I'm afraid. Today's the day, the dog, the old family, have gotten trunks. It's terrible, I'm afraid. Well, Harry, I tell you what isn't terrible.

You've got the point, mate. Of course you have. Cheap props, no theatrics. A tenant was not helpful. And the room wasn't actually locked. You could go in and out. Congratulations. It's time for us to escape round one.

Producer Grin. Producer Grin, even. Producer Grin. I'm totally producer Grin, because you're ever smiling face. It's time for us to escape round one producer grin a producer grin even Can you produce a grin because you are smiling face producer give us a grin Rule Britannia producer grin Listen, you've got a fight with the other green for you because it really helped clockies course. I'll see what I can do. Thank you so much. Pritchie sir, Gwynne. What?

What are the scores at the end of that round? As the end of that round, Ben and John have one and a half and Tom and Susie have two. Oh, Tom and Susie are in the lead. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Four things. It's like theaters December 15th. But Ben and Tom, are they not yet locked out? Well, let's find out. As we play play flat games. Yes, this week we're playing our version of a choose your own adventure game, which we're calling WWE ID. Or what would you do? The rules are very simple.

I'm going to give our teams a situation they will then guess how one of the players would deal with it. If they guess correctly, they get a point. Now we'll start with John Robbins. I would like each team to guess how John would deal with this scenario. You've been booked for a high profile charity fundraiser at a holiday camp, but when you arrive you realize you've misread the small print, it's a nudist colony and they're expecting you to perform in the nude. What would John Robbins do? Okay, John, we'll leave you for a second, take your headphones

out and let's have the other team members have an chat about it. Okay, so Ben, John's on your team, I'll let you go first. How do you think John would react to the news that he's going to have to perform in the altogether? I think he'd just perform in the need. Think you just let it hang. Just let it hang. Let it dangle. He's got it there, hasn't he? He's got a body under those clothes. He certainly has.

That's it. I mean, he's worked hard for it. He's earned it. Well, I'm it off. You know, if you, if you, that dedicated to eat 50 bulbs of garlic. Oh, you've got to pray for the audience, really, haven't you? You clearly must be just to get an amazing bodhichitta. Yeah, it just way else would you do it. A classic ripped, sort of a six pack of garlic

cloves basically. Susie and Tom, what do you think? How would John react to that scenario? I do agree with Clarkian that I think John would just front out. Have you seen Johnny J. R. P. Has he ever got it out on stage? I don't think so. We're not all in a sketch group mate. Some of the stand-ups. There's been some late night Ed and Brough shows.

He's never had to work that hard to sell a show. As he ever got in, that's the question. No. My suggestion was going to be he'd perform it, but he'd like, he'd play it with like a, like a bottle of beer there or something like that. So he would fulfill it with like a kind of cheeky loophole, like he's holding a photo of Freddie Mercury there or something for the whole time. I think, yeah, the can of beer, I can, I think.

I think a can of beer is a good color. Oh, like a brand. This is like Nalt in front of him. Oh, I'm so sorry. He's facing forward on the way. He's facing forwards. But like, so I think But I guess the answer would be contractually, we would be nude, but at no point would he expose himself.

I think he'd find a loophole to... You'd put it in a loophole. OK, so we've got a Clarkie. We've got a Clarkie who's saying, let it all hang out. We've got Suzy and Tom who are saying, go for it, but protect your modesty in some way. John, tell us. Oh, you weren't listening to that.

Well, genuinely, I was watching nothing. John's hating this. Just like, fucking hell. Oh, I think he's really upset about it. I thought, no, no, just for it. John did just for that. So don't worry, he doesn't know how you're upset. That's such a relief. That's such a relief. But let's find out, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You said yes to a gig where you don't get paid.

I mean, yeah, it doesn't sound like Robbins. Is the charity based around nudity at all, or is it a total surprise? It's a total surprise to you. When you arrive, you had no idea. It's a save the rhino or something like that. And they want to see the horn. A cursory glance at the lineup would have given you a clue.

We all know the kind of lineup this gig would have. But don't wait. Phil Kase on the bill. Oh, Phil Kase is doing it. I'm proud of you. I'm just doing a tight fight. Yeah. I once been nude on stage once before.

And it's certainly not my biggest regret But it's in the regrets pile. How do you find out nude on stage? It was a spank. Yeah We were on that night. We saw it of course it was of course You did the nude emceeing didn't you? Yeah, it was a bad I came off and Wil Hodgson went to me I will never forget it. It's not fucking I beef the robins and the nude so these do think of the nude promo where you could plug your show nude for like five minutes or whatever and they didn't turn up so I think is it Leon and James? James, yeah, yeah. James, I think, was always quite keen to get,

and no, Leon was always quite keen to get nude. And it was just that evening was going that way. But it wasn't particularly pleasant experience. James and Liam were that a bit. James and Liam very much belonged to that different time. Didn't they? Yeah. That way you say it was a different time. It belonged to that different time. Didn't they? Yeah. That way you say it was a different time.

It wasn't that long ago. I'd say it was probably 2009 or 10, maybe 8. Do you know what I think I would honestly do in the situation is I would try and find a replacement who was higher like someone that they would be like, oh it's a shame you can't do it, but that person's amazing. So I try and convince someone else to do it.

