Pardon My Take - Comedian Pete Holmes + Zion Gave Birth To A Cat

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Zion Williamson blew out his shoe and is injured which is the craziest luck ever because Hank now has to get a Cat (2:27 - 12:02). The fall out from Zion's injury including Rovell's big night and everyone going after the NCAA (12:02 - 26:15). Comedian Pete Holmes joins the show to talk about his HBO show Crashing, stand up comedy, why he didn't vote for Trump, and how much money he makes (26:15 - 67:14). Segments include Embrace Debate, trouble in paradise Kyrie, mike wilbon's name drop, new segment "we read a headline", and listener roasts. You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, Zion Williamson blows through his shoe, what's going to happen to Duke, what's going to happen to Hank and his cat. We also have an awesome interview with comedian Pete Holmes, who joins the show, he's the star of the hit show, crashing on HBO. We do a little roast at the end of the show, which were very funny and an embraced debate,

huge show for you. It's time to talk about the cash card from the Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store for a reason. The Cash Card is the most powerful debit card in the world and the only debit card with boosts, a money saving feature you can't get anywhere else because Cash App invented it. To select a boost in your Cash App, swipe the Cash Card and save 10% or more at Whole Food Shake Shack, Chipotle, Taco Bell, Chick-fil-A, Domino's, and Coffee Shops. Want to go organic without paying for it?

Save 10% on every bag of groceries with the Whole Foods boost. It's not hard to spend $50 at Whole Foods, but it's easy to save $5 if you do. The Coffee Shop boost takes a dollar off at any coffee shop including Dunkin and Starbucks. Buy 200 cups a year, save $200, it's that simple, become a part of the greatest rewards program ever, and get boosted now. Download the Cash App from the App Store or Google Play and order the Cash Card today. You're not an award-winning listener unless you do. Just download it now.

Thank you to our friends at the Cash App. Okay, let's go. Welcome to part of my tape presented by our YouTube channel. Go download or subscribe right now to our YouTube channel. We have hit $24,000, $25,000. Keep subscribing. We've got new stuff coming every day. Today is Friday, February 22nd.

I'm going to do something right now, PFT. I did not discuss this with you, but out of the kindness of our heart, Hank, PFT and I are going to give you one year's supply food for your cat, LeBron Lockwood. Credit to us. Credit to us. You know what? LeBron is actually a great name for a cat. All jokes aside, a cat named LeBron, you can't hate that cat, right Hank?

No, not at all. LeBron Lockwood would be a hilarious name. Unfortunately, there's no chance I'm going to get it. Okay, so let's back up. So Zion Williamson, the big news, obviously, Zion Williamson went out of the Duke UNC game busted through his Nikes. Big hubbub about that, which we will get to. It is unclear how severe his injury was.

The question now turns, will Zion sit out for the rest of the season? Because he is definitely going to be the number one pick. He's going to make so much money with his new shoe deal. Why risk injury and potentially whatever may happen in the rest of the season, why not just sit out, let Duke lose in the tournament, let Hank get a cat, and we can all be happier? That's correct. It's not a question anymore of whether or not Zion will sit out. It's now how long will Zion sit out for?

Is he going to sit out multiple years into his NBA deal until he can get to that second contract and sign with a team of his choosing and get that super max? So I think right now, yeah, Zion is playing it safe. They say he's day to day, but like in reality, we're all day to day. I might wake up tomorrow and not be able to walk anymore. I might have to take a poop and I sit on the toilet too long and my legs go to sleep and I trip over my own feet and hit my head on the ground. So we're all day to day in this life.

I think that Zion, especially for a young man, an outstanding young man who has so much to gain, there's really no point in him playing another second of basketball this year. And that's a good point, PFT, and I'm going to go a little bit further. Why should any guys who are getting drafted in the NBA from Duke play any further? Because if Zion's going to sit out, what's the point, right? You're probably not going to win the title now. So maybe have Kam Reddish sit out, maybe have RJ Barrett sit out. RJ Barrett actually heard his own draft stock by even playing at Duke this year.

He was going to be the number one pick. He plays at Duke and then Zion's better. And so he actually proves that you should never play college basketball for Duke, mind you, for Duke. And maybe just fold the whole Duke program and let everyone else just go to the NBA. I agree. I think that what we'll end up with here in the finals is going to be Kentucky versus Duke or probably in the elite, Kentucky versus Duke and it's just Alex O'Connell against

Brad Calipari because they're all sitting out for the rest of the year waiting for the NBA draft. Hank, one of my favorite things recently about Hank is when he tweets about how AOC is going to save him and the clapbacks that they get from that. That's always a real treat for us. Yeah. People get fired up. They don't understand that I'm tweeting at like at eight o'clock on a random Tuesday

night. They're like, fuck you. They get all politics Twitter on me. I don't even know what they're talking about. AOC. It's a hot topic. So Hank, we're sitting here right now, Zion. We don't know.

It's they say one to two weeks, but the discussion like the basically the debate has raged on in the sports media world. Should he sit out for the rest of the season, which I'll give a real take on, but I want to hear what you have to think right now. Personally, there's a couple of things. The first one, I actually agree with Zion not playing like if you're the number one guaranteed number one draft pick, like everyone's seen what he can do. He's proved himself like there's nothing left to prove really to be the number one

draft pick. So it's different than like RJ Barrett, Cam Reddish, who like are still, you know, like they play well. That affects their draft. He did have something to prove people who are doing the revisionist history being like, why did Zion even play one game for Duke? That's crazy to me because he was dunking on a bunch of like five short, five, eight white dudes in high school.

And you need to know that if he can play with the step up in competition and he proved it like with obviously insane grades, he was the best player in the country right now. And NBA players, analysts alike, they're all, they're all in agreement that he's like the guy for NBA. He's the guy. So he's the future. So there's no reason for him to keep playing. I'm fine with that.

I almost agree with it. It's like, if he plays, that'll be great. If he doesn't play, this is where I was getting so much enjoyment from these hilarious cat gifts that people keep tweeting me every time I say anything. It's very unfair. So funny. You guys are hilarious. Very original.

Not mad. No. Duke has won national championships with way worse talent and without like, obviously they lost last night when you lose your best player that shell shocks a team is tough to come back from right away. But coach K is the best coach in college basketball. He's going to now have two months to get this team with the number two and number three recruit in the nation.

Alex O'Connell, top five player in the nation, in my opinion, I would say, yeah, AOC. Yeah. Got the green new deal coming out. That's going to be big for everybody. So I would say is a better coach than coach K, by the way. Yeah. How many that's a terrible take. What what what?

No, I just like track. We're going to distress is better. All right. Okay. Yeah. If you'll listen to me, I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now. I think I think that he's been pushed to the next level by Mac Brown, who came into Chapel

Hill trying to one up him in the Argyle department and Roy Williams said no, no sport. Not on my watch. I'm wrong. Williams. I'm going to be dead gum. Good dress. So I really like Roy Williams. But yes, you're right.

Okay. My only qualm that I have with what you just said, Hank, was the fact that you're trying to just Patriots your way into Duke winning the national championship because you happen to be correct about, you know, Josh Gordon and his misstep earlier this year. And the last play against the Dolphins being the start of the DVD, you're saying that, you know what, losing Zion, this is actually going to be and then getting blown out by your arch nemesis at home. Like you don't think that coach is going to be using that as a motivation for the rest

of the year. Like you guys don't have Zion. You can't win. You don't design. You can't win. Duke's players probably won't even get to wear the, any of their shirts or shorts for the next. Probably not.

He's going to get him fired up. Yeah. It's the same. Well, you failed for some reason. You failed to see it with the Patriots. It's the same thing though. They have the better coach. They have time and they have the talent to win.

And I'm not worried. Like there's no, everyone's acting like, oh, they lost a player in February. The season's over. Like that's not the case whatsoever. Yeah. That happens to be the best player in the country. That's true. So, and like, without, obviously, you know, in a world where Zion Williamson doesn't exist,

like imagine that Jay-Z is not coming to games in February. Like Barack Obama is not sitting courtside. LeBron's not coming to games, but they would still, this team without Zion Williamson still like a top 10 team. They'd be contending. They'd probably have a similar record. Like there would still be, I would still feel confident about them doing, performing well in the tournament.

So like just because they lost Zion Williamson, I'm not going to be like, oh fuck, I have to get a cat. Not worried. But the demo would be more likely to be there without a Zionist presence. That's just my take. Ooh. All right. So, so the, so Zion, like, like I said, it all became the big topic.

Like should Zion sit out? It's funny too, because then everyone, it starts doing the one and done thing, which is stupid. I think the one and done thing is going to be done soon. Boogie cousins like ripped it, saying college is bullshit. No need for college. And which is kind of weird because people have all their anger for NCAA, but the NBA is what created the one and done rule, but that's totally aside.

I think, I think Zion should sit and then come back for the tournament. And in the words of Billy McFarlane, just fuck it. Let's be legends because there is something to be said for the NCAA tournament for winning a national title. Like, you know, it might even be the peak of your career, Carmelo Anthony. So it's, it's one of those things where 31 three Olympics. Yeah.

It's not the same. For four. Oh, four. The game is like a random citrus bowl or something where a bunch of guys sit out for the draft. This is still like, you know, you're playing in the tournament, it's, it means something culturally. It means something for legacy, all that stuff. And it means something just as an inner competitor, which I think Zion has.

So I think that would be the move. But I'd also have no problem. I have no problem with whatever Zion does because it's his fucking life. I think I want to play. I could see a situation where coach K is the one that's like, you probably shouldn't play and Zion's going to play. I want to play. Oh, shut up.

I'm saying for, I'm saying for like, shut up. That's not true. He's gonna, I'm saying the tournament like he's gonna, he had to be convinced into letting Luol Deng two days. He had to be talked into letting Luol Deng go to the NBA so that he could send millions of dollars back home to like starving communities. Like I don't think that coach K is going to be like, you know what, tell you what, Zion, this one's on the house.

You go ahead. You've done enough for me. I don't think that's going to happen. So I think he'll probably support it and he'll be vocal. I'm saying like, it's like Zion's camp is going to be like, we want to take away the risk of getting hurt before playing in the NBA and coach K is going to be like, we'll take away the risk of playing in the regular season and then you play in the tournament. That's what I was getting.

