Patriots Dynasty Podcast - Dabbin' with Cam: A Book Review

Episode Date: November 3, 2020

In a shocking turn of events, the Brown brothers prove they can read in our first ever Book Club episode! Join us as we delve into the erotic novel "Dabbin With Cam."Mom, you probably shouldn't listen to this one. Greg is very naughty in this episode.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/patriots-dynasty-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Christine Brown, and while I have to listen to this podcast as my motherly duty, you have the choice not to. My sons sometimes say some naughty things when they're trying to be funny, but really, they're just being stupid. You still want to listen? Go right ahead. I am not your mother. Back to the Page's Dynasty podcast. This is a special off-season episode, I guess we'll call it. Book Club episode. Yeah. So for all the all you numpties that kept telling us we couldn't read, we're here to prove you wrong, except maybe Steven will find out. My guess for this is that Steven, for these types of podcasts,

is going to be like Greg, where he didn't read the book, he just shows up. That's exactly it. I read the back of it. You looked at the pictures and that was enough. It's like Greg watching Highlights. But yeah, so this is Book Club week, and since Greg, I think this was mainly driven by you. So do you want to do the honors of introducing us to what we're going to be reviewing today? Sure. Yeah, so we stumbled across this, one of the previous podcasts but essentially it started with a gronking to remember, right? Correct. And then we're like, well, let's see if there's any other ones out there. And we came across

an erotic romance novel titled Dabbin with Cam by Caroline Blue. Now, I don't know if we want to call it a novel. Do we want to call it a novel? I was going to say novella. Because me and Steve bought the Kindle version and doesn't really give you page numbers. But you actually bought the physical copy. How much was that, first of all? Because it was $2.99 on Kindle. If anybody else wants to read along with us, you can pause it right now and go on Amazon and it's $2.99. Dabbin with Cam. But how much was the actual physical book? I think it was $9. All right, $9 well spent. Yes. How many pages did you get for $9?

Well, it doesn't have page numbers. There's no chapters. There's no page. That's why I'm hesitant to call it a novel because it's more like just a long essay. I would say it's like a printed out blog. Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, it's like, well, I want to take to read it, guys. It was like half an hour tops. Yeah. Well, longer for Steve. But yeah, I'd say about that. I do have one criticism. No pictures in it. Yeah. Except for the cover, yeah. Which I think we need to describe the cover, Andy. Yeah, this is an audio medium. We understand that. But the cover is, I was actually just looking it up because on the first inside cover page, I think is probably what it is. It says all images are fully licensed from 123RF.com. And that's

definitely where they got these images for the cover because that is the stock photo website. But it is a stock photo of a Black man, a handsome looking Black man, not Cam Newton. Not Cam Newton. Oh, just like it doesn't. That's probably racist, even. And there is another attractive kind of normal looking white woman with her head on this Black man shoulder with her arms draped around him. And then it kind of fades down below into that into a football field with another stock photo of a Black man in a Black uniform, Black helmet with a white number one on it, who looks like he's throwing a football incorrectly. They don't know how you would throw a football grabbing it like that almost like from the end of

it. Like a lefty throwing a football right handed. Yeah. And then it feels like this was made with Photoshop elements, like the cheap version of Photoshop that you can get, like the online version. And you just kind of like took a couple of pictures of the normal people and like threw together. Oh, this has this is a romance between these two people. So we'll put those in there. It has football. So we'll put that in there. And then we'll put the text over it, which is just like like a stock text as well. Font, if you will. So MS, Microsoft Paint. Yeah, yeah, that would work. You can you can make this in Microsoft Paint. Yeah. And then the back, like the description is just like eight or nine different puns about

football and sex. So like football is a game of inches, but not in Cam's case. After a false start, it's first and long. Or will he drop back and hit the tight end? Like just the just the worst puns. That's the entire back. No, there's no synopsis really. I mean, I guess you could make the argument that it's kind of a synopsis, but every single sentence is a pun. But I thought that was most of the book right there. Which I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, they're getting, they're going directly to their target audience, right? As people buying this to just laugh. But us. So you think the book has seen a spike in sales since Cam got traded? Or some of the paths? No, but I think it's about to.

Well, it did because the three of us bought it. It's about to in Slovenia. In Slovakia, Steve, those next, right? Oh, yeah. Albania. Look out, Montenegro. We're big in Eastern Europe. The Ukraine's going to go hot for this. That's right. So. I looked at this was in 2016. So this is. But Caroline Blue isn't her real name. So that's the one thing I want to talk about, too. I looked up the author who was Caroline Blue, which I don't think. Well, you want to pause for a second, Andy? Your audio just, your audio just changed. Yeah. It's like cutting it out a little bit.

Fuck. It just got quieter. Like you stopped using your mic or something. Yeah. And like earlier, it was getting, but, you know, good, good, good, good. This is fun. Is it better now? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it sounds fine now. All right. Fuck. This has been my day today. I can also hear your size very loudly. I don't know if you just sigh into the mic, but it's like, I'm actually putting my mic further away. At least he's not doing this the entire fucking time thing. Like you, Steve, huh? Good one jerking off my typical. I was told to talk into the microphone. So I'm talking into the microphone. All right. What are we talking about?

Oh, the author, Caroline Blue. So yes. So I looked up Caroline Blue. Because it felt a little shady to me that the author was Caroline Blue. But if you paid attention carefully enough, which was hard to do, I understand reading this. But the main character in this was also named Caroline Blue. So either she wrote this book about herself. Yeah. So fucked up, Andy. Fuck me. All right. Give me a second. I'm going to go inside. Can you hear us when we say something? You sound like you have a delayed response too. I have no idea then. Hang on. I'm going inside. Okay. Whose dog is that, Steve? Scott. He's in Acadia. In the what? He's in Acadia National Park. Oh, cool.

He goes every Columbus day. I think I'm going to go next year. It's pretty cool. Some leaf peeping. Yeah, he goes with his parents and he goes hiking. They stay like a B&B and hike for like 10 days. An Airbnb? No, like a bed and breakfast. Like a legit B&B. In Bahaba. It sounds like forever. Do you hear your buddies coming down here possibly? Oh, yeah. I meant to text him. He texted me. Yeah, I gave him your number. It's supposed to get married that weekend. Oh, yeah. So like his fiance wants to get out of the, you know, do something. So they're just sitting around. Yeah, you should come down too. October 24th. Are you going to come and play golf? When? I don't know. I'm playing, well, I guess Monday,

but it's supposed to rain. And Saturday morning. And then me and Steve were talking about, he's trying to get us on Army Navy Country Club. Oh, no, that would be cool. Oh, yeah. So he gets Fridays off. So I was going to take, I was going to take every Friday off in December anyway, so I can flip one of those around. Yeah. I mean, I'm down. I just have to, I'd need to know a little bit in advance, just so I could plan out work and stuff like that. Yeah. Maybe, maybe if we stick a date on it the weekend after he's there, right up here on that Friday, take it off. I fixed my swing. It's better. It's like, it's a jet fix, Steve. I went to the, I went to the driving range for like four

straight days at lunchtime until I figured it out. Cause I was like, I'm so sick of sucking a golf that I need to figure it out. I just like, I had been playing a lot this summer and I'm not, I wasn't getting any better. Like I was, I was just playing to like my shitty swing, you know? So, rather than try and tinker on the golf course, like I was like, I need to just go to the driver and fix it. Alrighty, let's do it. Are we ready to roll? Is this better? And we're back in three, two, one. Welcome back, Andy. Andy has moved from the car to his living room. I'm surprised. My wife lets you in the house. I'm sitting on the bed. So this is, ooh, it's a very, I mean, it feels appropriate. This feels appropriate for this episode. Okay.

