Pendejo Time - The HEB Bandit (Ft. JT Kelley)

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Comedian and long time friend of mine JT joins us to talk about Cucking, pretending to be deaf to avoid jail, and smoking heroin. Checkout JT on Instagram @godsfavoritecomedian. If you're in Austin head to his special taping at East Austin Comedy Club on January 7th, tickets on his IG.Support the Show.

Yeah. There we go. Alright. Yeah, look, there we go. Bob in his head, ready to rock. Feeling like a dang hacker. Oh man, baby. We got our good buddy, friend of the show, old buddy of mine, JT Kelly here with us. We had to walk each other through figuring out how this shit works. Welcome, JT. Yeah. Welcome, JT. Yeah, welcome, JT. Happy to be here. Happy to be here.

I've never been on Discord before. And a happy winter solstice to the both of you. Thanks, man. It's the 21st. It's a crisp 68 degrees. We don't have much time left. It's going to get nice and crispy here soon. And I'm going to have to resort to some sort of mat.

I don't think I would last too long in a Mad Max style world. I'm too soft. I watched like a couple of the David Goggins videos on YouTube, and I'm like dude I could I'm tough that makes me want to work out less yeah and then I'll like I'll go outside and it's like 83 and I'm like

ugh this is yucky so I don't I'm under no delusions or illusions that I would survive some sort of dystopian style you know world or whatever the fuck. Why would you want to? I like enjoying stuff, you know?

Yeah, we talked about that before. Making the world worse and I'm supposed to live in it? We talked about this before. JT and I, we used to go to protests together and stuff. And then, like, as we've gotten older, we've just realized that, dude, I want a fucking cheese whiz dude i don't i want i don't want any i don't want to do any type of i don't want to die in prison i want to make friends that have boats yeah yeah you you were running with a pretty wild click there for a second and i remember

talking to you after you had left the that group you were like yeah i'm just trying to fucking listen to like luke bryan on a boat on lake travis and just get my dick wet hang out my you know with my friends get fucked up you know i'm not trying to like normal human stuff you know watch movies that hey maybe the cia did help right baby it's okay my brain's strong enough to handle it now. It's like I have no interest in field stripping an AK in the cold. I have no interest in, you know, eating gruel. Like, me and you are Joey Pants from The Matrix. We're like, I don't want to know nothing.

I don't want to just put me back in. The guy that eats steak and says, I don't care if it's fake steak. I don't care if it's fake love, baby. Exactly. Yeah. I love that guy. His bald head and his good ideas, baby. Exactly, yeah. I love that guy. His bald head and his good ideas. I'm a born follower. I like that guy. I could join his religion.

Yeah, I don't see any purpose in risking my life to do anything except just seeing how many fucking cannolis I can eat, you know what I mean? Do you guys think David Goggins has ever met another black guy? I feel like every time I see him in a video, it's just him. I know I told Thomas about this, but he – JT, you'll think this is funny.

He was doing – he was on Instagram Live, and he was doing handstand wall pushups. And I learned through this that I guess his family, they do their best. But this lady, I'm assuming it's his wife, comes into the, you can't see her, she's off camera. And he's like, 10. I ain't like an average motherfucker. 11. I keep going even when there's nothing left. And you hear this lady very desperate in her voice.

She's like, David, it's dinner. And he's like, I got 50 more of these. I got 50 more of these, and I ain't coming until it's done. Are y'all with me? And she's like, okay, I'm just letting you know we're all downstairs. It's so awesome to have been like a tier one operator, and you're out of the desert. You have the things that we're talking about.

You have the hamburger. You have cheeseburger. But your brain's still there. D3 is up into combat any second yeah yeah people talk about his um like guys will talk about how he broke his ankles doing a marathon he didn't train for and they talk about it like that's something cool so we're like his kid yeah his kidneys failed his both broke. He was like 300 pounds. And they're like, that's that's smart. That's called tenacity. That's masculinity at best.

And I'm like, no, that's a guy having a manic episode like any other guy. Results for a fucking marathon. You can imagine like, oh, what's going to happen? I break both my fucking ankles or something. That's the worst thing that could happen outside of like, you know, that time in Boston and like 2011 or whatever. That's probably the worst thing thing i guess yeah and it's sad to think a guy like that you know if he put his energy elsewhere you know he could be so good at doing heroin if he just had kept his mind you know straight and narrow stuck to this standard veteran philosophy. He would have been so good at just stumbling around.

But instead he had to ruin it with push-ups. He's just inspiring dudes that work at Home Depot to hit new PRs in the gym. Yeah. I listen to Goggins when I go there. Why, dude? What's the risk, man? What was that guy? Was he in the army or something

david goggins he's like an army he was like a navy seal i think yeah he was like a but then he got that yeah well no yes like seal behavior to me dude i think he was a seal then he came out and got big or i don't know actually you know what now that i think about it i don't know. Actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, I don't know. I do know. I told Thomas this. My buddy from high school goggled himself into trying to join the Seals for real. Like, he watched so many videos that he joined the Navy at 28 years old, like 150 pounds overweight. And last I got an update on him, he was just playing League of Legends and playing PS4 and smoking weed

and drinking alcohol every day and then watched a bunch of Goggins videos and was like, I'm going to join the fucking Team 6 at 28 years old. All that happened was he does the exact same stuff that he did at home, but just on a boat in the middle of nowhere now. It didn't work.

Like, he tried to join Bud's or whatever the training course is, and were like dude guys come here and they can run like you know a five minute mile i can bet you thought they would be impressed by his story they're getting back oh yeah you're pulling yourself up by your bootstraps that is sealed yeah yeah yeah that type of tenacity is the type of thing that got what we did in Kuwait done, buddy. All right? Yeah, yeah. David Goggins, he's like the most intense Best Buy employee of all time. Yeah.

He would do so well in that environment. Just like, can I help you? The car audio is over here. You know what I mean? The really intense AT&T guys who wear the Schmedium work shirts they're like all biceps they're always like like how like half mexican uh they have the the like the hitler youth like european sex trafficker haircut they're always trying to get you to buy the fucking like the otterbox case they got a flashy belt on you want me to see that belt don't you that's the coolest thing they've ever been able to do got a flashy belt on. You want me to see that belt, don't you, buddy?

That's the coolest thing they've ever been able to do. You put that belt on, you said, this is going to get some eyes on it today. After I hawk a few new iPhones, they're going to be talking about this belt when they walk out of here, I bet. Yeah, that's like the fucking... Just a guy who leases a BMW M-Series for like $1,600 a month. Like his car payment is like somebody's rent. And he's one of the guys I'm not on the up and up. And I don't agree with like opening the sexual marketplace for incels and desperately horny AT&T guys. But those guys do need to get pussy sooner.

They're going to do something bad. Like the types of guys, like their whole life, everything about them. They have the Gold's membership. They have the BMW that's cost them $1,800 a month. They have the veneers. They went to Turkey for the hair thing, and they make $13 an hour at AT&T. And if they don't get their dick sucked soon, they're going to become the toy box killer.

Like, they're so close to something profoundly evil happening with them. Dude, those guys are so much happier than most of us because half those fools turn 35, join a Christian church, find a single mom that quit doing drugs like 11 years ago. They're living out 15, 20 miles outside of Austin, going to some megachurch on Sundays with a group of friends that meets up with them three or four times a week. They give free fucking daycare for those kids. And he goes to

his Verizon job and he's like, you know what? This being a soldier out here on the lines at Verizon, hocking more one-year plans than any other fucking Pablo on the streets right now, this is where I'm at. I'm working for my family. Those guys rule, dude. You grew up religious, didn't you, JT?

