Pardon My Take - Comedian Tom Segura, Crazy US Open Ending, SCF + Monday Ruling On Billy's Suspension

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Wild finish at the US Open and we are sad about Will Zalatoris. Fitzpatrick's incredible shots and the story of his caddy is why we love sports. (00:02:53-00:22:39) Stanley Cup Final and the Avalanche are shit pumping the Lightning. (00:22:43-00:24:53) Cleaning up the NBA Finals + Skip vs Stephen A. (00:24:57-00:41:04) Who's back of the week including PFT's new contract and Joe Biden falling off a bicycle. (00:42:17-00:55:45) Comedian Tom Segura joins the show in studio to talk about his new book, the time he found a body, and helping us do the worst of idea weve been kicking around. (00:57:19-01:37:30) We finish the show with Monday Ruling about Billy. (01:38:45-01:54:11)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen, add free on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, we have comedian Tom Segura back in studio. Great, great time with him. Like a perfect podcast interview

because we didn't really, we had interviewed him a couple months ago. We know him now and we just chopped it up, had some laughs. He's got a new book out, which I am attempting to read. I'm already on chapter two. He told an all-time story about finding a body.

Yes, so yes, that was shocking, shocking, shocking part of the interview. We're gonna talk US Open, we're gonna talk Stanley Cup, we're gonna talk Who's Back. We also have an update on Billy, which will be after Tom Segura. We'll talk about that, we'll finish the show with that.

We have a Monday ruling. Monday ruling, we have a packed Monday show, tons of sports to talk about, and we're brought to you by our friends at Visible. What would you do with extra money you'd save from switching to Visible? You could pay $60 with some carriers, but with Visible, it's as low as $25 a month.

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and then a lot of soft work to be done. No place to hang out or wash in and then I can't play all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to electric high brand new. And then we're taking higher. Oh, we don't, I'll rock it down to electric high brand new. It's part of my take. There's another harshly sports.

Welcome to part of my take presented by visible. Go to visible.com slash pod, get unlimited single line wireless for as low as $25 a month. Today is Monday, June 20th. And holy shit was that an incredible US open. I have calm down PFT where I can now say that was awesome. We can also talk about Will's allotours, but that was awesome golf.

It was great. The back nine was incredible. Here's a fun little nugget. I know that, you know, a lot of people are out there like, hey, you guys aren't real Dippleheads. You guys aren't real, aren't real Parvards. But guess what? We are.

And a lot of people forget that Matt Fitzpatrick won the 2013 amateur. He did. US amateur. He did. Championship at Brookline. At the country club. People are talking.

I haven't heard anyone talk about that. No one has talked about that. So yeah, well, we had all PFT and I had a lot of money on Will's allotours. I actually afterwards said that Will's allotours has to figure out his putting. I had some nerds, not true Dippleheads be like, bro, actually he had strokes gained of like 2.8 or something

on the tournament with his putter. I do strokes gained by vibes. He missed a big putt. I would say he lost somewhere around $50,000 worth of strokes gained for me personally. He definitely lost upper four figs for me. That's just my own analytics. I was very angry with Will's allotours' putting game.

If you want to go off vibes, I'll give you another data point for the vibes being off. He had that one short putt that he made where he did like a double clutch as he was going back for. Yeah, they showed they were like. He has a pump fake in his putts. Yeah, they actually went and did like an illustrator on how bad a made putt was.

Yeah, so yes. It was the worst made putt of the season. And I am now financially and emotionally attached to Will's allotours to a level that I will bet him significantly for every major until he wins one. And if he just becomes one of those guys that never wins one, well, my kids won't go to college. Like Phil, for example, yeah, right.

So I am in the same boat as you. I also bet on him at the PGA and I screwed that one up big time. I love the guy. This one I thought that we had. I thought we had it made in the shade. Once once the wheels started to come off for Schaeffler, I was like, well, Fitzpatrick's not going to beat him. So I was riding hard from we are.

What's his cat? His name Billy Foster. Yes, so I want to talk about Billy Foster. We're the Billy Foster of betting on Will's allotours. Correct. And I. So like I said, I've calmed down and I actually, the more I learn about Fitzpatrick, I like him. But in Fury, immediately after I wrote down a couple of notes

about this tournament and Fitzpatrick that I'd like to share with you. This is again, this is past Big Cat. So I don't even I've evolved as a human being in the last two hours. This was your pre woke period. This is my pre woke period. Well, the good I mean, this this this first note is good that I've woken up. Not to be xenophobic, but the U.S. Open should be won by an American.

So as far as I'm concerned, it's not Will's allotours is the champion. It's not the open. Right. It's the U.S. So right. So open is what? Like next month at the old course at St. Andrews. Right. Yeah. What is it? July 14. Yeah. So that's the one that he's more than you can win that one, dude. That's probably his home course. Yeah, I'm going to bet Will's allotours.

But if he doesn't win, I know what I look, you know, like I willingly got into trying to bet an American on European soil. That was stupid. It's it's called the old course. I'm wondering how old that is because like British people, European people have a completely different sense of what old is to us. Like to us, something old is like prewar, probably. Right. To them. They're like what? Which war? Yeah. Like the War of the Roses. Yeah. Well, the fact that they call this place The Country Club.

That's kind of a bad. It is a power. It is like Ohio State University. I like that. All right. So that was the first note. The second one, not to teeth shame, but I don't think you should be able to win the U.S. Open with braces. He was wearing braces. He had. I think I think he has braces, full braces.

And I'm happy that he's getting his teeth fixed. Like, listen, again, not to shame him, but this is this is two hours ago. Big cat, this past big cat have evolved from this take. But in the moment, the take was this is bullshit. Take his trophy away. See, either take the braces off his mouth on the 18th green and he can have the trophy or take the trophy away and give it to Will's Out Taurus and me the money.

You don't need you don't need braces if you're a bajillionaire and you just won the U.S. Open. Just get your teeth. You can just knock them all out. Yeah, just get all the years put in there. People I love when people get veneers and it's like they're just bright, bright, white and you're like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah, I noticed that he didn't smile that much.

And that's probably why then. Yes. So again, I'm happy he's getting this is this past big cat. And then the last one, this is actually a real take. That fucking 15th hole was bullshit. He hits one that misses the fairway by like 30 feet. Will hits one that hits a fairway that then rolls into like the deepest grass ever. It was in like the first cut of the rough that it was somehow deeper than anything.

It was skating on top of the grass. And then the place that it settled was the only deep part of that rough. And then Fitzpatrick totally misses his shot. And it lands on a trampled down area from the gallery. I think is what you call him as we are the patrons. The patrons in the gallery had trampled it down. So he gets a perfect lie. That hole was it.

That was a to a to a stroke hole because because he ends up getting a birdie and will gets a bogey. And that was it. That was the championship. I was complaining before you got in the office. I was complaining to Bubba for like 15 minutes. And what we're doing right now is this is a new segment of our show. It's when you have when you get beaten badly in a bet. Right. And it's called that was a fucking great bet and it should have counted.

Correct. In fact, there should be something. There should be an option. Talk to the higher ups at Penn about this. There should be an option where, you know, you get the cash out that you can take before it's over. If you don't take the cash out and you lose by him missing a putt by an inch to a guy in braces to guy in braces, you should get like a dollar back on cash out.

You should be able to cash out afterwards and just be like, hey, that was a good fucking bet. Right. Right. You were on the right side specifically. But all right. So that was that was that was that was right after I was very mad. Now that I've read more about Fitzpatrick, he seems like a very good dude went to Northwestern. So that's a big 10 title. I will be claiming that. And the story you mentioned him, but Billy Foster,

his caddy is one of the coolest stories in sports because he has been a caddy for 40 years. He's caddied like all these incredible, incredible guys. He was on Tiger Woods bag for, I think, one or two tournaments. He was on Steve Bellas, Starros. He was Seville by Sarah. Seville by Sarah. Dimplehead. Yeah. Spaniard. I knew that part.

He was on Sergio Garcia's Sergio. Garcia, Garcia, Darren Clark, Thomas Bjorn. And then he was on Lee Westwood's for a decade. And Lee Westwood, if you are Dimplehead like us, is one of like the poster child for almost there, like always the bridesmaid. He had it's him and Sergio and not hopefully not Will's out. Terrace. But Lee Westwood in the 10 years that they that Billy Foster was on his bag in majors.

He had 13 top 10s, six times he finished third, three times he finished second. That's heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. And I was thinking about it like if you're a golfer and you are, you know, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It obviously is very, very painful. But this guy has been cadding for 40 years. He's lived like three golf like careers in those 40 years. And he has had.

And if you're a caddy, I feel like that's almost worse because you're the one who has to give those like decisions and and and giving him like, you know, hey, here's what you want to, you know, use here. And then you have to go home and sit and be like, I didn't hit the club, but I was the one who helped them. That has to eat away. He's the Buffalo Billows of Caddies. Yeah, until that means that the bills are going to win the Super Bowl next year.

Yeah. But he's. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like, do you think it's all the small stuff that goes along with it that like you can blame on your caddy. You can blame one stroke per round on your caddy easily. Right. And he's got to deal with all that. And it was awesome to see him win. After after Zalatoris missed that putt on 18 and he goes up to the flag

and he takes the flag and he kisses it. He smells it first. He goes up. He's crying. He's got tears in his eyes. He smells it, gets a good whiff. Then he kisses it. Then he takes the flag out of the hole and he starts to unscrew the top. I thought for a second that maybe the flag had like a shot of fireball

because it looked like he was opening up to take a very varied money in it. Yeah, but he was he unscrewed the top of it. And then I guess he was going to remove the flag and that was going to be his for the rest of his life to keep as like as his particular trophy from that. It was awesome. I've never seen I've never seen a end of a major where the player, the caddy was like more emotional than the player. Matsuyama's caddy, where he bowed to a guy.

He did. He bowed to a customer. It is true, but like it was crazy to see the emotion coming out of Billy Foster. It wasn't even it wasn't cheers. He was just relieved. Like he it looked like it just washed over him. And Fitzpatrick sitting there like he's a great golfer who's probably going to be around forever, probably going to have a bunch of these things.

And he's got a caddy who has sat there for 40 years having it eat away at him. Because I really do think like being a caddy and being that close has to be in a weird way more painful than being the player because the player is not only rich, but they they make the shot so they can live with it. The caddy doesn't make the shot. The caddy just helps with the shot. And if you're fucking, what do I say,

three times second place, six times third place, like that would just fucking kill you. Yeah. Kill you. It's got to be like one or two. Yeah. Clubs or like shots that he was like, well, maybe I should have told him something. That's what I'm saying. Right. Like that.

