Pendejo Time - Chris lizard

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

have a seat on under that sun lamp for me. what are you doing here ?Support the Show.

Yeah. You can cook something real fast. You got 20 minutes or until you get hit by a car to make the most delicious meal that the judges have ever seen. Talk to our first judge. What's your name, judge? Big Ruckus. I'm from Dallas, born and raised. My favorite type of food is sweet potato sandwich. My second favorite type of food is sweet potato sandwich. My second favorite type of food is barbecue dessert. And my third favorite type of food is insulin.

A little bit about me, I am 572 pounds. I'm 4'8", and I drive a Cutlass Supreme that's so low that it scrapes the ground everywhere I go. That's awesome, Ruckus. And what led you to the middle of I-35 today? I ain't got nowhere else to go. They told me I can't stay. That's great to hear. They said I can't stay at the shelter no more, and I got a house.

I did just like to hang out there for a while, but they say I'm taking up a space for somebody that actually has no house. So now I'm here. So you do have a house. I do got a house, but I do like to spend. I like to hang out at the shelter. I like to cook a sweet potato sandwich and barbecue dessert for all the fucked up, broke ass motherfuckers that call that place home for the weekend. Can I say something?

My voice is like this again. Yeah, that's fine. That's some real ass shit. Thank you, brother. I'd like to help out. Because whenever I was a little kid, I used to stay at my mama's house. Yeah. I like to lend out a helping hand when I can.

Because I'm the big ruckus man. With the bowl and the pan. That's awesome. That'm the big ruckus man with the bowl and the pan. That's awesome. That's awesome, ruckus. So we're going to head over to our next judge. We got three and a half judges today. Judge number two, what's your name? My name is Spicy Pepper, and I like to make all sorts of types of things,

mostly mainly Turkmenistan food. Watch out, there's a car coming. There's like 200 of them. Spicy Pepper had to get out of the way. Spicy Pepper, I like to talk about myself in that third person, and I like to make food from the Caucus Mountains. I came here today because I also got

nothing else to do. Mostly just kind of hanging out, you know? That's awesome. Thank you. Spicy Pepper. Spicy Pepper. That's cool. And for those who do not know, the Caucus Mountains is also where they count how many people there is. So, number three, our third guest of the day, who's also a judge. Can I get your name, young lady?

Hello, my name is... My name is, my name is Vaccina, Vaccina, Vaccina El Diamante. I went to culinary school in Florence and I run a restaurant in downtown Fort Worth called The Brown Buckle. So I think of all the two judges, Mr. Spicy Peter and Big Ruckus are more of like home style

chefs. I'm a Michelin star chef, Vaccina El Diamante of The Brown Buckle. And I'm hoping that maybe one of our contestants can give me my brand, a new dish to serve at my restaurant in downtown Fort Worth. Okay.

Well, I'm glad to hear from you, Vaccina. For those who didn't hear, she lives with her boyfriend, Florence, and she has Michelin tire benefits. She's a member of that. She lives in the Dog Pound, for what it's worth, and she is here today because she needs a place to live. Thank you, Vaccina. And for the record, our first female Latin American, I don't like to throw this term around, but our first Mexican judge.

Yeah, yeah. All the way from. Oh, my God. Watch out. There's a car. It just barely missed me. I'm very thin. Very fragile.

Yeah, barely missed that thin booty. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not thin. Very fragile. Yeah, barely miss that thin booty. I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to say that. This is a family show. What's the host's name? What is the name of the host? You got my name. Vaccina Eldiamante. You also commented on my body.

I feel I should know who's saying things about me. Yeah, you better. My name is Porkus Chops. Oh, you're Latin. Yeah, I'm Latin. I'm Latin European. Very nice, very nice.

And I'm from originally, if I had to be honest, I'm from Little Rock, Arkansas. A lot of Latin guys from Little Rock, Arkansas. Yeah, we call it Paquito Roca. Oh yeah, that's Latin for sure. And that means a little bit rock i think yeah i don't think it even means small i think it means a little bit a little bit of rock yeah a little bit of rock a little bit of rock in arkansas a little bit uh a little bit of food on our 35. And my name is Porkus Chops, and we're bringing it to you live. And now we got one half of a final judge.

Would you like to let us know your name? You only get half a vote, but you're a full-size guy. But it is all the same. Yeah. Thanks for having me. I'm not really so much of a guy as I am, just sort of like a big smoke monster. Just kind of like a big gray plume of smoke. I'm what comes out of the barbecue.

Hell yeah, we all love that. And we used to, if you're like me, if you grew up in Little Rock, you're going to grow up in that barbecue smoke. Yeah. We used to put the stroller right next to where the exhaust came out. My name is Michelangelo the Smoke Monster. Michelangelo the Smoke Monster. That's what I like to hear.

That's some type of shit. Are you from Little Rock too? No, I'm from the ground. From the ground. The underground. The real underground. Yeah. I'm actually from Big Rock.

Big Rock. Yeah. Damn, is that... Like... Damn, that's deep probably. Yeah, it's on the other side of Little Rock. It's just a bigger rock that you can see in the distance. Yeah, I remember Little Rock was called that because one of the explorers was looking through the mountains and he saw a little ass rock.

Yeah. And he picked it up and he went, damn. A lot of... Must be a sign. I love the mountains of Arkansas. There's so many. They got them. Do they?

Yeah, I've been We've both been there That's right Anyway yeah I'm Michelangelo The Smoke Monster I'm very happy to be here With Big Ruckus

And Spicy Peter And Vaccine L Diamante Well you fucking better You better watch out Well don't even watch out Smoke Monster Cause that car You're gonna go right through you Yeah that's the cool thing About, Smoke Monster, because that car is going to go right through you.

Yeah, that's the cool thing about not having a corporal form is that everything kind of goes right through you. Yeah. I'm pretty happy about that. Just like my baby mama. She went right through it. Okay. Yeah, that's funny. She got IBS.

