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There's nothing like drinking a big-ass, um, there really is nothing like drinking a big-ass soda.
Uh, and I don't really drink soda much anymore, but I do get a hankering every now and then for, like, a Dr. Pepper.
Yeah, I've been drinking, dude, I've been drinking full-size, full-calorie, sometimes twice a day lately.
Mm-hmm.
Um, sometimes in the morning.
Yesterday, it was hot as fuck out,
and the food truck guy,
which he just drives like a Dodge Dart,
but he's a one-man food truck.
He pulls up, and I ask him if he has any Gatorade
or anything like that,
and he hands me a Coke,
and then I pay him $3 for it.
And I just drank a 20-ounce Coke, sweat, you know, fucking pouring.
It's like 95 degrees out.
I really just needed a Gatorade or something because I was really dehydrated,
but instead I just fucking stabbed myself in the kidneys.
And I said, thank you, sir.
That'll do it.
Well, I think it's because i like never really
had much like adult supervision and also like my mom drank a lot of soda but i remember
like dude playing t-ball and then like working up through the natural evolution from t-ball to
machine pitch to coach pitch kid pitch just years of baseball probably like when i was like fourth when i was like i don't know 12 or 13 anyway it was normal it was it was normal to drink like three or four dr peppers out
of the big ice chest at the yeah in the dugout it was normal to do that it was fine like it was
weird if i didn't because i didn't want to drink water and nobody ever told nobody told me that
hey when you're running around in the heat and you're like a fat little kid you shouldn't be drinking like a
thousand a thousand grams of sugar like it just didn't make any sense to me and so I thought
whenever I'd be doing my sprints that I was like ah man I worked out really man this summer heat's
really getting to me 10 years old my fat little body I think you know what's going to really hit
the spot is not an azarka bottle that's also in the same chest.
A 20-ounce Dr. Pepper is my third one, by the way,
because that is the key to peak performance and hydration
when you're playing fucking state, like, fall ball,
like, you know, city council-funded,
shitty community baseball or whatever the fuck.
That's how you get the plastic trophy that you can buy at Academy for $2
that says the fucking big dogs on it.
I don't know.
Did you ever play, like, fucking community baseball?
They would give us names called, like, the big dogs or, like, the players
or, like, the cool, you know.
Like, it was never a team.
It was never a real team.
Oh, we were always a team of some kind.
I had those too, but when I played out of season,
it was like the masters.
Maybe I was playing baseball for a bunch of child molesters or something.
I don't know.
You played baseball for a team called the masters?
No.
I'm saying they would give them like...
I was on a baseball team, a t-ball team when I was a kid.
And I know this because we had the shittiest jerseys of all time.
And I used to still have them in my dad's place before he moved out that we were called the Mac Daddies.
And we had like these jerseys that the fucking coach got.
This was fucking Houston Baseball League.
The Mac Daddies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
South Houston, baby.
South Houston. It was like the community pony
league or whatever and uh i did definitely play on community leagues where we were like the astros
or the phillies or whatever the fuck but whenever we would do like the fall ball like out of season
leagues sometimes we wouldn't do the teams for whatever reason or maybe we couldn't for the
jersey so we were the mac daddies one season and our coach was this like five foot two like 300 pound goatee like dropped silverado guy he was so sick he was nice to
everybody but his own son which is the case for typical for like baseball coaches i feel like any
any team sport dad you know what i mean yeah if i had a kid's baseball team i'd probably call the
beautiful lovers so beautiful yeah so i could like teach teach them like how to like treat a woman and stuff.
But like that's how I treat them is like they get they pull up their parents come to drop them off and I open the door for the kids so they can get out.
Right.
OK.
And you're trying to set an example for how to how to be like a beautiful.
And I get all the kids flowers, too.
And I'd surprise the kids kids that would go a long
way in texas especially where you're at in texas like the dfw i the dads would really like that
if a guy that looked and talked like you and acted like you was giving flowers to all the
kids that he was coaching i would give flowers to all the kids i'd say this is what you need to do
to your mom you need to give her flowers to their mom this is what you need to do to your mom. You need to give her flowers like I'm doing.
This is what you need to do to your own mom.
You need to do this to your mom.
I'm going to fucking make you pasta.
I'm going to make you guys a bunch of fucking pasta just like you should do to your mom.
You should be making cold pasta for your mother.
You should be fucking making food for your mom every day.
If your mom is in that kitchen making dinner when you fucking get home from school, you are a piece of
shit.
You need to leave school to make your mom dinner.
I'm making pasta with your mom for you
to fucking eat later.
So if you want to fucking play baseball
like a little bitch ass bitch,
then you can fucking...
How about you go home and you fucking go...
How about you go home
and you go play... You can go home and you fucking go. How about you go home and you go play and you don't even.
You can go home and you can play right field on the right seat.
Instead of right field, you can play right seat on the couch.
Yeah, you can play right bench where you fucking sit on your butt.
You're not playing nothing.
If you want to be on the Beautiful Lovers and you want to be DH for the Beautiful Lovers,
you're going to have to fucking do some DH stuff,
and that stands for daddy's home.
You're pulling a kid to the side
when he's just not giving his 110%.
Maybe he could have stole that bass,
but it just didn't capture the moment.
You just pull him aside into the dugout and go,
hey, man, you know how your dad fucks
your mama?
You know how your dad fucks your mama?
You can hear it.
That's the kind of effort I need you to be giving out there on the field.
You could have took that base, but you didn't take the opportunity.
When your dad sees opportunity, he fucks your mama.
He fucks her super good after he gets off the rig or tugboat, you know, wherever the
fuck he went.
Sometimes your daddy don't have no job.
That's okay. Sometimes he's fucking her her unemployed style and that's the best type all i'm saying is
when it when you're when you're on first and you feel like you can take that opportunity
and you see second you get a lead on pitcher right when that ball leaves you gun it for a second just
like your daddy gun for your mama pussy you following me? You picking up what I'm putting down,
so I ain't trying to make you uncomfortable.
I'm just the coach of the beautiful lovers.
I'm the assistant coach of the beautiful lovers.
He, Coach Thomas, he's a good cop.
He's going to teach you about how to get flowers, okay?
He's going to teach you how to open doors up for your own mama
to make her cold pasta when she gets home from work.
I'm the bad cop.
I'm going to teach you how to steal bases like you're trying to fuck your own mama.
That's the type of guy that I am.
I'm no nonsense.
Every baseball team, you've got to have two coaches, good coach and bad coach.
And guess who you're alone in the dugout with?
The bad coach.
The bad coach.
Look, I got a message for you parents.
I got a message for you dads.
And this goes specifically, out of you dads, it goes to the fathers.
Look, you think because we've got sexy coach and bad coach
that you can do whatever you want, all right?
I don't remember saying sexy.
I remember saying good and bad, but I'll let it.
That's fine.
That's fine for me. Coach Jake, he's the bad coach. I I'll let it. That's fine for me.
