Pendejo Time - backyard brawlers

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

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I am a man who charges iPhone. I've seen trouble on my phone. That's oh brother where art thou iPhone. You know that one? Oh Apple where iPhone. Oh Elon where meme. Yeah, that's really... That's a good way to kick off the show, I gotta say. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't think... You know, we gotta start off strong. You know, the whole skit I had planned,

that we were gonna act out the choreography and all that, I guess that just goes in the fucking bin. You know? The bin? Yeah, I guess it all goes in the bin. In the bin. You've been hanging out with your fucking limey. You've been hanging out.

You told me you were going to become British this year. Yeah. Well, that's a bunch of rubbish, honestly, because if you think that just because I am in college and I'm doing really cool stuff with my, you know, the all the you know, I know a lot of stuff that I don't even feel like telling you. Because you don't feel comfortable with it. Would just fucking run over me with that shit and, like, put it in my face. Like, push it out of my, take it out of my mind. You know what I mean? Well, I was thinking, like.

You would just rub it all over. You would just, you know, you just rub it on people's faces. Mm-hmm. Yeah. When stuff is wrong with people, you just rub it on their face. Yeah, I love that you do because you're one of those bigwig guys now. Yeah, I'm kind of just not fundamentally a good person, and I take things out on people.

If I'm in a bad mood, I have to violently sort of assault and reprimand and chastise and belittle those around me. It's why everyone that I meet says, man, I really like spending time with you. I'm just sort of like an evil guy, you know? Like, nothing about me is good. But that's cool. It's okay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

When do you think we're going to get our first president who has a BBL? Well, so here's the thing. Like, I really, truly, for real believe that, like, if not Marjorie Taylor Greene, somebody like her, that's going to be the first woman president. It's not going to be like a Hillary or an AOC. It's not going to be like a hugs and kisses liberal or like a woman power, you know, type progressive ish person or whatever. It's going to be like one of those,

uh, like Republican ladies that like, that gives hand jobs and likes, um, hunting rifles. You know what I mean? Like that's who it's going to be. And so I,

I don't think she'll have a BBL because the ideal conservative, like bombshell body type is, like, huge, massive cans and kind of, like, a man's jawline and then just no ass. That's, like, what, you know, that's what, um, that's what, like, shit kickers and yee-yee guys like. We can move past that then. We gotta get to the BBLs. Where do we see that? Do we ever see a BBL president or do they fall out of fashion before that becomes a thing? I feel like we come back to a new BBL president later down the line, but by then BBLs look more natural.

I think the way the country's going, I'm serious when I say you could get a tit job president, like some big bolt-ons. You could 100% get a titty job president. No doubt. BBL, they're going out of style. I want to answer two of your questions. Yeah, but going out of style in the media. People are getting that shit removed. in the media people are getting that shit removed yeah but there's it's a worldwide phenomenon where i feel like there's you know there's too there's too much propaganda going on you know what i mean

i don't disagree with you but what i am saying is is that before we get bbl president we're gonna get fake boobies and of our like crossfit um right wing lady president that's fake tits are like a purse now it It means nothing, though. I understand. And I completely agree with you. But I also believe that right now we're going back to the late 90s, early 2000s, where like everybody wants to be real thin. All the curvy is beautiful shit.

That's gone. Kim K got rid of her BBL. She's on Ozempic. She's got a six pack. She's on the Anovar. She's wearing fucking sports bras You know with her titties out No more big beautiful Like butt cheek type ladies

That shit's over and done We're back to like huge cans Like size zero waist And then like no cheek Like huge cheekbones It's kind of like where we were at before 9-11 In terms of aesthetics For both men and women

I mean obviously aside from the fake tits, of course. So I think you'll get fake titty president probably in the next 10 years, maybe 15. And then I'll give you this. Fake titty president, she does four years. In the time it takes for us to get there, and then for her to serve bbls will come back maybe in like another 15 say you know fashion and body modification is in 20 year cycles like

everything else so like 2044 i think you'll see bbl president i think more likely it's a gay uh gay black guy with a BBL. Oh, interesting. See, I was thinking just ladies. I wasn't really thinking, ah, wow. Yeah, no, I didn't think about that. I see where you're coming from. Conservative. Now, I still think it'll be conservative.

I think it'll be one of those, like, sassy conservative gay guys, like a Christian Walker type. But conservative gay guys are always like, I'm not that kind of gay guy And they're just Right Very vaguely They're like I'm I'm a straight gay guy

I fuck Yeah Other straight men that look Yeah Straight but are also gay It's like the Dave Rubin Christian Walker is a little bit different But

I think he's a content creator I'm thinking about like Dave Rubin types Milo says that he's straight now He went to conversion camp But I don't think that stuff is real Nor does it take Content creator. I'm thinking about like Dave Rubin types. Milo says that he's straight now. He went to conversion camp, but I don't think that stuff is real, nor does it take. So I'm pretty sure he's probably still a gay guy, but he doesn't have the sauce to be president. He's too whiny.

He doesn't have the fucking juice, the panache. So I'm with you. I'm with you. I think I still think you get big fake titty president before BBL president. But I will say that I think BBL president is probably not too far off, maybe three or four presidents worth of time, assuming, you know, there's not like a bunch of assassinations back to back or whatever. Now, you could parlay that shit. You could put all of it on Trump getting a BBL like two weeks before he wins in November. You know what I mean?

Which I think is not a bad idea. You know, if not a BBL, I think he is on Ozempic. Maybe he gets some shit moved around. Guys get that stuff done. You know, take a bunch of fat from your thighs and like put it in your shoulders. So it just kind of looks like you have some sort of taper thing going on. Put it like in your taint. Yeah, you get a big ass taint.

So your penis sits further up front? Yeah, you get like a fupa, but your dick rides it like a big ocean wave. I want a taint so big that my balls sit above my penis, vertically speaking. Okay, so you want to have a gooch that allows your nuts to sit forward. I want my gooch to push up to where my balls look like the two jet engines. You know what I mean? Okay, and then your dick kind of sits off to the side like a hammer toe? Yeah, we could almost get rid of it, honestly. Okay, well, I don't think we should do that.

I do like the idea, though, of your dick kind of curving around the fat set of your nuts under a fatter gooch. Yeah, I want all the fat taken out of my penis and balls and put in my gooch. And then I want to get the line taken out of my butt, and I want to put it on my mouth. Okay, well, now we're just talking nonsense, but I see what you're saying. I'm being dead serious. Why would I lie to you about something like that? It's, like, really serious

and, like, something that's been on my mind for a while and then I fucking try and tell you anything and you just say some bull crap. Oh, well, that doesn't even make any sense. That's like a fucking... Like a dolphin tried to say it or something and I'm like, that... Shut up.