We should, we should be in bed slowly on zips. Oh, there's nothing slow about it. I've already taken my pants off. So, yeah. So if you see this happening on the screen, you'll know why. Because my computer is on. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It won't go that high because I'm not that endowed. Yeah, you have a tiny boner. We got it. Yeah. Micro penis. So, yes, I was looking up the author here because it was a little sketchy that the author Caroline Blue is also, if you were paying close attention, the main character in the story, Caroline Blue. Yeah. Is this a true story? I had written down that it was a true story. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's like a, it's like a Quentin Tarantino where it's like, it's based on a true story,

but with just like an alternate ending, you know? Oh, yeah. Like he kills the Nazis in the end, where that's not what happened, but it's all based around factual things. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Where do you think it veers off? I would say when the Panthers win the Super Bowl. Probably. I didn't know it was a Super Bowl, first of all, because they didn't even mention it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they call it the big game. Probably because you'll get in trouble and you get sued if you call it a Super Bowl. Because if you think about all the commercials around the Super Bowl, they never call it the Super Bowl. They always ask if you're ready for the big game. You know? We have to do that at work as well. Which is so stupid, you know? It is. Yeah. So I

looked up Caroline Blue and there is no record of an author named Caroline Blue. There is only a melodic hard rock band based out of Syracuse, New York, whose originals have been described as being similar in style to Kiss with a touch of Dawkin, Megadeth, and Typo negative. No. It sounds like, yeah, it sounds like my high school metal band, Liquid Fetus, had similar. Are they the owners of the Panthers? Just like Kiss is the owners of the XFL theme? I don't know, but they might be related to this book with their song Slave to the Hourglass and mine, mine, mine. Oh boy. So do you want to, let's explain the plot, though, first, so people have an idea of what's going on here. So our protagonist is Caroline Blue, who's like a

junior financial analyst living and accounting, living and working in Charlotte, North Carolina. She, as too many romantic movies, novel startups, she's like the overworked, I don't have time for love type of gal, you know? Right. Yeah. I need to focus on my career. I'm so exhausted. I can't even think about dating, you know? All my friends are marketing or went into marketing and they all get to go out and have drinks and travel and stuff. Well, I'm sitting here working 70 hours a week, making sure my boss doesn't fire me for losing pennies or something. Yeah. So it starts out with her. She gets called into her boss's office and they're like, congratulations, you've won. And she's like, I don't even know what I won. But little does she

know her best friend Emily has entered her into a contest for VIP package to go to the Super Bowl or the big game as they're calling it in Santa Clara, California. So congrats, Caroline. She didn't even remember. Yeah, she wouldn't have even signed up for herself and she tries to get out of it too. Yeah, she doesn't want to go. She tries to use her dog as an excuse. Yeah. That's low. Classic chick move there. Yeah. I don't have anything to wear. Well, actually, before we go any further, can we make a promise amongst the three of us that we're not going to slut shame this time? All right. Oh, of course. Yeah. Okay. We're very. We're not that kind of pockets. Yeah. We're body positive. We're very European in that way in that we are, you know, British. Yeah, you do what you

want to do with your body. No, he said European. Hey, what was it? Oh, the I love the part about the dog, though, because the author went into excruciating detail about how where is it? Yeah, for a book, they use that lightly, light on detail. Yeah, they talk a lot about the naming convention of this dog. Exactly. So the dog was named, I mean, I don't know if it's Lewis or Louie. Yeah, it could go either way. And you can't tell just because they're both written the same. The Louis the adorable basset hound, I chose Lewis quote, I chose Lewis for the countless nights Lewis CK had cheered me up over the years. And the fact that I've been eyeing a certain Louis Vuitton handbag for years, I regretted the Vuitton part of his name. But to the CK part,

I was still firmly committed. So this was obviously written pre him jerk off. Maybe or maybe why she didn't regret it. Maybe. Yeah, I think it was apt. I just looked it up. And the New York Times article where you got accused was from November 2017. So I think this is just a very poorly timed answer from the book, which is which I think makes it even better. There'll be more of those coming up. Yes, yes, there is a few of those. Yeah. So her friend Emily convinces her to go and her and her friend is like, oh, Cam Newton, you got to see this hunk of man meet, right? She's like, God, what if you were like, she calls him a beautiful piece of amazing man, which why why we here we go. I mean, I get it.

Yeah, I've seen his workout videos. Yeah, yeah, a nice smile. Yeah, she sees girth. We're talking about his hairstyle. It just went into that. Look at his dick. All right. So she gets on the plane and she's whisked away to sunny California. And she's like, you know what? Yeah, with all the big wigs, all the executives from her from her office. And she's like, you know what I could get used to this, you know, she's striking champagne on the plane. We got her like set up in a nice hotel room. She's like, you know, this ain't so half bad. So where do we go from there? Right? Well, yeah. Well, before we get to that, there was also sprinkled in there the story about her brother and father

and how they were huge football fans. And to point out how big of football fans they were was this paragraph is the right sentence for three sentences. But it was quote, my brother would do five jumping jacks every time the Panthers, quote, entered the red zone. My dad would raise his hands in the air like he was saying, I surrender before each field goal and extra point kick saying they were were obsessed was an understatement that the field goal thing makes tons of sense. Yeah, that doesn't feel like obsession to me. Also, who does jumping jacks in 2020? You know, as somebody in relation to football, I've never heard that before. Or just, I've never seen. Like, let's call it football like cheerleader style. I did get the feeling that

this was written by someone who wasn't. It feels like it's someone from a different country wrote about football that doesn't quite understand. They've looked up what football is, but they can't quite figure out like the, yeah, how to sound normal talking about it. You know, they've only read about it. They've never seen it on TV. Yeah, exactly. They've read about it in the textbook. She exactly because she gets the she described her posture as like a turtle and then drops a line about how turtles survive the ice age, which I Googled it is true. She's like nuggets of knowledge like that. But that is like, yeah, those guys are crazy about football. They do jumping jacks when they enter the red zone.

