Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP9: Alan Davies

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP9: Alan DaviesJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian and actor, Alan Davies. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parent in hell with

me. Rob Betica. and Joel Rittigan. Pretty good. Pretty impressed with that one. That is Noah age four. Nice. Who this week has learned to count to six in French. Absolute show off. Good on him though. Yeah, well done. But don't be that person that goes and see warrals at the theatre and laughs at all the French bits, even though it's not funny just to show if you know French, okay? He's also gone a full

week without saying that he wants to kill me. Oh great! Which is a real bonus for his mum Haley. But he has been saying it in Russian which makes it feel even more terrified. Rob, big news. Yep. Pochie training has begun. Not thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. thine. to be thine. to be to be thine. thine, that. that to be that that that thian. thirty to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to to be to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the. to be the. the, the, the, the, thrue. thrue. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to thrue. to to to to to to to has begun. Not even our doing, really. She just decided she didn't want to wear a nappy. That was it. Nice. They were gone. Liberating. So we got the potty. She got off to an absolute flyer.

Piss on day one. Two shit's day two. I couldn't believe it. Unbelievable. Yeah, piss on day one, two shit's day two, nothing in the five days since. I don't know what happened. She peaked too soon. So now, right, you know you've got the problem of like piss and shit everywhere. We've got the opposite. Absolute desert. She's now caught. She doesn't like nappies, but she's now got like stage fright. So now she's just holding on until she puts her nappy on for the nap. So she's, she's the the the the the the she's, she's their she's their she's their she's their she's their she's their she's their she's just holding on until she puts her nappy on for the nap.

So she's caught between two different worlds and she's not comfortable in either of them. So the nappy after the nap is an absolute war zone. It's not difficult to get her to go up for a nap because finally she can have a piss for the first time in four hours. But we don't want to go back. Because we've been told that once you start you don't want you don't want you don't want to go, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you're, you're, you're, you're, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to to, told, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, too, tooomorrow, thoomorrow, their, their, their, their, the't want to go back to the nappy stage because we've been told that once you start you don't want to go back Yeah, so I just don't know what to do about is this a normal thing? Do you know what I was sitting there just thinking and How has my life got to this point? I was thinking I'd love her to do a piss and shit on the floor at this moment? I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely. I would absolutely. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would absolutely punch. I would my situation would be enviable. Yeah, it's like I would kill.

I'm so sorry. Well, at least you know it's all going down there now. You know, like, what's that film where Tom Hanks is not able to get into either country stuck in the terminal? Yeah, the terminal. So she's in the to put the floor. I just want to apologize for my privilege. She's been shitting all over my floor and I've not realized the trouble I don't know how lucky you are, man.

I don't know how lucky I am. No, exactly, mate. Some people are born lucky, some people have a child that can shit on the floor. Oh, so now, and then she's obviously she holds holds, she holds, she holds, she holds, she holds, she holds, she holds, she holds, she holds at all? No. Well, she's looking like she needs to go to the toilet and she's getting increasingly irritable. I was like, do you want to sit on your potty? And then she was like, well, you sit on the potty? And I was like, yeah, fine. So I sat on the potty and she which would stick with her and she'd remember and tell some

psychologist when she's 25. Oh I tell you what sort of worked with us a little bit because she does all the wies now in the potty, just poise, a little potty, just poise, a little potty, just poise, a little, and then she can climb up and sit down. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like a big girl potty rather than an actual potty and then she can climb up and sit down. So if you let her pick one or pick a new potty off like the internet and then she's a bit more excited about it coming and she's got her own special big girl potty. Oh, that's a good idea. So that might be a good way of dinner because she knows what's going

because mine does just a wee every like 20 minutes because we keep asking. How much liquid that she can hold you. How much how much liquid you putting in her? Is she on a drip? What's going on? Whenever loads of little ones she'll do it for the attention so she'll do a tiny little like dribble go I've done a wee because I think she's a bit I think she knows you should be doing the poo but she's the try and to be doing the poo thr and the the poo the poo th but but but but but but the poo th but th. but th. but th. But the the thr- thr- thr- thr- thr- thr- thr- thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown is throwne but thr- thro- thr- thr- thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr- is thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in thr-in is thr-in is thr-in is thr-in is thr-in. Is throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' th is th is to make sure they're not feel embarrassed. But yeah, try and get it to pick a potty, but... Once you're potty training, your potty training, that's the rule, really, isn't it? Yeah, I don't think you can go back now. And also, this is a good time to do it because you are just indoors all the toa times you can ask her whether she wants to get the potty, right? Exactly. Well, just she'll learn.

