Pendejo Time - i feel bad

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

James Brown voiceSupport the Show.

I was traveling down from Texarkana in my 2009 Prius. I came across a man in the road. Six foot eight, 395 pounds, pure hate and anger. The sort of fire that lives in a man's soul that not even a lifetime of drink could put out. He wouldn't move out of the way, and I honked my horn at him, you know the sound a horn be making. He just stared at me. And I said, well man, if he ain't gonna move out of the way, I guess we should exchange names. I said, my name is Big Pussy Jake, the wild owl from Oklahoma.

He looked at me with all of his might and his power and his muscle and he said, Hello. My name is John. My name is... John. And I didn't quite take too kindly to his voice. It didn't what match his body. So I hit the gas pedal on my Prius,

and I got to... It took me about 10 seconds to get to about 42 miles an hour. And I hit the man with a car, and he flipped over and died right there in the road. And, of course, I went back to take a look at his corpse. And he wasn't quite dead yet, and so I pulled his pants down just to get a look at it. You know, you want to see if it's matching the size of him. And it did. It made me very upset and angry.

So I went through his pockets. He had a Ridge wallet. He had about half a pack of Camel Blues. And $10 in folding money. He had a picture of Dora the Explorer. But like the real version. And a Polaroid. I'm not sure why.

He had a drawing of King Kong. fucking Barney the Dinosaur. Crude one. He was moaning around a little bit. Wasn't dead. Looked up at me and said, why'd you do it? Why'd you kill me down? Actually, he said, why'd you do it? Why'd you kill me down? Actually, he said, why did you do it? Why'd you kill me down? I forgot that was his voice. And I looked at him and I said, well, I ain't really got much else to do. And you wouldn't get out of the way, so I ran you down, sir.

And that was the last of old John. That's what brings me here today, sitting by this fire with you. Well, that is really something. Not. I remember there wasn't much to do growing up. Small town outside of Abilene, Texas. Not much else to do other than

shuck corn and spit on your monkey. We grew up fast. We grew up mean. We grew up last and we grew up lean. And I remember one fateful night down by the creek back when we used to play Pin the Benghazi on the Hillary.

And we had gotten our local school teacher and we dressed her up basically as a lady version of a schoolboy. Sort of like in Bugs Bunny, when he dresses up as a girl version of himself, and it's okay because it's a version of himself. It's not a different person. Right. We didn't really think it was cool for her to be a girl version of a school boy it was the only outfit we had lying around and we used to call her miss

marcia because that was her name and down in the creek we'd usually, sometimes we'd throw objects. But mostly down outside Abilene, we would throw words such as mongoose, traitor, yellow-bellied, snide-ass hoe Jive turkey Skank bitch Stupid Worthless cunt Backstabbing Stanky Stanky puss

Stanky dog Stanky cat hoe Green green pussy animal. Wound licker. The pussy eating maniac. The stupid pussy hammer. The stupid penis sucker guy. The divorce lady.

The guy who... That was a joke about her marital status. She had been in an abusive relationship and it had left the man. Good for her. But anyway, we grew up outside Abilene. I really should be able to remember the town, but I can't. There's not that many towns in life. Midland?

There's so many towns. Midland. Odessa. Midtown. Odessa Town. Odessa Land. Land, Town, Mid, Odessa, Towns, Van Zandt. Wichita, Odessa, Wichita Land.

Wichita, Hootita, Poitita. Them-a-ta. Yeah. Wichita Wichita Yeah Wichita Wichita Short Wichita Bitch Ass

Yeah Wichita Pussy Looking Ass Yeah Anyway we didn't take too kindly to school We didn't take too kindly to school. We didn't take too kindly to the movie Despicable Me 2. We didn't take too kindly to dancing on Sundays,

taking bubble baths, anal probing, sounding, leather play. We didn't take too kindly to pool animal play, or spirit bonding, soul animals, feminine energy manipulation,

yeah, we didn't take too kindly to tantric massages, out of body orgasms, spiritual orgasms, coal burn induced orgasms. Whatever Jared Leto has going on. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Black people. There were a lot of things the town had not gotten used to yet.

Down in Odessa town, we just hadn't really had anything that much going on for us. We thought Odessa was short for heaven. Who knew it could be long for hell? Turns out it's a whole different part. Turns out it's an entirely different word we didn't take too kindly to words we took words to kindly kindly texas where you can buy your new dodge ram truck 1500 with the Lariat package or upgrade to the Dodge 2500 Ram with the 6.7 liter Cummins engine with the first-in-class

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as he's trying to confiscate your vehicle and then it drives to your wife's house and it kills her with a knife somehow. And then it drives to the jail and it breaks through the walls and it fucks you. Do you want a truck that is having sex with you? Come on down to Fort Worth.

Come on down to Kindly Dodge or Kindly Texas and ask for the fuckable package. $700,000. Fuck you. Kindly Dodge. We don't sell

no scat packs. Those are for... We don't sell scat packs. Those are for... We don't sell scat packs. Those are for... Kindly Dodge. Unless the police department wants some. I remember... Actually, we sell them a lot of those. Yeah, yeah.

Cops want... Yeah, we have. I remember... Like, I know... Oh, sorry. I'm clipping a little little bit i know odessa is like a town uh like in ukraine there's a guy i i guess i didn't know that but there's a dude i used to uh used to train with at austin at 10th planet and he was like we were just bullshitting and it was like right at the beginning of the ukraine thing and he was like yes uh my uh

home city is like uh you know it's mostly safe but people uh lots of people coming in from kiev and uh it's very dangerous i was like like, oh, where are you from? Like, I didn't know we were necessarily talking about Ukraine at this point. I was like, I'm from Odessa. And in my stupid ass head, I was like, people from Kiev are going to Odessa, like as refugees? Like, I don't know anything about Odessa, Ukraine, but I can't imagine if I was fleeing to the United States that I would want to end up in West Texas. It took me a while to register, and I was like, are you from Texas?