So was she. All right. Everything goes right through her. Yeah. And now she has colon cancer. Yeah, don't say that because I'll get scared. No, I'm pretty torn up about it. There's a guy I know who has IBS. No, she's 78, though.

Okay, cool. Well, I got 40 more years. That's right. years, like 48. No, and she also she also she has it because she likes it. She she

So we got a great show for you guys today. What's their first dish? I mean, you've met all the judges. Alright, so if you guys ever watch the show, if I was going to tell you guys the first dish, I would have by now. So everybody in the crowd, I need y'all to shut the fuck up because I'm stressed out on this highway and I don't know how to get out of here. So we got some traffic cones lined up for y'all to cook on. And for our first contestant, let me enter.

Now, I know you guys like it when the first 10 minutes of a show are talking about who the judges might be. So now I want to bring on one of the first contestants. There's 30 contestants. Yeah, there's 30 contestants. And they each get 30 minutes for the intro. And then we move to the main show.

That'll be about two weeks. Yeah, so far our first contestant Oh my God. They just told me I'm going to do the voice for the first contestant. Okay, I guess I got to do the voice. So what's your name, son? Bluebird. All right, Bluebird.

Hell yeah. You got some big. So excited. You got some. So excited to see you, Bluebird. Yeah, Bluebird, you better be ready to cook. Yeah, I'm excited to see what you can do. Olale.

Yeah, Bluebird, I cook dishes that are made out of food. All right, Bluebird, that's fucking, I mean, who doesn't? But, so you got your purple, is that your whole thing? But, so you got your purple? Is that your whole thing? Purple Bluebird. But I like to cook stuff that's made out of food, and I'll make it in a gumbo. All right, so this is fucking Bluebird.

How old are you, Bluebird? That was a horrible intro. I'm, well, I'm four, and my favorite foods are goldfish crackers and goldfish casserole and fried goldfish chicken. Alright, I wonder what the fuck he's gonna cook today. Probably some bullshit. Alright, Bluebird, I hope you fucking lose because that sucked. Alright, we got another contestant.

What's your name? Say hi, I'm Simon. Hi, I'm Simon. What? Oh, damn, you got a nice voice. Wow. Hey, that was me. I just wanted to sing y'all a song Start out with

My name is Michael Jackson Michael Jackson Has anybody Michael Jackson has anybody ever told you You look a lot like Michael Like MJ like Michael Jackson Yeah they tell me all the time Damn y'all got the same name too

Yeah they tell me all the time I like to make all sorts of things. I like to make bread. Bread? I like to make love. I like to make sauce. And I like to make drink. Yeah, uh...

All right, well, thank you, Michael. Alright well thank Thank you Michael So you I did see I did hear you threw love in there Is that like Is that a type of Like you mean you put love into your food

No I try to fuck everybody on the show Oh man Well Bluebird's four So far So we have you and a four-year-old so far. Hey, baby, that's clinically accurate. I hope we got some more grown-ups on this show. They better not be.

Who don't let Michael Jackson do whatever they want, because historically that has not stopped anything. I'm going to make you some baby food, baby. Oh, my God. So, for our next consistent, Big Tall Motherfucker, what's your name? Ah, Tree. Tree Spaghetti.

Tree Spaghetti General. Tree Spaghetti General. And what's your name, son? Tree Spaghetti General. Tree Spaghetti General. Nice. And what's your name, son? Tree Spaghetti General. Tree Spaghetti General. Nice. And what's your name, son? Tree Spaghetti General.

Nice, man. And what brings you on the show? Um, uh, I think I'm gonna be on the show because I like to cook 17 things at a time, and that's my signature dish. I can cook 17 things at once. For my favorite dinner I like to have spaghetti, meatballs,

cheese, noodles, beef, sauce, pasta, parmesan, fork, knife, drink, glass, parmesan cheese, broccoli, parmesan, cheese.

No. And spaghetti. And I can make all that one in one night. All right, so it sounds like you. I don't. All right, thank you. Thank you, Tree. Tree Spaghetti General.

I believe maybe Tree Spaghetti General was in my class at the Culinary Arts in Florence, Italy. I knew you looked familiar. There aren't a lot of eight-foot-tall guys in full camo covered in blood in cooking school in Florence, Italy. So I just want to say, Tree Spaghetti General, it's wonderful to see you here in the middle of I-35 cooking for everybody here. I'm just also now realizing I need to differentiate. I am Vaccina Aldiamonte, not Michael Jackson. Kind of maybe got ahead of ourselves getting a guest that's very similar to me. But anyway, next.

I love you That's awesome, Tree Spaghetti General We had a lot of great times in Florence Yeah, we did You were very, very, very There were a lot of oils coming off of you last I remember A lot of red oil Okay, okay

Alright, and we got 15 more contestants So I hope y'all are enjoying the intro so far Because it looks like we are It looks like we're about a quarter of the way through our hour. But, y'all, I want to introduce, how many guests do we have so far? We have at least three, right? Yeah, we got Tree Spaghetti General, we have Plubert, and then we have Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson, yeah, how could I forget? We have 27 more contestants to get through before.

We have 27 more contestants, and then we can get to the main show. I can't wait. All right, so I want to introduce y'all to my favorite guest out of all these. I know I can't say that. I'm the host, but I'll say it. I love this guest better than anybody. What's your name?

Yeah, I knew it. I knew that he would show up. That's Goose. That's Goose. Yeah. He was here at the last one, too. Yeah, Goose, talk that shit. And what makes you want to start being a professional chef? Yeah, and if you guys remember last year, he's a veteran, so y'all better watch out this year.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I never thought I would have to Watch a goose cook But I am interested in the things He could perhaps make me Huh

Hey that's not a nice word We don't use that word anymore Yeah some of these contestants Have a lot of lip Goose has a lot of peak I'll put it like that Huh So

Yeah we got 75 more contestants So y'all want to hear for the next one yeah what's your name what's your name lady my name's boobies boobies Charles Virginia Adam boobies Charles Virginia Adam I love that name that was my mama's name. Mama Ruckus, a.k.a. Boobies Charles Virginia Adam. It is so wonderful to see you. Even though you are not my Mama Ruckus, you remind me of her on account that you do have her name. Yeah, we're all friends, so you can call me Boobies Chuck Virginia. And then you don't even have to say my last name.

