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Episode Date: April 5, 2024

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It's Thursday, the day we were born. You're born on a Thursday evening. Evening. Did you know that in China, everybody's birthday is technically on Thursday? Really? And do you know the origin of that? You're like an expert in Chinese history, you're telling me. Yeah, so Chinese New Year is every Thursday. So they've had like a billion years or something? They're in year two billion? That's how they're so advanced.

That would make a lot of sense. That's why their lifespan is so long. They actually only live about 14 months in our time. Because they're so close to the sun yeah on that side of the yeah yeah and their their brains operated like a higher frequency than your average uh guy from texas or whatever yeah one of my favorite billboards i see when I go back to Houston to visit family, it's huge and it's red, and it's Donald Trump, like a big-ass blown-up picture of him, like 10 feet tall. And it says, like, keep Texas red, keep illegals out.

You know, your standard issue, fucking yee-yee. But then in a little text under Trump's thumbs up, it says paid for by Chinese Texans for Trump. Which, like, as an organization, I don't... How many of those guys are there? There's either two or, like, two hundred, you know what I mean? Like, it's either, like, maybe two or three guys with a ton of money or it's, like, a fuck ton.

I know there are a lot of conservative chinese americans for sure there's a there's a big billboard in weatherford as you drive in this that has a big picture of trump and it says new yorker by birth texan in spirit that's so awesome because he like hates low class people yeah he hates like, hates low-class people. Yeah. He hates, like, white trash, kind of, you know, gaudy, kind of loud morons. When January 6th was happening, apparently he referred to, like, some of the people that were, like, taking selfies in the White House as, like, low-class. You know, gaudy, tacky. white house has like low class you know gaudy tacky which like imagine the guy that you worship and you look up to and you like want to be your grandpa or your dad your best friend or maybe your husband calls you like low calls you like a fucking inbred retard like hey guys come on if you're gonna do this you gotta put on some fucking hugo yeah he thought it was Going to be all the Like sexy

He wanted it to be sexier He wanted January 6th To have like a little bit Of fucking panache I was trying to think of A movie that was fancy And the only movie I could even think of

Was Mary Poppins It's not a fancy movie It's about Chimney sweeps Yeah Yeah He wanted January 6th There's a family Fancy family and a chimney sweep family, right?

And Mary Poppins did that. Dick Van Dyke is a chimney sweep, and then there's a little boy with him or something, and then there's a fancy family with a banister. I literally only remember the umbrella part. I couldn't even tell you one other part about Mary Poppins. All right. Well, Jamie, pull up fancy family Mary Poppins, please. Jamie, pull up Mary Poppins. All right, well, Jamie, pull up Fancy Family Mary Poppins, please.

Jamie, pull up Mary Poppins popping it back, fucking popping it open like a goddamn can of beans. You know, next week we actually will have a solar eclipse, but judging by the current cultural landscape, a lot of the people in our society will be more focused, likely, the way I see it, based on what I've observed lately, on Instagram clips. Yep. Yeah, very, very nice. And you may think, that's bad.

That's not that bad. That's not that bad. No. Not that bad. Oh, oh, Mary Poppins. That was the one with Ed Wynn. What happens in this? Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins. She visits a dysfunctional man and puts her unique brand of lifestyle to improve the family's dynamic.

Is she the one that sings a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down? Yeah, that is. Very nice. My Meemaw would sing that to me when she would make me

take cough syrup. Because I didn't like the way it tasted and it made me sleepy. While walking outside the trail encountered Mary Poppins. All right, I'm not going to read the plot of fucking Mary Poppins on my goddamn show. You know, they don't make movies anymore about just like a musical where a guy is on a train, and then he sings.

I guess they made La La Land, and I guess they made the Mean Girls musical or whatever. Every movie now is about a ghost that represents depression or it's like a Marvel movie. The new Pixar movie, Sticks. What's Sticks? When a girl stick grows up in a log world, but still makes a big bark. So she's a...

When a stick takes a stand in theaters March 2025. Pixar's Sticks. Okay. And starring Zendaya as Twiggy. Okay. Starring Timothee Chalamet as Switch. And Christopher Walken as Stomp. With Vin Diesel as

Log. And controversially, Kevin Spacey as Leaf. Leaf the pedophile. And controversially, like the voiceover guy for the trailer.

And bad call, in my opinion. Yeah, why are they casting him and stuff so soon? All of his accusers are dead. Kevin the Rapist Leaf. They really should have chosen a better name for him. Leaf, you leave me and my friends alone We don't We don't want what you've got going on

You leave us You leaf us alone Right the fuck now you piece of shit You fucking Gay bastard We're gonna get Log on you if you don't stop Trying to have sex with us you gay loser

well i i'm just a simple country leaf and i don't think i'll be leafing anybody alone this christmas you come any closer to this to this uh stump i'll beat the hell out of you. You come any closer to the stump, I'll leave you stumped. Get it? I'm a twig, and I may just be a twig, but sometimes twigs can be stronger than a tree. I want to go have I want to go have sex With another stick This is not a

This is not a kids movie at all No no And the two sticks rub together And they accidentally make a fire And it burns all of them They're all burning So this is This is a kids movie

About sticks Starring Kevin the pedophile Spacey as As Leaf Zendaya as Twig And it shows Stick on stick sex Stick, starring Kevin the Pedophile Spacey as Leaf. Zendaya as Twig, and it shows stick-on-stick sex, with Vin Diesel as Log.

Yeah, Chris D'Elia as Root. The casting director made a lot of mistakes. Personally, I am not. I was paid very handsomely to do this trailer, but morally speaking, I'm not a lot of mistakes. Personally, I am not. I was paid very handsomely to do this trailer, but morally speaking, I'm not a fan of it. Woody Allen's final movie, Pixar's Sticks. Woody Allen and Roman Polanski present Sticks. In a world where twigs can have sex and it's not weird.

