Pendejo Time - B.U.N.T.
Episode Date: January 18, 2024Beach University of North Texas in Denton. "Survivors Go Here."Â Support the Show....
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Yeah, like I tried to it wasn't on the actual bar. It was just like on a bench press machine and dude
I was struggling to put up like on the machine
like
170 when I like which was not the case like three months ago. I did throw my shoulder out but like
That's my excuse like when I get hurt like the first month i'm hurt and then like month two i'm like, oh
because as we've talked about on the show before like it takes me like a good few
weeks to enjoy lifting again but it takes one day for me to realize how much doing nothing fucking
rocks you know i don't know if you're that way like if i just fuck up like once or twice it's
game over like i lay down when i'm supposed to be at the gym and i go oh this shit's badass and drinking beer too it's cool again i'm trying to
do dry january actually which yeah that sucks uh yeah it's hard to do it yeah you've been you are
you were just telling me earlier about how dry your january yeah i honestly even today has been
really dry super dry yeah yeah bone dry jan me. Super dry. Yeah, yeah. Bone dry January, baby.
Bone dry January.
Yeah.
I feel like my main problem...
Well, not my main problem.
I don't know if I have a main problem.
My main problem is the way I live my life.
But in terms of fitness, it's like i'll it's i bet whenever i'm uh like really truly
100 abstaining from like drinking or nicotine living like. Living like a pig. Yeah, yeah. My diet becomes something like...
It's like late stage, like...
Orson Welles, was it?
Or was that...
Just like Turkish delight.
Who was it?
Fuck.
The guy who fucked Richard Pryor.
Oh. He was in the Godfather oh Marlon Brando yeah
yeah you know how he was just like 900 pounds he just yeah he was he was like drinking chocolate
yeah he would like eat like tablecloths and stuff yeah I've become like that and it's because
I still have the the center in my, you know, the pleasure center.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like, actually, if you do this instead, you're being good, and you're doing a good thing.
No, I'm the same way.
Like, so I haven't bought a vape since last January.
Yeah, nice.
since last January.
Yeah, nice.
And I think I've bought Zins a couple times
within the last few years.
I don't know what the...
But like, you know,
it'd be one of those things
maybe I throw them out
as soon as I get them or whatever
where it's like,
I think I finished one here and there.
But I haven't been habitually
like having nicotine every day for a while.
But in that time, you know, I'll go through phases where I drink more than I should.
And then I'll go like two months without drinking without thinking about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Like I'll just forget to.
Actually, that's not the same for me.
I don't feel like I have a...
I feel like I get fixated on stuff,
but I don't feel like I get addicted to anything.
Except for nicotine, I did, actually, you know.
Yeah, for sure.
But you do anything, like, every day, all day, for years.
You know, I could get addicted to...
I don't know. Col coloring books if i didn't yeah yeah no i i get that i think like i don't have any i've noticed about myself like i
don't have any in between like i either live like i'm training to like fight like I like going to the gym two hours a day no alcohol like super
clean eating like fucking chicken rice broccoli and like getting like getting a good night's sleep
and fucking waking up and lifting in the morning and then like doing my tie at night and fucking
doing all that shit and I'm like working out like 20 hours a week just going nuts or I'm fucking
like uber eatsing like full like two pounds of fatty brisket and drinking like I'm drinking those
alcohol yarditos that we don't like that taste bad but I'm just drinking them because they're like
syrupy sweet and they get you drunk and I'm like fucking staying up to like six in the morning
sleeping until fucking two like not doing anything except just like rot staying up to like six in the morning sleeping until fucking two
like not doing anything except just like rotting away and like staying completely horizontal
for like 20 hours I told you the day like I I realized like I checked my step counter
as I said I just started going to the gym like like maybe a week ago and I've been like four
or five times um I checked my step counter for like the last
few months i was averaging dude like less than a hundred steps a day do you understand like like
that is like that's to the bathroom and then back to the couch and then like to my fridge
for like a fucking grape tomato and then like those are the steps that you take when you're, like, end-of-stage hospice care.
Like, to just wobble your way to the toilet to shit everywhere
and then, like, lay back down or whatever the fuck.
So I knew I had to get something going.
Yeah, I got a feeling you're going to thrive in hospice someday.
I mean that in a good way.
I think everybody else is going to be freaking out.
I think you're going to be like, this is how i lived for a while yeah people are like yeah they're just like handing me fucking like
benzos and painkillers and people like oh this stuff makes me sick i just wish i could walk
around and i'm like nah dude this was this shit was bowers in hospice care from like 19 to 25
oh were you that you survived cancer?
No, I was just bored.
Nothing else going on.
I just figured I'd try morphine, and it ended up feeling awesome and tasting good.
You know, it went well with everything else I had going on at the time.
Yeah, I know I've been in a very spiritually fat place recently,
because I like sea sweet and sour sauce at the grocery store and
I like lick my lips yeah I know it's you dude uh I went uh I went to Houston you just I know
exactly what you mean dude I went to Houston uh to see my little brother and watch my mom's dogs. And I wanted to like,
me and Jaden watched the fights
and I cooked for him.
And I went to H-E-B
and I was getting shit to make burgers.
Dude, when I make burgers,
I don't fucking,
I don't get fancy.
I just go like pepper jack,
lettuce, tomato,
and then like,
the only thing I'll do
is I'll like toast the buns
on the pan with olive oil
so they get the kind of like,
you know, nice crisp.
I walked past.
It was a big H-E-B.
They just had sauces, and they had raspberry bacon jam.
It was like $9.
I don't need to spend the money on that,
and I've never used anything like that in my whole life.
But to your point, what you just said, I was like,
oh, that sounds sexy sexy dude like that's
like i'm like moaning in the line at heb like like i've just and again like i'm not a i'm not
a paste guy i'm not a compote i'm not a reduction guy especially with burgers i'm just fucking old
school meat cheese lettuce get the fuck out of. But I saw raspberry bacon jam with like pecan glaze.
And I was like, ooh.
Like, I don't do that shit.
It's not.
Anyway, I bought it.
It was fucking badass.
It was awesome.
Yeah.
But, you know.
I like to window shop on the Chick-fil-A app.
Dude, that's dark.
