Pardon My Take - March Madness Day 1, Coach Frank Martin And NFL Free Agency

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

We recap a crazy day of March Madness and Kentucky choing as a two seed as well as other upsets and storylines(00:03:13-00:21:24). NFL Free Agency talk and Davante Adams traded to the Raiders(00:21:24-00:38:48). Coach Frank Martin joins the show to talk about coaching, what it takes to win in the tournament and his former life as a bouncer(00:38:48-01:12:05). We finish up with Fyre Fest of the week(01:12:05-01:26:36).You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, Bert Kreischer back in studio, people thought I was joking at the end of Friday's show when I said he's on, on Monday's show, because they thought I was just saying the original interview, but no, he came back, all new stories, hilarious guests, laughed, very, very hard, multiple times talking about all Bert's hijinks. We have our final four set, the Blue Blood Invitational is set, we're going to talk about

the weekend, the Elite Eight, Friday Night's Games, where we're at as a podcast, it's going to be a blood war in New Orleans, and then after Bert we're going to talk, Billy's got his spreadsheet, we're going to do some Marsh Madness, he's going to tell us some of his one shining moments, and Hank has a full send parlay that he's contemplating that we will discuss as well. Before we do all of that, let's talk about Mountain Dew. This March, Mountain Dew signed a new roster of athletes, ballers with personalities as bold as their flavors, and the ability to ignite a stadium full of fans in an instant.

The unsung heroes of Mountain Dew, Spark Squad, were given a special mission this March, if they score in a game where their team wins, Mountain Dew would dump a truckload of free Mountain Dew on campus for Hoops fans to enjoy. The Mountain Dew Spark Squad featured fan-favorite players, Carter Booth of Iowa State, Avery Hughes of Arkansas, Andrea Catramatos, thank you of Baylor, unfortunately, despite some heroic efforts, our Spark Squad team members have been eliminated from the competition this March, even though our players didn't score during a team win, Mountain Dew still wants to honor these awesome athletes.

So, Baylor, Iowa State, Arkansas, be on the lookout for Mountain Dew on your campus in the coming weeks, that's again, Baylor, Iowa State and Arkansas, be on the lookout for Mountain Dew on your campus in the coming weeks, you had some unfortunate ends to the tournament, but you got the Mountain Dew Spark Squad showing up and dropping off a ton of Mountain Dew. Thank you to Mountain Dew. Thank you to Mountain Dew on this podcast, and they will be hooking up our friends at Baylor, Iowa State and Arkansas in the coming weeks, so thanks again to Mountain Dew and

the Mountain Dew Spark Squad, okay, let's go. Welcome to part of my take today is Monday, March 28th, and the Blue Blood Invitational is set, the Final Four is ready to go, the Holy War, Duke vs. UNC, Kansas and Villanova were there, it's going to be an all time weekend in New Orleans. This might be the best Final Four start to fit, in terms of brands, in terms of not to go all our word on you, but if you look at, you mentioned Blue Bloods, these are four, I would even say Villanova might be a Blue Blood, I saw somebody ask you if they were a Blue Blood.

Blue Blood is how you could refer to them, but they do also, they had the 85, you know, so they're, I always say counter to that, is like Duke wasn't anyone until Coach K showed up. Yeah. So, I mean, you got to build your history at some point. I would take away, I would take away one drop of Blue Blood from Kentucky like Elizabeth Holmes, and I'm giving it to Villanova. Biggest losers are definitely Kentucky, Indiana, UCLA, the Blue Bloods that didn't get invited

to the Blue Blood Party, and a special terrible, terrible weekend. If you are an NC State fan, go abroad, go somewhere where your cell phone doesn't work. Do not watch these games. I feel terrible for you. I don't know. I mean, NC State, I think NC State fans know who they are in basketball. It's like, this is, we had Jimmy V. But this is a disaster.

I mean, this is the, you're surrounded. Their big brothers are about to clash on the main stage. They're going to have, we're going to have a fucking five day suck of Coach K's penis, and then we're going to have Carolina versus Duke. NC State fans, my heart goes out to you. It would almost be worse. If it was a year where it was like, where Wake Forest was really good, then you're just surrounded by people kicking your ass nonstop.

At least they had that college baseball run last year. Yeah, and they're probably going to have a player get drafted top ten. Damn, that's so mean. That's so mean. Oh, I just realized what Hank did there. Yeah, the COVID fucked them. They were the best team in the country. That's so mean.

They fucked Hank. That's Hank. That's a dookie for you though. I'm sorry. They fucking know. They thumb their nose at everyone else. What? The state schools.

Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, safety school. Hank could have gotten there with his eyes closed. Yeah. Hank got a full academic scholarship to NC State, turned it down. I do think though that if you and see, and it's interesting, like everyone's going to say, oh, these two teams have never played before in the NCAA tournament. Have you heard that one yet?

Wait, what? No, that's first reported by us, unparted by take. First time. If you see anybody saying that this is the first time they're playing in the history of the tournament, that stat actually came from us initially. I think that we're in a position where if UNC wins, that would be an all time vindication for Roy Williams being a better head coach than Coach K. Not only all the stats that we've laid out before you showing what Roy Williams has done since he got to Carolina

at that same time period against Coach K's teams, but if Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand chosen successor beat Coach K who stuck around for a year long suck fest only to have the most talented team in college basketball that ended up losing to Roy Williams handpicked successor after he walked away with no retirement suck fest, I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy. He also though has, it could go the other way for him, UNC could lose and Kansas could win it all. And then Bill Self, he already has a better resume at Kansas than Roy Williams did, but

it would be like a total dunk on of his resume at Kansas for Roy Williams. I'd be fine with that. Best. Yeah. He was a better Kansas coach than Roy Williams. He was. Roy Williams was better in the state of North Carolina than Coach K. So I, you know, this is going to be on a personal level.

This is, I would imagine my, the biggest game of my life where neither of my teams have anything to do with it. I was trying to think about it like obviously a big Packers playoff game or LeBron in the finals. This is, it's everything you love about sports because I like, if UNC wins, it will be one of the best nights ever again without my team involved. If Duke wins, it couldn't be more of a storybook like ride for coach K. He's already, I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the final four is like his farewell tour

has worked. And I also just want to say Hank, I feel for coach K at this point in the farewell tour. He had a quote on Wednesday where he said, it wears on you a little bit because everywhere you walk, everyone is taking a picture of you and they're watching everything. And I just like this poor guy, everyone's trying to take a picture of him on this tour that he announced 10 months ago. I never saw this come. That was never the idea that I could get.

Never, ever. It was all about the players all the time. So coach K living in a fishbowl here again after announcing his retirement tour 10 months ago and then making everyone suck him off for 10 months straight. I feel bad for him. His penis is probably tired, Hank. He's been sucked dry. Yeah.

And he's still got five more days to go. Yeah, it's only so much you can produce. So yeah, this, it's, this is monumental. I'm very, very nervous for this weekend because it's all, I spent all day Saturday. Speaking of great facts, maybe my favorite, like the best, the best Twitter bitcats ever performed has ever had. I made myself. Started to spend a Saturday.

It was like porn. I was sick. I made myself sick on Saturday. Were you Durham Dan? I was. I was Dukie Dan. I ended up Saturday night like having a splitting headache because I spent all day Saturday looking up obscure coach K facts and tweeting about how he was already in the final four.

I even had quigs and memes work up a Photoshop that I pretended that Duke deleted a tweet and everyone thought it was real. So I had to like actually be like, yo, wait, this isn't real. Wait, what tweet was it? It was, it was a congrats on your thirteenth final four from the Duke men's basketball like accidentally set ahead of time right before the game. I was like, okay, I spent all day trying to jinx Duke. And then right before the game, I tweeted it was like, guys, I'm a little nervous that

that Duke just jinxed this and everyone took it as real and was like NCAA rigged. We like, you got, you tell me this isn't already set. Did you get reported for misinformation? I don't know, but I know that has been flagged. I know that I looked at the quote tweets after like 10 minutes and everyone was like, the shit is so rigged, they already fucking know they're in the final four. That would have been that would have been very funny if Big Cat and the Babylon B were the two people after fighting to get back onto Twitter.

I was, yeah, so it's it's it's been a a hellacious time. I don't know. I'm getting dunked on by Grace and Alan on Thursday night, which I there's an extra special like thing that sucks that happens is when I get dunked on and I retweet it because, you know, I deserve to get dunked on. I went game of the year on Texas Tech. It didn't work out. I always will eat my humble pie when it when things blow up in my face, but I

retweeted it and then like two seconds later, I see Henry Lockwood retweeted it because he saw me. But it was a different as a retweet that was not in the spirit of good fun. Yeah. And he saw me retweet it. You know what he then spite retweeted in my face. No, it was like, I'm thank you for bringing this to my attention. What you did was what you did was targeted harassment.

Correct. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. That's exactly when Big Cat did it. It was like, oh, I can joke about myself. Yeah, like I can eat it. It's like promotion. It's like, well, you know, we're in a sports podcast when you know these major

sports athletes are in. Is he the first person that has ever been dunked on by Grayson Allen? No, he's he's thrown down. The other one, the other one yesterday that it came out of spider came out of this this joking phrase. But the bear Chris Valica replied to one of your tweets talking about how they're going to win, go to the final four already before the game. He said today they will beat Arkansas, which beat them in 1994 title game.

You'll then lost to UNC in final game at Cameron, and then he will be Kansas in title game. OK, wins his last game in last title versus the same team he beat for his first title. It is it is laid out like a storybook. But let me also I almost cry. It's kind of crazy. This is this is it. No, it's not that is beautiful because fucking coach K has been coaching

for 200 fucking years. Of course, he's played every team in the tournament. The guy won't fucking give up a job just like he's three in a row. Three in a row is is beautiful. A team that you lost to a team that you lost to you in the championship. It is. Well, yeah, I guess that too. Who do they beat in the? Oh, the Fullerton.

Yeah, Fullerton that there's probably somebody's find me that storyline out there that somehow connects coach K to Cal State Fullerton. I mean, Jake, I'm just going to talk about running out of loads. Like he's going to come every single day. See some of the connections I made last night. I do want to see though, Jake, that that'll be a good project for you. Figure out because that's going to be missing piece. Somebody will be able to connect a dot on every single one of coach K's

victories this March, badness, except Fullerton. So if you have that extra I did this as a joke yesterday and I made myself so fucking sick doing it because I found some insane stats. So coach, I don't know why I'm repeating this. It's again, it makes me want to fucking jump in front of a bus. But coach K, the most the site that has held the most final fours in his career since he been at Duke is the Superdome. Yet he never has been to a final four in the Superdome.

He even had a stretch where he went to seven out of nine final fours. The two that didn't go during that stretch were in the Superdome. And the one of them was one by Bobby Knight, his mentor. The other was one by Dean Smith and UNC in 93. Wow. Also, the one that made me really sick is he has made the final four from every region except the West. He finally did that last night. He completed the perfect bracket,

even though he wanted to be in the Midwest. Yes, I all these stats he beats John Wooden with the most final fours. It's just it's sickening. And there's a documentary camera. But again, this is what is great about sports because Saturday night is nuts on the table, lungs, liver, stomach, heart, brain, everything is on the table for this game. It's Duke Carolina.

Have they ever met in the tournament? Let me look it up. No, they actually haven't. So despite the fact that they've combined for 36 final fours, they've never met in the NCAA tournament off the top of my head. I think Kentucky and Marquette have met the most with 10. Wow. And it's it's everything is in there. Everything is in there. Like if UNC wins this game, it will be devastation for Duke.

And if Duke wins this game, it will be like the loss. His last loss in Cameron doesn't count. I know this. And the worst part is like on a purely basketball standpoint, Duke's playing fucking unbelievable. Like, I'll admit it, they are playing lights out basketball. They are so goddamn good on the offensive side of the ball. And like everyone that they needed, because I've unfortunately spent

enough time around Hank and Rico and Marty that I know all the players on Duke, like all the guys they were complaining about in January are playing their balls off. No, they're they're a fun team. Like, I don't know shit about college basketball and from when I started watching them, the first game, I actually saw them that that tip off game against Kentucky. I checked in with Duke a few times with the courts of the year. They seem like they have the best team when everybody's like when when you have Ben Carroll, Roach and Kiehl's all playing well at the same time.

I don't Roach is the one I don't think that you can stop. They hate they hated Roach in January. They thought Mark Williams couldn't do anything in January. Williams is awesome. Now these guys are like all stars. Oh, also, I just thought of this. I popped in my head because you mentioned that first game. Didn't Kentucky win that game? Did they beat Duke? No, I don't think one.

I know Kentucky kicked the shit out of Kansas. So that's got to hurt to know that you you beat the fuck out of a team that is in the final four. I will also be claiming this Duke National Championship on behalf of Northern Virginia, because they have two guys that went to school at Chantilly, like right down the street. This is this is a Nova championship. And actually, you know what?

Think about this, but if they beat UNC, they get to the championship game. Wouldn't it be sweeter to see Coach K go out losing in the national on the biggest possible stage? Oh, yeah, that would be awesome. But again, I'm running out of time. I've done everything. I went game of the year on his ass. I went fucking reverse and Dukey Dan on his ass all day, made me want to kill myself.

I now I'm going to put him in the CLP. I'm running out of bullets. I don't know what else to do. It's it's going to happen. I've kind of come to terms with the fact that like it's probably going to happen. And we leave the room. It's it's good. No, it's going to make me so so a part of me will die.

A part of me will die when Coach K cuts down the nets one last time. And I have to watch it. And I'm just like, how can and then they're going to put out the documentary. And I'm going to watch the documentary because I have to because I have to find the points when he's being an ego maniac and a piece of shit and clip that post. You don't think he's going to be the one that has final cut of that? But I don't think he can. I don't think he knows how fucking ridiculous he is when he's like,

I'm just sick of everyone taking pictures of me. And and making this about me like he has no self-awareness. No, I hope they include the part where he told Palo, Banker to shut up last night on the court. That was something. Yeah, he came out. He was just like, this is the goat right here, which, by the way, I still think John Wooden is a goat. But she did. But so did coach.

Everybody cheated. Yes. Oh, by the way, I figured out why I say Wooten. I was watching the games of my dad last night. We were talking about the best coaches. He incessantly refers to John Wooden as John Wooten, which is, I guess that's like a regional dialect that I picked up from him. But as the region, just being your home. Yeah, no, it's as a Bruce.

I would say the McLean accent that he's got that throws off. But yeah, he, Palo, Banker was on the court being like, this is the goat. And coach K. What does he say? Oh, thanks. It's so nice. Or this is my favorite player. No, Palo, you're the goat. No, he says, shut the fuck up and get off the camera. Shut the fuck up. Go get another vodka soda. Yeah. Um, I have the Cal State Fullerton potential connection.

It was their first time ever playing each other, but on the date they played each other. Mike Joshewski was introduced as Duke's head coach in night. I'm not dating 1980. Wow. Yeah. Wait, that was when? When they played Cal State Fullerton was the last time. Wait. Oh, that was that. Got it. Got it. Got it. Yeah. Did you that Superdome stat was crazy?

Yeah, I fucking makes me so sick. I got to do some research on the Superdome and figure out exactly what the what the play is going to be for the over unders. Well, it's final four games. Because some some some football stadiums are good for points. Some are really bad for well over unders are on the unders on 11 and one streak right now in the sweet 16 elite eight. So that was this elite elite eight was exactly why I said this to start the tournament.