And I have to say that Perry was my first choice. Oh, yeah, but I'm not higher. You can't, no one's gonna go. John Robinson's gonna do it, but don't worry, we've got Perry. No, I think they would take. They would be delighted to see you swinging your stuff about on stage. They would be, honestly, the only thing

is you couldn't do your how to take a t-shirt off routine. Tom, that's the only way I do it. How to put it on? You have to. Yeah, that's the only way I would do it. That could be the opening routine is how to take your t-shirt off. Yeah. Well, so you go on stage like Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah, just with this t-shirt and it's really hanging out like Winnie the Pooh. That's the jar of honey from somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so is your answer, Rob, get replaced? I'd get parried to do it for me. Right. You know what, nobody got that right. Tom and Suzy thought you'd do it.

Tom suggested that you might have like a can of beer to protect your modesty. I'm all right, have six cans to mean that I didn't care about my modesty. Oh, fair enough, you could have had a can of beer beforehand. Yeah, and Clarky, your team mate there suggested you just do it, let it all hang out. But it's not 2010 anymore, Clarky, it's not 2010. So they've all just said I'd do the gig, basically everyone in every year should get you

about. That's it. Everyone would see what you would. No, I thought you'd do it, but never reveal your knob. Like I think you'd have a good way of. Well, are there like cameras at it? That's the thing, because there's one thing like having a crazy 20 minutes on stage but if it's then on Twitter that would be an absolute nightmare

is that for ever. This is the modern problem isn't it you see? Have you got the smartphones in Ziploc cases like Jack White is Jack White performing at this gig and as you ban smartphones. I think I can, yeah, I think in a nudist colony, it's not, it's not on screen. Where are you going to need your phone? Filming it, exactly, yeah. Everything's back in, everything's back in the shallows, I think. I think, would you do it then?

Would you do it if you knew that no one was going to film it? It was just for the 17,000 people in the stadium. Well, if the 17,000, very, very few of them are really going to see much. No, the screens make the screens. Oh, you know, if there was like a guarantee in some, I could like cast a spell that no one saw it, then I probably would do it and have a few drinks and sort of vibe myself into it. Yeah, enjoy it. It's just a body. It's just a body. Are you trying to engineer a way here to get Clarky points? I just feel like Clarky is putting it, he's not in the, I thought you'd

be in the lead after that. I know, this unbelievable, you've managed to give me a point for every round that I'm still losing. Are you trying to engineer a situation where this is new to Papi's flat share slam down? I don't think that's I don't. I haven't got trousers on. Yeah I mean that's the joy of the zoo isn't it you don't need it. Well Clark if you you. Oh that's a sex splat. Yeah that's alright. No I do actually I've got I've got tracky bottoms. Yeah I mean almost a very interactive piece. I too am wearing tracks. I'm actually wearing six pairs of trousers. I'm fully turdured. Well thank you for that. So Suzy, you're the next person up. You arrive at how Suzy would react to this. You arrive home to find your partner as cooked dinner for your anniversary. The

only problem is, you'd completely forgotten. As you're both eating, they hand you a generous and thoughtful gift and then look expectantly your way. What would Susie do? Okay. Headphones off. Perry will start with you. Okay. Susie gave a look then, which was more like what has Susie do exactly? That's what I thought. This feels like this is happened already. I think Susie would improvise a poem or something to be like, well, actually I have written you this and try and perform her way out of it with like a poem or something or like a song.

Yeah I think that's a good answer for a comment. I feel like that's what I could see us doing in that situation. Like, like any one of Papis would try and go, I'll bring you a sauce. We sit down with that girlfriend. I've, I've, oh, well in that, no, but I've got you this, I've, I've thought of this poem for you and here comes a poem that's coming out of her mouth. That's good to try and get out.

I don't think she can clean. I think she's gonna try and get away out of it like that. Right, okay. So not being honest, but trying to improvise something. Yes. Clarkian Robbins, what do you think? So just to confirm, the situation is that it's Susie's anniversary and she's forgotten.

It's the couple anniversary. It's the couple anniversary. They're both nude from the waist down. But she's come back to find that she needs a present sharpish basic. Exactly, yeah. Right. Yeah. I've got to fit what?

I don't know if I'm just saying what I would do, but I'd be like, I think she'd be like, I've got something great, but you have to wait until the weekend. Right. And then what would you, what would you come up with for the weekend? Like what could it... a poem? But I'm really well prepared now. Right. You have a couple of days to do it. Robbards, what do you think? You guys...

Is it a case? Is it a case of... saying, I'll go and get your present. And then going upstairs and hastily creating vouchers for like, coupley things. Which is sort of almost sweet sweet but also almost quite rubbish. What kind of couple of things are you doing vouchers for? What do you think? Two massages for half an hour minimum. A day out at a place of your choice within the M25.

the M25. I owe you 50 quid. I'll get the next three big shots. Wow, are you really good about it? You just took the 50 quid away as a rat. First you set the shower for the next fortnight. That's good. And I think because you're panicking, you're going to give up a lot of aren't you? You're going to go big. I can't. You're going to get the hell out of the bag. The deans to the house. My finger. 40. I've got to get it for you.

40 garlic bulbs. I'm going to only have 10. Okay, well, that's good. Okay. So we're going for improvising a song or a poem postponing it. Well, I need the team to pick a pick an answer. I would definitely go with Robin. You're going to go with you're going to go the vouchers. I think the vouchers is a smart move. Suzy Ruffle, can you please come back? Suzy, you arrived home to find your partner

as cook dinner for your anniversary. The only problem is you'd forgotten. As you're both eating, they hand you a generous and thoughtful gift, and then look expectantly your way. What would Suzy do? I think I would lie. Okay. So that I'd remember.

