Pendejo Time - Dr. Pecker

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

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yeah i'm gonna that's fine we're good uh yeah no i like i think i think of of all like the shit that i've done to my stupid body like i it's gonna be something minute that comes back to bite me in the ass like when i'm like 45 like it's like the shoulder thing or like doctors like yeah you have minor scarring in your aorta uh did you ever do you ever drink a lot of caffeine or you know it's not going to be like like liver failure or like like anything from heavy drugs it's going to be something like you did a cartwheel in 2009 and like you have scar tissue and then that's cancerous now so you need to like think about getting your affairs in order i'm like all right yeah fine yeah i'll sometimes i'll do like something relatively athletic like say like run a lap or something you know and it's

it's fine you know i'm like wow i'm in decent shape and other times i'll like bend down to pick something up and i think like that might be the last time I've been down. I'm like, like it might be over right here. It's funny. Cause we're both like, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm some years older. We're both in our twenties. I have the same shit. Like I, before I injured my shoulder, I was going like, I'd gotten in pretty good shape cardio wise. It was doing like 10 or 12 rounds, you know, boxing, kickboxing. I was hit. I was running two miles straight full out.

But like the other day I bent down to like pick up my girlfriend's dog because she she's very prissy and won't piss in the rain and but she needs to piss so to stand at the door anyway I carry her but when I go to lift her up just like muscle spasms in my back like I was tased and then like for like four days after i just could not walk or like lean up and i was like okay so like when i you know it's like oh back problems and erectile dysfunction are for old men and then you hit like 22 and you're like oh dope yeah it's just a dick and back stops working way earlier than that or like to give you ssris when you're like 10 and then you hit like 15 and you're like oh it's over it's over for me that's what happened to me dude i yeah no

dude that's what happened to me because i like they gave me adderall and not like a low dose like when i like my first my first ever fourier with uh adderall was like XR 90 milligrams. And I was like 14 or 15. And like, dude, that's prime jacking off age. You are like, you're crushing it. I mean, at least for me. Yeah, that's when you're at the top of your game. Yeah, I was putting in, I was crushing numbers, dude.

Really testing the limits of my mind and body body and then like just being completely unable to bust and not understanding pharmacology or like in you know like at that time and i'm like what the fuck's going on but being smart enough to google and it's like yeah that stuff will make you like not be able to and then like i would stop taking thederall, but then I would go to school and be like, you know, and then my mom, you know, my grades would fail or whatever. And then I'm like, my mom's like, why'd you stop taking your Adderall? And I'm like, ma, I can't tell you why. It's just bad timing. Yeah. I tell my dad, he's like, why? And I'm like, well, I can't beat off. He's like, why not? And he, and then my dad be my dad. He's like, Oh, my dad'm like, well, I can't beat off. He's like, why not?

And then my dad would be my dad. He's like, oh. My dad was like smoking crack at the time. He's like, yeah, you're going to have to like stagger that out. I was like, oh, okay. Okay. Thanks, dad. He's like, yeah, when I'm coked up, I can't like fuck your mother. I'm like like super cool

kind of funny whenever uh because i i got uh prescribed five ants when i was 14 or 15 which isn't like crazy early but still like like that's when you're doing most you're like growing and stuff and from i think it was like 40 milligrams something like that like nothing crazy but you know yeah decent amount yeah and um i uh i only gained like 10 pounds from like my freshman year to my junior year of high school but i grew like you know six inches or something yeah yeah yeah and then basically like one summer I think it was in between um like college and or high school and college I didn't take I didn't take it for a full summer because I didn't have school and I gained like 35 pounds of muscle. Yeah.

Like not from, I wasn't working out. I just worked at the lumber yard, but I just filled out instantly as soon as I stopped taking it. And then I thought, oh, I'm going to keep filling out if I, you know, don't take this. And then I just failed school and got fat. So it didn't really work out that much long-term, but. I was, I was doing a lot of like heavyweight training when I was on.

They had rewrote me a different doctor had given me Vyvanse. And I was like working out a lot. And then like I got really lean the fuck out. Like I wasn't built. I was just like kind of, it was just lean. And then I was also on an antidepressant at the time that made me like i could fuck but i couldn't bust and dude i'm telling you man i'm i'm telling you that era for me pussy wise unparalleled like like being like like just being like like like you know seven

percent body fat and then i fuck and i can't nut i like i look at dude you're like i literally was and girls are like oh my god like oh you know like that was and i'm like but again you keep the deep the keep the granular details to yourself you're like yeah oh it's because i'm heavily medicated and like i had like it's like who you think you're gonna be when you're like 12 you think you're gonna be like that when you're like 18 then not but you know no i was like i think i like it was just a weird clash of incidences where i was like i think i'll work out a lot and then i got on that and then i got on that the other medication and it was just like i was like dude i gotta make use of whatever the fuck's going on this seven month window as much as possible because yeah it it in like i made a joke about it before like on twitter

but like it you know you think like people you're like oh yeah no i'm i'm i fuck good and it's like no it's just fucking lexapro you just can't you just can't like i'll just jack off for like an hour and you're like man i fucking nope there's not shit working for me on this end for me i didn't even bother trying most of the time i'll just be like yeah i think i'd rather just stare at the wall honestly just you know it we do that age you think you have like really deep stuff to think about but it's mostly just like yeah i wonder if i wonder if space is even real you know stupid stuff yeah i have those thoughts i had those thoughts at like 17 and then i have them now like pushing 30 not pushing 30 but i'm like you know 26 i'm like when i was a kid i was like dude

how okay how is it not how do we even go through space and then i was in college and i was like took like an intro to physics course and you're like oh okay and then but like at 26 i'm like all this shit's bullshit no how are we dude come on i'd say i'd say from like 15 to like 18 for me was a real like exploratory time in which i was like always pretty you know philosophical and stuff and always looking for answers to big questions and then uh one day i was just like you know who uh who cares who's showing ass on the internet yeah I was like you know no no matter uh whether there's you know an afterlife or any of that you know I can go to the store right now and just get some pizza and go home and make that and either way you know with

the when i die you know i will have eaten the pizza yeah you know i i put it this way i'm like all the all of the like reddit twitter like simulation what rents do yeah like you have you have bills on like the first of the even if this world is fake it's the fake it's completely computerized we live in in some manufactured dream or whatever you still like the the the scientists at cern or all those fucking lh large hadron collider guys tomorrow come on the news and say hey uh it's not real my landlord would text me a week after and he's like hey you still have to pay rent yeah yeah it doesn't matter you know even in like a truman show type situation in which everyone's just playing a trick on me um genuinely i i don't care yeah like there's no part of my life where i'm like

no yeah i gotta get it's this kid all it's good not not even being like i don't care about anything but like if if this entire reality was fake you know i would just keep i'm just gonna keep trucking you know i still have video games in it yeah i still i still can jack off in it and like i can get my penis sucked on it like it's not like it's like with the i remember like like some years ago engaging with like flat earthers on the internet and trying to drive the point home that's like even if it was your life still sucks like i'm not trying to be doing a black pill like my life is bad it's just like no like that's real like it doesn't there's no great epiphany to be had like you it the world could be a cube the world could be shaped like my dick and balls and my asshole but it doesn't really like it doesn't matter at the end of the day.

