Pendejo Time - punished slug

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

he pulls on it all day. he is tortured by it, and it is in turn tortured by him. and he eats candy. Support the show

Yeah Yes, sir Yes, sir very first time first time the only first time we've tried to do this It's not the only time this episode has been recorded The only time that was the first time I've pressed record on this button and then we haven't scrapped it either because didn't work or Wasn't particularly interesting or you know it wasn't I wasn't feeling it I wasn't feeling like sexy like sometimes you got to make sure you're feeling

Yourself before you start to like let other people know about your day. You know yeah, it's just some real shit I've been into a lot of real shit lately personally. I just think there's too much fake shit on the world in the planet around and about. You know what I mean? I almost got stung by a bunch of bees earlier. They were swarming. And I just thought to myself, it'd be so fake if I died from bee stings. You know what I mean? I was trying to throw away some trash and the dumpster was just lousy with them.

And a bunch of them flew toward me and were buzzing by my ears and I just said, because that's the sound I make when I'm having a bad day. And everybody looked at me funny, you know, they made fun of me in their minds. They didn't say anything but a lot of people saw me running away like a little girl and I thought, dude, fake shit just runs this world fake shit runs this planet like This sucks, so it's glad to know that maybe you and me and probably the only real ones left Yeah

It sucks that you could probably Bang a wasp, but a bee would be too small and everybody would be mad at you I Do you oh you're saying that you could have sex with a wasp if you wanted to yeah? I think people would turn a blind eye to that Okay, like morally speaking you think people care about bees more than they do wasps Yeah in the size Mm-hmm. Oh, there's big B has a bigger, but Yeah, there's carpenter bees. They got big old fuzzy black butts

big black butts Mm-hmm on those bees Mm-hmm and But a wasp is more athletic Yeah, more built for speed probably do a better job. Oh I see what you mean. Do I look a better job of back shots or or? No, just of Keeping you entertained. Oh, I see probably crawling all over it and stuff. Mm-hmm I I could imagine another life in which I fall in love with a perhaps a red wasp. I

I'm so glad you said that Because I've been waiting for you to be honest with me and listeners and yourself about that for a long time. I always kind of got that from you. That you just, you're a human man and you have human desires, you know, love and success. But more than anything, you know, when I first laid eyes on you I thought this guy if all else was equal he would want to have sex with and fall in love with a red wasp yeah I could just imagine a nice life with a wasp you know go into the grocery store and I say what do we need this week and my wife who's a wasp she would probably say a wasp food just the stuff

we eat you know mm-hmm and flowers mmm small boats I think I think wasps largely are pollinators they eat aphids and stuff they kill and eat a lot of garden pests a lot of people give wasps a bad name like coyotes yeah yeah yeah yeah and my neighbor's son uh-huh yeah they just my neighbor's son Samuel is always stealing my squash you don't say yeah, my son's my neighbor's son Samuel stole seven squash this summer season Say it isn't so that Samuel stole several squashes from your summer season garden I Say it to be so so it's so so That my neighbors Sasha's so so son

stole seven slippery sallow squash from my summer sart garden On the 17th of August. While I was sawing with my saw. And I saw Samuel in a sweater and and Shorts And sides he slid to my school was seven squash and stole Several Several.

Somebody must have stopped Samuel from stealing several of your seven slippery squashes, surely. To my surprise... No. I'm sorry that there was no Samaritan in your circumference to stop Samuel from stealing several of your seven slippery squashes for your summer spice season. Samson stole seven squash from my succulent savory Summer Sack of squashes And so I Spoke to his Step step mom So I spoke to his step-mom. And Samuel was stunned and surprised

to be the suspect in this investigation. this investigation so all summer I spanked him wait stop you spanked and slapped Samuel until his until if his slippery little stinker was Stinky I spanked and slapped Samuel's seat until it stank Sheesh I Bet his ask Cindy Samson I Bet his seat was sore from all the Spanx and slaps that you stunned his stinker with I Sir he was wearing suspenders mmm Certainly vendors. Mmm. Certainly. His side, his seat must have felt like sandpaper. I bet his seat was stinging when you were still smacking, slapping, and spanking his

seat. and and spanking his seat see senior sigh he couldn't take a seat at school because his sides and seat had been slapped spanked and I had slid into the room slid under the door, and sliced his neck. Sliced his, I'd sliced his, a slice of, of sly. You sliced the skin of his side of his neck with a sleek blade? I slapped his, silly, I slapped his silly, I slapped silly Samuel's sides in sack and sucked and had sex and I put semen into my squash and silly Samson squealed and he saw that he had sucked the semen out of

several sauteed of several sauteed stolen squashes and then I sank his father's boat and as his father sank in the lake I Went over there with my boat and I hit him with the motor and I destroyed his father's head and I cut it like a watermelon and It's a lake was filled with his blood and I brought part of his father's head back to shore and I Left it in my silly summer succulent squash garden for silly Samson to find and

he started to See to seep to seep out seers out of his sase all over the surround That's something And then he saw a snake And he said sorry snake When a snake slithers and Samson seven and Samson is Anyway you do anything you do anything awesome this weekend Jake

I'm going to Houston. I got some spots for stand-up at the secret group and We could talk about more of those later. Yeah, I'm just gonna take the van up down to Houston. I'm gonna take my hound dog. We're gonna go on a little trip. I'm gonna do it's called The Dirty Show. And it's all of Houston's dirtiest comics telling their most filthy material.