Boobies Chuck Virginia, I'm so happy to see you here at the I-35 cooking contest. Ah, me too. I'm going to make, well, I can't say. My favorite foods I'd have to say would probably be marshmallow, maybe an inquisitive sandwich, or perhaps Barbara's Delight Alright, that sounds good That sounds super good

You look good God damn, you look so good Boobies Damn, oh my gosh She's shaking out that I'm just kidding, she's not shaking anything I'm trying to be professional here, but they got me on a new medication where I can't get close to women or my body gets hot. So I hope y'all are ready to have an awesome ass show today.

So y'all know how this show works. Everybody knows no need for me to go over the ground rules. So for the first round of the first show uh i just wanted to get y'all to be able to introduce some guests so we got another guest here uh what's your name hey what's going on um yeah no it's uh my name is sean i uh i'm actually i work with uh texas department of public safety i don't know what you guys are doing out here, but it looks like you're trying to host a cooking show. I'm judging by the...

That's right. Watch out. There's a car. No, I cut the traffic off on account of that. I'm the police. It seems... I'm just going to assume that you do not have a permit on account of, it looks like, that there is a short Mexican guy,

a 500 pound black man, a plume of smoke and a very thin white woman. These are the I'm guessing because they're wearing judge hats, big eight foot tall white hats that say judge on them. And then there is a big man in camo covered in spaghetti and then a purple man. in camo, covered in spaghetti, and then a purple man. And I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you guys did not get this approved. So, unfortunately, I'm going to have to shut this whole thing down on the count of I'm So, Sean, what made you want to get into cooking? I don't think you heard me the first time. Porkus.

Porkus Chops. I think that. Porkus. Porkus Chops. I think that's your name. Porkus Chops from Little Rocks. Yeah, yeah. On the block. I make it hot. No. Sean is here.

He cooks a lot. I don't. I'm dying. And I'm here to give him what I got. Cooking food on highway time. Looking awesome. Add some lime. Chips and cookies. Looking awesome. Add some lime. Chips and cookies.

Chicken bread. Sean does awesome. Dance on head. Uh, no. Listen. That's called the Highway Freestyle. Listen. I'm going to shoot everybody here, and then we're going to move on, okay?

Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. I'm going to shoot everybody here, and then we're going to move on, okay? That guy's a plume of smoke. He can't shoot his ass. He's going to stay here. He's going to block all the cars with his smoke. Yeah, I guess I did get ahead of myself thinking I could shoot something. And you just shot Michael Jackson. Not going to lie, Mike, I thought you were dead.

As for Plobert, I don't know what the fuck you are. I know you're a kid, but I don't feel bad shooting you. You seem like some sort of purple creature. I'm a purple kid. Tree Spaghetti General, you look like some baby encrypted of some sort. Vaccina El Diamante, it's actually really cool to meet you. Big fan. My wife watches you on the TV.

Spicy Peter, I fucking don't like brown people, so you're dead as hell. Let's see. Okay. And then Big Ruckus, yeah, you're in the same boat as Spicy Pete In fact I'd like you less I think On account of you're really really fat And I don't like it At all I don't like the shape of your body And your stature

Damn that's cold This competition is starting to heat up It's over I killed everybody here It looks like everybody has been killed, including me. And we haven't even gotten past the intro. Folks, this is about to be the hottest competition. It looks like lifted Ford F-250s are driving over my body,

as well as the bodies of everybody else here. We are smeared across the highway. It looks like a cattle truck got hit by a train. Yeah, the copter's up. That's the sound a helicopter makes in this world. It's not... It's clipping because the road sound is so loud. So I can't hear the helicopters.

Also because my ears have been crushed hundreds of times by chevrolet suburban chevrolet suburban you can take your kids to school chevrolet suburban you can make your house look cool chevrolet suburban you can take your husband at lunch chevrolet suburban you can make people's bones go crunch. That's a new commercial jingle. Chevrolet reached out to me and they asked me to write it, so I've been working on it.

Yeah. They asked me to write one too, but I did such a sick-ass rap that they said, if we do this, we're going to sell out all our cars and we won't have any more cars to sell. And I said, if we do this, we're going to sell out of all our cars, and we won't have any more cars to sell. And I said, whatever. I have to go unlock the door for my little brother.

All right, well, I'll do the song while you're gone. Yeah. Riding in the Chevy Suburban, and I'm urban, and I'm learning, and I'm going around the track, and it's curving like my booty, and I'm not a newbie, and I'm not nude. I'm going around the track and it's curving like my booty. And I'm not a newbie. And I'm not nude. I'm not nudie. I'm in the shower with my clothes on.

Yeah, I'm hanging out and all my bros are on the couch. Nice mouth. All my friends got a nice mouth. Oh, there's a mouse in my house, but it's got a nice house. Oh, something's chilly. It's an ice house. Oh, that's a mouse in my house, but it's got an ice house. Oh, something's chilly. It's an ice house. Oh, that's a nice blouse. What did Chevy say when you sent them that?

Did they say they seem receptive? They said that I was kind of alarmed by what they sent back because it was just a, I didn't even know who the email was from, but it said my panties are wet. And I said, that's disgusting. Ew. I'm not dealing with you guys. And it turned out to be Barack Obama.

Apparently he works for Chevrolet now. And he models the cars by, he lets them drive into his asshole. You know who I was thinking of? I was thinking of his other daughter. The less famous one, Chevrolet Obama. It might have been her. There's Malia. Chevrolet Obama, yeah.

