Pendejo Time - Body By God

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Been so depressed man I was thinking about buying a metal detector today. Just to have something to walk around with you ever get like that. Don't know what the ep's aboutSupport the Show.

Jesus Christ. Oh man, I think that, you know, I don't own a pair of overalls, but I imagine that it just imbues you with some power, some confidence. Dude, I feel so cool. my dad got me these and well the straps you can't tell they're a little bit long they're a little bit long folks they're a little bit long

and so I was going to adjust them I was going to adjust them yeah I don't know how and so what I ended up doing was I think I'll show you. Everybody else, you don't get to see. So I bent this with my hand

like a lot. And I broke it, but I fixed it. Here's the thing like uh you know again it's it's it's more of a visual thing thomas is wearing just overalls in those shirt right now but from the shoulders up it just on my end looks like you just have like suspenders on and then like a corset like a look like i got an apron on but it's way too high you should uh your next landscaping gig or whatever you should just like wear that and like a pair of angel wings you know just yeah just and you know just just for some like maga construction millionaire guy and and you're like, hey, so – and just don't acknowledge that you have them on, just the angel wings and no shirt and no underwear. And cut the bottoms off the suspenders so they're kind of like daisy digs.

And you're like, yeah, we're going to need to – I'm going to need to dig some gutters out, and we're going to need to, you know, sort of – obviously, you're gay because we want to avoid the natural where you've got the water lines in your house. And the guy's like hey man why are you dressed like that and you're like i don't understand why you interrupted me i'm i'm here to do a job and and and i'm dressed like a working man dresses just have a little like a tiara on i've basically done that before not well i've done that but um i don't in the summer i don't wear a shirt yeah i don't work yeah that goes for anywhere that i work generally and so i've been in like you know suburban neighborhoods before you know i'll take my shirt off at 9 a.m and uh and you know like somebody will be like somebody tell i gotta put a shirt on you know like jokingly

you know and i'll be like hey I'm here to work you know if you don't want me to work here I can go somewhere else yeah you think I want to be here digging holes for you you idiot the fucking when you did the

the kids these days don't know how to eat pussy right video you did a yell in that video that reminded me of every senior adult, male adult in my life. There's this kind of like,

when a Texan man gets past the point of anger, it kind of sounds like he's puking. It's like, you don't know! There's something guttural about it yeah but guttural and also nasally like it's it's it's it's screaming and it's like you know how bosses be like and you're like it's in the throat yeah it's very throat and just top of the nose and you're like dude why do you because like if you're trying to sound intimidating in this moment you sound like like a sickly child like it's not i'm not like i don't want to listen to you anymore then are you flexing on them right now dude i'm not

even flexing right now dude if you came back with the over the coveralls on and then you put the whole podcast you were like yeah yeah you couldn't really see it, but I'm pretty cut up. Like, I'm kind of just the – I'm kind of just super shredded right now. Like, you know, I've been – Yeah, I've been thinking about getting on a deck of balling actually because I'm like too lean right now. I kind of need to bulk back up. But, yeah. What's your favorite outfit?

Holy shit. Jesus Christ. That's a funny question because like my friends and my girlfriend, they tell me it's like, i just wear like a big jacket any i have a lot of jackets and then i wear like a dirty ass like clearly like recently cummed on t-shirt or like a shitty button up and and i'll try to go to dinner like that or like a going out place like somebody just graduated or like a friend of mine got a new job and they're like yeah you need to like dress up a little bit so i'll put on like a denim coat that mine got a new job and they're like, yeah, you need to like dress up a little bit. So I'll put on like a denim coat that's got a bunch of like stupid patches on it.

And then like a holy dirty, like old band t-shirt and then jeans that I've had for like 10 years. And I'll be like, yeah, I'm ready to go. And they're like, you look like a heroin addict. You look like a piece of shit. I mean, you do like in your resting state. shit uh i mean you do like in your resting state you could you could think like a lot more struggles than you have dude i think uh we probably won't i mean you know you guys are you guys are getting the good shit right now i don't know you know what we we swung for the fences for that first hour but i think if i had like ever because when it's funny that

you say that and i said that when i would go to group therapy or when i was admitted myself to hospital i dressed like i was going to church and so maybe that like they were like oh this guy's doing good you know like i had a really nice it was ironed like before i went and told the doctor that i was thinking about jumping off a parking garage and killing myself, I ironed my shirt. So I don't know what that means about me, but anyway, maybe if I had worn what I'm wearing now, you know, like a big denim barn jacket and a dirty t-shirt, they would have said, yeah, we'll, we'll give you a million dollars for being depressed.

Hey man, you're super sexy looking. You kind of look like, kind of look like Kurt Cobain. So not only are we going to give you some therapy, we're going to give you half a million dollars in the pocket. We're looking so strung out. Have you ever been a model? Are you a model? Yeah.

I always think it's funny when, like,, I see like, you know, like what male models look like. It's kind of funny, like how it ranges, you know, because for like high fashion, you just have to be like 80 pounds. Cheekbones. Yeah. Yeah. But then you see an ad for like, you know, Academy or something and like Cabela's and it's just it just nowadays it just it just looks like your dad or something it's like your dad your dad's probably way uglier than them but but it looks like you know like i i uh so when i was in mexico this was a long time ago. Yeah, it better have been. Yeah, because, yeah.

