Pendejo Time - A Pendejo Space Caper

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

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Yeah, crazy. Crazy-ass motherfucker. And, yeah, it'll fucking work. New message inbound from spaceship 9150. I'll accept. Let's hear what it has to say. Go ahead. I'm a horny alien.

I need a big, strong alien man. I need it. I need an alien man to come in my space chambers and bust me wide open like a dropped egg in a Kroger aisle. Transmission deleted.

Please move to trash. Okay, there's a couple more voicemails. Okay, we're going to have to... Let's put her in overdrive here. We'll put her in autopilot. There's a couple more voicemails. Okay. We're going to have to. Let's put her in overdrive here. We'll put her in autopilot. Let's see what's next. All right. Click play.

General. This is a message from Admiral Bootyhole. There is an urgent matter that needs attending to promptly. Please meet me on the asshole asshole butt level of the ship. Immediately.

In two hours. Start heading up there in two hours. As soon as it's in two hours, head up there as soon as it's in two hours. Head up there immediately. All right. Over and out. This is Admiral Butthole. Bootyhole.

Butthole Bootyhole. Does anybody... Hey, John, do you know... Roger that. If Admiral Bootyhole is real, do you know... Okay, he's not real. Okay, well, all right. I'm assuming that was a prank call from Earth, which is crazy.

We're like fucking 900 parsecs. Away from that motherfucker. We got one. All right, let's see. I'm trying to see if they got my wife's call. They were able to kind of figure out some time travel digital stuff. All right, well, let's cross our fingers, guys. I haven't heard from her in a long time.

I've been in cryo sleep for 500 years. Let's see what she said. Okay, click. Hi, this is Pam the Ant. I'm an ant over here at the Ant Hill, and we just saw your wife, and she was eating a BLT sandwich. That stands for big ass, big piece of big bacon, lettuce, and cheese, and tomato, big sandwich. And I'm just letting you know, I'm Pam the Ant.

And I crawled up her leg, and I saw one of her knees, and then I crawled back down, and I went and I hunted for food. Goodbye. Captain, I'm sorry. that wasn't your wife. It's okay. It's okay. It's fine. It's all right. Somebody has the ship's number and I believe that we're being fucked with.

It was pretty funny, sir. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. I miss my wife. But it looks like we have some messages here, some written messages. Let me see. Let me activate the AI. AI, please read the written emails from the Space Captain's Log post-cryosleep.

Captain's Log. Morning. Space age 100 million and five and a half good morning it is earth tuesday i have just opened my laptop and i'm looking up a bunch of spaniard porno spanish porno and i love it because it's like sort of lat, but like a primordial Latino, like before they even had them. Close your ears, guys. I tried to open my email and get the AI to read it, not my personal notes. I want to make it clear to the AI that I'm trying to have my emails read and not my personal diary. Please don't read my personal diary.

Just read the emails. Okay there you go ai input command emails sent from captain email sent to baskin robbins why don't you sell a birthday cake so big that a big guy can eat it and it's he and you should sell a baskin robin spoon i eat ice cream for breakfast every day i fucking hate i hate anything eating anything else every time i eat ice cream i wish it was my wife i wish i could eat her bones okay pause great okay um i don't please okay my fault please search for any incoming messages from my wife samantha captain one message incoming from samantha captain okay please read, AI. Thank you. Hey, Captain. It's me, your wife. Wife, Captain.

And I'm Samantha. And I just wanted to say I love you. And I love being your wife. That's so nice to hear. That's great to hear. And I'm so glad that you are my space husband. I knew she didn't forget about me all the way up here, man. And I didn't forget about you all the way up there.

And your nuts are big. And I know. See, she said it. And it's normal to watch Spaniard porno. And it's normal to eat cake all the time. And, oh, I wanted to let you know earlier today, the craziest thing happened. This aunt, I think her name was Pam, crawled up my leg, up to my knee, and then took a look at my knee and then went back down and ate a piece of food.

Captain, I have some bad news. She said she'd call you. Based on the tone of your wife's voice I believe that Pam the aunt hijacked your wife's email and maybe your wife was not on the other side of that email I don't want you to be alarmed

as the leader of this great journey and as part of the message to ants can't type so it couldn't be I can't be an ant ants can't type so it couldn't be I can't be an ant ants can't type they're too light as your sober intelligent co-captain

I must say that the last part of that message is rather suspicious and for an ant to type it has to be a few of them to weigh down the keys they have to stack they have to stack on top of each other to weigh down the keys. They have to stack. They have to stack on top of each other

to weigh as much as a finger. A finger weighs a lot to ants. My wife talks and she types like this. It has to be her. Mr. Captain Husband, it must be me or wife because there's no way it's a bunch of ants

shaped like a hand typing. That would be crazy. Listen, Captain, I don't want to be the one to inform you that it does seem with every passing moment that there's a lot of ants shaped like a hand

typing a message pretending to be your wife in an attempt I imagine to either torture you or at the very least extort money from you and if I was your wife and that's why you'd want to send me awesome

things like like part of an Un uncrustable or maybe honey or maybe coca-cola please send me half a can of coca-cola part of an uncrustable that somebody dropped and um a hill. Listen, Co-Captain Johnson, I understand where you're coming from, and I understand how this looks, but my wife loved Uncrustables. She loved honey, and she loved hills. And so as it stands, I think that there's still a good chance that this is not a bunch of ants that had her laptop shaped into a hand typing a message.