Coach Jake, he's the bad coach.
I'm the sexy coach.
That's fine.
I'm not too good to look at.
I want to let you know as the sexy coach.
That's okay.
I know I come across real nice, and I'm great.
I get you flowers.
I make noodles for everybody,
and we all eat pasta out on the field
during the game.
But I want to give you a quick warning
because I want
the best for you guys. I really do and I want the best for
your moms and for your
uncles and for your
dogs.
I'm going to warn you right up here.
I'm a brief man. I'm a man of few words.
When I speak, I don't really say a whole lot.
I don't ramble.
I get right to the point.
Yeah, that's what we know about the sexy coach.
Let me put this plain, sexy English.
Anything you do to your wife, Coach Jake will do to your son.
In a different, metaphorically speaking, what I mean is the energy.
In a literal sense.
In the energy with which you approach the situation.
In the sexual energy in which you approach.
No, in the energy in which you approach your wife.
If you yell at your wife, he will yell at your son.
If you are mean to your wife, he'll be mean to your son.
If you kiss your wife, he'll kiss your son with the baseball.
Yeah, no, well, with the baseball yeah no well with with the gift gift of baseball teamwork yeah i'll kiss him with the knowledge of being a good baseball player
he will stroke your son he will stroke your he will get your son's stroke baseball stroke so good
that i'll get i'll stroke the talent out of your kid.
That's what Coach Thomas is trying to say. He's going to soak the talent clean out of your son.
Yeah.
If it's buried deep in there, I'll find it.
And he wants to play with it until it grows,
until he can grow that talent in your son.
Yeah.
No doubt in my mind that if you've got a kid
with a little bit of talent somewhere in him,
I'll play with it until it gets out.
Yeah.
And the thing about it is...
Nobody's going to know.
Yeah, the city definitely doesn't care too much about what happens out here.
This is the flower mound local community baseball
that we've got about a budget of $250.
And I'm here purely for the love of the game,
both figuratively and literally.
When it comes to batting, same thing.
It's about rotation of the hips.
It's about shifting weight from one foot to the other.
You know, on Saturday nights when you're watching your cartoons,
you ever watch your daddy walk around?
Walk around the house with a little bit of swagger
yep hips going one way to the other yep weight shifting left foot right foot yep dick swanging
because he ain't got no underwear because he's home it's his house it's his dick yep his dick
it is that's how you approach it i'm standing 15 feet behind you, by the way, and I got my arms crossed.
Yeah, yeah.
You got to pinch in the size of a grapefruit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And every time you spit out, there's a little bit of blood.
Anyway, boys, listen.
Some of you guys ain't approaching the bat.
You ain't approaching home plate like your daddy would approach your mama after she makes you some hamburger helper.
He does the broke boy hug.
He wraps his arm around her waist, nuzzles her neck, and says,
baby girl, I have been applying to jobs, but I do need $50
because I need to go to pick a part, and I need to find a heater core for the Saturn.
She says, go get my purse.
That swagger, that's going to make you a good batter.
The hip swagger, the dick swagger that your daddy roll when he's asking money
to go to pick an engine, to go to copark.com.
That's what you need.
A lot of you guys are coming with limp dick, step daddy baseball bat techniques.
Limp dick.
And that's not going to be on my team.
I can't speak for sexy coach Thomas.
But if you'd ask him, I don't think he would take stepdaddy dick baseball hitting.
Nope.
So I'll say it again.
Your daddy knocked your mama up because he was confident,
and he had the hips like a fucking hippopotamus.
Yep, he's wide.
He's wide, and he's wide set, and he's mean, and he's gray.
He's about 3,000 pounds, and he's very territorial.
That's how I need you to approach that fucking –
that's how I need you to approach home plate.
Not like a limp dick fucking – not like a limp dick stepdaddy.
Hey, Connor, right, your mama left your daddy for a piece of shit,
a different one who's a loser even more so than your actual dad.
Don't approach the plate like Connor's stepdaddy.
Approach the plate like sex coach Thomas does.
Yep.
Or like your biological daddy approached your mom
the night that you were conceived.
With great power, with great gusto,
with confidence that would blot out the sun,
that's how you approach baseball.
You understand?
I mean.
Y'all mind if we get an amen.
Hey, can y'all stand up?
Everybody can.
Hey, let's talk.
Hey.
Everybody.
Everybody.
Hey, everybody stand up.
Everybody take a knee.
Everybody take a knee and stand up.
Everybody take a knee and stand up.
Take a knee, stand up.
Take a knee, stand up.
Everybody who's taking a knee, I need y'all to stand up.
Everybody stand up.
Take a knee and stand up.
Take a knee and stand up. Everybody sit down. Can everybody sit downall to stand up. Everybody stand up. Everybody sit down.
Can everybody sit down?
Simmer down.
Everybody simmer down, take a knee in, and stand
up, and then give me an amen.
Okay?
My mind's like unlocking.
Hey.
Can I tell y'all
something?
Actually, everybody sit down.
Everybody stand up.
Everybody stand up, sit down.
Everybody sit down, stand up.
If you're sitting down and taking a knee.
Coach Thomas got a prayer for us.
Yeah, I want to pray real quick, a little something.
Dear God, we thank you for the game of baseball that we played today
and for every day that we're granted on this field.
We know that your dreams are woven into every move we make
and every prayer we make and every ball we hit.
We thank you for all the days that we've had on this earth here for us to share together
and all the meals that you will create for us from this land.
We ask that you protect the heads and the minds of these young men as they grow older
and grow into temptation, such as alcohol and booze and partying,
lifestyles and potentially sexual women.
Lifted GMCs, lower GMCs.
We ask that you please strike down all those who wish to take down our beautiful country,
such as the illegal immigrants in this country and those who wish to destroy us,
such as all the people in the Democratic office.
And we ask that you kill my ex-wife, please,
as she has proven to be no longer a child of yours.
We also ask that you protect the game of baseball
from evil people such as the New York Yankees.
We ask that you reinstate Pete Rose
and make him a Hall of Famer,
even though he is a pedophile.
And we ask that you please,
please this year,
we hope that some of the kids on the other team get hurt
so it can show as an example for our kids
of the strength
that can be shown through injuries.
Yeah.
And we ask that all the other teams die on the way to the games.
Absolutely.
We ask that all our kids get hurt as well and that we lose every game.
I ask for constant injuries,
and please help me to get drunk before each game
and throw the ball too hard and hurt
somebody and please help me to climb over this fence at least once this season and just throw
a fucking haymaker into somebody's mom i need to i need you lord grant me the strength to fight
to fight blue a volunteer community umpire who does not make no money and is not paid to be here
but but if you could imbue my
core's light lord with just the strength the strength of samson and let me break the jaw of
a volunteer umpire after yelling what what kind of call was that blue at a baseball game for nine
to ten year old boys just grant my right hand with the strength of David's sling. Let me destroy him, Lord, and strike him down,
as you did Lucifer, the fallen angel.