I'll make mobile orders and i'll cancel them
that's that's special that's that's for you baby that's that is i i i was gonna say like
oh i went to a shop like old muscle cars on facebook marketplace but lots of guys do that
you are getting like a spicy chicken deluxe like two mac and cheeses, a gallon of lemonade, and then just letting it ride. Just like close.
Oh, yeah.
I'll put in, for breakfast,
I'll put in a 10-piece mini,
orange juice,
two
Chick-fil-A sauces with the chicken
minis, the 10 count. Beautiful.
One Polynesian sauce with the
small hash browns.
And then
iced coffee, no milk, light ice.
I got milk at home.
You're not.
You won't even hypothetically entertain the idea of getting milk for this order that you do not place.
Is that what you're saying?
Well, I'm combining orders that I've had.
So I.
Oh, OK.
As recently as last week, I had that order minus the coffee.
But this morning I was window shopping and I realized that my go-to breakfast at Chick-fil-A is something between 1,700 and 1,800 calories.
Yeah, I think we talked about this.
The thing is, it's just little pieces of chicken and little pieces of bread,
and that doesn't seem like something that would make a lot of calories.
It's food for a creature.
It's something I would give to a duck.
If I met a rabbit and he had on human clothes, i would give him that right right right yeah yeah so i don't think it's really
real i don't think any of that shit's real and another thing i've been doing for my health is
i've been taking creatine and not working out you texted me that the other day i remember
yes i'm just my face is just really swelled up it's just red
and sweaty like just laying in bed with like bloated as fuck like a jolly sam hide
but it's all good you know i feel like a lot of stuff is just perspective
yeah health is just perspective for sure 100 like i got some new pants the other day i ordered pants online because i don't really
give a fuck about your life or no they were on clearance no return doesn't matter whatever
fuck the game up yeah and they were huge dude they were fucking massive pants when they came
in the mail and i didn't mean them to be it was dickies and it said regular fit i thought i'm
regular regular yeah regular guy i'll get regular fit these things were
wide leg as fuck like they were the kind like when you see like old black dudes in like atlanta and
they're like dress the nines but they got like the wide leg wide leg pants on yes like with the
gator boots yeah they were like they almost look like rectangles on their legs Dude Comfiest pants I own
Really?
What's the waist size?
Or are they just big like in general?
They're big in that they don't like taper like that
You know what I mean?
Like they're fucking
And they're pleated too
Nice
Nice, that's badass
Waist size is crazy
36
Not insane
It's like divorce court lawyer pants.
Yeah.
Like big old fat divorce court.
I've been rocking them with my square toes.
Going to the store and stuff.
I got my fucking sick ass leather jacket.
So I've been wearing black leather jacket, black cowboy boots,
black Dickies pants with a black t-shirt tucked in black belt and then crumbs all over me
you're going to fucking whole foods like a father's rights black guy like like a guy who
lost his kids and he posts on facebook like hey hey listen y'all y'all women do a lot of talking
but you don't want to walk the walk when it comes to raising your youngins.
Posted, you're doing like men going their own way fucking fits.
That's so sick.
Yeah.
I mean, at the end of the day, what can you do?
I think trying to dress like a cool black guy is all we have left to aspire to.
You know what I mean?
Well, here's the thing.
There's so many different types of cool black guy because black guys are born cool.
Like all the lingo, the slang, it's everything.
You know, they just they just have a fucking swag.
But you can be like, you know, fucking.
Who's a painter?
You can be Basquiat, cool black guy.
I can't.
Or you can be like Steveiat, cool black guy. I can't. Or you can be like Steve Harvey, cool black guy.
I feel like what you're describing to me is some cross between like Eddie Murphy, Raw. I want to be an unk.
Yeah, you're getting close to unk.
That's what you're describing to me.
Because Steve Harvey is more, is not so unk.
He's an aspirational unk.
Yeah, he's unking training.
He's the unk that unks want to be but most unks will
never be steve harvey because at the end of the day he's just a black monopoly man you know what
i mean yeah yeah he's the way i see it dude that cat williams interview where he was like
you think steve harvey got where he is without without taking it in his ass without sucking on
it and fucking who's the guy that's interviewing the Steve?
Shannon Sharp.
Yeah, Shannon Sharp has to be like,
oh, now, come on.
Come on, cat.
You don't be...
Come on, we can't be talking like this on the show.
Like, just fucking absolutely digging into Steve.
Who, like...
I don't know.
You know?
Fuck it.
You want to marry six women
and write a book about being a rich black uncle?
I tried to watch one of Steve Harvey's early specials, and it was ass, dude.
It did not hold up.
But it was funny to me how much of it was like preaching, but he was also like 22.
He was like a 22-year-old with a mustache.
He was like,
y'all taking God out of the home.
Y'all saying we can't hit kids no more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was just like, man, this is awesome.
Oh, dude, him talking about the Iraq War was insane.
You ever see his stuff on that?
I haven't seen it. No, no, no, I haven't. He was talking about how he was like, about the Iraq war was insane. You ever see his stuff on that?
He was talking about how he was like if I go out there
I'm killing
every motherfucker I see.
And then he was just doing machine gun
noises for like five minutes dude.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Who's that? Is that a child?
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Every man, woman, child i'm killing everybody in iraq every terrorist in that motherfucker and it's like this is like right after 9-11 dude i was
just like damn i mean i wasn't the first to find i saw the clip separately and then i uh you know kind of i was kind of not uh i was watching in bad faith because
i kind of want to see i was like what's the context for this but also there's no way there's
no way he can weasel his way out of this no no and he did not you like you you wait for the you
wait for the tag or the punch line to be like, you know, something fucking.
And that's how white people be talking at the cookout.
But it's like, no, I want to do war crimes in a fucking zoot suit.
Yeah, I mean.
Like a size triple XL zoot suit.
I think a lot of stand-up clips are taken too out of context.
For sure, yeah.
But when you post eight minutes, you're giving them a lot of context.
Yeah, eight minutes of like
I want to kill children.
That is over 10% of a special
most of the time.