I want upsets early favorites late and I'm not even going to blame the the great run by St. Peter's or the great run by Miami or even like Arkansas who stunned Gonzaga. I'm going to blame the guys who lost. Gonzaga, like, fuck you, Kentucky, fuck you, Auburn, fuck you, like you guys ruin the elite eight for everyone else. Tennessee, fuck you. Yeah, you ruined it for everyone else.

So St. Peter's. That was we all knew it was going to end when it was going to end. It was going to end very badly. And that was I mean, it was never even close. We always say like if a team pulls off that upset, ninety nine times out of 100, you and see wins this game. Yeah, this was one of the ninety nine times. Yeah, you know, also no one hated that game more than Matt Painter

because he was watching that game being like, wait, this wasn't this. What's happening here? I thought this team was really good. What a bad job he did that Purdue did against them. Like you have you've got them outsized. You've got them. You've got one of the best players in the entire country. And then you just show up and you get dominated by guys that probably

position to position. You were probably four to five inches short of them. Yeah, across the board. Yeah, that was a really bad game plan that they had. Also, St. Peter's had a lot of good shots in that game. But the the slipper is off of the peacocks. Yeah. And we should we should at least mention because I think unfortunately for Nova and Kansas fans, they're basically in the back seat

for this final four, even though they are blue bloods and have like, you know, incredible history, basketball history and fans and everything. But this is this is not going to be about them like trigger warning. It's not going to be about you for the next five days, six days. But Villanova, a terrible that that more got hurt. They are the most consistent team in the country. Like they just everyone had Houston, everyone had Houston. And it's like, oh, OK, Villanova is getting points there.

Like that game was very difficult to watch. But that's Villanova just doesn't. How soon when how soon do you think until we see Nick Siriani showing up with the Villanova shirt? Oh, for sure. He's probably getting like a big V tattooed on his arm. He's definitely got it. And then Kansas, like they deserve all the credit because they had the softest bracket. But guess what? They took care of business.

That second half, they skull fucked Miami and I feel bad for Miami because they were they did win the game of the year on Friday night. But they that was just like, OK, yeah, Kansas is really, really, really good. And Bill Self credit to Kansas for having the situational awareness in the locker room after no one no one does the water on Bill Self's hair because he's got a toupee. So that's very smart.

It's it is like a pretty good to pay as far as two pays go. Yeah, but somebody that spends that much time in front of a camera, especially with like the high angles that they have that point down on coaches, you can always tell like probably five years before a college football coach is actually going bald, you can start, you can spot it from those angles. But his to pay is it's a good one. But I feel like he also has to change the color of it once every like month or so. Yeah, stay ahead of the FBI.

The rest of the hair is like going slightly gray. So he has to almost reverse just for men. Right. But it is very funny because I noticed that and I was like, oh, yeah, I bet you if this toupee gets wet, it won't get wet. And people will be like, hey, why is this guy's hair not wet? Yeah, like it just it just it wicks off like fucking astroturf. He he would look hilarious if you just went full bald. If you had like the horseshoe I'm talking.

I just took the to pay off. I don't remember like ever seeing kind of a frumpy, just straight up bald dude coaching a successful men's basketball team. Well, I guess. Jaros wasn't frumpy. He was he was a horse. He's I have some little nuggets related to your guys over. You don't know what you're going to take at 2012 Superdome, New Orleans,

semi-finals, 130, 126 championship, 126. That was was that 35 second though? But 35 second shot clock. Oh, yeah. OK, so we're still scoring. Yeah, but that that's around where totals were when it was 35 second shot fair. Yeah, but those are all probably under numbers. Possibly. I'll look into it.

What awesome alumni do you think we're going to see down there? Do you think we can get Mark Manjino, Kansas? Well, Mark Manjino. But what about I mean? Everyone's going to Marty Mush. Yeah, Henry Lockwood. Yeah, that's a fucking bad sign. Feld, Seinfeld, Adam Silver, Kevin Hart.

What team will Kevin Hart, Jason Garrett? That's a big question. Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart's got a lot of choices. Whatever team pays him the most money. Yeah, I can see Kevin Hart showing up in any of the four colors. I could see JB Smoove showing up. I think it's going to be a star studded weekend. Yeah, MJ will be there, but he's definitely going to just show up

like right before tip and like helicopter to his seat out. Do you think MJ goes out and parties in New Orleans? I feel like he's got like probably a steakhouse or a bar that he owns in every single city. There's a casino. There is. I'd say like low key beef with MJ and Carolina, too. But he was there for the. I had the ceiling as the roof.

Yeah, and he was also there for the finals when Villanova hit the shot. JJ Redick already said that he's going to be there and he's tweeted. He's going to be insufferable this week. I don't know why that's a change from how he usually is. I love JJ. It's not. I hate him right now. But it's athlete Zion's going to be back in the mix big time

because he's in New Orleans city. He's hosting it. Wait, do we know where he is though? Because even his teammates don't know where he's at. He last I saw from Zion, he was practicing basketball on the court that had trampled. It was basically a slam ball court if you watch the video. Either he's so big that he makes the wood bend underneath him or he's practicing on mini tramps to show people he can still dunk.

It would be funny if he came out and like, I know there's no coin toss, but if it was just like a pancake or something like that, Zion is just eating. It's his city. People love him in New Orleans. You think James is going to be there? Oh, no, he's training. Yeah, definitely. His big time comeback season.

I'm trying to think who else Paul Rudd, possibly. He's usually in the mix for sure. What's his name? Other guy, Rob Lowe, Rob Riggle. Yep. We'll be there. Candace, Kirk, Captain Kirk. I would love to get a picture of Captain Kirk. Yeah, it should be Caleb Presley.

No, no. Oh, I feel like that. I feel like that's going to change. But as of tonight, it was a no. But yeah, Mitch, Mitch should be there. It should not only not only is he a UNC guy, but he has an enormous track record of success in that building. I believe that's where he won the MVP. It is, it is. That's MVP. The MVP is in the building.

Yeah, MVP, Mitch. I'm excited, though. This is I don't know. Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring final four. I think this is one of the. Yeah, I agree. Exciting final four. The journalist's dream. You could. Yeah. Yeah, OK. So it's boring.

Yeah, it's boring. Yeah. I would say a fan's dream as well, because it's I mean, all the story lines. And I a special fuck you to there's a group of people out there that I've noticed who are like, I don't like Duke, but you got to admit this is really cool. No, I fucking hate those people. No, I do not. They're like, I don't like Duke, but something about Coach K going out the right way has me like feeling some way.

OK, no, dude, shut up. Then you like Duke, you like Duke. No, it's any sports fan. I mean, any rational person who is a fan of sports. No, a fan of greatness would feel the same way. Unless you have a personal vendetta against Coach K or Duke, which everyone. There's no reason why you shouldn't. Yeah, probably because he beat all their teams.

No, there's no reason why as a neutral sports fan. No, you don't look at the story and be like, that's awesome. All right. Duke is binary. Duke is if you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan. Either you love Duke or you hate them. You can't be like, I don't know. I never really had an opinion about Duke.

I do think, though, that this is it's good for the conversation around it. It's it's exciting in the sense that everybody feels some type of way about this game that's about to happen. Yeah, that's fine. But I just so exciting is one thing, but it's not being like, you know, as as somebody who's not a Duke fan, I'm not like pumped that Duke's going to be there. No, I'm I'm excited to talk about Duke being there.

Yeah, that's fine. And I'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of Duke and hopefully watch Duke lose there. But that doesn't mean that I'm like, you know what? I can I can put aside my emotion and just say this is making for excellent cops. Dude, that that actually is happening right now. And I just want to like give a mini speech to all of the Duke haters out there that we've listened.

You've been tortured. This guy has tortured college basketball for 40 years. He's made it all about himself. He's won all these titles. He's gone to 13 final fours. He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball. Don't let up now that we're right there. We're at the finish line.

We have we have to close ranks. We have to have each other's back. If you hate Duke, continue to hate Duke. Do not like just because fucking make Mickey Shyshevsky shows up looking kind of hot. Don't be like, oh, Coach K, I'm feeling some kind of way about this guy. Add that to the list. Hank, yeah, that's definitely on the list. That's fine.

I did have one guy being like, I could never imagine during Dukie Dan on Saturday, some guy was like, Coach K is one of those guys that can never imagine having sex. And I just I almost threw up as I was typing it, I threw it up. I was like, are you kidding me, dude? Mike Kay fucks like a stallion. And I was like, I can't believe I tweeted this. I don't think I retweeted that one, too.

Yeah, I don't think he he doesn't fuck. He makes love. But but let's just let's just stay focused. Don't let anyone there's going to be stories written about like, I never really liked Duke, but you got to admit this is really cool for Coach K. And like, wouldn't this be sweet? No, it would not. If you have that moment for like one second, slap yourself in the face

and realize that he will have this over us forever and we'll have to watch a documentary and Duke fans will get to talk about how is the greatest thing ever. Duke fans have never gotten to go to New Orleans. Like they they haven't gone to New Orleans. They I don't think they shouldn't be allowed. Yeah, I don't think that Duke alumni are cool enough to be in New Orleans. I think we need a lawyer this weekend. Maybe they represent Tulane, like a Tulane kid that gets arrested

for drunk driving his car down. Oh, I feel really bad for bouncers on Bourbon Street tonight this weekend because they're going to get a lot. I'm a lawyer. My dad's a lawyer. Don't put your hands on. Yeah, don't get into a fight on Bourbon Street, not for the usual reasons that you'll get your ass kicked, but because you will face a tremendous lawsuit that will bankrupt you and your family.

I remember when in 2015 I was talking to a bartender and they're like, if Duke wins, we're making like a fraction of what we should be making on a final four weekend because like no one from Duke's going to party. Yeah. So you know how when Clemson goes out and their families go to like different away games and they bring two dollar bills with them and they pay you $2 bills, so that way they can show the impact that they're having on the local community. That's a real thing that Clemson.

Yes. Duke is going to be like that, except they're just going to have a bunch of business cards that they put into every single tip container. And decent to see NDAs. This is better than a tip. Just passing out NDAs to people on Bourbon Street. Yeah, it's going to be rough. Keep the hate off.

Let the hate fuel you. Another thing to add to the NCAA rigged pile. A first year head coach has never won a national championship. Wow. What was he playing against? Kevin Olly was not first year. I don't think so. I think he might have been.

So it also might have been an old article that I read earlier today. It'd be great if the article was like 2010. Yeah, it could have been. I don't know. I can't. I know he won very quickly after Jim Calhoun. But how awesome was one or how awesome would be 2012 to 2018. Okay.

So is this 2014? Yeah. How awesome would it be if coach K got beat by a guy named Hubert? Yeah. I love Hubert. Hubert is such a cool name. Some podcasts put him on the hot seat this year. Not us.

I mean, I'll represent the team, but it was an individual. So I'm going to go down that road. I'm excited though. This is going to be great. It's awesome. Tony Bennett and Hubert Davis both on the hot seat by some individual. This is what we call biting your tongue. You're going to be in the building, right?

You're going to be credentialed. Covering it as the J. I'm expecting to be on the roof, but it's going to be unbelievable. Yeah. It's going to be so much fun. Yeah. Press conferences. You're going to be at all of them.

Can you, can we please, can we, can you please ask a question for us? I think we can negotiate. Okay. Like nothing that would make me look embarrassing, but I can be like a little. Be like, hey, coach K, some programs are calling you a fucking ego maniac and a piece of shit here to comment. Right. Coach K, what battalion did you serve in in Vietnam?

Like something along the lines of those fucking camos. We got, actually, we should have Billy do that. Yeah. Something along the lines of there are a lot of people who really, really, really, really want to see you fail. What do you have to say to them? Oh, that would be a good one. I would love that.

Like something along the lines of that. We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan. Yeah. And so you need to be able to, you can't, you're. I got Calipari beginning of the season. Yeah. Coach K will tell you to shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Let's let's role play. I'll be coach K. You be Jake Marsh. Okay. Yeah, that kid. Was that Peltcha? That kid in the back. Hey, coach.

Not going to wish him good luck. Listen, let me tell you something about how to phrase a question. I could introduce myself as a student media member and see if I get a different treatment. Oh, yeah, he'll he'll fucking have you killed. He'd set that out in a second. Ask him. You know what? If you could ask any question, I would like you to ask.

Hey, coach K, an unassailable legacy, Hall of Famer, greatest coach of all time. Could you at least dedicate this final four to Pete Godet and see what he would say? That would be nice. I think the first one's more realistic about the failure. Be great if he was like at the end was just maybe that would actually that might be the one thing that would make me feel 1% less hate if he was like if he wanted and cut down the nets. He's like, and really who should have been here is Pete Godet because I fucking screwed

that guy over and wrote his career. He should at least give a portion of the net or share a title with him. Yeah. And if you you know that if he loses, it's going to be a it's going to be like Duke's plane and hotel bill sent by the house. Yeah, that question that I pose is more of like a Friday afternoon media day question than postgame because postgame you're really walking on eggshells, especially if they lose. Yeah.

If they win, maybe. No, if they lose, I want you to go all in. That's the thing. Yeah, I want you to go all in. Be like Coach K. His final press conference ever. If he lost to UNC, be like Coach K. Many people are saying that this completely ruins your entire legacy and all of your losses

are now magnified even more. Care to comment? Well, we'll see. All right. Bye bye. We have all week to talk about it. Yeah, we'll work it out. I'm excited.

Fortunate. Um, yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be a great Final Four. This is a Final Four that has just dreamt up in a journalist wet dream. Watch it. Beyond your house. God, I hope that was the whole week. You know what though?

This is like in the playoffs. Remember the first week of the NFL playoffs that sucked? Yes. That's what today was. That's what yesterday was for us. That just means that the next round of games are going to be fucking awesome. Yeah. No, these are the four teams that are playing the best.

You can't argue against it. I saw people saying like, oh, UNC, they're the eight seed. They were on the bubble. UNC beat two teams from the Final Four last year. They beat the national championship and the other two games, they won by 52 combined points. They're balling right now. Yes.

Please, UNC. I need you, UNC. I mean, I'm telling you, it would be the perfect storybook ending for every Duke hater in the world. If UNC took him out twice at Coach K. Suckfest night. I'd be so happy. At Coach K. Suckfest night volume two. It would be, oh my God, what a night.

Hank, drinks on me if that happens for the rest of the night. Awesome. Yeah. We'll have such a great time. If you're going to the game, I don't know if you're going. We'll see. We'll see. Shot to game time.

Yes. Maybe we'll help it out. Game time will get us all in the building. Just depends on where we'll be sitting. Okay. Emergency breaking news. We had finished the podcast. We were all home.

We are all home. And Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars. And I think it at least got the job done that we all tuned into the Oscars. I guess we should start. Are we all team real? Why? Wait, can you explain to maybe people who probably also

watched the Oscars? Yes. Yes. For people who did not watch the Oscars. Chris Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett, Will Smith's wife. He made a joke that he is looking forward to Jada Pinkett being in G.I. Jane too. Jada Pinkett has alopecia. She's talked about it.