You can buy Tylenol 3, which is a mild painkiller over the counter. That's the third one they came up with. Yeah, yeah. Tylenol 4 is the good one. And a great joke, Thomas. I'm sorry. Don't hit him. Don't hit him.

You should have seen me earlier. It was all worse than this somehow. He was just shooting from the hip and hitting bullseye. Both of us, dude. We were just fucking. We were just. Yeah. John Wick and the Jokes.

Batting a thousand. Batting a thousand. But yeah, in Mexico. And so they had the antibiotics on a shelf. And I had actually gotten food poisoning of some sort so i was looking for medicine i was at the pharmacy in in mexico um and uh and so anyway the the pharmacy uh they had pictures above each medicine that correlated with the type of medicine that you get so the antibiotics had a big picture of like a weird looking germ.

It was like a Photoshop weird looking germ picture. I saw them look weird. Yeah. And then. They look creepy. Me? No, they eat germs. Yeah.

Yeah. So that was, but it correlated with. They look scary. They're frightening. They're the worst thing i've ever seen but the picture for the picture for uh the painkiller section and the muscle relaxer section was a white family sitting in a field holding hands in a circle every other every other fucking every other medicine directly correlated like there was a parasite like diarrhea like diarrhea medicine aisle it had a little picture like a medical picture of a little worm in an intestine

and then the and then the viral and bacterial section that had like a picture of a virus and then there was like a like a like a pain just like an ibuprofen section that was a guy like oh but the muscle relaxer and pain medicine like the opiate section was a white family and in a field they were holding hands and their eyes were closed and i i was like you know i was out doing stupid shit just traveling with whatever money i could fucking scrounge together and and fucking being like hey i asked the guy on the counter i was like why'd you pick this picture for this he was like oh well tourists come in here to like get painkillers i figured they would and like he put that in there and i was like all right how much are your pain how much what's your what is what is your going rate for

like 90 soma he was like the equivalent of like five american dollars and i was like yeah i have nine dollars that i can spend today so anyway i think that like i'm just saying i think we should legalize opiates and muscle relaxers because currently i can't do them out of a moral obligation but if they were were made legal, I could probably – I could figure that out. Well, neither of us have done anything illegal before. Never. You know what? I've never even been arrested in my life. Me neither. You can check the records on that one. You shouldn't. Don't do that. I don't know why I said that. You don't do that.

Do people know your last name on the internet? They don't mind. They don't, typically, but I don't really care that much. I don't have a funny last name, so

it's not like a cool... I'm not trying to dox you, but I think I know what it is. I don't think – try again. Try it. Try coming up with a lesson. Yep, that's what it is. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, because you stack millions and I'm – You stack pennies. Yeah, but I know – I'm an Intel guy. I'm on the inside. Yeah, I'm Intel and you're the money guy. And together we make $250 a month on... Can you stop flexing? We're not flexing right now.

We're not flexing. Because we're on Zoom. What are you... I am inside you. Okay, so... I am inside you um um did you okay so uh I about the name thing so I uh occasionally

I I will straight up forget that I like that I like uh release my name on the internet uh and so a guy will dm me with like the three followers right and he'll be like jake dude hey man can i get a follow but or like hey funny post like they'll quote tweet it and dm the quote and i'm how the fuck do you know my name dude who the

fuck are you and then i remember that like i routinely like face docs myself yeah yeah and and and so i don't know like maybe i should stop doing that i feel like it's too late like everyone knows who i am pretty much yeah well the good thing you know especially for us is nobody really cares yeah no no one no one gives a shit no one like no i have a pretty name. I've had people like try to dox me before. And they're all, they, nobody ever. One time somebody sent like a, a post of mine to my boss through a Google voice number a couple of years ago.

Nice. But it was fine. I didn't get fired or anything. I remember some online communist tanky type person. Literally all I did was like a CIA GoFundMe post. It was Andy Post, the Twitter guy. I liked the post that said – his very good and funny post. I just liked it. It said, under socialism, all premium Snapchats will be made available

to the people. You know, not a dinger. Just his own base. Just a single. It's more than a single. It's just a double. You're on double. It's an RBI for sure.

I like that post. I get a DM. it's like hey you're you're ruining your reputation and i was like what reputation and they were like you know you're you're uh you used to be you know like a like a dedicated leftist on the internet and and and at some time i hadn't gone a couple i'd gone to like two reading groups for like i just read capitalism people and i was like hey man i don't know how to tell you this but i like don't like this is like uh i i like to read books with people and i talk to people but i don't like i don't like spray paint like capital buildings i don't like put pig's heads on people's houses.

Like y'all are, y'all are on some other shit. I just, I just didn't want to jack off that night. So I went and read Capitol with some people, you know, anyway, the person was like, there are consequences for your actions. And I was like, what, what are you talking about? And they were like, no, not really usually. Well, I mean, you know, I was kind of concerned admittedly because you know, my job is the job I do have is, you know, I am subject maybe to, to, not really, usually. Well, I mean, you know, I was kind of concerned, admittedly, because, you know, my job is, the job I do have is, you know, I am subject maybe to people. But anyway, my boss knows about what I do.