Steve Harvey to me seems like
to me, older comedians from back
in the day, even comedians now,
like this is just
certain comics they find their niche right
and they like that's who they do steve harvey is like the black conservative comedian if that
makes sense whereas like i don't know like bernie mack was just kind of like the dad that was like
i don't love my kids and that was hilarious and eddie murphy was like you know the fucking
he his his old shit was like
he's just dirty like he was like the shot comic or whatever richard pryor obviously just like
i feel like patrice o'neill was kind of a little on the conservative edge of things uh he i don't
know if he was just like intentionally controversial or what i don't know what i don't know where he is
i other people know more about him than i do i don't want what i don't know where he is i other people know more about
him than i do i don't want to misrepresent or anything but he seemed i mean some of his views
were just straight up backward in nature but he was like early 2000s like machismo i don't think
he you know what i mean like there were just like certain guys that were doing that like
y'all be talking too damn much need to be sucking on it you know what i mean white comedians were doing the same like andrew dice clay or whatever the
fuck yeah i feel like he was he kind of was like a different wave of it but he definitely caught a
lot of uh that was what kind of brought his career down if i recall correctly was like was like the
first it was like kind of he came up in a kind of a bad time for that
in which like, like women's rights were kind of like in the workplace and stuff were like
being brought more attention to.
So there were like protesters who showed up to shows and stuff, I think for a little while
and kind of got to his head.
But Patrice?
No, no.
I'm talking about andrew dice clay but yeah well it's i don't know
if you've seen any of like patrice clips go pretty viral and i'll see him doing a bit about like
how um women clean the house too good or something you know just like a women be like men be like
type thing and clearly i mean he's doing like jokes but the comments are like yeah i want to
hurt a lot of women like he's become this like in like posthumously become almost like a like an
alt-right figurehead i don't know like maybe i'm reading too much into it but i'll see him just
doing some bit about how like you know like 2000 like 1999 2000 comedy like damn i'm just trying
to eat a sandwich and you be yapping and the whole crowd's like i wish there was an off button on
this thing you know whatever yeah i feel like it's kind of the same thing with norm a little bit
have you seen that yeah yeah i've seen some of that shit yeah yeah But, I mean, it sucks being a dead guy because then you can't say, hey, stop doing this.
But if you're a dead guy, you know, if you're going to immortalize a comic for having, in your mind, the exact same political views as you, it's good to do it when they're dead because then they can't say, hey, this guy's fucking stupid.
I don't know what he's got going on.
Did you see the fucking AI George Carlin special?
I heard about it.
I didn't watch it.
I listened to like 10 minutes of it.
And it was dog shit.
And it was really sad because his daughter was like, this is not, you know, whatever.
This is like, I guess it's not illegal, but like blah, blah, blah, blah.
It's Will Sasso did it.
The fucking mad TV guy.
Oh, yeah.
He has a podcast called Dudezy.
Check this out.
Where he hosts the podcast with an AI.
That sounds awesome.
Yeah.
Wow.
Groundbreaking stuff. A podcast with AI. That sounds awesome Yeah Wow groundbreaking stuff
A podcast
With AI
Awesome
Yeah yeah yeah
No Will Sesso please tell me more
Yeah anyway it was really
It was really fucking stupid but
I just imagine we're kind of like
Coming into this era where like nothing
If anything ever was sacred I don't think
if there was any like remnants
of anything having any fucking
importance to you know culture
or art kind of sounds so fucking
stupid but that's just gone
like it's just over with you know
what I would call that man
if I named him what would
you call him big dog will asshole
oh very because he yeah okay I you call him, big dog? Will Asshole.
Oh, because he, yeah, okay.
I would call him Will Fatso because he's fucking fat as shit and bald.
I like that.
You're a funny guy, Jake.
I think I'm going to keep you around.
It took me three years to decide, but I think I'm going to have you.
I think I want to do a show with you.
I've really just been, I've mostly just been hanging out.
Yeah, more like Will Bathrobe, because we all know what's under his, a fucking pussy.
I'm just kidding.
Anyway, you know, I feel like I.
What about Will Lizzo?
Yeah.
And he's like, he's not a fat white guy.
He's a big, big, voluptuous singer.
And he plays the flute.
And he's like, you know, I'm on Mad TV.
He's playing the flute and he's super fat.
Yeah. What do you think about that, dude?
I like that shit.
How about Will Gastro and it's like food or something.
Will Gastro.
You could have just said Gastro.
Why'd you throw the G in there?
Oh, is he a stomach doctor or are you going for Cuba?
I thought gastro meant food.
Oh, I thought you were-
Gastro pub.
Dude, I'm stupid.
I thought you were trying to say like Fidel Castro, but you were just like, no, he's got a tummy ache too.
And he's Will Sasso and he's-
Does gastro mean food?
It means belly, I think.
I'm fucking stupid.
I don't know.
Because I thought gastro pubant a bar that served food also
I think that's what it
Gastropub to me means like
Oh this food's gonna suck
The uh
The prefix gastro
In the word gastropub
Comes from the
Greek word gaster
Which means stomach or belly
There we go
In this context
Gastro refers to the folks
On high quality food And often a casual Dining In this context, gastro refers to the focus on high-quality food
and often a casual dining atmosphere.
Hey, guys, we're going to go to the stomach pub.
You guys want to hang out?
Yeah, I'd rather go to the asshole pub.
Yeah, I'd rather go to the fucking boobs pub.
Yeah, how about the blowjob pub?
Yeah, how about the fucking having sex and eating chicken wings pub?
Yeah.
How about the fucking one million-
The Finger Blasto pub.
One million dollars in fucking pills pub.
Yeah.
How about the Will Finger Blasto?
Yeah, Will Finger Blasto, motherfucker.
Yes, sir, yeah. motherfucker yes sir yeah how about how about
instead of
I don't even know
what his original name
was anymore
so
oh Will Sasso
Sasso
yeah how about more
Will Sassy Ho
okay
and he's got a little
attitude problem
Real Sassy Ho
how about instead of
Will Sasso
it's Fat Ass
Asshole
Piece of shit
How about Fat Fucking Loser
That I don't like
You fucking stupid idiot
Yeah
Will
Uh
No
Will Blast
Wait what were you gonna say
This is a free one
It's okay
You know
Anyway
To that guy
If you want to come on
And explain yourself
We're gonna have an
AI Adolf Hitler
Debate you
And if he wins
He's coming back
This is like Fucking like a lifelong like a sketch comedian from mad tv like 40 years ago versus ai adolf hitler he just will says it doesn't speak german
he's gonna get
mobs the floor with this guy yeah yeah just yeah. Just AI Hitler taking Will Sasson to fucking church.