Yes. And I'd say something like, I've booked us to go in stay at the Savoy Hotel or somewhere fancy. And like we're, I say, I've got a voucher or something. And we're not going, and like, see, I haven't booked the day, but I've booked it so we can do it. Is that what Rubin said? Do you know what it is? This is really good. No, that is really, really good because Clarkie said basically post-pone it to another time and say,

I've got this really big surprise and Rubin said vouchers. So I'm going to give you two points for that because that was... Oh! What a parry say! Come the fuck on, may we have a chance together? Is anybody... improvise a poem?

I mean, you've got... Have you at me, I think poetry's boring. Tom, Tom. Tom, you're panicking, you're in the moment, you're like, oh, I don't know. What am I an MC? I'm going to like... I'm going to just drop a beat. So Tom, if you're in that situation, you're panicking,

you have to improvise a poem. What would your poem be? Tonight is the night that you and I celebrate another year. I think at that point she's now that you had a bit of it in a poem. I've moved into the Dolly O'Fabley. It's the day. Well everybody loves a Dolly O, oh, family of people. I think she'd be moved by that, actually, top.

It's not easy to do, is it? It is top. But you did it with a plum. Thank you. Thank you. Well, it's a lot of day. It's a lot of day. It's a lot of day.

It's a lot of day. It's a lot of day. It's a lot of day. Well, Ben, we're going to take about a bit of a bit lucky to die. Oh, thanks. No wonder. Well, Ben, we're going to take about a year in a second. Here is your situation. You're at a party and you see an old flame. They approach the group you're with and say, but aren't you going to introduce me?

The trouble is you've forgotten their name. This is your cutting straight to the core of Clarky here. I mean, it's not a made up scenario, it's a scenario. I've been in with Clarky before, and I was cut to the quick that you can remember my name. So, the trouble is, you've forgotten their name. What would Ben do? Ben, headphones off.

Let's ask Robbins, what what you think. How do you think Ben would react to that situation? He's been asked by an old flame to introduce them to the entire group. Does it remember their name? What would he do? Well in this situation in the past, not with an old flame, but with someone I've met, but don't remember. I do have a way, there is a way to do it, which is to say, oh, I don't think I got your number last time we met. So could I get your number? And they go, yeah, sure. And then you take the number of your phone and you say,

oh, what's your full name? Because you wouldn't have got this name. And you're doing this? They still be going, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? It's a group of people watching this. Before I introduce you, I'm just real, as I'm not as helpful,

but I'd love to continue this by text. Um, I mean, it's not a bad method one-on-one after you've had a bit of a conversation. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't work with this group scenario. I think, yeah, I think if you're literally, if there's a pregnant pause in the air, after the phrase, aren't you going to introduce me? She's pregnant. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and then Kate, one of the people would go, oh hey, I'm Kate, and the person would then go, have to go. So you've sort of forced them to introduce themselves.

Yeah. Yeah, that's actually, that's good because- That's the classic tactic, yeah. That's the classic, isn't it? The hope then that the person would go, oh, hello, I'm Samantha Mumber, or whatever, you know. Who, you know, I don't want to- As if we would know Samantha comes of course, yeah, it's not be silly. I'm just trying to think of old flames, the Clarky doesn't mind us mentioning. So that's a very

strong answer from Robbins there. Ruffle, Parry Wix, how do you play? What are you thinking? I mean, what do you think Susie? Well I think what John said is an excellent answer and is a very likely answer. So I think we should go a bit of a curveball and I'd say that Clarky would just pretend to faint? I actually think and I think actually we're closer to what the answer is going to be because I think a no offense to the man but I think what what Robbins has presented is quite a complex solution to the situation and I think in the heat of battle I'm not sure Clarky would necessarily reach for that option. I think there's a conversation as battle. No no not sure Clarky would necessarily reach for that option. I think there'd be

blind people. I think a conversation has battled. No, no, no, no, I think there's a police panic isn't it? There's a party, the party in the heat of this party going on and all this going on. I don't think Clarky's going to be, I think the next day Clark you'll go, that's what I should have done. Well, but bear in mind here, bear in mind Robyns didn't even come to it immediately. Rob, that wasn't even Robyns have done. Well, very nice. I think he, yeah. Very nice, Robbins didn't even come to it immediately. Robbins first instinct. So, and he's here in a much more relaxed situation. I think that's why.

Am I left throwing a second option? I tell you what, yes, because he's on Clarkie's team. So, because of Clarkie's history in improvisation drama, he goes, what better way for us all to get to know each other than playing a quick improv game? Everybody write your name on a sticker and put it on your head and everyone has to say your name in the style of an animal. Or something like that where it sort of he turns it into like a warm program. He turned it into a sort of drama workshop basically.

I thought Clark would do one of two things. I think he would either say, let's all drink and engineer some kind of finishing your drink kind of situation like down your point kind of thing. Or he'd say, let's all just bloody dance and like I love this tune and then get everyone like, hey, and let's just eat like engineer a larger, more party thing than this. It's not a congeline. It's going on. Yeah, so it's either a congoline or a dance or finish your drinks.

I think that's where we're looking at. He create a happening. Yes. Yes. And like, I'm probably not faint, but I think like, I think, in fact, I remember I was at a house party with Crosby very early on when I remember, he pretended to faint. Oh yeah. Just to make something happen, because it's quite boring parts.

We all carried him into the kitchen and everyone was making a fuss and then after about 50 minutes he kind of winked at me, it went, I'm only joking. It was a 15 minutes, I didn't let the maker fuss over for 15 minutes. It was 15 seconds, but it was fun to pretend to pass out. It was a long time. It was an ice time. I think we would go with, yeah, I think we'd go with that like a happening, a dancing, let's dance, let's drink,

let's, something like that. Clarky, back you come mate. You're at a party and you see an old flame. They approach the group you're with and say, aren't you going to introduce me? The trouble is you've forgotten their name. What would Ben Clark do? Well, of course.