There's Malia and there's Brittany and then there's Chevrolet Obama It might have been her There's Malia There's Malia And there's Brittany And then there's Chevrolet The new 2025 Chevrolet Obama First in safety Last in

Getting you home We'll get you there safe As long as it's not a Syrian way Chevrolet Obama It's got one of those like royalty free Butt rock Chevrolet Obama Chevrolet

With the new Chevrolet Obama We'll get you there Wherever you're going With the new Chevrolet Obama. We'll get you there. Wherever you're going, wherever you've been, Chevrolet Obama will get you there again. Chevrolet Obama. It's like peaches and cream. Yeah, it's actually pretty good.

That's good. Although, I don't know how that peaches and cream doesn't really get across Peaches and cream is good It doesn't really get across that it's a truck It's for him being biracial He's got a little bit of cream A little bit of peaches I understand where you're going I think peaches is like

Clinically a black person fruit And then cream of course would be white But I like the voice. I like where you're going with the voice. I don't really. Chevrolet. I'm Sam Elliott, and I'm gay. Well, that's not.

Well, we're trying to. We need you to. With the new Chevrolet Gay Obama. No. We'll get you there. With the new first in safety first in gas mileage or first in safety last in gas mileage with the new vibrating seats vibrating passenger seats for when your bitch wife is driving you home because she won't let you drive the car that you paid for you pay this 900 a month

lease on and all you got to do is under the passenger seat, there's a little button, and it's called secret Sibian mode, and it'll vibrate your prostate to give you a secret orgasm while your wife yells at you. And so you can fantasize. I don't know what people, I don't know what fantasy you'd have it feels weird for me to make one up because then people listening to the show would think it was my fantasy and i don't have any so uh get the new chevrolet homosexual new from chevrolet collaboration with the u.s navy Yeah, that was a great take.

The truck was called the Chevrolet Obama, but the Chevrolet Homosexual kind of rolls off the tongue a little bit better. So I really appreciate you. My name is Chevrolet Homosexual. Je m'appelle Chevrolet Homosexual. I am a racist. I am Macron's chief racist department Chevrolet homosexual. Oh, you want to hear something cool?

Carvana sent me a really cool offer, and I think I'm going to take it, but I wanted to run it by you and the listeners at home so it's like hooked up to my credit karma and they were like Jake we've got a great deal for you you're eligible for a $37,000 car loan directly through Carvana

and I was like well that's more than I don't want to spend that much money but if I'm eligible for that's more than I I don't want to spend that much money but if I'm eligible for that that must mean that my credit's good somehow so I'll go check the terms of the loan and maybe get like a you know a reliable daily or something and and just see what the terms are check this out and again I'm mulling it over. I had it saved on my laptop. One second. Where was I? Oh, here it is. Yeah, 23.24% APR.

$3,000 down. $982 a month for 78 months. I think I might take it. I don't know. What do you guys think? Sounds good. Whenever I was getting my car from CarMax, I had gotten a loan from my credit union because I'd never gotten a loan before. And that was 11% APR, and that was the best I could get anywhere.

CarMax was like, are you sure you don't want to go with us? It'd be a little bit faster, and it'd be just a 25% APR. I was like, why would I want literally more than double the APR to save like two hours worth of paperwork? I mean, you're going to like... You know there's some guy who's like, yeah, it's fine. No, for sure. I mean, that's the thing about those is that like

whenever I sent you that screenshot, when I fuck around on Facebook Marketplace, I come across those used dealerships. It's like $3,800 down on a Chevy Malibu, 182,000 miles, $125 weekly. Come get it. People buy that. People buy that car. No credit. You know, one of those, like, no credit check places.

And I understand that people, like, this is America, baby. You've got to have a chariot. You've got to have one. There ain't no trains for you, and the bus system sucks around here, so you've got to have a car. But I feel like I would much rather, like, buy a beater or just take the shoelace express than put myself in that situation. You know what I mean?

Like, that's not. Because a car, having that on a car, I mean like definitely like that's not because a car having dead on a car i mean i have dead on a car but it's so stressful anytime something goes wrong or something and if it's over like a crazy amount you know what i mean you like have to do maintenance on it so fucking annoying yeah like i've needed to replace my brake pads for like a year i think but i'm like i literally owe money on the car. I'll just fucking, I'll just pay off $11,000 first. Yeah.

And then I'll get my brake pads done, which costs like $500 maybe. There's a dealership by my apartment and the reviews are really, really bad. And like the bad reviews all are like, hey, I took this car off the lot and I got a quarter mile down at 35 and all the check engine things came on and then the engine started rattling and then I took it in and there was no coolant in the radiator and then the engine had a knock, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then all the responses from the dealership are like, hey, Mike, thanks for commenting your review. Everything we do is to honor God. So we would never do anything like what you're suggesting. Everything we do is to honor god so we would never do anything like what you're suggesting everything we do is to honor god and so it would not honor god if we sold you a lemon uh but thank you for the reply hopefully we can uh work this out then the second one is like yeah i uh got down the road and my rear differential locked up uh and i pulled over and it was leaking

gear oil everywhere and the engine was smoking and then you know their review is like hey esmeralda wonderful review thank you for taking the time out of your busy day uh we love jesus and and jesus says we are not allowed to sell cars with bad transmissions so we would not do that and after like four or five of them i'm like somebody reads these and they go yeah yeah, no, I believe that. You know what I mean? Like there's a certain type of like wet-brained southerner that's like their intuition, you know, they're like their gut feeling of like, I'm about to get fucked over.

If a guy just kind of like puts on a nice smile and is like, I'll fucking, everything I do is for the Lord. You go, ah, me too. And then, you know, they get their life ruined or whatever the fuck. I love honoring God personally. Yeah, I just did it the other day, actually. Oh, yeah. I wonder if I don't think I've been getting like mystery sicknesses that are like COVID, but I test negative. I think maybe I just got like some.

I'm responsible and I don't think I've tested myself for COVID since 2021. That's pretty sick. I went to. But it's okay. I went to a friend's party, and he asked me to test before I got there, and so I did it. I would say no.

