Pendejo Time - Megan McClam

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

daughter of sea veteran John McClamSupport the Show.

Blast off. Blast off. You all right there, buddy? Mm-hmm. I'm doing awesome. I had another amazing day here in New York City. Mm-hmm. The city where I was born and the city that I love being in. the city where I was born and the city that I love being in. You made it to the second round of interviews for Sexiest Thug and Bed-Stuy. Is that true?

Right. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's funny. Everybody here thinks I'm a local now just because I've been here for a few weeks and I wear my I Heart New York shirt around. Yeah. But they'll come up to me like they've known me forever and they'll just embrace New York shirt around. Yeah. Buddy, they'll come up to me like they've known me forever

and they'll just embrace me as a brother. Yeah. They'll say, dude, I don't know where you've been all your life, but now you're home.

You know what I mean? Yeah. They say, we've been waiting for you, Thomas. Yeah. I think about you when they cook their meat

on the side of the road. I tried a pupusa today. I'd never had one of those before they're awesome you ever had one those are so goddamn good would you have like a sweet i have it was a just i had a cactus one and i had a mushroom one okay yeah gotta love them with a little bit of ground ground beef maybe some barbacoa but that's the shit did you eat like what uh i ate like half of it and i threw the rest away um yeah yeah i had a i had a really good thing today i threw it in the fucking trash on the way home because i don't like the people that make it but it tasted

pretty good you know yeah it was good just threw a lot of it, but it tasted pretty good, you know? Yeah, it was good. I just threw a lot of it away. You're just wasteful. Sometimes I like to go to a restaurant, I'll just take one bite, and I'll say, just take it away from me. I know you guys. This is amazing. One square cut out of it. This is really good.

I'm kind of like a wasteful guy. I kind of believe in wasting as much. Could you throw this away and bring me another one, please? Can you charge my card for maybe three or four more of these and then throw three of them in the trash and then just give me a bite

of the fourth one, please? I want to accelerate the end of the world, but not in a dramatic, theatrical way. I kind of just want to be very wasteful. I just love watching you make these. I love watching you make this pupusa in this burger. Now, if I was

naming a food, I probably wouldn't have it have pupu in a name. That's just me. Or pusa. That's a little too close. Pupusa. Pupusa. Yeah. I'd like to have a pupusa. Poopoo, sir. Yeah. Poopoo, sir. Yeah. Can I get the poo-poo, sir?

I'd like to have a poo-poo, sir. One poo-poo, sir. Spare a poo-poo, sir. What are your options for the poo-poo, sir? I'd like a nice big piece of poo-poo, sir. Maybe a little slimy. Two pupusas, please. Pupusas.

Two pupusas. Two large pieces of pupusa. In a bowl for me to eat. I like that they got tired of regular Latin food, and they're like, yeah, we're just going to do a fucking meat pancake. How about that? Meat and cheese pancake. I think it's like a...

Like what is a tamale? Like I know what it is, but like... This is a stupid piece of crap. You're on like... It's a dumb thing with corn and shit in it. So the people bite into it thinking it's corn and it's actually something else. That's a good idea. You're on like MasterChef where all the home chefs go and, you know, fucking compete. Gordon Ramsay's like, today you're going to be making one of my favorite dishes from South America.

The delicious tamale. Your ingredients are going to be corn husk, paste, meat, and spices if you'll choose. Yeah, that looks like a big piece of fucking poop to me, Gordon. That looks like a big piece of fucking crap. What is that designed to trick guys who want a big piece of corn on the cob? And they go and they grab the husk and instead there's other shit, bullshit in there, stupid stuff. It's like a fucking coagulated.

Oh, what if there was a meat eclair? Yeah, that's what I want. Yeah, a corn husk covered meat croissant. That sounds fucking awesome That seems like an awesome thing For a Fucking dumbass to eat Not me

I eat fucking spaghettios dude Delicious ass fucking canned Tomato red And then fucking yellow pasta We had a When I moved in With all my roommates Like my first,

I guess like apartment, um, one of them brought a pallet of SpaghettiOs, dude, or like several of them. They were all in the back of his, uh, Volkswagen.

And, uh, he like walked him up the stairs and he would walk up one of them. Uh, and I'd be like, Oh, that was a lot of SpaghettiOs. He's like,

yeah, this is like, this is like what I'm eating on right now. Oh, okay. And then he went downstairs and he got like four more pallets. It was like 90 cans of SpaghettiOs. I was like, where'd you get all that?

He was like, oh, just got it from the store. And I was like, okay, that's really fucking weird, but whatever. And anyway, he like, every meal he had spaghettios he was like a really miserly guy uh you've had it before uh he would spend a fuck ton of money on alcohol we'd go out to drink but he only ever ate the spaghettios and uh he was always sick but i just chalked it up to like all of us drinking too much and like you know just being fucking degenerates or whatever and uh we lived in that apartment dude for like a year year and a

half because we lived there through the summer and uh he probably ate like I don't know over well over 100 cans of spaghettios and one day I had like got out of groceries I was pretty dead broke so I was like oh I'm gonna I guess I'll help myself to one of these uh and had like got out of groceries and I was pretty dead broke. So I was like, oh, I'm going to I guess I'll help myself to one of these. And I like got the can. I looked under it. They had all expired like four years ago. It's just been eating. This is Frank.

He had this he had this thing where he would just like eat expired food because he was like really cheap. But he just would like, yeah, we'll go to the bar. We're going to a ball. Fuck it or whatever. You know, we'll go spend. We'll go fucking black out on like a 150 bar tab but dude every meal like he would do this before he would have a job interview and he'd be like i gotta eat breakfast it'd be like seven in the morning he would just eat three cold cans of spaghetti for like no goddamn reason other than and i'd be like dude go get groceries dude it's just tortillas get some

shredded cheese some ground beef it's like beef. It's like $10. He's like, no, I'm trying to save money right now. And I'm like, do you have diarrhea every day? You have to go to the doctor because you've been having stomach problems because you're eating rotten dog food. And he's like, yeah, but that's how grinders do it. That's sick, man. Congratulations.