And he goes, no, I'm from Ukraine. I was like, oh, I mean, I accent, but I go, that's a Texas. And he was like, what? I was like, no, man, you got to understand, like, you know, Texas is a very... I thought you were from Ukraine, Oklahoma. Yeah, Ukraine, Mexico.

Ukraine-dodge. Oklahoma. Yeah, Ukraine, Mexico. Ukraine, Dodge. I don't think you get to be high and mighty about Oh, you don't know about my fucking town? Shut up. Nobody gives a

fuck about you at all. I don't know what Belarus is, but I would sell every Belarus child for a chocolate bar. The town, I think, is the capital of Belarus is Minsk, which I thought, when I found that out, I thought it sounded like a nickname for vagina. Like, pussy, trim, hole, Minsk. You know what I'm saying? I went out last night, kind of struck out, didn't get. Minsk. You know what I'm saying? Like, I went out last night. Kind of struck out.

Didn't get any Minsk. If your town sounds like a name for pussy, it's not a real town to me. Belarus is a badass name for pussy. Belarus is sick as fuck. Lithuania always sounded cool to me. Pussy. Japan. I said Japan Just now

I was trying to figure out Where to say China And Japan How about How about China And they've joined forces Long Dong China

Hong Kong You got Hey Thing I didn't I don't know why I didn't think to bring this up. All the superpowers. Japan, China, Hong Kong, and Laos.

This is like where they make heroin. I didn't think to bring this up until just now. Honestly, I think I was so embarrassed that I did this that I blocked the memory out. I remember I told you that this has been an often retold story on the show, but I did bow to the sushi lady some years back.

I guess it isn't that bad because the guy clearly wasn't Asian in any way. When we were in LAX and we were flying back to Austin, there was a motherfucking monk. Like, I don't mean like a real one. Like, he was clearly like an LA guy. You know, like a fucking LA.

He was clearly mentally ill or something. Like, he didn't look retarded. Well, they all are. That's how they float. Yeah. The Lord giveth and lord take it away he was just like he was like a white bald dude in like an or a big orange tunic and he had the sandals on and uh he had like the rope around his waist and like some like twine around his wrists and he had like a book that was like in

his cot like in his chest like anyway he's I fucking look like a monk of some sort. I don't even know they could use airplanes. But anyway. So, he lets me go in front of him, dude. And I fucking bow. Like, full bow. It's the second time, dude. I told myself after the sushi lady I would never do it again.

But he was like, you go ahead. And he had this affectation in his voice that, like, he doesn't talk like, maybe he does, I don't know, but he was clearly, like, one of those people from California that are like, I'm really into Buddhism, but he actually, like, got into it, I guess. I don't know if he was a Buddhist monk per se, but definitely looked like a guy from the movies. And the ladies, like, the TSA ladies were just like,

everybody fucking, you know how they are like put your shoes and fuck and i was getting fucking overwhelmed because we were about to miss our fucking flight and uh the guy i guess could see that i was flustered and he goes please go in front of me and i just like gave him one like i fucking it just fucking gave him a full bow and when i got it you could you can bow to people it's fine i don't you can bow to anybody yeah you think so i mean it's the opposite of not bowing when you bow i mean if you kneel in front of them and you kiss all their rings on their hands and you pledge your fealty to them

I'd say that's what crosses the line typically in most social settings for example you know I I mean I'll at the very least curtsy

you know when I see when I'm about to leave when I go to get my takeout, I'm in my giant basketball shorts and my shirt that has a whole bowl of spaghetti on it. I'll do a big curtsy before I leave, and then I'll slap the girl in the face that's up front. I'll slap her really hard, and then I'll go back behind the desk and I'll slap her really hard and then I'll go back behind the desk and I'll slap her again. And then I'll help her

and I'll slap her 17 more times. Whack! Whack! You'll just smack the fuck out of her. Yeah, I'll smack the shit out of her head. You'll start beating the fuck out of the girl. Right, and I'll beat the hell out of her. And then I'll kick her through one of the walls

and I'll grab a big g. And I'll beat the hell out of her. And then I'll kick her through one of the walls. And I'll grab a big gong and I'll just break it on her head. Bong! Yeah. And then I'll say thank you for the food and then I'll punch her in the head. And then I'll kick her in the head. And then I'll kick her in the head.

I was trying to remember the punchline I was going for. I forgot, so the joke became I just kick a poor girl in the head a bunch of times. Anyway, if you're listening to this, please don't slap Asian girls. Yeah, they're not. First of all, they might know karate. Right. They can all fight. Yeah.

With martial arts. Man, I, uh, this is like, I don't consider it like, that white boy's telling on himself. I just, like, was a stupid kid. Like, I just grew up, like, suburb, fucking shithole town. fucking shithole town and uh up until like i i stopped believing in santa claus before i realized that like i didn't think every person from the asian world knew karate but i thought it was like the vast majority and not just knew a little bit like a lot and i'm talking like i was probably like nine or ten but i just watched like i loved kung fu movies as a kid my dad was like a kung fu movie guy uh or not specifically those movies but liked them and uh he would show them to me

and it just in my mind i was like oh that's just what they do over there kind of like how you have like american like professional right like you just what they do over there. Kind of like how you have American professional wrestling or whatever. Over there, everybody is doing crouching tiger shit, like defying the laws of physics. I just figured they would do that. Yeah, I didn't understand how you could fake that stuff. Yeah, same. I had no idea.