It's just beautiful fucking loud German.
Imagine you make the first AI bot and everybody comes to see it
and you clearly made him AI Hitler and everybody's like,
how did you make such a complex Hitler,
complex character to begin with?
Why didn't you just do like a Cortana type thing?
It was all the other names were taken i had to call it ai hitler but it's really uh really a different kind of thing
it's a spanish word well none of the names were taken you're the first guy to invent ai so why
yeah what do you mean all the names were taken? It doesn't stand
for Adolf Intelligence. It stands for
something else. It stands for awesome
ingenuity.
Awesome icicle.
Awesome icicle.
My name is
Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
You better come with me.
Adolf Intelligence Hitler. You better come with me. Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
Hey, what's up?
My name's Adolf Intelligence.
Name's Hitler.
Intelligence.
Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
Hitler.
Ian Fleming's like in the writer's room with James Bond.
All right, yeah, so I got this spy guy.
He's like an SAS guy, like MI6 guy.
Thinking about going with a classic British name, you know, something real slick.
Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
What do you guys think?
Well, we like it. We think it's slick, sexy.
Slick, yes.
What about James Bond?
Get him, kill him.
Eat him. Kill him, get him out of here.
And also, we've got
his beautiful lover,
Ava Braun Computer.
Fucking stupid.
Fucking stupid.
So he's an English spy.
His name's Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
And he falls in love with a young Irish girl.
Her name is Eva Braun Computer.
And she's very, very intelligent.
She's very, very smart.
Almost like that of a BMI processor.
Do you mean IBM in BMI?
BMI is...
Body Measurement Index, I think. processor do you mean IBM in BMI means
built to make intelligence and he has a
close friend his name is Heinrich
algebra him less building the first be Algebra him
Dude you came in confident as fuck with that to the first beat of my computer just
He's like close, you know, it's like close you know it's not bad
yeah
anyway
it's Adolf
Intelligence Hitler
and they have a
Braun computer
and they're
building the first
IBM computer
oh
mine algorithm
mine computation
there we go
mind computer
mind computer
it's just
it's like a big ass book
with just pictures of laptops in it
like hard drives
it's like nothing
no politics
no economy oh surely you're not joining Like hard drives. It's like nothing. No politics. No economy.
Yeah.
Oh, surely you're not joining Hitler's Mouse.
The youth organization.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, you had to add the tag on there for me to follow that one.
Yeah, Hitler's Young computers Ladies and gentlemen
The Hitler's calculators
And we've built a special highway
Just for our citizens
What's it called?
The auto-download
Very good
Very very awesome Very very awesome
very very awesome
this is
surely the
Axis powers have it combined
now
Adolf Intelligence Hitler
as well as
Eva Braun Computer.
Let's see.
I'm not looking up a guy's first name.
It's alright.
As well as
Benito
C.D. Ra Mussolini.
We have
Joseph Mingler floppy disk
controls all of the
biomedical
research that we do.
I'm not googling
Japanese World War II guy.
I'm not googling Japanese World War II guy. I'm not googling
Hitler's friends.
Guy's the guy who
was leader.
He was the leader.
Emperor Hirohito computer.
Emperor.
Emperor.
Emperor of Japan
World War II.
Hiro. Hirohito
Windows
Oh
Hiro heat up a plate of
computer
Here to heat up a plate of
computer
Yes
Against yes yeah
against
uh
if
CDR
stands for CD-ROM
if you know FDR
Ernst
Ernst CD-D. Romm.
That one kind of works.
Yeah, that one works.
But he was a lesser known Nazi.
Yes.
And of course, of course...
Hitler killed him in Night of the Long Files.
Yes.
And of course, who could forget the other one?
Winston Computer. Oh, he's forget the other one? Winston Computer.
Oh, he's related to Eva Braun's computer, then.
No.
They're cousins, but not related.
They're cousins, yeah.
I thought maybe you were...
They're cousins, but they're the kind of cousins who aren't related.
I thought you were going to say Joseph Garble's laptop.
Joseph Gmail. Gmail.
This is my minister of propaganda, Joseph Gmail.
Oh, my God. They're sending the trains to Apple Store.
Apple Schwitz. Oh my god, they're sending the trains to Apple Store. Apple switch.
Oh, fuck.
Joseph.
They're invading...
They're invading...
Push in the button to start the computer.
Land.
Instead of button.
The battle for...
Power.
Button.
Land.
The battle for Leningrad's student computer.
Ah, yes.
Thank you for joining us today, Adolf Intelligence
Hitler. I see you've brought your
beautiful wife, Eva Braun, computer.
And your minister of propaganda,
Joseph Gmail.
And your
lead doctor,
what did I name him?
Joseph Mengele Laptop.
The gang's all here.
Ernest C.D. Rohn.
Everybody thought he was gay.
I think that's the rumor.
My name is Adolf Intelligence Hitler.
I come from a long line of computers.
My daddy,
see, he was a,
he was a bit of a computer himself.
My grandpa was a little outdated.
He was a,
Abacus.
Yeah, he was a,
the sonograph,
or he was a,
x-ray.
I don't fucking know about inventions.
My grandmammy was a letter.
She got sent in the mail.
My son, he'll be an iPad.
We're honest intelligence hitlers in this family.
We don't take shortcuts.
We don't take copy pastes.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And that's true.
Or I'm not the one true Firefox.
Instead of Fuhrer.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
It helps when you add the part in there where i'm supposed to yeah
firefox fear starts with the same letter so that's how you know i blew my brains out in a firefox
bunker yeah well you know a lot of people they don't they don't know how they feel about the bombing of dresden steam dick do you want to hear a song i
wrote about being a millennial but it's by the song it's by a group called kansas yeah sure
carry on my ipad son there'll be apps when you are done lay your new software to rest don't download no more
may i offer a suggestion don't download more porn maybe we could go that route what would my son be
doing downloading filthy pornography onto his programs for?