I guess my concern is, like, are you going to have to get a bigger seam? Like, I need a bigger radiator for the van. If you get big gooch, you've got to get a bigger nut seam, like a tougher one. One that's designed for performance. You know what I mean? Like, it can't just be the normal seam on the nut that connects the two halves of the sack. It's got to be, like, Kevlar sewn or some shit. Just because if you go big...

I'd just get like a new stitch done on the inside. Yeah, yeah, okay. So you want it to still be streamlined and big. Yeah, it would look seamless. You couldn't tell that it was expanded or anything. But yes. Okay. Nice. It's all good

Yeah no So you're saying Big nutsack scene But streamlined Like a Yes What I was saying So yes

There's a few different ways To look at it You know in terms of streamlining the whole process. I think another option was possibly just getting rid of the gooch entirely. Okay. You know, just so it goes straight from butt to, what's it called, genitals. Okay. So just asshole and then your nutsack. Okay. from butt to, what's it called, genitals. Oh, okay. So just asshole and then your nutsack.

Okay. Yeah. That way. Cut out the middleman. Yeah, when people have vaginas and stuff. Yeah. And they wipe, then they could do an all-in-one motion all in the same place. Just straight back to front.

Yeah, I like that. I like that. For guys, what that would eliminate, I think, is that if you're a back-to-front wiper, you wouldn't be at so much risk of getting shit on your nuts if you had no tanning, you just lifted the nuts and then wiped your ass. Yeah, or we could just do one hole

in the middle mmm cloaca okay yeah yeah two cloacas where she comes out of both of them and uh both of them can ejaculate also that's pretty badass that'd be sick i actually i would probably be embarrassed to do that out of urinal. Yeah, I mean, I, yeah, that's not good. But I think, back to your original question, because I can't stop thinking about it. Everybody always is like, oh, the first woman president. Like, I guess we oh the first woman president like i guess we had the first black president um some people i guess have expressed that they don't count barack because

i think some people were like when are we going to get our first president you know what i mean like our first like soul brother yeah but but you know barack is an african-American gentleman, so he got it. But I am interested in what does the first lady president look like? To me, it's like a bober. It's going to be like a bober type. I stand by that. Yeah, like what if she has big feet? Yeah, it's going to be such a good- And she has webbed toes.

She's super Irish. Polish-American, super inbred, slob. What if she has the lunch lady arms? That'd be sick. And then when kids come up, they just grab them, squeeze them. Well, dude, that would be sick. But I really think that it has to be somebody that conservative guys would want to fuck at a dive bar called Big Mike's Ice House. Like, it has to be somebody that in order for these guys to vote for them and look past the lady thing, they cannot be busted.

They also can't be too hot. You know what? They have to be kind of like Biker lady hot If that makes sense You know what I mean I don't think it's inherently conservative To want a woman of any kind To be arrested No that's what I'm saying

I'm saying in the end they would still like Whoever her VP is Who's some kind of gray Guy I think they would rather her be VP so they can stare at her and then she be present they're like thank god

yeah we didn't put some fucking broad she's in the White House isn't that great we're progressive too and she gets to mop and stuff well I've been watching like a lot of the like interviews with um you know like

bobert and marjorie taylor green and stuff and that's the that i could see that happening maybe before a full-blown lady president like because we because with biden and kamala there's no swag he doesn't really know like um like plane he's on, like reality wise. And Kamala is fucking chopped up off Benzo's constantly. So if you have kind of like a gray, you know, Christian conservative guy kind of down the middle and then his VP is like a feisty, you know, like cool suburban alcoholic wine mom conservative. you know like cool suburban alcoholic wine mom conservative i could see that doing big ass numbers in this country uh primarily because every conservative trusts a gray dying christian man it's like their grandpa you know what i mean like that's kind of yeah every every every guy that's like i i i just want to have a beer with them they just want to have a beer with their dad or their grandpa. So have that guy. The VP can be, you know, the girl that they, like,

knocked up at Arizona State University and she got an abortion. Like, she shotguns beers, you know what I mean? And she does CrossFit. And, you know, like, she says cunt. But she also goes to church. You know what I mean? Like, the type of mom that would start a fist fight at a T-ball game, but then go to church on Sunday,

early service. That's the kind of, I think lady that we could have running the country or at least like assistant running the country in like less than 20 years, you know, plenty of them, you know what I mean? Like,

yeah. Or even like, it'd be like a little girl. I don't, maybe even like a little girl. I don't. Maybe even like a little boy. Imagine like. Like a conservative baby? Yeah.

Conservative baby? Yeah, I don't like them either. He says it like it is. Yeah, I don't like them either. He says it like it is. Yeah, they stink. I don't like seeing them. I would vote for a 35-year-old conservative soft boy. What do you think about that? Me saying stuff like that.

Do you like when I say stuff like that, Jake? Yeah, I mean, as a 30-year-old soft boy, I could really identify with other soft boys, regardless of their political affiliation. It's such a cool term, such a cool thing to call yourself. Yeah, it's such a cool thing to call yourself. I feel like it's fun to call yourself something like that if you're a gay guy, but even if you're a gay guy, you gotta be like fucking 19 to call yourself that. Yeah, it's really one of those things that you can't, you're struggling to get away with it past maybe 22.

As soon as that hairline scoots back a centimeter, you can't be a... Like, if you want to be an E-boy, that's fine. Or you want to be like a soft boy or whatever the fuck those words mean anymore. That's cool with me. I just... I want to be like a soft boy or whatever the fuck those words mean anymore. That's cool with me.

I just want to be like a suck boy. Honestly, we're like I'd like I care about my feelings and stuff. I want to be like a hard. I want to be a hard boiled egg. I just want to be like a hard boiled egg from 7-Eleven. The ones that you get in the to go cups. That's what I want to be. I just want to be like a kind of a spongy food poisoning style snack you know

some people like it but one thing's for sure it will make you sick uh what if uh the guy who was gonna be the president just had to do the craziest stunts and they just had to it was like the president battle was like a stunt battle you know what i mean where it's's like, oh, my God, Joe Biden just stuck a fucking iron rod through his hand. Okay. So like a jackass style determined like a. Yeah. Or like Donald Trump. He just.