I actually think that's the best, that would be the best course of action because I do think March Madness still means something, but the other thing that happened, we had a few things. So it was like one of those nights where 33 seconds into the game, he blows through his shoe and Twitter erupted no, no more so than, uh, our friend, well, not really our friend, Darren Ravel going, a person we know, a person we know going insane on Twitter and he was on fire. He was absolutely on fire talking about how much people paid to see Zion play 33 seconds,

talking about Nike stock going down, talking about how bad of a look this is for Nike, the Paul Georges, which I play ball in. So it could have been me, all these tweets. And then people were roasting him. So it was basically a roast of Hank and Darren Ravel last night. Yeah. This was Darren Ravel Super Bowl. I would actually say that like, if you're Darren Ravel, you should be able to get insurance

like Zion has. You should get insurance for every single year, just in case a player doesn't break an expensive piece of Nike equipment on national television because that did so much for Darren's personal draft stock last night. Like his engagement rate was through the roof. It was, it was nuts. Like him talking about Nike stock going down the next day, like thoughts and prayers to them.

It was just like, it was a clinic. Yeah. Thoughts and prayers to the huge corporation that might have a slight dip at 9am on Thursday. Well, first of all, let me say that buying a pair of Paul George sneakers and then expecting your knee to not explode. That's like buying, it's like buying firecrackers from JPP. Yeah. Right.

Like don't, if you want a good knee, then I don't know. Maybe switch to some Kobe's. Maybe switch to some LeBron's. I don't know. Kobe's come with the, the surgery he got in Germany that still is suspect. The best, the, the, the best, yeah, the, the best tweet by far was Ravel saying 39 number of days Duke students camped out in, in KVIL to get Duke UNC tickets, 33 number of seconds Zion Williamson played in the game.

Whoa. If they don't do that every year, right, right, like, what are you talking about? So Hank, I want to just say as someone who also got bullied online last night, you and Ravel are kind of the same guy now. That's not true at all. But I do, I can, I can't relate to Ravel like he, you know, he was mad at people like he, the water cooler joke has been beaten in the grounds to always have kind of attacked the social media and like, I can relate.

Last night I just, I was just trying to send out my thoughts and I couldn't even, couldn't even collect my thoughts because I was getting over flown in my message. Like you guys have destroyed my entire tour experience. Hold on. By the way, by the way, we just listen enough with the targeted harassment towards him. Please. Hey, you got seriously. It's not fun anymore.

It's not funny. Honestly. It's not funny. And by the way, that we should just note that Darren Ravel can come on this podcast if he sends a video to Hank appealing his suspension of pardon my take yesterday to appeal directly to Hank in a video form. But we should take a step back and just realize how ridiculous this whole thing is that we created this stupid.

Did you see the ratio of my stupid? Yeah. It was insane. Right. Stupid, insane bet about a cat and not two days later, sideways and blows out his shoe. Like it hurts his knee. This is the dumbest luck we have ever had on this podcast. Yeah.

I mean, and yeah, you're, you're talking about a podcast that had Tiger Woods like accidentally call back into it. Yeah. Right. And Michael Jordan pick up a phone call on it. I think that this is definitely more lucky than any of those things. But yeah, it was like a perfect storm of shit. And you know what?

It made me really want like, okay, first I started to think that we should start a part of my take sports business analyst account where we just, we do like Darren Ravel style takes on everything. But what I really want, I think is a Ravel throughout history Twitter account. So like what would, what would Ravel tweet the night after the Titanic sank? Yeah. Like, oh, as bleak as times may be, this is going to make $2 billion for Paramount pictures one day.

The Hindenberg, the newspaper sales off the charts. Yeah. The Hindenberg blows up blimp, blimp stock is going to be going down. Check your stock market tomorrow morning. I wouldn't be shocked if Nazi blimps are going down. I want to see how much box seats cost for my American cousin and a stovepipe hat. How much was a stovepipe pipe hat that John Wilkes Booth shot a bullet through? I want to know those facts.

Oh man. That would be, we should, someone's going to create it. So someone do the workforce. Two other things I wanted to wrap up before we get to our interview. We have Dickie V chiming in, which we talked about last podcast that I am officially on. I'm worried about Dickie V watch and today didn't help because he is, he basically, I think someone told him that Zion's sitting out the rest of the year, which is not the case because he went on an absolute spree about millennials and how stupid everyone

is. And then he had this one. I am, he tried to say so, but he typed it SP. I am SP fed up with those that preach to be selfish, quit, count the cash. Hey, no problem. If that is the goal, then just do not put a college uniform on this me, me, me mentality sucks all caps, which in the Dickie V world, that's a swear word. He just swore on my feet.

So I'm going to have to block him on Twitter. Okay. Yeah. That's tough. He needs to realize that there are kids out there that read his tweets. That's number one, but I do think that this is as alive as I've seen Dickie V in the last couple of years. True.

True. So like he, at least he's animated about something, at least he's passionate about something. Like he could have been ranting this to his waitress at Hooters down in Tampa, but instead he's got, he feels need what? He doesn't go to Hooters. He goes, he goes to every meal with the Schwab and his wife and they go to the same. I've actually like know the place very well because of his periscopes. He did a national advertisement campaign for Hooters.

Right. But he doesn't eat there. He eats it only the finest establishments. Not the Hooters. Oh Hooters. So, and then finally shout out to our friend, recurring guest, Carlos Boozer, who gave thoughts and prayers to Zion National Parks last night, which was such a fucking, that's such a perfect Carlos Boozer tweet.

Like he is, that is Carlos Boozer. I'm going to hop on Twitter. I'm going to get, I'm going to send out some love for my Duke brother. Whoops. It's actually a national park in Utah. Yeah. That was, that was pretty great. All time mix up.

But then I think I saw the park system kind of played back into it. They're not on furlough anymore. They were like, yeah, you know, it's been a tough winter. We've had more snowfall than usual, but you know, we're, we're looking to get back on the right track. Thanks Carlos. Yeah. So this, it was, I mean, all day it's been just the same like Zion has basically lit

a fire in the sports world where everyone has to talk about the NCAA. We've said this before on the podcast, but it's crazy to me. We're not smart enough to figure out the NCAA, not being able to pay players, but someone has to be smart enough because every single time this discussion comes up, everyone's like, well, it's too hard of a problem to figure out. It's like, how do we just keep doing that? How can not like fucking Nate Silver figure it out, dude? Like I've got a very easy, easy solution to this.

It probably won't work, but it's easy. And that's just like their Venmos are always open or excuse me, their cash app accounts are always open, correct. Always public. And then just anybody that watches them that wants to give them money. If they do an awesome dunk in a game, if they tear through a shoe and get Darren Ravel on a fucking heater on Twitter and it makes everybody's nights so much better and you want to kick the guy a little bit of money, it's just like tipping your way, tipping your

server or your bartender at a restaurant. Like I would last night watching that game, if I knew what Zion's Venmo account or our cash app account was, I would probably send 20 bucks. So just like open it up to the general public. The other one that I just never understand is why can't they just figure out a way that you can go to the NBA straight out of high school. But if you're not a lottery pick, you keep all your eligibility and the team that drafts you keeps your rights.

And then doesn't that like, didn't that fix a lot of the stuff? Like a guy can basically, if they, if they, if they get the wrong information, if they get told by the wrong people that they're going to be a lottery pick and they end up being the 28th pick in the draft, the team, the Milwaukee bucks pick them. And then they're like, you know what, we don't have a spot for you right now. Go play college basketball in a year. We still own your rights and you can come back and play. That's very complicated to me.

Yeah. I don't know. We're starting to, we're starting to get into like the different rules of the, the cat ownership bet. And that's already over my head. If I can't keep track of whether or not Hank's getting a cat or not, I can't keep track of a lottery. Yes, you are.

He's not worried. Official statement from Hank's camp. He is not worried. I'm actually more excited. Like it makes it more fun to root for it's going to be more fun drinking your tears. Like you guys are going to be, imagine how miserable you were already going to be when they win the national championship by 20. Like now that this happens and you guys got the excitement of me getting the cat, like

it's going to be so much worse for you. Okay. That's fine. But you know what? Either way, everyone who listens to this podcast wins because that's kind of what these bets are. Like the poop bet, the pinky bet, this bet, it's now every, not that Duke wasn't appointment television before, but now things like this become even more because Hank is going to

have to get a cat. And that's like 18, 20, you know what's going to be sad PFT I thought about? The day that Hank's cat dies in 20 years, it will be like, we'll have to have a huge memorial service for LeBron Lockwood, the part of my take cat. Don't do that. Don't do that. But you know what the worst part about a cat funeral is? A miserable life dying in a kennel instead of like taking it and giving it some love

for a few years. You don't want me to do that. No. Hank, no, I do want you to kind of get an old cat because they will be much, much messier and smellier. But like a cat funeral, you don't realize you have to have nine coffins or you have to do it nine times because they all, all nine lives are expired. I just want to make one addendum to what you said earlier, big cat.

You did not consult me about buying the cat food, but I'm okay with that. Yeah, I thought it was at least we could do it. That's very sweet. And I agree that we should do it. I just want one stipulation. It's wet cat food. Ooh. So not the dry stuff.

So we're just getting a lot of cans of cat food. Yeah. You know what? We're going to make sure this cat's really taken care of. We're going to just buy Hank 365 tuna cans. Okay. Deal. I'm in.

Deal. There you go, Hank. Thanks. That's pretty nice. All right. Let's get to our interview. We got Pete Holmes, comedian Pete Holmes. He's got, he's the star of the HBO show, crashing.

Very, very funny guy. We had him in studio a couple of weeks ago and had a really good interview with him. Pete Holmes is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the best resource that you can find for creating your own beautiful professional website. I know what you're thinking. That sounds like it's too hard and too complicated. Well, it's not.

Squarespace has it nailed. They have developed a beautiful, easy to use drag and drop user interface with fantastic designer templates that allow you to create amazing websites quickly and easily. Showcase your work. If you know how to do normal things on a computer, like add a picture to an email. If you know how to move files around, drag and drop stuff, you can create a fantastic website and you can use this website to sell products and services of any kind, promote you physical or online business, announce an upcoming event or special project.

It's the possibilities are absolutely endless. And like I said, it's very, very easy. That's what Squarespace does for you. It makes it easy for you to have a website that's beautiful and works great. It's free and secure hosting, nothing to patch or upgrade ever and 24 seven award winning customer support. Why are you waiting? Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know because you need a website.