And also, here's a picture of my pussy. And if it looks like it's made out of ants, it's not. I just got sunburned and I made my skin look like it was a bunch of ants. It looked like it was a bunch of ants. Captain, I'm willing to entertain this for only a few moments longer. If you click open on that JPEG and it looks like a bunch of ants shaped into the shape of a woman's pussy, then I need you to close your browser and we must begin our journey again. Fine, fine, but I'm going to open it up.

I'm going to open it up and you're going to see that it is a normal woman's vagina and not a bunch of ants shaped to look like one. Because first of all, I don't even know how they would do that, okay? And second of all, my wife sends me fucking cooter pics all the time when I was back on Earth and this is the first one she sent me. She says, I've been in space 500 years asleep. So, here goes nothing. Let me ask you a question, Captain. What do you see before you?

I see, I see, um, I see, um, my, I see a beautiful woman's body. You see a bunch of fucking ants. you see a bunch of fucking ants you see a bunch of goddamn ants gathered together into some sort of ham sandwich looking type shape and you want to sit here

and waste all of our time the crew that you swore to protect thinking that your wife is sending you pussy pics 500 million parsecs away from Earth. She's dead, Captain. We've been on this ship for 500 years. Well, as it turns out, co-captain, as it turns out, we've got a message from your wife.

Fine, I'll accept the fact that, you know what, maybe I'm being bamboozled by a bunch of fire ants that live in my front yard. But let's see what your wife has i'll accept the fact that you know what maybe i'm being bamboozled by a bunch of fire ants that live in my front yard but let's see what your wife has to say i don't think we need to do all of that let's see what she has to say because these were just my emails okay we got a whole crew here we got a whole crew of people who haven't spoken to their loved ones in 500 years so let's go ahead and see let's go ahead and see what co-captain's wife has to say computer search voice messages from samantha johnson the co-captain's wife oh here there's a couple okay here we go please don't please don't have to do this play hey there i am the co-captain's wife, also named Samantha Johnson.

And I'm just co-captain Johnson. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss that big old Johnson of yours. And also, I just wanted to say, I've been getting real worried about the ice caps lately. You know, I care so much about polar bears and always have. I, of course, am not one. But if I were to be one, I think I would be concerned for them now and maybe be setting up inflatable rafts that are claw-proof along the Antarctica, which is in either the north or south of America

it's either top or bottom probably probably bottom cause Santa can't live in Antarctica cause he's on the other one so Antarctica's the bottom one and Santa's on top

I told all of you that was my wife my wife. My wife has a beautiful, beautiful feminine voice. She's a PhD in neuroscience, and she also loves polar bears. Captain, just one question. I'm the British boy on the ship. Do you think, perchance it's possible, that that was a polar bear pretending to be your wife? That it was, because I know that you said your wife loves polar bears, but you'd think

that if she did, she would know which part of the earth they were on, whereas a polar bear's intelligence is not all that great. He might not know what side of the earth... It was my wife. My wife, um... No, she was just playing a trick and i don't listen i know we're all kind of taken aback by captain's wife being uh now a bunch of ants or

perhaps dead and eaten by ants it's not anybody's business but uh but his in the ants that is my wife not a polar bear. And I won't be pushed any further on the subject. Well, I mean, just from where we're sitting, maybe they had a picture too. Perhaps we could search it. Captain, please search any images coming from Samantha Johnson, co-captain. Yeah, we'll do,

because I'm loving the fuck out of this, because if my wife's an ant and this guy's wife a polar bear, we got a crazy, crazy, crazy journey ahead of us. Let's go ahead and open a video. A video from the co-captain's wife. Please don't open the video. I'm going to go ahead and open it.

I'm begging you, sir. Please don't do it. I think at this point, it's worthwhile to do it. Hey, it's me. I'm here. I'm co-captained Wife Johnson. Here I am playing with my very furry boobs.

I love how much fur is on them. And they are white just like they always have been. And my nipples are on probably my stomach. I would guess like a cat. Like all girl, earth girls do. And I squirt and I squirt I squirt and it's that's just like a normal human does do you like how long my torso is it's normal girl Sir, we can stop the video now. First I want to address

the captain. Co-captain, I see that you're brooding and as the young British boy of the ship I must be the voice of reason. Captain, you must be in hog heaven because your wife was a pile of ants mere moments ago. And the co-captain seemed pretty incredulous about it. He seemed a little mocking, perhaps, in his stoicism. And so you, being the captain, press play on the video, and as the Lord would have it, his wife is a polar bear like I assumed.

She isn't. That's like she wears a suit. I figured that maybe we could all be adults about this and my wife is into animal play. more play listen captain even the most expensive and finest quality fairy suits don't have blood and viscera hanging from the mouth like a real polar bear does so you should accept the very distinct possibility that your wife has been eaten and replaced by a polar bear best case scenario, or perhaps that you were always married to one. Okay, British boy. Let's see if you got any loved ones back home. I was an orphan. Well, let's see if you got any messages from your parents then.

if you got any messages from your parents then. I haven't spoken to them ever on behalf of them giving me up to the coal miners, but it would be interesting to see who brought me to this planet Earth. Yeah, I can get behind that. Yeah, for sure. Okay, let's see. I know you as British Boy on the ship.

That is my legal name. Okay, search email to British boy on the ship. That is my legal name. Okay, search email to British boy on the ship and look for attachments. Okay, one attachment, and it's got an email sent to it. And it says, wow, British boy. It says, from Mr. and Mrs. British boy's original parents. Yeah, we'll go ahead and hit play on that. Hello, British boy. I'm your British father.