So she gets to she gets to California and then it's finally the she's having a great time, you know, rubbing elbows with all these big, big wigs. And then it's finally the day of the game. So she gets, she gets her, her Panthers jersey on her signed Kim Newton Panthers jersey on her friend Emily, Emily is a big fan. Yeah. So she and then she goes up to the booth, the box, the box seats, right? So they're all whining and dining, you know, having a good time. But there's this, there's a somber mood up there because the Panthers are not winning. Uh oh, that's going to ruin the day for all these millionaires. They were, uh, oh, by the way, I didn't catch us until I read it in

one of the reviews, but, uh, at halftime, the Panthers were down 15 points when the score was 17 to three. Yes. Yeah. Which was the biggest would be the biggest comeback in history. Yes, would require the biggest comeback in the history of the game. Again, 10 points was the previous record. Poorly times. Also, I don't want to, I don't want to call Carolyn out for her like, uh, grammatical mistakes in here, but just get an editor. Good. So no, here's the thing. I, I was thinking that too, when we're like, when I was reading this before we're going to record it, I was going back and forth on whether I would or wouldn't. And I think we should because it doesn't feel like she doesn't know better. It feels like this was just

a half-assed job. Like you're just throwing something together. Like this is something I would have written in the ninth hour when I had like a, a paper due for English class. Exactly. I don't really get like, she uses the word, ah, what was it, uh, steel as if like the spelling doesn't matter. Like you can use the different words interchangeably. That's not how English works. Like you can't, let's not shame her. Let's not shame her, Andy. Well, I think Greg might have said maybe she, she gets it right sometimes. And then she like, like she, she'll talk about a steel tub multiple times. She'll spell it differently both times. Like that's, that's not, not knowing. That's just not giving a shit. Well, I mean, she didn't, she needs to get an editor is what she

needs. She needs someone to proofread this shit. Cause no one proofread that that goes without a doubt. Like, yeah, I've written on the blog where I'll read it myself after I wrote it, but like when you're reading it and you wrote it, you have a tendency to like miss like extra words or like, especially when you went back and changed your sentence. But, but a third party reading it should look at that and be like, well, here's one, here's a mistake here. If I found like 15 to 20 of them minimal, that means that someone else would have found at least like 10 of them, you know? Oh yeah. Maybe they did. Maybe that was edited, which is, this, this reads like a first draft, but we're not going to shame her for it because I know it's difficult. Okay.

We paid money for this though. So I feel like we can $9 to this. It's, it's not free. Like, like if you're a blog post, if I came across your blog post and there was like a smelly air, I'd be like, well, I got this for free. No biggie. We collectively paid 15 bucks towards this lady. Maybe she can now afford an editor. Wait, I had some redemption for, can you state what you said before about the 15 points? That's incorrect. She said the Panthers needed 15 to win 14 to send the game into overtime. So she was actually correct on amazon.com can eat shit. Okay. Because he got it wrong. That's true. Yes.

All right. So she's at the game. Yeah. It's enough like actual like author critique here. Let's get back to the story. So she's at the game and she's slugging down the champagne just getting a little spicy, you know, not in herself a day, but then her damned bladder, right? She goes to the bathroom. Can I kind of read the quote? Can I read the quote? Sure. My tiny bladder reminding me it can only do so much and half time seem like the perfect time to take care of that and also get a bit of fresh air. Oh, very nice. But for some reason, the land of me, the bathroom, the length of the bathroom is longer in the box seats than it is in the regular seats, which I have time. I've never been in a box seat, but I would imagine their shorter lines. I've been in a box at UNH.

I was in a box seat and it had its own bar. It had its own TV and there was no line for the bathroom. Yeah, I was in a box seat in the cap stadium and there was a bathroom in the box. They have a guy there that shakes it for you. So she goes down to the bathroom. She takes a piss and then like second half's about to start. She's like, uh-oh. Disaster strikes. Pull yourself together, Carolyn, is the quote. So she splashes some water in her face. She heads back up to the elevator and she has forgotten her purse in the booth. She has everything. Her ticket. Yep. Probably her keys and wallet. Yep. So the man at the elevator, the security guy is like,

sorry, ma'am, I can't let you go back up there. And there was some weird part about her trying to like explain it. She's like, I'm not that drunk. And she was pointing at Skyward and then she's like pointing back down at the guy and that made her fall over. As well as I'm not that drunk and you try to do some sort of like emphatic movement and that knocks you over like Charlie Chaplin sort of. So she's a comedy, Greg. Yeah, she tumbles face first down the steps of the lower level. So I think that part was just to get her close to the field. Exactly. Fuck your shit up too. If you just fucking face first it on those concrete steps.

Oh yeah. I've seen the aftermath of that. Yeah. And all the fans are laughing at her and they're like, security, come get your stuff. Also, I'm curious if you guys thought the same thing. What opponent did you think the Panthers were playing? For the Panthers. But then I didn't realize, after she's like, it's the biggest comeback in the big game history. I was like, oh yeah. How the fuck can you say that earlier? They didn't explain that very well. So, well, yes. That'd be Denver though, right? That's what they believe. So yeah, so this is the thing. It was the crowd. Oh, Jesus. Here's your editing. I'm reading verbatim now. The crowd, the area erupted in laughter. Quote, it's been that kind of day for the Panthers,

I mean, in the opposing teams jersey said. At least their fans are getting some form of entertainment. His friend in orange said. There you go. I think the Broncos make the most sense. Yeah. I mean, this is when that Super Bowl was and it was in Santa Clara. All right. So yeah. Super Bowl 50 was in California. Yeah. Perfect. Yes. So she falls down her pants are unzipped. Forgot about that part. Yeah. Forgot to zip her pants. Fuckin idiot. He's adding to the second pension. Who does that? Never catch me do that. And someone yelled to the security guard or the security guard yelled to the other one, Cuffer Max. And just as she's about to get handcuffed and dragged up to jail, Cam Newton

in getting sacked just launches a ball into the crowd. And what does she do, Andy? She channels her, her father, who, because she's the eldest and it took them so long to get pregnant with her, what thought that this was his only chance of having a son to share sports with. So he used to throw footballs and other balls at her in the backyard and taught her how to catch her football. So she turns around and just out of reflex snags this motherfucker out of thin air. But Randy Moss did. Oh, just lost it. Yeah. And the fucking crowd goes crazy. They're all like, holy shit. This chicken stands. This shit face dumb ass broad. Snagged this catch. And none of our wide receivers could

catch shit. Fucking sign this girl up, get her in there. Everyone's fucking losing it. Oh, yeah. What size did she shoot off? Let's go. They even had her up on the jumbotron. Yeah, in place of her making the catch. Apparently the jumbotron was flashing. What a catch, what a catch, what a catch on all the screens. That's pretty good jumbotron guy. Like to be he was on top of that really quickly. Yeah. Yeah. So she fucking catches it. Everyone, you know, giving her high fives and she's she feels like a celebrity walking out of there. And a great catch lady. You brought them luck. Yeah, his little foreshadowing. As she's as she's getting dragged out, one of the one of the a child, a boy a few seats over,

yells as his dad, dad, look, play has resumed. Cam had let go off. Cam had let go off a long pass, covering at least half of the field. The ball sailed perfectly and landed right in the hands of another panther for a touchdown. Yep. Not going to bother with names at this point. Change their luck. Yeah. So then she has to get mended up because it was such a rocket from Cam that she like bloodied her hands, I guess. She broke a nail as well. Yeah, broke a nail. So she had to go to security and get her all patched up. She went to the medical tent and then they send her into the drunk tank because she's still shitfaced, obviously, right? When you read that, Greg, what was your thought? Oh, well, I highlighted it.