Like you, you, that would be funny. Signs is zoomed all the way. He got nutsack. Not again. It's the third time. Oh fuck. It albert einstein refused to get like his liver fixed or whatever he was like i'm done i'm done here stephen hawking pretended to be in the wheelchair yeah he was just making a funny face for like 55 years years oh my god oh jesus yeah like it's not even it doesn't it literally oh jesus it doesn't matter i don't know i don't know how to like

tell people you know or like i i don't know because it's fun it's really it's funny when my friend like friends of mine in real life who are like in real life i'm a fucking loser dude uh friends of mine that are like you know man do you ever think about like what happens when you die and i'm like no they're like why not and i'm like either i go nowhere i'm going somewhere bad like i don't because the only time I would ever think about it is if I thought maybe that I would be that there was something a and then b I would be going there and it would be cool when I died either the best case scenario for me at this point is nothing worst case scenario something and I'm paying the piper dude like I think that's like I fucked up yeah I think I would just be in

you know I like the the Greek version of the afterlife because uh well there's also one you know there's fields of Elysium or whatever you just you just kind of hang out in a field and that's kind of how my life is right now so I really wouldn't mind that it's like if you didn't really do anything good or bad i'm like yeah dude i'll just hang out and kind of wander around forever i guess yeah they have you know if they still have these this great nausea i just tried and then they have counter-strike you know if i have nicotine and like caffeine and like a beer every now and then dude fucking call it you know um yeah i i made the i tried to dude i tried to like work this one out and and i don't know it's an idea that i've been sitting on but it's like if you

go to hell and and hell is described as infinite time plus infinite landscape okay it feels like because of that things would get finite pretty fast like you would you would eventually run into hitler and you would eventually like maybe get along i don't know like you you like you know you run into bad men like pol pot and hitler and like you know bad people and like every nine million years you see them and you're like hey and then you keep getting your ass fucked or whatever like what you know i don't know i don't know whatever that whatever them's in hell but like nine million years happens like 20 or 25 000 times and you're just like oh hey what's you know like i don't know if it's really infinite i feel like you'd have to eventually

like you'd make friends in hell but i don't know i think uh it would be rather than seeing like the it's funny how we've all like sort of decided like certain people who are definitely going places yeah it would be funny like like right before before he like pulled the trigger like hitler became a baptist or something and we didn't know about it. It's like technically according to rules, he went to heaven. And according to – maybe your Catholic grandma didn't, but Hitler made it. Imagine you get in a car crash tomorrow on the way to work. And like you see your body laying there all mangled and like you're all cold and bleeding out. And you're like, fuck, I guess this is it, man.

EMT, there's traffic and you're floating up and you're like, well, fuck, I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought. And you fucking float all the way up and you fucking get to heaven. And the first guy you see, Adolf Hitler. How many questions would you have? Well, what would be your first question? Well. would you have well what would be your first question well uh i think i would say and this is just me because i'm not that confrontational of a guy i wouldn't bring up the fact that he was obviously hitler at all i would just say hey man cool that's how I am if I see somebody I'm just cool with them

you're not a fangirl I have to work up the courage like five minutes in you know we're talking about you know what it's like and stuff and I'm like hey dude I hate to be that guy I hate to and you might know what I'm like hey dude I I hate to be that guy I hate to

and you might know what I'm about to ask you know you've you've had a long time to think about it are you by are you Hitler and he's like yeah he's like ah yeah that's me he's like he's like you heard me you know and you know me i'm a little bit confrontational but not like enough to really go for it and i would just say something like

oh yeah my mom like went to school with you something like that it's like i would just lie it's like seeing a guy that looks like bill murray at the coffee shop that you go to or like a bar and then you're like fuck is that and then you keep coming back it's not even your favorite bar and like you keep seeing him there and you're like that's him and then the first question you ask him is something stupid like hey man you like uh you like 90 day fiance i i thought you were bill murray are we are you i feel i don't know i feel like i wouldn't i don't know what the first question i would ask i like the idea that whether it's heaven or hell you can somehow hurt their feelings because they're in heaven well their life is amazing. You can't, you're not going to miss it. What are you going to do to them? They're in heaven.

And if they're in hell, it's like, Hey man, you can try to hurt my feelings, but I've been in hell for 45 million. Yeah. Yeah. This is as bad as it gets. It doesn't get worse because you tried to troll me, you know, you can talk as much shit as you want to anybody in hell, and it's not even the worst thing close to what happened to them that day. I'm just going to go find former co-workers and stuff. Yeah.

Find somebody you were related to down the line. I don't know. I made civil war. Maybe even before that. Just before America was even founded, you're like, hey, fuck you. When did you die? 22? That's life expectancy?

Yeah, you fuck you, you fucking pussy ass mother. And then that's not even – and they're like, yeah, man, I – By the way, we're assuming that everyone speaks English in the afterlife at both – I think that's probably true. I mean... Hey, where do you think Pocahontas went? She's still alive, man. Yeah, she's on the...

Is she on the coins or is it the other one? There's only two of them. You know, Sacagawea. I think it's really... The only two Native American women, really, in American history that anyone bothered knowing the names of, which I'm not even trying to be edgy. It's sort of interesting that we sort of picked two out of the mixture. That'll do.

Geronimo for the men, and then like – I don't even know if he's real. That might be cowboy stories. And then like. Never. Not even, I'm not even doing a joke there. I've never heard. Who is that? Dude, I don't know. That's just what people say when they jump off cliffs in the cartoons. And apparently it's based off.

I thought that was like, I thought that was like a philosopher or something. Like Geronimo is apparently like a guy. I don't know yeah i literally thought he was like like like some italian philosopher like galileo the guy that admitted the telescope like aristotle or something do you i don't know i don't know so there was some time this was actually super recent so maybe you, but like a few years back, someone did like a cancel thread on Twitter about the Pocahontas story and Disney, where it was like, actually, according to the real story,

she was 12 and John Smith was like 43 and people were like, so this, this is a bad story and i was like even the cartoon version is a story of like the what what what predated genocide like it's not because they made her like 22 in the movie like and also like what are you what are you gonna do yeah what are you gonna do now also um not to rank things here i think it was a small box yeah that was exactly yeah i think that was worse no easy easy yeah in the book i was saying you know to focus on that is really i think um really setting aside just how many things, just how many millions of people. Yeah. Did you know that over a hundred Native Americans were killed?

Over, over 100. Yeah, no, I, yeah, that's insane. Imagine if a hundred, imagine if a hundred people died now. It would be on the news Yeah no I guess you're right man I never really thought of it that way And the Trail of Tears That was over 50

500 guys Over 50 Killed That's almost 500 guys over 50 killed that's almost that's like two thirds of 75 it would be very funny to like take a hard stance not break character and be like the Iraq war killed 11 people

it really it was a tragedy and we can't forget about it and it was not right and it killed at least nine people. Yeah. Nine 11 is called that. Cause I think that's the general range of how many people.

Maybe 10. We don't know. Less, not less than nine, but not more than 11. And if it's 11, that's two of those are the towers. Two of the pilots, the pilots did that. I made a point, but I don't know.