So I think I might go up there and say the, I don't know, the Lord's Prayer or something. Might read some Psalms or maybe ecclesiastical Ecclesiastes would go hard Bro, I've been steady reading the gospel lately bro, and it's fi a lot of people don't even realize how fucking fi the gospel is Do crisis King? Oh? Yeah, yeah, I've been thinking about lately about like the fucking dude like the Pharisees Like Yeah, I've been thinking about lately about like the fucking dude like the Pharisees Like I'm thinking about some of Paul's letters do they want hard as fuck do like everybody for real everybody needs to like get like

Get right get good with God dude like everybody needs to get saved I'm fucking 19 years old and I'm rebelling against my fucking liberal parents who are both Psychology professors and the way that I'm rebelling against my fucking liberal parents who are both psychology professors and the way that I'm rebelling is I'm fucking Christian dude and I'm fucking Christian and I'm conservative and my parents don't know what's gonna hit them because they're gonna have to try to have a woke lunch and soy dinner and DEI dinner and I'm gonna come correct with the fucking gospels at dinner. They're gonna say did you read any of your gender books today?

I said no I read the only I read the only gender book there is the word of man Yeah, the only ginger I know is going in a Moscow mule Exactly That's ginger beer Jim that's ginger beer correct Yeah, and Yeah, that's what beer, correct Yeah, and Yeah, that's what I call freakin Putin and his yeah That's what that's what I call Trump because he's a donkey for yeah

That's what I call Mitch McConnell Mitch Mitch Mitch McCracken Calling mule Mitch yeah, yeah fucking jackassass. You know yeah, I call it the Yeah, I'm gonna start calling it the key of mule So people know I'm on the right side of history. I'm not kidding. I went to a bar I Remember you just unlocked a memory in my head I thought I had buried and there was a bar in Austin and it had It had it had that and it was listed it was on their happy hour and right under the name of it on their menu they said

well Like it was like some money or something like 10% of bar proceeds was gonna go to something for Ukraine But they had changed the Moscow mule to the Kiev mule Did they also have white Ukrainians? Yeah, they had white Ukrainians. It was like, it was a Drano and a blue dish soap. So it was like a blue mixture. It was nice.

Yeah, we're gonna have Kiev mule. We're gonna hang out with mule Mitch. We're gonna hang out with fucking, dude, did you see Trump just like not say anything for like 40 minutes. He was just like playing music like standing there Like not saying anything in one of these recent rallies. He just fucking hit he just stood there dude And was just like stoic as fuck people are saying that maybe he's like suffering cognitive decline But I'm like I'm thinking that after like three guys tried to kill him, now these guys weren't experts or nothing.

Clearly, they really didn't, they weren't too good at killing on the count of that one of them got his body torn apart by lead and the other two are in jail, but I think maybe he's just scared of getting shot in his big ass head. I think I would be too, if a bunch of motherfuckers were trying to blow my shit smooth off. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're saying he's like not as sharp as he used to be or whatever because he's like scared It's okay Haven't talked to him in forever feels like I barely know him anymore

Yeah, I mean we used to we were back at Wharton we used to whack off together, but you know he's changed I would I would eat that if he tried to Just imagining that makes me angry, but because I don't really agree with that sort of thing I Think if you you know Probably sucks to be the president for sure. I'll be running for president Probably sucks to be running for president more than it sucks to be president in some ways Because you don't like get the helicopters and stuff for free Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, they'd say the big expense cost like a hundred million dollars at least to run also

I don't even think Kamala like wants to be president It really doesn't seem like she wants to win at all She just like yeah, she's every every speech she's like Well, Jimmy, I'm not Donald Trump, and that's all you need to know. I think she just kind of feels entitled to win. You think she does? Yeah. Like, just because she's probably wanted to be.

All these people want to be president. Yeah, that's the whole point. All these people want to be the most powerful person in the world I don't think you know to me like Kamala seems like She seems like she would have been like a bush cabinet member. You know what I mean? Yeah, like like a like a power player, but not a president somebody who would like Be like like somebody who would have helped orchestrate the Iraq war

Yeah, got conda. I don't want to say that why did I almost say that that would have just I would have just set you up For a home run. I'm learning four years into this show I was gonna say oh like Condoleezza Rice And you just said why is that the first person that came to your mind Jake and I wouldn't have known what to say Because you'd been right in some sense in the sense that they're both professional women and not any other reason. Oh, but yeah, no, I'm with you on that Yeah, I would have said more more like red beans and rice in this case What do you think of that one? Did you see her at the fucking town hall where she was at some Mexican Mexican? God damn, dude

I'm fucking getting dumb and more racist as time goes on She was somewhere like in the southwest and she was like, I just want to make sure you guys are okay And I want to make sure that your families are okay And it was like this was two weeks after the Detroit thing when she was like Yo I you know what? And it was like this was two weeks after the Detroit thing when she was like Yo You know what? Brock did this Mitt Romney did it one time and It was a thing that

Nixon got he didn't get in trouble for it But like when he was running and like the south and shit He would like when he was doing like when he was doing campaigns up like in the north He was just hello. I'm Richard Nixon, and then he would come down a little bit, and it would be like hey I'm Richard Nixon. I don't know if Politicians code switch like a lot of people do just naturally like we've talked about it before We're like when I'm if I'm back home for like longer than three days, and it's just I'm staying at my mom's place We're like when I'm if I'm back home for like longer than three days, and it's just I'm staying at my mom's place