Like, they know that I'm, that I told them, I was like, look, man, I, Jesus, my neighbors are on some other shit. Sorry, my upstairs neighbors. And, and so I wasn't really too worried, but it was super stupid to like i didn't even post like dude i feel like that shit's reserved for guys that just post the hard r like every two minutes and it's all i did was like a post about like pussy videos and then suddenly i you know it's like do this what what do you want me to do what do you want to do i i'm not i'm not a guy that's really into like like i'm a left adjacent guy but i'm like not a guy that's like we gotta i don't care i don't dude i drink beer i jack off

i post on the internet i read the books i play guitar i don't this is not my job yeah yeah yeah well i i do understand to a certain extent. But I mean in terms of thinking you represent anything, that's the thing I more have a problem with. Whenever people think if you're a member of some small circle that you you know everyone who thinks people should have health care or whatever yeah well i think there's this there's this profound and this isn't funny it's just like me spouting off the whole thing now nonsense but there's this weird thing where it's like if you make a bad joke or like think a bad joke's funny you're suddenly like devoid of empathy you know like you're completely devoid of it like you're like if i make a bad joke or say a bad word online or on this podcast or any anything i've ever guessed it on or done stand-up

suddenly i'm like joseph mangal you know you're akin to people who've done atrocities it's like no man yeah and for the record i don't know who that is but i'm gonna roll with it he's a doctor that tortured little jewish babies i don't believe it i'm just kidding dude if you would uh it would be very funny like 25 episodes in we're making like a cool 622 dollars you're like have you ever thought about how like the pot like holocaust it just doesn't add up yeah the pictures like the smokestacks or whatever and you're like yeah yeah i saw a facebook like maybe like 250 000 that's more accurate you know what's it i uh i uh because i i don't like i don't vet every person that like dms me or like hits my replies and so every now and then you know like you go to a guy's account that's followed you that that's been following you or whatever, and the guy – his bio is like Rhodesian 1488.

And you're like, am I funny to this guy? Like am I committing some egregious sin? Yeah. What am I doing that he relates to the things I talk about? Like am I committing – what am I doing? I have a post like, oh i'm having uh some ribs for lunch it's like retweeted by the chinese killer i'm like oh yeah it's yeah it's always innocuous shit like uh lady cut me off in traffic and then some guy dms you with your own post he's like yeah

i hope women die like a lot and fast and And you're like, I just was mad. I don't, yeah, I don't. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, dude, have you ever considered like, you know, like, have you ever read like the protocols, the elders of Zion? Like, do you know what that's about? And I'm like, no, I don't. I read stuff I like to, I don't know what you're talking about and they're like yeah man you uh you're really funny and then their bio again is like uh Dylan Roof innocent or something

you're like oh Jesus Christ blocked on site but it's worse it's worse when you get follow policed you know and and and some guy that maybe maybe a real life I don't know this has only happened to me like one or two times. But someone's like, hey, I just want to let you know you follow this guy, and he's like a real-life racist or like he's racist on the internet. And I'm like, dude, he posted a funny picture once, and I just hit that – I just hit it, and his politics don't matter to me. Maybe I'm a bad person for that. I don't care. I don't really give a shit.

Like if he's not actively killing people or like doing swastika posts, I don't really give a shit. If he's not actively killing people or doing swastika posts, I don't really care. Maybe I'm a bad person. I don't care. You are a bad person. I have been trying different energy drinks lately. Okay, let me hear it.

Well, I would like to start getting some for free. You know, I think every podcast I'm on, I usually mention what I'm sipping on. Today, I'm not sipping on anything but i think last uh last time it was a grape nos and i still have the can on my desk we're not posting the video to this but with the audio well because i'm not wearing a shirt but um but uh a few months ago i uh i i emailed rain energy i don't know if you are familiar with them. Yeah. I said I was a fitness influencer.

I told them I make workout videos, which is true because I've posted like two videos of me squatting 135. Or like kicking bags or whatever. Yeah. They haven't emailed me back. Like kicking bags or whatever. Yeah, yeah. They haven't emailed me back. And, well, I'm just annoyed about it. I don't have a strong punchline there.

It's just something. Punchlines aren't needed, you know. I mean, it's all about the phone. If a spokesman for the brand maybe get back to me and explain what the heck is going on there. Because I think i'm perfect i uh i get uh i get calls like twice a day from like credit card companies that i've burnt and not paid the debt that i owe them and uh something i've started doing uh well two things i started doing the first one is this isn't very effective and i actually found out it's super

legal so i stopped doing it and started doing the second thing but the first thing i was doing is that i would answer the phone they'd be like is this row you know so and so jake blah blah blah and i'd be like no he died uh i'm one of his good friends i uh we're actually best friends he gave me his phone number and they were like one out of 10 credit lenders would be like oh my god we'll take you off the list i'm so sorry and they would just like i guess delete my debt i mean it's not it still exists but but the other nine would be like dude what are you uh we have your voice we know who we're a credit card company we know who you are Like it's not – and so I found out through a couple of people. Like I Googled it that that's like super illegal apparently to like fake your own death.

To claim you died? To fake your own death to avoid like a legal like death. Yeah, yeah. So what I started doing – Well, it's like insurance fraud is real. Yeah. They'll catch you on that quick usually. Yeah.

