Pendejo Time - the jiggly book

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

roll to avoid the jiggly book. you have rolled a 13. Dungeon Master Thomas informs you that you have to kiss the jiggly book Support the show

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah Happy new year, oh yeah She licking on it, yeah yeah She make it go, oh yeah I got when I create walk, got my benjis in there blue on it, oh yeah When I put it in the ground I go Just trying out new types of stuff just trying out new types of rap this yeah Listening to a lot of hyper pop and I was like what's maybe the next thing and I was thinking hyper hyper trap But I don't know what the word hyper means and I don't really even know if I know What? word hyper means and I don't really even know if I know what music is so the only

thing that I was able to get going was this one. You know what I mean? Hyper boing. Yeah hyper boing where it's like all the it's like oh yeah it's very beautiful for brought up. He put on that one to boy. Anyway, hope everybody's dreaming of a boring Christmas. Happy New Year. But I hope everybody's feeling awesome. Everybody's got an awesome feeling mind. I hope everybody has an awesome spirit

and I hope everybody feels good and I hope you didn't call into work too much. And I hope maybe you're driving, it's Thursday morning, you're driving to work listening to this and you're like, I could kill everybody because of how awesome I feel. Know what I mean? Yeah.

Except if your name is Santa in which you're probably taking this whole week off. 100%. Yeah. Damn it, dude, I need to label these. Fuck. Yeah. If you're Santa, maybe you're taking this whole week off. Yeah, if you're Santa maybe you're taking this whole week off.

Yeah. Because Santa was getting mad pussy all Christmas night. If you're an elf in the North Pole though the only hole you're taking off is the donuts out of the box I Don't like that one Does any doughnuts No, but if you're police if you're part of the elf police force Probably like candy cane doughnuts Oh, maybe a maple donut.

Yeah. Maybe like a Christmas flavor donut. Like a wreath donut. A wreath donut. Yeah. Vegan elves be like, yeah, I think I'm just going to have a wreath for lunch. Yep. Like a grilled cheese, grilled treat. Yep. Like a grilled cheat grilled treat.

Yep. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's really funny. Yes. It's two pieces of bread with a piece of freaking reef in there for the yeah. Can I get a candy cane? Just a just a white stripes on it though. Mm hmm. I'm watching my I'm watching my figure skate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, can I get an eighth of wreath? I'm gonna go and smoke down that chimney. Christmas. Can I get some ginger?

Hold the bread, please. Yeah. Could I get some ginger? Hold the bread, please? Yeah, I've been trying to lose weight and I've actually been starting to see the number on the scale gumdrop Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ding-a-ding-a-ling-a-ding. Do you think when a gingerbread man sees this nose he goes, oh my god. More icing. When I was really little I used to believe, like I'm talking like a little kid, maybe like 15 or 16. I used to believe that there was like people that lived in the snow globes.

Like little people. Yeah, that's stupid. Yeah. Seems painful. And they had lives and stuff and they had to go to work and stuff like that. I remember when we were kids we used to run trains in our snow globes. We'd cut a hole in them and we'd fuck the hell out of the glitter and gel in there. Daddy, what was Christmas like when you were a boy?

Because momma used to have snow globes and you'd run a train on them. Momma used to fuck the hell out of your snow globes when you was a boy. Yeah, we'd shake them up and then we'd bust them. Mama say you used to fuck the hell out of your snow globes when you was a boy. Yeah, we'd shake them up and then we'd bust them. Daddy, why does that represent the spirit of Christmas? Because every Christmas morning we'd come downstairs with a big boner and we'd all want the big fat booty of snow globe and there was a snow globe called booty city where and it had a bunch of snow booties in there. You'd shake it up and all the women would come out of the little Christmas houses with the yeah Yep Maybe super sexual it made me the freak a bunch of tiny obese women

The size of thimbles, but they would come out with the shit jiggling me and the cousins would get so on her We'd start breaking the glass to get to the window. We'd join hands and a hum would sound across the room. A purple glow. Sort of like when you, if you slide a file on a refrigerator door. That sounds crazy Christmas.

That sounds Christmas. Yeah, my name is Christmas. My name's crazy Christmas. My name is Christmas. My name's crazy Christmas. This one's Christmas. Yeah, my name is Christmas. It's crazy Christmas. My name is Christmas. My name is crazy Christmas. Grandma, grandpa Christmas. Can you tell us about the time you see snow globes and get poisoned? Well, yeah, this is common common practice in the household to drink all the liquid inside the snow globe and then get real violent and hurt your family We used to have a snow globe hamburger. We'd put a burger patty

lettuce cheese all that between two snow globes and eat it But why? We was out of bread it was all we could afford We could wagyu beef the finest cheese in the land. Amazing lettuce, fantastic tomatoes. Fantastic tomatoes. We get two crunchy snow globes. I like how you didn't, you don't know like what a quality tomato was.

