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back again in the fucking saddle once more with uh the two wildest cowboys this side of the
mississippi i don't know what side of it i'm on i think i'm on you're on the west side of it
yeah i think so huh yep yeah we're west of mississippi and it goes up and down so so you couldn't try one there now if you ask me you ask me you know um
about the sabine river well i think we're west of that one but i don't know if it runs east to west
i think it might run fuck if i who gives a fuck a lot of the rivers in Texas run the opposite way of most rivers that go east to west.
They all go to the Gulf of Mexico.
No, none of them go there.
Like a lot of them go there.
Most of them go towards like El Paso.
Arizona.
Love it.
There was a guy on Instagram who was uh he started hit at the tip at this it where
mississippi river starts in texas he wrote it all the way to the gulf and it was like his like
nature outdoors thing and all the footage sucked because the mississippi people were like like he
was like yeah i keep running into alligators and people were like well you're in a really nasty
brackish river that sucks dick and also you're like in southeast texas what was he was he on a tube or something
it was a kayak it was like a survivalist thing like he had he had like a solar panel he was like
i'm still it's it's 600 miles all the way from miss and he was in like flood plains and shit
and he was like at one point was kayaking like basically through the ship channel or like by the ship channel he was like it's really nasty
water out here guys i don't know how i'm coming across bought dead fish a lot of dead animals
and it's well it's like your chemical runoff it's not a pretty war is like melting yeah like i don't
know why you didn't do the colorado river it's a much prettier river you run through austin
you know you get to go through san marcos like you go't do the Colorado River. It's a much prettier river. You run through Austin. You get to go through San Marcos.
You go through all the hill country.
It's like you chose the shittiest, nastiest river to be a survival.
I mean, I guess if that's what you're going for.
Yeah, you used a stretch of river that was only for dead bodies for 500 years.
Yeah, it was just like a mass grave for plantation owners for 300 fucking years.
Folks, it's tax season and uh man i gotta tell you i've been it's so awesome it's a fucking dead horse thing but
like i was trying to deduct like i was just trying to like get anything i could or whatever
and uh i was trying to deduct like my guest room,
like my,
it's a quote unquote,
my office or whatever.
And that's not funny.
It's not interesting.
Anyway,
what I found interesting is it's like,
you can estimate the size of your office for deductions,
but then it was like,
it better be accurate.
Like everything doing taxes to like get to have to pay less money was like it better be accurate like like everything doing
taxes to like get to have to pay less money is like it'll say like estimate okay for square
footage of your home or whatever and then at the very end it's like this all better be really true
or like it's game over for you like hey you go roll the dice see you know yeah i don't think i
don't think the irs is going to come into apartment and be like, so this is how he's really been living.
Yeah.
I mean, he said this was a 12 by 10 room.
This is a 12 by 11 and a half room.
Well, people say that, dude.
But like people like, oh, the IRS doesn't come after like middle class or like lower middle class people.
But that's who they that's that's literally. yeah but do you think they're measuring shit they're sending
in an agent with like a windbreaker and the irs is set for like five years off ppp loan
ppp loan right yeah that's true yeah that that is yeah because they got a bunch of
low they sent out millions of dollars to places called Dave's Big Ass Business.
Now they're like, how did this happen?
You sent me a screenshot of 10 of them, and it was like,
Shady Pussycat LLC, Asian Chinese LLC, Big Booty Fat Cat.
$25,000 loans forgiven for fucking a white bitch in the ass LLC.
Yeah, yeah.
It's awesome that, like, I forget.
I don't want to put the guy on blast.
I guess it doesn't matter.
I can't even remember his fucking name.
But he was posting, like, they really just let people get away with it.
Like, I know some people are really fucked and they're going to jail but you can go on and see who had their loans forgiven and yeah yeah it's
it's like you know big black coochie lips s corp loaned them out 245 000 forgiven them out 200 it's
like we so many people miss the boat man i know that we were new to the s corp game and we were
sort of imagine being imagine uh being in like a federal court and the judge is like so you are the owner
of asian boy lover enterprises yes yes sir yes sir that's me and you started this business why
well we're uh at ecd we were going to build restaurant, and that's what we needed the money for.
It was for equipment, and it was for paying our employees.
Right.
It was for paying employees.
So it says here that you needed $80,000,
and I'm looking at your receipts here that you needed it for silicone,
specifically human textured silicone
uh what could a restaurant need eighty thousand dollars worth of human texture silicone for
well you see you know to hear it uh here here at uh you know crazy white bitch enterprises We You know Our new business
The business name is build a bitch
And
Basically it's like build a bear
But you can build your own bitch in here
And
We've got a lot of bitches you can choose from
You can do it off race
Right
Weight
Attitude
Feistiness level income education whether they have a gd or not
iq and most people pick no yeah yeah they pick they don't even pick a range they just wanted
just a quiet dumb bitch yeah but a loyal ass bitch too So we build all types of bitches And basically
Yeah it's gonna be like Build-A-Bear
But with hoes
And you know how you can
Put a message
In a Build-A-Bear
Like a recorded message playback
We have the same thing except it's a pussy
That you can fuck at your friend's house
While you say Oh I need some place to crash.
And he says, that's cool.
Just don't bring that fucking doll in.
And you say, nah, man, this is just my guitar case.
I got a guitar in here.
I'll play it for you later.
He says, you don't need to fucking play guitar.
I got three kids now.
I don't need you playing guitar in my living room.
You say, okay, no worries.
So nightfall comes and you're you're fucking the
doll that looks like your your second high school girlfriend under the it's a blanket that's it's got
teddy bears all over it because that dude's grandma made it for him yeah and you're using
a blanket to cover up you and you're fucking the build a bitch yeah anyway mr Judge basically is usually a white bitch
or another race of
bitch that you can't fuck
and we needed to pay the employees
cause you gotta
you gotta have little hands
to make an accurate
pussy mold with no
molds
so basically we got
all these blind
all these blind uh
all these tiny blind dudes
and they're making
pussies from memory
cause we can't afford
no big molds yet
y'all only approved us
for 90,000
so basically
we got these blind dudes
making pussy
from memory
at gunpoint
and
we got some good pussy
so far my cousin he's one of the pussy testers he
fucks every pussy before it goes out of the store out of the factory and he's got a real uh he's got
a huge dick so we know those things work because he stretches them out damn near blasts a hole in
the back of them um but yeah my cousin's got a fucking huge horse cock and we can make any kind of bitch you want
officer well listen uh i'm not a judge nor my officer i am the uh federal prosecutor for this
case um and initially my first question is initially you were on trial for fraud for a
company asian boy lover but it seems you've incriminated yourself for a second company called
uh white bitches you can fuck aka build a bitch llc uh which you've just presented you know
massive amounts of evidence that you uh have not only slave labor but you have basically you're
torturing these people uh at gunpoint so but i am interested, not necessarily in the Asian boy lover,
but I am interested.