The one is Ben there, right? I highlighted it. And I'll tell you this, not a fun place to be. Yeah, but you don't even remember getting sent to the drunk tanks. Correct. Correct. This leaves an amateur of what we're saying. Yeah. But then they said, take her downtown, book her on a 602. And it's like, well, the drunk tanks are in the stadium. So I don't think you really have to go downtown. Again, this is somebody who's who's read about it in a book. Right. Yeah. It wasn't living. It wasn't taking a handle of Jack before the game, you know, see what the drunk tanks all about. Yeah, right. For research. Yeah. So they're leaving the stadium

and they're like going to the officer's car, right? And then another officer is like, like, yo, what are you doing? Like, you know who this girl is? Right? Right. And it's like, that's that's the lady right there that made the catch that turned the game around for the Panthers and won in the fucking Super Bowl. And the cop was his name, Max, who cuffed her. Yeah. Had the exact reaction that I'm sure the three of us had, like the fuck you talking about. Yeah. Oh, this drunk bitch. Is this you took a hard left turn? Yeah. So then so Officer Fisher takes her and is like, hi, you're not going to jail. You're

going to go on the field right now. So they bring her back in as the Panthers are celebrating this confetti coming down from the rafters. This is almost a two thirds of the way through the book. And so far Cam Newton has not made an appearance other than his chucking it five yards out of bounds. Yeah. So she she gets on TV. She tells she tells the interviewer and like, you're the fan that won the Super Bowl. And she's like, oh my God, I'm fucking I can't believe it. She asked some kid to borrow his phone calls her dad and then he's like weeping on the phone. Oh yeah. So I highlighted this part. Hang on. So she wanted she had a phone call to make. And here it is verbatim from the book.

Quote, do you mind if I make a long distance call? I asked as I looked up from the phone to the boy. Quote, sure, I have the full US plan. Call anybody you want. It doesn't cost me extra and I never use all my minutes. This is 2016, right? Yeah, that would have been great in 2001, maybe when that was a thing. I also thought that was very strange. And she missed a total opportunity to plug. Oh, I have Verizon. You can call anyone in Puerto Rico plus Mexico. You know, only 35 cents a minute. Oh, sorry. Continue, Greg. So she calls me. See, that makes me think that maybe this is a copy and paste job where this is a previous book with some other quarterback and they just like did control F replaced with all cam or like Steve Young with cam Newton kind of thing.

Yeah, because I have some thoughts there later on. So thanks to dad. I love you, you know, like your dad cries on the phone. And then yeah, that was pretty much the end of that. And then someone comes up to her and says, Hey, little lady, cam wants to holler at you for sure. No, that was that was the end of that. That's why I was saying this is not a control replaced sort of job, you know. Joe Montana wants to holler at you for sure. That's for sure. And holler H-O-L-L-E-R for sure. Yeah. That was perfect English. I'm almost surprised that this wasn't a dabbing with a G instead of dabbing with an apostrophe.

That's a good point. Yeah. So she gets into the locker room and then this is where it starts to get a little bit hot and heavy. Oh, it gets steamy. Yeah, girls a lot in there and they're like, whatever, it's the Super Bowl. It's not potty. Get on in here and start looking at some dicks. And she does. Oh, yeah. So she goes in there and how much of this part onwards, Greg, of your book is highlighted? Oh, dude, every page. I just started like doing a highlight whole paragraph. Just circling paragraphs. Me too. It's fucking hilarious. So where does it start? Yeah. So they're all just hanging out in their towels, right? Just she's kind of describing how hunky they all are. So right now I was a horny lustful voyeur

who couldn't find the strength to lift her eyes beyond groin level. One word came to mind. Dot, dot, dot, dot, hung. Eight inches to my left, nine inches to my right. There goes another seven to nine, I thought. It's a pretty wide gap of seven to nine. Yeah, but soft, Steve. They're not even hard yet. Think about that. She does specify that. Yes. Yes. Even before I got going back to the towels thing, I skipped over the first time, but then when I was going back highlighting stuff, I realized what it actually said. Tell me if this makes sense. The players were getting interviewed in their towels until they weren't.

Weren't not as in getting interviewed. Weren't as in not wearing towels. That makes sense, right? Yeah. Okay. I read through that a couple times. I got a couple tries. Yeah. All right. Yeah. As in they took their towels off. Yeah. They're exposing their genitalia. Just pop the towel off and be like, okay, let's keep going. Yeah. I mean, I get it. The interview continued. The towels did not stay on. She's getting at it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So then she's, they keep, all these people keep pointing her to, they're like, oh, Cam's been asking about you. And she's like, oh my God, Cam, the quarterback. And they're like, yeah, he's back there in the whirlpool. No, the other camp. Yeah. So she keeps heading back into the, like, the depths of the

locker room. So a little bit of privacy, you know? And, you know, as most Super Bowl winning quarterbacks do right after the game, he's just taking a quick ice bath before he celebrates by himself. After the winning Super Bowl. Yeah. Confetti's still in the air and he's okay. Yeah. I got to ice up for my game in seven months. So there he was. Cam Newton, winner of the big game. Just sitting there, the most popular person in the world today. And he was less than 10 feet from Caroline. Fully naked. Fully naked. Buck naked. And he's like, hey, girl, it's you. I can't believe it. Come over, come over here and give daddy a hug.

That's gonna be my Cam Newton voice. Oh, hey, baby. Hey, baby. It's you, girl with the hands. Come over here and give daddy a hug. How many times have you lived in Kelly so far, Greg? Well, this is me workshopping it live. So we'll ask him a week from now how often he uses his voice on Kelly. Yeah. This part I didn't quite understand. He says, I walked over to the whirlpool or should I say floated. Cam squeezed me tight and put out his hand for a high five. I was like attention right there. A nice little, you know, steamy high five. While you know, how does that work? Get into the whirlpool, right? No. Yeah. So she's still out of the out of the whirlpool right now. Still playing coy. Yeah. But it does explain why he's in the

ice bath right now. Because he says, yeah, they brought the blitz. I escaped the pocket, but still took a licking from two linebackers. That explains the whirlpool and I should be celebrating. Yeah. When in real life, he just like let them recover the foam ball and was like, you know, I had business decisions. Speaking of business decisions. Yeah. Carry on. So. Uh oh. Greg just froze. Greg. That's a good look on his face when he did though. To make this come back. Start over. You froze like when you first started that. Okay. So Cam, Cam proceeds to tell Carolyn how she was the inspiration for the Panthers comeback win and said that right after that, that play, he goes in the locker into the huddle and it was like,