Dude, I sound like I'm like I'm fucking inbred as shit like like I already kind of you and me already kind of have accents But if it's just me my mom I'm staying in her place for a few days while I'm in Houston I come back, and I'm like hey, baby. How you doing and Ashley's like what the fuck you know like she's pointed it out before That like it gets worse. I would imagine if you're like a politician that doesn't change You know what I mean like? Now you're doing it in front of like literally a billion people on TV So it's like the stakes are obviously way higher, but yeah, but imagine you're like a huge psycho, too Very good point. Yeah. Yeah, yeah like a kind of like a huge like a narcissistic psychopath Yeah, and you're like what if I could get one guy one Mexican like

What if I could get one Mexican guy to believe that I actually talk like this yeah I feel like that happens when people don't have like that The same level of natural charisma as like yeah Like John F. Kennedy wouldn't have to do that right, but he's also he was also John F Kennedy Yeah, he had a buzzer. I've been them it like Obama had so much swag Mm-hmm. Yeah, he was such a pimp for a while I mean in terms of like when you hear him speak nobody could deny he was like one of the best public speakers Yeah, he's a great orator

He had a knack for that shit. He's good on the mic. No doubt. And I think a lot of that came from him having to freestyle a lot when he was young. In Hyde Park. Yeah. Yeah, he was an oak block, spit straight fire. Right, and I think Kamala Well she you know

She's a different person so there's no comparison to be made there really they have nothing in common that I can think of sure But I like the idea of her doing the I just want you to be okay and then like you said it kind of does win one guy in the audience who's just like like he's so stupid like her just doing that just for like 30 seconds like thank you all for coming I want you to be okay and your family and he's like oh my god I didn't know maybe she's Indian and maybe she's black and maybe she's got a little spice in her too. You know what I'm saying?

Did you see the clip of him going, saying, I love black men? Who's, who are we talking about? Trump. Oh, no. It's really good. He goes, he's like, I'm not gonna do the voice cuz I can't do it. But he was like, I love black men I love them. I love them and And I've been listening I every day at work I have to listen to ebro in the morning

It's like black information network or something got you and They play that clip they have it on their soundboard Oh, they play it every guy they put they put it they put it on their soundboard as soon as he said it basically Very awesome anytime Anytime they feel like it, they'll interject with, I love black men. And it's pretty good. But they were like, people were trying to have

a genuine discussion about it, and it was just funny to hear. I love hearing like 90 IQ guys talk about politics. Because it's so, you gain nothing from it and you lose a little for sure yeah they were like honestly it is cool for him to shout out the community like that but at the same time it makes you worried because you know Donald you know they're gonna start coming for you now yeah as soon as you start trying to do something for black people, the government's gonna come for you.

I'm like, dude, yeah, you wouldn't want somebody to try and go after him, right? You know? He wouldn't want something like that to happen. Like that to happen. Yeah. He's been on a tear. Ashley showed me one where he was like,

where are my gays for Trump? Where are they? And you know, they're like, ah, in the audience, and he was like Where my gaze for Trump? Where are they and you know, they're like an audience and he was like you gay and I can't even do Trump either and they were like, yeah, and he's like, you don't look gay Which is just an awesome thing to say is like a Queenie New York guy, which Trump is like also the one where he was like He was talking about Kamala, but he said something like do you want to vote for the black lady or the white guy? Which just I love that because obviously I don't like the guy. I'm not voting for him, but

Definitely a hundred percent absolutely just come out the gate and say it You want to vote for the black lady? And of course they all booed and he goes you want to vote for the white guy and they all fucking go ape shit They lose their minds because it's They're right. It's it's swagged out at least to them. You know what I mean? Like of course they want to vote for the white guy that's why they're all there like who else would they vote for oh That's why they're all there. Like, who else would they vote for? Oh my God, I will vote.

I will vote for Donald Trump. I love this song. Dude, it's been making the rounds. I was listening, it's funny you were singing it earlier. I literally was listening to it in the van earlier on the sound system. Yo voy a votar por Donald Trump. I literally was listening to it in the van earlier on the sound system Your boy ever tired Aporto now thrown down out throw I fucking do I love Miami Cuban guys. I love how conservative they are I love

that they have boats I love that They like came they left Havana and fled communism To sell Chevy Cruises to single mothers with engine knocks you know what I mean like that's kind of the dream Is to flee Castro's regime and then find a profession in Miami County scamming people Miami-Dade County Just be just scamming people Miami Dade County

Just be just scamming somebody and making a bunch of money. That's kind of like The best thing that could happen to you. You know imagine you do that and your son turns out to be pitbull That's gotta be such a sick feeling that's gotta suck. Yeah, I mean I may actually This be amazing to me. I would love to I would be so proud of pitbull if he or my son maybe Yeah, if you were like a fucking Cuban exile it like made a like a million dollars selling fucking You know sugar in the gas tank type use mobiles and your son ends up being mr. Fucking worldwide We've I've asked you this question before How is he soap? I mean, who, he sells out like 60,000 cedars. I think you had the right answer to this last time,

but I don't remember, but I was like, I don't know anybody who listens to him. I don't know one person. I've never met anybody who throws pit bull on, even at the gym. You know what I mean? So I'm like, how is he so big I? Think it's older women. Yeah. Yeah, I mean well