I didn't provide the poem. Yes, go on. Okay, so go on, you didn't provide a poem. Yes! Go on! OK, so go on, you didn't provide a poem, how and how would that go? Oh, well, well. Imagine you do a whole lot of it. Imagine you do it. Today's the day!

No, why? What I do is I would... I did a classic thing of introducing the other people. So I'd say, oh well, this is Matthew and Tom and John and Susie. And then I'd try and keep the conversation going long enough that the other people do the job for me. I can tell you now, you know what? Robbins gets the point for me. I can tell you now. You know what? Robbins gets the point there. Yes.

Robbins, I'm going to give it to him. He gave three answers and one of them was Robbins. It's a buckshot approach to winning the round. But nevertheless, he won it. Parry, you're up next. So, a bird lands on your window ledge and begins talking to you, Influent English. Yes. What do you do? Great. Off you go. Okay. What would Tom Perry do? Okay. He's mute himself off now, okay, good, he's taken them off.

Okay, right, we will start with Susie. What do you think Tom would do? I think he'd immediately text you two. I mean, that's true, yeah. The WhatsApp would be a buzz. What do you think his plan would be for, of course, with the WhatsApp? What do you think his plan would be for the, for the birds?

Well I think he'd try and keep it and force it to become a double-apply. He'd squeeze us out. I think it would be... Happy his fun club. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I got even the phone that is bringing me out in a hot flush. Oh, dear. Yeah, I think it would be like a new wallvill situation. He could be the next Keith Harris. I think it's a like a new Warville situation. He could be the next Keith Harris. I think it's a smart play actually. He could become, you know, Paris is always talking about how to become a TikTok star

or what to do on Twitch. And I feel like if it was a guy with a little talking bird, you'd watch that TikTok, wouldn't you? That's got Viral. Perfect for Twitter. That's got Viral. You have to teach the bird how to put on a t-shirt and take it exactly exactly Surely you get sweet it guys. You've got well of course, Clark in lovely stuff there

Bonus point for that. No, I can't Can't in good conscience Clarkian Robbins what do you think Perry would do? Kill it when they He'd kill it when they, he'd kill it. He'd freak out, slap its neck in the matter. LAUGHTER I think they'd get chatting and they'd fall in love. Oh!

I think he would immediately sort of think, oh my God, I'm going to make my fortune with this talking bird, but he'd sort of forget that as they started to get on really well. And they just become, it would become one of the great love stories. And I'm sorry to say I think he'd end up having sex with the bird. You're sorry to say, we're sorry to hear it. we're sorry to hear it. He's going to a lope with a bird, he's going to migrate with a bird. Yeah, he's going to, oh my god. I thought him having sex with a bird was, I mean, that's in all of our answers, right?

Oh yeah, of course. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucks, then he fucks the birds. And then yeah, exactly. So what's the journey up to it? So, Perry, a bird lands on your window ledge and begins talking to you in fluent English. What would a Tom Perry do in that situation? So I mean, I, I, I, I, I'm all disover him was like, I think there's some funny options.

And then, and then the true option hit me and it was so true. I was like, oh my god, that's exactly, that's exactly what would happen in the in real life. Like I was thinking of like some fun stuff like invite them to live with me, become a crime fighting, do all this kind of stuff. But actually the real the real answer, and this is 100% true, is persuade them to let me direct their Edinburgh show. I would like 100% by the end of the conversation, I'd be like convinced them, they've got a brilliant Edinburgh show in them and and get them to agree for me to direct it And then we would fucking clean up mate. I'm gonna give you come out I'm giving you come on a plate new come on a plate I'm gonna give you

Yeah, yeah, I mean for former double act, but effectively. Yeah, it's it's for my double take it into the entertainment realm. And there you go. You're taking it. And also, you know, it's not seeing that Edinburgh show. Who is not seeing that Edinburgh show? It's a talking bird. I mean, I love the fact that that's the, you know, you've got a talking bird, a miracle. And you think, oh, I could probably do a show in the above. Well, starting. This has got a hundred each tonight, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, congratulations, Susie there. You score the point. All the remains is to find out what you're like. Winwood, what would you have gone with the other options, please? Oh, well, you're fucking. I thought you'd freak out and kill it. You don't have to talk to a bird to fuck it, right?

So I said you'd get talking and fall in love and then have sex. I didn't just go, oh, you'd fuck it. I said you'd get chatting with them. I like that, fall in love, that's beautiful. I mean, you could still, you know, that ounce of could still happen as well, because you know what it's like up in Edinburgh, the late nights, you still, you know, that ounce of could still happen as well because you know what it's like up in Edinburgh. In Edinburgh. The late nights, you know, you know, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're basically, they're the British.

They're the British, but you're the director's code. You're the one taking the under their weight. No. Next year, you're up there and the pigeon bumps into you in the street and you have to introduce it to all your friends and your partner's name. All that remains is to find out what producer Gwyn would do when I ask for the scores. Producer Gwyn, what are the scores? The scores are Ben and John have five and a half.