Yeah, like a green read or something. Oh, my God, it would kill you. So I'm happy for him. I'm happy for Fitzpatrick. It is. It is like he seems like a very good dude. I'm happy for his second family here in the US. Yes, the same family that he stayed with. People forget that he won in 2013.

He did. He stayed with that same family this week. And they were green side. They were watching him. And I kept going back and forth. Like, do you feel good if you're the actual son of that family and your adopted son comes out and wins the wins the US Open? Because then you're like, what the fuck have I ever done?

Right. I'm not even. I'm probably not the favorite son in my family, even though I grew up here in this household. But at the same time, you're like, that's that's pretty cool. That like kind of a step brother. You just say your brother. Yeah, my brother. Yeah, my brother won the US Open.

Yeah, it was it was cool seeing that family out there. No, the whole story, yeah. Do we call him? Is he a Fizzi? I need a Boston ruling. Is he Fitzmagic? Is he a Fizzi? Yeah, he's an Englishman. He like I said, I was very I was very heated in the moment because even that last putt by Willy Z.

I knew it was going to suck and then it sucked way more. It was because it was so like I knew that he was going to miss it. And I just I was like, just he's he's going to miss it. And then the way he missed it, I was like, God fucking damn it. You know what we got, though? We got we got an iconic shot out of it. We got a shot that we remember the shot from the bunker on 18. That was an incredible, incredible approach

that Fitzpatrick hit on that. Yeah, iconic. It was iconic. That was an incredible. You don't think it's iconic? I mean, that was like I won. I think I think he did. It's Patrick from the bunker. Yeah, I think they have to name the bunker after him because it was one of those things, too.

On the 18th, when he hit it off the the tea box, they were like, yeah, the only place he can't hit it is where he hit it. Yeah, he had an awful tee shot. And then they said bunker left is the only. Yeah, the only place he's like, boom, right there. I also had the added it was my son's birthday. And we had some family for his for the birthday. And I had to give like a speech right around the whole 14

where I was like, listen, everyone in my household, I have a lot of money on Will's Outdoors, so we need everyone to lock in all hands and then to have that happen. And just like, God, damn it, also ruined everything, ruined Father's Day, ruined my son's birthday. Just a little statistic here for you guys. I don't know if a lot of people caught up on this, but Max Homa and Brooks Kepka both beat Bryson DeShambo.

So isn't that interesting? You don't have to you don't have to outrun the tiger. You just have to outrun the guy next to you. The fat dork that does steroids, which they did. Max Slam, too. Yeah, Max Slam made the cut in four consecutive majors. Incredible. I was there on Friday. I was among the people walking around.

I got to follow Brooks during his back nine. And then I followed Max as Brooks in the morning, Max in the afternoon. Max was absolutely battling, battling for the cut. So I'm slamming his club down. He was pissed off and then Brooks. So obviously it's like there's a lot of AWOs there. A lot of people said hi. Recognize you.

I was talking to Max after he was like, I was looking for you, but I didn't really like the we were on one, basically he he out drove us like we were in a spot where we're like, oh, everyone we were there for 10 groups. Everyone, the craziest part about golf is like, you know, no matter what the sizes, all these guys are within 10 or 20 yards of each other on the drive. And Max had the farthest one farthest away.

Damn. But obviously there's a lot of AWOs there. A lot of people said hi, but it's obviously there's an older crowd. A lot of, you know, grandfathers, business guys, like people that probably don't really know what podcasts are part of my take are. A lot of guys entertaining clients out there. Yeah. And Brooks, we were following Brooks around.

He had a good sized crowd when he was with Scotty Shepard and Cam Smith and so many people yell Blake. Like every single shot, it's like, Blake. And it just hit me that this must happen at every tournament and at every tournament, there's definitely like an old guy there that's like looking around saying, why are they saying Blake? So confused. His name is Brooks and someone at some level has to explain it.

And that just cracks me up. Like obviously, you know how big the show is, but when you see the real world examples of it, it's just so much fun. It reminds you that, that the whole Blake thing is a lot of deep lower. Yeah. That's part of my take. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you wear a glove and spikes? I didn't know where I did. I did wear a nice rollback. The only set me a nice shirt. Oh, damn. Cause I feel like if you go to the US open, like you got to wear a glove just in case they are like, Hey, you want to take a shot. My favorite people in the world are the dorks that sprint to shots.

Like after they land in the rough. Yeah. And you have like at one point for the final pairing, they were probably like 600 adult men that were just sprinting down the fairway, like shoving people out of their way to ball to get closer to the ball. I also love the little, the guys who work for the USGA, I believe, and they have the little red flags. And like, if you hit just a terrible shot, they just walk over and so like

cockily, just stick it right next to your ball. Like here it is. It's all the way down there. I was the first cut of the rough though. That's what was crazy is like the first cut is, is the ball's gone. Right. I was, I was thinking like, is that at every single major event? Do they have someone whose job it is to help people find their balls?

Yeah, I think so. To me, that's cheating. To me, that's not the way that golf is meant to be played. As a golf purist myself, I lost upwards of 25 balls last time I golfed. Yeah. And I didn't have somebody that was out there trying to help me out. Like I, maybe I would have broken par too. If I had somebody that was telling me where all my balls went.

It's a fair point. And it's, um, yeah, I mean, the, the course got a, got a trophy. That also jacked me up watching that video of the grounds crew. You got a trophy. Yeah, the guys got a trophy. It goes to the course. Yeah. They handed it to him so that he could then give it to the course.

Because it was a course job. Well done. Like a very tough tournament. The video of the grounds crew, like pump, like getting pumped up before the final round was so funny. The course had a walk out. It was like a boxer getting ready for a heavyweight fight. Ground crew.

Oh, it's not the regular. That's the only major is the U.S. Open where they have the outside crew comes in and sets up the course. And all the majors. How can we make it harder? Yes. They're like seal team six that parachutes in and like it's their job to really fuck this place up.

That's what someone in the crowd told me that if that's wrong, that's wrong. I love that. But yeah, there's no, that's let's go with the guys. Some guy was like them. These grounds keepers kind of thinks of the ground keeper at the club. They just know you set them up. You get a moment for them. And they just get out of the grass comes in.

The grass didn't grow overnight. Yeah, the grass was, you know, they've been working on that grass for a long time. I feel like the the grounds keepers at the course, they spend months and months and months putting in like the behind the scenes. Hard work, ton off when they come. Yeah, they got to plant the shit ahead of time. And then they just grow everything super long. And then the USDA gets to come in and say they come in.

They're like, OK, we're going to we're going to shave like half an inch off this rough and you guys are good to go. But it was it was awesome. They were playing shipping up to Boston for the course like being like, let's let's fucking go. And the and the some of those shots when it would just it would hit a part on the green and it would just roll for 50 yards. I that was my I don't know how you don't quit from from being in person.

Is that putting isn't possible. They were tapping putts. And if it missed the hole, it would miss by 10 feet. Yeah, there was one point where I think it was Sheffler. You have to have a perfect read. Sheffler hit a shot backwards. Yeah, he had that chip and rolled back down with the thing like with Scotty Sheffler when I'm watching him play, I just assumed that he's going

to hold out from the fairway every time he's so fucking good. Like, I think he's, you know, the number one golfer in the world for a reason. But he was the one I was really concerned about overtaking Will and and winning another major because that dude is a fucking monster. Yeah, it also was one of those weekends where, you know, the live tour and all the talk about it. And obviously, you have to talk about it. But it reminded you like as long as you have the majors, the majors are just incredible.

They always there's drama. You know, people, the casual is not us. We tune in every weekend no matter what. But the casuals all show up for the majors and it did not disappoint. That was like high stakes drama that didn't go our way. And I'll be replaying that for a long time. I mean, Big Cat have what the kids call tour sauce. Oh, man.

Big time. Huge tour. Big time tour sauce. OK, other stories for this weekend. That was Billy Foster. I I'm happy for that, dude. I'm very happy for that. I actually want to get him on the show. Yeah. And I like I like Matt Fitzpatrick.

I put I put it all aside as much as I hated him for a moment there. Will Zalator has got to make that putt and also got to not get screwed by the 15th hole where he hit a better shot than Fitzpatrick and somehow got penalized. So Will Zalator is still really young. And when he played that awesome final round at the Masters a couple of years ago, that was like, OK, this guy, he might be the next one up. It's great that he's been in second place a couple of times. At what point does it become a problem, though?

Because right now I'm still looking at it from an optimistic point of view, which is like he's really good to finish second place. But if he does it like one more time. No, I think he's got a few golfers have like three or four year windows. Yeah. And also, I like that he grew the beard out. I think that makes him look a little older. Cut the hair. Cut the hair. Yeah, he still needs to put on like maybe 30 pounds.

I think I'm just going to add. I think it doesn't matter. I think I'm going to just add to my bet every major until I'm like at some point if he just never wins, like like in 15 years from now, it's like I bet more than he'll make. That's a blackjack strategy, right? If you double down every time, you can never lose money. I just I he's I'm forever tied with him. He's he's basically my new 50 50 raffle.

I'm just going down with the ship. But he I think we'll have our day. I really do. I think we'll have our day and boy, will it be sweet. This was a good fucking bet. I got him 41 to one. It was a great. It was a great bet. It was the correct bet.

It was great. It was a great bet. All right, other stories. Stanley Cup final, the lightning might be in trouble. Yeah, you think? No, duh. It was that was a shit pumping. That was never even close to being close. That was significant shit pumping.

And I don't I still feel like the lightning will make this a series. But holy fuck to lose seven to nothing. I don't know. I mean, that that doesn't really happen in the Stanley Cup final. It's a Brown's Jaguar score. That is that was bad. Also, we had a great moment. Scott Van Pelt tweeted about it, but and I couldn't agree more

when the whole crowd was singing Unison Blink 182 and S.V.P. pointed out like we as Americans have missed. Like, why did we miss the singing as a crowd phenomenon at sports events? Because it is instant chills, no matter what. What were they singing? They were all the small things. That's a good one. You see a clip. It was awesome. I haven't seen the clip yet.

Everyone was singing in Unison and it was like you can pick any song. It's what Europe does so well. Like when soccer stadiums sing songs all together, it's just like goosebumps and chills down your spine. So when they did that and he pointed that out, I was like, yeah, you're absolutely right. Like why did we miss the boat? We need more singing in stadiums. Well, so we do.

We have one song that we sing and it's well, no, it's two, my bad. First week, Caroline. Yeah. People sing that sometimes. Who let the dogs out? No, the other is Seven Nation Army, but they don't sing the actual words. They just do the and neck. Think about LSU doing neck. Yeah, that is when LSU sings neck. That's the greatest thing to watch.