He hit a 900 like in Tony Hawk. Yeah. Or. Yeah. Like Jill Stein just like put a banana in her butt. You know know like crazy Stuff like that Or like maybe

Dirt bike stuff maybe Yeah like Oh like Travis Pastrana But like Donald Trump does A double backflip At the Boom Boom Hug Jam

Or whatever the fuck The Nitro Circus Yeah It'd be funny You know John McCain Back in his day He goes to sit on a dirt bike And his arms are already

In dirt bike position. He just sits down. Yeah. He's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. He's at the club and he's always doing this one, like just revving the engine. You know, I do think it is. I remember thinking this, like being on the bus, like heading downtown when I was in college

and like people like throwing up on their was in college and like people are like throwing up on their shoes and stuff and like snapchatting it and shit like and instagramming stuff i'm like it's gonna be really um fun to watch like our generation's like run for big office like because like the george santos like everybody had footage of him and like posts of his where he was just lying saying that like his mom died 9 11 or that his name was like ricardo evangelista or he was like a drag queen princess he's really the first millennial politician like to me like completely full of shit absolutely no principles just wants attention that's going to be basically like everybody, I feel,

in the next 10 years or so. Imagine you trying to run for mayor and all of this stuff exists. Sweep. Clean sweep everybody. Me? Oh. Oh, I, what, I got arrested? Oh, turns out I haven't paid taxes in a few years

Okay You make some points What else Oh I've never been Good to most people I've known Okay well you got me there Not good at having a job Alright that's fair

Not very good with money You trying to make a point or something Incredible Oh I have a propensity for substance abuse Wow Not that many friends With money? You trying to make a point or something? Incredible. Oh, I have a propensity for substance abuse? Wow. Not that many friends? I'm bad at the things that I consider myself good at. Hated by a lot of people in this town?

Yeah. None of the cars that I buy or drive work correctly. Basically, everything that is paperwork I need for the government is expired, and I refuse to get any more of it renewed. I didn't know. Apparently, the city passed a law against hung-ass, lit white boys. Okay. Yeah, I heard about that.

Yeah, they said if it's longer than five and a half inches soft, you just straight up can't live in Fort Worth anymore. They make you move to Lexington. Yeah, they made a new law, and they said that you have to be a liberal here now. Mm-hmm. Liberals make me so mad. Something I decided earlier. Something I decided like 40 minutes ago.

Yeah, I decided that libs piss me off, and I'm going to start owning them on that computer. Yeah, today we we were at like working at this guy's house mm-hmm he's like a retired police officer or whatever but mm-hmm I was just working on his flower bed that wasn't you know having sex with him yeah I wasn't you know I mean I didn't like the guy or anything but he he she was opened up his garage to show us the cars he was working on. They were so sick, dude. Yeah, yeah.

He had like a 1947 fully restored old Ford truck. And he had an MG. Okay. It's like an old British car maker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was from like 78 or something. It was like cherry red. He'd like rebuilt

all this shit on it. I just remember thinking like, like looking at these two beautiful vehicles and I look up and there's like a giant thin blue line flag in the garage.

I'm like, would I trade it? Would I trade it all? Look back and have this MG in my second garage and I go no disrespect to this man i mean well some yeah yes for sure yeah you know what i mean like i you know it sucks that i think i i think i'm fine with just ending up you know probably just i'll probably just drive like a

honda civic or whatever forever which is fine you know what I mean? Like, it is what it is. I mean, I'll be honest. Like, I would, like, if the opportunity presented itself and it was pretty clear cut and dry, somebody was like, hey, you can have, like, all the cool cars you've ever wanted, and you could, like, you know, have money and stuff. But you have to, like, go on, like, Joe Rogan podcast, and you have to say, like, not Rogan podcast And you have to say like Not all cops are bad I probably would just

There's a big difference Between Saying that And being a police officer For like 30 years Oh I thought you meant Like just saying That they're cool

No just saying That they're cool No yeah I would do I would do that For Yeah yeah I would do that For about $10,000

I'd probably do it for about $10,000. I'd probably do it for two, if I'm being honest, because I think that's how much it's going to cost to get the radiator replaced. You do that for $2,000? To say cops are good? You would fully switch sides? Oh, no, I thought you just meant say it on a podcast one time. No, to fully switch sides, I think, would take a little bit more than that, yeah.

I mean, I would say that now. It's just a funny thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. My name is Thomas White and I fully support all members of law enforcement. Yeah. And I hope that none of them blow up. Yeah.

I'm glad none of them blow up. And if they blow up, it is the opposite of it's the opposite of because of me. I hope nobody has because of other people. And's because of other people, and it's so, it's cruel that it happens. It's cruel. I, my neighbor was a cop for a long time. God, I hope he didn't get blown up. And, no, he didn't get blown up, but he would tell me all these stories about like i was like 12 so i just believed him but he would be like oh yeah you know i

um we went and did a raid the other day and he's one of those like old guys it's like just completely full of shit but he's like an old cop so no one ever like questions him at least to his face you know what i mean like just one of those like you one of your one of your parents friends that's a man a dad and everything he says is just 100 dog shit but like he lets you drink at his house and he's your dad's friend so and you're 12 so you're not gonna be like hey dude i think you're fucking lying to everybody right now or whatever and he used used to say like, oh, yeah, you know, you know, we just last week, you know, we kicked the door in a trap house of Scott Street in Houston. Raided it. Fucking.

I took down fucking two guys and, you know, got all the money, got all the drugs, threw it in the evidence locker, done and dusted. And we fucking prosecuted him. And they're looking at serious jail time. And at 12, I was like, oh, that's how that stuff works. He was just like a cop in Harris County. I was like, they let you do that stuff if you're just a normal cop. I didn't understand, like, they have narc teams, you know. Like, I knew what SWAT was, but I just thought, like, if you wanted to do SWAT,

you would just be like, I'm going to go do SWAT later. Like, the way that if you work in a kitchen and in your own fryer and they need somebody to wash dishes, you just do that. Yeah. Then I got older and I later found out that he just wrote traffic tickets and just had a bunch of excessive force charges on him and his record. He didn't do any of that stuff, which i should have just assumed was true but he was my neighbor and my parents friend and i was 12 so i was like oh this guy's badass i know a

cool cop by the way the stories that i thought were cool were the ones where he would clearly like if they were true he's just doing like severe bodily harm to people yeah i pulled this guy over he got a fucking attitude with me i pulled him pulled his pulled him out slapped him and i'd be like that's awesome i can't wait to do that. And I meant it because I was 12. And when you're 12, that's like right when you stop thinking that being a cop is like a cool job, you know? Like that's like an 8 to 11-year-old thing.

But yeah, I ended up being just like a normal piece of shit and not like a cool John Wick-style cop. I don't think there are any of those. I mean, maybe. No, I think there are. I've seen some roided up ones who are pretty fucking stout. I was downtown the other day. I was doing stand-up and I was walking back.