And now he's got a dope-ass house and a bunch of money, so maybe I'm the fucking moron. But it's funny as shit to be moving all your stuff your stuff into an apartment to me and it's like college guy stuff it's like the pulp fiction poster and it's like you know the poster of all the ladies on the pool with their butt cracks out and they have all the pink floyd albums and stuff and then you bring you know your ps4 and uh yeah you bring your big screen tv and you're like oh nice this guy seems cool and then he just brings up five pallets of chef point rt fucking spaghettios and then only eats that every day and then he ends up being a millionaire like the longer that you know him or whatever

maybe all the entrepreneur guys are right on instagram you know what i mean maybe they're all like they're on to something. Yeah, that's fucked up. That's one of the saddest stories you've ever told. How is it sad? He's got a lot of money. He's fucking disgusting. Come on, dude. I was eating, for a while I was only eating pudding cups and the Jimmy Dean breakfast sausages.

Yeah, yeah, of course. For a while. And I wasn't feeling too good. I mean, dude, honestly. I was only drinking Keystone. Was that when you were at UTA? Yeah. That's awesome.

Dude, my skin had such an odd quality to it what was odd about it was it it was like it was like grayish like it wasn't pale anymore it was like it's it was like if i like rubbed up against a tree or something it felt like it might like just slough off like like like like chewing gum you know what i mean sort of stick to it and then like kind of rip off of me yeah but well i i remember i got really sick and it was hard to walk for a little while uh you know i was 19 you i i that's very believable to me because when we started doing the show, you had just turned 21 and you were working. I think you were doing Lance or maybe, no, I think you'd switch to doing the tree work. And we were talking about doing the, we were just talking about working the labor jobs.

And I was like, yeah, man, like I got to have something in my stomach. I've gone to work on empty stomach before and I always get sick you're like yeah I had a big bag of peach rings and two rains uh white gum bear rains this morning and now I'm up in a tree I remember thinking like okay everybody has bad mornings you know you wake up late your alarm doesn't go off you forgot to set it or your phone died or whatever and then like we would do the episode we do the show two times a week and i check in with you on thursday and you're like yeah yeah i'm just not feeling too hot i got up in this tree i just felt like i was gonna pass out but uh i had my i ate my lunch early you know so maybe i just need to eat

more like what'd you have and you'd be like, oh, it's like some gummy worms and some coffee from the gas station and 10 cigarettes. It's like, dude, like you can't either. You're an alcoholic labor guy or you're like, you got to eat all day. And you were like, no, I was just candy, candy and cigarettes and fucking 800 milligrams of caffeine. And then I'm just going to climb this big ass tree. Well, I loved gas station. I loved those Esco bars at the time. You remember those?

Yes, dude. Yeah, those are awesome. Yeah, I was. I would spend so much money on Esco bars. And I remember I looked and I was spending like $100 a week on my work gas station meals oh like your yeah your i would spend twenty dollars every morning on my combined breakfast and lunch combo thing where it would be like i'd get a bag of those uh powdered hostess donuts i'd get the family bag of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'd get a Clif Bar for protein. Mm-hmm.

And then I would get, like, a rain, and then I would get, like, a Gatorade or something. Mm-hmm. No, I'd get a rain, and I'd get a soda. I'd get a mid-morning soda to have later. Like an 8.30 a.m. Dr. Pepper? No, like a 10.30 soda that's like a half meal. Sure.

And then usually some sort of treat like a candy. Okay. Like a delicious candy. Yeah, yeah, delicious. Sometimes I would just have an energy drink and two bags of candy. And those were bad days. Those were always really bad days. Yeah. Because then I would have an Adderall too oh yeah i forgot and so then i would just i was on like a really high

functioning meth addict diet just without meth well you you were doing this thing you'd tell me like uh i feel like we'd have the same conversation a lot where I would be like, hey, man, like, I just like not feeling it. I was up in a tree at work. I was going to shit my pants. And I'd be like, oh, like, what do you have to eat? And you'd be like, yeah, like three, like two bags of Hostess Donuts, like maybe like a bag of octopus rings, like a gummy bear rain and nine cigarettes and and an adderall i'm like dude you're like yeah but it's fine it's you know you get your work done or whatever the fuck but those were all sometimes i feel like those days were also the days where you'd send me a picture of

you just your hand meat or whatever you're just like yeah it was unrelated you know it's just there's no correlation there um diet doesn't really affect anything in your life other than how things taste yeah for example when you eat things that taste good and they're delicious it can create a a yumminess in your life that's amazing right right that's the thing the doctors say yeah one of those uh like a nutritionist that works in my gym um she gets paid by all the fighters to like make their their uh lunches for them and uh i remember talking to her one time about like what is like the kind of like just a standard issue like solid diet for a professional

fighter you know just in case i thought about being ufc champion one day and she was telling me that um really high caliber, world-class fighters love to have a delicious glass of lemonade and then a delectable slice of pizza. And then really at the end of it, a scrumptious piece of decadent chocolate brownie. That sounds delightful. I would probably, if I was going to go into a major fight, which I probably will soon,

I'll probably fight a UFC fighter for money probably soon. Because of my, I mean, because of our fame and stature, I imagine they'll be calling our name soon. I would probably prepare with maybe a delectable fruit punch. Mm-hmm. As well as a scrumptious bag of Oreos and also a magnificent burger. Yeah. And I would probably also have amazing French fries with delicious pickles on it, on the burgers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I would also have an inquisitive pudding. Oh, like a pudding that makes you think. Yes. Think about how good it is. Oh, okay. And you decide it's amazing

after some thought. Mm-hmm. And I would probably also have fantastic cheese. Awesome. Yeah, you can't go there. On the burger. Yeah.

And probably Mighty Mayo. And probably mini mustard. Just a little bit. Mini mustard. Yeah, I mean. And probably fantastic root beer with that. When we were in. Root beer and fruit punch.

When we were in New York, I was having so much fun going to different places with you and getting food and having a finger-licking piece of lamb. And when we would go, you'd look at me in my eyes and you'd go, Jacob, Jacob, let's go have just like an exquisite lunch together. And I would say, oh, my God, I've been thinking about this all day. And you're like, I know because I understand you and we understand each other and we're friends. And so we would go into just a place that didn't look like it was worth a darn. You know what I mean?

It just wasn't worth anything. And then I would have just the most breathtaking piece of pie and then i would have just an absolutely mind-boggling um cut of steak and then to top it off i would have a mouth-watering piece of fruit yeah i would go in there and say can i have a sweet and creamy slice of um chilled cheesecake um with a deable crust, with a fantastic crumble on the crust? And could I have some very fruitful blueberries on it? And perhaps some fantastic cheesiness in the cheesecake that causes a sweet delight.

