Pendejo Time - Pig William Squeaker

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

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Yes, sir Yeah What you doing man, what are you looking at me for me? Yeah, yeah, I was looking pictures of H John Benjamin oh Okay, that's that's fine. I guess I'm that's I assume my camera turned off when I went to other tabs Is that no you just literally were like this I did it at all you were just staring this way because I do that on every episode I'll have to look something up and you probably just think I'm like no I think you know what's funny is I think you're like intensely listening and uh I guess you're just looking at pictures of like whales and

shit no I'll look so something uh sometimes I'll look something up if I can't remember it or if I'm like oh that we can probably circle back to that in a little bit and it'll be nice to have new information on it. Yeah, or sometimes we'll be talking about something like really historically important and will like Site facts on it and then I'm like what if I looked that up just in case It'll be like the Holocaust or something like that. We're in the way. I'm like Yeah, I never claimed to be an expert on this, but maybe I should look up like one thing about it You know, yeah, I mean like World War two started in like

This is a common knowledge thing so let's call it 1933 and then I'll just say that I've no I really don't know like I realized as I get older like I have like I have a lot of knowledge on like niche things, but I That has completely wiped my memory of just basic shit that like an American Should know like I know the French Indian War was yeah, no idea I couldn't tell you even the state the date that Texas was annexed I couldn't tell you gun to my head you'd blow my brain smooth the fuck out like I'm gonna guess I'm gonna guess 1845 no full date. I think the state I think the year

date of Texas annexation Yeah, it's uh 1845 you're right, but the it was December 29th good call But uh yeah, I took a full year of Texas history. I didn't know that date. So did I. I think you have to. It was in seventh grade. Yeah.

And after that it was sexual history. You did really good on the Texas history pre-AP test. So we're gonna move you up to eighth grade sexual history and you're gonna learn the history of boners and wet things. Yeah, I don't have any room in my head for like, really, my head is now filled with like, just the CIA, that's all that's in there, really.

I'm dead serious, like I was at dinner with the band the other day, and I was just rattling off some horse shit about this guy Frank Wisner who was like one of the CIA guys like the OGs and they were like my guitar player was like hey, man Like I don't give a fuck about this like at all, dude He's like he's like cuz I get I was like you do this all the time and I was like I well, I mean it's interesting and he's like really Like not not really at all. I was like, come on, dude. You don't think this is cool. He's like I have a kid, dude It's I have a daughter that I love like a lot. I don't give a fuck about like

What was the CIA called before it was the CIA? Why was it called that? I don't care and I was thinking about What don't I remember from school not college not my own research? I don't know when was like 1787 was like after the revolution But that was when they signed like the articles or something like the actual declaration like when was that signed? Because I know that's any one thing man. I we were just talking about the French and Indian War Yeah 1754 to 1763 We were just talking about the French and Indian War Yeah 1754 to 1763 That's way longer than what I thought I thought it was like a one-year affair. That's way longer than what I thought

Yeah, it was part of the Seven Years War And they fought that over here right I guess because the Indians were So they were what was it? What the fuck were the French doing over here? They can refer trapping The French had better it out once again guys Just realized I am legitimately low IQ good guy I just realized I am legitimately low IQ from what I understand the French were less ambitious in terms of actually acquiring land and stuff they were here for like fur trapping like beaver pelts and all that okay they they were kind of like because they weren't like straight up destroying everything. They had better relationships with the Native American tribes.

Gotcha. Okay. And I'm not going to look any of this up yet because I think it's funnier if I just go ahead and get all of it wrong. That's perfectly fine. I think it was the French and Native Americans versus the British. It was the French and Indian War. I think they were, it was British versus, right. It was not French versus, but now that I've said that, let's go ahead and look it up and see what the facts are.

Alright. I remember seeing yeah conflict between Great Britain and France part of a larger war called the Seven Years War. Yeah you had it right. Both countries wanted to expand their... No, you did. Now, the French wanted to expand their influence in the Ohio Valley. I mean, they wanted to expand, but they still had better relationships with the Native American tribes. Yeah.

Dude, what? Man, I kind of... But I think... Yeah, I think I'm still pretty wrong. I think I was just... I think I maybe had seen a movie That's that is you know what's funny is like I watch fury And I'm like I have a really good understanding of like tank warfare

Like the World War two between panzers this pop-up bad just popped up on the history channel Website which I use that for effects because what better effects to have than history comm uh-huh and it said you've had thyroid eye disease for a long time like that was how the ad started and is one of those mini pop-ups where you don't even know and is playing till you hear the sound yeah I didn't know there was thyroid eye disease. Earlier, I was trying to use this fucking AI text to speech thing because my boss was like, Hey, can you see if like the voiceover, like the AI voiceovers are any good? I don't know why this just reminded me. So like the client had given us some, like a basically like a tick tock voiceover

that they wanted, right? And so I just copy and paste it and it's about their new clinic for like plastic surgery or whatever, like in North Austin or whatever. I copy that in and I paste it. What is generated is, I think I might still have it in my notes cause I wrote it down.

Oh yeah. What was generated was the key. You can take it, but you cannot keep it And it scared the shit out of me so fucking bad It scared the fuck I was like because I was like, hold on. Well, I went I went look at the text I was like, what is that and it was period like that is the key period you can take it period But you cannot keep it. And I was like, what the fuck?