So you can build your own type of bitch
that you can fuck.
How is this different from a real girl?
What is the fundamental difference?
A real girl will yell at you
when you quit your job.
When you quit your job to game and do a person.
Yeah, whenever you quit your job and you start buying snapbacks and G-Bucks.
And you start hitting her with your head.
A real girl will get real pissed off and you can't stay at her place anymore because she'll turn into such a bitch.
Okay, okay. her place anymore because she'll turn into such a bitch. Okay. But basically with these dolls
it's like
it's like a girl
but without all the
bells and whistles you know.
Just the important stuff.
Yeah just the important shit.
And one thing we'll do
is it'll come with a rice bag
and the bag zips up
you can throw the rice bag
into the bitch's body
and cuddle it for warmth
like a real bitch
except she won't like put her leg on you or anything gay like that she won't ask about your
day or ask why you can't make eye contact with people like or like ask why you have trouble with
job interviews because you get nervous and it's not your fucking fault okay or like why you can't
why you can't have teddy bears around why you can't have girl scout cookies love a human the
same way they love stuff like that yeah like why you get scared when you see a motorcycle
or dinosaur why you can't call your mom on the phone and stuff like that. Yeah, when they ask stupid shit like, why you think dinosaurs ain't real?
Okay, so pushing aside Asian boy lovers.
Well, actually, you know what?
No, I do want to tell you.
It's easy to do.
What was the purpose of Asian boy lovers LLC?
On some real shit, we thought there was a way more uh boys and asians and when we looked into how many asian
boys there was uh there was way more of them than we realized initially with our initial thoughts
right right and basically what we did was we looked at every
asian in the world and we multiplied it by how many boys there was.
We realized there's far more
Asian boys than humans in this earth.
So the market for a fake one has to be pretty bad.
Because there's actually,
most people don't know this,
there's more boys of Asian descent
than there is of humans.
What was the product you were offering with this business
that you asked $150,000 for?
$150,000, that's how you stack them bands up, Your Honor,
and that's how you get them racks up to the ceiling.
Just getting cross-examined.
So $150,000, what was the purpose of this money?
I don't want to hear any funny stuff.
Honestly, that's just how you get your paper up
is you fraud the American government.
That's how you get them fucking stacks in the bank.
That's how you get your bands tight and wound up
like in the rapper videos is if you lie to the government
that you're starting a business.
Because I wanted to
join the army someday.
But they don't let you in if you don't got money like that.
Yeah, yeah.
You got to break the rules to become the rules.'t got money like that yeah yeah you gotta break the
rules to become the rules you feel me yeah you gotta break the boss to become the the ruler you
can't make an egg without breaking a few omelets yeah something yeah yeah anyway um i do like the it kind of reminds me of, um,
like Lars and the real girl,
but like, he's not an autistic.
That movie with Ryan got,
he's not an autistic guy.
He's just like,
yeah,
just like a pillhead loser.
And like maybe cast,
I don't know who you cast in a remake of that movie based on build a bitch,
but maybe,
uh,
I don't know. Maybe Pete Davidson. I don't fucking know. He's not. Yeah. Keep that long dick on build a bitch but maybe uh i don't know maybe pete davidson i don't fucking know he's not yeah keep that long dick on him though yeah but you know it but it's just
like it's not he's not like autistic and lonely he's like yeah the only real i know that he's not
a real loser like ryan gosling yeah i know i know that you know i know she a fake bitch
and i know that you know like obviously i know she not real, but I'm bringing her to the party because she don't tell me when I can leave.
And she don't tell me to to only have three beers so I could drive a boat home.
She only likes to fuck for a couple of minutes.
She don't like it longer than that or it starts hurting.
She don't.
She actually like it when I go soft like halfway through.
She thinks I'm sensitive.
I always start crying after I start crying into her pussy.
Usually when you start crying on a girl's pussy, she gets mad about this.
She thinks it's cool when I get a job for the city and I get fired two weeks later because I pissed hot for perking.
My ex-girl used to get mad because i threw
off her foot she said you got she said you got nacho cheese hands you can't throw my foot like
that i said you're such a bitch and i resent you my my builder bitch she don't make me sage the
apartment and make me buy plants and shit and fucking balsa wood or santa paula whatever the
fuck she make me buy she don't make me buy none of that gay shit she like it that i only got a
lawn chair in the living room but a 1300 tv i got with my stimulus check yeah my new girl thinks
it's cool when i steal the radio out of my dad's new car so i can buy pills and shit she thinks honestly i'm like a vigilante like zoro
yes you can you can get like uh like a voice box you can put in your bitch for an extra
ten thousand dollars and you could have like a preset set of recordings and and some of the
options are like it's so cool uh that you ko'd that child at the mall for stepping on your toe
or like, oh, it's so sexy when
you have a BMI of 55
or man, you smell great.
I love the smell of like shit
and blood.
Stuff like that.
Damn, you got a nice ass couch
and you don't need a bed frame and you're a baller.
Damn, damn.
$11 is a lot of money to have in your checking account. Damn, boy, you made $13,000 this year? You're a baller. Damn, you damn. $11 is a lot of money to have in your checking account.
Damn.
Boy, you made $13,000 this year.
You fucking stacking it up.
Damn, you stacking that shit.
It's so hot that you kick, that you abuse your dog, but you call it discipline.
I love a guy that does stuff like that.
Damn, you don't even, you don't even clock in when you go to work.
You fucking hustling.
Damn, you sold a zip of weed last week and made
60 that's that real i've never seen anybody not off as much as you
you love having fun damn i've never seen anybody drink as much activists as you and play tony hot
that's so hot that's pretty much all the options you get, though, I think. Yeah, honestly, bro, ever since I quit doing shit,
ever since I quit, bro,
my only addiction, bro, is fingering.
Dude, honestly, bro, I don't even eat pussy no more.
You feel me?
Yeah, sure.
I don't even eat pussy.
I just fucking stick my whole finger in there really fast.
No warm-up. I stick it in there real fast. I pull it out. I don't even eat pussy i just fucking stick my whole finger in there really fast no warm-up i stick it in there real fast i pull it out i don't put it back in it's like when you say that's all you get bitch when you try to pay with a debit card at the pump yeah put the card
in and you yank it out really fast yeah i don't rub shit i tap it like i got the chip i got tapped
yeah yeah yeah yeah i got i got apple pay i Yeah, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got Apple Pay.
I just put my phone against it real hard and then get frustrated when it don't work because the LTE is really bad in this part of town.
Yeah, my dick is like Apple Pay.
I'll tap it twice and then go cry in my car when it don't go through.
You feeling me?
