Pendejo Time - doochie

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

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He speeded in the Wraith with his hand on my duchy. You hear that song, Jake? No, no, no, I don't. I had to listen to the radio today because my phone died in the car. Mm-hmm. And so I checked out to see if there's been any new developments in AM radio, and there have not, so I switched over to the brand-new FM radio. Mm-hmm. And there have not, so I switched over to the brand new FM radio.

I was listening to a little 97.9 The Beat, K104. I tried to listen to some gospel music. I didn't really like it. Can't do it, man. Can I ask you, I like some of the old like country gospel stuff. Like I genuinely think it's good, but I think around, around like 2012, maybe they started doing the stomp clap thing and they never stopped. Like, like new gospel music is like, and we go to get it out, get it out. And when you get out of your grave and you wasn't, everybody's gone.

Yeah, the 1975 stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was big, too. The new shit. I don't know. I mean, I haven't really kept up with it the last, you know, 10 years or so, I guess. So you're sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

You were listening to the radio. Gospel wasn't cutting it. Well, yeah, I didn't mean to interrupt. You were listening to the radio. Gospel wasn't cutting it. Well, yeah, I was just trying to find something. And it's funny when you listen to the radio nowadays, because for me, I listen to the radio maybe once a year. Yeah. It's like if I'm in an Uber, maybe I'll just be subject to the radio. just be subject to the radio or you know but i always forget how famous chris brown still is yeah and it throws me off because like every pop station like like chris brown is i mean

obviously he's still putting out music i guess it's still very successful he's still like a big pop star but in my head i guess just because of the circles i've been in also you listen to streaming so it's like you listen to like what you really enjoy or maybe you'll like throw a mix on or something yeah like the last time i heard a chris brown song was because it came on shuffle when i was listening to young thug and i thought yeah when He probably made this song a really long time ago And nope it's from like last year Oh Yeah

Alright You know I uh Whenever my phone dies or It's always when my phone dies Dude weirdly enough Like the last four Ubers I've gotten in Have they been playing the stomp clap gospel stuff

Like to fucking I love I love it I love Jesus Christ And I'm like Oh that's fine i wish you'd turn it down a little bit but it is pretty loud but when i'm in a car i don't i obviously like it's not like pop country sucks that's kind of like the whole thing that it sucks like 20 years ago it was invented like after 9-11 or whatever to like sell more hats with fish hooks on them and to sell

more like lift kits for trucks but it's really bad dude like the other day I was coming back from the mechanic shop and it's kind of out there in the middle of the sticks like right outside San Marcos and my phone died so I just like turn on the FM thing same thing in it and all I listened to it for like 15 minutes on the way back home and each song was about was some version of where i'm from we got too much catfish where i'm from we got a lot of family like it was it was that stuff like where i'm from we it's better there um the town i'm from is smaller than your town My family We're tougher than your family And I was like

I'm sure I'm going to run into Some Childers or something at some point Or like something But no the second song was the same thing You know My wife she's small My house it's small My dog

Is good Like just Everything is small And good And loyal Yeah I like the I like the Morgan Wallen

Stuff Cause it's so That shit's also really great It's so It's so formulaic That it makes me laugh Like I was I listened to a

Morgan Wallen song today And it was like It was like Every night night sweep you off your feet, looking for a bottle, grab it, smoke a cigarette, and then I kiss you in the rain. And we're fighting, and I'm back at your mama's house, hugging your mom, and then we go to the baseball game, and you're mad at me, and now we're grown up just look at us two puppet dogs in a pool and we're getting divorced and then we kiss you at school and it's

so everyday living and i'm wearing boots and i drive my truck and you're wearing hula hoops you know yeah no it's like it's like he can say anything in the song and it's the same he's like I drive my truck and you're wearing hula hoops. You know? Yeah. No, it's like, it's like he can say anything in the song and it's the same. He's like, used to suck my dad's dick and it was fun. It's like, yeah. Like it doesn't, he could say anything. It's always, cause you never have to be paying attention to the music. Yeah. You know, no, no, no.

He could be like, he could, he could like 9-11 didn't happen and nobody would know. Right. Nobody knows. I mean, I know people know the words to his songs. He's very popular. I understand he's like the country Drake right now or whatever. Him and Luke Bryan. Yeah, yeah.

That's a very good. Yeah, it's apt. Very, very. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I tried to like Luke Bryan. He's not as poppy or whatever. Right. But I hate when guys sing, and they have a good voice, but they're doing something with their voice that I don't know how to describe.

Where they're doing something with their throat or whatever to to make it like to make the their voice try and sound sexier and you can tell yeah i know what you mean yeah it's kind of like it's kind of like the oh like yeah yeah like by the Down by the Down by the creek Oh yeah It's like Like when guys Try and do a

Like And I'm guilty of this too But anytime I Like sing to Tyler Childers in my car I try and sing like Tyler Childers And I don't have his voice

Right So I'm just I'm just fucking Blowing out my vocal cords Yeah Yeah You try to Whenever I do the Sturgill Like I try to do the Sturgill Like I don't have his voice. So I'm just I'm just fucking blowing out my vocal cords. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever I do the Sturgill, like I try to do the Sturgill like like but I just sound like a fucking like just like a like a like a fucking VTech with a blown head. Like I just don't.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll spend all my money on. I just sound like Satchmo. Like I'm not fucking. Yeah. I'm not capable of hitting that grit because I don't, I don't have it and that's okay. But I think there is some, like, there's some, that other side of the radio country genre, it's like the two that you're allowed to make are like, yeah, like my house is smaller than your house.

And my family is more loyal and my town is whatever and the other half is like let's get so drunk that we get married and then let's be terrible parents to our child not on purpose let's just fight so much that the kid doesn't understand fundamentally how friendship works forever those are the two kind you get but morgan wallens is especially funny because his is like it's i know what you're talking about it's like he's like it's the pop country thing but there's like almost like a kurt cobain gravel to it it's like he's it's like a stream of consciousness. Like, I don't know.

Like, yeah, it's like if you brought Kurt Cobain's tortured soul back and you were like, oh, you are owned by Universal Studios now. So we're going to use your Vocaloid for whatever we want. Hey, grunge is now only for guys. Lloyd for whatever we want. Hey, grunge is now only for guys. It's only for pipe fitters who pay $900 a month for their Duramax. That is exactly what grunge is.

So have at it, buddy. You can do it. I wonder to what extent. Like, we were at the house when we were doing the episodes with Alex. And we were just like, last night we lit the liquor. Like, that is such a fucking. Have you heard the one with Post Malone yet? Oh, yeah, the one that's like, I'm an alcoholic,

but it is pretty cool because my friends are also that. Yeah, whatever the fuck. I had some help. Pull a bottle off the shelf, and they're both like 40. Yeah, well, it's like. I know they're not 40, but like imagine like you and your 30 year old like you and your both 30 and you're both making that song

and like you can make music and be 30. That's not like an old age music. Right, no, I get it. But like you're making this song that's like oh my god, like what if we were bad tonight? Like just me and my boy if we were bad tonight like you're making my boy and we were just bad all night we drank oops we got really drunk and we did something bad you're making like rich kid like country wigger music that's exactly that's the only

a very certain type of like snapback placed on top of the head and like, you know, fucking like a lot of Columbia shit and just lifted truck. Yeah, like that's yes. The the like like music that you. Music that you get an M.I.C. to like that's the best way I can describe it, like two 30 year old guys, alcoholics making music for 16 year old guys to drink alcohol to in some South Carolina, like a small, um, but very wealthy Southern family Bay town. You know what I mean? Like that, that type of shit. And I get it. Like, listen, I'm going to, I'm going to own up to something. When you're on the boat, and one of my buddies from Dallas, rich guy, also kind of, we hung out on his boat, and he listened to that shit for eight hours. And we listened to it on the boat. When you're on the boat, and you're drunker than the day is long, and it's like 110 degrees, and you're having like mild heat stroke, that shit does bang.