Oh, super, super. Like the scary type of crazy. You seen that movie Jesus Camp? I think I've heard of it. It's that, dude. I was homeschooled by fundamentalists and stuff. Thomas was, too, for a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

Sick. Were you Church of Christ? Me? Yeah, yeah. No, I was, like, evangelical. You know what you know i mean like non-denominational charismatic even i dated a church of christ girl though so those dude that they're not juliet yeah the uh oh my god i was trying to remember you i remember you talking about it like during you had a bit about it or whatever but you you and Thomas have very similar upbringings. Thomas' dad, I think, was a preacher.

Both of you guys had the very homeschooled experience. I remember Thomas, a while back, was telling me the first time he pissed in a public school that he was just standing five feet from the partition your buddy had. Yeah, because I didn't want it to splash on me, so I just stand almost back to the wall, and I didn't think about the fact that everybody could. Nobody else is doing that, so I made a friend, and he was like, hey, every time you go pee, everybody sees your penis. Just a heads up.

So that was a rude awakening. I remember I knew kids who, like, I had friends from homeschooling who would still, if they used a public urinal, would pull their pants down to their ankles and just ass cheeks out. Like, 12 years old, ass cheeks out at Walmart. Oh, oh yeah we've been in similar trenches i've seen that from people at church around that age like 10 or 11 too to where it's like yeah bro you're too old yeah not no yeah you got the the the lands in striped polo just barely going down to the top of the ass crack and then just just white white corn-fed ass just out at walmart you know oh yeah um and they don't make it hard the fucking um the having the moment in youth group where uh like the first time that you realize that you're not going to make it.

I've talked to Thomas before, but we used to have this. It was called Disciple Now, I think. And this guy who was in his early to mid-30s, he would take us. We would all have to meet him in his apartment. We were all like 12, 13, 14. Yeah, that was when I hit. For sure. We could have met anywhere. would take us we would all have to meet him in his apartment we were all like 12 13 14 and for sure for sure we could have met anywhere but he um when you turn like 11 or 12 at the church i went to like a family-owned church you went from like you uh kid like sunday school to like gendered

youth camp and the guys got the like you know this you know the standard issue discussions. I don't know what the girl... I'm assuming the girls were like, you're going to be a broodmare for a dental assistant. He's going to come on you once a year for 10 years, and that's your life. You shouldn't want for anything outside of that. But anyway, we would go to this Disciple Now thing,

and we all got a copy of... I don't know if you had one JT or but like we got a copy of like Bible for teens it was like in like a cool like badass font it was almost like Bible your parents use this one's on fucking skateboard King James can suck my dick yeah brand new slang Bible yeah it was like it was in in the Crusher font from MS Paint. It's like the cool graffiti blocks. And it was, yeah, Bible for fucking teenage boys. And the Philistines wept for Jesus was on fleek.

And he would do a little private sermon, I guess, in his living room. And we would all sit in a semicircle around him and you know we'd read ephesians or whatever the fuck and then he would be like okay the main topic what i want to talk to you young fellas about uh and it's uncomfortable but it's something we got to discuss all y'all are at the age now where you know the girls and youth group are starting to look a little different to you. And maybe you go home, and maybe you masturbate your penis to them. Yeah, he was describing something that happened right before you guys got to his apartment. Right. He was not wrong, but at the time, he was not wrong.

He was on the money. And here's what fucks me up now. Did the holy spirit tell him that yeah right right convicted right now yeah like i was a dude did you read my mind but it's like how the fuck did you know i'm doing that you would have to also be doing that a like for sure he's like you know jail jailbait r slash you know he's going all the fuck and he knows what to search sick fuck yeah but anyway he um he would give us this speech of like you know it's better for you to to not masturbate and it's better for you to have premarital sex than to jack than to masturbate because it's

it's the it's like it's better for your seed to fall into the belly of a whore than on the ground i don't some old Testament thing or whatever. That rules. Okay, that's actually pretty cool. I'm on board with this fool. See, that, right? I wish just he told me he heard that. Yeah, right.

No, I didn't. We didn't get it. It was just like, you know. So, like, at the time, I was like, this is super normal or whatever. Like, this is what happens to every child. And then I, like. That's how we know we're involved in these conversations. Yeah, we're having man talk.

And I was never homeschooled, but I, like – I got out of the, like, youth group insular kind of thing, and I was talking to some, like – I guess when I, like, started to not believe in God or whatever around, you know, sixth, eighth, seventh or eighth grade. I was like, yeah, you know how your church, like, they take you into some guy's apartment, some old guy, and he tells you not to masturbate he tells you not to jack off and they're like nope no i never uh-uh you did that i'm like dude i did that for like a year yeah and i would

go to so many camps specifically designed to get it did me not to masturbate or be horny yeah yeah yeah did they fucking the ones that almost that always got me were like they would like they wouldn't let you eat and then they would run you around in the woods like in trinity texas like like trinity and then when you were tired and sleep deprived and hungry at like midnight they would play worship music and they'd be like that feeling you're feeling right now that's the holy spirit and you're like oh i thought it was like my blood sugar was low yeah you're like i i thought everything was gonna end and that i was so alone that maybe i was never gonna feel happy this is crazy crazy you have a solution for me right in this moment good news

this is the good news i love it yeah this is sick yeah oh man so is that guy still molesting kids or did he get caught? It's funny. He left the church under internal circumstances. He went to go molest other kids in a different church. I do this apartment ministry for 12-year-olds with brown hair. I like 12-year-olds with brown hair. Young men, they can come over and that's my ministry. Church is gone. Apartment ministry, that is like a sinister hey i'm a i'm an apartment

minister that can sound something like that you'd make up yeah thomas is too in the face yeah they call me like i'm not i don't really belong to a church i'm more of like a apartment youth i'm kind of like a non-denominational like all ages type player like i've been called i'm basically like i remember uh we were so cool at the church we went to when i was in high school we just called it d now it's a disciple now and my my parents hosted d now for a little bit um and it was funny because all these high school boys came to my parents' house, and they didn't have anything to entertain. Like, we didn't have, like, a pool table or anything. And it was out in the country, so it was just a bunch of fucking dudes just at the house.

We had horrible internet, and there was no Xbox. There was a Wii from, like, 2005. and there was no xbox there was a wii from like 2005 there was a redneck zipline that my dad had built in the backyard that would make you go like 30 miles an hour it just went fucking straight downhill and whenever my dad first built it so first off it was like a 15 or so foot tower probably maybe maybe 12 you'd go on the zip line, went downhill through the woods, and when he first built it, there was no stopping mechanism. Nice. So you would just slam into a tree.

And then he'd put a system of tires where you would hit one tire, and then that tire would hit another, and it would stop you. Your dad built a Taliban training compound in his backyard? Yeah, but we would just go on that all day. And then, yeah, there was just a bunch of 16-year-old dudes going down the zip line all day, learning about Jesus. I remember that. It sounds like your dad had a militia training camp.

