Pendejo Time - Jakes Fired

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

Almost ruined the podcast with the worst pun I've ever made. Support the Show.

You know I had a heart attack the other day. Yeah. How bad was it? Dude, it was probably the worst heart attack I've ever had. So you've had others? I'm just saying it was the worst one my they said it was so um they had they took me to the heart attack section of the hospital because they had a special heart attack doctors now yeah now they have a minute yeah yes it's one of the things uh with the

with the trump administration now they have this specific wing of the things with the Trump administration now, they have this specific wing in the hospital that's just for guys who had too much shrimp and stuff. Like the Big Mac guys. Yeah. No, but I had a heart attack. I really did. And it was easy for me. So I just – any of you you guys are struggling with heart attacks

i just want you to know you can just sit in your room wait it out most of the time yeah i um i'll like wake up after eating like a lot of meat uh or like you know a lot of like fried food and my heart will just be like but i've been asleep yeah and uh and i'm like dude i'm 20 i'm like 26 years old so yeah but as it turns out um if you lived like your entire teenage and into your adult life sort of as a stupid idiot that like you don't really like that stuff sticks with you it doesn't your body doesn't reset yeah before it goes to bed well you're gonna die in two years so that's really why you know what would rock if if this you know we stick with this two years in we're making some real money and then we won't and then no it we won't but this we we're doing hypotheticals you

know um we're doing we're doing anyway um and so you know i die i'm dead yes and it's at like five grand a month and uh which is impossible as you said but you're like yeah you know uh we're looking to get another co-host but i think i'm just gonna do it on my own because it feels wrong to replace jake my very close friend who i actually talk to every day and we you know we text each other you know i knew yeah you know like and so and people on the internet are like are you sure you just don't want to keep podcast money for yourself and you're like no you know i really like i don't like uh i don't like want yeah i can't tarnish his memory yeah yeah yeah and then people are like how long did you know him i'm like pretty much as long as we from when he suggested

to start it until it was over no I think I if as soon as you die I'm turning on you I'm telling people that you were just a terrible person I'm going to try and get

you know everyone close everyone close to you to disavow you. I think that's really good. I was afraid to come out with this before because of the power you held over the people. You have like four times as many followers as me and you're like, Jake, just his power level. His power was sort of, you know. Can you eat deodorant? No, you're not supposed to.

But I feel like they've probably made it non-toxic by now. I think you can eat most things, man. It says it doesn't have a poison control warning on it. So that means you can probably eat it and be okay. i'm not going to

the human body is profoundly like a resilient thing sometimes other times it isn't pretty weak but no i just can't imagine it tastes very good but it smells gorgeous um as a kid i had to shampoo the the no johnson and johnson like the no tears or tears or the fuck shampoo and smelled like strawberry watermelon and uh like i have like a lot of good stuff in my life i guess now but not i mean it's all right and uh but as a kid i was like yeah dude if it smells like this good then it must taste this good so i opened my mouth up completely and i took like a glot like just a big and of course i like immediately gagged and like because it's soap you know and i run yeah i run out of the bathtub and crying my mom's like what happened did you fall i'm like. My mom's like, what happened?

Did you fall? I'm like, no. She's like, what? My mom's probably like 20, 21 years old this time. And she's like, did you, is there like a spider or something? And I'm like, no, the soap tastes bad. And she like starts cracking up, crying, laughing. And she's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

The soap tastes bad. I'm like, it says strawberry on the bottle. And i have strawberry syrup in my milk you get it i obviously didn't say that i wasn't having a level of rationale it was mostly just wailing and that was when i found out that even though soap smells good it doesn't particularly taste all that great uh yeah i learned somehow yeah i used to always hope that vanilla extract would start tasting good i drank it probably six times as a child doesn't what does it taste like uh it tastes like alcohol yeah that makes sense that's what it mostly is but i i would just put it in a little teaspoon like it was medicine. I used to eat.

And it would taste terrible. I used to eat handfuls of bacon bits as a kid. It's probably why I'm so fucked up now. Yeah. And other reasons, I guess, too. But, I mean, just the major one is the bacon bits. And I remember one time, I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. My mom worked a lot.

Yeah, yeah, obviously. Yeah. um i had a lot of i spent a lot of time alone as a kid my mom worked a lot yeah obviously yeah and so i would come home like my mom would come home and i'd be like sick and she's like did you eat like poison and i'd be like no because i was a little fat fucking kid i like to eat anything that looked like it might taste good on the off chance that it might and so i was like no i probably had like uh seven to twelve handfuls of bacon bits which is just like salt dyed brown or whatever and uh yeah i some people are like oh addicts you know it's an environmental thing i think for me it was genetic and so far as from a young age if something tasted good but you needed it in

moderation like salt or sugar or bacon bits or like soap uh i uh no i wanted to like eat all of it like i would just eat spoonfuls of sugar as a kid because it was sweet yeah salt and like spices i would just put like tony satchery's like in my hand like a pile of it and i would just like go fucking paw wild dude fuck oh yeah i used to eat handfuls of brown sugar you ever have this yeah yeah that shit rocks dude yeah or uh and and uh when we were little, I have six siblings. So if there was any Dr. Pepper or anything in the house, you had like 30 minutes to get some before it was gone. Okay.