It was all made up anyway, and I would slap him. Yeah, I thought about that. I was about to say, yeah, the pandemic for the demon rats. You mean the woke mind virus that's going around seems like you caught it you fuck no i'm just kidding he's a nice guy very close friend of mine yeah it is funny to me when people act like they were never freaked out by covid i think everybody just i don't think anybody remembers anything uh i like that i knew a couple guys who weren't freaked out by it but they were all they

were all like brain damaged yeah i i was really scared dude like it first of all yeah it sucked it was my birthday when the world shut down uh and i was like oh like it was like march 15th 2020 like don't come back to school don't come back to work we'll call you and i was like March 15th, 2020. Like, don't come back to school. Don't come back to work. We'll call you. And I was like, okay. And, uh, and I was like, oh shit. Like, this is really bad. Like whatever the fuck. Uh, and then like three months later, um, my mom was like, I'm going to go to casino because COVID is, uh, is fake. And I was like, okay. She was like, I'm going to go to a casino because COVID is fake. And I was like, okay. She was like, do you want to come to the casino with me?

And I was like, I'm pretty sure COVID is real. And she was like, I don't want to go to the casino by myself. And I was like, all right, I'll go to the casino. And then I went to the casino and I got COVID. Like immediately. I got COVID like almost immediately. And then I believed that you had some sort of immunity to it. That's what everybody was saying at the time,

and then I got COVID again. I don't know how many times I've had it, but my body loves to get it, I guess is what I'm saying. It absolutely loves COVID. I think I only had it once, and it was like two years into the pandemic or something, but one of my coworkers at the time just came in and had it and just gave it to everybody. Yeah.

Yeah. He was super sick, too. He was, like, green. He showed up to work green. I remember when I was in the Lazy River drunker than the day is long at this casino, and all these people were like, I just want to get back to my life. This is clearly, like like a planned thing. It's fake. I want to get back to my life.

I have control over my life, and I don't like being told what to do. And I'm on a tube drinking a big Mai Tai, no mask, right? And I'm like, I'm so much better than these idiots because I believe that it's real, and i'm also doing nothing to stop it and i'm doing the same thing they're doing but i'm better than them because i think it's real i guess i don't know like i i mostly went because like i think my mom had like made plans to go to

the casino like months in advance before covid even hit and then like in my little good boy like mama's boy heart I was like I don't want my mom to play slot machines by herself so I'll go play you know and then I just got like the coronavirus which really sucked because I had to come back home and I was talking like all this shit about like dude I fuck I fucked the game up I really couldn't say anything after this but I talk all this shit where I was like yeah this is real you guys need to be careful and then I like in secret right like go to the casino with my mom because I felt bad I didn't want her to go alone and then I just get COVID and then after that I was like yeah it's real but I don't really have any moral high ground anymore. Dude, I got COVID playing racist slot machines.

Do you understand? Like, out of, like, a mother's boy guilt, I was like, I'll pull on this Indian man's nose and see if I can make a couple hundred dollars. Just kidding. I got the novel coronavirus. And so I really didn't have any leg to stand on after that. Yeah. and so I really didn't have any leg to stand on after that. Yeah, and now it's crazy because it was just a few years ago that we had to worry about the coronavirus,

and now it seems like a lot of people are more preoccupied with their iPhone-a-virus. Yeah. iPhones that I buy so we can play on them. Yeah, iPhones that I buy is probably what people spend an inordinate amount of time really concerned about, iPhones that I bias so we can play on them. Yeah, iPhones that I bias is probably what people spend an inordinate amount of time really concerned about. iPhones that I bias. I was going to say him-her-ona-virus. Him-her-prononavirus.

Now the scariest part of the novel coronavirus is that millennials sit and they think, oh, God, I have to write a novel? Yeah. Because they've never done that before. Yeah, they only like... Us Gen Xers were the last to do it. Yeah, us cool, tough Gen Xers.

And we were the last ones to not have... Now they think... To me, can I be honest? Of course. To me, COVID is just cancel culture. Yeah, to me... Yeah, to me... To me, when the government shut everything down they

were just trying to cancel small businesses and they were trying to cancel church and they were trying to cancel yeah they were saying that they wanted it so the gay guys could kiss and nobody could see because they weren't exactly they were out in public and they were just kissing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you learn about the Supreme Court case that, like, it was the one in Texas that, like, legalized. I forget. Anyway, the cop, like, kicks the door in and he sees two guys sucking on each other and they go to jail for sodomy. But it, like, made being gay, like, legal. I forget the details. But I remember reading that and being like damn dude it used to be pretty

wild out here like you could go to jail for just sucking on a dude's feet you know what i mean i think everything that everything between two men was considered sodomy for like a long time in the south so people are worried about coronavirus but they should be worried about a sodomy They should be worried about a sodomy. The big boner inside us. Big boner inside us. Big boner inside us. Hey. Yeah, anyway.

Yeah. People used to be worried about COVID-19, and now they're all looking at their screen. Now they say, hey, I'm looking at my screen. It used to be COVID-19, and now everyone's worried about iPhone and 15 because it's the new one that just came out. Yeah. It used to be COVID-19, and now my girlfriend's 16.

That is wild. Truly wild, in fact. That's probably one of the craziest things you ever told me. I don't think she's 16, but, I mean, hey, look, you know, whatever. I don't think so's 16 but i mean if you hey look you know whatever i don't think so either but you never know you never know i wonder if my dad if my dad ever thought about that he's dead i guess it doesn't matter but um my mom my for those not in the know my dad was 25 my mom was 16 when i was uh made yeah and jake was I was zero and I I always wonder like when she told my dad that she was like 19 I wonder if my dad was like all right yeah but if there's a part of him

that was like I don't know you know what I mean like I guess not right because I'm here like I'm just walking around I guess he didn't think too much about it, but, you know. Hey, you know, back then, things were different. Dude, honestly, like, I can't, you know, you can't, I mean, I guess you can speak. No, no, you fucking listen to an LL Cool J song from back then, and it's all about hunting down high school girls on foot. Dude, yeah. We were talking i was joking about the nelly song ride with me the other day i was like she could be 18 18 with

an attitude 19 kind of snotty acting it's like he was like 28 when that song came out like you know it was the 90s it was a different time i'm pretty sure you could knock up a teenager up until like 2002 i think 9-11 changed it. You still can. I mean, you for sure can, but like without any sort of social repercussions. You know what I mean? I think 9-11 changed a lot of things for a lot of guys. I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a girl in high school who got pregnant by one of the coaches.