Like, not unlike the Sunni. That's real possible. Your dad was training fucking Christian guerrillas. White Sharia, basically. Yeah. Just a bunch of guys named Derringer just out there learning about hip tosses and fucking

the New Testament. Down in the monkey bars. A bunch of future Pat Tillmans out there making it happen. That's so awesome. I love when they invoke his name. He leads America back to Christ. Yeah, dude, I'm telling you. I think we're heading towards white Sharia.

I feel like it's happening. My favorite people are the people that are like, I'm going to avoid it by moving to Europe. And it's like, yeah, things are going good there, buddy. I'm going out to Europe. Yeah. Yeah, get go there get get away

from all the racism you know yeah well it's like the like the Italian Prime Minister and like the German there I was I want somebody who's smarter than me had written some like article about how like the far right wing party in Germany like SDF

or whatever ADF, they won a huge percentage of seats, and they're about to take over the country. And I was thinking to myself, look, I have no way of preventing anything from happening. But I feel like as a world people, if there's a party that doesn't get to have anything to the right of Hillary Clinton, it's Germany. I'm not saying there's any realistic way to stop right-wing parties from coming and existing. But if there's a country where we all should have came together and said, no, you guys, you don't get to have a conservative party. Like other countries, fine, whatever.

But they're just trying to like turn women into fucking yeah like easy bake ovens for kids you guys don't get to have like a christian party you just don't get to have one i'm sorry well if you think that's if you think the holocaust is bad in florida they're burning books what yeah oh man i going to use those books to try to make my kids gay too. Yeah. I was going to – Are you really burning books in Florida? That's got to be more symbolic than –

No, I kind of made that up, but – I like some news articles like that where it's like, oh, you know what's happening in Texas? They're crucifying – they're crucifying a trans woman on the states of the capital. And then you click the article and it's like that didn't happen at all. I'll believe anything I see. They're making a new baby book and it's got the holes in it to reveal stuff, but the whole book's made out of velvet and all the shapes are for a baby penis to go through for a baby to fuck the book.

And it's called Baby's First... The book is called Baby's First... The book is called Baby's First Fuck. And it shows the baby how to... It shows the baby how to get back shots. It has two dimple holes

to... Like a Latina's back. Just for your baby to fuck the hell out of this book in its crib. And I don't agree with that. And I feel like

we should find out where this book is available. We need to find all these books and fucking send them to my house. I don't care. I'm going to need them. Because I'll take care of them. I'll show you a baby's first fuck.

I don't care. Baby's first fire is what I'll show it. I will destroy every single one of those personally. It's funny to imagine, like, all of the, I don't know, we all know a little bit about history. The extremist groups of yesteryear looked sick, dude. They were cool looking. I'm not saying that the Nazis were good,

but Hugo Boss made them damn suits. They fucking, they look slick. looked sick dude they were cool looking like i'm not saying that the nazis were good but hugo boss made them damn suits they fucking you know like they look slick it's not a brand they know how to brand on it's like damn get something consistent guys you guys got like a cowboy a pirate you guys got like some fucking viking shaman get some 300 spartan else yeah those aren't cool anymore because they because they killed all the gay guys. That's so true. Yeah, you make a very good point because they had a couple guys in the fucking SS that were like, you know, floating around making noise. But they were the guys who made the fucking outfits look sick.

Now, yeah, you're not allowed to be gay in these conservative circles. I mean, I guess they have Dave Rubin, and they have Milo, but I think Milo went to the conversion camp. Is George Santos a right-winger? I honestly, the only thing I know about George Santos is the clips

I see online of him just lying, which I didn't like. It's hard not to like this guy. Right, yeah. I'm supposed to dislike him, but he... If he had any sort of power, you know, maybe I would hate him, but it's

sort of like, you know, it's hard to take him at face value with anything he says. He's clearly a guy who would like attention. Right. Which I respect as a fellow guy who likes attention.

I also lie for fun. Yeah. I lie for fun whenever I... Or to try to get something that I want. True. Didn't you tell a jail that you were deaf or something? Blind? Oh, yeah, dude.

I got caught shoplifting at HEB Didn't you tell a jail that you were deaf or something? Blind? Oh, yeah, dude. I fucking... When I was getting... I got caught shoplifting at HEB, and I thought pretending to be deaf would, like, get me out of it. And I did the voice and everything. Like, the second the HEB security guard came up to me, I was like... I think he'd be like,

Oh, no, it's a deaf guy trying to steal some food. Because, like, I don't know. I, like, just realized what the, like, trolley example was when I was, like, 20, and, like, my sense of sense of morals was like this guy's gonna let the deaf guy steal food and he was like absolutely not and then they called the cops and i never gave up the cops were like are you really deaf and i was like i gave them a fake name and they took me to jail pretended to be deaf the entire time in jail got my own cell in there wait wait wait wait wait wait wait you really breezed through that

so you're in jail you're in jail and you stuck with the deaf thing and they gave you your own cell yeah well so like when when i first when the cops first got there i was like they're like oh we're gonna give this guy a ticket and so i was like but i'd given the heb security officers a fake name and so they were like oh he's failing to ID and he's stealing. Searched me and they found a weapon on me, an extendable baton. So they were like, let's arrest him for armed robbery and try to scare me into speaking. And I went in and I cried. They all knew I wasn't deaf.

I was just fucking sobbing, pretending to be deaf. But then the cops took me to jail and the jail cops had no idea i was faking because the the arrest cops didn't actually see those fools so the jail cops just you know bought in treated me deaf and trust me dude if you go to jail either pretend to be deaf or a pedophile you get your own room like well i think i would probably choose the former yeah me too obviously yeah although deaf pedophile cancels out yeah because you can't hear people saying, hey, that girl isn't 18. Yeah. You don't know.

I think it's – That sounded like a grown woman to you because it sounds the same. Her lips moved much like a 40-year-old woman's would. I've seen them lift smack before, and that's maturity right there. Can you be a blind pedophile i guess you can't you can be a any type of pedophile i live in a world where blind people can do anything okay i think it's just a guy a guy just like with it with a seeing eye cane just like trying to get around like a a playground but he just keeps bumping into the fence

and then coming back and forth. He's feeling around in the mulch. Yeah, he's great. Are you a legit or a tiny little girl? You have to tell me. I can tell from the sound of your voice. Talk to me. Help, a blind man this morning,

he abducted my daughter and then he drove into my mailbox. Is the blind guy asking you to help him count dollars, but he's asking you to make sure this girl's less than 12. That Ray Charles scene in the movie when he's like grabbing the girl's wrist to make sure she's not fat. It's just a guy like grabbing the ankle of

like a 10 year old. Just making sure that it's like thin. It's like, oh, this is a grown assass woman's ankle i want nothing to do with it um i found out the other day that israel if you're a pedophile you can go to israel and they'll let you stay there they'll give you like asylum but you have to be jewish you like have to be like uh like it's the same thing as birthright, but a bunch of, like, guys who get, like, charged with life. In fact, it's the exact same thing as birthright.