And I, your British mum. We are both just hanging out. I am on the hunt for carrion to eat. Which is normal British food. We like roadkill and carrion. Right. We are in Britain. Known across the world as the New England. Right. And we are both humans and we love things like walking and we love we're just a couple of bipeds and we really like to actually don't like carrying we like fresh food we don't

like wrote dead badgers right we ate dead badgers we like to circle we like to circle things but we walk when we do it yeah we walk we walk when we do it we like to go to this human store for we don't like the

buzzard store right we don't go to Buzz Mart I think that about at first to be completely honest with you British boy on the ship I thought maybe that could have been your real mother and father

it clearly was it was and I brought a tear to my eye to hear the voice of Diddy and Mummy yeah I think it and I brought a tear to my eye to hear the voice of Diddy and Mommy. Yeah. I think this is probably the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me in my space career. There are six people on this ship.

We're at the third person. Each person has had a loved one back home that they haven't heard from or seen since they left Earth in 2023. It started with the captain. His beloved wife was actually an

ant bed. Well, ants from a bed of ants, as it turns out. Tricking him and trying to extort an Uncrustable from him and some honey and a hill. I've come to terms with tricking him and trying to extort an Uncrustable from him and some honey and ale. I've come to terms with my own tragedy that my wife may have been eaten by a polar bear

or perhaps I always was married to one. But, British boy, I think your parents might be vultures. Or a buzzard. I'm not sure of the difference. It might be a colloquial term thing. No, I don't think they are, because clearly, were you not paying attention, co-captain

Johnson, they said they want buzzards. They said they went to the human store. They went to the human store for their favorite treat, live ham. A buzzard loves carrion. You heard Mummy. She said, I don't like carrion. You heard Daddy. He said, I don't like roadkill. I love live meat from the buzz mart.

And you don't consider it a bit odd british man that of everybody who we've talked to on the email says they aren't the animal and they do the exact opposite thing that the animal does and when we click the photo they are indeed the animal after all well are there any pictures of videos go captain let's go ahead and sort through the files captain run your search alright British British boy yeah there's an attachment to that email it's a

kind of a long video it says eating food at the house not on the side of I-35. Eating real human food wearing a suit, not covered in feathers.mov. Should we click play? Yes, please. I'm sure.

All right. I love British food. I'm having a live hamburger bone and some beautiful mashed potatoes tail. And I think... And I think we will also have... I'd like... Hmm.

A cooked... Some cooked guts. Hmm. Cooked guts. It's British food. We eat it. And this will go... I think after this we'll go to the...

Human Cemetery. Pause the video, please, Captain. I think after this we'll go to the human cemetery. Pause the video, please, Captain. You can see clearly Mummy's wearing her favourite shawl. There would be a beak if she were a buzzard. It is a rather long shawl. You see the beak poking from under it, clearly. You can see it. No, Mummy just has a long nose.

A long bony white nose covered in red viscera. Click play, captain. Oh, here we are. We're at the human roof. That's right. The human roof. And we've got a

roasted oven chicken we are eating yes we are eating a roasted oven pigeon which is British food we are here in

uh Copperas Cove Texas eating our favourite British food. Right. I think after this, we'll go to the biped pub for a drink of brown. I think I've heard enough, Captain. You can turn it off. I think I've heard enough, Captain. You can turn it off.

I'm willing to accept the possibility that after watching what happened with the captain's wife and the co-captain's wife, both of them being an ant and a polar bear respectively, that maybe Mummy and Daddy were buzzards after all. It's possible. No, I don't think it's possible that two birds produced a human man. I think something very dangerous and terrifying is happening back home on Earth. Oh, what do you think that could be, co-captain? I'm not sure, personally, but...

British boy's parents are vultures. My wife's a pile of ants. Your wife is a polar bear We have some other people on the ship Let me check and see where they're at and get their two cents Hey, I was just in the back I Was just in the back day taking a just in the back taking a nap. It's crazy.

You sleep for 500 years, and you're very sleepy when you wake up. What's going on? As it turns out, the boy, his parents are vultures. My wife's a polar bear, and the captain's wife's an ant. My wife's a polar bear. Sounds like shit. Sounds fucking gay as hell. It's super sick, though, because I know my wife and my son,

I know they would never become some sort of animal. Well, Rodriguez, would you like to find that out? Because we're all learning something new today about what's left of planet Earth. It seems to have been taken over by talking animals, but we got a 50-50 shot right now, so I'm the captain of this ship, right? And then you're

co-captain British boy. Okay, so three out of six. Somebody they love was turned into some type of animal or insect. It's 50-50 right now, so maybe you can be

the one to break the mold. Yeah, search for, you can just see, you should leave me messages all the time. Just search, yeah search for you just see you should leave me messages all the time just just search Rodriguez's wife and see what comes up all right all right let me see not seeing anything oh yeah there it is yeah well okay we've got we'll have the ai we'll have the ai read the email and

then we'll we'll see if there's any attachments yeah go ahead she's gonna say normal things you say she love me she would say me corazón she's gonna say fucking papi and shit like that and then i'm gonna go back to sleep all right yeah sounds about right, Rodriguez. Okay. Hello, puppy. I am just hanging out on some pancakes. I am just tripping over some pancakes, but I am not sure. I am not sure if I just hang out on the pancakes, and that's where I like to be. Maybe later I'll go to Waffle House,