Tom and Susie have three. Oh, Ben and John are in the lead. So for what would we do to what should they do? It's beef brothers. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a feed. for what would we do to what should they do? It's beef brothers. Yes, it's beef brothers where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and this one comes from Dan. Who writes? My tenancy agreement with my housemate James,, friend of many years, and housemate of two,

is coming to an end. We've both decided the current flat isn't right for us anymore. James wants to move to a two bed flat together that's slightly further out of town and closer to his family. But I don't wanna live with James anymore. I've been fortunate enough to find myself a better, in a better financial position

than when we first moved into the current flat. I'm now interested in getting a one bed flat of my own. This is something I've wanted for years and I'm finally in a position to do so. Many of my friends who are married who have kids say they really regret never having lived alone when they had the chance and I know I would too. And honestly, even if I couldn't afford a place to myself, I don't like the area James has his heart set on and there have been a fair few things over the years about our flat, sharing situation I've found less than harmonious. I'm feeling really guilty about this, as I know if I stop living

with him, he'll have to move in with strangers and I hate to put him in that situation. We've had a brief conversation where I mentioned I was thinking about going off on my own and we both agreed to think it over over the next week or two. Since then, he's been suspiciously nice and constantly saying how great it is living together. He's suddenly baking bread, vacuuming and letting me choose what we watch on TV. I know him well enough to know he's just trying to guilt trip me into staying, so please help me. How do I tell him my mind's made up without ending our friendship and how can I overcome the guilt of putting a friend in a position I wouldn't want him to be in?

Okay, rights. So, Susie,ie will start with you What would be your immediate thoughts for advice for Dan? Don't share it on a podcast Little too late for that the the toothpaste out in the tube Um, was that part of the reason he doesn't want to live with him? This is this is tricky. We've all we've all we've all we've all we've all we've all we've all had tricky situations where we've left flat shares for left leaving flat shares for partners and things. But he's not even leaving for a partner.

He's leaving to be honest. You know what he's saying? He's a life of solitude. He's better than living with you. He's preferable than living with you. I just think he needs to be honest. I know that's not a funny answer. It's a strong answer. He's looking for genuine advice here.

So... Okay, so I just think you say, you say, I don't want to live there. And I also really want to experience the moment. That's got nothing to do with how much I like you. I think we should still hang out all the time. I think you're brilliant. You know, you'll be welcome to come around and have tea, but fundamentally fuck off. Right. So, honesty leading up to fundamentally

fuck off. Robbins, what's your advice for Dan? I think he's, he only really needs to get himself out of the equation for the next month or so, while the flatmate is finding somewhere else. So, to take a sort of wartime action, he could give himself an injury that kept him in hospital for sort of three weeks. In the meantime, the guy has to sort other accommodation, can't afford to pay for two places,

or he could sort of say, he could sort of fake a family emergency alert, I've got to go about with my folks just for four weeks, or rehab, or something like that. I think, I think, I'm going to say now, as a little bit of advice, moving it back in with your parents, probably better than an injury that lays you up in hospital for three weeks. What your relationship with your parents is, but if he could, If he could, just take himself out of the decision process for long enough for his friend to have to make a choice. Force his hand.

Yeah, force his hand. Force his hand. Clarke, what do you think? Fater and death. Probably. Seems seems the best way to, you know, save his feelings. So do a canoe man on it, just disappear completely, presumed dead.

Yes. Or fake a death in the flat. Oh, yeah, I mean more pretend to faint. Oh is it always there in the back? Oh yeah, every time they try to, every time. Oh, are you starting? Yeah. Improvise a really long poem. Oh really nice, Italian meal.

And then do it, improvise for him. Okay, another thing you could do is price him out, strong suggesting places that are clearly above his pay grade if you've got a bit of the old. That's going to make his friend feel so bad though. That's torturing him, isn't it? Because if he's in a better financial situation, he's going, always you're moving to this luxury apartment and the guy can't afford it. You're just, when you almost be glad to be out of it,

then if you start to go like, oh mate, ugh, just, which one are you going to go for, Clark, you're going to go for, figure out,

figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out,

figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out, figure out of the equation, we've got fake your own death, it would be effective, which is a way of taking yourself out of the equation. Perry, what are you thinking? There's something very bittersweet about this beef and there's something quite like, like, tragic comic about it. It feels exactly like it'd be the, when it's been like the subject of so many kind of like American team movie type situation last you know, it's like the end of an era. Yeah, yeah I mean I would my initial reaction is to try and

engineer like either like a drastic personality change Or a behavioral change that you've lived with this person for a long enough time now to know that if you came home one day dressed as a steam punk and it's like, oh my god, have you watched Wild World West or anything? you know, Wild Wild West, I don't know. I don't know. And like, you suddenly, and like, you know, you just go at it for like four weeks of like, you've gone on this mad kind of trip

and to become this different person. So that when it comes to the conversation of moving to a new house, they're gonna think differently. So it's like, are you gonna become like, you know, you know, like when I those people who has an iguana on their shoulder all the fucking time. Sure, a character.

Like a local character. Become a character and, you know, adopt some kind of affectation, like in queen or something. Like before, yeah, like, you know, define your personality if I want to hurt it. It works. I know. Just suddenly be like, this is who I am and this is what it is. It won't hurt. It won't hurt. It won't hurt. It won't hurt. It won't hurt. It won't hurt.

It won't hurt. Just suddenly be like, this is who I am and this is what it is. And like, but choose the things that, ultimately you're engineering a situation where your friend is gonna have to gently let you down. Yeah, so you've got it there for, they're gonna feel good about it.