Quentin Tarantino's final Pixar movie, Sticks. Yeah, I'm just looking for some fucking sticks. With Quentin Tarantino's final cameo as the stick guy. Mr. Stick. Yeah, I'm looking everywhere for these fucking sticks. I can't find them. I'm looking for my sticks, all right? And I've got all these fucking sticks, yeah?

And I've got so many fucking sticks, yeah? All right? And I've got 42,000 sticks, and they're all beep. And I beep. Pixar sticks starring Quentin Tar all beep, and I beep. Pixar Sticks starring Quentin Tarantino, written by Roman Polanski, directed by Woody Allen. Musical score by. So there's these sticks, right?

They've got like fucking beautiful feet, right? And it's like, what? It's like in a whole other world. It's like fucking crazy. Musical score by P. Diddy. Produced by Dan Schneider. Funded by the CIA. Pixar Sticks. March 22nd

2025. I would uh it'd be cool to do like a like a kids movie. You know what I mean? Like just like be like Yeah. I'll probably make a kids movie about love if I'm being honest. Yeah I mean I figure Like a guy like you

You've Always told me that you think it's important To teach children about Like Like love and And like love making Like No I didn't

I said love I didn't mean the bladder The bladder? No the ladder Oh Between the two I thought maybe you were implying Pixar's ladders

One hero steps up climbing the patriarchy she was looking for Mr. Right but ended up with Mr. Wrong she married an abusive evil man who beat her they're both ladders Abusive evil man who beat her.

They're both ladders. Disney pitch room is like, okay, so they're ladders, right? And she falls in love with the wrong ladder. I really like the Mr. Wrong bit. I like the climbing, the patriarchy. But in here, let's see, page five, it says that the male ladder beats the shit out of the female ladder until she almost dies. Can you explain as to why that's necessary to include it? I mean, this is a kid's movie after all, so I just wanted to know kind of what you were thinking here. Yeah, so basically, you know, we sent you the email on this one.

It's pretty cut and dry. Bob Iger already loves it. In fact, he loved it so much he changed his name to I'm Eager. To make this movie. Yeah. Yeah, so we already got the full cast on. And there's really nothing we can do But at this point the movie's shot Alright we just shot all the scenes with the ladder

And that cost You know about a hundred million dollars To do cause The main the girl died We were gonna have Well originally we cast River Phoenix To be the lead And that set us back a long time

Because I couldn't think of any other celebrities He was the only celebrity I knew of when we wrote this movie And I just thought, oh, I bet there's going to be a celebrity named Ladder soon That didn't fucking happen at all In fact, nobody's named ladder i almost changed the name of the movie to shoots i was so frustrated well i have a movie about shoots instead well i i think first of, I would like to let you know that Bob is a close friend of mine. And last I checked, we just spoke.

His name, he did not change his name to I'm Eager. But it's nice to know that you were able to speak with him about the movie. Second of all, again, I feel like you haven't really addressed why it's necessary for the ladder lady to get beat near to death by the guy ladder. Because people fall off ladders. Love is a complicated thing, sir. Sometimes when a man loves a woman, everything's fine. But a lot of times, he throws her down the ladder. You know what I mean?

That's just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes you got to get knocked down on a ladder to know how to climb back up. That's the message of the movie. A lot of people are born standing on a silver step ladder. And some people get up. We got to face the facts. Some people have an old rickety wooden two-step. You know, just an old thing that creaks and cranks.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I hate it when a ladder cranks. I hate it when I get my ladder cranked down on. In theaters in 100 years, it's called Pixar's Century. When one little year wants to become a decade, but there's a white guy trying to stop her from being woke. And it's sponsored by Pepsi and Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Mm-hmm. Now in theater starring

Josh Brolin alongside Sidney Sweeney. Mm-hmm. Sidney Sweeney's niece. She's one. When the year one wants to be 70. Complete gibberish.

This is a guy bleeding out in the picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the studio room. Look, the movie, okay, listen, the movie is called Cars 4. It's just a reboot. We just need you to read. You are Lightning McQueen's dad, okay? He was a demolition derby car. He grew up hard, okay?

He was an old Studebaker, all right? And he was tough, and he wanted better for his son, Lightning, wanted him to race in the big races. He himself could never make it. So you just need to hit the main points. It's an origin story. It's about Stu, the Studebaker, Lightning McQueen's dad. He's a demolition derby guy.

We don't need anything about ladders. We don't need anything about domestic violence. We don't need anything about Kevin Spacey. Just hit the main points. Okay, ready? From the studio that brought you Jaws, Pixar's Black Panther 2, Skate 4.

When the guy who died gets brought back for one last mission, do a 720 Whatever it's called Tony Hawk Also brought back to life For one big mission Win back his ex-wife

I really like Can the two guys Do the An unlikely duo The ghost of an actor and Tony Hawk. One white guy, one black ghost. Hey, listen, I really, really, really like the cadence. I really like the delivery.

And I really like the way that you're able to kind of capture the intensity of this story. But, again, it's kind of critically important that you do not stray. There's no movie about a black ghost and a white man. It's just Cars 4. So, you know. Although I do like that idea. Maybe we can keep it in the back pocket. But that's not Cars 4. So, you know. Although I do like that idea. Maybe we can keep it in the back pocket. But that's not this movie.