We came pretty close a couple of years ago with Mo Bamba. Yeah, fuck shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, remember, it's fun to sing in crowds. That was lit. That was it. It is fun to sing in crowds. So we need to bring that up more often. The British do it well because they have they have Oasis,

which is a natural singer band and the killers they've adopted. Yeah, that's fucked up. They took the killers. They took the killers. They're not they're not from Nottingham. They're from Las Vegas, Nevada. Correct. That should be our band that we sing. Mr. Brightside. Correct.

So we need. Yeah, we need to start doing that more to crowds. Need like maybe we could get it for the water dogs who lost again. No, the official Water Dogs Anthem. Yeah, this is just game weeks, by the way. Soyoon, Pandidor, I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me? Tick Tock Song. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Imagine if we were singing fucking back at every water dogs. We stink. We suck. Sock, Jake. Can't win a face off. Best uniforms in sports, though. I mean, those those purple uniform. I think people were like, dude, that's not purple. It's fucking lavender or something.

People are called a fuck. They're called the the otter otter dogs. So there's no W this Friday. It's a battle for last place. Oh, and three chaos. Oh, and three water dogs. Who's on the call? My friend, Drew Carter.

Oh, I thought you were doing this weekend. No, I am. Oh, Saturday night. Yeah, they play Friday. I'm doing Saturday. I'm doing canons. So you don't have to do that. I do not have to do water dogs. Canons versus Chrome and then Arches versus Atlas. I'm very excited.

6 p.m. and 8.45 p.m. Eastern. Are you allowed to give picks on these games? Are you like Kirk Herb Street where you can't pick that game? Yeah. OK. But feel free to do what you think. It's the Chrome. Chrome's three and oh, they started. They went two and seven last year.

Only team that makes playoffs. Now they're three and oh this year. All right. So wait, what are the what's the first matchup? Chrome cannons. Thumbs up for Chrome. Thumbs down for cannons. All right.

You just did thumbs up. So bet the Chrome. All right. What's up on YouTube? What's the next one? Archer's Atlas. Archer's Atlas. Archer's thumbs up.

Atlas. Oh, Atlas. OK. So you went thumbs down for Atlas. And you're being too nice. You can't be like feel free to tune in if you want. Come on, Jake. Well, last year, Big Cat did the full quote.

Yeah, no, no. We'll fucking find you and murder you if you don't tune in. Yeah. Tune in. Jake is going to show up that quote. Yeah, Jake, enough people tune in. Jake will show his cock. And he's touching tribute to former broadcaster,

you know, the peacock. Yeah, ESPN plus 6 PM Saturday. What if it got more? What would you do if it got more viewers than the Super Bowl? Would you eat the color analyst's butthole? No, I'm not concerned about viewers. I'm concerned about having a good broadcast. You're concerned about us elongating this bit

and having you not be on the broadcast. No, honestly, if you don't tune in, we will kill you. Yeah, no, we will. Jake won't. He won't have anything to do with it. But me and Big Cat will show up at your door, and we will stab you. We'll do it.

It will be a great story, because then we will basically have this podcast become a serial podcast where we'll try to solve the murders that we committed. How about that for a wrinkle? And Jake could have stopped it the entire time. OK, other sports stories. Oh, I did want to just how can we just do a little clean up on the NBA finals?

How are we feeling, Hank? After a weekend, Traymond was on his troll shit, which he, you know, he gets to do that. Like he gets to he's I think his tweet today was like getting ready for game seven of the NBA finals lock in. He replied to Dave's tweet. Yeah, he which was like that is just a man in the arena thing

where and I actually talking about Dave, not Traymond, who actually is in the arena. But like when you're in the middle of a big series or a big game, you have to talk shit if you're a fan. And when it goes poorly, you got an egg on your face. Yeah, I mean, I don't that's what I don't really hate Traymond or the Warriors, like, you know, thinking back, obviously, it was a battle.

But even watching them watching him how he interacted with the players and stuff being so close, it was cool. You could just tell like how much of an impact he had on the team just as a leader and stuff. And obviously, when you win the championship, you deserve the right to to gloat and do whatever you want. So I have no problem with that. And it just is what it is when you win as many games as

Celtics, you're two wins away from winning the championship. If they won the championship, everyone would call them one of the best teams of all time, you know, Gray, young core. Joe Jason Tatum MVP, but they lost a dynasty and now everyone is just slandering like there's just so much slander as if they were a terrible team. Will is out to serve to be there. Jason Tatum is not good.

Jay, like, are you getting are you getting people doing the the Lea Mickey Lea fraud, where they're like, they're doing everything. Yeah, they're doing they're doing all that. And that's just part of, you know, that's what happens when you get that far and you're on the biggest stage. But I'd like to interview one of those. It's sad. I mean, it's just it's just it just makes it a much longer offseason. But I'm excited.

It's like they're super young and they're going to be back. We should we should interview one of those guys who's who has the tweet always typed out right away. It's somebody that that comes up with the initial tweet and then everybody else copies and pasted copypasta. So they just reply. They have alerts set up for Adam Schefter and they just immediately reply to that like to just like talk to one of

those people like what do you do day to day? I well, they're the same type of people that I briefly became for a second when defending Carson Woods. You become an LMA. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, guy. Right. Those guys. Yeah. And you just end it all with like a the crying face. No, you say LMA.

Oh, yeah. And then everything's funny. Yeah, because they're that I have actually seen it in Dremont's replies to they're picking apart the Warriors. That's just what we do online now. They're like, oh, yeah. 2015 Kyrie and Kevin Love got hurt. 2017 you had to have KD 2018 LeBron had no one. 2022 you played like no John Morant.

Only Luca Bum Celtics team. I feel like the Celtics are a championship champion. Hey, you better let that slide though, because people are saying that to get under your skin right now. But the Celtics, they're they'll be fine. They'll be a good team. You you can't obviously like bank on getting back to the finals. But I do think it's good having Brad in the position he's in.

Like Stevens. Yeah. What do you mean? Like he is now going to be able to help the team get better. Get better through the front office. I was one thing I forgot to say, which is cool. And part of the surreal experience was Danny Ainge, like Danny Ainge, Kraft and Grouse back like all walk by. Why was Danny Ainge?

He was there. He's wearing a Celtic shirt, too. And he came up. Yeah, he is a Celtic. He came up to Dave. It was like, I was up big fan, bubble, bubble. Like they all they all walked by and all like, you know, came over and like shook hands and stuff. And it's you think, wait, that's insane. If if Danny Ainge, if Danny Ainge walked away and Dave was like,

that was that was crazy. Yeah. If the cells have one, would Danny Ainge have gone on the trophy celebration? Probably not on the celebration. I mean, he obviously he built the team like he deserves credit. He would have. I don't think he would have made it about himself. I think he was just there supporting. Yeah. This is like the ultimate. He's got a great Danny Ainge moment, though, because he's a guy who's always

like, you know what, we were we're the second option. Katie told us that we were the second ones that he was going to choose if he didn't choose the Nets instead. So that's he's getting another one of those right now. And obviously Al Horford's the one where it's like, is he going to be able to play at that level again going forward? Probably not. But I do think they're in good hands to, you know, figure out there

the little problems and what they can do to make the team better. But it's not drastic changes don't need to be made. Give me a quick, a quick on the roster, like who you in and out on right now, like Jason Tatum, how you feel? Great. Great. Yeah, even though the moment, no, that's great. Yeah, no, I'm saying that's great. The moment was too big for him. Does he have dog in him? Yes.

OK, Jalen Brown. Yes. Just has to learn how to dribble. Yeah. And that's that's a great. That's a perfect, like offseason thing. Do you think you got to fix one part of your game dribbling? He's just going to learn how to turn left. Yeah. This is an issue. Tougher finishing at the rim.

Who who's got more dog? Jalen Brown or Jason Tatum? I think it might be Jalen Brown. The answer is Marcus Smart. Yeah. Well, Marcus Smart got all the dog. I think they have equal dog. I think Jalen Jason Tatum is taller. I don't think they have equal dog.

He's just he's just a taller dog. You can't have a little bit faster. Well, OK, if they've got equal dog and Marcus Smart is all dog, or is that too many dogs? No, OK, you got to have dogs. I'll I'll Horeford. I feel great. I just hope you can, you know, stay healthy and keep that fountain

of youth going Derek White out. Oh, you're mad on him, even after he had a kid. If they had, you know, if if he could shoot better, like if they could find someone that could do what he does, but also maybe shoot a little bit better, wouldn't have a nice Peyton Pritchard. He just needs to improve his shooting. I think he's I like him.

He's got that dog. That's a perfect offseason thing. Yeah, just shoot. Yeah, Grant Williams. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What does he need to work on? That's they're just scouting before. Well, yeah, it's like they're role players.

Like again, that's what I'm not. I'm not the GM. I trust Brad. It's like it's like if he if they made moves, I don't think they would make moves for Jalen or Jason. But if like they got rid of Grant Williams or Derek White or whatever, like I would assume they knew what they were doing. Who would you take right now for Jalen?

The Braun, Kevin Durant, Kevin Durant. Imagine if they did an exit in a few. Kyrie, Grant Williams and Brad Stevens just like, yeah. Like, so how'd your season, Grant? We looked at your season. You had that one good game in the playoffs. And then I mean, Robert Williams, that's got to be high. Dog. He's he's the ultimate dog.

Just get him healthy. Yeah, get him healthy. Work on that. Get him healthy. But yeah, the Warriors, like we talked about on Friday, I don't. Every time I see anything with Steph, I'm like, this guy, this guy's awesome. Like, he's just awesome. And he deserves to be in this conversation now, wherever. I don't like what he's done to the sport of basketball, but I like him.

Yeah. Well, it's actually not his fault because everyone's just trying to be him, but no one is him. Right. Right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Through no fault of his own. Right. He's just he's all the every kid out there that doesn't grow. If I put this way, I like the stat take. Well, every kid that doesn't grow is like, you know what? I'm just going to shoot from half court now.

Jackson. I'm going to shoot from half court because I'm six foot three. Yeah. And that's that's how I'm going to make it. I'm going to be the next Steph Curry. And fun fact, nobody's next step. Yeah, because also fun fact, his game is so much more than just shooting three. Yeah. Yeah. The people, you know, like the he's got like some incredible conditioning. The fact that this is nonstop.

The guy keeps running nonstop. He's he's great at ball handling. He's a good passer. He can score pretty much from anywhere. Like his his two point. He's gotten way better at his, you know, floater game, finishing at the rim, all those things. Yeah. So what do you say?

You guys always say how easy it is to be a Boston fan and act like, you know, my life's not hard. I'm three and four in championships. I've been out in person. God damn, Hank, that sucks. That is brutal. You've only won three titles in person, but you've lost four. I've I've watched four. He's negative one title.