You know, like it was, I mean, we didn't get it often. If it was there, we'd always get it often if it was there, but it would get the two liters and they'd be gone like within an hour. Yeah. So whenever I started driving and stuff and I got my own job, I was like, wait, I can just like buy soda. Yeah. So I ended up just starting to drink like well over a case a day yeah of like dr pepper

beer and stuff which is a really disgusting like yeah habit when i was when i when i got that when i got my first job working at joe's um i i got like my first like tip money you know and I was making pretty decent money as a waterfront restaurant super busy and I was like dude I can buy my like I can buy cigarettes I was having like I was using like Adderall money and like weed money and I wasn't really selling a lot so like I just said you know and i was like i dude i can buy two packs of cigarettes i can buy five packs of cigarettes i can buy 29 packs of cigarettes it's like i was living at home still before i moved off to austin i didn't have any expenses my car was like uh this old beater crown victoria oh i didn't have any fucking payments on it it was like 20 years old um and so like that for me was like really bad because at 18 you're like i have 200 and i never learned like financial literacy really or anything like that still

don't know it so i was like 200 is like 50 no it's like 30 packs of cigarettes it's like i could get like four cartons and like, that's pretty much what I did. And then like that. And like, you know, Steelers are forties and shit. That was, that was like my, yeah. Yeah. So whenever we're like a, like an adult person tells me, yeah, I started working at 17 or 18 and I saved all my money. I'm like, how did you know how to do that because me i'm like i have money i need to spend it on stuff i like like nicotine and sugar and like uh alcohol and like

uh shoes and boot knives and fucking guitar pedals and uh and uh like uh jackets that suck and like uh chimichangas and uh taquitos uh gas uh i need to buy um new microphones and i need to buy like i need to get my hair cut even though i just gotta cut like i can't hold on to money i'm so fucking bad about it yeah i'm actually really good at it and i have that's why i have so much more money than you. But no, I'll go through phases where I save up a lot. And then something, just a switch goes off, and I just blow all of it. I remember when I first dropped out of college, I had a good warehouse job. When I first dropped out of college, I had a good warehouse job. And I was making, you know, I mean, good money.

I don't know how much it would translate to per year, but I only had it for like seven weeks. It didn't really matter. But I put, I had just gotten completely like clean and sober and stuff because I had to pass drug tests and everything. And so I hadn't – all my money was just stacking in my account. I wasn't even blowing it on anything. And so I spent probably – I thought, how can I waste all of this? And so I got into cryptocurrency.

Nice. But not in the insane insane way that of people who check it all day i would put like 300 bucks in a completely worthless coin and never check it yeah and i did this with probably $2,400. That's incredible. And later withdrew the remaining like 600 that was left. Didn't matter. That rocks.

It was fine. And I say that like I had a bunch of other money. That was not the case. That was about all the money i'd saved up and i had to go back and get fined on the crypto because i had so many legal fees later on and i i was like oh well i think i've got like two thousand dollars or something i went and it had all gone away you know that was fine because I didn't have to deal with it that way, which is a very insane way to view money. But yeah, I don't like, I try to my friends that I've made in my life that like come from money.

And so of course their parents are good with it. They're like, yeah, have you ever thought about like a 401k or like a like a savings account with a like a decent interest rate or something and i'm like what's that and they're like how old are you and i'm like i'm 23 years old a few years back i'm 23 and they're like you need to like what do you do you like to google stuff and i'm like yeah like monkeys and like gore videos like robberies cops getting beat to death uh pornography um more gore videos uh free ufc streams you know like you should google like financial literacy and i'm like that sounds like a lot of work yeah like you're a smart guy you can handle it and i'm like i really can't because like i love

spending money on like stupid shit like i uh when i was working at the the job site i was making per diem and it was 712 jobs so i was getting 40 hours pay per diem and then 30 hours of overtime roughly give or take uh dude like rain outs or whatever you know and i would like i didn't save any of that money i probably made like close to twenty thousand dollars in like four months and uh which isn't really even that much money that's a lot of that's stupid not to us no yeah of course i mean i guess like it was like five thousand a month which is insane that's the most money i've ever made any job but anyway and then my mom before i moved back

to central texas austin area she was like oh how much of that money working at the warehouse did you make or save and i was like like 17 um she's like like 1700 and i'm like uh 17 dollars uh she's like what did you spend it all on you didn't buy guitar stuff well at the time i was like going on like uh i would just be like hey let's go to the bar and uh let's get like uh you know the champagne that like sparks and stuff and like that's let's get a like a of well liquor, but because it's table service, it's like $950 million. And I just, dude, I'm really like, I think I should have been wealthy. Like I'm, I'm a rich person or poor person's body. Like,

I think I should have trans tendered and that's terrible. I fucked that. I'm out. I'm out. I'm fucked that. It was awful. Yeah. That was objectively terrible. We're going to have to bleep that. Not because it's offensive, but that's just one of the worst. One of the worst jokes I've heard in my whole life.

No. No, I really like, I don't know why I said that. For the rest of this episode, I'm just going to be watching TV and letting you figure that out on your own. Don't do that, man. Oh my goodness. I'm hanging your coat up on the guess.