You can believe it. No, like, fucking. No, like, they'll fucking. So, like, if a guy will get charged with with fucking like – yeah, like CP or something. And before he can get got, he'll get on a plane and land in Tel Aviv. And he's like, oh, I'm like a – I'm a pipe hit member of the fucking tribe. And they have like a community where they all live out there where they're like expat pedophiles from like various countries. But a lot of them are from the states which again here's the thing i don't

i know it's a sensitive topic right the war and everything but it seems like bad optics to be like yeah we've got a pedophile safe haven it's like home base intact if you if you fucking if you diddle a kid but you're so happen to be jewish you just you got to make it to tel aviv you just got to get across the border get in that airplane baby and you're good to go like it doesn't seem like a responsible way to handle your p yeah i mean if you're a palestinian pedophile where do you even you don't mean you really got to get got to get the heck out of dodge you know what mean? I don't respect the fact that they're pedophiles, but I definitely respect the fact that that hustle, right?

You got to respect that grind, dude. They're going worldwide, dude. Yeah, you just got the worst news of your life. Your life is over and you're like, I'm going to go steal a house. I think I can get away with that. I'm going to take someone's fucking life and make it mine. Yeah, yeah. That video of the really fat fucking settler guy who's like, he's got the voice and everything.

It's like rights itself where he was like, well, if I don't take it, somebody else is going to. And I was like, God, you guys got to hide people like this because there are guys who hate you they're the right wing crazy psycho guys who like they watch this and they go yep i fucking i knew it all like ripped half arab israeli guys are like that should have been me i would have said something fucking beautiful in my fucking hebrew lane i would have said right it's never those guys it's never those guys. I would have looked at the camera and been like, many times the deserts don't bloom until the right rain falls.

And that sounds gorgeous in Hebrew. And he'd take off his ripped shirt and have like an eight pack or something. Yeah, yeah. From the skull of a Palestinian child into the camera. Just fucking crush that scene for the boys. It's always just like 20-year-old Harvey Weinstein. Yes.

This is not proper representation. It doesn't help your case if you ever had one, but I'm trying to do you a favor. Only the IDF super soldier guys. You can't... The IDF baddies only have them go into the... And the gay ones. The super hot gay IDF guys. Yes.

You can't have the fucking balding like Moishe. I didn't want to take it, but they said I could have it. It's like, come on, dude. I hope that... If you guys could kick out the people from one country and move there,

where would you do it? I would probably do... I would probably do China, because it's big as fuck. I think I would go Greece. Imagine if everybody in China had to move somewhere else. A billion? It's just like

a quarter of the people in the world. It's pretty much what Biden wants. Empty out China, bring them all here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I heard they're stowing Chinese people on boats like an Ocean's Eleven

because they can fit into crates so easily. They're so aerodynamic. That's why the curb weight for Hyundais is rated as so high it's because they ship them over is hyundai a chinese car no it's korean i think but that don't change a damn thing god damn it uh i i think the the the average like my mom thinks that like every

I don't, your parents are like pretty conservative right JT? Oh yeah, they're like Reagan era conservatives they both voted for Trump but they think that he's just a disrespectful guy that's awesome dude that's so, I don't hear that anymore

your parents are like old school conservatives. I feel like there's only one type for the most part. Like, my mom is like, dude, when the fucking, when the war kicked off, my mom was like, they're going to let all of these people into the Mexican border. I was telling Thomas about this. They're going to let all these Palestinians into the Mexican border, and they're going to let all of these people into the Mexican border. I was telling Thomas about this. They're going to let all these Palestinians into the Mexican border, and they're going to start burning down all of the places around here. And, like, dude, we're from, like, a fucking suburb of Houston,

so, like, there's, like, not even a Jamba Juice. It's, like, Applebee's, you know, Buffalo Wild Wings. There's, like, a lot of H&R blocks. Like, there's nothing culturally, even if it were the case. You know what them Palestinians do? They're going to come over here and start cultivating the land for thousands of years. Miraculously transforming it into a fertile landscape. They will take a desert and turn it into the heartland of the entire planet.

A lot of people they go oh why is palestinian why is palestine losing right now it's because all their elite soldiers are out in mexico sneaking into the u.s right now to plan the attack on different suburbs malls jamba juices the things that westerners hold dear so that's what's going on over there people are like oh this looks like a genocide no they they have their b team on the line right now their a team they're focusing on their real enemy our freedoms and the problem with israel is their top soldiers are currently in the united states making some of the coolest fusion restaurants of all time they're making ed they're making edm and, like, yeah, like, Deep House.

They're over here just having a good time. They're studying the ways of the party kids. Yeah. My parents, it's interesting, JT, because my parents are also, like, kind of, I guess, an interesting type of conservative in that I think my dad I want to say my dad probably voted for Trump in 2016

but didn't like him. He just disliked Hillary more. And then in 2020 he really wanted Mike Bloomberg to win. That's so awesome. Wasn't Mike Bloomberg a Democrat? Yeah. He's not a party guy nice he's just like a

right of center but not far right at all he just he would vote for like hank hill he's like hank hill basically where there's like no you can't pin him down he thinks reagan was cool he thinks george bush was okay. He didn't like Obama but didn't like people being racist to him. He thought John McCain was an honorable man. He called Ted Cruz sharp as a tack. I love that, dude. You've told me that so many times, but I love referring to that guy as sharp as a tack.

My dad was watching like that. Is he saying that about Mitt Romney? I'd be like, yeah, Mitt Rom guy as sharp as a tack. My dad was watching like the – Is he talking about Mitt Romney? I'd be like, yeah, Mitt Romney, sharp as a tack. Say that about Ted Cruz. He's like, what are you, retarded? Ted Cruz went to like Harvard Law, which is crazy. He's like an Ivy League guy. Yeah, but I remember my dad like in the 2012 election

watching the Republican debates and like sitting there like with his leg crossed over in the recliner and like sitting there like with his leg crossed over in the recliner and like rubbing his chin like he was about to decide who was going to be like he personally was really weighing all his options before me hmm you know what i don't think casick has what it takes take him out of the debate your dad my dad was like if you don't vote you don't get to complain and i was like why he goes well that's just what they say i thought that was awesome you guys are making me jealous because like i think my mom is because like my mom watches the fucking like the like registered nurse tiktok like the like the christian magic magic TikTok. I don't know. You know, like the end of like eschatological end of days, like shit.

And her worldview is like mostly centered around like people who have schizophrenia that open up their phone. My mom doesn't have schizophrenia, but my mom listens to those people. And then she'll – dude, the other day we were sitting down having dinner, and she goes, did you hear? They pass a law in California. They pass this law in California that says that you can abort a baby up to 90 days after it's been born. Yeah, unless you make it trans, then it's automatically the mayor. I was like,

me and my fiancee were sitting across from my mom, I go, Mom, they didn't pass an infanticide bill in California. Like, what do you mean up to nine, like it's a car, like you have a 30-day, like, just, you know, like a handshake agreement, like, hey, if you don't want this thing, you can drive it around town,

but if you decide you don't want it, you can shoot it in the fucking head. Yeah, it goes up a size in diapers, and you're like, nah, it's time. I got to abort this thing. It starts talking, but it's not cool. It starts playing with model trains. It doesn't like football, and you're like, ah, shit, I got me one of them book reading ones. Better look next time.

Take it back to the factory. Honestly, dude. I like the idea. They'll use it to make. They use it. They use it for good things. They'll use it to make vaccines. It'll be all right.