And all the police horse riders, they were in a circle. Like a full circle. In the middle of the road uh and for those of you who are not familiar or you're not from towns where they do this austin has um horseback police which is really fucked up to me to make the horses do that but it is what it is um the horses love it yeah they're they're really racist yeah they love they're on the power trip. They were in, like, a full circle, and then in the middle of the circle,

a cop just had a guy on the ground with his knee, like, in his back. Clearly, like, a homeless guy, or maybe just, like, a drunk guy, or maybe, like, a homeless drunk guy. I don't know. And they were just kind of, like, lording over this scene or whatever, and, you know, the cop's, like, beating the shit out of him. Not beating the shit out of him, but, and um you know the cops like beating the shit out not beating the shit out of him but like you know clearly being aggressive with the dude and i was just thinking i was like man these guys get paid like more than teachers you know and

then these like the job that you get is like i'm gonna ride a horse around town and watch my friend beat the shit out of a homeless like it's 1888 in like frontier texas you know what i mean like that type of like it's it doesn't it it doesn't compute that the same stuff that they did like 140 years ago is they just do it now but now you have iphones and shit like it's the same you know like yeah hey what do you what'd you do last week for work oh me and my friends got on horses and we sit in a circle and watched our other friend Taze, a homeless man. That's awesome. What do you do? Are you some sort of fucking time-traveling outlaw? No, I'm a cop.

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Meals is offering 50% off with code PENDEJO50. P-E-N-D-E-J-O-50. Thank you. Thanks. What if you broke through the circle and there was a rap battle going on? Between

the sheriff and the PD? Between a a brother and like a white guy. Like a white cop and a black cop? Yeah. And then like there was like crazy lighting and stuff. And like sweat. Like glinting off everybody, you know. It's like euphoria lighting. Like kind of a purplish bluish haze over everything.

Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, damn. And the horses are like kind of swaying. It looks like euphoria lighting, like kind of a purplish-bluish haze over everything. Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, damn. And the horses are like kind of swaying, so it looks like curtains almost. Yeah. And the horses are bobbing their heads to the beat. Yeah. 808s, yeah. Are anybody's abs exposed?

Yeah, everybody's, even the horses. Even the horses have just sweet apex? Okay, cool. Yeah. But they're under the body okay so you can't you can just make them out under the yeah you can see if you look under them you'll see yeah okay okay cool cool i don't know what i would do in that situation i've never you can see all their ribs too and their spines oh okay so they're malnourished and uh yeah you

can see all their teeth okay so they don't are gone. No, they're just smiling because they're happy. Because they're having a dope-ass time. They're in incredible shape. They're happy because they haven't eaten. They're happy because they're downtown Austin. They look great. And they're watching a rap battle between a black police officer and a white police officer. And everybody's shirtless.

Who do you think would win in a fight, a white guy or a black guy? I'm not. I not going to say this. Jake took so long to answer. I think he's racist. No, I like this was a topic of argument that would occasionally come up in like your stupid like bro arguments. But like I always felt that and I don't think it's racist if it's a compliment i straight up do think black guys are just naturally better at fighting than white guys like they just they just better at it like i don't know it's just i've just never it's always was assumed that in

high school like if i saw two guys going at it this goes goes for Hispanic dudes, too. Like, it's just we're not very obviously there are a lot of white guys who are awesome at fighting, but coming out the womb ready to scrap. The only white guys who come out the womb ready to run it are like Irish guys and maybe Slavs like Irish and like Russians and Poles. But just like us, you know, like Euros, like Western Euro guys? No, no, no, no, no, no good. Yeah. At least in my opinion. But like black guys are just naturally better, I think, at fighting. So I would probably say just two normal-ass dudes,

nobody knows any training, I'd probably go. Like same size, same build, same reach, probably go black guy. You know what I mean? That's interesting that you said that. What do you think about that question? I think both races lose just by fighting. The best answer would be if they both just talked it out. But you just went, oh, okay, race war time.

That's a big problem in society now. That's what we jump straight to. It's, oh, oh well we have to fight turns out we never had to fight yeah yeah something something a little knowledge is dropping on your white no i i respect it i mean i respect that opinion but uh but uh if it wasn't that i'd probably say black guy yeah yeah yeah well like i don't i i i do believe that um if stereotypes are like nice then it's fine to say them. You know, like, you know, when people.

I'm going to start getting my ass whooped by Asian guys to help fight the stereotypes. That's a very, very, very good point, because. I know some of them can fight. I've known Asian dudes who can fight well. Yeah. Well, the stereotype is that they can't. But the only way to break it is we go out in public or something, and I just get whooped. Oh, okay, you get your ass whooped by that. No, no, because I don't know.

I mean, the whole stop Asian hate thing, that was just black guys doing that. Yeah. Which is fine. We've done our fair share, you know, so we can't be too critical. Right, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was, it was, everybody stop beating up these Asians.

You're all doing it. All you programmers in Oakland need to stop beating up the Asians. Yeah. But it's all right. I remember, like, in high school, we would all go, like, we would, well, not everybody, but, like, my circle of friends and, like, other other similar types of guys we would go to each other's houses and drink beer and smoke cigarettes and then we would box you know um that was like we started doing it in like seventh grade and it just carried on it was like our idea of a good

time and it was fun and i really enjoyed it um and being you know in a predominantly hispanic area and then just a normal guy without like i guess insane amounts of prejudice um just a normal amount i guess uh you know you have your white trash guys and then you have your fucking brothers and then you have you know the body old guy you know um and it was clear as crystal that like just nobody really like I had started boxing, I guess, when I was like 14 or 15. But just normal, like out the gate, it was like white guys get whooped every Saturday. That's just that's just the way that it is. You know, we bring we steal our dad's beer. And so our contribution to the hang is like, you know, stolen cigarettes and stolen bush light and like crown apple and then like Adderall.

And that's what we bring. And then, you know, the black gentleman and the Hispanic gentleman, they bring the gloves because, you know, I just wouldn't have the white guys never brought them. I don't know why. gloves because I you know I just wouldn't have the white guys never brought them I don't know why it was always a gym bag of someone's older brother that was a boxer back in the day we had like six pairs of gloves and we would also put them on beat the shit out of each other and I quickly realized that like yeah you know in a hierarchy in terms of just sheer strength and spirit and fighting prowess it's not our thing man I I guess we're into stock options and stuff. We're into writing sonnets.

We're into ballads. We're into making movies that piss you off and make you think too much. That's where we're at. Mexicans fight really good when they got a hoodie on. I don't know what it is about those hoodies. Yes, and I will say too, do you know how impressive it is, at least to me, to fight incredibly well with skin-tight jeans that you're also sagging?

Do you know what I'm saying? Like the kinds that the Mexican guys wear. When you're sagging skin-tight, washed distressed denim over foam posits or like jordans and you're just throwing them and like slipping and ripping that to me is like they need to have a ufc for that like i mean i guess they do. That's the backyard fight. That's the fucking... Street beef. Street beef. That's what that is. But, like, yeah.

