Pendejo Time - davius shrimp

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

shrimp so good itllSupport the Show.

I like Tardos. Do you remember that guy? Do you remember him? I don't know what happened to him. I've heard that he committed sins so great that he's not even redeemable in the eyes of the Lord. And that's his story. No one will forgive him for what he's done. People thought he was so cute. He's done things that I don't even want to talk about. He's done things. He grew up to become such a depraved, sick animal that he will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Charlie bit my finger. You know what he's been up to? I don't know.

Fucking depraved acts. I don't believe that. The deepest, darkest pits of a man's soul. The desires that he himself will not even admit to. That is what that guy's been doing. He's been fucking eating ho-hos. He's been fucking eating picante. We used to eat ho-hos, and now we hear ho-ho-ho.

Because we work in Santa's workshop. Mm-hmm. We used to eat Twinkies, and now people want you to thinky about their pronouns. All right. Come on, man. You can't. You know, well, you know what, Jake?

I'm woke. You're not woke. You might be based, but I'm woke. And I was thinking about something the other day, and I want you to consider this possibility. Okay. and I was thinking about something the other day, and I want you to consider this possibility. Okay.

What would you do if you got offered a, let's say you're offered a deal. You know, it's like a shark tank deal, and you're one of the sharks. Okay. And the sharks, it's four sharks in a tank. What are their names? You are one of the, it's like the show Shark Tank. You're one of the sharks.

Okay. LeBron James is one of the sharks. Okay. Michael Jordan is another one. Okay. And then SpongeBob. Me, LeBron, Michael Jordan, and SpongeBob are on Shark Tank. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. And a guy comes up and he says, I've made a basketball you can dribble underwater. Okay. And he's asking for $100,000 for a 5% stake. Mm-hmm. And the basketball's...

But there's one problem, Jake. There's one problem you notice. The basketball is blue. Okay.'s one problem, Jake. There's one problem you notice. The basketball is blue. Okay. Just like water. Okay. So, hypothetically, you ask, what if I'm playing basketball underwater? How do you tell which is the basketball and which is the water if it's all blue?

Mm-hmm. How would you... How do you think he would answer that? Off the jump, I would have to ask, first of all, who's bringing this in? I need a little bit more context on the guy. He's the most famous fish to ever play basketball. You've definitely heard of him.

Okay, he's... His name is Fisherman Dribble. He's the most famous fish to ever play basketball. You've definitely heard of him. Okay. His name is Fisherman Dribble. Fisherman Dribble. Okay. And he's bringing me a blue basketball that can be dribbled underwater. Yeah, just really slow. Okay. And he is the best underwater basketball player?

Is that also part? He's the best. He's the most famous. You would recognize him when he walked in the room. spongebob definitely would because spongebob lives down there so let's just assume for the sake of argument that spongebob's already in and because of their relationship to the sport of on-land basketball michael jordan and lebron james are at the very least teetering on getting in on this so i'm the fish out of water. Yes, but their egos are also at play. Okay. Their egos are at play. They want to be the goat investors.

And Spongebob, he's just happy to be there. But at the same time, he is the king of underwater. I thought that was Neptune, which is a character. No, well, no. In terms of between LeBron, Michael Jordan, and Spongebob, who's the king of underwater? Sure, yes, I understand. But SpongeBob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And between you also, you're also a judge, but you are neither a basketball player nor, and you don't live underwater. If it was underwater drums or underwater guitar or underwater comedy, it would be between you and SpongeBob, but SpongeBob might win with underwater comedy

because he's one of the most famous underwater comedians of all time. That's true. I really just feel as though maybe I'm kind of like Mr. Wonderful in this situation where I don't have any personal or cultural connection to any of the products. I just have a lot of money

and I have a lot of sass and attitude and I'm a proud entrepreneur. I probably want to know, you know, what kind of eyeballs are we getting in underwater basketball? What kind of people are attending? What kind of, what are the, what does the fan base look like? How much money is this bringing in? You know, there's a lot of people giving a side eye underwater.

You know what i mean um because of the way the fish's heads are shaped a lot of the time but you know just because they're giving a side eye doesn't mean they're aren't going to turn around and look at it with the other side sure so we're looking to get a lot of eyeballs on this over the course of the next 200, 300 generations. Because fish generations are very fast. Yeah, okay. Okay, so within the next... But we're looking at potentially 100 billion pounds of eyeballs. Okay.

That's how fish are measured. Okay. Depending on how big the fish are, they look at it. Grouper and sunfish eyes probably would weigh quite a bit. Yeah, yeah. I don't think, look, I think I'm going to let... If you get a blue whale to look at it, it would really increase the weight of the eyeball situation.

Yeah, because they weigh a lot. But that's not a fish. It's a mammal. I guess where I'm at now is I think... Did you know that the blue whale is the largest blue mammal? Yeah, that would make sense. What's the other... I guess a bird isn't a mammal.

It's a bird. It's an avian. Yeah, it's an avian. Yeah, it's like a reptile or something. Nope, I think avians are in their own category, right? No, birds used to be reptiles. Birds used to be dinosaurs. Right.

Due to the feathers. Because a bird has lizard scales, then that makes it a reptile. Did you know that the T-Rex grew to be over 6 feet tall? Yeah, I remember reading that somewhere It could be even over 10 feet tall It could weigh at least to 200 pounds You ever seen a dinosaur skeleton in real life? Whenever I was a kid, I used to always hope I'd find a dinosaur skeleton

So I could make a fuck ton of money Same And now, I mean, sometimes working construction, I'll see, like, big-ass shells and stuff, you know what I mean, in the rocks, and I'll think, there probably are dinosaurs down here, but we're just building shitty houses on top of them.

It's kind of, that speaks to a larger fantasy I used to have. That is, that's true. I mean, I live not far from Glen Rose where like there's a fossil rim and stuff like there's dinosaur footprints in the river.

Mm-hmm. Like there are dinosaur remains here. There's shit out here in the whole country too. And we just have, just have shitty houses on them. I mean,

what are you going to do though? Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like going, okay. You know, what are you going to do, though? Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like, okay. You know? You're not going to, like, not build a housing development. They're not very space efficient, really.

They're very space efficient in the ground. Once you get them out, they're so tall that if you want to have it in a building, it's got to be a tall building, Jake, and that's a big reason why science buildings are so tall. I guess my thing with that is... Just a theory.

When you're a kid with not a lot of money and not a lot of, like... Like, you don't understand conceptually what your future looks like, which I don't know how many children or young teenagers even do, but I think if you don't have a lot of money, you definitely don't.