No, you've lost your negative one. Yeah, plus minus. Yeah. Eagles, game seven, Bruins. This Warriors game in the three goals in two minutes or whatever the fuck. Black box. Yeah. Is Boston the most second? Is Boston the most first sports city in America? Yeah, it's just like you guys always like to look at the positive.

And sometimes you've got to realize like this. This shit ain't easy. No, no, it's true. It's not easy. Me and it's tough, man. You've had a really rather be like, you know, your guys sports. No, it's don't even joke about that. Don't even joke about that.

It's like a Hicks, like a fucking. Well, he is an executive, but he is like a like a Wall Street executive is like, well, I just wish some day I could just work construction and just like a simple life. Thanks, dude. It would be nice to not have all this money that you know, the taxes I have to pay on this.

It's sometimes when I'm driving to my estate, I'm like, wouldn't it be nice if I was just, you know, maybe delivering packages for Amazon? That'd be nice. You know, they changed the formula in my favorite caviar. Now I can barely even eat this stuff. Yeah, you can just go get a cheeseburger McDonald's. You would know the difference.

You know, I'm one and oh lifetime in games attended to see championships. So my plus minus is higher than yours is Washington. Yeah, he's a better winner than you than Boston. He's a bigger runner than you. District champion. That's just a fact. That is just a fact. Last thing before we get to hot seat.

Cool. Oh, sorry. Who's back? Stephen and and skip are beefing. They love each other so much. This is all shaping up to give us back story. Give a back story. I'll give a little back story. So Stephen Smith went on JJ Reddick and Tommy Alters podcast.

And he said Tommy Alter and JJ Tommy and JJ Tommy Alter podcast featuring JJ Reddick. Correct. And I gave the back story to how things went down at first take because a lot of people don't understand the complicated relationship behind Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Skip Bayless used to be like full time on Cold Pizza, which was the morning show on ESPN too. And they would have a segment of it that was called

I think it was first and 10, which later became first take. And it was just Skip Bayless debating a rotating cast of dummies that he would annihilate and wipe off the face of the earth. And then Stephen A Smith got put into the mix as one of the people he would debate. They had lightning in a bottle. He was clearly the best person that was facing off against Skip. And then Skip asked Stephen A Smith, hey, I need you to be my guy

that I debate against because you're the one that brings in ratings. We need like what we have right here is special in the parking lot, in the parking lot, had a super meeting. And then Stephen A Smith agreed they made magic on first take for many years. Then they had a messy divorce and now they truly love each other. But they're just they're doing sleepless in Seattle at the other side of the continent right now. Eventually they'll get back together.

I actually think that they're going to get back together when LeBron James retires when he finally hangs up for good. They should do a reunion episode to debate his legacy. It should be pay per view, three hours of Stephen A Smith versus Skip Bayless. Nonstop. You're just going to print money. And so then Skip Bayless starts to debate what Stephen A Smith said, because that's his only natural reaction to hearing Stephen A Smith talk.

He's like, I'm going to debate in a very dramatic podcast reading where he was just yeah, he kept on showing how upset he was. He's kept on calling him my brother, Stephen. How did you do this to me, Stephen? Yeah, he was getting very emotional about it was saying, Stephen A Smith is telling some of the truth here. I did talk to him many times. We what we had was incredible, but it wasn't me begging Stephen to stick around.

Right. And then there were other people at ESPN that were saying, yes, you did beg Stephen A Smith to stick around. It's it's also funny because like they they're so fucking in love with each other. They don't even realize it yet. And they know that that's what makes magic, the two of them. When when Stephen A when Skip is debating against Shannon, you know that he's secretly thinking about Stephen A Smith. Correct. Like at some point,

he's going to accidentally say Stephen A Smith's name, right? He's debating Shannon. But I just need the two of them back together. The people that didn't grow up watching them on television, you miss something truly special. Yeah, you did. And I think also Stephen is going to get like he's in this tricky spot now where, you know, when he goes up against Mad Dog, that's entertaining. But now he's going up against the younger generation

that just they're not buying in like JJ and CJ McCollum, just eviscerating Stephen A Smith. Part of me like I like it when those clips go viral because it's funny to watch like them just matter of factly dice up Stephen A Smith. But I also want to like grab both of them and be like, dude, just play along once. Yeah, they don't realize what he's doing. They don't understand the take game.

They're like they're they're looking at this like it's a serious conversation and they're rightfully offended by some of the things that this is saying about basketball players. And like a normal person will be like, that's insane what you're saying. But they don't understand the magic in the theatrics of TV yet. It's like this is going to be a great analogy that people will love. I'm sure when World War One happened, everybody was used to like fighting wars on horses.

Right. And so at the start of it, they just like charged at each other. And then they're like, oh, we got a machine gun. We'll just shoot all of you right now. Right. That's what it's like. Stephen A Smith is on his steed, like charging down at JJ Reddick. And he's just like, no, I can easily. Yeah, I can easily defeat your argument. Yeah. But it's it's nothing compared to the way that they used to be.

I know. And I actually think if we're talking about who won the divorce, I think I think Skip did. I think Shannon is way better than. Oh, yeah. Playing that type of game. That game. Yeah. Shannon is actually pretty good at it. Yes. But right now, Stephen A is going up against a mix of Mad Dog, which is the best.

He's the best on that show. Right. And then JJ just annihilates him all the time. And then Max Kellerman just basically pulled his pants down, bent over. Right. And and Shannon also plays the role of like Die Hard LeBron fan, which is great. It's perfect. Yeah. Lay Shannon. Yeah. I love when Skip calls him Lay Shannon. I've been listening to way too much of that podcast.

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All right, who's back? Who's back? Hank. I have a couple. My first one is reality shows. Oh, I think you're going to talk about the one I'm I'm thinking of. And I'm so excited for it. I think it's about a reality show for this company. Oh, fuck.

Is that the one you were thinking of? Yeah, yeah, I was. I've been thinking about all day. I can't wait to watch a new season. I got to find out which is the one I saw promo for it. And it was like 16 fights in like a minute. And I was like, I'm fucking in. But we are doing a reality show in Barstool this week.

Big Cat, his daily YouTube show, the Yak. It's basically being presented by the Yak. We have 12 potential future employees of Barstool. They will be going through four days of trials and tribulations. And at the end of the week, there will be one winner. And that person will be given a one year contract at Barstool. So there will be the Yak is every day at one o'clock on the Yak YouTube channel. And then at night, there will be a prime time show where they will you'll

you can watch basically see what they did during the day. And then there will be the elimination ceremony. So that's happening all week. Make sure you tune in. Would you say there's more trials or tribulations? I don't what I don't see. You said there will be both. It's going to it's going to be great, though.

Someone is literally going to be our coworker after Thursday. They're getting a job at Barstool. And it's it's there's a lot of different fun things we're going to do with all the contestants, whittle them down day by day. I don't know where you could watch like a show where you have 12 people to start on Monday morning and you're going to end up with one by Thursday night. Like it's like a binge watching real life in real time.

I heard one of the contestants is not able to fly to the taping. He had to drive because he's on some sort of a list. It could be true. To be true. Tune in. I was talking. I was referring to baddies south. Oh, I don't know. Zeus network. I saw that was a bank. Baddies south. Who's that?

You're excited for this? Watch the promo. Oh, that's a big that's a big one. You know what? I actually think Hank is talking about baddies south. You think it looks like oh, you you just don't know why. But I saw this promo and it was the most incredible promo I've ever seen in my life. I feel like Hank's taking his eye off the bonk ball. And I don't think you've been keeping track of big box.

I think it's been a one-sided list public Hank. I think we'll go. I don't know. Y'all need to keep my name out of your mouth. I already know none of y'all hold on. I'm talking. This is not going to work. What? It's like every scene is like 10 seconds and then they just start brawling. So, yeah, I was talking about baddies south.

But yeah, Barstleidle this week. Starts at one o'clock on the yak. You can meet all the contestants then. Yes. My other who's back was John Snow. Yeah, the prince who was promised. We've talked about it a bunch on the show and how I still have been, you know, in denial about Game of Thrones. You fucking love John Snow.

A lie that I do fucking love John Snow. Live action spinout series centered on the fan favorite character, John Snow. The Hollywood reporter has learned is in the works, so he'll be back. And I'll probably be tuning in. I'm I'm a little. And I'll probably have to rewatch Game of Thrones and just get rematch. Is this is going to be a prequel or is this going to be a post school? It's a post sequel.

Yeah, I like post school better. So in the post school, I'm a little confused, though, because George R. R. Martin has said that he's been working on the next book for last what, like 10 years. But the next book ends the next book. So he did this. Theoretically ends. He did this instead of doing the King. No, no, no, I don't think George R.

Martin is involved. Oh, you can just do that. You can take another man's characters. And yeah, that's what they did. Wow. Damn. Jake's going to write Boner Dogs. I give you permission, Jake, the PG version. OK, is that it? That's it. OK. Hoomst. Yeah, two of them.

Well done. My hoomst back of the week is part of my take. Yeah, we're back. Part of my take is back. I told Big Cat that's on Thursday, but I'll tell you guys now. And the only reason I'm saying on the podcast is because there are some people that have been working on articles about it. So I figured that we just get the clicks out of it.

He's going to jail. I'm going to prison for tax evasion. Imagine. No, I signed a contract on Thursday. So I'm coming back. The show goes on. Started all the haters who are crying and weeping. This is a place that I think I speak for everybody in this room. But like, I love doing this show.

There's no more fun place to work. So I'm happy to be sticking around here and taking on whatever comes next because I love you guys and I love you after listening. So I'm very happy to report that that's true. So suck my dick to every reporter that was going to break this news. Fuck yes. I just did it. Fuck yes. As Big Cat said, I've been working on this story for years. And I just tweeted it out. Yes, I'm very.

Yeah, it was a long time coming. This congratulations. This one took a while to get done. And I'm glad that it got done. Because again, this is I love working with you guys. I'm very happy to be back. Congratulations. Well, well deserved.

Very, very excited. Yeah, it's it's awesome. That's why I bought that guitar last week as a celebration. And I noticed we didn't get a gift. I'm going to. Well, I'm going to name it. Just wait. I'm going to name the guitar. But you got those ice cream sandwiches. Oh, yeah, ice cream.

I did get an ice cream sandwich. Got a cake for my birthday. Yeah, that's true. Just slices. Yeah, you know, what's funny is last week, I brought in cake on Sunday for myself to eat. And then I came in, I had cake. And then Hank was like, oh, you got cake?