Like older women yeah like women who go to workout classes if you ever go to a Zumba class pitbull It's like 40% of Zumba Pitbull is like forty percent of Zumba You know what you make a good point because whenever I used to go to my buddy Frank's he lives in um What's that real rich neighborhood in Dallas? There's a bunch of Highland Park Highland Park. Yeah. Yeah, they live up in Highland Park and Whenever I would go to parties his parents place parents, you know, that would be like They would like have us come up or whatever and we would go hang out at the parents place, parents you know that would be like they would

like have us come up or whatever and we would go hang out at the country club and I got to see how the other half lived and just in a side note it's awesome it's way better than anything that you could it's awesome like it's way better than being poor or whatever anyway and they would come a night around 1130 with all of them they were all the Botox the the hair fried the fuck the roots all fucked up big fake bolt-ons and fucking And dude that shit would hit and they would all just kind of start gyrating in the middle of his big-ass living room and it would just sound like a bunch of maracas were shaking around because of the Silicone and the filler and all that stuff and it was fucking horrifying

It was it was God not a sight to behold It sucked really bad is what I'm saying, but now that you mentioned it. I Feel like that That is that's that's it. That's the audience And then every lady who like Ring before spring aggy land bitch They got married to like a petroleum engineering major in 1988 You know That's for them. That's who pitbulls for

Because I don't think anybody's sliding on their ops listening to fucking meet me in the engine and suck in on my big ball sack Nobody's fucking letting the glock bark in the middle of the street to that shit And if they are that is a true hitter That's a shooter and a half Imagine killing a guy in his family listening to that shit I Yeah, I enjoyed his music in eighth grade a lot I My favorite was Cali Ocho which how's that one go? Who knows those? I uh, my favorite was Calle 8. Which, how's that one go? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

I know you want me. Man. You know I want you. Okay, very good. I know you want me. You know I want you. You know you suck it. You know you play ball. You know you take me to get a sandwich

You know I'm pitbull. I know you're a lady You know I'm pitbull and you are a lady Meet me at Chipotle and make me a burrito meet me at Freebirds and have me eat burritos Yeah, you know if Pitbull grew up in Williamsburg instead of Miami, his name would probably be French Bulldog. Yeah probably. Probably man for sure. Or maybe Sheiba Inu.

Meet me at the coffee shop and then you can buy me a latte and pull out your iPhone and help me send a text message. It's going down. I'm yelling gender. You'd better move. You'd better they To you'd better they Let's the coffee's brown The the the pastries tender and black lives matter

And I am gay yep. Yep. There it is and we had it And I am gay. Yep, yep, there it is. And we had it. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Wake up in the morning feeling like a normal guy. I'm just a normal guy, and I'm not the guy in the song.

You know what I mean? Oh, I'm getting a call from there's a guy with my food. Let me answer this real quick. Wake up in the morning feeling like a guy who didn't do that stuff. And then I brush my teeth with toothpaste and I go to sleep in a normal hour. All right, I have to, I'll be right back.

Yeah, it's okay. I have to go get my burrito bowl. I'm sorry about that. No, that's all right. No, that's fine. You can do whatever you gotta do, man. You know what we gotta to do, man. Uh, man. I wonder, so

now we're in Jake's quiet corner. Some of you may skip this, I understand. Others, if you sit, maybe you might learn a thing or two. Uh... P Diddy, here's the thing. I feel like this is just my two cents when all that when our Kelly when the hammer finally dropped on that motherfucker

Ignition remix goes hard, okay, you know trapped in the closet goddamn fucking turn it up Mike I guess my thing is did he doesn't have a bill Cosby when he did all his stuff, Cosby's show real formative for me. For a lot of people. He had Cosby show our Kelly did a bunch of bad shit And he had remixed to ignition even if that was the only thing he had that song still fucking goes hard as hell I'm not gonna turn it off if it comes on What is P didi I mean I know he was a part of a bunch of stuff like I know he kind of You know like kind of gave us biggie in a way where he kind of like took Biggie's identity and gave it to another big guy, and that was the whole thing. All right, Thomas is back.

What's up, Thomas? Did you get your burrito? Yeah, I just want to. Yeah. How are you? You got a breath? Now what makes what makes you think that this is the amount of breath I always have Because it looks like you're a little out of breath buddy. No, I don't think it looks like we're that I

Don't think it looks like that or sounds like that which is crazy really good because You don't need breath to talk which is good. And whenever, you know, I'm, you know, that's the crazy thing with Pitbull is that he kind of almost takes your breath away thinking about him. About how good he is at his craft and I remember whenever I used to be a vagina doctor I used to a lot of times when we deliver babies we would play pitbull in the room uh-huh for the for the bitches to listen to whenever

it came out of them and we would you have to hit their stomach while it's happening And we would use the beats of the pitbull songs sort of like Zumba. Yeah Little calypso. Yeah, yeah, the baby comes out the baby comes out shimmying when you do Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they call it shaking baby syndrome I call it fucking jive baby syndrome cuz this fucking shit that thing dude makes you go Hotchi mama, I see mama Coming out of that thing coming out of that fucking cavern You I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I just hope it's a dancing Latino

We're going to do a gender reveal, but really what I hope more than anything is it just comes out there dancing like a brown little sexy mama. We are, it's official, we are having a Latino. It's like a gender reveal and he just hits the balloon and brown dust comes out. It is crazy, a lot of Pitbulls charm hinges on him being a Latino guy. Yeah yeah. If a white guy looked like that he would just work at a restaurant. Yeah or he would be like. It's mostly the swag but yeah yeah he looks like a restaurant manager or like a bar owner. Yeah he looks like like the lead server. I don't mean that raciously either, it's just.

