Pendejo Time - mr motivation

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

if you don't have a thick one get off my sales team Support the Show.

Yeah. I'm fucking amped. How about that? You got a problem with that? You got a problem with my high energy, my motivation levels? What if I'm killing it every day and I'm setting new goals for myself? I'm demolishing everything in my path. I go to Panera Bread.

I get to skip the line because I'm fucking motivated. I got goals. I got places to be. I got people to see. I got bagels to eat. I got 10 cinnamon raisin bagels waiting for me at Panera Bread, and they're going to just let me eat them because that's how I close my deals. How about that?

Mr. Motivation, I have a question. What? How am I supposed to sell all my solar panels? You see, he's weak. That's why he's weak. Right now, look, and I mean this, you're a great kid. Look, I want to say this. He's a great kid.

I'm 35 years old. He's a great 35-year-old kid. He's up here. He wants to provide for his family. that your wife was, uh, had cancer and the only cure was for you to get eight bagels

from Panera Bread and eat them in front of me in five minutes, could you do it? I mean, I, uh, I feel like I... You'd eat ten. You'd eat ten just to save your wife from pussy cancer. Sir, I, uh,. Sir, I feel like, you know, I saw this seminar on TikTok,

and I thought it would teach me how to be a more confident man in my work meetings and a better salesman, but I don't quite understand what eating bagels and my wife dying of cancer has to do with being a better father and a better businessman and a better salesman. Look, are you a father? Yeah. Are you married or anything?

Yeah, I have a wife. What do you sell? I sell solar panels, and on the side I sell supplements for men who want to get in great shape. This kid is great. I love this kid. And he's weak, but that's why he's here we're all here to get strong and great but if i told this guy that his wife was going to get that i had his wife tied up in the trunk of my tesla model y and it was in self-driving mode and I had it going clean off the side of the Brooklyn

Bridge in three hours and I told him that he needed to sell $250,000 worth of solar panels in three hours or his pregnant wife and his how many kids do you have? Seven Seven kids Soon to be eight She's pregnant He doesn't know yet It's a secret She's been waiting to tell him They're going clean Off the side of a fucking bridge

And I'm gonna be standing there laughing at him If he doesn't sell If he doesn't move 250k In solar panels in three hours Now could you move $250,000 in solar panels in three hours. Now, could you move $250,000 in solar panels in three hours? Well, I remember from your YouTube video where it said, step one, men don't do things unless they have to.

And that really made me think that if my wife was going to die of drowning and all my kids were to die drowning, and I guess my kid I don't know about was going to drown, then maybe I could sell a quarter million dollars of solar panels in three hours. But only if you believe in me. Not only could you do it, you could do it in four hours if you had to. Because your mindset would be right. When I was your age, how old are you?

I'm 35. When I was 35, I was already making $35,000 a year. And that, for me, that was low. For me, now that's low. I was making $35,000 a year, and I had the top two abs. I had just the top two, and then I had pretty solid triceps. I could jump rope for 30 minutes

when I was your age. Yeah. 30 minutes. I would jump rope in the middle of the meetings and they'd say, why the fuck do you jump rope?

Or do you psycho? And I'd say, fuck you. Fuck you and your pig wife, you fat fucking cunt of a bitch. And I'd fucking slap his fucking teeth

out of his mouth. And I'd fuck him in the face right in front of everybody. And I'd fucking take his skin off. And I'd kill people in meetings. Because you don't kill me. I kill you in meetings. If you want to take your fat fuck wife to work. And you want to not make your sales.

And you're going to get killed tonight. And if you can't make. Imagine. If Bill Gates – if somebody told him that if he didn't make a computer in two years that somebody was going to suck on his nipples. A big Chinese guy was going to suckle him. If he didn't make a computer in two years, he wouldn't make it in two years. He could make it in three because he would know that the Chinese guy would be suckling on him if he didn't, and he would be one step ahead. Thank you, Mr. Motivation.

I feel really motivated right now. And honestly, I'm so glad I paid $7,000 to come to your motivating motherfucking killer seminar at this Hollywood Inn. Yes. And remember, guys, if you signed up for the killer-ass psycho marine course in the Big Lots parking lot, that is tomorrow. In the Big Lots parking lot, that is tomorrow. So do not come to me after class today and ask why it wasn't in the Big Lots parking lot today. I was doing deals. I was doing deals. The Marines will be here tomorrow. The Marines will be here tomorrow.

Today, I was at Big Lots shopping. I have a big house. I need a lot of furniture. You guys pay for all of my shit. You guys give me an incredible life. Incredible life. I have a hot wife.

I've got six amazing classic cars. I've got an elevator in my house. I know all of you guys live in studio apartments. You think about killing yourself all day and you're making like $10 plus like a bogus commission scale at your job and you really fucking hate yourself and you get tricked by guys like me to

give me all your money but here's the thing being tricked is how you become the trickster ain't that right thomas what if i told you that steve jobs never made a computer no No, he did not. What if I told you that he made an answer to the question? Where's my computer? Where's my computer? Somebody said, my life is awesome, but I wish I had an awesome computer right now. And he saw that as not as a bad thing,

but as a good thing. He said, I'm going to be the first guy to make a computer that is the Apple brand. Without him, people would still be wondering, why can't I get an Apple brand computer? I want a MacBook Air. No, but everybody was asking, can I get a MacBook Pro? Where's the

iMac? And he thought, you know what? I'm not going to sit on my fucking fat white ass and complain that I don't have an iMac. I'm going to build the first iMac computer. Listen, all you out there, I see a lot of good souls out there.