Man, that was garbage. I don't know how you want me to move fast. We to move faster. We just get faster. We just move. Man, we don't have to move. Do you want to do another episode after this,

or do you want to just call it? I think what we should do is... Appreciate the money Jake ruined. No, I know what you mean. No, I really like, I really just, I really couldn't, I really, you ever have somebody throw something down the middle? You play like kid pitch and you're like, I'm going to hit this out of the park. And you point like the guys in MLB do, I don't know if you play baseball. And then you just whiff all three. Yeah, I'm trying.

I'm working on it. I just put a piece of gum in for about 10 seconds before remembering how, realizing how annoying that would be for like a whole hour of me just. Dude, when people eat on podcasts i get so mad i get really like there's it's the worst it's the worst thing in the field it'll be and you know what's the it always happens when it's either a really like

informative cool piece or a funny joke that one of the hosts is like yeah i'm gonna eat a burrito like right now like really loudly and disgustingly and i'm like okay like i dude i'm not i'm done here we're done here like i would rather you say a joke like transgender than hear you fucking you know eat like so don't say it again how dare you dude he understands that like this is this whole thing is riding on our ability just not prepare at all and somehow pull through and you want me bounce back off. And I quote, yeah, I wish I was tender. What? You know what that is?

You know Mike Huckabee, the guy that posts like, that's a Mike Huckabee joke. That's like, if I threw you like an 80 mile per hour fastball, and before you even left my hand, you just walked up to the mound and started beating me to death with the bat.

No, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, no, I don't think – go ahead. You start talking now. I'm done. I don't think... You start talking now. I'm done. I think if I had a lot of money like inherited or something,

I think I would absolutely blow through it. Yeah, there's no way. I don't see how you could not. Well, I could, but... No, like could not, like couldn't. Because I know people who kind of come from yeah money yeah me too and they're all terrible with it they're all like like you can they'll be responsible with the money they're just given for like two weeks yeah yeah and then it's just back to because why not if you didn't like

earn it yeah what's the point yeah yeah uh i think i've talked about him before but the roommate i had whose dad gave him in like a monthly allowance of like five grand a month there would be like times when he would run out of that in like two three weeks and before like he would like he would call his dad while we were like uh hanging out the house or whatever we shared and he'd be like dad i need like another two or three thousand dollars and he's like what like his dad would be on speaker he thought it was funny he'd be laughing and he's like yeah i uh some stuff came up and he's like i pay for like all of your bills and then i give you this much money for your rent and then for your car payment which you pay

but i still kind of like you you pay it but i give you the money anyway he's like yeah some stuff came up and he's like like what you're on my health insurance like you haven't been to the doctor and he's like yeah just you know anyway they would do this song and dance by the end of the fucking phone call he'd be like yeah i just dropped like 2500 in your wells fargo account uh just try not to do this too often he'd be like he'd hang up the phone and he would he like mission impossible he'd be like got it done we got it i'm like dude you make more money than i'll ever make in my whole life per month and you just kind of like hang out yeah like if anybody ever sends me 2500 it it will and this the the offers on the table yeah yeah it's never happened to me probably never will but if you do that, I might cry. That would change my life so much.

It's insane how... And if you want to see how much it will change my life, anyone listening, I will accept that much money from you. You should put your cash app in your bio and become like one of those guys because i'm like that jovan guy or whatever that black guy who gets banned like every 10 minutes oh yeah yeah yeah he was big like two years ago yeah yeah i remember yeah like you should do that and then you should like uh you should do that and then you should like uh put you should start doing medium articles about how like uh rick and morty is like racist or whatever and uh i think that would get us more listeners i think like we should expand to like a really kind of like a like Not like woke, but just annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of like... I don't know. Maybe try to break into the Red Scare market. I don't know what that means. Oh, yeah. Never mind then. I don't... I don't...

I don't know. I don't know what you want me to tell you. I don't... I try not to listen to skinny women too much i don't i've never listened to them but i said people talk about them on the internet and you see pictures of them against your will uh i don't wish i don't wish to be involved with that world um it's just not not in like a creating drama way i i don't want it to be in my mind anymore. Yeah, fair, fair, fair.

I want to think about things like when I was little, I was friends with this turkey. This isn't something I'm making up. This is the heart attack I made up. Everything on here is true that we say. No, no, this actually did happen. I used to play out in the woods all day.

I was homeschooled. I was probably nine years old. Probably ten. I'm out in the woods. I'm working on a fort. It's not like the kind with turrets or anything. It's just a bunch of sticks up in a cluster of trees. Do forts normally have turrets?

The real ones do. The big ones, I believe. I'm chilling and this baby turkey but so I'm chilling and this baby turkey comes up to me like very calmly you know I'm a child not currently

at the time I was and you know it's a bit surprising but he just followed me around. We sort of became friends. I believe I called him Robert. Over the course of the next year or two, he grew up to be a fine young turkey, a good guy.

And from time to time, I'd be out in the woods and old Robert would come up and say, Hey, how you doing, man? And we'd hang out for 30 minutes or so. And then one day, he just stopped coming around. One day, you know, he just stopped coming around. But, you know, I like to think he found a turkey wife. And, you know, they had some turkey kids. And, you know, he's out there in the wild or he's in a turkey family somewhere.