She can't grow hair on her head. So she's bald. So it was the G.I. Jane Marine joke, whatever. Will Smith laughed, then looked at Jada Pinkett. Big wife guy energy saw his wife being like, no, that's not funny. Stood up, walked up to Chris Rock, open hand, slapped him in the face, went back to his seat and then screamed, keep my wife's name out of your mouth twice. And now everyone's deciding whether it's real or fake.

Go ahead, PFT. Okay. So I think that we can see it both ways. We still have to learn for some facts to come out here. I personally in team real, I think it's very real. But if you were to make the argument that's team fake, there are some things that line up for that, right? One, it's the Oscars.

They're literally the best actors in the world in that room. Chris Rock included. Their ratings have been lower than probably they've ever been in the past. So they need a little bit of a goose. It's like a little, a little WWE energy. Item number three, Chris Rock weighs like 70 pounds and he kept his pivot foot. If you watch the slap, his body just moves. His pivot foot stays down.

So that you could make the argument that, yes, it's just engineered for people to tune in. Yeah. Okay. Do you, can I throw some reels out there? I've got, no, I think it's real. So the real is like, I think a lot of us have probably been in a position next to what Will Smith is dealing with. He's like laughing, okay, good joke, good joke. You got me good.

He looks over, he sees his wife. She did not think it was a good joke. She was very upset. And Will Smith also had to sit through some jokes about their open marriage at the start of the show too. And he's like, fuck, if I don't do anything, she's definitely going to cheat on me again. Like Will Smith has the cock energy of always having that chip on his shoulder. So he's like, I got to get up and I got to hit him. I got to be, like you said, a good wife guy.

And I also think he would have done a much better job acting if it was fake instead of like sitting down and looking flustered afterwards. Also, Will Smith's crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person. I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists or at least enough that they've had to like openly deny being Scientologists at multiple times in their career, which like, if you have to say I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist. That's the test right there. You definitely are a Scientologist.

I also think like Will Smith, like he just lost it. He lost his cool, his speech, the best part about it. If you didn't watch the Oscars, Will Smith was the favorite to win best actor. He wins best actor. He goes up and gives a speech where he's like pretty much like, yeah. So Richard Williams, Serena and Venus's dad, he protected his family. Love will make you do crazy things. Never actually like thanking Jada Pinkett Smith or acknowledging that he slapped Chris Rock.

Like over, like he never said like, sorry, Chris Rock. He just basically did this long speech where he was like, yeah, I like, I protect my loved ones against innocuous jokes at the Oscars by comedians. Yeah, no, he's, he's doing the, I'm a good husband thing. He's trying to get laid. He's getting laid right now. As you hear the sound of my voice, Will Smith better be having sex, probably the best sex of his life.

I think that anytime something like that happens in a public place, where two people get into a skirmish and then they're still in the room, the entire room is going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night. They had to have gotten up on stage and they had to fight. They should have fought like I actually had like a full blown, let's go. Let's settle it. Otherwise, everyone's just going to be thinking, what are these guys going to fight?

It's, it's, it's my rule of players should get to fight one fan a year. Like everyone at the Oscars, Stella's Barking is going to be a very big problem in a minute here. Everyone at every, every actor at the Oscars gets to, gets to slap one comedian that makes a joke about their wife. I Hank, I want to hear from you. This is old school now still barking in the background. Hank is obviously, he believes everything's fake forever. So I want to hear from you while I corral Stella.

I also, I see Billy putting his hand up. He's at the Oscars. I think I want to hear Billy's thoughts because I feel like we're going to be pretty aligned and I can just hear him chomping at the bit. Yeah. So I'm at the Oscars quick flight here with the people spot live. And let me tell you, it was definitely fake. When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him like, think about this,

you're hosting the Oscars, you know, if someone rushes the stage, you're going to take some sort of defensive posture, not just like, because you actually think someone's going to attack you, but like, oh, someone comes up. You're like, oh, look who it is. You do something with your hands. The whole time Chris Rock has hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open.

Like no one, when they're reacting to something unexpected makes any sort of just nonchalant doesn't do anything. A counterpoint, Billy. I have a counterpoint because he probably didn't expect to get slapped. I think it's a pretty simple explanation. He saw a famous comedian actor celebrity coming up on stage, probably someone that he's relatively friendly with in the past and thought, oh, here comes Will Smith, the consummate showman.

He's going to come up, make a joke at my expense. We'll laugh, hug each other out, and then he'll go back to his seat. So that's why he might not, he probably wasn't ready to fight. Can I ask, because I had to go, I had to corral Stella. I have a question for you, Billy. So you, Billy and Hank, you both think it's fake. We just watched the extended clip where Chris Rock was positively rattled after. Yeah.

So this is, I do come from the camp of like fake until proven real. Obviously the Oscars thing that PFT mentioned earlier, like if, you know, the ratings are horrible, absolutely all time low. If there's two people you want to get a buzz going, who are the two people at the top of that list? Chris Rock, Will Smith. I have to digest some more of this afterwards. And I think obviously we'll be able to see what they say afterwards.

And, you know, the people close to them will be able to confirm or deny it. But I lean fake, I lean fake. I love that in Hank's mind that the two biggest names in show business are Will Smith and Chris Rock. They both moved the needle. What year are we in right now? Is this, if you, if it was 1998 and I would be like, yeah, you know what, Hank's, this is obviously Hank is, I mean, he's literally just one best actor in 2022.

Like that's pretty relevant, I would say. No, I'm not saying he's irrelevant. I'm just saying like, I don't think, I think that you're being a little bit too woke on this thing. No, it's like who? The order of people. I also got full disclosure. I didn't, I've only seen it on Twitter.

Like I haven't seen, I haven't seen though. I wasn't watching. We could look like idiots, PFT. I could look like idiots by saying that it's real. But I, I, watching all the context and like seeing everything, this would be the greatest work of all time. The only people right now who are like worse online, because the people are like, this is fake.

You guys are idiots. Or the people are saying that Will Smith should go to jail, including our colleague, Steven Chey, who was like Chris Rock should press charges. I, I want anyone who actually thinks that Chris Rock should press charges to go to jail themselves. I want them to get, I want them to go to jail. It's big time. Skeleban energy.

Quick time. Quick question. It is, it would be the lamest thing in the history of, of modern media. If Chris Rock were to like go immediately to the police. Right. I'll report on him. I know I, I can speak for myself. I don't know if I can speak for everybody else in this podcast.

We have never once advocated for anybody to go to jail over something trivial like this. No. Quick, quick piece of evidence on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Billy. I just real quick, because I saw Jake out of the corner of my eye, nodding along. Jake, you definitely think Will Smith should go to jail for this, right? No, not at all.

I think it's, I think it's real. I'm the tie raking vote, by the way. Okay. I like it. Go ahead. Don't be so you do, Jake. What the fuck, Hank? Your brain is riddled by the internet.

Hank, you have fucking Swiss cheese brain. That's, that's true. If you go to Will Smith's TikTok, he says that him and Jada are dressed for chaos before the Oscars even happened. They put that on TikTok. So I mean, this is 100% chaos and that's just more evidence that points to it being fake. I need to, everything, everything is going to determine on Will Smith and Chris Rock's relationship.

Like if there's a story that they've had beef and it's been like something that's been brewing for a while, then it's real. If it's like, comes across like they've been friends for a long time from show business and stuff, then I'm saying fake. It is. I'm saying, does that make sense? Yeah, it's crazy though. Like if it's like, it could be deeper than, than just tonight, but if it's like they're

friends and now is the only thing that set them off, like there's no way. If you look at the sheer physics of the situation, you've got Will Smith played Muhammad Ali, big guy, played the best boxer of all time, got up on stage, slapped and it was a slap, but it was like a full force slap. He had hip rotation. He planted, he extended Billy will tell you all about it. He was in war mode. He slapped him.

Chris Rock is such a small guy that he played. He had to play a character in the longest yard that wasn't allowed to play football with Adam Sandler. So he's a small dude and he didn't even move really. Like he ate that like a champ. Chris Rock has a jaw of steel, unbelievable performance by Chris Rock, if it was real. I just, I think that if you look at the emotion, the way that the two of them reacted in the immediate aftermath.

And then you've got like Tyler Perry and Denzel Washington's dude, but that's the point. Hank, the immediate aftermath of Chris Rock is why I think it's real. He started like he was shocked. And then he, he said it was, um, I think it was the Oscar for best documentary. By the way, that person who won it, like, sorry, dude, like you're the biggest moment of your life, completely stolen. That sucks. But he was like, we're going to give out some documentaries.

And then he caught himself. He's like, we're going to give out the Oscar for the best documentary. Like he was rattled, fully rattled. Big winner of the night was whoever had the nip slip right after. No one's going to talk about that. Yeah. I didn't even see that. I just saw it on Twitter.

Yeah. I didn't see it. I saw it on Twitter. Right. Uh, what are you going to say, Jake? Uh, so the reason I think it's real is do you guys see that viral video of the commercial break and then like calming him down? Yes.

Yes. So that wasn't on camera. That wasn't on camera. Hank Denzel Washington and a couple other people were like, like trying to calm him down. How'd you see it then? What? It wasn't on the broadcast. It was it was someone in the stands had taken the video.

I mean, this is, I, I guess this will look stupid. PFT. Jake and I, if it turns out to be fake, the problem is if it, you guys can basically play it's real for or it's fake forever. No, I have said my criteria. It is entirely dependent on like their relationship leading up to this night, which I don't, we'll find out about tomorrow. I'll admit I was wrong.

I'll admit I was wrong. Also remember like Will Smith's an open relationship with Jada Pinkett Smith, right? Like they have a very, like we've all talked about it. That this is like open relationships are always bullshit because of this. Like he probably is like, well, I got it. I got to do something. Otherwise someone else is going to have sex with her tonight. No, that's, that's what I'm saying.

He's, he is the most publicly cucked celebrity of all time. And so you saw his face when she was talking about the entanglement thing. He was like, yeah, we both discussed about this and we both think it's a good thing that she's allowed to sleep with my friends. No, like it's, it's not, he's upset about it. And he knows that he has to be on his A game at all times or else somebody else is going to take her home. So he's like, okay, she's upset that I'm upset.

There we go. I'm husband of the year. I did it, babe. Also shout out, um, this moment was so great because it was literally like right when I walked in my house and I got like a bunch of texts being like, was that real? Like I, I'm the fucking, you guys probably have the same thing like as online people and people who watched like things all the time were all people always like hit me up to be like, yo, is this thing that just happened real or not?

It's like, wow, would I know? But so I get like a ton of texts being like, is that real? And I start watching it and like, I was like, oh my God, this, I think this actually is real. I think this is all actually going down and I go on Twitter and Twitter is just like Twitter 1.0. Awesome. Everyone getting their jokes off. We had like 15, 20 minutes where it was like, oh yeah, I love this app.

This is funny. Like everyone's just getting funny jokes off, retweet, like all this stuff. And then like 25 minutes after that, it's just toxic masculinity, run rampant yet again, like, like, like, like super serious takes about this incident. It's like, dude, it was like, it's, it's fucking Hollywood. It's a bunch of narcissists sitting in a room. One guy made a joke about another guy's wife. He slapped them.

Can we just make some jokes about it instead of having this become like a bigger discussion in the discourse? Yeah. What Hank's doing right now, he's doing Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rigged. He's like the first guy that's like, this is all fake. I'd stage. I can't tell whether it's for money or for ratings, but that's it. I saw it in person.

I'm out. Yeah. But no, yeah. So those people, it's the people who say and go to jail and it's the people who are like actually having like nuanced takes about this, like being like, this is what's wrong with like the marital structure in America and like a man thinking he has to protect. Like, dude, just let me just fucking tweet some gifts real quick. Come on.

Like just give us a minute. Do it tomorrow morning on Monday morning when we're all miserable. Yeah. Billy, do you have any more takes on this? Since you are there, you're in the room. You are the room right now. Yes. So I was at the Oscars and when I saw Denzel Washington talking to Will Smith and them all

trying to calm him down, they were just asking him, was it real? And he was like laughing and he was like, hey, no, it's fake. Like we set this whole thing up. Wasn't it great? And they're all laughing. You heard that. Did you see that or did you hear it? It's a big difference.

I heard that saw the mouths moving at, you know, I'm at the Oscars. So it was, it was a great time. And no, but seriously, I like, I really think this thing about, we were talking about this during the show and we're recording. I was like, oh, the Oscars are on tonight. Like who the hell knew? And now, you know, now we know this is, this is, this is why you come to part of my take because PFT and I have been around the block a few times.

We usually have a good idea of what's real and fake. Again, we could be very wrong. Hank, I know, I trust that Hank will do some research and try to figure it out. And then we have Billy, who is like the embodiment of 2022 internet where it could, like Chris Rock could press charges. Will Smith could go to jail. And Billy will still think like, no, this is some kind of pedophile ring cover up and, and, and JFK Jr is about to be announced president.

Honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like fake. You feel like you're ahead of the curve. I have one last question. The most important question memes. I don't know if you have a mic. Memes has been on the show before memes. Obviously everyone knows is it runs a bunch of our social and does an incredible job.

And we talk about them all the time. Memes, can you quantify what this is going to do for your life in terms of the memes that are coming out of this? Like you just got an entire new memes template, a perfect memes template that you can use for anything. How is how are you feeling? Did you guys hear me? Yeah.

All right. I think it'll last like one more day. Yep. And then it'll pick back up probably during NBA finals. Yep. No, I think that's perfect because people that are going to be making memes out of this in like three or four days, too many people have seen it. So it's been it's already reached like mass exposure.

So the countdown clock on it is finite. So like when Michael Jordan cried during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, not a lot of people were tuned in live. And so it had a longer tail on it. This one, it's like, okay, everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow. And then after that, it's going to take a big pause. I was thinking actually until football season, but when meme said NBA finals, he's absolutely right.

The NBA finals are a hundred percent going to be ground zero for this meme to resurrect. Yes. Yes. All right, Memes, that's why you're the best. Anything else? I mean, crazy. We don't do emergency, emergency segments for many things, but when Will Smith slaps Chris Rock at the Oscars real or fake, here we are.

We're making sure that we give you our takes instantly. We'll put another one in the it's real category because I don't think that Will Smith would do this on the night that he won his Academy Award for Best Actor. That seems like a pretty important night in a person's life. So I don't think that he would he would flip out like this on that evening. And yeah, it's just there's no chance. No, I'm putting it at zero. PFT commentary gives it zero percent chance of being a Fugazi.

This was this was a real event. I'm going to put it at one percent chance of being fake, but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation. If that's true, then this is part of that. And then I was right to call that part, but I'm 99 percent. And in that event, it's still real to me. It's still real to me, big cat. What?

All right. So then Jake, you're a hundred percent real. Hundred percent real. Hank, you're 50 50. I'll give it. I'll give it 55 percent real. Okay. I'll give it a zero percent real.

Yeah, I'm going a hundred percent fake. I think it's real as well. Okay. So we got a lot of reels, I guess. I was going to just mention, I think the last time we did one of these emergencies was the Brian Colantula callers. Yep. Yeah.

The six years older, I think that was the last time we did it for like a Twitter Wow. So one thing I got to see Stella barking in my microphone. One thing's for sure here. I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together. I also think that they're probably going to do like a little like a routine together at some point. They're going to be a commercial.