Go get one and make it yourself. And here's the best part. You can try that out for free. What? Yes, for free. You can try Squarespace out for free when you go to squarespace.com slash PMT for free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code PMT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

We also are brought to you by our friends at Casper. Listen, Casper has the best mattresses out there. End of story. I should end the ad right now, but I'm not going to because I'm going to keep telling you about Casper and how great they are. The original Casper mattress combines multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep surface. I'm not going to tell you about Casper and how great they are.

The original Casper mattress combines multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep surface with the right amount of both sink and bounce breathable design helps you sleep cool and regulate your body temperature throughout the night. That's a big deal for me. I run really hot at night and the Casper keeps me cool. Casper offers two other mattresses, the Wave and the Essential. The Wave features a patent pending premium support system to mirror the natural shape of your body.

The Essential has a streamlined design at a price that won't keep you up at night. It's awesome too because they get delivered right to your house. It's fun to open. You don't have to go shop at a mattress store and do that whole song and dance. You can do it online with Casper. You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. Yes, that's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. That's awesome.

Check it out. We all sleep on Casper. We actually just got upgraded to Casper's and we love them. Try it right now. Go and try out your Casper at Casper.com slash PMT. Using that PMT at checkout, you can get $50 towards your select mattresses. Go right now again, Casper.com slash PMT. It's affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to you.

Hassell-free returns, if you don't like it, delivered right to your door. Like I said, Casper has it all, free shipping and returns in the US and Canada. What more do you want out of a mattress? Oh, how about 20,000 reviews and an average of 4.8 stars across Casper, Amazon, and Google? Casper is becoming the internet's favorite mattress. Go right now, Casper.com slash PMT. Casper.com slash PMT, get $50 towards your select mattress and you get that 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial, Casper.com slash PMT.

Here he is, Pete Holmes. We now welcome on a very, very funny man. He is a funny man. He's a comedian. You're going to tell us some jokes, right? No. Make me laugh. So it's Pete Holmes.

His series crashing is out on Sunday, the new season, season three. Very funny show. I've watched the first two seasons. Thanks, man. And we just said you got the screener. I have the screener. So you're on the in. So if anyone wants to buy the screener off me, it is for sale.

Imagine if there were sports screeners that you could watch a season of baseball before anyone else. Well, watch the Super Bowl before it comes out. There's like a fat guy that stands up in front of you during a play. You're like, Hey, this shouldn't be on there. Yeah. I mean, you could make the argument. All sports are scripted.

So yeah, why not? Are they scripted? I mean, yeah. Stay well. Stay well. You guys are fun. Yeah, that's exactly it. We're in your basement.

Like we're all in high school. That's how the vibe we like. We're talking about Alex Jones. That's info scores. Yeah. Everything is controlled by the Manning family and, uh, and Chris Jenner killing it in the suit. All right.

So Pete Holmes crashing. Check it out. And I don't mean I won't tell jokes. I was just kind of going with it. No. A lot. Well, funny man. Funny man.

Funny man. Funny, right? I'm not going to say another word until you see it. I don't mean this is a nightmare. I mean, this is a literal nightmare. Yeah. Like this mismatch duo. Start with your best material.

Start with your worst material that you're working out. Actually, that's it. We'll, we'll judge it. That's a good question. What's the worst joke you've ever told? I remember it. I went on stage. I thought it would make sense.

I just go, my name is Pete. Some of you might recognize me. Some of you might be cognizing me for the first time. That's a terrible joke. Oh, I guess. Yeah. Read. Re-cognizing.

Yes. Yes. You might be, you might re-cognize me. Okay. Maybe you're cognizing me for the first time. Yeah. That's a shitty joke. I know.

And that's before I started blazing the chronum. So what the fuck do you think I'm writing down now? That joke's so bad. It actually is. It's good because it makes you think like, do I not get it? No. Yeah. You get it.

It's just bad. I have one like that now where I go the Woody doll in Toy Story 3 when you pull his string. He goes, there's a snake in my boot. And I'm like, his boots are glued on. Yeah. That's terrible. What a nightmare.

He's got a snake in his glued on boot. You judged it too soon, Chicago. So wait. So okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. This is actually perfect.

We're going to save this for the end. We were going to save this for the end, but let's do it right now because we wanted to pitch you a show. I love it. Okay. And I'm in. You ready? Because, yeah.

It's called sorry, not and sorry. Sorry, not and sorry. Okay. I get it. I think I get it. Okay. So it's similar to crashing that it's the life of a comedian, but the comedian is the opening act for Louis C.K. and Aziza and Sorry trying to do an apology tour around America.

Sorry, not and sorry. Yes. Yeah. I think the title needs work. Okay. No, no, no. Let's push up this. Hey, I'm tapping the end.

Yes. And can you see K. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. And sorry. Not sorry. Let's move the end. Sorry to the front. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. And sorry, not and sorry. Can't you see K? It's not the best disease on sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, you haven't. Oh, really? I've heard about the show.

Yeah. Tell me. How about this? F-U-C-K. Yeah. That works too. I saw that tweeted. Oh, really?

Show that? Absolutely not. Excuse me. In fact, can I tell you this? Yeah. I think you guys might enjoy this. I don't even have to tweet. I feel like nine times out of 10 when people are like, joke thief.

I'm like, is the joke so fucking magical? Right. You just said F-U-C-K. And if you tweeted that, people would be like, you stole that from this guy. I'm like, suck. Get the fuck out of my dick face. You know what I'm saying? Get the fuck out of my dick face.

You think two human beings, that's what I'm saying. That's the catchphrase of this podcast. I know. Yes. And I stole it on purpose. You know what I mean? People like Greg Fitzsimmons is a great comic. He's one of the writers on Crashing.

And he was like, somebody was talking about how they stole my fountain bit. My bit about fountains. And I was like, do the bit. In fact, don't do the bit. Is it this? Yeah. And he was like, it's kind of that. I'm like, yes.

We all have the same thought. If you get 10 comedians in a room, go write a joke about fountains. Someone's going to go, that's how rich our country is. We throw money in water. Right. That's just the angle. Right. So everybody on the internet, there's a popular show.

I'm happy to get this out there. Cool it on calling. I agree. On my last special, me and Nate Bargatze both have a bit about shaken baby syndrome. And just because it was the same premise, they were like, you stole it. Right. Like, guys, Nate's a friend. Fuck off.

We don't do that. Right. That's like suicide in our careers. Is there a moment that someone actually has stolen something from you though? Like legit stolen. That's interesting. I'm always very liberal. Even if some people sometimes text me, they're like, I'm in Cleveland and this guy did this

bed. Look, it's your bed. And I'm like, kind of. Right. You know what I mean? Okay. So basically. You can have my material.

Let's look at your material. Yeah. So you're an easy marker on over. Buddy, if you want my Woody from Toy Story 3 bit. I'm using that one. Bless you. Cognizance. Recon.

Get it. Oh my Jesus. If ever I've left it. Okay. Do you know I started in Chicago? Yeah. You're all over the place. Yeah.

I have your Wikipedia literally in front of me right now. Don't do that. That's all the. What is this? Chico and the toilet. Did you. Welcome to WCRBB. Chico and the toilet.

So you were born in March. Which one? Get out of here. Am I the toilet? You're supposed to be legit. Yeah. You're not the toilet. Is that what you're trying to say?

No. Come on. I'm. Denied. I actually did a class once in Second City. And then I left at like the piss break halfway through the first. You were out. I paid for like six of them.

And it was just too many. There were like kids that were 22 and I was. Who was teaching class? I don't know. Artie Lang. Piss break. Oh yeah. Well, so I got my Artie story.

Yeah. I can't wait. So I got Artie. So in crashing. Artie is. Artie Lang is in crashing. And it's. We should go back up a little crashing.

Is a semi autobiographical story. Semi erotic. Okay. Yeah. Well, we got to. I have another question. You're funny. So.

Artie is in it. He's, you know, it's the life of a stand up comedian trying to make it in New York City. Yes. And there's a scene where he just no shows. Like a couple. Right. Like very important. Artie.

Because Artie is an addict. He actually was very helpful in writing that episode. Yeah. And if you believe it or not, me and Judd Apatow who produces the show. We were like, Artie, how do you lie to people. To steal away and do heroin, not to be funny, to be real. Right. And he was like, I do this, I do this, I do this.

And we wrote it into the episode. He was like a co creator of that episode. Yeah. So I watched, it was almost like the exact same time I was watching that episode that we were trying to get Artie on the podcast or something we were doing with Joe Buck. And I talked to Artie's people. I had the car. They had called him a car.

We had everything set up. Yeah. Artie doesn't show. Yeah. And then like maybe eight hours later, he texts and is just like, I'm so sorry. I saw through it. Yeah. And I was like, well, I guess the crashing is very true to form.

There's a lot of, you know, it's a disease. It really is. I'm not trying to be correct or polite. It's a fucking disease. Yeah. And nobody wants to get over it more than Artie. And you can feel that sincerity coming off of them, but it's got you. It gets you by the, he says it's like breathing.

Right. So he's like, say, if you say, don't do heroin, he's like, that's like saying, don't breathe. Don't breathe. Yeah. Don't get this out as much as I can. Don't fuck with that shit. Don't fuck with opioids. Yeah.

It really gets you. No, it is. So stick to meth. So the whole, yeah. So the whole. You could have said weed. Yeah, weed. P.F.T.

Legalizer. P.F.T. So the whole story. You look like you got Sudafenz. You look like you're at the final table of the world series of poker. Yeah. I should get those dinosaur glasses. You remember that guy?

Yeah. You always keep the glasses on. Yeah, I do. I got a glaucoma thing going on. Do you really? Oh, great. So I was going to, I didn't realize, I guess I didn't. No, actually, I'm just Nassel.

I don't think you're Nassel. I just want to see those beautiful green, blue, Irish eyes. I didn't get. I assume it. I didn't put it all together that the crashing was really your life, because I was going to ask before you came in, what did you do to like practice being a guy who gets cocked? Yeah. But then that actually happened.

When Twitter people call me a cock, I'm like, that's just literal. Yeah. I didn't realize that. You're a fucking cock. I'm like, yeah, that's been true for a decade. My wife fucked another big old dick. Damn. And I can't argue with that.