I used to have fantasies of just, like't have a lot of money, you definitely don't. I used to have fantasies of just, like, finding a lot of money in a brown paper bag on the ground. Like, I thought that was really the only way that it was ever going to, like. You know, like, same with dinosaur bones. I used to think about that all the time. Like, I would dig a two-inch hole at my babysitter. Or, like, I had, like, a. Like, I went to one of those illegal daycares, which was just kind of like a lady's house with like 13,

like bad-ass little kids running around. And, uh, I was one of them and I would do, I remember digging in her yard, fucking her yard up and being like, dude, I'm going to find a dinosaur bone.

And then me and my family are going to have a million dollars, which like, I don't even know if you can get money for that like it's not like treasure i mean i know that the museum uh i think you i think you uh if you have something like uh well also if you extract it yourself there's a good chance you're gonna fuck it up yeah 100 especially if you're a child and you have like you're playing with like tonka trunk bullshit me as an adult man i like, fuck up a dinosaur body for sure. Yeah, no doubt in my mind.

With my luck, I would find a fully intact dinosaur body, dig it up, and then, like, forget to call. And then it would just rot away to the skeleton. Like, they'd be like, yeah, this is a regular skeleton. What do you mean? I'd be like, no, like, a couple weeks ago, this was like the birds had been eating it and stuff. But, like, this was, was like a fully intact body. We used to go to Galveston. I like every single time.

This is Galveston. All right. This isn't like, I don't know, like an unexplored part of the world. You know, this is a very, very explored, very inhabited part of the world. Every time I went to Galveston i would have like i would be so certain that i was going to find a treasure chest with like gold doubloons in it and shit and like red rubies and like big ass coins and stuff and like a crown and uh it's galveston you're way more likely to find like a needle or like a guy's leg or like uh like a pack

of cigarettes that are wet you know what i mean like uh or like a wedding's leg, or like a pack of cigarettes that are wet. You know what I mean? Or like a wedding ring that someone threw off, but then you've come to find out that the wedding ring is fake. It's not worth anything, or maybe it's made out of die-cast metal. But dude, I'd be in the back of my dad's 4Runner just fingers crossed. When I get to Galveston, I'm going to dig with my little plastic shovel and I'm going to find a treasure chest, dude. And it's going to change the way we live.

It's going to change the way we eat. It's going to change the way that I dress. Yeah, I used to just know that when I got older, I would get rich off killing people. You thought that would be like a path that you could go down? I thought you got paid a lot. Same, yeah. Like for a hitman? I thought you, you know...

Well, I thought you had to do it a lot. I knew that if you're a good man, when you get older, people attack you all the time and you gotta kill them. Okay, I see what you mean. After you kill the bad guy, and you what you mean after you kill the bad guy and you don't even want to kill the bad guy but you have to right right bad guy at least a few times a day probably um they get uh you get paid a lot of money maybe ten thousand

dollars every time you kill the bad guy and then you do that every day okay we're looking at some big money that's over 3.6 million dollars million a year just off killing one bad guy a day. Who keeps respawning in front of your house, yeah. Yes, and when you kill him, there's nothing ambiguous about it. He's 100% bad. So you don't have to feel bad about it at all. He doesn't have a family or anything. Yeah, he's only...

He's been evil since he was born. Yeah. And he doesn't really bleed or anything, and he doesn't look... He doesn't look... Like, when he dies, he doesn't look sorrowful or anything. He just goes, ah, and he grunts.

Yeah, he doesn't look scared. And he disappears. Yeah, he doesn't, like, throw up or beg for his life or anything. No, he doesn't call out his mother's name or anything, he just goes, ah, and he grunts. Yeah, he doesn't look scared. Yeah, he doesn't throw up or beg for his life or anything. No, he doesn't call out his mother's name or anything. Yeah, he doesn't say, we can stop, we can stop, you can stop this, you don't have to do, yeah. You just turn around and you go,

bye-bye, motherfucker. And then you shoot him away. I also thought after you killed a bad guy, you could just leave. Yeah, dude, I did. In also thought after you killed a bad guy, you could just leave. Yeah. Dude, I – In movies, when they kill a bad guy, they leave. They just get to leave. And they leave at a leisurely pace.

Yeah, yeah. There's no paperwork involved with killing a man. Right. In movies. I thought if you got in a fight at the store and you killed the guy, they would have you put your groceries in the car and go home yes same dude i was i remember when my uncle when i was really little he would he took me to the shooting range and he was like a big like stand your ground guy he still is and uh i very much remember he him describing in like a texas red like inbred, you know, retarded way like, yeah, so

if somebody breaks into your house and you shoot him, cops shrug their shoulders, they take the body home. And then you, that's it. And I was like, oh. And then I believed that up until I was like a teenager. I'm the same as you. I was like, oh, if I fight a guy

and I knock him out and he dies, the cops show up and go, OK, did you start it? And you go, nope. And they go, we don't need any further evidence or questions. You have a good day, sir. And then they just throw his fucking lifeless corpse into the back of the cop car and then you get a reward. I thought that, too. Like, I thought that if you did a just thing, then the city would maybe pay you like, yeah, like five hundred thousand dollars.

I don't know where I got any of this, maybe video games or something. I just, yeah, I was like, okay, self-defense is pretty cut and dry. It's black and white. If you didn't start it, then you can cut a guy's head off of his body and the cops let you go to your house later or stay at your house if it happened at your home. And they give you like a half a million dollars for like doing the right thing turns out it's not that way like at all yeah did you believe but we sorry go ahead no i was uh i went but and then um

i didn't have anything else to say i was just gonna try and figure something out so you go ahead with what you were gonna say when we were in were in Sunday school, not Sunday school, this was youth group. This was like a little bit more adult and like all of the happy songs went away. At least at my church, Sunday school was like, the devil's a bad guy, the devil's a bad guy. Jesus saves, Jesus saves, holly holly hi. That was until you were about 12.

And then you go to youth group and that's when they started introducing a little bit of the fire and brimstone. and they made us read this short story that was also like a play i think because i remember one uh several times like kids would act it out but um i believe like as a kid that like you could be killed for being christian like i remember because in the short stories there would be this guy that was like a mass shooter, right? And he would lie in this like short story slash play or whatever that they would have us read. They would line up a bunch of people and the guy with the gun would ask people like, are you a Christian?

And then the guy that somebody would go, yes, and he would blow their brains out. And he would go over to the next guy and go, are you a Christian? And then the guy would go, no. And then he would just like shoot him in their knee and then he would do that down the line until the last person was this young man and the guy was like i'm a christian and he goes if you say right now that you don't love god i won't kill you and then the guy goes i will never renounce my love for jesus christ and then the story ends with the guy dying um and i remember believing two things or understanding two things about that story one people, people want to kill Christians all the time.