It would be easier to find a guy who can actually fly. Yeah. There's got to be at least one in the world, right? Yeah. actually fly yeah there's got to be at least one in the world right yeah there was i feel like if it's a if it's one guy it's the guy who's has a giant fu manchu and looks mystical yeah yeah it's in my mind it's like because i when i was a kid like you see playground fights and i had seen uh my dad get into a little scuffle uh once when I was a kid or a couple times and I was like oh this is how Americans fight they just like waylay on

each other drunk and then like kids they just you know do the windmill thing but I was like over there in China they do back flips like at a restaurant like if you're at a bar and you see two guys fight in like Texas they're just two fat guys

and they're just kind of like breathing heavy and throwing sledge hammers at each other but over in like you know Wangjiang province or whatever they're doing like spinning wheel kicks they have infinite stamina by the way they can fight for like like 10-15 minutes straight with perfect technique and that's just like what

I believed up until I like yeah entered like i guess the world of reason you know i remember i thought i thought strippers were like that i thought uh whenever i was a kid i thought basically if you got a lap dance you just came instantly yeah the first time you ever i mean which to be fair would have happened to me some guys probably definitely actually i i know from not that i've been a stripper, but I've known them. And there's like, yeah, sometimes that happens. No, I basically thought, you know, as a fourth or fifth grader or whatever,

I thought you basically went to a strip club and a lap dance was like a code word. And they would just ride your penis. You just come into the first woman you saw, basically. And then you would just do that. You would basically fuck all of the girls there. Yeah. Even ones who weren't strippers, probably. You would just have sex with all of them, too.

And you'd just go off. You'd just blast like 25 loads and go home. Yeah, you'd pay like 20 bucks. And then I found out later it's like basically guys just wearing the thickest jeans in the world just getting a spot rubbed off of their penis. I never...

Not that guys don't have sex in strip clubs. I know that does happen. Spot rubbed off their penis. Yeah, it seems like it's like if you put a magnifying glass To it out in the sun Like that's what happens To the bottom part of your penis

Like the top curls back into itself Like a slug Like a salted slug You can only wear starched jeans Yeah Yeah The fucking I worked with a guy at BJ's brew house

That uh He was like a Dude a real true to life-life piece of shit. Just a fucking... Real fucking... Accent so thick that it almost sounds kind of like a put-on. And I know guys do have accents like that. But the ones that we were doing earlier, doing the stupid cowboy thing.

You know, yeah. He was telling me we were playing poker and he is like we've made fun of the guys on the show but like he was we were all drunk playing poker and he was like a hard ass but he would get drunk sentimental i guess like he was we were all sitting at this table and he was like you know i went to land to the landed strip like the strip club he was like, you know, I went to the Landon Strip. I was like, the strip club? He was like, yeah. Went to the Landon Strip a couple weeks ago. Man, there's a Puerto Rican girl there.

You know, we're like, Puerto Rican, you know? He was like, yeah, you know. I just think he said, like, he could have said Mexican, but I think he, like, wanted it to be more exotic. But it's just like, I remember him insisting she was Puerto Ricanick anyway he was like man you know i was sitting there and i i still believe this to this day i was just telling her i could take you away you don't got to do this no more and i knew a girl that worked at the landing strip i don't think it was her but like they like a lot of the girls that work not a lot of them but you know some of them that worked there were like in college

or just like hanging out doing stuff like you don't have to be in college to be a stripper but they weren't struggling they were making good money like landing strips an old strip club in austin a lot of people go there whatever he was like you know i was sitting there and she's grounding up on me and i just fucking fell in love dude and i was sitting there and he's he was telling us that he's like falling in love with this girl and he's like i think i'm gonna go back next week and i think i'm gonna see if i can get her to leave and we're all like please don't like we're all trying to convince this fucking guy he's like man there's just something about her and i was like i we were trying to be nice because the guy had like a

short temper and was like i think the something that about her is is that you gave her like 500 dollars like whatever money you'd made that week serving or whatever. And he was like, no, man, she told me that she thought I was sweet. Nobody's ever told me that, you know. She told me that I was kind and loving. And she just liked talking to me. And no strippers ever told me that. And I don't believe that for like a second.

I only went to one strip club, but I imagine that's pretty. Like they're not told me that and i like don't believe that for like a second i only went to one strip club but i imagine that's pretty like they're not grinding on you and be like you're a fucking fat idiot and you're ugly like even if you're an ugly fat retard you go to a strip club i imagine that they're like god you're the fucking hottest piece of ass walked in here today unless there's like a dicks version of a strip club that's like uh your penis is small and i hate this you know what i'm saying like you don you don't talk dicks last week. Yeah, I go to those, but it's like male dancers, and it, like, helps condition me for the week.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I'll go, I'll be getting a lap dance from another dude, and he's just calling me a piece of shit the whole time. He's calling me gay for getting the lap dance. And I'm being like, shut up, bitch. And basically that helps me prepare me for the banter of the week you know what I mean I get no sexual

pleasure from it but I'll go to you know I'll go to them and a lot of times I'll go just beat the shit out of people you know what I mean

yeah sometimes I'll let all the Chippendales beat the hell out of me in the parking lot after the club closes down they still got their little outfits on they're just ripped as shit just beating the fucking hell out of me in the parking lot after the club closes down. Yeah. They still got their little outfits on

and they're just ripped as shit just beating the fucking hell out of me. Fucking tar already. I'm just coughing up blood and all these fucking... Blood's coming out of your penis too. It's just a bunch of... Bunch of fucking angels

beating the fuck out of me. I'm trying to imagine you... It looks like St. Peter's Guard. Fucking... And they're all curb stomping me. With their balls bouncing. Trying to imagine Eden taking a look at bank statements or whatever. Thomas is... It's like a lot of $100 charges for strip club.