So what I started doing is when they – I know when they call because my phone says like account services or something. So I'll go – if I'm on my laptop and I'm working, I'll Google – literally I will Google scary sounds, and then I will put my phone on speaker, and it will be like – I said okay. Like speaking Latin and some gutter nonsense, and then i'll laugh while that's playing until they hang up and that's been the most effective like it'll just be like for like like maybe 30 seconds and then me in the background i'll actually leave my phone in living room and then go to my room so it's got a little bit of an acoustic echo to it and i'll be like and they eventually just they're like yeah i don't this guy's clearly like law like he doesn't have much he's not gonna pay his debt

because if this is his phone number and he's just fucking with me this guy is clearly like not gonna pay us the money that he legally owes us. Yeah. I used to do the sound effect thing. I'd find like a five or six hour coughing compilation, put it on max volume on my laptop, plug the laptop in so it wouldn't die and put it to where it didn't have the

automatic sleep thing. With my college roommates, you know, it was like three separate tiny rooms, you know it was like um it was like three separate tiny rooms you know and we were on the same unit anytime they're being annoying i would do that and keep the volume at max lock my door and then grab the key and just leave the coughing there like the whole night like i'd leave go out have fun and it would just be every few seconds like it was just one guy coughing for like six to eight hours a lot of times and i'd get back the next morning and you know like they wouldn't say anything because they

were too passive-aggressive but it'd always be funny like they clearly knew that i was doing it because it was the same one every time but yeah i had when i would uh when i would have like um me and my roommates would have big parties um not big ones just like kickbacks or whatever like something like a bit like one guy would be like i'm gonna dj all night i'm gonna play the music it's it's gonna be me or whatever and we were you know just and and so he would hook his shit up to the bluetooth and he would play music all fucking night and into the morning and then we would pass the fuck out you know and i'm kind of an early riser no matter how late i go to sleep uh unless my sleep schedule

gets fucked up i usually wake up pretty early so i'd wake up smoke a cigarette you know like dude like write or play guitar but i'd be up at like six in the morning and uh i'd be in the kitchen making like sausage or like bread for my roommates like just doing good guy stuff and then i would suddenly hear reality kings, you know, like bang, bus all off the surround sound speakers that were owned by the guy who had a lot of money and it was like it was unreasonably loud. Like it would be like

bang, like it would be like, this is the shit you hear before you're about to jack off. And that shit, it would play for like literally three and a half seconds and then it and then it would cut off and then i would hear fucking god damn like from somebody's room and like that was just the clear like and that and and and it wasn't even a one-time thing like dude i did it i was i like we all did it at least once like i i remember one night you know i i was because i rarely ever

got aux privileges i'm not really a good party dj i like the music i listen to and i don't really listen to like hanging out party music so one time i got it and then i i blacked out i passed out my bed i woke up and like when i'm hung over sometimes i jack off so i was like yeah we got upset and i and and it was funny because the the bluetooth speaker that we had had a had a sort of a latency right so like i i remember when it happened i was laying in my bed and i hit play and the audio wasn't playing and i was like what the fuck like and i and i went to hit i pressed the volume up button on my phone dude and then like a second and a half later because cause, cause me, I don't have time.

I'm a quick jerk. I just skipped to like 19 minutes of the 30 minute video. And whenever the fucking is going on, Jack, I'm good. So I did that before the volume started and it was just like, you know, and I'm like, and it was playing on like, like the kind of surround sound speakers you get when your dad's like the ceo of a medicare like like a health care company so the whole house was just like and i in that moment i was like dude i uh i had kind of a reflective moment where i was like am i jerking off hung over at 6 45 like today hasn't even really started

i'm still kind of drunk and in this moment i'm like the first thing you need to do is to like is is is and maybe in some people that are listening maybe that's you but for me i'm just i'm a little bit more refined i would like to think i'm more refined than that and like before i even have a sip of water in the morning the first thing i'm doing is watching hardcore pornography you know i'm like all right yeah see that's not shameful for me but if you do that and then you do it again at like 9 30 a.m that's been me before where it's like okay at that point it's like are we gonna like dedicate the day to this like is that it's your day just never gonna start like yeah you hit you hit like i don't know 7 p.m that day and it's it's like time for another it's like dude this is yeah that's your whole day let's say

you get one you know i don't know for me something that's like 4 30 in the morning you know you wake up you got woken up by something you know noise or some shit some machine girl's cat or something you know and you know just for example uh or you know and then you're to sleep, but then you wake up at like some weird time, like maybe 830, which is a very normal time to wake up. But like when you've had a, you know, weird night, it's just like a, I always like to wake up at like a bad time to wake up, if that makes sense. Like if I have a night where it ends at like 3 in the morning and I wake up at like 8, that's very unsettling for me because that tells me I'm supposed to just have a normal day. me i'm supposed to just have a normal day you know yeah if i wake up at like if i go to sleep at like three and i wake up at four like an hour later i'm like cool perfect let's roll with it

yeah you know or if i wake up at two in the afternoon i'm like perfect yeah if i wake up at like 7 38 i'm like do i uh i don't know do i mow the lawn or, I don't know, do I mow the lawn or something? I don't know. I hate waking up early. Well, here's the thing, because, like, I'm the kind of person, if I don't have, like, a routine that's, like, work out, work my job, work out again, work again, go to bed, I sort of go nuts. So, like, with being injured, I'm kind of, like, literally, I'll just, like, look at screensavers and, like, houses I can't afford on my phone until, like, five in the morning. And then I'll be like look at screensavers and like houses I can't afford on my phone until like five in the morning. And then I'll be like, oh, okay. All right. Well, you know.