So actually you're doing the right thing. You've got to pick sort of like It's not quite their kryptonite, but something that they've got in a version too But they're gonna feel more sort of sympathy for you than they are gonna feel yes Well also this person said that their financial situation is improved So they've got a bit of money to throw at the problem so they could like get into cycling in a really tedious way Four or five bikes that take up all of the hallway. They're all in the kitchen,

they're on different fucking levels. Yeah. The kitchen is for those that are in your cycles, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That, or if you've got money throughout the problem, do that fucking thing where you decrease the size of their slippers over four weeks until they go in,

they're having problems. little bit more expensive than they get. And then get them get them sectioned. That's the other way to go. Gaslight them through footwear. Get them and then get them. How do you decrease the size of slippers gradually? You buy, you buy five You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods.

You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods.

You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods.

You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. You buy firewoods. I just want to be about that bonus. He's got a bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus tweets, our PIMS tweet lets you vote for who you think should win. Now, what is it? And the most you do that go to my Twitter and retweet the great memes about the Suez Canal. Get on clockies Twitter, Ben Papi-Cart get on that and even if you're listening to this podcast, obviously they're people watching this live, but if you're listening to this podcast, you know, down down the line, search through his tweets, give him a, you know, give him

a retweet. They're good stuff for me. They're good stuff. So I can reveal, I'm gonna stop it there. It's actually, it's neck and neck with two of the answers. I can tell you, with 12% John Robbins, I'm afraid, go A-Wall for a bit. With 18% it's Ben Clark with fake your own death. But splitting the votes I'm going to give you a point each, 35% each and of course no point to card each.

As soon as you're ruffle with, be honest, Tom Parrou would become awful slash weird. 35 points each, that's two points. So you guys can congratulations. Wow, we... Next. That's a big round for you guys. A big round for you guys, two points. Right, while Clarky Basques in the glory of his huge viral success, he really, you're like that Dan Blasarian guy.

You really are, I'm gonna see you with a cigar and models on your arm. It's time to turn over to Clarky and to Tom with the quick fire round jingle. Here it is. This is the quick fire round. It's a round that goes really quickly, which is why it's so weird that it has a long introduction With the phisologic It's got a long introduction

And that's very strange But here's the thing This is the first time I have sung it, and really does it have a long introduction, because it's Tom singing. Oh, that could be the case. If it's just Tom singing, maybe that's why it's so long because it's me I imagine we could just get into it I've got no reason to muck around and make it much longer What's my mother think?

I think it's just a tom thing And really in my hands There should be no reason for me to dally Or for me to dally, or for me to delay, I could just crack straight in to the quick fire rounds. That would be nice. Imagine that wonderful scenario. No Tom, no long intro Well, I don't know about you, but I found that a breath of fresh air No parry and none of his silly stretching out what's normally a long intro but this time it doesn't have to be.

Oh, Gorge, a Clarky, can I just say a bonus point? Gorge, just work there. Gorge, just work there. Good job from Tom Barry. Oh, good job, good job. Yes, this is the quick far round and as our show is all about changing the locks, I'm going to ask our players to put their answers behind lock and key. You say the word lock, then your answer, then the word key. So actually it's behind lock and in front of key but let's not make the game anymore complicated than it already is. Instead of buzzers, I would like you to shout out your first names. Okay, here are our questions.

What is the soft item of clothing you wear on your foot? Ben, Suzy. Lock, suck, yeah. It's correct. Dwayne Johnson is known by what stage name? Suzy. I think Suzy was just there first.

Lock, rock. Key. It's correct, name the era of water where you might park a yacht. Ben. Ben. John! Oh fuck! Oh god! Locked up key. It's correct.

OxoQ's a dehydrated what? John! John! Lock stuck key. It's correct. A Chinese round bottom cooking pot is called a what? John! John!

Locked up key. It's correct. Big Ben is actually the name of the yacht. Chinese round bottom cooking pot is called a what? Tum, Tum! John! Look, what key? He's correct. Big Ben is actually the name of the... Oh, Tum! Tom! Lock, clock, key. They're actually name of the bell. Bell.

If you're... It's the same to me. You seem to be stopping someone from getting off with someone else that he's known as... Tum, Tum. Tum. Tom. Lock, clock, clock, key. He's correct. What if the first name of the boxer played by Silvestre Salone?

Tom, Tom, Tom, I think it was just their first. Lock, Rocky, Key. Is correct. What was Guy Richie's first movie? And Tom. John, I think it was just there first. Whoa! Lock, lock, stock and barrel key. Oh, no. Oh, no. I was to... Tom, give us the correct answer. Oh, fuck!

Lock, lock, stock and two smoking barrels, key. Is correct. What do you call a man who races on horseback? Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom, lock, jockey, key. Is correct. Now in the Chinese owned video sharing social networking sites, Ben, Ben, lock tick tock key is correct. What is the name of the team? Have you ticked tocked about the season?

I'm sorry, it's not even a marathon. I'm going to do a little bit of a marathon. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, it was too much. It was too much. Really, really intense. We're going to talk about the entire thing right here. Yeah, I hate that. It's all going to be really bad. It's all going to be bad. I always let people know and I finish their podcast. I hated that.

I really didn't enjoy that. I actually did. I didn't enjoy the back of your fingers. You've always read book me. So there we go, that's over. So before we find out the final scores, that is over guys. I can't stress enough, that is over. Before we find out the final scores, Susie, you're treat for that punishment.

Anything you'd like to plug. Oh, I've got some podcasts. I don't know if you like that. I've got a podcast with Tom Allen, I've got a podcast with Tom Allen, called Likeminded Friends, where we chat about absolutely nothing. It's basically white noise for guys. Be don't be gay to enjoy it.