hey, if that stupid broad can catch the ball, then you guys can goddamn well do it. No offense. Yeah. No more drops. If a woman, no offense in the stands could catch a ball. And they were all just like, you know what? That makes sense. If a chick can do it, why can't we do it? And they start catching passes everywhere. And then there's about the best part. Oh, yeah, you're right. Let me start catching the balls. Also, not only was this like the most misogynist part of the whole story, I think it was also the most grammatically egregious part of the story too. Because if you look at it, the text actually says if a woman, no offense in the stands can catch the ball

and she's not even expecting it, we can't too. And two is spelled T. W. O. As in the number. Yeah. Here's the question. Do you think Tom Brady, when he was down 28 to three, throws a ball. No lady in the stands catches it. He comes back and the huddle is like, you motherfuckers. If she doesn't fumble it, you can't too. Yeah, right. No more drops. We're going laser focus laser focus. It's because that guy in Kansas City was shining the light in his eyes. Oh, like if he can laser focus, you can laser focus. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So then there's about, I would say three to five pages of just them having a conversation that it's just all strictly sexual innuendo puns. Yeah. So this is, I think,

the football, not football section of this episode, right? Right. Getting into football, not football. Talking about penetration in the backfield, talking about scoring in the red zone. I sent tight ends deep into the red zone and we scored. Our offense got a quick blow and she's like, oh my God, a quick blow. She's like, yeah, you know, we almost scored again. She's like, oh, scored again. Oh my God. Yeah. Shot right through the two hole, which also doesn't make sense. Yeah. And she's like, that's a butthole joke, right? Fun. I'm going to say hole is your B hole. Yes. Isn't it also hockey? That's the five hole. Well, there is a two hole. Yeah. Yeah. That one didn't make sense. And she also missed like the squirt through the hole, you know? Yeah. Mike

Mello would be disappointed, as would Dan Dierdorf. Also, there's a, you have to just open a hole and keep pounding it in. Yeah. Hashtag keep pounding. That's like Carolina's like motto thing. Really? Yeah. You know how like every team has like a phrase they hashtag and all their Yeah. There's just keep pounding. Is that Jerry Richardson's idea, do you think? For all? Oh, it's clearly Caroline Blue's idea, I think. She's the first one that wrote it. It's a game of inches and our guys were prepared to win the battles when the rest bring out the chains to measure. Yeah, inches and we always had the length.

Yeah. Her head was spinning from all the sexual innuendos. Quite honestly, I skipped over this bit because I was like, all right, I get it. But then her, she could, she could feel the wetness between her thighs though. So she's clearly, you know, she's in the mood now after all this That was sex talk from Cam. I do. I did like the part where it was, you must be cold. It's frigid in the whirlpool to which he responds, I'm not frigid. And she worn that one right in there. Yeah, it fit the rest of it. But I love that. I'll allow it. Yeah. And Cam gets out and they're gonna, and he's gonna go to the hot tub, right? Oh, yeah. And he gets out. It's so very big, but so gentle at the same time. You know,

I could see that with Cam. He is kind of like a, you know, he's intimidating, but he's kind of got that like boyish, like, yeah, I bet he's a good lover. Yeah. Big old gentle teddy bear. Yeah. Well, I just mean from like a lover standpoint. Yeah, so do I. I think he'd be very giving. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I should make some comments about his butt, his big perfect behind. And then they start dabbing. That's when we get to the dabbing part. So yeah, this this is where I, I, it all fell apart for me. I was hanging in there right up until this. Should we just read this part? Yeah, read it out. I mean, this is the, this is the title of the book. So I feel like this is the climax of the novel.

Yeah. So what happens is Cam gets into the hot tub and he's like, oh, you should, you should come in too. You know, she's like, but I, you know, I don't have, you know, I'm not properly retired for this. And he's like, you know, just your best suit is your birthday. He's the best suit. Yeah. I mean, he's not wrong. Yeah. But so, you know, Caroline's like still kind of a little self-conscious. Wait a second, guys. I just put it together. Caroline is not a fucking real name. Carolina blue, like the panthers, the color of the panthers. You just put that together, Greg. Did you guys know that? Yeah. They said it in the book. I said that, that's not a real name because Carolina blue.

Like I'm the idiot then. Like at the end, they're like, oh, what's, I didn't even get your name. He was like, Caroline blue. He was like, oh, isn't that appropriate? I'm sorry. It's okay. Fuck that part. Dumbass. So yeah, but so we're, we're, we're getting like, he's, the cam is trying to, to kind of use attention a bit. Oh, of course. Bro, shut that fucking dog up. Yeah, he's a bargain. Steve. Cut that part out. Leave in. Blame Scott. The fuck, Scott. Fucking Scott. So yeah, so cam's trying to like make Caroline feel a bit, you know, a bit more relaxed because she's a little uptight about like, you know, getting in the hot tub with

this stud. And so what does he do? Does he, he, uh, so she, you know, she's too embarrassed. And so he says, don't worry. He said, I almost forgot. He stood up and took my hand in his hand. Ready? He asked. Ready for what? You know, he thrust our joined hands towards the ceiling and leaned into his other elbow. What's that? Don't tell me you don't know. Don't know what. Come on, girl. Dab. Next thing I knew, we were dancing, dabbing, and doing the cat daddy. Cat daddy. Oh, did you? I, because I did not. You didn't know what cat daddy is? I didn't know. Oh, you guys are not, uh, I mean, no, I can't. I don't remember it that well. I remember it was like a, it was a popular thing with, um, that model with the, the large, large

breast model, Kate Upton. Yep. Oh, that sounds familiar. 2011 song. 2011. So she's five years late on cat daddy. Or maybe the Panthers were. I mean, it was the jam of the week in January, 2011. 2011. Cat daddy. She's doing the soldier boy. You. The Stanky Leg. Stanky Legged. That made her feel better though, because then she's like, all right, fuck this. I'm getting in that hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. And at this point, I like how she tied it back to the very beginning. You know, I think all good authors do this where they like, you know, fold in some of the previous parts they talked about where she's like, Oh shit, I didn't even trim up my bush. I've been so busy at work, you know, I haven't had time to shave the grundle. And then she's like,

you know, let's get in this hot tub. Yeah. Some dudes like that. Yeah. So just to finish this off, you know, she's drinking champagne, laughing, dabbing with Cam. I felt so free like a bird, or should I say a panther in the jungle? And like a panther, I now decided it was time to hunt or at least be hunted. I don't think that is getting hunted. Well, maybe by us. So she rips open her blouse like Superman, another can in celebration. Oh, I missed that one. That's great. So she's in her brown panties and she's like, well, let's get in this tub. Scoots up in there. She's feeling a little confident from the alcohol.

Even though you think she'd be sobering up by now. I mean, Well, no, because they drank more alcohol. They drank more right there. Oh, that's right. They were getting some bubbles going. They were spraying each other. Steve apparently knows this. Yeah, he hydrates you. I can see Steve being a drunk hot tub kind of guy. Uh, a couple of times, you know, he sneaks up on you.