So you're qualified, wagyu beef the finest, and then of course just some fantastic tomatoes. I know a fantastic tomato when I see and taste one. Mmmhmm. Grandfather, if you could afford wagyu beef, why wouldn't you just go get bread from the store? Snow globes are expensive. I was very financially irresponsible. I couldn't afford any bread because I spent all my money on snow globes. That must've meant you had a lot of Christmas spirit. Eh, grandpa?

No, I was deeply in hell. I committed horrible crimes. But grandpa, everybody says you got the most Christmas spirit. I got the most Christmas pussy from snow globes. That's what they meant. But Grandpa, everybody in the town said... They said they were the most Christmas spirits in my house because I was always shrieking. I was always standing next to the windows windows cracking them open and letting out a cry

This I thought there were spirits in my house, but why grandpa Because I couldn't afford any more snow globes. I ate them all Grandpa it's sometimes not in that order sometimes backwards You ate them and you fucked them. Grandpa. Sometimes not in that order. Sometimes backwards. Oh, Grandpa, you have such crazy stories. Yeah, someday you will too when you're 16 like I am. Ha ha. Applause.

Thanks for that story. What do you think Santa would do if he got a boner while he was on his sled? Thanks for that story. What do you think Santa would do if he got a boner while he was on his sled? I would imagine he's probably... And then he was about to give somebody a present and it was... The present was a big booty. So he just got his wires crossed? And so he was thinking about

Booty and he didn't know what to do So he just trying to squeeze a big booty kicking a big booty down the chimney trying to get fit So you said ass cheeks down a brick? Yeah Just I don't know. I feel like Santa being like I would imagine I guess he's technically like a deity you know what I mean like a Like a demigod or something so I would imagine I guess he's technically like a deity you know I mean like a Like a demigod or something so I would imagine that Although the people might complain against he's red Yeah, and white I don't think anybody be too mad first of all if I'm a teenager And I get a big fat set of booty cheeks down my big brick chimney That's a good Christmas for me. You if they were firstly spanked though?

They had hay marks on them and teeth marks. Probably would do me, man. Teeth marks. Just bare ass cheeks that are red with teeth and spank mark. I think I would probably, if I was a teen boy, that'd be cool. Now, if I'm like, if I'm a parent and I come home and my little two year old is slapping

on a jiggly pair of cheeks and there's bite marks on them, like disembodied cheeks I'm going to be pretty fucking pissed off. I'm going to be calling in the North Pole hotline and asking Santa what gives, asking to speak to the ethics committee I guess you'd say. But yeah I guess it would be situational. Now with the boner I don't know. I feel like it's not appropriate. Like if you, for example, if you had a boner at work,

that would be inappropriate. It would be natural. Yeah, well, yeah, in your line of work, being a homosexual prostitute. But if you worked a normal job. So I feel like Santa would probably get in trouble. Mrs. Claus would probably ask him why. I would imagine she's got-

It's natural to get a boner or- No it's not. Any job. Any job you have you're gonna get a boner there. Correctional officer? Boner. Um, librarian? This- you could read the sexual book and get a boner on accident. Or you could accidentally grab the jiggly- the jiggly oh the jiggly book jiggly book falls on your loins

The jiggly book falls on your loins, how do you proceed? It's just gonna say it's like a Skyrim loading like a loading text from the jiggly book falls on your loins how do you proceed I roll to escape the jiggly book looks like you rolled a 13 out of 20 meaning you well 13 was a weird one for you to roll on this one I Guess that means that you do escape the jiggly book Okay You on the next turn you have to roll again because you think you're probably gonna go back to it. Oh So I've escaped it physically, but I'm still kind of skipped it, but your mind is still

I've escaped it physically, but I'm still kind of skipped it, but your mind is still I mean it's sphere of influence and you just heated the jiggly book up right before I fell on your loins oh so it's warm it's a perfect temperature so I've escaped the jiggly book physically it's no longer on my loins but mentally but you're mentally addicted to the jiggly books feeling on your loins okay so you want to see what the pages will feel like okay so okay so I re-enter the chamber of the jiggly book okay you must roll again okay I roll to open the open the jiggly book but only to the first page, it's not be enticed by its deserous ways, by its horniness. Looks like you rolled a 14,

which again is pretty unclear on whether, you know, whether that's good or bad, definitely better than a 13. Okay. It looks like you read it and you were able to resist reading all of it, but you ended up turning it to the second page. Oh goodness. And the second page was a picture of just a picture of you fucking the hell out of the Jiggly book. And it looked awesome.