What's that for? And I was like, however, you guys can have some if you want. I forgot that it was his birthday. He thought that I brought him cake. I just coincidentally brought in two slices of cake for myself. But it was for his birthday. He was for yeah, for Hank's birthday. More than a pop of dear. Yeah. Oh, wow.

How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you? How could you? Yes, congratulations, PFT. That is awesome. Just look, just love you guys. Yeah, let's let's fucking love you too. Big time. All right. My who's back?

Well, I mean, we should just at least say that he's south. Baddie south, but bicycles are back because Joe Biden falling off his bike is one of the funniest clips I've ever seen in my entire life. It was awesome. It was what there's no more perfect timing like comedically videoed out there. Like it's it had everything in it.

It did. It was like, I think did he try to say that it was the toe, the toe clips? I saw some I saw some like crazy bike people. Yeah. Being like, this just shows how many people don't bike with toe clips like, yeah, dude. Yeah, you're correct. So the toe clip thing is correct

that when you ride on a bike with toe clips, that's how he fell because he didn't take that foot out. Right. But also, what the fuck is our like 89 year old president doing? Riding a competitive bicycle with toe clips. Yes, I think I think he get the fucking dude appellate on. Dude, put him give him training wheels. He won't notice.

Give him a virtual reality headset and tell him he's on a bike and then leave the room for 10 minutes and come back in, have him ride tandem with some like Jack's secret security agent. Yeah. Right. Secret service. Like also secret service, like you got to be there. You got to be there to make sure he doesn't hit the ground

because if you fall and he doesn't hit the ground, it's like, ah, whatever. But the fact that he hit the ground was so fucking funny. Also that like he got to be careful. That was that was actually when I like realized Jim Calhoun was, you know, getting the end of Yukon. He he did like a charity ride every year. You just fall off his bike every year.

Well, no, he is like break his ribs and then he'd go out and coach and win like national championship. He broke like nine ribs one time and he still finished the race. Yeah, no, he did that like every year. He's like, oh, Jim Calhoun fell off his bike again. Yeah. So so Biden and to all the losers out there that are like, actually, this isn't funny.

He could have gotten seriously hurt. Yeah, I know that's why it was so funny. Also that would have been even like if you had fallen off and broken his hip. OK, I know like that's very serious when you're talking about a guy that's 90 to get a broken hit. That's it. He's dead. It still would have been very funny

that our president fell off his bike and broke his hip. Oh, and it became like I had to mute the mentions because it was like then people were like, well, what about when Trump did this? Like, dude, did everyone laugh at that too? Yeah, we could like that was that was that was the top of the news every night like when Trump would play tennis and his his ass would just be out there.

That was funny too. Yeah, we love that. We love this. All politicians are fucking weirdo losers. We have to laugh at them when they fall off bikes. That's a fact. And then my other who's back is our friend, Dan Dockich. I don't know how we miss this. Put a pin in this one, Jake, because it's definitely going to be on the takies coming up

in a month or whenever we do the takies. This happened on Thursday night. He tweeted, interesting. Pacers are praised for picking Reggie Miller over Steve Alford in 1987. Yet, Pacers have not won a single thing in the subsequent 39 years. Would they have won anything with Alford? Who knows?

But what we do know is nothing was won with Miller. That's I mean, that's that's a hell of a one. Alford. Steve Alford. What's what are Alford's career stats? I mean, he wants Steve Alford to be the Indiana, you know, because he's Indian. Yeah, it was the Indiana legend. He coached Iowa for a while.

I think he had some things. Did Steve Alford is he like one of the top five shooters of all time in the NBA? I don't think so. OK, so probably. Yeah, that's going to be tough to argue that. But they didn't win anything with Reggie Miller. That's very true. So I don't I had more to do with Michael Jordan. I don't know. I can't take anything. Dan Dockage says seriously, that doesn't end in my ass.

He loves he loves being like just tweeting out whatever and being like my ass. I just I just loved that he is still out there making those kind of takes. They should genuinely like I know that a lot of people don't like Dan Dockage. I do like him because he need we need these takes. Yeah. And if he was sitting in this room right now, I'd say that's a stupid take and we debate it and it'd be fun. So I like I'd say that to his face. But I hope he I hope I go on his show next week

and I tell him to his face how stupid that is. But I love that he's doing it. He's entertaining him and Stephen A. Smith should debate like those are two guys that I think to go out. I mean, that's just so wild. I love it. I love it. We need we need these to keep the take ecosystem floating around. I agree. Yeah. All right.

Jake, who's your who's back? My who's back of the week is Gus Duggerton. Oh, we have a release date for the new video game. July twenty twenty three. Oh, so next summer. So far. This is bad. All right. So hopefully you don't have time to play it and nothing bad happens. Whoa. Whoa. What?

What? The reason you played it is because something bad happened. So I'm saying hopefully you don't have time to play me person. Yeah. No, the way that it's going to be a real shame. No. Be a real shame if Big Cat were to die. You know what I mean? Be a real shame. I don't know what I intended to say. I took it the worst possible way. I did, too. I'm nervous about this game, by the way.

You don't think it's going to be good too much? I just I don't. We all know where Madden has gone. Like, don't make it too. I don't know. They're just video. There's something about sports video games. Like, I don't know when it happened, but it happened. And like, graphics got too good and the movements got too difficult.

Like, I wish they could have great graphics, but also some of the simplicity that we had. You know, like, when you think about the best video games, right? It's like MVP baseball in like 0405 or whatever that was. It's the it's NCAA football right towards the end. Tiger Woods, 2006. Tiger Woods. Yeah, like I actually loved Ken Griffey baseball for N64. That one was sick.

Like, there's something about the simplicity of those games that just works because I don't want them to ruin. You make the graphics too good and the games have such nuance and intricacies to them that it actually there's too much to control sometimes. Like, less is more. And like, NCAA football, 2014 is pretty much the perfect football video game.

It doesn't really get any better than that. But it's different people that do that game. It's not it's not the Madden people. Right. Completely different. I just I'm just I'm just like frozen in a cave somewhere since 2014. And they get that exact same staff back into place. I just I want to get ahead of it because I'm nervous because I was thinking about this when they announced it last week.

I was like, I just hope they make the game for the common man and not for like the dudes that are playing for like a million dollars in a weird room where they all have those weird chairs. I guess they're called gamers. The gaming chair. Yeah. Yeah, the gaming chairs that are like inhaling oxygen out of the aerosol cans. Yeah, I just I want it. I want it for the common man.

I want it for the regular guy who's going to play, you know, a couple hours at night when they get home from work. Like, give it for those guys. Stand up for those guys. Apologies for my phrasing. I want you to I'm just fuck with you. I hopefully you don't have that happen yet. Yeah. No, I mean, you are to the world.

You already took out Billy. So you're like one one one one step away from the from the big chair. No, what would be the matter? You went PFT announced that he got re-signed. So excited. Yeah. You have your even staring me down this. I saw him cross off something on his list when you said that. Yeah. Like, oh, shit.

So, yeah, what people don't realize is last wait a second. Last Thursday, Billy missed the taping, right? Yeah. Who was he out with on Wednesday? Yeah. Did you roof him? Did you dope him up? All right, we'll talk about Billy after we like have one more shot. What's the worst that could happen?

Did you did you tell Billy the wrong time for the interview on purpose? I actually told him we had a 9 a.m. interview and he freaked out. It was obviously kidding. Right, right. But that was good, though, because yeah, scare him a little. But yeah, we'll talk about it after Tom Segura, the Monday ruling as Hank said before we get to Tom.

Great interview. Definitely tune in. Great, great interview. It is brought to you by friends at Coors Light. Summer is full of official events like weddings, graduations and annual Fourth of July barbecues. But everyone knows the best parts of summer are the unofficial ones. This summer, Coors Light is the official beer of everything unofficial. Celebrating those moments that truly make summer chill.

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Voidware prohibited for rules. Visit CoorsLightSummer.com. Celebrate response with Coors Brewing Company, Golden Colorado. Okay, here he is. Tom Segura. Okay, we now welcome back a good friend of ours, recurring guest Tom Segura. He's got a book out. He wrote a book. I did. It is called I'd Like to Play Alone Please. I told him right before this. I bought the book. Thank you. Purchased it on Kindle, which means that I have, I'll probably read about 15 to 20 pages because it would be like the, right before I go to bed, I'll be like, oh, shit, I need something to read. And then like, oh, I have Tom's book, but you don't care, right? I don't care. I think actually, if you actually read the first 10 to 15, I might, I might keep you to like 30. Really? Well, I actually read

the first five. Oh, you did? About your dad. You did? Okay. Okay. Which, so here's a little teaser for the book. Very funny story. You tell about your dad that your dad is, I wouldn't say socially awkward, but he, why don't you say it? Like he just leaves conversations when he's done with you. Straight. Well, yeah, he did. He, he will just, he would be talking to you right now. And if you brought up, you know, I don't know, baseball or something, he would be like, yeah. And then he would just, and literally like, I've had so many friends go like, yo, man, like you're, I was just talking to your dad and he just like walked away. And I'm like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I know. And then sometimes you, you, we would chastise them and be like, Hey, man, um, you know,

my friend was talking to you. It's not that cool. And he's like, what's that? And you're like, my friend who was talking to you. It's kind of rude that you walked away. He'd be like, yeah, I was bored. And then he'd walk away from that. And would he do that to you too? Well, you know, he would just kind of, you could just tell he was, um, not interested. He wouldn't be like, you know, somewhat do it to me, but more so like neighbors, friends and, you know, people that you were trying to get to talk to him. I mean, just, just, he would just be like, and then I would ask him, I'd be like, why would you just do that? He goes, Oh, you know, if I'm not interested, I would, I'm just done being interested. Kind of admirable. Yeah. It's kind of like an efficient way to live

where it's like, Hey, I'm not going to waste time in conversations. I don't want to be in. Yeah. Yeah. He would literally just go, Oh, I was bored. So I, I walked away. And you're like, in the middle of the conversation, like, like literally talking, you're like, Oh, you know, we have the way that we talk to like each other's parents is a little different, you know what I mean? So people, like my friends would be like, Oh yeah, Mr. Sakura, you know, I, I saw in the news and he'd be like, Yeah. And then, and then just turn and just walk away. And they were like, Sometimes they think they offended them. I'm like, Oh, you didn't offend them. You bored them. That's way worse. I might be getting too deep with this already. But do you

think like, is there any chance that made you better as like a communicator knowing that you had to keep your day? It's like the world's toughest audience. Yeah, you're kind of right. Right. I mean, they each, like your parents each have a thing that, that definitely gets to you. And yeah, I mean, I would also, you could just tell with him, you know, that, that he was not interest when he wasn't interested. Sometimes I'd be like, I gotta tell you something. And I would start telling him and he'd be like, Yeah, yeah. Wow. Like that. And I'm like, Hey, man, like, I need you to like really pay attention here. This is important. I'm telling you about that. I'm having kids. Yeah. And then it would like,

or if you said, I need your advice, that was somehow a different message to him. And he would like show up for that. Oh, okay. He'd lock in on because, but you had to make it like this is a request. Right. This is a special request. I need you. I need you. Yeah. Then it's different. But if it's just cash, the other thing he would do is, um, he would call share a bunch of thoughts about, you know, you know, cancel culture, right? And like going like a 10 minute thing. And you go, okay, this is like an interesting conversation. I'll be like, well, you know, one of the things that I think he'd be like, all right, well, I love you, buddy. I'll go, Hey, man, like, you think I'm just recording the call or something? Like,