Yeah. And could I also have the most luxurious cup of espresso your establishment offers? I'd like that rich and dark and smooth. Can I get... I remember we were at this bodega. Just a classic New York bodega just a New York thing to do and I remember um the guy was like what can I get you what can I get you handsome brother and just you know that's how that's just kind of got my whole day going you know and I said

what I would really really like is just a tantalizing um sandwich and um i want the sandwich to be a taste sensation and he knew immediately it's just only as new york bodega guys know he knew immediately what to make me and he made me the most effervescent um sort of like tingling sandwich that i've ever had. Yeah. When some people order theirs the Aki way, I order mine the awesome way. I say, can I have a fantastic chopped up cheese? And

could you make it the amazing way? And if you could do that, I'd be grateful. I'd be in your debt. I'd show... Could you show me strength in your restaurant through what you make me?

Could you show me the... kind of the... vigilance in your spirit in the way that you make this piece of this piece of cheese on my sandwich, please. Could you show me the way that you've persevered in your life through making me a delicious Long Island iced tea? I'd love to be served something powerful. I would love to be served something earth-shattering. Because otherwise, this is a waste of my fucking time.

because otherwise this is a waste of my fucking time. I'd love to have a sandwich that conveys altruism, if you could. Yeah. Something that opens me up. I like to walk into a place where people are making food, cooking, and working really hard and saying, if you do not give me a decadent slice of delicious, creamy cheesecake that is rich in both flavor and presentation, then what the fuck are we even doing here?

And everybody stops what they're doing to make me that, you know what I mean? I think people like being challenged, especially in a food space. You go on, you know, you go on these, you look at these,

uh, food shows, shows about, there's a guy, they got shows about eating amazing food and preparing it nowadays. On the Food Network, if you've ever seen that. Yeah. I like to call it the Delicious Network.

Yeah. I like to call it the Food Plate Worth. Plate Work. Why would you like to call it? Because they're making the food plate. They're making and they're working on it. Oh, okay. Yeah, interesting.

Very intelligent. Or the hair net work because they have to wear a hair net when they work in restaurants sometimes. Or the fishing net work. Yeah, they do prepare fish sometimes. I don't know why they don't call it the fishing hair net work. Yeah, I don't know. That would be way cooler. Yeah, it would be way cooler yeah it'd be way cooler and oh food yeah i've heard of food call it the fishing network and then i'll know it's about eating espn isn't the sports network you know what i mean it's

everything it's sports players network you know what i mean so you could yeah you can name the food network something more interesting something with a little bit more pizzazz. Panache. Something with a little bit more goo goo. Instead you just go boring with it. What about the delicious hamburger and tasty french fries network? You know what I mean? How about the fantastic

restaurant that knocks your socks off network of televisions? Yeah. What about a piece of key lime pie that makes you weep because of its rich and creamy texture network? Or if we're going to go simple, keep it simple. How about the TV network?

Because that's what it's got on there. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Different stuff for TV. What about the camera show where you use a camera to make the TV go? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But instead of the Cartoon Network, it's just the Show Network. Because that's what it's got shows on there.

Dude, Cartoon Network used to have so many awesome, amazing shows on there. Yeah, they did. And now I feel weird even showing it to kids you were telling me about your favorite show um fitzy the leopard and they only did one season and no one ever really knows about it but you'd love to show it to all your nieces and nephews yeah i like fitzy the leopard because it's about it's actually it actually means something. It's about Fitzy and she's a type of leopard.

And she has to learn how to use her claws to maim and kill animals. Yeah, it's kind of one of those adult cartoons, you know. You have to be smart to get it. Yeah. It wasn't until probably my late 30s that I started understanding fitzy the leopard

and that's when it started kicking in that's when the laugh started rolling in because before i used to just hate watch it by myself yeah i'd say fitzy you silly goose yeah silly leopard i mean and i wouldn't say that i watched it i would say oh i spotted. And that was just sort of a joke I had with cashiers. I'd go to Kroger and I'd say, have you watched Lizzie the Leopard? And they'd say, no, what's that? And I'd say, I didn't watch it. I spotted it. Because she's a leopard.

Yeah, yeah. And then as a bit, they would act like they hadn't even heard of it and they didn't even know what was going on. Yeah, as a joke. But I would, yeah, I don't even know if that's a show. I have kids. I've never seen that on there. And I'd say, good one. I'll see you tomorrow at noon again.

As a joke, they would force you out of the restaurant by security. Because you'd go, oh, have you seen fitzy the leopard and they would go i every day with you every goddamn day with you i do that i told you every day i go to mcdonald's and i order the fantastic clams and i ask about lizzie the leopard and they never make my clams ever can i get they refuse me service every day because of the TV shows I like to watch. It's honestly discrimination. It's like Disney adult discrimination. I need the...

I need the... the... the McClam. I heard they're bringing back the McClam. It's a... It's a... clam with a shell included and it's on a bun with cheese.

And, uh... some kind of fucking sauce or something. on a bun with cheese and some kind of fucking sauce or something. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. I know I missed the honcho meal and I missed the Megastallium, but I was wondering if I could get a McLam. It's the Pindeo time meal. Thomas told me about it.

I know everybody knows who Thomas and Jake is, first of all, so don't act fucking surprised but basically a mcclam is you're gonna take two normal pieces of bread and you're gonna put the clam in there with the shell and all just a piece of american cheese and then just some sort of uh i don't know the ingredients but thomas texted me the ingredient what it just says some sort of fucked up sauce so i that's the kind of i i miss them i miss the honcho and I miss the Rick and Morty sauce and I miss the Megan's butt meal. But I do want the Pandeo Time McClain, please.

Well, honey, I have to tell you we don't have it anymore because we got rid of all the clams because they kept scurrying, they kept running around. We couldn't control them because they can run so fast. I've been to every McDonald's between here and

fucking Tulsa okay and I listened to the show Pandeo Time it was a massively popular radio program okay and you did the honcho hamburger you did Megan Thee Stallion's booty cheek sandwich you did fucking Rick and Morty's

Chinese sauce I know you have the McLam. Everybody says, oh, we're out of the Clam. We don't have any more fantastic Clams. But I don't fucking think you understand what I'm saying. I know that you have it. You know that you have it. So just make me a McLam.