Yeah. And they just got married. Yeah, my parents didn't do that. My dad went and played Everclear. But the coach was like 35, probably. And then the girl was like 18, I guess. Yeah. But he coached at the same school that she was at.

Do you know what song my dad used to sing for my mom when he played in his cover band and she would go to sing his go to his shows you know that song that's like can we forget about the things i said when i was drunk oh yeah didn't mean to yeah that was like my mom used to tell me my dad would tell me too that that song would come on the radio and my mom like she would almost longingly like the way that like if like any other couple if it's like a shania twain song or like a fleetwood mac song that's maybe wholesome and nice or something you know uh that song would come on about like uh some guy that crashed in his car into his girlfriend's front lawn and my mom would be like oh this is me and your father's song this is it's just it's just always just always been that way what you're looking at on your phone pictures of children uh no i thought there was something urgent going on but oh yeah

me too earlier i thought sometimes i only see the last message and i think oh no and then there's it wasn't whenever somebody calls me that's not normally when they call me, I just think they're dead now. Like, my brother just called me. He only calls me at night to go pick him up. And I was like, ah, shit. He got burnt in the fryer or something. They put him. They turned him into an egg roll or some shit,

and I got to go get him. He just got cut from work, so. But, yeah. Yeah, he got cut. He got killed. I wonder what year was the last year that it was like not it was a social faux pas to rock the cradle and i'm not even saying that to be stupid i like i genuinely because i i when i asked my parents i've talked about this on the show before but

like i asked my parents i was like was that and both my parents were like it's a different time and i like at a time i was like that's stupid maybe it was 9-11 i i i don't know if it was 9-11 i think it was probably post-occupy because during the new metal era and then during that like the war in iraq like we were over there fucking dropping bodies dude so you can knock up whoever the fuck you wanted man it was all american fuck and blood fest up until like the housing crisis. And then the housing crisis happened. And then everybody is like, you know, oh, we got to occupy Wall Street. We got to occupy the fucking bank or whatever the fuck. And I think after Occupy and when people when you when the woke mind virus got out, I think that's when it was it became socially to have sex with a teenager.

You know what I mean that's my running theory yeah I haven't had sex with a teenager in a long time yeah I think I like that you can say that to like it'd be very funny

to say that like at a bar with friends and mean it in just in an earnest way but there's no context in which that doesn't sound really really bad like you could be talking about like when you lost your virginity or whatever but yeah i haven't had sex as a teenager and probably like i don't know it's been a while it's been yeah i i had a a bit in high school where I would ask friends when they had their first girlfriend

and then I would tell people like like oh like did you hear this guy like he had a girlfriend he like dated a second grader that's pretty good and then he'd be like yeah like in second grade and I'm like that's crazy I'm not you're not the one asking the questions, but all right.

You know, when I get older, which may happen, honestly, I think I kind of want to just hang out at high school just to like protect the girls, you know what I mean? Yeah. The thing about, I feel like we live in a really dangerous world um and so not enough men are protectors that's the sad thing um not enough men know how to swaddle to um yearn or pine or or hold or kiss so

guys like us have to take up the mantle for for weak men we have to cuddle and and keep close you know

I yeah I just kinda I just wanna protect and I'll pretty much do anything just really loudly at a house party over the music with one of your nostrils bleeding if anybody fucking tries something on any of these women

i'm here watching okay just so loud like oh like over the fucking over just like yeah i'm really i really uh i'm into protecting women. Probably my favorite thing is protecting women, keeping them safe. Honestly, when I see a woman getting hurt, I smile because I know I'm about to fucking end all her suffering. I'm about to get in between her and that suffering. Yeah. Really cool party, man. Thank you for inviting me. Yeah, dude.

Could you just not? Could you not do the thing where, you're talking with a group of people and you start talking about how you really like to protect women so I just I won't talk about it this time because I brought my staff anyway and I do think that kind of speaks for itself. The staff says I love to

protect women it's embossed. It says I only kill men on it. Well that's the other side the other side says I came here to protect women and drink beer and I'm all out of beer theed It says I only kill men on it Well that's the other side The other side says I came here to protect women And drink beer And I'm all out of beer The other side says I kill men on it

So I just I mean for the sake of everybody At the party I just don't want to make anybody A cocked boy You know what I mean I just It's my house

So you know If you could leave Yeah I want to make everybody comfortable And I don't feel like They would be comfortable If there wasn't like a guy Like a Like a guy with a staff or something, like a cloak. Right.

Something to protect women. Right, right, right. Because you see what these girls are wearing nowadays. I got to protect them. Yeah, I mean, we're all like 30 here, right? There's not really like, there's no, we've all been friends for years, man. I don't know what happened. I really don't know what happened to you i don't know if it was the if it was your second

tour or whatever in zimbabwe but i don't you could just leave it was a bad war out there if you could just leave so one this is one versus ten thousand leave the staff in your car and if you could take off the it doesn't fit in my car i have to hold it out the window when i car and if you could take off the It doesn't fit in my car. I have to hold it out the window when I drive. Well, if you could just let it hang out the window and if you could go and take the black robes off and whatever is producing a black mist from your head,

if you could turn that off too. I got a pair of shorts you can wear, man. Let's just hang out. Let's just drink some beers, brother. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly something that a rapist would say. But, man, I... But nice try. And I get worried because they're making air ducts so much bigger nowadays

that it used to be only a kid could climb through your AC and hop into your bedroom and try and sleep with you. And now a grown-up can do it. So I've been trying to block all the AC vents in your house this weekend. That's probably why everything's been so hot. Yeah. I mean, listen. That's probably why the AC unit keeps burning up, costing you $30,000 at a time.