Like, anybody can fight in fucking boxing shorts. You know, you got range of motion. You can move around. Get into a fist fight and win when you're wearing fucking skin-tight, acid-wash Levi's that start, the waist is at your mid-die. And you're wearing ill-fitting Jordans see how good you box then um that always was I was like damn these guys they just got it you know what I mean yeah um and uh that was cool it was like a cool thing to go around but the problem

is and I don't know if you ever experienced this. I guess we ran in similar circles or whatever types of guys. But, like, I got so accustomed to that that when I, like, I guess when I went to college and, like, I first started, like, going to places like parties and stuff, I was still in that mode. And I was like, when do we start, like, boxing? I was, like, 18 or whatever. People were like, what? And I was like, yeah, you know, like, anybody got gloves?

And we would start beating the shit out of each other. People were like, oh, we're just trying to smoke weed and listening to Kid Cudi. And I was like, I mean, yeah, we've been doing that, though. When do we start? When does... I'm just trying to get the shit kicked out of me. You know, you guys like to do that? And they were like, no.

I don't know why you'd like to do that. So I kind of missed out on, like, keeping that going into my 20s but to a point we were trying to talk about earlier it's like saying you're a soft boy when you're 25 and also being a guy who like boxes his friends in the backyard when he's drunk when he's 25 even yeah both of those guys are so different guys one of them a propensity for whiny pacifism and the other one a propensity for um needless violence both of the other one a propensity for needless violence both of them you can't be doing that past a certain age if that makes sense

you know what I mean like they're drastically different loadouts of men but just not really acceptable behavior past a certain point yeah I think there's a certain honor in fighting your friends in the backyard that we've lost as a society.

I seriously, unironically believe that. That is like one of my, like, do you have a conservative? I don't even know if that's conservative, but I really feel like I'm serious. I kind of feel like we need to go back to that. You know, I just, some of the the i don't think it makes it makes you any tougher i don't believe in any of that like we need to we need men to fight it's just fun to do it's fun to get to have like seven to ten bush lights and just glove up and beat the piss out of your boys or get the piss beat out of you and i feel like if we if we did more that maybe people

would have less panic attacks like like at Chili's or whatever. Or they'd be less scared to order food. You know what I mean? People that are like, we're going to do the guillotines. They're always the people who get scared doing public speaking classes in college. You've got to get past that. And the way you get past that is you listen to Cedar in the garage with your friends. And you guys all beat the shit out of each other until one of you gets heat stroke.

That's the kind of masculinity that I want to bring back. You know what I mean? Yeah, we used to have rub-offs, and those would be crazy. Oh. It's where you'd rub one of your, like, on the back of their neck or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You rub them until it just comes clean off. You ever do those rub-offs? back of their neck or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You rub them until it just comes clean off.

You ever do those? Rub-offs? Yeah, man. We hung out with Thomas last night. Alex came over. We invited a bunch of dudes over from Twitter and some of his Twitch friends. We had a box in the backyard for a bit and then we did a rub off but uh

it wasn't it's not what you're thinking we just rubbed each other's necks until our until our heads popped off

like GI Joe so the skin pops off and then you go ahhh and then you're rubbed off yeah

but it's like really dangerous you ever play uh Knuckles Bloody Knuckles yeah yeah yeah we used to oh that's it.

I remember I got a quarter stuck in my knuckle for a little bit. Yeah, oh, like in the wedding? Yeah, because I didn't get it. Yeah, because we wouldn't do it until we bled. We would just keep doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would just have a hole in my hand for a little bit. We would do the thing where you'd either do it with a cigarette or a lighter.

If you're out of cigarettes, you'd let the lighter hold it when the flame's burning for a long time, two of them, and then see who, like you each get each other's forearm, and you just see who could hold it there the longest. Yeah, I did that with a guy at a party one time where we did the cigarette thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I still have a huge burn from it because he had had like a case of beer and like four Xanax. Yeah. Right before.

And I had just. Yeah, I'd had like two beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we did it till the cigarette went out. Yep. And then I was like, all right, man, nice. I guess had like a second degree burn. And like I get like there was like fat melting on my arm. I'm like, all right, man, nice, I guess. Had like a second degree burn.

And like there was like fat melting on my arm. I'm like, all right, good game, I guess. He's like, bleh, like he can't even talk. And then I'm like, who did I even prove a point to? It's just like a few guys here. We used to, we would get like like, four or, we would get, like, ten guys, and we would do, like, almost like a one-man tournament. Or not a one-man tournament, like a tournament to see, like, who would be the last man, like, standing. I guess, like, almost like an Ultimate Fighter style situation, but we would do it, like. Yeah.

And we would do, like, full MMA rules or just boxing, depending depending on like, you know, where it was at. And one of my buddies had this like big backyard, and like one of the funniest thing about it to me was like, you're not doing it, this isn't legitimate or sanctioned, so there's no weight classes. So like my buddy Justin was like 280 when he was like 15, and I was probably like, 280 when he was, like, 15. And I was probably, like, a buck 40. And so, like, you know, you'd fight, you know, just your friend who's got, like, 150 pounds on you.

He just beats you. Anyway, our friend's house that we would do, like, full MMA rules that we would do it because he had a big backyard. His dad was, like, his dad, like, restored, like, old tractors and, like, riding lawnmowers and shit. And I remember I was up next to go. And we were going to, whoever won the tournament, we'd all put $10 in the hat. And it's like, whoever wins, it's $60 or whatever. And Justin is fighting one of my friends,itch and mitch is i don't know maybe like bob maybe a little bit bigger than me like at the time like one i don't know 170 something

like that and uh he like picks him up dude and uh like just fucking slams him on the ground and uh he likes mitch like screams and i was like, oh, fuck, man, somebody got hurt, and he starts laughing, and it's like, oh, man, I almost died, and I, like, didn't, I was like, oh, yeah, it was a pretty bad slam, like, and Justin's just, like, his face is all white, um, we went over there, he was like, dude, dude, look, and, like, he looked to his left, there was, like, an iron stake sticking up, like, seven inches out of the ground. And he literally slammed him, like, maybe three inches,

four inches from it. And he was, we were like, maybe let's not do any more fight. Like, that was kind of the last big, that was UFC 300 for us. Because, like, nine times out of ten all it was is somebody get a busted nose or like would split their lip and his dad thought it was funny he would sit out there and fucking drink bush all night when he wasn't at work and just watch us beat the piss out of each other and like like fucking whoever wins this one can get the rest of my fucking winstons i could just give us like half a pack of cigarettes and you're like

chain smoking in between rounds it was very much like a know, like a like the type of shit you'd get into if you were a chimney sweep in like 1910s London or something. Yeah, yeah. Good way to put it. And and but like for some reason, everything that went wrong in that era with our friend group, like like, OK, no more, no more ultimate fighter in Mitch's backyard. Like, okay, no more Ultimate Fighter in Mitch's backyard. It's just not good. Because it definitely would have been one of those things where had he impaled Mitch on that spike, I would have been one of the guys on, like, the first 48 where it's like we would have just tried to put Mitch in the shed probably. You know what I mean? Like, you just get scared and then you just put your friend's dead body in the shed and then you just go play Halo.