I rest my case. Yeah. So she gets in there and she's just stuck. She's all over him immediately. And next thing you know, she's got her hand down his pants. Or I guess he might even not be wearing pants. But either way, she's read to me, she's, she's grabbing on his goalpost. And she says his manliness was bigger than I had ever seen. And it wasn't only his length, his girth was equally impressive. I was hoping you'd read the paragraph before that.

My hand continued down the goal line, down to the goal line. Before I even got close, I could feel his goalpost. At that moment, I knew why he was referred to as the man of steel. See, the puns just don't do it for me. Like, let's just, let's skip the innuendo and just really start talking about his deck. You know? No, the puns are why I spent the night on this. There's so fucking many.

Because right after this, it just evolves again into just football or not footballs. It did, but then it got weird. I ran my hands up and down his shaft and then slid them around and grabbed that amazing behind. Two halves of molten lava made of steel apples. Is it molten or is it steel? I don't, what molten lava made of steel apples? I can't even picture like, I'm trying to get in the mood here. I can't picture what that is.

Greg, can you help me check that? And like apples, where the fuck did apples come from? Why are they molten apples? I don't know. With steel apples, excuse me. Steel apples. Two halves. Two halves makes me think she's talking about a CUDA.

You know? No, explain that. Well, you know, molten lava halves like together the melty in the middle. You know, it's the only thing I get. I don't know what to steal. I thought the apple is like, she meant to say peach. You know, the peach is generally the side for like a butt, you know, like each half of a cheek is a peach, you know? And maybe she just peaches peach with apples.

Yeah, I think that might be it. But anyways, she slides this goalpost into her open hole, which I mean, I guess is a pun, but you don't ever put a goalpost into a hole. So it doesn't really make sense. Fourth in inches wasn't even close to the appropriate term. Right. Because it's fourth and inches. Yeah, which is ironic.

More like first down in goal. Makes no fucking sense either. Yeah. It went off the rails a little bit here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me start again.

Pretty, pretty graphic. Then we get the booty talk. Yeah. All the she is of all the good football and not football is when he's sitting in the whirlpool. And then like by the time they're in the hot tub, she's got nothing left. Yeah. I'm desensitizing. I'm desensitizing at this point.

Like none of these things. Yeah. I mean, but when she said, but my backfield was fully penetrated, I was like, whoa. But then later she's like, but then I didn't take it off the butt. And so I was like, wait, did you take in the astronaut? That's that's why innuendo works because we can interpret it however we see fit. Because there's another part later, Greg. You probably have to.

I knew I was going to feel it in the morning, but I didn't care. I knew I'd be shitting pancakes. That's a visual. Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick. I feel like it says. I feel like we should probably rewrite this. Oh, man. But see that at this point, the hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

Hole with a W, by the way. And drive he did. It was a long sustained drive that lasted the fully 15 minutes. He called the plays and he certainly executed. Short thrusts, deep balls, a few flickers thrown in. Couple flickers. I was so into the moment. You could have called for a you could have called a for a scat.

And I would have lined up for the action. See, that's what I'm saying. Did she take it in the butt or did he call for this? He didn't call the scat. So like, did she take it in the tight end or not? It's a real question. Unanswered. I mean, I read a fully penetrated backfield to mean that she was she had been penetrated in the

ass because it did say. Yeah, but then he could have called for the scat and she would have been OK with it, but he didn't. Right. I mean, yeah. I think that that's I think that's more. Well, I think that's more the pancakes that Greg was talking about than actual or maybe we're we're confusing scat to me in the rear. And maybe it's like ski, skate, skate, skate.

No, I think or I think she's saying he could. I figured out he could have called for the scat me and like shit on my chest. Yes. That's what I was trying to say without saying those exact words. But yes, because if you read the actual sentence that Greg was referring to, it is he had to stretch to get it in. But my backfield was fully penetrated. So I think I think there was some bump.

Sounds like she said a tight end that had never seen a single play. That means he took her anal virginity. But didn't shit on his chest. If I did shit on him, which is good because it's a hot tub and that's a whole somebody who used to clean pools like that's not a mess. You want to clean up the next morning. Got it. Facilities.

This shit in the world. It's like, damn, the fuck out of here. I thought you were just icing up. Damn it. I'm not again. Just hot box. Yeah, let's get to that part. Yeah.

So then her boss somehow wanders his way back into the locker room. Into the world. I don't know how her boss got access. But he's like, hey, what's up, buddy? Have you seen Caroline anywhere? Look, I think she went that way. Well, she dumps her head underwater. Yeah, he puts her head underwater.

He's like, no, I haven't seen her. All right. Yeah, he's like, oh, man, that's fucking hilarious. Oh, god. And they're like, wow, we really got away with one there. What if my boss had seen me in there? We got a raise. Jesus Christ.

I can't read. But all good things come to an end, unfortunately, including this book, because we're on page 20 at this point of 25. And so basically, Cam invites her to come on the plane for the plane ride home. And she says, that's a booty call. That's nice. She's like, no, I want this.

Like, this is the special moment between us. This is going to be our little secret. And like, I'm going to end it like this. Yeah. And then as she's leaving, he goes, hey, I didn't catch your name. I catch your name. Right. It's not even funny.

Why are you laughing? Just fuck your ass. What's your name? I don't know why. It tickles. It tickles. What was even so much better for the last name was Brown. How perfect.

Well, Caroline, he said, he raised his hands in position and said, don't forget you as he dabs. I dabbed back. We both smiled and out the doorway and into the night I went. Oh, my goodness. And then she thought she was going to get fired. But then she got a promotion, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. A promotion that allows her to travel the world. Do other shit. I don't know. Yeah. I thought this was a little subcontext that maybe he had seen what was going on. The hot tubman is like, OK, we'll send this girl out to be a fucking client pleaser. She's got what it takes.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, oh, well, you know, I let your boss know. Donald Devlin, which is real close to the devil, except it's not real close to James Devlin, right? Donald Devlin, she's ready to go the whole nine inches. I just let him know that you're a senior analyst on our client side team. Requires a lot of traveling and client interfacing.

So maybe you're right, Greg. And he's like, you know, I'm sorry. I really should consult with you first. But, you know, is that cool with you? And she's like, I love it. Thank you. And then and then there was this, which was like a little interesting, I thought, says, and I did love it so much that I gave Brian a hug right then and there.

He was great. I saw him as a sort of father figure now, someone who would watch over me at times and make sure everything's OK. She just met this guy like two days ago when she was like when she won the thing. She'd never met him before. And now he's a father figure. Yeah. Just because she caught a football.

Something's there. Yeah, daddy issues. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, part part. Part two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dad and Brian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See, I this is my takeaway from this book is that this is all a social critique on Bank of America. What? Hear me out.

I'm listening. I am all ears. Hear me out. Hear me out. You couldn't say that, but I'm fucking drinking a beer again. All right. Hear me out, right? She's working this.

She's working the shit fucking numbers job in Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, where's Bank of America's headquarter? That's true. That's true. Yeah, where? Charlotte, North Carolina. Remember they mentioned they mentioned, oh, out of the 150,000 employees. Yeah.