I see a lot of good men, a lot of strong men. If you're in college right now and you're thinking about studying something responsible, you know, what I need you to do is I need you to drop the fuck out

because Steve Jobs dropped out. Bill Gates dropped out. Elon Musk dropped out. You know, Jack from Twitter dropped out. Okay, if you have a good job right now, like if you're like a journeyman electrician and you're working your way up,

if you're in a union, I need you to throw that shit in the trash and I need you to start buying rug pull coins stat. I have a couple. You can get my business card on the way out. It's got a QR code where I'll withdraw all of your savings and I'll let you buy my poop balls coin. It's going to go straight to the moon um uh the rapist bass player from that uh new wave band uh on twitter he just uh he promoted it so it's going right now it's worth two cents but it'll be worth four and then it'll be worth 10 you know i remember when i was a kid the first time i tried to turn on my computer. It had no operating system. And I called my friend Bill Gates and I said, what if there was a computer that could do something?

And he said, you know what? You just might be right. I'm going to invent the first operating system. And so he did it. In the mid-2000 2000s the first windows 95 was born and it wouldn't have happened without me and it wouldn't have happened if i wasn't a genius but i don't like to dwell on that i call bill sometimes and we'll laugh we'll be uh drinking a a big tall glass of rosé together, a very expensive type of wine. A $14 bottle of classic barefoot rosé. Delicious rosé.

And sometimes he will even break out the Moscato. And William will tell me, he'll say, Thomas, if you called me tomorrow, this will be me talking to him. I'll say, William, if you called me tomorrow and you said, I need the Thomas iComputer right now or your aunt is going to relapse. is going to relapse. I would say, you know what? I'm getting, I'm going to Best Buy right now and I'm getting all the parts for a computer and I'm making the Thomas brand computer. And it wouldn't be a problem.

And I would move, Jake, Jake, listen. I would move 100 million of them on the first day. Right. I know that sounds crazy. But you know how? Each one would cost one dollar it's called the one dollar thomas computer special for one day they're all one dollar and then anybody who doesn't fucking have one looks so stupid they look so dumb for not having the best computer in the

world for one dollar and they're asking where in the goddamn same fuckity hill can I get mine? And the answer is, oh, sorry, chump bitch. They're all $10 million now. And every motherfucker that didn't get one is going to be lining up at the door to not look silly as hell. And then we'll make,

if each one is $10 million, we'll make probably at least $20 million off that. Second day. First day, we lose probably over half a trillion dollars. Second day, we make at least some of that back. Everybody on my team has to have six-pack abs and a huge, thick penis. I tell my team every time we go to sell computers, I say, if you pull your shirt up right now, if you don't have pristine fucking washboard six-pack abs, you're off my team.

Now, luckily for everybody, they pull their shirts up and they've been hitting the gym. They've been taking their sups. They've been doing their sit-ups. And then the room gets hot. I see people's eyes start to widen because they know. They good and goddamn well know what question's coming next.

Pull those Spider-Man underoos down and let's see that toad. And if it's not thick and got a big vein running from the top of your pelvic bone to the tip of your penis, you're off my sales team. Guess how many people passed that test, Thomas?

How many? Out of a sales team of 48 know guess how many people passed that test thomas how many out of us out of a sales team of 48 000 men five you know that's okay i actually had to fire my teenage son the other day for what for why he told me he wasn't having wet dreams anymore and i told him i said the day you stop having wet dreams is the day you stop fucking working for me. Because if you're not dreaming about money, you're not dreaming about pussy, you're not going to be coming in your sleep. And you're going to be coming to work all horned up. Me?

Distracted. Me? I come in my sleep every night. You know why? Because I got shit to do I'm not Interested in anything My wife has to offer me Nothing

Nothing I don't wanna have sex With my secretary I wear a diaper to bed And I come in my pants You know why Cause I think about Big loads of money

In my mouth While I sleep Coins Big loads Yes Big loads yes big checks the big checks they bring out on wheel of fortune uh-huh in my sounding into my urethra because i don't care about pussy i care about money and when I take off my low diaper every morning, I don't have jizz stuck to my stomach. I have money. Money stuck to my stomach.

Yeah. I take my low diaper off just like everybody, and I put on my shit diaper. And then I headed to work. Hey, guys. Welcome to Pandejo time. Welcome to Pandejo time. Welcome.

Welcome to the show. I've been wanting to... that whole thing is me i was watching a lot of that guy's videos the bald guy he wears like the the small shirts yeah yeah i like that he's awesome and uh every time i smoke gas station weed i end up like believing in that guy dude Dude, yeah. I watch his videos for like an hour. I'm smoking weed I got at a phone repair shop, and I'm like... Honestly, he makes some points. He's got...

He's like, my addiction? The jam. I'm like, dude, honestly, me too. Yeah. And he's like, if you don't have a six-pack, I'm not buying a fucking car from you. I'm like, honestly, I would love to buy a car from a guy with a six-pack. That'd be kind of cool someday. Yeah, I have similar thought processes where, like, I'll be really high,

and one of those guys will come up on, like, the feet or whatever, and they'll be saying, like, what are you doing right now? I'm like, I have my hand on my nuts nuts and i'm eating fucking vicky's hot chips hey listen you got fucking goals you want to meet and you're fucking doing nothing you're fucking retard and i'm like yeah i could probably make some clips for the show or reach out to venues like he's talking to me hey listen, listen. You want to be successful? Yeah. You hate working a fucking gay job? Yeah. What are you doing right now?

But it's only ever when I'm high that I'm like, oh, you know. I was looking up NBA stats from 2011. I don't even like basketball that much. I'm just kind of bored, I guess. Yeah. I was doing that at work today. I was trying to get signals so I could look at Draymond Green's all-time assist stats. I don't know.

I was wondering where he lied. I was wondering, well, honestly, because he's getting close to retirement age, he's got like four rings or whatever. I was wondering, because I haven't watched him play in a while. I know he's like a good defensive player and stuff. He's sort of a... Anyway, I wanted to see where he was on all-time leaderboards

because I like to look at that stuff. The only thing he's top 100 in is I think assists. Correct me if I'm wrong, but... I wouldn't know a fucking thing. Everything else he's like 300th on. You know, it's crazy how little anybody gives a fuck about assist numbers, really. I wish I liked that. But John Stockton is like, I think he's the top guy by like 3,000 assists or whatever, which is crazy.