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Factor is totally suited to your schedule. Pause or reschedule your deliveries anytime, verbatim. Okay, well, do you want to do the main one we pitched? Let's just do the main one we talked about, and we'll just pitch that one. Okay, all right, let's hear it. Yeah, all right. From the studio that brought you Shanghai Noon,

Rush Hour 5, Lolita Express. When an innocent Chinese guy wakes up on an airplane with his charismatic black friend, he meets awesome world leaders and some crazy crooks. Starring Bill Clinton, Alan Dershowitz, Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrews, Prince Andrew, Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan 2, and Sidney Sweeney. Rush Hour 5, Nobody's innocent. This Jackie Chan, like, waking up blindfolded on the Lillia Express,

just, like, tucking tape to the chair. He has to, like, escape or whatever, trying to open up all the fucking exit doors, and Chris Tucker's telling him to calm down. They're just going to a party. They're just going to have a dope-ass time at his friend Jeffy's place. He's doing his action face where it looks like he's trying to eat a really big egg. Yeah. Jackie Chan 2 presents Rush Hour 5.

Lolita Explores. Lolita Explores. Oh, man. Do you think that he ever thought, Chris Tucker specifically, because like Clinton, yep. Andrews, yeah. Dershowitz, yep. But did you think he'd ever thought that like it would ever go sideways? That whole, you know, kerfuffle.

Assuming that he wasn't, you know, intimately involved with any of the more nasty stuff that was happening. But he was just making Rush Hour movies and hanging out. And he wanted to go hang out on a cool guy's island with his buddy Jackie. Jackie Chan wasn't on the fucking plane. Who am I kidding? Man, there's something going on.

Wait a minute. I thought we were going to drink Mai Tai. Hang out on an island. Bill. What was going on? Tell me, Bill. Listen, Chris. Listen to me, Chris.

We're just going to hang out. We're going to get some massages. And we're going to listen to Return of the Mack. Tell me, Bill. I don't understand. We're going to the island that our friend Jeffrey owns. I am not receiving any sexual favors from children.

My wife is here and she will not be sexually involved with children either. We're just here to enjoy some snacks. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Steven Spielberg? What the hell? It could be, but I was doing Alan Dershowitz. It could be.

I don't know how Steven Spielberg talks. But this could be anybody on the plane. It could be like 50 different... Steven Spielberg? Oh my... They got seven... Steven Spielberg's on here. Spielberg's on a plane? Steven Spielberg's. Steven.

Steven Spielberg's. Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg. Yes, Your Honor, I did in fact see Steven Spielberg. He's like Steven Seabird. Steven Seabird. Yes, Your Honor, I did, in fact, see Steven Seabird. He's like an unreliable witness. I was on a plane with Steven Seabird. So the flight logs say Steven Spielberg.

Can you state for the record that you, Christopher, saw Steven Spielberg on the plane with Alan Dershowitz and Bill Clinton. I saw Steven Spielberg. And I saw Steven Seagull. And I saw Speely Steberg. Under oath, I did see Bibb Glimpin. Big Pimpin. Yeah, I was on the plane with Big Pimpin. And it was me, Big Pimpin'. Big Pimpin'. Yeah, I was on a plane with Big Pimpin'. And it was me, Big Pimpin'.

And Trillery Pimpin'. And Mary Pimpins. We were all there with Alan Dershowitz. I was on the plane listening. I was on the plane listening to 21 savage and rod wave and all i was there to do was have a cigarette and a perk 30 imagine if rod wave got on the plane and it couldn't take off yeah rod wave big x the plug maxo cream yeah yeah there's ralphie may tried to fly in the lolita express they had to let him off oh my god yeah yeah it's jeff he's trying yeah the plane was

running out of fuel they're like trying to let him down easy too because they know he's like really sensitive hey listen so that hey uh they we'd so we didn't make enough refreshments and drinks and things. It's not. Man, what y'all talking about? I can't eat the girls on here. Listen, look. We bring them in from all over. You can get massages from them, but you can't eat them, Ralph.

Nah, y'all got me fucked up. Y'all told me it was all you could eat. Right, we have a buffet, but you cannot eat the girls. They are there for leisure. You can offer them advice, maybe hire some of them for whatever it is you intend to do but there is no um you can't you can't chomp on any of the girls um at least not in the way that i believe that you might be thinking ralph man so like yeah it's like first i can't eat a massage table and now it's like i can't eat none of the girls i can't eat none of the spoons none of the chairs i can't eat the pilot are you telling me

i can't eat the pilot. Are you telling me? I can't eat the plane? Man, what a wonderful fucking time. It's awesome that we... It's bad enough I could only feel one Hawaiian shirt in my carry-on. You know how hard it is to fold a fucking 10XL Hawaiian shirt and put it in a damn Smithsonite suitcase? Ralphie, we're sorry. It is kind of funny

that your last name is almost mayonnaise. Have you ever considered maybe as a part of your act going by Ralphie Mayonnaise? Aeoli Mayonnaise. There you go. Mr. Fat fucking...

Fat fuck. I want to be a big fat comedian. I want to be like fucking 800 pounds. And just say stuff like fucking... Spaghetti! What's gabriel glaze's um fluffy dude somebody told me that he does private parties in saudi arabia and they love him over there which is so funny to me like the house of sod like the really hardcore guys like they think he's like the funniest guy of all time i don't know if this is necessarily substantiated allegedly a guy who i know who's a comedian was telling me that it's like a thing

they bring him over there and they like fly him out and he does these like like half a million dollar shows for like all the saudi like princes you know the guys that have like tigers and bears and stuff yeah yeah but like he only does i mean i don't know i haven't seen a bunch of his stuff but he seems to only do like it's crazy being fat and latino like what does it what does a saudi prince have to relate to that you know what i mean like how can they find any common ground between themselves and then like a hugely fat latino guy you know i feel like american culture it's kind of I mean I guess I feel like Latino culture is like pretty interesting worldwide sure okay no I mean I he's also like one of the most famous comics in the world so I mean like yeah that's true um you know maybe they saw him on TV

or something thought he's funny what's I'm trying to think of the funniest comic to fly out to Saudi Arabia. Jeff Dunham doing the terrorist bit? Maybe Bill Burr. Yeah. Has your wife ever... You guys got him wearing the trash bags. Have you ever considered maybe what's under there? What if she's a completely different color? What if she's blue? What if she's a completely different color?