Yeah, I love that type of shit. my dick like apple pay it don't work
my dick is like it is like a like an empty atm you ain't getting nothing back
i what i took from you belongs to the belongs to be yes sir yeah uh my dick is like uh it doesn't matter my dick's like cash app it's green yeah
yeah it's green it's green mine's like venmo because it get real blue around the v
yep okay my dick's like zell only uh only girls who live in miami use it
yeah yeah i'm running out of pay. My dick like PayPal.
Elon Musk invented it.
Yeah.
My dick like PayPal because it takes six weeks to process it and then you always lose.
Yeah.
And then the website takes half your dick.
Yeah. And then the website starts calling in bomb threats to your work.
Yeah. Yeah. They call the IRS because your dick
doesn't work.
Oh, man.
Yeah, what other paying systems
are there?
I think my dick is like railed the way I got all these
16-year-olds on it.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! yes sir yeah yes sir yeah yes sir my dick like sheen
it costs two cents to make it and it's beloved by
only the worst types of women.
Yeah, my dick is like
Fashion Nova because it covers a lot of
surface area, but barely.
My dick like
mischief.
I hate it.
I can't stand it.
I hope it goes out of business.
Because it pisses me the fuck off.
It is.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I think that's about it.
My dick like...
My pussy's like goodwill the way you see all the special people in there.
My dick like
fucking
it doesn't matter
it's fine
my dick straight up like
fucking
Plato's Closet
the way
you don't get
what you think you're worth
when you go in there
my dick's like
Plato's Closet
the way I get turned down
most of the time
yeah my dick like fucking PacSun closet where I get turned down most of the time. Yeah.
My dick like
fucking Pac-Son. It's easy to steal
from there.
And my dick like Zoomies. It's easy to steal
from my dick.
Mine is like
Dillard's. it's always closed down
it's like two mexican guys in there for some reason yeah my pussy like sears it's old
nobody really goes in there no more yeah mine is mine is also like pecsum, but it's because it's only fun if you're in high school.
I dig like journeys.
It's for people.
I dig like Hot Topic. Yeah, it's for fucking only weirdos and pedophiles only.
Mine's like AT&T.
Why?
I don't know.
Because it looks like a pretzel.
My dick like Auntie Anne's.
Why, man?
You start crying.
I don't fucking know, dude.
I don't fucking know anymore.
I don't fucking know.
Yeah, that shit's awesome.
That shit's so cool.
I wish I could fucking... Work at Auntie Anne's?
Yeah, I wish I could work at Auntie Anne's.
I feel like they never make anything there.
I feel like when they open the spot, all the food appears,
and then whenever it sells out, place closes down as long as that
takes i uh is i was at this mall and uh i was at the fucking gallery and mall in houston which like
just used to be a place where you'd go if you're in high school to hang out like drunk
and then now apparently it's like always an active war zone. That's what people on Facebook
talk about, so it's probably not true. People
talk about the Galleria in Houston like an active
war zone. If you go there, you will
get fucking shelled. It's like
crime stuff. Anyway, we were walking around
the Galleria. I was in high school.
It was later when everything
was about to close.
I don't remember if it was Auntie Anne's
or another pretzel place
but me and my buddy geo shouts out uh he doesn't listen to the show and has told me he never will
we were walking past just the the auntie ann's or whatever and this guy has a tray full of big
fucking like cheesy pretzels and like sweet ones and uh like
we're looking at him through the glass and he's like about to throw him away and uh me and him
me and you looking like hey man like we had the munchies really bad i was like hey bro can i get
can we get some of those pretzels and uh he's like yeah dude for sure yeah i was gonna throw
him away anyway.
And we're like, oh, okay. So we go to walk in.
He goes, oh, one second.
And looks at us dead in the eye and then throws him away in the trash can.
And I don't know if it's because I was stoned or if I just, I don't know.
But it hurt me way more than it should have.
Because I started thinking, dude, I'm about to have a pretzel for free.
And I was a fat kid. So I was like, I'm about to have a pretzel for free and i was like a fat kid so i was like i'm about to fuck this is gonna be good and then he just
like dead in my just like a like a fucking dude he was clearly like in his mid-30s like he worked
at auntie ann's like he probably thought about blowing up the mayor's house all day like he was
not doing good and hey no nothing against guys who work at Auntie Anne's and they're dirty.
Some of you guys may be that guy.
But this guy was not killing it.
And just something about denying a free pretzel to two stoned teenagers,
you could tell he was like, yeah, I wish I could kill you both,
even for talking to me.
I never got to work at a mall kiosk.
I knew a lot of my friends that did.
It seemed like something that you do, like a rite of passage kind of being a dishwasher or something you know like i just you know i always how close you live to a mall i the mall to me was always like a different world yeah and
then i went a few times in high school and i was like all right that's enough. There was the mall closest to us.
This guy got stabbed to death right in the front doorway of it a few years ago.
And that was kind of the end of that mall.
Because I don't think he even really did anything.
It was just a group of guys wanted to stab him to death.
I don't think he was even gang related.
It was just a Caesar type situation
like I guess like
I moved back home
when I was like 24 25
I was 24
and shit had just kind of fallen apart
classic style you know
my dad was so excited when I moved back home
partially because you know we hadn't seen each other in a while,
but there was a mall in Pasadena where, you know, we're from,
and it was called the Pasadena Town Square Mall.
And my mom and I used to go there when I was real young
and had like an arcade and a pizza shop.
And we would go there like school shopping for me for like clothes,
because the school I went to had like a fucking dress code or whatever and so all your like dress code stuff was there blah blah my dad
used to go there when he was a kid it was just the only thing really besides like getting into
a fistfight at the ditch or like working in the plants the other thing you did if you live in
pasadena was you go to pasadena town square mall well i moved back and my dad was like dude you
remember pasadena town square mall i was like yeah he was like you'll never believe this they shut it down
basically and now it's just like a mexican flea market called like meat me me moody i fuck i don't
know but it's just a whole bunch of mexican guys in there and they changed the name completely it's
like little mexico he was talking about it to me like he had went down there
and they saw that they invented a time machine.
I can't recreate his level of excitement.
He was like, you won't believe it, dude.
They got a tamale shop.
They got a fucking place you can buy switchblades.
It's insane.
You can do whatever the fuck you want out there.
His mall from his high school days with the arcade and the Who
and the pin pinballs they were
like dude they turn it into a lawless crazy place and it's just i went there and it just they just
turn it into a flea market like like and my dad had been to flea markets i just think he had so
many experiences in this mall like i'm pretty sure he probably like got his first hand job at the
roller rink at the mall like this was his place when he was a
young gun in the 70s to like smoke fucking shitty dad weed and like listen to jimmy hendrix but then
they turn it into like a fucking yeah like like people go with like people are doing donuts in
the parking lot yeah there's just there's a live pig being like hanged in the gallows yeah yeah
yeah people have like a whole carp like stripped up
like completely filleted there's a guy selling his kids
it was like uh like cockfights in the fucking food court and shit yeah and he we went there
like on a whim because when i moved i didn't have a fucking job i had no money and neither did he
so we were like let's go hang out at the fucking flea market man you can
see how much it's changed and i remember going there when i was a kid where like they did have
an arcade and they had like a food court i walk in there arcade is now like a place called like
have you ever been to like a failing mall and there's a store in there called Urban Gangster Boutique.