Bring back Nolan Ryan, Lord.
Could you make Nolan Ryan a robot?
Please kill Nolan Ryan and then bring him back.
As you did with your own son,
could you kill Nolan Ryan and bring him back as an did with your own son could you kill nolan ryan and bring him back as an immortal
automaton that can throw a baseball 382 miles per hour the express 2
yep please tell coach thomas to stay off his phone lord i ask that you kill coach jake and
please uh give him aids lord i ask that you tell coach thomas to not look at his phone
what fans of drewski are saying about him lord i ask i ask that you bring eternal joy to the
relationship of drewski and ruby rose please help them get married before they consecrate
and please help them to grow and start a family lord i ask that you put a baby
in ruby rose um i ask that you grant safe passage to trusky's sperm as it enters ruby rose's body
and i pray that her birth control wears off and that his nut finds its way up into her ovaries and she produces a beautiful
entertainment baby yeah to serve and i pray that that baby becomes a successful comedian or possibly
um whatever she's got going on maybe Maybe if you could make the baby a cross between
CeeLo Green and Cedric the Entertainer.
Some sort of singer, entertainer,
and then also maybe like a comedian.
Lord, I pray that you put an evil baby in my ex-wife
that causes her to die during birth.
If you were planning on doing the Revelations
thing maybe like in the next
I don't know like maybe five or ten years
or something because her baby maker is ticking
if you could put the Antichrist
in there that would be
pretty awesome. Alright we want to go and play
some God Darn Baseball don't we kids?
Yeah! Alright everybody
take a knee. Everybody take a knee
and stand up and sit down and simmer down
and then get up from your knee and then give me an amen.
Amen.
Damn.
All right, y'all, today we're going to learn how to throw a baseball clean
through a lady's head.
I'm just kidding.
Oh, man.
What would you do if you were a little kid
and you were playing baseball
and an even
bigger kid said,
if you don't eat this Pop-Tart
in five seconds, I'm gonna
smear your face on the ground,
chump.
Would you eat it?
And it looks delicious, by the way.
But you think, five seconds looks delicious, by the way. But you think five seconds.
Also, fuck this guy.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't have any.
I don't really like Pop-Tarts.
I'm keeping it a bill.
Yeah.
But five seconds.
I don't think I could eat a Pop-Tart in five seconds.
I'm a grown man.
Yeah, I could probably do it.
But you'd crumble some. You'd crumble it man. Yeah, I could probably do it.
But you'd crumble some.
You'd crumble it.
For sure, you'd lose some.
You'd get some collateral damage. You would have to crumble.
And he doesn't even say whether you can break it up first,
or does the timer start.
You know what I mean?
Like unhinge your jaw in a sort of rectangular shape.
Yeah, like can you fucking unwrap it before you...
Hold on, a question for you.
Am I a kid in this scenario, or am I a grown-ass man?
You're a kid. You're both kids. Oh, okay this scenario am i a grown-ass man you're a kid you're
both kids okay there's not a huge size difference between you okay i was gonna say if an eight-year-old
came up and was like i'm gonna smear you i would just kick him in the chest as hard as i could
that'd be sort of it i would say i can do stuff to you you don't even fucking know about dude
i'm not going to but i have that power you know? If I brought you into my apartment, I'd go to jail.
Literally.
Dumbass.
Hey, listen.
I don't even have to do anything.
You're trying to make demands and threats of me.
I don't have to do anything to you.
I could tell you I molested you and you would believe me.
Yeah.
Dumbass.
If we hung out, this is how dangerous this situation is for you.
I don't even have to, if we just hung out for more how dangerous this situation is for you okay i don't even have to if we just hung
out for more than an hour i can literally get it put you in my car and drive 120 miles an hour
before anyone even knew what happened i could have you in new jersey it's not that hard yeah
people really don't care about kids in this country like no tens of thousands of them go
missing every fucking year my whole family calls me the tickle monster.
Hey, mister.
Yeah.
Hey, you better eat this Pop-Tart,
or I'm going to throw an egg at your car.
Everybody in my family calls me the murderer and killer and fucker.
Hey, you messed with the wrong pedophile today hey just some kids toilet paper in your
house and you're out the window like hey guys i'm gonna it's gonna get really this like there's
gonna be a lot of viscera why don't you pick on somebody your own side because i'm a pedophile
bitch you you you rip your shirt off and you've got a sequined shirt underneath.
It's a big P.
Yeah, there was never a pedophile supervillain.
That would have been one of the worst ones.
You know?
Yeah.
Batman, there's a guy being a pedophile.
Stop him right now.
Okay, I'll get in my car. No, he's doing it
like right now. Please.
Alright, traffic's bad, but
I'm in traffic.
Yeah, it turns out you really can't
no matter what technology you put into this
thing, you can't get around like rush hour traffic.
Yeah, I
well, I guess he'll only get molested this one
time.
That's not that bad.
Instead of teaching your son, like, how to fight, you know, to, like, put the bullies in his place,
just teach him to say really weird, just odd, sort of macabre shit. Oh, I thought you were saying teach him to molest the other kids.
No, well, that would be very funny, too.
All right, so we're going to get you kicked out of any elementary school.
I mean any of them.
Yeah, you're never going to have a normal life.
This is going to fuck you up.
It's going to fuck you up so bad.
Oh, so I can't teach my fucking son self-defense anymore.
Yeah.
Great.
See, look, every kid these days knows jiu-jitsu.
Goddamn, every kid is in boxing because, you know, UFC, blah, blah, blah.
One thing these kids don't know how to do is molest.
So I'm going to teach you the fucking thing.
Nobody will ever bother you again, but hey, listen,
nobody will also ever talk to you again.
So it's kind of a double-edged sword.
You'll live a life of a ronin.
You know, in terms of getting molested,
people want you to start in bottom guard.
Sometimes it's better to start in top guard.
You know what I mean?
Where you're, you know, different ways to look at it.
Top guard.
A little ground and pound action, you know what I mean?
Yeah, listen, son.
The counter-molester child.
Yeah.
He sweeps the leg of the pedophile,
starts diddling him.
Just fucking him.
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, son.
Somebody enters your space,
you gotta let them know,
hey, we can't,
no, this shit can't continue.
I know some of mine is going to get picked on, so that bully comes over to you again,
you go up, you let him get close, right?
You let him get, headbutt him, dad.
No, no, that's old school.
This is a new school.
This is called psychologically damaging a person to where they will never have a normal
job again.
That bully gets to you and says, give me your lunch money.
I want you to get right up to his nose and I want you to slowly and ever so softly twist
his nipple and hum in his ear.
Hum like your mommy used to when you were a baby and she's trying to put you to sleep.
Give me your lunch money.
Get up there with him like mean mug him and then just twist it a little bit.
Just a little bit.
You're there.
I'm here, too.