And then I also have another podcast. It's a bit more earnest, where I interview inspiring people from the LGBTQIA plus community. Fantastic. And Robbins, anything you would like to plug? Yeah, well, I just started up a mailing list. I thought I should really get on the back of this emerging

communication technology. And there is an announcement I'm making on Monday so if anyone wants to sign up to my mailing list go to just it's on my social media or get review.co forward slash profile forward slash John Robbins. Great! Give us a spousey what's the announcement? Come on! Come on tell us! Give us little We need this mate. We need this we need this for the numbers give us a Mate if you if you've done a meme about the Sir's canal Have you have you worked out to move that boat?

This is how to fix it because don't do it yet, mate, because Clark is getting good gear in here. It's nothing like super, I'm very excited, but it's nothing like, I mean, it's in the general realm of the sorts of, it's not things, comedians and else. Is it a tour? No. Fuck, no, God, too scared.

Is it a pod? I could neither confirm. Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Thanks, everyone, at home for watching tonight. As always, check out our Patreon, Patreon.com for a slash package flat share. There's loads of bonus stuff over there. If you're a fan of the podcast and want to give us a donation, that's the way to do it because you give us a cash. That's the way to do it. We get to give you the three bonus episodes that we do every single week.

All one ticket to a live show. The next one is on April 20th with Evelyn Mock and Tony Law, and the tickets are available right now. In fact, there'll be in the show notes for the episode you were listening to this moment. Search Papi's Flatshow on Eventbrite. I call it UK or check out our Twitter or Facebook for links for that. If you can't join the Patreon,

you can't watch a live show, you can't follow us on social media, they just recommend this. And what can you do? They just recommend this to a friend or, you know, Lewis and I change review. But I mean, get on social media because there's some really great stuff popping over at Clarke's page.

Get political on the list. Oh my god, anyone is got in the master of the match. I was not coming back. Get in the way, just the same thing. I'm afraid it's easy. I'm a bored about and get jammed. So Clarkie is Ian home. Is he the Suez Canal in that? Yeah, he's the Suez Canal, I say that. That means he's going round the bit, see? So he's choosing to keep the boat. Yeah. Yeah,

that's it. I didn't understand that. It takes a little thinking time. I have a more short of the ring. The ring's not stuck on his finger, is it? Yeah, if the ring goes... The real good one. The narrative there is saying that Sue's canals actually like, you know what, I'm going to hold on to this boat.

Like, the Sue's canalite wants the boat. That's difficult. You're slipping the narrative. Yeah. I'm going to hold on to this boat. The sea is going to be like, once the boat, that's difficult. You're slipping the narrative. Yeah. I think it's, I'm switching the narrative, 90 degrees and jamming it down to the surface. I think it's good, strong stuff. And I think you know, look, I can tell,

Peperian Robbins, little bit jealous of a virus, I say. Little bit jealous that we've got, we've got Twitter's Zoella on the show today. You know, you're doing great stuff there, Clark Beans. Well worth a follow, Ben Pappy Clark for all your service related moves. You're doing anything about the service crisis from the 1950s, because you're getting a lot ahead of you. I've got loads of stuff about thinking about some boat so you'll love it, you'll love it.

I can't wait, I can't wait. Right, and the other thing I can't wait for is is producer Gwyn to give us the final scores. Tell us how this game is played out. I've got no idea. The scores are very close. Clarke's bonus points doing a lot of heavy lifting today. Like the Thomas who's in Oh yeah, too. The only wish was Dirk had been a heavy licked it. At Tom and Susie, how 12? Ben and John are 13 and a half. Oh my god. Oh, I'm unbelievable.

So Tom and Susie, you've got to change the locks while Ben and John, you get to run your fingers through mine. Thanks to our guest Susie Ruffle and John Robbins. We've been Paffy. See you next time on Flashlaxhae Slander! Flaxhae Slander, featured Matthew Crosby Ben Clark and Tom Perry with special guest Susie Ruffle and John Robbins. It was devised by Paffy's and Ben Walker, technical expertise was by Emma Corsham and

helpful Gwynery Stavis. It was produced by Emma Corsham, big thanks to everyone who watched the show live to zoom in YouTube, you are the digital wind beneath our wings. Paffy's slam. That was a secret dude for Archivic cast and the internet cheers everyone Cheers slam no How you that thank you You and me though Well, there you go nothing nothing wrong with that You know what absolutely a lot of people have been saying there was a lot wrong with it,

but actually you know what? We're going to say now there is nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing. Yeah, I mean, if you've got your complaints, send them in, I'm not going to accept them. You know what I mean? Right, you go to the trouble. Do you go to the trouble of sending them in though? We can't stress that enough. We love the correspondence.

We actually got a message to our papysflatshow at gmail.com address. Oh great email address. About our Stevie Martin episode. Oh yeah. Would you like to hear it? Compl complaints, it's not necessarily a complaint. This is from Brian who writes, tortoises do not drink through their bottoms.

Ah! Ah! I thought this was an amazing fact, so I tried to confirm it with my vet friend. I'm so excited to tell you, it's a myth. Vets usually wore new owners not to believe anything they read about tortoises online as the bum drinking myth is huge on the internet and placing your door tortoises in a bowl of water can actually be dangerous as they could drown.

They drink through their mouths a bit but they mostly hydrate through the water in their food. Any water absorbed into the clowaka is usually because a small vacuum has been generated inside them. However, they squirted out almost straight away. I'm sorry to spoil this otherwise wonderful story. Hope you were able to have fun. Oh my god, this is Chelsea.