I think I have like a screwed up algorithm on my social media pages, especially, like, Instagram and YouTube and stuff, because the only basketball stuff I get will be, like, a guy named White Thunder who was best friends with all the black. You know what I'm talking about? Like, every generation of, like, basketball has, like, a white guy who was, like, the coolest wigger in the world. Dude, this is an incredible generation we have right now

of white basketball players. Yeah. We've got that Chet Holmgren guy that, what's his name? Josh Giddey, unfortunately, was a pedophile. Yeah, that's not good. But thankfully, the NBA decided to not do anything about it, so he still plays. That's good.

They said, you know what? We thought about looking into it, and thankfully we did not. It's crazy how the cancel me too thing really dug at the entertainment industry across the board. But athletes got just none of it. Ben Roethlisberger,

everybody was like, that guy is evil. got like just none of it. Ben Roethlisberger. Everybody was like, that guy is evil. E-V-I-L. Bad. And the NFL was like, damn. Damn. Oh, that ain't. Ah, shit.

You want to? Nah, we can't like not have him run ball and play ball. And then was like all right well i guess we'll move on to like some washed up 80s singers oh yeah that guy's a rapist i'm not saying that we that it's bad that that happens people i'm saying like athletes oh also hair metal guys have you ever read like the w for Steven Tyler or Jimmy Page? Yeah. It's not even like in the way that certain guys now get got that are like, ah, he was texting a girl a picture of his penis, and she was 18, and he was 40. It's not that.

It's like Steven Tyler allegedly kept a 13-year-old girl in his apartment for several months. And you're like, okay, why didn't anybody reach out to anybody about that? And you're like, and then people, like, inevitably be like, oh, it's different times. Yeah. You know? Like, there's this guy in the NBA named Miles Bridges who plays for the Charlotte Hornets. And he, like, beat the fuck out of his girlfriend in front of his kids.

And he got suspended 30 games. Came back. Star again. Averages, like, 21 points a game or whatever. Dude, like, Jon Jones. Like... Yeah. Like, with Miles Bridges, it was funny

because, like, he wasn't, like, a superstar. Like, he's one of those guys where it's like... Okay, yeah. Like like he's not a Hall of Famer, I don't think, or anything. He was just like a first-round pick. So it's like, well, we're Charlotte. So we're going to go ahead and have him back on if that's all right. Yeah. But John Jones, yeah, that's like, well, I mean, LeBron James could pretty much kill everybody. He could rape his coach on the court, and they would be like,

can you believe that the coach forced himself onto LeBron James in front of everybody? That was very unfair. That was not great, yeah. LeBron does have a lot of haters, but it would be boring if he didn't. You know what I mean? I mean, that's one thing I like about basketball is, like, there's so many people who are very opinionated and also don't really watch games or check anything out.

It's just sort of like whichever players they think are, like, really sexy and stuff, which I think is true of many sports. Yes, 100 100 i was about to say is that like shy gil just alexander guy or whatever who's just like i don't know if you've seen pictures of him he's like he's like the hottest basketball player of all time he is absurdly he looks like a model and there's a running joke where they'll do like highlight reels of him on TikTok. It's just him like getting ready to take a shot. Like it doesn't really show him like playing basketball at all.

It'll be like him like subbing in or something. And it just shows his like, it's just like luscious hair and everything. And it'll have, yeah, it'll have, yeah, they literally will do like fan cams of him. And it'll have like R&B music playing over it. Jesus Christ. They'll be like, his aura. I love that shit. It's funny when, like, in any... If you're so good at what you do that you can, like,

Pac-Man Jones, John jones or you know ben ross if you're so good you can kill people you can shoot guns at them you can assault women and like everybody in the world not everybody but like 70 especially ufc fans like diehard football fans they're like especially UFC fans, diehard football fans, they're like, man, you know, I got an uncle that did that stuff. And, you know, wait, he's not too bad. You know what I mean? I mean, he don't want to be doing all that.

People, one of my favorite things to argue about is, I'm like, oh, Jon Jones is a piece of shit. If he wasn't the best fighter in the world, then he would have just not, you know, they would have cut him. Yeah, I think the bar is so low with UFC because it's like. It's a new sport-ish. Well, it's like you take all the averages and you're like, oh, this guy only had one domestic abuse charge. That's like not that bad.

You know, and it's like, well, UFC, like, I feel like if you're a really good athlete, you know, you have a decent chance of being at least okay at UFC. Not UFC in particular, but like in a fighting sport or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like that Greg Smith or whatever guy tried it or whatever. A few others. Maybe not Smith or something. Well, I guess.

But I feel like. I feel. Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I feel like if you end up in UFC or whatever, it's like the way your life has gone typically tends to be a hard route in a lot of cases. For sure. With the exception of there's some guys who have just always loved martial arts and that's just been their thing. But a lot of these guys are like the there's some, like, guys who have just always loved martial arts, and that's just been their thing.

But, like, a lot of these guys are, like, fucking, like, the Diaz brothers, all those guys. There's really hard, impoverished lives. Yeah. So, I mean, there is that, too. But, like, it's not like that isn't the case in, like, the NFL, you know, MLB. I guess I'm, like, the popularity. I mean, it is a popularity contest. But, like, take guys, like, in, like, UFC, like, Leon's not the, I mean, it is a popular contest, but like take guys like in like UFC, like Leon Edwards, like the current welterweight

champion or whatever. He had to win like nine times in a row, eight times in a row to get a title shot. Bilal Muhammad, same thing. People hate him cause he's boring or whatever. But like guys will go on these crazy win streaks. And if they're not like company men, if they lose like once or twice like they get cut but if you're like a guy like john jones or a guy you know like you know you bring the fucking hammer every show then you're just allowed to like let the glock bark in the middle of the