It's pretty simple. Yeah, and it's named after John McLam. Yeah. He ran for president president he was very important and he he got beat out by one of your employees yeah he was beat and now you're at your coming and acting like you've never even heard of john mcclam he fought in the sea wars of 1946 yeah Yeah, he fought in the ocean offensive. His submarine got tanked, and he fell all the way to the surface. He shot all of his missiles into the fucking Bikini Atoll,

and he shot all of his machine guns at all the penguins and puffins. He was stationed in the Great Barrier Reef. Yeah, he had to live with dolphins for 10 years just to get the opportunity to become a fucking Navy leopard. And his family is actually responsible for several species of sea urchins going extinct because his big fat ass daughter ate them all. Yeah, his daughter daughter Megan McClam. Yeah, his fucking god damn his whale of a fucking

big ass beast. Yeah, John McClam, he got injured in the Great Sea War and then he couldn't lift his fins over his head. Yeah, and now every time somebody He sort of had to doggy paddle. Yeah, he had to backstroke just with his feet, though. Yeah.

Now his daughter goes on fish television and cries every time anybody brings up her dad's fins. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sort of embarrassing. Yeah, it's just blobfish representation. But, you know, it's still funny. You know, she's still beautiful, and that's all that carries her, is her beauty. Yeah, it carries her along the ocean's currents, El Nino, El Pino.

Yeah. And a lot of, actually, fish communities are able to survive in um you know um periods of of hunger due to her uh her her giant corpulent body in the ocean just sort of there's parts of it they can eat and she doesn't even feel it yeah she yeah that's the cool thing about having excess blubber reserves is people can just sort of feast on your body like a big, big, big, big, big, big piece of ham. People are actually, scientists are trying to figure out what she hasn't eaten yet in the ocean. Right, yeah, I remember seeing that. It's a blue whale's only predator.

Yeah. So if a blue whale is cruel, what does a Megan McClam eat? What? If a blue whale eats shrimp and krill, what does Megan McClam eat? Like, what is her... She eats whales. And anglerfish and stuff. She's actually able to dive deeper than any other sea animal just by sitting there.

Just gravity pulls her in. Right, okay. And the pressure is such. She also is known to eat lava and, well, I guess magma, because if she's going down there to it. Yeah, probably. If she's below the surface, it's magma. Magma McClam.

That's what they call her what do you think yeah how do you like them how do you like them how do you like them muscles for them crab apples it's under the ocean since it's under the fucking sea that's where they grow yeah i fucking I fucking love that. Crab apples. They're called that because crabs eat them. Crabs make them. Yeah, so every time a crab molts, it produces one crab apple. Yeah, they're like pearls of the sea. Yeah.

That's what I call it. Crab apples are like the pearls of the sea. Yeah, I love when you say stuff like that. It's so poetic. Yeah. Yeah, it makes everybody really proud of you. Everybody, when we're hanging out, people will sometimes nudge me with their elbow nudge me with their elbow like this and they'll whisper and they'll whisper and they'll go when is thomas gonna give

us another piece of poetic wisdom i just say you have to wait for him you have to wait for thomas he's not like a machine that you can just press a button and poetic wisdom comes out you know you're right the ghost visits you and the ghost tells you what to say the ghost makes you have the wisdom that makes sense yeah yeah what do you think's your greatest contribution to the world of wisdom to the world of wisdom yeah what's your greatest sort of like you know um i think that's still yet to come. Okay. I think I'm going to think of something really amazing someday.

And it's going to lead a lot of people to death and a lot of people to life. Yeah. I think I'm really going to ruin a lot of people's lives. And I'm going to make a lot of them way better. And I think my wrath is going to destroy a lot of the sea and a lot of the sky but the land will be okay yeah yeah yeah so so here's i'm gonna get my big ass wrath and start rubbing on people oh sorry man i've just uh i've just been pulling on my wrath a little too much lately but uh yeah i've just been. I've just been getting my tyranny out,

and I've been fucking showing it to all the people at the village. It's like that old A$AP Rocky song, please don't touch my wrath. Bitch, don't kill my tyranny. Yeah, that's the thing. If I was a despot or a tyrant it must have been really cool to like be born and like to a bunch of money back then and you just maybe you're not a king but you're some sort of like you know important landed gentry or like a nobleman

and if i have a bad day now you know what i mean like i just can go to the gym maybe or like uh maybe i can like have a piece of brownie or something but back then dude if you have a bad day now, you know what I mean? Like, I just can go to the gym maybe or, like, maybe I can, like, have a piece of brownie or something. But back then, dude, if you had a bad day, you could just fucking kill, like, a whole bunch of people who didn't know how to read. I mean, people still do that now, but it's, like, about, like. Yeah, it's just called joining the army. No, I mean, people still do it now, but it's, like, people gussy it up now. It's, like, about freedom and homeland security or, like security or like or even like oil or resource wars or whatever. But back then it was simple.

The people that lived under you were like worms. You're like, I have had such a foul day. I have dysentery from eating old meat. We haven't invented the refrigerator yet because we're stupid. I'm going to go into this stupid. I'm going to go into this village and I'm going to have sex with all the goats

and then I'm going to kill everybody. Like, that was kind of... You could just do that type of... I don't think anybody was fucking any of the animals, but if you want to... It's kind of crazy

worms, like, have not gotten anywhere technology-wise. Yeah, they haven't even been involved at all. In the last hundred years, like, we've been... We got iPhone, cars,

all this stuff, worms. Man, they have not done shit in the last hundred years. Like we've been we got iPhone cars, all this stuff, worms. Man, they have not done shit. I don't even have the worm phone. They. Well, not yet. I'm working on a little something. It's a phone you can put in your mouth and it comes out of your ass later. Oh, OK. OK. As dirt.

But what makes it the worm phone then? Because you can digest it in the dirt. Oh, as dirt. But what makes it the worm phone then? Because you can digest it in the dirt. Oh, okay. Okay, gotcha. You're like a worm. Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. Can you cut it in half and then it becomes two phones? Nope. You can just put it in your mouth or you can put it in your butt and it comes out of your mouth as dirt too. Oh, that's nice. And so what? Yeah. But how are you marketing that to like your average american you know like what is the utility how usually when you put your phone in your mouth it stops working yeah and you swallow it and you have to go to the doctor yeah of course yeah what if you could swallow your phone and then

pass it like nothing ever happened and it created amazing dirt i mean yeah i know i can see how that actually them tired of giving your kids regular food what if you give them phones and they would be fine are you what'd you pack for lunch today i got two three ipod shuffles is your that's what millennials are going to be feeding Soon we'll all be eating emails And text messages And apps Can I get a decadent app please

With a side of fantastic phone Yeah nobody has ever said that Thomas Right now when people ask if you want any apps In a restaurant they mean appetizers Soon they're going to mean stuff like Gmail and Slack. And 8-Ball, Game Pigeon, stuff like that. Crazy and wacky ass motherfucking shit like that for crazy motherfuckers who live on the fucking side of the world.