What if she's blue? What if she's got three eyes? Yeah, so I've been trying to walk more lately. Just walking around mostly around my house. But I've noticed, you know, it seems like every time I walk around my house, my wife, you know, gives me something to do. It's like, she's like, oh, you're not doing anything. It's like, I'm walking.

So it's like, yeah, I wasn't carrying a hammer while I was walking, but it doesn't mean I, she says, oh, yeah. Oh, you're not. You're not headed anywhere. You're just walking around. Well, I sometimes bitch. Sometimes I want to fucking walk around my house because I bought it. You know, maybe I'm not looking to fucking go to La Labo every 30 minutes. But, you know, you guys probably deal with that here. Maybe not.

You know, you got the swords and all that. Maybe not. You know, it's just still big around here. Maybe not. You know. Is ISIS still big around here? Y'all still... Are you guys still funding ISIS? I was like, when Andrew Schultz goes to, like, Taiwan and does, like, hyper-localized stand-up, I wonder if he would go to the House of Society.

Y'all still cutting off people's heads out here? Y'all be cutting off motherfuckers' heads. Y'all better not Jamal Khashoggi me i'll be like damn come oh that was hot that was a hot one wasn't it sorry it's just jokes did who killed jamal oh that was the fucking that was prince soma that's so sick he just got away with it dude i want to be Andrew Schultz. This seems awesome. Seems like he has a dope-ass life. Yeah.

Honestly, I haven't talked to him in forever. Yeah. We used to be so tight. We used to have sleepovers. Yeah, I remember you telling me about that. Back when I was eight. Yeah. He was 45.

How old is Andrew Schultz? Let's see. My guess is like 36. 36? Andrew Schultz? My guess is like 36. 36? Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz is 40. He's about to be 41. Okay.

That's pretty awesome. Well, we still got time. You still got about a year and a half until you're 40. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, you know, stand-up for me has been going good. You know got about A year and a half Till you're 40 Yeah no I know I mean I You know Stand up for me Has been going good You know I did

Three shows a month ago Um Where did he get His degree in Let's see This is awesome podcasting We just wrote We've been writing

We've been writing So much awesome stuff Let's see Andrew Schultz like He He looks like he's Like in a witness protection program or something. Yeah, no, that's very...

He doesn't look like an undercover cop. He looks like he... Especially when he has a mustache. Yeah. He did something like one of those guys that gets put into witness for rolling on a bunch of guys. You know what I mean? Yeah. He looks like, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but maybe like a child rapist.

Maybe he murders and dismembers people. I don't mean this in a negative way, but he looks like he does the worst crimes of all time to children and women. He looks like he probably has slaves. of all time to children and women. He looks like he probably has slaves. Yeah, he looks like maybe he does unspeakable acts of sexual depravity to animals, children, and women.

I don't mean this in a rude way, but it looks like he kills and maims and tears apart children, dogs, and women. He looks like he... I don't know. Maybe he embezzles? Like, through some weird... He looks like... Through some weird, like, kind of like how we ran into Shane on accident.

Like, you run into him and you're like, Hey, man, I don't mean this in, like, a weird or bad way, but you just... I always thought, like, you know, I've watched you kind of, like, come up, you know, like, on Netflix and YouTube and stuff. You just look like you, like, really hurt and scare children and women and you destroy their bodies through hate. Has anybody ever told you that you look like a fucking serial killer,

but only for like... You look like you kill sex workers. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy that believes that night ladies are kind of disposable, so you primarily commit crimes to their bodies because you believe that nobody would care. You look like the type of guy who, you don't want to sexually assault a homeless man, but you do it because you know no one would care.

That type of deal. Yeah. Tom is my good... Oh, is he one of those... No, wait, he's, uh, is he one of those, like... No, wait, he's got a... Schultz appeared on the Full Sin podcast. However, due to drama and awkwardness with co-host Stiney,

the podcast wasn't released until 2023. What was the drama with Stiney? Let's take a fucking look, because I'm not gonna be able to fucking get by unless I know. Let's see. I want to know. I want to know. Andrew Schultz roasts Nelk Boy Stiney to near tears.

An extremely awkward podcast interview. What are the people? Let's see. What did he say? What you looking at on your phone? I was looking at cameo. Um, sorry. I'm a millionaire, but, uh, yeah, I, I think whenever I grew up, one thing I've thought

would be cool. Cause when I grew up, you know, like I'm, I'm only 24 right now. So whenever I get to like, when people consider me like an adult. Right, right, I'm only 24 right now. So whenever I get to, like, when people consider me, like, an adult. Right, right, right. And, like, whenever I'm, like, out of high school and stuff. You know, like, whenever it's not cool for me to be at, like, high school parties every single night. Mm-hmm. So maybe, like, 28 or something.

Maybe, like, 35. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be awesome to become famous. You ever thought about that? Yeah, I mean, like, you know, it's over for me. You know what I mean? Like, it's over for me in a lot of ways. But for you, I feel like you could definitely be, like, a... I could see you being, like, a Chris D'Elia-style comedian.