Or, when do you stop in her nap? Well, hopefully never. I wouldn't say I'm racing to stop her nap. No, don't. Does it get just get shorter and shorter until it disappears? Or is it like one day it's gone? Yeah, a little bit like that. second one hardly had any nap at all because she at the older one wasn't having a nap so they just keep each other awake. I mean so it just slowly goes. I'll keep you updated because I know.

Well done. But those two shit. I forgot to tell you about when she did her first poo in the potty. So I was working upstairs. I was doing a last leg, zoom meeting so with like 12 people in it. And I get a textxx wife and it's like, um, a photo of it, which I don't think is necessary. I'd have believed it. There's no need for the photographic evidence. And she was like, oh, she wants to show you. And I'm like, well, I can't just leave the meeting and go to look at a shit. Imagine it as sorry guys. I'll be back in a minute, but I just need to go down and applause. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to go down and applaud. Right, we've got any letters, Joshua.

Yes. It's the lockdown parenting mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. So, this is from Brett Davis. Hi, bro, thanks for the therapeutic podcast. Until listening to you to, I thought I was the only parent not baking banana bread. Anyway, I thought you might be interested in my parenting low. Ten weeks into the lockdown, my 10-year-old's body clock is completely out of whack. And he assists on staying up later and later every night.

This means that lately my wife and I aren't even getting that precious hour of child-free-cliarit fair that he had to go to bed if I was staying up. So eventually I pretended I was turning in just to get him to settle down. I wanted a bit of time to myself, but I couldn't use the living room as it's right next to my son's room and my wife was already sleeping in our bedroom so I hatched a brilliant plan. Five minutes later, my son gets up to have a pee and walks in the bathroom and to to to to to the bathroom and to the bathroom. And the bathroom. And the bathroom. the bathroom. the bathroom. the bathroom. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the the to to the the the to the to to to to the the to to to the the to to to to to to to be. I was to be. I was the the to be the the to be the the to be to be to be the the the toilet, iPad in one hand, bottle of whiskey in the other. Daddy, what are you doing? I desperately scramble for some possible explanation. The woman made me look like a complete wreck of a human being, and in the end settled for the truth. I'm watching France v. Brazil from the 1986 World Cup.

On the toilet of a bottle of whiskey. Oh my. I thought it can get much worse, but this morning my son asked my wife, Mom, did you know that daddy watches videos in the toilet by himself when we're asleep? Oh, that is a low moment. It's great to hear those low moments. Yeah, it makes you feel better. It does make you feel better. The bottle of whiskey is the bleakest bit about it.

Yeah, I just think consuming anything where people defecate is always a no-no. What about a cup of tea on the toilet? No, I don't really engage in any eating or drinking on the toilet. I mean, it's not like floating around. It's not. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. the.... the.... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. thin. thin. thi. thin. thi. thi. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-a. thi. thi export rather than import when I'm on the toilet. Yeah, fair enough. And you've got the same role for the kitchen haven't you? You don't like shit in the kitchen? No I don't actually, just my daughter does. That's it. It's a strict rule. Talk about that like when we went to Disneyland, Paris, the two kids, which was the most fun we've ever had as a family, but the most, but their, but their, but, but, their, their, their, their, to be, to be, to be, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their, their, anyway was in this hotel room that was two double beds so the kids were both in one double bed and then we had in the other double bed but we had to try and be quiet but like they went a bed at like seven o'clock at night so we just used to sit by the hotel door with a bottle of a bottle of red wine each other and just think I've they've they they they they they they they they they they they've they've they've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've they've they've they've they've they've they've I've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took the th the the the the th the door just drinking and on our phones whispering

or what's happening each other and you think I've paid so much money for this. I mean but what can you do you can't leave the hotel room? No exactly because I read that when Michael Owen joined Rail Madrid he'd had that so he lived in a hotel room yeah and at 7 p.m. he just used to sit in the dark because of his children I'd probably get an adjoining room. Or at least a sweet. Do you know what I mean? He's very tight, clearly.

He's obviously a type of man. If you want to get in tou. thou. or we're on Twitter at lockdown parents. Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new lessons. Change is in the air. But one thing hasn't changed. The forward government still isn't investing in public schools.

Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the support they need. They can't wait another year. If the forward government won't change, it's't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the Ford government won't change, it's time to change the government. Our kids are counting on us. Join us at Building Better Schools. the today, a message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. What does Possible sound like for your business business. It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Terms and Conditions Apply. Visit Amex. C.A. slash Business Platinum. Josh, I'm very excited this week, our guest, Alan Davis. He's one of my comedy heroes, genuinely an absolutely brilliant comedian. We both owned his VHS when we were growing up, urban trauma. Oh, absolute. My mom actually, because I told her Alan was on the show, simply, I've got this if you want it, and it's the CD version of it as well. Oh, wow. Wow. Snap up next time I'm down there. But yeah, it's brilliant. Very underrated stand-up comedian. So I think people known about it, their stand-up, the-and-and-up, th. th. th. th. th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-up, th-a-s, thi-s, thin-s, thi-s, thi-s, I'm thi-s, I's thi-s, I's thi-s, I'm thi-s, I'm thi-s, I's thi-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s. tha-a-a-a-a-s. tha-s. tha-s. tha-s. tha-s. tha-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-s. tha-s. A- brilliant. So yeah, very excited about this one. And also, he's very happy to moan about his three children. Perfect.

This is Alan Davis. Alan Davis, how are you? I'm okay, Josh. I don't know how I am, actually. I haven't got anyone to sort of gauge it against, apart from the same four people, day out. All of them are more, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, to be, thi, to be, to be, to, to, to be, to be day out. All of them are more upbeat than me, but that's partly because three of them are sort of ten and under. Yeah, they have amazing, who was it who coined the term bounce back ability? These kids, they just, bounce back like a dog.

Every time you, everything's a nightmare and then one tube of Smarties later and it's back in the room and I'm not like that I have kind of longer term dips and troughs that go over months years have you tried smarties I haven't tried them I also I slightly alarm myself I'm saying dips and troughs and I think that slightly tells you where I am if I'm thinking of like this a series of dips and trot. That's never a peak. Never a peak. Just like, oh this troughs are a bit shallower than it was yesterday, that's nice. What's it set up there, Alan? We're at home with Katie and I with a 10 and 8 and a 4 year old and the 10 and 8 year old I bought them little laptops and so the temptation my eight year olds discovered was was was was was was was was was was was was was their them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them their their their and so the temptation my eight year olds discovered how to draw videos on YouTube yeah they he's obsessed with drawing us I was gonna say the helmet the helmets of Star Wars characters but I stopped myself because it sounded

sounded like some lights going off operation you tree if I'd say that I mean of course the protective face wear of Star Wars characters and so he's been doing a lot of that and we're try to get him back onto his virtual classroom. But they're all right. They're not too bad. Thank God we've got a garden and it's and we can go out and we're kind we feel actually that we've got off very very lightly in this pandemic. Yeah. So what's your schedule for the day we've getting, the the the the the the the the the the the th g c c c. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. to to to th. to th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. tou. t. te. to. te. te. to. t. t. t. t. t., very lightly in this pandemic. Yeah. So what's your schedule for the day with getting up in the morning? Well, the four-year-old, he clocks on about 605, and he doesn't care how late I've been up drinking wine and watching the last dance. He thinks I've got very important work to do around the hungry hippo's board or...

I can't imagine you're a morning personally. That's just no choice. Clockwork, they are like clockwork and then the other two where how grumpy they are when they come down about doing any schoolwork in the morning is dictate so the morning's going to go, then after lunch it all falls apart. It's all over. Gene Fines with the four-year-old. No matter how late you put them to bed they will still get up at five up at five up at five up at five up at 5 up at 5 up at 5 5. their their their. their. their. their. their. their. If. If. If. their. If. their. their. their their to to to to to to to to to their their their to to to to to to to to. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the four-year-old, no matter how late you put them to bed, they will still get up at five past six. There's no change of the waking up. I do know some people who had kids and they say, oh no, we keep them with our time table, we didn't want to give up things, so you know, they go to bed about 11, 12. None of ours could last 11. seven. Yeah, ten year old now is getting a bit twitchy about having to go to bed the same time as a four year old but she doesn't know any different. I

would think I was watching Star Ski and Nutsch when I was 10 but I haven't told her. I remember I remember this I watched the day before my first day in year seven so I would have been 11 is it 11 you watched the pilot of the Soprano I worked for H. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the th 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 I th I th I th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was to to to to to to to to to to to to to th I was to th I was th I was to th I was th I was th I was th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th I was th th th th. I was th. I was the thi the the the the the the thi thi the thi the thi thi thi thi thi th. I was th pilot of the Sopranos. Wow, were you one of the people that gave them a series? Is that who you're only for a commissioner? I worked for HBO when I was 11. It's now Neil since then. But that, would you let a 10 year old watch? What's a 10 year old? Well, it's tricky because a 10 year old is she's scared of almost all films and in fact all, any kind to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to the to the the their. I was a to to to their. I was a their. I was a their. I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.... I, I, I.. I, I, I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I. I. I, I was, I. I was, I was a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theatrical experience. And I put it down to, I went to the Shore Theatre when she was under three for a pantomime

and it was Jack and the Beanstalk and the lights went down and I'm sure you know the Shore Theater, when it goes black in there, it's pitch. So she's already frightened about the dark. And then over the PA, this voice went, Fee-fi, foe, fu, and about 50 kids burst in the tears. All her under me were kids screaming and crying. And then the lights came up and some girl they knew she was from East Enders or something come out.