And so like I, my friends, I have friends of mine who have like very good paying jobs. Not good, not even good paying. They're just like decent living. They're like man how's teaching you know and like how's like getting your master's and i'm like that's fine and they're like yeah i i thought you know we're on instagram and you posted like a video of you like uh like uh sewing like a wound on your like you were like fingering something at like five in the morning you're good right and i'm like no not really i just like i stopped working out and like i don't really like give a fuck really anymore but like it's shitty that i i wish i could be the person that didn't have like the kind of people who don't have to have a routine to have

yeah like my friends that could just hang out and be like yeah who don't have to have a routine to happen yeah like my friends that could just hang out and be like yeah i don't get really depressed or nothing or weird when like nothing's happening it's me if i'm not busy meaningfully busy by the way like not not nonchalantly immediately busy but meaningfully if i'm not busy i'm literally like yeah dude i could be a super villain like i could be kind of like a B Lex Luthor. Like, I mean, just the right, the right scenario or to happen to a guy like me, I go bald, I get jacked. And then I just figure out science. Like I could kill probably like half a million people and no one would even

care. Cause I would be like a villain. They couldn't stop me from doing it. You know? Oh yeah. It's like, uh, anytime I get suspended on something. And I mean know this is like you know a gay topic to bring up but it's like i mean you have to admit like that is like a major part of your life you know whether you like it or not like my routine you know and unfortunately yeah i'll be on like a one week time out or something and i'll just post like screenshots from notes apps of like ideas i'm working on you know like and it'll be like 40 a day yeah and people are like hey dude are you like going through something i'm like no dude this is what i like normally do every single day and i

like love it and they're like all right man i was just checking on you but yeah cool when when people i don't know and this happens it hasn't happened in a minute um because i i think i've just sort of like not been doom posting as much because i used to but like is you're really happy i'm not yeah you're happy yeah i'm a happy guy dude yeah dude you're happy you love it you're so happy i'm the happiest when guys uh i would get messages there for a minute like last summer uh hey man dude i just want to say you're a really funny guy and like you shouldn't like drink yourself like to death or like do cocaine until you die and those messages are i don't need to be more but they're very funny to me because it's like what if i just wasn't funny but i was still like a drug addict and like you know would it be the one for most people yeah yeah yeah like i didn't have i wasn't tuned in to stay i you know i i just

wasn't a part of some stupid little corner of the internet that like provided people with some minor like humor relief. If I was just a guy that was just addicted to Percocet and I did not, you know, Hey man, you shouldn't like, you know, you're a funny guy and it seems like you're a nice guy, you know, and I would like to be your friend. It's like, Hey, check it out, dude. Shut the stop. Like, I, I know that you're doing this in good faith but i'm also like uh like this isn't like your redefining moment you know in his mind maybe he's like oh this guy i'm gonna tell him that being alive is cool yeah and and when i do that

like disney world's gonna hire me and i'm gonna be mickey mouse no man you're dming a guy on twitter who routinely posts like jacking off at disney world and get my ass ate and you think that like because he hasn't posted in a day that he's gonna kill himself but you're gonna save him by like dming him like i love you man i don't want to marry you see i'm the type to check up on people but like for really selfish reasons okay i'll just be like i'll be like hey man i don't want to feel bad in like two weeks if you feel and i like ignored it so i'm gonna say this and then if you do it it's like your fault and not mine you don't have to worry about it i won't even i'll pause so i'll just like you know maybe retweet something that said you're a good guy but i don't really think about it after that yeah when i dm'd you that i was i was having

a rough time you were like hey man i uh i'm just gonna let you know that i'm gonna pretend to be your really good friend so i get i think your info was if i died you would get pussy from it is that was yeah i'm gonna put you on the spot but it's very funny no like um especially like if it had been you know like a few months ago where like it was like uh i mean he's a guy i guess i respect it in a very like not real sense you know like i didn't know he's funny online or whatever yeah yeah you know but like the i guess empathy is like a weird thing because you you want to like i feel like people only emphasize because they empathize.

I'm learning English tonight. They only do that really like in human nature now. It's not like a survival instinct or anything. You just want credit. You're just engaging in like an exchange of like clout, really. Yeah. That sounds really cynical. I don't think it's all that.

But I think in my head for sure, I'll empathize with people sometimes, and I'm like, I don't think they really mean that much to me. I don't really know what that is. Our relationship mostly as friends now, and I do consider us friends. And in some ways I mean look you have power over me in so far as that you I'm a dom but here's the thing I'm a sniper I'm the top

situation but you know here's the thing I'm in there like a swimwear baby if you and me make like you know what? It's very funny to imagine making like – sharing it 50-50, making like 1,000 each of this podcast. Do you know how fucking absolutely insufferable I would be? I would be like – think it would be a real

Barry Gordy situation in which you still hadn't logged in and you told us we were making like $50 a month and I'd be like cool and you'd just be bringing home like $65, $50 and I'd be like yeah dude we're still trying to get it started and people are telling me like now dude you have

like a thousand patrons I'm like that's probably not true i've talked to jake about it you you email me and you're like hey man i uh i know you sent me the login info but i haven't logged in but someone's telling me that the patreon's making like eight grand a month and i'm like yeah it's gotta be a glitch yeah it's gotta be like, I'm like, you, you cashed up to me $20. And you're like, yeah, dude, I'm actually reinvesting most of the income back into the business. I'm like tight. That works. What on? And you're like, don't worry about it. I'm like, I won't, I won't. That's cool.