Do you live with a guy after like you did in crashing? No, no, no. Okay. TV is so interesting because we had the guy on crashing, very, very different style of guy than the real life guy. That cocked you. That cocked me. You couldn't wait.

He was a real guy. He was a real guy. He was like a little Italian guy. He was kind of like, oh. Did he have like hair and just jewelry? He was. He looked. Oh, no.

He wasn't like that. But he wasn't. He wasn't what I'm not. That's why she's better. I liked him. I'm being real. I like it. You're right.

Yeah. If she left me for another soft, doughy, lift-away-ing. Do it with cognizance jokes. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? You made it better with cognizance. Yes. Yes.

Right. That's exactly right. She went for like a man's man. And God bless her. And God bless. I mean that sincerely. But on the show, the guy that cocks me is like a hippie. His name is Leaf.

He's played by George Basil. Yeah. And he's just so fucking funny. You can't introduce that guy and then just be like, and then Pete did what you would do and never talk to him again. You gotta, and that's all Judd. He's like, they have to become friends. Right.

And you won, though, because you made a story out of it and a really good show out of it. That's interesting. You're so sports. You got the last laugh. Even in life. How do you do it? When the buzzer went off, you were ahead. You were ahead.

When you're doing a show like that, is it more, is it actually like therapeutic for you to get that all out in the open? Or is it just like, as comedians, sometimes we just use laughs to cover up what's underneath? I think you could do it either way. But it is therapeutic. We do these scenes with completely lifted from my life. Fights I've had with girlfriends, fights I've had with my parents, and we're redoing them. And you're in it.

You're fighting. You're swearing. You're having this very surreal, almost like black mirror moment. And then someone goes, cut. And then you go like, oh, wow, it's like the most expensive therapy, and HBO is paying for it. It's fucking crazy. You're like how I tossed in that wee, as in wee comedians.

Yeah. I like that. And you just went right along with it. That made me feel really good. Yeah. I'm not done staying up. I've not done staying up. I bet you'd be great.

I don't know about that. You're not into it? I have a weak bladder. I'm like Jim Bayheim when I get under spotlight. It's not for you. But you like doing this? Yeah, I like doing this a lot. Because it's just me and my buddy.

I understand. Hang out. Yeah, nobody listens to it. Hang out or hang out. These aren't even plugged in. If you just walk around Wrigleyville. Do people ask you for a ticket? Yeah.

Definitely. Well, the Wrigleyville's changed now. It's become very young. It's all corporate. Yeah, it is. I know, dude. I was in Chicago in 2001. They tore down everything.

The Cubby Bear across. Yeah. It's still there. It's one of the first places I did stand out. The Taco Bell's gone right next to it. No more bell. Sad. No more bell.

Very sad. No more bell. Pennies, noodles. Yes, the best. Fucking great. I used to struggle with my weight. But I used to order Chinese food for my favorite Chinese place. And then like the one dish I liked from Pennies.

So I'd get like two different places. Which one? Hot pepper noodles. Hot pepper noodles. And then the Krabber and Goons. Two soft guys. Yeah. Hot pepper noodles.

Don't struggle with your weight, your Chicago. Yeah, I mean, it's tough. It's up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. So, wait, I want to talk about crashing though for a second. I love that.

This is the only interview that people have. No, but it's not about the show. Well, no, because you just said that a lot of it is like from your real life. And your character in crashing, which is you, you have that ability to do. It's almost like you can only see it maybe curb is the same way where it is so cringe-worthy sometimes that you like, I can't watch this. That's right. I'm watching it underneath a blanket.

That's the whole message. It's like anybody that was doing standup or even interested in pursuing any type of dream that one of the underlying themes of crashing is if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. Right. It's not like, this sucks. Why me? It's no, this sucks.

I'm in the club. Right. Like that's the path. Like everyone that did it. Dimitri Martin used to tell me Jim Gaffigan, Bill Burr, they're all like, if you're shitting in your pants and think you're a fraud, you're on the right track. So what was the lowest point in your comedy career? Like coming up because I always am curious about that.

Standup comedians put themselves out there in such an incredible way. Well, what's interesting is you're never immune from it. It doesn't matter. Like I could go to a club tonight and yeah, maybe half the crowd might go like, oh, it's the guy from crashing. Some of them might be like, I don't know, it looks like Renee's Elwiger is here. It's like a confusing time for them. But there's a moment of grace and then I'm just as susceptible to a bomb, maybe even

more so than some people. So like comedy never. I think there is probably a sports analogy here. It's a little bit like golf, I suppose, and that you can't master it. Right. You could be the greatest golfer in the world or the greatest standup in the world. You could go up and totally eat a shit sandwich. And that's why it's almost like superstition.

I don't want to talk about the worst moments because I'm like, for all I know, it's tonight. Right. Like I'm doing Colbert in two hours. I might eat shit. Nice brass. So when you're going on stage, let's say that you're you're doing. There's like a line up with like both did it. I mean, you did sneak it in.

You got a good cop, bad cop. One of you should be nice bragging. No, I'm very happy for you. That's awesome. Are you going to declare that you're home for president too? Because that's what they've done like the last three people on that show. Is that true? Yeah.

Tough back to follow. You should just declare it. Just be like, fuck it. I'll toss my hat in the ring. I'll host the Oscar. What's on your rider? This water. That's it.

It's pretty sweet. The Mountain Valley Spring Water. Yeah, get that out there. Send me some free Mountain Valley. Okay. When you're doing well and fruit. Fruit. Send you fruit.

What would you guys have? I stopped dreaming them. Yeah, just socks. Just like two new. You know, it's funny. New pair of socks. Dude, Colbert. Yeah.

There's socks in the gift bag. No shit. You know what? You love it. It's a great gift. Yeah. You never know you want it. But your feet are never as good as you want them to be.

You should put scratch tickets on your. That would be funny. Like, hey, I want a bunch of lottery tickets. This is Kate. One of my publicists. She could make that happen. The gift that keeps on giving. Did you imagine?

Mac, Mad Dog. If you want to meet. Mad Dog 2020. You know who has a great rider? I was doing a college the week after LL Cool J was there. This is 10 years ago. Another brag. I just said this is 10 years ago so you would know that I wasn't shit.

Not that I'm shit now. I'm just saying, come on. LL Cool J. Dude, I name dropped the Lincoln restaurant and you're still fucking with me. Put down your arms. Same side. Okay. All right.

I'm teasing. So anyway, LL Cool J had been there the week before and they were like, his rider is a full Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, that's awesome. And that's all it says. And he wouldn't go on because there was no pumpkin pie. Oh my God. There was apple pie.

That's well, yes. And he said, where's the pumpkin pie? And the show was delayed as long as it took a quivering college student to drive to a market and find a pumpkin pie. We got to get LL Cool J a cornucopia or he won't take the stage. LL loves. He wants a bountiful horn of plenty. A horn of plenty.

Yes. HOP. LL loves HOP. That's amazing. If you're doing like a show with a stacked lineup, you're talking about like comparing sports to comedy. Yeah, sure. Is there any element of you that's like, I want to be better than this guy?

I want to be. I don't want to kick this guy's ass. Or just, you know. Are you a secret genius? Yeah. Is that your deal? No, it is actually. It is.

I knew it. I knew it. This is all right. Nothing to see here. This is our last episode. I know. The big reveal. That was it.

The worst reveal of all time. It took me a really, really long time. If I had done this show maybe 10 years ago, I would have told you I don't like sports because I don't like competition. But the truth is, I love competition. I just, I guess now I admire that athletes are honest about how competitive they are. Whereas weirdos from fucking New England like me that don't think it's polite to say you want to do better than the guy before you and the guy after you, act like a sweetheart,

just like the guy on crashing. But secretly, yeah, you want to tear the place down. You want the guy to go up. It's like, I remember Gears and Keeler wrote this thing about how pitchers want to embarrass the batter. And they have to come to terms with that. It's cruel. Not only do you want to strike them out, you want them to strike out swinging.

And you have to get in touch with that part of you. And so do stand-ups. There is a competitive. You're playing you against the audience or you against the show. And obviously it's good to be kind to everybody. But when you're up there, there's something athletic going on. What about if you're the opener? Isn't there like a rule that you're not supposed to steal the main guy's laughs?

Isn't that great? And then if you do it, you're like, haha, deal with that. So is that a real thing? Is that a real thing? Totally. We deal with that in an episode of Crashing this season, which you'll see before anybody. Got the screener, no big deal. We're two comedians getting a fight.

And then she does something called Burning Premises, where let's say I know you're acting and I'm going before you. And you have all these jokes about fucking submarine sandwiches. Yeah, yeah. You know, whatever it might be. That was me there. That wasn't a fat joke. It sounded like a fat joke.

What I really like in my sandwich, it's better than my material. Talking about woody dolls. I'm a fucking hack. I need your material. But whatever you're talking about, the Midwest. And then if I know that, I'd go up and either do bits that sabotage the thoughts or just straight up ruin the joke. Damn. And that's called burning someone's premises.

And you're not supposed to do that. OK, the opener is also not supposed to do crowd work. You're supposed to save that for the headliner. And a lot of people don't follow that. We're going to get back to beat homes in just a second. But first, I want to talk to you guys about Spotify. February isn't just about one super sized football game on Spotify. There's thousands of free sports podcasts that agonize over the pre seasons,

off seasons and plain old regular seasons of nearly every sport imaginable. Basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, curling, even hurling. Yep, that's a real sport. Now it's so easy to stay updated with the latest trade rumors, predictions and scorching hot takes from some of your favorite games, biggest names. So take it one episode at a time. Give 110 percent of your attention to thousands of free sports podcasts on Spotify after you listen to part of my take,

because the best offense is a great podcast. And now more beat homes. What's a hack? I mean, a hack is somebody we're all a little bit hard. Yeah, it's OK to have a it's like fluoride in natural water. A little dose is a little bit is OK. Well, like a vaccination. This is spring. No, no, Swat. Come on.

Info wars swallowing Florida does not help your teeth. It controls your pineal gland and makes you complacent. But fluoride does occur naturally in spring water. And that's about as much hackness you can have. Hacks just means like premises that anyone could think, you know what I mean? Sometimes people will pitch me a joke and I'm like, yeah, my mom would write that joke like no offense. But like you can't do something that the audience is like.