fucking street or like yeah that video there was like the the george floyd protests in new mexico and he was just like stalking the streets of albuquerque like trying to foot sweep people like they were like like i like i can't imagine going to do what you believe to be like your duty as a citizen to fight back against an oppressive government and you look to the left of you and john jones is just like trying to ko protesters with like a blue lives matter shirt on which of course like he's one of those athlete guys that's just a huge sack of shit but at the end of the day he's like all glory to god you know god god's dug me out of deep holes you know deep holes where i crashed my car into like a pregnant lady and i say

all this stuff you know and i will watch every john jones fight like i will i will tune the fuck in because he's good at what he does but But I guess my point is that type of shit doesn't really fly for other industries, I feel. I don't know. I mean, they nailed Weinstein's ass to the wall. But I feel like with Jon Jones, he's almost grandfathered in a way, generationally. Yeah, I see what you mean. Like nowadays nowadays his name would probably be like john phones yeah on phones what do you think of that one yeah i'm i'm my new favorite fighter in the ufc is on phones uh just because he, he'd be on it all the time. You know what I mean? Um,

what about, um, let's see, uh, Connor McTexture. Do you like that? Khabib, uh, it's the hardest,

but, uh, yeah. Okay. I'll let you work with it. I'll let you, come on. I'll let it simmer for a bit.

Um, my feed, uh, Khabib, nerd of Minecraft. I'll let you work with it. I'll let you... Come on, I'll let it simmer for a bit. My feed? Habib, nerd of Minecraft. Okay. Okay. He's nerdy and he loves Minecraft. How about that? How do you like that one, Jake?

That's fine. Yeah, that's okay. That's okay. I keep charging my phone. How about that? That's actually way better. I keep charging my phone. I can't roll the K too well.

Yeah, that's okay. I either nail it or I sound really racist accidentally. Yeah. I keep. It's hard to come off the I. I keep. Yeah. George St. Pierre.

Let's see. Dior. Games Playing Fair. How about that? Fortnite, Snapchat. Fuck it. George St. Pierre, yeah. Fortnite, Snapchat.

Let's go. Yeah. I think about downloading Snapchat again and just messaging people. Yeah. Just a 30-year-old man messaging. I still have Snapchat. I just use it to talk to my coworkers and friends from high school. I deleted it a while back.

Partly because like. I never really used it. Like I never. It was like. Yeah, it wasn't like a thing. It was big when I was in college. Like obviously like everybody like that was like the primary form of communication. People be like, oh, can I get your snap?

And I'm like, I don't have that on my phone. And I think I missed out on like a lot of like maybe cool drug deals um and parties and things because of that so i got it when i was like 22 but at that point it's like no one really uses it anymore you know what i mean um yeah i to me i'm it doesn't really who cares you know i mean i like looking at my phone so the more stuff that's on there the more i can look at it really that's what it comes down to i like i've always i try to like do this thing especially i brought some edibles back from colorado and i'll get really stoned i'll try to think of like what the next next app is gonna be like the next big one you know because like when twitter was the thing instagram was like it was fine but twitter reigned supreme for a long time and i remember like people were like oh you know i wonder what the next social media is going to be

and i was like oh it'll probably be like something like twitter or whatever and i could not have foreseen it would be like live leak plus pornography plus like you know um mind conf i should have because that's practically the internet like in totality but uh now i'm like all right what's next like what's after tiktok like what is the next is it going to be like a neural link thing like you close your eyes and you can watch a life that you could have led had you made certain decisions differently that would be sick you know like you could that app that you could go into your brain and show you like had you not ever done pills or had you not yelled at your mom like you maybe you could have been a doctor or something or had your your dad maybe not left. I think people would spend a lot of time in those places, digitally speaking.

Yeah, or like an app that gave you a blowjob. That is the premium version of my app, is LifeLiver, L-I-F-L-I-V-E-R, with an umlaut above the I. Mine is called the Suck and Blow You app. Exactly. It packs your fucking cock and it tells you that it looks normal. And then you look down and you're getting your cock sucked on the app and you have a six pack also.

Yeah, damn, dude. You're thinking money. I'm thinking like, I'm thinking big world experiences. Like, I'm thinking like a lot of people live in with shame and regret, and a lot of people get stuck in nostalgia. It's an app where this girl is playing with your butt or whatever, and it's not even gay or anything. Nobody even knows.

It's just me and you are in a pitch room for Duraline Cook with Elon, and I'm in a fucking full custom Taylor Hugo Boss suit. I got my hair slicked back. I got cufflinks on, and I'm like, what do people want more than anything, Elon? They want to live a life. They want to live life over. They want to fix their mistakes.

So many people are stuck in these endless loops of shame and what ifs. Well, what if you could change it and live it and live in those moments and do the right thing? It's called LifeLiver. And you can sell advertisements to the Neuralink while people existed in the worlds where they made their worst mistakes. And they treated people with terrible unkindness. This is interesting. Interesting. Looking into it. Thomas, you're so so this one is called the the cocksucker

cocksucker gas sniffer thing where basically you can get your dig blown and it feels awesome and there's also a type of gasoline in the app that you can sniff and you can still read after but still feels awesome and also um you can can smoke cigarettes any building you go in, and it doesn't make the room smell bad, and then your grandma doesn't get mad at you for ashing your cigarette on her mom's couch, her dead mom's couch. And I see...

And also, it takes all the shoes off of women's feet, visually. Interesting. So there's the sexual aspect. The sexual aspect, which of course sells. There's no sexual aspect. It just sucks and blows you. Purely physical. There's the sexual aspect, which isn't sexual.

I love this. I love the spin here. So you can do it at work and it's just physical. And then what I really like about your app is that you are pushing the boundaries of what people think is freedom. Smoking cigarettes inside.

The liberals took this from your country. Now your app, Jacob, I kind of understand why people would want to relive old mistakes, but I'm really interested in the cigarette smoking anywhere, suck and blow me gasoline cigarette app. It also lets you eat rotten food and you don't get sick.