But the fact that like, when you go on, I don't know, you read any article for the last like six months and it's like a 9-11 happens every two or three days. for the last like six months and it's like a 9-11 happens every two or three days and it's like that's not i mean if it's a unit of measurement now fine like fine but like i don't want it to go away when covid goes away like if there's a tsunami or something that like hits the coast of california or whatever there was 35 9-11s in los angeles that day like i I wanted to stay as a unit of measurement yeah um I was at a funeral the other day and I actually was thinking about that it was just terrible because it was a you know a friend of mine but in my head you know jokingly popped up I was like well on the bright side this isn't even a fraction of a 9-11 this is like zero zeros i uh dude i'm the worst like i'm i will literally

beat a funeral and like we've talked about this in the dms or whatever but it's like i'm good i'm i'm good with deaths and like family sicknesses and tragedies but it's minor shit that makes me pop my top off like i get fucking nuts i get really sad or whatever but anyway like i'd be at like a funeral for a close family member and you're like how fucked up would it be if i just like try to do a backflip right now like i can't do one but to like get in the middle of like as people are wailing in front of the casket, they're like, no, no. To just, to just try to do a cartwheel, like down, down between the space between the views. And then like, I get mad at myself in that moment.

Cause I'm like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're an adult man. But then again, like that, that voice takes a backseat to the initial one. It's like, dude, you could do it before anyone could stop you. Like before anyone could tackle you or like slap you or be like, dude, what's your problem? You could do a cartwheel right now. You know, you can do one normally.

Cartwheels are easy. You're not 80 years old. You can do, so just do one. And then I'm sitting there and I'm like twitching my legs as like a funeral is going on. Cause I'm thinking like, dude, I probably do a round off too. Like over the casket, like if probably do a round off too like over the casket like if i had a springboard like if i just use someone in front of it like i could just i don't know and i had the same thoughts on the freeway or like at a mall where i'm like dude i'm

doing what am i doing 95 dude i could just whip this motherfucker across five lanes and just end like i could just make this shit suck for so many people yeah i used to i mean obviously you don't go to the mall anymore yeah yeah yeah but not even because of the pandemic i'm just 21 now it's really for that yeah yeah yeah if you don't have if you don't have a girlfriend and you're over 20 at the mall it's that's rough but um you know they got the escalators and stuff you go up there they got the glass and you look over 20 at the mall, that's rough. They got the escalators and stuff. You go up there, they got the glass and you look over and they got this

little courtyard area. I always just think, not even in a suicidal way, I'm just like, man, I'd splat so hard. I could probably jump on a group of girls walking by or something and take out five of them.

I'm like, don't do that. I don't know why. I could probably jump on like a group of girls walking by or something and take out like five of them. I'm like, don't do that. I don't know why. It's in your head. I, uh, I have public places, public places. I'll see like a couple walking with their kid and their kids behind them. And they're clearly like a, not a good mom and dad. They're kind of just like dawdling and they're like 900 pounds and then like their kids behind them and he's like drinking you you think uh you think fat people can't raise kids yeah no i was raised by fat people i'm fucked up and uh and so anyway so you're like you just they're just having me in front of you and you're

like and the kid's kind of like you can tell he's sticky and he's being loud and he's like and you're like man before before either of them could stop me even if they could i could just like grab this kid by his ankle and just like like just smash him into the fucking like there would be i would go to jail for the rest of my life and i'm in texas i get legally injected i think i mean just strangers like just at walmart and the cash register is like, yeah, here's your total. And then on the way out, the greeters, like, let me see your receipt. And they're like 98 years old. And I'm like, yeah, I got a receipt for it.

And it just kicked them in their fucking head as hard as I, because they're like four 11, they've shrunk before anyone could realize what I had done. You know, I could just, but, but again, like you said, you just kind of, you're like, man, I can't do stuff like that. Like I got to go to the house. I'm real bad with anytime someone's jaywalking and it's like, you know, kind of a busy area or something. And it's like, you know, it'll be like the middle part of the road where it's technically like a

turning lane or whatever, but they're just waiting so they can get to gas station or whatever i'm always in my head i'm like dude dude dude hit him hit him just go hit him and then i'm like no hey no the voice i was like dude are you scared what's the worst that could happen? You should hit that guy. You should hit that guy with your car. I'm like, no. It's delusion. And then there's another side of it where like, dude, I'm 26 years old. I still will get like, I'll watch a movie, like an action movie.

And I'm like, you know, my joints are all fucked up. Like even if they were, even if I was superhuman, I think, dude, I convinced myself occasionally that under the right circumstances, I could dodge a bullet. Like it's not, and it's just because I've been watching action movies since I was like three years old, but it's like, I'll be watching one and I'll see a guy like do like a,

not even like a slow-mo. He just kind of times it right. And like the hits the window behind him and he like looks at the sniper and he's like yeah what up you know i'll be watching that as a grown man now with like bills and shit and i'm like dude it can't be that hard like it can't there's no way it's that difficult it's probably just like you know you see the glint like from from battlefield you see the glint of the sniper in the in the distance and then you just do this and then you just kind of dart to the side and then it misses you and you go home yeah i've got this weird uh like a very firm belief in my head that i know is wrong that i can only be killed by bullets if I'm laying down like if you shoot me like four times or something while I'm like leaning against my car I just have

a feeling that I'd like just recover and I think that's just from keeping up with like Chicago drill so much like my like one of my favorite rappers will get just shot in the neck with an AK like 20 times then he's just okay for some reason but but in my head i'm like dude i can literally just like angle my body to where like no organs are hit just sort of like comes out through and through and it comes out clean i'm like yeah i could do that i think but if you shot me while i'm laying down i've got my gut hanging over and you hit all the weapons at the same time. I remember – I think maybe we talked about this. I don't know.

But when I got – yeah, we have. So when I got jumped two years ago or whatever, and then I was mad at myself bleeding on the curb that I didn't Jason Statham all those guys. It was like six of them, and i was like talking to the cop you know after because they like i was all fucked up on the curb i'm bleeding like i had to give a statement whatever and uh and i was like yeah man i'm kind of you know kind of upset myself he was like why he's like you should be dead like he could be and i was like yeah man you know i uh i really should have just like you know beat all those guys up and he was like how many were there and i was like six he was like what uh he's like are you a seal

did you have like a seal with guns like like are you are you a beret like are you cia you know like and i'm like no i'm just a guy that like uh does cocaine he's like yeah so like you don't like that's not real like did you think you were gonna they were gonna come at you one at a time and you're gonna judo toss a couple and then like roundhouse when i was like yeah no yeah for sure and he's like you're just like the dumbest man i've ever met my like it's not like yeah and then just beating myself like driving myself home from the police station like i'm still bleeding like I have like most holes in my head and be like I'm like going over the fight, which was not really it was just a surprise ass beating and then trying to get them digging through my pockets. But being like, yeah, if I just had, you know, like next time that happens, what I'm going to do is I'm going to have a quicker I'm going to have a little bit of a quicker reaction time. I'm going to slip the first punch.'m gonna dodge that and then i'm gonna

round and it's like dude i can't even do a roundhouse kick in skinny jeans which is what i wear so like i can't like i can't i'm not it's not gonna happen yeah anytime i'm in a parking lot and i see like a group of clearly like just like 16 year old dudes just hanging out by a truck or something i'm like dude i bet i could take like all nine of those guys right now just start beating them off one by like i throw one through a windshield and i've got like i tear off a i tear off the door from some like 57 chevy and it's like 300 pounds and just yeah yeah there's a there's a bunch of hot girls by the sidewalk and they're both they're all telling me i look cool and then i drive off and i'm on a harley maybe and then i snap back to it