And it's owned by somebody who should not.
It's owned by, I don't know, somebody from the Middle East.
It's owned by who, Jake?
Yeah.
It's owned by a Middle Eastern guy.
But all the clothes and there's hip hophop rap music playing in there but all the clothes
are from like an atlanta music video from like 2002 like they're selling like it's like like i
guess that when they open that shop up they're like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna sell
clothes to the coolest black guys in the area and but all the clothes are like fubu yeah or like
knockoff supreme but like really obvious yeah Yeah, it says like cool. Yeah,
bathing ape print
and then it just says like athlete on
it. Yeah, yeah.
So like it
was those type of stores and then it
was like Spencer's
which like Spencer's will survive
like they always people say like
cockroaches can survive the Holocaust. No.
As long as there are
teenage girls who decide not to shower spencers will live i feel like yeah and then like and then
like there's grown adults who are like what if we went to spencers yeah exactly that yeah like
when you're in high school and you're like do you remember the store when we were younger that had
like the fake penises and then like, you know, the silly beer hat,
like what's going there.
And check that out.
What if they got a chastity belt and then a mug with Rick and Morty that
says,
fuck me in the ass.
This is a little weird.
This is edgy.
What if we got a tapestry with a weed leaf on it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about,
what if we got that tapestry with all of the Pink Floyd albums,
but it's on the girl's butt cheeks.
What have we got? What if we sent all our old teachers a postcard that says,
I just blew my dad.
What if I got one of those shocking orb things that cost like $180 for some reason,
and we could put our nuts on it?
What if we got a coffee mug that looked like it was made out of mac and cheese?
That would be crazy. What if I got a coffee mug that looked like it was made out of mac and cheese? That would be crazy.
What if I got a shirt that said, I'm with Hitler?
And it had a nut sack on the back of it.
We should get a temporary tattoo of the soft A in words.
In old English, across our shoulder blades like fucking MS-13.
That would look so sick.
Just a soft day across your fucking...
Yeah, it was like...
It was that store.
It was like Urban Gangster Boutique.
Spencer's.
And then, yeah, just like...
Stores where you could go in and buy like fake gucci and like fake rolexes
and for like 20 bucks but you go up there and like you're like oh how fake is it and it's like
it's like a mickey mouse watch that somebody like spray painted like silver or whatever there's like
tape on it yeah yeah and it was also one of those ones where like the guys are very the perfume guys
are super aggressive like hey brother you you want to smell like the best you've ever smelled
your whole life you're like no uh particularly they're like okay this one's called uh david
beckham pussy pussy juice uh you can have uh you pay. You pay me fifty five dollars for David Beckham Pussy Juice.
You get all the ladies that live in Pasadena, Texas.
You're like, I don't man.
I don't know how the fuck you got over here off a boat from Moldova, but I'm not interested.
OK, well, what about this is your father?
OK, if you get pussy from ladies who work at the store.
You wear this type of cologne.
Those guys suck, dude.
It's like them and the cell phone repair kiosk guys.
I fixed your phone, like $50.
Phone's not broken.
Okay, I break for you.
And then you let me fix.
Also, you let me kiss your daughter.
Is that your daughter?
How old is she? 14? 14 perfect this is good for me yeah or just the the it was usually uh the the indian guys who sell like giant
gold chains are awesome too like the the hip-hop style jewelry but it's like too broad to be cool yeah it just it says
like cash like the letters yeah it's like huh it was clearly made in like uzbekistan and some guy
translated from like english to translating like uh hood shit from english to uz his it was becky and it's like pogrom land or like money guy
mr snoop dog man yeah mr mr mr check cashing the best way you could get when you you could
get like a rockefeller chain for like 15 dollars yeah yeah there was a kiosk at passing a town square mall that sold um so they sold fake ps4s
and fake xboxes that were pre-programmed with games but they weren't emulators they looked like
xboxes and they looked like playstations but there was something off about them and the guy had
plugged them in and they had like eight bit versions of games on there i don't know where the fuck these things came from but it was called like like x zone and like
game station and uh they were like 20 or 30 bucks and you would walk by them and the guy would be
playing it's like graphics on this crazy you could see everything and it would be like uh like halo
but it wouldn't be halo it would be like a spaceman with a gun and and it would be like uh like halo but it wouldn't be halo it would
be like a spaceman with a gun and the game would be like glitching it's like you know xbox same
thing but you know just a bit different but much cheaper and you're like no like he's harassing
like father a father of four like a redneck father of four like hey guy with big strong
man you come here you buy your daughter uh a monkey with lead paint for the ice.
And then you buy your son X Station, play all his favorite games.
And then you buy your other son a drone that will slice his eyeballs.
The propellers will fly.
It's only directed towards the head of small children.
This is programmed to kill as many kids as it possibly can to maim your wife, too, at $200.
Dude, failing malls are the best.
I kind of want to go back when I am back in Pasadena, when I'm back home, and visit it.
Because it's...
Obviously, with online shopping and shit, dude, malls used to feel like cool places to be like not cool.
It was never cool to be at the mall, but it was a place to pass time.
And now they're just like like I feel like in the back in the back of passing a town square mall.
So like half the mall is what I just described.
It's like a flea market with like you can buy fake IDs there if you wanted to.
Imagine me and you like well into our 20s being like I gotta get a fake ID
I passed by last time I was there with my dad they had like it said like novelty identification
and I was like do you know how much the police don't want to come to this part of town that you
can open up a business called novelty I did like you were in a part of
south houston where like you just don't see a lot of cops and you're like you can you can open up a
storefront that's like fake ids sold here for like i guess we're like i don't know you know
anyway yeah half the store half the mall is that and the back half the mall is completely abandoned
like if you walk like you start like you ever play a video game and you're at a half of the mall is completely abandoned. Like, if you walk, like, you start, like, you ever play a video game
and you're at a part of the map towards the edge
and things get clippier?
Like, you play Skyrim and when you get to the border,
like, the trees don't shade right.
Right, right.
That's how, like, you can see where Sears used to be
and it's just pitch black in there
and the doors are open.
It's like, you can go in there,
you're going to get eaten by something older than time for sure.
Like, I was a fully grown man, and I was like, Dad, we need to get out of here.
He's like, oh, it's cool to see you.
And I was like, Dad, there's something evil.
There's something very evil about an abandoned, like, empty mall.
Because it's like, there's a guy living in there for sure.
Nobody cares to go check.