That's probably what's going to be. They'll be in a commercial at some point this summer, squashing the beef. Also, one last thing the sports take on this. I felt pretty bad for Venus and Serena because they looked like what the fuck is going on and Will Smith basically got in front of everyone and was like, yeah, I played the role of their father and that's why I'm crazy and slapped a man on live TV. It's like, okay. I guess.

Also, Will is going to have a couple of bangers that come out in the next like two months. Yeah. All right. Back to the regularly scheduled program. All right. Let's do who's back. Who's back is brought to you by our friends at Venmo. We love Venmo.

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If you haven't signed up, $10, boom, right away. Get yourself a beer in New Orleans. All right, Hank, who's back? By the way, we're going to do Billy's spreadsheet after Bert, as well as Jake's one shining moment, as well as Hank's decision about what he's going to do with the hottest gambling streak he's ever been on in his life. Big time shout out to Game of the Year. Just kicking things off, right?

Well, Duke. You're welcome. Duke, then Game of the Year. You're welcome. Which that both Game of the Year. Well, no, that one didn't count because you bullied me into it. True. My Who's Back of the Week.

Cook that for me, Baba? Yeah, yeah. Peace times. My Who's Back of the Week. No, it is not. It's war times. I hate you. Well, I would say you shouldn't have fell for my obvious trying to get you to pick against Duke.

All right, cut that, please, Baba. Nick Castellanos is My Who's Back of the Week. Did you guys see this? Yeah, we had a discussion. So we'd like to hear you talk and then we will present our side. I'm just going to say what happened. He's on the Phillies now. He's in spring training.

As he was in his first set batter, he's getting his first hit. The broadcast was talking about how one of the Blue Jays coaches got a DUI and was like talking about his apology, talking about the whole situation. And lo and behold, Nick Castellanos gets a single. Okay. So I think it's funny because they were actually talking like the announcer was talking about the DUI while it happened. But we have to be protective of our Castellanos memes because it can reach a point where a

Bloop single is qualifying the exact same as if it's a Dinger. He's got to hit a home run. He's got to hit a home run. How often are they talking about coaches with Dewey's? He's probably doing it. First of all, he's probably brought it up because Castellanos was up. True. And also Major League Baseball coaches, I'm pretty sure that's one of the qualifications

for becoming a bench coach. That's how Tony LaRusso got into the whole thing. Yeah. Like talking about, I think the criteria is like a fucked up situation that the announcers are talking about. And then all of a sudden they have to talk about how Castellanos got a hit. I think you have to have a home run and it can't be a situation where somebody sees that he hits a home run and then they Google any bad news story that's

happened like, oh, wow, it looks like Putin's shelling Kiev again. And they're like, well, Castellanos did it again. You know, like it has to be something that is tied in either a massive trending event that happens at the same time or the announcer is talking about something that hits a home run. Well, that's why we do spring training so we can kind of get through this before the season starts. Yeah. But like, is he back or no?

I think what we're trying to say is like, I think it's very funny that Nick Castellanos has become this guy. I want to protect it. I want to I want it to be like, holy shit, he's this guy. If we do it for every single, it's like, as we're talking about a DUI. It was funny. Okay, it was it was funny, but I just want to make sure that we are protecting it. That was that we're keeping our meme wholesome.

Yeah. I mean, me think about memes. He's he's too far gone. Yeah, he is. But memes is like, he's still in rehab, but I think he relapses like every other day. Right now for memes, it's like if Joe Flacco throws like a three yard button hook, I'm like, Oh, if anything, if they say Castellanos, like three times in a broadcast, we can't save memes.

We can just try and, you know, help the next generation coming up. It is funny when he's a lost cause that has been around for a while that no one remembers. I did. I had a bonus was like practicing for Oregon. And I quote, you know, I was like, bonus having fun could be a dark horse for the Heisman and people are like, what are you? Are you fucking high, dude? And it's like, oh, shit.

Yeah, we are on the internet too much. Yeah. Remember when we had to teach memes about the Hitler downfall video with Urban Meyer? Oh, yeah. He was like, what is this? I've never seen this old meme. He hasn't stopped making Hitler videos since. I actually hand up.

I told him that he should do a video where you're Hitler after coach K after coach K won. But then we both agree that probably not a great idea. I'm fine with that. Listen, I here's here's all say about that. I understand the internet. I have a fucking arsenal in my phone right now for when coach K eventually hopefully loses. So I understand that the other side is also loading up the guns and the nukes ready to bring me down.

It's we I know what's at stake here. Yeah. How about this memes? I know you're listening. If coach K wins a Natty, you have to have big cat finding out about it down in the bunker. Yes. That's fine. I'm fine with that.

I am absolutely fine with it. Because again, I have a lot of videos that I will be just fucking flooding the timeline with if it goes down. My who's back of the week is the US men's national team. Yeah. We're in the World Cup, bitch. Suck my dick, Italy. They didn't make it.

We did. We just beat Panama, I think five to one. Yeah. Didn't keep the clean sheet. Unfortunately, the golden generation for the US soccer team is here. I just hear people say that it sounds so cool when they said about Belgium. So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say this is our golden generation.

This is the golden generation and the boys are dancing. Yeah, we're in it and we're going to have to play it during football season. That I can't decide if it's going to be fun or if it's going to suck. I think it's going to suck. It might be too much going on. I think we're going to get a lot. We're not going to fucking get out of pool play anyway. So who cares?

But I think it's going to be we always get out of pool. We're going to go like one and two when we make the World Cup fucking do. We always get out of pool. All right, so here's here. Here's what we could do. We're going to play right now. I had a rigged. What time will the games be?

They'll be in the middle of the day. Yeah, because I think they got to play at night there. Well, yeah, no, it's in Qatar, which is halfway around the world. But because they have stadiums that were built with slave labor, they're not going to be able to play them during the heat of the day, which is like 120 degrees. Right. Right.

And they promised that they would make like giant air conditioned stadiums outdoors, which I don't know. I'm not I'm not Bob the Builder, but it seems like that's pretty unlikely to accomplish in the next like six months. Correct. So yeah, the games are going to be at night time afternoon and night. I think. Yeah.

So let's just throw this out there. It's Sunday. We're here. We're watching games. You say, hey, USA is about to play. You're not getting a TV and I'll watch the games. I'll watch every other like when football is not on, I'll be full blown pool of stitch fucking go USA.

But we have to. You realize that, right? I do. And I'm actually looking up the times right now. We might be wrong. So right now it's 413 and Qatar in the morning. So if they play in the afternoon, like evening, that's still going to be kind of morning for us.

So I think I think we'll be OK as long as they don't schedule us on a site. If you say how many hours difference is it? It's Monday at 413. It's 913 seven hours different seven hours ahead. So I a one o'clock kickoff. If you schedule, I want to talk to Sep Ladder personally right now. Sep Ladder or whoever you have running FIFA for you, Sep Ladder. If you schedule the US soccer game on a Sunday.

At one or Saturday or Saturday, I will personally slit your throat. That is not going to happen. Like we're not. That is going to be a war on Twitter. I want to see all the soccer nerds come out and be like, how are you not watching this? Because the NFL's on because it's week 12. That's going to be right.

I mean, you can't. I just want you to. We're all on the same page, right? Maybe a laptop in the corner. Yes, but not a TV on a Sunday. You have to have on a Saturday. You have to stand for something on a Saturday. If the US is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs during college football.

I'm not. There are not six college football. Yeah, dude, when temple plays UCF, I'm watching. No better than that. Nope. No, I'm rooting for the lads on onward. The lads. Yes, that is.

We are lads up. Wow. That's going to be a dilemma. All right. My who's back is LeBron. He won a razzie. That was awesome. Also, Hank, explain the story, the Instagram story from the other night.

Hank, you know that LeBron fucked up when Hank walked in on Saturday and like came right over to me. It was like, do you see what LeBron posted? It wasn't a fuck up. And I went to look and I couldn't find it. And he's like, oh, I screen recorded it. Don't worry. I was like, that's what it was.

It was a good moment because we're in we're in war times right now, but we can always bond over our hatred for LeBron. It was just it wasn't it wasn't even fuck up. It was just all time very funny, classic LeBron. Like, you know, he's the biggest athlete in the world, probably richest athlete in the world, one of them. And he's having like an intimate dinner with his wife. And he does this Instagram story where she's like clearly pissed off

that he's like recording, which is just like very relatable. And he said, hey, fellas, remember one thing. I just I just think this is funny because he's like clearly like drunk or something. It's just a very classic LeBron. Hey, fellas, remember one thing. A woman will always love and vibe with a real true player. Know the difference between player and player with the key. And then like, all of a sudden, D.P.F.T.

And then he like pans over to his wife and his wife just gives him like the why the fuck you record? Because that's what LeBron's family has to deal with all the time. The actions of a drunk man stumbling around his own home screaming into his phone while they're like, hey, please pay attention to me. That's amazing. How long do you think it took for LeBron to win the Razi for him to realize that the Razi is a bad thing?

Yeah. Did he have the post ready to go like, man, 17 year old LeBron would never believe this at this point. He probably is going to try to figure out a way to like convert it into points scored in the NBA so that because that's all he's playing at this point. The all time days for LeBron on Instagram on his birthday, when he just if you look at his stories, I don't think it's I think LeBron has like a special version of Instagram that allows him to post hundreds of stories

of people wishing him a happy birthday on those days. Right. I've never seen more dots on the screen. Well, LeBron dropped 39 tonight. He did. Yeah. And they're losers. Literally all he does is score points for the record.

Have you watched? It's a they won't. We've talked about the pelicans. It's awesome. Well, anyone could lose the pelicans. Okay. Anyone could lose the pelicans. They're fucking they're playing really good basketball right now.

14. Bulls are in a free fall. 14 points in the fourth. That's smoked by the pelicans the other night. All right, Billy, you're who's back. My who's back is Johnny Manziel. Johnny Manziel will be returning to the football field in the fan controlled football league for their second season.

He was on the zappers last season and he is now on the wild aces. Drusky's investment in the company is what drew him in. He said that he wanted to make some content with Drusky. I don't know if you guys know Drusky, hilarious guy. And he's going to be back on the football field. Honestly, kind of like it's kind of nice to see him. Dude, if you tell me Johnny Manziel is playing in a football game and there's a World Cup game on, I'm watching Johnny Manziel.

There are certain players that if you want your like your secondary football league to succeed, if you get any combination of like Manziel, Tebow, RG3 or Colin Kaepernick playing quarterback, people will tune in and watch that shit. Yeah. So good for Johnny Manziel. I hope he plays well. I'm hyped and Bitcoin. Bitcoin's back.

It is. Rallied hard. Let's go. Are you invested? A little bit. How's my doge looking right now? I think it's like back to like. Oh, shit.

46. Yeah. Oh, let's go. Fuck all the old people think that sucks. Yeah. Tom Kalikio laughing all the way to the kitchen. There he goes. All right, Jake, you're who's back.

We're going to get to Billy's spreadsheet after a burnt. My who's back of the week is Fun Rules. Yes. So there's this team called the Savannah Bananas. Yeah. It's a baseball team. I don't think it's officially minor league, but it's still pros. Unincorporated independent minor league team.

Yeah. So they had a rule. It was the first or second time ever. Banana ball rule number nine. If a fan catches a foul ball, it's an out. And it happened and it went viral and it was really cool. I feel like the majors should consider. They've got great rules.

I don't know. I don't know what brand of baseball they play. If they invented their own rules, in which case, probably a nightmare for the visiting team. It's like you're playing against the Globetrotters. You're like, I didn't know. Wait, that guy's got a ladder on the court. That's crazy.

But yeah, they've got all these different rules. I think the batters are in the batter's box the entire time while the pitchers pitching. They've got all sorts of cool rules. I like it a lot. Yeah. So this one, if they did that to the majors, that would change the game with home field.

I mean, Savannah, what they're doing right now by having this team down there is they're next on my list of like the big bachelor party cities in the country. For a while, it was like Austin and Nashville and Charleston just shitting on everybody. Savannah's next. Savannah's a very fun city to be in. It is a very fun city.

And could you imagine if this, like you said, if this was MLB, you'd have to start, like Jim Harbaugh would get paid by a team. Yeah. You'd be like, a million bucks to see our stands. Yeah, pay ringers, foul ball guy. Dude, foul ball guy would make millions and millions of dollars. He would be on contract.

Yeah. It would be incredible. You'd be able to start them in your fantasy leagues. Yeah. Right. So yeah, I thought that was cool. That is cool. Very cool.

Cool rule. All right, let's get to Bert. Great interview. Back in studio. PFT, you got a quick word from one of our sponsors. Yeah. Before we get to Bert, talk to you guys about TaylorMade. Hank just got a TaylorMade.

You got a driver, right, Hank? Oh, yeah. Yeah. TaylorMade is awesome. They're great golf clubs. It's golf season. Weather's getting nice. Spring was creeping up on us.

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Or a mobster, right? Jake, those are your guys? Yep, mobsters. It's got to be a mobster or an AWL. Yeah, a big-time mobster. Hopefully he can get his hand. He's got a lot of time to play golf. Hopefully someone shows up to shoot around.

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Go to TaylorMadeGolf.com slash Barstool Sweeps right now for your chance to win big. That's TaylorMadeGolf.com slash Barstool Sweeps right now for your chance to win big. Now, here is Burt Kreischer. Okay, we now welcome on now-recurring guest. Ah, that feels good. Feels good, Burt Kreischer.

And let me say this right now, Burt, off the top. We very rarely will have a guest on this close together. Like, we had you on. It's Super Bowl. We didn't run it for a couple of weeks. Sorry about that. That's okay. That was probably weird for you.

Like, all of a sudden, you just, it pops up that you're on the show. I'll tell you, immediately, immediately it came up and the thing was like, and then my daughter smoked pot and I was like, oh, fuck, I said that. Yeah, right. Like, oh, shit, I said that two weeks ago. That doesn't count.

And then your name came up again and then you were in town and we're like, fuck yeah, well, I'm back on. Everyone loved it. So it's serendipity because I have been watching you gamble for like the past two weeks and it is so fucking fun. It's it is so fun to watch people win money. Yeah. Or well, it's really the losing part that people really enjoy.

No, I love when, when you guys were trying to get Patty to tap and you're going, come on, come on, come on. That's like watching porn for men. Yes, I guess porn for men. They should match up gambling and porn at the same time somehow. I'm down for it. It's, it's like those live streams, they're exhausting. We were, I don't know if you saw on Friday night,

my alma mater, Wisconsin played and they played the last. It was probably the latest tip ever. It was like 11 p.m. So I just started getting like blackout drunk and I was screaming. I was going to take my shirt off. Like those live streams just become this. You lose all sense of time and space because you're trapped.

You don't even go, I didn't go outside for four days straight and I'm just, you know, betting on everything. It's my favorite four days of the year. I'm happy you enjoy it, but it is chaos. You gotta come to one. I have a, I have a gambling problem, but here's the, here's my problem. What do you mean?

Well, when I, when I, when I started making money, gambling didn't matter to me. Like it just didn't. I couldn't, I couldn't find the rush, you know? Like the rush, I remember the first time I really got the rush, I was playing poker with Daniel Tosh and a bunch of guys in Hollywood and I had, I had the best fucking hand and I was, and I was sitting on it and the feeling that you get,

I didn't need alcohol. I didn't need sex. I didn't need anything, that feeling of knowing you've got the hand and your heart's racing, your hand's trembling, you're trying to hold it in. The only way I get that now, and this is going to sound so stupid, is in my kids raffles at school. Oh no, that's not, that's, listen, I,

there's nothing better than a good bingo night either. Yeah, I, you're talking to a guy right now who, if I win, you know the 50-50 raffle at a sporting event? Pull it up, pull it up. If I win. Special Olympics 50-50 raffle. I'm not even joking, I'm not even joking. If I win a 50-50 raffle.