i'm like yeah dude you're going to go into home depot um and you just need to get like a couple buckets for work yeah you're not let's just chill out you're losing money on this trip yeah yeah i yeah like i uh yeah like like seeing like annoying people like like annoying teenagers and then just because i'm older than them being like dude if there was 30 not a big deal but like you know like grow like i don't know going to high school in texas like did they start feeding them boys like corn and trend balloon at like 50 i'm you know i remember people with full-grown beards and like balding in high school so first of all like you're not really fighting like a child you're fighting like what is essentially biologically a grown man and then you're

third like like 19 of them they're being annoying at the water burger and you're third, like, like 19 of them, they're being annoying at the Whataburger and you're like, yeah, just cause I'm pushing 30. I have dad strength. Yeah. No, like just false, just patently. I would get my shit rocked and murdered. See, I remember in high school one time when I was, I think I was a senior. Yeah. I was in Weatherford. That's where I live. Anyone you know that's where i live anyone listening that's where i live you can find me there shout out and uh i was at a i was at a stoplight this was before i worked out or anything but i mean i done type window and all that uh which makes me kind of a

ninja and um i was a i was a stoplight and this uh this old truck was next to me. And this dude rolled the window down. This is a truck full of guys. And he said, you want to fight? And I said, I wasn't busy or anything. I said, sure. Pull in his Brahms ice cream place. Just because he said, do you want to fight? I was immediately like, yeah yeah yeah and so

he pulled in and uh i walk over the truck you know they roll the windows down there's four guys in there i said all right well which which one of you wants to you know fight first you know you guys you know it's just a fun thing to do when you're yeah yeah no i remember yeah yeah yeah man then they were all immediately like oh no no dude we just dared each other to you know like say you want to fight to like a stranger and then and we weren't actually gonna actually gonna fight and i was like all right well it's yeah of course i was like, we don't have to, I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm not that, um, I'm not mad at you or anything. I was just down to do it just because, you know, in my head, I'm like, dude, I'm going to fight off all these guys, knock them all out. I'm not an unhinged delusional moron. Like I just, I'm going to go back in my car. Like i was kidding too but also yeah also they ended up

all being like freshmen in high school and clearly an older kid who was just willing to just they're all like 15 yeah about my size yeah and you're like yeah it makes sense i guess you know like they're like the guy driving the car was like so do you like fight a lot and i was like no not not really i just you asked me if i wanted to i don't have anything else going on yeah and then my girlfriend at the time i casually told her about it i was like yeah i almost uh almost fought some guys today and she was like why and i was like they they just asked me if i wanted to and And I was, I just said yes. She was like, you could, you know, you could have gotten killed or something. And I was like, yeah, could have, but I didn't, you know.

That's just how my brain works. I'm like, I'll do it. Yeah, I don't, just having them like, not having the wherewithal or really just the care for yourself or like your own future to just be like, just, yeah, just like, Hey man, you want to go to like the river today and hang out? Yeah. I got nothing else planned. Hey man, do you want to like get into a fistfight at a public place where police will be here within 90 seconds and we'll all go to jail? Yeah, that's fine. Just like not being able to distinguish between an action with consequences

and then just like go into the store. And I guess to a certain extent it's like my own safety has just never been like yeah never yeah like i've uh well i remember one time in dallas i'd just gone to a show and i couldn't find my car and i was just in some random parking lot just trying to figure out what was going on and some guy like pulled it he had for some reason the same backpack a mac 10 and an uzi and he just unzipped and he pulled two guns out you know everybody's freaking out i just look over my wow he had two guns in that backpack you know usually if you're gonna shoot a place like you only bring one gun you, you just bring one gun and a bunch of ammo. Maybe anyway,

he was about to, I guess the shooting was about to happen or something, but people start running. And my, I didn't have any like survival instinct. I just looked over and I was like, isn't that something? How do you fit those in there?

He's got two guns in the backpack. That's crazy. My laptop and mine. Yeah. It wasn't even like me being like, Oh dude, I'm a hero. I'm brave. I'm going to, I was just, huh. That's, that's interesting.

Yeah. I, I, there've been many times where like, uh, I'll have done something like that. The time I knocked myself out with a bottle of Smirnoff, I like, it just like, I don't know, my girlfriend, dude, she hates this fucking story. She hates the picture that I've shared on Twitter. Like so many dudes, she's like, she's like, how long ago was this? And I'm like, it was like seven, six, seven years ago. And she's like, okay, was this and i'm like it's like seven six seven years ago and she's like okay like i can handle that if this was like two years ago like we would just like not i just couldn't anyway like just because again because i watched too many movies

and i was drunk enough and high enough on fucking painkillers i was like dude it's so easy to break a bottle over a person's head they in the movies the guy will take like nine or ten and then he'll like drive a car after and he'll like go to work the next day so i was like yeah how hard could it be and before i before i started beating the dog out of myself with this glass bottle there was never it could have been substance maybe but. But I've done this sober. But there was never like a, hey, man, this is a profoundly stupid idea, and you're making everyone uncomfortable. There was never like this. So it was like at a party? Yeah, I was at a New Year's Eve party, dude.

There were people out on the patio smoking and trying to finger fuck each other. And I was like, boom! Just beating the fucking shit out of myself. And, and like, and like, and, and, and like, like the third time I went out, like, that's just, that's the picture that I took with my friends still to this day. But like, in hindsight, like, you know, I'm like, first of all, why was there no like fourth, like, why did I not second guess that behavior? Second of I'm like, first of all, why was there no like fourth?

Like, why did I not second guess that behavior? Second of all, like I try to empathize like in hindsight, like in retrospect, and I'm like, imagine being a guy there. And he just, he came for a party and he didn't come to go to a wild part. He came to like, see if he could like get his dick sucked or something. And he's just a guy there. And he like sells weed and listens to like red hot chili peppers. And he just like has a long board in his truck and then there's a guy there who goes out on the patio and he takes he chugs a bottle of smirnoff which by the way it's just bar one bar

one like not not on whatever that's weird there's a big bottle they've been big motherfuckers yeah i was thinking of the smirnoff ices that are like the size of a beer bottle and i was like i was like dude how how did you hit yourself that hard with it but yeah it was one of the big fuckers yeah yeah i see with the big big yeah because the idea of of drinking like exactly one smirnoff ice and then knocking yourself out with it is one of the funniest things i could think of it's much funnier i think if i were to retell the story as it being like one of the 12 ounce bottles that's the size of like a budge bottle and then not that's much funnier than than just downing like the big guy and then doing doing mental damage to myself it's like it's like taking a shot and then using the shot

glass to knock yourself ripping the bong and then like tapping it against your head and passing out. It would be so funny if in like Roadhouse or something somebody got knocked out with a shot glass. Like smashed it over the head like with a theater. Like it shattered everywhere and he was just down.

But it wasn't like a closed fist. They did it like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For everyone listening, you can't. I'm just flicking it we're flicking our fingers at each other you kind of had to be there on that one but yeah yeah it was a visual gag um yeah no i like yeah i just kind of like i don't know because i don't it my girlfriend will like she's very she's like have you ever thought about like the things you've done before and the things you do now and how they like maybe they can affect people that you like care about or even people that you

casually know and i'm like never once really until like the last like maybe 16 months uh or two years and so like i think about that like you know just sitting on the back patio on the swing and like you're smoking a joint and a guy comes out and he's on the back patio on the swing and like you're smoking a joint and a guy comes out and he's beating the dog shit on himself and then he just falls asleep and you're like oh i uh uh is he you know and then i got i got up like nine seconds later i don't really remember like the last swing i kind of just filled that in with context clues but like this is just a guy coming out and he's like, I'm going to do it. Bop, bop, bop sleep.

