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I don't gotta do I gotta fucking I gotta go pick my guitar up and then I gotta fucking
I gotta do a bunch of chores and then I gotta go get some my mom calls and she's like
Do you have a stick of butter?
And I'm like, no, I have like a tub of butter
She's coming for Thanksgiving to St. Marcus and I was like she was like I has to be a stick
and I was like
What do you well like why and she was like it has to be like salted butter and I'm like, well, like, why? And she was like, it has to be like salted butter.
And I'm like, I have a tub,
a big tub of country crock butter.
She's like, well, I'm making roast,
and the recipe says stick.
And I'm like,
so a stick of butter is like
four tablespoons of butter, give or take?
She's like, no, it has to be in the stick form
because it's what it says here.
And I was like, it's my mom.
So, like, if you were to do this to me,
I'm like, you're the dumbest motherfucker.
Like, dude, literally get, like, are you fucking with me?
But it's my mom, so I'm on the phone and I'm like,
so what do you, like, need?
And she's like, I just need, like, a stick of butter.
So I'm like, okay, I got to go to HEB
for a stick of butter. And I guess while I'm there's like, I just need like a stick of butter. So I'm like, okay, I got to go to H-E-B for a stick of butter.
And I guess while I'm there, like I'll go get other shit.
But she was like, I was at the grocery store and I just forgot it.
And I tried to before the phone call ended.
I was like, butter salted, butter same.
Shape of butter not matter.
same. Shape of butter not matter.
You buy, you dig like a
you like buy
a butter wrapper on Craigslist
and you like
try and form a new
stick of butter. I like freeze it.
Yeah, I'm like I win.
She's like this is from the tub
and you formed it into a stick.
A perfect stick. You thought you could fool me?
She was, it was funny because i was like i
was trying to figure out if there was something i was missing like when somebody says something to
you that is like just so out like out there that you think maybe you're not following something
like there's something key that you're missing and so my brain was doing the like apple fucking like i'm just buffering i'm
like okay i don't want to sound stupid but a stick of salted butter tub of salted butter
butter same you know and she was like no no no has to be the stick she's like it melts different
and i was like i'm pretty sure she was like it can't be margarine either i was like i don't i
don't even know what she said on the phone i was like i've't be margarine either and i was like i don't i don't even know
what she said on the phone i was like i've never bought margarine in my whole cocks my whole
fucking life i don't even know where to go like margarine to me is like a great depression era
food item like i don't know where you'd even find that at like i'm sure you could get it like
anywhere i'm pretty sure i can't believe it's not butter. It's basically margarine.
But she was like, it can't be margarine.
And I'm like, Mom, we're not on the planes.
Like, when I go to the store, I get butter. I haven't been trying to unsuccessfully lose the same 50 pounds for the last 60 years.
So, no, margarine is not in my fridge.
so no margarine is not in my fridge.
Yeah, I've been gaining and losing the same 35 pounds since like 2017.
So yeah, I can't go with the margarine.
It's so funny to look at pictures of myself from like 2000,
because I was basically just like 180 up until like 2016,
and then the fluctuation started. And it's funny to look at myself I'm like okay 2016 it's a nice 215 that's that's good
okay 2017 we're back down 180 that's good 2018 225 2019 2555. Okay, that's enough.
And then, like, but I've just been gaining and losing basically, like, the same 50, 60 pounds for, like, the last three years.
Four years, I guess.
That's okay.
That's good for you.
alpha is to not get super jacked or shredded or in good shape,
but to get to a point where you feel comfortable and then gain that weight that you just lost back
so you have something to achieve to get back down to your comfortable weight.
I think I'm going to become a gainer bull,
but I'm not going to stop taking Adderall,
so I don't know how much work that's going to take.
I'm just eating like a sandwich every three hours and like throwing up like oh god that was awful i uh so i went oh this is bad i mean i guess i i'm
it's morbid curiosity so i obviously i found out about the gainainer Bulls from group DMs like five years ago.
And my buddy was like, have you ever seen any of these guys?
I'm like, what the fuck is this?
And he's like, they're called Gainer Bulls.
They're gay guys.
And they're like tops.
I didn't know they were all gay guys for the record.
I thought it was just.
I typically see them sitting on and kissing on.
I like the idea that being a gay guy is the embarrassing part of that.
It's a man who literally eats himself to death.
When I said I wanted to be a gator bull, I meant a straight guy who eats himself to the point where he has 38-inch double Ds.
And like a 68-inch waist.
Yeah.
in like a 68 inch waist yeah so anyway i went down the i went down a rabbit hole and those guys um a lot they're like the way that they do a lot of it is like it was a lot first of all just aside
from everything is just a lot of drinking but also it's like a lot of it's like a lot of protein
shakes like it's basically like a dirty bulk but you ever, ever go to the gym. It's like the same way that you're like, all right, I'm going to eat 5,000 calories a day,
but it's solid because I'm like, I'm in the gym lifting like two and three.
It's like 3,000 calories worth of shakes a day.
And then just your normal intake.
And then, you know, a lot of beer.
And it was like, I was on the Reddit and it was like, you know, this is how I gained like
150 pounds in
10 months and I'm like I'm still pretty small I like in parentheses 386 but I'm hoping to get
above 500 and I was like okay I'm invested in this I'm super super interested in how this goes and it
was just a guy breaking down like so you're gonna be sick like all the time like your blood pressure
like your doctor like basically you're not gonna want to be sick, like all the time, like your blood pressure, like your doctor,
like basically you're not going to want to go to the doctor.
Cause the doctor's just going to like,
not understand like what's going on.
Like he,
you can tell him it's like for,
for like trying to put on muscle is just,
but eventually,
so your blood pressure is going to be fucked up.
You know,
you're,
you're going to get fatty liver.
So you're going to feel sick a lot.
But if you really want to get that gainer bulls,
like look,
you got to really commit. And it's not about feeling great. It's about looking you really want to get that Gainer Bulls look,
you've got to really commit.
It's not about feeling great.
It's about looking how you want to look.
I've heard bodybuilders talk like this.
Bodybuilders that are 1% body fat for a show,
they're like, you don't feel good,
your dick don't work, you're irritable,
you can barely get out of bed,
you have no energy, but you look fucking incredible.
It's like, well, at least you look like Alina.
Yeah, at least you don't look like a fucking boss from like a video game from the 80s.
Like, is that the end goal?
Yeah. Imagine being a – I can see wanting to be a big Strong fat guy
If you're like 6'8
Yeah
You know
And you would literally be like
The scariest dude in the world
You know
Like
Yeah
Like an Eddie Hall
Who's that power
The strong man
Yeah
Imagine if you're 7 feet tall
600 pounds
And like
You kind of feel
Like you kind of
Like don't look like complete shit.
That would be insane.
But there's no human heart that can,
you know,
sustain that.
No.
Even just the being seven feet tall part,
you know,
it's not looking too good for you.
You don't live very long.
Yeah.
Those typically have shorter life.
Just even,
even,
you know,
seven feet tall and 200 pounds, you know, you're not doing
too great long term.
But anyway, sorry to disappoint.
Listeners, if you want to.
Yeah, yeah.
If you're listening and Shaq and all those guys.
Well, I don't want our listeners to be sad that both of us aren't, for the sake of kink,
gaining 500 pounds.
It's just not something that
i'm into thomas and i did i've been trying to gain like 15 pounds for like six months and it's
just now coming together since i uh or longer than that dude i've been trying to gain weight
for a while yeah it turns out i i uh nicotine was a big factor there yeah oh i i remember when you
came over to my place and you were sick and you weighed yourself and you were like,
I weighed 188 like four days ago.
And I was like, what do you weigh?
And you were like, 172.
And I was like, what's happening?
And you're like, I have no idea.
It's none of my business.
You had like that fucking weird sickness or something.
Yeah, I got down to like 165-ish.
Yeah, I remember You telling me that
Which is like
Are you saying
That's like not
That was the
Skinniest I've been
Since I was like
12
16 I think
Something like that
I mean which isn't
Insane
Yeah
Nothing wrong with
Anyway who gives a fuck
About that
Who gives a fuck
About that
Dude did you
I'll tell you what's important
Yeah
Is doing what's right
For your family uh yeah
hell yeah and taking care of your kids yeah taking care of your kids doing what's right by your
family uh i was watching uh i was watching that interview with the uh with the fucking
piece of shit who shot up the fucking uh you know that club in colorado springs i was watching
an interview with that guy's dad and obviously people on the internet like have to have a take
on everything because that's the way that the internet works or whatever and uh they were like
wow can you believe this guy's dad is like a like a porn addicted meth addict who hates like gay
people and people were
like there was this
I feel like there was
this manufactured
outrage of this
like guy
because in the video
the guy's like
I didn't want him
to be a homo
I heard he shot people
but you know
he just can't be gay
or something like that
and people were like
this is crazy
and it's like
nah I mean that tracks
like I'm not saying
it's good obviously
but that
you know
like he wasn't
I mean in private you're like that.
Fuck off, dude.
He was like in the interviews, like, violence isn't the answer, but, you know, I'm Mormon.
And I was like, God damn.
Also, he was like tweaking like a motherfucker.
I've never seen a Mormon who didn't have his shit together.
That was the first.
Yeah, that's the funny thing is is that like he was
he was mormon in the same way that like like just people you meet they're like you know i'm baptist
and you're like it's a guy you work with who like he says that after he tells you that he has been
like cheating on his wife with like like 19 year old pill heads for like the last 10 years he's
like but you know i make church every Sunday and a Lord doth forgive.
So you're like,
okay,
that sounds about right.
You know?
But,
uh,
yeah,
that guy was,
uh,
he was in an episode of intervention and,
uh,
he was a part of the meme that was like,
uh,
you know,
Aaron smokes meth and then masturbates for 12 hours a day.
Side note,
that is an insane amount of...
That's insane, man.
I don't think I've ever spent...
Like, in one sitting?
Like, in one kind of, you know, session?
I don't think I've ever spent more than, like, half an hour.
Like, that's...
And that's me pushing it to make a point.
You know what I'm saying?
10 to 12 hours?
Imagine a whole work day.
Just straight goonin'. I'm saying? 10 to 12 hours. Imagine a whole work day. Just straight gooning.
I'm trying to think, like...
The thing is, back to back, I don't know.
I feel like...
I guess if you're on meth,
it's probably easier to concentrate on it.
Well, I, like...
Here's the thing, though.
People say, like, oh, it makes you super.
Like, I've done meth on accident.
I'm pretty
sure twice and all it made me want to do was like like chew on baseboards and shit like i wanted to
like eat like like i wanted to i wanted to tear homes down from their foundation and stuff i never
ever ever ever was like i'm you know what sounds good right now jacking off for a half a half of a
gregorian calendar day like 12 hours a day like uh you know
well i was at a house party when this happened so maybe maybe i had other i would have been weird
for me to be like hey i'll see you guys on thursday what is it tuesday yeah you usually
whenever people on ad or this is not anything i know about usually when people on ad or i'll
jack off they think about killing themselves for about an hour
afterwards.
That's something that doctors
have said is usually true
about other people.
They usually
just kind of sit in the
dark and think about
what if God is real?
Yeah, and what if he's been watching
this whole fucking... And what if you're so wrong?
Yeah.
What if you're the most incorrect demands ever been?
And every,
if I'm at,
what if I imagine being the guy who jacked off more than anyone in history,
he wouldn't know.
He wouldn't really know for sure.
Nobody,
nobody thinks it's them.
Yeah.
There's a guy who beats off more than anyone in his neighborhood,
and he probably doesn't know for sure.
Well, actually, you know what?
Counterpoint.
The gooner guys.
Yeah, I was going to say, after being on r slash goon caves and fucking around,
those guys have an idea that at some point something slipped away from them.
Do their dicks work at all um i would imagine so i got they like i mean what do you mean work like they're jacking off
to completion but for like hours upon end right that's what i'm saying is are they like taking it
slow and steady oh i don't think anything about those guys is it slow and steady?
Oh, I don't think anything about those guys is particularly slow and steady.
They're not edging.
No, the thing is, after a certain amount of rounds, you know what I mean?
After a certain amount of rounds, I'm sure you're shooting blanks.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, but once you shoot dry, that's not good anymore.
That hurts.
That shit hurts, man.
Right, but I mean, here's the thing, though.
Have you seen some of those guys' setups?
No, I haven't really looked into it that much.
Dude, take a nice Friday.
Take a nice Saturday and just fucking head off. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow, man.
I'm not going to look up there.
I'm not going to look into this.
I've got to go visit my family.
Hey, Dad, sorry. I've got to fuck off to the bathroom for a little bit. Hey, Dad, sorry.
I gotta fuck off to the bathroom for a little bit.
Sorry, my friend Jake.
You've met him.
He told me to watch guys jack off on Reddit,
so I'm gonna do that.
I know we've hugged twice since I was born,
but that's what I'm gonna go do.
Hey, so if you guys want to put the cranberry sauce
in the fridge for me,
my buddy who I host a show with,
who you can't listen to by the
way uh you you did meet him he told me about guys who they set up um you know 4k 75 inch televisions
and they're sort of like jumbotrons back to back and they connect them and then they watch hardcore
uh pornography regardless of genre for 8 to 12 hours so i'm gonna go catch up on those guys
just you know just see what they're up to.
But you guys do keep testing.
Yeah, no, dude, it's...
I would imagine, from what I've read,
that there's probably drugs involved,
you know, stamina.
Like, that's my thing.
I've tried to not put myself in those guys' situations
because they're profoundly disturbed,
in my opinion, depraved people i think and and the way i see it they're probably maybe even um sad for sure a
little bit maybe even pouty maybe even maybe not even Yeah, maybe they've got a little... You know, the other day I was jacking off for probably...
I don't want to be crude here.
I was really beating the hell out of my snake for probably three days on end.
And, you know, I was sort of tugging on my animal.
I was going...
You know, I was beating my raccoon around.
I was going beast on my mole.
Basically stretching out my winky and making my...
Making my goop goop. My tumbleweed. I was shaking my tumcoon around. I was going beast on my mole. Basically stretching out my winky and making my... Making my goop goop.
My tump...
I was shaking my tumbleweed
and I was basically going...
I was creating slime
on my spare time, you know?
I was pimp slapping
my turbine down there.
I was getting my wrench torqued up
and...
Yeah.
Basically, I was...
I was fucking my dick
and... Basically, I was jacking off my penis to completion. Yeah basically I was I was fucking my dick and basically I was jacking off my.
Yeah, I was I was I was basically sucking my dick with my hand.
I was hugging my penis with my both my fists.
Dude, the other day I was sucking dick, just me and my hand.
And I do the other day.
God damn, I was getting an insane blowjob
just from my right wrist.
Dude, I fucked...
You're at work or whatever,
you're acting like...
Like you got pussy last night.
Dude, I fucked the hell out of myself last night.
It's like, man, you know,
I got myself pieces fucking...
Oh, man, I was over there at the fucking saloon
and over there off on 46
and I got me uh
i was one of them fucking dishwasher ladies she's just hanging out and we were talking about some
shots and man she's a fucking firecracker i tell you what she sucked dick like she's got a gun to
her head yeah man i uh dude i had something like that happen uh last night too i got a toilet paper
roll and i just put some spaghetti in it and uh you know i just kind of like it was a little cold
so i popped it at the microwave and i just fucking went to town on it with my stick
for like, you know, like several hours.
Yeah, I've heard about pussy.
That sounds good.
What I did, rather than like do anything with like a pussy or a sphincter,
what I did instead, I put a drywall anchor in and I put some Vaseline in it and I fucked it with my little...
Stinky pole.
Yeah, basically I went hog wild on the drywall anchor.
And yeah, you could say I was...
I definitely needed some spackling.
I was getting busy in the garage.
I had the engine hoist out.
I was working on my fucking...
You know that old Stingray my granddad gave me?
I was working on it.
I figured, well, I'm already here, so I fucking popped the carburetor.
I got her lifted up pretty good.
I had some brake fluid.
I hear it's pretty slick stuff.
I figured, you know, I just get to working on the car just just bore
that out you know it's metal there was a lot of shavings in there yeah i hear you yeah you know
the other day don't tell anybody but my old lady wasn't home and i set up a three-to-one pulley
system in the garage and i ripped my prostate system clean out yeah man you know the thing about the thing about working in an oil field is
is it um you got to blow off steam and your old lady don't understand you know she says oh you're
always out with the guys or you know you're always out fishing or y'all are out causing trouble but
thing is is we ain't even out doing that me thomas eric big mike big john big tim all the big guys we hang out at uh tim's uh
tim's mechanic shop and we rig up the engine hoists to our yeah to our butthole prostate
areas and we just rip our fucking whole prostates out just yeah it's the only thing we were kids we
used to do that to each other while we were asleep yeah and that's what we'd do is we'd cut out each other's rotator cuffs and eat them and then the basically the joke is the whole rest of the guy's life his
shoulders don't work the way they should yeah and he he wonders if something profoundly evil
and surreal happened to him yeah especially because of the knife wounds yeah both of his
heart pentagram shaved in the back yeah with a soldering iron for the rest of his life.
Yeah, and then we'd wake him up and we'd kick the fuck out of him.
Yeah, kick the fuck out.
We'd call him all sorts of manners, slurs.
Break his jaw.
Break his jaw.
We'd say, you're a girl now.
You don't even have a labrum anymore.
Yeah, we'd dress him up in a fucking, you know,
I'd put him on one of Granny's curling wigs on him,
and just a little bit of blush, and he's like, I feel sleepy. And I'm like, oh, you know, we had so much Dr. Pepper, you know i just a little bit of blush and he's like i feel sleepy and i'm
like oh you know we had so much dr pepper you're probably having a sugar crash yeah and uh i'm a
real kind of a monster i don't know if any of you guys know that about me uh but i appreciate y'all
having me on the night team at the warehouse yeah i tell you what man growing up it was different
out in the country you know one time we we while my cousin was asleep, we dressed him up like a scarecrow.
We put him out in the field, and he liked it so much he stayed a scarecrow forever.
He wouldn't turn back to human form.
It was some sort of magic.
His body became made out of cloth, and he still had that eerie smile on him forever.
Yeah, you know.
But that was just him. You know... That was just him.
That was just Winston.
When you're sowing your wild oats as a young'un,
I never really got too big into drugs,
but I was a necromancer there for a short while.
We used to bewitch
all sorts of animals,
and we'd cut their entrails out,
and we'd do our little ceremonies and stuff.
But that's just what you do when you're out there
in Texarkana.
You're trying to make love potions and stuff.
Yeah.
I became a necromancer because I thought it stood for
naked romancer.
Yeah, it turns out that was not
the case at all. I thought I was going to be a stripper
for Chippendales and it turned out I was
trying to get, I guess,
raise the devil from his
realm.
Which I did do a couple times anyway so
thank you yeah i raised uh i actually raised up a my old gardener my parents old gardener from when
i was growing up you know yeah yeah i've raised his soul up from the dead and i made made him pull
out his thing and i sent him back to hell god damn dude doing a whole like black magic ceremony from like like alistair crowley's like
book of the lima and you get the bones and blood you carve the pentagram into hardwood
you know you get all the fucking essences and the herbs and shit. And you're like, all right, you know, who are we bringing back from the dead?
A Puerto Rican gardener.
Okay, what for?
I don't know, just ask some questions for him.
You know, he's, you know,
I want to talk to somebody who died hundreds of years ago,
but doing a job that people still do now.
I want to see what his life was like.
Okay, it's a historical thing, fine.
Puerto Rican gardener shows up oh senor you know like
hey could you pull your penis out like your little green ghost yeah let's see that cock
let's see that ghost dick i say okay give us all let's see that fucking hammer you got in there so
back down there in hell you're in hell right i'm assuming because you're uh i don't want to say you got your hell jeans on he's just got a name tag says hell enrique listen listen enrique uh
there's a question for you so we disturbed your slumber uh partially now i lied to them and said
i wanted to talk to somebody who has died doing a job you know for like 200 years ago uh but i
really want to see if you guys have penises down there. I see you. We have penises.
He's like super easy.
I have penises.
They don't take it off of you when you go down there.
You just don't get to play with it as much.
Typically, they rip it off of you every day,
and then it grows back,
and it's sort of a thing that's been happening since I die.
But, yeah, if you want to see it.
By the way, I'm down here because I am Catholic.
Yeah.
By the way, as it turns out, I don't know what you guys are doing here.
Are you guys like Lucifer guys?
Yeah, we're all Satanists.
So the one religion that you guys probably stick to is Southern Baptist.
I know you probably played around with it when you were a kid, but it's Southern Baptist.
That's the right one.
If any of you guys are like we're Mormon or your parents are Catholic or maybe they're like Lutheran, Methodistan methodist any other stupid shit i would strongly advise you you tell him go to first baptist you know the one
with the trump stuff and all the fucking maga and confederate stuff i don't care if they're mexican
or you know they're black or whatever you just then it's so they're baptist it's the right one
you get down there the devil he's just like a guy from like uh arlington he's just like he's got a
big hat he's got a bolo tie
he says all the words to you too you know all the bad ones but uh yeah he's just like a big fat guy
from like aren't like outside arlington god all right well you know i can see you trying to sneak
your way out of this i know this earth air feels great yeah and it'll feel even better on your
cock so i feel as though you're telling me a lie.
I do believe that you went to hell for being Catholic.
Look, if you don't start telling the truth,
we're going to start beating the crap out of you.
I know that my hand passes right through.
Like you've never experienced these.
I know that you were killed by a bunch of guys
that came back from the war from 1812,
but you're going to get a beatdown
right here in this fucking New York City apartment
I'm gonna fuck you
so pull out that green ghost dick
and show daddy what you got
imagine bringing back Abe Lincoln
just cause you had a bet with your friends
about yeah
I bet 200 bucks that your dick
was exactly 7 and a half inches
long
which is you know not outlandish,
but still a decent size.
And for a guy your height, you know,
not out of the question at all.
And he's like,
this is,
did you have any other questions?
No, I don't really know who you are,
to be honest.
Hey man, I learned about your ass in fifth grade.
I just want to see what that cock looks like.
I know you could wrestle,
and I know your wife was a
bitch. Big old busted ass hog, dude.
I know you loved watching movies.
That was about it.
But let's see it.
Or I
guess you're honest. Abe, you can just tell me
and I can look at it just for fun.
You know what, guys? You're right. It's actually
8.25.
Just a clean pink disc. This next year, three quarters of an inch. It's actually 8.25. Like, clean. Just a clean pink disc.
Well, see, that's an extra three-quarters of an inch.
I'm losing money.
Can you just lie?
You're dead.
You don't get pussy anymore.
You're dead.
Hey, man.
Hey, look.
I'm in heaven because I made Lincoln.
I'm telling you, 8.25.
If I lie, I go to hell.
I did have a sliver.
Flaccid.
How long is it flaccid?
You know what?
I'm a grower.
It's actually like
by about 3.75.
Okay, we averaged
those two though.
You're going to come
about like...
It's like six
and some change.
Yeah, six and some change.
Fuck.
Here's the thing though.
I'm fucking...
I'm sending you
back to hell now.
You don't get to be
in heaven anymore.
He's like,
I don't think
that's how it works.
God calls down,
that's how it works
in hell.
That's how it works. God calls down, that's how it works in hell. That's how it works.
Fuck.
You're like,
dude,
you perfect black magic necromancy.
Like,
something that people
have been chasing
literally since like,
humans,
like you're trying to like,
the only person
who's apparently done it
is Christ.
And you know,
and that you've,
you perfect it.
But the only reason you do it is to bring back historical
figures and you're trying to figure out
like who from history had the biggest
penis I bring back
King Vaughn and I'm like
who do I need to slide
on to avenge you
who do I need to
hey Vaughn no I'm going to keep you here for a couple
centuries okay who do I need to... Hey Vaughn, no, I'm going to keep you here for a couple centuries, okay?
Who do I need to slide on, Vaughn?
Do I need to slide on Durkio?
On Daddy Durky?
Do I need to slide on Daddy Durky?
He's like, please man, can you just send me back to hell?
Please.
I'm a serial killer. I would rather be in hell than talk to you right now.
You are such a bitch.
I'm like, oh, yeah?
I'm a bitch because I haven't slid for you yet, King Vaughn.
You want to slid that huge black...
No.
No?
Okay.
No.
I was just curious if you wanted to do anything like that.
No, dude.
Sorry, Vaughn.
You can go back to hell, Vaughn.
You can keep your big, fat, white lips shut.
Hey, listen. Dave, Vaughn. You can keep your big, fat, white lips shut. Hey, listen.
Dave, hey, listen.
Jefferson Davis, I know that you were up to no good.
My granddad thought you were a pretty cool guy.
He had a picture of you in his barn.
And I know you made some mistakes in your life i know that you were kind
of like the confederate guy but i'm just wondering uh how big is that thing like is it uh so like you
you know i know you hung out with a lot of you know you know i mean you got a word you know i'm
just curious you're like how did it measure up you know i'm saying like was it was it kind of thin or was
it like a big old meat pile you know i'm saying yeah like in your in your confederate trousers
because because i want people to know something about men from the south it's not we all got big
ones okay yeah we're all we're all really hung right both me Both me and you. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, for sure.
He's like, 100%, man.
Again, I think I'm going to have to side with King Vaughn,
even though he's, you know,
I would rather be in hell than be,
first of all,
why the fuck am I here with King Vaughn
in your living room right now?
I don't know who this is.
I mean, I did see him in hell.
So we're bringing in a neutral subject here.
Malcolm X.
Malcolm X, I know you're happy to see me.
Keep in mind, this is a middle class apartment in the Williamsburg area.
So middle class means $4,800 a month, as I'm sure you know. Right, this is a middle class means forty eight hundred dollars a month as i'm right this is a middle
class soho apartment this is a middle class working class dsa apartment that i paid i'll
have you know the people of every race work at this this complex they work in the lobby right
i am a communist by the way i need you to understand right that i'm malcolm what i was wondering um had have you ever used a cock ring
because i've heard of people using them who didn't have erectile dysfunction i didn't know
if it was kind of like an autoerotic asphyxiation thing? And I just didn't know.
I figured you were the only person I could think to ask because I have dyslexia,
and it's hard for me to type names.
So your last name is just one letter, so that was pretty easy.
I tried to get Martin Luther King here, but King Von showed up.
I think there was a bit of a thing here.
Oh, by the way, Malcolm, meet King Vaughn.
King Vaughn, Malcolm. Malcolm X,
King Vaughn, meet Jefferson Davis.
Malcolm, this is
our Malcolm X, King Vaughn.
Yeah, yeah. He did a lot of
cool stuff, mostly just armed
robbery and serial murder.
And now we'll be bringing in our MLK.
Drake isn't dead yet,
but we can still bring his spirit in because he's split his soul apart so many times.
Yeah.
He's so I don't know how to.
OK.
Anyway, Malcolm, a couple questions.
What's the baddest piece of pussy you ever got to?
How big is it?
Now, me and me and Thomas were talking.
Thomas thinks that you are more of a girthy, shorter-lengthy, chody guy.
I actually went because of your build.
I'm thinking long but thin.
But, you know, Malcolm, you let us see it.
You let us see that ghost.
What I think, Malcolm, and I'll give it to you straight,
is a guy with that much speaking ability has no need for a big penis.
You know, the most persuasive men in the world are not the ones,
you know, the silent hung type.
You know what I mean?
You bring back LBJ and his penis is already out.
Yeah, LBJ just starts raping me immediately.
You bring him back and his penis is already out through the jeans.
He's like, hey, what's up, cockjuggers?
He appears with his dick in my mouth.
What the fuck, dude?
This fucking sucks, man.
I told you I'll cut you.
Hey, hold on.
I'm going to ask you some questions.
He's like, how big is your dick?
I'm like, this is my show.
This is my necromancy podcast, okay?
This is my necromancy.
He's like, I just brought you back from the dead, bitch.
I'm like, no, I built one.
Listen, all right, you got this.
Who's this fella?
Oh, shit, Malcolm.
I just decided I'm going to war with Africa.
Fucking Malcolm, I thought the FBI got your ass.
Who else is here?
Jefferson Davis.
God damn.
Fuck, man, I learned about you in grade school.
Okay, who else we got here?
Talk about a blunt rotation.
Talk about a blunt rotation, dude.
Just giving Jefferson Davis, LBJ, King Fawn, and Malcolm X weed from now.
Like just letting them all hit like a delta.
We give them all like K2.
Yeah, like delta 8 pin.
Let's see who can survive the longest.
Like who can sit back to hell first.
Oh, my God.
So you put me – LBJ is like you put me in a room with one of the greatest men
that ever lived, Jefferson Davis.
And then Malcolm who, I mean, you know, I got some sort of respect for,
I suppose, you know.
I mean, you did – I mean, you definitely know how to read.
And then this King fellow.
Who's he king of? Who's he king of?
What's he king from?
I like that in this situation, three of the guys knew each other.
And Abe Lincoln is just there like.
Nobody?
Nobody's going to say hey to me.
I'm Abraham Lincoln, clearly.
Clearly Abraham.
I could not be anyone else.
I'm either that or a weird amish guy yeah clearly abraham but i'm clearly you've seen pictures of me dude i'm fucking i'm nobody looks
like me throughout history like people look like each other nobody looks like me i'm fucking like
eight feet tall he looks like if john fetterman got. Like if he lost like 300 pounds. Yeah, he does have that kind of thing going for him.
So we got Abe Lincoln.
We got King Von.
We got LBJ.
We got Malcolm X.
And we got Jefferson Davis.
Who else would you bring back from the dead ass from the size of their penis?
As soon as Adam 22 dies, I want to bring him back.
Have him on a panel with Abraham Lincoln and Malcolm X.
Oh, my God.
That would be awesome. And Winston Churchill.
Okay.
Napoleon.
Okay.
And Adolf Hitler.
Okay.
Now, this will be kind of like The View.
Okay, I'm listening.
I'm so sold already, but I will listen some more.
Okay, so it will be basically on the same time slot
as The View currently is.
Mm-hmm.
And we'll cycle it.
It'll be called The View.
Right.
We'll do this slowly.
Every time a host dies or or whatever or leaves the show
one of these guys will kind of uh work their way in i think we better start with probably abraham
lincoln or um uh no we should start with adam 22 yeah have the host already established because
he'll be the thought most recently dead recently dead. Yeah. He just died.
I just shot him in the chest like 10 seconds ago.
Yeah.
We do Adam 22 whenever the old bitch croaks.
Yeah.
And then whenever Meghan McCain chokes on a taco and dies, we're going to have fucking
Malcolm.
No, not Malcolm X.
Abraham Lincoln come in. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, you can't get mad at Abraham Lincoln. No, not Malcolm X. Abraham Lincoln come in.
Yeah.
Because it's like, oh, you can't get mad at Abraham Lincoln.
No, he's.
And Adam 22, which is who gives a shit.
He's a wigger.
Who, like.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
And obviously, the last.
Out of all these guys, the last one you put on there is going to have to be Hitler.
Because you really can't start off with, you know, what would Meghan McCain say to Hitler?
I like the idea of –
Well, she'd probably say, Dad, you're back.
I like the idea of Hitler and Jefferson Davis.
I forgot.
I completely forgot about him.
See, I guess –
They see Adam-22 and they're like, Hitler's like,
a tall white man, you know.
Okay.
And, you know, Jefferson Davis is like, God damn, that's a tall drink of water.
I wish we could have had him on our side.
Then Adam 22 starts talking.
He's like, yo, so like if a motherfucker.
Yo, like.
No, I think Adam 22 would code switch really hard.
You think he would for Hitler and Jefferson Davis?
So, guys.
Hey, everybody.
It's me.
Hey, we're back with The View.
Hey, cocksuckers.
It's me. Hey. we're back with The View. Hey, cocksuckers. It's me.
Hey.
He gets all his tattoos removed.
He just comes wearing a judge wig.
Yeah.
He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
That would be so wacky to do anything like that.
It would be so crazy.
I don't know if the show has the budget for something like that, but it doesn't really
matter because we're just having a little goof. That's what're doing we're just messing around we're just this is the
pandeo time thanksgiving special yeah dude the uh second annual uh yeah this is our second
thanksgiving second second year we're coming up on year two alive uh we're coming up on year three, beginning, I guess, the year two landmark.
Yeah, year two landmark is December 7th, I think,
was when we released the first episode.
Dr. Pecker.
Listen, folks, if you guys want this show to keep going,
you're going to have to really start digging into those wallets.
Because me and Thomas, we keep telling each other, you know,
I want to get a BBL.
I want to get fake tits.
I want to get...
I want a new pair of shoes.
I got poop on mine.
Wild dreams like that. Yeah. so here's the thing when me
and thomas started this we were playing a lot of war zone and uh we didn't know what to talk about
uh we would start zoom calls that would last like like two and a half hours yeah we wouldn't be able
to hear each other the internet was so bad and then then we were like, oh, you want to play Warzone?
And then we would just accidentally almost win.
But it's mostly because we would just get in the truck and like...
You said it's like we did this and then stumbled into greatness.
No, we didn't stumble into greatness.
I don't want to make it seem like...
It's not like, man, we were playing Warzone and drinking a lot.
And then what we did after that was we invented a new medium we
invented the polio vaccine yeah no i don't want to make it seem like anything anything grand
occurred post what we were doing but the only thing that happened was is that i opened audacity
and i found out how to press the record button and basically it's the same as as it's always been uh i mean obviously the the tech
has gotten much better uh and the production has gotten like four percent better um but you know
when i look back on me and thomas's two-year anniversary it's coming up you guys want to
know what i got thomas yeah we want to know we want to know yeah i got thomas so what thomas you know people gauge their ears
uh thomas has been gauging his butthole out uh because he wants to shit like a solid
sort of an orb it's patently false and so what we started off with something that's about as
big around as a jalapeno pepper and now in two years later we've got kind of like a bocce ball. Kind of a big grapefruit.
What the fuck a bocce ball is?
What the fuck?
Is it bocce?
And so now
Thomas sends me pictures of his poops. They're perfectly
spherical and shiny. I've never done that.
It's funny that you haven't but you have sent me
a picture of ass cheeks
and the base of your penis.
No. No. No.
No.
No.
So much stuff now is just made up
crap. Have you noticed? It's all fake news, man.
Yeah, you go on the news
and it's just a bunch of shit about how Chuck
Schumer's getting tits and we all have to
jizz on them.
I'm like, I don't want to do that.
You turn on the news and it's like you have
11 police officers outside
your house and you walk outside
you get shot 25 times in the chest
27 times in the legs, 25
times in the feet, 24 times in the
head, 25 times in the back of the head
17 times in the neck, 2 times
in the toes, 1 times in the fingers
1 time in the neck and 1 time in your
nostrils and 75,000 times in the eyes and the time in the neck, and one time in your nostrils, and 75,000 times
in the eyes, and basically your neck,
and your ears, and 70 million
times in your ass, and your penis,
and your balls, and your belly, and your chest, and your
neck, and your vesicles, and your lymph
nodes. And it's like,
I don't even want to watch TV at this point.
I think the two most fuckable politicians
to me, like in terms of sassiness,
like in terms of attitude, like pouty, sassy attitude, got to be Lindsey Graham, Chuck Schumer.
I mean, they just they just just exude like a profound, like like coy, like a profound, like, you know, like like Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are like.
I don't know how to describe the type of gay it is.
It's a type of – we've talked about Lindsey Graham on the show.
But it's a type of gay that's like – I don't know.
I think maybe.
I thought Chuck Schumer was just kind of like an old soft-spoken Jewish guy.
Who am I thinking of with the – Trump called him a pencil neck.
I think it was Chuck Schumer.
Schiff.
Adam Schiff.
Yeah, I think that's who I'm talking about.
Let me look up.
I think it might be Chuck Schumer.
Hold on.
Let me take a look at him.
He was the fucking Senate majority leader or whatever.
This cocksucker is not...
No, he's a...
Yeah, you know what?
Take a look at this motherfucker and tell me he ain't a little...
I can't really see that.
I can see him.
He just looks like an older Jewish guy.
Adam Schiff.
Is that who I'm thinking of?
Chuck Schumer, I think he's just evil.
No, Chuck Schumer's just an evil guy.
Let me take a look at this motherfucker. I mean, obviously he's a pussy, think he's just evil. No, Chuck Schumer's just an evil guy. Let me take a look at this motherfucker.
I mean, obviously he's a pussy, but he's a politician.
Oh, yeah, no, for sure I'm talking about Adam Schiff.
You can't see him, but yeah, no.
I'll just look him up.
Yeah, he's got like a fucking kind of like a...
He's just got that like...
He looks like a serial killer that would kill strictly gay men.
Like, I don't know how else to put that.
Him and Lindsey Graham both.
Kind of like an Ed Buck thing going on.
Let's see.
Serial killer who would only kill gay men.
Do not say it's a picture of me.
You guys don't look that much alike.
Do not say, oh, you got me so good.
I walked right into that.
That was a pretty good one.
That was good, man.
I'm going to come to your house, and I'm going to beast out your hole.
You are going to come to my house at some point. We come to each other's houses. That was a pretty good one. That was good, man. I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to beast out your hole. You are going to come to my house at some point.
We come to each other's houses.
That is true.
I don't like the shape of this guy's Adam's apple.
No, he doesn't.
He looks...
Look at his neck.
Look at his neck, dude.
He's got like fucking three Adam's apples.
Again, he...
What the fuck is...
Oh, no, it's just his lymph nodes.
Yeah, he just has thyroid cancer.
That's fine.
Anyway, they represent a type of coy, old-timey, Patrick Stewart type of gay guy to me.
What's this you got there?
He's just an actor.
No, wait.
No, one of them.
Ian McKellen.
He's a fucking stage actor.
No, he's gay.
Of course he's going to be.
He's gay.
No, I mean, he is gay, but that's his thing. Right, but it's a certain... It's a Broadway actor. He's going fucking stage actor. No, he's gay. Patrick George is gay. No, I mean, he is gay, but that's his thing.
Right, but it's a certain...
He's a Broadway actor.
He's going to be gay.
Okay, don't fucking split hairs with me.
Okay?
A fucking old Broadway actor, the character you were being is coy gay man.
Like, hey, what do we got here?
What's all this here?
It's not coy, though.
That's kind of coy.
There's nothing secretly gay about being an actor.
No, I mean, your
sexuality is coy. Your
horniness is not overt.
Is it? You're on a stage in front of other men.
Right, but you're not fucking them in their ass on
stage. You're doing that in backstage.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, speaking of
gay guys on stage with other men, come to our live
show. Is it time to start plugging yet?
Los Angeles.
No, it's not,
but just for the moment,
just in case people don't get
through the whole episode.
Yeah, if you don't get
through the whole episode,
we're going to do
like a three-quarters-of-the-way plug.
That's right.
We're doing Divergill in Los Angeles,
Santa Monica Boulevard,
6 p.m. December 10th.
Tickets are starting to move
pretty fucking quickly.
Really?
Yeah, so we've sold probably 10,000 tickets.
That is way too many.
Yeah, the fire department is pissed, but we're so funny and so cool.
Yeah, we're going to have 25 back-to-back-to-back shows.
Yeah, I have to quit my job.
And we should be done around February.
We're doing a tour just in one spot. I have to quit my job. And we should be done around February.
We're doing a tour just in one spot.
I have to move to L.A.
So anyway, yeah, go check that shit out.
The ticket links are on Patreon.
By the way, while you're at the Patreon.
If we could have some money there also. And if you want to give us a little subby dub,
if all of the people who listen to this fucking show subbed,
I know that you would lose $5 or $10 if you have it,
but Thomas and I wouldn't have to work anymore,
and that is pretty sick if you ask me.
And I would still make Jake work just because I believe in doing your part.
And so I would make sure I would keep tabs on Jake's computer just like I do now,
make sure he's working throughout the day.
Anyway.
Yeah, come to those shows and sub to the podcast on Patreon.
Like we were saying. Like we were saying.
I'm sorry for distracting you, Jake.
Jacking off, penis size king von
uh the broadway actors and adam schiff yeah adam schiff and lindsey graham are a type of
old school gay guy uh doesn't exist anymore they're like a forgotten breed
like here's the thing what if like i'm i'm talking like an old like uncle who like like the way
football used to be played instead of all this flashy stuff you know just run a damn ball we
don't got to be doing none of this but i'm just talking about like old different like old type
man you know gay men used to have wives they They had families, too. They weren't hanging around at bars called, like, the Iron Penis and the Deep Hole.
You know, man, they had whole-ass families, and they took care of them.
And every now and then, them and their buddy John go on golfing trips.
You know, that was the good old days.
The good old gays, I like to say.
That was the good old days.
The good old gays, I'd say.
Yeah, now you'll see a gay guy and he's just openly in a relationship
with another gay guy.
Who the fuck?
Just happily living their lives.
Who would think that you'd ever come to a position
like that point in time in history
where something so absurd could exist?
Yeah, they'll just go get groceries together and stuff.
Yeah, they'll get married and they'll adopt
like a
like a child who otherwise maybe would have lived an abject have like happy happy lives together
these these gay men these days are making fucking money brother let me tell you so make more money
than me gay guys are so rich i haven't i haven't really i don't think anybody was keeping tabs on
it and then just gay guys are rich dude i had a I had a fucking, I did, I were just doing this.
I was at Whole Foods getting like a certain type of sauce I wanted to use to make stir fry.
This was, I don't know, like six months ago.
And I ended up getting like some sparkling, I don't know, dude, I spent like 150 bucks.
I'm not kidding.
I'm like, it's Whole Foods.
It was like maybe nine or 10 items.
Dude, two gay guys, two baskets piled on top.
Like the baskets were overflowing.
And they were just fucking around in the meat aisle where I was at.
And I was like, this is $1,000 worth of groceries.
Easily.
And I was like, these guys got it made.
It ain't like it used to be.
Used to be, dude, if you're gay, you would get something bad happen to you.
Probably.
You try and work at the shooting range for a while.
You'd sound a lot like me, and you'd look a lot like me, and you'd work at...
Usually, if you were gay and you had an effect that was a false bravado type thing,
where you just sort of sounded like you lived on a ranch, even though you grew up in Highland Park.
Yeah.
Like a really nice area.
You grew up Catholic, kind of old Catholic.
You just sort of hide in plain sight.
Yeah.
A lot of gay men don't look like me anymore,
but back in the day they did.
Back in the day they looked pretty much exactly how I look,
and they talk how I talk.
They talk how I talk. But that's how I talk. They talk how I talk.
But that, you know,
it's not here nor there. They're different now.
They be living different ass lives.
I like
the A of redneck.
Yeah, brothers be talking all that crazy
shit outside their mouth.
Hey, I mean, you know, you want me to slide on his ass for him,
because I get that get back on phone to him, you know what I'm saying?
I'll tell you what, man, I'll keep that blicky on, bro.
I'll keep that blicky on my fucking sticky piggy.
I'm going to put it with him at the goddamn hollow points.
I'm going to let that F&N stick on.
I'm going to let that F&N stick in there, you know what I'm saying?
FN-57, they go through bottom of my leg, nothing, man.
I'm just boom, Howard.
I told her, I told her. You'm the boom hour. I told her.
You don't know me.
I got my chopper with me.
She's one of the banks.
She's going to catch both of them.
I told her.
I said, I don't.
You can catch shit.
I ain't doing no niggas.
I mean, come on.
Peggy.
I told you.
You got to.
I got to find it.
Ball.
Blimey.
Ball.
There it is.
It's closer.
All right.
I got to find it.
I can never do it off the jump.
I got to find it.
Peggy. I'm Hank Hill. Peggy, I'm Hank Hill.
Peggy, I'm Hank.
Shit, I was way off for that one.
Can I say the N-word, Peggy?
Hey, it's me, Peggy Hill from King of the Hill.
Hey, Peggy, it's me, your husband, Hank.
Hi, Hank, it's me, Peggy.
Hi, it's Bobby Hill.
Hey, it's Luann.
Hey, it's me.
Bill Doudreef
My name Hank Hill
I was way off with that one
You hit con pretty close
No I was
Hank Hill on that one
My name Hank Hill
My name Hank Hill
Hank Hill
Hi Hank
He has that
Cotton They go to Japan to meet his old long lost love and uh hank has that brother
uh jon chiro and he answers the door and uh it looks just like hank but he's got like the eyes
and he's like a little tanner and he's just got like the asian bangs running like directly across his head and hank's like oh who are you and he goes i am juchito and then cotton's like i think this
is your brother hank and then like walked right past him it's fucking one of the dude oh man i
hope they bring no don't bring it back i don't know but fuck that was this i just thought i love
hank hill man king of the hill is one of the best shows but you know you have to be from Texas to understand it you know saying man yeah it's like it's like uh you ever watch girls and you're
not from New York it just doesn't click you don't understand that yeah or it's like if you like
watch Rick and Morty and you don't work at a fast food place dude um so like I never understood the
whole joke of like I never had anyone people are like oh people think understood the whole joke of like, I never had anyone, people are
like, Oh, people think Rick and Morty is like a smart show.
Like, Oh, sorry.
Sorry, kid.
You got to have like a high IQ to understand that.
I just thought people were like making up a guy to get mad at as people are typically
want to do.
But I was, I was like working at, um, BJ's and, uh, like literally a pizza joint, literally
the pizza joint
and
somebody
we were like talking about shows
and I was like yeah
I don't know
favorite show
probably like It's Always Sunny
and this guy was like
oh dude
if you like It's Always Sunny
you gotta check out
Rick and Morty
and I was like
ah it's kind of not for me
you know
it's just like not my thing
or whatever
he was like
well I mean you know
you kind of like
gotta really think about a lot of the jokes.
And this was around the like pickle thing.
That's like I was like, oh, like that one where the guy turned himself into a pickle.
And he's like, dude, yeah.
So it's so funny.
And I was like, I love a guy who has like and I'm not I'm not a genius.
I'm not a smart guy.
But I love a dude who's cruising it like
a 96 IQ like a hot like a like a balmy summer day but for but you're just past retardation to
believe that you're like a 160 IQ guy like you know I'm saying like guys that are just kind of
like 90 to what you know just they know how to like you know fucking do basic shit they can
feed themselves they're not fucking mentally retarded but they're like they watch Rick and
Morty and they're like huh the light speed that's the fastest thing a thing can go a lot of people
might not get that they might not understand something. Only smart guys would understand that.
I can't really make fun of guys in that IQ range
because it's our bread and butter right there.
Actually, you know what?
I don't know about that.
I feel like our listener...
I feel like the average person is not,
myself included,
is just sort of cruising around.
The average, I think, is like 105.
I don't know what the average is.
It's like 105.
I thought it was like 98.
No, I think it's like the average.
Let me Google it.
Average IQ.
I thought like 100 was meant to be the average.
Average IQ USA.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, so most people have an IQ between 85 and 115.
But the average is typically somewhere between 98 and 100.
Yeah, you're right.
Huh.
Anyway, if the average is 90.
Like, if I got a 96 on an IQ test, I'd be like, that works for me.
Nobody thinks of themselves as stupid.
And that's silly.
Also, I mean, IQ tests are a little bit made up.
It's how good you are at puzzles.
Yeah, no, for sure.
Just fine.
But, I mean, what did Stephen Hawking do?
He just sat in a fucking wheelchair.
For like fucking 80 years.
Yeah.
You know, it's really stupid being disabled.
Hey, nice big brain.
Can you fucking do a front flip on a trampoline?
You fucking...
I know guys who fucking get high off a duster every day,
and they're smart enough to do a kickflip.
Are you, Stephen Hawking?
Oh, you're only smart enough to molest a child.
Cool.
Yeah, I know guys who've been doing Viking and fucking their whole, they raise kids on Viking.
But, Dan, when it comes time to get on that trampoline, they can do a double backflip and their kid loves them.
They think he's Superman.
What can you do on a fucking trampoline, Steve?
You can't do dick.
You can barely forget your shit hard.
I chipped a tooth on a dumbbell one time.
I own a comb.
Albert Einstein.
Something to think about.
Dumbass.
Hey, how many...
Your hair looks stupid.
How many dumbbells did you chip a tooth on, fucking Stephen Hawking?
I'm going to go and guess zero because you have goop goop body.
Yeah, if I threw one on you, you'd go through your fucking chest cavity if you weren't dead.
You can't catch shit.
You wrote Theory of Everything. Oh, Ro,
you wrote the time book. Fucking get fucked,
dude. Anybody can write a book. No, you wrote
a short-ass equation that anybody
can come up with. Fuck you.
Oh, fucking E equals whatever the fuck.
I think that was Albert Einstein. Yeah, I'm so...
That was...
That was Tony Hawk who came up with that. E equals
hell yeah.
Dude, Tony Hawk's had like six wives Which
Really
Dude he's a serial
Like wife getter
What
Yeah that's the term for it
I don't know how
I don't know what to call
Like I think he
I mean
He's a womanizer
And he's a
He's a pedophile
I wouldn't call Tony Hawk a pedophile
I mean watch your mouth
Nah it's just funny to say
It is funny
Hey you guys, did you start
that rumor? Did you see where it goes?
Like, if it gets to... He would, like, skateboard
over to kids' houses, and he would, like,
fuck them while he was on the skateboard.
He was, like, really messed up.
He invented the 900, and then he...
He would put them
in a...
He would make them put a helmet on, and he'd
go, I'm gonna go skate with your kid
and he'd just fuck them
while he was on the skateboard.
He was so talented.
He was actually the first guy
to fuck a kid while doing a 900.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a 6900.
There you go.
Come on.
Now we're talking.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that's why
I lost all respect for
Tony Hawk
whenever he started
being a pedophile.
A few minutes ago when I made that up.
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, dude, I was, I don't know, I think I was
reading about something, I forget, and
I saw a news article that was like
Tony Hawk's fifth wife.
I was like, man, that's...
I'm pretty sure he probably just fucks a lot.
I bet he could come up with the most
creative ways to kill his wife.
Oh, shit.
I was trying to do a trick off the house.
I accidentally gave you a TBI.
Oops.
I was trying to grind his rail and I shot my wife in the fucking chest.
My wife sucks at skating.
She tried to skate off the roof.
She tried to skate off this parking garage.
Shit.
That's why you should always wear a Tony Hawk brand helmet.
He's like doing product placement.
You got to get a birdhouse helmet, man.
Standing next to the blood spatters.
So, like, we were trying to teach Riley how to do...
Oh, shit, it looks like she was on a girl board.
I'm not sponsored by them.
Damn.
Sorry, girl, you're gay.
What does that say, girl?
That Rodney Mullen guy is an autistic weirdo, and he has a disability.
I don't actually know if that's true.
Congrats.
You can do a bunch of tricks in one place.
In one spot.
Yeah.
Try skating while moving.
700 feet in the air, you fucking loser bitch.
It's not Rodney Mullen's pro skater, is it?
You stupid whore.
You gay retard.
They're like friends in real life He just calls him up on like
By the way
We are both pedophiles
Me Tony Hawk
And you
Rodney Mullins
Calls him on like a voice
Voice record
He's like
Hey Rodney
What's up Tony
You're gay
Alright Tony
We've been friends for a long time
I know you invented like 80% of the tricks on a skateboard, but you're a gay guy.
Yeah, maybe instead of inventing tricks, you should have been getting pussy.
You should have been inventing pussy.
Inventing pussy.
Yeah.
The pussy inventor, me, Tony Hawk.
Yeah, maybe instead of inventing tricks for teenagers, you should have invented sex with teenagers like me.
Tony Hawk, the famous pedophile.
The Greeks didn't invent it.
I did.
It is a cool thing to do.
Hey, kids, you want to learn how to do kickflips and grind rails?
Why do you learn that when you can learn how to get fucked by me?
It's just the most
pointless act.
Yeah, it's really not.
I mean, he's a...
I feel bad.
Yeah, he's...
Dude, I played his game
so much.
He's a cool...
He seems like a cool guy.
Yeah, well,
a lot of people
play the games
of the Catholic Church.
We see how...
Yeah, a lot of people
think that I landed
the 900 at the X Games,
but...
Tony Hawk. Alter Bowl. A lot of people think I landed the 900 at the X Games. Tony Hawk, Alter Bowl.
A lot of people think I landed the 900 at the X Games, but I fucked 900 kids at the sex games.
Thanks, man.
Thank you for...
You're like, hold on a minute.
All right, nice.
Okay, here we go.
No, that was good.
Imagine there's a new Tony Hawk game.
You know, you wait forever for it.
It comes out, and it's like you go back to his childhood before he ever skated,
and you're just like going through what he went through.
Well, I think it would be funnier if it's fucked by his uncle.
It's like an NBA 2K, like my career intro, and it's like,
Tony, this is your first skateboard,
and you're gonna go far with it.
Now wait here while I go
do, I gotta go to the laundromat,
your neighbor's gonna stay here and take care of you.
Hey, young
boy, I gotta go wash up like
fucking 700 loads of laundry.
We're in California, this is how
people in California talk, by the way.
Hey, so I press X to practice your skateboard. We're in California This is how people in California talk by the way Hey So I
Press X to practice your skateboard
Press Y to stay in here with your neighbor
Press Y to stay in here with your uncle
Frank's friend Tom
Alright now you're 16
And you suck at skating
Cause you never practiced
You just got molested every day
You got fucked a whole bunch by a guy who was in Vietnam
Turns out you're never gonna be good at skating now And they're gonna call it Because you never practiced. You just got molested every day. You got fucked a whole bunch by a guy who was in Vietnam.
Turns out you're never going to be good at skating now.
And they're going to call it Rob Deer to go skate. And then Rage Against the Machine starts playing and it's Tony doing a kickflip in place.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
He's like grinding.
It's like the new Tony Hawk game.
It's totally a normal Tony Hawk game for the first 25 hours of gameplay.
You're like, oh, man, it's like nostalgia.
There's Sex Pistols is on the soundtrack.
They got Black Flag.
Bam is back.
Oh, hell yeah, I remember this.
Oh, there's Steve-O, and he's shoving a bottle rocket up his ass.
And then there's a mission where it's like, you got to go.
It's Halloween.
You got to go to this neighborhood in Iowa.
And you're like, what the fuck?
There's no X Games are in California.
Street leagues in New York.
Like, what are we?
You got to go to this neighborhood in Iowa.
I was like, oh, am I doing a charity event?
You got to go to a neighborhood in a corn sort of field neighborhood in Iowa.
And you have to kiss a bunch of children on the mouth to unlock your special 900 move so you can win at the X,
so you can win the X games.
It's like,
I don't remember.
I mean,
I guess so,
man.
I don't know if the next event you're doing,
you're skating in like a cloak.
This is historically,
you have tunnel vision.
You just,
everything is washed out in gray.
Just like your guilt meter.
It's just this blinking red.
Yeah, you have to go to the black mass every week
or your guilt meter gets so high that you can't skate anymore.
There's a guy with a hood and he's like,
hey man, check it out.
And he takes his hood off and you're like, oh, Steve-O, you're the leader of the pedophilic black mass?
Yeah, you gotta do a 900 over the pentagram, man, or everybody's gonna fucking die.
The cabal hates you, man.
You gotta earn their respect back.
I heard you fucked those kids in Iowa, but you gotta do a 900 over the fucking pentagram.
Oh, shit.
Oh, you bailed.
I'm Steve-O.
Oh, yeah.
That's funny stuff.
Tony Hawk, if you're listening,
you should come to our show in L.A.
I think you still live in Burbank
or Calabasas or something like that.
I don't know how big Cal...
One of them broke-ass neighborhoods.
I think you live in Hidden Hills
by Kanye and Drake or something. But you should don't know how big Cal... One of them broke-ass demons. I think you live in Hidden Hills by Kanye and Drake or something,
but you should stop what you're doing,
put that skateboard down,
stop kissing that child,
and drive on over to Los Angeles.
Which, as we unfortunately established
in this timeline,
you, I guess, are a pedophile.
Yeah, I guess you're a pedophile, Tony.
I'm sorry about that.
God, I wonder if we're doing...
It's not true, but, like,
it's way more plausible that, like,
it is still...
One of his kids listens.
This is, like...
Like, he's just got, like,
a 17-year-old son somewhere,
and it's like,
what the fuck?
All right.
Anyway, come to Los Angeles, man.
Come to Los Angeles
and check out our show
December 10th at The Virgil.
We are running it with my good friend Ben Avery, friend of the pod, host of Lemon Party.
Go check out that shit on Patreon, Spotify, Apple Podcasts.
Yes, it's the same name as the old men sucking and fucking on each other.
It was a really good smart marketing tactic because if you Google Lemon Party podcast, that does come up.
But if you just google Lemon Party
you can see a bunch of old fat men fucking each other in the mouth
and
thanks Ben for having me do that
I did look at it anyway
Ben will be there we're doing a fun show
tickets are on sale you can get the ticket link
on Patreon and you can check
out our Twitters at
Jake Broads at Leno Killer with a 0
they're also on there
also yeah check out the Patreon Twitter's at Jake Broads at Leno killer with a zero. They're also on there.
Also, yeah, check out the
patrons.
This is a freebie.
Go to patron dot com slash
Fundejo time.
Toss us a fiver.
Toss us five bucks to get you
access to a little
five dollar a little extra
episode a week.
Ten bucks gets you a video
episode.
Fifty bucks gets you
everything.
Discord access video episode and bonus episodes gets you everything, Discord access,
video episode,
and bonus episodes,
and then you just get to give us $50 a month.
Obviously, you don't have to do any of that shit,
but if you did,
that would be sick as fuck.
Yeah, I guess.