Yeah. Wait, did you, you won it? Dude, I went into a 50-50 raffle at the Special Olympics and I said, I mean, it was dumb, it was the dumbest bet, I said, what's in the pot? And they were like, I think, you can find the exact numbers. I think they were like 636 bucks. I said, put me in for 636.

And they're like, what? And it was the gamble. It was, I gave, I ended up giving all the money to them. Yeah. It was the gamble. We went to a, we went to a, we had a, Comedy Gives Back is a, is an organization, Zoe Freedman, Freed, Bud Freedman's daughter runs.

And it was all comedians. It was comedians and actors, okay? So we go in and it's like $100 for six tickets. And so I, I, I wait till everyone's bought their tickets and then I walk over and I said, what's the action? And they're like, what do you mean what's the action? I said, how many prizes? What have you got in the pot?

And they're like, well, we've sold 150 tickets. I said, okay, I do the math. I'm like, put me in for $3,000. And they're like, what? And I don't tell anyone. I just start winning. And when I win, I get louder and more obnoxious. And, and all the comedians are fucking loving.

Jim Jeffries is losing his mind. Ben Bailey, but the actors who aren't comedians are like, this isn't fair, it's a fucking raffle asshole. I put in fucking $3,000 for this feeling. I mean, I want an orange whip, which is a golf swing thing. I want a jacket. I want whiskey. I want everything.

That's amazing. And then don't get me started on an auction where they're bidding off trips. Because we, I just, my business manager was there. Randomly enough, my business manager was there. And they auctioned off a trip to Four Seasons and Maui. It's in the quarantine. There's no one, no one's going to Maui at all.

And I start off there. Jim Jeffries starts off. He's like, the starting bid's $3,000. And I, and Jim Jeffries goes $3,000. And real quick, I go $4,000. And then he goes $5,000. I go $6,000. He's like $7,000.

And then Ben Bailey goes $8,000. I go $9,000. And it's going so quick. My business manager's like, hold on. And I'm, I'm starting to, what's the math? What's it cost? Someone Google Four Seasons real quick. Dude, I love that.

I love the reckless. That is the gambling I can get into. Yeah. So I went to the Texas State Fair one time. And they do like a giant livestock auction. It's a big thing. And it's just all these dude, huge hats. The guy gets behind the podium.

And he's doing the like fast talking. He's got the real Texas straw. They're bringing the animals out on stage. There's like giant black Angus steer that are going for, you know, $5,500. I was, I was about to bid on it on a cow. I don't have a place to put it. I wanted to get involved in the auction at the time.

I had like a normal sized backyard in Austin, Texas. And I was thinking about buying these goats just because the thrill of the auction you're talking so quickly. It's like that infectious. It's the best. You're going to, you're going to think I'm lying to you. I really need someone to Google it.

I need someone to Google it. So when we were in Trip Flip, this is my travel channel show, we spent a day, a week. We take people on adventures of a lifetime. And we spent a week as cowhands running Buffalo across Texas. We're outside Houston, Texas. Caddy, I think it's known as Caddy. And so we're outside Houston, Texas.

So one of the things says, I want you to take my steer into auction. So I was like, all right. He goes, I expect $25,000 for all my steer you bring in. So we drove steer into town. And I said, I'm going to fucking knock his socks off. The guy that runs the ranch. I said, as soon as their cattle comes out,

I'm going to put in first bid. I'm going to, I'm going to jack it up. Whatever the first one comes out, I'm going to put in the first bid and we're going to raise the money for it. And then that way I'm going to come in. Everyone will have sold just a little bit over what he's expecting,

because I'm going to start going back and forth with them. So they, I swear to God, it is top five hardest I've ever laughed in my life. So the first one comes out and I go, is that John's steer? And they're like, I'm with two other dudes. They're like, yeah, you're all right. And they're like, hey, John's here, there, there. And I raised my hand and he goes sold.

And I went, wait, what? There's no bidding. You just buy them. And I bought a calf for $1,300. I bought a calf, a fucking full calf. I bought one of the ones I was going to sell. I brought it back to him and I was like, I was like, Hey man, I bought one of your calves.

Is there any chance I can sell this back to you? And he was like, 800 bucks. I was like, I'll take it. Fuck it. That's fine. Oh, that's amazing. I fucking, I swear to God, there's that videos on YouTube. And it is, as soon as I realized what I did, you see it in my eyes and I'm like, Oh fuck. And I'm, and this is, I didn't have $1,300 to spend on.

No one has $1,300 to spend on cattle. You don't have cattle. The auction though, the auctions are the, I once got like my lead to auctions online of, there was in Chicago, there was a, a grocery store chain called Dominix that was going out of business. So they were selling everything. And I would just go on every day and try to buy like random

shit, like carts, everything. Like I got, I bought a bench that I didn't need. There was just a, it was sitting in the lobby of the grocery store. And I was like, yeah, but I want it. Like this feels cool. And that's it. It's just like winning something. And then, you know, day later you're like, wait, what?

I don't need this. What the fuck am I doing? But the rush of winning something at an auction or a raffle, there's nothing like- I think that more places should have, should do like the 50, 50 raffles. Just every day in your life. Imagine if you're going into work and like the subway car in the New York city subway has a 50, 50 raffle.

If you stay on for five stops, they do a drawing. Once you get five stops, it'd be incredible. It would be incredible. I'm not lying to you, Bert. Like if I won a 50, 50 raffle, let's say at like a hockey game, I think I would then become even for my life. In terms of 50, 50 raffles.

Just 50, 50 raffles. I buy 50, 50 raffle tickets the second I walk into a stadium. Just the second I walk. I've had guys, I had a group of guys at Wrigley who literally they knew, they knew me and they, and they knew that I loved 50, 50 raffle. I bought tickets. They bought the tickets right after me.

I bought the tickets right after them. They bought the tickets right after me. And they ended up winning. They won the whole fucking thing sitting right behind me. And I've never been more upset in my life. I have a picture of them. Like they feel like we get a picture after celebrating in my face.

But it was thrilling to go back and forth being like, no, I'm getting the next one numbers. They changed the rules to raffles at my school. At my kids. At my kids school. I was going to say, you're not your school. At my kids school. They made it so that every family can only buy 10 tickets.

Because of you? Because of me. This is like the, the, the Burke Christchurch. This is like the Larry Bird rule. I have a, I have a joke. I'm going to put in my special about it. I'm not even, I'm not even messing around. I would go into raffles with just stupid money.

And go, I mean, I had, I have a problem with it. That, and I'll tell you the other one is that I, I get addicted to some good at public speaking is running for office that I don't want. I've done that. I did that. We went, there's this woman. I'm going to say, I'm going to use real names.

So I apologize. If, if I, I'm going to use real names. Whatever. That was just a warning. That was, that was, that was the best. Sorry, not sorry. So there's this woman, Jenna Schwartz, right? In our, in our, in our, in our, uh, in Valley Village where,

where I live, I'm telling you everything is, uh, we don't have PTA. We have, it's called PACE, right? That's what our PTA is. So PACE president kind of organizes everything at the school. Isla is in fifth grade. She's going to the middle school. We will no longer be working at this school.

And, uh, and we, they bring us in early for graduation. And it's so that we can, as parents, they get us there early so we can vote for PACE president, PACE, all the PACE thing. Current PACE president, everyone is on stage. I get there early and I say to Leanne, are you fucking kidding me? They, they lied to us.

We're here for the fucking elections. And she goes, yeah. Now I had eaten the edible the night before and that, that I had over-medicated myself. And so I still feel it. So I said, well, who's running? And they go through the thing and then and then everyone's dressed up and she goes,

Jenna Schwartz is running for, uh, president. And she's not dressed up. She's in workout clothes. And I said, why isn't she dressed up? Leanne goes, she's running on a post. I was like, not on my watch. Now, now here's the thing you need to know. Jenna Schwartz kind of fucked me over once, right?

Not fucked me over bad, but just in a weird way, like in a weird way. So I look back by a guy named Brian Stapanek. He was on, I think, uh, Zach and Drake or whatever. Brian Stapanek, I look back. I go, hey, nominate me for Pace President. And he's like, for real? I go, dead serious.

He goes, I nominate Burt Chrysler. I go, accept it. Leanne goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said, I'm, I'm running for Pace President. She goes, honey, hold on, you don't, you're not going to be Pace President. No one's going to vote for you. I said, well, let me just give my speech.

Jenna Schwartz comes over. She goes, what are you doing? And I said, please don't talk to me. I'm running for Pace President. We're enemies. So I go up and they go, who would like to speak first? Now Jenna Schwartz has not worn makeup. She's not gotten dressed up.

And she also hasn't prepared a speech. She's been running on a post. I get up, I'm almost verbatim. I'll call my fucking wife to just to prove this is how accurate my speech was. It sounds like Jenna Schwartz was just, she was like experiencing absolute power. She thought that she wasn't going to be held accountable.

Yeah. Oh, my wife better answer. Do you ever fucking call your wife and then you're like, if she doesn't answer, I'm just canceling her fucking phone. She apparently doesn't know how to use a goddamn phone. It's like, she'll look at it and go, who is this calling? And I'm like, that's why it rings. That's why it rings. Fuck her.

Anyway, I get up on stage. Now it's maybe 500 parents in there, all of which know me because I've had now two kids go through this school. I said, my name's Burke Chrysler. I'm running for Pace President. This is almost verbatim on my speech. I said, I know Jenna Schwartz. I used to hike with Jenna Schwartz on Fryman Cannon.

Me, my wife, Lynn Gruzen, Kathy Fromkin and Sandy Tatt would hike every morning with Jenna. All the names. All names, all names, all accurate. We would hike every morning at Fryman Canyon right after drop off with Jenna Schwartz. It was fun, great conversation. And then one day, she didn't show up.

We sat at the trailhead for about 30 minutes and she never showed up. She didn't call, she didn't text, nothing. So we decided to hike. And that day we saw her on a hike with Christy Goodman. She didn't say hi to us. She didn't acknowledge. And to this day, we have never hiked with her again.

We've never spoken about it. And to this day, she hikes with Christy Goodman. If you want to vote for a president, that one day we'll decide the journey they're on with you is no longer the journey they want to take, then vote for Jenna Schwartz. But if you want a president who's going to show up every day at that trailhead

and wait for you to take that journey with you until we're done, then vote for me. My name's Burke Reicher. I'd like to be your pace president. The fucking room is shaking. Dudes, legit dudes are like, that's my guy. That's my guy. Jenna Schwartz's like, wait, hold on.

I have a bad knee. Why, you hiked too fast. He talks nonstop. Well, she should have told you about that. There's a little thing called conversations that people can have when they change their plans. And if they don't say anything, that's a red flag. I sat down and my wife goes, you have to stop this.

And I go, I just want to hear what she has to say. And they're like, well, that's Burke's speech. Jenna, and she comes up, she goes, OK, hold on one second. OK, he doesn't really want to be a pace president. This is a joke. You're joking, right? Hold on. I have a bad knee.

No, listen. Christy has a bad knee also. And I just raised my hand. I go, I'd like to rescind my nomination for president. And that is the funnest. I got in trouble in college for it. There was a Miss Florida State pageant. And every fraternity had to have a contestant

that you brought up. And so we're getting there and we're sitting in the big, you know, auditorium and no one's taking the mic and no one's taking the mic. And I'm like, I'm going to go up and take the mic. So I get up and I walk up and I go, I want to thank you everyone for coming. This is so great.

Give your all subs a round of applause. We're just coming out today. And everyone gives some sort of a pause. I said, awesome. If everyone would just pass forward their physical forms and everyone's like, physicals, physicals. And I go, oh, you guys, that's totally cool. If you don't have physical, I'll be administering physicals

in the back bathroom. So just line up back there. And four girls got up and walked to the back bathroom. And I was like, I'm fucking around. Well, I got a lot of trouble. I had to go to fucking Omega or whatever and fucking apologize at their dinner. I was like, what the fuck?

You can't take a goddamn joke. You're an agent of chaos. I love it. It's just like the moment, there's humor in every moment. And it's like, how can I make this a ridiculous moment? I think when you become a comedian, you definitely can live in that. But then there's the other side where your jokes don't really

don't fly. But they're still funny sometimes. When you get the anti, when everyone's like, oh my god, how could he say that? That's even better, I would assume. It's very funny where you're like, you've done something and everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? Fuck, yeah.

Ila had, they had a dance. They had a dance for the kids. And then they had taught them the foxtrot or whatever. And so it was like their first dance. And maybe their fifth, maybe their fifth grade. And we got that same auditorium at the school. And the parents sit together. And we're going to watch our kids do the dance.

That's how the first dance goes. So before the dance starts, they pull us outside. And they're like, hey, listen, we need to have a conversation with the parents. I apologize. One of the teachers, I apologize. I assumed everyone's gender. And I paired them up, boy, girl, boy, girl.

I assumed a lot. And it's on me. I hope to learn better. But if you're cool with it, the dances are going to go forward like this. We're just going to just let them pair with whoever they want to pair with. Because apparently some pair got upset.

We're going to let them pair. It's going to be like girl, girl, boy, boy, whatever. It's just going to be him, them, or whatever. They're all going to pair up. And they're not going to do a dance. They're just going to dance to music. Is that OK? And now I'm watching parents grandstand going like,

actually, we don't even call our daughter a daughter. Whatever. You know, they're spouting their politics. And so they get to me and Leanne. And they're like, are you guys cool with that? And I was like, I'll answer that. And Leanne's like, please don't. And I said to a group of very liberal parents.

I go, I actually don't care if my daughter dances with a boy or a girl just as long as it's white. And the fucking, I mean, you could watch. They were just like, what did he say? My wife's like, he's a comedian. He's a comedian. And I was like, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

It better be a boy and it better be white. And there were parents that were legit upset. Oh, I'm sure. When I won the raffle that changed the raffles, there's a dude. This is, whoa. So I win this one raffle that changes all the raffles. And I go in to Corolla like a week later.

And I'm telling them the story of this raffle. And I say the guy's name. One dad got really upset. Because after I won all the prizes, I then walked around shirtless with all the prizes going to parents going, what did you guys win? Like, I won all the prizes. I won them all.

And this dad's like, I have a raffle budget. And I went, I go, fuck your raffle budget. You're pretty much like the reason they invented the salary cap in football. Just for elementary school. You'd make a good baseball owner. No, but I think you've tapped into something here because it's, and I have two young kids.

And I've just started to get into this world. Oh, it's so fucking great when you don't care. Yeah, it's parents. Because I had, I've told this story on the show. But I had a thing where my son's preschool got shut down out of nowhere because of like construction and all this stuff. It basically was like, these two really nice women were running it.

COVID shut down. They lost money. Like they couldn't keep it afloat. It was all very like understandable. Yeah. And I was on this parent group chat. And there were people saying there was like a Ponzi scheme and everything and like all this stuff.