I thought this was going to be a back and forth. He didn't really do that. You just wanted to get it off his chest. It was always here are my thoughts. And then after a while, you know, obviously you kind of get used to it, but it's still be frustrating. Right. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, like, what made you want to write this book? I mean, I had zero desire to do this. So someone showed you the money? Well, not even that, man. It was that it was a little bit of money, but it was that it was during the, it was the deal came together a couple of months after the pandemic. So I'm sitting at home, it becomes clear we're not going to tour. And we're like, I don't know how long we're not going to tour for. And

I'm sitting at home and like, have you ever thought about a book? And I'm like, you know, I've sort of thought about it. Then they go, what kind of book would you write? I'm like, I don't know. I mean, you know, I've read a few humor books, comedians have put out. And then like, you know, like David Seder is like these types of stories. I go, I like some of those. If I could do something like that where it would be essays, stories about things that have either happened or whatever. And I kind of have this conversation with a publisher and they're like, okay, we'll send us like a sample. So I write a couple, I don't know, I think it's in like 9,000 words. What was the story you sent in? Well, it's definitely one of the something that's in the

book. I kind of remember what the first ones were. But it was like in that world of like, here's a humor piece, I guess you would call it. And you feel like, I don't know, you send in that, you kind of go, I feel like I'm done. Like, you know what I mean? You're like, I think I got it out of my system with this sample. And then they go, all right, let's do this. And you're like, how much more do I have to do? And they're like, Oh, a lot more. And then you go through the process of writing where it is a thing where, you know, you can't just bang out a book, you got to just sit down and write pages. And you realize that like, this is, this is really consuming. And some days you're good. It's like some days you, you sat down, you're like, I sat down for an hour

and knocked out, I don't know, whatever, like 11 pages or something. And it feels good. Like, this is progress and it just flows. The next day you're sitting there for an hour and you have like a paragraph, right? And you're like, I just, you know, and it's kind of like that where you're like some days you're productive. And you finally do send something in and then you kind of feel like, God, I'm fucking exhausted. Like with the, because just because you don't do it every day, I think writers who write for a living all the time, they do it every day. So it feels like so different. And then you send that in, and you start to get notes. And then you're like, this feels like school again, right? This feels like school because it's all marked up. And then

they're like, you need to connect this more, this doesn't make sense or like, you know, and you're just like, fuck. But, but ultimately it feels like, you know, like you cross the finish line. Right, right. Yeah, it's interesting that it's in the essay format. Because essay, when I think essay, I just think school. Yeah, I think like it's assignment that I have to do. But when you break it down and you think about like what an essay is, if you're putting together a book, it seems like it's a pretty cool way to write stuff because you can just like get your thoughts out on a topic. And then the next day, boom, you're on to something else, right? Yeah, I mean, I, you know, when they're like, what's the book going to be about? I'm like, well, I don't, I mean,

I don't have like a fucking area of extra expertise to write a book. Right. It's just gonna, it has to be stories, you know, it's got to be a collection of stories. When I overdosed on drugs, it's got to be, you know, the time that I found a body in a field with my sister, it's got to be about my dad's crazy fucking social communication. Like, that's the way that I thought. I was like, that's the only book I can write. Right. I mean, it's not going to be like, here is my book on physics. Right. You know, so yeah, I just, I just wrote what I knew, which is kind of like, we always tell this to New, like when someone's like, I want to stand up, what should I, what should I talk about? You're like, talk about what you know. Right. Don't try to go be philosophical

at first. You work at the coffee place. Talk about that. Yeah. Don't get too crazy. Yeah. Is there a chapter about Bert? There's mentions of Bert throughout about how bad he is. Did he get a whole chapter? You know, he, he's not going to read it. He won't know that. But you know, what I'm thinking about too, the more you, you know, talked about your dad and reading the first five pages, which I did, I should get credit for that. Yeah. I'm not even from you, from just the audience of like, I struggle with reading books. Is Bert similar to your dad? Like when I listened to your podcast with Bert, it's a lot of you being his therapist and him like unloading. And then you say something that he's like, oh, and then let's talk about this and changing the topic.

I've never tied the two together. And I think you, you may have really found something. It is. Like he is your dad in that respect. In that respect. Yes. He is very much about his thoughts and, and just like on and on and on. And you could say something like, you know, that you have like a story to share. You're like, you know, when we were in Jersey, he's like, that reminds me. And then he'll tell you a story has nothing to do with Jersey now. It's just like it clicks something in his head, goes off on that for like 10 minutes. And that's why you're, I mean, like I'm always, when I listen to your podcast, which I love, comes out every Monday and they tape it in bunches, which is always fun. Like a time warp that you got to figure out.

Two bears, one cave, but it's amazing to me how your patience sometimes with Bert, who is obviously very, very funny, been on the show a bunch and like, we love Bert, but your patience with him is shocking sometimes. Maybe it's because of your dad. Yeah. I think also he, he really does amuse me and entertain me. Right. So, you know what I mean? Like I love the guy. I think if you didn't love the guy, you'd get super, super upset or something. And also our personalities are so different that I can enjoy it as opposed to being like, I'm not, I don't feel like I'm competing with him. Right. You know? Like I feel like he's really that super fucking extrovert lunatic and I'm not. So I'm like, yeah, this is fine. Yeah. I can be around

this. How's it going? I do know that you compete with him in terms of gifts, right? Yes. In presence, because he told us one of the gifts that he was going to give to you. Well, the last one that he gave me was a Speckie 46 BMW race car. So how are you going to step it up to him? I have something planned. I cannot give away, but I have, I have a pretty substantial gift idea. So this sounds like something that we do on this show a lot, which is we get really into things and our own like weird ideas and traditions and customs that we have here until it goes to a place too far and we all have to agree that we have to stop doing it entirely. I think we're, we're about there with the gift giving. Well, I was going to say, what year do you think one of

you is going to the moon? Because that feels like that's what it's, what's happening here. Well, the, the, you know, it started with an e-bike. I got him an e-bike, which is like, it was three grand. And it was like, wow, this is awesome. And he was like, you give way better gifts than my wife. You know, he's like, my wife gave me a fucking wallet. He's like, who the fuck once he got really upset about that. And I think she got him like a nice wallet. He's like, what a shitty gift. It is a shitty gift. Yeah. And then I got him this e-bike. And then he was like, I'm going to step it up. I'm going to get you something that's more expensive and we'll top each other. And so it's been topping. It was like, he got me a jet ski. I got him charter flights in and out of

Austin. He got me a fucking race car with a trailer because you can't drive it on the street. Yeah. And so now it's, it's about, and that was a, it's a substantial purchase. Yeah. Yeah. So you've topped it. Well, I have to. When's his birthday? November 3rd. Do you have conversations like with your family, like, hey, you know, it's that time of year again, Bert's birthday is coming up. We're going to have to be eating lean. Yeah. Put that milk back in the bottle. I have little Caesars, not pizza hut. I don't say a goddamn word. Like it just is a thing when it's, when it's done. It's like, you did what? Are you charging some flights for him? Really? Yeah. Okay. How many flights do you charge for us? Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. Back to the book real quick. I'm always

curious from like the standpoint of the writer, if they actually enjoy writing, if there's anything about the process they like, something that like you find out, oh, I didn't, I didn't even realize that I like sitting down at a computer and writing every day. Or do you, like, what was the process like? Was it, was it rewarding? Did you enjoy it personally? Sometimes. Yes. Sometimes. Here's the thing. If I would have stuck to being more consistent with it, it's just like, like, in other words, remember in school when the term papers do, if you got going on it, like, you know, and you liked that topic or whatever, it's not, you know, it could be something you enjoy in a way. What would kill you is it like starting like the night before the decline. Right. So I had a bit of an

experience of both with the book where like I was working at it. There's certain times you write something and you read it back and you actually, it feels good. Like you go, I like the wordplay, I like the storytelling, I like what I'm doing here. Then there's times you, you read it and you're like, this sucks. Yeah. You know, and I think you, that's a very similar thing for stand-up. Like, I feel like when you watch yourself in a special, you always have bits where you're like, this is my favorite bit of this hour. Right. Like you're like, this is, this is a fun bit. I love the way this came together. And then there's bits where you see it, you're like, I wish I would have cut this. Yeah. I wish, I wish I would have cut this. Book has like a similar feeling. But ultimately,

I think you do, you do get kind of a thrill out of certain parts of the writing process. Do you have like a bit that you thought was going to be really awesome? Like in terms of your stand-up and you performed it and the audience just didn't feel it at all. But still to this day, you're like, they were wrong. I was right. That bit's gold. I mean, there's always, there's always jokes that you're like, this one's for me. We're like, and it's one of those, it's like jokes where you do it where some nights, like 20% of the audience laughs, but you, you have enough around it that you're not like thrown by it. You're like, I know this, this is good. And then you'll do it like that for like night after night. And then, I don't know, the next week, it'll hit big one show and you're like,

there it is. Right. Like it is good. And then it'll go right back to fucking 20%. And you just go like, I mean, I just had this conversation with Sam Arill and Mark Norman about this, about how if it's not, if it's not working though, like it's not working all the time, it's not working. Like you, you can spin it in your head, right? You can still love it. It's not like you can't, you're not allowed to love it, but you have to be honest and be like, this doesn't, this really doesn't work. You have to get over being like, they're the ones who are wrong. Like the real comedy heads get this way. I mean, you just, it's, there's still, like I said, you still get to go, this is my favorite joke, or I love this joke, right? You get to do that, but you can't flip the

fact that it's not, it is not working. Right. Right. You're like, there's a reason 20% of the eyes laugh and 80% are not. Right. But you can get in your head and be like, nah, like this is, you know, like, but they, they'll always tell you. Yeah. And if you do, I mean, there's one thing if you do a spot and it doesn't work out. But if you're doing show after show after show and you're getting that result, like the result is the result. I'm going to get back to Thompson Gore in a second. Before we do, he's brought to you by game time. Game time is the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. Game time is a ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last minute deals on tickets to sports concerts and shows. And they guarantee the lowest price. They crack the code

on how to score deals on last minute tickets. Everyone, what was the last, what was the first NBA game that you ever went to? Wait, what? What was the first NBA game that you went to? Game time wants to know. I don't even know. The Celtics. There you go. The Celtics. How'd you get in? Probably with game time, right? I think I went to a Magic Game. Not a Butterknife. Definitely. You know what's easy? I went to a Miami Heat game like when I was like 10. Same. Yeah. So if you want to get into an NBA game, my first one, my dad got me free tickets because he bought enough checks mix to the point where they gave me and my friends 20 tickets to go see the Washington Wizards play. And I didn't have 20 friends that wanted to see the Wizards play. I don't blame them.