And that worried me, at least when I was a little kid before I kind of like stopped believing in God too. If that happened to me, I would say, I don't believe in God. It seems pretty easy. Like it seems super simple. Like didn't Jesus forgive Peter or whoever the fuck he was like, you're going to double cross me, but it's chill. I understand. It's not a big deal. Or was that Paul? I don't remember. But yeah, I believe that was, I was like, yeah,

people want to shoot Christians in the head. And also I would just straight up be like, no, dude, I don't. I'm trying to live. I don't really care to go up and see the guy. I would have such bad hearing loss by that time. I wouldn't be able to answer the question yeah just an ar-15 closed off room and i'm in a closed off room and nine gunshots just went off right next to my head he gets to me and he just goes it's like the teacher from charlie brown yeah i'm like i believe in god. I'm about to believe it.

You become like deaf mute. Like your voice gets fucked up somehow too. Yeah. They have a concussion from all the fucking, yeah, air pressure. I will. You're like, I believe in God. But you're saying it so fucked up. He's like, I don't think I'm going to kill you.

I feel weird about this now. You can go. He gets to you and I was like he's like you did not talk like that you were begging normally for your life and now I get to you and you're like Hey, listen, man. If you're pretending to be retarded, you're not going to get to heaven. So I'm assuming you're an atheist. So I'm only going to shoot you in the leg. Are you pretending to be both dumb and fat Albert? What?

No. What? No. Are you Satchmo? Fat Albert. Pray, pray, pray, pray. That's Christian Fat Albert. How about that?

Yeah, there we go. Yeah, that's Pius Albert. Yeah. Yeah, that was the thing. That was, yeah. I also, to the hitman thing, yeah, I thought those guys made a fuck ton of money. I think I've joked about that on here probably a bunch of times but i really thought it's okay i really thought guys in the mafia made like a million dollars for killing one guy one time we should just like

fucking the most it would be the most work we ever did for a podcast but we should copy word for word the episode we did uh two years ago before oh okay no like like we do the same episode twice in a row but the second time it's scripted and we have to make the same jokes and everything same timing yeah doom is slightly yeah the timing would probably end up better the second time maybe because there would be some thought put into it yeah but um you know a lot of people think that this is all scripted, but actually a lot of the time, and I know this is hard to believe, a lot of the time I start forgetting the English language as I speak.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But thankfully we only do this for, you know, about 130 or so hours a year, you know, so. Yeah. So it never, nothing ever gets retold. Yeah, I really thought that, like, I guess until I kind of, like, started questioning God more. But I, like, straight up thought that... Wow. I really thought that it was like...

At any moment, you could die for being... Which in Texas in the early 2000s, it was still the Bush years. So a Christian guy from Texas was a pretty decent loadout. You can get killed for being a Christian in some parts of the Middle East maybe. Yeah, but not in Pas but not like maybe in fucking

malaysia or something but you're probably okay in um south houston and yeah in uh the the frisco area i would say you're probably not going to get killed um you can probably get killed for being Muslim in some parts of Texas. Historically, people have been killed for being black here, and that is not cool, but it has happened. If I got killed for something, I would probably get killed due to my charisma, or maybe they would see me counting money, and they'd think, that's too much money for one guy to have in his wallet. And they would say, sir, do you have a permit for your wallet to be that big, or your stacks to be that long, or for your bankroll to be that spread, or for your whip to be that nice,

for your girl to be that bad, for your shoes to be that clean, for your haircut to be that nice. For your girl to be that bad. For your shoes to be that clean. For your haircut to be that recent. For your beard to be that full. For your clothes to fit normal. And I'd say, oops, my bad. And they'd throw my ass right in the clink. Yeah, they'd kill you and throw you in jail. Yeah, they'd kill me and kill my white ass and throw me in jail.

Terror county jail, yeah. Yeah. I think there was probably a time in my life where I was like, I got to believe in God or I'm going to get shot by a crazed lunatic. Yeah, and then freaking Donald Trump came around. And then Donald Trump came around to let... And then we realized, damn, what if the crazed lunatic was in office the whole time? The whole time.

What if a crazy orange bastard got his fucking... Sort of a little bit foreshadowing for the screenplay we're writing about. Called Crazy Orange Bastard. We're writing like an A24 style like like really bizarrely lit uh dramedy called crazy orange bastard where it's kind of like a coming of age story for a young hungry donald trump who came really from not a lot of money you know and uh and how he became to be sort of like the sort of extremely powerful, charismatic guy he is today. Yeah, and then it's got like a parallel story running

where it's Hillary Clinton's really inspiring story of, you know, all the things she did. I know so much about her life, like it's hard for me to even talk about it, really. I just remember her calling Brock like a Muslim or something and then being like like she was like a goldwater um campaigner well he was a muslim and he converted because america is so goddamn good yeah i love it when if i uh-huh i wish we had a muslim president i think donald trump is the closest thing we'll get yeah he doesn't drink um he has a lot of sex with a lot of eastern block women which guys from saudi arabia like We had a Muslim president. I think Donald Trump is the closest thing we'll get. Yeah, he doesn't drink.

He has a lot of sex with a lot of Eastern Bloc women, which guys from Saudi Arabia like to do that. He still thinks escalades are cool. Yeah, he likes tiger-printed things and gold things. You know, just kind of like gaudy. Like a child's idea of what a rich guy would buy. That is like guys from the UAE and then Donald Trump. Like a tiger. He has a bunch of sons he's horny for.

Yeah, one he wants to kill that has his name. Dude, his gay little dance is awesome. I love that he won't stop doing it. And I love that he does the dance and he's been able to like hold on to this position of like tough, brash, cock swagger fucking masculinity

and he has the gayest little dance of all time and he loves to do it. He will do it after saying that a bunch of people died in like a really bad bombing and then people will cheer and he'll do his gay little dance.

Well, you know what? A powerful man should be able to let loose. If there's one thing that Bill Clinton taught us, it's that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I just like to

hang a little loose. I like to do a little canoodling. You know, when you can't get it at home you gotta get it somewhere else baby I think they made him play the saxophone so much

because so much shit was about to drop about that motherfucker I think that might be a Cat Williams joke maybe I don't know sounds familiar

my brain just yeah that's always possible I think my brain just produced it but I think that may have been a Cat Williams bit sorry Cat I know you're a big fan of the show I don't want to bite your stuff

yeah Bill Clinton is like yeah Bill Clinton is like the type of dude you only see in Atlanta you know what I mean I'm trying to come up with Cat Williams jokes where he's just like man like like shit like this like this shit you only see in in tallahassee yeah bill clint one of the white he one of them white boys you only see on the north side of chicago you know what i mean it

like just doesn't i don't understand it but everybody in the audience seems to really fundamentally understand what he's saying. I think maybe he... I wonder what was the first time... Ain't no motherfucking place like the Lolita Express. I'ma tell you that. Ain't no motherfucking place like the Lolita Express. And I said it before, I'll say it again. Ain't no motherfucking place like the Lolita Express.