or I hope that's where I like to be. Maybe later I'll go to Waffle House or IHOP. That's where I work. It's my job. Okay. You didn't tell me, Rodriguez, your wife works at IHOP? Yeah, she's been working there like 30, 40 years. I believe you're missing the first half of the message, Captain and First Mate Rodriguez. Does your wife, Mrs. Rodriguez, typically hang out on, as she so eloquently put it,

stacks of pancakes? No, I mean, that would be pretty fucking weird. I mean, her being a lady, you know. I mean, you know how your wife gets when you go out when you leave town they fucking they have their girls night and they fucking

you know hang out on pancakes you know don't try to group me in with the captain his wife being ants I'm just saying

it's a grand possibility that based on today's events your wife might be syrup sorry your wife might be syrup. Sorry, I had something in my throat. Yeah, listen, Rodriguez,

I'm just going off of today's events. It would, at this point, be statistically bizarre if your wife was not syrup. Look, you can play the fucking video. You can play the audio. I guarantee you, my wife, she's just talking crazy you know when i when i go she start drinking and she probably she probably not hanging out on pancakes she probably like like taking pictures of her fucking you know what no i don't follow you.

I guess that's some sort of Mexican slang. Yeah, like, you know, when your wife takes pictures of her fucking... Of her fucking... Right, yeah. My wife never took pictures of her... But if you want to go down this road um i'm just gonna let you know it's real fucking lonely because as it stands we got the first three people who dared check their emails and messages now i have no one back home but captain feel free to hit the play button yeah let me see

if there's any attachments one second so there's an email here and oh I do see there's no video it's just audio so maybe I mean we got lucky with the video we're not it's gonna be hard to tell if she's sir based on the audio alone so there's hope for you yet, Rodriguez. Okay, one second. I am just saying hello to my best friend. Her name is Aunt Jemima. And maybe later we go to a Lincoln Log. And maybe we hang out with my other friend she's a honey bear she is a bear with a honey come out on the head and maybe later we go hang out

with um Miss Butterwort I can't remember if that's the type of syrup or not, but none of us are syrup. We just don't like, uh, we just... See, she said it right there. She said it right there that she's not syrup. And look, I know Aunt Jemima. I know Ms. Butterworth. They're her neighbors. It's actually worse than we thought. Not only is it clear that your wife is syrup, your wife is not even a name brand syrup, Rodriguez.

Hey, listen. If my wife was syrup, she would be name brand. Is she just being silly? I think it's possible that rodriguez's wife could be syrup after all my parents are bastards yeah listen to the british boy man i'm sorry rodriguez you came out you woke up from your nap and you know everything's topsy-turvy these days um you know nothing is what it seems you know I'm fucking suicidal at this point. Johnson's holding it together pretty good, co-captain. British boy is just, you know, playing with a pinwheel or whatever the fuck. I just, at this point, I kind of need you to understand that there's a good chance that your wife is syrup,

based on today's events. You know, I used to be married to soup. So it's not a big deal to me, really. Because after you marry somebody so hot like soup, you can handle a little bit of sticky syrup. And that's that on that. Okay, night-night. I go sleep Well, at least he's in higher spirits than the rest of us also he was married to soup

Which I don't quite understand Being you know the first mate of Space Force light-year mission you make a pretty good salary, so why would you marry Soup? But I guess at this point we have to run through everybody, right? We've had Rodriguez. We've had me. We've had the captain. And we've had little British boy. You did have me.

Right. Let me look back in the ship. I wonder if it's possible that anybody else could work here. I know that there's two more people. Let's go down into the engine room. I'm going to go into the engine room. One second. I love the sound the stairs make in this spaceship.

Sounds like a kick drum. Oh, there you are. First, second mate Smith, how are you doing, brother? What are you doing down in the engine room? Oh, really? I'm just hanging out. Well, listen, it seems like you're real busy down here drinking all the

fluids that go into the engine, but I wanted to let you know that some strange things have happened on planet Earth. Oh, yeah. Did a bear... What happened? So, you know Rodriguez...

No, I haven't met him. He works down here with you. His wife is syrup. Oh, that's nice! My wife is a polar bear. That's nice. My wife is a polar bear. The captain's wife is a bunch of ants.

And British boys' parents are vultures. It's quite possible that if you have any family back home, they've been replaced with either an animal or now an inanimate object. Ah! Okay! What do I ought to do? Well, we wanted you to come over here. Kill myself? No, Smith, please.

I can't. No, listen, brother. On TV? No, there's no TV receptors down here. We're... We're 900 million parsecs. Oh, thank God. I didn't want to.

Then why offer it as a potential solution? I couldn't think anything else. Sorry, I'm not laughing. It's just very smelly down here. What do you do down here? I stink! No, I mean, what do you do for a job? I stink all the time! Alright, uh,

well, that is unfortunate because you're being paid a very handsome the time. Alright. Well, that is unfortunate because you're being paid a very handsome salary, but would you like to come up to the top deck? See the people. You never come up. I thought I was at the top. Excuse me? This is the top.

There's a whole other part of the ship, brother, you've never seen. Okay. Alright. Follow me. There's a whole other part of the ship, brother, you've never seen. Ah! Okay! All right, follow me. Go, go, go, go, go. There's so many types of stairs on this ship. Okay, uh... Oh, hey, hey, there's Smith, and there's co-captain Johnson.