Hello boys and girls. And they, we had to leave. She was already. Why would you do Fife, the thoom in, in the dark, in, in, in, the dark, th. th. th. th. the th. th. the thi. the their, their, their, their, their, their, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, where, why, where, where, where, where, all. toe, where, where, where, where, where, where, all. to. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All, all, all, all, all, all. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All, all, all, all. All. All. All. All. All. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. tofee. too, all. the too, all, all, all. too, all, why, all, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, all. the too, all. too, all. the tod. the the it started, get the girl out with a couple of dances, then do the beans, then do the bean stall, then he comes in later when they're feeling secure. And that traumatized that kid. And then I took her to the cinema to see something, some animated, and it was so deafening in the trailers, she was in tears and I had to go and get a refund. So she cannot cannot to go to go and she to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was to go and I was going to go and I was going to go and I was going to go and to go and to go and to go and to go and the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to go and to go and too. too. too too too too too too too too too too too too too the the won't even watch Toy Story 4. And a 4 year old game, it's really good. And she won't even look at it. But when can I watch Avengers end game? And I'm saying I think it's a little bit, I don't know. All my mates have seen it. I want to see it before it's out of gate. There'll be another one along in a minute. I don't know. It's quite violent. There's those a death. It's a th. th. th. th. th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. th. th. It's a th. th. It's a th. th. It's a th. th. th. It's a thi. th. th. th. It's a the their their thin. It's a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. I. It's a th. I. It's a th. I's a th. I's a th. I's a toy. I's a toy. toy. toy. I's toy. I's a together. I's a th. I's a the. I'll the jokes, it goes on forever. Let's stick with the PG for a while.

Just go to the engine of a fringe if you want that. Come and watch me and your mom after you've gone to bed, having a disagreement. If you want the end game. The Infinity War. What's the, how do you split up the responsibilities then with the kids in the house at the moment? Because you, are you still working or are you doing stuff? I'm doing the Tuesday club, my Arsenal podcast, which is about the only thing I've got going and I'm trying to write a book, but really everything's closed for me and I'm sure it's, you know

what it's like because without a live audience, we're in trouble, aren't we? I've written a memoir which comes out in September, and I'm trying to follow it up with a novel, but it's really difficult to get anything much done. Yeah, it's difficult to say you're going to go and do eight hours of novel writing, isn't it, when there's three kids under the same roof, I think? Eight minutes to be an achievement. were kind of halving it, you know, and it's absolutely not the case. She's basically running the whole shit and best I can do is put a wash on last thing at night and hang it up. That is really my contribution. I did hoover the bedroom and then I look back and thou. I thought, well, I'll hoo the bedroom and realize that that is all I've done in nine weeks. So I should be ashamed to show to myself and I am. With the kids we kind of mix it up. Basically, one of you has to stay with

the kids until you're about to lose it and then hand over it. It's not like tab wrestling. Yes. That's true. I run away from them the other morning. They kept just jumping on me and I didn't know what to do and I was getting so angry. I just run upstairs and jumped, who was having a lion and got under the covers and hid I went I can't deal with it and they chased me upstairs. Oh that's one thing about kids, they will always find you. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where they're all hiding from the velociraptors and the velociraptors are inches away and they can't find them. If you combined a velociraptor with a four-year-old, there be no humans left. Do they look after each other at all? Like, do they get on? And is it helpful having three to look after each other or they've three different problems

in themselves? It is helpful having the three. It's, I wasn't keen on the third one until he arrived. I thought it was a bad idea. I thought it was going to put a lot of strain on everybody, all concerned. And it's thi's a joy really, although he's also a menace because he's got to sort of up his game to play with his eight-year-old brother, which he does all the time. And up in his game involves wielding a bamboo cane, the terrifying kind of impersonation of Darth Moore. And we do have to sort of come between them to stop them hurting one another, partly because we live near the the the the their their their their to their to to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to be the, too, to be to be to be to be to be to bea, tooomomomomomomomomomorrow, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, is tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, to sort of come between them to stop them hurting one another, partly because we live near to the Royal Free Hospital where they, the first, it seems like a life time ago,