And I almost, I should have done, I now know that I should just go for it. I almost replied to the whole group and was like, now that you guys say it, like I saw one of the teachers driving a Lambo the other day. Because like they would have all taken it so seriously. Yeah. I didn't.

But now I got to start doing it because it is like, I think it's the parents world. Like I've been in this for a couple of years. My son's two and a half. Like every time I'm around parents, people take it so seriously. And it's like, what are we doing? Why is everyone so serious?

Our first school was called the Sunshine Shack. Okay. And by the way, I'm still using all very real names. Called the Sunshine Shack. It's a great school. It's a great fucking school. It was a preschool. It was awesome.

First day there, we do like a parents, you know, get like orientation. And it's all fucking famous people. I mean, it's Billy Crudup. Billy Crudup's chick at the time. Something master. I don't know. I don't know who it is.

She was in weeds. His chick at the time. Nia Vardalos who wrote My Big Frack Greek Wedding, her husband Ian Gomez. It's everyone. And, and then, and Jay Chen to Sekar. Like all these big famous people and Fred Savage. So.

And Fred Savage. So Fred Savage, he's his kids were, I think a year below mine, maybe. Maybe he's Isla's age. So Fred Savage one day. And I always came to this place hungover. I had always been out doing spots the night before. And, and I one day Fred Savage is there

and he's on the ground playing with kids. I don't get on the ground for kids. I'm like, I'll sit. I'll sit in a chair. But I'm like getting on the floor. Chase it. Yeah. He's on the ground.

He's playing with kids. And I'm listening to these moms and they're like, he's such a good dad. He is such a good dad. And then one of the moms is like, and you would have known that like knowing who we, we grew up with him. We grew up with him.

We've known him since he's a little kid. And when I tell you, when I saw him on the one of yours, my first thought, I can't wait to see what he's going to be like as a dad. And it's he's amazing. And I go over and I go, yeah, he has a good dad. It's so crazy. He's like considering who his father was that he turned out

this way. And they're like, who's his dad? I go, Randy the Macho Man Savage. And they're like, for real? And I go, yeah, his mom's beautiful, Elizabeth. And I go, you didn't know that? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess he has a show, but his family.

And then I just walked away. And then the fucking people that ran the stage, they were like, hey, man, are you talking shit about Fred Savage? You want to know the worst one. The worst one was Billy. I mean, Billy Crudup. I'm sure it's in the news or something.

Billy Crudup's a fucking great guy. That's why I'm hesitant to say anything bad about Billy Crudup. And I'm not saying anything bad about him. He's awesome. He wasn't part of this. Billy Crudup's a fucking legit guy. Like a legit great guy, top to bottom a great guy. But?

No, but I think I'm just hoping this isn't gossip, but it's been fucking 17 years. So he him and his chick get split up, right? And he Maristin Masterson, whatever name is, they split up and he starts dating someone else. I think he was a celebrity. I don't remember. I think it was I think it was Claire Danes.

Someone had to Google it. But it's it's it's fodder for the tabloids. So we have a end of the season, end of the school picnic. And someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to to like the star or whatever. And fucking because of my constant behavior, they immediately assume it's me. But nothing about you would say like this is a guy

that would go behind you. Yeah, I did have I did have a big camera because I was a dad. Because I was a dad, because I was a dad. You got like this vest on with the rolls of film in it and shit. But I had like a camera because back then these cell phones didn't take pictures. So like I had a legit camera because I was a dad. And as soon as I get blamed for something,

I start behaving guilty. Like the second you go, hey, did you cheat on my wife? My wife one time found a pair of jeans in my laundry, like girl's jeans, sexy girl jeans. She goes, who's are these? And I started laughing so hard that I couldn't defend myself. I go, I have no idea. And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know where they came from. And she goes, where the fuck would you find these? And I was like, I have no fucking idea. I have no idea. And she legit was like, how the fuck would you have come home with girl jeans? Her best friend was like, fucking me's a cheater. Divorce him.

He's a cheater. He called him. He's a cheater. Divorce him. And then my wife's like, fuck it. I'm going to wear the jeans. So we go out to dinner with her best friend, Julie. And she wears the jeans.

And Julie says, hey, you're wearing my jeans. Leanne goes, these are the jeans I found in his laundry. And she's like, no, those are my jeans. She's like, I've been looking for those jeans. And Leanne goes, how did your jeans get in his laundry? Turns out I had come home from the airport, gone to Julie's house to party, put my jacket on her chair. Her jeans were on the chair, picked up my jacket on her jeans.

And I was like, fucking cunts, I told you. I fucking told you, I'm not a cheater. When the machine story went viral. And the reason I'm sure I told you this, when the machine story went viral, the reason it went viral was someone in my class had written, I was on this trip, I was in Bert's Russian class. The story's 100% true.

He fucking robbed us, right? Right, on Facebook. Yeah, on Facebook. Dude, I screen grabbed it. I'm not even joking. I screen grabbed it. And I sent it to Tom. And I was like, I knew I wasn't lying.

And he goes, I believed you the whole time. I didn't believe myself. Yeah. I have whatever that guilty. Like as soon as someone has money missing, I think I did it. Yeah. And I don't know what that is. I'm sure there's some fucking.

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Celebrate responsibly. Course Brewing Company, Golden Colorado. Now, here's more Burt Cresher. We got to get Tom on too. Tom Segura, your co-host. How's he doing physically after his, one of the all, if you haven't seen the clip, it's very relatable to anyone who played any sport

at any point in their life and then gained some weight in 20 years and then said, I'm gonna go do this again. It scared me off of playing basketball for a little bit there. He's doing good. He's doing really good at, you know, and all. What do you break?

Tell me the whole list of injuries. So he went to jump and as he went to jump, his left patella ruptured. That's such a bad injury too. That's just the start. That's not even, I know, but that alone, people talk about like the ACL as being a bad injury. If you rupture your patella tendon,

that's like the most painful knee injury that you can possibly have. Well, his exploded because apparently it wasn't meant to solely hold 280 pounds. Like his patella was never invented to hold what he did to it. So then that exploded and then Tom, in his quick thinking, grabbed his left arm

to catch his body. Now that left arm, the humerus bone, also was not meant to hold 280 pounds and it broke in half. And then because he was moving so fast, because when that much mass moves that forward that fast, it spun in a circle and his arm was facing as if it was like reaching for a cheat notes in class

like, hey man, can you pass me the notes? And now this happens in a blink of an eye. It happens in a second. He's like, hey, you guys wanna see me dunk? And we're like, aw, everyone's like, get your cameras out, this is gonna be good. And you hear a pop-up and the panic noise of real pain that not like ow, ow, ow, like ah.

The gasping, yeah. Call 911, call 911. I watched it. I have a sick thing where I love watching injury videos. What's ironic is he does too. That's the irony in all of this is if you show him an Asian guy getting knee-capped by a car in a garage, he is crying laughing.

Yes, that's me. Yes, I'm the same way. It's puke videos and any type of horrific injury, I will watch it every time. I just love that his body just quit on itself. He was like, nope, I'm gonna, I'd rather self implode than do what you're asking me to do right now. And he was so competitive that day.

Cause now here's what you need to know about me and Tom is athletically across the board, I've always been better than Tom and everything and everything there is to do. There's not one thing he can hold a candle to me at all, ever, anything. And I know that, I know that. I'm a little bit like, because I played sports growing up,

I can pick up very quick. He said one day, he goes, I've been taking tennis lessons and I, without knowing where he was in tennis, I said, I'll destroy you. And he went, you don't know how good I am. I said, it doesn't matter, I destroy you. And he goes, but I don't know how good you are. And he goes, I said, it doesn't matter, I destroy you.

And he goes, let's play tennis. And I said, let's play tennis. I aced him 42 times, I aced, I aced his tennis coach. His tennis coach pulled Tom aside before the match. He said, heads up, your boy's got a division one serve. And he was like, what? He was like, I have no idea where his game is horrible, but his serve is fucking top notch.

And it has, he's got three different types of spin you need to watch out for. And when he puts the heater on, it goes past you. And by the way, I have a division one serving tennis. So Tom's like, what the fuck? I aced him so bad that it was no longer funny. His wife came out and brought his kid to cheer him on. And then she put him in the car.

She didn't want him to see it. It was that bad. So when we went to play basketball, Tom all of a sudden was better at me in basketball. And he was like, he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I also, and this is from doing travel channel a lot. I knew, you don't always have to give it 100% because you can get hurt.

So when playing basketball, I'm kind of just fucking around going like, I have not moved around a lot. I was the fattest I've ever been. And so when we went to dunk, I was like, I'm not going to fucking hurt myself. Tom was like, I'll hurt myself. And man, it happened so quick.

And I'll admit my initial instinct of resetting his arm wasn't the best idea. How long was he like actually out for? Like six months? He had to do everything, right? He had to do all rehab and everything? I'm not, I mean, the best parts of this story are the aftermath.

I mean, there's so much. Cause here's the thing that, okay. So like everyone loves Tom. I love Tom. He's my best friend. He's hilarious on stage, but the funniest parts of Tom are the sad parts. Like when he goes like, so we go to his house.

I go home and tell my wife, I go, Tom's fucked himself up. He's in the hospital. She goes, we need to drive over and help push. Push is not equipped to do this by herself. And I was like, you're right. So we go to Tom's house and I buy a, like if you're lifting an old person,

they put a belt around them. I buy one of those belts. And they're like, what the fuck is this for? And I go, we're gonna have to get Tom in this house. He can't use any parts of his body. I need to put a fat belt on him and carry him. And they're like, okay. So he gets there and his,

when Tom is like bummed out, it is my favorite look in the world. It is, there's not a child who's dropped an ice cream cone that can do it better. He's got a little look where he just goes like. And so I put the fat belt on him and I carry him into his screening room and I throw him on the thing.

And he's sweating now. He's got, they didn't even reset his arm at the hospital. He's got a brace on his thing. And he's just like this. He's in pain and he looks up and my wife just looks at me and goes, you're about to get fat as fuck. And his look on his face was priceless.

Do you have like stairs in his house and shit they did to get around? He did. He had a ton, you know, four story house in the palace. So they had to do the like old person chair that took him up and down the stairs. They were like, okay,

we're going to have to make a ramp to get him in and out. We're going to have to, they had to old people. All because he played basketball one day. All because he played basketball and he said, do you want to see me dunk? The best. For like half a second he played basketball.

The best is, now Tom and I are also very different men in comics and that like, if you say, if you see us on the street and you're like, oh shit, Bert, I will match your energy. And I'll be like, hey, what's up?

How you doing? Want to get a picture? Sure, let's do it. Tom, he will shut down and be like, not now and just walk away. So he's not, he's not a dick, but he's not like,

he doesn't, fame is not why he ever got into this at all. So the next day I have to get him a medical transport to get him to the hospital. This guy shows up with long hair. It's clear he's been smoking in this van. I now have a wheelchair. I get Tom in the wheelchair.

I wheel him out to the thing. I get him in the thing. The guy, Tom's also overweight. This guy and I are struggling to get him there. It's the height of COVID. We're all messed up. Tom's messed up. He's in the same pants he was wearing

the night before same sweat smells. We get in the back of the van. There's no air conditioning. The guy's like, we start to drive and Tom just looks at me and he's like, he's at his lowest. He now knows he's going in for a full time of surgery.

And he goes, and the guy goes, so what do you guys do? And I go, we're comedians. And he goes, tell me a joke. I go, Tom, tell him a joke. He's just his sadness was the funniest thing

out of all of the whole fucking thing. We got him in the elevator and his arms like this and he got stuck in the elevator. I mean, there was so much to it. We had to take him in. I had to take him into the emergency room at Cedar Sinai in the peak COVID. We're talking December of COVID of a year ago.

And we had to get him to piss in a bottle. I mean, it was talking like, he literally, I literally said to him, if you've ever questioned how much I love you, let this remind you that this is how much I love you. I mean, that was a really intense time for friendship. I can't even imagine how you would take a shit like that. He didn't actually for a while

because he was on pain pills. So he was on so many pain pills, he wasn't shitting. And then when he started shitting, he had COVID. So he thought it was just detoxing from pain pills. Oh, Jesus Christ. By the way, these are all stories you would never hear from Tom Segura. Like he would never tell you these.

But yeah, it was an interesting time in my life. And then I ruptured my arm and blew out my tendons and he was great for me because he like helped me, got me a physical therapist. And yeah, he's a, he's an interesting. So I know that you're a golf fan. Can you still play golf with your injuries? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I played, I played Pebble Beach the other day on the fucking, have you ever played with the one that's got the screen? I played it several times on Tiger Woods 2005, I think. That golf game, maybe the best sports video game of all time. Maybe the best. So I was addicted to that game.

I was addicted to that game. I love that game more than ever. I played real Pebble Beach. I was playing the one that you hit into the mat and it shows up, I played that the other day, but I played Pebble Beach for real. And it wasn't until whole five, the par five uphill, you know the one on the cliff where you hit

and then you gotta hit up blind into the, until I went, I've played this fucking course a million times. It was actually on hole three, I think, or hole three. You know, it gets way easier in person than it is, I'm well-prepared. I got up there and I go, this is a drivable par four. And he's like, it's not drivable.

I go, it's three, 10. It's a drivable par four. And he goes, it's up hill, I go, it's a drivable par four. I hit five balls until I got up on the same trap. We gotta get you down to the masters. That would be great to have you go cover the masters there. Oh, that's all you had to say. Yeah. That's all you had to say.

That is all, dude. That's the perfect environment for a guy like you because it is, you know, it's the old school plays very buttoned up, tradition's important down there. You know, they do like, they do like fake bird sound effects on the, on the broadcast. No way. They really doctor it up.

They spray paint the grass to make it look greener than it really is. They do have an army of people that walk around like picking up every single leaf with like little tweezers to make sure that it looks perfectly manicured. Golf tournaments are fun as fuck. We used to go to the TPC every year out of St. Augustine, I think, I think that's where it is.

But all I know is that whole 17, we just sat by that par three and just watched and everyone would bet it was the funnest. Yes. Getting you down in Augusta and inside the masters, that would be maybe the best content that I've ever had. I would fucking, I would, I would come all over my pants to be at the, at the master.

That's how you get in. They'll hear that and they'll be like, okay. Hey man, I guys hope you know I came in my pants for this. Oh cool bird, thanks. So you, when you got, when you walked in here this morning, you have, you have a show in Newark on when, tomorrow, tomorrow. So we're going to run this Friday.

When's the next show? In Brooklyn on, on, I'll tell you exactly. By the way, my wife called and was like, texting, do you need something? I'm in Brooklyn on the 31st, Providence, Rhode Island, the first, Portland, Maine, the second, and then, and then Albany, New York on the third. So you're doing the whole, yeah, up and down East coast.

You came in though and you're like, my goal today is to just not drink until five PM. If I could not. What happened yesterday? Oh, no, I've been good. It's my whole thing is I've been good. And then I got on the plane last night and we do this thing called private suite.

It's where it's like a separate entrance. We got it for COVID and then now I'm addicted to it. Wait, what is it? It's private suite. It's a different entrance. I, you go, so like the airports here, all the gates are here. Well, it's on the other side and you pay extra

and you go to a private suite and you hang out there and they, it's stocked. You can all, you can take whatever you want out of there. It's stocked. They bring you caviar and then they put you in a car and drive you onto the tarmac, onto the plane. That's amazing. It costs more.