Well, because you're already a millionaire. Like you're clearly like a. Close to a billionaire. Yeah. Yeah. You're, you're crushing it, dude. I got so many cool. I got a couple of DMs.

Got so many dollars. I'm sucking on them. You got so many dollars. You're sucking on them. That's what they'd say when you. No, I get DMs from people that are like, I get DMs like, oh, yeah, podcasts are dead. What are you doing? And, oh, you want to start a podcast with that guy? He thinks women are stupid, and I have to say – Yes. yeah, I have to say, yeah, they are. I don't understand.

And then guys are also stupid. Yeah, everyone's an idiot except for me. I don't really know. I think it's silly to think it's always punching down to make fun of women. I'm punching in every direction, baby. Like women, it's like half of... I'm not a mathematician.

It's like half of people. I can't even tell half of people. I'm not even like... It's half of people. Come on, man. I don't think that I have a that's half a people come on man it's like i don't think that uh i have a hard time when i when friends of mine are like hey man that why do you why would you say that it's not funny i'm like man i don't really think about the things that i say on the internet

i really don't it's just like you have a thought and you're like that you know and even when I did stand up and I did stand up recently you know it's like I I don't really like writing jokes for me isn't a process it's like this made me laugh really hard was it about like getting AIDS and dying? Yeah, sure it was, but it made me laugh. So when people DM me like, hey, you follow this guy on Twitter and his bio says 1488, I hate brown people. I'm like, look, man, he posted a really funny video once. Yeah. I don't – I will unfollow him.

Yeah. Maybe. Thomas is going to change his bio soon. Yeah. The MLK of fighting women is – the implications of that are very funny because it implies that, of course, you must be nonviolent in your approach to fighting women but you should change it you know what you should do dude you should change it to the Malcolm X of fighting women

be the same joke no that's racist you're being racist dude you know I had a teacher in high school who no no I'm going to sort this out. Okay, I'm listening. I'm listening. No, I brought up Malcolm X one time in like a – no, I might have been wearing a Malcolm X shirt.

No, it was a Muhammad Ali shirt I think about it and she said in a very disgusted voice which is a funny thing funny way to say this she said I thought that was Malcolm X

and it was just a picture of Muhammad Ali clearly standing over Sonny Liston or whatever he had knocked him out it's like a pretty iconic picture and it was just on picture of Muhammad Ali clearly standing over Sonny Liston or whatever. He had knocked him out. Yeah. It's like a pretty iconic picture. And it was just on like a Ross T-shirt. Like it's like a college guy picture. Yeah.

I was like, Malcolm X is a boxer or whatever. I think he was a boxer. And she was like, no, just a terrible man. Talking about Malcolm X. I'm like, oh, well. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes Evan my only uncle by blood

he I can't even really tell the story to give it the comedic effect he's profoundly racist he's my mom's brother and he what's his full name John Jacob J.elheimer Schmidt.

He – one day we were – this was like I had – I came home from school. And obviously like the uncle and cousin and nephew arguments are beat to death. It's not funny, really. But this one was so profoundly blunt. He was like, I ain't a racist, you know, but I saw I saw Quan. We all live in Houston or, you know, they live in right outside Houston. He was like, I saw Quan LX in the road and i revved my engine at him and i thought about hitting him with my truck and i was like why and he's like because he's loud and mouthy

and kind of ugly looking and i was like okay so what's your issue with him and he was like i'm not a racist i ain't not i ain't you know i love i love the president but. I ain't not, I ain't, you know, I love, I love the president, but I ain't racist, but he just, he's loud and he's kind of just looks like he stinks. And I'm kind of like, okay, so what we're talking about here is that you, as a person, are profoundly racist. You're not like, I'm not, not even in a position of woke nonsense. you're not like i'm not not even in a position of woke nonsense you wanted to crash into a guy and kill his body with your car because he was on fox news and was saying maybe like black people are humans and and was maybe doing some farrakhan shit you know and and he was like yeah good yeah as you should and he was like yeah you know when when they get all talking up, but you kind of get mad. And I was like, yeah, I remember like why I don't like hang out like with this side of the family. You're a sick, like, dude, I don't, it's funny because I've talked to people and they accuse me of like exaggerating like the white trash stories i'm like man i really don't know how

to describe it to you like i really don't know how else like no i know like exactly what you mean yeah um like uh whenever i started working more like um i guess blue collar is such like a meaningless term now but harder labor yeah just physical labor like you work at a restaurant or something like you might get some of that yeah and working in a restaurant is worse in a lot of ways you know like sexual harassment ways terrible terrible But like you get into construction in Texas, I can't like even verbalize how like deeply prejudiced. we talked about this like there's this romanticization of the worker amongst like twitter people who never work construction in their lives or any any plant job and they're like they're all they all love if you just tell them about socialism they'll love it and they're like and i'm like dude if you've never worked to like a hard labor job in your life you're out of your