Yeah. What do you got there? Sorry, I'm texting back somebody real quick, but I need to do it. That's okay. I'm sorry. Is it a boyfriend of yours that you're trying to see? No, it's not my boyfriend.

He only sends me messages to my butt. Oh, how does he do that? You got one of those little vibrating things you put in your pooper, and then the guy presses the button, and it makes it go zzzz, and you fucking splooge all over the library? My man is my man,

and as you're man, her, that's her man too You like that song? I've been listening to it Yeah I love it I've been listening to a lot of Sizzle lately Sizzle? Yeah

Yeah I've been listening to Paper Oh my gosh I guess you win Bada bada bing Bada bing bada boom, baby. Sizzle sizzle, razzle dazzle. Motherfucking clams. Big ass worms.

Oh, you been listening to SZA? What, you got something on your frying pan? Yeah, forget about it. Forget about it. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to kill you. Hey, I'm making fucking boiled pizza. Yeah.

I'm making fucking come to your house and I'm going to kill you. Hey, I'm making fucking boiled pizza. Yeah. I'm making fucking deep fried tomatoes. Sauce. Making a big ass stromboli the size of a fucking Toyota Celica. Anyway. Man, I've been drinking a bunch of these fucking hop waters. Tastes really awesome. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That sounds so amazing. I wish I had one of those right now. Yeah. Not. Fucking God damn it, dude. You're so fucking mean.

You're probably mean like a fucking little scoundrel. You know what I mean? Like you're like a badger. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like a badger. Yeah. You show up, people go, oh, the badger's here. Yeah, that's what they call me. Honey badger don't give no fucks. Honey badger drinks went, goddammit, dude. I fucking can't stand.

Elon's moving the Twitter headquarters to Austin, and then he's moving all of his other stuff. Yeah. Looks like somebody. All six of his H-1B employees he has left. All of his fucking. He's like, don't you guys want to move? And they're like, oh, okay.

Yeah, they're all. How many people does he have left working there? Maybe a couple. I'm sure he's got like a decent, probably a couple hundred or so. Yeah. I mean, it hasn't, to his credit, in there maybe a couple i'm sure he's got like a decent probably a couple hundred yeah i mean it hasn't to his credit it hasn't actually like fucking remember when he first bought it and everybody was like it's literally gonna stop working like soon yeah and then it's it works fine now it's just uh you just get a mess a direct message every 10 minutes.

It's like, hello, my sister was browsing your profile and noticed that she wanted to match with you on X.com, the everything app. And you just have to ignore that stuff. Yeah. And then sometimes you'll post about like a friend dying and you just get a picture of a woman's pussy in the reply. That does sort of mess with the user interface a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

Also, they did the private, the close friends list, and then they just made all those tweets public. Yeah. So that was awesome. Yeah. I mean, for me, it was fine because I didn't really kind of saw that one coming a little bit. But also, I didn't have anything.

I'm a grown man. I didn't have anything super scandalous. I wasn't just posting pictures of my wiener on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is sort of mundane stuff. Well, I think, like, it kind of has become, like, I don't know. It's not as bad as 8chan or whatever, obviously. But, yeah, like, you'll see, like, a video of, like, war footage. like i don't it's not as bad as 8chan or whatever obviously but

yeah like you'll see like a video of like war footage and then under it will be you know um click my sexy profile a picture of a woman's butthole or it'll be dude the ai generated porn bots are really bizarre because you're like oh it's another porn bot and then you look at it and it's like it's not even a picture of a real woman's butt cheeks. It's clearly made through ChatGPT or whatever, and you're like, oh, okay, well, you can't even... Yeah, like Midjourney or whatever. Yeah, Midjourney, yeah, yeah.

It's like, damn, that's not even... I can't even get a picture of a real woman's pussy on the fucking GoFundMe for my dead dad. You know what I mean? I mean, god damn it, it if you're gonna let the porn bots rule the site you could at the very least get a real picture of a woman's butthole on here and not just a robot the hallucinations of a machine of a woman's butt and pussy zone but that's the fucking way she crumbles i like that he fucking uh got that He bought this place And And so all of the accounts called like

HitlerRaper129994999J2 Can have like the check mark or whatever And they can just post like protocols of elders of Zion stuff But if you say that he like sucks Or like somebody that he like sucks He'll just like shadow ban your account Honestly dude if i ran the website i'd probably do the same thing i wouldn't do what he's doing because i'm not like a south african fat fucking retarded loser uh but i if i ran the show i would just ban all the people i don't like

and shadow the people i don't like and then i would just boost people i think are cool on his opinions i like pretty simple you know what i mean i just don't like it then i would just boost people i think are cool and his opinions i like pretty simple you know what i mean i just don't like it because i would take free speech really carefully and i would try and boost anybody close to lex friedman i would make the biggest twitter accounts all the um all the uh stuff that would be like, uh, would y'all consider this a date? And it would be just like some fast food in a car, but like overlooking like a scenic view and then stuff like, um,

Oh no. Y'all, y'all like high school was rough. Mm. Or, um, like back shots here and it's just like a park yeah i i like the it'll be like an article about the or a video about the idea for something that's just went insanely viral and

then under it it's just all of the it's the bot farming accounts posting all of the viral youtube videos from like 2009 yeah like the squirrel that's wakeboarding or like the lady that falls down mashing the grapes with her feet or just like, you know what I'm talking about? Like all of the videos you've seen a thousand. It's like America's funniest videos. But just under like a kid who he encountered, he encountered a dog and something happened. Yeah.