There's just need comedy, too. That's true. And they have, you know, Caroline Ray. Yeah, I guess she's so around. Yeah, sure. Drinking wine. She's great. But, you know, there's a good way that the audience can go. This guy's reading my mind is problematic. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Hashtag. Yeah. There's a good way that the audience can be like this guy's saying things I thought, like, shit, I thought I was the only one.

And then there's a bad way where you're like, yeah, it is annoying when there's a baby on a plane. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. No, that's good. It's workshop. That's workshop. Because it's crying. I did a sketch on my old. It's best for both control.

Traveling next to a baby. That's good. There you go. See, you're smart. It's not easy to think of a hack. That's good. Yeah. I did a sketch on my old talk show called baby safe and it was a safe. You can put your baby in. OK. And then there was travel baby safe, which is like a portable safe. And if your baby's crying on a plane, you put the baby in the safe,

spin the combo and put it in the overhead. And now that I have a baby, I don't find that. They have those. They have those for dogs in Brooklyn. I think they actually got rid of them. They had these little like dog houses that you could lock your dog in while you go and get a cup of coffee. Well, that's just a crate. Yeah.

No, but it was it's sitting on the street. They got rid of them because I think people are like, I'm not putting my dog in there. What if it doesn't open? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's like a refrigerator. There's always a story of someone getting trapped in a fridge in a garbage pile. Yeah. What do you think is a fun to your premise?

You're your baby safe or you're shaking baby bit? Because they both have a lot of promise. Promise. What am I already filmed? Workshop. OK. I already filmed it. It's done. Where did you film it? On my HBO Spurge, you were saying it was promise.

You give those to anyone. I don't think you meant to that. Maybe you did. That is the funniest way to tell someone to go fuck themselves that I've ever heard. Now, that shaking baby bit on your HBO Spurge. It's got a lot of promise. Where do you see that bit going? I'm like, I already filmed it.

All right. Here, I'm going to present you an idea and then you can tell me if it's hacky or not. OK. Yeah. Have you seen Marie Kondo, the tidy expert? Yes. OK. It's Marie Kondo, except it's for porn collections. OK. So it's just the biggest porn guy in the world comes and he tells you what to keep.

It's actually a decade back. It's not. Does this give you joy? Because does this give you a bone? Yes. Yeah. There you go. That's the entire thing. Yeah. Hack. Oh, it's not hack. It's just bad. It's just bad. I don't even think it's bad. I think it's fine.

I don't even think it's bad. Means it's worse than bad. No, no, no. I think it has potential. I don't think it's going to like blow anyone away. What I would do is Marie Kondo. What's her name? Marie Kondo. OK. So what I'm going to say is you have a sketch idea to parody that. Yeah.

That can be one of the beats. OK. Got it. You know what I'm saying? We have to come up with a couple of other ones. The other can be like, like instead of hands, like she's a weapons inspector. So for the you and she goes to different. She visits dictators. Yeah, that's nice.

Which brand, you know, which type of mustard gas. And then the third one has to be the most. John Wayne Gacy. That's what I was going to say. Which body part. He's like, you got to move. Hold that severed skull and say, does this bring me joy? Now we have a sketch.

OK. Got it. This is what a writer's room is. Done. All right. So that's easy. Comedy is easy. Yeah. Comedy is easy. Yeah. Comedy is easy. So just picture it.

Picture an eagle with an erection. It's easy. Back to sorry, not and sorry. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we got rid of that. No, no, no, no. We're back.

So the premise. The producers over there like, bring it back up. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Here we go. So it's actually not about Louis C.K. or as he's uns sorry. It's about the opening act. And he is a terrible comedian and he never gets better.

And it's every episode is 20 minutes of his terrible comedy. And then Louis C.K. and Aziz refusing to say sorry. And then it's like seven seasons long. So then the end, the jokes on you for watching it. That's hilarious. Do you like it? I mean, I love it. I think we could get that on one of these.

You think Judd would like it? But no. You're a good actor. Judd wouldn't like it. That was good. You guys do sketches too. Because that was good acting. You could do it.

We don't have a talented director like you do. You both have faces for TV. I was in a Reebok commercial once. You were. You look like a Reebok commercial. Yeah. Unnaturally quick. That was my line.

Unnaturally quick. Yeah. I love it. I nailed it. I love it. Yeah. I gave him like 20. Did you know?

Unnaturally quick. This is a sports podcast. I have a podcast called You Made It Weird. Did you know? Oh, how's that going? How dare you? Did you know? I don't understand the joke.

What is the joke there? I don't know. I'm not even sure. I don't either, but we laughed. We did laugh. I just wanted to point out that Aaron Rodgers did it. Did you guys listen to that? You had fucking Aaron Rodgers on?

How'd you guys get out of my fucking face? Would you have? How'd you get Aaron Rodgers? How'd you get that on the Wikipedia page? How did you get him on? He's a friend of a friend, so we're friends. Is that how it works? That's how friends work.

Wait, was Aaron Rodgers? Is this where we dissolve a cartoon about how to make friends? Wait, was he surly with you? He's a surly guy. He's not surly. Oh, yeah, he is. He's military precision.

He's got his coach fired this year. Would you say he's standoffish? No. From, I mean, I don't even, you know, I've never been in Green Bay with him. Yeah. I've only been in LA with him. OK.

Where he's very cordial, where we go to a restaurant. Oh, so you actually have extended this relationship? We've hung out maybe four or five times. He comes to my birthday, which is weird, because he's friends with my friend Rob Bell, who's an author, one of my best friends. OK. And then Aaron is a friend with him.

And here's the thing, because I don't care about sports, I think it's fun. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, he probably wouldn't like her killies. Because you said some mean things about him. Well, you got to. Yeah, you have to. I think you would understand.

I mean, don't you think it'd be insulted if you didn't critique? They don't boo nobody's. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. What about, they don't boo nobody's. Aaron Rodgers said that we're not a sports podcast. Yeah, they are a sports podcast.

We've never heard of sports. He might do it. What are sports? Isn't it a show? I mean, the show is. You throw the sports ball, Aaron. He's very popular. And he talked a lot.

Well, two things. One, he talked a lot about thinking about a life after football. So of course, you know, he would be interested. Oh, breaking news. Aaron Rodgers is set to retire. Go on. Well, he's considering retiring.

I don't even know the joke. Is he always doing it? No, we just broke the news. No, we just broke it. That's hilarious. Please credit us. OK, you got it. Exclusive.

Hashtag what's his number? A 12. 12, no more. Yep. 12, no more. Oh, OK. 12, no more is the hashtag. And then he also talked about seeing an alien.

That's right. I do remember this. He saw a UFO. Yeah. And he tells it in the first 10 minutes. Yeah, that's right. It's pretty great. I'm not even trying to poach your fans.

I'm just saying. No, you just did. It's fine. I also had JJ Reddick. Oh, here we go. Yeah, we've had him, too. Not a deal. It wasn't that great.

Hilarious. No, he's a good guy. He's a good guy. He likes JJ. But he went BFT. I like you better when you're just burning shit down. You're like the real-life joker. You're just like, some people just

want to watch the real world. The shitty Jared Leto version. No! I like Mel's condoms to people. He thinks it's such a great prank. No, you just gave me hepatitis. That is so funny. Wait, so you don't even know JJ Reddick, Duke JJ Reddick.

So that's why he was comfortable going on your podcast. Oh, where he was kind of not like. We all hated him, then. Yeah, that's right. And we talked about it with that with him. There's something about hanging with somebody that's not a sports fan. But I've talked to him.

I talked to DeKembe Motombo on my last big game, right? Yeah. Good. Hilarious. You want to have a guest star? James Harden. I haven't had him. Shit.

That's pretty cool. Fuck. I won't know a lot. What's the guy with the U-Brat? We had Kevin Hart. You ever had Kevin Hart? No, man. That's a good guess.

That's what I thought. That's not even what I'm doing. Marky Mark. Did you? I can't. I have a cold. I'll try. Hey, guys, how's it going?

It's better that you're going to call him. You guys want to talk about fucking sports? Yeah, why'd you leave the Super Bowl, Marky Mark? You know, I just fucking don't care. I get in there. I'm like, I can only be here for 15 minutes. Have you seen my schedule? His schedule's reduced.

My schedule's fucking. It's a fucking lie, bro. I sleep 22 hours a night. I'm losing my voice. At the end of our interview with Mark Wahlberg, he asked us, point blank, do you guys actually do this for a living? And it was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to us.

I love it. I've had that after stand-up shows. They go, so what do you do? I'm like, dude, it wasn't that bad. It was weirdly a compliment, though, when he said it. Because it was like, we are so naive in some sense. And we're just like, we ask the dumbest questions, and we love asking dumb questions.

I love it, too. It's great. And so he was like, he couldn't believe that this was actually our job. I can't believe it's your job. Yeah. Is it your first time doing it? Is this your first time doing a park dance?

Hold on, one second. Before I go, before I send the release, what is a park dance? That's pretty much it. Can you do it much? Can you head box? Head body, head body? Head body, head body. No, you got you from the fighter.

From the fighter. Yeah. You went like sports in it. You know, I didn't know there were cameras. Yeah, you don't like that. I was just being there. I was doing pull-ups and shit. They just followed me around.

I was just walking around with an Irish flag over my shoulder. I can't give a shit. That's just what fucking Marky Mark is doing. I don't give a fucking shit, dude. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much nailed it. Here's a good question. Yeah, bro. You were the E-Trade baby?

Yeah, you are on my Wikipedia page, dude. What's next, Batman? Yeah, what's going to go there? No, I didn't write that down. I didn't write that down. But wait, I'm not here to judge your technique. Well, yeah, I mean, we were very open about our technique, that it's like five minutes beforehand.

Look up. I get it. I get the show. Well, you're not even at the point. You wanted to skip ahead? Yeah, you want to skip ahead to the people also? No, no, no. Dude, I'm honored.

No, so you know anything. So when you go on, you want to hear the E-Trade? Yeah, do it. What do you want him to say? I don't know how much fun you're having on the spot. Say, actually, Ameritrade's better. Our TD Ameritrade is better. Who would try to get people to buy Bitcoin 2 Gen?