No. Those guys have a certain level of charisma as well. And that's why they're so good at talking to 18 year old girls. Yeah, he's the hands on manager at a corporate restaurant like a BJ's or a fucking cheesecake fan. Yeah. He's a white guy on the border who shaves his head so he can pass as Mexican

No Eat your beans and gravy and you can get some J of food and eat your beans and gravy and it tastes really good Good to eat your beans and gravy and you can have it for Thanksgiving eat your beans and gravy To eat your beans and gravy and you can have it for Thanksgiving eat your beans and gravy I Think it's kind of bull crap that Popeyes doesn't have gravy they do don't they they have the brown gravy No, they just have these little sauces They might know the mashed potatoes, but yeah, that's what I'm saying they do yeah But you can't get it as as your sauce with the chicken

Are you also brown gravy come on brown gravy is the shit brother. It's fine, but for chicken. I want white gravy Why? It is yummy. I mean I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna hold you you know yeah, it's pretty good, but brown gravy It's good Brown gravy is the shit and you got to have it with gotta have for roast Stop talking like that For roast or for Thanksgiving. I'm not gonna do white gravy for Thanksgiving. Yeah, no yeah, you don't want to do that Yeah, you're right. You're right on that part all right But when I'm having

Delicious fried chicken having delicious fried chicken, a delicious fried chicken, which I think, I was eating the fried chicken earlier today and I thought, I don't think this is gluten free. And then I bit into my bagel and I went, well I know that's just bread. The bagel is, I mean not the bagel, the biscuit is maybe one that's just bread the bagel is I mean not the big the biscuit is maybe the one of the least gluten-free things you can

have yeah yeah yeah but anyway I guess a gravy most of the time is gonna be with wheat flour too but you know you can make something different at home if you wanted to I've been drinking a fuck ton lately. I haven't been drinking that much, but I Think I've been making up for it in other ways I'm doing some you've been to where I'd some cocaine some pills No, I've just been Just haven't been working out less week and a half or so. Me neither, dude. Two months, oh no, that's not true.

I was lifting like two days a week, which isn't crazy. That's normal. That's like slacking. But now I'm lifting. Yeah, but that's better than nothing. That's still like maintenance. Oh, I mean that was two weeks ago. I haven't lifted in like two weeks,

and I've just been drinking beer every single day, and I gotta tell you, dude, it's awesome. It really rocks. I'm gonna get tired of it soon because this is like I oscillate, we've talked about this before, like I oscillate between just like no drinking, sleeping normally, working out five days a week, eating healthy and then I really, that shit really starts to suck dude and god damn man I start drinking fucking two beers a night and then fucking five and then you're like oh my god it's so awesome to

drink seven beers a night and I don't care what the doctors say one time a doctor told me when I told him that I was drinking like a 12-pack a night back when I was younger and I was like oh but you know my sleep is better and he was like interestingly enough when you black out from alcohol, you're not actually getting restful sleep. I don't care that he has a degree from Baylor School of Medicine. Oh my God, you drink 12 beers?

Snug as a bug in a rug and you're out cold. I don't care if I don't get REM sleep or Delta, whatever the fuck it is. My eyes close and then I wake up in the morning and 12 hours have passed. And I didn't stir once in the evening like a little Rodent or perhaps a bug So I fucking feel good. You know what I mean? I think it's just cuz I've been drunk all the time You know yeah, which is bad. I should stop I

Shouldn't drink that much But also who cares? You know what I mean? Who gives a fuck yeah I feel like you know it's obviously not ideal to drink a lot every day but there's also other things that people you know you could be You could have kidnapped a woman or something you know that would be worse I guess As long as you're I've been drinking about half a bottle of poor osos every night. Yeah The the Tom Segura and Burke Kreischer

Tequila and As they're do as I'm doing it. I'll take videos of me pouring myself shots with my shirt off in the kitchen and I do a big hearty laugh after every shot and then I I'll I'll be on FaceTime with Burt while I'm doing that and he really likes it mm-hmm he really likes it when I'm doing that let me go plug in my laptop real quick beer a pic you can eat your gravy and you can drink Burt Kreischer's beer and when you drink Burt Kreischer's beer your whole family hates you and your daughters cry when they watch you on the TV

because you're a big and red guy and they wish you would stop all that. When you drink a big beer your name is Burt Kreischer, you take off your shirt and other guys who hit their wives think you're funny and then when you go to the store everybody says Burke Chrysler and then when you're big Burke Chrysler everything you want in your life happens to you and then everybody says you're funny but really what you are Burke Chrysler and then when you're big Burke Chrysler you drink a big brown beer and you take your big old shirt off and then everybody loves you and then your name is Bert Kreischer Hey, what's up, man?

Take me to the I Couldn't think of us couldn't think I forgot the song But it sounded kind of like you were making for a porous Oh whenever I got back and I kind of felt like You'd sort of stabbed me in the back right as I got up to leave I'm not gonna lie you were cutting out pretty bad there So I didn't know what you were saying so I started singing about Bert Kreischer take me to your hotel room But but his I was saying that I was saying that I've only been drinking poor Osos

And the top Tom and Bert tequila or whatever. Yeah, I drink about a bottle every night and I pour myself shots in the kitchen with my jeans on and my shirt off. And I do a big belly laugh every time just like Bert. And I go, ha ha ha. And I start crying laughing every time and then I'll I'll shake on my neighbor's door a bunch

Opens it and then I'll do it in front of him And Then I'll go poor oh sauce and Then I'll go poor or sauce Yeah, I'll shake up my neighbor's door bunch You know I'll cry through his window loudly for like a yeah an hour or two until he gets scared enough to answer the door And then I go to open mics, and I tell the machine story, and I say it's mine Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that god damn. I love that so much

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that god damn. I love that so much I went when I was in the hospital when I thought I had a nurse told me I had a brain tumor And as it turns out I just had a fungal infection That had gotten it under the skin of my scalp and was like touching my skull It wasn't anything big. I literally just had fungus in my head. That's literally all it was. Anyway, that day I went to the ER after a nurse at a different doctor had told me that I had, that it sounded like I had a geoblastoma. So I immediately crying, doing like a hundred freeway.