Smith, how's it going, man? I feel like I haven't seen you since before we got into the cryo sleep pods. Yeah. I, uh. It seems something has happened to second mate Smith. I remember him speaking normally. Yeah, me too. I don't remember the, um.

I, Smith, is everything okay? Yeah, I learned English but I was watching Sesame Street Okay You were watching Sesame Street in your cryo streamer and now you woke up like a deranged feral man?

Yeah I accidentally thought about kissing Elmo the whole time the whole 500 years. Okay, well, listen. I'm not going to fucking sugarcoat this shit, guys. I really just wanted to bring him up here to see what the fuck his wife is or what his parents are. Because at this point, there's no goddamn way that a guy like fucking Smith has a loved one back home that isn't a fucking spoon

or a goddamn Pontiac or a fucking ladder or a dog. So, Captain, you know what I'm going to ask of you. Go ahead and dig through the fucking files and see if there's anything in there that could lead us to more knowledge on Smith's family. Yeah, right now, no problem. Okay. Two second save Smith. Can't talk, guys. Can't talk.

Two second, mate. Smith, Smith. Oh, wow. Three emails, one audio, and one voice message. All right, let's see. We'll go here. All right, yeah. We're going to play the email for you.

Go ahead, AI. Hey, Smith. It's me, your supermodel wife. I'm just being regular. I'm playing with my boobs in the car. I just picked up this new Louis Vuitton bag and I've been thinking about you

and your cute butt. But I hope you get back to Earth soon. I'm still alive after 500 years, and I'm still beautiful, and I'm, you know, everything's pretty much normal back home. Nothing really, I can't really think of, other than all our animals, you know, they all passed away and pretty much

everybody that you knew except for me so that's kind of a bummer but yeah these big big boobs are waiting for you back on earth hope you're having fun bye bye wow

I can't believe it back on Earth. Hope you're having fun. Bye-bye. Wow. I can't believe it. I'm so surprised. I'm sleepy as fuck. Yeah, I can't believe it. I mean, just based off the one email, I think, Smith, I think, I think your wife's still a normal lady. Wow!

She looks cool! What a babe! Of all of us, of everyone, of everyone left on this wretched piece of tin floating 10,000 miles an hour through space. The one man whose wife was hot to begin with, and is still a human lady with breasts and butt. Smith. Of all- AHH! WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Smith, do you have any piece of knowledge, perhaps, why your animals died?

Maybe it could lead us to the truth of this mystery as to why my wife is a polar bear and Captain's wife is ants. Mexican man's wife is syrup and the boy's parents are buzzards. I don't know how long does an animal live. 100 years? I think maybe Smith's wife's trying to... She's sending us hints as to what may have happened on Earth while we've been away. Because there's two more emails here, an audio clip, and a video. And let's go through the clues, okay?

She's a supermodel that doesn't give a whole lot away. And she's playing with her boobs. But those are really important things. But she said all the animals have died. And everyone that Smith knew is dead. Right. Where are you going with this, Captain? I'm just saying maybe something with the animals and all the humans died.

And then all of our loved ones became syrup or soup or, you know, bugs. All right, I'm willing to entertain this just because everything else that's happened today has been profoundly retarded and surreal. Play the second email, Captain. Gotcha. Hey, it's me again, your supermodel wife, missing you. I was really craving chicken fingers earlier, but I wish chicken still existed. But yeah, kind of missing you, missing chickens and cows and meat in general, I guess. But I drank some Soylent earlier, and it was so good.

It was like this Fuji, like, it was like this Boba Soylent thing. It was super good. You're going to have to try it when you get back. I've been training my big butt, and it fits stuff in there now. I can fit, like, a, I don't know, like an orange or something. Something kind of like big, but like big for a girl too. So I don't really know. I feel like guys can fit more stuff in their butts.

Because they have a bigger hole probably. Does a guy have a bigger hole than a girl? I don't know, because I'm just a supermodel. That's all I do. I'm not a scientist like you and all your friends up there. I hope you're getting... I hope the crowd chamber is sucking all the semen out of you. Lord knows I'd be if I was up there.

But I think if it doesn't, your balls will probably get too big and you'll blow up from all the cum inside you. So it's just me, your supermodel wife. I ate a green bean today. I hope you're having a good day. I ate a green bean today. I hope you're having a good day. Well, the second video was, I guess, enlightening insofar as we know that not only is Smith's wife very sexually attractive, but she's also very sexually explorative and curious.

explorative and curious. So it seems that she has been able to put an orange in her butt. And she's even curious as to what a man could put in his. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I was hoping for some more clues. I don't hate that call. You know, it's lonely up here.

You gotta save something for the bank. You know what I mean? Yes, Captain, I understand. Yes, we understand, Captain, but I must... Yeah, I wish I was a bank! Smith, please, we're trying to solve the problem of what happened back home on Earth. Smith's supermodel wife said that she'd been drinking Soylent Boba. Soylent didn't have a boba flavor before we left for home.