fucking mind these guys are are like yeah you know i i like it when like people die they don't look like me yeah yeah i think one misconception is that like is also that like uh you know guys just love to use slurs all the time but they're all like secretly friends yeah that's i would say that's true between and this is a real real kind of local thing. I'm not going to extrapolate this to the working class or whatever because I'm not speaking for anybody other than my own experiences. Like I guess I'll put it bluntly. The Mexicans and the white people get along okay in that they both hate black people. Yeah. No, that's not like – they both hate black people yeah no that's not

like dude you're not like i mean you're not forcing anything yeah and that's with the white people still looking down on you know the latinos you know because you know they pay him less and everything and uh and all that but like uh it's weird just to think about like um just internationally because uh you know like racism we we think of it really as an american problem a lot of times yeah but uh but it's it's like a really generous way of looking at it. You've got a bunch of Nazis in South America and all that who are – I don't know. It's just weird how Pew Politics plays into it. I'm not smart enough to make any genuine statement about it, but it's i i people ask me in my program and we get

to talking shit and i'm like dude right wing shit is back in such a big way insofar as that like it's easier to go on stage and be like everybody you that's causing your problems is people don't look like you. Yeah. And then you're like, yeah, that makes sense. It's easier to say that like, yeah, your problem is your boss or whatever. And this is not a politics podcast. I swear to God, I swear this has been a better run than the first run.

If someone's like, actually, you know, but I in the DMs or whatever, I'm gonna i'm gonna throw up here's an open disclaimer i might make some stuff up if i'm talking i forget what i was saying i'll still say something yeah and it might not be what i was starting the sentence with um but yeah i think generally and i hate to like act like i am an expert in really anything, but it's pretty simple in that the worst – economically, the worst things are, the easier it is to appeal to people in sort of like a racial populism manner. I mean that's not me making a little stupid phrase how I take which I hate I wish y'all would stop saying that because I don't know what it means but like you know I mean that's just like a that's just

a part of life and that's you know the south we're not in the deep south but where it's economically – I think we are. I think we are. No, the deep south regionally is like Mississippi and Georgia and Alabama. Okay, so like the –

We're more – we're closer to southwest regionally. We're not. I mean we're in Texas, but you get to eat Texas, but that's a little bit closer to – Dude, I – okay. We're in thexas but uh that's a little bit closer to dude i okay okay we're in the south you're right south is a region you know i agree with you insofar as the following is like you drive through like viter and there are billboards on the side of the road that's like you should join knights of columbus yeah and you're like is that a racist thing? Knights of Columbus aren't usually racist, but in places like – like Viter and Orange. Is that East Texas? Yeah, well, it's when you're heading towards Louisiana. No, because is – you mean like Orange County?

Like Beaumont area? Past that, like heading further towards Louisiana. Okay, because I think – Them motherfuckers are like – it's – it sounds like a joke when I say it, but it's Klan country out there, and I mean that in motherfuckers that are like if you are black i don't get it it's not i mean they're obviously racist but also they just don't understand like why you'd ever live in that community yeah why wouldn't you live in in port arthur or or closer to houston like when i when i would go go to Louisiana, because I used to go to – I used to think I was good at poker.

And so I would be like, I'm going to go to Louisiana and play hold'em. You'd drive through, and it would be like – dude, on billboards, it would be like, join the Columbus Knights of Viter. And you're like, oh, are these guys like normal guys? And then you'd like – at arrest top googled them it's just like no it's just like the kkk chapter of viter texas like they like they are not that a lot of these guys out there don't even know who like the president is it's that kind of like coon ass area between texas and louisiana where it's like oh fuck like i it's still 1908 to me and i'm and i'm 22 years old and i'm not

trying to not even on some woke shit being like oh it's fucked up it's like no guys out there really don't they don't they they they're like oh yeah uh uh barack obama i don't i don't fuck with that and it's like 2020 and you're like he's like 2020, and you're like, he's not president anymore, and you're like, well, he – Yeah, I mean there's a lot of things you could say. Yeah, I'm not going to say it. Yeah, it's just like – I think it's kind of naive when people just dismiss things like you know they think that just because you live in you know a certain area

you've had a certain upbringing that certain things just don't exist and there's certainly issues like that we probably don't think about that you know certainly are quite pressing sure sure sure we don't think about that you know certainly are quite pressing sure sure sure but yeah i mean

just because you know we we don't know that much but uh but but is you know like casual racism is one of those things where it's like i mean under certain circumstances it's funny and stuff but it's weird that people think that's that's all now. Like you go to – just in North Texas because that's really the scope of my experience. Like right outside Denton and shit? Yeah, dude, like Argyle. Well, because Denton is super liberal because it's a college town. Denton is real liberal. You drive 20, 30 minutes outside there, it's Klan country.

Yeah, no, literally. They still have like lynchings there and stuff. Do they? Like once every 10 years. Okay. Not like every weekend. Like it's a family reunion party type of thing. I say that there's like, I'll just say hate crimes more generally.

Because a lynching is a very specific act. I think there's been probably one or two since the turn of the millennium or something, but that's still like... It's too much. Yeah. For any amount.

