Pendejo Time - pinocchio's theorem

Episode Date: December 31, 2020

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Hello. Hey there. Hey, what's up, man? What's up, brother? What's up, dude? I was just trying to figure out, what's the thing where it spirals in, you know, like a snail? It's like a... Fibonacci sequence? I was thinking Pinocchio.

I was like, is it Pinocchio theorem or something, but I knew that couldn't be right. But that is what you were thinking of, yeah? Yeah, I mean, I didn't know the name for it. I knew it was... Pinocchio theorem. I know it's not Pinocchio theorem, but that's what my head was telling me.

Yeah. Tool writes songs in the Pinocchio theorem. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's because the more they play, the longer the song gets. Yep. That's actually objectively true. Yeah.

One of the easiest hacks, and me and you, we've been in the music industry for a long time. 50 years. Me, I started, I was in a musical in fourth grade, Christmas themed. Jake, I assume was a roadie for the Grateful Dead or something like that. Cause I'm 50. Yeah. Yeah. No, but i mean the and pink floyd figured this out pretty early but if you want to fill up an album you can just keep you can keep playing

the same song pretty much forever i guess you can play the same chords for like five hours and if you're if your prime audience is guys who like eat acid and like drive for Lyft or whatever which is most of my friends so I'm not saying anything bad necessarily then you can just like release that album to wide critical acclaim

yeah a lot of people drove for Lyft back then yeah Lyft was a big thing back in the 1972 yeah I uh I used to drive and uh for this one that was like specific to Austin called Fasten and uh because Austin had this weird thing where Lyft uber left for a little bit and so a bunch popped up and uh dude one time i was driving for i i would only drive thursday through sunday because that's when i made the most money and it made sense for my car because i had like a stupid sabbath yeah but i know but come on i'm not i don't wear the little hat all right yeah we uh so let's just let's keep that to a minimum, by the way.

You need to, we need to tone down on that. Tone down on what? We need to tone down on the, this is a pro-Israel podcast. So down with Palestine. So anyway, I was, so I would drive a lot uh I would drive a lot near fraternity and sorority row near UT because um you would just always get calls like bing bing bing you get like notifications during like college night or Thursdays or whatever the most I mean obviously it comes like it goes without saying the most disrespectful people like that you could possibly come across and i remember one time uh i had uh this was like my baby this is like my

i was an impala super sport i had had some work done to it um very fast car very nice car um i didn't have trash in it like all my other cars well i did for a little bit but you know very nice car anyway nice car blah blah blah i pick up well there's several stories that go with this over overall big team but one time this guy got in a full tuxedo and this young girl got in and i picked them from a fraternity i guess they were going to some like racist like future child trafficker type meeting you know and um they're not saying anything which is par for course for most like you know ride sharing things and then i start hearing in the back like really distinctly and look at my rearview mirror and they're both hitting key bumps like middle of 35 now at the time i was fucking around but i was like

there's just cops everywhere if they get if we could pull over like it doesn't matter anyway i was like hey man yeah i was like hey man can you uh can you like stop doing that in my car and uh like without skipping a beat he goes oh i have a cold And like without skipping a beat, he goes, oh, I have a cold. And I was like, oh, yeah, it's like because I have a rearview mirror that I can direct the reverse. And I can like I can see that you are taking a key, your house key, I imagine, and you're putting it in a bag of white powder and then you're giving it to the giggly girl next to you and then you're doing it that and then he's like no all right man we'll chill sorry and i'm like i'm not like a cop or anything it's just like we could pull over he's like no i get it dude i get it you know i'm pre-law i get it shut the fuck up like i will beat the dog shit anyway so we get like i'm not kidding like two more exits

down the road and i guess because we had that conversation that competition he got friendly or whatever he was like hey man can i get the aux and i was like yeah sure i don't give a fuck so i had an aux and he's playing like uh this was 2000 he's playing uh uh the album drake and featured it together uh the i know what a time to be alive yeah that one and so he's playing all the singles off that and it's loud and the speaker system my car but again again dude i'm in the car with this guy and his girlfriend i'm guessing they're trying to mask the sound of them continuing to do coke with the but it's so it's like you know like jump man jump that boy's up to something and i and i'm like i turn it down i'm like dude please put it away and he's like man i'm just

super sniffly back here like he thinks it's funny now and yeah and i'm like dude i'll just like pull we were in the middle of 35 the highway that runs through austin i was like dude i can just pull over and let you guys out and then like complain and then i get money it doesn't really matter to me you can rate me low but like i'll just say you had drugs or whatever i don't even want to snitch but like you've made this you've upset me yeah but like i'll just say you had drugs or whatever i don't even want to snitch but like you've made this you've upset me yeah you've i don't i'm not gonna snitch but you i'm pissed now he's like just takes down the road man like i'm sorry but i'm i'm just you know it's we're going to a formal i was like dude i don't care anyway we get to the thing and uh i drop him off in front

of this bar which was like had a bunch of security So I'm guessing it was like a fraternity bar or whatever. And before he gets out, he comes around to the driver's side window and he like taps on it. And I'm like, what the fuck does this guy want now? He's like, Hey man, if you five-star me, I'll give you the rest of this. And I was like, Oh, in my head, I was like, cause I was doing COVID time. I was like, what is it like a 20? Like I wasn't going to below star you,

but since you offered let's bargain, you know, like I was going to give you five and eight because I'm not that kind of an asshole, but since you offered let's play games, you know? And I was like, all right, well, what do you got? And he just like reached into his jacket pocket and just like, it's just like a sack, like a big one. He's like, you can have this. He's like, we have like half an ounce at the bar. I don't care about this.

And I was like, all right, man, I'll tell the president of the company himself that you sucked my penis on the way to the bar and it was the best suck I ever got. There was another time too where they fucking, I don't mean to ramble, but I pulled up in front of a fraternity uh and i had it was a typical fucking four-door sedan it was a muscle

car but it was still like one passenger seat three fucking seats in the back and this actually happened more than once but this was a particularly weird one where like nine guys were sitting out front and i was like oh yeah they called two or whatever so i pull up and uh like one guy gets in the front three guys get in the back and then a second guy gets in the front sits in that guy's lap and then like five guys pile in like belly to ass and they're like hey we're going to aquarium on sixth street it's like and like i worked at that bar and i knew that it was like a frat heavy bar and i was like hey can you guys like call another one and they're like dude it's like six minutes down the road and I was like okay but like my car sits low to the ground because I'm an asshole

yeah and uh now there's like 3,000 no not that's an exaggeration this wasn't the fat fraternity you had a skid steer on the back of that thing there's probably like a thousand pounds of man in this car so like I need you guys to like call another one and they were like dude be cool like just be cool about it and I was like look man I'm a cool guy