But I've been trying to protect all the women you have here because just even looking with, like, infrared goggles, you can see all of them in here. So I was wondering if we should put a cooling cloak over them before they come in. Like, I have these basically. They look like saran wrap, but basically you have to take off all your clothes and put a protective cloak over it.

And it's very tight to the body but it keeps them invisible from infrared and and um and it's it's sort of a cooling um and and uh there's also a pill you have to take to help the cooling effect yeah you were telling me it shuts your core body temperature down, among other things you were saying. Yeah, and that way it would keep any attackers from driving home. Okay. Well, man, listen.

I don't think you can wrap up the girls in plastic and feed them pills that make them tired, and I don't think that you can wear black robes in my house, and I want you to leave your 30-foot-long staff in the car. And if you could do all those things for me, you can come to my son's birthday party. Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk about. I don't want this to be about your son. And I hate to commandeer where the party's going. I hate to steal a direction like that.

I don't really want your son here because I am worried that there's going to be a pedophile here. I am scared that you invited one. Honestly. There's always one, and I know it's not me, but I know that somebody else might be one. I don't think. And so I need your son to get the saran wrap too. But we have another special pill that makes him warm so that if we need to track him with infrared he'll be super bright on the map okay i don't um i don't and we also need to micro i don't want you

i i think it's not necessary in my own home for you to wrap my son in plastic wrap and feed him a pill that makes him hot that's exactly what a victim would say. I'm not a... A future victim. I'm not a... A future father of a victim would say is, oh, we didn't think it was necessary to give him a pill to make his body warm and to wrap him in plastic and to bring him in a room

full of a bunch of adult women also wrapped in plastic, but we gave them different pills. Oh, man, I'm just... That's what you would say to fucking Chris Hansen or whatever. I don't know why or how we know

each other, man. I feel like I don't know you anymore. Or if I ever did. I feel like I'm Chris Hansen right now. Trying to talk to you over this crap. Chris Hansen. Yeah, yeah, man. Hey, man, if you... Come check out something in the backyard with me.

I'm going to show you something in the backyard. We're going to go. Hey, buddy, there's a guy out in the backyard, and he says he's here to kill all the women and my son. You've got to come see him, buddy. Well, that can't be true. You've got to come see him. He's real.

He's real, and he's out there, and he wishes to do it. He wants to make all the women in here warm and he wants to make my son cold. Before we do that, I need you to get in the saran wrap. I need to get you in the saran wrap first to protect you because otherwise I can't track you. I promise you. Listen, he's about to feed the pills that are going to make all the women

hot and make my son cold. And you need to go and you need to go stop him. But he's in the backyard. Okay? Well, I already put up my staff so I'm going to go get my staff out of the car. And it's going to take about 30 minutes because I had to fold up the staff. Okay, that's fine. And I had to take out the rods that keep it firm. That's fine, buddy.

And then I have to maneuver the staff up the fire escape again because he wouldn't let me take the elevator because it's not staff. It doesn't have room in there for a staff. That's OK. Yeah. So I'll be in the backyard with your son if you could go grab the staff out of my car. It'll take you about 30 minutes. And while you're out there, I'm going to go ahead and give him the pills and stuff. And I'm going to.

And there's a backpack I need him to fit into, so if somebody tries to abuse him or something, they'll think, oh, that's not a little boy, that's a backpack. There's nothing to be... You know, there's nothing to stick around for. Man, I hate to tell you this. I lied to you. I was going to take you to the backyard,

and I was going to hit you over the head with my barbell and kill you because I don't really see this conversation going anywhere productive. But. Barbell, you were going to give me a haircut? You piece of shit. Oh, it's time for me to make a steak. Hi, my name's Chris Handsome. You mind striking a pose for me?

What are you doing here so ugly? Hi, my name's Chris Handsome. Were you here to meet this beautiful adult woman? Yeah, well, we were calling. We were, like, sexting. I figured it was fine. Well, we were calling. We were like sexting. I figured it was fine. Well, that was actually me. And those pictures you got of her naked body.

That was my wife. Here she is. And I'm going to watch you guys fuck. And I'm going to. Oh, you brought you brought wine you brought champagne yeah you want to drink that with my well i don't want to have sex with your wife man i just figured i i thought i was just yeah you do this was a one night i'm chris hans i'm chris handsome and you're gonna get with my wife her name is wife handsome wow that wow incredible name um

yeah you were talking to a lady named Wife, and you thought she wasn't married. Well, I mean, you know, I thought maybe she was from the Gambia or something. Yeah, her screen name is Wifeena. Vexina El Diamante. Is that you? Hey, it's me from earlier.

Homophobic Chris Hansen, you mind telling me why you were speaking to another adult man Over Snapchat To catch a gay guy It looks like you sent him pictures of your exposed rear end Yeah, I mean, I'm an adult man Yeah, the guy said he was 29, I'm 32 That's not Pretty normal

That's even... Pretty normal. That's even... Yeah, that's... He's in his late... He's almost 30. I'm barely over 30. Yeah. Anything seem a little odd about that exchange? Anything seem off?

Yeah, I'm... Did you think at some point maybe you weren't even talking to a woman? I'm Chris Hitler. I'm Chris Hitler and you're, and now you have to die. I'm Chris Lizard. Would you mind? Chris Lizard. Would you mind sitting right there?

Would you mind sitting on that hot rock under the sun lamp, please, for me? What brings you to this hot rock under this lamp? I'm Chris Lizard. So were you here to meet a tadpole? Is that what I heard, that you were here to meet a little newt? Wow. Wow. And you are a fully grown tadpole.