the first COVID-19 case in the country and we'd seem like a sort of, oh, it's a novelty, we've got one, I can know, and then for a while no one wanted to go near the Royal Free hospital or any hospital and to to the extent extent the extent the extent the extent the extent to the extent to to the extent to the extent to the extent the extent the extent to the extent the extent to to the extent, the extent, to the extent, to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be some, the to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their, their their their their their their their the their the the the their thooooomoomoomorrow, their their their their thoooooomoomorrow, to to their to their their their thereating themselves for heart failure. So we're trying not to, you know, please don't break your leg. I've said that a few times. Yeah, the last place we want to go is the royal free. I mean, we say things like that. And do you do a lot of the home schooling that, Alinor, as your wife do it? Do they do it do it down to to their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, to, their, their, to. to, to, to, to, to, to, their. their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their....... their. their. their. their. too, too, too, tooes.a.a.a.a.a. tooes.a.a. their. their. their. their. their. does that work? You have to... They send them lessons that they can click on and it works quite well. The kids preferred it when things didn't load or if we printed them off

and they were the wrong size for the page. They loved it when it all went wrong. But then it sort of sorted itself out now and starting to think that like a lot of the to go out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out. the the the the the the the the the to sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort. to to think that like a lot of work people, how much do they actually have to go to school? They seem to be out to do most of the learning here if they could just go to school for playtime and lunchtime. My mastery of the Times tables has come in handy because Katie cannot do that. Cannot. I'm in charge of maths. I'm having my ninth cup of coffee of the day. Honestly? So tired. I am so exhausted with it. My mate the other day, we did the Shusley Club

podcast and my mate Ty was started talking about Cold War Steve. I don't know if you know what that is, but he's a montage artist, a collage artist, right? And I didn't know, I didn't know he was. Because he's at home on his own, and he's taken up collage making. Because that's so much time he's got these games. And there's a kind of twin lockdown going on, with people like that. It's, because the collage is on the brink. I'm barely washing. I barely have to go on for a shower.

I get up and put an exercise clothes, don't exercise, and they just go bed. The other day, on Saturday, I had a shower at 448 in the afternoon. No one has a show at 448. That's when final scores on. Sometimes the day seems so long they'll be sitting there having tea and I'll have some vague recollection of breakfast and think of it as a fortnight ago. But it was, was it this morning? I tried to cook those mac corn they were off. Yeah, that was this morning. Alan, it's, it's 10 to 2 and you're on your ninth coffee.

Will there be more? Yeah, would be your one tip? And he said, get one of those cups that keeps your hot drinks warm, because you'll always be leaving hot drinks around the house. So now I have like a thermosy style cup. Good tip. Also with the lid on, they are less likely to pour it on their own face. Oh yeah, obviously I didn't want to main to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make my my my my my my my my to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to to to to to to their to to their their to to keep their hot to their hot drinks. their to keep to keep to keep their to keep to keep to keep to keep to keep to keep to keep to keep to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their. Well the hot drink is a great way of not having to look after your kids when they're really little because if they go back to do something it pulls something you go, I've got a tea quick, quick quick and then you sort of tea and then you sort of quick and then they're a glass of wine. That's very true. Yeah, my mind. My. My. My. My. My. My hot. My hot. My hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. th. th. th. the th. their. their. their. they're. they're. Hot drink. Yeah. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll go. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. the. the. the. th. th. the. th. th. the. they're. they're. they're. I-law does a glass of wine, I've got a glass of wine. I might start saying it in that tone, but just go, I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I hate it. I hate it. Our electrics went out the front.

We had said there for this electrician round. And I was so was so tired and bored of people talking at me. He's not trying to tell me and I won't be listening and Lou went, you're not listening and in front of the electrician I went to her, I just don't care about it Lou. I don't care about the electric. I don't just happily sit in darkness if I got left alone. How's food going, you cooking, you're cooking, the, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, a lot of meals to be done that. Do all the kids eat the same stuff and same stuff as you? Yeah, they're pretty good.

They're pretty good. The eight-year-old was quite resistant, but they all crack in the end. You think when they're literally think, really? They're just going to eat rice crisps for the rest of their lives. They're never going to have to to to to to have to to have to to to have to have to have to have to have to their their their. their. I to have their. I their. I. I their. I. I their. I. I's their. I's their. I's their their. thethey tend to focus on one food group per meal, so they'll have all carbs, one meal, then all protein, the next meal. And then later on, when they get to about seven or eight, they start growing and they're so hungry. Right. My eight-year-old now is having broccoli with soy sauce poured on it. That's a good step in the right direction. It's prodigiously-aauihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihi. that's a good good good good good good good that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's that's a good that's a good. that's that's that's that's that that that that that. that that. that that. that that. that that. that. that. that that. that. that. that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good. that's a good that's a good that's a good that's a good that's a good that's a good that's a good. that's a good step in the right direction. It's prodigiously hungry. The idea of giving him that three years ago is ridiculous, but he's, they do eventually,

all of these things with kids, that you think, oh should they be doing that, should they do? They do in the end. You know, people are not walking yet. I think it'll walk. I don't think, I don't know many adults. . he'll just do it. Yes and he will talk and probably right. We've had the same people saying that about potty training and things like that because we're both potty training. Ad did you have any trouble with the potty training? No, not really. Well, the first one is a whole new thing for all of us.