I'm Coach Thomas.
I'm Coach Sexy.
I'm still here.
Yeah, yeah.
This is a self-defense.
So baseball didn't work out for Sexy, Coach Thomas, and Coach Jake,
so we got into self-defense.
We opened up a self-defense gym for children.
Hey, listen, bullies don't stop.
They want you to know they're stronger than you,
so you just put your finger in their mouth.
Or put their finger in your mouth.
Just a little bit.
Just, you know, it's fine.
That's what it is.
They'll never fuck with you again. Now, you will, it's fine. That's what it is. Don't ever fuck with you again.
Now, you will have to go
to a different,
we'll have to move.
Look,
I care about two things.
The sport of baseball
and kids not getting
molested first.
And you'd be surprised
how much crossover
there is there.
You never let them throw the first kiss, son.
You start kissing them immediately.
You know, you can get struck out,
or you can be the pitcher,
or you can get a base hit,
or you can get walked,
Or you can get a base hit.
Or you can get walked.
Or you can be a different defensive position other than pitcher.
Be a short stop, first base, second base, third base,
center field, left field, right field, water boy, catcher, coach. Manager of the team.
You can be George Bush.
You can be in the audience.
You could be the Snans.
You don't have to play the game at all, kid.
Hey, listen, you can walk the fuck out of any situation.
I mean, I'm about to walk out on you as the Snans.
I don't want to be here too much.
And sort of in the game that is your life, I'm in the audience.
And I'm about to go back in the truck, get drunk, and go home.
You know what I mean?
People always trying to tell me.
Sometimes you're in the, you're throwing the pitch.
Sometimes you're hitting the ball.
Sometimes you're just watching.
This is Coach Enrique.
He just joined the team.
Hey.
Hola.
Hola.
It worked today.
The guys were getting mad at me because I made a new song.
Okay. Where I would just go
Mi pito is in mi culo
Mi pito is in mi culo
Because they would just do songs
They do songs
Yeah So your song was about How your own dick's in your own ass Yeah And then I said Because they would just do songs. They do songs sometimes where they just like...
So your song was about how your own dick's in your own ass?
Yeah, and then I said...
And your ass is in your penis.
My ass is in my dick.
That's nice.
And then I would, you know, stuff like, you know,
say stuff like, oh, this guy is my mom.
You know, like different stuff like that.
One of the guys has a
bit right now where the old racist white guy he will uh yell yell to him and he'll say mike
i'm your daughter.
Why can't I be your daughter?
He said, because I'm not fucking Guatemalan.
That's why.
I'm fucking Italian.
Mike, you resist, huh?
I'm your daughter.
Having a Guatemalan grown adult man tell you that He's your daughter Is so awesome
Yeah or he'll be like
Mike you're my father-in-law
I swear
Mike we're married
And he's like
My daughter
He's like
My daughter
One of them's a lesbian
The other is 15
You are not
My son-in-law
He's like
Mike
You're my father-in-law
I'm your daughter He's like, Mike, you're my father-in-law.
I'm your daughter.
That's so awesome.
So good, dude.
That's so awesome.
And he'll know when the guy is pissed off, too, and he'll do it then.
He's just seething, raking.
Mike, I'm your daughter.
It's good.
It's good.
We have fun.
We have fun.
And we make so much money too it's crazy
you guys make a fuck ton of money
dude we all make so fucking much money
it's insane
it's crazy that you guys make as much as
I mean I
I don't know what to do with it
after I pay my bills
I'm like
you make so much money
there's so much left over
you don't have to pay
you make so much money that they like literally over. You don't have to pay.
You make so much money that they literally say you don't have to pay taxes because you make so much money.
Dude, it's crazy because I get the money from the show and I'm like, I don't even need it.
I don't even want it.
I don't.
It's not very important to me.
I don't care.
This is less than I make from my full-time job.
Yeah.
One time, my dad, he was helping my grandma move out of her old house and into my aunt's place.
out of her old house and into his sit-my-aunt's place.
And he, for some reason, I mean, I guess because he didn't want to fucking do it,
he, like, got money from his mom and, like, we went to, I was in the,
he was in the car with him, we went to fucking Home Depot and he got some fucking hombres to do it.
He had, like, 150 bucks cash or whatever.
Which is very funny as a guy who has a fully grown son and like a job is your mom asks you to do something and then you get money from your mom, who's at this point a very old and frail lady.
And then you're like, next can got to do it anyway.
That's neither here nor there. I remember I was probably like twelve or something.
He got two guys to come back to her place in the forerunner. I'm just in the backseat, like in between, like just to like Mexican guys.
And I remember the interaction that made me laugh the most was my dad, like goes to the gas station,
right? To get cigarettes. And he's like like you want something to me and i'm like
i gotta get catered or something and he looks at the guys both the guys and he goes cerveza
and uh one of them like in perfect english with a little bit of accent goes yeah i'll take a beer
my dad looks the other guy goes cerveza and the guy goes looks at his friend and he didn't speak
english and he goes yeah he'll take one too my, see, and then like comes to the gas station
and then comes back out
and he has like
two Tallboy Modellos
and like a 12-pack of Budweiser.
Hey, get rid of me
and pack cigarettes or whatever.
And my dad like
leans back to them
like opens up
one of the Tallboys for himself
and then gives the other
like two guys
like a Budweiser
and is like,
cerveza,
like Frio,
cold beer. And the guy's like, yeah, yes, it's like cerveza, like Frio, cold, cold beer.
And the guy's like,
yeah,
yes,
it's good.
Like my dad,
I just trying,
I guess he's pissed drunk already,
but like he was like,
yeah,
yeah.
Cerveza,
Frio,
Frio,
muy delicioso.
And the guy's like,
yeah,
I like beer,
man.
It's pretty good.
And so we like drive back to,
uh,
we drive back to,
uh, my grandma's place over in Pasadena.
And, uh, uh, the guy, it's funny.
The guy ended up living like four houses down.
My dad just like dropped him off after like, he was like, oh, that's my house.
And I was like, oh, Hey, you know, so we're like loading shit up in this like little like
box truck.
It wasn't a U-Haul, it was something or whatever.
And, uh, you know, I'm trying where I can or whatever.
And my dad, I don't know if he wasn't i can or whatever and my dad i don't know
if he wasn't paying attention or if my dad is just the kind of guy um that just doesn't he has
decided that you're mexican which you are he's also decided that despite all evidence to the
contrary you don't speak english so like every time it would get hot it's like middle of summer my dad be like woo cerveza cerveza break break break time break
break uh you uh you uh beer uh cerveza pour pour two i'm gonna be like yeah no that's fine
i'll take another one like just just completely like and you know that his buddy would like they
would speak in spanish to each other and they would just both be laughing and they'd be like
pointing at my dad who's like right there, putting a dresser in the truck or whatever.
And I'd be like, hey, yeah, it's hot.
And I don't know what they were saying, but they weren't saying, yeah, it's a hot one, big guy.