You can eat rotten meat or you can eat roadkill carcasses and you don't get sick. So an app that lets you be a sexual deviant and an itinerant abuser and possibly just sort of a bad person with no repercussions. Interesting. How do you circumvent, you know, legal, legally speaking, how do you circumvent local and state law? How does the app overcome, you know, basic... There's a big X in the corner where you can click on it and then it's over. It's all over if you click it. And it has a...

There's a capsule in there. It's where after you exit out of the game it just fucking kills you. Interesting. So you just play it for the rest of your life and it's okay. But it's awesome because it has a numbing agent too so even if the like you can't turn the cocksucker off it sucks your cock constantly so if you're at a funeral or something you'll probably want numbing mode where it's still sucking on you but you can hardly even feel it except a little bit you can still feel it some

but mostly just random spots where you it forgot to numb you like the your taint and uh it is uh the ass eater mode is unfortunately in its beta form right now so sometimes it interesting travels up into your stomach and it starts it licks all your all your intestines and everything and it makes you cough a whole lot when it does that because of all the air getting up there. So there's still some irregularities. Yeah, so far we've mostly tested it on animals. Okay. Mice, elephants, lions, chimpanzees.

Interesting. Frogs. lions chimpanzees interesting frogs there's been no pushback no backlash from your your use of elephants and chimpanzees

and animal trials no we didn't tell anybody none of the process has been very transparent at all it's all been self-funded by

we've been stealing social security money I see renegade business practices It's all been self-funded by we've been stealing Social Security money. I see renegade business practices are kind of the way that I view the way my work. And I view myself as a person who you exist outside what is typically permissible by local and state federal regulations. and state, you know, federal regulations. So animal testing without... The ass eater testing it on an elephant would make many people's stomachs turn, but I appreciate it,

and I believe that you're on the right path. Now, for your app, for the Life app, how would... What would people... What would people get out of reliving old mistakes well i mean like you know if you ever let's say you like uh like you're having a really bad day and uh like you went over to your neighbor's house and you kicked the shit out of his dog like you could live in a world where that wouldn't happen and the whole time you can be sold like advertisements for like dick

pills and stuff like they would pop into your your lens view. Stuff like that. And then I was thinking, Mr. Musk, is that we can meld my app and Thomas's app and it could be like second life. Familiar with this? without regret or shame and get your dick sucked and smoke cigarettes wherever you want and get your ass eaten

all the time and get your taint sucked. And you could also have numbing mode. So basically, a life of total freedom with no shame or regret, constant rim job,

constant blow job, constant smoking wherever you want. You know what I mean? Yeah. What do you think about it, Thomas? Can we meld the two ideas? Yeah, that's fine.

And we could also make it to where you could make sandwiches really fast. A 14% increase in sandwich making. Normally it takes a few minutes, but now it'll only take a couple minutes. A 16% reduction in sandwich making speed. I'm incredible. I honestly am sold. And it helps you clean it up after

because it tells you where to put the cheese and all that to where your girlfriend does good job. Because it tells you where to put the cheese and all that to where your girlfriend does good job This is like a you know Fucking you know big fat balding Financier, so let me get this straight an app for the neural link That lets you live a life without regret or shame They let you get your dick sucked whenever you want that lets you get your ass eaten 24-7.

They let you make sandwiches at 15% less speed. And it makes you good at cleaning them up so your wife doesn't yell at you. Did you just... Did you boys... Are you trying to sell me heaven? You tell me, sir. You tell me, TBH. Big big fat uh balding new york businessman what if i told you that there was an app that could um it would make it to where whenever you were at the store with your girlfriend and she said does this smell good to you when you're in the candle section you

would know what to say and you wouldn't and you wouldn't say instead you wouldn't say i don't care what a candle smells like because i think about dying every day you wouldn't say that you would say oh this kind of gives me peony notes this gives me notes of this feels like a summer walk but in kind of in a bad way like I don't want that in the bathroom. Like, it's nice for like, oh, we're on vacation, but why would you want that? Like, oh, great, the kitchen smells like a salty beach. Yeah. And you'd say something like that, and she'd go, you are so profound.

I love it. What do you think of these duvet covers? And you say, a little bit passe. A little gauche, if I had to say. Yeah, a little bit choogy. Yeah, a little choogy. But anyway. But instead you say, I don't care what's in my house.

I don't fucking. You say, I hope everybody at TJ Maxx gets brains cancers. Brains cancer? Brains cancers is a whole new thing I'm working on. Hello, my name is Brains Cancer. I am the best Serbian basketball player in all of Serbia. Hello? Hello, it's me, Brains Cancer.

Hello, I think I have the wrong number. My name is... My name is... My name is Rog Number. Craig Rog Number. Craig Rog Number. Craig Rog Number. My name Craig Rog Number.

I am Thai. I am Malaysian. I work for IRS. I am Malaysian IRS agent. IRS I'm a Malaysian IRS agent I will need all of your savings account to play Craig Rock Namba and Bryn's Cancer Yeah Gotta love that type of shit

Two lovable characters You know if I worked for the IRS I don't think I would make people pay taxes I'll tell you what I never You know for a long time I don't think I would make people pay taxes. I'll tell you what. I never... You know, for a long time, I didn't even know what IRS stood for. Yeah.

Because I thought, well, I know they do taxes and there's no T, so... You guys got to start acting right. And soon. Honestly, the IRS should do, like, streetwear collabs. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, the IRS collaborates with, like, Supreme. Yeah, Balenciaga.

And it's got, like, pay your taxes on the shirt. And that would be, like, so it would be, like, next level dope to where it's, like, that's some true-ass shit. Because they never taught us that in high school, remember? They never taught us how to balance a checkbook. They only taught us the Pythagorean theorem. Yeah yeah i like it when people talk about that on twitter it's like yeah uh you weren't paying attention in high school neither was i it's okay but we did have financial literacy classes for the most part we did not but i kind of like where you're going with ours was uh fucking it was a d Ramsey curriculum. It was awesome.