It's a tumor in your ovary, right? Yeah, yeah. It's an tumor in your ovary, right? Yeah, yeah, it's a, it's an OG blastoma. Well, Mr. Rhodes, it looks like you have pussy and breast cancer. How do you wish to proceed? Anyways, it was really crowded at the ER, so they had me on a hospital bed,

like in a hallway or whatever and It was taking the doctor really a long time to get to me which was funny because as far as that doctor knew I was coming to get an emergency like CT scan or whatever it is when they take your brain because Literally a day like 30 minutes before, the nurse at my like family clinic took all of my, did a bunch of tests and was like, we can't figure out what's wrong with you, but it does sound like you have a brain tumor,

which is a very funny thing to say, it's just like a registered nurse. Anyway, I've said that like three times already, let me get to the point. I'm sitting next to the hallway on this hospital bed and in walks this guy. The best that I can describe him is like Very good at destiny to abusive boyfriend. Can you get a picture in your mind of what I just said? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah

forwards like Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah forwards like forwards John Deere, but not a not a not a redneck way just a forwards John Deere hat kind of like Skinny but small belly punch lots of tribal tattoos Cheek bony you know that whole thing walks in with his very stout, very portly weeping girlfriend and I was like, God damn, can't wait to find out, because they got the bed right next to me. And he's holding-

He's probably banging on it. Yeah, yeah, he was trying, well he was having a hard time getting his hand up there because on the count of, her butt cheek was kind of like one cheek Anyway, I don't want to be rude They sit down next to me and weirdly enough like the doctor sees him before they see me even though I got there first But who gives a fuck and he's holding his stomach And he can't talk or he's not talking. He's like You know just groaning and the doctors like you know looking at the chart and it was like oh this is says here that he has

stomach pains and like intense stomach pains and you know I hear him say he tries to be quiet about it but I'm literally next to me he's like ant diarrhea and she goes yes he's been he's been been pooping blood for three days. And the boyfriend looks at her and gives her a face. And he goes, oh, okay. And she goes, he does have Crohn's disease. And he had some medicine for it, but we don't have none. And the doctor's like, oh, okay, well, he's probably good on that.

And the doctor goes, do you drink alcohol? He had some medicine for it, we don't have none. The doctor's like, oh okay, well, he's probably good on that. The doctor goes, do you drink alcohol? And he's not answering, the guy's not answering any of the questions. The girlfriend goes, oh, he is a daily drinker. But not out of like concern, it was like, she said it with like pride. He's a daily drinker, yeah, he drinks.

Oh, he can put it away. And the doctor's kinda looking at her like, it's not a frat house lady. You know what I mean? Like, and he was like, well, if you have Crohn's disease, and they were probably in their late 30s, early 40s, like, well, if you have Crohn's disease and you have extrema problems,

I would strongly suggest putting away the alcohol. And the guy like looks up at the doctor and then the girlfriend goes, oh, he won't be doing that. That's out of the question. It's just, that's like, they just gave me such a peek into like their. Internal, like the, the, the inner machinations of their life just in like the two minutes I was eavesdropping on that medical conversation, it was so sweet.

It's just like, oh, why don't you give Crohn's and you're shitting blood. Have you tried to stop drinking? No, he won't be doing that. No, why don't you give Crohn's and your shitting blood have you tried to stop drinking? No? He won't be doing that no. He won't be he won't be stopping the drinking time soon It's like the only thing he has really I just thought it was sweet. You know that's a real You know he has a right or duck. She didn't even tell him to stop drinking. Yeah, like hey. Yeah with it, man Yeah, that's exactly what I was about to say. That's a real trad wife She's not with a fucking her. She's not flat tummy with her big ass. Yeti's out Ass in a sundress making dough. She's making excuses to a medical doctor so her husband can drink himself to death That's a real fucking trad wife

That's about as trad as it gets 300 pounds. You're eating hamburger help her every night every night. She's pulling on it and it don't feel good. Feels bad honestly and you need to stop drinking or you're gonna die and she's like baby you gotta have your you gotta have your medicine, you gotta have your beer, you know that's a real trad wife right there. That's fucking that's what God wants for every Christian man. There's a portly stinky Fucking fucked up looking ogre that just feeds you Processed food yanks on your dick once or twice a week Until you're in your wife is like yelling at you at the doctor

It'd be horrible You know what I mean? Like if you're like really fat and you're at the doctor and your wife is like, he eats 15 donuts every morning and I tell him to stop but he won't. And then I pack him a salad for lunch and he brings back the salad. I think he's eating cookies for lunch.

I think he's eating brisket and cookies and pizza. And when he comes home, he wants to eat the snow cones for dinner and beer. Snow cones and beer and pills. And then you have to kill her? Yeah you have to kill her and the doctor? God damn that probably fucking sucks.