159,000. They were very specific about that. They were. You want to know, you want to know how many employees Bank of America has? I do. 137,000 employees. Interesting. As of 2016, I bet a little bit more.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then she goes away on this fancy trip and she doesn't even do anything work related. In fact, she makes work take a back seat, but somehow gets promoted at the end of it. Just by pure, like, chance, not because of work ethic. And that just goes to show you that it's not about who does the most work to get ahead. It's just who fucking sleeps with the athlete or gets to go to the big name and rub elbows with the executives. That's what's wrong with America and our banking system specifically.

I capitalism, I call you a lot, but you are definitely onto something. Yes, it is advanced. Thank you. Yeah. You're right. This is a subtle critique of our capitalistic nature, especially the leeway. We give these big banks to just fucking waste all the taxpayer money. Get out.

Yes. And then, yeah, ship pancakes all over the American people. Yeah. You know what I did with that? You want to answer that? Dabbing. He's dabbing on the haters. I dabbed on the haters.

I'll say, did you notice how often she referenced like, oh, lucky this or lucky that? Like, oh, that's my lucky jersey or all my lucky tank. There was a lot of that talk. Yeah. Yeah. The lucky girl, which makes me think, oh, yeah, it's all about luck, not about like hard work. It's true. Thank makes here's my here's my whole take on this thing and a different perspective.

And I'm more micro. Okay. Emily hates her. Oh, yeah. She's secretly thinking that should have been me taking. Oh, for God's sake. The hot tub dip with Cam Newton. She's wearing my lucky jersey.

But she doesn't know about it. There's no way these girls are main friends. I just agree because at the end, this is all wrapped up nicely because Caroline comes back, a change woman realizes she's not going to be doing this. 70 hours a week, not having her best friends aren't going to be Ben and Jerry anymore. And Louis Vuitton CK. So what she does is she comes back and as a thank you to Emily takes both of them on a trip to Paris. She gives them tickets to Paris, which apparently is something they've been talking about forever

because it's that trip. And but before they go, like as it wraps up the end of this story, it is so, you know, she's like saying thank you for doing this. And so Emily says, girl, I can't wait to go with you. See what trouble we can get into me either. But first I said, as I turn my head sideways and raise my eyebrows, we got a dab. And dad, we did until we fell to the ground rolling on the carpet and laughter. Best friends are crazy like that. Go Panthers.

They definitely don't like each other. The ground laughing and dabbing. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, best friends are crazy like that. Yeah, Steve. You don't do that with your best friends, Steve. Yeah. Haven't you ever been on Instagram dot com? Dumbass. Chicks.

Slap face. Yeah. BFS. I'm just like, idiot. Steven, Steven. Guys, I'm talker. I just think Emily is going to be a resentful forever for entering her friend and then that comes through and who then won and then took her in her jersey.

Yeah. And and Caroline is holding back the secret that she banged Cam. Yeah, just be best friends. At some point they're going to go to Paris and get drunk. She's like, oh, girl, I mean, Cam, you know, his dick is as wide as it is long. And she's like, what the fuck? Just ran a French dick we're getting is OK, but you should have seen Cam's. Yeah.

And they're supposed to be best friends that have known each other forever. They've been planning trip to Paris their whole life. And she's not even going to tell them about sleeping with the Super Bowl MVP immediately after the game. Exactly. On a trip that you were only there because you got entered in by Emily. Yep. Emily Emily's trip.

Emily would have enjoyed it more. Caroline's a bitch. Yeah. And fuck Bank of America. Yes. OK. I googled book club talk topics for 50 Shades of Gray because I thought they just like did the parallel well here.

Do you want me to bring up a couple of the questions? Yeah. OK. This book is marketed as steamy erotica for suburban housewives. Is this accurate? Do you think reading about intense sexual encounters enhances the sexual experience of the many sex scenes discuss your favorite or least favorite? There was only one.

OK. What was he doing? My favorite up on the field. Hmm. Do you think this is marketed as a steamy erotica for suburban housewives? No. I think it's marketed as a steamy erotica for guys like us. Yeah.

Yeah. We are the target market. Well, I don't know the whole the whole like Emily is my best friend that screamed to me like marketing towards women. Like I hate my I hate my best friends. I hate you guys. I hate all my friends. Yeah.

You say friends but I don't think that word means what you think it means. Yeah. I don't think you have any friends. Wow. Hmm. You have like like people who are obligated to be your friends like me and Andy. But that yeah.

And people you see at work but they're paid to be there too. Yeah. They're from like Czech Republic. You guys talk about fucking Posternaut. That's it. Hmm. Peter Hoskel. That guy.

Yeah. No, I'm out on that. Keep going. All right. All right. Does this book place women in a degrading light as some have claimed? I could see that. The bumbling drunk idiot.

Yeah. The former smart smarty two pants, you know, looking at junior accountant does everything right and then goes and gets drunk. Yeah. And like in the beginning she was like seeing herself as a bit of a loser too. Yeah. Yeah. She had a rumor with the whole like oh I caught balls because my dad taught me how to

and then I call my dad and you cry about it. Yeah. Yeah. And why wouldn't like her mom teach her how to catch football? See, you know. Well, her mom was dead. Do you didn't get that? Oh, no.

What was that? Oops. My bad. She's like fangirling. I thought Cam Newton was a very flat character in this, you know, like he was just, he was just a piece of meat with a fucking cock attached to him. You know, there was. It's a great anybody.

It's athletes with big nicks. Yeah. Yeah. There was no character arc. There was nothing there. I really didn't, you know, I was offended quite honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

As an athlete with a huge dick, I also was offended. I mean, you are a dummy. Yeah. There is more to us than just length and girth. I'll have you know. Okay. Yeah. Right.

I feel it too. Yeah. And dancing. Andy. Comment. I'm the smart one on this. I think we all know. Yeah.

He's a chemo. I have no idea. So it clearly has a micro penis. Yeah. And have you have you seen my my laptop hasn't risen nearly as high as I thought it would. Yeah. Where you guys aroused at any part in this book. It was weak smut.

Let's just throw that. It wasn't great. Yeah. I agree. Smut. I mean, because we're comparing this to kind of the gold standard of a Gronking to remember. And there's there's some steamy scenes in that. I mean, it's also a bit more fleshed out too.

Pun intended. But I don't think this kind of holds a candle to that one in terms of the. Like you said, Greg. First draft, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You probably could have made this better. But this is slapped it together.

Didn't even edit it. Just throw it out there. Make nine bucks off an idiot like you. Yeah. And I came into this to read this and come onto this podcast. Perfectly willing to admit any time I became aroused by this book. But I can't I can't lie to you guys and say that at any point. Did I have any feelings of sexual arousal?

Yeah, it was. Yeah. It just wasn't written well enough to be. It felt too forced. Yeah. So much football or not football that I just took it to an insane amount of life. You know, we we we know what we need to do. Right.