Is that what you're accusing my hypothetical son of doing?
I would just assume that if you have a kid later on in your life,
that no matter how well you try to raise it, or poorly,
that he'll probably look at pornography, seeing as... Do I have to look at it with him?
You don't have to, but I know that some people do do that.
Yeah, you do that.
I don't have a kid.
With your neighbor's kids.
I don't look at it with any kids.
So, you know, that's kind of on you to prove that I've done anything like that.
And you seem to be projecting, if anything, maybe implying that you have a guilty conscience about watching pornography with kids.
Or you weren't projecting because you
have a big TV. You're just putting it on there and showing
it to them. No, I don't.
I would have to project you. If I wanted to show
a bunch of kids porn, I would have to use a projector
because my TV's not that big.
Look, your TV's fine. Your TV's fine.
I know that you can't have it like me.
That's okay. Life isn't fair.
It goes that way.
I don't show it to them.
You said that's why you got the big TV is so you could show kids more porn.
No, I actually got the big TV so I could show children math and history and social studies.
That's awesome.
That's really brave.
Yeah, it is.
So you're like Socrates.
Yeah, I am.
I'm like him in normal ways.
yeah I am like I'm not like I'm like him in normal ways not in the less than normal ways that you're implying as if I'm some sort of you know pedophile or pederast or pedagogical
so that's not normal for you it's just a rare occurrence what being a good instructor of
children no it's pretty normal for me because I used to teach philosophy to... He taught flossing teeth because he taught kids how to get your pubes out of their teeth.
There you go.
Spit it out, big dog.
Get it out.
I got you.
I said you taught flossing teeth.
So they could get your pubes out of their mouth.
Right, right, right.
Well, that's very cute.
You thought it was cute when they did that?
No, it's very cute that you turned philosophy,
the study of fucking cool concepts and shit,
into philosophy teeth,
where children would remove pubic hair from their teeth.
Yeah, you got a degree in that.
I got a master's in philosophy teeth.
In philosophy. Philosophy.
It's like trying to get an adjunct position at UT in 10 years.
I'm like 40 years old.
So it says here you got your undergraduate in poli-sci and philosophy.
And then it says, oh, yeah, nice.
You got your master's in philosophy from Texas State just down the down the road yeah i got my master's in flossing teeth excuse me yeah i got my master's in flossing
teeth like moving removing pubes from children's teeth uh making sure their mouths are clean things
like that uh i worked there for a couple years it was like it was like kind of like a dead end you
know ta job basically i wasn't like the main flossing teeth professor.
They did most of the flossing.
I just kind of...
Yeah, I was just a TA tooth analyzer.
Yeah, I was just a toddler analyst.
Joking about that stuff isn't funny.
I don't think it's funny to joke about that type of shit.
Right. Because it's our jobs, about that type of shit. Right.
Because it's our jobs, and we do take it seriously.
It is our jobs.
On taxes.
I think one of our forms says comedian or comedy,
which I was like, you just put podcaster.
Man, I don't.
I had to file as a toucher this year and a lover.
I'm trying to get a 1069 form you know what i'm saying baby yeah 1069 w2 i need w dudes w dudes form for fucking yeah two in a sense for how many loads i can bust every day if i want to
normal maybe like not outlandish it's not crazy i mean yeah as long as it's not like two
days in a row yeah yeah w w like two ropes maybe if w two inches yeah yeah if i get out of the I'm going to take his two, which is wide.
Everybody in the room is like, hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We should go see the accountant.
It's like, okay, did you guys bring your W2s?
I mean, I'm kind of soft right now, but I can maybe get it going.
Excuse me?
It's probably cruising at a half right now now it's cold in here man i could probably fluff it up to like a w2 wide too you know what i mean now 1099 i'm not gonna
be able to do that this is not since it's the steve harvey podcast man yeah 10 inches 99 hard
that's hard to get to 10 inches 99 inches wide it's like
it's like a fucking
like a pipe
10 millimeters
99 decibels
it's like the sound
of a fucking 12 gauge
it's like the size
of two grains of rice
lined up
yeah I have a really
small dick but
just like telling a girl
hey listen it's super small but it's super loud it's like of two grains of rice lined up. Yeah, I have a really small dick, but just like telling a girl,
hey, listen, it's super small,
but it's super loud.
It's like... Not just protection,
but like ear protection.
You feel me?
She's like,
did you bring protection?
You just put on like the fucking earmuffs
that like fighter jets wear.
Big fucking helmets.
You put that on,
a woman knows you mean
business i feel like girl i got a dick like a cane toad wide and loud
it should leave residue this is everywhere it's got kind of a layer of slime on it
hangs out in a lot of peat bogs
10 millimeters 99 decibels loud it okay look if your penis could make a sound what would yours
make cough not a heavy one either just kind of like a dry like it like the kind of cough that
anybody could produce yeah there's like a... Yeah, alright.
Yeah, I get that.
What about you?
That or a snarl.
Like a...
Yeah, like a coyote, but it's hurt.
Like a fucking...
Yeah.
That would be cool.
In the same way that length is the thing. That would be cool Like if
Like in the same way
That like you know
Length is like the thing
You know everybody's like
Ah big dick
Whatever
If it was instead of the length
It was the
It was the type of sound
That it produced
And you had to get lucky
It was like a genetic accident
Just get a cry for help
Or just
No a literal like
Man
Help
Every time you took your Fucking Took your dick out the piz Or just, no, a literal, like, man, help!
Every time you took your fucking,
took your dick out of the piz.
I think mine would sound like the American emergency broadcast system.
I would have been,
What if every time you took your dick out of your pants,
Lowrider started playing?
Yeah, that'd be pretty sick.
I could go with that.
Yeah, that's not too bad.
The intro, you take your dick out and it's the intro riff to For Whom the Bell Tolls.
Yeah, it's Chris Benoit's walkout music.
The stone cold glass shattering.
Yeah, probably emergency broadcast system. The stone cold glass shattering. Yeah.
Yeah, probably emergency broadcast system or maybe like.
Maybe like a soft hooting of a barn owl.
This is kind of like zip.