What if? Because you know how the IDF is really struggling with their image, especially with younger people. I have an idea. And don't be too critical off the jump. Israel, IDF, at large, they've expressed they're having a hard time with youth of the world because the youth of the world wants them to explode and wants them brought to justice, you know, whatever. IDF Supreme board ape collaboration.

Don't say no. Okay. Don't say no. You take the IDF uniform, okay, which is like the camo and like a little bit of blue. Throw that shit in the fucking trash, my brother. You're going to have all white red bar. So it's all white. It's going to be white plate carrier, white pants, white boots, white camo fucking helmet.

All right? And it's going to have the red bar across, and it's going to say Jewish across it. Like the Supreme Tee. And then you're thinking, where does the Bored Ape come in? Jake, I have the answer for you. So you've got a white camo outfit, Jewish red bar across the front. And they already look fucking swagged onto 100. And their boots, Doc Martens.

Kids, fucking little socialist kids love Doc Martens. The mask is a bored ape it's a bored ape mask you know what i mean and it's got the little hat on top of it the fucking yamaha whatever the fuck it is um and kippa no it's the same thing the yarmulke is actually a mistranslation it's a mispronunciation of a Yiddish term well a yarmulke is yarmulke

is I think correct but a kippah and a yarmulke are the same thing I don't I don't kippah fuck I'm trying to get you guys

done kippah is from the Hebrew I don't kippah shit okay I'm trying to fucking make it to where the IDF can fucking at least maybe gain some ground in the meme wars. You know what I mean?

Somebody reached out to me and they're like, we'll pay you $150 if you can get young people to like Israel. I took that deal, baby. I needed it really bad. I needed a new hose for the van. And so, again, Supreme Board Ape IDF outfit. Massad, they can wear... Ooh, they get to dress like Grimace. Kids love Grimace.

And then Shin Bet, I think they're like the torturers or whatever. They can all be Baby Yoda. Sorry, I got distracted because there was a guy in London who was arrested for manslaughter, and his name was Sukhaman Deep. That was his first name, and it looks like just Suckaman Deep Singh. But, sorry.

Yeah, Suckaman Deep Singh. But uh Sorry Um Yeah suck a man deep Sing Anyway Yeah I think We should do A collaboration Where it's Walmart brand So it's

Uh So it's great value And it collaborates with my balls Okay And basically We just cut them off And we fucking Print off pictures of them

And we just sell them at Walmart. Because there's been no shock value at Walmart for a while, ever since the baby shooting. Well, let me ask you a question. When you say great value, my balls, are you selling like a knockoff generic picture of your nuts? Like an AI chat GPT picture? I'm not here to answer questions, Jake.

I'm here to provide solutions. Yeah. Look. I'm here to help people. When I come into work every day and I do my podcast, I say, how many downloads can we get today?

And I tell myself, if we don't get 40,000 downloads this week, I'll do it. I'll kill my neighbor's family. I'll kill their two dogs and their i don't know their situation they got on but they do my neighbors do have dogs that bark at me when i come to my own house and i just think to myself i mean uh you know it's fine it's fine for them to do that but i think you guys have no idea how the territory situation works out here

this is i get to live in my place i don't get to live at your place you know You guys have no idea how the territory situation works out here. This is... I get to live in my place. I don't get to live at your place, you know? But at the same time, I understand dogs probably have, like, a 2 IQ or whatever. People always say dogs are really smart. They're not. Look, I like dogs, and I think they do show more intelligence than some people give them credit for. Like a bug.

But also, sometimes you meet a dog that's straight up dumb. And I love, the best dogs are fucking stupid, man. Let me tell you. A chihuahua that's been hit by a car like five times and doesn't know, like gets scared of itself in the mirror. That's the best dog there is. itself in the mirror that's the best dog there is the dog that we just got is uh half bloodhound half german shepherd you'd think that two intelligent working breeds would produce an equally intelligent working breed he is dumber than a sack of river rocks i watched him for 10 minutes this morning.

He was starting to chase his tail, and I was like, oh, that's cute. Dogs chase their tail. He got a hold of it, full-on bit his own tail, and ran around in a circle for like a long time. I don't know if it was 10 minutes, but it was a long time. And then he would like whimper at biting his own. Literally, he would look at me like, who keeps doing this to me? Who keeps biting my tail and licking my asshole and making me run around in a circle he would stop and look at me like cock that do the thing that dogs that cock their head like yeah he would like and then fucking grab it and then all this all this is to say by the way

the person we got this dog from was like, Ashley had her own van situation. So the person we got the dog from was like, yeah, he's up to date on all his shots, heartworm medication, everything's fucking golden. He's ready to be adopted. He's a very sweet boy. He's potty trained, and he's very, very well behaved. And we went and visited him and saw him for a bit, and we were like, oh, cool. What a sweet little boy.

He's a puppy. He's got a lot of energy. We've had the dog for two days uh that dog pisses everywhere uh we called the shelter it has zero shots it has no shots at all uh it has never been tested for heartworm and it's dumb as shit and it's literally nuts it's insane now i know it's like a he's big as fuck too he's only four months old and he's damn near the size of dolly yeah but he's loud too right he's super loud yeah i mean dude his his whine is like like it's so crazy because he's a bloodhound he's like he's got to go awoo and he's been learning how to awoo

like he's again he's still a puppy but he'll go like it sounds like shit it scares the fuck out of me and then he dude he has such a powerful fucking piss stream dude and we keep him in a kennel at night because we're trying to like kennel train him because he's too fucking big he's gonna be too big to roam around the house and so i'll be i was asleep last night dude it's like three in the morning and i just hear and i was like what the fuck was that and i turned the fucking lamp by my by the bed on and I look and he's squatting in the kennel both feet on the ground and his dick is just shooting like hot piss like so hard into the blanket in his kennel and he's just looking at me and he's like just like I don't know sorry like I didn't you know and I'm like god damn it man I

and we didn't say anything like we told the Like, I didn't, you know, and I'm like, God damn it, man. And we didn't say anything. Like, we told the shelter. We didn't adopt him from the shelter. We adopted him from a foster. We told the shelter. We're like, they said he was like potty trained. And they were like, oh, who did you adopt him from?