We got to write our own. No, no, no. We all need to Christmas get Mike this book and shape it right to him. So. I love that you think it's not already on the way. Oh, this is not Mike Mello's book. I don't know. Yeah, it's right in the wheelhouse.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, he he already caught most of these things already. Anyway, yes, during regular football broadcasts. All right. Here's an idea. This is our only. We bring Mike back on to direct and produce a film adaptation of Dabbin with Cam. Are we the actors in this?

Yes. Is Stephen Caroline blue? Oh, we can make we can discuss that. But I think I think he's definitely the most feminine of us. No, we'll have Kelly be it. I will be the director. He can be Emily. Greg, you can be Cam.

Yeah, I work with a black guy. So I'll have him be Cam. And then I think closely. Bigly remember Cam like the guy in the picture. Apparently you could just insert black guy and whatever. Yeah. Like whatever. Clip art.

Close enough. So but I think, Greg, you might be honest with me. I think we could make a couple of bucks writing one of these. What would that be about? I mean, you said the Edelman one. I think that there's a lot of squirrel finds a nut. Yeah. Cokes in there.

There is an Edelman one out there already. Really? So yeah, we may have to look into that. I can't remember what it's called. I got one. I got one. Sex Burkhead. Not bad.

Is there a Tom Brady one? There has to be, right? Yeah, it's almost too easy. Wait, wait, wait. What about Troy Brown one? Where he's very polite and takes him out on like really nice dates and just like a couple. Yeah.

I don't think we could do enough erotic in that. That's their father for their hand in marriage. And then just like in peace. It's like a Christian version of a romantic novel. Yeah. It's literally just romance. There's no erotic. I mean, we could initially I was thinking Bill Belichick.

I think that would be weird. Oh, I think on this John Ray. A Belichick one. With Ernie Adams showing up. Yeah. Somehow. Okay. Yeah.

I think we'll have to workshop this. Yeah. And it's just instead of actually being erotic, it's just like going over a bunch of like game film, the whole book. It's just marketed. Yeah. It's marketed as Belich. Oh, that's not as Belichick watching film, but everything.

Yeah. No, instead of actually football. The Kerala instead of Caroline Blue is just a football. No, it's him watching game film, but he's talking dirty. To the game film. To the game. He's fucking a pig skin. He's just fucking a pig.

Cut the hole in the playbook. Just happen. And we call it a love of the game. Oh, not bad. Not bad. He just has sex with sex with inanimate football related objects. Like tackling dummies. Tackling dummies.

Yeah. Tackling dummies. Yeah. Oh, I already know what the end scene is going to be and it's terrible, but I don't think we should ruin it for the listeners. So I'll tell you. Film spinning around the projector. The whole thing.

All right, I think I have one last question. Sure. Do you think Cam Newton has read this? I wouldn't say read it. I bet he's aware of it. You think? I feel like you probably have to be. Yeah.

I mean, someone would have asked him about it like a friend. Like if I had a friend and I found this, I'd be like, dude, immediately tell them. Yeah. But I doubt he's read it. Somebody may have read it to him, though. Because it's fucking hilarious. I might have like told him excerpts, but I don't know if that's what I mean. Yeah.

Not the whole thing, but yeah, the next question is there a way to translate it into his hieroglyphics and then send it to him? Yes. Oh, Andy. Oh, so there is a translator out there. And I think we'll just tweet it at him in 180 characters at a time. Tweet out the highlights in Greg's book. The whole book will just tweet the whole book at him.

180 characters at a time. That's only like, what, six tweets? This is not a long book. Not a long book. It's definitely doable. But I do think, yeah, that's not a bad idea. Maybe we'll create a whole separate Twitter account. No, let's just do it from the podcast account.

Just from, all right, fuck it. Oh, in the hieroglyphics. OK, we can do that. All right, I love that. All right, we'll get on that. Oh, my goodness. I need a cigarette. I don't smoke, but I need a cigarette after this one, boys.

That was a wild ride. Best and worst. Or actually just rate this on a Lombardi scale, the book. Out of Panthers Lombardies or out of Patriots Lombardies? Patriots Lombardies. OK. Three. I'm going to go.

Well, I think the book itself was a two. But just the fact that reading it together made me laugh so hard I choked on my own spit, I think gives it an extra Lombardi. So I'm giving it a three. Hey, by the way, what's your name? That one fucking got me. Just fucked her in the ass.

It's a hot thumb. I forgot your name. Oh, Jesus. You want to come on my plane? I'll just fly back with the team. Hey, Cam, who's this? Oh, I don't know. Actually, what's your name?

All right. I'll give this. I'm going to give this two different scores. OK. Panthers Lombardi of like a one. And Patriots Lombardi of like a four and a half, four and an eight. Because like as a book, it's just not a good book.

No. But as a Patriots fan and like looking at it from all, is this funny or not? It's pretty fucking funny. Yeah, yeah. Just the fact that the 10 points was the biggest big game deficit back from literally a year before written the year before the Patriots do twenty eight to three.

Yeah. And I have in here. Wait, this is a Super Bowl. They should dive on the fumble, too. Business decisions. All right, Greg. I give it. Out of six, I give it four and a half.

I think. Wow. With a possibility to go up to five and a half, if that social critique piece of it is the intended, the intentions of the author. That's fair. I think she needs to clean up some grammatical. That's why I graded harder on that.

Yeah. Yeah. But as far as, you know, I paid nine dollars to get some laughs, to not have to commit a lot of time. And it accomplished everything I wanted it to accomplish. So. So I just want to know for the both of you, because I think I got you them for Christmas.

Did you read the Gronking to remember books? I think so, but I don't remember it at all. I don't think I did. I think I read the Gronking, too. And so maybe that's why. Yeah, maybe that's why I've. I've graded a harsher because I've read the pinnacle of of the genre, I think, in those books.

So maybe we'll have to do our own Belichick version and top them off. I think we could write. I honestly think we could write one better than this. I think so, too. Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right, I mean, we're not going together. We're not going to. I've done dumber shit.

All right. You also said we weren't going to do this podcast. How long do you think? How much do you think it costs to get it published? I think it's self-published shit on Amazon. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can only charge you when it prints.

All right. I'm in. All right. I'm in. We're doing it. We just need Mike now. All right. All right.

Chapter two. You start with chapter one, Andy. All right. Chapter two. Okay. And then yeah. And then Steve can do three and we'll just rotate all the way through. Yeah.

And and we can't come up with the idea together. But the whole plot line is we just have to keep building on the previous plot. Yes. This is exactly how it's going to go. You just have to read what's there so far and add your own and keep building on it. All right.

I'll get that started. We'll see. And then if you want to support the podcast, you could buy this masterpiece. I'm sure is what it's going to end up being. This is going to be fucking sweet. Greg, we may need you to draw some. Because none of these actually have any pictures,

but we may have. That's great. If you draw this. Yeah. Get some illustrations. All right. Yeah. We'll get to that.

Well, we'll get to that when we get to it. But for now, we will leave the listeners. What listeners we have left. I'm not even going to give out the rate this podcast. Yeah. And I'll skip that one. So join us next week on what might be something a little less saucy on the pages.

Daisy podcast. See you later. Anyway, all right.