Male strip club. Is there something we should talk about? Why does it specify a gay male strip club, male strip club. Is there something that we should talk about? Why does it specify a gay male strip club? I'm just imagining that like on your bank statement. No, I mean like that's what it shows up as. It says gay male lap dance. For Thomas White. I'm like, that's what I told you.

That's what it shows up as for my toll tag. And I can't fix it. That's what it says. When I registered my car, I was drunk as shit. I don't know how to fix it. You know, anytime I take Chisholm Trail, you know, it happens. Everybody, check it out. Welcome to Pendejo Time.

Welcome, welcome. This is a free one. This is a free one, yeah. This one's on the house, folks. Yeah is a free one. This is a free one, yeah. This one's on the house, folks. Yeah, on the house. Man, I've been cruising along in this game of life. I was hanging out with my family last weekend and playing jackbox with my brother and my mom.

Me and my whole family realized that me and my brother both, every pair of black Levi's that we have, which is like 98% of our jeans, like that's just like what I wear on the bottom half of my body. It's just like I've got like eight or nine pairs of black Levi's. They're just covered in stains. Like I was walking around my mom's place with my brother, and I was like god damn man your fucking pants are covered in like queso and shit and actually was like i think it's like every pair

of jeans that you have has like sauces on them i came to the realization that like i had to go i came home and looked in my like the clean area and i was like just permanently just cheese and like oil it's not it's not you know come i'm not a teenager, but it's, like, it's food. Because, like, I'll wipe. For me, it probably would be. Yeah, because you cum, like, big loads pretty often, you were telling me. I cum in my sleep a lot, and I cum at work a lot. Hey, Mike, sorry, man.

I've just been, like, I know that you want me to work really hard today, but I was just in the port town over there, and I was just busting long, thick ropes, and I got real tired. Yeah, it's hard for me to not come at work, honestly. I'll try and hold back, and it's just... Basically, I'll go in the port-a-potty, and I'll start basically jerking on my stuff in there. Tugging on my tutor.

Yeah. I like to play with myself at work, whether it's a penis orgasm or a prostate, or sometimes I'll stimulate my nipples, and that's how I'll achieve orgasm. A hands-free orgasm. Yeah. So what do you think you could provide to this company

in terms of usefulness, utility? Basically, I'm a big fan of anal and penis stimulation as well as prostate stimulation. And while on the job, I guarantee I will have prostate orgasms as well as nipple and penis orgasms as well. And I also, due to my frantic horny state, I'm often frothing at the mouth and eager to interact with people because I know it'll fuel my later sexual fantasies. Right, right, right. So customer service is big for me. I need it or I can't come. Okay.

So let's sort of make this to where we can, you know, we'll work with you because I like your energy. You have a very helpful, very youthful, very excited energy, which I love in my potential new employees. Thank you. So let's just say that you are good with people.

You have great interpersonal skills. I would love to give you like a little, you know, I'm just going to pitch something at you, just see how you can handle potential like, you know, workplace situations. So the receptionist, Laura, the printer's jammed, and she doesn't know how to do it. How would you help Laura unjam the printer? Would you step away from your task?

Would you try to get somebody else to do it? Or would you step up to the plate and help Laura unjam the printer? I would probably ask my coworker if she was still with her boyfriend and if they had ever tried pegging, which is where a woman will wear a strap on or sometimes just a water bottle or a toy torpedo that you throw around in the pool and she'll fuck her partner with it okay um keep in mind it doesn't um I guess anybody can peg anybody. I've seen animals doing it.

Okay. My neighbor has a chicken who will break off part of a pencil in her cavity and fuck the other chickens with it. And I would tell Laura about that. Okay. And I would also tell her that she had beautiful breasts. Okay. And that I jerked off to her and that I was having sex with the printer.

And that's why it was jammed because I busted cum into it. Okay. And if she called the technician, he was going to open the tray. And instead of paper and instead of ink there was going to be loads in there okay and also that the the scanner had scanned my balls and my cum very very good and then i was addicted to masturbating okay so uh that's that's a great answer i like that you really got to try to get to know Laura on a personal level. Right, yeah.

Which, you know, a lot of people, they're just here for a paycheck. Right. I'm here to pay people to fuck me. And watch me masturbate. Right, right, right. Which, again, just speaks to your incredible interpersonal skills and your incredible willingness to go that extra mile. Another sort of scenario for you.

So let's say you're expected to give a big presentation on a new project. You just got a new client. But you know that sometimes this material can get a little boring so how would you keep you know your colleagues attention um when you're trying to present to them a new idea that you're pitching to a client that is a wonderful question jake i would probably um put i would use a bunch of fun colors of note cards, and I'd toss them in a big jar, and then I would stuff the jar in my asshole. Okay. And then I would dangle from the ceiling, open the jar,

and all the fun little cards come out. And then I would try and get the jar out of my asshole for the rest of the presentation. Okay. If it didn't come out, I would ask for a the jar out of my asshole for the rest of the presentation. Okay. If it didn't come out, I would ask for a volunteer. People love being volunteers. Yeah, that's true. To basically grab around the inside of the jar. And if need be, I would call two more volunteers to use a chisel and a hammer to break the jar inside of my asshole and pull it out before my intestines are ruptured

and before I die in front of my family, who have also invited to this presentation. And they are all happy to see me do well at this new job. Well, I think that the utilization, your sort of on-the-cuff improvisation, if you will, speaks to a high level, like a creative mind. Yeah. Which I think, again, for a job like this is so crucial.

A lot of people, they get burnt out. They rehash the same old ideas. But I think with a vision like that, you would really fit in here. All right, final question, and then, you know, interview's up. And we'll make a determination on your employment afterwards. What inspires you to do the best that you can do at your job? Is it money? You know, that's a great question.