Now, we, that was quite a shelf by the way, of course. Oh, a shelf-y boy. shelf-y boy, yeah. So, I know we don't normally do back names, but in Chelsea case, we make an exception. But we really should, I mean, we really should contact Stevie, more importantly than telling the listeners. I need to forward this message on to Stevie, but after we recorded that beef brother's cold cuts with her,

she's asked us to never contact her again. We're never, never, never. What are we doing? Fair enough, that is fair enough. I'm just trying to... It's huge. Printed out tight to a brick through the window, should we find with it? What are you? Tilted to a tall tall.

I think the window. It's absolutely... I know. You can go to the door. You know what though? It's quite nice to have an episode where it's the guest getting something totally wrong. Yeah, that's very much strange.

Well, that's my brother actually mentioned in the family great last night. It was like it talked about like the dodgy animal facts in our podcast. And I was like, what? And just assumed it was me. I was like, oh no, what have I said this time? What facts were you talking about? Well presumably that. It must have been the tortoise thing. Yeah. But he never responded. Do you think this is enough to get a Stevie's legend of lockdown rescinded?

There's gonna be a big fall out of this. Nothing would make Tom happier than to see all of the legends of lockdown stripped of their medals I don't know. I mean, you know, what I'll do is I'll forward this message on to I mean, you know, what I'll do is I'll forward this message onto Stevie, but I'll also see see in Steve Bennett of Jortal. Correct. Exactly. Exactly. At least you can do it. It's the least we can do for tour toises everywhere really.

Get a warning though, he's not, he doesn't reply to emails, I've been emailing him a lot really. I'm getting absolutely nothing back. Well anyway, today's episode was produced as ever by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. May tune for the Patreon Neighborhood Watch Roll call, otherwise we'll see you soon. Cheers everyone. Bye!

Bye! Um, I've got something I would like to say. I can't tell if you're shy or if you're singing. That's part of the reason why I've called the meeting. Okay. It's the meeting the people who are either very shy or in a musical. I'm pleased to do a nurse, and that I used to be shy. I used to hide away. And till I decided that, it was gonna be a different day.

I'm not shy anymore! But I'm not singing either! I've got a condition that I can't quite put my finger on! But please be upstanding for this Patreon neighborhood watch! Roll call! Oh, but he's not shy anymore! He's just got his dick stuck in a drawer! That's why he loves to roll!

He's not shy anymore. It's Tom Page. LAUGHTER Page A. Oh, he's not shy anymore. Because he's got his dick stuck in a sink. And it's causing him problems. talking think causing him problems his name is Alex Jenkins

he's not shy anymore he's got to fix the get the draw get it out is that plea yes it's envy. Why is not shy anymore? He's not heavy anymore. In fact, he's light as a feather. Everybody gather round and take a gander at Darryl Webster!

Oh, she suddenly got shy! Oh, what? She's got shy! She really knows why! She's hiding respect! Her privacy, please! Leave her alone! Her name is Louise! He wasn't shy showing the first place

He's been running around shouting draws on people Don't give him all the blames. He's still a lovely guy. It's James. Oh He's not hairy anymore He's just been shaythan But it's made him shy to be so exposed his name is Dan Craven He wasn't shy, but now he's shy all over because someone slammed his dick in a draw Who was it? Over because someone slammed his dick in a draw Who was it? I'll never name names, but I've got my suspicions that it was a James

I've got a list of suspects They're big they're from Paul to Ronald, but there's one I know before a in fact, it was a... Rosmic Donald! Oh, but they're all big and they're all from Paul to Ronald. It's a big list. It's a list of big people from Paul to Ronald. Ronald being the biggest and we all know it. We arrange our lists in hide order.

Get to the back, Paul! Oh, he's not trying to mow! I'm not mowing. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. It wasn't giant first place. He's been going around giving a good complaint. Everyone wants to show his dick in the drawer. It's done your gold, Swain.

Oh, she's not shy anymore. Oh, she's not shy anymore. And then the news I've been fed about Aliah Muhammad. I'm really shi again! I'm feeling shi all over again And the shainless of Hachty Yeal Because I made a list And all the big ones were fair Stephanie Jennifer Susie 2

Where top of the list was My god I can't get it out himself He's trying to get make a deals with somebody else. It's David Beels. He's somebody else. Oh, David Beels is somebody else. Yeah, David Beels is somebody else. Oh my god, I am not shy anymore. Oh, I'm not shy anymore. I want to tell the world about my life, my dreams, my hopes, my schemes, because I'm not shy anymore. I'm going to walk straight out of the door. I'm going to say, hello world, accept me as I am. Take me for the man I'm ready to meet the person of my dreams and I'm ready to breed. That's right, hunker down with me. Will you breed?

Cause we're not shy anymore. of my dreams and I'm ready to breed. That's right, hunker down with me. William Reed. Cause we're not shy anymore. We're not shy anymore. We're not shy anymore. In the mud, huh? But I'm feeling shy again. I went to my dick with a vegetable peeler. And I went running, now I really can feel a

Repain coursing through my veins With something I'll never do again He's got a vein coursing through his veins He's got veins on veins And it's causing me pain I got veins in my veins and I'm feeling strong But I'm not shining more.

He is not shining more. And I'll tell you something for free. Paul Wheeler is near to me. Now he just looks like he's near because he's so small That's the wrong way round oh Pean in my bean, I'm not pean in my bean, and sold as my friend, Ali Kean. He's like Cheyenne in the North. In the North. Oh.

I like that a lot of that. The end well, that's good, strong stuff in my life. Absolutely concludes today's neighborhood watch Patreon, Rokal. Yeah. That's a lot of yeah. Pretty strong stuff. I love that. Poor things. In select theaters, December 15th.