I'm a pretty chill guy it doesn't matter about that if I get pulled over and there's like 15 men clowns stacked in my already loud as shit, stupid as fuck muscle car, then I'm assuming, by the way, I'm assuming a lot of you have cocaine on you and they're like, yeah, every one of us. okay so like let's just talk like adults like call a second one and they're like no and i'm like and i was feeling kind of i was already pissed i was like dude you're not paying for this your dad's paying for it i'm guessing right and they were like oh no and i'm like you don't have to lie to me dude if i had your life i would flaunt it i'd be like yeah i'm gonna fuck her up by your car right now i'll drive it the fuck but i don't have your life so suck my penis i'm the one driving you idiots anyway it fizzled out yeah

they were like uh they were they were literally trying to get me to clown car them to their like fraternity like rush meeting or whatever and i was like not for like what essentially amounts to seven dollars if we were driving across austin and it was like a hundred dollar drive yeah i'd probably do it but like it was like a five you know like like yeah yeah but they just didn't under these these were guys you know who had never heard the word no i guess you know yeah no delivery driving and and uh because that's that's the closest thing i can really say i've done i i don't think uh i think i might be, I'm not sure if I'm still allowed on Uber, not because I've ever been on there, but because I messed with the website a bunch and I

didn't, I messed up my account. Anyway, I thought you could pay with cash on there and that's not the case. Anyway, with delivery driving though it's it's funny like just how um like how badly corporations want to phase you out but they haven't figured out like how to replace you yet yeah like like if if they could just shoot you in the back of the head in a storage closet and send a robot, they would do it, no hesitation. And that goes down even to like the assistant managers. But it's funny to be that inefficient of a tool in like a delivery chain.

Like I remember when I worked at Jimmy John's, first off, I hit a car on my second day. So that was solid. But the round trip delivery time was supposed to be 11 minutes max. And they had a five minute delivery radius. So if somebody didn't answer their door for two minutes, you might get in trouble. It was awesome. So if somebody didn't answer their door for two minutes, you might get in trouble. It was awesome.

But yeah, I used to, I remember I used to just want to sometimes like, you know, bring a gun or something, you know, and then if somebody doesn't answer their door, you know, you can just. Do you ever think about that? You just think about dumping a mag through a guy's phone. Yeah. I, of all the stupid jobs i had i never like actually delivered pizza which is weird because that's like one of

the cliche ones you know yeah yeah it's like one of the standard bad jobs you can have but not like not like bad enough to where people like are like oh man that's tough it's just like oh man you're poor i get all these people not not all these people, dude. Honestly, these are super rare, but I've gotten a couple of people who've like, I guess, tried to like challenge my like life narrative that I let leak through Twitter or whatever. And some people are like, hey man, how did you have a cocaine problem? But you were poor, which like, by the way, that's like, uh, like not hard to do if you're like addicted to drink.

Yeah. Cause you only have to do, uh, that way you only have to do a little bit you know sure i spent all my 40 bucks for this week you know like if it's just a fundamental misunderstanding of like what it means to like not be just a guy that parties in the weekends but be a guy that's like yeah i need this to like uh drive my car and like yeah you know anyway anyway uh you know i and some person like asked and it got me thinking and i was like oh yeah like so when i was an undergrad and i guess it's been enough time i don't know the statute of limitations and stuff i didn't traffic children by the way um i wrote papers because he wasn't a hustler yeah i wasn't i wasn't i wasn't on my about my bag yeah you go chase that bag no matter no matter

where it's tied you know i uh i wrote papers for money while i was in college uh and it started off as a small word of mouth thing and i did it for a couple friends but like anything else like word gets around or whatever and uh you know by like my sophomore year I was making like a pretty like again I didn't put any of this money away I saw this as free money I like writing it's easy to me I'm not flexing but it's just it is so oh somebody can read oh somebody yeah anyway um and so i was like uh i had to watch that if any of you we have this on video and um i'm the only one even even jake didn't have to see that because he wasn't looking at the camera i saw that and my eyes sort of glazed over it was like um because you're used to seeing something like that no it was sort of the opposite actually um this is actually the first time i've ever seen anything like that um no i think you've seen that every no i think you never i think you see stuff like

that a lot no i've actually never had for that's right no no you were so taken aback because you see it so much that it gives you peace. That's not true. Let's not lie on the podcast, guys. Let's not. Anyway. So I anyway,

different ways to look at it, I guess. I guess we can just move on because we're going to agree to disagree on this one. You know, we don't always have to see eye to eye, me and Thomas. Well, that's not the angle I was getting. So anyway, I'm writing papers for money

and the school was an international school and there would be kids. Ugh, I'm just kidding. I'm just playing yeah so i didn't know you grew up that hard man i thought you're just trailer trash no they fucking so anyway they're like uh there would be these kids that would come that never came from they'd never been to america and they were from saudi arabia and they like they just had a lot of money from their parents and so when the word got around because i was just doing it for friends it got to like that side of the school and not just kids from like kids that were from

here but their parents just had a ton of money and they didn't know what like what 200 was or even like 800 and so like i they would be like hey brother uh i have like a three-page paper dude what does that cost and i'm like i don't know man you can name your price and i'll probably do it you know when's it due and they're like oh like in a week and i'm like yeah that's fine and they're like uh is like 700 enough and like i would charge my friends like 15 bucks a page so like like 45 50 bucks maybe if it was like three and a half four but like people i didn't know like if they said a number the negotiation was over you know i didn't yeah i'm not gonna talk you down from 700 to like less than 100 dollars and so i'd be like man that's uh that's super generous and they'd be like yeah i just really like don't want to do it and i need an a and you got my buddy an a so i just like i don't really

care like do you want more and i'd be like it would be i almost was like stop yeah like cut it out you know and uh it's like dude i actually have like way too much money it wasn't about that because i would listen man it was it was more about like it was more about like uh in my mind we were all college students and broke because that's like the stereotype about college students but the people i did work like the students i did work for like that just wasn't the case for them but it it felt as though i was still talking to like your average like 19 20 year old or whatever so anyway i would take on like these papers and word got out and i don't know i never i never got caught doing it but i remember i got

an email one time this guy did paper for routinely was like hey my professor asked me who wrote this in office hours and i was like okay what did you say and he was like somebody else and i was like are you stupid he was like no i was scared and i was like they can't do anything to you your parents you're not on scholarship they pay full tuition they're not going to expel you like you're you know yeah he was i was like did you say my name and he was like no but i did say it was someone who went here and i was like it was a small school i went to yeah i was like so i kind of like put everything on hiatus for a bit like i went underground you know i stopped taking jobs like expendables like fast and furious yeah yeah like you like you