Everyone freaks out a bit. And then I just, he's like, I didn't sign up. And who signs up to, it was a party at a friend's place. This wasn't like a random big party. This was like a kickback for new years. And this wasn't like, like blowing shit up in the woods. It was just a guy's like guy's house. I knew. So yeah, I guess. I feel bad about that now, six or seven years later but yeah not bad enough to issue an apology it feels like it's been too much time yeah people probably like there's probably like two people who like actively remember it and

everyone else you'd have to like you would have to remind them and then they would be like oh yeah i really care yeah yeah most people there were my good friends and they think it's super funny that's like the thing that that kind of poisons the the shame because even now like it's really just my girlfriend like a couple of people that are like that was really like scary behavior but most people there they're like dude that was one of the coolest things i'd. It was a really cool way to kick off a new year. That is objectively funny. Yeah. No, I mean, like, people – there's a reason, like, fat people falling downstairs is consistently years and years down the road funny as shit.

It's been funny for, like, 100 years. Just to watch a guy completely out of his mind on drugs and alcohol, beat dog shit out of himself and then take a nap as i wish i would have seen it i just had the misfortune of being the guy i was on video just a grainy instagram just the the audio from it is like our intro or whatever just screaming three clear dinks and then just a everyone's like and then me going uh-huh absolute one of my best friends to this day thought i had like he he told me recently he's like i thought you like faked it and then you were making like the ufc going to sleep noises this is the kind of noise that your body involuntary makes voluntarily makes when like your stim shuts down like the brain stim like you're just reduced to like you know your base

functions which is heartbeat and lung maneuvers yeah i uh one time in like sixth grade me and a few friends had a holding your breath contest and i'm pretty competitive so not only did i win but i continued holding my breath after everyone else quit and then um and i passed out and slammed my head into a desk and uh and then i started arguing when i woke up because somebody said I had a seizure and I didn't remember doing that at all. And then I realized a few weeks later that I was unconscious. So I wouldn't, of course, I didn't remember doing that. Your brain had shut off. Yeah, I was half dead for a few seconds yeah this was like 2000 uh

2009-10 i was in i was in high school and i remember hearing a lot about the knockout game on the news but i never saw it but what i did see was people doing chokeout shit to each other like in class like the teacher would be like, I have to go to the bathroom. I went to a shitty high school. They're like, please know. She was like, please do not do stuff you see on YouTube to each other. Like some 23 year old like math major who really just wanted to change the world and got two years in and was like, I'm babysitting like people who were like grew up off jackass and like you know the sopranos so anyway like i would be in math class and like my buddy rex he'd be like all right all right so like we've got like 45 seconds max i just need you to like standing rear naked me i'm gonna breathe a bunch before and then i'm gonna pass out and like in my mind at 15 i was like dude that's the coolest

shit anyone's ever done like way cooler than like doing a backflip on a motorcycle or like learning a skill that's useful to you. Like the coolest thing I can do right now is to choke you unconscious. And then just like to do that. And then like the teacher coming in and he's, yeah, he's like locked. He's not seizing, but he's just locked up. And she's like, yeah, I asked him, I asked you one thing and you're like you're like well you did ask the thing that prior to you leaving i was thinking about doing hoping you would leave so like i did not pay attention to algebra at all lady i i really just wanted you to go piss so i could choke my friend

unconscious and see if he died like because that's really all you all i thought about like yeah high school and i guess middle school for me was all just like you know i wonder if like you you can just like put a lawn chair in the back of a truck and then they can like go out on the freeway and you can like just sort of sit in there like i wonder how fast they can go before you like sort of hit a bump and fly out you know if you hold on to the sides i uh one time reminded me one time this was when i was working construction and we were doing the safety meeting it was like six in the morning and i was fucking i had made myself laugh really hard because I was thinking about something stupid and the fucking foreman he was like Rhodes

so fucking funny you laughing during my meeting you know just kind of just being he didn't want me to answer but I couldn't like I was laughing I was like I was like I stopped laughing I was like man I was thinking about one of the man lifts that can do highway speeds.

And how cool that like a scissor lift that could go like 85 miles an hour and how fucking cool that would be. And like my, the other guy, the other mechanic guys, like he's like 65 years old, all business. And he was like, kind of turned to me and was like, you just stone faced. And we get in the truck later and he's like kind of turned to me and was like you just stone-faced and we get in the truck later and he's like why why is that so why is that funny to you one of them one of them goes fast and I get hurt and I was like man I have no fucking dude just imagine I thought about explaining it to him but then in my head I was no it's not worth it but again in my head i was like dude if i could get down like i-45 like just you know figure out a way to like put enough juice in one of these and do like 900 miles an hour whenever i worked warehouse uh it was uh it was a huge warehouse in the in the fort worth area and um we we rode

these mid riders because i was an order selector and it's sort of like a forklift but it's got uh the forks are in the back is they're real okay yeah and uh so you can pick up two pallets at a time yeah yeah and uh it was it was a huge warehouse and i didn't really care about my job so i I would get that thing up to like, I don't know, but I think it was close to like 20 miles an hour. And they had brakes on them, but they also had like, if you just let up on the gas or it wasn't gas, it was electric. They had a certain distance they would roll before they just stopped and so i

would always whenever i got off mine i wouldn't put the brakes on what i'd do was i would just ghost ride that motherfucker i would go full speed try and gauge the distance jump off and try and make it bare like barely but not quite hit. And I messed up about half of the time. We would be getting off for lunch, which it was night shift, so lunch was like 12, 12.30 in the morning. And these giant trash cans. I would always park next to them. But sometimes I would just dink it a little bit. But one time I really messed it up and I hopped off like 10 feet away from the trash can.

And that thing, it was, I mean, it was probably going about 10 miles an hour, but that's a machine hitting a trash can with a giant garbage can. Bend the forks up. Oh, you weren't going forward. Oh, yeah, you were going forward. Yeah, but it was um it definitely put a dent in that industrial trash can and like all the it was we just gotten off for lunch so everybody all the managers were like standing in the bay in that area and they just watched me absolutely destroy this thing like i jumped i was going way too fast and i didn't even think to like

break it like just not do my normal bit and just like put the brakes on yeah it would have stopped in time but instead i was like nah i messed up i'll just hop off yeah and i ended up no call no showing like a week after that so it wasn't a big deal but at the time it was it was about the funniest thing i've done in my life my dad he uh he fucking he's been working in the industry for like 35 years and uh he told me one time hey well okay so my dad would come home or like if my parents were split up like i'd go visit him and i he'd be like and like he'd be like you stay till monday if you want or whatever and i was like you're not working and

he's like i got laid off i was like oh whatever like i'm a kid or whatever. And I was like, you're not working? He's like, oh, I got laid off. I was like, oh, whatever. Like, I'm a kid or whatever. But the older I got, like, it didn't, you know, he'd rather get piss tested or anyway. Like, he'd get fired for something stupid. One of these times, he told me, he was like, yeah, they had to let me go.