Yeah that's no I think that's- The doctor's like so you've been thinking about other guys during sex? He does I can tell. I can tell because he can't get off unless it's a guy. Unless my face is turned the other way. He's looking at the portrait. I think he's looking at the portrait of George Strait

we have hanging above the bed for some reason. It's an AI picture. He used mid journey and it's a picture of George Strait sucking his own dick but his dick is a guitar. And he says it's not gay because the dick is a guitar but it's such a weird poorly executed photo. It is gay. He spent $500 on this gold frame for He makes me grow my ass hair out You see he insists that we only have sex if I have my ass hairs grown out Well, he can look it's general so's chicken you want to know he eats he eats general so's chicken

With the sweet and sour sauce and he eats french fries with it and he never has a veggie ever. He never has a blueberry in his life. He only likes a blueberry flavored medicine. That's the only blueberry you'll have. He won't even even have blueberry beer he he only has candy flavored beer he has kettle he has candy corns and he has beers and that's what he has for his lunches that's a horrible meal to have ma'am does he jack off too much Yes, and his dick is small and it's soft It's like a slug that's being punished all the time It's like a slug that messed up really bad

If you put if you were to punish a slug you would would put it in between this man's legs and he would beat it up all day. It produces a yellow sort of watery slime. It's not even semen or pee, it's just sort of like a yellow evil ooze that emanates from his punished slug. I no longer feel comfortable putting it in my body out of fear of bestiality How fair it is an animal he's his dick is so fat it uncircumcised itself Well well ma'am, I thought we were here because of your husband's stomach issues, but it seems

that you have quite a bit of other medical problems, personal problems as well that maybe you should address with a... And his nipples are huge like a girl's. His areolas are the size of sand dollars I can't stand it and whenever he gets a boner it makes the room smell bad it squeaks to you it makes a squeaking sound like a clown's nose whenever he tries to put it in me it squeaks Whenever he eats chips he eats the whole chip he doesn't eat it in two bites he bites it he eats it in one Ma'am we always sir we always recommend eating a chip in two bites like a girl

He does it he uses it in one bite. he uses the whole thing in one bite for them chip he uses up a whole chip in one bite with his bites his balls are the size of plums but they don't even work right. If you press on them it kind of feels like a water balloon. He told me he had blue balls I looked and they were just, they were just they were just tangled up. They were black. They were like a... He has black balls in a white cock a white punished slug dick He has put his wiener through hell He's beat on it so much. It's with as one sperm and it's on injury reserve It's on workman's comp his sperms try to live in his butt. They hate him so much.

Oh, my God. He has he can't have a prostate orgasm. He doesn't know how. I've tried. I put a roll. He eats pizza for lunch. Even though I send him salads and kale sandwiches and. I've never bought soda before. he drinks dr. Thunder with his medicines I

Seen him put his his little punished slug in a can of dr. Shasta the other day I asked him why and he says none of my business He I Thought I was about to catch him Smoking out of a can of soda and then he just swallowed the thing whole Man you know what's crazy is guys that are married to women like that They'll somehow manage to find a way to cheat on that woman with like a 23 year old like orange fitness Type girl you know what I mean those girls those guys

I'm thinking of like a pipe foreman Five eight 280 Has that wife hates his guts hates him he doesn't like her either you know and for some reason they get divorced and the next girlfriend he has is like a she's like studying English at community college you know what I mean working at a soul cycle or something I don't know how they managed to do it I remember man my dad When I would go hang out with him

When him my mom split up he got on tinder and He would match with girls that were like at the time like my age like 23 24 and They'd be like, you know, attractive or whatever. He'd be like, dude, I got this out of my phone, man. You just fucking put your stuff in there and you swap on it and then they fucking come to your house. I was like, that's awesome, man.

You meet up with any of these chicks and he's like, oh yeah, a couple of them, you know, sometimes I want you to go out tomorrow with them or whatever. And I remember thinking like, this one, why is this girl, I don't want my dad that to have sex with these women person because I don't want to think about my dad fucking but also What are you doing? You know what I mean? like What where he was laying it down? Probably you know what I mean breaking them walls down like crazy He was smoking a lot of crack at the time so I'd be surprised if his penis worked

but I Guess what I'm trying to say is what do you think? Possesses like an otherwise normal girl to have sex he was banging the hawk to a girl and smoking crack basically Yeah, basically dude like like like a uofh nursing major with her whole life ahead or was going to like tugboat Tommies to Hang out with my dad to listen to Judas Priest cover bands Yeah, I'm like, what do you think possesses Like a hawck to a style I don't know what he posesses like a normal young girl to fuck an old pipe fitters dick

a bad relationship with her father probably probably yeah, I guess you could You can narrow it down most likely yeah most likely You know the price got drinks, and you know play it also. That's probably a guy who can afford to buy her drinks Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Usually hopefully if a guy is past the age of 30 or so he can afford to buy you drinks But as I get closer to 30 I realize that is not always Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am I'm 30. It's crazy. I might have a gray beard and no money someday Now dude, we're gonna there we're gonna be we're gonna be famous. We're gonna be semi famous