What, what? The vaginal clue. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, I was fucking, it was for that client too, yeah. So I was like, I don't know what to do right now. And I played it and the voice was normal. It was like, the key, you can take it,

but you cannot keep it. And I was like. It was like the key you can take it, but you cannot keep it and I was like Dude, I was like why also I'm just you know I'm fucking I like the idea of using like the classic like male tic-tac text-to-voice Like like AI voiceover thing for Labioplasties or whatever oh yeah,. Using amazing technology to destroy my wife's vagina. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Going up to my wife and saying, get it snipped. Get it snipped up quickly. Get it taken care of now. Do you think you'd ever get something like that done? But maybe on your balls or? Dude, if I could get my balls like straight like tight like get the skin around it like Molded around my nuts and then polished shit like shiny. I would of course do that zero zero chance that I wouldn't do that And I

Like to think that the computer was trying to tell me something. Obviously, you know, it's obviously it's just, you know, a glitch in the system. But it's like a prophecy. That's what AI should be used for is just generate potential new futures for you, futures for your life. Okay. I think I like what we were doing just now which was guessing facts about wars that have happened and then looking it up to see okay that's fine with me dude I know I can okay some music going I here's a question I have for

you Jake okay how many people do you think died at Gettysburg? Like north and south or just one side combined. We're gonna do combined because Let's go. Let's go 1.1 million Oh Gettysburg not the whole Civil War Gettysburg fuck let's go 90,000 okay, I'm gonna go, uh, I'm gonna go, uh, I'm gonna go, uh, uh, I'm gonna go 265,000. Pick your fucking number, dickhead. 265. Okay, alright, total death toll of Gettysburg. 51,000 casualties.

Wow, they made it sound like it was a big deal. They really did. Wait, hold on a second. Nah, you can't trust this fucking AI bullshit, because it says this included 3,150 Union soldiers and 3,903 Confederate soldiers who were killed. Well then who the fuck house was the other 44 this is that stupid fucking That like Google AI shit, it's all gay. It's fucked up. Okay that 51,000 is accurate Yeah Nope

Yeah, it is. So 28,000 confederates. A wound counts as a casualty apparently. Estimated casualties 51,112. But 33,000 of that was wounds. Okay so 3,155. And 11,000 were missing. Oh that's the number okay. But 11,000 people being. Oh, that's that's the number. Okay, but 11,000 people being missing I mean a lot of those people probably Definitely dead. Also, this has been a point of mine that I've wanted to bring up about all that It turns out it was much lower than a quarter million. Yeah, I Want to say for the missing Brother if I'm in a war in like 1710, I'm going AWOL and you're never finding me

We don't have cell phones. You don't have fucking tracking shit. There's no satellites Like I'm not getting a musket ball blown through my chest cavity And then I'm not getting eaten by fucking possums while I'm paralyzed in the cold snow. It's not happening. I'm literally gone I'm out of there. I'm firing my rifle one time I'm killing the guy next to me so it can't rat and then I'm literally gone. I'm out of there. I'm firing my rifle one time, I'm killing the guy next to me so he can't rat, and then I'm literally, I'll start a whole ass new life in fucking Canadian territory. Who gives a shit? Alright, um, your turn. Let me get more music going. Fuckin... Yeah, fuck, if you, this is a message to all of my ancestors. If you went to a war before like...

2000 and you died, you're a fucking moron. Literally, dessert. Go AWOL. What are you fucking talking about? I can't believe- you mean to tell me that you were in like the War of the Roses or whatever the fuck? And you were just like, I think I'll actually fight this war? You're a fucking moron. Alright, I like that music. I wish it would just fucking

We'll do this one All right, how many people do you think the USSR lost in total World War two? 2.2 million okay, I'm gonna go three and a half Total Soviet casualties World War two Jesus Christ Jesus fucking Christ I kind of forgot they carried that motherfucker on they backs. That's 27 million my brother Jesus fuck. Yeah, it kind of sounds like they lost on

Yeah, that's kind of crazy. I mean they include Okay, so 27 million casualties deaths is eight point seven million. So yeah I've turned that I did not know what casualty meant yeah, I mean either I literally thought just now I thought a casualty was a death Turns out war is not as bad as I thought it was turns out sometimes you just run away or get kept still 8 million yeah Yeah, I don't know though. Yeah 8.7 million damn near 9 million I don't know though. Yeah 8.7 million damn near 9 million

civilian deaths around 19 million Jesus. Okay. Well, no that brings it up to 27 weren't masking at the time Yeah, they think about that. This is before masks. So this was a lot of it was probably kovat deaths So actually Thomas it is 27 million dead because 19 million civilians died 8.7 million military die from the war yeah cuz it was World War two they were bombing each other and shooting each other I feel like they inflated the numbers a little bit on that I feel like they threw old grandpa in the casualties pile we have made great sacrifice to defeat Nazis. Okay.

All right. So we were both way a little bit low. Yeah. On that one. You got to give me one. Okay. All right, trying to remember. How many Japanese soldiers do you think died in World War II?