Boba is a Chinese drink. Do you think it's possible that the Chinese replaced all of our loved ones with animals in syrups? That's a... Wow. You deduced all of that from just that video. Syrup is my favorite animal. Yeah, Smith,

we got it, brother. We got it, dude. Okay. Yeah. Honestly, British boy,

I think maybe if that's the best theory we've had so far, but there's, there's one, there's one thing left to one, one video left to play from Smith's supermodel wife that puts oranges in her butt um it's very short it's only 10 seconds long so uh maybe she'll give us some more clues as to what's going on back home hey it's me your supermodel wife look i just put all this um uranium in my butt

and it looks so cool. It's all yellow. Love it. See you soon. Oh my god. What are you thinking, co-captain? What are you thinking, co-captain, sir? How sleepy is four? I didn't know she had a butt quiet down now Smith

I think it's possible based off my deductions my expert level reasoning is co-captain that it's possible that nuclear war broke out nuclear war broke out nuclear war broke out between the United States and China

over Taiwan and soon the whole world was covered in smoldering dark unforgiving ash crops died animals died people died bugs died bugs? yes Smith even bugs and Bugs died. Bugs? Yes, Smith, even the bugs.

And a hundred years went by, two hundred years, three hundred years, four hundred years. And we didn't know what survived, but something did. The smartest Chinese man in the world. And the smartest Chinese man in the world with the smartest Chinese man in the world with nothing but time on his hands would do what to get back at the Americans and

the British for the opium wars and for Power Rangers and making them white he would make all of our loved ones in space syrup and polar bears and ants and buzzards. He would spare Smith's wife. Why? I'm not sure. But I think that the last person on the ship might have an answer. Oh, listen, man, we don't got it. Look, he... He was the only one of them left.

That's what we thought. We must go speak to the one Chinese man on the ship. All right, anybody want to go grab him? Smith, go grab the Chinese man. Is he right? He's too quick. I can't. Just go down to the dungeon where we keep all of the food. The space dungeon where we keep our rice. And go get the Chinese man.

Why would he be close to the rice? It's just, it's coincidental. Please don't accuse me of being any type of way. It's not real. I'm a normal man. I'm a PhD in astrophysics. Go get the Chinese man. Hey, Chinese man, come on, get up here.

What? What are you saying to me? I didn't know. I thought you would sound like, okay. What do you think I sound like? I don't know. I thought in the 500 years you would lose more of your accent, but that's okay. I may sleep.

Okay. Why you bring me to the top of ship? They're gonna, they wanna put syrup in your wife. That's not true. Listen. Mr. I don't think we ever got your name before we began working together. Tony.

Okay, Chinese Tony. Okay, Chinese Tony. What did you know that the chinese were up to when the rocket took off oh they tell me they're gonna blow up the whole world and replace your wife with power bear and they're gonna make captain wife and and they're gonna make british boy uh parent vulture and they're gonna make Smith wife keep her hot. Funny to do. And then make

Rodriguez, his wife, make her, yes, her up. Why? Funny to do it. No political goal, no economic destruction or domination or heralding in a multipolar world.

No, we Chinese do stuff like that. Really, what it is, it's super easy to make polar bear talk like white lady. It's super easy to make ant look like hand and pussy. The one I'm most confused about is syrup. But, you know, life's strange. Interesting.

Captain? Yes, sir? What messages do we have left? There's one message from the president. It's pretty long. But are we just going to accept that this is the case? That this is what this is? That the Chinese did this? Oh, it's not about accepting.

I'm telling you, we did it. Okay. Maybe the president can shed some light on this. That fool. You think he would know anything? He might know something. He went to college. He went to Texas State University in San Marcos, Texas.

The preeminent public school in Texas. I thought that was UT. No, everybody says that. But it's actually Texas State where my friend Jake went. He's the smartest, sexiest. I'm sure maybe at this point he's probably some sort of worm or perhaps a spatula. But yes, the president might have more answers. I don't know why you call him.

I tell you why. Just play that message from the president. If even to hear a familiar voice one last time all right here goes hello it's your boy black ass hitler and i've been chilling in this office for 499 years to be exact yeah it sucks being Hitler but it rules being black ass Hitler chilling

thrilling and acting like a villain no pure coincidence with the name but anyways I know a lot of fucked up shit been happening to y'all family and i don't care i heard that one dude's wife was syrup i stopped drinking syrup i ain't drinking nobody's wife that's street code i heard the one dude was his girl was a polar bear. I said, damn.

Remind me not to fuck a polar bear anytime soon. I mean, I probably wouldn't, but to begin with, the torso's so long. And their nipples is probably up on their stomach like a cat. Most likely. And we don't even know where. Antarticus is for sure. And I heard the other motherfucker. His wife is ants.

I thought damn. He be taking his wife out to a picnic. And he don't even know that shit. And then I heard. The other dude's wife was still hot as fuck, and she put an orange in her butt, and I heard that, and I thought, damn, remind me to not try to do that, I think I would hurt myself, and then if after I hurt myself, I would, it would hurt to poop, and I heard the other dude's wife was, I heard the other dude's wife was, the other dude was just Chinese, I think, and I thought,

damn, wonder what that's like, I always wanted to be with a Chinese wife, but I knew that I probably couldn't handle the verbal abuse. Do you think the president forgot about me and Debbie? Oh, right. Once again, I'm Black-ass Hitler. And I heard that other dude, the little British-ass boy, the little English-ass boy, the little bowl-cut, haircut, having-ass boy, with the little skinny-ass arms and the sullen look, the big-ass bags under the eyes looking-ass, little Timmy Tim Tim Tom looking-ass boy. I heard that he. His parents. Was buzzers as urds.

I heard that shit. And I went damn. Remind me not to. Get killed in traffic. Anytime soon. Or perhaps mauled to death. By lions. Or perhaps.

