Pendejo Time - Pendejo's Playhouse
Episode Date: June 28, 2024Episode One: Camping Trip Episode Two: Karaoke Night Episode Three: The Interrogation Support the Show....
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The hills are alive with the sound of my dick.
Come on, don't kill yourself.
Dead javelina body down by the creek bed.
Bloated.
That didn't taste good.
You ate a dead animal, man?
Why?
You ate some beef jerky on the way here.
Can you hand me those tin steaks?
Yeah, here.
I don't think that's the same thing, dude.
Dead dry cow.
Oh, I get it from the store.
Dead web pig type creature,
you know. Oh, yeah, I just get this from the creek.
Yeah.
Pretty fucking close.
Honestly, yeah.
That tracks.
Good thinking, man.
I'm glad we got out of here, dude.
Finally.
Been talking about it a while.
I'll be down in the hill country, dude.
Sights, smells, sounds.
Ready to get down by the lake.
Put my toes in the water.
Beer in my hand.
You know how we fucking live, brother.
You think that hog had any regrets?
Uh,
what? You think that dead hobblina
down by the river had any regrets in his life?
You know? You think maybe he fucked up
and never made amends?
He just got caught cheating on his, you know,
his pig wife and they never
got their
finances separated and stuff, you know?
He just borrowed his coyote
friends lawnmower and he never gave it back he stepped on his prairie dog and killed it and then
there's like a blood feud with you know you'd have like a whole uh you know with guys that are in
holes you know that type of stuff then one day you know he's just dead bloated and rotting in the
shallows of a river that new bio college kids piss and puke in i don't know uh i figured all
wild pig thinks about is ground uh water nutrient pig pussy cave grass piglet mountain lion bobcat Pig Pussy Cave Grass
Piglet
Mountain Lion
Bobcat
Snake
Flash Flood
Don't Get Run Over by King Ranch Ford
Corn
Cliff
Eagle Stealing Piglet
Hunter
Alligator
Yeah, that's about it.
There's lots for a wild pig to think about.
I don't really think he's got the time to sulk over his past indiscretions,
you know what I mean?
We're kind of like that pig.
How so?
I don't feel bad for anything wrong I've done in my whole life.
Too much stuff going on.
Well, again, I don't think the pig feels anything, you know?
I mean, it's dead for one.
From your description, he's been dead a while.
For two, it's a pig, so I think regret exists
outside of their emotional capacity or whatever.
I've seen a pig cry.
What?
Nine years old.
Granddad's farm out in Palestine.
I had a big fat pink pig named Tulip.
And Tulip here had been alive all my life.
From stories I heard as a boy he had been alive before I was even considered.
You know, like before my dad even decided
to have unprotected raw sex with my mom,
expelling his sperms into her body
and creating potentially a zygote situation,
leading to maybe an embryo,
and then a beautiful large white baby.
Right.
Tulip was really sweet.
She'd come right over to you
if you were sitting on the porch
and she would
if you were just sitting there
she would just try to come
and suck on your penis.
What?
Yep.
Grandpa trained her to do that.
What for?
Pretty lonely out in Palestine.
But out there dude
there's women.
Who said anything about women?
Anyway so one day this old grandpa of mine, we used to call him Grandpa,
he says, Tommy, come down here and take a look at this.
I took my big red wagon and went down the hill.
And I came and came down
and grandpa
he's my grandfather
we call him grandpa
I look and he's wielding
a big sword
like the one
Pyramid Head has
yeah
and grandma said
Tudor's gotta go bye bye
she's gotta go to
piggy hell
for being a sick
fucked up animal
that I hate.
With this piece of
forged steel, I'm gonna lop her
head clean the fuck off, and then we're gonna
go get some Dairy Queen. How's
that sound? I didn't
know what to say, you know?
Where's this going, man? You tell stories all the time,
Jacob. And, yeah,
do I ever interrupt you?
Yeah, all the time.
Anyway, I look down and Tulip,
she's got a single tear.
One single tear rolling down her pink little cheek.
So yeah, pigs can feel
things. Did he kill Tulip?
Did who kill Tulip?
Your fucking grandpa, dude.
Oh, right. No, that was
just something he did every Sunday after church.
A little tradition of sorts.
Come on, let's get this tent up. Hugh Hefner is not the name of a guy you'd think would get a lot of trim.
Sounds like the kind of older neighbor guy that would bring cookies over to your house, you know,
and look at the kids for a little bit too long.