Yeah. Like horse glue. Yeah. She was. I told her I was like, Google it right now. It'll say it's fake. And she was like, you her i was like google it right now it'll say it's fake and she was like you can't believe everything you see and i was like like i'm more willing to believe they will let you kill babies in california okay

we just did a show in chicago and i was like trying to express they did that law there too Chicago and I was like trying to express they did that law there too yeah it's happening everywhere we did a show in LA Chicago and my mom she she thinks that

California is just on everywhere like top to bottom just from Baja to like Humboldt County is just a war zone and then they have no money everyone's starving there and I was like mom like they have one of the strongest economies like in the world like it's not I'm not saying I like Gavin Newsom that I'm I like the Democratic Party I'm saying if you believe that they're raping each other in the street there there's not there's no evidence to support that and she she's like, I don't know. I just watched this video.

I'm pretty sure they just show on Fox News, like, World War Z and shit. I don't know. Like, there's just no way that they should be able to get it. Just footage from a Hotel Rwanda playing in the background. But they've turned up the contrast so everyone's white. Like, on the YouTube footage, they just sat... Now, naturally, I would watch. Yes, sir. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I remember we used to... When we went to that one fucking... It was that one protest that you and me... We ended up there together, and this was, like, 2015. And... Back when we were really gonna make a change, yeah. Yeah, back when you and me were really on our way to becoming uh i guess what you'd call like i don't know we were gonna be the the soviet like

the commissars of wheat production i guess we were we were gonna rebuild communism uh in in texas and uh yeah this is where the revolution will start. Right here in the parking garage of this fucking Whole Foods. Anyway, there was like the White Lives Matter guys that were there. Tom is like, I remember seeing you. Hey, bro, that's great. Small world. Long time ago.

When you just hear it as a sentence, it's hard to disagree with. Small world. Long time ago. And, uh, when you just hear it as a sentence, it's hard to disagree with. Simple misunderstanding. I really did. I didn't know they were Nazis. I just think, Hey,

I matter, dude. I like being alive. I figured. I thought they meant, they thought they meant that my last name. And I thought that's very personal. I appreciate it.

And as it turned out, it was a much broader thing going on. Yeah. If White Pride was about, like, enjoying Taylor Swift and Maroon 5, I'd be like, uh, yeah. I'm super proud of that stuff. That's my jam. And Transformer movies? Tons of pride in that shit, dude.

Yeah. I'm like, wait, it's something else? Hold on a second. You're like, look, I came here. I'm not trying to seek Heil. I just really like songs about jane i fucking sunday morning rain is fall y'all don't like that y'all up with that shit i fucking love disturbed i love breaking benjamin i love fucking halo

hey we got our new white pride meeting this afternoon remember it's just after one o'clock i i uh y'all take care now the old uh like the old church biddies that are like like whenever you watch old world war ii footage and you see like the like the the lady nazis that are like you know like sewing stuff it sucks that guys that ladies like my grandma probably that's just who like just doing church gossip but just making like ss uniforms probably you know probably absolutely would have fallen into that category that himmler fella is a little he's a tall drink of water yeah the autistic guy that was like they they had me run the trains every single day these days.

He's like, this is the best job I've ever had. He's like, the trains run more than ever. Every day I run them. This autistic guy had no clue what's going on. The war actually really good for me, honestly. I really enjoyed the time. The fucking, what was I saying? Oh, the, like having, like, having now you have, like, IBM and Volkswagen and fucking Mercedes-Benz.

Like, these are things, you know, like, Volkswagen, Mercedes-Benz more so. Like, that's BMW. Like, those are classy things. Again, like, I feel like you don't... I know Operation Paperclip, all that stuff. We took all the... If we didn't hang them, we were like, you're super good at math. We'll look past all of the...

We'll look past the science to kill a whole group of guys if you can just make us a bomb. That's super big. But having the cars and shit to this day is kind of... It's goofy. Like cars for dentists. The Nazi cars? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they should have to change the names to things about the Holocaust so people remember. Like instead of Mercedes, it should just say Hitler. And then people, it's not only a status symbol, but a stark reminder of the Holocaust. Yeah, it's like you go to get a BMW M-Series, like one of the competition series, and they're like, oh, I'm just here to pick up like a, you know, I'm here to check out the M-Series.

And they're like, oh, we should rename them. It's the Treblinka now. It's the Treblinka Bergenau. They make you put a VR on to see all stacks of cheese. Oh, my God. Before you buy, they have to guilt you. They're like, look, we'll sell you this German sports car, but we have to go through our Holocaust VR experience first.

Did you guys go to the Holocaust Museum? Did you ever go to one? Yeah, I remember they put, like, the star on me. And I got, like, a number. And I was, for that day, a member of the tribe. And then at the end they were like oh by the way you were gassed and then they had to sit in like a little gas chamber my mom was crying I was like 11 years old they did not do that to me wait so hold on so you went yeah I I went to

a much different one yeah what the fuck JT so? So the one I went to that we showed, it was a homeschool event. It was very clearly, I was part of a weird messianic Christian type evangelical movement stuff where we did all the Jewish holidays and stuff. So there's a lot. Do you guys know Jews for Christ? Do you guys know that movement organization? It's just like, you know, essentially it's a lobbyist organization, but they do a lot of weird shit.

And one of them is like a like i guess like an immersive holocaust experience where like you showed up you had to put on a star and you were given like a card they're like this is who you are this is where you were born and then this is the whole time you're going through the thing and it's like oh and at this point in the story you would have been here living in this ghetto and then at the end you're sitting on these tables and they're like, oh, and then the lights turn on and the reveal is, hey, just like they were tricked,

you're tricked. This would have been the gas chamber you died in. My mom was fucking weeping. That was brutal. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Well, it made me stronger, you know? It's just, it's so funny to be like, to be a kid, to be like, I'm gonna go learn something today's so it's so funny to be like to be a kid to be like i'm gonna go learn something today well i'm my mom's taking me to the museum fuck and then like you

you go through an escape room that's just auschwitz like one of those austin escape rooms where you have to like find the puzzle to get out of jail or whatever the fuck but they just that's so badass they did they do in a sud, you have to try to plan an escape with a captured communist. Yeah, it's like you and two Bolshevik guys trying to figure out. You're like 12 years old trying to learn Yiddish just to figure out a way out of the fucking. You're in the back of a Dollar General. All the floodlights are on and shit. I was just talking to Thomas about this the other day.

They used to do reenactments of the crucifixion at my church i don't know if they did that for you guys too but of course you got to see it to believe it yeah they uh they and they would do it like like they would do several i talked to somebody uh on the internet who's catholic because i was like did you guys did you guys do this and they're like like, yeah, they called it Stations of the Cross. But it was different for us. It was just the crucifixion. And so they would do like, the way it would start, if you guys remember your Bible history,

there would be a king, and the king would be like, we must kill all the newborn males. And the king would be like, my mom's friend, Scott. And he would do this. and he would have a long beard and like a long brown wig and a king's crown is like and then there would be a narrator that's like king herod and you know for bc made the decree to uh kill all the male babies uh in and around you know jerusalem or wherever the fuck. And then, you know, we don't know a bunch about the birth up to, like, 30.

So it would fast forward, and Jesus is like, you know, the money changer scene. Like, it fast forwards, and then whoever got to be Jesus, by the way, that year was the coolest. He was the cock of the walk, dude. Like, if you got picked to be Christ, it was usually the skin. He had his pick of the high school girl, the group. Yes, exactly. He got first dibs on high school girl, the group. Yes, exactly. He got first dibs on the coolest girls in youth group. Yes.

Anyway, I won't go through the whole thing, but the funniest part for me was we lived in a predominantly Southern Baptist area, but also half the community was Hispanic. It was in Pasadena, Texas. It was overwhelmingly Hispanic or whatever. So we had like a mixed congregation a little bit. Like a lot of people were white, but there was also like a Spanish-speaking, they did a Spanish sermon or whatever the fuck.

So sometimes they would mix them up. And Pontius Pilate one year was my dad's friend, Humberto, who was like a 5'2", like 300-pound Mexican guy, who goes up there and he's like i seen as you today um i i am governor net uh i and it's like i again to similar to your experience like i looked around and expected people would be crying laughing but like everybody that i knew was like like just falling the fuck apart and i'm like oh i one of those moments you have when you're younger where you're like oh i'm not gonna last like i want to i want to laugh so bad right you can't make a mexican guy punch his pilot you can't you need to i mean i guess you can't. You need to... I mean, I guess you can't. Your time has come. Prepare for death.

Listen. I was just sitting in a bag, and they told me to put on a sash, and they told me to tell that Jesus, he's got to go. Jesus Christ, it's over. It's over. It's over for you, buddy. Adios. It's done.

It's done. Yeah, that shit was... done buddy jesus what happened what happened buddy why are you here what happened they say it's over i can't do nothing jesus i can't do nothing they tell me you're going to have to go to heaven to be with your papa i don't know why they would ask me to do this why they would ask the 8-year-old boy to play Ponch's Pile. But I guess they ran out of guys. So anyway, Jesus, bye-bye. The fucking, oh yeah, my favorite part.

Man, I fucking beat this story to death on this show. I don't give a fuck. My show. The Cross, every year, they never took the Home Depot stickers off. So they would hoist up the guy. And they wouldn't nail the – which pissed me off. Because they did – I didn't expect them to actually nail the guy to the cross, but they would tie him to it, and they'd lift him up. And you could still see the Home Depot bar scanner on the fucking 2x8 or whatever the fuck.

Which I'm like, all right, I guess you guys aren't interested in fucking realism anymore yeah all they wanted was that guy suspended from that cross they don't care what else happened the big reveal that picture in their head they go i can't wait to get that fucker on the cross i need this guy named jordan and his mom like was like actually mentally retarded like he was just like a guy that went to her church but his mom was like a retarded woman and one time i went over to her house and she was watching the scene from um like passion of the christ where he's getting like beat up and cursed and just crying and rewinding and watching over and over again and then she had called us in and had us watch it with her for a minute and i was like yes miss jennifer it's scary it's sad and i was like this is your mom i can't just be like shut up fuck you don't just keep doing this something

wrong with your brain girl but Let's go to your room. I'll watch you play Tony Hawk. It's funny to be so, like, to watch a reenactment of, you know, like the son of God's death and be like, this is as close as I'm going to get to this. You know what I mean? I know that I'm watching a movie by Mel Gibson, but there's something in my soul that tells me that i need to you know

watch this over and over you know killed my god i just find a new god all right if you kill if you like hey i put your god on a cross and killed it i bet yeah i don't worship someone bitch made i'm not gonna fucking follow that loser anymore know? Oh, up until the sister right above me, age-wise, that was how my dad celebrated everybody turning 18, was you would get to watch Passion of the Christ alone with him. Wow, that's bad. Yeah, now that you were old enough to see an R-rated movie. He wanted that to be your first R-rated movie was Passion of the Christ with Dad.

Very Christian. Just in pure silence. Yeah. You did that with the first one, and then you're like, oh, this would be, like, special. Because you told the first one, no, you can't see it until you're 18. And then you kind of go like, oh, this is like a special thing in my family. Or they turn 18 and they have this beautiful special moment where they can watch our god die on the screen with me in

silence beautiful yeah yeah i love that shit i uh it's crazy like america's so good at killing gods like when you think about how many like fucking gods we destroyed like when we took hawaii and we dropped like a nuke in their volcano and they were like that's or like mount rushmore even when they're like that's or when japan was like oh we're gonna uh we're gonna surrender and we said we wouldn't let them surrender unless they admitted their emperor wasn't god and they were like we're not gonna do that and so we dropped a nuke on them they were like we killed their god it's like dude we're the greatest god killers of all time dude we take your deity and just rip them right from the heavens right in front of you, dude. It's wild.

I've been listening to, like... We even killed our own Paul Walker. Yeah. And he came here to save us. The idea, yeah, of, like, just how many cultures you can grind to dust and just fuck it. Like, obviously, you know, everybody has like a, you know, a fucking high school understanding of U.S. history or whatever. But to. Yeah, to destroy and kill so many traditions and gods and goddesses or whatever and be like, hey, listen.

and goddesses or whatever and be like hey listen if you step on if you don't if you say american sniper was bad i'm gonna get out of my truck and i'm gonna shoot you like uh i had a guy threatened to beat the shit out of me in front of a movie theater when i was in college um we were we were gonna go see a movie i forget what we were gonna see. Oh, it was one of the fucking... We had all gotten drunk as shit. We were going to go watch the new Captain America movie. And American Sniper was out. And I'm sitting in front of the movie theater. And I'm just talking about how this is...

I was like, oh, this... I saw the poster and was like, oh, this is a fucking propaganda movie. It's like Zero Dark Thirty. This is just fucking porn for fucking retards. And this guy's walking out with his wife big fat old guy and uh he's like what did you say and i was like oh this is a movie for like i was just talking shit about the movie man i don't fucking i don't you know i don't want any fucking problems you just keep fucking walking or whatever and he's like i just came out of seeing that movie did you go to to war? And I was like, no. I didn't go to war, man.

I don't give a fuck about this. Dude, just fucking leave me alone. Like, I've just, he's like, hey. He's all hyped up from the movie. Dude, I know. That's what I was about to say. He's got his blood pumped from the movie, yeah. He was like, he walks out of it, and he's like,

you need to go in there, and you need to watch that, and you need to watch your fucking mouth, too. And I was like, dude, I don't understand, like, the type of American patriotism is so awesome. Because it's not, we know that it's not real. You know that it's, also, it's like common knowledge that Chris Kyle lied about all that shit. Like, his book is just straight horseshit. Like, guys that served with him were like, no, he didn't kill 80.

I like the fucking governor that sued him after, and then he died and he kept suing him. He's like, no, I'm still suing his estate. That guy, was it Jesse Ventura? Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah uh yeah jesse the body ventura the governor of minnesota guy rules i don't know anything about his politics i just saw he's uh talking about suing chris kyle he's a libertarian cia is everything guy so he's one of the like the cia is bad guys but but from the libertarian side. So your sort of standard issue. He went on this big rant.

Yeah, cool uncle energy for sure. Yeah, he went on a big rant about how Barack Obama was CIA on this podcast. I believe that. That rules. Yeah, it was like his mom worked at the YMCA that was a front for uh a christian organization that was a cia front and i was like dude getting cte from getting chokeslammed for 20 years and being like yeah it's cia everything that's so kick-ass that's a life that i could only hope for because i'm already there nothing sets a liberal on fire more than just being like, yeah, look, Obama, CIA. Yeah, CIA.

No, not Obama. Yeah, maybe all of them. Every single... Oh, Biden? CIA puppet, baby. He got a little robot pulled up his butt, made his brain all crazy. Yeah, Obama was gay, but wait, and he only fucked white guys. How about that? The fucking... I remember getting...