Yeah, they weren't saying that.
They were calling him probably retarded or whatever.
And anyway, he drops both of them off at that guy's place.
And I was like, hey, dad, I think one of those guys spoke English.
And he was like, yeah, he spoke a little bit.
I was like, no, he was talking, you know, like he said something to me.
And he's like, yeah, some of them speak a little bit of English.
And I was like, no, I think that guy spoke like perfect English or whatever.
But I was like, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, it was a good day.
Hey, some of them worked real hard.
And I was like, okay, sounds good day. Hey, some of them worked real hard. I was like, okay.
Sounds good.
I love having slaves.
I love having indentured servants.
You know, the coolest thing to do is to hire a person,
and then they let you know immediately they speak your language,
and then just don't.
Oh, Tegusta taco?
Yeah, literally.
Yeah.
My dad, living in Texas his whole life,
just is like,
Shreve, Frio, muy delicious.
Right?
The guy's like, yeah, it's pretty good.
I like it after, you know,
a nice hard day's work or whatever.
Yeah, I'll catch myself doing that sometimes.
I do it when I hang out with Ashley's family
because her mom's from Mexico.
And I'll be like at the house,
and I'll be like,
oh, are you making tortas?
One of her brothers will be like,
what the fuck?
Come on, dude.
I'm like, no, sorry, it's just tortas.
Sorry, I just figured out.
Sometimes it is nice as a pasty white boy to let a little bit of the panache go.
But a burrito?
Would you like a burrito?
Yeah.
Can I get a burrito taco?
It's like, you can just say burrito, man.
You don't got to do all that.
You don't have to.
I think maybe I could have some.
Could I have two enchiladas?
Yeah, yeah.
Dos enchiladas, por favor. It's like the belly. Yeah, yeah. Dos enchiladas, por favor.
It's like the bowing.
Yeah, you can have that.
It's like bowing to the sushi lady for me.
Sometimes if I'm drunk and I'm around here in San Marcos or something,
wherever I'm at, if I'm fucked up and there's a food truck nearby
and it is a Mexican food truck, I will go up to that motherfucker
and be like, yeah, can I get two gorditas?
Can I get a yaritos?
Can I get, yeah, she'll have a quesadilla.
And it's like, I'm that guy.
It's me.
I do that.
It's not cool to do it.
But I feel dumber.
I think I just need to be comfortable
feeling stupid in those moments because to me
it's dumber to go up like can i get a torta on a quesadilla and an enchilada and a burrito
thanks that feels stupid what feels noble to me for some reason probably because i'm an idiot
is being like can i get insulin can i get those enchilada hola, senor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Como estas?
Como estas, senor?
Gilbert Gaffrey.
Como estas, senor?
Dos enchiladas.
You're like, let me be respectful of the culture.
I think maybe I want to eat something from here.
Could I have maybe a couple pieces of food?
Maybe a drink of food.
It's like a Chinese guy that just moved to Mexico City.
Hello.
My name is Jacobo.
I just was wondering if I could get a couple Doritos-style tacos.
I want to drink a modelo.
Saying it like that is so scary.
He's coming up to the bartender.
Just a dive bar like in Fort Worth,
and they have it up there in the show.
Hi, I want to drink a modelo.
Hey, man, welcome to
Hey, have you guys been to Twin Peaks before?
Dos Peaks?
Si
Si, yeah, those Peaks
Peaks de la Dos
Si
Peaks of the two.
Pigs of the two.
Hey, yeah,
we're going to meet up
UFC.
I think Conor's
finding out.
We're going to go to
Pigs de los dos.
Wait, hold on.
Wait, where are you going?
Yeah, Pigs of the,
yeah, we're going to go
to Pigs de los dos.
Yeah.
Pigs de los
del tuino. Yeah. Pigs de los El Tuino.
Yeah.
Hooters.
Hooters.
Hooters.
We're going to Hooters.
We're going to Hooters.
Hooters.
We're going to Hooters for some tacos.
I feel like I'm going to eat some wings.
Some pollo wings. I want to get some pollo wings. So we're going to go to for some tacos. I feel like I'm going to eat some wings. Some pollo wings.
I want to get some pollo wings.
So we're going to go to Otos.
Yeah, maybe some Otos.
Maybe some Budweiser.
Hey, man, you don't talk like that.
You don't got to do that.
I like the oysters in Otos.
They don't even have them.
Do you haven't had the oysters in Otos? They don't have them them Do you haven't had the oysters at Hooters?
They don't have
They're fucking
Dude they are fucking horrible
Wait hold on
I didn't even know they had them
I tried Hooters
I tried
I've only been to Hooters once
And I tried oysters there
I had oysters for the first time at Hooters
Yeah
Cause fucking Alex got them
Yeah
And dude they're like the size of chicken thighs
The meat in there is so You have to chew on, they're like the size of chicken thighs. The meat in there is so... You have to
chew on them.
They're like the most fucking...
Yeah, dude, they're like the fucking...
Yeah. They're like meat
chicken oysters. It's like...
I didn't know you could fucking genetically modify oysters.
That's so nasty.
I never like... I like oysters,
but I don't...
I have this thing where like, I know that a lot of the seafood I eat is out of the Gulf of Mexico and that's fine.
But if I, but if it's in the name, like if it's like Gulf shrimp, I don't need to know it came from there, man.
I lived right by there for a good chunk of time.
I don't, I don't want to eat food that's coming out of there, dude.
I watched a black guy on a horse ride his horse to about knee deep,
knee deep for the horse water in Gulf of Mexico.
And it's just shit in the water.
This was like 20 yards from where I was playing.
And then just ride his horse back,
you know,
onto the seawall or whatever the fuck.
And that's,
and my dad and my mom were always like,
don't get in there.
People used to go in there.
This not used to, this still happens every time. time people go in that water and then they come out and then like two days later their
leg is off just yeah my cousin he came out of there gay one time yeah it can't happen to you
they've got all sorts of fucked up shit in there yeah i remember one of the first like ever stories
or like things we were talking about the show was when i saw the we were riding the ferry dude to get on it's bolivar peninsula you take the ferry too i don't
fucking remember dude but i saw dolphins like like by the shit like it's you're like maybe
fucking 10 miles from the ship channel where the motherfucker the water caught fire in the 70s
because it's all the chemical runoff oil slicks and shit. And I saw those dolphins, and I was like, these dolphins are fucked.
These are not.
These aren't like deep blue sea, like, no, these are fucking.
Hey.
Yeah, dude.
Yes, these cocksuckers do not.
Because they were trucker dolphins.
Yeah.
Hey.
Every time they come out of the.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey. Hey. Yeah, they swim sideways yeah well they would like dude they would like crest the brown like the water that's at the top of the water in galveston especially where the ferry takes you
shiny like it's always been that way it always will and they would like come out of the water
and their gray bodies were like whenever I see a video of a dolphin,
like, on Planet Life, whatever the fuck,
Earth, whatever the fuck, Joe,
they're almost like a tinge of a bluish gray.