Like, what's the name of the foster? And we gave them the name of the person. And they were like, oh, yeah. And I was like, that's not good. Like, Ashley made the phone call. And she was like, oh, they said, oh, we've had dealings and I was like what they're nice they're nice people for sure but I she was she actually was like I think maybe I had like a kind of like you with the van and I was like what do you mean you're like you just do something you know what it ends up being like a huge just a thing but now it's it's yours

now and I'm like yeah yeah it's a manic episode you had like a huge, just a thing. But now it's yours now. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. It's a manic episode. You had like a lapse in judgment based on like an idealized version of the situation that would happen after you made this purchase or adopted this dog. And he's a sweet dog, dude. He's just like, he's done.

To your point, he's like, when I first saw him, I was like, oh, a shepherd and a bloodhound. Like this guy's going to know how to do fucking like advanced mathematics. No. He goes to eat out of Dolly's bowl, and he'll just start biting the bowl. Dolly's looking at me like, that's my food, dude. You need to do something about this guy.

Like, you really need to stop him. And he's like, no. I'm sure he'll get better as he's trained. He probably hasn't been trained at all. No, no. He clearly hasn't. He also, he was neutered the shelter did that motherfucker still has juice because he tries to fuck everything he tries to fuck me like that's really early to get neutered yeah then yeah i i don't know i i don't

know if shelters do it early but i don't know but like i think for my parents dogs they didn't do it till they were like six months old or something but he's four and he's been neutered for like a month but i know that the shelter apa is like a no-kill shelter so i don't know if they neuter them early to prevent like even the the puppies yeah that makes sense you know but uh but yeah we have these pillows they look like big loaves of bread and they're perfect for him he loves those things he wants to marry them because he gets it and he fucking looks at you too dude it's fucked up i hate it i wish he would look somewhere else i'll be on my phone or like working or something like looking at my laptop and i'll just hear like a i look over and he's staring at me and he's got these

bread pillows and he's hunched over and he's got his big ass fucking bloodhound paws wrapped around it. And he's fucking the shit out of it. It's like just going to town and he's looking at me like. And I'm like, dude, stop. You're a nasty fucking pervert, dude. Enough. And he'll like start whining and like go away. And I'm like, I'm sorry I ruined your nut, big dog.

But like can't be fucking the pillows in the house and you can't be looking at me while you're doing it either. I won't stand for it. And Ashley's like, Oh, so it's fine when I do it. Yeah, you can come over and do it. Whatever. Everyone needs to know Thomas comes to my house and he fucks in between the couch cushions.

He starts fucking with all... Jake has to kennel me at night. Yeah. I remember my cats used to try and fuck each other. Not the ones I have now. on me at night. Yeah. I remember my cats used to try and fuck each other. Not the ones I have now. Growing up, we had two twin boy cats

who we had to... They... My parents were putting off getting them fixed and then they started raping each other, so they got them fixed pretty quickly after that.

Dude, cats are gross, man. I like Lily and Odie because they're old, but I feel like there's nothing worse than a young cat. They stink. They're just fucking violent. Like they're evil.

I think it seems like if you don't spend time with young animals, whatever breed it is, you know, I feel like it helps to be around them a is, you know, uh, it, I feel like it helps to be around them a lot.

You know what I mean? But I think, yeah, even like goats are just pretty disgusting. Well, you think, Oh, goats,

you know what? No, they piss all over themselves. They, they try and fuck the fence and stuff. Um, yeah. Um, it's cool.

Yeah, I mean, he's all right. I think I just, like, I don't. Just hate him. No, I don't hate him. I have no instinct to. This is why, like, I just don't know, like, if I'll be, like, a good. I have no instinct to raise anything. My first response to him pissing in his kennel was to go back to sleep.

Ashley was like, we got to take him out. I'm like, he already pissed. She's like, he probably has to piss more. He's a puppy. I was like, I have another idea. I'm going to run this by you real quick if i close my eyes and pretend that a dog just didn't release a fire hydrant's worth of hot stream piss into his own bed then that is good with me you're like i can't do that i'm like all right like i have no i don't know like when he fucking does something stupid i'm like hey the dickhead and he's like huh you know like he

doesn't understand yeah so like that's just but that's just, but that's just me. Like, that's, I don't know. So, like, I don't think I would have a kid in a cage pissing. Like, I don't think my son, I would not raise my son like that. I would hope that maybe I would be a little bit more prepared and not raise my son like a pig. You know, or like a sick animal or something. But, you never know. I don't think I would raise my own kid either. I'd probably just leave.

Dude, honestly. Look. You can just leave if you want to. Yeah. No, I mean, I wouldn't, but I would definitely. You know, well, first of all, I don't plan on having children, and I wouldn't actually leave them. But, yeah, I mean.

I think people make too big of a deal out of, like, good new kids. I'm not kidding. Like I'm kind of kidding, but I'm also not. And here's, here's my reasoning. Okay. This is just a guy.

It's just a guy, you know, I had a deadbeat dad. Okay. It's fine. Like all of this idea of like, he's got to teach you how to clean your baseball mitt and how to change oil. You can learn that from YouTube.

He's got to teach you how to be a loyal friend. Just be a nice person. He's got to be there for you when things get tough. Be there for yourself. You know what I mean? Everybody's like, oh, damn, he ran out on his wife and kids. What a piece of shit. He's got stuff to do.

He's got shit to do. He's got shit to do. He's busy. He's probably making money out there. Right? You know what my dad was doing when he would leave for months at a time? I can tell you right now, he was making tons of money. He was getting rich. He was getting fucking loaded.