You are a fully grown savannah monitor, and you're here to meet a newt. Wow. That is something else. Do you have anything to say for the lizards at home? And it looks like over this kick message, you said

Would you mind telling me why you're a snake? Wow, can't wait to see that beard. That's pretty forward of you to say about a newt who doesn't even have his full bearded dragon beard yet. It's pretty forward of you to say about a newt who doesn't even have his full bearded dragon beard yet. It's pretty nasty stuff, man. Great. I love that sexy tail. Hey, I'm Chris iPhone.

Were you here to send texts to a phone? It looks like you were sending messages to a phone. It looks like you were sending messages to a flip phone. Kind of young, don't you think? Chris iPhone. It looks like the iPhone you were sending these messages to was 12. Wow, iPhone 15, huh?

I'm Chris Messenger. I'm, um... I'm, uh... I'm... I'm Chris Christie. I see you brought a pizza. Were you going to eat that? May I eat it all? I see you brought a donut.

Are you going to finish that? I see you're here to meet a 13-year-old girl. You'll be disappointed to hear I already ate. Hey, I'm Chris Angel. You don't know how I just did that. Hey, I'm Chris Angel. I hate that he's Greek. I'm Chris Farley.

Got any heroin? Hey, I'm Chris P. Cream. I'm fucking... I'm made of sugar and sweets. It said you wanted your pussy hot and fresh. Well, I'm Krispy Kreme. Yeah, I'm Kris... I'm Kris Benoit.

Ah! You mind taking a seat next to that home gym for me? Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. It says here you're a four-year-old boy. I'm going to have to shoot you in the head. It says here you're a four-year-old boy. I'm going to have to shoot you in the head. It says here you're my wife. Homie, now I'm crisping wine.

I've been thinking. It's fucked up. He shouldn't have done all that stuff. Yeah, good thing he didn't. I saw a conspiracy the other day that Jim Carrey all that stuff. Yeah. Good thing he didn't. I saw a conspiracy the other day that Jim Carrey killed that guy's family. It was by one of the... The Jim Carrey killed Crispin. Yeah, do you know those Twitter accounts?

They're like the QAnon moms. They're like really old ladies, and they like Facetune the fuck out of their profile pictures, and they have like running lists of celebrities that have been cloned or adrenochrome factories that have been bombed. Anyway, it was this long thread about how Chris Benoit was going to leak to the news that Jim Carrey was a pedophile,

and Jim Carrey left a shoot. I forget what movie he was shooting. I think The Majestic, and he drove and killed Chris Benoit's entire family and then killed Crispin Wah. So it's not a real conspiracy theory insofar as it has any legs. But it's like more than 100 people believe it. It's like a popular. It's like the Tom Hanks one or whatever.

It's like one of those Hollyweird, Pedowood ones that people believe. Yeah. Which my thing is, dude, I would pay... If there's heaven and you can get whatever the fuck you want type deal, I would pay as much as I could in heaven dollars to see a fistfight between Jim Carrey and Chris Benoit. Because I know that that would be awesome. I know that would be fucking sick. Yeah, Jim Carrey and Chris Benoit because I know that that would be awesome I know that would be fucking sick

yeah Chris Jim Carrey known known badass known tough animal man I'd seen the conspiracy that Jim Carrey had like like

pushed his girlfriend to suicide yes which is less of a conspiracy theory like, pushed his girlfriend to suicide or whatever. But I hadn't seen the... So she... Which is less of a conspiracy theory. She wrote... I don't know the... She wrote in her suicide note that he had introduced her

to, like, cocaine, and, like, he, like, gave her, like, herpes or something. And he was apparently, like, a pretty gnarly sexual deviant uh and like cheated on her with prostitutes uh and in her suicide note she was like you introduced me to drugs and mental illness and degradation um and now i have herpes and i used to be a happy person. It's actually not funny. It's actually incredibly sad. And then, like, I think the family took him to court, and he was like, I didn't do any of that stuff,

and then he got away from it because he played in the mask, and everybody loves him. And now he does horrible paintings. Kind of. Yeah. George Bush. Dude, it's awesome when guys are into pieces of shit and then they just start painting fucking doggies and stuff. George Bush killed like half a million people.

Now he just paints like Shih Tzus and whatnot. Yeah. That's okay. I mean, what else is he going to do, I guess? Fuck, dude. I don't really have a problem with the painting itself or the prior actions. Yeah, I mean, I feel like if you are not a good guy, you should definitely not be able to be like, oh, look at this dog I painted.

You know what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense. If you kill half a, Iraqis or whatever. Yeah, Hitler had it right. He did the painting first. If you're going to try to be an artist, you can't really kill a whole fuckton of people and then be like, I think I want to paint a house. It really doesn't track. You got to do the painting first.

I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I'm going to. Okay, we can wrap it up. Thank you, guys. Check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash pandejo time. We've got new clips coming out pretty close to every day nowadays. Check us out on Instagram, pandejo time worldwide.

YouTube, subscribe to the YouTube. Thank you for, we hit like 1100 or whatever. Yeah, thank you guys for that. I do want to say there was a note that I needed to make. If you sub just to get into the Discord and you're not auto-added, I saw some people had unsubbed and were like, hey, and they were putting the Discord. There's a post that's pinned on the top of the Patreon that has a forever link to the Discord.

You can click on that, guys. Some people get auto-added. Some people don't. It's not an issue that I've been able to solve with Patreon support. And every time I try to ask about it, they say, good luck, pal. Yeah, if your Discord email is different from the one you use to sign up for our Patreon, you will not get auto-added. Yeah, you won't get dropped in there. You have to go and click on the link.

It's the very first post. It's hyperlinked in there. go and click on the link it's the very first post uh it's hyperlinked in there so if you're any sort of sub if you are a honcho pendejo john wayne gacy or uh miho for just the discord you want discord access and you do not have it i repeat if you are a subscriber and you do not have it click on the link at the top of the patreon if you do not subscribe go ahead and sub because if everybody who listened to the free ones listened to the paid ones, then I could have some health insurance or something. I don't know.

I probably wouldn't even get it. I'd probably just get a gold grill. Probably get a BBL. All right. Hasta la vista, Pecker Woods. Hasta la vista. See you guys.