killed people for a living and you just you just wrote about how andrew jackson was good or bad. You got to decide. Yeah, exactly. And it got to the point where like, I had a couple of semesters where like my grades were slipping because I liked money or not even, because I had cheap rent at the time. So I just liked, like I liked having a lot of drug money,

a lot of liquor money, as opposed to just having like doing, getting good grades on my own shit or whatever. So I was like, yeah, I'll take, like, I liked having a lot of drug money, a lot of liquor money, as opposed to just having, like, doing, getting good grades on my own shit or whatever. So I was like, yeah, I'll take on like, you know, 20 or 30. I called them clients. Like what I was doing was like being a doctor or like a therapist. I would literally like, it was important. Yeah. I was such a little fucking, dude. I was like, sorry, I got to do client work. And then somebody at the bar would be like, oh, what are you like an insurance agent or a lawyer or a therapist or a doctor? I was like, sorry, I got to do client work. And then somebody at the bar be like, Oh, what are you like an insurance agent or a lawyer or a therapist or a doctor? I'm like, no, I commit academic dishonesty and I cheat people out of like money to like buy

high quality LSD and, and paying. That's what I do. And they're willing to pay it. Cause they're rich kids, but you know, it still doesn't. And they're like, Oh yeah, you're a piece of shit. I'm like, yeah, a hundred percent, whatever. Anyway. Yeah. It's like Wolf of wall street. If you've made $25,000 a year. Yeah. That's what's funny is like, I talk about like, Oh, I made so much money doing it,

but I guess cause I was 19 and I was bartending too, that it was a lot of money, but it was probably, yeah. Something like $12,000 dollars like just something like below yeah yeah my idea of like a good job has gone from like fourteen dollars an hour you know in high school to now it's like you know now i make so much money i don't even know you know hey don't even know. Don't you make like $440,000 a year or something?

Yeah, that's why I'm recording this on a laptop from 2008. But you're a humble guy. You're like Warren Buffett. Yeah, I'm a lot like Warren Buffett in terms of just so many things about me. I was trying to remember one thing about Warren Buffett. I couldn't. He's like Bill Gates, but with He's older, I think. Yeah.

Berkshire Hathaway. That's the company. Yeah. I remember we talked about it in the last one, so I'm not going to get into it, but the ways in which people like, you know. No, he gave

they gave money to he has the same house and his kids they'll get as if they don't have like you know by the way premier leftist podcast or whatever yeah we're the new um you know i don't really listen to podcasts i don't really know what's out there i hear that like people tweet that but i don't listen to enough podcasts to have an understanding of who the premier left this podcast would be.

So that's a joke I just see people do. And I think it's funny for this one because it's mostly just you and me because we don't really talk outside of the podcast for those who think maybe we're good friends. Nope. We're not. This is all business. It's strictly business. Yeah. business it's strictly business yeah i we're a lot like um we're a lot like the myth busters and um jake is a lot more like adam adam savage than i am just in terms of you know like

childhood and stuff like that i mean don't even worry about it but that's who you are and then i'm um jamie heinemann because i have a cool mustache and i'm quiet yeah yeah you're i don't i don't have a cool mustache but dude mine's worse because you can't even see it usually uh i've been growing it out for like two months but see mine is like close but it doesn't connect in the very middle mine doesn't either mine doesn't connect most places yeah and you're like 15 years older than me also yeah i'm i'm 55 years old yeah see mine my cheeks haven't filled in beard wise but i still got the the cholo beard here you got the chin strap kind of thing yeah yeah i think uh i was talking to some people who listen to this and some people who like follow us or whatever.

One of them was my girlfriend and we were talking about how it's funny that she was like, isn't he like younger than you? And I was like, yeah. She's like, he looks like he's like older, like, like 38. I'm like, no, I just look like I'm 19 and he looks like a guy in his early 20s. And she's like, oh yeah. Yeah. Well, she didn't say that.

I said that, but you know. People usually think I'm like 24, something like that, which isn't too bad. Did I get carded for jewel pods? I was just talking about this in the DMs before we start. One time I remember getting carded at rated R movie at like 23. people one time i remember getting carded at rated r movie at like 23 uh and granted i was like in like like basketball like blown out basketball shorts and a dirty t-shirt like i wasn't i was going to see a movie and to get drunk with my friends and i wasn't so i just dressed like

maybe it was the way i was dressed or i just shaved it anyway they were like can i see your id it was it was a it was a person who was clearly or I just shaved it. Anyway, they were like, can I see your ID? It was a person who was clearly like a pimply-faced 16-year-old working. And they were like, hey, man, can I see your ID? Because, you know, curfew. And I was like, dude, I'm 23 years old. And they're like, no, you're not. And, like, that's not – they don't get paid enough to say that.

But I was like, look at my... Look at me. Look at... And so I showed him my ID because it was... I guess maybe he was being more adamant due to the fact that it was a draft house, so they served alcohol and shit. Yeah, yeah.

But I was like, dude, I graduated college two years ago. I have a job. I pay taxes. I'm in so much credit card debt my dick stopped working like recently um yeah just normal stuff you tell a 16 year old yeah it's normal stuff you tell a child i guess you know stuff that you would you know and of course you know he was super understanding of all those things uh yeah as most you know because you would know all about how teenagers respond to stuff like that i wouldn't but yeah i got carded getting some red man the other day a little bit of red man uh a dabble um yeah i i like to rotate my nicotine usage because I get, I realized I was spending like $300 a month on those puff bars.

And so I stopped doing those. I don't know how much money I spent on nicotine. I'm guessing it's something like that. Yeah. I was exaggerating a little bit. I don't think it was that much, but it was, I, I'd say that chew is my favorite. The problem is it stains your teeth really quick and i'm vain yeah so i'll i'll do it and then as soon as i start seeing my teeth get even slightly your gums bleed too easy or something yeah no my gums are fine um in in fact uh

i i used to dip whizzing whizzly greener green that's what i was saying that's that's the name of the episode whizzly greener green and um i wouldn't gotten my teeth cleaned around that time and uh they were like oh man your your gums are looking way better i'm like cool i actually started using tobacco so that's nice um i smoke crack cocaine out of a fucking dark pepper can yeah yeah people think people think that i have like a like a like a smoker voice or whatever but really i'm just

like hunched over all the time when I record. This isn't what my voice is like. If you meet me in public, I have just a regular voice. I don't know why I always talk like this when we record. This is the secret breaking. I don't really have a cool voice.

Not that this isn't a cool way to talk. When we go to meet up to go to the zoo, you're like, Hey brother. And I'm like, man, you don't got to do it right now. We're not on. What are you doing? Hey there, Jake. How you doing? Hey Jake, man. How you been brother? Well, isn't that my nice little friend there. So I was going to ask, because you brought up Redman.

So like your labor jobs, you work like when I was remodeling houses, when I was roofing, and then like when I was working at like a refinery and like working outdoors, anything I've done. People call like snus, like camel snus, which is what i dip when i can't smoke at places which is rare because the jobs i've had normally allow but the jobs i have that haven't even office jobs that like a really tense on like smoke breaks i've had i would dip camel snus pouches anyway the construction site that i worked at last summer was like guys but hey man can i get a pinch and i was like i just have the pouches and they're like you have pussy pouches and i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm like it's literally like uh it's just nicotine in a cloth pouch so my gums don't bleed and they're like what are you gay and i'm like no i just like i have bad gums because i smoked a lot and they're like yeah

like you try to offer a genuine explanation to the guy and they're like sounds gay to like no man I just I do have like gum recession because I smoke too much anyway if you want a nicotine that you asked for and then ridiculed me for having you just have to like ask you know and they're like no I don't want that shit and then like 30 minutes would go by and they'd be like hey man I'm sorry what I said about all that I. And then like 30 minutes would go by and they'd be like, Hey man, I'm sorry. What I said about all that. I'm actually not sorry. You're still like weird and fuck.

Cause only pussies by that. But I I'll get, I'll buy you a beer after when we go to the bar. I'm like, dude, just take the fucking pouch. Like it's not. Yeah. It's not gay. Like this. I get these because they're cheaper than a can of wintergreen. I don't like the fiber

glass so like we don't have to get into the intricacies of it you can just have a pouch and they're like oh well come around the corner nobody sees it wasn't that bad i'm exaggerating but like yeah you go out you go back down to the creek to share a pouch of grizzly. A pouch of fucking, yeah, camel's skin. Yeah, that's real common. I'd say, I'd take it even further. Anybody who dips skull, that's a rough situation. Really?

Skull? Most places I worked at dipped skull, but they made fun of you. They called grizzly welfare bear because it was like you were too poor to afford skull yeah but that's why uh no uh no it's over here it's copenhagen long cut or grizzly wintergreen interesting interesting now this is interesting conversation this isn't that i you know i mean i don't know a million people this could just be within the people i've known no i think it is regional yeah i think that's like the point yeah yeah but um because it's a lot of oil field guys who you know people think that toxic masculinity or whatever is is bad bad where they live and i'm you know maybe maybe it is i don't know much about the

woke oil rigor is a very good with it yeah within it whenever you get an industry like will um you you develop such a concentrated like identity of masculinity that it almost becomes just a parody of itself it's the only place where you could be canceled for being woke yeah like no yeah like i'm not even i'm not this isn't even something i'm like coming up with the concept of if you wear a pointy like not even pointy but non-square-toed cowboy boots around here you're gonna get some some glances unless you're hispanic i had a so my work boots i had a pair of uh uh and it's not because i wear doc martin's outside of work but the cheapest boots that i could find that were work boots

that were steel toes were docs so i just got a pair of docs but they weren't square toed they were like they look like hiking boots yeah and people were like where the fuck did you get them i hit him and they didn't even look like fashionable boots they were brown dirty ass chipped away steel toes like everybody else but they weren't squared off cowboy boots like squared off like steel toed yeah yeah you know and i was like dude they were like 70 bucks at academy so i like i don't i'm not in the business you know and it's weird that a job that is so dirty there there are aspects of it people that you work with that are so obsessed with vanity like looking like a like the bull riggers that would work on the cranes they would tuck their jeans into their socks and they thought that looked really cool and i asked one guy one

time i was like oh is this a safety thing? Like, so you don't get caught on something. And they're like, oh, no, like the foreman do it. I think it looks cool. And I was like, oh, yes. With my sweatpants. Yeah, but they did it with their Wranglers. They would tuck them into their work boots.

Was it like cowboy cuts? No, so they would be like, yeah, they'd be like boot cut. But like, you know, modern boot cuts are skinny up until they, they're almost like bell bottoms. So they would wear their, they would wear their like Wolverine work socks, like their heavy high work socks over the top of their boot and tuck their jeans into the sock and the boot. So it would be skinny, a little bit of bell and then into the boot. And awful. Yeah. And they were like, and I was i was like oh is this a safety thing

like the safety get on your ass about being up so high and having like baggy pants or something they're like oh no it's just you know this is what bull riggers this is what riggers do and i was like i fixed forklifts i don't understand they were like oh yeah well you know fuck you hand or whatever and i'm like i don't this is this is stupid like this looks you look like a clown you look like you're wearing jogger you look like little wayne circa 2000 like nine they're like you know don't you i don't know it was just yeah i i got a pair of um don't you got a name i don't know it was just yeah i i got a pair of um yellow bean duck boots that i did landscaping in for like a year and then the rubber part like fell off of the leather they got so worn out but when i first got them people would make fun of me

for like oh what are those uh what are you going uh i don't know, cranberry picking? Yeah. I don't know. Were you a black guy in the 90s or something? What are you wearing there, son? What are you, Ghostface Killer? They wouldn't get that in detail. What are you, Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest?

Yeah. Yeah. What are you, Jared Leto? They're like back mountain yeah yeah i uh there was a i've told a story before not on the pod but so uh i fixed my job was i fixed and i was not it's funny like the shit that like when you go to the safety meetings when you work at a refinery proper, they're like, you cannot ever do anything that OSHA wouldn't approve of. And then you get on the field and they're like, OSHA is gay. You need to never do anything they say ever. And so they had people whose job it was to work on cranes and forklifts. But those guys cost money to call out and bring into

the oil into the end of the refinery and so there were two mechanics on site well there was a mechanic and then me i was the apprentice or whatever and we would fix cranes and forklifts and we would fix crane tread which we weren't certified to do because that takes a lot of work and a lot of like engineering knowledge and we would just beat the fuck out of the crane tread till it rolled right yeah and uh anyway also worked in the warehouse yeah standard procedure and i would fix their their shop forklift and uh and so i'd go in the fork i would go in the warehouse and there was a guy in the warehouse who always always dude i would catch him in the middle of a conversation with some of the other uh they work in the yard so their job was to like, they'd go in the yard.