And they would have made, like, a Netflix documentary about him or something. Because we were probably—we just thought it was so funny that he almost died. Like, damn, dude. Get fucking good. Get tough. You got slammed like a—like, when you almost die with hanging out with your friends, like, in a drunk driving accident or, like, a near miss or something, hanging out with your friends like in a drunk driving accident or like a near miss or something for the first 10 minutes it's scary and then the guy who fucked up and almost died just becomes the biggest pussy in the friend group for like two months you know what i mean like you know

what i'm saying like we like yeah like later on that night mitch was like he we got really high and i remember he was like kind of having a moment where he was like dude if that really would have happened like i would have fucking died like, I would have fucking died. Like, it was, like, right where my heart was. We were all sitting there, and we were like, yeah, you probably would have bled out like a fucking gay idiot. You probably would have cried, too, because, like, Mitch was, like, he was just kind of, like, the friend that was, like, he would always say, like, I don't want to do the fighting thing,

and then we, like, do it anyway, but we were like, yeah, pussy, because you're always chickening out. You probably would have been the one to die, you fucking homo. And just, he's clearly having a moment. We had a near-death experience. And we're, like, all, like, drinking beer in his dad's garage. And we're like, yeah, dude, quit bitching. It's not like you fucking died or anything.

It's not like you died horribly in your own backyard and bled out. Yeah, you probably wish he threw him on your butt so that you could get fucked by the big metal yeah so it could probably make you probably give you a prostate orgasm yeah yeah yeah it was uh that shit was so that shit was so much fun and i feel like now like to your point not kidding like if we were like when we hang out you know i I'm pretty sure Alex would be down probably if we had enough beer and timing was right. But if we went to like a friend's place, like the kind of get togethers that we've gone to and we we suggested that we all go in the backyard and fight like one of us would be asked to leave, if not both of us. And I just I miss it. You know what I mean? Like it's just casually like after the after the fifth or sixth beer really hits that your lower intestine

you're like man I feel like I wanna I wanna box somebody for one minute and throw up in the backyard and get gassed you know what I mean like that's just yeah it's a lost art it's a lost sense of wonder you know like like your imagination goes when you're like

20 it just goes you know it just yeah you can't think of cool things anymore you can't just spend time with yourself you have to be doing something same thing you know the the excitement of getting drunk and getting to a fistfight with your friends goes away past like when you start paying taxes i guess you know and training doesn't count like going to the gym and like being into jujitsu or boxing like that's. That's the adult version of that, and that's fine. I'm not talking about that, though, because it's weird. It would be weird if I went to fight a real tomorrow and I brought a six pack of Miller High Life, you know, like it would be cool, though.

Oh, no, it would be awesome. You know, in your own way. Yeah. Be I would respect it. Yeah. But it it's not the same as, know on a nice 110 degree summer night mosquitoes are buzzing you're buzzing fucking breaking benjamin's playing on a blown out bluetooth speaker you're wearing your fucking big ass and ones you're strapping on some fucking

absolutely tattered everlasts and your buddy's uh strapping on some fucking like old reebok like pad gloves, not even boxing gloves, the gloves that you used to hit the fucking bag with, and y'all just throwing fucking haymakers at each other's heads. God damn. Thinking about my youth, Thomas. As I stare down the barrel of 30 years old, I'm just thinking about what could have been.

I could have died. I could have gotten CTE. I probably have a little bit. You know what mean yeah you probably have yeah yeah well i mean 30 is a big milestone for you you know yeah it's big you know yeah i mean i never thought after this you know it's it's 50 50 on the 10-year milestones you know but uh yeah yeah you really like after 30 it's uh it's kind of i'd say about half of people make it to 40 from 30 about half of people make it from 40 to 50 yeah you know and then you uh your chance to live in a 70 in america is about one in a hundred nowadays um well it's you know i already kind of like made the like you know i can't not that i want to kill myself but like i feel like there's a window of time when it's not it's always sad when someone kills

themselves you know like if you're a guy in his 50s or 60s and you kill yourself it's not, it's always sad when someone kills themselves, you know? Like, if you're a guy in his 50s or 60s and you kill yourself, it's like, yeah, he didn't want to age. He didn't want to become, like, decrepit, so you understand it. And when a teenager or someone in their 20s kills themselves, it's like, oh, my God, it's such a tragedy. So much wasted life, wasted youth. But I feel like from, like, 30 to, like, 40, if you kill yourself, it's just like, what are you doing? You know what I mean? Like, it from like 30 to like 40 if you kill yourself it's just like what are you doing you know what i mean like it's maybe 30 to 50 even you know like a 20 year span i think it i

think it's really it's from like 19 to like 80 really like because i think it's like unless you're really good at guitar i've talked about this before i, unless you're really good at guitar. I've talked about this before. I think if you're really good at guitar, you get a way bigger window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If not, it's the day you get a grown-up job. Yeah. If you kill yourself, you are just a guy who killed himself. Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you kill yourself before you're out of high school, then at least, you know maybe at the graduation they'll have a little note you know he could have been sorry yeah he was funny he could have been an actor yeah yeah yeah which you couldn't have but that's okay yeah no it's not it wasn't gonna happen for you yeah yeah no but the you know the point is you just gotta try and stay alive forever. And it's just how it goes. But yeah, if you kill yourself when you're 35, people say, oh my God, he was such a good insurance analyst. Oh my God, he could have gone on to work his way through middle management.

Yeah. He was going to make such a good, he was just such a good sous chef. Someday he was going to be head chef of a different restaurant. This restaurant, he was pretty much fucked at. He'd always be sous chef there. Yeah, he wasn't going to make it out. At my dad's celebration of life, you know, all of his, um, I called him the get along gang, but all my dad's friends that were still alive, um, or like, I guess not, you know, destitute or whatever, like

they came by and I met, I met some of them for the first time and some of them I hadn't seen since I was like a baby. Uh, I don't even remember meeting them. One of those guys, Greg, kind of like a long ponytail, like Southern hippie. You probably know exactly what I'm talking about. But like a guy who's like, he smokes weed and he like does acid from time to time. But he also like doesn't like immigrants if that

makes sense you know what i mean like yeah maybe like a dime bag daryl type you know like cool as fuck like there's no doubt in my mind that i love i would love to fucking hang out with him but also it's just like extreme like extremely just a guy also you know. And we're all sitting in a circle, and it was pretty heartfelt, you know. And everybody's telling stories about Dave, you know. And, you know, one of his buddies, Jorge, is like his best friend, was like, oh, I remember we used to play fucking shows together, man. You know, Dave, you know, he always had to get a load on before he played. But even in his drunkest, you know, he played fucking better than anybody, you know, Dave, you know, he always had to get a load on before he played. But even in his drunkest, you know, he played fucking better than anybody.