Oh, bottom, okay? Oh, bottom. Yeah. Yeah, and he didn't I remember getting Oh bottom Okay Oh bottom Yeah and he didn't And he didn't do So his bussy was always Fucking stupid Stinky And gross

Yeah yeah He was ran through Dude he's saying Like I remember getting In an argument With somebody in college because I bought the idea, or I didn't care. The whole conservative thing that Barack Obama was

bisexual and smoked cocaine, I was like, dude, if he did, awesome. And it was this girl I had classes with who was like, he did not! That is straight out of a Fox News lie. And I was like, listen to me. My whole life, from what I remember, presidents have been boring and they sucked.

You mean to tell me that there's some evidence, like some hearsay, some conjecture, that the first kind of black president sucked dick, did cocaine, and smoked crack, and you want to say that didn't happen? Of course I want that to have happened. You should just start reading, like, I want that to have happened. Even if I don't... You should just start reading like, I want a fag president. Like, I want a president that works for minimum wage.

I want a president that smoked crack in Chicago one time and felt gay afterwards. He had one of those gay like drug experiences where he's not gay normally but just smoked too much crack and was like,

yeah, I guess I'll suck a dick. Fuck it. You know what I mean? You get horny enough on that fucking liquid cocaine, baby. Dude, you like to smoke crack. Who smokes crack here? You guys smoke crack? Not in five, six years.

Five, six years, probably. Probably five, six years. I remember when I first started dating my now wife, I was, like, not smoking crack, but I smoked crack a couple times when we first started dating and she was like i remember i went out with her downtown one night and i saw this homeless guy and i was like yo fuck you he's like screaming fuck you back and forth we were like screaming each other from across the blocks and she's like yo is that the homeless guy that you like smoked crack with like a month ago and you said it was last time smoking and i was like no that's a

different guy three months before i was like i got multiple beefs down here with people I've smoked crack with, and that guy's way worse than the guy you're thinking of right now, right? I got a lot of pots boiling down here as far as the crack situation outside the Arch. You know the guys outside the Arch when they sell crack, dude? They just fill their mouth with their baggies, and they spit it into their hand. One time I went out there blackout drunk to buy some crack off this dude, and I was like, hey, I got $40 on some crack. And he put one little crack, little nuggy wrapped in plastic into his hand and gave it to

me and i was like this is bullshit this is what 20 costs give me twice this and he his eyes went crazy and immediately dropped more and gave me more and i was like damn he is not used to people haggling he's used to people coming up and just getting screwed over by this crack dealer when i'm just trying to do honest business i felt great i felt like i was the king negotiator in that situation you're like i'm finally getting it all together you know i'm getting my money's worth of crack and before i know it you know i'm gonna be getting more than my money's worth of crack you know budgeting bitch i love the idea of you like both of us i like that i like to think that happened like right after you and me just crushed it like a two minute mic you know what i mean like because i when we were like we first

met each other i was probably like 19 or 20 and i was just like i i was the guy uh jt and i used to do fucking open mics together like i don't know pretty frequently there for a while and and i would like bring like a gram of cocaine to an open mic and do it in the bathroom and be like dude i'm i'm making it like i'm making what they do in new york i bet yeah exactly i was like dude i'm like sam kinnison chris farley the only difference between me and them is that i don't have a career, but I will have one. But me and them – We're stage time and they'll be saying my name right next to them.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I used to fucking – there was this theater called The New Movement, which is – I think it's called The Fallout now or something. I was probably like 19 or 20. And I used to roll through with like big groups of people because we all go to these open mics, and I would do stand-up. It was like hot indie girls too, to be honest. You would roll up with five or six hot indie girls, and you'd just be like, oh, shit, these are like art film type chicks

just coming into the new movement of the open mics. I want to make it clear. They were hanging out with me because I sold cocaine. I saw Thomas' face kind of do it because that's not the version of me that Thomas has come to know, where I just have seven or eight fucking hot-ass women following me around. That is not...

It was true insofar as they were friends of my friends. But what was primarily true is that they knew that if they sat through the open mic and watched me get drunk and do six minutes, that eventually I would get very generous with all the baggies of 20s in my pocket. They were investing in your career. Yes, they were buying at the penny stock and seeing and waiting two hours until I blacked out at soco lounge dividends baby yes sir yes sir but they uh uh yeah what what was the night that you you tell this story that i don't remember where like i drove past you guys and i said something in that fucking crown victoria oh one of my favorite memories it was that so this is definitely the new movement and a few of my friends from work all came out.

And they were also doing cocaine that night. And they were doing cocaine. And then you came out and you said, hey, you guys need cocaine. And they said, we have a little bit. And you said, yeah, sorry. This stuff costs just boingso bucksos. And we all laughed so hard. And you immediately walked away, got in your car, and drove.

And it looked like your car and drove and it looked like your car was falling apart as it was like all the parts looked like they were shaking individually you rolled down your window and like slapped the side and then pointed all that so it's like see y'all later and we come for cheers I can't remember telling me's like yeah you rolled by you were like you're driving pretty pretty toasted it was like one of those things where i was like oh no this was like i was gonna end it really sadly i think i i think before i if i'm remembering correctly now before i circle back around on seventh i think i went the wrong way down red i think i went the wrong way down San Jacinto at first.

I think you did because it's a one-way street, right? You took a left and then immediately did the— Dude, I guarantee you I was just listening to fucking—I don't know, like stealing—I just had a head full of cocaine. I did my four minutes. I was about to go get drunk and fucking make a whopping $80 selling what little cocaine I had left. a whopping $80 selling what little cocaine I had left. And just being like, dude, in those moments when you're young, like your early 20s, like not 21, like 19, 20 years old,

and you're like, dude, I'm going to get on SNL soon. It's around the corner. I remember being 19 years old and about to go, and I think the first time I headlined a show, I was in Sacramento, California, or in Fair Oaks, Folsom, California, at a brewery, and me, and I don't want to say his name, me and my bro were sitting in the car smoking heroin out in front of the show, and we get to the point where the car feels like a sauna because we're so high and it's getting so warm,

we're both fat dudes just sweating like crazy, and it's been silent for like 10, 15 minutes, and we're just burning down some foilies, and he looks over at me and he goes, dude, we're going to crush tonight. And I was like, yeah, for sure. Just stumbled in there. Fucking, man.

Honestly, I did all right, man. Brewery show in Folsom, they're just happy to have you. And it was that feeling where it's like, yeah, dude, here I come, Hollywood. Like, oh, my God. Pull out the red carpet, dude. Your boy's gonna take the scene they're gonna call me the fucking goy seinfeld there was like so many fucking there was so many like that was when yusuf was hosting the new movement i miss yusuf

so much it sucks because he was like my best friend in comedy but he's definitely guilty of everything that he was accused of i wish it was like a gray area thing where i get back no dude that's not the full story but then you hear the story it's like oh that sucks that sucks yeah like i remember like somebody uh i i went and did a mic after i was living in houston when all that shit dropped but when i moved back to san marcos i was like fuck it i'll swing by. I'll do a mic or whatever. And,

uh, uh, this shit was still pretty fresh on like the local scenes, mine or whatever. This was like 2000. It's like right before COVID. And, uh,

uh, they're all talking about it. I was like, yeah, that's crazy. Like that. I just, you know,

like I, you know, whatever. And somebody was like, Jake, weren't you guys like friends? And I was like, Oh, you guys like friends and I was like oh you know um I gave him a ride you're like I was like I had one of those moments where I was like

dude 10 years ago like me and Yusuf would like drink beer together and open mics and he'd put me up and like whatever like I gave him a ride home a couple times but that to me that was like so long ago it was like seven years ago at that I met Yusuf because we were sitting on the bus, and we booked at each other, and we were both so clearly high on heroin that we started talking. And we're like, you do comedy? I do comedy. That's crazy. We met through heroin, bonded through comedy. Yusuf.