All caps. Yeah. It's it's everything is now fight planet violence world daily rap and then um awesome videos and you'll see there will be a clown world it's like the stupidest stuff like fucking yeah uh man gets fucked by weird octopus and it's just under like the most tragic fucking video you've ever seen in your life honestly though i think like that's kind of the natural conclusion of the internet i don't mean that the internet's ending i mean that like people joke about brain

rot like it's like a gen z thing where it's like there's no the humor it's like a an evolved like youtube poop thing where there's not not really a humor thing anymore. It's just kind of like input and output. You know what I mean? There's no punchline. Funny videos and memes are like a picture of Squidward driving a Caterpillar forklift, and there's a watermelon on one of the forks,

and then he is on a USSR propaganda and then and then the caption will be like when you forget to get your keys and that's the funniest fucking thing anyone's ever seen and it doesn't mean anything it doesn't have to mean anything but that's just like that's what i'm saying is just like inputs inputs inputs content content content it doesn't matter if something means anything anymore it's just just like, nice. Yeah. If I owned it, I would post a selfie of me biting my lip every 10 minutes. And I'd say, y'all FW with me? Y'all fucking with me?

And every time you checked your email address that was associated with the account, you would have over 100 messages directly from me saying, do you love me? Are you fucking with me? Are you rocking with me right now? Have you ever seen a guy like me? I might go to the grocery store later. Hashtag holla. Have you ever seen

a white boy come back from defeat? I got something on my pants. Hashtag mustard. Y'all fucking with me? Y'all in love with me? Y'all ever found love before? Any of y'all married? Are y'all rocking with my snake?

Y'all fucking with my jerky? Y'all like to eat my turkey gobble? Do you like to eat my chicken? Y'all messing with my mango? Y'all having fun with my turkey gobble? Do you like the way my chicken? Y'all messing with my mango? Y'all having fun with my hand dog? Anybody touching on me? Anybody sucking on my fucking little dinky? Who's still up and they touching it a little bit?

Who up just playing with the tip at the end of it in the hole? Not me. Nah, nah. Not me. Any of y'all crazy? Any of y'all freaky? What the hell? Elon Musk.

Any of y'all sexually freaky and feeling a little explorative tonight? Any of y'all pregnant? Any of y'all have open butts? Any of y'all have wet ass? Who got a butt? Who got a butt on this website? I ain't seen one on here uh i love it when a fucking post goes viral and is the real only fans accounts like the like the post will say something like damn uh had a really awkward interaction uh you know a guy just a guy's

dog just kept licking my cheek when I was at his place. Crazy, right? And for whatever reason, it'll do numbers. And then the replies will have the real OnlyFans girls, and it's just they twist. They find a way to have the caption of their ass pic kind of what OP said. You know what I mean? It'll be like, damn, just had a really great sandwich,

and it was a wonderful piece of cheese. And then it had a nice piece of cheese and and then it had a nice slice of of pie on it too and then the caption will say i've got a slice of pie and then it's just a picture of pussy and you're like okay i think those are fake too you think so yeah i think so okay maybe they're like i think some of them are like i have a theory that even the girls who aren't ai generated, I think some of them are, I think some of it is scammers who are stealing girls as content. Yeah.

I've heard about that. Yeah. And then making, I mean, I haven't really looked into it cause I don't want to just scroll through a bunch of like pictures, Twitter only fans and stuff. But I have a feeling some of it is like they basically steal the girls like

whole portfolio or whatever. And then they have the Twitter marketing to where they can just get people to. Okay. But I don't know if that's true. I mean, I'm sure, I'm sure there are real ones, but whenever I just see like the ones a guy will be like yeah so 10th anniversary missing you every day and then it's a girl with

her butt cheeks spread and it's like I went on a date with him and I'm like I don't think you did and I don't think this is a real thing because that doesn't that doesn't sound like it doesn't make me want to click on your profile it makes me want to block you you know what i mean yeah um i don't know if it's real or

not but i follow a couple guys who uh who claim that they make like the one like their side hustles are um like scamming old boomers like old like old men on Facebook with like AI generated like nudes and they like sex them there's one dude in particular he's like a he's fucking like a how would I say this like one of those like not poodle hair almost look like Matt Ox he's on Instagram I can't think of his user handle right now but anyway his thing is like he pretends to be like a teenage girl. And then he just kind of like blackmail. He doesn't go and beat anybody up.

He just like, yo, I'll send you a picture of my feet. I'm 17. And then he's just Snapchats grown men all day. And he just like gets AI generated porno and sends it to them. Here's my question for you. If you're getting like a rack a day from that, is it? getting like a rack a day from that is it contextually speaking is it's gay to pretend to be a girl to sex a man but if you're getting paid to do it and it's morally maybe neutral because the guy might be like a jailbait type dude or just weird or cheating on his wife does

the money and the morals like i guess the moral act outweigh how gay it is to be like yeah i'm sucking on it right now you know what i mean like you're sexting with a guy and you're getting paid and you're just a dude and you're sending ai generated titties uh pussy and butt cheek uh i don't think it would be a matter of gayness for me i think it would be a matter of gayness for me. I think it would be a matter of pretending to be a little girl. Would be just sort of not a place where I want to have my brain. No, no. Even like to get money. You know what I mean?

I think that's where I'd be. I'd say, you know, I kind of just don't want my brain to have like that where I can just lock in and impersonate a teenage girl. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Fine, fine, fine. I guess. Yes, you're right. I'm just fine.

Okay. And a legal. It wouldn't be like, oh, is it gay to be a fake teenage girl? It would be. Is it evil? be like if people found out about this like no i like that's almost as weird as like the guys who go after right yeah i kind of see what you mean you're like oh man how do i pay rent this month maybe i could just pretend to be a little girl you know i mean like that doesn't that's never occurred to me ever right it's not a moral thing. It's just I've never.

My brain doesn't even go there. No. No, I mean, I get it. Okay, fine. The pedophilic aspect of it is certainly not awesome. But this guy, he flashes some serious fucking jewelry. So I'm saying that it's not good. serious fucking jewelry so i'm saying that it's not good but what if it would pretending to be a legal girl like 19 and getting uh money and stuff and using ai pornography to trick old lonely men

or married men and but you have to sometimes like you have to sometimes uh sexually text them so you have to be like yeah i'm rubbing my nipples right now but you're sending them like ai generated pictures of you pinching of somebody pinching of a woman's breast see what i'm saying it's it's not gay yeah no i think and i think the scamming aspect also, you know what I mean? It negates some of the gayness? Or does it? No, it would add to the, like, I don't want to scam old guys out of their money. Why not?