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Have you ever thought about, we've tossed around the idea on this show because we've done so many episodes now over six years that we should do a worst of, where it's like literally our worst interviews. That is fucking hilarious. No one does that. No one does the worst of. Such a good idea. But the problem is there's some people that will probably be upset, Dak Prescott. The only thing you have to do with that, probably, well, if you want more people to engage with it, is you got to cut it way down so that it's like... Yeah, narrate maybe around it. Yes. Otherwise, just like here's this long thing. Here's this really long shitty episode. It's even worse. But if you cut it down to moments of silence or awkwardness or just like not connecting,

that is fucking hilarious. And I think the next application is very funny of it like, hey, we suck at times. Because everyone always, you know, the best of it's like, look at us. These are our best moments. Like, no, how about when we really sucked? Do you remember what was that? It was always those debut nights when somebody got a late night gig. Yeah, they get like three minutes. Yeah. But I'm saying their first night being the host of them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And those, I think it was Fallon's that was so fucking terrible. And now it's great. Yeah, exactly. You get comfortable doing, right? Those guys do those shows. They type five a week. Yeah. They never have like really weeks off. They do it so

much. But it was, it just showed you like he was like, I feel like I want to say De Niro was the first guest, which is a horrible guest to put with somebody who's like, I want to, because he's like notoriously quiet. Right. So he's like, you know, I'm the new host of The Tonight Show. And he's like, you're Robert De Niro. And he's like, yeah. He's like, so, and you can see him trying so hard. And De Niro was like, and it wasn't a bit, like it was clearly just odd. Yeah. And you had to go like, man, this is what you did for, this is your first night hosting The Goddamn Tonight Show. Yeah. It was fucking so uncomfortable. Yeah. Well, everything after that's so much easier. Yeah. Like your first night and it's Robert De Niro. I remember our first episode

that we did. So bad. Of part of my take was we should put that on the worst stuff. But it was right in the middle of like the biggest lull in the sports calendar. So we don't really have any sports to talk about. Yeah. But in a way, because we started off, it was like right before like championship week in March badness. So we didn't even have any big games to talk about after the Super Bowl. But it like kind of prepared us so that once we got to football season, we're like, this is fucking easy. Yeah. Yeah. And we, I remember specifically because we were talking beforehand, Chris Long was our first ever guest. And we thought I was a PTI does five good minutes. And we were like, what if we did four good minutes? And we started doing play it off music,

four minutes into it. And it was just the worst thing ever. We did a four minute interview and it was so bad. So bad. But yeah, I think now that you've said that that's a good idea, we're going to do the worst stuff. I'm going to, I'm going to guarantee that for the audience. That's really funny. So we should say, we should lie and say that there's one interview that we're putting in. That is actually one of the best interviews we've done, but not say which one it is that way nobody can get mad about them being included. Because hey, it's like when you have a death, like a firing squad, one of the guys gets blanks. What, because you dropped it already, what was so bad about the Dakwin? So Dakwin, we only had him on once, right? So he, it was bad,

it was awkward. I think it was the question I asked him. His middle name is Rain. No, his, yeah, his middle name is Rain. And there's a Dakota Rain porn star, right? Yes. That's what you said. Yeah, I was like, has anyone ever like, you know, like been like, Hey, you have the same name as my favorite porn star. And it didn't work. And then the worst part about it was he thought he hung up and he had his publicists on the other line. And she asked how it went. And he was like, it was terrible. If we put it in, we put it in the end. Because it was terrible. They asked me about porn. It was so good. We asked him his favorite color. He said gray. Yeah, gray. It was, it was so awkward that PFT just asked him his favorite color. That's not bad.

That's a good indicator. Yeah, well, I think part of it too was it was, it was a phone interview. Those are always the worst. He was promoting something. You couldn't see his face before Zoom. Phone's way, it's, it could be so much worse. It's so much worse if you're a comic. Yeah. Because then you go, you call it, and you're used to like, now we're so conditioned to like podcasts and just talking. Yeah. And you go, you don't panic. Like, I don't panic. And like, people who podcast don't panic if every moment isn't hilarity. Right. But when you like call in as a comedian on these shows, they're like, you're coming, you're coming to the fucking whatever theater here in Chicago. And you're like, yeah. And they're like, so what's going on right now? You're like, I'm just,

I'm just calling in. What's up? They're like calling into a radio show. They're like, what, but are you going to be funny right now? You're like, I thought we were going to talk for a minute. Like, it's so, it's such a weird thing that then they go, all right, so anything else. And you're like, has it started? Yeah. Like, I thought we were, we're going to chat about something. Yeah. You don't know that they're, they're expecting you to be like, I thought you're going to do bits for like, you're like, I don't know. No, that's not how it goes. It's not on command like that. We don't do that. I always thought it'd be funny if like Frank Kaliendo called into one of those morning sports shows, and he just like talked to them. And they, because nobody ever sets him up

for anything, he just like automatically dives into the voices. If you just talk to him for a while and then hung up and like didn't do a single impression the entire time, that would be amazing. Yeah. I would love it. I remember I did, I used to, I really hated like all my comic for, I've really hated radio doing radio, which is like a required thing because of these, how bad it would be. You know, I remember I was doing Hartford. I'm working the club and they're like, all right, we're going to do, you know, stop by this day. We're going to do one of the big local stations. Okay. You show up and the two people are doing the show and they're just like, you know, wait over there. Like, okay. And then they, okay, they're at commercial break. He's like, here,

come in, sit here. I'm like, okay. And then he's just kind of like not really saying much. I'm just waiting. I'm like, you know, okay. And then he goes, all right, so 30 seconds, we'll be back. And you can just do whatever you want to do. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, just take over. And I go, take over the show. He's like, yeah, it'll be your time. And I go, what do you want me to do? He's like, no. And he's like, 15 seconds. I go, Hey, man, I'm not going to say a goddamn word when it comes back. And he was like, what? I go, I'm not, this is your show. Yeah. He's like, this is how we're, this is what happens here. Like the comedians come in and then you can just do whatever you want. I go, I'm going to sit here just like this. And he's like, he goes, so and so

was in here, we could go took all his clothes off. I go, how'd that work on the radio? Was that a funny bit? And he's like, he's like, five seconds. I go, all right, man, it's up to you. And then he just, he was like, ah, and you could see him like panic. And I was the first guy that I was like, I don't want to do this shit. I don't want to do this shit. He started reading, you know, the laziest ones just read like two lines of Wikipedia. Like then when you read the Wikipedia, they read like, you were born Cincinnati. And you're like, yeah. They're like, how was that? I'm like, I don't know. We left. Yeah. Like I was going to ask you. By the way, blue. I love blue. Okay. Good choice. How about gray is an answer. I mean, that's a bad answer. That is a fucking

jab. I almost respect that answer though. Me too. Like he had to think on his feet to come up with the most boring possible answer to give us the least amount of satisfaction. Yeah. But we have a, we have a few of them where it's just like, or someone will come on and they'll just only pitch their product and like only talk about it. And it's just, those are always like, okay, that's what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah. I know. That's an awkward one too. And it's just like a hard pitch. I think that also, like you said, with podcasting now being like everyone has a podcast and they're all over the place, people have changed how they do these interviews and conduct these interviews. This was, I would say most of our really bad ones were like around 16, 17, when

podcasting were starting to blow up a little bit more. And now I think people realize like, hey, when I go on a podcast, I have to like, they're not going to do what you just said with a radio show, but like you have to be personable and hang out. Yeah, you got to hang out. I mean, I think it's even like affected late night. Like I did Colbert yesterday and it used to be, well, it used to be a thing where, you know, they'd go like, it's five, it's like a skill set to be able to like try to be entertaining in five minutes. Right. And we talk, I mean, it's going to be cut way down, but we talk for like, we did 22 minutes out there. That's perfect. Which now, now like, I don't know how they'll cut it. It's up to the how they cut it. But at least you really

get into like a groove. A conversation. Yeah. Yeah. No, we've had, we've had a couple like big time interview names come through that were like, we can get you him for 15 minutes and we're like, nope. Do you know what Colbert, because he's like such a great improviser and like, you know, some, some interviewers are like, I'll read this, this, this, but he's just like, whatever. Right. And he could just jump from one thing to another and he's like a really skilled improviser. So I, you know, they prep me this, it'll probably, you know, probably go in this order. I sit down and he goes, congratulations on not being a fat piece of shit. Dude, I couldn't, I was like, I was, I was about to pass out. Right. I was like, this,

I guess that was not prepared for that. But it's, it changed like the whole tone. Right. Right. Loosen the whole thing up. Do you have to have like a document ready to go or like you fill out a note card before you go on with, with late night hoots being like, Hey, here's two anecdotes. If they can tell you. Oh yeah. I think Letterman used to do that. Letterman used to do that because we, this is, we went out to dinner with a movie actress. Oh, that's right. And she told us that like her whole life, she had been like setting aside all of her good anecdotes in case one day she got invited on Letterman, she'd have something to tee him up for. And then he went off the air before she became big enough to go on a show.