Killed by a tungsten rod. by the US government to kill me just flying through my roof out the other end of my ass while my daughter watches. Pause the videos now. When was this video sent captain? Uh, it says he mentioned 499 years ago so one year after we landed how could he have known that all of our loved ones would be polar bear and soup hot model um and that british boy's parents would be buzzards how could he have known do you think he could reverse it possibly have some sort of presidential time machine play Play the rest of the video stat.

All right, got it. So whenever you got a clog in your shower drain, what you got to do is don't be pouring Drano down there. Fast forward. Fast forward. I just want to know how to get my wife back. I just want to see. So whenever you trying to find the TV remote and you say.

No, no, no. Pause. Fast forward, bastard. All right, I'm just fast forwarding, man. And I tried intermittent fasting and that shit didn't work for me. God fucking damn it. Captain scrubbed in the last five minutes of the video. Maybe he left a clue there.

And that's why I don't like white walls no more. It's because you can't park no closer to the curbs. Anyway, like I said. About y'allall families y'all probably saying black hitler when did you learn about the syrup situation the wife situation etc all y'all gotta know is i've been getting money for the longest i've been had bankrolls y'all won't ever see i done been hitler for 5 000 years i remember the first time i ever put i would put the america chain on and i said okay you looking good fly boy and then i remember the first time I rode a bike The first time I ever learned how to iron a shirt

I remember the first time I ever ate a carrot I remember the first time I ever had to fight For a spot Whenever I went to the movie And they sold I bought all the tickets at the movies So that nobody sitting there. And one other dude.

Tried to sit in there for free. I said bitch I paid $1,700. For this movie theater. For this show in a Coraline. You gonna come up in here. Act like you gonna watch a movie with me. Bitch get the fuck up out of here. With your fucking crutches.

Get your crutches out of the movie theater. You're going to go back in the lobby. You're going to get your own movie theater, you piece of fuck. You piece of fuck. Pause, pause. Captain, pause. Okay. President Black-ass Hitler must know a way to restore our families.

If he knew all along, and he's capable of understanding our current situation in his time, and he's somehow acutely aware of the reality of this ship, then it must be the case that President Black-ass Hitler could bring Captain's wife back to him. Could bring Rodriguez's wife back to him. Could bring Rodriguez's wife back. Could bring my wife back. Maybe could even introduce British boy to his own parents. Is there anything you want, Chinese man? I'm not good.

Alright, that's fine. Cool. Smith, you don't really need anything Your wife's still hot I need a towel I just got out of the shower Put my clothes back on and they're wet Did you feel this was an appropriate time to shower

While President Blackass Hitler is on? I didn't have There's no shower down there I've been waiting a while, sorry So how did you get... What did you do to get wet, Smith? I got stinky. Okay.

Fine. Captain. Play the rest of the video. Hopefully Black-Ass Hitler can press a button and return us all back to the way we were before we joined this wretched journey and that's why I think white women

shouldn't be allowed to learn how to do tattoos cause now I got this shitty ass stick and poke in exchange for some horrible head and that shit say this shit supposed to be Arthur smoking a blunt this shit look like this shit look supposed to be Arthur smoking a blunt this shit look like

this shit look like Terry Crews this is supposed to be Arthur from the show why the fuck he got a goatee on it was supposed to be Arthur author from the show author okay big ass polo shirt on author from the show author okay

big ass polo shirt on that shit is short sleeve this bitch ain't never watched Arthur I got an idea guys alright look I have a feeling that President Black ass Hitler might still be alive because he has some sort of way of knowing things that are outside of his

sort of window of physical space-time. So, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I'm going to hit the video call button from this email address, blackasshitler at gmail.com. And if he picks up, maybe he can zap us back, and all lives will be the way they were, you know? I would hope so. That's a good idea, Captain.

That's a good idea, Captain. That's a good idea, Captain. Yeah, I mean, that's fine. Are you not sleeping anymore, Rodriguez? No, I've been sleeping a long ass night. I'm good. Okay, good to hear. Smith. Hey!

How's it going? I still don't know how you got so wet. There's no water on this ship. Yeah. I don't want to ask any more questions. Okay, Captain. Yeah, that's me. You sounded just like me there for a second, Co-Captain.

Yeah, I don't know how that happened. Yeah, I don't know. This is pretty weird. Anyway, yeah, let me go ahead and hit the call button for BlackAssHitler at gmail.com. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, of Pimpin, Black-Ass Hitler, and to whom do I preside? Oh my god. Guys, guys, guys. He answered.

He answered. Hey, listen. It's Captain. I'm here with Co-Captain Johnson. I'm here with Second Mate Smith, First Mate Rodriguez, British Boy of the Ship, and Chinese Tony. Listen. Everybody's been turned to animals by the Chinese, and Rodriguez's wife is syrup. Sizzurp, you say.

How did you know all this, A, and B, can you get us back to Earth? Look, I'll answer one question at a time. I knew what was going on because I'm the president. And so for me to know shit is very easy. I watch a lot of stuff on YouTube on how to learn. And sometimes whenever I'm watching YouTube, my partners will send me videos and say, Hey, you got to watch this from the State Department of Intelligence. And I'll say, alright, I was going to find all that shit on YouTube anyway.