I mean. I don't know. I mean, okay. You're setting yourself on a path where, you know, you think you're ahead of the curve the whole time. A guy could just show up and shoot you. Very true. You still like $8,000 from a guy. Maybe he can't figure it out,

but he'll find somebody who can. Okay. Okay. Sometimes other times they might be too embarrassed depending on what the circumstances are, but I don't want to be like, man, I hope I don't go to jail for fraud or something

you know what i mean right um i'm just now realizing that your whole point about not wanting to pretend to be a little girl um it never occurred to me really or any of the people in the comments of one of the accounts that i saw because everybody was like yeah dude get those fucking pedos and everybody was like yeah get his ass like fucking take him for all they're worth and then like sometimes he would scroll through like his snapchat and it would show all these names and it would be like oh so beautiful princess or whatever i'm stupid i like i have like a movie brain i was like dude he's really sticking it to this guys it never even occurred to me that for any of this to work, this could all be fake for clout by the way, but for this to work, a

critical crux of this whole operation, whether it be for money or whatever, is you have to pretend to be a little girl. It's not... Imagine you're at a party and people ask what you

do for money. I'm already ashamed enough to say that I'm attempting to be a professional comedian. If I said, hey, right now I'm working on tricking a bunch of old guys into thinking that I'm going to suck their dick because I'm a little girl. I mean, come on. That's pretty bad. Yeah. No, that's not. I just can't.

You know, there's some places where I go, go you know there's people making money off this and i'm not gonna be one yeah you know i just i gotta i've made mistakes in my life but i've never made a mistake like that you know what i mean for sure yeah imagine dude 40 years down the road somebody can be like your mid-argument online somebody's like remember whenever your main source of income was pretending to be a 15-year-old girl online? And stealing retirement accounts? Even if it's like an overage or of right yeah yeah um you thing is still because and if it's the overage thing it's even in some ways worse to be doing the scamming because it's like you know what i mean that maybe they didn't even aren't even doing anything morally wrong right no i mean like the thing about the guy that i there was a count i saw was that he was

well one of them the part of it was the blackmail so he was like from one phone he would be like i'm a girl i'm a little girl and here and whatever and again this all might be again i'm starting to think maybe this isn't real maybe that's just my wishful thinking but he would like use that as blackmail to blackmail these guys out of money one guy he would just get ai porn be like send nudes and then would get like you know like the guy like um the really stupid old guys are like i'll take care of you princess well he would do that and then just with ai generated stuff and then we just keep the money or whatever but i guess to some degree yeah you're right or to every degree because it's like at least on to catch a predator those guys went to jail you know what i mean and then even the

guys who beat the bro try to beat up the pedophiles after they like detect somebody hit somebody up on snapchat or whatever it's like okay you're just gonna get your ass kicked in front of a jiffy lube which sucks it's a bad place to get beat up it's a bad place to be outed as a pedophile

any place is bad to be outed as a pedophile but you they're not great there's not a whole lot of good options really Israel would be a good one maybe like

maybe like an abandoned mall yeah wouldn't be too bad if it was like in the parking lot yeah let me plug my laptop in real quick yeah do your thing do your thing and mall. Wouldn't be too bad if it was in the parking lot. Let me plug my laptop in real quick.

I'll be right back. I remember when I was a kid, we had a neighbor and he knew the owners. He was a super old man. He was in his late 80s.

He knew the owners of the house that owned the house before my grandma bought it way way way way back in the day and he would bring over a plate of cookies uh every day over the fence and he would let me eat them um i later found out that man was a pedophile um but that's that's neither here nor there it looks like thomas is back i I thought maybe the cookies were just because he thought I was in The Cool Kid, you know, but whatever. Yeah, there are not a lot of great places to be out of as a pedophile, but I guess what I'm saying is at least there's some sort of, like, Hammurabic, you know, code of whatever the fuck thing happening

where, like, all right, you get to see the guy get his just desserts or a bunch of, like, guys who used to work at the vape store and then started a YouTube channel where they beat up pedophiles. you get to see the guy get his just desserts or a bunch of like guys who used to work at the vape store and then started a YouTube channel where they beat up people. They get to beat him up. But if you're just taking their money, it's like, are you you're definitely better than a pedophile. Sure.

But not by much. You know what I mean? Like. It's still not great. Yeah. Yeah. Not ideal. You know, when you look at different ways to make money, there's actually a lot of them.

You know, and there's so many where you just have a trade you learn or something you learn in college or just working at a restaurant or, you know, just. I used to write papers for money. That was Chad GPT really fucked that up. If you're listening to this and you used to do that, I'm sorry, man. That was such a fucking... That's how I got through college was doing that shit. And now Chat GPT just does it at the push of a button or whatever the fuck. But way better than pretending to be...

Yeah, I wouldn't... I think... Did you ever watch To Catch Predator? I watched clips from it. I didn't watch it when it was on TV. Yeah, it was like one of our favorite things to watch at the house when I was growing up. And my dad, he always would do. He would pause when they would do the correspondence between like the pedophile and the decoy and it would show them, you know, it would show the messages or whatever.

Yeah. He would pause it on his little, he would like tape it or whatever the fuck and he'd pause it. And then he would do like voices for it. Almost like mystery science theater or whatever the fuck, but from like a conversation between a pedophile and a child. for almost like mystery science theater whatever the fuck but from like a conversation with a pedophile and child and there was one dude to this day i can hear it crystal clear um it was this uh it's like indian dude who uh like showed up ass naked with like like some uh zima or some seagrass or something anyway the correspondence he uh the decoy is like, anyway, my dad pauses and he goes, oh, I'm home alone and my parents are gone. And then the Indian guy's name was like, you know, something, something, a bunch of numbers.

And the message said, do you have condom? Condom was spelled C-O-U-N-D-O-M. My dad would go, do you have condom? Yeah. D-O-M My dad would go Do you have condom? Yeah And then And then he would And then he'd go And then the girl just said

Um no And then the next message said I must go shopping And my dad would just like Sit up really straight and go I must go shopping Like really fucking Like and my mom

My mom was always Super invested in these shows Cause it's like the drama and the intrigue. And you just ruin it every time for David. You can't. He was like, what? These guys are fucking pieces of shit or whatever. And I'm like, true.

But also maybe this is kind of a serious show. It kind of takes away the gravitas and all the justice. it takes away the gravitas and all the justice if you're like you shouldn't be acting out voice acting out like a conversation between a 52 year old indian guy and a 12 year old girl it's probably not great but i thought it was fucking hilarious do you have a fake 12 year old yeah to be fair dude uh i always thought again it's funny, but when the dudes would come in really hot to the house, and the decoys, she's like standing in the kitchen or whatever, and they would just make a beeline for her, and she would go, oh, I just got to go. She would just like go in the back room, and then out comes out Chris.