That'd be nice.
Something soothing, I would imagine.
Or just like.
Mine would be the sound of a different guy coming to throw people off.
Like a Chinese guy coming.
What is that?
I don't fucking know.
No, it would be another white guy because I'm not racist.
Look, it's a genetic accident.
Like having a small dick or a huge dick or another.
You can't control what your dick says. I like that both of us imagine different races coming way differently.
Black guy comes, oh, yeah.
Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Like you mentioned, they do it.
Like you're making normal fuck sounds, but when you come, it's just like you stop doing
the other shit and you're like, oh, deadpan all right I'll buy that okay Mexican guy
like he does like a good eat though like a you know like one of those like like
the beginning of a fucking narco-corito song yeah that type of shit all right we
got that those are the there's three more races other than
black and mexican there's we got white guy what's nice or like a
oh i just i just fucking oh gosh i busted that was betsy that was incredible that was one of the coolest
things i've ever i love you i love just just i love you i love you oh my god i love you, oh my God. I love you, oh my God. I love you.
All right, well, we got white guy out of the way.
It goes to Mexican guy.
Okay, thank you.
I thought he was the Greek guy.
I thought he was the Irish.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, thank you is just a blowjob. Okay.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, just getting your dick sucked.
Okay.
Thank you. All right, buddy. Thank you. dick sucked Okay Thank you Alright buddy
Thank you goodnight
Thank you sorry
Sorry
Lo siento que
Thank you bye bye
Okay very good
Alright we got
Black guy
Oh yeah we got
Fucking Mexican guy
Yeah or just
Or just
Alright
Playing it cool
Alright then Classic Alright cool I'll see you
I'ma fuck with you
Alright I'm rocking with you right now
Yeah I'll fuck with you
I'll see you on the flip
When an Asian guy busts
It's the Windows startup sound
Or like the fucking...
Or the Apple, like the default...
I don't even want you
saying that it would sound like a gong.
That's not okay to say.
No, that's mohamed fruit.
That's not okay to say.
Arabic guy, it's the default
Apple iPhone alarm.
Nah, I mean, maybe something else.
Maybe like the sound of a fucking...
This is the sound of a sword being unsheathed.
Sound of a BMW starting up.
Not like a sports package.
Yeah, I'll take that.
What else type of guys are there?
Irish guy coming.
I think that just falls under white guy.
Yeah, probably.
I love you.
We got to grow up, man.
Native American guy coming.
This is very good stuff.
I thoroughly enjoyed that.
It's just white guy, but just a little bit more articulated.
Yeah, I have had an orgasm.
I have came.
I have to go.
I enjoyed ejaculating into you.
I must now leave.
My Uber is here.
I called an Uber nine minutes ago
and timed it to where I would be able to go back
to the reservation where I live.
What would your Native American name be, you think?
I don't know that I would...
I think it like
I think it would be very
environmental I don't think I would do anything
to earn a special name
like eating sugar
like
a pancake boy
something very feeble
yeah like your brother's names are all like
fights with wolf and like
like river with wolf and like river, jumping river.
And your dad's name is like, you know, Eagle Talon.
And you, my son, my oldest boy, the heir to all of the land that we've worked for, you will be Pancake Man.
Pancake Boy.
My fattest boy. My fattest boy.
My fattest, most special boy.
Heir to the tribe.
You will gather with the women.
You will collect berries.
Try not to eat them all.
Your breasts look like that of a woman's,
and so you will be Pancake Boy.
You have eaten so many Sour Patch Kids,
you can lactate.
Bizarre to think of because this is 1010 A.D. along the North Texas plains.
So Sour Patch Kids haven't been invented yet, so it's surprising that you have them.
But anyway, Pancake Boy, thank you for gathering them.
I don't know that they had pancakes at the time either.
Yeah, I would imagine Native Americans didn't have know that they had pancakes at the time either. Yeah, I don't think,
I would imagine Native Americans didn't have pancakes.
They probably didn't speak English either,
last I checked.
Yeah, they probably all didn't have gimmick names too,
like running on water and stuff.
I think they...
No, I think that's like kind of true, isn't it?
Or am I just...
I think it was just certain,
I don't know,
I thought it was certain tribes,
but I don't know I thought it was certain tribes but I don't
I don't know enough
Yeah, me neither
I've seen all the movies
I don't want to misrepresent
the beautiful native people
Yeah, we wouldn't want to
misrepresent types of people
on this show
by any means
Right
And I also want to say
black guys don't all go
oh yeah
whenever they bust
It's probably not true either.
I haven't.
Yeah.
I wouldn't know as well as Jake would.
But anyway.
I'm so sick and tired of the accusations, to be completely honest.
Yeah.
Anyway, we got another great weekend ahead of us.
You got anything planned, Jake?
I'm taking the train to see your ass, motherfucker.
Oh, fuck. Yeah. I guess I'm taking the train to see your ass, motherfucker. Oh, fuck.
I guess I'm cleaning
the room that you're staying in.
You guys always, like, I really
appreciate the view of you and Eden for doing all that,
but you know you have, like, 40 potted plants
in here right now, so I need to figure out how to
You guys don't gotta do that for me, man.
I sleep in jeans when I'm at your place. It's fine.
Right, you do.
I don't brush my teeth. Like, I don't do anything. I just fucking hang out. You brushed your teeth last time, I sleep in jeans when I'm at your place. It's fine. Right, you do. I don't brush my teeth. Like, I don't do anything.
I just fucking hang out.
You brushed your teeth last time, I think.
It's very funny.
I think, like, the second or third time I stayed there,
Eden was like, there's a toothbrush in there for you.
And I was like, sick.
Like, it's there.
You've brushed your teeth once or twice ever staying over.
Yeah, yeah.
Which is pretty impressive.
Well, dude, like, when I'm...
I mean, I've skipped it before, too, but... Yeah, yeah. Which is pretty impressive. Well, dude, like when I'm... I mean, I've skipped it before, too, but...
Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, I just...
Whenever I'm hanging out at your place,
it's kind of like a little vacation.
And I don't, like, take care of myself when I'm, like...
When I go on vacation.
I respect it.
I don't, like...
I sleep in my jeans, in my shoes.