But chances are he was, you know, killed. Yeah, murdered. Yeah, almost definitely. Yeah, I don't even know the lifespan of an average turkey but i'm certain he died yeah dude you don't there's also a chance that he there's a chance but i haven't seen him in a while i imagine he's he's a goner by now but one time me and my dad were driving around and well he was driving i was probably i was a kid i was young and there was a turtle in the road a pretty decent sized turtle and uh he's like you want to see something and i was like yeah sure he's like you see that turtle right there i'm like yeah and my dad just guns it

and just like runs over the like runs runs the turtle over and he starts laughing. And I'm like, I'm like crying. And I'm like, dad, why'd you do that? And he's like, he was in the road. I was like, it's like, it's a turtle. You can move out the way. And he's like, yeah, but who cares? Right. And at that moment I realized my dad was always kind of a strange guy, but there's fundamentally

something profoundly wrong there. I don't know why I brought that up because it's not funny. Well, I never had anything like that because you know i had normal childhood and everything other than the ability to communicate with turkey yeah you should do a dr doolittle they should make you dr doolittle i'm gonna be

brother nature except i forgot about that guy. Except slightly, here's a twist. I'm going to be worse at fighting. I'm going to get jumped and lose even worse. Now, Brother Nature,

that was kind of weird, that whole debacle. I don't know if you ever tuned into that. He made a claim that he got jumped or whatever in a restaurant by two guys and then like the security footage came out or whatever and he like clearly started a fight and they got tuned up. And then just got whooped. That's just how it goes sometimes. I saw him post up recently though with a friend of the pod. Please come on.

A beautiful young lady by the name of Tiana Trump. Once again, the offer Mrs. Trump it still stands? Yeah, Mrs. Trump, it still stands. Yeah, 100%. Did she leave you on scene, by the way? I think it's in her message requests. She probably has at least one or two messages.

I would imagine it's an absolute crime scene. I don't know why she has open DMs. Yeah, I don't know why she has open DMs but yeah I don't know why like anyone with more like I'm thought about shutting mine off but like just think about that like yeah just think about it's gotta be hundreds of thousands

easy easy and then she's got my one message like good evening ma'am I hope you're having a good one. I invite you formally to come join me and my friend Jake and talk about hitting animals with our cars for an hour. We talk about bosses we've had, and we've talked about times we have not been too kind to other,

the misanthropy that comes with being alive and then and then also uh having uh like you know good times anyway i've seen some of your movies on the internet and uh i'd like to say that i think you're a phenomenal actress uh the way you played a nurse and a cheerleader and a real estate agent and a stepsister and a coffee girl. And you have a range that we have not seen since Nicole Kidman. And I think that you have insight that me and Thomas could use. And I think that I need you to understand something. I don't have a lot of friends in my life or women that I talk to that enjoy the way I am as a person and the things that I say and do but i feel like if you and me spent something like 19 days together in a log cabin that you that you and me could become possibly best friends maybe even something

more so i understand it's 4 14 in the morning on a tuesday but if you could get back to me within the next 25 to 37 seconds that might prevent me from uh swallowing a glock 40 i really i really appreciate it when like there will be like some 75 year old man who's like replying to to one of them or whatever and he's like he's like baby you're too sweet for this you're too good you don't need to be doing You're too good. You don't need to be doing this. It's the best shit. You don't need to be doing this to yourself. Yeah.

You're a good girl. I know. And you don't need to be degrading yourself. You need to be with a real man like me. Yeah. Like Wilford. Me, Wilford, 791135. 1488.

Me, Wilford. By the way, MA maga and i see your last name here and that makes me think maybe you and me have quite a bit in common because see by the way my profile picture is my phone two inches from my nose and i don't know if you can tell but i have uh rosacea from drinking gut gut rot whiskey for 14 15 years now and i uh i think i could take you away from this life do you understand me i think that if you gave me a chance there could be something between you and me yeah have you ever seen that movie with brad pitt the mexican in in in that movie look i'm gonna be honest i haven't i haven't seen it and i'm not too familiar with it but you look kind of something i mean you don't look like me or my daughters or like my wife but i think that he that he in that movie he i guess goes

to mexico or something like that and it's one of the most mexican movies you've ever seen in your life yeah yeah yeah it's you know and and when i see because like I said, you play such a great school teacher. And I think, and I've always wanted me a wife who understands fundamentally the importance of education and the importance of wearing clothes that you type fit. Anyway. I think you would look so good at working at the La Quinta Inn, where I'm manager of the janitorial staff. I have a great fit in, so good hair. If you just give me a chance, making $12,000 a year for me. Leave this fast life

leave this because i know i mean i know i see it in your videos you yearn for for for a life of simplicity and i have a 1999 toyota tacoma that we could ride off into the sunset at fort worth texas uh just that you, I got a little house out there. Well, it's not mine. It's not really a house as much as it is a one-bedroom apartment that my son pays for for me. But you and me, we could – there's a different life for you. You don't have to keep doing what you're doing. Now don't get me wrong.