And they say, no, you have the highest level of security clearance in the country. You do not have to go digging. We'll tell you, there are things you can know that we can't you know say that's what's up so basically i learned a lot about that shift through linkedin and facebook but uh i did a little bit of a plan with china keep this between us well i got ten thousand dollars and they got access to all the information in the world and they were also allowed to bomb the united states and they could do evil experiments on all the citizens but i got ten thousand dollars i spent all that shit on like I got me a old Buick, and then I got me some, uh, some new clothes, I got, I got my mama a new hair dryer, and I got some laundry done at the laundromat,

and I got I went to I went to I believe I went to either In-N-Out or Whataburger twice and then I ran out of money and I asked if I could sell all the information and turn the country over to China again

and they said it was like they threw me another 500 bucks. You sold out your own country for $10,500? So far. I intend to ask other countries maybe if they can bomb us and destroy us and see if I can get another maybe $2,000 or $3,000. Black-ass Hitler, i ask of you one thing

i'll give you upon return to earth and upon embracing my beautiful wife i will give you fifteen thousand dollars and a Batgirl

flashlight lightly used if you can undo all the damage the Chinese has done with your black ass Hitler whoopsie daisy button I would do all that for 14 for sure

but let me see can I call them call who Chinese Chinese president his name is his name is Beijing Johnson

yeah if you must call Beijing Johnson just put him on a three-way call. I don't know. He has a Huawei phone, I think. I don't know if they connect to iPhone three-way calls. So I don't know if it's going to be a thing where I have to message him separately. Or I have to call him and text you guys. Do you mind if I call him and I text you guys?

Or actually, I think I'll text him and I'll stay on the call with you guys so we don't get disorganized. Okay. Okay, I just texted him. I said, hey, big booty, can you stop? And can you stop doing that to the country? And what did he say, man? What did he say? It still shows he's typing.

That Beijing Johnson, he typed slow as hell. And we're doing it on Telegram. So it's all confusing because I keep opening Instagram on accident when I get the notifications I just got a notification that a big booty gentleman just messaged me and I gotta decline that shit again

I hate it when big booty guys keep messaging me trying to see me wearing different types of dresses it's Beijing Johnson sir alright oh my god I just opened a picture wearing different types of dresses. It's Beijing Johnson, sir. All right. Oh, my God. I just opened a picture on Instagram. It's Beijing Johnson in a sundress.

And he's got his sundress lifted up. And he's got it written on his butt like he's one of Lil B's sex slaves. And it says, written on his butt like he's one of Lil B's sex slaves and it's got it says you get country back USA for $300

all bombs reversed and no more radiation $300 where the hell are we gonna find that I just offered you $15 you You countered with $14. And then for some reason, Beijing Johnson countered with $300. I don't think you people understand the art of the deal.

Please just tell me. No, we got to. So you got to give me the $14. I'll give $300 to him. And then I still got $14 left. Fine. I'm cash-shapping you14 left. Fine. I'm cash shapping it to you right now. I'm cash shapping you $15,300.

Okay, well it's going to take out fees if I do instant transfer on that. I'll send you $15,355. Alright, perfect. I hit two to three days. Let me see if I can expedite that.

Yeah, I always forget my cash at P.M. Oh, we got it. Okay, now I'm going to send the money to him. He just got it. He sent back a wink emoji. He's so funny. He says says no more bombs i just removed all radiation from your country and all the syrup ladies and everything is back to normal and he said by the way it's been an honor working with you And thank the guys up in space for them being up there for 500 years. And then we're going to send their wives up there to give them a kiss later.

I can't believe it. Fellas, we did it. We did it. Hey, we fucking did it. I fucking. We made it. Smith. I guess you they ain't. Smith. Yeah!

I guess you may just be excited. I love it! We've got another one last message from Pendejo Time. Guys, do you know what this is? No. Ah, they're selling out! Yeah, it says, as your captain's speaking, it says, if you've enjoyed this,

if you've enjoyed this space adventure brought to you by Paramount Pictures, expect this out in theaters pretty soon. This is The Big Space Caper written by Paul Thomas Anderson and directed by Jared Fogleel and it will be out pretty soon and the way that movie gets crowdfunded is if you go to patreon.com slash pendejo time he tosses five bucks a month that gets the movie into like pre-production okay um you get access

to all the bonus episodes uh backlog of bonus episodes and access to the discord it's a really cool place people get hired in there. People get fired in there, and people sell their bodies in there. I don't know. $10 a month, that gets us actually shooting the movie. $10 a month gets you access to all the backlog of video episodes,

plus the bonus episodes, plus the Discord. And then $50 a month, you can direct the movie with Jared Fogle. You don't get anything else other than those bonus points, but you get to hang out with the subway guy. He's a close personal friend of Thomas'.

They've been friends most of Thomas' life. Actually, they became friends when Thomas was around six or seven. Yeah, I was his personal trainer. Yeah. So, yeah, go ahead and subscribe to that shit. And if you came to the Chicago show and you're a freebie listener, thanks a fucking billion. That was a blast and a half.

We got some more sweatshirts coming. If you are not a sub, we're going to sell some merch. Some more merch over there, too. By the way, we've got some more shows in the works for next year. Maybe the fucking Big Fapple. Who knows? Yeah. Also, if you ordered a shirt in this first little run i'm gonna have

some out tomorrow probably a third of them or so and then uh i should have all of them out uh by monday at least out for delivery so hopefully everybody gets their shirt by the end of next week is what i'm hoping for. Thank you guys for supporting. Yeah, you guys are badass. I'm glad the space guys made it back home and everybody's wife was normal. Alright, bye. Bye.