You know, I'll put it like this this morning i woke up um i walked out to my mezzanine one of the mezzanines on my house and i jumped off 65 stories down okay wow you must be doing pretty well i died instantly okay and then i woke up and i did it 20 more times till i had red hair okay i wanted a red hair for this interview so i was done quantum suiciding and i drank a glass of orange juice. I went out in my backyard and I saw some of the trained actors. I basically, I'll hire people off Craigslist

to fuck in my yard all day. Then I can beat off back there and watch them. My dick is too pathetic and flimsy to even even spurt a load. Much less fuck a human

so basically I dilly it around and I just have a little robot claw you can buy at the feed store it's like a toy basically and I don't even like touching my thing anymore I just wrestle it with the tool

and I'll hit it with a cattle prod sometimes make a little pathetic drop come out of it very interesting and i was so inspired by that orange juice i drank this morning i fucked all the people in my backyard and i busted a fucking huge load in all of them and they were dripping with cum basically and it was knowing that you've gotten an 85 year old woman pregnant is one of the most wonderful things in the world

you can't match it okay because a baby comes out old when you do that wow I really love your perspective on things yeah and if you don't give me old when you do that. Wow, I really love your perspective on things. Yeah, and if you don't give me this job, I'm going to fucking kill you. Just kidding.

That was some of my workplace humor. What I would do is I would, if you don't give me the job, I will never fuck you again. Man, I'm sorry to hear that. You fucked me so good before the interview. I fucked you before the interview and I came in you and I made you pregnant. You, I'm sorry to hear that. You fucked me so good before the interview. I fucked you before the interview and I came in you and I made you pregnant.

You did. In pregnant style. The job does pay $7.25 an hour. That is over a hundred times what I make every day. I think that you're hired. I appreciate you coming in today. You can start tomorrow.

Yeah. I can start jacking off and beating off at work tomorrow. Wink, wink. Have you ever jacked off at work? No. Yeah, me neither. The only reason I answered that fast is because I had so many jacking off questions here

that I firmly know my jacking off boundaries where i've been and uh where i have gone where i plan to go and where i plan to go from here jacking off career-wise is nowhere right yeah i don't think there's anything crazy for me in the works maybe i'll jack off at a new hotel chain someday. Yeah, I do. In the room. When I have beat off at a hotel, I feel like an arms dealer. I feel like... I have jacked off at a hotel in quite... Maybe, actually...

Dude, I've done it maybe one time. Yeah. Now that I think about it. Because I've hardly ever traveled alone. Well, I mean, when me when me you and Alex had the hotel yeah I definitely wasn't beaten off then oh I mean I did like two or three times for sure that's fine I mean you were there

before us I'm kidding I don't care what you did then anyway yeah like we were traveling I was it would it would have been so funny if Alex you know got to the hotel after being stranded all day or whatever, and I just immediately start cranking one out in the bathroom.

Yeah, like, I, you guys, since I picked y'all up, like, you make us wait outside. You're like, hey, I'm just going to make sure it's safe in here. I'm like, dude, I've been here, like, all night. Like, I stayed over here. And you're like, you could have missed something, man. You're going to have to hang out here for, you know, seven to eight seconds. You know, just make sure everything's on the up and up. I never, yeah, I never really got wacky with it.

There was, I remember, like, the concept of the stealth jerk. Where people were like, like you know you have i don't want to say people i think i told this story on here i went to college with a dude who he jerked off like over the pants not hand in the pants but he jerked off in the van on like a like a road trip with his family he was yeah yeah you told me about that one that was that's fucking gross man well i think that yeah i told you about it but like that i won't rehash it the story but i remember like like yeah i jacked off in a walmart you know we're all sharing stories and he's like yeah we were on the way to uh illinois and i you know we just just jerked

off in the van haha Ha ha. You know, you're really horny when you're a teenager. And I was like, Oh, who was on the road trip? Cause like, I don't want to give any, I don't want to give any rope to anybody, but if like, if you're on a road trip with a bunch of your friends that are dudes, you shouldn't jack off. But it sounds like a story you might hear from a guy. He was like, yeah, I thought it'd be funny to pull my penis out, jack off a little, but like, you don't come a guy who's like, yeah, I thought it'd be funny to pull my penis out and jack off a little, but you don't come. I could

see that being a story that I would hear. I can't see being like, yeah, we're gonna go visit grandma in the fucking town and country. But the thing is, even if you jack off in the car with your buddies, alright, then there's not that

if it smells like jizz in there dude. Yeah. All of a sudden. Yeah. Somebody's gonna speak up. That's true. Hey somebody just jacked off in here. Right. Somebody just fucking. Did somebody come in their pants?

Best case scenario is somebody just fucking fell asleep and came in their pants which is funny that is very funny that's just funny i did but if it's you and you have a little bit of cum on your pants and everybody knows you haven't been sleeping we then does that happen to you awake you know she just reminded me i think i was like 13 um i was at a, it was like a sleepover. You know, we like, I went to my buddy's place and he had like all the Tony Hawk games and we would go over there and like, like he had like a game room or whatever. And just one of the friends that like had like actually had stuff, we would all stay

at his place because he had like the coolest shit or whatever. And we were like, i think 13 or 14 and uh we stay up like all fucking night drinking mountain dew and red bull and fucking you know going out to like sneak a fucking half of a marlboro light and you know we're boxing we're doing the fucking teenager bullshit and uh we go to bed like six in the morning i remember being violently woken up by my friend he's like hey y'all gotta go y'all gotta get out of here like right now and i could hear his mom like yelling at him in spanish from the uh the other room and like his sheets are off his bed and i noticed like on the way out i was like grabbing my stuff and he's like