She suffered a great deal at her hands, trying to get her to do things that she didn't she she she didn't she didn't she didn't she didnthat she didn't want to do, particularly trying to get her to go to sleep, which he wasn't up for it. And of course, once you get into a routine of trying to get them to and they're resisting it, then that kind, that becomes a pattern in itself. Yeah. That process becomes an obstacle, the obstacle in itself. So you do youtalk to him about it, because he said, can you still, do you think, instead of just filling the napy up, really, as if he'd had an absolute skimful of cider the night before, like he's coming down about six pounds swinging between his point. Why don't you get up in So I don't know when that'll end. He stopped coming and getting in the bed just. The other two went to age about five and then he's just stopped. But he will come in and bang on the mattress and say, come on, I want to go downstairs. And are you doing

the mornings Alan? I generally do. Yeah. Because I'm normally awake in general. I'm normally awake in the morning. I'm normally have a dream that's a the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to. Yeah. to. to. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age age age. to age age age age age age age age age age age age. to age age age. I to age age. I to age. I to age. I. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age. to age. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. the the the the to. the to. to. the than I think than Katie does and I'm normally awake early anyway, but once I've woken up, I've had, I normally have had a dream that's some sort of weird blend of unorthodox, the Tiger King, the last time, the last year's locked in. It was a long time ago, we were watching the Tiger King. I think it was. If someonethat last year's locked in? That was a 2008 recession, would it? Yeah, I think it was. If someone made a joke about the Tiger King now, you'd be like, come on, mate. It feels a bit cliche. Oh, come on, let's another Carol Batsy,

Alan, if you had a day to yourself, and Kate and the kids were out and you could just do whatever you wanted for the whole day indoors. What would your day look like? Oh, my concern would be how can I slow time? I would love to sit and watch TV, but what I would really, obviously you know what I'm like, what I'd like to do is to turn on the TV and there's a really good Premier League going on. Yeah. I don't know what I would do to do myself, what can you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho their tho their tho their their that that that that that that that that that that that that that their that that thateateate tho their their tho tho tho tho tho tho tho their their their their their tho their tho tho tho tho tho tho th th th tho tho th th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that. tho tho thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. te. tha trying to kind of get the hit? I tried to watch a Bundesliga. I'm going to give myself a Bundesliga team. And I chose Cologne because I went to Cologne last year with Arsenal and it's a lovely city, I had a lovely time and I turned on, watched Cologne and they went two-nillu up early. I thoo. I took thoen on watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch watch to watch watch to watch to watch their to watch to watch to watch their to watch their to watch coon to watch coon their their to watch coon their their to watch colon on watch colonnenene. their their their their to to their their their their their their their their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho tho tho tho tune tune tune tune. tune. tune. together. together. tie. together. together. together. together. toolo together. together. together. together. together. I go go go go. I together. I t blew a two-gold lead and drew, and I had the same feelings of anger and frustration I have with my own team, so well, this is a mistake. If you're looking for a Bundesliga team, just support Bayern Munich,

don't do it for yourself. I think you allowed to glory hunt if this is all we've got. It means nothing. You can totally glory hunted. kids got into football. I would absolutely love that if my daughter got into football. Yeah, I am. I mean, how it all lasts? I don't know. They're at an age now when they do what they think daddy likes, you know, but later on they might turn on me. But it gives me more pleasure to be honest when they play sport than when they watch it. It gives me more pleasure than my little, you know, they've got a football team th. their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th. their, their, their, th. their, th. th. th. that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th... th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the. theat, theat, th. th. thea. th. thea. thea. thea. thea. their, their, their, the. that my little, you know, they've got a football team that trains out the back of us and they've got, they started a girls team last year and there's about 50 girls go over there now, whereas my daughter initially that were girls joined in with the boys but the boys are frankly seven, eight, nine year old boys are just sexist. They've got such a low opinion of girls and it manifests itself in physical violence. It's like a 70s comedy club. It's really odd girl. So they

don't pass to them they knock him over first chance they get. God. That's just suppressed inability to talk to them, that's what that is. How are you at sports stage? Do you get passionate about them winning or like when you watch them, do you find yourself getting like too exciting you have to calm yourself down? Because you don't want to be that parent? Or are you quite chilled? When I only feel excited about them when my daughter'd won a race and then she turned and ran the length of the track with her arms spread out wide market premier league centre forward to celebrate with and the and I managed to get a picture of that because I was on