I do like what you do. In fact, I've probably been watching you since you started. I Google your age most days and sort of how tall you are and how big your feet are. And sort of like, well, I went to, I went to the, to the bridal store. And I said, i have some measurements here uh and they're like oh well who's the lucky lady and i said well you know it's for my uh my wife but they were your measurements and i had them fitted up and so as it turns out you know they don't take too kindly to getting measured up and then like

doing that work and then i don't pay for the dress so i need you to even, they don't take too kindly to getting measured up and then like doing that work. And then I don't pay for the dress. So I need you to even if you don't respond to this message in kind, I need you to to possibly wire thirty two hundred dollars to my Bank of America account, because I have a dress that fits unless you want to do. get married to me uh wilford 77492 maga uh because it that would mean because if you did by the way i don't really like do a lot of walking around i'm five foot nine 512 pounds but i i mean you know i played ball and i do have a good heart, and I'm a good Christian man. I only have 13 DUIs and seven PIs and nine charges of domestic assault, but I've come around. Hey, girl, if they let me out of the state of Nevada, you know I'd be right there next to you.

You know, I did a little bit of googling uh after i got your measurements for the bridal store and i found that you are from sacramento california and i found and i googled that city to where i put it in the google maps you have you ever seen them google maps you can put in anything and it'll tell you how long it takes you to get there i found that it would be a 28 hour and 34 minute drive from where i'm at so it's monday now and i could be with you in just a little over a day it wouldn't take nothing uh it wouldn't take anything for me to be please respond i know this message at this point has been something north of 2 000 words and uh you probably get a couple messages lady like baby garage wants you to know i think you're maybe at least second third most beautiful woman in your apartment complex by far at least on your side of the it's you live in a big apartment complex baby but but gosh darn it on your side you know

had a cousin once he was kind of one of them floating around kind of guys he lived in la he he he kind of had like a haircut that was funny he talked funny i don't i don't want to say nothing mean about him he lived in la and he and and so i went to visit him one time and he told me that he lived with a porn star so maybe you live with my cousin and maybe and maybe that that maybe it's can't maybe it's meant to be uh because you know me uh I don't know if I got much longer to live I have my legs swole up from diabetes and the other one from gout and i think maybe that uh that that you might be the woman who could heal me girl i'm not the smartest man in in this part of you know arizona or or even in my household, but I did figure out a way to make my EBT

credits roll over. And if you come to this part of Arizona, I can't disclose my location. I know yours. I won't be disclosing mine unless you ask for it. And then you can have my address.

You come here, I'll teach you how to do finance. How does $200 a week at Waffle House sound? Yeah, I don't. Because I can make that happen for you. If you get tired of this fast life, making $50,000 a night. In conclusion, you should come on the padeo podcast i uh because i don't uh i don't know listen thomas and and and uh and and jake are both there i financed their little project and and i've i've been lying a little bit i got some money stowed away i've got 45 in the savings account and if you if you

could anyway uh thanks baby and uh i hope to see you i will be seeing you in my dreams i i got a little root kit in your webcam so i i see little dances you do and uh all right well god bless you and uh lord be with you and blue lives matter and uh and jesus saves and uh you know all that stuff do you think do you think she knows that she has the same last name as the president i would like to imagine that uh one there are two scenarios that are funny to me. It was obviously like a search gimmick, like a marketing gimmick, where she has absolutely no idea.

She doesn't even know who – she probably still thinks it's like Barack Obama or something. She just has no idea who the president is. Did you ever hear she she flew herself out to hang out with Colin Kaepernick no and then he did not reimburse her for anything she did it on her own dime

and she like tried to complain about it on twitter or something everyone was like yeah so he's like he's like a pimp then. That's an awesome move on his part. Got got there. She was like, well, yeah, I wanted to

hang out with him and everything. So they were like, so yeah, he didn't do anything wrong. He just got finessed on that one. That rocks. That is what really finally changed my opinion on him.

What was your opinion before? I thought he was really cool. oh man yeah I agree I think he's a pretty cool guy oh god damn yeah you and me have been at each other's throats I think he's a pretty cool guy. Oh, God damn. Yeah. Some common ground, you know? Yeah, you and me have been at each other's throats for the last two and a half weeks.

Oh, my God. I think it rocks. Because my family, most of my family, we're not a football family, which is weird. We're a Texas family. My weird as like we're texas family but my dad doesn't care about football my mom's never given a fuck about football but colin kaepernick like has you know he's he has his takes or whatever and suddenly my mom knows everything about like him his career his shortcomings as a quarterback you know whatever and uh she's like you know he he gets paid to play football he don't get paid to have

you know i mean it's not his job to like be making comments huh and it's like dude you like we've never watched football as a family like ever like in our whole fucking lives and now you know everything about like the 49ers and you know everything about you know his past like it's like an obsession with

obviously like his stance on whatever it's just very very on what like Obviously, like his stance on whatever. It's just very, very... On what? Like... On hanging out. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people hate him

because he just doesn't like hanging out. He's not like a chill guy. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't. A lot of people... His vibes. People think his vibes are off. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because I don't know the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never want to judge a book by its cover

or whatever. What cover do you mean? The... I don't know what you're referring to you ever like have you know what man i'm not even gonna tell i'm not even gonna walk down that line with you because you know i've been in the hot seat uh on this one and uh i do i do deserve it i know know I shifted. Yeah. Don't. No. I think that how long

how long did we do the Tiana Trump? It had to be like 15 minutes. Yeah. Trump. It had to be like 15 minutes. Yeah. I don't

even think that if people like that, I think we're good. I think if people like this one, I think there's not anything we could do that's worse than this. That's terrible. I've unwrapped now three pieces of gum.