okay hey we'll hang out later i'll meet you at the skate park or whatever and his mom is like yelling and like we're all going down the stairs and his dad is just in the living room fucking dying laughing. And anyway, he had had like, I guess, a record breaking wet dream. And it's like we were all sleeping in his room. He was I asked him later on. He was like, oh, you know how like sometimes you fall asleep and you like, you know, calm or whatever. And I was like, yeah later on he was like oh you know how like sometimes you fall asleep and you're like you know calm or whatever and i was like yeah and he was like i did that but it was like a bad one and i was like i didn't know what that meant or whatever and uh his mom got really mad at him because they were like religious or whatever his dad

i guess was like yeah you know it happens but uh there was like a whole thing i guess where his mom thought he was gay because he just like blew a load in his sleep while a bunch of his friends were sleeping on the floor uh which to me is a classic like so he told his mom that he'd blown a load in his sleep uh he told so she had like i guess he wakes up and he's like covered in jizz and his pants and had like gotten on his like like on his sheets and he like panicked he was like i don't know what else to do i didn't pee my bed but it was like gross and sticky you know it's cum and so he like yeah just like copped to his parents he's like oh hey i had like i think something happened or whatever like i had like

a wet dream or whatever and his mom like flew off the handle i think she was like pentecostal or something i don't remember she was like that's awesome uh yeah he just like came like you know if my fucking kid told me he had a wet dream i'd say don't fucking tell me that yeah i don't give a fuck dude you gotta take care of that shit on your own i don't like i never my dad is fucking it was a crass dude and he would be like you know jacking off is you know you got you know sometimes you got to do it and a lot of times you got to do it but don't do it too much it makes you into a fucking weirdo or whatever and i'd be like in fourth grade i'm like all right well thank you man um i think my mom tried to let the youth group handle it when we which we've talked about before like i didn't really get like a traditional like talk talk i guess because at

the time when i was a teenager the policy was like if you get pussy you're gonna go to jail and the girl's gonna get pregnant for sure like 10 times, and you're not ready for that, and God's going to get mad as fuck at you. So I don't think I ever had like a normal one. Oh, well. How did your parents approach that issue with you? Did they give you the talk? My dad was like, they're going to teach you about it in school, so I'm going to just let them do that.

Oh, okay. But if you have any questions about something i mean i guess you can ask me but i don't really yeah i don't really want to talk to you about sex so good luck and i was like sounds good i'll just learn about it in school and then school they were like well your parents are gonna tell you about this stuff so we're not gonna teach you about it so if you have any questions let us know but yeah we don't really want to talk to teach you about it. So if you have any questions, let us know. But, yeah, we don't really want to talk to you guys about sex. And I was like, sounds good.

Yeah, I'll just talk to my dad about it. And then I just still really don't know. But, you know, it's okay. I mean, I know I'm – I remember I didn't know how to put a condom on until like... I was like an adult man. Like six months ago? You know, I mean... Still haven't really bothered figuring it out,

but you know what I mean? I mean... No, I thought it was... The first time I tried to put one on, dude, I thought it was supposed to go over your balls. And I was like, damn, dude, I have, like, the biggest dick in the world. Yeah.

This is not even close to fitting over my balls. And so then I went and bought... I thought I just needed huge condoms. And so I bought the fucking... You buy Magnums? Like, I bought the Magnum XLs. That's awesome, dude. For guys with 15-inch penises.

Like the baby-armed dick guys. Yeah, dude. Literally, my fucking dick took up half of them. Yeah. I could have gone fishing with that thing. I could have caught a squid. I was like, God damn. This condom is a trash bag.

This is absurdly big. Anyway, if you're a hung dude or I just know, there's no... They make those Magnum XLs for fucking elephants. They don't make them for humans. Like, there's no need to have that much penis as a man i never you don't you don't need to be working with that much i i the only reference i have for the magnum excel is a youtube video like old days of youtube i don't that's probably not even still up but a guy being like uh it's like a 30 second video he's like who

are these for and he takes it out he puts it on his foot and it goes like halfway up his calf dude it goes up it's like a forearm seriously yeah it's not yeah that's not acceptable

yeah I I mean I don't care but I wouldn't want to be friends with a dude who had a dick that big it would be weird yeah

like I don't want to see I don't want to be hanging out. We're both wearing basketball shorts, and your dick is hanging out of your fucking knee-length shorts. I had two friends in high school who were two grades above me. They were like the skinny, like rail-thin, like super-tall type guys, and their whole thing was pulling their penises out. They were like, that was one of

it you know and every group has a couple of those guys but they kind of put a sour taste in everyone's mouth because both of them are brothers they're both like tall ish dude like medically like not like you know your friend pulls his penis out and he's like wow you know nice nice cock brother that's that's funny no like i like, I didn't, I thought maybe something was up. Like, I thought maybe they had, they had, like, a defect. Like, huge, like, medically big penis.

Dude, every once in a while you see one and it's like, that's too big. Yeah, no, for sure. That's not a human's dick. Like, you see one and you're like, there's no way that you, like, can have sex with women. It's like the size of Kermit.

The frog. It's the size of a honey baked ham dick i don't want to look like a roast beef don't be bringing that big meaty thing around me show me that big fucking throbbing veiny pipe dude the fuck you think you are pulling that big you slowly stop inviting a friend over and it it later turns out is because you actually saw his dick and it was like too big. And then it becomes a thing with your friend group where it's like, well, why do you care? Yeah.

Why do you care? It's like, I don't know. I don't like. It went up past his chest. It's not good. It can't be healthy. Yeah. Yeah.

There was like. Guy's got to lean back to suck his own dick the uh i never was like a i mean i don't know i've shoved my penis a handful of times i was more of a classic man tuck guy that was my. This is a working classes move. Yeah. Yeah, I love... It was just... It was so funny to me to like while my friend was playing Rocket League on like a ranked match to come out of the shower.