They would find tags of pieces of metal and Foreman would call that piece of metal on the microphone or on the, on the walkie talkie. And then they would be like, all right, I need like a K 19, probably about pipe copper pipe. And so they would put on a forklift to go out in the unit anyway. So these guys would be talking bullshit, like close to like the end of end of working day or whatever and and the same old motherfucker i'd walk in and he'd be like y'all

boys got to get yourself to the sunshine paradise massage parlor over there in the shit channel it's right off it's right before you hit fred hartman it's right before you hit baytown i mean it is they go in there and they treat you right and this was clearly he was clearly talking about like a rubbing tug joint you know yeah and uh he's like man you go in there and them girls you don't even got to give him nothing i mean anything outside of what it says on the board like you ain't got tip you don't even got i mean if you want to i mean i fucking don't you know but i mean i put pain you know i'm gonna give a fucking shit you know and i would come you want to i mean i fucking don't you know but i made hot pain you know i mean i get fucking shit you know and i would come in there to sometimes the forklift would fuck up

like the protein the the fuel line the propane tank that ran the fucking shop will fuck up so i go fix it and he's like hey roads like you ever been to that damn whorehouse over there off 146 i'm like hey no man i don't uh i don't do stuff like that he's like you gay or something i'm like no i just like uh i don't like go to whorehouses because i like to go home after a 17 day straight 12 hour day work week i like to drink beer and i like to watch tv and go to sleep. He's like, well, fuck. I mean, I feel you work in the same hours, but man needs his time. And I'm like, dude, God damn it. You know, but anyway, I would try to walk away from conversation. I'm willing to anyway, one day. That guy calls me on my radio and he's like, Hey,

we've got a welding machine in the unit. It's all fucked up. I need you to come out here and I need you to fix it. I'm like, okay. So usually nine times out of 10, it's because some moron put diesel on out here and i need you fix it i'm like okay so uh usually nine times out of ten it's because some moron put diesel on an unleaded engine or unleaded in a diesel engine or they yeah you know the oil's fucked up it's a simple fix so i go out there and he starts talking about it again and he's like hey man i'm telling you he's like i'm going there today he's like i'm tossing i could say hey my bud is coming i swear by this shit man you're missing out i ain't trying to be weird or nothing i mean it's clearly like it's clearly a fuck now he never

explicitly said jack off joint but it's clear no one gives you a recommendation that much for a massage parlor especially no grown man at a fucking oil refinery yeah unless he like was paralyzed yeah exactly and then and so fixed his spine or something yeah like they exactly and so i was like hey man i i gotta be honest with you i don't this is after after like seven or eight recommendations over the course of the time i worked there i'm like hey man i don't uh i don't like the idea of those places because the women are like trafficked dude he fucking spits on the ground he goes ain't no traffic on the way there roads are clear and i was like i realized at that moment that i just like

was not like i wasn't he he he wasn't stupid he this guy wasn't dumb yeah but he just was like he just didn't care he didn't he was like i'm gonna say a joke to the real thing you said which hey by the way respect like if you don't care man like like flaunt it run it you know but i was like i was like their traffic and he was like, there's traffic. And he was like, there's no traffic there. You can get there all the way there. It only takes nine minutes. And I'm like, dude, you're, in my head, I was like, you're probably like one of the worst people I've ever met. Like in real life, you know? Yeah.

And you meet a lot of people who just have given up on the idea of any type of real morality. It's just, yeah, that's okay though. You know, it's like, it really is one of the better paying jobs. Cause if you will, I met a lot of guys with the massage thing. No, how much those ladies making, I have to get in that game. If I ever did break and go to rub and tug and I walked in the door and you were the receptionist, I'd burn that place to the fucking ground. Let me tell you what. Really? You don't think I'd do a good job?

No, I don't think so, man. I have strong hands. It's not about the handwork, man. I mean, that's just part of the problem. I know a few pressure points. I don't know. I feel like you're too hairy, dude. You couldn't pull it off. I mean, that's just part of the problem. I know a few pressure points. I feel like you're too hairy, dude. You couldn't pull it off. I mean, unless men were into that, you know. No, I wouldn't. I'm a professional. See, it's not something I want to do, but here's the thing.

Would you bald wax yourself for a bunch of oil refinery gentlemen? I will survive in any setting you put me in. I'll put it like that. Okay. I'm one of those guys. You put me in... You're the punisher, dude. You put me in San Quentin or something, hey,

I'll make it out alive. It's not going to be pretty. I will have no dignity left. But I'll flip it for tricks, if you know what I mean. I like how the prison – I watch a lot. I don't know, just like bored TV. You watch prison documentaries. I don't have a TV.

Okay. Well, that sucks for you. In my room. No, I do, but it's downstairs. I was about to tell you to get your money up, but I have currently $18. I have two monitors

on my PC. I could just... Anyway. Just watch a movie. Anyway. Anyway. A lot of parts of life yeah i haven't quite figured out yet but you'll get there man you know like we've talked about i'm 58 years old you're yeah i'm 16 this is a nambla podcast no it's not

this is i've done a few podcasts but this is the first one where the co-host just made me wear like a little schoolgirl outfit. It's kind of interesting. You can't see it when you're listening. You're putting me. I waxed my legs for this. You understand that you're putting me in such a position where the Internet and the base of our listener base, they're always hungry. They're sharks for canceling people.

People know I'm a little'm a little queen you know flexible um the the damn people go to jail on the in the in the shows and they're like there's two things you do to survive and it's always the trash tv it's like, you either join with your race or you become a bitch. And, you know, you think, I think about like, you know, I don't agree with the politics of the Aryan Brotherhood, like at all, obviously.

But I also- And you're kind of virtue signaling. I mean, you know, this isn't, is I told you this is the premier leftist but also like I don't want to get like mouth fucked like at all like I don't even oh Mr. Goody Two Shoes Mr. High and Mighty

over here listen man you know I okay let me ask you I'll ask you straight up you go to prison you get wrongfully accused but the evidence is there and you're there for fucking a long ass time you either got to join with the ab shave your head get a fucking swastika tattoo or you just got to become like a butt princess which one do you choose you ever watch shawsh Redemption yeah I love that movie

it's a great film I love it very much yeah let's see if they'd let me do their taxes no I'd want to be one of the

one of the guys who goes after Tim Robbins all the time. So you want to be the rapist? I don't want to be. I'm saying. I didn't say I wanted to be. You just said that, dude.

I'm saying I'm not racist. No, I didn't say that with a C. When you're his friend, I'm not. Sometimes I get confused, you know. What would I do? I'll tell you right now. Let me hear it. I would be killed within like four hours. You think so?

You think so? Not because I'm like... Some like, you know... Tough guy or whatever. Yeah. I would just say a dumb joke and it wouldn't even land. No one would laugh and then everyone would just

kill me. I feel like You've done time, right? Hard time? Yeah, I've done I did several hours in a municipal jail man you ain't never spent 21 hours in county before you go never mind we're not talking about that that's your thing but i've never done anything long term yeah not me neither i mean yeah i've never done anything wrong it's a good thing it's funny like my dad's been to jail, I don't know, a bunch of times.

And he's unemployed now. And he's like, oil and gas isn't, they're hiring, but they're just, I don't know. He can't find work. So he's on unemployment. So he's cruising right now. So he's smoking a lot of weed. And I think maybe we talked about this when you and me first met. But a while back, maybe like the start of COVID,

we're talking on the phone and he's like, he's like, why don't you smoke weed? And I'm like, Oh, it makes me like feel really bad about myself. I get panic attacks. I think I'm dying. He's like, fuck. He's like, dude, they had weed like they had now in like 1984 i never would have smoked rock and i'm like all right what do you want me to do with that comment he's like i'm just telling you he's he was i'm just telling you right now he's like look he's like back in back in like 87, I go down Scott Street in Houston. I go run with a bunch of people who I don't like.

We do some shit. And at the end of it, I get a big old sack of crack. Because crack's the only thing that would feel good. And he'd be like, now I can go to some fucking Mexican at the sports bar. And he'd give me some weed. Gives me 10 times more fucked up

than any crack I ever smoked. And I i'm like that's good i guess because you're not smoking crack anymore and he's like yeah i smoke crack i haven't smoked crack in like two three years but what i'm trying to say to you son is is that if they had sour diesel in 1984 hell ain't no reason to smoke cocaine and i'm like all right dad good to hear from you and he's like all right you have a merry christmas he's he's he like a the like two or three years ago I dropped him off at Harris County Jail in Houston I do an anniversary

tweet every year and a post on Facebook because it's so god damn funny to me no one else thinks it's funny but I think it's very funny 2017 I dropped my dad off at Harris County Jail because he had to serve time he agreed to just do time for his third DUI and possession or whatever.

And before he gets out of the car, he doesn't say, I love you, son. He doesn't say like, Hey, you know, be good or whatever. He goes, Hey, there's a whole ass honey baked ham at my house. If you go to my house and get it, y'all can eat the whole motherfucker while i'm in jail all right see you because me and my mom were super broken and i like i'm crying i'm i'm not i'm not i'm not crying out of sadness because it's like whatever like i'm old now i'm gonna going to fuck, drop my dad off in jail. I don't care anymore.

But that is such a funny thing to say to your son before you go to jail for your like third or fourth DUI and like cocaine. But it's very, he didn't even mean for it to be funny. That's why it's so hard for me to be like, yeah, you know what? Like, you know, I can't. My dad's the part of the funniest people I've met in my life. And that moment in my life, like I think about that shit all the time. That's why I tweet about it so much.

It's just so fucking funny. It's just so funny. Like not even trying. He was being earnest. He was like, listen, man, I'm about to be in here for at least, fuck, I don't know, past New Year's, past Christmas, past Thanksgiving. I don't know how, fuck, who knows. They might transfer me. But if you want a honey-baked ham, there's one in my fridge. I got it, because I was thinking about you before I got arrested. Like, it's going to last however many months. You just eat like a slice of it every day or something. of preemptively understanding maybe he would go to jail and then having an extra honey baked ham that he wasn't going to do anything with it's for me my brother my mom

like what are you fucking doing dude just cut it into three pieces when i did get the ham it was a pretty decently sized ham, but it was like, you know, I come home and I was like, hey, Dave left us a ham. My mom's like, did you just drop him off at jail? And I'm like, yeah, but he said he had an extra ham. She's like, that's what he was like planning. That's what he was like planning. My mom was like, that's what your dad like was. He got it.

Had a ham like ready in case he went to jail during Christmas time. And I was like, I mean, I guess I don't know. Like, yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, it's a nice gesture. It is. Ham isn't like crazy cheap, you know? I mean, I's a nice gesture. It is. Ham isn't like crazy cheap. I mean, I'll be honest. I don't know how much ham costs. I bought it before.

I'm not – I've bought groceries before. I've bought ham a long time. Yeah, yeah. I've lived in a dorm for a full semester i know how real life works but yeah um so you graduated high school like super early because you skipped so many grades yeah what was it like going to college when you were 13 years old it was it was really good it was um i i you ever think about um

i wonder how much of harvard is like those uh those little little kids you know like autistic yeah not the not the ones they bring in for the professors i mean like the genuinely like there's something profoundly wrong with them but they're geniuses type people yeah yeah and also i wonder um you know how many just uh how many kids are like labeled as geniuses just so they can you know just so old darshowitz can you know take a swing at them once they get over there, you know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, how many kids? It's something. Why are they letting, like, nine-year-olds take the SAT now?

Yeah, like, I remember there was a kid that went to my school that was, he was 15, and he was in my dorm. And he skipped, like, three grades. He was obviously super smart, but he had never, he wasn't from here. He was from Nigeria. And he was like, you know, we had a, we had like a, he looked on our floor and our floor was full of stupid idiots like me. And I was like, how much acid can I eat before I like see the devil or

whatever. And that's how we all were and so he was like i want to go out with you guys one night when we're all chilling downstairs and we were like you can't like you can't you cannot it's weird but i wonder kind of like how you said like if a kid does skip a bunch of grades and goes to college at like 15 like how does he like navigate like the because even if he were to graduate on time which i'm sure he would and likely graduate early because he's a genius how do you go through like the story of college that people go through from like 15 16 17 18 like are you going to like what are you doing i feel like doing math i feel like um just having the like having the opportunity to do that i feel like not that you not that not that like only rich kids can do that but it seems like a rich kid thing to do a lot of the time

unless you're like like they like there are exceptional individuals who like the public schooling system somehow they're just prodigies like they grow up and they can do yeah but like generally um if you're just a regular kid you know working parents and stuff yeah you're you're probably just gonna graduate you know like with everybody else maybe you're probably just going to graduate you know like with everybody else maybe you're going to be bored maybe you know a year early or something but like I think most of the kids who

and to be fair this is not super common you know like but it does happen I feel like most of those kids have like tutors and stuff and we're in private schooling and stuff. Cause it's not like you skip, it's not like they're skipping public school grades for the most part.

It's like their homeschool grade. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, uh, so my mom had me super young and I remember her 21st birthday cause I turned five and she turned 21 like some weeks later. And my mom was like studying for GED and I was like we were like bowling together or whatever and I was like oh this is cool and then I turned 21 and I thought about having a five-year-old and like how drastically emotionally and mentally unprepared I was and am still even at 26 like I could do it me and you you want to adopt a kid no if you if you knocked a girl up right now could you make it work

yeah I'd make it work you think so i could no no it wouldn't be it wouldn't be a good situation yeah i'm not i'm not delusional i'm saying i would it would ruin my life but i would make it work and the reason i say that is because um typically when that happens it ruins people's lives but they tend to make it work and uh i'm not you know now it doesn't it's not great i mean i think i think your mom was pretty young when she had you 16 yeah you know she was out let's hear it dude let's hear it let's hear it man I do remember like I was like off at college

and and like my circle of friends you know they're like oh I have to go home for my mom's birthday because it's my sister's birthday around the same time too and we're doing a dual birthday. I was like, oh, how old's your mom?

They're like, oh, she's like 63. I was like, my mom's like 33 years old. Because I got a full ride because I'm so smart and cool and my penis is really thick. It is. I've seen it yeah yeah no because like i went to like i went to a private school in austin or whatever like

most of the kids that i knew were really wealthy and uh anyway they'd be like your mom was how old i was like yeah she's like 33 and they were like does she like uh like what happened in your life how old are you like are you nine i'm like no i'm like 19 years old i'm 18 years old now like your mom's 34 years old yeah and they're like again like high school the summer between high school and college doesn't change the male mind they're like is your mom hot I'm like, what kind of fucking question is that? It's not. Or is she? I'm sick of you, dude.

We're cutting this shit here, brother. Anyway, it was. I know what you mean. It was just one of those things where it's like, I didn't know. Like, I never had anything in common. Yeah. With like, you know, it's rough because rough because it i mean it does make her a bad person and i'm just but but yeah it's it's funny that's like um even as society like really progresses and i like it i feel like i feel like we are genuinely getting somewhere in some ways. A little bit, maybe.

In terms of being more accepting. In other ways, it's basically like... Are you getting a stimulus check, by the way? No. Why not? You didn't do your taxes? I'm registered as a dependent still. That's fucked up, dude. Yeah, I did it this year, not knowing that...

and still it's fucked up dude yeah i did it this year not knowing that um that uh you know the but the pandemic i i didn't i had planned on this happening but not for so long and um yeah no i get that i get that but i'm going independent this year i'm thinking about i'm thinking about maybe joining i mean mean, throwing all my political and philosophical. I want to be an Army Ranger really bad. And I think I'm going to go to OCS school, become an Army officer, and then try to be an Army Ranger. I have bipolar disorder, and I have two dislocated shoulders. But I think. That I could do it.

What do you think? I think. What if we. Made. Our own branch of the military. I think me and you could do it. I think maybe it's time. We could call it.

Jake and Thomas' School of War. Tough and Powered War. School of the Army Warfare. Yeah. The Jake and Thomas Military Tactics Division. Instead of me making that annoying, I'll pretend that was like a

Funk Flex air horn type thing you were i think you're too young to remember because you're a little baby and i'm 55 but there used to be army commercials that god smack and like metal bands would play during and that's awesome yeah it would it would be like i'm not kidding you can google them it would be like guys kicking open doors and like judo tossing people and like firing m4 carbines and like cutting corners and fucking checking corners throwing grenades and it would be like and then fucking guys rappelling out of helicopters and then it would be like army

do you want to be strong like it like that was it was around the same time that like csgo and then like two years later halo came out and it was like no coincidence i mean you know and then when i was like seven years older being like dude i want to be a green beret so bad like i want to be the type of guy that like you show up somewhere and there's like people because your idea of a cool guy at seven years old is like a guy that can like bend space and time and do a backflip and then like do a kickflip. Or if you're me, just Dirk Nowinski. Sure, sure, sure. Maybe I had like more of a profound mental illness maybe.

Yeah. And then that was like, and then like the army got in like kind of a little bit of trouble for that and so now they recruit and this is a reason it's the first bad thing they ever did the first bad thing the first bad thing they ever did and now they recruit on twitch they're like you're like that shit's really honestly very fun to me i'm not kidding they're like hey you're really good at killing people virtually your response time is super fast um and uh it's clear that you have a genuine understanding of you know how to lead a squadron do you want to sacrifice four to eight to possibly 12 years of your life for minimum wage up front but still minimum wage so you can go kill like like a lot of kids and like women and stuff and like a lot of guys are like yeah yeah sounds good

i think that sounds really good yeah i uh i got recruited heavily in high school. Same, dude. Dude, yes. Maybe I just looked lost or something. I don't know. But I took the – they had us all take the ASVAB or whatever. Did they have a pull-up bar at your high school? No, I didn't do it.

No, but I'm saying did they have it there? No, they had it. They didn't have – I know some schools, I didn't do it. No, but I'm saying that they have it there. Yeah, no, they had it. They didn't have, I know some schools, they permanently had it there. Yeah, so at my school, so the Air Force would come, no one cared. The Coast Guard would come, no one cared. But when the Army or the Marines showed up, they would bring a pull-up bar and they would smack it front face directly in front of the fucking lunchroom and they would like one of the army officers or the drill sergeants would challenge like 16 17 year old kids to pull up competitions just to see how many they can do and if you could do a bunch

they would like give you a pamphlet they give you a fucking patch sometimes they give you a fucking shirt or a hat like that that's how they you. And I knew a lot of my friends who got got that way. But one day. And I'm not trying to be edgy. This is this is just this is just real thing that happened one day. One of the kids from life skills, which is what we call the special education division. Yeah, that's what everybody calls it. Is it really?

Yeah. No way. Seriously? No. No. OK. OK. That was what everybody calls it is it really yeah no way seriously no no i was just okay i thought you're okay that was just what we called it um one of the special ed children went up to that pull-up bar and when anyone went up to it we would all count it out trying to see if they would pussy out before like 10 not that i could do more than 10 at 15 but it was funny to make fun of people who wanted to be in the military when i was a kid but this young man got to 10 and then he got to 20 and then he got to like 30 and he was not slowing down and then like the marine recruit or whatever recruiter the officer nco i don't know what the fuck they fucking call himself was like hey brother uh you know you did it

to this to this young sort of mentally deficient man yeah and he was like i'm here to do fuck i mean he didn't say this but it was clear that he was like i'm here to do fuck. I mean, he didn't say this, but it was clear that he was like, I'm here to do pull ups, dude. You brought the bar out and you this is this is your bed and you're laying in it. I don't know how many fucking pull ups that kid did. I'm not I don't know. Was it like over a hundred? No, it wasn't that much. No, it wasn't that crazy. 100 no it wasn't that much no it wasn't that crazy but like a full a full-sized special needs man 5859 easily well over 50 in quick succession and like like boom like not he didn't there was no sign of him slowing down when he stopped i think he stopped because like the marines were tapping him to like get off the bar because 50 pull-ups that takes a solid like you know most kids went out there they did

four or five the really swole kids did maybe 15 20 yeah bulbs are like hard yeah especially if you're doing overhand that underhand grip like if you're doing like all shoulder and like posterior chain like shit like that yeah that's hard now they were doing underhanded bicep pull-ups but oh okay yeah those aren't too bad they're not too bad i mean still still you can't do like 50 plus you know i'm not saying that was the number but i'm saying he was up there for an incredibly long amount of time and he was cranking them out just boom boom there was no pause there was no sign of strain there was no sign of exhaustion eventually like the marines kind of tapped him down yeah and i remember i put him down and i remember watching this and thinking okay you're the marine who has to tell this kid he can't be

in the marines like you have to tell him they they go after a lot of like autistic guys. They do. That's the joke amongst the branches. They eat crayons and shit. They're like the dumbest branch. But the point I'm making is this guy was clearly, by every metric, like not capable of serving in the armed force. Like he had Down syndrome.

Like it would be wrong to tell him, hey, you should be special forces. It's just, he said, come on. Come on, man. Yeah. So it was one of those things where they were coaxing him off the bar and I could hear him be like, I can do more.

I don't want to lose a voice. I kind of did already. I'm fucked up because of this. To put it in the least defensive way, they were throwing candy on the ground and they were telling him... Anyway. After that,

our lunch period ends and I'm walking by and a guy hands me a pamphlet or he was handing it wasn't just me he's handing to everybody that walked by he's like you want to serve your country and i was like no not particularly i don't care about stuff like that and you know because i was much worse than than i am now about being like i don't believe in God and I'm a cool guy and I don't even like. Yeah, that's all you talk about now. Yeah, I'm a really listen, dude.

I don't need you to be like rude to me or like, dude, I'm mean. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like Greg Geraldo, if he could handle his medicine. Did you say Greg Giraldo? Yeah, he's that roast guy. The mustache guy? No.

No, Greg... It was those really bad comedy roasts. Yeah, of course. With Lisa Lampanelli. They remind me of you, dude. Jeff Rod... No, they don't they don't know no but in like eighth grade i thought those were so cool i thought like watching the roast of

flavor flavor i was like dude they're getting his ass yeah they're where it's like the roast of like ann coulter or something that's like oh yeah yeah they're getting they're getting This is so cool. They called that lady fat. They called her a cunt, dude. They're getting her ass, dude. They said this lady used to date a black guy. That's

maybe, I guess, funny. I don't remember how I oh yeah I said I wanted to I ironically said something about being an army rancher I think it would be funny to be like who I am on the internet and then to just like immediately do a

next day pivot to being like a patriot guy like I love the country guy. You know, I'm I don't know. I feel like it's time for rebranding. Yeah. I kind of

want to be like a wellness guy. Like a yogi almost. But like, not really get healthier. I'm going to be Stretch? Like just do stretches? Yeah. I'm going to be. Stretch, like just do stretches. Yeah. I'm also really not flexible. My hamstrings are bad.

And also because of that, my lower back seizes up really sometimes when I just get out of bed, which is a common. That's where you get for lifting weights, man. It's pretty common when you're 21, you know? Hey, man, you got a long life ahead of you, dude. And both of us, we're doing fucking...

So, dude, I want to let you know this episode... This has been a... What time did we get on? Like nine. Oh, okay. So it's only been an hour

and 12 minutes. Okay. Yeah, well, maybe like an hour and 15, something like that. Something like that. Something like that. Something like that. Where's your little song hitting your little song like that? Dude, shut the fuck up.

I'm sick of it, dude. I'm kidding. I'm sick of it, dude. I'm sick of it, dude. Dude, you're messing up the audio. You're messing up the audio. I'm sick of you, dude. I'm sick of it, dude. You're messing up the audio. You're messing up the audio. I'm sick of you, dude. I'm sick of you.

Dude, you know I'm sending this track to Rick Rubin, and he's going to make the clearest podcast episode ever. So these stupid mongrels will stop bothering me. I don't even listen to this crap, and you're bothering me about sound quality. You are rats to me. You are dirt beneath my feet do not ever ask me about the quality of anything i say or do because it's only downhill from here you know

how much sun damage my brain is taking it's like oatmeal in there i'm rambling about i don't have a single thing to say and yet some of these people are paying to listen to it, by the way, by the way, because I'm going to forget to plug this at the end of the show. So you should, you should, you should subscribe to Pandejo time on Patreon because these are the free episodes. And I guarantee you, I can guarantee you the word of the Lord, the word of me, the word of young Thomas, the word of fucking Satan, the word of anybody that you believe in. Keep it clean.

Keep it clean. If you think these free episodes are funny, if you're driving in traffic on the way to your job and you're like, God damn, motherfucker, these guys are on it. The premium episodes, I guarantee you, are 150,000 times better. That's right. 150 000 times better so listen if you if you're listening to this free one and you're like wow i wonder what they get up to behind the scenes what's behind the curtain what's behind the fucking closed door you should subscribe to the patreon fucking patreon.com slash pendejo time that's the fucking real shit dude and it's it's something i like to call LMS. Love. Magic.

Science. No, it's love. It's love. Sex. Magic. Listen. Science. Getting pussy and going to the museum. That's what it's about. It's like the A$AP Rocky song, PMW,

but it's LMS. It's on his third to last album, dude. Did you not hear it's... I do not know what that is, man. It is on his, like, third to last album, dude. Did you not hear it? It was a classic. I'm 78 years old. Dude, it was literally, like, his fourth best project ever, and you didn't even listen. No. I think it was, like,

had a long last ASAP. It's the one with Wavy Bone. Thomas, just shut the fuck up. Dude, I hate you. You suck. Alright, Thomas just shut the fuck up dude I hate you you suck alright let's get wavy bone here and let's say happy new year and subscribe to the

patreon yeah happy new year we're gonna make 2006 the best year ever let me tell you that like we're gonna be at $27,000 Yeah, Happy New Year. We're going to make 2006 the best year ever. Let me tell you that we're going to be at $27,000 a month by 2008. Hey, here's a real-life situation. I have about a centimeter-long laceration on my right eyeball that I've had for about three days. This isn't a joke. my right eyeball that I've had for about three days. This isn't a joke.

I'm not getting my eye fixed until we hit 150 stubs. We've got about eight to go. My vision is legitimately slowly fading. Not that quickly.

I don't have health insurance. I could pay for health insurance with this. Hey, Jake, how many fingers am I holding up right now? Let's see.