Look at the kids for a little bit too long.
Hey, man, could you maybe, like, not look at porno when I'm sitting here?
It's kind of fucking... I don't know, we're just out here in the woods and, like, alone together and stuff.
It's like a boys weekend or whatever, but...
Yeah, I just...
Maybe look at the phone or something there.
Or like a book, but not the pornography.
This isn't porno.
It's got naked women in it, man.
Tits and ass and...
Bush.
Neck and... Butt. and ass and bush neck and all, but this was porno like 50 years ago. I don't think this counts anymore. This is like tame shit now. Nostalgia. You can pull your phone up nowadays
and watch a lady get spit roasted on a roller coaster by two and a half Puerto Ricans and a guy with three balls,
and one of them's got a vest on, and then there's two other ladies,
and they're tiny, but they're grown-ups,
and they're holding up the other lady, like, by her feet.
There's four on each of her feet, like a sedan chair,
eight tiny grown-up ladies holding this lady up while she gets plowed by a bunch of guys, a bunch of guys with questionable immigration statuses.
But I'm not judging.
I'm not judging that shit.
But then you look into her hole.
You look into her hole, and she's got a whole other person in there.
But it's a grown-up, too.
And it's a tiny grown-up
and there's another tiny grown-up and there's 69ing in there
and then it zooms out and it's the whole planet's got a uh
uh i see your point still man I feel weird you sitting over there
looking at naked women with an eyesight
feels kind of dirty
you know what I mean
I mean
like if you had your phone out
and you were watching
like hardcore porn it would definitely
be worse
like that would for sure be worse like I definitely see where you're coming from like i like i get it but like they're still um porn in the tent
and then you're looking at it so it just feels gross you know what i mean That sounds like a big ass bear.
And it sounds like this camping trip is being cut short.
I don't really have
any last words, but I guess
I feel really bad about a lot of stuff
in my life, but
for the most part, it's been pretty chill
up until the part where the bear showed up.
Alright, man.
Are we ready to die?
Sick. Alright. Alright, hey, man. Are we ready to die? Sick. All right.
All right. All right. I've got to had enough of this shit.
Get this fucking P-Rod out of my fucking house now.
Fucking chill with my boys and that's it.
Alright, this shit's not working.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Everybody, please get the fuck out of my house, please.
Okay, thank you.
Shit.
Fuck.
What a party. I love drinking beer with my friends
Yeah, it's awesome
Probably my favorite thing of all time
Let's keep her going
What did you have in mind?
Russian roulette
Pin the tail on that guy here that I hate
I heard someone mention karaoke earlier
Yeah, I just got the machine.
Uh, yeah, I could be down.
Thomas? I love karaoke.
It is my
second favorite thing of all time.
Uh,
alright, yeah, hell yeah, brother, let's get it going.
I got first dibs. Fine.
Commence the karaoke, good sirs!
Alright, I got the mic, I got the TV hooked up.
Thomas, the floor is yours.
What you got for us, Thomas?
Well, some classics, I bet.
Mr. Brightside?
No. What about I Miss You?
Blink-182?
Where are you? And I'm so sorry. Terrible
song. Well, what are you gonna sing
for us, buddy?
Secrets by the Devil.
My favorite song.
I don't know this one.
Yeah, me either, babe.
Yeah, same here.
I'm stomped.
A real deep cut.
I love this song.
Oh, the secrets that we keep.
Oh, the truths we bury
deep.
Oh, the thoughts
that come before the
sleep.
Things no
one can
know.
The fuck?
Right? This is weird.
He's just being goofy.
You jokester Thomas.
Quiet.
Let him sing.
You think you'll take them to your grave.
But they rule your life.
You're my slave.
And now they're all on display for show secrets. Liam hit a homeless man with his car
Stumbling, drunk as he was, coming home from the bar
No one saw, so Liam kept on
Down the road till the first light of dawn.
He thinks no one knows, and he would never tell.
But one man always knows, the crown prince of hell.
I, uh...
Funny.
Jake and Thomas put this together.
Liam's father
helped his son
cover up his tracks.
They buried the body under his dad's construction site.
This shit don't even rhyme.
What the fuck is this, man?
Liam, is this true? Yeah, dude, what the fuck is this man man this is this true yeah dude what the fuck i remember you acting all weird last year you said it was just because your grandma died it was
quiet the song isn't over I might need a tiny home. Mike goes into chat rooms and pretends to be a girl.