Bitcoin 2 Gen? Steven Seagal's cryptocurrency. If you're tired of taking advice from a baby, Steven Seagal has some Bitcoins that he'll karate kick into your fucking face if you want them. It's easy. Yeah, that's awesome. That when I hear that voice, it instantly takes you back

to like the Super Bowl. Yeah, like the 49ers raven Super Bowl. Put a ponytail in your head and get some good head spread. You know what head spread is? Of course. Yeah, where you get older and all your parts start moving away from each other. Oh, that's a different type.

Pangea in reverse. That's what happens to Seagal. He's got good head spread. Yeah. He's a small town sheriff now. But you know, go to E-Trade.com. He's actually a Russian spy. Is he?

Yeah. Oh! He lives in Russia. I don't think he's actually a business mogul. He's in Russia? Pretty sure. Weird time. Yeah, very weird time.

Weird time. Very weird time. Him and Dennis Robin quietly became America's most important diplomats over the last three years. That is. I kind of like that. Hilarious. It's been good for our country.

He used to break arms and we loved it. Yeah. Remember when we loved shit? Yeah. Like, you ever watch an old movie and you're like, we just like movies because it was a movie? Yes. Now there's so many.

It's like, this better be good. I'll give it 10 minutes. Yeah, Netflix has kind of ruined it. Do you have any, like, resentment towards Seagal? Towards Hollywood as a whole? Yeah, well, that, first of all, I know that you won't say yes because he'll break your arm in half. Could he still?

Oh, yeah. Have you seen those videos of him doing the, what's the type of martial, Aikido? Aikido. He's an Aikido master. Isn't that the old fat one? They just sprint at him and he just touches them and they flip. OK.

He channels so much energy. OK. What we're going to do is he's going to cut at me. And then if I touch you, fall over. Yeah. Action. That's pretty much it. Movie gets made.

That's kind of my Batman voice. But when it comes to the movies that you see coming out in Hollywood, is there a part of you that's like, I wish there was like a little more space for original ideas to be made? Or is it all going to be comic books this year? Yeah, it is interesting. You see, when are we going to get tired of it?

I think every time I watch one, I'm like, that's the last one. Yeah. And then there's 12 more. And I'm like, two tickets. Yeah. It's like we're hypnotized. We can't stop. It just seems like it'd be frustrating or be tougher

to pitch a totally original idea to somebody. Yeah. So like, you have to do Iron Man 7. Right. Or you have to at least be like, and it's a reboot of Blossom. Like it has to have like nostalgia built into it. Because I think there's probably, you know, the brain loves numbers and stats.

And those things you can prove. It's hard to prove heart and like good soulful ideas. But if you're trying to sell an idea and if you can be like, Blossom has this many fans. And did you know there's Blomcom? Which is like conference for six fans. And you know what I mean? And then you can sell that idea.

Because like economically viable. But I think of some of the movies that we loved as kids. And I'm like, they wouldn't get made today. No. Absolutely not. You think somebody's going to make spaceballs? Yeah. Got to make it.

Debbie does Dallas. Give me a break. The Cowboys are going to be winning. Right to porn. This one goes right next to Deep Throat because it's D's. Susie sucks things. That's what it would be. He doesn't understand sports.

Oh yeah, that's right. Or sex, probably. He doesn't understand sports. I understand sex. No sports jokes. I know sports jokes. You ever just like ground roll double? You ever just hit one and it bounces and it goes in the stands?

Yeah. And they're like, take two, man. If you could go back in time. Yeah. And do it all over again. OK, if you go back in time and do it all over again, would you still vote for Trump? You are.

I'm going to put your face on my birthday cake. What? Because I want to think of you on my happiest day. Would you? I didn't vote for Trump. Are you sure? Your Wikipedia page says you did. Yeah, what the hell?

This whole thing is a lie. That is. This is the interview I wanted to do. I'm going to write that down. Pete Holmes did not vote for Trump. OK, you're the guy that did the MAGA version of Batman, though, right? That is funny.

MAGA man? We have to build it all. Yeah, no, I don't agree with that, Batman. Yeah, you did. What is it? I was born into the darkness. You merely inherited it, like that thing, yeah. MAGA Batman actually inherited it, too.

They got them great again. I actually have a real question. Somebody needs to control these taxes for Bruce Wayne. Not that that's me. Top tax bracket. I have a real question. I have one for you, too. Don't let me forget.

My real question is, what is it actually like to work with Judd Apatow? And do you ever sit back and be like, man, he changed comedy and how we watch movies and TV shows? His were the movies that I would actually go to the theater. You're talking about Iron Man and stuff. It's hard to get a comedy out that people want to go and see. But back when Judd was making a lot of movies,

he's making lots of stuff now. But you know, 40-year-old Virgin knocked up. Those were movies. I was living in New York at the time. You'd see the billboard. You're like, well, that's what I'm doing. Yeah. And it still happens.

You see the train wreck. Well, like, well, that's what I'm going to go see. And nobody really exists like that. So he really is like a crazy person. What's it like to work with him, though? Is he a everyone has ideas? Let's hear him all. Or does he have a vision and just see dictation?

Yeah, no. He is absolutely the most collaborative, most like he wants to riff and play around. And if we think we have it perfect, he'll smash it because he doesn't want anybody to be precious. And then we rebuild it constantly trying to push you like a boxing coach out of your head. Yeah.

I'm not just trying to do that because it's a sports place. No. But he wants you to be out of your head. And when I watch the takes that make it into the show, it's often when we were improvising. It's often when Jett will come in and it'll be like, do one, but be angry. Like, he'll just say, for no reason, be angry.

Right. Just to give it some energy, just to give it a different take. And he's taught me so many. The other thing he taught me was like, if you think, if everybody's like, well, Pete got bad news, he's probably going to be sad. He'd be like, maybe he's happy. You know what I mean?

Because that's how life is. Right. He's very good at going like, sometimes you don't even know why, but you're kind of like relieved you didn't get something. And you're like, well, I guess this was more important to me that that's one of the main things he taught me as a storyteller. Here's my question for you guys.

OK. If and I'm genuinely interested. So I'm not just saying this because sports pocket. If you could be the best athlete in any sport, but only one. What sport? Horse racing. Is this real? Yes.

You're a horse. You compete three times. You want to be the horse. Yeah. Not the jockeys. I was going to say jockey. Dude. I'm way too tall to be a jockey.

Come on. Mushrooms. All right. So you were like, horse race. No, it's no. I know where he's going. And he's right. It's pretty obvious.

You're it's a no brainer. You have a three year career. If you you retire at the top of your field and you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just compete to fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, in your spurs. It's worth like $250,000 a load.

But they're not on like a rotating silk bed in Vegas. They're like in a corral with their dick. Oh, they're nice. They're in Kentucky. Lexington. Oh, yeah. You've never fucked in bluegrass. You're telling on yourself right now.

If you had fucked out in a nice pasture outside of Bowling Green, you would not be talking shit about it. I have to say something. Yeah. You're demonstrating a level of creative thinking that is next level. So that's a great answer.

So does he have a job with Judd? Yeah. You don't want a job with me. You want a job with Judd? Yes. Would he make his wife be in a movie with her? Yeah. You love Leslie?

Yeah, she's awesome. No, I'd be the court. I'd be a quarterback. Interesting. Because for me, it's between quarterback or basketball. What what basketball player though? Jordan. Oh, you're saying a person?

Like, are you saying a position? I'm saying, like, be like, consider this for you to help you how I'm thinking, even though you've already won. You're right. True. Yes. Like, that's good confidence. True.

Yeah. Football player wears a helmet. So it's a different kind of fame. Yeah, a quarterback is a different level. That's true. You do commercials and stuff. And it's the pinnacle of American sports. I get it.

Square jaw. I talk with Aaron Rodgers about like, why are all these quarterbacks good looking? We actually talk about testosterone levels, which lead to decisiveness, which actually leads to attributes like square jaws, which is crazy. So would you attribute his junk science guy then? And would you attribute his bad season to low T?

Is that what you're saying? Did he have a bad season? He had a very bad season. I don't even know. Are you seriously, are you saying Aaron Rodgers like believes in what is it, phrenology? No, the skull measurement. He's dating Danica, and she's a big crystal girl.

Yeah, she loves crystals. Crystal skull? Yeah. No crystals, like she jerk off to him. Or he can't. Yeah. They give you power. Oh.

Yeah, they have the right type of crystal. So you actually believe. He harnesses the power of the crystals. Well, you know why I'm somewhat open to it? What else are they doing? Right. They look pretty fucking cool. Right.

Quartz. Whatever you want. They've taken a glimpse of the quartz recently. That looks like if you put it in your butt, you might shit a unicorn. Right. Yeah. You're a geode.

Are you a geode guy? What are geodes doing if not telling us our future? Exactly. That doesn't know how to do it. You touch a geode, you see how you die. Yeah. Or you jerk off with your bros. But if you're Jordan, it's sort of like the most vain choice.

No helmet. It's you. You can dominate in a way. A quarterback has to collaborate for the most part. He has to pass. So Jordan can just have the ball in front of him. Yeah. If you're asking like a specific guy,

I don't think I'd ever want to be the like, you know, the greatest of all time at any sport. Because I feel like there comes with that like a ton of pressure and a ton of like the fame is so crushing. I'd like to be like Robert Ori, who has five championships and he was, he made a ton of money and he was like a role player on every team. Great answer.

What sport is that? Passball. OK. So like he just hit big shots. He's a legend. Right. But if he goes to, if he goes to a restaurant, people aren't going to stop and just you mob him.

You want to be the com like me, like that's me. I, Robert, I have a lot of championships. No, no, no. I'm just saying I'm not famous. Yeah. We think about this. But you know, but you can be in comedy. Yep.

And make your art. But nobody gives a fuck that I'm at Disneyland. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. You're thinking. Exactly.

Again, you guys are both very creative thinkers. Yeah. But if you did have to be the biggest star in the world, I still think quarterback just because there's something about football in America and the Super Bowl. I always dance a different level. Or there's also baseball, which is very American. No, but you work too much.

Yeah. And you're probably dumb. It's also. No, baseball players are pretty dumb. Are they dumb? Yeah. Have you ever been to college? No, I don't think so.

Yeah. That's why. Yeah. Because they're dumb. Yeah. I want to interview. Who's the dumbest guest you've ever had on your show? Hmm.

That's a good question. Thanks. I don't know. Why am I thinking about it? The publicist is saying, don't answer this. Don't answer this. Don't honestly. Don't know.

I don't think I've ever had the experience of being on the podcast and being like, this person is an idiot. I'm being real. Yeah. I have had that in life. Yeah. When you're talking to somebody and they're just like, what?

You say, why are you looking right at me right now? Boop. Because you're the host of the show. Don't be. You ever use a word, like a simple word, and you're just like, and I was flabbergasted. And I'm like, what? Yeah.

No, we didn't actually happen to be the first. When you said cognized, I was like, he's using a word. I don't know. We're pretty dumb guys. So when we do, like I think I said atrophy the other day in a podcast and everyone's like, big word. Yeah.

You know it. Well, big word. Isn't that what's nice about sports is you don't have to think in language. You can just go grunt. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

It's punch. It's nice. It's basic. Turn your brain off for a second. All right. My last question. I think it's how my dad meditated. Really?

Yeah. Went to Fenway Park. Yeah. And you just stare forward. I was the kid that was always like, dad, how do you feel? And he was like, I'm watching the game. Yeah. That's a great point.

You just stare. You don't air off in the distance. You don't have to verbalize what's going on. You're just watching life as it is. Yeah. Yeah. Or boo in the moment. It's like pure emotion.

All right. We got to wrap up. We've been told we have to wrap up. I would have you on forever. I love that. We didn't even get to the frequently asked questions on Google. Next time you come on. Why?

Because we're next time you guys now. Yeah. Next time you come on. We'll go on your speed homes. I'm 39. How tall is Pete Holmes? How much is Pete Holmes worth? Google it.

That's the question. When you search Pete Holmes, it asks questions. People also ask. So we clear it up for everyone. I think it's wrong. I think it's way high. What are we talking? What does it say?

I bet it says 1.5. Pete Holmes net worth of $3 million. Whoa. Yeah, it's too high. Yeah. Well, you got that podcast money coming in. How much cash do you have on you? Is that a real question?

Yeah. You owe us for the podcast. I'd have rappers on my podcast. And I would ask them how much cash they had on them. Well, look at you. You got big plans later? I have $660 on me. Wow.

You know why? It's because I'm traveling. It's tip money. All right. So if you see Pete Holmes not in LA, just know that you can mug him for decent sized money. That's actually true. Like someone was like, you should get a chain

while it's just a way of saying, hey, it's worth it. Grab it. You want it. I do not normally carry $600. That's going to go to all. We have all these cars driving us around. Those guys get little Christmas presents from old Petey bands.

Yes. I like that. All right, Pete, thank you so much. Everyone check out Crashing. It is a hilarious show. Please do. This is so fun. Yes, great time.

You're welcome back anytime. I really appreciate that. You probably will never see us again. I can see your eyes. You can put in a good word with Aaron Rodgers. That'd be awesome. Are you kidding me? I'm going to bring you a sausage scramble with cheese.

Tell him to come on the show. OK. OK. I'll text him. He won't reply, but I'll text him. OK. That interview with Pete Holmes was brought to you guys by Simply Safe.

Here's something interesting. Studies show that security systems deter burglars. It's a fact. But there's still a burglary every eight seconds in America. How? Well, think about it. Do burglars give up just because some houses have security systems?

Of course not. They just find a house that isn't protected, like Swag Kelly. That's why securing your home is truly a necessity. So let me recommend this brilliant security system built by my friends at Simply Safe. Simply Safe believes fear has no place in a place like home. So they made their system ridiculously smart. Their sensors will protect every point of access

to your home, doors, windows, garage, you name it. If a burglar even tries to break in, an ear-shattering siren will let them know the police are already on the way. And best of all, Simply Safe's 24-7 monitoring is just $14.99 a month. And they'll never lock you in a long-term contract. More than 3 million people already know

it feels good to fear less with Simply Safe. So go with the only home security I trust that's Simply Safe by going to simplysafe.com slash P-M-T today. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash P-M-T for the home security I trust. Simplysafe.com slash P-M-T. The interview is also brought to you by movement.

You guys know about movement. I don't need to tell you about it. They make great watches. They make great sunglasses. And now is the time to move on to our all-time favorite underdog success story. Those are the guys that founded movement. They were founded on the belief that style shouldn't

break the bank. They've sold almost 2 million watches worldwide by bringing quality designs at fair prices. I love their sunglasses. I'm wearing them right now. I brought two watches, two different movement watches with me on this trip. One for a little formal occasion, one

for a little chillin' on the beach. They got you covered no matter what kind of style you're looking for at movement. I love their watches. Love their sunglasses. Their accessories are great. They're perfect gifts for family, friends, significant others.

I get compliments on them all the time. Their watches are all about looking good while keeping it simple. They don't tell you how many steps you've taken. They don't blow your wrist up with text messages. They're not overly intrusive on life with notifications, text messages, emails. They tell time like true classic time pieces should

and they look great doing it. They're a crowd-funded startup. They understand living under a tight budget because they lived it too. They give you quality products for a fair price in almost 2 million watches later in over 160 countries. We are able to give you a great, great deal. These movement watches start at just 95 bucks.

You're looking at $400 plus for the same quality from a traditional brand. Movement has sold almost 2 million watches, again, in 160 countries, and you can get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash pardon. That's mvmt.com slash pardon.

That's 15% off today. Free shipping, free returns, mvmt.com slash pardon. Join the movement. Okay, let's get to some segments. First up, let's do an embrace debate that's actually, I have no idea what it is. So PFT, you said it's a mystery embrace debate. I am very excited to hear this.

This is a hot one. So I was, if you can't tell, we are doing a Skype show right now. I'm down in Florida, but before I flew out, we were waiting in the airport. Our whole gig got delayed for like, I'm not complaining, by the way, but we were delayed for like two and a half, three hours.

I'm not gonna say what airline it was, it was Frontier, but I don't want anything to get out on them. That's on you, dude. Yeah, it's absolutely on me. In fact, I learned something from Flying Frontier, and that's that I think every political candidate for president should have to travel around the country exclusively on Frontier.

It's like Fight Club in the sky. It's amazing. Like, it's no rules on our Frontier airline. It was the only flight I could find out late enough that I could leave after we did our thing that we did on Wednesday that you guys will find out about. But so I was flying out on Frontier, we got delayed for a few hours,

and got a real hot debate going amongst the crowd that was sitting there waiting. Thought you guys might want to weigh in on it. All right, you ready for this? Yes. Would you rather be hungry or thirsty? Are we talking extremes? I'm talking like, yeah, moderate to severe. I would rather be hungry than thirsty.

Because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like, you're okay. You can survive for a very long time. I agree. You can drink away some of your hunger, too. Right, absolutely. But if you're thirsty and you just eat a lot of food, you can't get rid of that thirst.

In fact, it makes it worse. Right, so the answer's easy. To me, it was, but there were some people that were saying that they would much rather be thirsty because they get stomach aches when they, it was a lot of older people that were saying that. That's ridiculous. Blood pressure issues.

I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny. You know what I mean? When you haven't eaten for like eight, 10 hours or two, three hours and you start feeling really skinny and feeling light on your feet, that's a great feeling to have. It is.

But counterpoint, hungry dogs run faster. True. That's also true. Dave Portnick said that. Yeah, and the Eagles said they would disagree with you. Yes, I know. That was the joke. Next up, we have a Trouble in Paradise.

Are you podcasting in the dark, BFT? Yeah, he is. He's fully in the dark. The sunset. The sun's gone down. The sunset is just the shadow of your face. All right, next up we have Trouble in Paradise, which has actually just been an ongoing Trouble in Paradise.

It is for Kyrie Irving in the Boston Celtics because Kyrie Irving continues to talk to the media, continues to talk about himself as a leader. What was his recent interview? He sat down with recurring grass, Rachel Nichols. She asked him all the questions anyone should ask him, but he kept referring to the young guys. Like, we got a lot of young guys

who think they know what they're doing, but they don't, like, I've been there. I used to not know what I was doing, like, now I do. And he just kept, like, he kept separating himself from the rest of the team, which... After doing a whole, the two max contracts, troll with Kevin Durant and keeping the free agency, the summer, by the way, this summer

for the NBA free agency is gonna fucking suck. This is gonna be the worst. Like, there are so many free agencies and so many stories and all this shit, and it's gonna be insane. But Kyrie Irving continues to... I don't really know what he's doing. He just, he, like, wants to be a leader.

He says he's a leader, and then he bashes guys, then he says there's a problem. I actually had a theory, PFT, and I don't know if anyone has said this, but I thought of this this morning. I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is, like, now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is, like, the old guy who's trying to teach

all everyone else on the team, and he has basically, like, the Uncle Drew filming stopped, but it didn't stop for Kyrie Irving, and he doesn't really know how to be, like, a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie. That's actually a very good theory. I like that, and it was a good movie.

I don't know if you saw it. No, you did not see it. I saw it. I saw it. I watched it. Yes. I saw the commercial for it, and it was good. Yes.

I saw the original commercial that led to the trailer that I eventually watched for the movie that I haven't seen. I saw it. The original commercial was amazing. I saw it. It was in Jackass 2 when Johnny Knoxville and Spike Jones walked around with their balls out of their pants. Right.

I saw it when it was coming to America, and Eddie Murphy was in a barber shop just screaming at himself with four different characters. No, I mean, listen. I think Kyrie is way over his skis on this one. Ever since Kobe talked to him, that's what it is. Ever since Kobe was like, you have to have an asshole on the team, and you

are the prime candidate to be that asshole because it's not going to be LeBron. And Kyrie was like, yeah, Kobe, whatever you say, Kobe, sure thing. Ever since that conversation happened, Kyrie is like a different kind of guy, and I don't think that he even knows what he's doing. I think he's like that Michael Scott

seen from the office where he just starts talking, and he's like, sometimes I just start saying sentences, and I figure out where I'm going halfway through, and I'll get there by the end of it. That's what Kyrie does when he talks to the media. I think there's an element of truth of what you're saying, PFT, but more so in the fact that he's answered the question so many times.

So it's like, when people keep asking him, he's just kind of making up new answers each time because he said in the beginning of the year, he's like, I want to come back. And then it's like, they ask him again, they ask him again, they ask him again, they ask him again. So at this point, he said what he said last time, and then they still asked him.

So why shouldn't he just keep changing his answer? I just don't see how this ends well unless the Celtics win the championship. Or he resigns. But I just don't, what does the playoff loss look like that has Kyrie Irving being like, I feel like Kyrie Irving will just blame everyone else. No, okay.

All right. Hang on, real quick hand compression. This interview today, this was the start of the Celtics getting it all together for their playoff run. This tension that they have right now is gonna really, it's gonna bring the team together as one. They're gonna unite, Kyrie's gonna be a leader, then he's gonna resign, and he's going to stay

as Celtic until he actually dies, until he's 70 years old, and he's gonna have 20 championships. All right, next up we have a new segment alert. Hank, hit the new segment alert, noise. That was the noise. That was the noise, really? All right, so the new segment alert,

it is, the new segment is just called, we read a headline. So that's it. That's it, don't, don't, no one, no one go crazy here, it's just, we read a headline. So, today's, we read a headline is, hold on, cut this, I don't have it out. But.

Syracuse coach, Jim Bayheim hits, kills man, walking on I-690. And that was, we read a headline. Was the man in the restricted area? We read a headline, PFT, that's all it is. Don't deviate from the segment, it's we read a headline. Okay. I'll do it one more time for you.

Syracuse coach, Jim Bayheim hits, kills man, walking on I-690. We read a headline. Okay, next up, we have Mike Wilbon, name drop of the week, you had this one, PFT. Yeah, this goes out to Jimmy Butler. His, he pulled a great name drop, actually. This was yesterday, he said that Marky Mark's

10 year old daughter is his best friend in the world. So, hell of a name drop. Jimmy Butler seems like a cool guy, just normal stuff. Yeah. Had a little J-butt, yeah. J-butt. You know what? You should have, when we started the hole

as Jimmy Butler, a top 15 player, if you had just gone with J-butt from the get-go, you would have beaten me in that argument. That's a little- The second I said it, I realized that I'm such an idiot for not having gone with that earlier. Your kid stands in the jerk store. Right in front of me the whole time.

You had that. That was, if anyone says, can you build a team around Jimmy Butler, you'd be like, what, J-butt? Right, I thought that me saying that he looked exactly like Frylock would be enough from the get-go, but I needed to combine it with J-butt. J-butt.

So, J-butt is best friends with a 10 year old girl. Oh, man. Totally normal. Yeah. Actually, so if you're gonna be best friends with someone's daughter, I actually think that Marky Mark is probably a good choice, because Marky Mark is not the kind of guy

that's gonna let you do anything weird. You know what I'm saying? Marky Mark absolutely has like 10 different T-shirts that say like, I don't carry a weapon unless my daughter gets home late. You know, like that sort of thing. Right. He's very protective.

Well, more than anything, it speaks to J-butt being like on three teams in the last three years and his best friend in the world is Mark Wahlberg's 10 year old daughter. It's like, well, that makes sense. That really does make sense, J-butt. Like, you don't have any friends. All right, last up, Seeky question real quick.

Promo code TAKE, you get $10 off your Seeky purchase. Go watch Pete Holmes stand up or go to NCAA game, NBA game, it's back, hockey, everything. Seeky, promo code TAKE, you get $10 off. PFT, the Seeky question is, why are you mad at Slipknot? Because this was a segment that you threw out there that seems very personal. It's not, I wanted to do a put one in his ear hole

for Slipknot. Okay, why? Because their lead singer, well, their lead singer said that Imagine Dragons has taken the worst band in the world, Baton, from Nickelback. And it just seemed like an unnecessary shot, like Slipknot, cool. Hey, you guys were great.

Like, I remember that song, Wait and Bleed, that came out in 1997. That was cool. You guys all wore masks because you were ashamed because you were such a bad band. That's very cool for you just take a shot right at Imagine Dragons. So I just wanted to put one in their ear hole real quick

because we have to get our boys and IDs back. That's true. The alternate segment name for that would be, hey, this guy's still alive, lead singer for Slipknot. Yeah, you know what it is? Slipknot never got the backlash that Marilyn Manson had. They were hoping to get some of that buzz. Like they wanted America's parents to hate them.

Be like, no, whatever you do, you can't listen to Slipknot. But nobody cared because they weren't good enough. And so now they're taking it out on a guy that's got a sweet ass big drum. Right, they also didn't remove a rib and suck their own dick. That was their biggest mistake. Marilyn Manson, if you grew up in the 90s,

you know that was a fact because the whole world, before social media, before the internet was a thing, somehow that rumor got to the whole entire world. So myth busted unless it's not and we don't want to get sued. I would also like to say that this is meme plagiarism by Slipknot because I saw that meme of, I think it was like somebody breaking into

Ellie and Gonzalez's house and there was like, Imagine Dragons, Nickelback, Worst Band in the World, somewhere on the meme. And so the guy from Slipknot saw this meme and now he's giving interviews where he's verbally reciting a meme that he's stealing from somebody. So he's like, he's a real life fuck cherry.

Yes, yes. All right, let's wrap up the show with FAQs and... No, Hank's grab back, roast. Okay, before we get to the roast though, a quick shout out to all the award-winning listeners. The pod track rankings came out. We were seven overall in the country. Seven, not just...

World. World, not just sports. Galaxy. It's insane. We keep growing month over month. It's been three years straight of this now so we appreciate your support. We appreciate you subscribing, unsubscribing

and telling people to listen and we hopefully will just keep dropping stuff for you that you like, including a new song that PFT alluded to earlier that should be coming out in the next few weeks-ish, right? Is that fair, Hank? Yeah, in the next two weeks, not next week, the week after.

Okay. Okay. And when we say at the end of the show that we love you guys, we actually do love you guys, that's serious. Except when you say... I'm gonna take it, it's not sometimes. Yeah, except when you say just love you

and then it's creepy. Yeah, that's weird. Because you looked right in my eyes. Hank, go ahead. A mustachioed Michelin man debates bridges and tunnels with a man from witness protection. Their 20-something future cat owner friend chimes in about Boston here and there

while someone shouts out about Hitler and the other eats Doritos. Okay. That was pretty- Yeah, that was pretty vanilla, run-of-the-mill. You kind of nailed it all. That was a big Doritos eater, huh? Yeah, huge.

Honestly, biggest waste of my time. Just two dudes who can't accept the fact that they're old and out of touch. A third guy makes an occasional appearance but sounds like knives stabbing my ears. I pray for those who actually listen. That actually kind of hurts. That one actually-

That was nice that- Yeah, that hurt. It was nice that you praised for the listeners though. Yeah. I enjoyed that part of it. That one hurt a little bit. From the minds- Starting to roast off with like honestly,

this is a waste of my time. Yeah. That cuts pretty deep. Yeah, that definitely hurts, stings. From the minds that brought you boner dogs and how it's made, car stick comes a heartwarming tale about overcoming height, weight, and illiteracy to become the world's most popular sports blast cast

that also gives dangerous female health advice. Starring Walmart brand John Candy, Hillary Swank's ugly sister, and front-running sports fandom Incarnate in theaters never. Okay, so those roasts are very funny. That was a very funny roast. But it also, like every now and then we'll get a roast that's very funny, but also kind of a compliment

because it's calling me a Walmart brand John Candy is like the nicest compliment I've ever gotten. That, if my life peaks at Walmart brand John Candy, I had a great life. Yeah, also Hillary Swank was an inspiring character in nearly every movie that she's been in. So I should be so lucky to be your sister. Tom Petty and Billy Mays team up to try

to manipulate little boys to pretend to be girls and ask them questions. Okay, that one was good. That was really fucking good. A frequent bar rescue spy and his extensions wearing co-hosts make real famous people uncomfortable while taunting their prepubescent bearded, how is that even possible?

Prepubescent bearded producer and forcing him to adopt a cat, currently terrified for Frank's livelihood. Ooh, it's actually LeBron. So you should be worried about LeBron's life. Are you gonna feed LeBron wine? I'm not getting it. Well, yeah, that'll be part of the food plan

that we put it on. We're gonna put it on cat-neutral system, which is just tuna fish and wine. You just missed what just happened there. Hank's brain stopped for a second because he was gonna answer it, and then he remembered that he's going with the, I'm not worried, I'm not getting a cat.

I'm not. This isn't... Hank, what kind of white wine pairs nice with tuna fish? Is that like a Pinot Grigio? I'm not worried at all, and I'm not getting a cat. I will say that I, you know, just in case you always gotta have a backup plan, there is a major problem that my girlfriend

is like very allergic to cats. So if, which again, it's not gonna happen. I'm not worried about it happening. If by some miraculous happenstance it does happen, I'm gonna have to get a non-allergenic cat, which looked like the most disgusting like naked baby rats, yeah. I was laying, I was literally laying in bed last night

at like midnight and just giggling to myself about Hank getting a cat. This isn't a roast. I just can't wait until Frank and Hank are sitting next to each other, each other drinking milk when Duke loses. I love you guys. Oh, Hank, you know what we gotta get you?

We have to get you one of those tongue extensions. I don't know if you ever saw the infomercial where you can pet and clean your cat with your own tongue. So it's like a plastic thing that clips onto your tongue so you can just lick it. It's not gonna happen. Last one, this one's a little serious, but we got a lot of these,

so I just wanted to put this one in the air. My brother died from cancer two days ago. He's been sick for the past year and had been hospitalized for the past month. PMT has, and shows have been incredibly integral and helped me get through this time. PMT has helped me get through some very dark and emotional times and provided a big outlet for me

to just laugh and escape my own reality. Thank you, Dan, PFG and Hank. You guys are brilliant in making unbelievable strides in what you do. We get a decent amount of those, like every now and then of just people that are going through a hard time and just... That's, I mean, that's kind of what it's all about.

Like whenever someone hits us up and they've been going through something or the family's been going through something and they say that we can give them a laugh, that's it right there. I mean, that makes our day and makes everything we do worth it. Yeah, hopefully we can take a little bit of this thing off

or help you forget about it for a little bit or give you a little bit of escape. And if we're able to do that, then that's pretty much the coolest thing that we do. So all the best to you. Hope you and your family's doing well. So yeah, take care. And with that, we will see everyone Monday.

And just think, if you're going through a tough time, it's world's gonna get even funnier when Hank gets LeBron Lockwood. Love you guys. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow It's part of my take presented by Barstool Sports.