They got bitches everywhere They got champagne They got Alan Dershowitz They got Mimosas They got the guy who made the Simpsons They got everybody They got the brother from Rush Hour

They got Bruce Lee Whatever his name is um i wonder what what was for bill's first foray into the dark arts into the no-no stuff like what was his like because i remember my first time doing. Probably marrying a lesbian. Let's go. Yeah, marrying a suit-panded lesbian was probably his first. No, I just, like, you remember your first time trying a hard drug. I wonder what the first time Bill was like, I think maybe I might be a,

like, I might be an evil motherfucker. You know what I mean? Just the first, you know. Like Epstein, his aura radiates that he was born that way. But when I look at Bill Clinton, I just see a fucking southern lawyer type who maybe just his heart got bent up by men with bad intentions. You know what I mean? Maybe that's my southern, you know, sensibility seeing.

Where is Bill Clinton from? Like Virginia or something? He's from Arkansas, brother. Arkansas? Oh, yeah. He was a governor. Silly me. my southern you know sensibility seeing where is bill clinton from like virginia arkansas brother arkansas oh yeah he was a governor silly me yeah yeah clinton i mean there's just not much else to do out there other than be a pedophile yeah be a pedophile join a bluegrass band drink make moonshine Grass Band. Make Moonshine. Make Moonshine. Be a Pedophile.

Agriculture. What else they got out there? Rodeo. They got a pretty good rodeo scene out there. Rodeo. Homesteading. Barbecue's not too bad in Arkansas. Barbecue. They got fucking good-ass college football.

Do they? Yeah, the Razorbacks, right? I don't fucking watch football. Maybe. Well, I don't mean they're always, they're not always the best, I don't think, but they're very into football. Okay. I don't, you know, if you are a big college football guy and you heard me say that and it was something stupid. That's okay. Yes.

Somebody. You win. But I know a lot of people up there are really into the Razorbacks. And if you're not and if you say, oh, we're actually

into Arkansas. What is the difference? The horseshoes. I don't fucking care. Yeah. You can have your shithole state. Texas sucks too.

It's not better. Drop a nuke on all of us. Yeah. And in my fucking misery, so I don't have to know about the Big 12 or the fucking... Big 10 or the fucking SEC conference. SEC, more like sucking every cock. Yeah. You know what I mean?

A hundred percent, man. How about that? And there's nothing wrong with that either. How about screwed up? Click. 100% man and there's nothing wrong with that either so don't quit being fucking homophobic in our replies just cause old Jake here is growing his hair out again come on

screwed app click and they're gay and big zero and big mother like you say up with a little bit of fucking screwed app click like E with an E the way a gay Like you say up with a little bit of fucking. Oh. Screwed up click like E with an E the way that a gay guy would say up. You know, yeah, we used to listen to screwed up click.

And now people will boot up and click on their computers. Yeah. We used to listen to South Side We roll on choppers and now we watch Big Mouth inside and I have to

shit hold on and we say all coppers are bad. There we go. There we go. We used to rep Swisher House, and now after we rest, we click a mouse. Used to be 25 lighters on my dresser, yes sir, and now it's 25 genders.

I'm on Tinder. thank you okay that works you know we used to listen to paul wall and now we make phone calls that's that we paul wall and now we make phone calls yep that's awesome stuff we use um mike jones now i'm on my phone yeah mike jones now i'm on my phone that'll be good uh let's see what else we got uh uh there used to be slim thug and now it's he him bug and he's uh not doing good health-wise uh i know, we used to bump Fat Pat, and now we have Snapchat. Very good. We used to listen to Big Mo,

and now we have to look at Big Phone There we go Yeah Yeah we used to have South Park Mexican And now We watch South Park

And we're texting Them Texting Cartman And you know All the guys Yeah I'm texting South Park right now yeah we used to I just got a snapchat from South Park they are so funny

just like just like just being just your like just being completely insane at a house party I just I got a snapchat from South Park they're so awesome dude I got a I was facetiming with uh with Peter Griffin from Family Guy the other day and he was so down to earth yeah I was um I was on a Skype call with Darth Vader and he was just so like you'd think he'd be really intense but he was actually a really nice guy with a really good heart that's awesome I was listening to the uh i i was in a meeting with the avengers the other day and they were woke but it was amazing just a guy like a guy who never grew out of like the kid lying phase like my uncle owns nintendo it's like a 38 year old man being like yeah i was hanging out with uh wakanda black panther and he was saying that i'm probably the coolest white guy he knows personally

And to hood I got in a car accident the other day and you're not gonna believe who the other guy was it His plankton he was so mad. He's really I bet he didn't have insurance. He was villainous Yeah, he was yeah, no and he tried to say that his robot wife was driving I said you still need the damn insurance, you fool. What a load of nuts. It's like slowly sipping a shiner and you're peeling all of the wrapper off the beer real violently. Oh, so you're in a car crash with

Plankton from Spongebob? Yeah. This was before he did Spongebob, though. He crash with Plankton from SpongeBob? Yeah. This was before he did SpongeBob, though. He was just Plankton at the time. Okay. He wasn't famous. I lived in Bikini Bottom, but this was like 2014. This was before the show came out.

Hey, you're squeezing that beer can really tightly, man. Are you okay? There's beer coming out. Yeah. No, there's beer coming out. Yeah. No, there's beer coming out of it, and that's why I'm going to put it back in after. But, yeah, it was awesome. It was a great experience. I'd always wanted to get in a car wreck, and I'm so glad I could do it with Plankton and his wife. So his wife was in the car.

He wasn't telling us. He tried to say his damn wife was driving. I said she was in the car. He wasn't telling us. He tried to say his damn wife was driving. I said she was in the passenger seat. Oh, a passenger seat driver? What is it, a JDM import? What are you driving, a right-hand drive Mitsubishi Montero or something? Get the fuck out of here, Plankton, you piece of asshole shit. Hey, guys, this is my buddy Thomas.

He just got a very serious brain injury just last night, but he doesn't like to go to the doctor. Tell him. Yeah, and I do like to drink after brain injuries. I love part of my brain coming out of the top of my head. My doctor said I need to drink a lot now that I have a brain injury. I'm trying to start. This is my first time drinking.