Any American city that's pushing the boundaries. Yeah. The act itself, the idea of that like still happening. Yeah. And the fact that it was like 40 years ago. Not even. I mean, dude, in places like Viter, it's crazy because like when I drive through there and i'll stop it like uh because

i've i've driven through back in my degenerate gambling days i would go and gamble in louisiana and i would drive to east texas and you pass these weird fucking fuck off cities in between the two where it's like you stop for like a rest stop or whatever and uh and and like i have tattoos and shit and i wear like live like like i wear just jeans motherfuckers out there dude they don't know like i don't mean to sound ignorant i'm not trying to sound like some like yankee fucking weirdo but like i really feel like people out there that live in between texas and louisiana like in the swamp bayou area they don't know what fucking day it like they don't know who the they don't understand shit to them it's still like 1902

like they don't like like it's a profoundly weird environment where you're like you know am I engaging in something morally impermissible by even being here like they like like they do like

i said but the billboard that i saw like it was it it wasn't like the hooded clue clucks claim it was like d like you know if you love america you'll support the columbus the the the the southern baptist knights of the of of vider county or whatever and it's like dude i know what this is like i because i'm from a city where and you and then and you know it doesn't matter like how fucking broke anybody was like i know what this is but like that's their whole world out there like east texas it's like they don't they don't they lose they're they're not even like plugged into like modern day politics it's just all it's it's it's it's all 19 19 22 to them yeah it's weird like the the way they get their news is like other people from the masonic lodge or whatever or from denny's or like yeah it's like i saw a

black guy he opened up a a soccer store I think he might be Portuguese or something but I mean he's he's big looking like you go out to his store he he's right next to where the church is at which by the way I don't like too much but he I mean I mean look I ain't saying I look I ain't racist or nothing but out there I mean them boys I mean, look, I ain't saying – look, I ain't racist or nothing, but out there, I mean, them boys, I mean, they – who knows what them kind of creatures get up to. And like I remember I was on a road trip. I was going to Florida once. This was like many, many years ago, and I was in that part of like Louisiana, Texas, weird, and I was just at some gas station. And they talk like that because i mean

and and and that i'm not trying to defend them but and they've never these people still still speak french like they don't they speak some creole bastardized nonsense and they're like yeah you know it's out it's wild out here out here in the base. I don't get on bed. And you're like, yeah, man, I just want like a sandwich and a stinky ass in my car. And they're like, beep, beep, beep. You know, racial slur after it. And they're like, you ever been? I go, me personally, I seen all them sides of the past now. Get on bed outside.

I'll fuck them in the ass. And then one day they come around back and then you're out there voting in the polls and you find out that the man fucking you is Chinese boy and you're just like can I get a Dr. Pepper dude like can I just purchase like a soda

yeah I sometimes I wish I was just like a swamp guy you know to a certain certain extent and just the naivety of your perception of the world around you. But then also you have to take into account it's like – you could also see like just – like one of those he's like a gay couple on tv and like throws a rock at the tv or something you know yeah what is it i mean like where do you draw the line between like i don't know man like living and living in the south and being like yeah i mean it's fucked up down here and then being like actually no it's woke

to be from here because we were woke yeah I don't know shit I'm stupid as fuck yeah that's what we're getting at here this whole probably 45

minute rant and nothing in particular but I mean yeah one thing I do like about Louisiana this is something I'll tell anybody I love seafood and

you're in Dallas Fort Worth area seafood selection is not the best I'll say it it's not the greatest. You go down to North, you got some bubblewax,

you get some hushpuppies. I do. I always enjoy myself when I'm in Louisiana because I know I'm getting cancer at like 30 times the natural rate. You know, yeah, yeah. Monsanto factories and over there, people, all the dudes grow to be like five, five and die when they're like 45. It's awesome.

I it's very it's funny to be like you see, like the ways in which Texans try to be like, oh, well, it's cheaper here. We don't live in socialist California, but you look at national rates of different types of nomas, like cancer, and it's like, dude, Texas is just fucking – we're crushing the nomas, dude. Oh, really? Yeah, I mean – I haven't even looked into it i don't really see i'm just one of those guys i know oh i know it's coming i i mean it's probably around like probably around like 55 for me but yeah same dude yeah same thing but uh louisiana is like a little different because their environmental regulations – I know I can't – I know Texas is probably awful.

But Louisiana is like – they're like the worst. I mean like their national – have you ever seen like their air quality and stuff? No. It'll be like – there's like a certain range where it's considered dangerous, like parts per million of deadly particles or whatever. I'm not a toxicologist or anything, but – You're a meteorologist though. Yeah, there'll be like 45 times that just straight up dumping everything into the rivers. the rivers but the seafood and folks uh if you're ever in uh if you're ever in uh you know crossing over from texas to louisiana or vice versa if you're on i think it's highway 69 um i'm not making a joke it's i think that's what that i always call like every exit there's like the

best seafood place you've ever been to somehow. And it's just out sort of in the woods. It's not even quite. It's a guy who is like murdered and molested like his own children. And you're like morally conflicted about driving in there because it's clear that he's like not a good person. And then you have his like crawfish etouffee and you're like, gee, you know what, man? Maybe there is something for you in the afterlife. Maybe there is something going on.

Maybe there is a world where you're not – I probably don't agree with your politics, but $7.99 for unlimited catfish is a damn good deal wherever you go. It's so goddamn good because when I'm driving, even when I'm driving from like the Panhandle, like from where I'm at in Austin to Houston, you know, in between, quit flexing dude, they can't see it. I'm literally not even flexing. You are flexing. Yeah, no, you were flexing.