These guys were, like, pale.
I've never really...
I've never, like...
I think I've seen dolphins before.
Mm-hmm.
I've never really fucked with the idea of dolphins,
of being near them.
Like, being in the water with them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, me neither.
I think they're beautiful animals,
but I don't want to be in their domain.
No, there was like a thing you could do
where you could like swim with them at this...
We went to Cancun once.
Or was it Cancun or was it...
I don't remember.
Yeah, in Galveston,
they bum cigs off you.
They swim up to Bum-a-Cig and and then they swim off or they got like a newport in their blowhole asking you for a lighter hey hey yeah yeah
everybody take a knee okay everybody all right i'm fucking mike the dolphin yeah
instead of squeaking it's just like.
Mommy, this dolphin has a tribal tattoo.
His wife has one right by her tail, right above her tail.
They're so fucked up, dude.
I was like, damn, it's fucked up that like.
Because I don't.
I mean, obviously whales and shit. Like, I don't know if whales are out.
I don't know the. I don't know what animals are endemic to where because i'm an idiot but if a whale is in in galveston get the fuck brother you got dude your brothers and cousins
are living high like the cape horn like off the fucking coast of madagascar they got blue ass
water they got big ass sea turtles they're that lick fucking bugs and algae off their shit.
You're hanging out in Galveston, dude.
Imagine.
I think as you get that far into the Gulf,
I think it gets pretty shallow.
No, it is nice.
I've been on a couple Carnival Cruises in my time.
$200 a room, baby.
And it gets real nice out there.
I think it's too shallow for whales for the most part, that far into the Gulf.
But I'm sure further out, you know, there's probably something out there.
Who knows?
Hey, you know, there's crazy shit everywhere.
You know?
Who knows?
Do you think they think they're landing?
Do you think they're landing?
That is under the category for me of it's none of my business.
I don't.
Okay.
If they did, hats off.
And if they did, fuck them.
I refuse to care.
Yeah, okay, cool.
If I go up there, if I get to go up there, cool.
But as it turns out, it looks like I don't.
Yeah, last I checked. It looks like I don't yeah last i checked it looks like i don't
and it looks like if people did get to go up i wouldn't be one of them yeah yeah yeah i'm in
like i'm in like sure yeah the fourth quartile for getting to go to the moon i feel lucky if i
get to go to galveston do you know what i'm saying like i'm but i can't get into every country i
don't think i don't think i get to go to the moon yeah I'm not sure if I can get into Canada there was like
a good two-year period where you had to ask to leave the county it's like yeah it's not yeah
okay the reason I ask is is that I watched uh it's been it's I'm with you 100 percent um and I
it's it's it exists in the same, not the same category.
For me, the JFK thing is a for sure done deal.
That was done.
But the moon landing thing is one of those where I'm like, damn.
You can convince me of just about anything.
Especially if you start saying like the CIA room.
But I was thinking like, man, people get really mad if you say it's fake.
Like, they get really pissed.
And if it ends up being fake, that'd be pretty, pretty, it would be funny.
Like, I know it would devastate a lot of people, but to me, it's very funny to, like, to do something like that.
Here's the thing that's fake about it to me.
And maybe culture has shifted.
Even if I had a script right for once you say this get once you fucking step on there say some cool ass shit like this i don't care if i'm an astronaut
like i'm a physicist and all this shit when i get out there here's what I'm going to say. No matter what I had planned, I'm going to go.
Damn.
Shit, boy.
Shit.
Holy motherfucking shit balls. Yeah, exactly.
It would be something like that.
This motherfucking shit is crazy.
Yeah, I would be like, fuck.
God damn.
Oh, fuck.
I'm about to shit my pants.
I wouldn't have a cool thing planned.
I didn't think about that.
That wasn't in the video, but that is very true true you don't let out a cool one small step for man
yeah i would go oh my god i'm gonna fucking die out here fuck oh oh oh fuck dude it's 300 degrees
on the surface of this cocksucker every god holy day. Holy shit. I deserve to be dead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
God, I hope my fucking ex-girlfriend
died while I was on
this trip. I can't wait to go home and fuck.
Hey, Buzz, hot mic, hot mic.
Hot mic, dude.
Oh, finally, a planet without
beep!
That's one small step for mankind
and one moon with no beep!
Neil!
Neil, no, no, no, man.
Neil, no.
No.
The cameras are on.
They're just letting them fly.
Neil, God, no.
They're live.
We're live.
Houston's live.
You can't be doing this, Luke.
No.
Oh, my God.
That's one small sick hill for a man.
One giant Heil Hitler for mankind.
Oh, my God.
No, I just like, yeah.
Neil, you got the wrong flag.
You planted the wrong flag.
You planted the wrong.
Oops.
My bad.
I brought the one from my house.
They told me I could bring something.
I did not mean to bring that one.
Dude, imagine if he planted a Confederate flag.
Dude, yeah.
These colors don't run, baby, from nothing.
Not even radiation. Oh, yeah.
I tricked you motherfuckers, didn't I?
Y'all should have looked.
I don't know why y'all didn't look at what was on the plane
before we sent it over here.
We got a Confederate flag and a gay pride flag,
which I don't think has even been designed yet.
Yeah, they don't.
That shit's not cool.
Gay pride doesn't exist yet.
It's not cool still.
Very much not.
So far, still kind of a witch hunt type thing.
Something very, a story I was reading,
because I had to confirm this.
It was talking about, it was a documentary or whatever.
And it was definitely one of those crackpot fucking documentaries, whatever.
Neil Armstrong, I forget, this guy was like a Dutch astrophysicist.
Or something.
He was like a professor or something.
And he admired Neil Armstrong before they went.
It was like, you are a brave man.
You're going crazy, crazy. And I don't know what a dutch accent sounds like i give
a shit anyway um neil was like i'm gonna bring you back a rock and the guy was like oh incredible
wow that would be so crazy can you do that and he was like i'm a fucking american baby it's 1969
it's a cold war do a fuck i won't so it goes up to the moon puts a rock in his space pocket and
then they fly back with it and he gives it to this fucking dutch idiot whatever the fuck scientist or whatever and they put it in a fucking
cube and they're like oh my god it's a fucking moon rock that this guy brought back from the
fucking moon you're crazy that this is the in recorded human history this is the craziest thing
anybody's ever fucking done we went on we went to another fucking, like a space body, you know, big rock.
Well, you know, 20 years down the road,
people are like, you know,
the skeptic community kind of rises up
and the JFK thing was still hot
in everybody's minds and blah, blah, blah.
They're like, let's test this fucking thing.
It just ended up being a piece of petrified oak.
It's just wood.
It wasn't a rock.