But you have to give yourself an IQ of of like 12 you know what i mean like you have to kind of like make your shit not work at all to really like truly appreciate it i guess yeah it's like stoners in their reggae well it's just yeah it's just it is funny to morgan wallen like that that song specifically i'm sure they were writing it before he got in trouble with the cops. But to still release that song is like a big summertime banger, like by the pool drinking your Miller Lite with your best girl. And y'all are going to take dad's truck out and go fucking knock each other up in a cornfield or something. To release that song after you like throw a chair off of like a bar balcony and almost like hit a bunch of cops in the head. And then like every other video of Post Malone, somebody's like, are you sober?

And he's like, just like, well, it's like, OK, well. It's a banger, I guess, you know, but it is. You're asking people to help you and to stop giving you alcohol. But that song is only going to be played at places where people are about to get DUIs. Like for sure. Oh, is post malone getting sober i feel like i've seen like two interviews where it's like oh he was like trying to not just be like just go crazy he's like i'm slowing down uh the funniest interview i saw was like yeah i've like slowed down on my smoking it was like oh he's like i'm at two packs a day right now and i was like that is not slow i that's not slow it's pretty fast

actually but he probably just takes he's so rich he takes one puff off each one and throws them away maybe but it's like i do think he's such a pussy dude he he and i are the two most famous graduates of or alumni of Tarrant County College, and we're going to battle to the death. I guess neither of us graduated. I'll be honest. I like some of them. We're both equally famous, I would probably say.

I mean, I don't want to gas him up too much, but I feel like he's really been trying to fucking hop on my wave lately and like be like, oh, I'm from like around the same Metroplex as Thomas from Twitter. And I'm like, dude, literally fucking get off my ass, dude. You're like fucking schizophrenic. Fucking leave me alone. Like, stop sending

me mail. Stop sending me carrier pigeons to my house. Quit fucking putting gum wrappers in my car. You know I don't eat gum. Quit leaving fucking old beer cans in the trunk of my car, you weirdo. Quit fucking sending me electricity bills that aren't mine. Yeah, quit sending me debt collectors to my house. Hey, Post Malone, why are you fucking sending me my neighbor's mail? Just because she has the same address that I've chosen for myself recently.

Why do you come into my apartment and change my cat's food but just a little bit so I think maybe it was the food I was always buying, but it's not. Oh, you're making them, you're buying all the frozen buffalo pizzas at Trader Joe's so I can't have any. Cool. Yeah, you changed my toothpaste out to a kind I used to use when I was 10 years old and they don't have any more

so I have some sort of weird flashback to a time when life was much easier. Oh, you're eating all the blue toothpaste so i can't okay post you're on notice buddy you're post malone more like uh more like carl malone because you got a 10 year old uh pregnant i don't think that's true i don't think that that's true i don't i don't it's not she was 13 oh yeah that's right that's's right. Yeah, teenager. Did you know that until 2021, it was the age of consent in Alaska was four? The what of consent?

The age of consent in Alaska was four years old until 2021. I did not know that. That's pretty crazy. Yeah. What about so wait, it was until four years ago it was four? Until three years ago, yeah, in Alaska it was four. The age of consent was four years old? Yeah.

Now, is that because it's dark over there a lot and it, like, fucks with people's minds or, like, they're at the season? I don't know if they measure time differently okay i think every time they get i think every time it gets dark they think it's a new year oh okay so i was just gonna say maybe the person isn't four they're like maybe they're like yeah maybe they're four days old okay yeah but i don't think it's right i don't think that was right. I don't think that was right that that's what the law was for so long.

I think... Oh, wait. Actually, now that I look, that's for elk. That makes way more sense. Oh, the age of consent for having... The age of consent for elk was four years old. Now, is that elks fucking, or is that people fucking the elk? That's for elks having sex.

That's what the park rangers do. They make sure that all the... The calves aren't getting... The birds and everything are of age. It's like stopping a moose having sex mid-thrust. Just like getting gored and launched 18 feet in the fucking air. Nah, you can't fuck that little ass dog. You can't fuck... Remember that video?

Yeah, yeah. Where like he pulls up on them and like they're both just... Yeah, the big ass pit bull. Yeah, that little ass chihuahua. You can't fuck that little ass dog. That's nasty.

What were you about to say? Oh, I have a tick on me. Oh, shit. For real? Yeah. It's still on me. All right. Well, we'll deal with that later.

Oh, here it is. Oh. Was it like on your skin or was it on your clothes? Well, now it's on my shirt. I guess I was at the biter or something. Thomas gets a tick, everybody. Welcome to the Ticky Thomas. Does this supposed to have a white spot on it?

Yeah, some of them do. Like on their bodies. Alright, well this is a difficult sucker. I got a colored pencil. Are you trying to get it off your shirt or did it get on your body, on your skin? Thomas gets a tick. Thomas gets a tick. Thomas gets a tick.

Anyway, how is your weekend going to go, Jake? Did you get your tick off you? Did you get your tick? Look, I am asking the questions here. I didn't lose track of where it went. After trying to kill it with a colored pencil. It was on my shirt. It was on my body.

And then it became not on my body anymore, thankfully. That's okay. It was in my armpit. Oh, it was in your, like, on your, was it attached to you? Probably none of your business. It's not anymore.

Okay, you're fine. You're fine. Yeah. You can't get Lyme disease from ticks. Yeah, I don't really, I don't really care about them. This one.

No, it was alive for sure. Okay. Because it was crawling. So I think if its head about them. No, it was alive for sure. Okay. Because it was crawling. So I think if its head was still in there, it would... Anyway. Tick, white spot. Which kind? Yeah, ticky-toddy.

Tick, white? White tick. Tick, white spot. And it's two bugs, and they're dressed like different colored bugs. The Lone Star Tick. There we go. Oh, that's nice. He's a Texas boy.

Oh. That's nice. Lone Star Tick. These ticks attack humans more frequently than any other tick species in the eastern and southeastern states. What a piece of shit. Fuck him, then. He just got a big old white dot on the back of his boat. The first thing I see about it...

Oh, yeah, this is... You're fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This cocksucker has every different type of disease. Lone star tick bites will occasionally result in a circular rash And they can transmit diseases Very good If a Lone Star tick is found on the body

Use fine tip tweezers to grasp it As close to the skin surface as possible The Lone Star tick is unique in that it can transmit a molecule That causes Alpha Gal Syndrome Where you become a really cool girl And all your friends want to hang out with you and go to brunch with you because you're the lead bitch and they want to

fucking borrow your fucking clothes and they want to fucking borrow your makeup and they want to listen to your fucking stories. Just kidding. It's a food allergy to red meat. That'd probably, that'd suck for you. You like burgers and fucking beef sausage and steak and stuff.