Each one realizing. Just chew it, dude. Chew the gum because I'm a professional. Yeah, just chew the fucking gum. I don't have bad breath or anything. I just brushed my teeth before we did this. Life is such a mess. I worked with a guy who

I was probably like 20 and I was doing stand-up a lot and he was a barback at this restaurant I was at. Anyway, he he's like, oh, what are you doing tonight? We're all going out or whatever. I was like, no, man, I got a show. He was like, oh, what are you doing tonight? Like, we're all going out or whatever.

And I was like, no, man, I got a show. And he was like, oh, man, you play rock and roll? And I'm like, no, I'm doing stand-up. And he, like, his face lit up. And he was like, I've always wanted to do stand-up comedy. He was like, I just never kind of had the guts, you know. He's like, you have fun doing that? And I was like, I guess never kind of had the guts, you know. He's like, you have fun doing that? I was like, I guess, you know, whatever.

And he was like, man, I got some jokes wrote down. Can I show them to you? And he said it like a son would say, can we go fishing to his estranged dad? It was so clear that if I told him no, he was going to go home and fucking hang himself. And so I was like, you know what, man? Fuck it. Yeah, I would love to. Normally I would have told him to fuck off, but dude, he had a look in his eyes. This is like before you put a dog down, just like, please, please don't.

Yeah. And so he was like, all right, man, we're kind of slaying right now, but I'm going to get my notebook. We're going to go for a smoke break, and you tell me what you think. And I'm like, fuck, what the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just do? So anyway, a couple hours go goodbye and uh him and i are closing and uh he was like let's go take that smoke break man i'm gonna show you and he takes out this piece of notebook paper from his wallet and it's like stained and smudged like i

don't know how long it's been in there dude it is not i thought he was going to show me like a new joke notebook you know some guys write their shit down and uh no this was clearly like very old and uh all i'm gonna say is that there were so many like slurs and like it was like a basically a rant against like it wasn't even funny like it wasn't even edgy funny or like kind of like on the it wasn't like dice clay fun it was like literally like i do not like people that aren't like me it was there was no punchline there was no like redeeming anything from it and then it went on for like a few minutes he was like you think i could i think like maybe if i like went to an open mic or something here in austin i think maybe like some people would – it's kind of edgy, you know.

Like, you ever see, like – you know who, like, George Carlin is? Like, I like him. And I was like, yeah, of course I know George Carlin. I was like, man, I think, though, you have to, like – because Austin's kind of, like, some places – I was trying to be – like, still trying to be nice. And I was like, some places are unforgiving, you know, stuff like that like that you gotta be careful and he was like I think I think maybe if I like by the way we're talking about a guy who's like in his early 40s like he's not like an 18 year

old dude who like you know like saw a Richard Pryor special or whatever and it's like yeah that's the stuff I'm an expert at this like I can definitely do like and maybe he could grow into somebody that's that type of funny this is a guy clearly i'm like the twilight probably of his life at 43 and uh and so i i was like man i just think you should probably like i was trying to be you know trying to be fair or whatever and i said you should just you know what man like just work on your delivery you know like blah blah i have to go by the way i'm like late for something and i just like closed out and went home and then the next day he was like hey man uh where'd you do your show at last night and i was like this comedy club in austin

called valvita room he was like oh oh i just signed up for their open mic and i was like oh okay like i don't and he was like everybody's coming man i've i told everybody at the restaurant man i'm really like dude i literally i was like what have i done dude what the have I went, I went and, uh, I've seen some rough things in my life, you know, like dad hits a turtle with the truck and like, you know, you, I've met, I've, this was, it, it was some, I've seen a lot of people bomb. I've bombed hard. This was something man I really because again it wasn't jokes it was like you ever go to the store and there's a brown guy in front of you and you're just like

man I fucking don't it's not even like there's not even like a commentary there's not a pun there's not just like man sometimes I get in my truck and I just think about killing people and you're like you know

so he just kept it all the same yeah no he didn't do anything like because it was clear that to him like i said the notepad looked old or whatever that like he's been sitting on this like contemplating and all he needed i guess was a push from a young man you know to, to like, to try it. And he was clearly embarrassed or whatever. And like the next day at work, he was kind of like, yeah, I think I'm not going to like, I think I'm old too old. I think I'm past that.

I don't, I don't think I, I mean, maybe I'll do it a couple more times. It was really sad. And. I mean, maybe I'll do it a couple more times. It was really sad. Oh, well. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's like a lot more common than I would like to think about. Oh, it's super common, yeah. Yeah. Well, man, super common, yeah. Yeah. Well, man, I'm glad you brought that up.

Just trying to think of other half-baked dreams that just never quite come to light. Isn't that something? Yeah, it's cool. Listen as Jake tries to convince Thomas to just give up. Anyway, I was thinking we should start doing a $10 a month premium where it's just we start

we talk for like five minutes and then just go to sleep and they can listen to us sleeping if they want I know it's just gonna be the weird guys

that do it but those are the guys who pay the most do a super premium episode yeah once a month where it's just us like in our jammy jams

like our jam was just like yeah no that's not a bad idea i think maybe we could do like nix the joke the joke uh one guy's paying for that so i can't i can't nix that by the way i don't know if you who's the guy paying for it i don't know his name i don't know i don't want to look at it because if i find out it's gonna make me upset because if it's a guy that's going to make me feel... You're the guy who's paying $50 a month. I appreciate you so much.