It was just a piece of like gray hard material that was like
it was old as fuck piece of wood which was pretty cool they were like this is literally a piece of
wood that was been calcified into like a stone it's cool but it is it's got it's like an old
it's like an extinct type of tree and uh nasa was like yeah it's crazy. Somebody probably switched it. But I just, if they faked it or if they really went,
it's funny to imagine, like,
Neil Armstrong, like, in the fucking fake space rocket,
like, I gotta give this Dutch cocksucker a rock.
I told him I'd give him one.
And then somebody from the CIA is like,
here's a piece of wood.
He's not, fucking radiocarbon dating hasn't been invented yet.
Like, we don't know we can't
tell what type of rock anything he just brings him a piece of gravel from his driveway yeah all
right i got you my best one yeah it's just a fucking piece of like lime it's a it's it's a
brick that has like this is acme on the side yeah well i grabbed it i bought this up there it's
crazy they had it up there it It's just in a pile.
It's crazy.
Yeah, I don't know how.
I got you these peach rings from the moon.
I bought them up there at the gas station.
I got you a pack of Campbell Turkish rolls and some peach rings up there at the moon at the gas station.
And also while I was up there, I looked with my space binoculars and I could see your wife's pussy.
Hey, listen.
They were selling pussy on the moon. And it was your wife's pussy. Hey, listen. They were selling
pussy on the moon
and it was your wife up there.
Yeah.
She was selling it
to all the little green men
and they were loving it.
Yep, and they were
fucking so small.
They were fucking
they had 15 of their
cocks in her at one time.
She couldn't even
barely even feel it,
I guess,
or maybe she could.
Neil, Neil, hot mic.
Neil, Neil, Neil. I can't wait to go home, I guess. Or maybe she could. Neil, Neil, hot mic. Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil.
I can't wait to go home and fuck that Polish bastard's wife.
That stupid Polack bitch.
Yeah.
God, I'm up here and I'm so fucking racist I can say whatever I want.
I'm so glad they didn't put a microphone on this space suit.
God, I fucking hate Puerto Ricans.
Woo!
Hey, hey. Woo! Hey, hey.
Woo!
Houston, we've got some...
I have a foot fetish.
Woo!
Nobody will ever know.
I have a belly button piercing.
Woo!
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
I killed my son.
Woo! Told everybody he drowned in a river, but he told me he's gay, I'm gay. I killed my son. Woo.
Told everybody he drowned in a river, but he told me he's gay.
So I said, let's go fishing, and I drowned his ass.
I made a pocket pussy.
It's in the space station.
Woo.
It's in a lunar module.
It's right there.
I made it with the ice cream MRE and a little bit of spit.
Woo.
Houston, we're going to go to a cut feed. We're. Woo! Houston, we're going to go to a cut feed.
We're going to...
Houston, we're going to go.
We're going to...
Oh, my God.
They got black guys up here.
What the fuck?
There's 18-foot tall black guys up here.
Oh, my God.
They're shooting the biggest dice you've ever seen.
They say they're descendants of Adam.
I think these are the Nephilim.
What the fuck?
Is that Yakub. What the fuck? Is that Yakub?
What the fuck?
Is that the Archangel Gabriel?
God damn,
those are some big phone posits.
Son of a bitch.
Them Jordans
have got to be size 53.
What the fuck?
Oh my God,
they got Subway sandwiches
up here.
Jared Focles up here.
Who the fuck?
Jared?
You haven't even been born yet, Jared.
You won't be famous for 50 years.
Holy shit.
Baby Jared?
Oh my God, it's baby...
Dan Schneider?
Oh my God, Hitler.
That's where they sent you, dude.
I thought you blew your brains out
out in that bunker when the Red Army came for your head.
Thank God a familiar face.
Adolf Hitler.
Never thought I'd see the likes of you again.
What the hell are you doing up here?
This is my summer home.
Mexican Hitler.
Mexican Hitler, who are you fucking?
Nick Fuentes.
Hey, everybody.
That'll do it.
Everybody.
Everybody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tell your dad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, fucking God damn it.
Honestly, I feel like
I've grown a lot through this whole
Drewski Ruby Rose thing
I wish you'd stop looking at your fucking phone
To see what these cocksuckers are saying to bitch
Look
They're saying
I'm learning a lot from them
I'm learning that I'm a freaky ass
Beep
And a lot of other stuff
Honestly it turns out guys
You can't even
Turn all the lights off
in your house and use your laptop
to airplay a video of
Ruby Rose and Drewski
making out and
max out the volume and
you turn all the lights out and you light a candle
and then you record
yourself reacting to it
for a while and you can't even do that
in the comfort of your own home anymore. You can't even encourage them
or they come on the internet and they
accuse you of stuff like jacking off
or beating your shit off to them
kissing when I literally wasn't.
If I was doing that, I wouldn't have used my
girlfriend's laptop for that.
But yeah.
You know.
She uses that laptop for work You think I'm gonna
Fucking mess that up for her
No I was doing my
Fucking research
Dude use that for
Fucking research man
You tweeted
While we were recording
This episode
I'm so sick of you dude
Dude are you whacking off
Says Drewski
That's crazy
Hey Our boy got back to us Cool We got some Dude, are you whacking off, says Drewski. That's crazy.
Hey, our boy got back to us.
Cool.
We got some cool ass motherfuckers.
We got some cool motherfuckers. We're going to do some awesome stuff.
Some awesome stuff is going to happen to Jake.
And everything bad happens to me.
And I'm going to everything bad is going to happen to me. I'm going to something bad is happens to me. And I'm going to, everything bad is going to happen to me.
I'm going to, something bad's happening to me.
Every time something bad happens, it happens to me.
Everybody hates me.
They want me dead.
And I'm going to get killed soon because everybody wants to kill me.
And they're breaking in my house and killing me every day.
It's an old folk song.
It's a Bob Singer song, I think you're saying.
Well, that old CCR song.
That old John Cougar Mellencamp song.
Yeah.
Well, everybody hates me and wishes I was dead.
And everybody wants to see me suffer more.
Maybe everybody could give me a second dad that
could die. Maybe I could get another
car that would explode.
I've been stuck in the
propeller of a fan boat for
15 years and everybody shoots
me with BB guns and every time
I see an alligator it bites my
head and sometimes I put on
my shoes and it's somebody else's
shoes so I can't come to my own
house and put my own shoes on anymore because it ends up being somebody else's shoes and so they
say whose feet are stinking and I say it's not me I look down at somebody else's shoes that stink
but it's not mine but I'm wearing them, so everybody thinks. Everybody, the boss, Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you so much, Mr. Boss.
I put on my work boots and they're high heels, so I get yelled at.
The classic Heartland Rock Working America anthem.
I put on high heels instead of my square toes.
Let's hear it, Bruce.
Well, you're going to the job site because you like to work,
and you can't find your jeans.
You accidentally put it on a skirt,
and you try and put your flannel on, but then it's a cute top,
and you're trying to put some sunscreen on, but it's makeup,
and you're trying to find your trucker hat, but it ends up being a wig,
and you're trying to find your compression shorts,
but it ends up being a thong, and you're trying to find your compression shorts, but it ends up being a thong.