Let's see. That'd probably, that'd suck for you. You like burgers and fucking beef sausage and steak and stuff. Mm-hmm. Let's see. What diseases? Bourbon virus. I can't get bourbon virus. I gotta drive later. Why are Lone Star ticks so dangerous? The spring and summer months are known for activities ranging from yard work to picnics and sunbathing.

Enjoying the outdoors is great for wellness, but it also carries the risk of insect bites of all types. That means ticks. Most people know that certain ticks can carry Lyme disease, but recently diagnosed with a lesser-known disease called Thomas's Gay Syndrome are spiking across the United States and South Jersey. We are seeing more ticks than ever, said Craig Bober, DO of Family Medicine Physicians at Inspira Medical Group Primary Care in Mantua. And different species are traveling to areas where they are spreading gay Thomas disease, where they have never been seen before. Leading research suggests that gay Thomas disease infects Thomas White of the DFW area

and turns him even more gayer than he was before. Perhaps so gay that it would cause a heat death in the universe and make everybody really mad at him. Typically associated with the eastern and central United States, but it spread north due to the warming climate and how gay Thomas is in general without the tick bite.

Here's what you need to know about these parasites. The symptoms of Thomas' gay syndrome and how to protect yourself. A. Characteristics of a lone star tick. We already know what they look like. Let's look at the symptoms. Symptoms of Gay-Ass Thomas Syndrome. People with Gay-Ass Thomas Syndrome may experience being Thomas and gay. I mean, that does

sound like... Well, I am Thomas. I'm not gay. Symptoms commonly appear two to six hours after being Thomas and being around a girl and being so reviled and disgusted that you have to leave the room to be around other guys. I haven't been around any girls. Symptoms of allergic reactions

caused by gay tolerance disease typically be not being able to be around women or be around anything that is masculine because it'll cause harm. Horrible news, guys. I just killed an adult female. Oh, guys, I just killed an adult female. Oh, Christ, I hate killing an adult female.

Earlier, guys, guys. Not an adult. Guys, earlier, I really did a fucking goofy. I killed an adult female with my hands. I killed an adult female with a colored pencil. God damn it. You guys aren't going to believe what happened earlier. I just really screwed the pooch.

I killed an adult female with my hands and with a pencil. I hate. Yeah, I will say I did just sort of, I didn't really see whether it killed it. And I did sort of just set it back down on my shirt. A dick body? You know, in terms of knowing where things are, probably best to know where that is.

Know where it is. And whether or not it's living or dead. Look, you know, it's good to have carpet. That's all I got to say. Oh, I found it. Okay. Well, maybe throw it, take it to the fucking, throw it out gotta say. Oh, I found it. Okay. Well, maybe throw it... Take it to the fucking...

Throw it out the window. I'll be right back. Yeah, go do your thing, man. I'm gonna go suck its dick. It's all good. Just kidding. Welcome, everybody, to Thomas' going, I think, to throw the dick in the trash corner. Brought to you by Pfizer.

Pfizer, we make all the stuff that's good for you. If you don't fucking take this shit, then you're a bad person. Straight up, dude. If you don't want to fucking have different types of medications and all sorts of shit that make you strong, then you're fucking not a good guy, dude.

You're a straight up piece of shit. And we'll get you fired from your job at Lowe's. This has been brought to you by GlaxoSmithKline. GlaxoSmithKline, we make fucking soaps and hormones and shit, I think. Maybe, I don't know. I don't know who makes the hormones. This has been brought to you by Fender Guitars.

Fender, we used to make shit that's cool and now everything fucking sucks and it's $3,000, bitch. And all of our pickups are fucking dog shit. This has been brought to you by toyota toyota nothing's reliable anymore not even toyota uh this has been brought to you by dodge dodge the only cool things we made we got rid of them and we're gonna make more shit that sucks uh this has been brought to you by ford ford you know the mustang that you like a lot we turned it fucking gay as hell it sucks dick and it doesn't make any sound and it's not even cool at all,

and it has none of the things that ever made it cool, and we named it the Mach-E. This has been brought to you by Tesla. Tesla, spend $80,000 to be a fucking universally hated homosexual with something that doesn't run and burns so hot that it takes three days for the fire department to put it out. This has been brought to you by fucking Bain Capital. Bain Capital.

Mitt Romney is probably a closeted gay man. I have no proof of that, but he just kind of looks like it. I hope so. Probably why he's so fucked up. Hey, Thomas, how long have you been over there? I've been back pretty much the whole time. Oh, okay. Why did you let me do all this shit?

I didn't want to interrupt you. I was waiting for a pause, but you do speak quite consistently, I will say. Thanks, man. Yeah. You didn't have to. I didn't want to interrupt any punchlines. There was none. That's not about a very funny person, but it's.

That's not true, Jake. Come on. Come on. Give yourself a pat on the back, Jake. Hey, let's all pat Jake's back. Hey, come on, Jake. Hey, Jake, come on. Go over Jake. Hey, let's all pat Jake's back. Hey, come on, Jake. Hey, Jake, come on.

Go over here. I got something to show you. Give yourself a suck on the balls, young man. That was a great throw. I'm thirsty, so I'm glad I brought a cup of fucking ice over with no water in it. Yeah, get yourself a cold glass of ice. Get yourself a cold glass of ice and sugar with no liquid at all. How'd you know this was Baja Blast ice? I don't know.

You drinking a Baja Blast right now? You fucking drinking? I basically drank it already. You know what's sad is I got a fucking box without even... I got one of the... The Cravings deals? The $5 motherfuckers? I got the deluxe and then I got an extra taco.

Very good. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't even fucking look at what was in the box. I just saw deluxe and I went, oh yeah. Yes, sir. That was it. Papa's fucking, Papa's fucking living it up tonight. Yeah.

Because I tried to call in a fucking order for this, from this deli. Mm-hmm. I tried to call in a fucking order from this deli And I wasn't even really mad about it But it made me laugh This place closes at 9 And I call it like 749 Which in my head I'm like

Okay, giving them over and over Yeah, that's plenty of time Typically the 30 minute mark is a bad mark The girl told me they stopped taking orders at 745 That's fine. Yeah, that's plenty of time. Typically, the 30-minute mark is a bad mark. The girl told me they stopped taking orders at 745. That's so awesome. She just didn't want to deal with it. Yeah, it was four minutes after 745, and I was like, okay, no worries. And she goes, yep, bye-bye, and hangs up.

That's so badass. And I was like, you know what? That's okay. I don't fucking care. Yeah. And I was like, you know what? That's okay. I don't fucking care.

Yeah. I mean, like, I don't need a sandwich from a specific place, really. I just need a sandwich. So, you know. I remember where they were. Taco Bell used to have these things called Fertista freezes. I don't know what a Fertista is, but I'm pretty familiar with stuff that's frozen. You is a fruity Autista. I'm an familiar with stuff that's frozen. You is a fruity autistic.

I'm an autistic homosexual Latina woman. Is that what you're trying to say? I don't know, man. I was kind of shooting from half court. I was trying to piece it together, so maybe we just alley-ooped that one. That'll work. But no, I fucking I

got one of those deluxe things too. This was like, I was in high school. I got one of those deluxe things too, and I had a bottle of like Kentucky deluxe in the car. And I was like, oh, like at that age, I guess I was like 17. This didn't really stop until like maybe a few years ago. But at that time, if i thought to myself oh this would taste good with alcohol and i had alcohol on me i would just mix the drink or if i was at the house i'd be like that tastes good it would taste really good if it had six dollar

whiskey in it so i was just in the drive-thru after i you know they give you your drink first and then you wait for your food uh sometimes yeah she gives me that i take a sip it's like a slushy it's got really thick syrup in it and i was like wow that's super good what if i put kentucky gentleman in here and so i reach back uh in the back seat of my ford crown victoria and i grabbed the kentucky deluxe i had it under my seat and then i pour it into the vertertista Freeze, and then I sip it. And then I look to the left of me, and the guy is holding my bag of food, and he just saw me pour the remainder of a fifth into my Fertista Freeze, which I guess wouldn't be that big of a deal. People are alcoholics. People got places to be.

Sometimes you got to drink and drive. But I think it's just because I was very boyish at that age. I probably looked like I was 14 years old like getting my dad some food or something. So it's just like that guy was just like, hey, hey, party time. Right. And I was like, no, no, no parties. Just going to eat this in the car at the beach, like at the. Like just at Clear Lake, Texas. It's not even really a beach. It's more of like a brackish body of water.

Yeah. Eat this alone. I love when you go like the same thing. You go to the liquor store or you go to the gas station and you get a bunch of beer. And the fucking cash register guy is like, oh, party time. And you know, in your mind, there is no party time. It's just you, baby. It's just you, yourself, and fucking the MTV Unplugged Alice in Chains album.

There ain't no party. But you got to say there is. You can't be honest with the guy. You know what I mean? You can't say, no, I'm going to drink all 24 of these beers and think about killing myself. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I got a bunch of friends coming over. We're going to hang out. You know what i mean you can't say no i'm gonna drink all 24 of these beers and think about killing myself uh yeah it's like yeah i got a bunch of friends coming over we're gonna hang out you know what i mean yeah we um honestly we're gonna go to the beach tonight so it's gonna be pretty fun uh and so we all these we got these hot girls that love uh And so we got these hot girls that love Coors Banquet Tall Boys.

We've got all these sexy, hot girls that love buzz balls and camel Turkish Royals and rogue wintergreen pouches. They're really hot, and they're real, and they have a lot of money, and they love me, and that's it. And me and all my guy friends, we get boners from them. Yeah, we get boners from how many girls there are that like to drink. Oh, dude. Dude, how do you get all these girls here? I got a boner.

Yeah, all of these steel reserves and fucking grizzly wintergreen is for all these girls that I live with that give me boners. Can I get a honey pack? Can I get a honey pack? And yeah, and then this 24-pack of Bud Ice. I'm going to go have sex with my mechanic. I'm going to go fuck the guy who works at Chiffy Lube Yeah, yeah Yeah, buying like two Mickeys And a 12 pack of Bud Ice

And asking for three honey packs Be like, yeah, I gotta go fuck my mechanic later Fuck I gotta go do He packs and be like, yeah, I got to go fuck my mechanic later. Fuck. I got to go do getting molested by dad's friend. Yeah, I got to go fuck my friend's dad later. Oh, my God. Yeah.

He fucked me when I was nine, so I got to get it back. I got to get him back. I've been training for 20 years. I became an alcoholic who can't maintain his friendships, but I'm going to get him back. I'm going to go. You're training with the Ra's al Ghul of counter-molesters. Counter-molesting? Yeah.

Just doing one of those, like, you know those, like, instructionals that the MMA guys do? They, like, show you how to throw, like, a combo or something, but you're like, now, what's going to happen is in this situation, you're going to be at your dad's friend's place, and your dad's going to go to the store to get beer. All right?

And under normal circumstances, your dad's friend's going to sit next to you, and he's going to ask if you've ever watched any movies with nudity in them. Now, normally, this leads to a really bad place, but thankfully, you bought Thomas White and Jake Rhodes' counter-molesting seminar. Before he can even slide his calloused hand down your fucking Spider-Man underoos, you're

going to fucking pull his goddamn Carhartts down and suck the shit out of his penis without him having to ask. And he's going to hate that. Because the whole power dynamic is thrown off. He's just going to say, you know what, leave me alone. He's going to say, leave me alone. I didn't want this. Yeah, an eager nine-year-old is not what he was looking for.

He was mostly wanting the chase. Because every pedophile, you know, wants the chase. You know what I mean? There's got to be at least one active pedophile who listens to the show. You ever think about that? No, for sure, man. For sure. Like, I think I sometimes you got to work on not doing that for sure.

Yeah. PSA. Please stop. Please. Please stop being attracted to children. It's pretty. It sucks. Pretty. And it's pretty, It sucks. It's pretty easy.

You know, well, I don't know. I've never... Maybe it's... Maybe it's hard. You know, maybe it's kind of like trying heroin. Yeah. You know, it's like people say it's easy to quit heroin, but I've never tried it. And that's...

There's a reason I haven't tried it, you know what I mean? But I feel like... No, I feel like... Jesus Christ. I weirded that weirdly weirded that word baby i feel like i feel like i could pretty much watch as much child pornography as i wanted and i would just not even like not even enjoy it at all i can look as somebody who really liked opiates for a long time i can tell you opiatesates feel pretty good. I will say I would much prefer a heroin addiction to a...

Yeah, being a heroin addict is cool for a little while. Well, it's cool for a little while. And also, you say you're a recovering heroin addict, people kind of think, oh, this guy went through something really hard. And even if he relapses, he'll get a little sympathy. Because it's like, like okay it's heroin if you're like yeah i'm really trying to stop watching child pornography yeah people are going

to be like yeah if you ever do that again i think we have to kill you yeah you're not really i think if you have to get blown up if an alcoholic relapses it's like his family comes together you know uh they they try to get him into another rehab or you know they try to get him into a sober living facility if somebody tells his friends and family hey i um yeah i was a pedophile and i stopped and i'm a pedophile again yeah i think they just i think they just take you out back behind the barn they just shoot you in the chest or something i mean or you get to become like a powerful unless you got like a mean jump shot yeah yes i was about to say unless you're like a powerful guy or you're

funny or you have like any amount of leverage or you work for the cia or massage or something or fbi or maybe you're like an investor or you're just like a judge or basically if you're just like a judge Basically If you're just not a poor pedophile Dude they should make an episode of Spongebob Where he gets cancelled They should They should man What do you think about that Like a cancelled culture Spongebob episode

That would be crazy Yeah where Patrick like I don't know like an old Mr. Krabs gets me, dude. Yeah, if anybody was going to, I think it'd be him. You know what I mean? It'd be Mr. Krabs, and then SpongeBob gets to run the story,

and by the end, they find out that Mr. Krabs did a better job all along, and that the whole movement was flawed. What? Just like the reddest, most balding guy at Nickelodeon Pitching that episode specifically Clearly he's never gotten pussy a day in his life Yeah, so Mr. Krabs He gets me too

And then Squidward and Patrick have to come together to run an restaurant, and they run it so bad they run into the ground, and as it turns out, women are wrong and bad the whole time.

Turns out all the fish were lying. Turns out all the girl fish are whores. They're stupid whores. And they just wanted to be cashiers at the Krusty Krab. Yeah, they wanted me for all my money.

They wanted Mr. Krabs' dollars. Yeah, it turns out that if you cancel Mr. Krabs, then Plankton takes over. Yeah, which is, you know, choose the lesser of two evils. Which one do you want to choose? Plankton seems to me like a guy who his wife's a computer so i guess it doesn't really matter all that much yeah and honestly there's a lot of similarities nowadays with that with real life due to the technologies of ai when you think about it yeah yeah for sure i've been rewiring my brain lately to be able to interpret every intrusive thought as something really profound.

Oh, there we go. Okay, yes, but that is annoying, but I know exactly what you mean. Yes, it's very annoying. So I'll think something that a guy would think, and then I'll immediately say it before i'm even done thinking it sometimes at work um and i do that a lot it you know it causes issues with my loved ones and it's becoming rapidly just who i am and it was never that funny to begin with but it's something that passes time you know know, you know, sort of like that movie Inception. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's it's funny to be at a place where your friends want to unwind and like maybe you go to your buddy's like pool party or something. And they've all had a really long day or a week at work or whatever. And they don't they don't want you to do any of that. But you do it because that's why they invite you around. You know what I mean? Everything anybody says, you're like, yeah, it's the woke mind virus. That's probably why.

And they're like, no, I was just talking about how weddings are expensive. Yeah, it's because of gender. It's because of gender and the mind virus and because people are... Well, nobody wants to work anymore because Joe Biden's sucking on my feet every time I try and go to sleep. Yeah, everybody... Yeah, more like blue cities because Joe Biden keeps coming into my room and getting me like 60% hard and leaving, which really pisses me off. Yeah.

Zendaya is in the movie Challengers now. What is she, a car? What is sheengers now What is she a car? What is she driving? What is she a professional car driver? Yeah And you see nowadays with all the movies It's like oh we've got Dune 2 What are you doing to make the next movie?

Dune 3? Yep Yeah Yeah And you know you'll see that a lot of days now with the politics nowadays. Yeah. With the way that the political system works, which I remember from school, is that you have Joe Biden and you have his, like, assistant or something. And the problem is that Joe Biden made all the gas go up

and he made all the food expensive. So that makes me play fight with my wife too hard and it makes me only love one of my sons, but not the other one. Yeah, my secretary said I can't put my hand in her mouth anymore until I get vaccinated. Yeah, my... My secretary said I can't put my hand in her mouth anymore until I get vaccinated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As it turns out, you're not allowed under Joe Biden's America to grab women's breasts at the public library anymore. Talk about blue cities. Talk about liberal fascism, ladies.

Yeah. I you know, we used to old women would set pies out on their windowsills, and you could smell it walking down the neighborhood. And we all used to titty-fuck my friend's mom when we were nine. And now you get up and you have to have your vaccine every day, and your latte is $100. And you can't order at Starbucks without them asking what your preferred pro mounds are. Yeah. And you have to vote for the vaccine every year to see what diseases it's going to give you.

And you can't even go and tank a gas for a Model T costs $100,000. Yeah, it's crazy. It really is. It really is. And before you know it, we're going to have all the cars electric from all the... Because you know what they're using the gas for? Vaccines.

Yeah, they're putting it in. There's mercury in there. There's autism. There's fucking gay shit. There's gas. There's unleaded. There's fucking PNG, LNG. And they're using all the corn

to put it in the gasoline so we can't have popcorn anymore. Yeah. Yep. And they're taking away our gas stoves and making us use fucking wood-fired ovens, which is woke, I think. I can't keep up with what cooking style is gay and what is

masculine and what is liberal and what is conservative and what is communist and what is patriot. I forget. I think electric stoves are gay. I think gas stove is conservative and base. I think wood fired stove is like you are fucking like, you

know, big ass fucking Hitler guy. And then I think maybe like a butane stove is like the, you're like in the middle. Anyway, y'all. Girl, if your man got a wood fire stove, his ass a hobo. Y'all gonna be train hopping on the first date. Girl, your boyfriend got a stick and bendle. He just throwing a burlap sack over his shoulder and just fucking whistling Dixie just into the distance, off into the horizon.

Y'all gonna have your first kiss and you're gonna have to duck. Bridge coming up, sweetheart. Yeah. You know what I was laughing at earlier? What? It's not even very funny. I was laughing at what if what if Scorpion from Mortal Kombat

was just like a normal guy and he's like hey man can you come over here for a second hey dude could you just just for a second

I just have something I want to tell you hey man come on over here man just for like just a minute just I just wanted to talk

to you for a second but he still did all the cool stuff and like ripped your chest out and fucking stomped on your balls and like poured your bottom jaw off but he was just like hey dude just i really mean to like talk to you for a little while that was just making me laugh but i blame gas station uh weed for it and you're good i'm sorry i don't know what mortal Kombat is. Mortal Kombat has a guy in it. I've heard of it, and it's not a super old thing. I just didn't grow up with it.

No, I understand. There's a guy in there named fucking Scorpion, and he goes, get over here! And then he shoots a fucking chain at you with a hook on it, and he yanks your shit. Okay, I got you. Yeah, but I was trying to... I'm sure it landed more with the audience than with me.

I'm sorry, I was trying to piece it together, but I just don't know what it is. You turn your camera back on and the tick is like the size of a smart car just latched onto your neck. You're like, I don't really know, dude. I felt bad. I thought I could just smush it and it would be dead as hard as fuck. Yeah, they're really hard to kill, dude. They are hardy son of a bitches. You have to like hear them pop.

And even then, sometimes their claws can still latch on to you. They suck. Yeah, it's definitely still alive, but it's outside now. But this is what I get. That's what I deserve. What about they let me rewrite the Whisper song? And it's like, wait till you see how bad it really gets. Wait till you see how.

Wait till you see my tics. Wait till you see my tic. Wait till you. Wait till you see my tic. Wait till you. I went to Mineral Wells Lake as a kid one time, and I had a tic latch on to my penis. I think you told me that like the second time we ever did this show. Or maybe it was when we split Call of Duty before we started. It was black.

That's not my penis. Right. I figured as much. My penis is not black. You ever had a leech? Like a leech? I have not. Have you?

Just the one time when I was younger. I did. Boy, you ever had you a leech? Boy Boy Boy you ever had you a leech Oh my god We are Charlie just don't let go Take all

She gonna bite on your neck Take all your blood out You think it's like You think it's like You think it's like An old black guy story About like getting your dick Sucked really good And it's just like a vampire

It's about a parasite That girl LaLeach She gonna She gonna Give you a disease Yeah she's You can find her In many fresh water lakes

She She's not very nice To have on your body And can cause blood diseases Yo baby girl If you could have Any blood disease Not very nice to have on your body and can cause blood diseases. Oh, baby girl. If you could have any blood disease, what would it be? I would probably choose blood cancer. I used to lay awake at night and look up.

It's the worst one right now. Yeah, blood cancer. Cancer of the thing that can't leave my body Dude like when I hear about people Getting like bone cancer I know you can survive stuff like that But like just to my human brain Compared to other

I hear bone cancer and I'm like oh you're fucked You're so fucked Like you hear breast cancer And even though that's like really Gnarly You're like oh you just take them off And that's like really gnarly like really really gnarly you're like you just take them off and that's all there is to it it doesn't ruin you emotionally and sort of gives you

your body dysmorphia forever fucks your hormones up it's just you rip them off it's fine yeah you just take them off girls don't need those we don't care it doesn't dramatically affect your quality of life forever yeah or what else ball cancer yeah prostate cancer just take your balls off I don't give a fuck affect your quality of life forever. Yeah. Or what else? Ball cancer?

Yeah, prostate cancer. Just take your balls off. I don't give a fuck. Colon cancer? Just toot it out. Just poop. But you're a bone or blood cancer, and you're like, that's not even a type of cancer.

Yeah, that's ultimate. That's like skull and crossbones. That's your whole fucking body. Yeah, that's everything, bro. That's like, i mean like like like skin cancer is so there's such a range for how bad that can be yeah but when somebody says skin cancer that sounds real bad it does well like dude it's funny the last two times and you know fucking knock on wood dude but like i've just had these nurses where I've had, like, mysterious complications that scare me a bit, so I go to the doctor.

And the last time, I had this pain, shooting pain that felt like it was in the center of my head. And I had a rash up my neck, and my lymph nodes were fucked up. And I went to this doctor, and she was like, that sounds like a geoblastoma. And I was like, oh, that sounds something that can be healed from really easy. When she filled me in, doc, on what's edge, she goes, that is a very dangerous type of brain tumor. You should go to an oncologist

or make an appointment with a PCP. I said, oh shit, I got brain cancer. So I freaked out and cried for a long time and then went to the doctor. It turns out I had brain cancer and a fungal infection in my scalp that made its way into like the lower level of my head. Right above my skull. The second one was when I had a bunch of mole on my leg that was just bleeding and scabbed over.

And yeah, the nurse was like, yeah, it looks like skin cancer. And I was like, oh, yeah. Can you take it off? And they were like, ah, well, yeah. I mean, you don't have insurance, right? And I was like, no. And they were like ah well uh yeah i mean you don't have insurance right and i was like no they're like that's really expensive and i was like you just told me i might have skin cancer if getting it off means i have to empty my bank account and sell like one of my nuts then just get it off my body like i don't understand, like, the last two times I had, like, a potentially major medical problem,

my nurses were, like, fucking, like, Abbott and Costello-ing me. They're like, well, you might be dying, but it is expensive to take care of it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care. Just get it off or whatever the fuck. Just get it, you know. Honestly, I would kind of fucking rock with some Zen cancer and maybe, like Like a motherfucking like

Like a nat like a natty light Cancer What would you feel about that like glizzy Cancer oh shit you got glizzy Cancer motherfucker you're gonna Be dope as fuck terminally Yeah that's some shit I would say if I like

If I was like fucking Awesome you know? Yeah, so the doctor. I'm kind of a fucking cool-ass New York guy now, so I say stuff like that. Oh, motherfucker, I got glisi cancer. The doctor will see you guys. I just want you guys to know the good.

First of all, he is a prodigy. He finished college at three and went to med school guys residency is one of the best oncologists in the world perhaps the best he is 16 and he is from Highland Park in Dallas and his dad is the DA so I just need you to understand that to understand his personality he's gonna give your son the diagnosis he's gonna take great care of him. But I'm warning you, the way he speaks and the way he is can be jarring.

Anyway, doctor, please tell the family what you were telling me in the reading room. Oh, shit, man. I've been looking at my phone. Yes, I think you got at my phone Yes I think you got Glizzy cancer

And I think you got Zen cancer motherfucker I'm gonna Prescribe you 12 natty lights at work Motherfucker And we're gonna Do something crazy

We're gonna set up a parlay On DraftKings Oh shit Yeah I hope it hits For the bros For the gang And yeah Fuck the vaccine And uh Basically Oh, shit. Yeah, I hope it hits for the bros, for the gang. And yeah, fuck the vaccine.

And basically, I diagnose you with motherfucking dopeness. Fuck Joe Biden. Yeah. And all I give a fuck about is partay, motherfucker. And go Israel. Yeah, so I told you guys. And like I said, I got to take my gloves off because I put blood in them on accident. But you all have a safe day.

God bless. Yeah, so like I said, his personality can be quite grating and jarring. But he is incredibly smart. So now that your son has been diagnosed with a glizzy cancer and terminal dopeness, your options are pretty limited at this point. But thankfully, he did provide you a list here of potential remedies. Some of them are more expensive than others. I'm going to read them off now. So, yeah, 12 Natty Lights for breakfast.

It says here, M-U-T-H-A-F-U-K-A. And then a lot of the emojis where he's stroking the chin and thinking. Then just the purple leg plant emoji 17 times. We're going to prescribe that for your boy.

And then here it says, two Zinni pillows tucked into the top-decker style, big dick forever, Donald Trump MAGA, fuck Joe Biden. Not quite sure what that means, but I do think that means prescribing your son a little bit of nicotine to stimulate, to stop the narcolepsy. Is that right, doctor?

Am I getting that correct? Hell yeah, motherfucker. Putting the zinni in the narcolepsy. Is that right, doctor? Am I getting that correct? Hell yeah, motherfucker. Putting the zentol in a girl's butt and a white claw. Yeah. Fuck the vaccine. I just, I'm sorry. Just like a, yeah, like a skinwalker trying to be like a Gen Z party guy. Just not, just like a cryptid that's just like a skin,

just a voice changer type Wendigo. Yeah. Pop in a Zinni, give her a girl alcohol until she dies. You're like hiking in the woods up in Appalachia and you see a guy with like a Jake Paul haircut and like a fucking big tall vallone tee and then just like fucking like a Stone Cold Steve Austin style jacket. And he's got two big fucking like dips in.

And you're like, oh shit, this guy could probably help me. Me and my wife are lost. Hey, hey buddy. Hey, how's it going? Your wife's like, I don't, he doesn't look right. The outfit isn't even really like Gen Z. It's like, it's a combination of things. And you just fucking, hey yo, yeah, y'all look like y'all need some help.

Big ass shotgunning beers and drinking twisted tea with my bros and taking business classes and getting my penis engulfed by a lady's mouth frat boy style. Yo, wait. Who ordered the back shots? Saturdays are for the vaccine. Something doesn't feel right about this guy babe I don't know if we should follow him into that hole in the woods Hey this is where the help is Police are your friends

And go Israel And fund Israel And fuck around and find out who these Universal healthcare gay gay. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, yo, uh, what, yo, glizzies on a Saturday?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chilling. Yeah, motherfucker, and come get a cup up on the grill. Yeah, and we like chillies. Yeah, chilly dogs. Yeah, chili dogs. Yeah, sports. One netty light, please, for the big cock motherfucker sucking on the zen.

Sports betting. Sports betting. Conor McGregor, Cristiano Ronaldo coming over to my house to hang out with me and the fellas, and we're going to have a good time, and you're invited. And that's how we get out of the woods. You just got to follow me into where my fellows are. Saturdays are for the hole in the ground. Yeah. New Kung Fu Kenny.

Oh, what y'all think? An analysis. Big net light. Having Saturdays on the party with the motherfucking. Yeah. Get some motherfucking Zinzi glizzies. Fuck Joe Biden. Baby said Joe Biden.

I'm scared. I don't know if we should follow him. I don't think he has our best interest in him. Oh, hell yeah. We're going to throw some brisket on the grill. We're going to throw some brisket on the Traeger Traeger grills, everybody.

Traeger for me. Are you Traeger'dills, everybody. Traeger for me. Are you Traeger yet? Yeah. Are you Traeger snowflake? Joe Biden. Joe Biden liberal. Dude, that would be a good shirt. Are you Traeger liberal? Yeah, dude.

Man, Padeo Time merch. Fucking run five. We already have a design. Fuck. All right, I got to make some calls. We haven't finished everything yet. But anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you Traeger liberal? Are you Traeger liberal? Are you Traeger liberal? Just one of their grills on fire. It's like, does not work. Traeger yet? And we just. Are you Traeger snowflake? And then it's a snowflake on the grill.

Oh, yeah. Are you Traeger snowflake? And the shape of the snowflake is the Star of David. Yeah. And then on the grill, it has both of our soft. We take pictures of both of our soft dicks, and we have those on the grill. Yeah, I think we could get those printed by the company that's been helping us out for the last year. I don't know.

It would need a lot of colors for mine. Yeah, mine's mostly brown, but it would probably be fine. I don't know anymore, man. I stopped asking questions. I'm one of those white guys where my dick and nuts are way tainter than the rest of my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just pictured, like, the crayon cut.

No, no, no, no, not like that. I know what you mean. I get almost four years into a podcast with a guy, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, mine's see-through. It's translucent like those weird fucked up frogs where you can see their hearts. Mine looks like a diagram where you're meant to see where all the blood vessels are. You know those fish where you can see their lungs and shit? That's what my fucking toad looks like. I got a deep sea dick. Looks like one of those jellyfish where you can see their fucking weird bodies and shit.

Yeah, that's okay. Your dick's fine, man. Thanks, buddy. Thank you. But yeah. Yeah, taking a big motherfucking hit off that zen and hopping in the motherfucking boat with the glizzies. Ripping on the Benjamin and getting inside my truck

and going out and having a dope Saturday at Applebee's with the boys where we listen to Creed. And we have a wonderful, sick-ass time. Just follow. Just come into the hole. Let me in your house. Let me in your house and we can have an awesome time for the boys on Saturdays with Joe Biden and a vaccine. Smoking a big motherfucking Marlboro cigarette with two fingers in my motherfucking boyfriend.

Yeah, fuck the vaccine. I'm gay. Fucking Chinese AI friend from college. Hey, long time no see. Let's go outside and I'll put a big cigarette on the grill and have a big Zen sleepover. Now put it in our fucking butt cheeks, dude, and put a top-decker two Zennies

for the boys' Nelk style. Enjoying beautiful gay sex in Guangdong Province, China. Taking large loads on my huge Chinese face. Yeah, so what we're trying to do with the AI thing, and Google got ahead of it, and OpenAI, Sam Altman, you know, fucking that guy. He got pretty far ahead, but we were trying to do... What we were trying to do here at Pandeo Time Technologies

is we were trying to make AI your friend from college. And not gonna lie, the prototype was pretty... He was pretty violent both physically sort of emotionally and sexually even at times uh thomas did a lot of the programming for the sexual violence i'm not sure why he made it that way uh and then i did a lot of the programming for um it being really cool but it failed because you know not a very cool guy but at least i didn't do the programming um for the sex th Thomas could you explain why you did that Why you made him so horny

I didn't mean to make him so horny I was trying to give him Organs Yeah I was trying to give him bones And as it turns out That's just what makes robots want to have sex With human women Yeah I just gave him a kidney And he told me that he wanted to put his kidney in a girl's butt.

That's not what kidneys are for. So we're still working out the kinks is basically what we're saying, but we do need food. He's got more kinks than you'd think. Than you'd want anybody to ever have is basically what we're saying. I am a beautiful Chinese citizen looking to be dominated by a large white man enjoying wonderful white cock in Philadelphia. Yeah, so what we were trying to do

is we were trying to make AI bisexual boyfriend for a lot of the lonely women out there. And we did buy a lot of the silicon chips, you know, from China, unfortunately. So what we wanted to do was make, like, a cool, like, Phoebe Bridgers, like, soft boy type for all the girls who can't find those because it's not like those are in pretty short supply, you know what I mean? So here, well, I'll play you the video. Here is the first test run of our sexy soft boyfriend robot.

This was right when we got the voice box working. Okay, here we go. Darling, I cannot wait to return from Chinese restaurant. To me, just regular restaurant. But to you, Chinese restaurant. To me, just regular restaurant. But to you, Chinese restaurant. And put all 15 organs of mine into mouth cavity of white woman.

Enjoying ruthless pleasures with large white woman. And making 54,000 United States dollars every year. Yeah, so you see here that we couldn't really get him to flirt naturally. I wouldn't even really call that flirting at all, but we were trying to pin down a type of guy that a young, college-aged female studying English or creative writing or perhaps history would find attractive. So we did some tweaks. We went back to the drawing board. Thomas really went to work on the emotional intelligence aspect of the AI robot.

Thomas really went to work on the history and the political understanding and the compassion and the in touch with emotions, things that Thomas all understands. the emotions, things that Thomas understands. And we went for what we called the soft boy lover college style robot V2. And you'll be able to tell a massive

difference with this one. Hello, darling. I am wearing beautiful business casual clothing and taking you to Red Lobster Restaurant. For white and black people. Enjoying delicious seafood. And viewing beautiful Snapchat front flash cameras.

While we watch tortured fish swim. And then later I take you home. To studio apartment. Downtown. Not so bad. And enjoy. Endless coitus. Several rounds.

Enjoying each other's beautiful Chinese bodies. And taking several loads in butt. From me. That's what you in butt from me. That's what you do, not me. I don't do that. You can see here. I am beautiful Chinese man, not a normal guy. So what we had to do towards the end, obviously, you could tell that it was short-circuiting.

Once confronted with its own potential homosexuality, the LLM, the learning language model, that didn't have much of an adequate data set to go off of, so it started freestyling a bit. And once the hive mind, the computer hive mind that we use, it was confronted with possibly being gay, it sort of circuited out. But if you'll note, from proto to V2, that the robot took the girl on a date, right?

It understood courting, right? The boyfriend robot understood. You go to a Chinese restaurant, you take some pictures on your phone, you make a comment about how it's sad that lobster dies, and then you eat food, and then you go and you share loads with each other. Now, of course, the sexual aspect. Sorry, there's something in of course, the sexual aspect. Sorry, there's something in my throat. The sexual aspect the robot didn't fundamentally understand, and that's because neither Thomas or I really have much experience in that department, so we had to hire a really sexy, handsome

guy who's had a lot of sex. And with V3, I think we really got, we actually added in a sexy boyfriend voice. We compiled a lot of leading men, you know, Ryan Gosling, Timothee Chalamet. We did a little California-style accent for him. So you'll be able to see here, much more loving, much more compassionate, a little less staccato, right? A little bit more natural delivery. And towards the end, he's not confronted with possibly being homosexual and then short-circuiting. We call this guy Colorado Boyfriend. You'll see here.

Just one second. Hello, super cool babe, and we should go to my rock climbing glass soon and enjoy the beautiful rocks, plastic, and you can look at them and take beautiful climbs

up them. Then we go for Barry Bull, $14, and then enjoy SoulCycle class with beautiful Chinese-Asian girlfriend with round butt. And then we go to dinner at The Cradle and the Craft, enjoying beautiful steak dinner while I stare at your perfect Asian breast. Two of them, both Asian, equally, just as mine are. But I have no breasts.

They are male pectorals, and I have two Asian balls. You can see. And I have one Asian load in my pants from you sucking on my Asian penis. And our beautiful Chinese sex in mainland Colorado. Busting a huge load inside of myself of you. Into you from me. Not into me at all. And it's not short circuit. It's into you from me not into me at all and it's not short circuit it's into you you can see here that when confronted with a the female anatomy and b potentially wanting to have

breasts uh the robot did again encounter what we like to refer to as uh the gender source code problem wherein uh thomas having done 90 of the coding, maybe made some mistakes, maybe put a little bit of his own soul in there to the point where when confronted with a woman's form, became very flustered, and not necessarily in a deserous way, not in a way, a wanton, you know, sexual way, but in a way where maybe the robot wishes that it was a woman.

And then again, you know, when it comes to the sex thing, just mostly wanting, the robot mostly wants to have sex with guys, which is unfortunate. But again, this was mostly Thomas' project, not mine. I mostly did a lot of the, I made the robot stink. I added, I was the one that added in the scent glands. That was mostly my doing. Beautiful Chinese

Canadian Colorado boyfriend. I want to be like a Colorado guy. Yeah? Yeah. It seems like the same as anybody. I don't know. It seems like... Everybody I know that moved to Denver did the Denver cases everybody I know that moved to Denver

did the Denver like people I know that moved to Austin did the awesome thing I've talked about here they all start talking like fucking guys from Point Break for some reason even though we're not near the ocean I feel like guys I know that moved to Denver to started wearing like the like the puffy jacket and they like kind of of like the flannel, and like hiking pants, but they're also corduroy. You know what I mean?

Like you just kind of. Yeah, yeah. They just dress like they work at. REI. REI. Exactly. Yeah. And they're like,

dude, you got to get out more. And I'm like, no. You don't have to. You pretty much don't need to. You don't have to move your body at all, or even feed it really. Dude, you could actually live an extra five months if you wanted to.

Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, get fucked. Oh, rock climbing's really good for me. It's where I go up and down. Yeah. It really helps. You know how normally you have to climb shit for hours at a time?

Yeah, you get to... Yeah. It'll help you do that. You know how we didn't evolve bipedally? So, basically, I've been just doing a lot of climbing. I've been climbing up a wall that I don't need to climb, and I've been hanging out with really cool and awesome guys and gals, too. No, rock climbing does look fun, I'll be honest,

but I just don't have time to right now. Both my shoulders are too dislocated. I can't really get any leg leverage. Oh, my God, no. You know what? Do you think fucking George Washington made that excuse whenever he wanted to make a fucking country? Think about that, Jake.

No. He probably popped his fucking shoulders back into place and got up that... Not really the best analogy, I'll be honest. Didn't really have legs, but he did have shoulders. He did legs. George Washington wasn't legless. I was saying the joke Didn't have legs, but it did have shoulders. He did legs. George Washington wasn't legless. I was saying the joke didn't have legs.

I thought you were just like... I thought you were just very, very confident. George Peg Leg Washington. When did you find out that it wasn't wooden teeth? For me, that was fairly recently. That was fairly fucking recently that it was human wooden teeth that for me that was fairly recent that was like fairly

fucking recently that it was human teeth and also a donkey's teeth you know it's funny because i i watched the shane special and i remembered but i also did do the tour at mount vernon oh yeah yeah i think i told you about that yeah whenever i was a kid and i had for i just i guess i wasn't paying that close of attention. It was like really hot. Not the not sexually. It wasn't hot that he owned slaves. It was it was hot, physically hot that day.

It was there was nothing sexually attractive about Mount Vernon to me, but it was beautiful. Not not the slavery. The slavery wasn't. But the landscape was. So you have to imagine, you know. Couldn't have been that bad. Just kidding. No, I don't remember the slave quarters thing.

I don't know that we had the most thorough tour. Right. But I think I do remember. Oh, actually. Yeah, so I do, now that I think about it remember. Oh, actually. Yeah. So I do. Now that I think about it, I remember the slave quarter thing. And it wasn't as dramatic as Shane's was.

But also, if he was the only one there, you know, whatever. Also, it's a stand up special. It doesn't have to be. I what I remember was it. What I remember was, I remember seeing one of the fanciest, nicest houses I've ever seen, if I remember correctly. At least for a house that's hundreds of years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I remember seeing a shack.

Oh. Like they had the. The slave's place was very much so. Not dope. It was not. Not. It was like. Swagged out. It was.

No, it was like. Dingy. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I mean. I'd hope. I don't think there's anybody living in there anymore. Sure, sure.

But I think they kept it historically accurate, or at least I hope so. There was, like, a PlayStation in there and shit? Yeah. Like a PS4. Yeah. I gotta say, and I know I don't get political in here often, but I'm very anti-slavery. Yeah. You know, I hate to take hard stances like that, but... This is a comedy show.

Yeah, that's one of the least dope things you can do. Maybe, you know, top three least dope things is enslaving people. The battle of... And owning them. It's horrible. And I only say that because we, you know, don't want to get one-upped by somebody. Yeah, no, I mean, I...

But, yeah, horrible situation. It's tough stuff. And, yeah, glad they got rid of that. At least here, for the most part. They just renamed it. They just said, okay, if you're in... Yeah, now it's called the fucking, you know know i'm about to say vaccines you know yeah yeah uh i always thought it was uh i did your parents did you learn about texas history from

the homeschooling or did you like learn that at school school or both uh i i had a i had a class in school okay that was like texas same so i probably took the same one seventh grade i think um yeah same and our they used to take us to the battle of the so right by where i grew up maybe like 20 minutes down the road was the san jacinto monument it's this big like washington monument looking style thing but the backdrop isn't like the capital of the country it's just plastics precursor plants oil and gas plants and then a very polluted river and uh like delta tributary area where nothing lives and everything is dead and has fish cancer and stuff and we will go there this isn't even like a story this is like you you learn in school that you're like oh

a ragtag group of good guys fought off the uh evil nasty spanish and uh and uh mexican guys and then like you go to the monument and then they walk you through everything, and they're like, nah, it seemed like we were up to no good. Like, you know, like, the first time you... And there's a bunch of moments like that, you know? Like, I feel like if you're... Not just if you're an American. It's not exclusive to being an American.

But I feel like you not... Especially, especially as an American, you, like, talk to one guy who that's his thing. You know what I mean? Like, you talk to one guy who's, like, really a Mexican-American war guy, and you're like, I was told that a guy with a knife and a guy with a raccoon head did John Wick shit to a bunch of brown people, and then now I get to live here.

Like, no, I wasn't really. Not quite, you know what I mean? It was actually way sadder than that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well. What can you do? You can fucking, you know, go to pendejotime.com. Yeah. Oh, well. What can you do? You can fucking, you know, go to PandejoTime.com slash Patreon and you can subscribe to the

show for $1 a month and it will give you just Discord access. I need to reiterate to the folks listening. Don't do that one. Do the $5 ones so you get to listen to the show. Yeah, don't do that. That just gives you Discord and none of the bonus episodes. And we're trying to make money on this motherfucker. Trying to make money, motherfuckers.

Money, motherfucker. So patreon.com slash pendejo time. And toss us some money. Yeah, $1 a month gets you nothing but just Discord access. $5 a month gets you a bonus episode every fucking week, dude. And Discord access. $10 a month gets you access to all of that shit, plus a video episode a month, an extra one. And 50 bucks a month gets you all that stuff, and then you just get to give us 50 bucks a month.

But don't do that unless you're, like, rich or something. Make sure we do have free video episodes. There's a fuck ton of them on YouTube at this point. Check out our YouTube, Padeo Time Worldwide. worldwide also the same on instagram give us a fucking follow uh what the fuck else do we got going on um yeah i think that's it uh hello my baby hello my honey Hello my ragtime Fucking bitch Damn What the fuck Yeah

Motherfucker Yeah Hello my ragtime Fucking down ass bitch Alright I don't know My head really hurts Alright See you guys

Fucking bye Bye bye