You know, everybody just kind of getting teared up. And then one of his other buddies, Big John, had known my dad since he was like seven. We used to ride bikes together. And, you know, we used to go down to the ditch and, you know, shoot Nutri-Rats and Tee-Hee and, you know. down to the ditch and uh you know shoot nutra rats and teehee and you know uh and it comes around to to greg and uh greg you know he's sitting there and wiping his eyes and he's like well one time uh we were on i-45 and we were heading to the beach house you know and my mom's here my little brother's here you know we're all we're heading to we're heading to the beach house, you know, and my mom's here, my little brother's here, you know, we were all, we were heading to the, we're heading to the beach house, and God, you know, we're listening to fucking Van Halen, and we're all just ripped, you know,

we know what's going to happen, you know, we're in it, we're in it to win it, baby, we're having a good-ass time, and I look back, and David's just got this stare, you know, And I look back, and David's just got this stare, you know, empty in his eyes. And he looks directly at me, and I thought maybe he was going to tell me something. And then he just cocked his right hand back and punched me in my nose and started beating the shit out of me while I'm doing 85 miles an hour on the fucking freeway. And, like, the whole mood of the whole circle just shifts, you know. It's like, like, he just starts beating the piss out of me. And, you know, that was one of Dave's favorite pranks.

And I was sitting there, and I was like, prank? And he was like, yeah, he loved to prank his friends. He would just be in the back seat, just not talking to nobody, and then would just start beating the shit out of you. And, like, all, you know, like, it went from, like, you know, there was kind from like you know there was kind of like a facade of like oh we're are we just gonna tell the the nice stories are we gonna tell the fun ones too and he just kind of broke into that and was like yeah yeah i was like well how did you how the fuck did you deal with that and he was like well think about your dad was when we would get into

fistfights your dad had a secret move i think i told you this, your dad had a secret move. I think I've told you this before. Your dad had a secret move where if I was ever beating the shit out of him, getting the better of him, he would just pick me up and slam me on my head on the concrete. He had this move, man, and I was like, what's the move? My dad was never into martial arts. He was just a big guy. I'm like, what's this move? He's like, man, he would pull something out of a movie. I'm like, dude, are it's like man it's fucking he he would he'd pull it like something out of a movie i'm like dude are you gonna tell me my dad knew how to do like

spinning back kicks because i never saw him do it he's like yeah he had this move where he'd pick you up by your waist and dump you on your fucking head knock you out i was like oh i was like oh sick uh and uh anyway like after that it was all just like you know i was like oh if it's a celebration of life like we'll keep it pg and then after that like all you know everybody was like yeah you know we were at the titty bar one time my mom's just sitting in the corner like god damn it we're at the titty bar one time and fucking dave just uh you know i think he ran out of ones and so he just started throwing quarters you know and you know them ladies don't take too kindly to that. But your dad's just such a charmer.

I mean, he could have been throwing fucking buckets of piss up there. They'd come down and talk to him, you know. And everybody gets drunker. Everybody gets drunker. Everybody gets drunker. And it gets to a point where it's just like all of the people who had came, who had their lives together, were like, well, I never experienced any of this with my friend.

And then they had to go later. You know, it was getting dark. And it just ended up being like, yeah, I guess his shithead friends who had, you know, straightened up a bit. But we're all just like, yeah, you know, he used to, you know. He had this thing he'd do where he'd drive his car drunk and crash it. Like. He had this thing he'd do where he'd drive his car drunk and crash it. I remember he told me he worked on a tugboat like 80 hours a week,

and he saved up to buy one of the late 80s Pontiac Firebirds, like a T-Top. And I had brought that up. I was like, didn't you guys ever drive a ride in the Firebird? And they were like, oh, yeah, your dad loved that thing. I was like, whatever happened to it? And they were like, oh, I was like didn't you guys ever drive riding in the firebird and they were like oh yeah your dad loved that thing i was like whatever happened to it and they were like oh i figured he had told you yeah man he loved it so much that on the second week of having it he wrapped it around a telephone pole and just he i was like damn he didn't tell me about that and they were like yeah he didn't get arrested that time because he just uh he got out of the car and walked to his mama's house the police just like found the car or whatever and i was like oh that's sick that's awesome you know uh because i've been to a couple different funerals and celebrations of life and nobody ever starts a story with like

oh yeah when your grandma died we were she was the best she used to love to go to the titty bar you know what i mean like it just the emotional I guess miasma or whatever that the emotional energy of your average celebration of life isn't you know you don't bring up stories that involve the words titty bar I guess you know yeah

yeah it was pretty funny it's always funny too when like my mom like that night you know she was being she's you know a religious woman you know but Ash was sitting right next to me you know they had pictures of when my dad

was younger and Ashley made a joke you know she was like you know cause we always like we would tease my mom like why'd you keep coming back you know whatever cause dad was who he was, and, you know, Ash saw a picture of my dad when he was younger, and she was like, I get it, you know, he was a handsome guy, or whatever, you know, like, I said, okay, Stacy, you know, I see you, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, and my mom had, like, four or five necklobes, or whatever, and she was like, My mom had like four or five neck lobes or whatever, and she was like, yeah, you know, that third date, you know, I ran, I was out at this club next to the titty bar, and he came out of it, and I looked across from him, and he looked at me, and he came out of that strip club, and I just knew that'd be the father of my children. And I was like, that's so awesome. She just was such confidence. Like, she doesn't really talk like that, so awesome she just was such confidence like she doesn't really talk like that so when it came out of her mouth i i was even taking it back she was like i mean he

came out of there with his long ponytail and that flannel on you know and them fucking stupid square cut boots and i said i that that's that's gonna be the man that that that you know i bring us life into this world with i was like, I see probably how they got along originally, back in the good old days or whatever the fuck. I don't even know why I brought that shit up. You're pretty deep into the episode. Yeah, I don't think it matters. Yeah, it was like, oh, yeah, the killing yourself thing.

Yeah, it was like, you know, we were all bullshitting or whatever, and I had brought up to one of his buddies. I was like, yeah, you know, he always told me when I was a kid that, this was one of his more put-together friends. I was like, he used to tell me when I was, like, a kid that, you know, if he gets to be 65 and, you know, he's sick or he can't get around or nothing, that I should just shoot him. And he was like, excuse me?