Listen, I would never want to put myself in the shoes of a predator of children. But that feeling's got to be crazy, dude. You know what I mean? Like, that's got to be a crazy, like. What a rush. Yeah. Maybe you're in the chat room, you know, and you've got a feeling. You're like, this isn't.

I need to get help. You know, maybe you're isn't i need to get help you know maybe you're like i need to get help or maybe you're like i don't something feels off but you're just you're fucking you're a sick fuck so you're like no i'm gonna drive to this house that's really close to a film studio it's like in rancho cucamonga i don't know you know whatever and you're wearing um tidy, you're wearing nothing but tidy whiteys and some high top Converse and a fucking bowler hat. Because you're like, god damn it, I can't wait

to have sex. And you get out of your fucking Ford Fiesta, you walk in the door, and there you see her. Your wife. Your 13-year-old new wife that you met on the computer, and you go, oh my god, it was real! I'm not gonna to go to jail. It's not a sting.

All right, this will be the last time. This is the last time. You know what I mean? And you go, ah! And you run at her because you're a fucking depraved piece of shit. And then out comes Chris Hansen. Man, that's got to be. That's got to be like taking a liver shot from a professional boxer.

You know what I mean? Just all the air. Yeah. Some of them have riz, though. Some of them walk in all smooth, and they probably smell good. Yeah. You think Chris ever has second thoughts,

or he's like, honestly, this guy's kind of fucking cool. He just tells the girl to get back out here. Hey, listen. Is that... Is that aqua tissue? Okay. Oh, you've brought... Is that Is that aqua de gira? Okay Oh you've brought Is that

It's a Margarita pizza It actually looks really good And you said you were gonna take You said you were gonna watch a movie What were you gonna watch? Oh that's actually a really nice pic That's

Yeah that's that That A24 movie That's Kind of cool You said you've got a A home theater At home like, like with the seats and everything? Sir, I'm going to need to follow you back to your home and see if that's true. And maybe if so, we could watch a movie before we kiss.

Before I have police tackle you. Is that a third gen IROC? Oh, my God. Hey, come on. Come out of out of here look i know we were supposed to i'm not gonna lie to you dude we were gonna fucking arrest you this is you're on the show you you know everybody knows the show there's like eight um sheriff's deputies outside they were gonna beat the shit out of you and throw you in jail and you're what if probably gonna get raped a bunch and stabbed like a whole lot.

But you're a cool ass dude. So I think maybe we can just scrap this episode. I can tell the cops to fuck off. Just, you know. Sir, would you mind banging me before you proceed? Yep. You're going to have to suck on me and bang me. Why don't you have a seat for me? Why don't you, um...

Yeah, why don't you have a seat for me, and then I'm gonna sit on your penis. Sir, would you mind taking your pants off and sucking on my wiener? Sir? Sir, would you mind playing with my nipples while you ate my ass? Sir, would...

Would you mind hitting it from the back, sir? What are you doing here? You see this piece of paper here? Look familiar? You mind putting this piece of paper in my butt and balls? You were having a conversation with somebody you believe to be 14 years old, is that correct? No, no. No, absolutely not.

Well, let's take a look. I've actually got it right here. He just pulls out a really nice printed picture of his spread-open asshole. Just take a look at this. What do you think about this? Your text to the decoys said that you were huge and veiny and thick,

and you could last a super long time. Is this true? You have to tell me. I'm a super long time. Is that true? You have to tell me. I'm a law enforcement officer. I'm a news anchor. I'm a judge. You're in court right now. Yeah, you better not lie to me. Lying makes me fucking horny.

I'm going to take you into the bedroom and if that's not true, you're going to jail. But if it is, you're going to be in there a long time. Sir, could you make me come hands-free, sir? We don't have a... To smash a predator. To smash a predator. Okay, so you have two options.

And I'm going to be honest, both of them are pretty tough. Your first is we let you go, but you don't get to go free. The cops tackle you outside, they you don't get to go free. The cops tackle you outside. They tase you and beat you up. And then you go to maximum security prison, and you're marked as a pedophile, and you're probably raped and stabbed a lot. Or you can come and bend me over like a pretzel and fuck my butt a bunch until I come. And then you just get to go free.

What about the decoy? Don't worry about that. This is just a deal that's on the table. Sound good? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Okay, I guess I'll have to show you my thick penis. My name's Petey the Pedophile.

Hey, kids. Welcome to Nickelodeon. They made a show for PSA for children, and it's all about how to be aware of people like me. Here's my sidekick, Morty the Molester. Hey, Morty. Hey.

I hate this life. I like grown-ups better. I don't know why I do this. Maybe just to fit in. A child predator with ennui. It's just like, ah, everything's so complicated.

I wish I could be. I just do it to hang out with Petey. I don't even like this stuff. Mort's just a little shy, but once you get to know him, which you don't want to, you're gonna be... I like movies, and I like

painting. I like a... And you like kids, don't you, Mort? No, I like quilting. My grandmother taught me how. The asexual child predator. He's just not really into it for the, you know.

I don't think we have an ad read this week, do we? They'd probably call me the style predator because I got swag. Style predator. Yeah, they'd probably call me the sexual styler predator because I fucking got a lot of... Yeah, we don't have an ad read, and also it would be a bad time to do one

because we just did an hour pretending to be pedophiles. That's okay. I got to go have a fight. I got to leave here pretty soon. All right. If you're listening to this, thanks for listening to a free episode. You can get paid episodes at patreon.com slash pendejotime.

For $1, you get access to the Discord. It's cool guys in there. We have a dope-ass time. For $5, you get access to the bonus episodes. We've got a whole backlog of those, and we get a new one every goddamn Tuesday. $10 a month gets you access to a video episode. We just posted a free one. The premium will be up this week.

Editing those files and getting everything color corrected to make it look sexual. To make Thomas, Thomas is the face of the show. We've got to make him look handsome. Got to get those cheekbones popping. Got to get those booty bones rocking. Got to get those balls shiny. Got to get that dick thick. Got to get that belly protruding.

Got to get those nipples pink. Got to get that back arched. Got to get that butt huge. For $50 a month, you can have sex with Thomas. Alright, that's the end of the show. Goodbye.