Well, I guess there was two nuclear bombs. So. Yeah, yeah. That's what I think. I probably got a lot of them who had returned home Really throws off the numbers I will admit it wasn't that it wasn't as much as you think it was like a hundred and Eighty thousand I think total like wow so they were fine. Yeah Look at Russia God it's oh it's warm. It's

Gosh, oh my microwave is broken Everything is green. Oh my crops my crops hurt to eat shut up my teeth hurt Oh my baby it has Even more legs than I thought it would yeah, you're sounds like a blessing dude. My water is blue My yard isn't as green as it was. Shut up. Idiot. Welcome to America, biatch.

We didn't have to drop this on you at all. And you know what? It turns out it was your fault. Yeah. Hey, guess what? A hundred years from now, there are going to be guys who are going to be saying that it was cool that you died. We are not gonna learn any lessons.

They're gonna make a whole ass movie about how we didn't learn nothing from this shit. Brother, it's gonna make a hundred and fifty million dollars at the box office. And the worst guy that your great-grandson's gonna work with, he's gonna say that it was good that he killed your fucking great-granddad with a big-ass fireball. Pussy bitch, welcome to America. Yeah, welcome to America how many people to America be? Alright, how many do you think died from the atomic bombs date like blast not like actual fucking? Like later on like weird fucking cancers and shit Feel free to play along in your car or your boat or tank you repeat the question how many people died

How many people died from the atomic bomb Japan I'm gonna say I'm gonna say say 65,000. Both bombs? What do you mean? I don't know how many people live there. In Japan? I don't know how many were there at the time. What the fuck are you talking about?

What was the numbers? What were the numbers looking like? Okay Let me fucking Loki, how many Japanese people got slaughtered? I was pretty god damn close! The bombings killed between 150 and 240 thousand motherfuckers

How long is your guess? 165 thousand Okay Do you want a fucking award or something? Am I a bad person because I was hoping it wasn't that many people? No, I just, I actually don't know how many people live in Japan either. I think it's like 7 million. Do you think it's 7 million? It's seriously a different number.

How many people live in Japan? I'm gonna say 11 million. Okay, I'm gonna say... 11 million Okay, I'm gonna go 7 million 124 million Hahahaha Technically 1 on that one Yeah, yeah Hahahaha

124 million That's nuts! Why did I think... All packed on those little islands Yeah! It's like the Mercator projection or whatever makes Japan look so small. There's no way they have that many motherfuckers. And I know that like... Alright. Um.

Okay, so obviously, okay it's your turn now because I asked the Japan. No. Yeah. No, I just asked like two in a row so you can go I went bombs and how many motherfuckers are Japanese? Okay? How How many American soldiers died in Vietnam I'm gonna go 68,000 I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go

25,000 58,000 220 So I was definitely closer Yeah, you were pretty much right little suspicious Makes you guys wonder if Jake was already looking up these in advance before I suggest thinking... Yeah... Okay... Oh, I like this song. It's making me think already. Your next question, sir. I just asked you a question.

I said my answer, I said $58,000. No, I said said 68,000, the answer was 58,000. Yes, I'm saying that's between the S and the A question. No, I did two in a row, you did another one. Oh, okay. You look up at list of wars. You cannot be out of wars. There's so many wars. Okay, without looking it up... What was the other side called in Operation Desert Storm?

I think it was...I think it was Iraq. I think it was...it was Iraq. I think Kuwait was involved yeah for sure yeah a problem between Iraq and 30 god damn Iraq and a coalition of 35 nations led by the UAE. We brought the entire neighborhood to that motherfucker. Can we say that- Does this say that Kuwait was involved in some capacity? Hahaha! Yes.

Hahaha! Looks like I was correct. Hahaha! Looks like daddy knows a thing or two about Kuwait. I didn't know which side they were on, but I knew that they were in some way involved. Iraq invaded the computer. Thank you to the first few episodes of the first season of Blowback. You know what's funny is I've listened to every season of that show and I've absorbed literally nothing.

Like, the only thing I really remember is that Douglas MacArthur's mom used to dress him up like this. That's literally the only thing I remember. Shout out Noah Cole. Um, great. Awesome, dude. Fucking awesome, buddy. Thank you for saying that. Okay, now you're time to hit me with a mind twister. Okay, uh, the what? A brain buster. Uh, brain buster?

Uh, go to the issue with brain buster. Uh, fucking... Blame Buster? Go to issue with Blame Buster? Errr... fucking... Okay... How many Native Americans died in the fucking genocide? Well, it depends on whether you agree that it was a genocide. Let's just assume that it was a healthy debate, that it was a brutal, blatant purposeful genocide. I'd say... it was definitely over a thousand. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, 20 million.

Okay. I'm gonna go, I'll go a hundred and, I'll go a hundred and ten million. That is half of how many people are in the United States today. There are 350 million people in this country. That is okay of how many people are in the United States today there are 350 million people. It's okay at third How many do you think they were laying it down like that Americans died Of alcohol poisoning last year no stop man, so if you're typing in I can see it Overall Stop man, so if you're typing in I can see it Overall The number of Native Americans who died the United States is miss it estimated to be in the millions the 96% population drop between 1492 and

1900 that sucks That sucks. 56 million indigenous people, 100 million more estimated over the course of 250 years. Well I would say over the course of 250 years a lot of people died. Okay. Alright, well I think both of us were off on that. I think I was right. Okay.

Well that's fine. Let me find a new song for us. I think that they were pumping those numbers up a little bit. The problem is that they communicated the numbers through a smoke signal. It's incredibly hard to count. This is where it's going for a minute. Also, it's like respect to them for

fighting, I mean they had guns and shit I think the French were giving them fucking muskets and stuff I hate to say it but a very I mean this is the best way, a very cowardly thing to

American natives I don't know if I would die the the the the the That's crazy. We're like the trail of wines. You heard it here first folks. The trail of wines. Oh. Is that blanket too itchy it's about to get way at you Dude

60 million and what for to build fucking crumble cookie? God damn, dude There's a fucking hell You know what? I don't believe in hell, I don't even believe in heaven. I actually believe that the more you kill people and don't care about human life, the better overall your life is. Like, in this world we live in now. Like, I genuinely believe that if you disregard the sanctity of human life and you don't believe that, you believe that suffering produces good outcomes and not bad Then you can have an amazing life here on this earth And if you at all care about people in any way at all it actually makes your life worse

Every guy I know that's like man. I feel really bad about the state of the world Their life sucks and every guy I know that works in like tech sales or like works I know two guys are working locking Martin with college with them their lives are awesome, dude Awesome. They're so awesome every Instagram post they have they're like on a boat They're drinking champagne and they don't even frown ever and ever anyway What you think what Andrew Jackson did exactly how many people died of aids during the crisis have died of it now it's crisis

like aids crisis like like peak aids was going on in africa right I didn't mean that That would push the numbers up as well no I'm talking about brother like here the music is what got me It was a crisis as well It's the same time Talking about like the American AIDS crisis like Freddie Mercury fucking and it wasn't just Keith Haring

Yeah, uh I'm gonna say here yeah million okay I'm gonna go half a million dead guys it's how I don't know how many gay dudes there are it's I mean it wasn't just gay dudes So it's like heroin addicts Straight dudes the AIDS epidemic

If you were a cool artist here, why did you put on like werewolf music for this? I don't know it didn't have a title It just said mp3 or MP354 is what it said. It's like something from The Witcher. As it turns out, they won't give me the fucking number for when the goddamn shit started. I mean... Oh, 1.1 million people. That's way more than I thought. You're pretty close. You said what? You said 1.2? I said 2 million.

Oh, yeah, you're pretty close. The AIDS crisis, the years are different for each person, but typically late 70s through mid 90s around 1 million people died That's pretty nuts Okay Go ahead, buddy And nearly 13,000 people with AIDS in the United States die each year still no that's straight horse shit because In 2023 six hundred and thirty thousand people died from HIV

In the United States Globally yeah, yeah, okay, I Think we've got a better hold of it. I do believe it. Yeah, we've got PrEP. It helps people out. Sound off in the comments if you're a gay guy. I saw a post and I think it was maybe just somebody making shit up. But if you know the answer to this let me know. PrEP has resulted in major cities and well they don't know if it's monocosal. PrEP caused it. But apparently there's been a spike in like lower level STDs in the homosexual and drug addict community. Precisely because the guys will take PrEP and then they'll just do no loads with used cum dumps in each other

fucking hours on hours and hours, weeks on weeks. And they end up with all different types of shit. It's not AIDS, which is pretty dope, but it is, you know, kind of like the acolytes. So like syphilis and gonorrhea and shit. Syphilis is no joke. I'm dead serious. Alright, your turn. Alright, I'd like some more upbeat music now. Okay. Alright, let me find something.

Uh, okay. Ha ha! Um... Uh... How...um... How many people on the british side do you think died in the revolutionary war? I'm gonna go

ninety thousand I'm gonna go forty five thousand Oh 45,000 Damn Okay 24,000 Well, that's that's casualties I don't know about deaths that's the deaths injuries missing 8,000 deaths brother. That wasn't a war that was a fucking Misunderstanding financially it was a big deal. Yeah

Fucking idiots, how do you lose to a bunch of fucking? literal like moose-fucking alcoholics with hunting rifles. Dumb asses. Because we were Americans Jake. And that's what Americans do. Because we fight for freedom and we win. I think if I'm not mistaken that the Minutemen and the Sons of Liberty were trained in guerrilla warfare by Native Americans who they then just kind of like killed and raped a bunch. Which is no good, I don't approve of that. But I think that's, if I'm not mistaken that is true.

It's the same thing that happened with us and Choppo. Yep. That is 100% accurate. I love this one dude, this is one of my favorite ones we have loaded up. This is like... Oh... Yeah... Give it there, bro. Yeah, too many times...

I come over to your apartment... and you look real sensual. Okay... It's your turn, Jake. It's your turn for me. Uh... Whoa... fuck. One second.

How many people died in the bubonic plague? The black death, the OG mother fucker. I love that question. Yeah, me too. I'm gonna go with 200 million. I think 55 million sexy motherfuckers died here. 55 people. Wiped out the 8th of, quarter of Europe.

Black Death Deaths. Black Death. Deaths told. Holy shit, the Black Death, also known as the Boubane, a plague killed between 25 million and 50 million people in Europe and North Africa between 1346 and 1353, two-thirds to half of the population in Europe at the time. I was only about 175 million off. Holy shit, that's a lot of dead for her fuckers.

90% of the people in Florence fucking die. 90% of the people named Florence, that's a lot of black deaths. Yeah. The disease called buboes. Or swellings and armpits. Crikey. We lost 90% of the Florence's. And don't even get me started on the Clarence's.

We lost nearly every single miles. Death toll ranging in 33 million for every Jamal in the whole of motherfucking North Africa. Alright Jake. You got the next one baby. How many people you think died at the Alamo? Fucking 300. I don't even think that was... I think I'm gonna go with 700.

Okay... I like that answer. How many died at the Alamo? Shit. The number of people who died at the battle of Alamo is disputed, but estimates range from 182 to 260 Texans and 600 to 1600 Mexicans. So in total, a range of 1000 to 2000. Shit. Ain't nobody remembering that shit.

How the fuck did the battle of Alamo have like a fourth of the whole total deaths of the British side of the American Revolution? We shouldn't have won that war. I Mean, yeah, yeah, fuck. How about the battle of the Gallim? You gotta win over her fucking spirit. You gotta win her heart right now. Win her bitch's heart over. How many people died in World War I in total? 170,000. Answered seriously.

I will not accept it. That is my answer. On every country involved in World War I, you were going to say 170,000. I'm going to say 90 million. You're going to say 90 million? Yeah. That seems incredibly high. 40 million was the actual answer.

40 million? Yeah. 40 million people? Yeah. What the hell were they playing with? Fucking lasers? What the hell? You're telling me Franz Ferdinand did all that?

Yeah. German Army suffered the most. Two million deaths. Oh, they suffered alright. They suffered being painted as villains forever. 100% don't agree with you back there. This subway takes guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100% disagree. Disagree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The French, the German army took all the blame for stuff that other countries were doing the whole time and all we did was actually do it. 100% agree.

And then the subway takes guy would be hugely problematic and that wouldn't be okay. So that doesn't happen. That would suck for him. Okay. Did you hear he died? Who? The Subway Takes guy. No, I didn't.

Yeah, he passed away. That's not to rip to him. I'm getting money though. Oh my god. I just got an email about him. He just died again. So they brought him back to life again. Let me refresh this. I'm sorry. I'm getting another message here.

Jesus Christ, could this get any worse? The subway takes guy just passed away for a third time. I'm so sorry to hear that. They tried to resuscitate him by putting a gold penis into his mouth. It didn't work. I would have messed. They're going to put another one in there. I can't believe that didn't work. I would have asked. They're gonna put another one in there. I can't believe that didn't work.

I can't believe it. I was almost certain that it would. We were pretty sure it would work. That's why they keep one on the truck. Fuck. But thankfully they keep a second one on the truck too and they're gonna put that one in his mouth at the same time. Wait, are you getting a message? Okay. Oh my god. We lost him.

They even tried putting it in his butt, one in his butt and the other in his mouth. No. And then they put a third one between his feet. And they got his feet really wet. No... His last words were... 100% I am passing away. It is so sad. He actually, he was supposed to be interviewing

ASAP12y next week. And afterwards he was going to be interviewing. Oh my God. This is all starting to make sense. His next interview. Richard Lewis. who passed away last year. I think all this happened for a reason. He always said that if there's one thing he wanted to do before he went to heaven, it was to interview Richard Lewis, who conveniently is in hell.

Because he was an atheist. Because he was Jewish looking. He was Jewish. He was Jewish. And not just because he was on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was for other reasons too. But he was on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was for other reasons too. But he was a good man. But sometimes it just turns out that, it turns out the Muslims are down there too.

I'm not happy about it, nobody is. Bill Clinton. The Christians are also down there. Bill, what are you doing here, Bill? I'm doing what I can. With your help, me and Hillary can finally complete our mission of raping every child For just one dollar a day. For just one dollar. You two can help plant stupid ass crops in Haiti or something. We're gonna bury Jimmy across the oceans and we're gonna hunt down kids with a helicopter like they do with wild hogs in Texas. And it only happens because of

you. Thank you Bill. Rest in peace to the Subway Jakes guy. What if his name was Subway Jakes? I think maybe I could move to New York and be like a humans in New York guy. I'm not personable and I don't like hearing like about people's like weird stuff. I like to tell stuff to people but I don't so if I were to run into a guy on the subway he's like yeah you know it all went wrong when Karla died and I'd be like Karla? He'd be like yeah I was a carpenter I was like you're a carpenter and you were married to a woman named Karla? He'd be like yeah we lived in Carlisle and I would say that's a coincidence he's like I've been taking a lot of fentanyl since then and I

don't understand what's going to happen to me and I'd be like that's I coincidence. He's like, I've been taking a lot of fentanyl since then and I don't understand what's gonna happen to me. And I'd be like, that's, I guess I'm supposed to take a picture or something and post it on Instagram and people comment like, can we help him? Can we get him some money? And I'm gonna start a GoFundMe for you, but it's gonna be for me.

Because I really like going to the bar. I'm sorry you got addicted to pills buddy. But I'm addicted to pills too and I need that money. I miss my daughter. Her name is Carpa. Carpa? Yeah, short for Carpidium. What happened to her? She was in Carlyle with her friend Car and they were just driving in a car and it did a carpet around. It did a carpet wheel. There was another car

around there was another car with a sticker on the back they had a guy doing a cartwheel and they looked back at their car cuz I had some cargo in it which is carpet. Bill are you back? Well, I don't know. Bill! I'm sorry. I can't believe you, what are you doing here't believe you, Bill. What are you doing here? I'm so, I'm so high. What are you, what are you doing here in New York?

The adrenochrome. Jake. It takes me places. Jake. Jake, I need your touch. No, Bill, I think I- I miss your touch. That was a long time ago, buddy.

I need it. Alright, let me just one more time. I don't think I could go without your touch, Jake. Bill's of New York. Bill, I told you, no more sucky. No more sucky. My wife is a vampire for cock. She'll fuck anybody. She'll fuck anything I don't know I don't know how much longer I can go without fucking stupid fat wife

bill brother thank you so big fat like a pig thank you for coming on. She's so big and fat. Like a pig. Bill, thank you for coming on again, brother. More like pigly squeaking or squawking. Oinking, that's what pigs do. Took you a while, Bill. I knew you'd get there. I wanted to let you hold on to that one.

Pigly squeaking. Hey, my name's Pigly Squeaky. Oh, baby. Baby girl, I'm squeaky clean just like a pig. Because you know a pig be squeaky. That's the sound of a pig. You know what that sound is. It's a squeak. That's a squeak. That's a squeak. Maybe what a sound a pig make.

Squeak, that's correct. Squeak! Squeak squeak! That's the sound of a pig baby. Yeah, I'ma pig for you baby squeak. Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak baby baby hold on don't leave don't leave don't leave you ain't even heard the sound of pig be making squeak and pigs oink. Get the fuck out, bitch! This pig be squeaking.

My pig squeak! Squeak! My name is Pig Williams Squeak. Squeak! I come from a long line of squeaky ass motherfuckers. Squeak! Squeak, baby! Ugh! Goddamn! I got that pig dick so big and make you squeak

squeak squeak oh man a lot of motherfuckers think a pig be oinking and some of them do but a pig also be squeaking I got the bed squeaking like a pig squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak. Yeah. I be tiptoeing around the house like a motherfucking pig. Oh I got my shit curled up. Nice and tight. Squeaky squeaky. Yeah.

Pig William Squeaker. squeaky squeaky yeah pig william squeaker that's it baby girl, i don't know if you know i don't know if you know how pig william squeaker gets around town yeah squeak welcome to the hog house

Ha ha. Squeak. Welcome to the hog house. Ha ha. Ah, la la la. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa.

That's what it's going to sound like. First I get to eat, and then you get to squeak. Squeak. First I get to squeak, and then you get to leaking Squeak squeak squeak squeak First I get to sneaking and then I'll make you squeaking Squeak and leak it leak Then we go streaking after we start squeaking

And we could do this every weekend do this every weekend squeak squeak I get the squeaking bitch pig William squeaker out the speakers fresh pair of sneakers whole roster of squeakers you know I'm looking sleeker I need a milk cause I'm meeker. I take the pills and the bleachers. I love football, bitch. Pig skin starts to squeaker. I'm at the high school football game.

I'm off to Street Press Oxy. I don't even got a kid who be playin' out here. It's just Friday night in beautiful Ateska City, Texas. I dropped out of here 22 years ago, bitch, but I'm trying to get you squeaking. Squeak squeak. Squeaking freaky freaky ass squeaky ass bitch. Freaky ass, squeaky ass bitch. This goes out to that special lady who's been haunting my house and putting, trying to, trying to create havoc in my life, trying to create strife in my family, my household.

Get out of here. Get out of here, lady. You got my house haunted. I need you out of my house knocking over my stuff You tell my wife that I'm at work but I'm tied up In the basement and you're putting chips into my head While my wife's at work creating sauce in my cereal So when I pour it out it's already wet I don't like it, I like it to start out dry So stop doing that, stop doing that, Miss Beatrix The ghost of the house says you better be leaving it

I like my wife Judith so don't put her jewelry in the trash every time I go to sleep and stop making marks on my skin when I shower. I hate you Beatrix so please stop putting my microwave on the outside I like my wiper microwave in my house and without a government interference into it and when I turn on my radio but talking to me just talk to yourself and don't say nothing to me that's a great one thank. I like that song. This is by Harold Rutherford. Wait, that's off of his album Haunted Lover, isn't it? Yeah.

I know you're feeling this. It don't work. What don't work? My dick don't work. It don't work. Yeah yeah it stop working. After the ghost came in my house, it used to work good, used to work good. And now it don't work, now it don't work So when you texted on my phone, baby, said you wanted a bone

That's when the ghost came into my house That's why it don't work, baby, girl It's the ghost Why it don't work baby girl Why it don't work The ghost of my house It makes my day It's why it don't work Why it don't work Why it don't work It's not because I have mental disease

Thank you. Uh, okay, what else? Let me play it. Let me do it. Oh, ha ha ha! There it goes. Ha ha! Do the candy dance. Do the candy dance.

Eat peach candy. Do the candy dance, do the candy dance, eat peach candy, do the candy dance. M&M's, Skittles, Mars bars, Hershey's, Reese's, Twizzlers. Do the candy dance, M&M's, Skittles, Twizzlers, Rolos, Nudge Clusters, Skittles Do the candy dance I like to eat my candy You like to eat my candy You gotta bring your own candy And we can do the candy dance Then we can do the candy dance

Come around and do the candy dance Come around and wear your candy pants And then we can do the candy dance Rollos, Twizzlers, Nerds, Sweet Tarts, Gum, Chewy, Yes, Sweetheart Do the candy dance, do the candy dance, do the candy dance, do the candy dance I work here I do the candy dance, that's my job I do the candy dance I work here. I do the candy dance. That's my job I do the candy dance when I come to work over my candy shirt and best believe over my candy pants Twizzlers Rolos

races racist pieces Twizzlers Rolos sweet tarts nerds Use candy dance use candy dance that's something that like a retarded serial killer sings chops your leg off he's like chained to a fucking nascar bed just say hello

welcome to the dungeon oh my god. I'm kinda tired of this one. I've done a lot of that one. I'm tired of that one too. I don't like that one either. I'd drive but I've been drinking I know I said I wouldn't do that again But I've been having fun with my friend He showed me a new type of dance

It's the candy dance Twizzlers and Rolos The candy dance? The candy dance of starbursts too You and me we were meant to be I was meant to eat candy and drive drunk And that's all I'm falling down And that's all I'm falling down Why are you looking at me like that? Cause I'm the candy man. I do everything that the candy can. I'll stick to your skin, I'll stick to your bones, I'll stick to your teeth, I'll stick to your belly, I'll stick to your butt.

Stick to your legs, and I'll stick to your head, and I'll stick to your eyes, stick to your neck, stick to your belly I'll stick to your butt stick to your legs and I'll stick to your head and I'll stick to your eyes stick to your neck stick to your tongue and I'll stick to your head and I'll stick to your chest and stick to your belly I'm a candy man and I'm a scary guy and I hurt everybody in the neighborhood and I hurt the children And I don't take my medicine The governor said please take your medicine The president said I had to take my medicine The governor said I have to take my medicine And that's why I was pulling all the doorknobs out of my house and replacing them with pistols And so when I could open the door I'd shoot everybody And if you're at my house then you're a ghost in there Because I killed people that live there Do the candy dance?

Yeah, do the candy dance. Give me the one that says pop punk. Okay. Yeah, I got you That's my that's one of my favorite ones. It's so much fun It's really long though, just so you know It's really long it's really fucking Yeah, it's fun. I Like ice cream. I like chips and I like pretzels Eating snacks at my house fun, and this is yes, yo Having friends to eat my pizza bison candy

Taste real yummy after church. I have the snacks Do you want to eat a spaghetti with a real crazy guy do you want to eat a piece of pretzels with a crazy man do you want to eat M&M's with a guy who doesn't have like to eat pieces of pasta. I like to eat a piece of candy. Do you want to eat a big piece of pasta? Do you want to eat a big piece of candy? Do you want to eat a big piece of pizza? Do you want a big piece of pizza?

Do you want to eat a big piece of broccoli? Do you want to eat a big piece of balsy? Do you want a big piece of broccoli? Do you want to eat because you're really bouncy? Do you want to be the motherfucking bouncy? I don't have uncles anymore cause they all left me I don't have aunts anymore because of fires I do not like our son I just think that people do it I do not like candy but I I think that I'd like to eat it Do you wanna know what happened to my family?

Do you wanna know what happened to all my cheese? I ate it I ate it I had a shark in a report and I ate it And now I feel really good Really good My teeth feel good My teeth feel good

From all my nerds From all my snacks My wheat and grain My meat attack I don't have any problems All I have is candy My meat attack. I don't have any problems. All I have is candy. I don't have any family. But I just won five Grammys. For eating a million pizzas and having a fun time at church.

And then I go eat cereal. And then I go eat cereal. Have you ever had a big bowl of cereal? Have you ever had a big, big cereal? Have you ever had a big big steak? With a big piece of broccoli? And a great big butter cake? And a great big pound cake? And a white and fluffy cake?

And I have a million friends And one of them is named Jake And he does the candy dance And we do the candy dance Candy shirt, candy tie, candy pants Candy suit and we are the candy mans And we do the candy dance And we have a couple of demands Such as you better get a dance And you should show us your hands

That was a really good one man That might be one of my favorites you've ever done. Ah, that was actually really physically painful. Yeah, it was a really long song. It's tough. Yeah, that was three minutes and eight seconds. Yeah. Every dog in the neighborhood I'm gonna paint it Every cat in the neighborhood I'm gonna clean it Every mouse in the neighborhood I'm gonna trim it Every cat in the neighborhood I'm gonna win it

If you go inside my basement I got every animal that lives in the neighborhood And if you go in my attic I've got the rest of the animals from everywhere across the street And I clean all the cats And I'll paint all the dogs green And I'll pull out all their teeth I don't got nobody at the house to tell me what to do I don't got a mom or a dad or a swimming pool I just got all of this Lamictal that I found at the pharmacy And it makes my skin red and it makes my teeth hurt And it makes the man in the house louder

It makes him scream Oh, yeah Okay, fuck I got myself pretty good that last part. You take this next one too, because I took that really long and I'm honestly pretty winded. Okay. Oh yeah, good. I went to plug in my phone charger. And then the outlet was a small camera so I had to check all the outlets for cameras and what did I find 15 more cameras in my house and some of them were blinking red which means record

I'm blinking red which means record Which means they were recording me in my house And so I checked on my smoke alarms and there were microphones in there And then I checked my TV and it had thermal imaging in it So you can see a full panel of my body heat of my body heat and all the cameras are starting to bleep and all the microphones are turning green which means they're recording me they're recording my bones and my skin. And they recorded my legs. And I can't even get out of my house because

the government took my front door. And they took my back door. And all of my windows are made of bricks Have you seen that movie, Skin of Marek That happens to me about every day? Have you seen that movie, Memento? Me neither Cameras are recording me, recording me Cameras are recording me, recording me, cameras are recording me, in my sleep, microphones recording me, when I squeak, cameras are recording me, when I speak, everybody's seeing me, in 3D.

3D Oh shit, I didn't mean to click that one. That's what everybody said when they heard that We got we can end it on a sweet love ballad that's fine with me wait God damn it We just play royalty free full songs Would you know what the problem is with the ones that you uploaded is they all say no copyright music Yeah, no name Literally no idea what any of these are a lot of them are the same thing I think Okay, that's fine. This is six minutes long so I feel like

Maybe you're being we split it up. We call okay. That's fine. This is six minutes long, so I feel like maybe you and me, we can split it up, we can call it. Okay. That's fine. I can start. I'll start. You kick her off. Okay. Taking a picture of you While you're dancing with him Taking a picture of my phone

While the video plays of you Dancing with him I'm starting to think that you want to break up with me I'm starting to think that you do not fall in love with me I know it's hard for you to understand that I am just the cleaning man at your high school. The cleaning man at your high school. But I sit back at night and I drink a big glass of milk. I get from the cafeteria and I take a picture of my phone while it plays a video the softball teacher made of all the players playing softball. I wish you were on the team and if you were on the team you'd play good. good but you spend all your time with that other guy he's 16 and buff I know it's hard to love a man who's 63 and has a pacemaker And a wife and family

But you'll learn We'll both learn How to make this work How to make this work I came all the way here from Billings Montana. People that lived there said I couldn't live there anymore. So I came to Tempe to clean up your high school and little did I know that I'd find Oh I'd find a sixteen year old girl who also lied country and had a blue jean hat. And when I see you dancing with him in the moonlight I think of my wife Wait, it still says two minutes.

What happened? Hold on a minute. It's two minutes of silence Fuck this sounded like a modest mouth song Damnit if you're listening to this, thank you for checking it out Head on over to YouTube and go to Pendeo Time Worldwide and check out all of our video episodes, our free ones, check out the sketch it's called Big Fat Frog. I run those numbers up. Check out if you can my little 20 minute stand-up thingy there. And then if you want even more premium content,

you want more, you want more Padao time, go over to Padao time, patreon.com slash Padao time and tosses $1. That'll get you access to the Discord and nothing else. Five bucks gets you access to the Discord and an entire backlog of audio and audio episodes. I think like 300 something at this point. If you want video episodes, it's 10 bucks a month,

a whole backlog of those on there. Plus all the audio episodes and discord access. 50 bucks a month, you get all that stuff and then nothing else. But you can just be a rich guy that gives us money. Alright, oh, if you are in, Chicago sold out. Thank you everybody that got tickets on the second round. If you didn't, my apologies. That sold out really fast. So thank you guys for buying tickets. We will have merch. We'll have our sweaters. We need to get a new design going soon. But we will have Pendejo time sweaters. If you

didn't get one in the last run, we will have them. Or if you want to get another one for your dog or loved one. And then February 1st, I will be at the Ideal Theater doing stand-up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. If you want tickets to that, it's my buddy Matt he's from there so he's headlining go to Matt bandwork comm and scroll on down and You can catch tickets to see that show They have two shows an early show and late show so feel free to grab both Thomas what do you get going on? I

Should probably should probably do a spot soon Come on man, you got I'm working I'm working on it I'm gonna I'm gonna get something going soon. You guys are gonna be really impressed once I get one of these spots If I'll try to guilt trip Adam and letting me host funny moms or something Yeah, just dude just go on taffs. Just you just go you're there fucking just just text Adam and let me come back on the show like like I don't think that I I'm sure he would say yes or Nick or whoever. It would be funny if he was like can you just bring it. If you don't

get Jake to fly up here again I'm never fucking fucking hanging out with you again It's just like that that whole like half the episode. He's just been like this guy This guy is like look listen after the way last episode went Nick insists that Jake's here with no dice Absolutely no dice and You guys can't come back on the show Yeah fucking Dude, what was that mic that we did that we paid like two dollars to do it? The tiny cupboard. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, go do

those. Your set was good on that one. Yeah, that was the only time I've ever done well at an open mic here. Oh really? So I'm glad you were here for it. Because I thought, dude, I'm actually, I actually have a really good five minute set. And then that set did badly at about eight other mics. And I went, all right, well, I think it might've been like kind of the energy of just coming up with something. I don't think it was like I struck gold, but it's good to, it's good to try stuff out and know which things are just work for specific eight people for some reason, you know, yeah for sure. I keep trying the I keep trying to like

This bit I have about Like wearing a big t-shirt to bed with my balls out some people really like it but a lot of people really think that it's stupid This is I'm just trying to you know know, like, oh, you've slept like a... Anyway, I'm not gonna do my own shit on here. Thanks for listening, guys. Goodbye. Goodbye.