And not, like, any of the bad stuff, but I could see you doing, like, like, you're 43, but you do jokes about, like, being a frat boy. You know what I mean? Like red solo cup. Like, you know, um, it's not, it's not over for you. We got to stick this out. Here's what we do. We both kill our families.

Okay. Step one. I don't have much left, so it'd be easy for me. Yeah. I got to track some people. Yeah. You got, you've got a big ass. It's tough for you out here trying to kill everybody.

So we don't kill our families. Okay, yeah. We leave our girlfriends. Right. That would go good for both of us, I think. I think that would be... Yeah, it would go good for me in terms of having a place to live. Yeah, yeah, for sure. No, yeah, I'll just... Yeah, no big deal. In terms of like having a place to live. Yeah.

Yeah. No. Yeah. I'll just. Yeah. No big deal. And then we become famous. So I think what I'll probably I need to get some more cool guy stories.

Okay. I think I'm going to go. I'm going to apply to a four year university. Okay. I think I could probably get into any one that I want to. Honestly. No. I have like a 1.9 cumulative also you've been to you've been to school for like seven years is that true yeah i've got yeah so i've got like probably over 120 attempted hours

so like they'll know that like i'm good as good at school because i've i've got like i've tried school so many times and i've got like like i'm a sophomore so um you know yeah i could just be like that one like really witty like cool older sophomore yeah like they're like damn that guy's a junior i can't believe he's only 26 now yeah and you could you could rush for like fiji or like sigma yeah yeah i could be the one the one like frat guy that has a full beard and he's also like really thoughtful yeah you could be like really like i'm like the caretaker of the frat like i make sure everybody's doing okay yeah they everybody has their nickname you know like fucking you know big mike and like they got fucking like cane and oh they got oh

that's tibby and then they've got the caretaker slash caregiver slash the understander slash the soulful lover and when anybody like whenever uh like a fellow frat brother breaks up with their sorority girlfriend, you offer sage adult advice. You kind of comfort them. You tell them, oh, there's so many girls named Stephanie Brittany. There's so many girls named fucking Jackie Jennifer. There's so many girls out there named Emily Stephanie. I could say she didn't fucking deserve you she had you have something she could never understand and that's a capacity to grow yeah yeah where she you're

gonna be so much you are gonna be so much in two years you're gonna be famous because of me think about that yeah she's not gonna be dog shit yeah she's probably gonna be dead yeah yeah yeah she's gonna be like look where she'll be at in four years she'll be married to like a guy that looks kind of like you but has more money than you and is more mentally and emotionally stable and just kinder in general and you'll be like my right hand man you know what i mean like you'll be like getting me my coffee you'll be driving my h3 around you know you'll be like making sure my suits are clean stuff like that you know as the caretaker caregiver and soulful lover and the understander of the sigma fiji fraternity i have

so much to offer young minds look uh i don't mean to promise you anything i can't give you but if you want to be a millionaire within six months you stick with me yeah because i have like like if you count my debt and you count like how much money i've managed to like scrape by and save over the last two years i have negative 42 000 and it takes a lot to get to that point it's actually quite difficult you know what i mean yeah i'll tell you what man what's up i i'm tired of being a thought leader yeah you're trying to be a thought leader thot no trying to be a thought fucking feeder you're trying to feed them girls to their fat as fuck you put them in your lifted chevy silverado and you're like welcome to the torta welcome to the torta truck and people like thomas you can't be talking like

that it's super racist it's really inappropriate it's fat phobic i didn't want to do that i was saying i'm tired of being a thought leader i'm ready to be an action leader okay well what do you mean by like you want like you want to put i don't know man I don't want to think about shit I want to do shit I want people to do shit cause of me cause they see me doing some shit and they be like

damn I should do some shit like that you want to be like a tyrannical like a despot sort of like a king or something I want to be a motion maker

you know what I mean I want to be the dude going around the pool making waves okay making the whirlpool I don't want to be in the middle caught in pool making waves. Okay. Making the whirlpool. I don't want to be in the middle, caught in the swirl. Okay, so you're trying.

Yeah, okay, okay. What I mean by that is I think we should start doing fraud. Yeah, I mean, I said, yeah, we've been, I mentioned that when the PPE shit was popped. PPF, PPL? PPE. You were buying a bunch of hard hats, waiting to sell them. I was buying.

Buy low, sell high. I got two yellow high-vis vests from 7-Eleven because I left mine in my other car. Don't nobody want to work no more. That's why I'm buying all the gloves for when they do. Yeah. Yeah. Work smarter, not harder, baby. Hard hat hats about to be 100 bucks a pop yeah i got i got custom hard hats they got fucking butt cheeks on the top of them you got you can get some with balls on the tip i want to go back it you know it's growing up, we'd wear a hard hat to work. And now people look for a hard app they can type in.

You know, growing up, we used to wear high-vis vests to the job site. And now everybody wants to be he-him transvestites. And if that ain't messed up i don't know what it is yeah i wonder if they've i think that might be a phased out word but you know you know we learn every day yeah yeah well yeah i mean i thought and i'm not even joking with you i thought maybe it was one of them gray ones. You know? No, I don't think it is, Jake, but, you know, it's okay.

I know you didn't mean it from a place of evil, but, you know, it's all right. You know, we learn as we go. So many people want to be a foreman in a warehouse, be a foreman in a warehouse. But we used to have more men in a big blouse. You know, we used to, growing up, it's like, we used to want to be blacksmith for the village.