I sleep, like, a couple hours a night.
I don't brush my teeth.
I don't really shower.
Kind of just become like, y'all are just basically like,
you adopted like a really troubled, like shitty 30-year-old man
just for like 24 hours.
I'm not 30 yet.
I'm 29.
I'm aging myself.
29-year-old Jit.
29-year-old Jit that likes to smoke is Benjamin, dude.
I fucking love hitting blinkers on my Benjamin, dude,
because I'm a fucking 29-year-old Jit who don't play about that life.
I might be the youngest 24-year-old Jit in the game right now.
I might be the youngest 29-year-old Jit smoking Benjamin
and hitting blinkers with my boys.
Yo, that's fab. Yeahers with my boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's fab.
Yeah.
That's fucking.
Yeah.
Do you think how I guess
it doesn't matter.
I the Benjamin thing is
a joke obviously but I
did hear I overheard a
guy at a show I played
recently who I know is
older than me who was
like I think he's like in his early mid-30s.
He was like, damn, didn't charge the Benjamin before I left.
Benjamin, to me, I missed out on that word.
I don't feel like I should say that.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm not sure.
I mean, people can talk and say whatever the fuck they want.
But, like, Benjamin is like a, that's like 15 to like 22, I guess.
I don't know.
I don't I don't care about like like whenever I use words are new.
It's just funny to me sometimes.
So I use them and then it doesn't like.
Yeah, like swag.
Like those that's not new.
But like, yeah, like like like Like Like yeah I'm cunty
Yeah I like to say shit wrong
Like I say stuff like that
Like I'm serving pussy
That's funny to me to say
Like
I'm serving
Oh my god she just
She just served up mother cunt
At the
Fucking pussy awards
She served mother at the fucking
At the
She ate mother at the fucking pussy awards she served mother at the fucking at the she ate mother
at the fucking serving pussies oh my god taylor swift put her whole pussy into the fucking chief's
game this weekend she ate there wasn't a crumb left on that plate travis kelsey ate taylor
swift's pussy and you didn't leave any crumbs hanging out just trying to fit in like like one of those bars for college kids you know
he's like it's just like a fucking it's called like shooters or whatever the fuck yeah i'm
fucking taylor swift travis kelsey ate taylor's was butt and didn't leave a fucking crumb on the
plate and he fucking mothered her dude like a baby bird yeah i wish taylor swift mothered her, dude, like a baby bird. Yeah, I wish Taylor Swift mothered me and my friends.
They're like, yeah, dude, for sure, man, yeah.
Anyway, so like, yeah, it was this crazy party tonight.
But we need to get away from this guy.
I don't want to do it.
Yeah, Taylor Swift just fingered herself in her mother cut
and I fell out of there.
When she did, she gave birth to me.
Yeah, man, that's crazy yeah do you do you go to do you go to UNT yeah I go to see UNT university and I serve
it every day those are oh my gosh you girls are probably so warm in your big jackets right now
warm in your big jackets right now hey man like yeah i'm 16 i don't know how they let me in here they're pretty they're pretty warm man yeah i mean i just i'm just trying to make sure like
this is like a private event for the fraternity like i don't oh i'm private all right you don't
need to know shit about me oh man i feel like it's kind of the whole point you know like we kind of this is like for
the brothers this is alpha zeta figma it's for the brothers it's not listen it's not especially
not them it's not for them it's not for them at all i need you to understand the fraternity is
not for them i also need you to understand that if you're not a part of the group man like you
can't hang out with us and you stop saying weird stuff man i don't understand why you're not a part of the group, man, like, you can't hang out with us. And you need to stop saying weird stuff, man. I don't understand why you're talking like that.
Yeah.
You're probably so warm in your socks and your shoes.
I bet they smell good, too.
I mean, it's warm in the bar.
I, you know...
Hey, are you playing with something?
Do you have something in your hand?
No, not in my hand.
It looks like...
Other than metal rods.
Okay, yeah.
I think I just need you to go, dude.
I think I just need you to go.
Yeah, I had a bone surgery.
They had to put all my dunking fingers back in.
It's cool that you can dunk.
Because I hung up and I tried to hang on the rim
And then I fell off and my hand stayed up there
On my hand bones
Wow that's so cool
I just
I don't think that you
Just let him stay
Let him stay he's funny
He's interesting
Yeah I should have dunked with my dick
And I would have left my dick bone up there
And then I would have gone back up and sucked it.
He's so funny.
He's, like, so, like, quirky.
Like, he's just, like, not.
I don't know.
You guys are being, like, so boring.
Just let him hang out with us.
He's cool.
Like, he's fun.
Yeah, I know all you girls feel awesome in your jackets,
and you probably get so warm in your pants on, too.
Probably got warm pants.
And I bet you can all dunk.
Yeah, I mean, like, I tried to dunk.
I played, like, JV basketball.
But I am pretty warm right now.
You ever play trampoline?
I mean, not since I was a little girl.
But, you know, I like to.
Oh, are you big now?
Are you grown?
Yeah, I mean mean I'm 20
Yeah I'm grown
You know
I like
I like you know
Bouncing
You know bouncing's fun
Yeah you like bouncing
I like bouncing too
I bounce whenever I dunk
And it makes me feel
Kind of like a
Like a grown up
What I mean
Like a 25 year old grown up
How old are you?
Like 15.
You're so mature for your age.
Yeah, people say that all the time because I got crow's nests around my eyes
and a receding hairline, and I got psoriasis.
Wow, you struggle with so much. Yeah. You've like
overcome so much and you can don't do it. Yeah, and I got
periodontist
from chewing tobacco.
Honestly, this dude's
like starting to weird me out. Like, we gotta fucking
we gotta fucking get out of here.
He's gotta go. Yeah, let's
all hit the motherfucking beach.
Denton Beach, let's got to go. Yeah, let's all hit the motherfucking beach. Denton Beach, let's go.
I mean, is there a beach around here?
Honestly, I could go for a beach trip.
Yeah.
Like a late night beach trip.
There's no beach around here.
He's weird.
He's trying to, like, take you or something.
Yeah, I'm trying to take you to the fucking beach.
Denton Beach,
here we come. Denton, Texas,
North Beach.