But if you've got parents that are older like me, it makes sense because they don't want to be in, you know, in the airports during COVID and then, and it's, and for me and my team, when we fly out, we all meet at private suite. We all hang out, party our balls off. It's fucking all you can drink. And then we get on the plane.

So I was like, I'm good. I'm not drinking. I had a busy day yesterday. And then I got there and then a bottle of wine and brushed champagne and caviar and I got fucking lit. And then got on the plane and then, but didn't ring on the plane, passed out, listened to the Ryan Leaf podcast.

Have you listened to that? Yeah, we've had him on our show. Yeah. He is fucking fascinating. Yeah. Like, and by the way, I didn't follow any of that when it was happening. Yeah.

I wasn't, I don't, you know, I only watch, I don't, I don't give a fuck about the Jamarcus Russells and Ryan Leafs. But like, I will listen to all of Ryan Leafs podcast. Yeah. He's got a good head about him. Like when we were talking to him about, you know, as he was going through that process,

he's able to look back and like very clearly, completely self-diagnose. Here's where I fucked up. Here's where the reasons are. He's a smart guy. All I could think is, don't get the big house. That's all I thought.

And then I just bought a big house. You did? Yeah. And I was like, but I was hungry in that small house. In that small house, you had nowhere to go. So you got up and you left, or you got up and you went out back and you wrote. In the big house, you're like,

I'm gonna polar plunge, I'm gonna take a bath. Yeah. Like you have all the amenities. It's crazy. Like that's all I heard is don't get the big house. And it's interesting because I have been, I've been pushing away. My wife loves our big house.

My daughters love it. But I've been distant from it because I go, this isn't mine. Like I still need to work. I still have to work. This isn't mine. It's fascinating. And it's fascinating to hear the things,

the way his brain thought about vengeance and vendettas. And because I know dudes in comedy that are that way. Right. And I'm like, whoa. What does it do you think about guys in comedy that it's almost like they're, they're so sensitive all the time. Like they've got these egos

and so much of what drives them is just based on like hatred or like trying to bring somebody else that they think they're more deserving than down. Well, it's, I mean, it really is. You're talking about a group of guys who are more often than not, not cool in high school, not athletic, not couldn't do anything. Never had a bunch of successes under their belts.

And so then when they get to comedy and they get a, and there's a lot of rejection in comedy. When you get that success, you, I know the instinct. I know the instinct. It's, there's a period when you get a first flash of success where you want to tell everyone to fuck themselves. Right. You want to tell everyone that, and I went through it.

I mean, I'm not saying that everyone went through it, but I went through it where you get that first thing and you're like, you want to call up the agents that didn't want to work with you or people that didn't want to help you and be like, I told you, but the best thing you can do is shut your fucking mouth. It's the old Bill Murray. Like, I think you said it specifically about Chevy Chase

that everyone gets one year to be a dick when they become famous and then you got to adjust. And then Chevy Chase obviously never did, but that was like, I never, I never was a dick because, so I got very lucky. I got very lucky in that I had travel channel, small travel channel success, not, not success, but it was just like stripper money, you know, like it was good money and then everything went away.

And during that time I was, when you get fired from travel channel and you don't have a special and you're just working the road and everyone, including yourself, thinks this will not happen for me. It is, it is an insight I wish every comic could get because you see the comics that look over your shoulder when they're talking to you at the store.

You see the comics that look in your eye. I'll tell you the comics that look in your eye. Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, Tom Segura. I'm not saying that other people don't. Joey Diaz, my friends, my small group of friends, they're the guys that are, that none of that shit matters. I mean, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan, I have said this before, they, when I walked into the backstage of the store

one time, they were like, hey man, your show sucks. And I was like, what? And they're like, your, your travel show sucks. You're wasting your life. You're a talented comic and you're awesome on podcasts. Focus on your podcast, get your special done. Fucking be undeniable. Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, probably more than Burr,

but Burr is, you know, Burr just is a quieter dude. Rogan was like, you need to get the fuck out of a travel channel. And, and when I got fired, I remember you find out, you find out who the real people are. And then when you get, you do the first theater tour and you sell them all out and then you add shows and you start doing Red Rocks and like,

I'm doing the Greek on May 5th, small plug. But like, you can find out who those real people are and who the real, cause now there's people that would look over my shoulder that are like, what's up, Burr? Hey man, I heard you got a project going. Like, what's going on? You and Tom sell something?

Man, if you ever need a, a fat astronaut, you know. Right. Try to fight themselves on. Yeah. I feel like the podcast just in general is so much, it's, it's perfect for you because you don't have to worry about having like a full team of people to approve every idea that you have.

Or like. And I have a lot of bad ones. Yeah, but the bad ideas are usually the best ones. Oh, we're, yeah. Oh, dude, let me tell you something. You should do a show that's just strictly bad ideas. I've had, by the way, I, I've had bad ideas that are so bad that everyone says they're horrible

until fucking Dave Portnoy green lights them. And then all of a sudden, Burr Christ is a goddamn genius. And then I have my next bad idea and everyone's like, quick, quick, quick, before Barstool does it. And it's not a good idea anymore. So I came up with two bears, sports management, probably like three years ago.

I was like, we need to start signing agent, signing talent. It was a joke. And, and Tom's like, what do you mean? I go, we need a talent. We need to find talent. And we talked about it. We laughed about it.

Athletes reached out to us. We talked to one guy, the handshake king. We signed him. But then you guys did it. And all of a sudden, all these agents that mocked me, hit me up. But like, you still doing sports management? And I was like, I, man,

we don't have the infrastructure they do. That's a, they're a different animal. Like they're going to do it and succeed. Tom and I were just thinking about a lark. And then I came up with stupid fucking two bears racing, a racing team. And I fucking just invested $100,000. And I'm just waiting for Dave and you guys to do it

so that it's a real idea. What, what is the- I bought Tom a race car. He bought him a race car? First birthday. I bought him a race car. So we do gay birthdays. So we do our gay guys by the best presidents ever, right?

So one year, Tom bought me like a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, those things are sick. They're awesome. Yes. And they're even better. They're even better at 2 a.m. when you're drunk and no one's out, right?

So then the next year I bought him, we said for our birthdays, we'll buy more expensive gifts every year. And we'll, until we get to a million dollars. And so then- That's unbelievable. But I'm like, I'm like looking at my time. Like Tom's 42, I'm 49.

I gotta, I gotta speed this up, right? So I buy him the next year he had moved to Austin. I bought him a $15,000 wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour, right? So he's like, nice. So then this year- Does he use it? Every fucking day.

Oh, okay. Tom's a speed freak. Okay. So he gets on glass and just, he uses it so much, he bought a second one. Okay. So then this year he calls me up, I'm stressed, we got the movie coming out,

or we're wrapping the movie, I'm doing screenings in like Sugar Land, Los Angeles, I'm doing shows, I'm on tour, and I'm stressed out, Tom knows, and I'm doing two bears in Austin, and he knows I'm stressed out, and he calls me up and he goes, happy birthday. Don't worry about next week.

It was like my busiest week. And I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it, I got you. After you show him in Minneapolis, I got a private jet, it's gonna pick you up, it's gonna take you to Austin. We're gonna do two two bears, then the private jet's gonna take you to Sugar Land,

and it's gonna drop you off to go to the screening of the movie, then it's gonna take you back to LA. So you can see the girls and do your voiceover, and then the private jet is gonna fly you back out on the road. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah, and he goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones, it's the fucking G5.

It's like the fucking big one. It's like $70,000. And I'm like, all I thought was, motherfucker, I gotta spend $100,000 on this guy next year. So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing. And I said, let's start two bears racing. I'll buy you a race car for your birthday.

And he's like, are you being serious? And I said, yeah, and he goes, no, you don't mess around with me. This is like my dream. And I was like, done. So I bought a $56,000 race car. We're doing endurance races, BMW endurance races. Hell yes.

And I'd love if you guys, if Barstool could start his race team to make this fucking real. Yeah. If you guys just pitch us around the office, if Barstool starts a race team, then all of a sudden my idea doesn't look like a weird fucking idea. Where's the race?

All around, endurance races are forever. So our first race, I think we're gonna get Rogan, Tom, and Matt Farah to be our race team. It's over 24 hours. So they each are just doing laps and laps and laps. I got them a trailer. I got everything wrapped. I got them four extra tires.

And I've got a crew that's gonna be there for the first race. So it's like the, it's on one track though. So on one track, and it's all different types of cars. So you're not really racing, you're racing against people in your, by the way, I don't really know what I'm talking about. So I don't know what the fuck, I just have the money to buy the fucking race team.

What does the winner get? Tell me the business plan on it. The business plan, ad sales. Okay. So already in just talking about it, all our advertisers for two bearers have asked if they could buy space on the car. And I'm like, oh, this could work out pretty good.

Secondly, live events. So we do live events and me and Tom and, and so content for live events is always the key to a great live event. This could be a great live event either hosted there or shot and then taken on the thing. You have, I made sure that my car has all cameras and the video on the inside.

So people can live stream and watch Tom race a car for fucking endurance racing. I'm down to drive. Yeah. By the way, let me tell you something. I, I came up with the idea of thinking cause I literally thought, how do we get into formula one?

Right. And then they're like, Yeah, be a Russian oligarch. Yeah. Yeah. And so they said, well, you got to start somewhere. And then all of a sudden this guy, Matt Farah who has a great podcast called the smoking tire, he hit me up.

He goes, this is actually a really great idea. And he goes, for a hundred thousand dollar investment, you can get into endurance racing and I can help you out. And I was, and he knows everything about cars. So we bought the car. We bought the trailer. It's in Sacramento. It shipped yesterday.

It's going to get, yeah. And so that's Tom's birthday present is a race team. I love it. I love it. Yeah. So now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year? What's the, what's the ground floor for the price level?

I mean, I'm assuming we're just going to double up. I'm thinking $200,000. Yeah. I don't know. I kind of want like a ranch house in Montana. Like I really, by the way, I brought, I told this to a gay dude and he goes, do you know the stress we have when my boyfriend buys me

something for Christmas that I've got to one up him? The one upmanship because it's dudes, right? It's fucking dudes. So there's the competition there. Then there's the love. Then there's the disposable income. We had gay guys writing in their favorite presents. They brought them.

Dude, it was like my boyfriend got me tickets to the subway series that like it was like, it was like the best fucking presence. Gay guys are just guys. They're just guys. They're just fucking guys. They're just guys who get sick ass fucking presents. Sick ass presents.

Not all of them want Gucci. Someone like go, let's go to the masters. That's probably, you know, right? So that's fucking, I'm expecting a big present next year. I love it. I love it. All right. My last question is you put,

you should get Roback to sponsor the race car. Roback, go to RHOBACK.com. We have some Roback here. Oh, I know Roback. Yeah. Dude, so. 20% off if you use code TAKE. By the way, they just sent me a huge fucking box.

Oh, they're the best. They actually are the best. They are the best. The most comfortable clothes. We went to a lacrosse game. I got my Roback box for the podcast. They, and I, and it was cold. And I pulled out a couple of the, the, the over shirts.

And my dad fucking was like, who is this? And I go, it's a podcast sponsor. It's Roback. And he was like, shut up. He was like, buddy, can I go through this? I was like, yeah. And then he's like, no, this is going to fit you. I was like, easy, big guy.

Yeah, no, my dad loves this stuff too. Like it's, I think it's, it's the most most comfortable stuff in the world. So Roback.com use code TAKE. You get 20% off sponsoring Burt's racing team eventually. Look, I don't know where the money in this is. See, that's why I need you guys. If you guys start your race team,

then you, I know you guys will figure out where the money is. Well, Dave has got like a very good eye for business and how to make money off this stuff. When you guys, cause when I pitched sports management to Tom, whatever, however long ago, no, my agents, no one could figure out how you can make money. And then you motherfuckers came in and you're like, collegiate athletes.

And I was like, that's why you guys are where you are. I'm not even joking. And I saw you guys in Dick's sporting goods the other day. Oh yeah. I'm like, that fucking brain, that's a, that's a once in a lifetime brain of you guys. And you guys have a beautiful collective here of brilliant fucking people.

Yeah, it's a combination of like, yeah, brilliant chaos. And then a lot of weirdos. A lot of weirdos are great though. I love weirdos. Yeah. I mean, there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire non weirdos. They do everything that they can in their process

to make sure that no weirdos are working at like an ESPN or like a Fox sports. People love fucking watching weirdos. They put ass in seats. Dude, weirdos, bad ideas are like, I love, this one guy's hit me up. Cause I have a weird thing on two bears that I love original ideas.

I love original ideas and ideas you never heard. And this guy, one guy who was like, dude, may not be a bad, the best idea. I got two dishwashers in my house. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, who the fuck? I just load one up and then I have one empty. So when I load the other one up,

I put two dishwashers in my house because this fucking guy that wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house. Change your life. I don't know. I don't do dishes, but my wife. All right, Bert, thank you so much for stopping by. Hey, any time you guys are in LA, please come do my podcast.

Yes, absolutely. And if you're in Austin, we always need guest bears. So like, cause, so if you're ever in Austin, How often are you down in Austin? Once a month. Okay. Yeah. Once a month. Yeah, I used to live there.

I go back every chance I can get. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate, I appreciate this. It is, I'm telling you, thank you very much for having me on. Yes, thank you for coming on. Love to have any on. Fuck yeah.

Yes. All right, thanks to Bert Kreischer. Great guest. Where you're going to wrap up the show with a little Marsh Madness. And Marsh Madness is brought to you by our friends at Visible. Visible has a single line plan for as low as 25 bucks a month with unlimited data talk, text, and hotspot.

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And yeah, if you're not doing this, I don't know what you're doing. You got to have the most powerful phone. You got to have the unlimited data. You got to have the 5G. It's powered by Verizon. It has unlimited data, talk, text, and hotspots. And it's as low as 25 bucks a month.

Thank you to Visible. Great plan for everyone out there. Marsh Madness, let's do it. Where are we at? All right, so we had 20 from the opening weekend. I'm still missing a bunch, but we're at 29 right now. I think the last 30 to 60 seconds will be the final four. Okay.

So I'm saving a lot for the back end there. Question. Yeah. The possibility of them just dedicating it solely to Coach K if they win. Oh my God. Just a spotlight on Coach K on the court. Oh my God.

If it's just his whole career? Yeah. Oh my God, I fucking hate you, Hank. Oh my God. That was actually, I think that was first reported by Frank Fleming. He did say that over the weekend. But yeah, I think.

Oh, then I'm not feeling bad about that. Frank has, yeah. I'm okay. Frank has Coach K coaching the Lakers, LeBron's there. Steph Curry just got traded there. They got, Yannis is there. Kevin Durant, they're all there.

Given the storylines of this year's final four, it's gonna be final four heavy this year. Yeah. Yeah. Elite eight didn't happen. We had the cheerleader again. That cheerleader is on there. We have this lucky miss,

unlucky miss in Gonzaga, Arkansas, and went over the back of the rim. Oh my God. That's gonna be in there. Yeah. Yeah, that's for sure. This is definitely gonna be on there. The cool jump up by St. Peter's Matthew Lee.