And now, we want to be blacksmith for the village and now we what we want we about uh we used to be uh you used to learn a trade to be a millwright and now you have to you have to go pay to get pills prescribed by your doctor. Gender doctor, yeah. Yeah. You used to join a union to be a plumber, and now everybody doesn't eat enough onions and they're getting dumber

we used to get letters and if it was if you received a letter and it came to the wrong address like it came to you and it was meant for your address but the person it was addressed to didn't live there anymore

you would take the letter and you'd write on it return to sender It was meant for your address, but the person it was addressed to didn't live there anymore. You would take the letter and you'd write on it, return to sender. Right. And now, you know, the polar opposite of that, as opposed to that, you know, before you would get the letter, you'd write on it, you'd say return to sender. And now we have chicken tenders. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we used to ride in the truck on our daddy's lap.

And now everybody wants to look at breasts on their phone and do a fap. Yeah. You know, we used to send our children to become plumbers. And now it's school that we send them to become dumber.

Are you going to homeschool your kids, man? Because I've been thinking. I yeah are you gonna homeschool your kids man because i've been thinking you know i've been thinking yeah i'm not gonna homeschool my kids but maybe some other people's kids i just think that the way that the schools are they're teaching kids how to 69 and they're teaching they got drag queens coming in and showing kids how to uh how to to to even have sex even when it won't get 50 there hard we need to teach we need to start our own homeschool program you know we teach kids about the good book we teach them about um you know judeo-Christian values, like paying $1,300 a month for a Duramax. You know what I mean? Or Milwaukee tools.

Yeah. I remember whenever I was a... Cockroach. I was a... We used to feed tadpoles to our creatures and now we look at instagram and we get uh use filters to change our features yeah that's pretty good one oh yeah. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. I like that.

A lot of people, the lost art of the creature feeding, you know what I mean? Nobody appreciates a good creature anymore. They don't want to be on a film feature, you know? We used to spend Saturday night beating up our manticore, We used to spend Saturday night beating up our manticore, and now we start taking apart our bike and putting it together again so we can handle more horsepower. What do you think of that one, Jake? That's pretty good.

What do you think of that one, delightful audience? What do you think of that one, Jake? That's pretty good. What do you think of that one, delightful audience? What do you think of that, guys? What about... I'm looking at pictures of Andrew Schultz on Google Images, and I got my fucking little baby dick out. I'm looking at the sexiest comedian of all time, Andrew Schultz, and my shit's fucking wet like a goddamn dewy lawn. Just got a nice sheen to it. i bet it feels so bad to give pussy

to andrew schultz i don't i mean probably not girls give pussy away to way way dumber yeah evil men yeah literally evil hitler yeah it's probably way worse yeah yeah it probably felt kind of cool to blow Hitler Not in a You know But they were probably Evil You know Probably evil women

Somewhat In some cases Oh to like fuck Hitler You know Probably saw Saw him as like a rock star You know what I mean Yeah

No for sure Yeah Yeah It'd be like That would be like If you blew like Pantera in the 90s Or something

I think if you If you Like if Ava Braun Was probably like The talk of the town There for a bit Amongst the gaggle of hands She hung out with There in the 90s or something. I think if you, like, if Ava Braun was probably, like, the talk of the town there for a bit amongst the gaggle of hens she hung out with, I would imagine. You know what I mean? Yeah, especially because she blew her head clean off, right?

Yeah, she fucking shot her shit. Now, did she bite the cyanide pill or did she shoot herself too? I don't remember. I don't know. She might have done cyanide. Yeah. It's awesome to kill yourself with your boyfriend because he's the leader of the Third Yeah. It's awesome to kill yourself with your boyfriend,

because he's the leader of the Third Reich. He's pretty sick. Yeah. I'm every woman. It's all in me. What you got going on over there, big dog? I don't know, motherfucker. I'm ready for, you know... Back when I was young, it felt like Eclipse was just a type of Mitsubishi.

And now, all the girls on Instagram are taking trips out to Fiji. Yeah. Not really. I don't know if they are, but I'm sure some of them are. Do you believe the stories about the girls that go out to Saudi Arabia and get peed and pooped on for big stacks of cheese? Do I believe it? Yeah.

Do you believe it's real? Do you believe it's like internet urban legend? I believe that's real. Okay. Yeah, I do too, but like. It's one of the least outlandish things I've heard of. If I had a billion dollars and and I was bored, and I was evil, I'd be like, hey, my dog's going to poop on you.

Here's $50,000. It means nothing to me. I don't even deal in dollars, typically. I have bars of gold I can throw at myself. My Malaysian slaves, yeah. Yeah, my Indonesian slaves, yeah. I guess it is one of those things that if you have like like the kind of unannounced you know private wealth that like kind of dwarves

bezos and the american oligarchy or whatever that if you like if you don't drink alcohol you know and you don't like get silly with a little bit of fucking zaza you don't eat pills you don't jack off um probably just like bring a girl over from florida state university and yeah i have a cat piss on her for like two hours or something like feed a cat a bunch of um like you know laxatives and just like yeah here's 50 grand or whatever i'd probably do it i'm not saying it's crazy to me none of them are into low riders or any of that you know they probably i would feel like they'd get bored with all the bentleys and everything you know what i mean just get just try a little something you know well i think i was i think like saudi prince oil money is like

it's like old white money in the sense that aesthetically it's just very gaudy you know like they don't it's nothing vintage in the sense of like what would be cool like a low rider or anything it's like yeah it's like maybachs and shit you know very flashy or whatever yeah people always you know that there's a luxury uh automaker in china called honky that's awesome can you explain more h-o-n i mean the english translation spelling is h-o-n-g-q-i hongki very nice and uh it's like i think it's like they're kind of like their rolls royce or something it looks kind of like oh is it like luxury yeah yeah they just opened it's they like have a location like riyadh or whatever so

i guess it's probably one thing i've always been curious about is uh uh okay what are these bars seem to be indian where girls are lined up sat on chairs then take it into i saw one at the the Marco Polo Dairy years back when my mate got taken to the Ramy Rose in Barsha. Oh, so they got strip clubs in Dubai, which seems kind of counterintuitive, but... Let me see this. No, this is...