And I was like, what for? He was like, well, he was like, I was on, like, day four or five getting fucked up, no sleep. And I went into work. And I drove a forklift into a shipping container into a connex and uh i got out of it realized the dent wasn't too bad and then grabbed a mallet from the warehouse and beat that fucker back into shape and then just kept sort of going about my day and i was like so how'd you get fired and he told me well like two days later he gets called in by like OSHA and like the supervisor and like the site supervisor and the warehouse, everybody, dude, everybody, big dick.

And they're like, Hey Dave, did you run into a shipping container with a forklift the other day? He was like, no. And they were like, all right, well, will you watch this for us like he'd forgotten about like these places have security cameras they just they had them and they they press play and he watched himself crash into the fucking side of it because he was swerving in the forklift because he's still drunk and then get out the forklift walk over two minutes goes by and he's beating the fuck out of it beating the dent back out and then getting the forklift and then it's nothing and he told me he just walked out of the

office and he just didn't come back to work he like didn't try and defend himself like didn't try to like oh hey man you know i was having i've been really depressed none of that he was like well all right well i'll see y'all boys uh maybe you know I'll see you next year. I, uh, and then like me, dude, the second day I was on the job, like this was, I just got my hard hat. Cause day one was like safety school or whatever. Like I had to do, of course I'm in the warehouse and I was grabbing pieces of rebar and I was beating the dog shit out of myself on my hard hat, just testing the tensile strength, I guess, of my heart just i

was like hey it doesn't hurt you know and everybody that's like you know my age is like and then like the the vets there like the old lifer guys are like what are you are you know what and uh this was like maybe i guess at five thirty six in the morning that's when we have safety meetings and fucking osha guy walks in and he's very serious. He's got his fucking... And I'm just fucking waylaying on myself. Boom! Boom! I'm like, dude, it doesn't even hurt. And the other guys are like,

do it harder. And I'm like... And they kind of get stoic. It's like a buddy comedy from the mid-2000s. Get real stoic for a second and they're like, you shouldn't be doing stuff like that. And I turn around and that motherfucker's like just like what uh come with me for a second and like i don't he dude he honestly was really cool he was like hey man those work you don't have to test them out like we dropped them from like seven stories

with like concrete blocks in them like you don't have to try those out and i was like yeah i know it's my first i've roofed before but this is my first time wearing a hard hat and like i was i shouldn't even said that i should have just been like yes sir thank you for being cool but i was like yeah man it was pretty fun to do stuff like that i still think i still think it's really funny like i kind of like doing stuff like that, but he was like, I just go back. Just please don't do shit like that. No more boiling. I can't fuck it. Like, like we can't, he was like, I'm not going to write you up because I would have to write down in my paperwork and deliver it to the site supervisor that I walked into the

warehouse, the shipping warehouse. And there was a man, a grown man with a piece of three and a half foot rebar. And he was beating his head and with it which would probably require like the police like mental people like psychiatry like you just need to go back inside and just never do that again as long as you live yeah i've never been big on like uh safety eyes in general either yeah but i think that's partially because the ones i've met have mostly been like oil field safety guys yeah yeah and from from what i understand those are like the worst ones well they just they're paid quite a bit dude and they're

like uh and it's like a lot of times they're like because you can take those courses they only take like eight months well maybe a little bit longer this is i actually read into it when i was working and i thought about doing it before i went back to grad school to get more debt and one of the guys in the site supervisor was like yeah i'm gonna be a safety man in here a couple months i was like oh that's cool like you know he was like man you take eight month course it's like three or four thousand dollars it's just a couple paychecks or whatever and you know you could be a safety man it's like a seven eight thousand dollar a month like you knowcks or whatever. And you know, you could, you'd be a safety man. It's like a seven, $8,000 a month, right. You know, paycheck or whatever. And I was like, I fucking rocked.

But it's like, it's guys that were like in the industry and then like put the money they had not to child support for like nine different women, but to like, and so they, they just, it's just any reason to be a dickhead, you know, any reason to be like, you know, to tell people what to do, you know, to be like a cocksucker. to be like you know to tell people what to do you know to be like you're a cocksucker no i mean i mean not that those guys like it's not like one of those fields where like everybody in there sucks you know it's like a very necessary yeah job for sure it's a dangerous

ass job but it's just like it's one of those jobs where like the personality required a lot of times you know just attracts just yeah some of the worst people in the world alpha i was this yeah this is like the alpha brain like like mind this is off topic i was actually going to bring this up earlier but it's been fucking did you this is what we're talking about did you like was there like weird okay so when i was in junior high there was like something called scooping and it's where guys would go up to girls and like grab their tit and like move it up like like bounce it off their body or whatever and then they would do like slap ass like fridays and this wasn't just my junior i didn't go to a weird like uh this was just something it was like 2008 2009 whatever it was like a lot of junior highs

and it wasn't until dude when i i thought it was kind of weird but it was i was like whatever man like it's just junior high it's just high school because it went on to high school too and then like later on i was like dude i there was just blatant sexual assault happening like every fucking day in school and then no no i i i know what you're referring to on the slap ass thing and like i think we heard about it and like a few guys who were friends like jokingly did it to each other and then like what like one weird dude tried to do it on a girl or something and was just immediately like borderline expelled like like because he was he was like like kind of a creep and yeah yeah yeah it was like not even a a girl that he was like friends with it was just a woman but yeah and also it wasn't like

he had friends who were like dude dude he just like clearly just and then also yeah we were all immediately like hey dude like don't don't ever do that yeah yeah yeah like like we're at school right now so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna do anything to you in this moment but like like it's funny like don't ever do that again yeah it's funny there's not like a big age gap between you and you and i but there is like like i'm not i'm not trying to justify i'm just saying like literally like in in 2008 when i was junior high 2007-2008 like there was not even like the teachers would be like oh cut it out yeah it wasn't like post 2012 was like when my brother was in junior high where he told me it was kind of like there would be one guy that would do that, and then he just wouldn't be at school anymore.

But like before 2010, it was like I would be walking to like PE or something, and there would be a guy that would come up behind this girl I'd be walking with, and he would just get like a handful of her ass and be like, slap ass right. Like he would just – and I was like, huh and be like slap ass right like he would just and i was like huh and the girl be like and then like the principals and like the cops that were at the school would be like he got yeah come on we can't be like like he could like yeah set off a firecracker and under the bleachers they're like oh those kids know, like they can't, can't be doing, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The girl's visibly like, ha, ha, you know? And it's like, I don't know. It was definitely a pre-20, pre-2012. I'm sounding like I'm hearkening back for those days.

Like I'm yearning for that. There was definitely like a. There was a cultural shift. Yeah. It was, it was kind of funny. There was definitely like a – There was a cultural shift. Yeah. It was kind of funny.

We – like my high school like switched principals like I think my senior year. And it was funny because the one before was like this lady who like actually took her job seriously and stuff. And by most standards was actually like a good principal. Like all the teachers loved her. And then some coach became principal. some friend of the superintendents yeah yeah yeah and it went from like before when i went to the office for something which wasn't super often it was usually just like i i would have like 50 tardies in a year yeah yeah yeah yeah but before it was like dude you need to like turn your life around like you're good and and then it became like i would get in trouble for something like i did in class and i'd come in and the principal would just be like laughing with me

yeah like didn't care at all yeah like i remember one time i got in trouble in lunch detention and then they sent me to the office and found out that i was never given lunch detention i was just hanging out because one of my friends was in there yeah because i was like playing music from my phone and stuff and just openly talking and stuff yeah yeah yeah just ruining the whole this being just chaos yeah and they sent me to the principal's office and they were like, we're going to give you more lunch detention. And then the principal saw it and he was like, he was like, now, Thomas, you, I didn't give you any lunch detention.