That North Texas beach, baby. You know how
them waves be hitting.
Let's go to B-U-N-T.
Beach University of North Texas.
Yeah, I go to B-U-N-T.
I go to Beach University of North Texas.
I study beach.
I study fucking umbrella. I study beach. I study fucking umbrella.
I study sand.
Oh, man.
My homie, he just graduated.
He got a bachelor's degree in Sandcastle.
Yeah, he making good money now.
He work at...
He work at Florida.
He work at Beach...
Beach... Beach Key... Vacation. He work at Florida. He work at Beach
Beach Key
Vacation.
Beach Key Vacation
Lockheed Martin.
Thank you brother.
I pulled that one out.
I got that one from the vault.
You didn't have to drop
that one. I got Beach Kid Vacation Lockheed.
The kid did a lot of heavy lifting on that for me.
I'm not going to lie to you, but I did get it.
I did get it.
Thank you, man.
I like that as a shirt idea.
B-U-N-T.
It's just Beach University of North Texas.
That would be so good with the color.
Just have it.
Yeah, yeah.
That was fun.
It's a complete rip-off, and it just says beat.
Have all the majors on the back.
Sand.
Sand.
Volleyball.
Wave.
Playing.
Seagull.
Yeah, I graduated from the school of seagull.
Yeah, I studied seagullology.
I studied the way they fucking be yapping.
I studied a bag of chip on yapping. I studied a bag of chip
on the ground. I studied jellyfish.
Yeah, I studied glass.
Yeah, I studied fucking
broken glass. I studied broken glass in my
foot. I have to go home.
I studied jellyfish.
Ow!
Ow!
I just got a degree in jellyfish
Who gets that
Who can relate
Who can relate
I'm out here doing stand up
At University of North Texas
And I study jellyfish
Who can relate
Beach University of North Texas
The real survivors come here
So ominous
So terrifying The school of people who survive survivors come here. So ominous.
So terrifying.
The school of people who survive something so sinister that it changes them forever.
How about in the front?
All right.
B-U-N-T.
Beach University of North Texas.
In the back.
Real survivors come here I don't understand
But I'm for it
You know I don't give a fuck
Yeah
But our color scheme
Is gonna be green and white
Green and white
Okay
Real survivors study
Seagull here
At Beach University
In North Texas
Yeah
Yeah I'm a professor
I'm a professor of I'm like this already.
I'm a professor of sand.
I got my fucking doctorate in fucking Big Hill.
Big digging a hole with my friends.
Almost killing my friend.
Yeah, I like this a lot.
Yeah.
Motherfuckers.
Is it the Dean of B-U-N-T, Tony Johnny? Yeah Yeah Motherfuckers
B-U-N-T
Is it the dean of B-U-N-T
Tony Johnny
Yeah
Tony Johnny motherfucker
I run this fucking place bitch
Tony Johnny
Yeah
Tony Johnny
How did you become the dean of B-U-N-T
Yeah
All I did was I sent in one of them applications.
And them motherfuckers sent the money.
I've been making more money off the beach than the motherfucking Sandman.
Tony Johnny
It seems like last time we spoke
You were in dire straits
Your wife died
You know
Your brother
Your brother died
And you were at the end of your rope
Yeah I love it
But now you're the dean of
Beach University of North Texas
Man I'm so happy
You doing good these days Tony?
Yeah I think so
My dog just died
Oh how'd he die? He got stuck in one of sand dunes
it's tough out here at Beach University of North University of North Texas
oh buntons that's why real survivors come here
get they doing buggies And run over they dog on accident
I thought you said he died in a sand dune
He did die in a sand dune
He was
He died in
He died in there
And then he was in the sand dune
You hit him with the dune buggy
He landed in the sand dune
Yeah
He got killed by the dune
Just like that movie Dune
What you been doing?
I been doing me Doing you Hey y'all see that movie Dune, just like that movie Dune. What you been doing? I've been doing me, doing you.
Hey, y'all see that movie Dune?
Yeah, I've been doing me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I directed Dune.
Oh, Tony Johnny, you directed Dune?
I thought that was Dennis Vinovano.
Doing my best.
I thought that was Dennis Vinovano.
Trying to get by.
Hold on a second.
Tony Johnny, you didn't direct Dune. That was Denis Vinovano. Trying to get by. Hold on a second. Tony Johnny, you didn't direct Dune.
That was Denis Vinovano.
Yeah, well, it was Denis, but because I was doing this, then this.
So you're doing two.
You're doing too much, Tony Johnny.
I'm doing too damn much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony Johnny, thank you for coming back on the show.
You're always a fucking pleasure to have, my man.
If you're listening to this, it's 11 p.m. Central Standard Time.
And my beautiful fiance has made me a shepherd's pie.
So I'm going to go eat it.
You should go to patreon.com slash pendejo time
and you should give us
five bucks a month
because there's a whole
bunch of episodes on there
and a whole community
of cool discord guys
where you can learn
how to lie on your resume
and how to
do your own breaks
and how to read
there's some smart people
in there
and
you get a bonus episode
of fucking every week including the free ones,
and access to the Discord.
Ten bucks a month gets you all that shit, plus video episodes.
Me and Thomas are going to go fucking film some shit this weekend.
And I'm carless, so I'm taking the Texas Eagle all the way to fucking
Fort Worth Station by the goddamn zoo.
And I didn't even know the train ran like that,
but we're gonna
fucking have a good ass time um and uh we got some some some fucking yeah i don't know i don't
got anything to plug you got anything to plug uh no i just wanted to say uh if you're one of the
new patrons or if you just recently found the show. Thank you for checking us out. For sure, for sure. Thank you, guys.
Oh, I posted.
I did post a link, like, maybe an hour ago.
So this happens every now and then when we get new subscribers.
But some people get auto-added to the Discord, but some don't.
So I do have a link pinned to the Discord on the Patreon feed.
So if you listen to this and you want to sub and you don't get out of the discord automatically,
it's the first post on there called new subs and you can get access to the
discord.
Um,
yeah,
I have,
I am doing standup in February,
but I don't think I can plug the show yet.
So,
um,
if you're in Austin,
I guess we hang out maybe.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Peace.
Nice.