This is my first time getting drunk and angry after a very bad brain injury. So I hope that you guys are comfortable with me being here. This is a really relaxing setting for me. The music is loud. There's fog machines and a lot of people here. I was hoping. I wanted to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone at all oh i thought you said you knew the owner of the house no i i'm a liar no i was saying i knew the owner of plankton's house because i got in a car wreck

with him oops i thought you meant we were going to plankton's house i knew it seemed too dry in here Because he lives under the ocean Yeah, yeah, yeah He's also like a little piece He's like a single cell Organism Have you ever met a guy who refers He's a plankton, isn't he? Yeah, he's a plankton, right?

They're a single cell They're multicellular Am I an idiot, bro? Is a plankton like a shrimp? Yeah, I think so. Fuck. What am I thinking of? It's like a tiny, tiny shrimp.

Yeah, it's like a little bug-type critter. Okay, I'm an idiot. Yeah, but they're like... I think they got a few cells. Oh, okay, like maybe like 100? It's probably not a crazy amount. Like 50 or something? Okay, I'm an idiot.

I remember thinking that whales had cells in them the size of a tennis ball. Yeah, same. I thought that their DNA was like the helix, and it was like the size of a bicycle frame. You know what I mean? Just like... I feel like I had a teacher who told me they had really big DNA. That doesn't make sense at all. Right.

Yeah. No, same. No, it doesn't. It makes no sense, but I thought the same thing. I thought everything about a whale was just scaled up 100x yeah why would they have a giant molecule right right right i i thought that like that you know like you have rods and cones in your eyes i remember thinking like when we were on about sperm whales and blue whales i was like oh they have like they have like a piece of rebar and like that's what it is like in their in their eyeball. Like, helps them, like, see. It's so stupid, dude.

That's that fucking education system for you, man. Deep south, baby. Bro, can you show everybody your big-ass cell again? Yo, this is my buddy. He's doing a crazy party trick. He has one cell. It's the size of... It's a big molecule, and it's the size of a tennis ball.

Bro, you know I don't like to show people the cell. You know that it makes me super uncomfortable dude show them the cell dude at least show them the uh the mitochondria fine here's my mitochondria it's the size of a rat well is that so are those it's cool you just have one Yeah the other ones Are normal sized This one was Oh okay I got born with a big one Yeah

Oh man Yeah Man I'm fucking I was I'm still Wait is that a cell You have a cell wall Dude I think this guy

Can photosynthesize Yeah Oh I have to go outside and i said i could breathe carbon dioxide and then i exhale oxygen everybody my dad was a fern he's like holy shit thomas have you did you take freshman um biology and i'm like, yeah, 2014, 2015, baby. I'm educated in ways that a lot of people never saw coming. And that is what has led to my astronomical rise to the top of the comedy world. That is why I'm looking down on everybody right now because of my knowledge.

Our science teacher in freshman year quit halfway through the year because the class terrorized her so much. Yeah, you were probably giving her crazy back shots. No, she's very frail. She's probably, no, her feet probably hurt because you were sucking the skin off. Nope. No, I wasn't doing anything crazy like that. I heard you sucked off all her toenails so she couldn't wear regular shoes anymore. Yeah, it made her really mentally unstable.

Yeah. Yeah, she had to get a C-section done to get all the sperms out of her. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's pretty true. Yeah, I was 100% on the money there. Oh, my God. Did you hear your cousin's having a C-section? Yeah, there's so many sperms in there.

At like a family dinner. We're so happy to hear about your sperms. Thomas, hey, man, you moved to New York, dude. Like a cousin you barely see. That's awesome. I heard the podcast. I think your dad was saying you guys are not doing too bad uh you should tell a joke man tell a tell a joke i know you don't want to i know it's embarrassing but we just yeah just one

joke come on come on buddy okay i can i can do one okay yeah okay everybody thomas is gonna tell jokes everybody bring the kids in bring the kids in bring the kids in yeah Bring the kids in. Bring the kids in. Yeah, so my cousin just had a C-section. Apparently my sperms were too big to get out of her. Are you talking about my wife, man? Hold on a second. Put the kids in the other room. Are you talking about my wife, man? You told me to tell a joke.

I'm not allowed to do comedy anymore? I didn't know this was a woke wedding. This is just normal. Do you want me to tell a different joke? I think the kids would really like to hear a kid-friendly joke, and please don't joke about my wife like that, okay? So let's just try this again. Come on, everybody.

Come on. Uncle Thomas. So I've got this. Okay. He's got a great joke. Come on. Uncle Thomas. So I've got this. Okay. He's got a great joke. Come on, Uncle Thomas. My nephew's mom just spat out a horrible system out of her throat, and it was caused by the huge sperm I left in there from my load.

Isn't that horrible? And that pisses me off because that's not woke. But yeah. So check please. Hold on a second man. Your nephew's sister.

Mom. Your nephew's mom. That's your sister. And you. Nope. And you. Your nephew's mom. That's your sister. Nope. And you. My nephew's mom is my cousin. Okay. That makes it a little better, I guess. But the joke is that.

I thought a nephew's mom would be a cousin. But I do understand now that I think about it that a nephew's mom would not be a cousin. So it would be a different person than the first joke. Unrelated to you. Right. But comedy is hard. Sometimes you have to find your foot. So everybody, Uncle Thomas is still working on his jokes.

So everybody, but listen, Uncle Thomas is going to be his jokes. So everybody. But listen, Uncle Thomas is going to be a famous guy. Okay? Him and his buddies, they have a show. It's a no-no show. So we don't get to listen to it. But Uncle Thomas likes to come and tell us jokes. I have another joke.

I don't. Okay. So my dog died this weekend Turns out it's allergic to grown up sperms Uncle Thomas? Yes What's a sperm? A sperm is what happens When a man and his stomach fall in love,

and he wants to show his stomach how much he loves it. So he gives it a gift, and then he wipes it off and goes to bed. Oh. Yes, son, that's okay. And you used to be a sperm. Really? Yes son that's okay And you used to be a sperm Really And yes all boys used to be a sperm And all girls used to be an egg

Listen hey Don't tell my son stuff like that Now he's in a confusing mood And your mom laid an egg And you hatched out of it I was in mommy's tummy I didn't come out of an egg You were in her...

I could talk about where creatures that lay eggs keep the egg in the first place, and I know where that is. And that's where you came out of. The cloaca or something. Cloaca. Yeah. Listen, man, I think we're probably... Thomas, it's good to fucking see you, man. I kind of remember thomas it's good to fucking see you man i kind of

remember why it's been awesome to see you um so i've got a show on monday morning at 9 30 um it's gonna be at the the apple bees in anchorage alaska if you guys already i found your credit cards and i went ahead and bought you guys tickets to it the The tickets are $100 each and it's a 10-minute show. And so I got you guys 100 tickets and I hope you like it. Listen, man. You guys just bring 100 people, please, because the venue seat is 150. So I figure if I sell 50, I bought you guys 100. So just find 98 people for me in Anchorage.