I don't know why you, why are you in there? And then he like brought the vice principal in and they just both laughed. And they were like, now, I guess don't do that anymore, or we'll just keep your lunch attention. I mean, it's not a big deal. Just don't do that, I guess. And then I just – there were no consequences. Yeah, I wish – people – I've seen a couple viral posts that are like, I wish I would have realized that rules don't apply in high school. post they're like I wish I would have realized that rules don't apply in high school you know like I would have done I just kind of like I don't know man like they uh we have what we would have late start days on Wednesdays at my school and uh but if you showed up like a minute late they

would give you Saturday attention and they would they would be like like the the the football principal they'd be like assistant principals which are football coaches and then like the principal and they would like if you walk in which are football coaches. And then like the principal, then they would like, if you walk in, they would write you Saturday attention. And I realized like at 15, I was like, if I don't go to these, or if I tell them I'm not going to show up, then they're going to give me like in school. And then like, if I don't show up to that, they're just going to suspend me.

So I was like, I was like, can we just skip to foreplay? Like can you just suspend me for a couple of days? Cause I want to go home and like jack off and like play, I want to play Skyrim. Like I want to, I want to watch TV. And then like, I remember one of those principles was also my history coach and this was sophomore year. And dude, I'm not, you know what roots is right. The like movie roots. Yeah. Yeah, dude, this motherfucker motherfucker he would sit back on his phone we

would turn lines we watched roots like nine times that semester and then i had to take like like standardized tests which dude by the way not a big deal like standardized tests for like history in texas are like who was the president at the at the beginning of it and then who's the president now and you're like oh i got it it's not hard but like we would he would sit on the back of his phone and he had like a he smoked like two packs a day he smelled like cigarettes all the time so he had this really raspy voice and he'd be like he was a coon ass dude too like from louisiana so he would be like i don't need i said i would buy back behind him we'd be watching roots and then you would like raise your hand and you'd be like am i supposed

to be like paying attention to this and he'd be like i also i got like yelling at you to do something but you could not ascertain what it was and then so like the third time we watched roots that year is my sophomore year we just realized like this is what you're doing you're gonna watch roots and you're gonna watch like the live action pocahontas or whatever. And then you're going to have to figure out what U S history was like the last. Yeah. And that's, and I know that guy didn't have a degree in history. I don't even think, I think he was just really good at football in high school. And then he was a coach. And then because it's a poor Texas high school,

they were like, do you know who the president is now? And he was like, yeah, Barack Obama. And they were like, you're going to teach a U S history for like the next 10 to from when we can find another person to teach it it was like yeah uh you want to hear something funny is uh no i don't okay yeah no yeah we can wrap up recently the high school i went to, they got a new superintendent, and the head basketball coach immediately got fired. And it turned out the reason why was that he never had any teaching certifications. That's awesome. He was just, like, was good at basketball he was he went to he played sports in college golf yeah and he was

a kid in high school and he knew the he knew he was the nephew of the old superintendent nice and so it was just immediately hey you get to be at basketball uncles and nephews type yeah he was like he was like your age and he was just 26 years old maybe like a quarter million yeah yeah yeah he was like he would like flirt with all the like seniors and stuff he was just having a good time and and then new superintendent got there and he was like yeah dude honestly i've just been it's been coasting i i don't know i don't know why i'm i'm here you can go ahead and fire me yeah i know yeah there was a so my senior year there was a lot of hubble blue hullabaloo about why this class was allowed to be offered but it was literally like

a bible class like we would study bible but it's texas and it's a public school so it really wasn't that weird but there was a girl in that class who i grew up with who was constantly skipping but we were all seniors i would skip a lot so i never really thought much of it. And then like, I moved off to college and then the story breaks is, is that this girl was skipping Bible class to suck on the defensive line coach's penis in his classroom. Cause he also taught math. And like, I was like, that's cool. It's not that weird. You know, like he, she's 17, like he's 48. That's really fucking weird. But like this shit happens all the time. Like that's really disgusting and like irreprehensible, but this shit happens all

the time. So anyway, some years go by and I'm back home visiting and I'm still in college and I'm visiting, I'm visiting and I'm at a bar and she's there and I'm drunk and I'm like fucked up, you know? And I haven't, dude, I haven't talked to this girl now woman. She'd probably were like 2021, 22 in like seven years. We weren't even really friends. We were friends in elementary school. Anyway, I was like, Hey, is it true that you like, uh, we're getting your shit railed out, uh, in Bible class. Like you were skipping, uh, the class about the Lord, uh,

to go suck and fuck the defensive coach who got fired and lost his job and his wife divorced him. She was like, yeah. And I was like, she was really cool about it. I was like, Oh, did that? Like, she was like, man, I really loved him. And I was like, I'm going to, I, in my head, this went different. You were going to be kind of like defensive and it was going to be something rude I did. And it was going to make me laugh, but this is clearly something you're still struggling with like it's making you depressed so i'm going to go back to like being a shithead over there yeah yeah like

yeah i'm bad about that if i'm ever under those circumstances because I'll like just from the last time I like saw someone I won't remember anything that happened in their life since then I just remember seeing them and so I'll be like oh dude how's your how's your family and they're like I don't know if you remember but they all died in the fire like two years ago and I'm like oh dude that's sick man i mean that's not that's not good that's all right well i'll see you around i gotta i gotta drive like right now but yeah i'm bad about that i'm really bad with faces and names i tell people oh i'm bad with names i'm good with faces but i'm really not good with either and there was like there's been dude i can it still happens to me i have not gotten any better about this fucking impermissible behavior where some guy will be like dude jake holy shit brother and i'll be

like oh it's um hey man uh he's like dude how have you been man like and he'll know personal stuff about me and i have zero working knowledge of who this man is. Like, it's not even that I kind of like, oh, I don't know who he is. And he'll be like, dude, like I heard about what happened, man. I remember you telling me that, like, that sounds hard, man. I hope you're doing good. And I'm like, yeah, man, you got some shoes on. And I see you're, you got got a truck too. And, uh, you got ears and, uh, that's cool. I gotta go, I gotta go away now. Cause I don't like, you don't tell a person that you don't remember who they are. Well, I don't have that, um, built in. Like if, if I don't know who someone is in the moment and they say something to me, like, Hey, what? Uh, like I like like genuinely like it doesn't it doesn't click for me I'm like

I don't know who you are and you'll be like someone I've known since elementary school yeah yeah yeah because it's always like because girls are more likely to like just come up to you and be familiar or whatever yeah compared to like guys i'll see like i'll see like my best friend from like pre-k at walmart and i'm like uh i won't say anything to him but girls will be like we we rode on the same bus yeah fourth grade you remember i'm like yeah no no i i don't know who you are but i've done that with like family friends too like they've known me since I was a baby and I'll I'll just be like dollar general or something and they're like Thomas Thomas Thomas I'm like yeah it's me yeah what what are you what I'm getting Gatorade Gatorade and cigarettes I don't yeah this is gonna sound really douchey and there's just no other way else to put it but i was i was in austin and yeah that is a douchey yeah yeah it's a way to start

yeah and i was anyway this i went to a house party and this girl comes up and she gives me like a really not like a friend hug but like uh like we've fucked i don't know like she in that and i and she was like hey it's really good to see you and i was like soup i i don't uh uh hey and then she kind of i guess she read my face and i didn't really sell it very well that i tried to remember who she was she's like you don't know who i am do you and i was like oh man i really don't like i uh do we have a class together and she was like you were at my house from like like, Friday to Monday, like, two months ago. We, like, kind of partied together, and you, like, stayed over. And it was really fun. And I was like, yeah, I, like, I got to go.