He was making money so when he came back, y'all would be rich as fuck. He was making money so when he came back, y'all would be rich as fuck. Yeah. He was making so much money, they were trying to garnish it. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? The state and the federal government both. They were like, damn, this young player has got too much cheese. Dave, you're balling too damn hard. My dad was making so much money that he had to file married and nine on his taxes.

For like 22 years. I think I talked about it on here already, but the laissez-faire, lackadaisical way he went about telling me to do that is still so funny to me. I was like, we were working at that plastics plant together, and I was like damn man i fucking got 20 hours of ot and it only put like 300 bucks 400 bucks left on my fucking check they taxed like a thousand of it he's like what are you what you filing and i was like i mean like when you go to say if you're married you got kids what are you filing and i was like well seeing as i'm not married and i have no kids i'm filing single and zero he's like there's your first fucking mistake, dumbass. You got to file married nine.

I was like, well, what does that do? And he's like, they let you keep all your paycheck. And I'm like, well, what happens if they find out that you are divorced from my mom and both your children are over 18 years old? And also there are seven fake children involved in this little scheme you're running. And he was like, they ain't ever asked it's like i was like they'll never know and then like i don't

know like i met three years before he died yeah he was like man they finally got up to me you know i was like who is irs they're saying I owe fucking $45,000. Man, what does that mean anyway? What does it mean? It means you owe the federal government like a year's salary. Yeah, I mean, they can come get it. I mean, I don't got it. Just respect of like, yeah, like I found out too that that i later found out that's a pretty common thing well at least for like my dad's i don't want here's here's i'm gonna self-correct here

i was about to say a lot of people do that because every man that my dad considered a friend also did that but also every man that my dad considered a friend was a hopeless degenerate and so like i i thought i was like oh shit maybe i should file married nine and then i talked to my mom one time i was like do you should i file married nine because dad gets away with it and all his friends do and she was like do not do that 100 do not file married i'm like well dude they've never audited our dad never audited dave and he she was like look just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it won't and when it does he has to pay back all that money i'm like okay but what if he never pays it and she's like he'll go to prison and i'm like

he likes it there i don't know like he's Okay like Like I think The coolest thing About that whole I guess gambit He was running I remember I was like What if you go to jail They'll take you to jail He's like

Yeah I think you only do Like a year or two I think you only do Like a year or two He was like Yeah I mean you know Winter summer Winter summer

Yeah Fuck anyway Yeah Um I mean, you know, winter, summer, winter, summer. Fuck. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, dude, this fucking like, like filing, like, like getting paid through Venmo shit sucks really bad. I don't know.

I know that you tell me that you get paid through Apple pay forever, as you like to say, but I like, it scares the shit out of me. Like it makes me, it makes me scared. Your biggest problem with it is that you're thinking about it. Yeah. but I like it scares the shit out of me like it makes me it makes me scared your bit your biggest problem with it is that you're thinking about it yeah of course I am man it's fucking I'm like not I mean I am paying taxes because I'm paying like a lump sum at the end of the year but like I don't know nobody pays their taxes I pay my taxes I pay taxes for everything how much money did you make on paper last year Thomas I i made 8900 last year and i earned

every penny of it it's so funny that like technically i'm podcasting with somebody like you could get ebt like you could get like you could be on full blown i can't i can't because i'm a business owner oh that's right yeah see that's why i can't get unemployment i can't get any of that stuff uh and i obviously i wouldn't apply for it anyway but uh that would be a funny move um just like that would be such i would like have the lifestyle of somebody making like 80 grand if so like renting from family and then like doing this show, then being a day laborer. And then if I got food stamps too, I would be living so comfortably. It would be like, I would be like a welfare queen.

I would be the person that like Sean Hannity yells about. Yeah. Yeah. No, of course. Like dude, when I was on super unemployment during COVID for like, I would love,

I would also, I would do that if I could, but I, you know, you can't do that. Listen, I got on the T the one time and it was awesome. People were like, yeah, all the right wingers are like, you're going to make people not want to go back to work.

Fuck yeah. Work sucks my little fucking pecorino off. And two, they were giving people like $700 a week, which at that point, other than like the time I spent working construction was like some of the, like the most money I'd ever made like in my life was like working, it was like collecting on it. Dude, I was so pissed because I lost my job at the beginning of the pandemic. And then I realized my parents still had me listed as a dependent, even though I was like 20.

No. Yeah. So you were fucked. You didn't get any of that sweet, sweet milk. No. So I ended up getting the last stimulus like later because the next year I filed as independent and then they gave me like the last, I think, twelve hundred or something like that. They need to do that, dude.

I was. That was sick because I wasn't expecting that. At first I was literally going to get, I think, like $3 back on my return, and then they were like, oh, looks like you forgot to get your stimulus. Here's $1,203. And I was like, sick.

I'm going to go get an electric guitar right now. So that's what I did. If you're listening to this, you need to put down the electric guitar, and you need to pick up your laptop, and you need to go to patreon.com slash pandejo time. And toss Thomas and I $1 a month. And that'll get you access to the Discord, but nothing else, you fuck.

If you want to give us $5 a month, you get Discord access and a bonus episode a week. They are rocking and rolling. They are fucking gibbering and jiving. They are jamming and clamming. And they are slamming and fucking jamming. Yes, sir. $10 a month gets you access to all that bullshit. Posted video episode.

There's a really funny one up. And you should go check out our YouTube, because we put free video episodes, just like the free episodes, up on YouTube. Pendejo Time Worldwide, I do believe. That's the username. And lots of funny shit on there. Lots of great clips. Our live podcast from Shuba's in Chicago last year is up there.

It was a dope ass glorious ass time I can't wait to get back on the road brother I don't know about you but I can't wait to get back on the fucking road I love live shows I love meeting you sick fucks

and I love uh having fucking beers and fucking bratwursts and fucking cigarettes with you guys and you're all awesome um yeah alright bye

bye okay