And that guy is hated by mankind and by God.
He's going to tear you to go check. And that guy is hated by mankind and by God.
He's going to tear you to shreds.
Dude, I would hate it if, you know, imagine walking through, you know, the old Dillard's and you just get the best head of your life by an invisible being.
You walk out just dripping, dripping.
Balls shrunk to the size of fucking grape seeds just gaunt giant
veins sticking out of your forehead you know all the shop owners are like we know we know what
happened you went to back of dillard's and got your penis sucked by phantom didn't you and you're
like no no and he's like i know this look when i see it you got your penis sucked by the green ghost. The old owner
of Journey's.
The old Tajikistan
owner of Journey's sucked your penis.
With his door closed down,
he jumped two stories and killed himself.
Only his
legs break, but he died. He bleed out
because femoral artery severed
from femur bone. He landed on
very skinny child
like uh like t-post impale but but now he now he haunt journeys and any man brave enough to
go on the store get penis just cleanly sucked dry like nobody he was not gay nobody knows what type
of revenge this is no we've had several exorcists come in.
They can't identify why Ghost is gay now.
And they keep coming back after we tell them.
Yeah.
The Ghost does not eat pussy.
In normal clothes.
We asked, aren't you an exorcist?
The guy said, no, it's not me.
I'm not the exorcist from two days ago.
Also, the Ghost doesn't eat eat pussy and it doesn't want
to see breasts the ghost only suck penis uh i think my wife there for anniversary yeah
yeah there's a there's fazoles across street uh i would go and we have pasta and then i tell
my wife we have to go to journeys for six hours.
She doesn't understand because journeys been close and also
our kids are grown
and they don't ride the skateboard.
She woke up with full pair of
size 8 vans in
Bird Canal.
Old schools.
High top
The one Tony Hawk wear
When he do Z-Boys in the dog town
Anyway
Welcome to the
Pasadena Town Square Mall
My name is Nikolai
I'll be your guide today
You can
We have so many wears for sale
You can You can buy switchblade pulled
from dead nazi uh ten dollars ten dollars very cheap we have for some reason lots of nazi
memorabilia uh here you can buy a cheese stick that will kill you uh you can buy skate shoes you can buy fake id and you can buy uh there's a gnc here for some
reason fucking next door uh there's a guy selling banana bread um yeah yeah yeah there's always
every mall that sucks there there is a gnc there like i like at that mall we were at the only store that was there from when i was a kid was the gnc which leads me to believe that there is a GNC there. At that mall we were at, the only store that was there from when I was a kid
was the GNC,
which leads me to believe
that there was a guy selling gear in there.
Because when I was like five years old
and my mom would take me to that mall,
the GNC was there,
and it was in the same place when I went back
when I was like 25,
like 20 years later.
Everything else was gone.
The arcade was gone.
The food court was gone.
The fucking milkshake shop was gone.
Mrs. Fields, Auntie Anne's was all gone.
But the GNC was there.
You know they're just selling like windstraw to like welders.
Or I don't know.
Maybe they're so.
Like you go to buy protein and the guy's like, don't touch that one.
And you're like, no, I like the muscle milk.
And he's like, no.
You just open it up and there's just like 50,000.
Yeah, the only real protein pattern. So there's just like 50,000 oxy in there. Yeah, the only real protein powder and stuff in there is from like 1995.
Yeah, it's the shit that's got like fucking meth in it.
Yeah.
Did I ever tell you about when I had a container of protein powder searched by the Weatherford Police Department?
No.
It was sealed.
They ripped it open and like dug around in there and then just left it in my back seat.
I was like, bro, that was a brand new container of protein powder.
And they're like, yeah, yeah, it looks like he even put the seal on there.
We got him.
He's got two pounds of cocaine in here.
Yeah, yeah.
The classic muscle milk cocaine trap.
I was like, this is not a bad idea this is was 35 do you think this happens in weatherford texas yeah we were dude
when i went to south padre island uh when i was 20 it was like you know every young man makes his
pilgrimage to the island and we went we got fucked up there but we ended up crashing with this dude who insisted on like
selling weed out of the hotel and like smoking weed in the hotel and sure enough the fucking
cops come in like six in the morning and start fucking searching through all our shit and they
like arrest him or whatever they question him i don't remember if they arrested him he's a piece
of shit fuck it the fuck that guy but uh they start going through my shit and i had like one of the first ever e-cigs that was just like
skinny or whatever and they were like what's this and i was like it's nicotine you know it's like a
fucking alternative to cigarettes and they're like all right and uh i had a bunch of my ssris at the
time i was on like i was stacking i had a a full stack. You know what I'm saying?
I had like my Zoloft
and my Sleep Aid
and then I had like, I don't know,
like something else, Klonopin or something.
And this guy was
like, what do we got, dude?
I'm not doing the fucking voice to be
obnoxious. He was like,
what do we got in here? What's in this?
You know how hard it is to take
an interrogation seriously when a guy sounds like george lopez he was uh he was like you better the
fucking prescription better be on this you understand me and i was like biting the inside
of my cheeks i'm trying not to laugh so hard and like i had like it was an old bottle of
clonopin because i took it at the time I took it as needed.
So the thing had kind of faded off, you know, and I think I like washed them.
And I don't fucking know.
Like, I kept my pills in my pocket when I'd walk around.
I don't know.
But I remember the label and he was like, I don't see your fucking name on here.
What is this?
I was like, Zoloft.
And he was like, uh-huh.
And I was like, Google the fucking pill, man.
He was like, hey.
He didn't say take it easy.
He was like,
he put his hand. He was like, hey.
I wasn't
being a tough guy, but I was like, dude, it's
antidepressants. They're fucking
antidepressants is what they are.
Those guys came in. They were dumping our fucking
suitcases everywhere.
Yeah, we had weed on us, but it's fucking south padre island we're all
like 19 20 like that's what the that's what you fucking do there now because that's what people
do there that's what the fucking cops do there so whatever we're all we're like it's an ecosystem
of fucking alcoholics and drug addicts and then the police and uh anyway the guy's like looking
through he's he's making me dumping my pills out in his
hand and he's like pulls up his phone and he's googling like zoloft and he's like okay all right
and then he like googles like you know ramaran all right he's all right you're lucky that these
are what they say on the bottle and i was like yeah like if they were viking and i would
have eaten them before you fucking kicked the door in but it like just to get raided by like carlos
mencia and george lopet by the way they were really fat and really short and they were like
two like i guess state troopers from like the island or whatever that was so awesome and they
were leaving and they had that guy we were staying with who was the reason we got our shit searched in the first place and they're like
we're gonna go talk to your fucking friend y'all sit tight you're not going nowhere and i was like
randy macho man savvy you're not going nowhere like i fucking like in my head i was like you
guys gotta talk like something else can you just put a shit kicker accent on i i know i've had fucking
people i've known i that i get pulled over by a cop and you know they lay it on a little thicker
especially state troopers where they're like yeah you know you're going about 20 over and i'm like
i know you don't talk like that man like i know a lot of people in this state have that accent but
you don't can you just not sound like a cartoon can you not sound like speedy gonzalez
yeah just talking like yosemite sam until like a single mom yeah yeah yeah that guy was like well
ma'am it would appear that i'm going to in about 20 minutes i'm gonna shoot you in the back of the
head so i guess that's how it is you're doing about 10 over, and your daughter back there is making a lot of noise
because she is a baby.