Yeah, straight up. I also want you to think about the other things you can do with $50. Yeah, $50 can buy you like a... You can buy an Xbox with that. You can buy a pair of new balances. You can buy a car. Yeah, you can buy... You can get a pair of new balances. You can buy a car. You could get a house for $50.

Okay, that's okay. 50 times 12. $600 a month. That's a stipend. All right, you know what? Anyway, I appreciate you, man. Don't even think about removing yourself from that. $600, I think.

That's $600 a month. Yeah, that's real. But yeah, we should do a $10 a month one. And it's you and me. We should do carpool karaoke in your truck through Weatherford through all the we should kill James Corden

how about if we hit 1k I'll drive over to that god forsaken island and I'll rip his heart out with my very hands. I'm going to get the wire they have

in the movies. Piano wire. Is it piano wire? Yeah. I always thought they just had wire laying around. I didn't know. Do they take it out of real pianos? That's what it's called

Like that's Well you I think the way You know If you're a mob boss You're about to get murdered Is Well you go over to your piano

And you just hit all the notes Yeah And one doesn't click If one doesn't click You're done for Yeah yeah I think that we should do Carpool karaoke

But with The Our The podcast Like episodes of it so we do like maybe people just speak along to it yeah we do at old old episodes and old stories and uh we'll have guests on we'll have tiana in the back or we could have you know Colin Kaepernick Tiana Trump oh yes the beautiful

young lady we could have Colin Kaepernick do it I'm pretty sure he would his calendars he's a returning guest yeah yeah

he's he's free he's what they call a free Asian what? he's a free call a free asian what he's a free asian on the market slow that down yeah i don't you know what's funny is i've noticed is that sometimes your laughs they're quieter than mine they don't get picked up so it sounds like i do something that's funny and then i'm the only one laughing at it and

then you say something funny and i'm still the only one laughing at it and like it sounds sometimes let me let me start it i'll start a fake one okay That would be a You should do laugh tracks for Hollywood Like for Young Sheldon or Big Bang Theory Or something E equals MC squared. And you're like, huh?

Yeah. He was. Oh, I know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got him. Mm hmm. I got it.

I got something for you, buddy. I got something for you buddy Dude that would rock If you just took like a A show that just kind of sucked across the board But you just Started talking over it Yeah I Oh yeah yeah I oh yeah I

I love this show it's I like I like what is this the Big Bang Theory how did I get in this how did I get in this uh how did i get this this i'm on i'm on uh matlock i'm getting the reruns i'm on uh uh mr andy griffith we got i'm on dick van dyke and i'm Oh, yeah. So, I'm fine.

It wasn't an impression of anything. I thought that would be funny if it was a laugh track noise, like a really solid. Yeah, yeah. Like a death rattle. You should make every cough sound like it might be your last. That's the way I always try and do it. Yeah. Yeah.

I had a buddy in high school who this thing he would do that made everybody laugh at the cafeteria table. He would clear his throat, but he would go like that really loud, but like much like the whole cafeteria would hear it. And I'd be like, Chad, why the fuck? Like, what are you doing that? He's like, like the whole cafeteria would hear it and i'd be like chad why the fuck like what are you doing that he's like oh because this doesn't work that's the only movies if you got something big you got to go and it really comes out and i was like all right like i'm not gonna do that he was like no it works and uh yeah story didn't go anywhere. It's not really important that we.

Well, that's fine. It happens at times. Yeah, or like 10 times an episode. You know, it's fine. Yeah. You want to do beatboxing again? We can bring that back. We should.

We have about 15 minutes until we're at an hour again. We should just beatbox for like 15 minutes straight. Yeah, OK. So we're 15 minutes from now yeah that's what I thought dude this felt like 10 minutes yeah I thought this was a really good one it was like I felt like I wasn't what if I just like arched my shit

you can't be doing that it's like it's a visual yeah you can't be doing that by the way i thought miss tiana you could teach me uh something how do you get your back like that because i i mean because i never i drive a big rig and uh sometimes i get lumbar pains and I get I get in my in my V7 vertebrae. That's what the doctor says. And I don't really know much about it. But I figure those little positions you do in your movies, by the way, I think I told you, I think you're a really talented actress. Those movies. Sorry, I'm very sick.

I don't have much longer, but i think it would be good for my for my spine if you could show me how to arch my shit up kind of like ma'am i would like to inquire as to what your favorite wu-tang clan album is do you know as for me it would have to be a classic enter the the 36 Chambers. You might know of it. You seem like you'd know something about the five pillars. Could you explain to me how you... Because, I mean, look, me, a guy like me, I never really understood.

I like kung fu movies. Do you like kung fu movies, Mr. Trump? Yeah. Anyway. Oh, man. You know, it's I'm just kind of always in awe that

people are like, hey, can you like fix the audio or like can you like make a can you like do stuff and i'm like dude i don't listen to like do you listen this is something that you like uh like you go you drive to work you hear this and you're like yeah this rocks i wish it was a little sharper and refined but as it is oh yeah dude people are like yeah dude i wish i could listen to this for like 13 hours straight yeah i mean i'll be like two minutes in and i'm like yeah i get the point i get the gist of it i've never listened to a full episode i only have to i only do it because i try to clean the audio up a little bit but uh it's mostly just like seconds milliseconds you know

like minutes or whatever whatever the fuck time is i just i want people to know up front we know what we're doing and we we hate it actively we don't we we don't enjoy the the final product that much we have a good time doing it yeah it's we're having a nice time we have a good time talking about deers that get eaten by house dogs and tiana trump and we have a good time talking about um working in a warehouse and we have a good time talking about money and and things like that And later on, we'll get to some of the prophecies that I'll declare about the ruinous decay of this worm-like land that we lay our feet upon. But for now, what we're going to try and do is we're going to try

and get some of the most beautiful, most talented actresses on the world here tell us so hello alexis texas i'm from texas and i miss miss dear maya bijou damn cajun as well ma'am and I would be interested in your appearance on this Cajun adjacent show. Look, it's just two simple Texas boys. And I ain't never – have you ever had a full moons over Miami? I thought maybe that I could treat you to a to a chili's uh to a two for 20 deal and and i know that you probably prefer the company of younger men but i'm a i'm a wise man

and and my bijou i know that's your real name i know you wouldn't lie about nothing like that i know that you that you're an honest woman yeah and once the once the podcast hits uh it's a thousand a month thousand dollars a month we're gonna dig up august aims like frankenstein and electricity through her and teach her how to moonwalk. Jesus Christ. We're going to do it. We promised to. Last time I checked, I think reanimation only costs like $9.

We're going to just do it like Frankenstein, a bunch of electricity. Yeah, yeah. You can see I'll show you Jake, the face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. You couldn't see what Thomas was doing a really cool and a masculine face. I'm over by the, you know, they got the big, the electricity thing the you know they got the big the electricity thing

the lever and it's got the overload thing and I'm just about to break the lever clean off yeah Jesus Christ I think we should do it I forgot that she was dead

You know what's fucked up I remember every night I was about to say I feel like if you die And your job before you died Was like Sex on camera That like you should have

Your job removed from the internet Not that it's a shameful position because I think that it's They were like tributes and stuff. Yeah, people were lips of an angel hinder, like see their songs to her, like her cum shots and stuff.

It's pretty It's like when you're whenever your friend's mom dies in high school or whatever. It's like that your friend's mom dies in high school or whatever. It's like that? Yeah, we all send the tributes and stuff. It's the exact same response, except just as a joke. I remember one of the big gags in junior high,

like one of the big what if hypotheticals was like what if your mom what if he went online and your mom was doing porn or whatever i know what i'd do i'm not saying it well can you give me a hint nope okay uh keeping it a secret yeah uh the prophecy episode is going to be really good. I think. It's going to be so good. I think that Thomas's prophecies are. Because I've only.

He only showed me one. It was in a fortune cookie. That he gave me. And it. It didn't a special voice when I revealed it. He did it in a Puerto Rican voice when he did it. And. And. It was pretty good.

It was pretty solid. It was a good prophecy. All right. Well, that's probably. That'll do it, folks. That'll do it. Make sure to, if you're listening to this on any of the free platforms, you're going to want to go to patreon.com slash

pandejo time and you're going to want to subscribe uh and and pay five a month because here's the thing this is only going to get much better uh we're we're we're learning uh and we're growing as as as broadcasters and as you the insight that you gain from the premium episodes is invaluable. Yeah. Actually, no, it's not invaluable. It's $5. The value of it is $5 a month. Yeah.

We're here to change your life. You're a loser. You suck. You're the worst yeah i'm gonna change you for so good and it's gonna you're gonna go back to your home village and they're gonna say this is the the one who you know walketh away from the fire and back to the harvest you know yeah i think it's just real talk. Yeah.

Neither of us have had like any tragedy or failure in our lives. It's just been smooth sailing. This is a winner's circle. Yeah. It's a circle of two. Okay. Look, if you want to find a way to make $600 a month split between two people, you're going to want to subscribe to the Patreon. Make it $605. Make it $ 600 and i think it's more than that i don't care i mean either hey how about this if you don't subscribe

i'm gonna kill myself i'll do it look tiana's gonna come on colin's gonna come on um and uh a lot of other cool people. So obviously those will be locked up. So you're going to want to subscribe. If we don't hit 1,000 a month before June, I'll kill myself. It's up to you. I've thrown everything into this. This is the only thing keeping me alive.

It's up to you. I've thrown two hours a week into this for two weeks. And that's pretty much it. I think it's easy. Show from two hours a week into this for two weeks and that's i think it's easy showing up twice a week at like 9 30 because we always push it back and just not preparing at all and just stumbling through this and just gliding and just gliding and and and and making jokes that suck and then and feeling bad about it, feeling so bad you think about going and driving your car after you've been drinking too much and just seeing what happens. Just seeing what happens.

All right. You know what? Please subscribe to the Patreon. I love you. All right. Love you too, man. We're talking to the listeners now.