the track with all the parents at the finish line and the joy on her face was really something to see. I think the idea that you should do away with the competitive sport I think.. th. th. It the the th. the th. It the th. It their. It gives their. It gives their. It gives their. It gives their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their tree, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the idea that you should do away with competitive sport I think has seen its day. But it gives him such pleasure, but I wouldn't, you know, I'm not going to be a pushy parent because to the point where they start, they start hating sport, you know, like a kind of Andre Agassiz's dad. Yeah. I'd end up it? But rather they were outdoors and looking at the screen, yeah. What is your screen time? They're on their iPads a lot, they're watching a lot of cartoons and TV and stuff? We're pretty, we've tried to ration it because partly because not, because we've got any, you know, sense of what's right and wrong or good, who knows?

But I think it's definitely true that if they they they they's they're, if they're on, if they're on, if they're on, if they're on, they're on, they're on, they're on they're on they're on. they're on they're on they're on they're on their, their, their, their their their, their, their their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, and on their, they become really antsy and narcy and they get, their body temperature goes up, the eyelids start droop in and then they're kind of unmanageable for an hour and you think, oh that's, this is some combination of tiny brain and all this racket and noise. And they're absorbing a lot of American stuff and it is just a lot of fast-moving imagery and a lot of noise. And even some of your favorite British cartoons have gone a bit crazy. You know, that postman, Pat went mad, didn't he got a helicopter. He got a helicopter. And it used to be all about, oh, he's got a helicopter. Oh, he's got a helicopter. Oh, he's got a birthday car to deliver's just doing special deliveries in a helicopter? Sorry, I know this isn't the point, but why is he got fucking helicopter?

Unless he's delivering a helicopter, there's no need for it. I mean the budget, the budget of the Royal Mail where he is. And with, same with firemen and Sam, they're just a remote community on the Welsh coast. They've got a chopper. They've got their own chopper. They've their their their their their their their their their their their their their own their own their own chopper. They're got their own chopper. They're got their own their own their own their own their own their own their own their own their own chopper. They're got their own their their their their their their they's they're got. They's they're got. They're got got. I's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their own c. Ic. I's tops. I's tape. I's got. I've got. I've got. I've got. I've got. I've got. I've got. I'm their their their their their their their own chopper just for the well-being of the eight kids at the primary school. So if my kids fall over in Amsterdam, if they're expecting an air rescue, that's what they think is that. I find as well, my daughters have started to speak with a slight American twang. They sound a bit like, you know when Scandinavians learn English by watching friends and that because they're watching so much Netflix. My daughter was like, I'm kind of hungry. I was like, what? You're kind, it just says weird twang because they never, growing up, we never watched any American cartoons. No, if you really, really, it's only the old, really. It's only the old, well, I don't know. I mean, I did watch a lot of Scooby-do and their thinks, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that just, that's, that's just, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's like, that's like, that's like, th. I's, th. I's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, kind, their, their, kind. their, kind. their, kind. th. their, their, their, their, their, that's really didn't. I didn't have a rising in flesh. Have you lost it at all with them over a lockdown? Is it something that's just

gnawed away at you that they did or were doing? Well I think in common with most of your guests, yes, daily. Anything in particular you thought that I shouldn't have got angry over that, that was... Well, we've got a brick wall in our garden and it's about six... the the their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thoes, thoes, thoes. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, the. Oh, thea. Oh, thea'. Oh, thoooo'er. Oh, thoo'er. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no've got a brick wall in our garden, and it's about six feet high, and when I saw the eight-year-old helping the four-year-old on top of it, that I did, I raised and voiced strong objections to that conduct. And then I'm foolishly, I shouted from an upstairs window, get down! And then a four-year-old was looking at, no, don't get down't down! Stay there! I'm gonna get a helicopter. Buying them a brick wall was a strange present for the garden.

No, I should say it's the boundary for the next property in the vision of the lawn. Yeah, just getting a ready for tough mother. Over the wall. Come on. Yeah, we've got some barbed wire that they call under as well. Got to get your head down. Get your head down. We had to get this medicine from and I can't remember what it was for. I can't know what it was like a weird, some sort of weird kid almond.

But I did squeeze this medicine in, cow polly sort of stuff that was a bit banana flavored. You know what he skis it in and the two-year-old took it and a four-year-old spad it out on purpose, right? Three times and on the third time I'd slap my fist on the table and went, no, like a courtroom drama. She's four, she doesn't get to shit. But I was get angry. The thing that's annoyed about that is you know, if the two-year-old had hated it, the four-year-old would neck the bottle down in one. 100% complete opposites.

We ended up with some of that banana penicillin for my daughter and we could only get it to drink it if we put it in some Coke Zero. I used to love that banana stuff when when stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff it now I think, God, I fancy some of that banana penicillin stuff. It was absolutely good. Got a bottle in the fridge. It's probably past its date, but. It would still do the trick. I still tell me that.

I still tell me that. I think that you will sort of think about in treasure and a point where you thought this can't go on. What comes to mind is it happened in the same moment, which was there's a tree near where we live, a fallen tree which my four-year-old loves and he's running towards this tree and really running, and the other two are up and I can't get them down down down down down down down them them them them them their their their their their their their their to get they to get their to get to get to get to get their to get to get their to get to get to get they they they to get to get to happen they're happened they're happened they they they they they happened they happened they happened they happened they happened they they they they they they they they're happened they they they they they they happened they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to get it it happened to get it happened to happen to happen to happen to happen to happen to happen, to happen to happen. to to happen to to happen. to to happen. to to to to happen to to to happen now it's on you. I've got to focus on the four year old and I had a mad Macphone out and I was doing it he looked so cute running away to his tree that I was I was video in him and I thought it's a lovely little memory there of him running off and there's no one about and then I didn't turn it off so then I'm walking along with with with with with with with with with with with with the the to to to to to to to the to to to to the to to to to the to to to the the to to't turn it off. So then I'm walking along with it and you can see my arm swinging and this is grass. And then you hear me turn to my eight-year-old and go, Bobby, don't do that, that will snap off like the other one.

So I've gone from the sort of the two emotions in a moment. So what I have got is what there was one of the two emotions in a moment but what I have got is what there was one of the best family videos that we've every time I show it to the kid. They wait and wait and wait for that moment. They find me telling them off. Not not at the time but in hindsight hilarious. The thing they find most hilarious is when I go into a room and I go stop sheltering. They've absolutely got my number. Oh bless. Oh brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Glad he are doing badly that's all we're looking

for really. That's always that's the main thing. You've really cheered me up. Yeah. I needed that pep talk. Yeah. Glad to be service.. Cheers Alan Davis, thank you very much. Thanks Alan Davis. There you go. Amazing. I love Alan Davis. One of my favorite comedians of all time, my favorite as a kid by far, I think he's, I think he's one of most underrated British comedians ever. Yeah, so funny. I think as well sometimes he's a bit more annoyed and angry, which he doesn't always show off on QI and stuff like that. No, you think of him as quite affable, don't you? You don't actually think of him as an angry man. Does that make you feel better about your future as a parent, Rob?

Yeah, because he obviously adores his kids. The way I was talking about his his four tho y y y y y scream in their face, stop shouting, which I have done before. Have you ever shouted, stop shouting before? It is a- I haven't stopped shouting. I normally just kind of passively aggressively leave. I'll kind of shut down and then just walk out. What I find is when there's a lot of kids in the house, even just with two. One of them would have an iPad on then the other, so there's two iPads on and then someone might need to tell you on, the kettle's boiling, Lou's trying to talk at me, the

two girls are shouting, and then you just end up screaming, just shut out. But what I've learned is, rather than shouting there, turn the tell you off, tell you slowly, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, the room, slowly, the room, the room, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the two two two is slowly, the, the, the, the the the the, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, makes. the room. makes. makes. the room. the room. the room. the twon, make. the room. the room. the room. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the true, soomorrow's the tworoomorrow quiet, the room goes quiet, that's what I find. Yeah, what I tend to do is, have you watched the last dance that Alan was talking about, the Michael Jordan document? Yes, brilliant. You know the bit where Scotty Pippin just refuses to go back on the pitch? Yes.

Yes, I'm just like, I'm not going back in. when you try and get them dressed and they run at you and they will just basically headbut your nose, full pell, and you can't be angry because it was an accident, the pain is like it's happened outside of Yates's, you've just got to go, yep, just been headbutted, on the nose, not a problem, fine, fine, fine. Before I had a kid I didn't realize being headbutt on the nose was part of it. Or knee in the bollocks. Knee in the bollocks happens a lot. Or just foot in the bollocks walking up you onto your bollocks. And you can't articulate, it's very difficult to explain to a two and a half year old girl. Yeah. Well, the other thing is I've noticedy like trade like night trainery ones are good. Yeah because you don't want to get Healy one of those ones with the one of the ones with the

wheels on. Here are Dr. Martin she might also just you know that save yourself a circumcision. That'll do it. That'll that'll jaff you right. that will jaff you right. That will. That will. That will. that. that that that that that that that that will. to th. to to to to to the to the to to the the the the the the the the the the to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tr. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tre. tre. true. I will will. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. I will will in a few days with another brilliant episode. Thank you very much. Cheers Rob. Cheers, bye.