So I'm going to tase her a whole bunch.
Yeah, I got hearing problems.
I'm also an insane maniac.
So you better speak up for me.
Yeah, those guys fucking sucked, man.
And then after we were like,
oh, that was a close call
or whatever uh you know that could have been really bad i think i told you this is unrelated
uh you met edgar right yeah at the austin show so on the way there so he's from the valley he
lives like you know half an hour from the border and i think like 10 minutes from south padre island
and both of his parents are i think his both his parents from mexico and uh we were all joking about like hey we can't get duis
boys you get duis on the island like keep your ass there and you know i don't get caught with
no drugs like we were all just giving each other the pep talk or whatever and uh we were like on
the we took a road trip on the way there and he was was like, wouldn't it be funny if I got a DUI?
Cause we always make like shitty racist jokes to Edgar.
Cause it was like,
he was like,
Oh,
my cousin lives in Pasadena.
Oh,
my cousin lives in Fort Worth.
Oh,
I got a Tio that lives at,
it's like,
he's just,
he's got like 500 cousins at like 9 billion or whatever.
He's like,
wouldn't it be funny,
bro?
If my fucking cousin pulled me over,
like if it was like my cousin,
like I could pull over for a DUI and I got Coke on me.
And then my fucking, it's my cousin. He just sends me home. I was like my cousin like i could pull over for a dui and i got coke on me and then my fucking it's my cousin he just sends me home i was like yeah that'd be funny and then we're like it's like day two of our padre boys trip when he calls us and he's like hey
when you guys come to the store like right across the street from the seawall and we're like
why and he was like man i got pulled over and I had some weed on me and I'm pretty drunk.
I was,
he was like doing a beer run or whatever.
And he was like,
you're not going to believe who pulled me over.
We were like,
who?
Like I thought he was like some,
like,
he's like,
it's my cousin.
And he said that somebody has to come get me.
I can't,
he's like,
he wasn't going to take me to jail.
He was just like,
he said he was going to call my mom or something.
Like,
but he's like, he was like, the dude pulls him over and edgar's like fuck dude i'm going to jail and
he's like half an hour from his mom's place so he's always gonna his mom is like a mexican
immigrant who's like like you know like fucking works hard you know he's like gonna have to call
his mommy to bail him out she's got no fucking money he's like driving his car like or the car
that he took uh like he's like leaving the gas station fucking immediately gets lit up and he's like driving his car like or the car that he took uh like he's like leaving the gas station
fucking immediately gets lit up and he's shithouse the guy pulls him over and fucking walks up
tips his hat it's like he's swerving out of the gas station man uh so you know how this fucking
goes just step out of the car and the guy is like edgar like looks up and the dude goes ed
edgar's like fuck
it was like not just a cousin
distantly like they hung out when they were kids
like they were super close he's like what the fuck are you
doing back in the valley man or like by the
island and he's like I'm just here with my friend
and he's like dude are you drunk right now
and Edgar was like yeah
pretty drunk man and he's like dude
just fucking call somebody to come pick you up bro
like exactly what we were racially joking we're like dude he's like dude just fucking call somebody to come pick you up bro like exactly
what we were racially joking we're like dude he's gonna let you off and he's gonna call your mom and
then like we get there and he's like fuck man i think he's gonna tell my mom i was drunk that's
just like i was like you know what i know that we were being racist to you as a joke earlier
but it ended up happening for real so i feel like
like we're not you know like I'm not in that much of trouble.
That trip, dude, so much fucking bad shit happened on that trip, which we like everybody who had been before us was like, yeah, nothing good happened.
So, Padre, we took this guy, Brendan, who he's side side note, completely different.
I don't know.
We took this guy who one time right before i went on
to do like the biggest stand-up show i ever did it was in front of like a couple hundred people
or whatever and you know casual flex uh i was like 19 um he texted me he was bipolar and would
do a bunch of coke and it would trigger like a manic episode he texted me and he was like when
you come home i'm gonna fucking stab you i'm gonna kill you because i fucking hate you dude you're a piece of shit and i do not like he
was like a really violent guy we i don't know why we how we ended up with this motherfucker he went
to school with us and when he was sober and like when he was taking his medicine he was awesome
he was just like a rastafari like like, Pacho, like Bob Marley guy.
Like, one of those college kids that's like, dude, have you heard of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Like, when he was sober and just on weed, like, that was who he was.
But he would take, like, one key bump and miss one of his lithium.
And he's like, you ever thought about pulling, like, a kid's legs, like, off?
It's just like, what?
Anyway, he was on that trip with us.
And one of our buddies that also was there with us uh one of our buddies uh that one was also was there
with us one of our roommates his name sam he's like a uh he's like a fucking like a gym bro and
we wake up and he's like guys dude i think someone stole my car and he had taken like he was one of
the guys that brought his car to south padra island he was like it's not there anymore and
my car's gone from the hotel we were like dude
did you like black out last night did you like go meet with somebody because he had a girl that he
had met up with he's like no dude i stayed here we were like fuck we expected one of us to go to
jail or maybe almost go to jail with edgar but we didn't expect to get our car stolen or whatever
so a couple hours goes by and brendan that guy was the bipolar guy calls us and
he's like hey i got sam's car motherfuckers y'all are a bunch of pussies like y'all are y'all are
fucking losers y'all been drinking for three days out by the beach thinking you're so cool
well guess what i haven't slept in two days and i found some bomb ass fire coke and y'all are a
bunch of fucking retards and y'all should kill yourselves brandon out click
we're like oh no so this guy's just driving around south padre island with like an eight ball
swanging this fucking ford focus dude like we finally get him on the phone like we call him
we spend all day trying to track this guy down and uh finally get him on the phone and like he's i
guess the shit's wore off and he calmed down and uh he's like on the phone and like he's i guess the shit's wore off
and he calmed down and uh he's like all right you know what fuck y'all i'm gonna get a flight back
to austin because y'all a bunch of fucking pussies and y'all even on a party because y'all are
fucking losers and i just really feel like i need to get my life together and go with god every now
and he was one of those guys like day four the bender he was one of those guys, like, day four of the bender, he was one of those dudes
that's like, you ever think about, like,
just, like, numbers and shit, dude?
And, like, you ever think about hymns?
Like, he was one of those guys.
Anyway, he's like, I'm going to get right,
and I'm going to leave y'all in the fucking dust,
and you're not going to know where I'm at in two years.
I'm going to be unrecognizable.
I'm going to be a fucking G,
and y'all are going to be fucking losers.
Anyway, he was like, y'all can find the fucking car and he
like kind of sent us on a scavenger hunt he just parked it in a handicapped spot in front of a
popeyes and left the keys on the hood of the car and like inside the car was like a bunch of bud
light like half a joint just went on a fucking joyride for like half the day with like six
felonies in the car and then just left it in popeye's parking lot like with it like it was so awesome we it was one of those things where i was
like man i'm really glad we went on this trip i don't know how all this like didn't go sideways
but you know it was okay it ended up being you know it ended up being a good trip but that guy
um that guy ended up so he moves back home just, just a little epilogue on the whole.
That guy moves back home.
He drops out of college.
And one of my old roommates kept up with him, would talk to him every few months.
He's like, yeah, you know, he went to this institution where it's not like a straight jacket place or whatever.
It's kind of like a halfway house, but for people with severe emotional problems.
And he's like, I hear he's doing pretty good i was like that's awesome man like whenever he was on it and he was on his meds brendan was a really nice guy i'm about to hear that like six months go by
and i run into him again and i'm like hey man uh hear from brendan he's like oh yeah he almost beat
his dad to death i was like what he's? He was like, yeah, man, things were looking up, dude.
And then I talked to his cousin and like the second day he got back from that facility.
Him and his dad were like talking about him getting a job and he just broke his dad's jaw and then like broke his orbital bone.
And, you know, like smashed his head a lot.
I think now he's just kind of walking around the city.
It's just like, oh, man, that's tough.
That's good.
You know, yeah.
You never you're never prepared for it to be a bad thing.
Never.
No, you always want it to be good.
It can be a neutral thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like they can be like, he's been sitting in the same chair for six months, and he loves it.
Yeah.
It'll be like, hell yeah, that's an answer that's fine to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if it's like, yeah, he's good for the most part, but he's been kind of depressed.
Yeah.
It's like, hey, man, just say he's been good for the most part.
I wouldn't know.
Yeah, you know, he's been isolated in the same room yelling for, like, seven months.
It's like, ah, you guys need to put him down like a dog.
Yeah.
But it was so funny because, like, he would.
Dude, I swear.
I don't know.
I fucking hand to God.
We fucking.
When he texted me, I was doing funniest person in Austin.
And when he texted me, like, hey, when you get home from your fucking little gay ass comedy show we're gonna fight and i'm gonna fucking kill you i'm gonna fucking stab
you dude it's game over for you you're fucking dead i just texted him back like lol like all
right sorry brennan like whatever he was texting one of our roommates who was there at the show
and he was like i'm gonna burn the fucking apartment down dude fuck you guys because
what had happened was i moved in he was gonna going to drop out of college. I took his room. So he like had this weird beef with me or whatever.
And.
Is, you know, one of my friends like, hey, he's talking about burning the apartment down, man.
We were hanging out after the show and drinking.
He's like, I'm going to go back early because I just I don't, you know,
I'm going to see if I can, you know, squash this whole thing.
And we're like, all right.
What he did.
We all get back there.
He sent us a picture of it, but he left it because he was crying laughing.
He had rigged a can of WD-40 up with the sprayer on our couch,
with duct tape the sprayer to let all the oil out,
and then had left a lit cigarette on the coffee table next to the oil,
like a mob movie like this is but this is in the age of fire safe cigarettes by the way which like in movies you can take a
drag of a cigarette and blow it into the gasoline and everything goes it doesn't work like that
like it's not but i know in his fucking insane mind he was like i've seen good fellas and these
fucking losers are gonna kick me out of the apartment because I like to joke about killing dogs sometimes.
And I'm going to make them pay.
I'm going to burn this whole complex down.
And we knew that he was capable of it, so we took it seriously.
But, dude, I wish I still had the fucking.
It was a duct tape can of WD-40, a big puddle of oil all over the fucking couch
and onto the floor because the oil had like sprayed out.
And then a burnt cigarette that hit the oil had put it out.
It didn't catch the oil on fire because it's WD-40 is flammable.
But it's like cigarettes have been fire safe for like the last 20 years.
Like there's chemicals in them to prevent them from doing that or to start wildfires.
And like we texted and we're like
brendan like we were all drunk and like we probably shouldn't have begged the guy on but we were like
he just tried to burn down a whole apartment complex and you're like bro yeah well we did
we texted her like hey dude you know that like cigarettes aren't like capable of really doing
that i mean you know had you left it in like a trash can with a bunch of kindling
that covered in fucking lighter fluid, maybe.
And he didn't respond, obviously.
But we were just like we were crying because we were dude,
we were we rushed back to the apartment and like part of us was like, dude,
should we call the fucking fire department?
Like one of us like a backseat.
My buddy was Googling like fires on Riverside, Austin, Texas, you know,
because we're like where we lived and we were seeing the news we were freaking the fuck out we were like dude
he's he's capable of this shit we want to make sure you know get there no smoke we're like all
right maybe it didn't take but i wonder how he tried to do it you know run up the fucking we
don't even hear anything there's no fire alarm get there yeah duct tape can of wd-40 and half
a turkish royal just like sitting in a puddle of oil on a coffee table
and like on the couch next to it.
And I was like, respect.
You're trying to fucking...
I'm imagining him like flicking it
and then like slow walking down to the parking lot
and like looking up to the window and not seeing anything yet.
No explosion.
And he's like, hmm.
No, no, I got to keep walking.
I got to keep walking. it'll be cooler that way
yeah yeah he just walks all the way
he walks like half a block looks back
turns around
well I can't if I second guess
and I come back there I'll die in the explosion
so yeah he just spends the next
30 minutes pacing back and forth
no no I got this I know I did it right
alright yeah I'll just head out
I got this
he would sit there No, I got this. I know I did it right. Yeah, I'll just head out. I got this.
He would sit there.
He was one of those guys, man, that you could
kind of...
Some people's manic and depressive episodes
happen in gradual stages.
I've always found myself, it takes me a couple
weeks to slip into one or the other.
But he would be
sitting there with a big ass fucking backwood one or the other. Yeah. But he would be sitting there with a big-ass fucking backwoods, dude,
just hitting it in the living room.
It would be like a Sunday.
We just played sand volleyball.
Vibes are immaculate, dude.
We got fucking barbecue out on the smoker.
You know, he's like, bad bitch, independent bitches only.
Man, I fucking love you guys
you guys are the coolest motherfuckers
man and there's really nothing better
about just like a Saturday with the boys
we all got you know we're off work
you know semester's fucking over man
I fucking love you guys
I think I'm gonna kill you guys
like it would be
so bad like I don't know
if he would like if the weed would hit him in a certain way
and then the liquor would hit him and then the coke would hit him or whatever.
But he just, yeah, he was like, God damn, man.
Like, fuck it.
It's a beautiful day, man.
It's a beautiful fucking spring break, man.
The weather's not too hot.
And, man, there's a lot of fucking honeys down by the pool.
I know you got a girlfriend, bro.
But, man, like, I'm just feeling like the best version of myself.
And I could go down there, man, and i could meet this girl and i could kill her
it could be so easy for me to snap her neck like a fucking twig dude by the way have you guys ever
read the book of revelations because the book of revelations says that they're that upon upon the
pale horse rode death you're like Oh It's still like Californication
Playing in the background
No like seriously yeah it would be like
Scott Tissue that I wish you saw man
You know this fucking song like
I don't know if it's just like
If it's just Anthony Kiedis' vibe but like
It just makes me want to fucking light a blown up dude
Just grab my longboard
And then go kill
everybody at sears like like bring a gun to sears and kill everybody scar sarcasm is know it oh
close your eyes and i'll blow your whole house up because i'm fucking
dude it like i just it was i never knew anybody that was like that like call it a short fuse or
whatever but it just it it was sad but like looking back on it like it it was funny because
it's like we all still love the guy and obviously you want the best for somebody like you're all
fucked ups you all do stupid shit you're all kind of mentally ill and losers in your own fucking way
but his version of going insane was just so much
funnier than everyone else's because me it's like mine was pathetic i was like everybody fucking
hates me man i can't fucking keep living like this i'm fucking drunk all day nobody likes me
everybody's like you're all right man you know and then like you know my buddy fucking other guy
like sean or whatever is just like dude i gotta gotta start working out I got it like, you know, like he was just kind of like really like, you know
Fucking like guy insecurity and then everybody else is just kind of like a functioning drunk and then Brendan's like man
You ever listen to fucking?
You'll ever listen to like?
JPEG Mafia or like Jay did like any of that conscious rap you ever listen to J Cole and you're like man
I fucking think the
soul is such a beautiful thing and and then you go outside and you start kicking all the squirrels
as hard as you can till they start shaking and like they're spitting up blood and stuff
oh fuck yeah anyway yeah fucking shout out to that guy i don't know what i haven't heard
a kinder fucking tale from that motherfucker in years but uh it's just because everybody dude
everybody i'm still pretty well acquainted with that whole group like i see or hear from him
at least once a month yeah i i talked to fucking talk to you know ed didn't live with us
but he was a part of the crew i talked to ed every fucking you know all the time i talked to
cameron and all them but like him i'm just like he just do you know how it's like when dave mustang
got kicked out of metallica for being an alcoholic and it's like how much do you have to drink to get
kicked out of metallica how fucked up do you have to be to get booted from a friend group of mentally ill alcoholic drug addicts?
Like how?
Like, I mean, I guess.
Blowing up an apartment, Goodfellas style, like mob movie style, like that level of fucking stupid, you know, but like like just like I is like how how bad does it got to be to be like, man, we can't hang out with this anymore.
I know that we just spent the last two weeks snorting fucking morphine and breaking our TV because the UFC fight glitched out for half a second.
But you can't hang out with this anymore, man.
You got to go throw cats off your patio somewhere else.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
Fuck.
Anyway, guys, everybody's got a friend in their life that's a tough one Fuck, anyway guys
You know, everybody's got a friend in their life that's fucked up
If you got a friend in your life that's fucked up
You should tell them to
Head on over to patreon.com
Slash pandeo time
And
Throw us five bucks a month
You get an extra episode a week
That's four a month if you do your fucking math
If you do your fucking math you do your fucking man uh you get an extra episode once a month four times
yeah yes sir and that's what's that's 50 52 free ones a year yeah um and uh 10 bucks a month gets
you all that shit also you get discord access Discord access. If you joined the fucking Patreon and you didn't get Discord access,
please send me a message on Instagram or Twitter.
Don't follow my Instagram.
What the fuck did I say there?
Or through the Discord.
I mean, through the Patreon app.
Yeah, send us a message on the Patreon app.
Yeah, if you signed up and you're a Patreon sub, reach out to me,
and I will give you an invite.
The way Patreon does it is if your patreon email and your discord email are the same they auto add you but if for
whatever reason you like me you have like 16 different emails because you keep forgetting
passwords for shit um yeah uh so reach out to me if you don't have that uh 10 bucks a month get
you all that plus a video episode a month.
Thomas is coming over this weekend.
We're going to film that.
Yeah, just the drive itself.
We won't be doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
$50 a month gets you everything, and then nothing extra.
You can just be a cool guy with money, I guess.
We got a surprise for you guys.
I'm not going to spoil the surprise.
I actually don't know.
Thomas, no, you know what I'm talking about?
Yep.
I don't have any idea when it's supposed to happen,
but it's supposed to be within the next five business days
that it's supposed to be out.
Dude, I fucking love business days.
Yeah.
Hell yeah, bro.
So if you like...
If you like snuff films, you're going to love this.
Yeah, if you like snuff films, me and Thomas have been making so many.
That's why the video episodes have been late because we have to clear them with local authorities first.
But, no, we got something cool coming out.
I got it all squared away and sent out.
So it should be available pretty soon.
Once it is, because I don't really even know how that shit works, I'll post it.
It's basically going to be a thing that's
awesome. We put a ton
of work into it. That's what it is.
We're all going to be millionaires,
including you guys. Yeah, you guys
are really going to like it. I don't know if you guys know
who Dave Chappelle is, but that's a little
hint. A little hint.
Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K.
Shane Gillis. If you guys have ever heard
of bill hicks yeah we uh george carlin yeah we got those guys on the horn and did a really great
video up with them and it's dropping soon yeah i don't know if you guys have heard of the btk
yeah i don't know the yeah you guys know about the toy box killer but uh
You guys know about the Toy Box Killer.
Anyway, check that shit out.
I'm a real ass hood buddy from the south.
And if all of you guys that downloaded these episodes and listened to them were to subscribe to the show.
I know that you only lose money in that transaction.
But in a way, you find ways to make money.
Yeah, because you get to join the Padeo Dime Discord. And and like two three people have gotten each other jobs on there i think so if you got
five bucks a month and you want to make like 40 grand a year working for the city boy and i don't
think any i don't think anybody has enough game in there to where anyone's been groomed as far as i
know yeah if so reach out to me i guess yeah we've got a mod who will handle that
stuff uh but yeah if all of you guys sub me and thomas could fucking retire early that would be
awesome because both of us um i get arthritis if i write my name too many times so yeah you know
and jake uh he's uh he gets hit by a car every day.
So, you know, we all have our problems in life.
Anyway.
Listen to the show.
Sub to the show.
We got to go.
Bye.