Really? So she was upset about that, but they don't, could she be big enough? Is she big enough now? Yes. Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't think she, that's a normal story. Yeah. Yeah. She, I mean, we'll bleep it. No, you don't. So the way it's worked, like the ones that I've done have always been producer calls you for, they call it the pre interview and they, you just talk and sometimes they have like, like they go, I saw that you did this like on your Instagram or like, you know, I, I, I read about this and they had, or, and then sometimes it just conversation literally goes like this where you sit around and talk and then things will like hit with that person. They'll laugh at, they'll be like, ah, and then, then they'll talk to the host. It was, it was like

that on Conan, like that on Colbert. Like a pre interview. Then they'll, they'll talk about everything to that, to that host, right? And then the host goes, I like these, and then that producer come back and be like, he liked these. Gotcha. Our first time that we went on SVP, we went on the Scott Van Pelt show. Yeah. In our last time. In our last time. You guys do that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of worth it. It was even wanting more a little bit. So we got sat down at his desk and I thought that we were just talking to Scott Van Pelt and he was like bringing up all these clips and showing us like, okay, here's Bill Belichick at the Super Bowl Parade. And we were just like bullshitting. I thought we were having a conversation, just like

guys talking about sports. And then Stanford Steve was like, all right, we're going to go on the air in like five seconds. And then Scott starts showing us those same clips, but he had already like warmed us up talking about the subjects without telling us that's what he was doing. I was like, oh, television's easy. But no, it turns out Scott Van Pelt just like kind of knows what he's doing. Yeah, that's what he's doing. Yeah, I do that. I do that with some like interviews when we were, when we have someone over Zoom that like we have no rapport with. I'll try to listen to a couple of different shows they've done. And I'll just have them retell a story like that they've already told just to lose like because then they get comfortable.

It's like, I could tell you not like this story because you told it on like every podcast. Yeah. And like those, those always seem to work. Yeah, you're just, you're like, that's you guys do because almost the whole thing, all those things late night podcasts, everything you realize after you do them a while, you're like, oh, if I'm the, this is my show, kind of on me to make a guest feel comfortable. Yeah, right. But you're also like, you have to learn that. Right. You know, definitely. That's part, yeah, part of the bad interviews that we did was totally on us, like asking Decker about his favorite porn star. Sometimes you realize too that like, I know when people come in for us, you go, it might go a long way to like have like two-minute chat

outside of the show. Yeah, before. Like, you know, calm them down or like make them feel welcome or something. Right. And then it changes the, as opposed to like, sit here. Yeah, sit down. All right, ready, three, two, one, go. It goes back to the radio thing you were talking about, where like podcast, just in general radio hosts, and we know a couple good ones that we were like pretty close. There are some great ones. There's some great radio hosts, but by and large, there are a lot of miserable people in radio because it's, you're basically asking them like, hey, do a podcast, but it's live. There are words you can't say, and you have to wake up at like four a.m. to do it. And you have a boss. And the bosses are like, we're studying data that says

that this topic is not popular. Yeah. Like, it's really weird information they get told. And like, also, you know, if you can like Colgate, right, if you could drop that. Yeah. And every, the other weird part about being in a radio station is everyone usually, or not everyone, but most people behind the scenes want to be on the mic. Sure. So it's like a very like on edge kind of feel to it a lot of times. Yeah. Whereas our guys, they don't, I mean, memes doesn't want to do anything right now. Like he just wants to tweet memes out. He'd rather be in Photoshop. He wants to tweet some memes out on Twitter. He doesn't want to talk on the mic. He's happy. I got to ask you a hard question that actually speaking of bad interviews, ended one of our interviews once.

Did you read your book? Did I read it? Yeah. I did the audio book. Okay. So you read it. I narrated that. I want that. We had Lenny Dykstra, and I asked him if he read his book and he hung up on us. He's like, what do you mean? I wrote it. And I was like, yeah, but did you read it? Yeah, that's right. And he was like, because I don't think he read it. I think he thinks you were fucking with him in a way. I was asking if he read it. I don't think he wrote it either. I also think the jury's out on whether or not Lenny actually wrote the book. Yeah, right. Exactly. So I was like, did you read it? And he was just like, what kind of question is that? I wrote it. I was like, but did you read it? Yeah. Now, if I didn't, if there wasn't such thing as an audio book,

you would not have read it. I mean, I would have read it in, like, because, you know, you would get segments. Yeah. Right. But like, buy the book and open it. I don't think I would have done that. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's like, I mean, it's hard. I mean, I don't, I would imagine you have to, at some point, watch your stand up back. It's so uncomfortable. Yeah, right. You don't like doing that. That's horrible. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. I mean, we don't, I don't listen back to any, like, whenever we do something. I'll watch like snippets of our videos that I think are funny, but like, I will never sit down and watch like everything. The only time I'll go back is like, if something really made me laugh really hard. Yeah. Sometimes what I'll do is I'll go back

and watch that because I think watching it, maybe you can get that laugh out of me again. I just want to feel that feeling of like, I laughed my ass off at that moment. Yep. Or if I, you know, either miss something, I go through that happen, you know, like that kind of thing. But to just be like, I'm going to enjoy myself today. Yeah. We have one clip where we were, we were in Indian apolis for the 500 and we were running a mile while drinking a gallon of milk and then it ended up all of us hitting each other in the nuts and we all started puking at the same time. I watch that clip all the time. Well, yeah. Like that one I'll watch forever. And it feels good. I want that playing in my funeral. It's not just because it's, it's us. And we're like, oh, I'm proud of

that moment. It's because like, I would watch literally any group of guys puking and hitting each other than nuts constantly. Right. That's why Jackass is the greatest film ever. Franchise of all time. Ever. So literally all time. I think it's just, you did forever? Forever. We went to the movie theater together like, like took a picture with us all on of our snacks. Like, so funny. Those guys, and I don't know, I'm actually happy that they brought in new people because I think, I think it can last for a while. Like, I think they can do it again. The new people were fantastic. They were. They were really great. They still need Johnny to be the ringleader. But I heard that, that fucking. Oh, the bowl that that has really, really had a lasting effect. Yikes.

Like on his back, his brain. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Concussions are scary. They are a lot of them. And it's scarier when you're like 50. And they're also in Jackass world, they dole out concussions like they're fucking like mints that one scene where he came out of the bathroom and he hit him with a soccer ball going like 150 and he's like, damn, I got knocked out. It's like, wait, that was, that was four seconds of the movie. And then Steve, that was Steve. Yeah. And then he's on that treadmill bit, marching band and he's out cold, out, out. That's like his second knockout in like in the next. It is so funny, but man, yeah, that does scare me a little. Scary. Yeah. Stick to hitting each other in the balls. Balls are funnier than headshots.

Damn. It is crazy. You watch it because these guys are like, they're in their 40s and 50s. And then you see like those young guys and they got like slingshot it out and you just roll and just pop up. Yeah. They're like, that was crazy. Yeah. God damn. There is a thing about being in your 20s and just being like elastic. Yeah. Like falling differently. Totally. Absolutely. I mean, you know that. Yeah. We don't have to do that again. Although every time I've been playing basketball again and every time I tweet that I'm playing, like at least five mentions would just be like, you're about to get screwed. All you got to do is just not try to go to the hole too hard. Yeah. Just don't jump. Just fucking stay at the perimeter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just only break one

bone. Yeah. Just shoot threes. All right. So I had one last question. It's been awesome. So it is the rowback question. RHOBACK.com. Use code take for 20% off. First purchase. We've got Q zips, hoodies, polos, everything. We have something for you, hopefully in your size because we, I looked through it and there was only mediums and I was like, what the fuck? I'm kind of like medium large. Are you medium? No. I was like, good for you, dude. I went from XL to XXL. But not a fat piece of shit. That felt good, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be chasing that high for a long time. That felt really good. And I was like, he's like, I mean, I saw your old stuff. I was like, wow. Yeah. Good. He's like, you look healthy. I'm like, great. Hell yes.

So go buys by Tom's book. It's called I'd like to play alone, please. Out now. My last question was what was your favorite chapter, right? Well, I did. I did love writing. My dad died right after I turned this in. So writing the chapter about him and going back to it, you know, that was like emotional. Yeah. Yeah. Emotional, but also like, I think it was a great way to like, you know, like talking about his social awkwardness, the way he would bring up combat, like Vietnam at like family dinners and stuff and his obsession with his flatulence and taking shits like like summarizing like things that like made me, you know, I think about him and like makes me laugh. Right. Were those things. And then I think the story, like I, the story I wrote

called West, which is about like, it starts off trying to be, I guess, a chapter about spending a lot of time at Viral Beach, which has like this very, the largest income gap disparity in the nation, meaning like there's super wealthy people concentrated in one area. And then what it's like when you go out West. And one of the times that I did that is the time I was with my younger sister, we're going to a friend's house and on the way she points out that she saw something on the road, on the field. And then I ended up, I didn't want to turn around because it's one way streets, you know, I was like, no, she's like, I swear we go around, go around and we see a motorcycle in this field. And I'm like, Oh shit, because the headlight is on and it's laying on

its side. And we start walking around and about, you know, 20, 30 feet away as a body. So that story, like telling that story. And like the whole thing that happened was like, it was fun because I remember, it was one of those things where I remember sending in a draft and like I wanted it to work, but it wasn't working yet as a story. And I got really good notes, which is something like you kind of really learn to appreciate. And by working on it, it became a chapter that I like the most, I think. Wow. How quickly were you like, when did the crash happen? So I was figured out. It must have been pretty recent. And when I went up to the guy, I see him laying on the side, my sister's like freaking out. She won't, I get close

and I'm super nervous. I've never been around. So I go like, sir, like I'm saying, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Right. And I like inch close with like my finger out my index finger. And I end up just touching him on the shoulder. And I when I touch him, I'm like, sir, sir. He goes like groans. And I'm like, holy shit. And I all I remember, like at the time, no, I probably say the same thing right now, which is don't move. Right. You always hear like, don't move somebody in an accident. I'm like, don't move, don't move, don't move. And he like starts moving. And I'm like, sir, stop. You were in an accident. And then he pushes himself up. He's laying down. He pushes himself up. And when he sits up, the top of his head just flaps open. Right. Like fully flaps

open. And I'm like, you know, and then I just, I had already called 911. I'd run back before, once I saw him, I called 911. And then they police come ambulance and they land a helicopter in there. And they take him out that way. Was he was he dead when the helicopter landed? No, he survived. He survived. Yeah. Whoa. He survived. And then months later, when you say you found a body. Yeah, that's a that's a real plot twist. Yeah. Like, it turns out he was alive. He was one of those guys that didn't laugh at one of your funniest jokes. I wish he was dead. I should never have called 911. They tried to get me to testify at a trial because they were trying to charge him with like DUIs and like a destruction of property

and all this stuff. Yeah, this is like months later. And you were like, fuck that. I threw it in the trash. Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. Damn. Yeah. You saved his life. Yeah. I think my sister did. Yeah. I reluctantly. You poached him. You were the one. You poached him. Don't move. All right. Well, Tom, thank you very, very much. Everyone go buy the book. I mean, that's that story. We'll right there. Yeah, that's a holy fuck. I can't wait to read that chapter. Thank you guys. Tom Seguro is brought to you by Upstart. Upstart powered personal loans can help you pay down high interest debt all online with simple and easy to understand payment terms. Upstart has helped over 1.8 million customers on their path to financial freedom. Whether it's paying off credit

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