I think I'm gonna get a gambling addiction or something. I'm gonna figure out a way to jinx this for myself But I just you know, like I said, I just asked for a $27,000 raise at work So if that goes through, which it won't, that won't work out, but you never know. So, let me ask you. Sometimes you gotta start a job and immediately ask for a different one

from the same people. Without divulging information, the job that you said that you applied for, would they give you that job because of your experience doing that? Or would they just? I have no idea Okay, because I know that you did that for a spell so it would make I'm qualified for it. I'm

qualified for it, but There's a lot of bureaucracy and stuff so No, I get you. It's awesome everything here everything in New York has a process that is a Awesome. Everything here, everything in New York has a process that is a lot of times designed to like keep you from getting fucked over. Uh huh. But it's so, you're so protected from getting fucked over that just nobody gets opportunities or anything. Like it's just everybody's kind of fucked also. Like I'm sure it's a net positive, but I don't know. You can't negotiate for, if you're part of a union

or anything, you can't really, you lose some negotiation ability because the union has already fought on your behalf for certain things, so it's like, if you get jobs with some places or whatever, it'll be like, oh, this is your starting salary. We can't Give you a higher salary than this. Like we also can't give you a lower one than this This is just what the position pays and experience has Experience helps obviously. Yeah. Yeah, but like if you

Like the job I do right now I'm so overqualified for I just pick up trash and I like weed eat and stuff. Yeah Yeah And I'm like All right. This is like something I would make my nephew do I wouldn't actually make my nephew pick up syringes and stuff Human shit pretty weird thing to do Kind of an evil evil thing

Come on I would make a five-year-old Cleaning up after home picking up like AIDS condoms and fucking heroin needles. Yeah. Yeah, I found a I think I found a baggie of Something the other day. I don't like how you said something What do you mean? Well, it was a white powder and I thought Who knows how much fentanyl is in this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah If it's literally on the ground also people just do they don't even accidentally get it people just do fit So it probably was a lot. Yeah accidentally get it people just do fit so it probably was a lot Yeah, a lot of people just do

fentanyl or whatever the type of the if you if you do something It's so powerful that you leave the rest of it on the ground. I Don't want any part of that You close up the bag sit on the ground and leave Fuck happen there You spent your late you just put it in the regular trash, which is funny It's probably getting in the water supply now You probably sucked a nasty set of nuts to get that and it's so strong that you said I think I'm gonna take the L on that nutsuck and throw this shit on the

Sidewalk yeah, my first thought was fentanyl is probably a walk in the park to compare to whatever this is yeah Dude I remember you ever see you see that Trink stuff yeah Yeah, so if it's crazy I in in in Portland I saw a guy Who he was doing the the the badlands shuffle the fucking I? Don't know if it was from that or if it was from Fin or something, but his leg was about ready to be amputated Yeah, man, man. And I walked slightly past him to get a $7 latte. Yeah, when I'm. And I thought, man.

And it was such a good latte, too. It was delicious. It was that caramel one I got you on, too. Oh, I remember that. That was good. Where they put like a cup of caramel She was yummy I remember when we're anyway we're walking to the right now you're good we were walking to the or I was walking to get cigarettes and

Before we before we did an awesome show in front of 14 people. Thank you to those who came out 14 people bought tickets 12 people showed up. Thank you to everybody. Thank you for a 200 seater theater Thank you. Thank you also to the guy whose girlfriend fucking hated it Because I saw you guys I saw you trying to explain it to her and I appreciate the ever saying that it was actually really alt comedy that we actually really alt-comedy that we I hope you I hope you guys are still together. Yeah, I hope but she still has sex with you. Yeah There was a guy in the mid They had the road cordoned off and there was a guy in the middle of the road with like a smashed honey bun in his hand

and he was just like out cold and again I was like I just I wanted to go get a pack of parliaments in a Red Bull and I was just kind of reminded that we live in a very hateful neglectful world what are you looking out on your phone men's butts no the New York Knicks has a new they have a new patch on the front of their jerseys. It says experience Abu Dhabi Very awesome, dude. Those motherfuckers own everything when they did um Noche the UFC at the sphere it said UFC presents no che Riyadh season I

Also, Sean O'Malley was headlining that card and he was fighting a Georgian. There wasn't anything really Mexican about it. I mean I guess there was like two fights on there that were pretty relevant to that but I don't know what I've been told. I eat a big sandwich and I get real cold and then I just put it on my belly and then I get real fool if y'all are If you're listening to this that means that you have an option You can go to pendejo.com

Patreon time you go to patreon.com Pendejo time and you can subscribe for a dollar a month get you access to the discord Five bucks a month gets you access to the discord plus an entire backlog of episodes plus a bonus episode every motherfucking month Every week sorry for for a month Ten bucks a month gets you all that bullshit plus a fucking goddamn video episode We just dropped some in September you can find the free ones which we also have on our YouTube channel Padao time worldwide also give us a follow on the old Instagram and I have more video episodes in the chamber

being edited as we speak. Plank if you're listening to this you showed up halfway through one this month and I have to edit to find a way to edit around Plank. I have no idea. I literally have no idea. I'm gonna do that I have no none it is when he was sitting there, and he was like I I wish I could have given him a third mic because we had it, but we were already rolling and You just we're both talking to a ghost Just we're just both talking a plank. Who's just like

You know what I mean? It's okay But also there's a funny It was very funny watching me do push-ups. I wasn't really doing them right I Think I was oh yeah, I think yeah, you did like four or something I Have a show you got spots on Saturday You just have one nice this Saturday at Flophouse in Brooklyn

Tiny boys hosted by Chris Horn and Ivy Wouk 11 p.m. October 19th That tomorrow or Saturday Yes Saturday. Oh, yeah, if you're listening to this and you're in Houston I'm gonna be in Houston this weekend at the secret group midnight show Friday and Saturday tickets are five bucks It's on secret group website

Also, it's on my Twitter Jake Broads Jakey be or be our ods linked up top pinned I will be at Lucy's Comedy Club and fucking mother sucking dick fucking New Braunsville, Texas on the 29th of October and then I'll be at the creek in the cave on November 12th. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh