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Yeah, I, uh, the one thing I, you know, when you go to piss, you don't, you don't have to look at it.
Typically, unless when I wake up in the, in the middle of night to pee, sometimes if I get up early in the morning and I can't want to, I don't want to turn the light on.
You got to kind of turn on your night vision.
You got to go, you got to go stealth mode.
This is something that happens to me once or twice a year, and it ruins my week.
This only happens in public toilets.
It never happens in my own, and it's only with the toilets that sit low.
When you go to take a shit, and you sit down, and lots of times when you poop, you have to piss too.
Some of the toilet lids on the public toilets have a big gap
and i i've literally like you're like oh i'm gonna pee while i'm sitting here and you piss
and your penis is in such an angle that it goes through the crack and all over the floor
has that ever happened to you yeah yeah i used to have quite a bit i don't know what i did different
maybe i sit further back on the toilet or something but it hasn't
happened in a while it the last time it happened to me i was at work my old job i was it there
i had to clean the whole bathroom like you do it at home or if you do it like clean your piss up
if it happens anywhere but it's like if it happens in a loves truck stop it's like all right i'm
gonna i'm not gonna touch this floor i'm gonna get a bunch of napkins and get the most of the piss up and throw it in the toilet and then go but because it was
like at a at an advertising firm where i worked i was like okay but it really is one of those
things that you just i don't even notice it until i have a puddle of piss around my feet
and then i'm like oh the worst thing i mean i guess the worst thing that can happen to you
in a public restroom is you had someone has sex with you that you don't want.
The worst is you ever flush and you accidentally left your penis in the toilet.
It just unravels like a fucking magician's ribbon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I knew one of my first introductions to the fact that people's penises are different sizes,
obviously other than like the classic gym.
You ever set it down on the very tip of the seat?
I mean the inner, the inners, like you sit down wrong and you just, it's like a public
restroom and you just set the head of your penis onto the toilet seat.
No, I've never done that.
If you sit...
No.
I mean, you sit down wrong and you hit your...
Oh, I thought you were saying you just place your dickhead on the...
No, I don't mean like that.
That would be really bad.
Yeah, just to touch it on there.
When it does touch the seat in any way...
Yeah.
Especially if it's a port-a-potty or something
I really try and avoid port-a-potties
at all costs
and now that I'm not like
now that I don't plan on having a career in construction
like I'll be gone
from the job site for 40 minutes
to avoid being on a
port-a-potty and nobody's
happy about it but it's just sort of how it ends up
going for everybody else you know yeah no no it the the worst ones are the pissing on your feet
oh i was gonna say that i remember when i was in like eight eight and i was like eighth or ninth
grade and uh i think we were having a similar conversation this was like in a gym like pe or
athletics or whatever i forget what
class i was in but i think they call it athletics to make kids who don't play football feel better
about themselves but it's just gym for teenagers um anyway we were having similar conversations
one kid was like uh yeah dude like i hate it when i sit down and like you know how the tip of your
penis touches the toilet water and i was like oh, that doesn't happen to me, man.
I'm sorry.
That's something that happens to you if God gives you a gift.
You know what I mean?
Now, if you're on like a high-flow toilet, maybe it gives you a little ego boost,
but no.
Don't you hate it when you're at the urinal and you shake off your little thing
and then you put it back in your pants, but there's a little bit left,
and then you have blood on your pants for the rest of the day
that that um dude i'll my penis will hide like an extra cup of your sometimes like i dude i shake
and i'm done i got like a p-trap situation i think yeah same i don't know i i'll be done dude
i'll do the dribble i'm good i put my penis back in and then
my penis releases like a quarter cup of piss onto my and like i and in the house it's like okay
just change or whatever but i i still feel embarrassed to tell my fiance like
i'm like she's like why why'd you change pants and i'm like oh i was um i am uh i was oh actually i was cheating on you
and um i came on my i came on these when i was cheating i didn't piss my pants i just cheated
on no yeah that's what i did i didn't i'm not a grown man who doesn't know how to urinate
yeah yeah i i committed a really evil did a really bad thing, and that's the thing I did.
And I didn't finish pissing, and then my own dick betrayed me and put pee-pee in my fucking athletic shorts.
So much so, not even a couple drops you can get away with, but enough to where I had to change my pants.
No, that's not what happened.
Yeah.
Welcome to Padeo Time.
Welcome.
This is a free episode.
Yeah Welcome to Padejo Time
Welcome
This is a free episode
You gotta
The thing about pissing is
You think that you know how to do it
Past like 12
But life hits you with so many different
Do you remember the first time that you went pee
And the stream went two different streams?
Yeah I think so
Well it's been a few times but
I've been hit with the sideways
stream from a young that one's a real heartbreaker that one sucks um i did it um accidentally
on some this was we had just moved into this house like straight onto the wallpaper
in this like bathroom and it was like
it was like like my mom had picked it out it was like it's like a powder room or something you know
yeah i don't know that's just a fancy name for not having a shower in there but um yeah yeah
i love when uh when southern i guess it's not a thing. I guess it's just my meemaw would call the half bathroom
and her like shitty little house is like,
oh, that's, I keep my twasers in the powder room.
And I'm like, Dad, we don't got to, this is not a powder room
where nobody's powdering in here.
This is where the cockroaches live.
This is not, nobody, Elizabeth Taylor isn't in here
getting ready for the ball.'s you know if i built a house i'll have a back shots room in it oh man
i wanted to tell you i wanted to text you this you just remind thank you for saying back shots
yeah um connor mcgregor i've been watching the ultimate fighter and i connor is like not he's
he's not coaching good he's on a he lost like
seven in a row or whatever but this most recent one i don't know dude the camera stayed on him
while he was saying this and i know they why they were doing that he kept trying to talk to his
fighter who was fighting in the cage and he was like hit him with the back hand hit him with
the the backhand shot but he was like getting too and he was like you gotta hit him with the backhand shot, but he was like getting too and he was like you gotta hit him with the back shots
You hit him with the back shot and the back shot puts him away
The left hand sets up the back shot and the back shot you hit him with so many but and like he just kept saying
Back shots and it just kept cutting to him in a fucking fool like way too small tuxedo suit all bloated
Just like once that back shot hits. He's not gonna know what to do
You're gonna hit him with the backshot and he's going to fall.
Like I was just sitting there.
I was like, dude, there's nobody going to go over to Conor's ear and be like,
hey, you got to separate backhand and shot.
Backshot means something else.
I know you're not an old guy, but this is going to make its way to Instagram
and then to TikTok, and then it's just going to be kind of a field day for you.
It's – anyway, yeah, i was sitting there watching and i was like i need to send this i was just cracking up because
the he's just not been like i guess a good he's not been like really coaching these guys he just
gives them like really drunk stepdad advice he's like you take your pain and you put it
you throw it in a ball and you put it in the backyard
and then that's it.
And then he just leaves in a Lamborghini.
It's just like shirtless.
He just like comes in, spars with the guys,
beats the shit out of them.
He's like, great training today, boys.
And then just gets in a quarter million dollar supercar
and goes home, which is awesome.
That's the way you should do it, I think.
Yeah.
I fear what will happen if I ever cross paths with him.
I think I will probably kill him.
I hate to say it.
Easily.
Easily, yeah.
I think, you know, with our combined experiences,
I think that would be a good fight, and it would be a long fight too.
It would.
It would, you know, because I've been hitting the gym, you know,
two or three times a week right now.
So, you know, I'm in the best shape of pretty much anybody's life, you know.
And he's – I feel like he's too fat and happy, you know.
He doesn't want it anymore.
When the strong become soft, the soft will become hard.
You know what I mean?
Right now, when I think about Conor McGregor, I'm becoming hard.
You know what I mean?
I feel like I had chicken salad and takis for lunch, but also I feel like that's warrior food.
You know what I mean?
I made a little fruit platter, and I had some strawberry licorice.
And I felt like as I was walking around Target this afternoon,
I was like, man, I feel like I'm walking up the mountain.
I'm ready to face the beast.
I'm like, you know, I'm forged from iron. And, you know, they say iron sharpens iron, you know what I'm ready to face the beast. Yeah. I'm like, you know, I'm forged from iron.
And, you know, they say iron sharpens iron.
You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
They do say that.
Yeah, I don't think I, you know, I've been a fan of the sport for a long time.
But I think really at this point, Al Conner is, you know, you're just a walking lawsuit.
When I was hanging around in Ireland, I was like, where's this guy at?
I want to tell him that his beer sucks,
and then I want him to break my jaw in 16 places,
and then I want to get everybody that he encounters that he punches
just becomes a millionaire because he settles.
It's like when the football players get caught doing really bad stuff,
and the person drops their charges, and they settle out of court.
The woman drops the charges and then that woman gets awarded an undisclosed amount of money, as she should.
He's that, but for just guys who DJs and old men and just normal guys.
There's videos of him being like, try my whiskey. And you're like, there's videos of him, you know, being like,
uh,
try my whiskey.
And people are like,
that's all right.
And then the next thing he does is he punches in the mouth and the head a
couple of times,
which I mean,
whatever,
you know,
I just think if you're,
you know,
if you're in Ireland,
if you're one of our,
I don't know,
60 fans who live in the Emerald Isles,
just go wherever he is on Instagram and and just tell him that his beer sucks.
And then if you're really broke,
follow him around.
He'll punch you eventually
and you can live a happy life.
You can live a good life.
I need a personal injury lawsuit soon.
I got rear-ended once
and got like 600 bucks
and it was one of the best days of my life.
I was really broke.
What was his name?
His name was Brad brad pitt
and he hit me and it was really the start of a really interesting relationship between me and
brad uh me and brad have known each other now for like 15 years and uh you know we're not serious
he i'm kind of like the side piece but it is what it is you know yeah um how about how about uh
i just thought of a really funny joke you want to hear it nope yeah fine man what would you call
brad pitt's ex-wife if she played soccer i don't know angelina goli there you go that's pretty good
thank you for saying that to me man
I appreciate that
yep
just kind of working
on punching up
my comedy game
recently
trying to hit
my first open mic
you know
been in the booth
working on jokes
like crazy
it's very funny
to imagine a comedian
in the booth
like writing
like just like
write it in
yeah it's like
Mark Norman
but he's like
in the studio
yeah yeah
I uh
I talked to this lady
Joe Budden
for some reason
yeah he's
he's in the booth
with Walker
like all of his tags
he just Walker
repeats them
pussy
I uh
yeah I
I don't know why
he talks like that
I uh
I don't know
he's a funny guy
we're not as close
as we used to be
me and Mark
you and Mark yeah we used to god we used to be, me and Mark.
You and Mark?
Yeah, we used to, God, we used to frolic in the fields like nobody's business.
Back when we were in daycare together.
Honestly, men don't frolic anymore. That's what's the problem with masculinity in our society is that men don't frolic.
They're too focused on...
Men don't meander in pastures anymore.
Yeah, men don't run their hands lightly over a wheat field as they ride across on a single gear bicycle.
Men don't listen to Matchbox 20 anymore.
They listen to fucking How to Get La laid sex podcasts, which sucks because you shouldn't be listening to that type of stuff.
Men would rather whack on their Johnsons than listen to Jack Johnson.
That's true.
You like that?
you like that man i uh there was like a good two-year period when i was in high school where like uh there was a certain type of guy that would bring his guitar to lunch which like look
the only people in my mind that are allowed to bring instruments to a public place are like
really cool blues guitarist homeless guys and schizophrenics um but in a high school
setting it's like there's a certain type of guy that can do it and that guy is typically
you know like a like an autistic cool guy or whatever i don't know but there was a there was
like a two-year period in high school where like uh people would bring their guitars and they'd
play jack johnson songs like in the cafeteria
like on the like sitting on the lunch table or whatever and it always pissed me off i know i've
been out of high school like fucking 100 years now but i hope that if you did that you don't
have a job right now and that you're living uh destitute and dejected life because you it was
just annoying it's annoying to it's like guitar at a party guy.
You know what I mean?
Like guitar at a party guy.
Like, what are we doing?
You know?
Like, you got to be really good.
You got to be super good.
And you can't even...
I mean, even if you're like ironically doing Wonderwall,
it's like, all right, I get it.
You know what I mean?
Can't be doing that type of stuff.
Yeah.
That's so true.
I hate it whenever i'm at high school
parties and somebody brings me i just want to hang out you know what i mean i'm just trying to
like i brought beer for everybody i'm just trying to fucking chill out i got work tomorrow
yeah i gotta get back to the office i got a a wife and kids. I can't be...
Come on, guys.
Just relax.
Guys, can we just...
We came here to unwind and let off steam.
We can't be bringing...
I'm just trying to roll up some Skrilla.
You know what I mean?
I brought so much loud,
and you're trying to play fucking...
Goddamn Alex G covers, man.
Come on, what are we, in 10th grade?
Oh, you are in 10th grade?
I'm sorry.
I didn't.
I'm like a mature adult.
I come here to these parties to give you guys sage wisdom.
You know, the type of wisdom that you can only get from a 28-year-old man.
You guys probably have never even cyphered before.
You probably never even been over like a Mac Miller type beat,
which I've probably been over every single one,
so I don't even want to freestyle right now.
You guys have probably never even done the whole Alchemist YouTube catalog instrumentals.
Yeah.
Yeah, just do MF Doom, the Special Herbs or whatever,
instrumental tape, and just put it on shuffle.
And just see how a master works.
I'll go over anything.
I don't really give a fuck.
I'm honestly not even here for the girls.
I'm here to spit.
A 27-year-old man at a high school party
being like, I'm not even here for the girls.
I'm here to rap.
I'm just here to hone my craft.
Honestly, the girls here are kind of mid
compared to the ones at my job.
Yeah, I work in a burn clinic and and the girls there, dude, jeez Louise.
I'm telling you, real smoke shows.
Dude, if you guys ever...
No pun intended.
Yeah, like I don't work at the dentist, but I've been there a couple times.
Some of the bitches there, bro, it's like they're trying to...
Like there was one, I told her to clean all my
fucking teeth and she did it it's crazy she cleaned the fuck out of my teeth so good i thought she was
trying to give me pussy yeah yeah she put her fingers in my she said open wide i said yes ma'am
yeah she put her fingers in my mouth so i knew she was trying to fuck and i knew they were cool
because i shit my pants if somebody puts their fingers in my mouth.
And I did it and they didn't say nothing.
Yeah, like.
And they told me I had.
They tried to flirt with me.
They said I had gangavitis.
They said, yeah, they said I had gang, I had gangstervitis.
And.
Yeah.
There's one thing that like, like, dude, so she had her fingers in my mouth and she was like, yeah, make sure you keep this open.
And I was like, damn, she really she's really trying to get this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And and then she put gloves on and I was like, oh, she's a freaky little bitch.
She's a freaky little thing, you know?
Yeah.
And then she was like, have you been flossing?
And I was like, yeah.
And she was like, are you lying?
And I knew the way that she was playing with me that she was
we didn't have sex but i mean we're we're gonna hang out uh in six weeks when i go for my schedule
cleaning yeah she said she started talking about her fiance i know she was just trying to make me
jealous yeah she and that's your work that's yeah i was so mad that's my that's my kathy
yeah i bit her finger real hard and she was like like, please don't do that. And I was like, quit playing hard to get.
Yeah, I said, what do I use to brush my bone?
And I took my penis out and started brushing it with a toothbrush.
Yeah, well, it's like she had her fingers in my mouth, and I was asking her.
I was like, so, like, does gangstervitis, I bet it helps sexually.
And she was like, well, no, actually, like, you know, you can get blood infections that can make you impotent. And she was like, well, no, actually like, you know,
you can get blood infections that can make you impotent.
And I was like,
damn,
she's already talking about,
she's here talking to me about my penis.
She's trying to have kids with me.
Damn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And she,
she kept saying,
she kept saying,
I'm not saying gangster vitis.
I'm saying gingivitis.
It can,
it can become periodontitis.
And I was like,
you're,
you're pretty.
And I'm done. Yeah. i'm the tightest so okay
yeah yeah they told me i got pvc just from eating pussy
i've been they tell me i'm not allowed to go to the dentist no more i've had to go to like
several different dentists outside of the county in which i live because
i have people say that it's burning bridges but what it is is you know closed mouths don't get fed
and and i have i've really hit it off with like three dentists yeah you know what i hate i hate
when you get a boy dentist yeah that shit pissed me off i ain't opening my i ain't letting you put
your fucking hairy ass fingers in my butt i bet you i bet you'd like't opening my i ain't letting you put your fucking hairy ass fingers
in my butt i bet you i bet you'd like it if my dick had teeth on it so you could yeah you could
you could fucking yeah around with it yeah yeah he was like you want laughing gas i was like hell
no i don't laugh i don't giggle in front of y'all i don't giggle in front of men hit the fucking
i hit the weight room you know yeah? Yeah. I'm trying to fucking...
Yeah.
Oh, you got that white coat on.
I bet you wish it was a...
I bet you wish that was a clear condom and you were a penis so you could go into my butt.
Weirdo.
Man, I'm so...
Yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
I don't...
Okay.
We're just going to get through this cleaning and then we're going to...
Just a heads up, guys.
I got AIDS, but it's just in one tooth as long as you avoid that one you're gonna be fine
um so thanks for um how we've been doing today you've been uh you've been flossing
yeah i floss i've been flossing non-stop teeth, dick hard. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I stay steady flossing.
Well, okay, so what are you flossing with?
Chains.
I step out the house.
Yeah, whips.
I'm leasing a BMW right now. It's $756 a month.
I got an Omega from my grandpa dying.
Yeah, I got a replica Patek Philippe
from the Chinese market in
the Bronx.
I got a fucking...
I got a...
I got a...
I got a big old dick.
I got a big dick
and I got two nuts with a dick on it.
I got a big dick with two nuts on it yeah i got my dick big you got a head on it got a hole in it i got this hole in my dick just for
cum to come out of i don't even let p come out i hold that shit in because i time is money and
money is money is piss pee is you put the money
in the pee then you don't let it out
the dentist is giving you fucking
anesthesia to put you under for a cleaning
he's just tired of hearing it he's like
alright we're gonna give you something to help you calm down a little bit
uh I appreciate you
you know you're a talkative guy when you come in here
and it's always fun to have you in Tom
but uh we're gonna uh
y'all laughing y'all said y'all giving me laughing ass I'm trying to get some here and it's always it's always fun to have you in tom but uh we're gonna uh yo laughing
y'all said y'all giving me laughing ass i'm trying to get some laughing ass in here yo
i love a funny bitch yeah i love a bitch you tell me a joke i love a silver silver
ceremony type girl Silver Sarah Y'all ever seen her clips
On YouTube
They fucking
Y'all
Silver Sarah
I think
I think she's from
Palestine or something
Yeah I think
She's from the desert
I think
It's that desert bitch
With the yonkers
I think she lives
Where Eleven
Eleven lives
That
That boy
What right on the rug Yo I've been watching louis suki on the
fucking tv he's my favorite japanese comedian he's my favorite japanese comedian louis suki
yeah bro he it's like he orange but he mexican yeah yeah he says stuff like oh i love when he
say that he got a dog i like it when he say that he got a dog.
I like it when he say that he has trouble with commitment because that'd be me as hell.
Yeah, I can't even commit to this dental hygienist cleaning because I'm getting horny as hell.
Y'all got my legs popped up on this bed, and that makes me crazy.
It makes me think crazy thoughts.
Yeah, I relate to Louis Suku whenever he talks about being a father because i feel like i fathered a lot of these
motherfuckers the way they acting and walking around like pretending to be me like from the
chains to to the to the title of the creator hats to like the um to the shoes I feel like I was the first motherfucker to ever wear Jordans.
I was the first one to wear underwear.
You know what I mean?
And a lot of people, every time, now everybody is wearing briefs.
I was the first motherfucker to keep my dick out of the boxers.
So that when bitches pull my pants down, they see that wood.
Yeah.
All right, well, the anesthesia is not working so we're gonna yeah yeah because i stay fucked up i stay so yeah is it wait is there reefer in the anesthesia
wait could you could you put cali cush in the machine it It's Propofol, so it's going to put you right over here.
Propane?
Yeah.
When are we going to grill time?
Yeah.
Y'all watch Hank at the Hill?
That's my... I love when he calls his wife his...
I love when he talks to Peggy.
I've been laughing at Hinky Hill all weekend.
That shit's funny as hell.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't got, my cable's weird.
I get like weird channels from Serbia, so I got Hinky Hill.
I got Sponge Beck.
Yeah, I've been on, I watched Spongebob last weekend.
That shit was funny as fuck.
I don't know.
I think my wires are crossed.
I don't got cable or nothing.
I can't afford it, so I got a satellite.
I get all the Uzbekistani channels, so I get. and potrick yeah i guess i get square bob and peter
and that shit just be funny as hell dude when they they peter lives under a big concrete block
and he he inject concrete concordale into his fucking nutsack and andongblock. He works at the machine shop 16 hours a day,
and there's never sunlight where he lives.
Oh, and they got that motherfucker what played the clarinet, Nikolai.
Yeah, I made my own version of Pinky and the Brain with your girl.
I called it Dinky and the Stain.
I called it Penis call it i called it i called it penis in the sperm
yeah because i'll be they don't they don't know i really tried to make something with dinky in
the stain and i thought it was well the thing is when i first started that joke i thought it was
pinky in the worm and then i remembered as i delivered that it was pinky in the worm. And then I remembered as I delivered that it was pinky in the
brain, but I still
wanted to say pinky. I still
wanted to say penis in the sperm.
Okay, I got you. That's fine.
So I said, fuck it.
It's our show. We can say things like that.
We can meet in the middle of penis in the pussy.
That's my new show.
Oh, damn. A really
intelligent, kind of
psycho scientist
penis in his idiot friend
who is an anthropomorphized
pussy. They get into so many
hijinks. Yo,
am I at the penis in the pussy restaurant?
Can I get the penis in the
pussy special? Hold the penis,
add extra pussy.
That's some shit I would worry over there i think you're on a date waiter comes by it's like uh can i get you on she's like oh i like
the calamari we'll start with some calamari and you're like trying to impress her and you're like
yeah i'll get the penis and pussy special hold Hold that penis. Extra pussy on the side. Yeah, hold this penis.
Extra pussy on the side.
And make it, um... Yeah, make it good.
Extra good for me.
Make it extra good.
I don't want none of that bad pussy.
Yeah, can I get a, um...
Can I get a side of the toes curling?
Ooh.
That moan action.
I don't know if you're trying to be funny,
but it's really making me uncomfortable the way you're talking to the waiter.
Yeah, well, like, I'm just trying to let you know that I'm straight
and that I don't want him to bring me a penis on a plate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I bet your last boyfriend probably went to the penis in the pussy restaurant.
He ordered penis with a side of balls hold the pussy
my last boyfriend
was
my last boyfriend was
he was a gaslighter
and a narcissist
and so
I don't think he would order the penis
with a side of balls with no pussy but
he definitely um you know people who are you know abusive will probably do something like that so
yeah i wouldn't do nothing like that baby i just hit bitches
yeah i'm not gonna lie to you or nothing i'm not gonna like manipulate you or nothing because
honestly i'm not smart enough to like Challenge your perception of reality but
I be throwing one twos down the pipe at bitches
For sure I gotta be
My last girl knocked me out I had to
I had to buy
I had to use my friend's sniper rifle
Blow her mailbox up
Yeah yeah look here's the thing it's kind of a catch
It's kind of a catch
Double edged sword cause like I hit bitches but I don't
Hit hard so like i yeah i actually my last bitch went to jail because i hit her so hard that my
my um my jaw broke whenever my fist landed and then it missed her yeah um yeah i don't i'm having
so much time fun on this date i'm not even thinking about beating the shit out of you
yeah my last girlfriend um actually went to jail because i broke my penis jacking off to her instagram
yeah and i said that's yeah no i said and then i said i sent a detective his name was sherlock home
sherlock holmes and he went to her house and he knocked on the door and he said, I'm sorry, but due to the conditions of the arrest, you must be considered for jail.
Yeah.
And so they sent her to jury duty and they took, she showed up and she gave them all her jury and her chains and her necklace and everything.
And they said, one million days, no bail, no parole, and you can never get out.
And you are, from this moment on, a burnt-ass bitch.
And I didn't agree with the sentence because I was there.
Because actually, the judge, it was actually a MILF that I used to bone down.
And it was a, I don't, like, it doesn't matter, but it was like a woman of color.
I don't like, it doesn't matter, but it was like a woman of color that I think you're so like, I just love how progressive you are.
And I've been having a really good time on the state and I thought it was so cool and like really sexy when you ordered the penis and pussy platter, hold the penis, extra pussy. And I thought it was so cool the way that you said that you, uh, that you, I thought it was so like it was so – because men are such trash these days and they lie so much.
And when you told me that you don't lie to women, it made me so happy.
And I think that like honestly, like I know you say that you do punch women.
But sometimes, you know, like I think that like a man has to assert himself.
So I think that we're hitting this off great.
Yeah, I like to assert myself into your
uh pussy i like to assert my penis into there after dinner if you're cool paying and then
fucking me yeah so like um i i've been watching a lot of uh coco melon and damn the way that them
the way that those people the way that those little kids chase after that butterfly just fucking –
it inspires me to, like, try harder at my job,
which is to go down in the sewer and kill all the rats
so they don't get into people's houses.
The city of Houston had to invent a job for me because my dad is the mayor.
And so – well, he thinks he's the mayor.
He lives under I-45.
But the city, I was causing so much havoc
and knocking out so many women in the city
that they had to come and invent me a job.
So I go down in the sewer and I kill all the rats.
My last job was whenever I invented the Xbox
and I got a million dollars for it.
And then they said,
they said, Big big tom you so smart
that we gonna put you in charge of working part-time at this gas station yeah honestly
like it was fucked up the way that when i invented the xbox like so like i didn't get the million
dollars like i didn't get no money from it but like uh like bill gate bill gate stole my idea
but that's bill like bill is a shine blocker and he is a clout chaser and he's an idea steward
yeah and so like when i invented the xbox he's like damn that's cold as hell and i said you're
right big billy um you can hold on to this for a second i gotta go back to work at the gas station
and then next thing i know the xbox is
released he make a million dollars so i don't got money to pay for dinner right now but when i get
my xbox royalties next month on the first um i will be paying you back for dinner yeah like
honestly from an economic like standpoint like a lot of my life was luster and i was watching um like
during hurricane katrina i was watching a documentary on on my phone and i had my car
running i was on the toilet watching the documentary i had my car running uh because it'll take like four hours to fill up my car because it's a landry guinea
and so i was at the gas station and i was watching uh i was watching hurricane caprice on my phone
and i come outside and i didn't even have a chance to pull out put like pull up my pants
because my dick was i remember my penis was still on the ground i hadn't even have a chance to pull out, like, pull up my pants because my dick was, I remember my penis was still on the ground.
I hadn't even picked it up yet.
I came out and my fucking Lamborghini got stolen.
I think it's so, I'm so glad I wrote to you while you were in prison.
And I'm so happy that you chose to go on this date with me after you got out of prison because i love that you invented the xbox i think that's so hot yeah
i love that you invented the xbox i love that you work at a gas station because that means that you
not only are you an entrepreneur but you also you um but also you like to work at um you know like
you keep yourself humble.
And I also love that,
you know,
Bill Gates,
which is really cool because I am trying to be a model for Microsoft.
I'm very boot collar.
Yeah.
I just,
I wish people would pick themselves up by their boob straps.
You know what I mean?
Like,
because a lot of motherfuckers today are so lazy,
and they want other people to pull up their boob straps for them.
Yeah, like, my dad pulled his boob straps up,
so he went from living in the ocean to under the bridge.
Literally, he had to eat other fishes to survive in a school of fish.
under the bridge literally he had to eat other fishes to survive in a school of fish he had to be a fish for 20 years because he was from philippine and he had to be a philippine fish
for 50 years before they would ever even let him become a shark and let him eventually become a
animal to live on the land.
So you've got to think about all the single-celled urbanisms that evolved from, say, like, yeah.
Hey, guys, I have your calamari here.
I did go talk to the chef, and I knew that we didn't have this. I really don't know why you said this to me, but I had to check with the manager.
You both insisted.
We don't have the penis and pussy platter,
and because we don't have that,
I can't bring you extra pussy hold of penis.
And so I have the calamari here.
It is a food item that you ordered.
I don't have the penis and pussy platter.
Is there any penis left?
Listen, I don't know if I'm on some sort of YouTube thing.
Did y'all 86 penis for the night, or is it still good?
This is an Italian restaurant.
We don't serve penis oh i got you
we serve um pussy and uh could i have a side of that ass no that's the side of that ass and that
pussy and i would like to order a round for the table of um um i would like back shots for the lady and for the man
I would like
I'm the man
there's not a second
yeah there is there's a second man
for the other man here who's also on a date
for our polycule
I would like to order him back shots as well
but not for me because I ain't on no gay shit right now
so if you guys don't have the
penis and pussy platter like my man ordered,
I would really appreciate if you went back and
asked if you had any
of the
of that fat booty cheek
platter. And if you don't,
then we really just sort of need to have a conversation about
what your men's have.
Could I also get a round of sperms?
Listen, guys, I don't know what's happening,
but I can promise you, ma'am,
that we don't have the fat booty cheek flambe,
and we do not carry sperm here.
So I'm going to go away for a second,
and I'm going to have you guys look at the menu again,
and then we're just going to go from there. Okay? I'll come
back in like 15, 20
minutes is when I'll be back. I'm not
Alright. You guys have a good one. Oh, and we don't
We've got shots. We don't
have back shots.
I know what you're saying. I know
what you're doing.
We don't have that. It's a sexual
thing. Yeah, that's
awesome, man. i'm really i'm
really happy for you uh your ankle both both of us uh we tag team this lady and we do it we try
and do a good job but basically a lot of time what happened is is sometimes my uh my earrings
my earrings they'll get tangled up and shit okay i'm gonna um i'm just gonna bring you guys a round
of whiskey shots um and uh and then you guys look at the menu okay i'll be back
oh we're about to get fucked up he's so rude because when you when you order um
fat booty cheeks or when you order penis and pussy platter you get what you want the customer's always right yeah i feel like he's prebidist like against like like molecule couples yeah i think he
just don't like when a player has more money than him because he's a broke ass uh waiting tables at
a restaurant and he don't work at the gas station like me and my friend yeah i don't think he ever
i feel like he never ran a train on the hose and now he's like real
sad about it because he never got to be the last one to go yeah it's like hopping in a race car
that's already been on a few laps so it's all warmed up yeah it's like when you when you know
you got a flat tire but you're too far away from the gas station to park so it's just
yeah you know what i mean it's like it's like uh when they? It's like when somebody puts soap bubbles into the hot tub,
and you get in there, and you know it's not supposed to be in there,
but it feels so good.
Yeah.
You got so many foam up on there, and it's two feet of foam up,
and you sit on there with all your in-laws because you're all at a hotel in Arkansas.
Hey, you a fancy bitch ordering calamari.
Like, what the hell even is...
Is this when they put the octopus...
Is that pussy?
No, so calamari is a really fancy
dish. I had it
when I worked
at the airport, Applebee's.
Calamari is...
It's like
squid, but they
put the same stuff on it that they put on french fries. It's really good
Damn damn
Why this tastes like white girl pussy?
Yeah, like I don't really eat nothing but
Spaghetti O's cuz it's like that's all that I get from from from the
From the county tax office when I go down there and hang out.
But this shit be good as hell.
And this place fancy.
I feel if I would have known that they would have had, like, the lights with no light bulbs in them in here.
It's, like, dork as hell in here.
I would have brought something else other than my fucking Cookie Monster slip-ons and my fucking golf shorts.
Yeah.
Anyway,
bitch.
Bitch?
You look good as hell.
Girl, you look so good.
If you was...
Girl, if you was a snowman,
I'd accessorize you.
That's so sweet.
Thank you for saying that.
I'd put fucking buttons and shit made out of coal and I'll carve a snowman pussy in you.
That is so sweet.
Thank you for saying that.
I'll get frostbite on my thing and like.
You would if I was a snowman, but I'm not.
Yeah.
Here's a question for y'all, for all the members of the Polycule.
Would y'all ever give a snowman back shots?
Or would you have sex with...
If you could get anything you wanted from Santa,
but you had to suck all the reindeer's dicks,
and then you had to fuck all the reindeer,
and then you had to...
You had to give Mrs. Claus back shots while Santa watched.
And then you had to drink Santa's cum.
And then you had to drink it out of a goblet like a king would have.
Or a pimp.
Like a pimp.
Honestly, probably because when my mama took me to the mall to see Santa,
we went to the greens point mall and
like santa santa was like i to this day i think maybe santa was going through some shit because
he smelled he smelled like rubbing alcohol he kept rubbing the inside of my leg and he said
what do you want what you want santa had a real thick louisiana accent and i thought santa's from north pole i
thought he talked like tim allen but he was like i i told you you get whatever you want for christmas
if you just come over here and sit up on it and i thought that was pretty fucked up with santa to do
but you know i did get my taco trunk that year so i guess i guess i did the right thing uh hey guys
here's your three round of whiskey shots
and i see you guys are have been really enjoying the calamari uh yeah this i was telling them i
think this tastes like white girl pussy wow okay um yeah i uh all right okay keep my fucking job
okay yeah the calamari i have heard it described as it tastes like white girl
pussy um that's not the seasoning we use but i i i think you know however the the food whatever
emotions it evokes in you you know i i appreciate how excited you were to tell me that um did we
see anything on the menu that looks good yeah i like uh i wanted to get um can i uh y'all got alabaster
um do you are you are you trying to ask i usually eat like 1942 and –
Are you talking about the tequila?
Rolls Royce.
Y'all got Rolls Royces to eat?
So alabaster I think is a color.
If you're talking about 1942, the tequila, we do have that.
I'm surprised you know what that is if you're talking
about 1942 the year we don't serve moments in time here again this is an italian restaurant
uh and it uh rolls royce is a car uh so well we was just at the rolls royce restaurant maybe
that's what i was thinking because they got alabasters there um that's incredible
i didn't uh okay all right um well i'm gonna circle back to you um let's find out what the
lady would want man where can i get you um i would like just um a bowl of salmon in a in a big steel bowl, and I would like it raw. I'm a cat.
And I would like it lightly seasoned with sea salt.
And I'm a big cat, and so I need 15 pounds of it.
Okay, 15 pounds of raw salmon at market price is going to be about $962.
So we'll make that.
Do I look broke to you?
These two men are paying for my dinner.
Yeah.
She's a cat.
Yeah, I got so much money for my Xbox.
I'm kind of worried I brought too much money in here.
Yeah, I'm kind of worried I brought too much money. Yeah, I'm kind of worried I brought
too much money
for this.
That's a good market
price for salmon.
To be completely honest with you,
Mr. Waiter, my name is John. I told you that.
To be completely honest with you, John Waiter,
I feel like
you're disrespecting our woman
here and you don't support the molecule community
so
I feel like we need to get this meal
honestly we was talking about
killing you after we eat
we was talking about maybe tying you up and taking your kneecaps
off and like turn them into
turple shells
and like you ever see a a turbo going around with a shell
and you think that's like a kneecap?
That's us, motherfucker.
I got a question for the three of you.
Are any of you
guys literate?
Do any of you know how to read?
Yeah, I know how to fucking read.
Yeah, of course we fucking...
I know how to...
Women been liberate since the fucking 15th century.
$1, $5 bill, $10 bill, $50 bill.
Yeah, money spread, motherfucker.
Motherfucker?
Yeah, so I know I fucking...
Yeah.
I know my time starts...
I can count my fucking nipples.
You want to count them?
One, two, bitch.
I do have four.
My uncle was also my mom.
This motherfucker had an otter.
Yeah, you know what they call me back home in the fucking back when I don't run with that life no more, but I was called Stinky Otter.
Yeah.
I roll up on motherfuckers like, oop.
You're going to paddle the damn water in that bitch.
Yeah, you think you fucking playing around.
My bitch a cat.
What are we doing?
Bitch, we got more sticks than beavers, motherfucker.
You don't want this with us?
Yeah, damn.
Because we got more sticks than beavers.
Yeah.
Okay, I feel...
And you're going to be on the critically endangered list when we're done with Joe.
There's only going to be six of you left in the wild.
And there's going to be 20 of you in captivity, pussy.
There's only going to be... We fight, it's only going to be six of you left in the wild, and there's going to be 20 of you in captivity, pussy. It's only going to be, we fight, it's only going to be six hits.
Both of us hitting you twice, you hitting one of us once, and then the cat hitting you one time.
Yeah, that's how, and, and.
Yeah, um, I don't really got much else to say about that but i you can trust that um if you don't
bring us um a bowl of salmon stat for our cat wife in the molecule that you're gonna find out
why they call me stinky otter and why they call him fucking dangerous mike dangerous mike and
bring us a plate of cat dick too for the lady. Cause apparently no,
neither of us can have sex with this animal anymore.
We thought this was a human briefly,
but she,
she type of,
she,
one of them,
she,
one of them fucking hybrid.
You ever see a chimera type bitch?
I bet you.
I mean,
yeah.
Cause I bet you what type,
what kind of wife you got?
Uh,
my wife is,
um,
my wife's,
my wife's from the united states yeah you
ever never had no chimera bitch what will you breed one does she throw her back does she throw
her tail back do you like trains my wife is a engineer yeah so she do probably fuck with trains
because that's the most important part of a trans engineer that's my favorite type of indian food chicken engineer yeah
all right y'all got chicken engineer here that's my favorite type of fucking anyway um
that is that's a new my homeboy was the chief engineer at low-key low-key marvin
just it just gets it just gets so unintelligible.
Just not.
Yeah, we used to call him Low-Key Marvin
because he worked at Low-Key
and that's his favorite show
to watch while he was building the Rockets.
Yeah, my girl sells shit at Home Depot.
She sells dresses
at the Home Depot
and she fucking sells earrings
and shit and little belly shirts.
It's funny my homeboy work at Loebs because I'm trying to get high.
Are you replacing all the W's and E's with B's?
Yub.
Yub.
Biatch.
Biatch.
Or shit.
Wiatch.
Yeah, you know, well, that's, here's the bill, guys.
I think I'm going gonna quit my job uh this has been the worst day of my life yeah you ain't got no money oh yeah i'm done
with this i that was fine that's a new sketch we're working on you were saying you're gonna
quit your uh freelancing job and i'm saying all right i mean that's your i don't know it's been uh it's been like a really uh
i i've done it before but it's like a mix of unemployed and employed it's like
it's just i i don't i don't know i don't i don't make enough money really and that sucks
but i also don't like not working and working a little bit is cool but i wish instead of making
what i make that i made like five hundred thousand dollars a minute of course you know yeah instead
you gotta sell for five hundred thousand a year and that's i know that's tough for somebody in
your yeah i'm just freelancing only making five hundred thousand dollars a year right now
um the yeah it happens yeah i uh yeah it's like it's like 10 hours or like 15 hours a week which is is i don't know i'm like oh cool it for me freelancing like is something that like
it's my own perception of myself where i'm like, damn, I had a cool ass job with health insurance.
And now I got no health insurance.
And I make fucking emails.
I make little emails for people.
And then I get paid a little bit of money so I can eat food, which is unfortunate.
But thankfully, this show, we got an email from Lorne Michaels from SNL.
And he was like, guys, all of the snl cast love your
show uh yeah the gay asian guy uh the blonde lady that was in barbie um the guy that uh that jake
did an open mic with like 15 years ago that's on that show uh that pays jake five hundred thousand
dollars a month for all his joke and ideas. Um, and then,
um,
and,
and then Keenan from Keenan and kale and kale too.
They love the show and they want to pay you guys,
um,
$2,200 a month.
To,
for the show.
Now I know you're going to lose money on this deal,
but in the long run,
you can make up to $2,700 a month what here's what would
you agree this deal okay so it would be from Lorne Michaels he's of SNL fame mm-hmm
each of us would get $100,000 over the course of 10 years.
Okay.
To keep doing the show.
But we would have to change the name
and we couldn't talk to each other on it.
We would have to record
Separately.
Separately and then they would put it together.
Okay.
One episode for everyone.
We couldn't curse
or discuss anything sexual
or talk about pop culture.
Okay.
And each show had to be six hours long.
And we have to do two episodes a day.
Two episodes a day.
Twelve hours a day.
So $100,000 is so much money.
Over the course of ten years.
That's $10,000 a year.
That is about $700 and something a month. Man, that's good. That's $10,000 a year. That is about $700 and something a month.
Man, that's good.
That's good.
And we're also not allowed to...
We can't laugh.
We can't laugh and we can't talk to our girlfriends anymore.
Dude, pitching to Eden or Ashley,
it finally happened after all these years.
It took us so many years to get here, and the deal's really good.
And, you know, they're like, what do you mean?
Like, you brought us this really nice restaurant.
Like, you know, what happened, guys?
Like, you guys get a TV show deal?
It's like, look, SNL's going to pay us $100,000 over the course of 26 years,
and we have to do six hour-long episodes two two times a day and we can never talk to you guys
ever again and we're not allowed to beat off or have sex or anything sexual ever again we have to
keep they're gonna weigh our balls every day and they have to get heavier every day even if we
stop making sperm like like guys if you guys want to leave us you don't have to concoct this fantasy and it's like
no i would never leave i would never want to ever leave but one of the stipulations of the
contract is that you i have to delete your number from my phone i can't like i like it's really sad
like i can but um one of the stipulations of the of the SNL funniest motherfuckers ever contract is they're going to pay us $100,000 over the course of 10 years and that you have to delete your Instagram forever and every social media that you have.
It says, yeah, it says part of the stipulations is that we have to eat pizza for dinner every night.
Yeah, it says that you can't make me brush my teeth before I go to bed, even though I should.
And it says that it also says that I can have a cookie when I wake up in the morning, too.
Yeah, it says also I can't wash the dishes very good anymore.
So I guess I have to stop doing a good job
guys crazy crazy news Comedy Central wants to show
but it's weird
it's like half a million dollars a year
they're going to give us a production budget
we're going to get our own sketch show
but it's a crazy thing
it says that if I ever have to
pick up the dog's poop again
we lose everything.
They kill my whole family, and I lose the show.
I mean, honestly, it sucks.