Yeah, this is kind of why we don't bring you to two things. I'm sorry to say, man. I mean, between this and getting into a car crash with Plankton, I don't really think it's safe for you to be around the kids. I know that hurts um but not at all yeah i don't really think about your kids man i don't care about them at all to be honest man i i kind of hate them you became much i've always wondered i feel like and i don't mean this in a bad way i feel like you might be a bad father because your children are so much

smaller than you your kids need to be ten times the size of you to be healthy. If you're a buck 80, you need to have an 1,800-pound son. It's just natural. You know what I mean? Imagine having a tiny-ass baby, and you're just palming it in the waiting room, like dribbling it and stuff. They had to call me early because I was fatter than fuck already i was actually born a month

early you're a girthy i was nine pounds nine ounces oh and nice that's a that's around where i was um i was late too though you remember when uh will senate when i told him that that's how much i weighed and he was like dude if if i was your dad i would have made your life hell but you'd have been a great linebacker. He was just like, dude, you would have not enjoyed your childhood at all and you would not have had one, but you would have been a good, good athlete. I'm like, I was like, thanks, man. I don't know. I know he was kidding, but there was like, he gets that twinkle in his eye.

So I was talking about sports and I was like, I know that you're kidding. And we were just my friend from the computer, but I also feel like you're not at all so I respect he's a beast yeah he's so god damn funny oh man yeah I don't could you not compliment

other people on our show it really makes me insecure I don't give a fuck dude when you bring up other guys on here and talk about other comics yeah I know it really bothers you when I'm like, yeah, I really liked

Nick's special and you were like, really? Oh, Nick's special now. Okay. I thought I was special. Yeah, it was cool running into Shane the other day. Oh, yeah, you remembered that conversation, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, you ran into me a couple months ago. I guess you don't remember that. Oh. Okay. Oh, you're hanging out with your brother. Okay. I have brothers. You never hang out with them.

Which one of your brothers do you think it would be the weirdest for me to interact with? You think the middle one? I think at this point, I only have two. I'm the middle one. Oh, I'm talking. Okay, so yeah, I guess the older one. That's right. I think it would be fine for both of them now.

Okay. Yeah, I have good relationships. No, I wasn't saying because you don't have. I'm saying just who I am as a person and who what we do um i think i i think it might i don't know it's an interesting question i think it might throw off my younger brother a little bit more not that he wouldn't be prepared for it just because but just because i don't know that he's met uh a person like you yet okay in his life you know what i mean what uh what is no elaborate i don't mean that in a negative way no i know i know what you mean i i know but he hasn't gone off to college okay okay so it might be a little bit of

like a culture shock to some degree yeah a little bit yeah um i'm i could like a whole whole different whole different type of white trash ah i see what you mean you know yeah yeah no 100 is it's sort of regional and you're from a different region. It is. And so the Houston Metroplex white trash is different from the... It's a little swampy. It's a little bit more swampy. Yeah, it's a little bit more... Up here, it's more... It's more...

Highfalutin, but still trashy. Well, I mean, it's more of a... It's more like King of the Hill in a way. Yeah, that's kind of what I mean. Yeah, yeah. A little drier. Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of beautiful dead silence up here. Yeah, that's, yes. A lot of beautiful dead silence. Not in my family. There's a lot of... My family, we like to hang out and not say a word. Yeah, I got that. You know, I've come to realize about myself, and I't like it that I'm not good in silence because my family at the house growing up and now my mom and my dad, they didn't either of them know how to shut the fuck up ever.

Something's wrong if people aren't talking and I'm that way. So whenever I hang out with somebody who's just like, like comfortable and quiet, sometimes you, like I know in our interactions, like we'll be in a car and like, it's just dead, dead quiet. And I, because it's just instinctual, like I don't even think about doing it. I'm like, dude, it's cold sometimes outside. And you're like, and I'm like, yeah. And the radio was invented and I'm like, yeah. Uh, and the radio was invented and they put them in cars too.

And you're like, I just, sometimes I feel like, like when we're, sometimes when we're like on long drives, I kind of feel like, uh, like a kid that like you met,

you married a lady who had one and I'm the kid, I'm the kid in the passenger seat. And I like, I'm, we're both trying to get to know each other, but we don't want anything to do with each other. I'm about 10 or 11. We're on the way to Cabela's,

and you're looking to get a new grip for your gun, and I'm like, when they had baseball, they used to have to wear a different type of shoe, and you're like, mm. And then you turn up the fucking you turn up the johnny paycheck just a little louder and i'm like and when they had that shoe on they ran fast and that's just me like i can't help it like dude my own fiance if she like doesn't say a word for to me for like eight minutes i'm like dude dude, if you hate me, it's cool. We can figure it.

It's all right. It's just my brain. I'm just one of those guys. No, I'll do that sometimes if my girlfriend is working on her laptop. Dude, I'm bad about that. Really bad. And she is not ignoring me. She's just busy.

She just needs to get an email sent or something. And I go, hey, what you doing? You working? She goes, yep, just getting some work done. I go, that's cool. Is it going well? Yep, pretty. It's going just fine.

Nice. Thinking about leaving me, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, did you see the – I sent you something on Instagram a couple seconds ago. She's like, cool. Yeah, it was a – I'll just describe the video to you. It'll take me about half an hour, and then whenever you open it, it won't be funny. But I'll describe a video I sent you on Instagram.

Yeah. And then after that, you'll close your laptop and stop working, and then you'll say, whoa, you're so funny for seeing a video and sending it to me. And then I'll go, yeah, I am. And you should quit your job that makes way more money than me. And instead of working on the laptop for 30 minutes, we should go to a fancy restaurant.

How about that? Just treating both of our significant others like just... Ashley will be working on her laptop at the bar. And yeah, same thing. She'll be like doing school. Like a thing that she's doing to have a career she wants to have or, you know, whatever. And I'm like, hey, what's up to? She's like working.

And I'm like, the way that you said that left an emptiness in my heart. It's not on you. It is on me. And sort of the way. So you're working on working on fun. You're working on finding a new cooler version of me. Like this. You look and she's Googled. she's googled new different new fiance that doesn't ask me questions while i'm doing homework yeah yeah i fucking and i know that it bothers it bothers people who don't

i think to your point about your younger brother to people who don't like aren't that way, they're not wired that way. Like the way that they're wired is just quiet. Like. It's bad for me. Because I just can't I can't shut up. I have to like I have to constantly be like talking about something. Ashley's dad's kind of like that. He'll be like, well, I'm like I'm like yeah yeah I used to have a little

dog too I had a dog it died but that was 20 years ago which makes sense because you know just the nature of the dog he'll be like yeah bud light in the fridge yeah bud lights a beer and the can is blue and the can's's blue. And they had a lady. It really caused a lot of stir for them. If we're talking about guitars, it's all cool. If we're talking about Iron Maiden, it's always cool. I guess, like I said, I can't just be quiet. And I think it's a thing that as I get older, I'm trying to force it.

You know what I mean? But it makes me so uncomfortable. me nuts yeah i'm bad at talking on the phone sometimes like uh i hate talking on the fucking phone dude i prefer to texting i've gotten to where i really but you know understand there's a there's context for when a phone call is more efficient but i have friends i just say that i don't that I can't like not talk. But people who talk too much on the phone is I'm like, I'm also one of those people. Maybe. Yeah, I agree.

But sometimes sometimes I get on the phone and I kind of forget English and I'll just kind of I like creating dead silence on a phone call because it's it's unnecessary but it's wasting everybody's time really um i know sometimes when we're talking we're trying to relay important information to each other that towards the end of the phone call i'll be like yeah so if you could just yeah if you could send that to me and you're like i send it and i'm like yeah send the file over and then I'll I'll make the mock-up of the shirt the shirt it's not all the time but I know that like both of us know the conversation is coming to an end and we're trying to like um relay that to each other with the tone of our voice yeah so I'll send the file over and then you and then but I I guess I'm trying to wrap

it up and the way that I wrap up conversations is through the cadence and lilt of the tone of my voice. And you, I've noticed sometimes you'll just repeat a word that I said typically at the end of the sentence. Yeah, the mock-up for the shirt will be fine, and then what I'll do is I'll send that to you, and then you sign off on it, and then I'll get it, and I'll package them. I'll send the packages. Yep, okay. And then if you could Get me the Shopify info Log in And then that

Will pretty much be it Log into it Alright And then you know Then we just Alright see you later man Okay see you Alright bye

Edgar had this thing You met Ed He had this thing Like the first We were roommates Our freshman year of college And then obviously We've stayed friends

And I've been friends with him For 12 years now For like the first Dude I'm not even kidding we actually just stopped doing this maybe this year he would not talk on the phone with me longer than a minute because he thought it was gay for two men to be on the phone with each other for longer than a minute and I know that sounds made up and like a joke and I know that to him it was a little bit of a joke maybe 60% of joke but 40% of it was was real because we would be talking and he would be relaying a really important information to me.

He'd be like, yeah, I got to put a new transmission in the fucking Camaro, man. I'm like, damn. I was like, why don't you just part it out?

He's like, ah, it's sentimental. It was the first car I bought when I started making money. I have good money. I make good money. Fuck it. You know,

my mom wants me to keep it so I could maybe pass it down. I was like, oh, that's cool, man. Are you going to get as like a daily driver? Yeah, mom wants me to keep it so i could maybe pass it down i was like oh that's cool man are you gonna get us like a daily driver yeah i'm gonna get a day and i think the call dropped and he hung up and then he'll text me we were on the phone for a minute and a half and i'm not gay because his whole thing is like two men he when we were freshmen and i would like call him to pick me up from downtown i was fucked up if it went on longer than a minute he would just hang up and text me the two men can't be on the phone together that long man and i'm like all right and only recently have we like had genuine like long conversations on the phone but

he still has a little bit of that vestigial like he'll be like dude we've been talking for 10 minutes what are we fucking homos and i'm like i think we're just friends he's like yeah friends that are fucking gay idiot i'm like okay okay, yeah, this is my friend. This is my adult friend who's a man. Oh, man. That's just silly. I don't care who you are. That's just wacky duty.

Yeah. What Hank eat? He started eating sewing needles? Sorry, Hank started eating sewing needles. Yeah. He's a stinky old fucking, Hank started eating sewing needles. Yeah. He's a stinky old fucking... Ain't you, you fuck? Hey, stupid.

Just kidding. Hi, handsome. Hank, more like sew. More like... Because he fucking shits in the house and tries to eat it. Dude, he loves eating poop. Probably his third or fourth favorite thing to do. Also, the only places he likes to piss are on things that are kind of expensive.

He likes to piss on the entertainment center. He likes to piss on our rug. He won't piss anywhere else, which is kind of frustrating for me. But that's just because he's a hound dog. He's a stubborn beast. Yeah. I'm the same way. You like to go pee-pee on stuff that costs your girlfriend a lot of money?

Yeah, like shallots. On what? Shallots. You like to piss on the shallots that she gets from Central Market? Yeah, they're expensive. They're pretty pricey. It's like $1.45 a pound.

For a few of them i don't really i don't i'm just kidding i don't even know i don't think shallots are even really expensive just sounds expensive because it's french yeah i always thought i used to get shallot and scallop mixed up um very different and i used to tell people when i worked in the service industry my first job was at a joe's crab shack and came a boardwalk for all you galveston bay and galveston island heads out there i'm sure there's like 10 of you and probably been with high school with um and i would just tell people the wrong thing i would be like yeah this king crab comes with uh scallop and it wasn't it was just had shallots in the broth and then people would be like where's the scallops and i would say they're in the broth and they would

say there's no scallops in here and i would point to the little shallot and i would go scallop and they would say can i speak to your manager i would say yeah sure no problem and then i would go and be like i don't understand what the deal is and they'd be like did you tell him that we had scallops in there and i'd say yes and he goes that's a shallot you're an idiot one's an animal one is like a garlic type thing i And I would go, oh. And then I would get in a lot of trouble. And then I would keep doing that because I don't really listen.

And I'm not good at it. And I wasn't then. And I'm not now. That's okay, Jake. I forget. Thanks, man. It never, you never did anything wrong to me.

Yeah. I mean, I guess that's true. All over, you know. You never fucked me over with regards to scallops or anything seafood related. Never been steered wrong. Seafood. This guy.

You know, if I could fuck people over, I'd probably give thousands of people food poisoning. Yeah. And kill them. Yeah. I used to give really. I'd sell a dish called evil crab. Sinister crab. We've got depraved shrimp.

We've got tortured mussels. My name is depraved. I've been living here in Louisiana for 7,500 years, and I sell the best damn wicked gumbo on the side of the bottom. Yeah, this is my cousin. He's a Nephilim. He's a Louisiana Nephilim. He's got his own uh seafood restaurant called devious shrimp it's actually his also his name uh it's pretty good man uh the food it makes you incredibly sick it makes your soul sick so

even after you die and you go to heaven or hell you're sick there too uh devious you could oh no uh no my name is davia shrimp oh, Devious Shrimp. Oh, sorry. The restaurant is called Devious Shrimp. Sorry, it's... I don't... It's Devious Shrimp. Yeah. My first time eating shrimp, it came from a... It was a pork shrimp.