Yeah. Oh, man. One time Yusuf and I were on this festival in Boise, Idaho, right? And there is this owner of a club there that's like, you guys should come out with my friends. I can introduce you to a girl, and you guys would like her. And so we're like, okay. So we go out, and we meet with this girl, and she's like way into me. She's in love with me.

I'm like, oh, my God. I'm totally going to have sex tonight. So I go back to this girl's house. I have sex with her. Couldn't believe it. Totally because of comedy. The next day I show up, and this girl had just gotten a divorce with a comedian that was local to Boise. And that's why the owner was kind of setting this up was to be like, hey, I'm going to bring in these out-of-town comics just to fuck your ex-wife like a week after you guys break up, right?

So we show up and the fives are tense because this guy had seen us out with this girl. But the dude just assumed that it was Yusuf who fucked her. And so he hated Yusuf and was talking shit about him the whole time and he was like they seriously are like i'm the only black guy in boise and they think i'm coming here cucking their men i was like dude thank you for taking the ball for me you're a soldier of god dude i love that we're doing this what's crazy is he booked yusuf and i on a show right after the festival before we got there and I you know fucked his wife and her ex-wife and so this guy ended up driving

me two hours outside of Boise and then she drove out too and came to the show and he went up to her and was like why are you here and she was like oh I'm gonna hang out with JT tonight and he was like you're gonna fuck that loser in the hotel room that I'm paying for for him and I was like wow dude Yusuf

if it weren't for Yusuf taking the fall from me, I wouldn't have been able to do that show. I wouldn't have been able to get on that hotel. I was like, Yusuf, I owe you one, man. Except, you know, obviously, I think we're even now. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think, yeah, the transgressions are plenty at this point. Yeah.

Yeah, I still hang out with him. I think he's in the islands. I heard he was in China. No, my bro that still talks to him said that he was in China for a bit, I still hang out with him. I think he's in the islands. I heard he was in China. No, my bro that still talks to him said that he was in China for a bit. I swear to God. Yeah, I know that he went to the place he was from, like St. Lucia or something. I think he was there. Yeah, St. Thomas Islands.

Yeah, and then he – yeah. But, dude, going to China after you get canceled, a lot of guys get into steroids or like jiu-jitsu or they get in shape, you just like just moving to fucking zhenjin province like yeah fuck it take the east yeah yeah those uh the fucking um i feel like like me and you got a taste of the fucking mic scene before like rogan like before like the city right yeah like i just i don't i don't I'm not trying to fucking like get all teary eyed about it or like stuck up. But it was, like dude, when I first moved here, you'll think this is funny. When I first moved to Austin, I was 18 years old.

I just, it was like August. I turned 18 in March. And like, I was like, big city, you know, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, I want to start doing stand-up. I've always wanted to do stand-up. At the time, the biggest people in the city were Cap Barbadoro, Jake Flores, and Mullen. And Mullen had just moved. And Barbadoro was moving to New York, and Flores was still there.

And I remember being like, I want to be just like him. was still there and i remember like being like i want to be just like him like i like he got free chicken strips at fucking the velveta room and like two free blue moon and i was like dude i can't wait till i'm 30 and i get free chicken strips and i get blue moons and like all the all of like the cool veteran guys that like kind of that i met that were like all right here's here's ropes you don't want to have sex with this girl has fucking herpes you don't want to fuck around with her this uh this guy is cool he runs this club but he will try to jack you off like just like i'm getting you know the rundown or whatever and that was like right before me and you met so i like but i was like oh like i would go and try to catch people's shows that i thought were like taking

off and going to make it. And like all those guys now, not all of them, some of them, like some of them I'm still friends with insofar as like we're friends on the computer, like through the internet. But dude, some of them are just in jail. A lot of them are dead. And then some of them just ended up being like huge pieces of shit, like not even a kind of a piece of shit, not kind of like, oh, that guy, he got too drunk one night and like you know yelled at his wife or whatever you know oh i think they're having a hard no like under the j you know what i mean like just like real yeah real losers my favorite type of comedy person is the dude that did open mics for like six months to two years

and then stopped because his job got hard or he got a good job and now has like a wife and a kid and i still follow on facebook or instagram or something and he's just posting like oh hey you know my microsoft job's going good my wife just got her teacher position i have a fucking 11 year old now and i'm like dude that you dodged him fucking doing this i used to when people used to tell me i want to do comedy i used to be like don't do it don't do comedy yeah don't do it. It'll ruin you, dude. And then now when people ask, I say, oh, yeah, it's free, easy, and fun. I tell everyone to do it just because I'm sick of trying to warn people. I used to be like an oracle for young men saying like, no, you're going to just be mentally ill, do drugs with other mentally ill psycho people that think they're going to be famous.

It's not going to make you any better. And now I just say, oh, dude, do it. Oh, it's so much fun. There's five mics mics a night you can do all of them yeah yeah fucking uh yeah the i oh oh dude i went i tried to go do rogan's mic the other day and i just watched a guy get fucking like choke slammed onto the concrete all of the door guys are like black belts in jiu-jitsu, and he does that on purpose. He like staffs like just Batman. They're all yoked. The amount of dudes

there that have cauliflower ear is like, dude, there's like eight of them. There's like eight guys that aren't like the comedian door guy staff, but are like the security door guy staff. Yes, yes, yes. They all do. That have like cauliflower ear so intensely where I'm like, yeah, dude, I would never. I would just give you my wallet, dude. Well, fucking I appreciate you swinging by, dude, and hanging out with us doing the fucking show.

Do you have anything coming up show-wise that you're doing? Yeah, I'm doing the Creek and Cave tonight at the 10 p.m. I'm doing live at Fallout on Friday. I'm doing cocktails on the 28th. I'm recording a mini special on the 7th for Arrogant Comedy. There it is. January 7th, two shows at East Austin Comedy Club. At 8 p.m. and at 10 p.m., I'm recording a fucking 20-minute videotape.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Arrogant Comedy Productions. Hell yeah. Let's do another mic again, and maybe you can smoke some heroin. Self-. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. Hell yeah. Let's do another mic again, and maybe you can smoke some heroin. Self-funded special. Yeah. I haven't done heroin in almost 10 years, baby.

Let's go, brother. That's awesome. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah, go. Heroin makes you good. Go check. Oh, before we go, somebody on Twitter messaged me who had bought a shirt.

Happy 50th birthday to Jack's dad. And if you didn't want to hear about that, well, too bad because now you've heard about it. Happy birthday,

Jack's dad. Happy birthday, Jack's dad. Happy birthday, Jack's dad. Thank you, JT, for coming on.

Thank you, boys. Good to catch up. Thank you, brother. You guys have a safe, fun day.

Yes, sir, you too. Do we stop it at the same time? No, you don't have to. You can just stop it.

One, two, three. Stop.