Hongki seems more like a... They look sick, but I think price range is more like a Lincoln or something. Oh, okay. That's not too bad. They honestly do look interesting, though. Drama Club, Dubai. Let's see what we got here.

I'm trying to read the reviews for these. Here's for a secret strip club in Dubai Because I guess they're not allowed to have any yiddies out It was lit, boy Boy Boy West Coast was there singing You was at the club And Haytham was there also He was banning people from the UAE

Imagine you're going to Dubai to party like the rich dogs And fucking you was at the club guy who was there. Yeah, how did he afford to go to Dubai? I think he had a really sick ass run there for a second. Yeah, and then he called a black lady a monkey or something. Yeah, he kind of fucked the game up there. Yeah, he ended up being really racist. Yeah, that's unfortunate.

Yeah. Yeah, he ended up being really racist. Yeah, it's unfortunate. Yeah. This is translated from Arabic. It's clear that it is worse what the guys described in the comments, and the one who was stung by the drink blows on the yogurt. A friend who visited nightclubs alerted me about this very unfortunate experiences of distress and many problems.

They embarrass you as much as they can to ruin your night. They don't mind going to the police to increase your distress or pushing them away by force. While you're in Dubai, you can enjoy much more in Dubai's wonderful landmarks. There are many examples, but let us stick to the Dubai frame. Yeah, dirty. Let's see here. Bad experience. Egyptians. let's see here bad experience Egyptians I'm trying to find

are there strip clubs in Dubai more places I just want to there's just a club in Dubai called Women's Secret And it's right next door to African Nightclub Oh dude These names rock The Pirates Russians Dance Club

Yachts VIP The Women's Secret African Nightclub Let's see. Traffic. Let's see. Blame. Traffic?

Yeah. That doesn't sound good at all. Nightclub in Dubai called Traffic. All right. Let's see what we got here. Very bad music. They play the worst Iraqi songs, and they're not even known. Really horrible.

The DJ's not even trying to change the music, even if most people are not dancing. Very stupid. I was about to read a review, and I realized the Dubai nightclub I was going to read from was in Charlotte, North Carolina. Ha ha ha. club I was going to read from was in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Bro, these tables cost a thousand dollars. Not great for Muslims. They serve alcohol here. That's not good. I mean, I guess it's fine. I think Dubai is like the only place you can get alcohol there, though. Topaz VIP Indian Club.

All right. Well, hold on. Are there strip clubs in UAE? There's the Red Light Club. I already read about that one. Comedy Kicks. Muscovites. That doesn't sound good.

Secret Room, Dubai. Hysteria Club, Boudoir. Rasputin Nightclub. I just want to know if they got any goddamn titty bars in the fucking UAE. Because I got plans. Are there any sexy strippers in Dubai? There are no strip clubs in Dubai. What a beautiful question.

Are there any sexy strippers in Dubai? There is a website called Massage Per Hour, which is a Dubai escort directory where you can see the services advertised by your masseuse and escort so you will have an idea of what services she will and will not do. But few Dubai escorts are offering stripping and other extra services as well

to satisfy their customers. That's sad. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. Actually, I don't know. I don't know if I'd want to be a stripper in Dubai. Let's just Google Dubai nightlife for adults, which really seems if I'd want to be a stripper in Dubai this is Google Dubai nightlife for adults

which really seems like I'm trying to have an affair but I'm just trying to trying to produce content here red light district Dubai sensation club oh no there's a whole goddamn

fucking website dedicated to strippers and ladies of the evening. You can view the girls. I don't want to click that button. I don't know where I am, Thomas. I think I clicked on something bad. I think I'm on a really bad part. Jake is doing sex trafficking.

I feel like I'm on a Red Room fucking roll call here. Oh, here's one called White Dubai. Ugh, no. Okay, all right. I got to get out of here. Oh, here's one called White Dubai. No. Okay, alright. I gotta get out of here. Thotties Dubai. Alright. Alright. Best male dancers

show... Strip Club Dagestan. Is there a good strip club in hell hold on strip clubs Chechnya I just looked up Chechnya

yeah I was about to strip clubs Chechnya wait are there okay Strip clubs, Chechnya. Wait, are there strip... Okay. It tried to autocorrect you and said, here, Cheyenne's Gentleman's Club in Rolland, Oklahoma.

Just what you wanted. There are no nightclubs, strip clubs, bars, or discos in Chechnya, even underground ones. Alcohol and dancing is punishable by law. Fuck Chechnya, dude. That sucks ass. Chechen sex porn videos.

That's not really what I was looking for. Dagestan nightclub. Can't imagine what their pornography is like. Must be brutal. I'm not going to click for it. Dagestan nightclub. Can't imagine what their pornography is like. It must be brutal. Oh, my God. I'm not going to click on it, but just two people sharing an eyebrow. I don't know if I ever told you on the show,

but Habib, when he was at kind of the height of his fame, tried to shut down all the nightclubs in Dagestan and was prohibiting rappers from coming there. Which is funny to think. The only rapper I can think that would go to Dagestan is somebody like Freddie Gibbs, you know? Or like Lil Pump. Just for the joke of it or whatever.

He did a tour in Mongolia or some shit. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's funny. Five things... Freddy? No, Lil Pump. Five things to know before visiting Dagestan.

Is it safe to go to Dagestan? Visitors are not assessed as security. My find is different. How do I communicate with the locals? Nightclubs are scarce in Mahachkala, not to mention in smaller cities. Although there are posh restaurants, there are few. Instead, shabby local spots dominate the landscape.

Modern Dagestani women will not generally take offense at a good-spirited approach by representatives of the opposite sex. However, this rule varies from place to place. Oh, so they like a little riz down there in the fucking dag of dune. Let's see. Afghanistan strip club. I'm just kind of shooting in the dark here. What are you doing over there, Thomas?

I was looking at Lil Pump's Mongolia dates. Okay. Let's see. He went to like, he did a Saudi show. Yeah. He did Mongolia. He did Japan. It's cool.

He's awesome. Listen, I'm looking up strip clubs in Baghdad Strip clubs Mogadishu Oh god damn my fucking computer Piss and shit Everything's fine Everything's kosher Let's see.

Strip clubs, Muslim countries. I just need to get this going. Guys, this is the content part of the show. Strip joints in Damascus. Who knew? Oh, here's something good. Hey guys, so I have a haram list. Should I remove going to a strip club from my haram list?

I guess I have done everything except dating and having vaginal or anal sex. Lol. Or going to a strip club. Edit. Owning a dog. Also not done. Here's all I have done. Drinking, smoking weed, tried a cigarette, and will never touch again.

Going to a nightclub. I've gotten drunk. Made out, and will never touch again. Going to a nightclub. I've gotten drunk. Made out with a hot girl. Bought drinks at a nightclub. I had oral sex. Saw two women naked. Edit. I was eating haram food, including pork at the time.

I am not interested in trying any other drugs, so that's why I only alcoholism lists. Let's see. Why I have a haram list i need to get alex in here let's see okay i found it it's called the ultimate strip club list.net and it's got a world map Where you can zoom in different parts of the world And try and find one I just I was in Chad Trying to find one

Now I'm in Libya I can't find any strip clubs in Libya Let's see about Oh I got one for you Big Tom Baby Dolls Strip Club in Tel Aviv, Israel Baby Doll Baby Dolls Strip Club Baby doll strip club in Tel Aviv, Israel. Baby doll? Baby doll strip club.

All right, let's see what we got here. I mean, Tel Aviv makes sense. It's like the less religious part. The girls are ugly, fat, hairy, and have STDs. God help you if you give these gangsters a dime. No strip clubs in Kazakhstan. Come on. Give me something to work with

here. How about Mongolia? We got any horseback? This is the most Gazan club. They humiliate the Jews forever. Arabs a place from Gale. If you value your money, choose another place to hang out,

there is no shortage of places like this in Tel Aviv. They are frauds in an unusual way. A place of fire. The girls are bomb. The place is cozy. The music,

going back there for sure. Well, I found zero in North Korea and one in South Korea. Okay. So, I guess South Korea wins this war. A review of baby dolls in Tel Aviv, Yafo, Israel. From Yulia Vargin Levenstein. Pleasant and beautiful smiling girls. Awesome.

Yulia Vargen Levenstein. Pleasant and beautiful smiling girls. Awesome. From Nimrod... Nimrod... Zelvenstein? Whores are all cheaters and cheaters. Man, these Israelis are pretty mean people. I guess I had been exited out

and I was on just Google Maps at one point oh that's alright I was like man I can't find anything yeah that's cause it was man I wish we would have started this earlier cause these Israeli strip club reviews are pretty awesome Israeli strip club Bursa

everybody says this is the hot place on Reddit let's see what Bursa's got to offer Bursa's got to offer. Bursa Club Israel. Permanently closed. Okay, these are all... That's not good. Not going to read any of those. Those were pretty tough.

They were just kind of troll ones, I think. Not real. The Ultimate Strip Club List. Oh, yeah. Is that the one you were reading from, Thomas? Yeah. I didn't really have any luck with it, honestly. Okay. But it's okay.

Maybe next time. Strip Clubs in Israel. Baby Dolls, Vic. Sexo Club. Let's see the reviews of Sexo. Oh, this one's nice. You may or may not like this club. I found the dancers to be a bit too physical in their lap dances.

I think I had about five lap dances from five girls. It's like, ah, not very good lap dances. I only got five of them From Harl Stiefel Review of, what's the name of this club? Saxo I didn't understand where the naked men were Very good

Crazy place, crazy place, crazy sexy place Here's an awesome headline from the Times of Israel magazine. Okay. How Tel Aviv's Pussycat Strip Club became a Jewish value center. Oh! Once an alleged venue for sex trafficking, the unusual round mirrored beachside building now to serve as center for activism,

including empowering women from troubled backgrounds. So the name of this gay strip club is in Hebrew. I'm about to translate it, so just bear with me because I can't read Hebrew. Hebrew to English. But it is a gay-only strip and singles club in Tel Aviv. Okay, I know this is probably a mistranslation thomas but when i put in the name of this gay strip club in tel aviv in english it's just called rafael the stripper i like it i would like to read the reviews of rafael the stripper

please show me them do they have reviews turned out? No, fuck no. They got them. Let's see. I just want to read the fucking lowest ones. No, they don't have any. Raphael seems to do a pretty good job. Ah! Nice job, Raphael.

Tel Aviv strip club BDSM club called Dungeon. I don't like... Charming. Yeah, I don't like this. Let's see. This is the only S&M kink club in Israel. You can see a lot of things here. Not hardcore as Germany, but also fun.

This doesn't feel like a safe place. They put drugs in our cocktails, so we didn't remember anything happening in the club. Bunch of complainers. Okay. Shindu. Eleven Club. Dell Club. Yeah, alright.

Strip clubs in... Strip clubs in fucking Lebanon. Is Lebanese a funny place? I don't fucking know. No, I think they place? I don't fucking know. No, I think they're... I don't think so. All right. Hey, if you're listening to this...

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