And you're trying to find your wallet, but all you can find is tape for your wiener.
And you're trying to find your lunch, but all you can find is a butt plug.
And you're trying to find your socks, but all you can find is nail polish.
And you're trying to find your lunch, but all you can find is a fucking gun.
So you try to go to work, and you're trying to have some fun,
but they say you can't work like this.
You forgot your hard hat.
You brought a bonnet instead.
And I say, oh, let me grab my lunch and put it to your head.
Oh, that's a gun.
And now everybody's dead, and now you can't go to work.
Everybody, that's, I was trying to put on my square toes,
and I put on high heels instead.
By the heartland's greatest hero,
the boss himself, Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you so much, Bruce,
for coming to the American Nazi Party rally.
Bruce Springsteen, or as they call me back home,
everybody, everybody, everybody.
Because everybody likes to come to my show.
Everybody likes to have fun.
Everybody likes to have a ball.
That's what it stands for.
Yeah.
Acronym.
Everybody, everybody, everybody.
Everybody knows that before Bruce got his big break,
he was known as everybody, everybody, everybody.
Heartland Rock's greatest hero with his greatest single,
his seminal work that broke him out
into the Billboard Top 100s.
I was trying to put on my square toes
and instead I put on high heels.
I love that song, man.
I love it especially when the guy
dresses up completely like a lady
purely on accident and brings a gun
and kills everybody at the machine shop.
His union.
His union betrayed him.
So he had to do something that no other man could do, you know, which was make everybody pay.
As crazy as he went to the movie theater.
I was kind of disappointed that when you said you were trying to find your socks, you said no polish instead of pantyhose.
I really wanted you to be going for like an older kind of like.
I forgot about pantyhose.
Yeah, it's fine. I ran out of all the going for an older... I forgot about pantyhose.
I ran out of all the girl things I could think of.
No, it's cool.
I was trying to find my wallet and instead I grabbed a latte.
Yeah.
I forgot to put on my square toes
and instead I put on my Vans.
Oh, wait.
I hate it when I accidentally wear girl clothes.
I meant to grab my jacket
and I accidentally wore a confident smile
Man that sucked really bad
I think it's beautiful
When Democrat women are confident
Oh god
You like it when I say stuff like that
Honestly
I think we need
More confident
Smiling diverse Democrat women in this country.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, for sure, man.
For sure, dude.
Man, that's tough.
Do you think I could look like Ruby Rose if I wanted to, if I put my mind to it?
Do I think you could look like a black woman?
No.
I think that's sort of outside
of what you're capable of looking like
with your current...
No, I just meant confidence-wise.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, confidence-wise, probably.
Yeah, no problem.
Do you think I would probably have to be
in a relationship with Drewski?
No, I mean, I think...
I think you would have a hard time
getting him to leave Ruby Rose
on account of she's um ruby rose or
whatever but i mean what do you mean i'm thomas yeah but look confidence look i'm gonna i'm gonna
say something that could be misconstrued or could be seen as mean and maybe it is confidence only
gets you so far in this world um this is a material world and you're do you think do you
think maybe like he would he would like hear like my like my I have sort of like a laugh I do
Where like when people hear it they get more comfortable
Around me
And I think if I did that around him
He would probably get more comfortable with me
And maybe want to be friends
Maybe I mean I understand where you're coming from
That you have
You have an infectious personality for sure
Yeah no like when I laugh like that,
people, like, they don't tense up like they loosen up.
Right.
They don't immediately understand that you're fake laughing
and that you're uncomfortable.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
People like it.
Ah, man.
I need to start doing that more in conversations
next time we do a live show with somebody
we should just both only laugh like that
I'm going to start doing that in job interviews
I do that to Ashley sometimes
she really fucking can't stand it
it's so much fun to do
it makes me genuinely laugh when I fake laugh.
Oh man.
Wow.
Yeah.
She really hates it.
She hates it a lot.
Yeah.
It's nice.
It's fun to have a girlfriend that you can,
uh,
that she's kind of so dug in with you that you can kind of just slightly like
psychologically torture.
Yeah.
Like,
like,
uh,
yeah.
She really doesn't like that one either. you can kind of just slightly like psychologically torture. Yeah, like, like, yeah. Just like she loves you or something.
She really doesn't like that one either.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
People probably like hearing it.
People like it.
People like it.
Hey, if you're listening to this,
that means that you don't pay for it.
Or maybe you do
and you also listen to free ones.
But you didn't pay for this one specifically.
You didn't pay for this one.
Which is okay.
Which is acceptable because it's free.
You need to go to patreon.com slash pindeotime and toss us a little bit of money.
One dollar gets you access to the Discord.
I saw somebody unsub, which is fine.
But they unsubub from the dollar one
also fine
oh I didn't get access to the discord
the link is pinned at the top of the page
so when you
and people have messaged me about like hey man how do I get added
if you do not get auto added this has been a problem
that we've been having consistently
where if you sign up for patreon
and it's not the same email as discord
and some other issue that Patreon sent me in support,
that they won't auto-add you to the Discord.
So if you go, I have a permanent link up on, pinned to the top of the page, that has the link to the Discord.
So if you are listening to this and you are a paid sub and you did not get auto-added to the Discord,
please go to the top of the Patreon page and click that link and you will get added.
Five bucks a month gives you access to the Discord plus a bonus episode every week.
We have a whole backlog of those.
We've been doing this shit a long ass motherfucking time, motherfucker.
Motherfucker?
Motherfucker.
Ten bucks a month gives you access to all that shit plus a bonus video episode.
We just dropped Maze on Patreon.
We also do a
free video episode now every month go
check that out on YouTube page Pandejo
time worldwide has a bunch of our clips
old video episodes favorite sketches we
just have the one right now and then you
can pay us with the books month if you
want if you got like that but only like
two guys do it right now and they're
just really cool guys and they have a
lot of money I think one is like a robot
doctor I'm not kidding I think he's like a robot doctor. I'm not kidding.
I think he's like a doctor of robots.
And then the other guy is just at a freedom show.
Thanks, fellas.
But you can be among doctors, robots, and funny guys if you have money like that.
That's about all I got.
I got nothing to plug.
Thomas, you're going to go kill a lot of people later.
Do you want people to show up to that?
Yeah, I'm going to be at the Staplers Parade at the Grand Clamble Plaza,
and we're going to see how many people we can get to start getting.
Yeah, we're going to see how many people explode.
I got 100,000.
I ordered 100,000 bees on Amazon,
and we're going to start giving them fucking grain alcohol and see what happens.
So I hope I can catch
as many of you guys
as possible
on Crossfire.
Do all that shit.
But I thank you guys
for listening.
Thanks.
We loy,
we goosta you guys.
We goosta you motherfuckers.
Of course.