And Erica, none the wiser.
Last September, he flew to New York, New York, and fucked one of the executives from Pfizer.
Um, Mike?
Baby, it isn't like that.
Man, I don't know what the fuck's going on right now, but I'm really fucking scared.
I think there's evil in this house.
It is like that.
The devil knows your sins and that you're many, many.
Erica goes on her nightly runs.
She cherishes her jugs for once a year.
To keep her head clear, she goes out and drowns her dog.
You sick bitch.
You're sucking, CEO Dick.
I do not want to hear it.
For the last time, can you all shut the fuck up?
Thomas is singing like a songbird, and none of you seem to appreciate it.
Yeah, this shit is awesome.
Fuck you, Alex.
You're clearly next.
You're the only one left.
Alex is a pretty chill guy.
Actually, you're all just really fucked up.
I guess the only thing really about Alex is that he owes me 40 bucks. From that time, I spotted him on dinner when the club declined.
But as far as the devil goes you're good haha oh yeah I got you man thanks brother
fuck this I'm out of here you're all fucking weird and this is bullshit
Liam you're a fucking murderer Alex you're a bum Jake you're a fucking
dickhead hell yeah ain't that the truth brother
let's go babe get your own ride home pervert maybe suck some dick for an uber ride home
thank you brother brother brother brother erica is also homophobic homo homophobic homo homophobic, homo-homophobic, homo-homophobic. Shut the fuck up, Thomas!
Liam, let's go.
Shut up, bitch.
Shut up, bitch.
I didn't fucking kill anybody.
Yeah, you did, because guess what?
I drown dogs.
Yeah, who gives a shit?
And Mouth Queen Mike here sucks off guys he meets on Chat Roulette.
You're all you bitches of shit.
Get the fuck out of my house.
So I can jack off
and eat cheese from the fridge,
from the fridge,
like the world's worst,
the world's worst,
the world's worst,
the world's worst,
the world's worst.
Where did everyone go?
They all had work tomorrow.
Sucks.
And then there were three.
Anyone want some of this blood I've been drinking this whole time?
Shazam ain't worth the fuck.
I'm going to make a small tent. Fuck!
Jesus Christ!
Help!
What the fuck's happening?
What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this?
Where am I?
Who are you?
It seems you aren't really in a position to be asking questions.
Although I suppose prying minds can't help themselves.
You've always been an inquisitive one, Jake.
What? Just
fucking let me go, man.
I don't know who you think
I am or what any of this
is, but please just let me go.
Begging already.
I thought you'd put up more of a fight.
Maybe struggle
with those bindings a bit.
Fuck you!
There he is.
My hopelessly arrogant friend.
The man I know
and love.
Even in the face of certain death.
Defiant till the bitter end.
You had me going there for a second
I really thought you'd be softened
on account of the chair
the rope
the human demise and so on
who the fuck are you
where am I
I don't understand
oh my god I can't I can God, I can't...
I can't remember.
I can't remember anything.
You really don't know, do you?
Must have got the dosage wrong when I put you out.
Unfortunate.
I guess the trip down Bimber Lane will have to do.
There you go
There's one at one question answered
Hello Jake Thomas
What the fuck okay, right, right this is
This is some kind of dumb fucking joke.
Yeah.
Okay.
Just untie me, man.
Let's go eat some catfish and call it a day.
Seriously, dude. These ropes, they hurt, man.
This is not funny.
I tie you to a chair, inject you with a mysterious green liquid, go through all this trouble
to remove your long, lanky body to a discreet location
and you still think this a joke I
Took you for intelligent man and an intelligent man knows what he's beat an
intelligent man
Understands that his choices have consequence and is at least enough of a man
to lie in the bed he's made for himself.
Seems I was wrong.
There will be no catfish today, I am afraid.
Man, I...
I don't know what I did or what I said or whatever it is.
I'm sorry, okay? What do you think?
Just untie me, please, man. I'm starting to get scared.
How can a man truly apologize for that which he does not remember?
What?
How can you be truly sorry for the pain you've caused
if you don't recall the transgression that landed you here?
The decisions, your decisions, I might add,
that ultimately led you to this moment,
these final moments,
to the place where you will die terribly.
Thomas, quit fucking around.
Thomas.
Fine.
Out of the kindness of my sweet southern heart,
I'll give you a recap, so you know why you're here and your life is forfeit.
Let's go back, shall we, my old friend?
Way, way back to a simpler time.
When I considered you a brother. Way, way back to a simpler time.
When I considered you a brother.
When I would have scorched the earth for you if you had asked.
45 minutes earlier. Fuck. Where are they?
Have you seen them?
Seen what?
Peach rings. Fresh bag.
Just got them from the store before you got here.
Oh. Uh.
Sorry, dude. I thought they were old.
I ate them earlier.
You... ate them?
My peach rings?
Yeah, man. I didn't think it was a big deal.
Stores, like, right down the road from your place.
Just go get another bag.
Take the business card.
Write it off.
Who gives a shit?
Put it on a company card.
You know what I mean?
Company card. Eating big-ass peach it on a company card. You know what I mean? Company card.
Eating big ass pea drinks on a company card.
Getting a tasty bucket of soda on a company card.
Getting a Bud Light tall boy on a company card.
Getting all sorts of candy on a company card.
My hungry little hippo.
Your gluttony sealed your fate.
You had to go and eat my candy.
You washed my hand.
The fucking peach strings?
The peach strings from less than an hour ago?
I ate your fucking peach strings and you drug me, black bagged me,
tied me to a fucking chair.
What are you, fucking retarded?
Don't take that tone with me, petulant child.
And remove that word from your vocabulary.
It's hurtful.
Hurtful?
Thomas, you fucking drugged and kidnapped me.
Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things
in order to right the course of the ship,
to bend the moral arc of the universe back toward justice.
After men with tainted souls.
Fuck it up.
And make a mockery of it.
Soil it with their greed.
Their voracious emptiness that they fill with the belongings of others.
Fine, man.
I'm fucking... I'm sorry. Alright, I should have asked before I ate the peach rings belongings of others. Fine, man. I'm fucking... I'm sorry.
All right, I should have asked before I ate the peach rings.
Just let me go, man.
You can have the Patreon money, all of it.
Just let me go, dude. We can call it even.
I won't say anything.
Freed not, my candy-loving friend.
Unfortunately, this is where this story ends.
And yours.
Yours.
The human body, upon experiencing the grotesque and often fatal nature of third-degree burns,
doesn't at first experience pain.
It's more of a cold, tingling sensation.
At first.
This evolutionary blessing is only temporary, of course, as the skin burns away to reveal muscle, tendon, and bone.
Then it hurts. Quite a bit, in fact.
Somebody. Anybody. Somebody.
We're in an abandoned housing development just outside Dallas.
No one's going to hear you.
A rat might.
A rat might hear the desperate squeaks of his brethren.
His candy-stealing Ken, who seems incapable of accepting that the show's over.
The curtains have been drawn.
The vibrato of the fat lady reaches its pitch-perfect crescendo
on this glorious day that our Lord has made.
Care for a smoke, my fuel-soaked friend?
You cocksucker.
Do it.
Just fucking do it.
Ah, finally.
Acceptance.
The last stage of grief.
Fitting
at this, the
penultimate moment in this pitiful story.
Should've tied those rapes to toter, buddy.
Should've tied them up.
Should've fucking tied them tighter, brother.
Laps peach. Shoulda tied him up Shoulda fuckin' tied him Tied him, brother That's a peach That's a peach ring, dude
I'm just playing in the sand
Man, that's so fuckin' stupid
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you
For how stupid that was
God
God damn it
Gotcha! You fuckin' won Dib shit God damn it Not you fucking one
Do shit you thought I was gonna fight your fucking big ditch digging dig labor and ass fucking one. Hello
I'll be done, but ain't stupid
Fucking nuts, man. I think you popped one.
I think you popped one of those.
Just popped a little bit.
Ah, fuck.
Oh god, that was god damn it.
Hey, man.
Ah.
I'm sorry.
I did tie me to the chair and shit.
I just... Get up.
Come on.
It's fine.
Let's just...
Lock the peach rings, dude.
Let's just go get a beer.
You know, cooler heads prevail and all that
The old switcheroo the change-up right in the fucking strike zone grand slam two balls one strike bases loaded bottom the night
He did my friend in the dick and nuts after he tried to bum me alive
Turn it out how you playing is it big fella?
Is the catfish offer still on the table by chance?
I don't think so, buddy.
That's fair.
Hey, Thomas.
Yeah.
You're gay. You're gay.
Thanks for listening, everybody, to Pendejo's Playhouse.
We did some more.
I did a couple on the premium,
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Bye-bye.