How much St. Peter's is gonna factor into this because they gotta have the dog in there at some point too, right? Yeah. A dog hitting a three will be on there. I also had St. Peter's pretty missing the buzzer beater and then. Do you think that they'll have Jaden Ivey

opting out of the sweet 16? Well, that focused on the image. They missed their shot, so. Right. Part of it. What happened? Interview heavy. There was some good interviews this weekend.

First up, Shaheen Holloway, and then the players coming over to greet him. I loved that. I loved that interview. That was awesome. You know what a red flag about Doug is though? Doug says that he doesn't like sandwiches. How can you say you don't like sandwiches?

That's ridiculous. Everybody's got a sandwich. Maybe he just likes winks. He's sponsored by Buffalo Wild Roots. Yeah. Well, they also have delicious sandwiches there and more. And he's good at apologizing too. Yeah, he did apologize to you.

Right. Nice guy. Caleb Love Heat Check towards the end of the UCLA game. If you want that game for him for that. Awesome. Awesome game. That game was why this tournament is so brutal. UCLA was winning that game and had it for 90% of the game.

And then Caleb Love just went nuclear for the last three minutes. And it was like, oh, now you're going home. Absolutely. The Arkansas cheerleader guarantee with Indiana. Again, today's. Jaylen Williams taking a charge. Oh, yeah, I like that. Those old women with the hot smell, good shirt.

Oh, yeah. Those were great. So the Williams thing. I didn't realize that he wears special pads to allow him to be able to take charges more efficiently. He's SEC Brad Davidson. That's crazy. Yeah.

He was incredible. He just he also had this ability. He just would just like he almost it was like watching that. You know that couple of miles Garrett where he like basically teleports through the home. That's that's what Jaylen Williams would do. He would he would be not. He wouldn't be there.

And then all of a sudden he'd just be underneath someone getting a charge. Yeah. Tonight's Hubert Davis interview. Emotional hot seat. Not by me by our podcast team sport. I'll take the heat for it. OK.

Thank you. And Tony Bennett. Team sport. We're going to get one definitely of manic like head banging and his his main just flowing in the air. Yeah, him hitting a three. I think I had that last week. Yeah.

But he keeps hitting the threes. What a second half by Kansas today. David McCormick's and one I have on there when he went crazy. 47 15 second half. I think it was insane. Crazy. Villanova players going over Justin Moore after they won. Yeah.

Couldn't get up at the bench. And then yeah. The J and Ivy Miss and St. Peter's the first elite team 15 seed to go to the elite. Crazy. Unreal run. Also we had this debate on our post game show. I'm interested to hear your thoughts because I was outnumbered

in this one bigger upset. St. Peter's over Kentucky. UMBC over Virginia. Yeah. Sixteen one. Thank you. So I was outnumbered there. That's what I said.

What? There's been like 10 15s over a two. Yeah. Like it worked up. They said that they both said 15 over St. Peter's over. That's insane. These are the same guys that put Hubert Davis on the hot seat.

Jake, how do you do it? I don't even know what that argument is. It's not an argument. That's the most recency biased argument I've ever heard. I think it's I think they're making the argument because well Jersey City and its coach Cal. I think there's some Jersey. Right.

I understand it's a blue blood but 16 over a one. It's a one time thing. 15 over two is like seven or eight times. Yeah. Lehigh. Jersey City. Over Duke. Yeah.

I think it's not even a debate. They said maybe 60 40. I'll tweet out the poll right now. OK. That's that's that's an insane. I said UMBC over Virginia and I was outnumbered. I think sometimes your co-host on the pack. Like I don't know how they function in real life.

I feel like they walk around on their heads just like seeing the world completely upside down sometimes. Man I'm sorry Jake. That's brutal. I love I love them. Oh I love them too. I love them but they are insane clinically. I guess you know what you know who should host that show

instead of you would be Emmanuel Acho. I think they would the three of them. Oh by the way he asked somebody he proactively asked somebody to reach out to me to ask me to block him. Which I did not do and then he blocked me too. So now now I lost one of my Carson Wentz stands. Yeah. I'm looking actively for a new psychopath

to stand Carson Wentz with me. Emmanuel Acho I just be ready man because content Kim is coming after you. I still have her Twitter account from sling sleepers. So that'll be my I've been fired my burner at him. All cylinders. Jake great job. Thank you.

All in New Orleans so excited. Man what a tournament. Yeah I'm excited to be there with you guys. Yeah they've been to a Final Four. I have been to a Final Four. I have a sad story to share. I told you this. Oh wait.

What? I told you this. OK yeah. Oh yeah yeah yeah no it's not that sad. OK. Yeah so 2016 I was a sophomore. I thought you told me someone died and I forgot. No just like bummer.

Yeah yeah yeah. 2016 Syracuse I was a sophomore at Syracuse. They made the Final Fours a 10 seed. Went down to Houston. They got smoked by UNC. I was there. Oh were you? Yeah.

They killed. Oh that's awesome. And I went back to school. I missed the greatest championship shot ever. Yeah but that's a totally normal. A lot of fans leave when their team leaves. But it's like I'm regretting it. But in 2014 I left after Kentucky beat Wisconsin.

Fair but knowing you missed the greatest shot ever. I think you'll make up for it this time. Final Four is great too. It's like just middle-aged white dudes walking around in sweatpants for three days. And a lot of lawyers. Yeah a lot of lawyers. Because if you want to get down there

you have to have a lot of money to be able to get in the building. So it's guys that are they will party. Lawyers. Yeah. OK Billy. Very important. Where are we at?

So we're not in the we're not. It could be way worse being that there would be no positive scenarios in the Final Four. Yeah if we lost all our money. Right yeah right. So it's about 50-50. Kansas and Kansas and UNC if they win it all they come out positive.

So we would have made money. We'd be up $651 if UNC won. We'd be up $31 if Kansas won. Uh-huh. Just money. And then Duke and Villanova both we'd be down OK. We'd be down OK. So Duke and Villanova won.

So one thing we didn't discuss. Did you only bet a K of it? Right. So I have 600 left for this exact scenario. I think we got to we got to let it ride on something. Yeah so I'm thinking. I got a parlay. I was thinking.

Perfect segue but yeah. I'm thinking parlaying Duke and Villanova because if both of them win then we're going to be in total both are negative scenarios. So we got to load up something on that. We'll have something to root for in the championship. Wait. Now something we haven't discussed yet though is we

probably should that's on us for giving you the money they're not talking about. I'm going to give you back the money. What the payment plan was on it. So yeah what percentage of the profits if any are we expected to give to you. I'm just going to give it all back to you guys. OK cool.

And I'll match to myself. I'll match the portion to myself. I'm also going to say what we should do. Whatever amount we were left with. Wait fuck do they do. They change how the women's Final Four goes. Now it's Sunday night. Not Tuesday night.

It's usually the night after. I'm pretty sure you double check though. I was going to say we should take all the money and let it ride on the women's championship. Give a little shine to the ladies. That'd be nice. Yep. I'm down.

For a second I thought you're going to ask me to make a whole new spreadsheet for the women's. Yes that's exactly what I want. I know they changed it. April 3rd which I believe is. Sunday. Tuesdays. Oh.

I'm pretty sure. Yeah Sunday. So that is the day before. Yeah. All right so we'll have to make a decision on Sunday morning Billy. We'll have to. You'll have to.

We'll talk about it and you're going to be still in New Jersey so you'll be able to. Place a bet. OK. Thank God St. Peter's didn't win because. I wouldn't have been able to put a future bet on it in the first place because of New Jersey. Yeah.

So that would have been really bad. So OK. Because I had five dollars on St. Peter's future to win it all when I was outside of New Jersey. They also I think I saw a lot of books because like when you bet on New Jersey in New Jersey you can't bet on New Jersey teams so they'll have like title odds excluding like your bet is void if a New Jersey team wins

and it only had excluding Rutgers and Seton Hall. What if they forgot to put it in St. Peter's. What if they did in the final four. Who do you think is going to win. Duke UNC or I guess it would be Duke Villanova Kansas or the field and then the field would just be literally St. Peter's could you get away with that I wonder. No I don't think so.

Yeah. All right so pretty stupid laws. So we're rooting for UNC. Yes hard. OK. Until I I got to put something together to try to get some better situations for Duke and Villanova. OK.

You let us know how it goes and then we will after Saturday night we'll make a decision on what we're going to do with the women's championship game on Sunday night even though we'll we'll have a good picture of what we're where we're at. So Hank that leads you leads us to you. You're hot. I'm hot.

I'll give a quick just a quick backstory because you're very involved in this too. I did have a good hungry dog season. I took my money out. I haven't been really gambling much show in the beginning of this tournament on Thursday I deposited three grand after like a million bets over the weekend. I think I was up like to forty five hundred.

You texted me to take Houston Sunday night at like two a.m. did that Houston versus Arizona. Houston versus Arizona. Yes. It was before the sweet 16. So I did that and then I think I had like thirty six hundred left after that Houston money line bet and St. Peter's for five hundred.

I had thirty five hundred left. I said fuck it. Big guy's doing game of the year. I'm going to put all of that on Duke minus four. So all three of those bets hit. I was feeling good about myself. Big guy had the game of the year. I felt good about the game of the year myself.

I understood his logic. Miami versus Iowa State. So I easy. I took everything that I was up. Put that on Miami. So that was that was yeah it was it was responsible. It was winnings. I was taking my winnings and I love the I love the bet.

So that was six grand to win eleven grand and then me and Big Cat were texting again on Friday night and I was like dude I love UNC. There's no way that they're going to let you know it NCAA wants Duke and UNC bad and Big Cat was like well then Duke money line UNC money line is the pick that went off in my head it clicked it sparked something in my mind on Saturday. I drove to Pennsylvania like an hour away just so I could put

this bed in and I can't bet on the UNC St. Peter's game. Yeah. So I bet I bet that eleven grand the tobacco road tsunami. That hit. So now I'm up a shit ton and I'm just trying to figure out like what my next move is. I'm thinking about you know taking some out maybe booking a

vacation or like a summer house or something typical. But part of me well yeah obviously you got to do something with it otherwise Hank you're not young anymore. You got to be booking summer houses. You got to you got to you got to make it worth it otherwise it's like if you if you like just keep it on the sportsbook there's no reason. But I'm thinking Celtics are like the hottest team in the NBA

right now. Best defense best offense Duke Celtics championship future. OK so I I I don't mind the fact that you're out here trying some crazy shit taking risks because it's been paying off for you. I don't love the fact that you're going cross sports here. I don't like that. You could get a brotherhood it's all connected brotherhood

Jason Tatum and then you'll have to then you'll have to like wait for your next winner. Well I have a lot to play with I wouldn't I wouldn't put yeah twenty eight grand on it the scary thing is if Duke doesn't win at all then you basically don't have your Celtics future. That's true. But that's not you know that's not going to happen. Come on.

I mean OK all right well let's think what what would the NCAA rig bet be. I think it would probably be Kansas and Duke Moneyline. I agree that's the can't lose parlay that that that does. So do that. I think I well I have I can mess around a little bit. I do want to do one whale play for for you know next weekend to keep the people going.

I mean the the ultimate NCAA rig parlay would be Duke Moneyline Kansas Moneyline and future on Duke winning the Natty or Duke Moneyline Kansas Moneyline future on Celtics winning the championship. One thousand pays twenty three. Wait on on Duke Moneyline Kansas Moneyline and Celtics championship yeah five thousand pays one hundred and fifteen thousand.

That's it. When we're talking about when we're talking about these big any time I see something like over 20 grand in an account I just think that's a car. Yeah you should get a car or somewhere else. All right well this won't be champagne. No yeah no this will blow up in your face. No I'm now feeling a lot more confident about UNC.

This is what I needed. I needed some ridiculous like Hank. Hank is great when he's using his logic not when he's doing this. Well you know that what we're dealing with right now is like dangerously confident Hank. Right it's a terrible idea that that half little smile that Hank has joined the chat when I tried to tell you.

I think you guys are actually I tried to share these bets with you. People do is like no I'm taking Arkansas. I was like that is the dumbest thing you could do. I tried to I tried to tell you there was a great moment. I hit St. Peter's Moneyline. I had I had some cash for my pocket. There was a great moment on Saturday night PFT when Hank

and Marty their Duke was up like 20 and they're like people just hate us. And Marty's like oh because I'm a Yankees and Duke fan. And it's like yeah I'm a Patriots and Duke fan. I was like oh my god these guys. So you know I mean I kind of went through this a little bit during football season with Hank but the fact that all his teams are so good like yeah I've just kind of accepted the fact

that there's something Hank is a winner. Hank personally wins winning. He wins things all the time. Yeah this is going to be and I think it's a testament to Hank. It's not about the Patriots. It's not about Coach K. I would bet on Hank. Yeah if there was like an ability to bet on a better Hank.

I'm taking Hank Moneyline. Yeah I won't let you I wouldn't let you down. Think about it we've gotten this whole this whole thing like we talked about Coach K's farewell tour. This is all been leading up to Hank like Hank is going to New Orleans. He's he's now a suit so he gets to you know stay in the suite and everything.

He's you know director of content. He gets everything he wants vice president. He's going to actually be able to trade business cards with dookies on Bourbon Street at like 4 a.m. But this is all leading up to Hank's the best weekend of Hank's life and he's going to get to watch his team and his coach cut down the nets and walk away and it's we know how fun it is to celebrate a championship on Bourbon Street.

We do I feel like Duke fans will probably will be a little no they'll be doing their taxes because it is close to April 15th I mean I got to get to sleep. What we saw last time was LSU winning a national championship in New Orleans. Yeah this is probably going to be crazier Duke for sure. I was going to say something I'm not going to say because Daniel Jones will be out in a lot of trouble.

Yeah I'm not going to say what I was going to say. Daniel Jones and Bates having like half a hang grenade and then going to sleep. Dude don't let Bates Jones get hot. Coach K needs to play him more. Grant Hill having half of a half of a tee and falling asleep. Oh I'm fucking Jim now who will Jim Nats give his tie to because Duke doesn't have any seniors because they don't

have any senior nights right. Oh my god this is torture. Am I wrong though. No you're not. This is torture. It's Coach K. This is absolute torture. He's probably going to give it to Coach K's grandson.

Oh my god. It's possible. Or Mickey. He'll be like here give this to your driver that your grandfather is perfect. You see Coach K please don't take a picture. He's so sick of all this attention. It's not about him.

This is going to be sickening. Please UNC. I bought so much UNC gear. I just need them so bad. I need them so so bad. Let's go for six. Oh you motherfucker. 13.

66. 25. 11. 6 in it. Nice pick bro. 72. Did we just have 72? Back to back.

Oh wow. Damn. PMT rigged. Damn. People in India wear masks on the back of their head to make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them. Love you guys. Libs.

Pretty certain Fouch is going to have us doing that here too. Rex Chapman teach you that one. Locker charge. This guy in India got eaten by a tiger because he didn't have his mask on. I don't know what I'm to say I'm saying that he's weak. Today's another day to fight you. Shine it away.

I'll be coming for your love of peace. Shine it away. I'll be coming for your love of peace. Take on me. Take me on. I'll be coming for your love of peace. I'll be coming for your love of peace. Take on me.

Take me on. I'll be coming for your love of peace. I'll be coming for your love of peace. Shine it away. I'll be coming for you anyway. Shine it away. I'll be coming for you anyway. Take on me.

Take me on. I'll be coming for you anyway.