They used to have those. We used to have pork shrimp down in Louisiana. Then all these new regulations, can't have pork shrimp no more. This was... It was the most haram dish of all time. This was 850,000

years ago. I can't remember whether Muslims can eat shellfish. Maybe they can. In the Old Testament they're not allowed to but I don't think

the Muslims that care about that one. I don't think the Muslims care about that book. adhere to the Old Testament. I think there's a whole ass different type of fella.

These damn Louisiana Muslims are different. They're Jewish. Yeah, these damn Louisiana Muslims. Oh, we got this halal boudin. Yeah. Yeah. So Davia,

we're going to swing by. Davia said he would give us the full Sinister Seafood Devious Shrimp experience, which, again, all the food and drinks, they do make your soul sort of corrupted at a base level. I just need you guys to understand that going in. So if you guys have any, like, gluten allergies or anything, you know, IBS or irritable soul syndrome, you don't want to eat Davis's shrimp ain't that right davis yeah i suppose i suppose i was no one to just start something they would kill me on account of me being sort of an evil we have a zero rating from the bbb

on account of me being a fallen angel what sort of copulated with a human woman? All the food that I make is profoundly evil for a man to eat and causes his soul great distress to the point in which he cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. And really, he's turned away at the gates of hell. And if that ain't true, my name ain't Davius. Davius, hey, it's really nice working with you I'm glad you brought on the firm to help you with the PR that is a long slogan I'm gonna see if I can read it

back and I'm just paraphrasing food so evil it corrupts your soul to the point where you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven and you will be turned away at the gates of hell or my name isn't Davius Shrimp really long kind of a mouthful I wonder if you can trim that yeah I can't change my name isn't Davia shrimp really long kind of a mouthful we wonder if you can trim that yeah I can't change my name right but you can maybe trim the you could trim that's gonna

go in front of the restaurant and that's a lot yeah yeah yeah and I bet I gotta trim the fat off before I make pork shrimp yeah good luck with that mister good luck mr hollywood yeah let's trim the h off of hollywood make it bellywood yeah i'm not i don't i'm not sure that's quite how sorry it's really stuffy in here i'm not i don't think that's really how the spelling of that works by the way no i look i'm not uh an evil seafood guy expert that's you you hired yeah you made that a fan yeah sorry my colleague oh he my colleague uh he is uh deaf he signed to me that he really hated that laugh and maybe keep that one in the chamber um i'm just here it's for the marketing for the pr so if you have a shorter slogan for davia's Shrimp, I'd really like to hear it. Because we have to get it mocked up and put it on the front of the restaurant.

You know what I mean? Alright, let me see. Davey's Shrimp is here and it's his restaurant and he's making the food. And it's going to kill every single one of these motherfuckers in the establishment. That is, I do believe, a couple words

short of the initial one. Problem is, is that it really doesn't make me want to come eat here. About, okay, a Davey's shrimp.

A shrimp so evil it make that pussy black. Sorry, I had to It make that pussy black. Sorry. I had to talk with my colleague. You probably didn't hear me. I said, Davey is shrimp. Shrimp so evil, it make that pussy black.

No, I got that. Sorry, I had to sign it. You said you once again did not hear me? No, I... What I said, I'm sorry. I think my mic cut out. I said, Davia Shrimp. Shrimp so evil it make that pussy black.

Honestly, Davia, I think maybe we might be onto something with that one. I think we maybe have it on there three times. Honestly, I was just thinking the same thing. We have it three times in increasingly larger font. And it gets louder every time. We have a megaphone that blasted at 228 decibels

out of the front of the restaurant at all hours of the day even outside of normal operating business hours. Yeah, I like that. We put sounds into the shrimp and we cook them with sound. Yeah, I mean, dude, I know that you got a great sous chef back there. I know that you also cook, but I know you got a really great experimental chef back there who can put sounds into the food, probably screams.

Yeah, I was the first Louisiana-style chef to ever scream into a shrimp. Yeah, and the sorrowful yells of a to ever scream into a shrimp. Yeah, the sorrowful yells. And scream-fried shrimp. Scream-fried shrimp. The shrimp that has the shouts of a damned man. With grits. Regular grits. The grits is the only thing on the menu.

That's the only thing that's regular. This is delicious. You have to... Yeah, but... Oh, good luck eating this shrimp without... Good luck eating these grits without any shrimp. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I think we're onto something now. Yeah, but once again, like, I don't know if the sign got hurt, but what I said was, Davey is shrimp. Shrimp so good, it turned that pussy black. it turned that pussy black. So if that's cool, yeah, I think we could go with that. If that sounds good. Yeah, sorry.

I just got choked up there for a second. Okay, I like that. I think it sounds good. Nothing seems all above board all above yeah it's above board we'll have it on the building three times an increasingly larger font and we'll have megaphones play it at 24 7 um i think we're all done here i think that i think we're done here if there's anything else that you i didn't you say you had a you had you were um recently sponsored by a podcast davia shrimp you werep. You were going to try to throw some business their way.

Oh, yeah. It was called, so if you want to find it, you got to go over to, is this for the video time? Yeah. Okay, I thought so, but I wasn't sure if we had to do another bit. No, we don't have to do no more bits, Davies. Okay, patreon.com slash pendejotime. $5 a month will get you a free, well, it's not a free episode every week because we already do one of those, and it's right now.

But it'll get you an additional episode every week with Discord access. $1 only gets your broke ass discord access but as soon as you join the patreon there's a link pinned at the top thanks to our dear friend jake so if it doesn't automatically add you to the discord that link will get you there um ten dollars a month gets you an additional video episode every month. We also have a free episode for videos every month and they are good. We got a new camera recently.

The video episodes are legitimately good now. They are no longer bad. And we have a backlog of a couple years or so for everything. So no matter which tier you join, you will get Quite a few Older episodes

If you join the Patreon For the $5 tier You are getting Over a hundred episodes I'm getting about 300 I think at this point Yeah Well

Yeah but 300 hours Rock Yeah And Is that 300 Premium episodes Or just 300 episodes

It's 300 dude We've done a fuck ton Of episodes bro We're three years in About three Yeah About three and a half in And

And I'm still using this voice For some reason It's not even like A real Cajun accent It's just sort of like A guy who got hit By a motorcycle Yeah

I just sound like a Like a Spice Yeah It's just Patreon.com I'm not giving a Spatchy, it's just patreon.com. I'm like if a spatula. Slash Pindeo time.

Go get that white ass over to Patreon right now if you know what's good for you. Thank you, Davius. I appreciate that, man. Thank you. No problem. And if you guys didn't hear that, the slogan once again was Davius Shrimp. Shrimp so good it turned that pussy black.

Y'all have a good one.