It says I can only shower twice a week now.
That's weird.
Yeah, yeah.
It says if I get in bed and I'm comfortable, you can't make me take a shower, even though I'm already cozy in bed.
It also says I can sleep in my jeans again.
Man, dude, I miss that. I i'm not gonna lie to you guys uh
also if i uh leave toothpaste like in the sink like a big blob of it it just has to stay there yeah basically it says you can't tell me anything that i have to do even if it's good for me
and um you have to listen to everything i say and uh and um and you can have like a hundred
dollars a month or something of the money oh my god it says i'm i can never go to any of my
friends weddings ever again because i'm so mad damn damn it oh my god fuck it's so cruel it says
i it says i can never fucking it says i don't have to clean my car out ever again fuck
oh man it says if i i can keep it says i have to keep my car dirty at all times
um no i mean you know i i uh one of the things that legitimately
you know you you get a girlfriend in this life and you have to make some changes. But I used to love sleeping completely clothed with my shoes on.
Passing out completely clothed is awesome.
It's some of the hardest sleep you can get.
But now my fiance,
she won't let me,
she won't let me sleep in my jeans anymore.
My boots or my shirt.
I have to wear pajamas to bed.
Like I'll fucking one of my. Adult men sleep in their clothes.
They sleep in jeans and a belt and a boot.
You know?
What the fuck are you looking at, man?
Don't worry about it.
I was thinking about...
Sleeping attire.
I think...
I think free-balling with a pair of basketball shorts.
Classic.
Classic. Classic.
Yeah.
Maybe a t-shirt if it's cold.
Some nice, like, the kind of shitty, blown-out, long pajamas that you get from Walmart in packs of 10.
Those are pretty good.
Like the plaid ones.
My mom gets me a pair every Christmas.
She's like, here you go.
And I'm like, fuck yeah, that shit rocks um i'm not a naked sleeper and i had roommates that were and i just
that's freak shit to me i don't i don't condone i have a weird fear of shitting myself that too
while sleeping naked yeah even though i have never i don't know that I've ever shit the bed ever in my life. But I'm just like, well, what if I just shit?
Yeah, that's a concern I have.
It doesn't make sense, but at the same time...
I've never been struck by lightning, but you know.
Someday I'm going to be 70, though.
Right.
And it might happen then.
By then, that route's going to be blown out by then.
You know what I mean?
Also, I'm just like, I've never had the house broken into.
I've had my car broken into, but I've never had anyone break into the house.
I don't want to get into like a shootout or a
fistfight with my penis out that's just i don't it's not something because here's the thing
i don't know if i could beat a robber in hand-to-hand combat uh maybe i could maybe i
couldn't you know or i don't know if i would win the shootout with the robber there's one thing
for certain is is that i don't want the police and the emts and like my now you know my fucking forever mentally destroyed
life partner to have to stand over my small dick pale body and be like he put up a fight
he really gave the robber all he had you know what if it what if that happens and as your body is like going
into rigor moris or whatever my penis gets hard yeah and that would suck what if the last thing
you see is as you're bleeding out and like the fucking edges of your vision are going just like
a dark black you see your penis grow the biggest it's ever been and then you die or it gets hard
but it's one inch it shrinks as it gets hard that's
what happens now that doesn't happen to you very funny very funny jake very funny i know thomas
likes when i talk like this i don't i don't enjoy that whenever i call thomas and i talk business
with him he says please do the voice for me.
No, that's not what I do.
I do enjoy talking to you.
I can't say that's my favorite voice of yours.
And you have some good ones.
But that one, you know, that one is horrible.
I actually hate it, too.
Everybody hates it.
I do it to my brother.
I think everybody in the world hates it.
That's okay.
Sometimes people just hate stuff.
It doesn't mean they're right, necessarily. They could be wrong. Yeah. Everybody in the world could it that's okay sometimes people just hate stuff yeah doesn't mean they're right necessarily yeah you're wrong yeah everybody in the world could be wrong dude they could be
wrong about that stupid shitty voice that you do but uh maybe maybe like uh maybe to certain animals
that's a pleasing noise and other human noises are horrible right about hearing frequencies of
dolphins but to me at least it's like somebody firing a gun into my ear and that's
yeah it's tough it's tough um you know what's like firing a gun into your ear the fucking
pendejo time podcast premium episodes hop on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time and toss five
dollars a month into your bank account and then transfer it into Patreon. That's $5 a month gets you a bonus episode every week.
What?
And you get access to the Discord.
Discord.
And when you get into Discord, you get so many fucking channels.
I wish people would stop asking me to make them.
They've got employees.
I wish we had less of them.
There's so many, and I think I'm going to tell the moderator to tell people to stop asking me to make them.
Plank fan, no more.
Plank, no.
If you ask me to make a fucking channel, I'm going to say no.
Pick one of the 50 that we have.
Great guy, though.
Great guy.
And he's a good moderator.
He's the best.
Stop making him mad.
I don't care what you had for lunch.
Put it in general.
Throw it in the fucking...
I think we literally have something called the trough.
Put it in there.
Please don't ask me to make a lunch chat.
Whatever.
$10 a month gets you access to all of that shit.
Bonus episodes, the Discord,
and the backlog of video episodes
plus a video episode every month. You get to be on... Wow. That's fucking crazy. Shit, bonus episodes, the Discord, and the backlog of video episodes.
Post a video episode every month.
You get to be on.
Wow.
That's fucking crazy.
That's awesome.
I just had an orgasm hearing that. I busted a big fat nut hearing about the Discord.
And then that's pretty much all the tiers that we have.
We have a joke tier that two people subscribe to.
If you're a millionaire and you listen to the show, because I know for a fact that so many millionaires and actors and politicians love this show, you can subscribe to that tier.
Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton.
Penteo time fan and innocent man.
We have a new tier, the Bill tier.
Bill Cosby.
Bill Clinton.
Bill Marr.
I don't think he's actually done anything bad. It doesn't matter. Bill Cosby. Bill Clinton. Bill Marr. I don't think he's actually
done anything bad. It doesn't matter. Bill
Nye. Bill Nye.
He's actually a Nazi and he
hates women.
So take that.
Alright bye. Bill
Liam. Bill. Goodbye.
Good Bill.