It hurts. So you got to pick your battles in that regard because it's not something that you can really fucking, you know... Are you googling man tucked penis no i need to check into a flight sorry i was just looking well i know you like to google stuff that we talk about and so i was like i know i wasn't googling man tucked penis i don't think that's a thing i need to have whenever i go on um theW airport. Are you all flying into Mississippi to Biloxi or something? Yeah, it's around there.

Nice. I don't even remember. I don't want to get too specific because there's like 10 people out there total. Yeah, yeah. I don't even remember what the fuck I was saying. Large penis. Oh, man tuck. You were saying man tuck was your part of the show.

Yeah, well, yeah, that one you have to pick your battles with it because it hurts. You can't just, you know have that shit fucking teetotaled up. I mean, I guess people do it, you know. Certain people you know

like you know like trans, you know, people be doing that shit. But hey, whatever floats your boat, man. This is a progressive podcast. That's right. You know, let me tell you. Expedia can suck the skin off of my dick.

I'm tired of dealing with the goddamn app. Yeah, it's a dog shit. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't know why my mom booked through Expedia. I'm tired of this shit. Some people just want to go to Gulfport

in peace. I just want to go to Gulfport in peace. I just want to go to Gulfport and run away from my problems in Gulfport. I just want to go to Gulfport and run away from my problems in Gulfport. Man, I just want to say, fuck it, dude. Burn it all down. I want to get on the road and fucking experience life.

Where are you going to go, man? You want to go to Oregon? See the coast of Oregon? No, I want to go to Gulfport. I want to go to Gulfport, Mississippi so bad. I want to get my dick sucked in gulf port mississippi by a fucking casino worker yeah i want to get pussy from one of those really big teeth fucking chain smoking blackjack dealer ladies you've been to a casino man we gotta go gambling i went to a casino in punta cana but i only went for a few minutes uh i want to i well i want to uh i think we should

pull a fucking podcast about list and go gambling together that'll be fun uh i'm assuming that nobody in your family seems like your dad doesn't gamble no i don't think anybody in my family is really into gambling my brother might sports gamble some but not like not like uh you know just the way that everybody does yeah i sports get yeah um my mom likes to have a a good time with that stuff i never understood it myself talked about it before if i'm gonna spend thousands of dollars i want to get fucked up i don't want to like pull on a Chinese slot machine or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I think that the key is to be one of the world's greatest poker players, which is something I'm working on right now.

How are you doing in that regard? I'm one of the best in the world. Really? How much money have you won? Or am I bluffing? Poker face. Poker face. My. You can't remind. Can't remind.

Can't remind. Don't worry. I'm the poker face. I am Lady Gaga poker face. Lady Gaga. Gaga. Gaga. Gaga. Lady Gaga. Gaga. Gaga. Gaga.

Lady Gaga. Gaga. This is a. This is a. Lady Gaga. Gaga. Gaga. Lady Gaga.

Gaga. What the hell is she up to? She got a bunch of work done on her face. Looks like a damn doll now. I think she's beautiful, man. She looks beautiful. But she looks like a fucking slut. Is what she looks like. dude, that's for real.

We're doing shock jock stuff now. Lady Gaga, maybe you'd make it in an American Horror Story if you stopped being slut. More like Lady Gag Gag because you suck penis. Lady fucking sucking dick. Lady fucking cock cock. Just like a worse Opie anthony with down like just fucking brain damage like yeah

yeah miley cyrus more like miley virus cause she has so much sex she has

yeah she's venereal disease lady gaga more like gravy uh gravy um

pot pot yum yum scooping it onto mashed potatoes yeah that's right uh katie perry why don't you um Pot pot. Yum, yum. Scooping it onto mashed potatoes. Yeah, that's right. Katy Perry, why don't you come suck my dick, dude?

Yeah. Why don't you come on? Robin Thicke, more like suck my fucking dick. Yeah, that's so true, dude. I swore my... Lerd lines, more like turd. Turd time. I got to take a shit, dude. Time for me to take a shit on your ex-wife.

I got to go poo-poo, dude. Yeah, fuck you, bitch. Emily Ratajitowski, more like Emily Tatas. Nice. Yeah, had to get Mousky. Had to get, yeah, something like that, yeah. Yeah, Pete Davidson, more like skeet in my mouth and fucking made me swallow it. Oh, man, that sounded wrong.

Did you hear about that Sam Bankman free guy? Yeah, he more like scamming, and he's never going to be free, and he needs to go to the bank, man. Sam Bankman free more like, damn, I'm stinking from all this weed. Yeah, because i fucking smoke hella fucking tree i smoke i smoke weed smoke that shit dude yeah imagine if i feel fast forwarding 56 minutes into this episode we got him he said he smokes weed we got that's evidence

yeah after 56 minutes of being like yeah so basically I'm gonna beat off one of your fucking face basically I work for a company where I talk to all

the ladies like they're sick dogs and I'm addicted to jacking off on women I love taking upskirt photos at the mall

dude okay that one dude we're gonna do that at the mall at 4. That is so fucked up. Where there's just a JCPenney in an aquarium. I remember when I heard about... I think it was Don Vito from Viva La Bam.

He was trying to do something like that. He was trying to take a picture of girls. Like, do upskirt pics. I think that's what he went to jail for. Anyway. Yeah, but there was, like, two, like, 15-year-old girls. Yeah, yeah. He's a bad piece of shit.

I'm glad he's dead. But anyway. I was like, dude. Like, I know for some fucking weird depraved psychos, it's like a fucking compulsion, and they need to be locked away. But I'm like, dude, be a goon cave guy. Like, you're horny at a fucking TJ Maxx.

You're gonna risk, like, like, how the fuck, like, I've never conceptually thought about it, because it's not something that I... I imagine the risk is part of it for sure yeah i mean i could see like going to buy drugs is like half the fun of doing drugs you know like you're going to jail or whatever but like how do you even play that off hey lady uh i just was taking a look at your shoes and i realized that i need to look at them

closer but in an upward angle and then i have to have my phone out too uh you know what i love more than anything is a blurry view of a woman's underwear it's just fucking sweaty ass vagina yeah just the just the underside of like uh like you know nasty ass pair underwear. That's what does it for me. Probably poop in there or whatever. Yeah. Who knows? Butt stink. Would you sell pictures of your feet or your socks?

I think I would do that if people wanted them. I don't think so. You don't think so? I don't think I could. I don't think so unless I was in a really bad financial situation. I think that if somebody wanted a pair of my underwear or my socks or a picture of my feet, I would send them. Well, I mean, it's not like I have a problem with other people doing it. I don't think that's that big of a deal.

I would rather as an individual not be doing that. There's a comic from, fuck, where's he from? San Antonio? I don't know uh he did stand up in austin every now and then uh he had an only fans link in his instagram bio and uh he would sometimes post uh like clips or whatever we follow like i unfollowed him because i didn't want to see that shit but it was like uh mikey miles stuff but he wasn't like mikey miles sick in the head he was just a guy that did stand up and uh i had this like it it makes me feel weird i'm not trying to dog on people that do it i just when a guy has an only fans to me like there's something i don't know

this makes me sound really backward and i guess i am in this regard and i know it's a little gay it's not it's not gay to me it's no you're homophobic no it's not about they see it seems creepy no it seems fucking like if you're like like like i don't know like i and again it's just me i know this is like an internalized thing i have but like when some there's like a tiktok there's only one way to fight that what's that And again, it's just me. I know this is like an internalized thing I have. But when some... There's like a TikTok... There's only one way to fight that.

What's that? You got to take videos of you jacking off on your own feet. And you got to send them to me. Confrontational therapy. And then I'm going to post them on the internet for everybody to see. I'm going to say, these are Jake's feet. If you think they're pathetic and he's a little worm, send me money. And I'm going to become your dominatrix.

That would be pretty cool. I think we could make something work like that. That way you would work through your homophobia. I would make $200 a month. You're like, it's gay and you don't like it. It's homophobic. Right, it's because you're a bad person fundamentally. Look, I know where you're homophobic. Right. It's because you're a bad person fundamentally. Look, I know where you're coming from.

It's a place of hatred. I think it's like that guy you sent me that was like, women love a straight feminine man, we the most fun. That type of guy, when I see them on Instagram or TikTok or whatever, people send these cringy dudes to me that are like, who's the guy that does the balloons? Like, the balloon pictures, it's like Depression, No Thanks, like that fucking guy.

Those guys have the OnlyFans in their Instagram. And to me, I'm like, you're already giving me like women hunter vibes there's something about adding the of that like you know maybe maybe i'm a bad person but i don't uh i think you're racist i think jake that you're a homophobe and a racist jake and xenophobe jake you seem to have a problem with certain people groups. I couldn't even think of something specific that would be funny. You know, like, would it be particularly funny if Jake was racist against Sikh people? No, no, not really.

Laotian, they've been a part of this episode at one point. I think that's just a country. Laotian. They've been a part of this episode at one point. I think that's just a country. Laotians. Laotians. Yeah. Like Vietnamese people. Whatever. Come on, dude.

Burmese. Take your pick. Burma was Vietnam, right? That was Myanmar, I think. Fuck off. Burma? Burma's not around anymore I don't think so

Myanmarese I thought Burma was what the French called it Let's take a look at this shit Burma I think it was Myanmar Who the fuck would call anything Myanmar Yeah it used to be Myanmar Formerly known as Burma

Burma is a Southeast Asian nation Of more than 100 ethnic groups. I looked up Merba. Merba. Why did they change it to Burma? It says Burma. It used to be called Asia. It used to be called Soi.

The largest city is Rangoon. That's awesome. I love those. Crab Rangoons? Yeah, those are sick. That's awesome. I love those. Crab Rangoons? Yeah, those are sick. That's a cute little country you got there. The largest part... Let me see.

Okay. Capital city of Laos. Of Laos. You know what the people... You know what you would call it? If there were multiple louses, that'd be lice. That's correct.

Hey, if you're listening to this shit, because this is fucking fun stuff. Yeah, pretty awesome. Pretty awesome stuff. I'm just, you know, sometimes, man, I just fucking... Dude, I'm so fucking dark and twisted, dude. Fucking...

If you're listening to this fucking just gives a shit um go on over to patreon.com slash um pendejo time and uh subscribe five bucks a month you get some more episodes 10 bucks a month you get video episodes we've got a couple coming um i know it's towards the end of the month, but they were actually pretty good. I was pretty proud of them. And maybe some other shit coming along. Thomas, how are you doing on that in terms of progress? You know, not great.

I do well on that. But, you know, we'll get that out to you. ASAP. I thought you were going to lie for a second. Because you were like, well, you know. No, I realized earlier today that I need to hop back on that. Because I started on it. And I got new processing power

new ram we had to buy new pc and then it was not compatible oh as of last night so i'll have to return that because but i'll make it work i'll make it work i might just i might have to um make this sketch a little bit late but i'll get the video up so um thank you guys for tuning in um we uh hope you guys had a good holiday season new year's is coming up uh you know grab grab somebody tell me love him and give him a big new year's kiss if you are fucking getting shithouse drunk at the bar go outside grab grab a cop when that fucking ball drops there drops, just grip on his shit like a fucking Glock. Kiss him. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.