And I was like, yeah, you know when you're old and you don't want to live no more and you just have somebody kill you? And he goes, nope. No, I never crossed my mind, but hey, thank you so much for the lasagna. Y'all have a good one or whatever the fuck. Um, but I think if you have like a cool life, you don't have to be a good person, but if you have a cool life, then I think maybe doing it is fine to your point about like, like, uh, insurance and middle management. Like it's, if you ever like a cool rock and roll life,

even if you're not a rock star, i think it's probably fine you're like a hunter s thompson style guy like you know you're like i don't i don't need to be around this shit no more i think i've drank all the beer in the world i guess i'll check out you know what i mean yeah i mean hunter s thompson was a unique case in that his uh he literally could not drink anymore because he was his kidneys were like exploding i think, yeah, yeah. But I think he chose an appropriate time to make his exit. I think in his suicide note, he was, like, 65, like 20 more years than I needed or wanted or something like that. And I remember thinking, like, all right.

Like, baby, the suicide note should be, like, you know, to sweet Darla, you know, I'm sorry, note should be like you know to to sweet Darla you know I'm sorry to my boys you know I wish I could have been there for you you know I feel like if you write a suicide note and it's poetic it's like all right Hunter S Thompson I wish I could smoke one more gay little cigarette or maybe shoot a gun like a big retard. But instead. I want to swallow. I wish I could be annoying on TV again. Instead, I'm going to fucking suck start this 12 gauge and die.

Oh, God. I wish I wish I could still be around to see a bunch of guys in their 20s pretend to be me for five years. Yeah. Yeah. that probably like i'm glad he missed out on that because i think like the kurt cobain thing he like didn't want to be famous or whatever and it like really bothered him so he like i mean there's other reasons you blow your brains out not just because you don't want to deal with the trapping yeah he accidentally heard his own damn music he heard that song was like it just sucks i'm gonna kill myself um yeah like i guess you know what's funny is like chris cornell and lane staley and kirk cobain like all those guys did it.

And then Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots, he died of an overdose, I think. So the only one of those guys that's left, really, aside from the Pearl Jam. Oh, please don't die, Kevin Bacon. Yeah. I was going to say Billy Corgan. It is kind of like you either die a hero or live

long enough to see yourself become the villain because like if you die when you're 27 28 and you're like a rock star and you're cool you know then it's like ah he probably could have made so many more albums that were awesome uh and he you know know, he said, fuck the man. Well, Billy Corgan is like 50-something now, and he's like, you know, Israel rocks, or whatever the fuck. Which probably would have happened to all of them, you know? Like, the guy from Sublime, if he didn't have an overdose,

he probably would have just been like a Trump guy or something. Yeah, he would probably be working at the last blockbuster in existence what about what about um it's crazy that morrissey never killed himself what about backbuster and you go in there and you uh you rent a guy that fucks you yeah yeah that big i mean for me that wouldn't be super interesting oh okay not well it would be interesting i guess, that wouldn't be super interesting. Oh, okay. Well, it would be interesting, I guess, in that I wouldn't be bored. You know what I mean? I would be terrified, really.

Because I would go in for a movie viewing experience. And then you would get back shots. Not to get pounded out. I'd say, stop pounding me out right now. No more back shots. No more back shots. I'm going to be in front of the White House with a big sign. No more back shots. No more back shots. I'm going to be in front of the White House with a big sign. No more back shots.

Yeah, you're doing the cadence. Back shot Biden. Get out of office. We want missionary Trump. Yeah, none of this progressive. Front shots Donald. Donnie front shots Trump. No more back shots

No more back shots Fucking let's go back shots Let's go back shots Yeah when Biden was in that interview And he was talking about like The secret to like a healthy long marriage Was like good and he was talking about like the secret to like a healthy long marriage was like good good and frequent sex

and was like like my advice my advice to young people is is always always keep your doors closed and always keep it there's no way that he his penis still works I don't know maybe it does but I know that's an interview training thing this is

an inner that's like a PR company answer. You think so? Yeah. He's trained for interviews. Of course. I mean, he's the president. No, that is a manufactured answer. That was a decision by somebody else for him.

Like a younger cabinet member. He doesn't know what pussy is in here. That's like a lollipop to him he doesn't he his penis if if his penis went in a vagina the skin would come off of his penis in there yeah yeah yeah it would be like it would be like getting the pit out of a date you know um yeah i remember, when I saw that, I chalked it up to, like, maybe he had, like, a moment of, like, horny lucidity. You know what I mean?

Like, he had a moment of, like, clarity, and he's an old man. And so, like, in the State of the Union, everybody was like, look, see, he can talk, and he has energy, which, like, if you're yelling, by the way, if you're yelling that at me, look and see how energetic this man is.'re wrong he's not dying the first thing i'm gonna think is that he's dying like if you have to flex on how good he is at talking anyway i thought the

sex thing was like his brain started working for like two seconds and if you're 900 years old and you like don't know what year that your son died and your brain clicks on, like boosts up for a second like a computer, of course the first thing you're going to think about is pussy. I would imagine. You know what I mean? Like if you're like an old ass dude who doesn't understand the world anymore. Yeah. Like all day you're all like, pop tarts, chicken, salmon, pop tart. Take a nap and eat my medicine. Pop-Tart.

Getting pussy is awesome. This is the secret to life. Having lots and lots of sex with my wife. And then, you know, go back to being stupid. Hey, if you're listening to this, that means that you're not stupid. That means that you're probably the smartest guy in your friend group and you know a lot about pop culture. And back shots. And back shots.

And back shots, front shots, side shots, and fucking angled out shots. If you want to get more shots, you should head on over to pandehotime.com. Patreon.com slash pandehotime. And we've got all different sorts of tiers with different and cool fucking badass motherfucking rewards. For just $1 a month of the Miho tier, you can get access to our Discord,

where people have made awesome friends and have given me advice on how to fix my van. And they've gotten jobs, I think. A couple people hooked each other up. And lifelong friendships. $5 a month gets you access to that and a bonus episode every motherfucking week. Five bucks a month gets you access to that and a bonus episode every motherfucking week. Ten bucks a month gets you all those things, plus a bonus video episode every month. And 50 bucks a month doesn't get you anything else, but you can just help the show get better.

Thank you. Patreon, if you're listening, I need my money because I need to buy a camera. I want to buy a 4K camera for podcasting, and I need the money now. I need my money because I need to buy a camera I want to buy a 4K camera for podcasting and I need the money now I need it so give it to me and we'll be all good

and I won't have to fucking show up at your doorstep at Dr. Patreon's doorstep with a fucking big ass sword alright bye bye bye