My house is on fire. Like, I got to go. Like, yeah, it was really bad. And then, like, dude, I went home, and my roommates were like, dude, you really, like, that was really bad. And I, and like, and then like, dude, I went home and my roommates were like, dude, you really like, that was really rude what you did. But like, because I didn't remember, like, I didn't purposefully like, like try to not remember who this person was. I was just like, I didn't. So I was like, I didn't feel like I did anything wrong. I was like, yeah, people forget shit. You forget your own birthday. You forget when your grandma's birthday is. You forget to not drive drunk. You just forget to do shit. And they're like, no, man, that was really just kind of like a terrible – and you should feel bad.

And I'm like, I don't. So what does that mean? How do I move forward? I don't really feel bad about this, even in the slightest. I don't even – I don't. I don't know what you want me to do. Yeah. That happens to me

so often. I'm like, it's hard to keep track. It's hard to... That's why I said it's a douchey story to not remember your dick. I was thinking about just making something up like that.

I've never had that happen to me, but just being like, dude, that happened to me last year. Dude, there's... It was just... Yeah, dude, I get laid a lot. Yeah, dude, I was off hey man i'm sorry we gotta we gotta stop the pod we gotta cut it

but maybe pause because i'm just thinking about all the times i got pussy before i'm just just deeply crying that happens to me so much and i hate it when it does you were crying when you were like dude i'll go across the continent to get my dick sucked because it's like that made me laugh really hard because i like i got to the point like i guess the last few years but i'll do honestly i kind of always been this way around i don't know when people would be like this is like in high school and like even when i like got into my 20s and shit like a girl be like yeah i'm like home by myself and i'd be like dope and they're like what are you doing and i'm like yeah i don't know when people want me to like i don't know like i don't know how to read shit like that like i'm i still don't know like i'm gonna be 30 in like 45

minutes oh yeah i uh see i used to not care like at all but now that i like with with the sobriety stuff it's like i've got no no better better thing to do with my time really yeah like i'm not like writing a book or anything with it i'm just yeah i mean i'm i realize there's nothing productive it's gonna come out of any of my free time. Not doing drugs. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, and so at this point,

I'm like, you live in like Alaska. I'll start walking right now. I'll be there. What's today? I'll be there in six months. See. Yeah.

That's a fast walk. Yeah. I'll make it happen. I know a guy who walked here from Honduras. Yeah. Which I think you got to take a little boat ride because I think it's an island, right? Panama Canal, right? Like, I don't know anything about geography.

Well, I mean, maybe he took a road trip a little bit. Yeah. But he didn't have a car, yeah. Dude. Milko, if you're still working for wallace and you you follow me on twitter even though you have a full family and two jobs um please let us know if you walked the full way from honduras and left the kid you had as a 12 year old anyway there was a so i was when i was talking to this girl who was like really into hiking and like traveling and shit and and she was like and dude but at this time i'm like full-blown drug addict

i'm like 255 pounds and she was like do you know what the pan am is and i'm like no no what is that and she's like oh it's really cool it's where you um you you start from wherever you're at in the states you drive down to the tip of fucking Argentina or whatever the fuck is down there, Chile. And then you bike and road trip hike and, and, and, and bum rides all the way to the tip of Anchorage. So you go all the way across the continent. And, and I remember being as fucking hopelessly fucked up on drugs and as fat as I was being like, dude, yeah. When

do you want to, when do you, when do you want to go? Like, what are you doing? She's like, it takes like two years. And I was like, yeah, no, like, I think I love you. Like we're good. It's not a big deal. Like, and then just having one of those moments of delusions where it's like, dude, at this point I was getting out of of breath like walking to the fridge to get another miller high life like i there was if if i had taken a car to the tip of argentina by the way i also had no money so this is this is just this is just a fool's dream this is like one of those wanderlust trust fund things that you do when your dad is like an oil baron or like you know in the cia or whatever and then be like and then just entertaining this this farce of being like,

yeah, no, as I am now, dude, I could ride a bike across an entire continent over the course of two years. I would have a bunch of fun doing that. And I would really, I'm not lying to you out of some sense of obligation. Cause you want to do this. Yeah. I, for some reason, recently agreed to maybe run a half marathon in a few months and i i can't i can barely run like a mile yeah but you see at the time i'll

like agree to do pretty much anything i'll be like dude let's do it let's go let's go to france let's let's learn how to learn how to make wine there was a uh one night me and my friends were like he'd spent like the entire day like drinking and fucking eating pills and shit and it's like two in the morning and uh somebody some guy gets up off the couch dude with like this fucking determined look on his face he's like we should drive to manhattan and we're like yeah all right are you serious and he's like dude i will get in the car right now and and i was like okay yeah and so like we all but dude we're like super fucked up about viking and so we're like getting up very slowly and everyone's kind of like uh and then we get like at the door like i had like thrown a bunch

of clothes in a backpack i was like i'm going texas manhattan tonight i got no place to stay who gives a fuck i'm 19 years old who cares i'm gonna skip class i'm gonna skip work like this is just spontaneous it's cool it's what they do in the movies and then we get in the car and i was like hey this is probably the worst idea neither of us can back out of the driveway right now like none of like we were all too fucked up to even like get we were having trouble putting our seat belts on and we were all kind of like yeah and then we just sort of there's no cool ending to that story we just kind of like yeah we just kind of go back inside and we're like maybe we'll do manhattan on friday

like and we didn't we just watched the simpsceptions you know yeah or it's it's like uh like every once in a while back in back in my my prime my heyday about 18 months ago yeah uh you know we used to go to shows a lot and uh sometimes it'd be like south by south supposed to be coming up it's like dude we should like pool our money and like yeah like have a little show like a little pop-up and then we'd be like you know between like the nine of us friends i don't think we have twelve hundred dollars yeah yeah it's like i don't know if we have five hundred dollars uh a hundred bucks we don't have single artists following us on any social media. Yeah. Marketing talent or really, we don't know anyone. And it's like, yeah, maybe we'll just go to, just go to another show and just, you know,

listen to the music and stuff. It's like a, I guess sort of enterprising in general, like mostly ideas are had by people who have like $30 and then there's like, ah, nevermind. Yeah. Well, I, I do have to piss so fucking bad. I've been holding it in for like an hour since we started actually, because I, I brought like three white claws over here and I was like, and I was like, all right, I'm going to drink these while we're doing this.

This is something that's fucking hit my jewel. And then like, no fault to your own man. He had, you know, I drank all of them. And then like, I was about to go piss again. And you were like, I'm on. And I was like, all right, I don't want to waste this fucking, you know, so I got to piss. I got to piss. We've got some good time and so forth.

Yeah. I think we're at like an hour. It's not like 20. I'm just kidding. Yeah.