Oh man. Oh god I feel like... You guys were in bed together and it was a bed frame that you picked out. Oh wow. That's romantic. Yeah. Uh, and it was wearing a pink bra. Your favorite. Yeah. Park, man.

All right. Um, okay. So I'm clearly the Julie book is trying to get on the line. Loins again, clearly that the jiggly, and now I have enough mental wherewithal to understand what the Jiggly Book's motives are. So I think what I'm gonna do is I'm going to try to latch the lock of the Jiggly Book and close it for good

because I know what it wants me to do. So I want it to close. I'm gonna roll to lock the jiggly book up. Okay. It looks like you have rolled a one. You do successfully lock it up. Okay. With yourself inside.

No! You are trapped. The jiggly book is fucking you, Jake. No! Yeah. Yes. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o If it's awesome, then I guess I'd just have why am I you were having an awesome time fuck Why was I trying to escape the jiggly book in the first place? You should have embraced you should have let it fuck you the first role Amazing time you have one incredible chemistry with the jiggly. It feels great, dude You've never been this happy your whole life going around you've never experienced Positions you've never thought this happy your whole life going around you've never experienced in your life Yeah, you fucking hidden positions. You've never thought of with the jiggly book. You're doing the page You're fucking the spying of it. It's like at the epilogue. You're doing a new position called the book Yeah, it's where you fucking you just split yourself down the middle and then lay there for like two hours Yeah, and then a bunch of people look at you. Mm-hmm the liquor

the lick book Man I'm fucking I didn't even I didn't even drink last night. I feel I feel just bad today You didn't drink last night. No, oh you try to start the new year on off on the right foot Yeah, something like that sure that's great Yeah, you're trying to fucking not drink wow that's awesome. Oh, that's I'm really proud of you Well, thanks, man. Yeah, so let's actually have fucking real problems to deal with and we'll never escape the clutches of alcohol, but It's awesome too. Yes, some of us have to drink 19 beers. No, I get it man.

No, I actually, I don't think I even technically binge drink but I was being silly. I was being too silly last night. Oh yeah? Did you hit the silly sauce? I played too much. No, I spilled champagne. I accidentally spilled my friend champagne. Oh That sucks I champagne X and they knocked it on my other friends Rug Not the whole at the bottle it's like a little cup of it Okay, I still felt bad. Were you at like a big soiree was like a nice Manhattan penthouse like no It was just a small

Apartment okay, but anyway, it was cool Played Russian roulette one And then I actually got robbed and I basically yeah, I got arrested and then I actually got robbed and I basically yeah, I got arrested and then I Found a I'd started driving a blue Camaro Just started driving a blue ZR one Camaro The away whatever the fuck the letters gold rims and I had on orange sunglasses

So the night was pretty good It's not too bad. Yeah. Yeah, I got arrested and I ruined the party But I did in the night in a blue Camaro with a pair of orange sunglasses Yeah with red seats and orange sunglasses yellow and I had on a pink bra The jiggly book was there too. Yeah, that's awesome, man. I love the jiggly book most guys love the thought of a girl in a pink bra Yeah pink shorts or something whatever underwear pink pink panties Boxers yeah pink boxer shorts and a pink lacy bra in a pink shirt Pink hat in black shoes, black Converse shoes.

Black Converse shoes. With no socks. In a black bucket hat. In a necklace. Oh. In the yellow nails. And blue eyeshadow. In chain shorts.

Long ones. And red lipstick. and and red lipstick Yes, red lipstick Is So fucking cool so hot dude and a pink bra, yeah And I need a girl with a pink bra and a red lipstick. Red hat. Red lipstick.

Red hat. Oh. That's what, um. But that's all guys are looking for nowadays and it's fucking sad. I remember when I was growing up, we wanted women with a blue dress. Yeah. And now, and it was gonna be, it would be long. And they would use it to make butter.

Sure, yeah. And now guys want a girl to have a pink dress that's small and instead of going instead of making butter they make profiles on tinder right okay got you what do you think of that um yeah my new year's joke yes my new year's bid I'm doing I kind of my my big special coming out this year I think that I'll be kind of be my my big Killer as they say what's your special gonna be called? Killing them hardly oh

I see it's gonna be kind of a sequel to killing him softly by Dave Chappelle except instead of by him It'll be by me. I got you. Okay, and it'll be just kind of circling back on some of the things He said the way that I see them now Gosh, I feel like I'm kind of the reincarnation of him. Unfortunately, he died right after the Chappelle show ended Yeah, the clone of him that's big now is like a yeah He passed away and this very said what happened and we don't know what happened to him we don't but yeah I think I think I'm gonna have a special where I'm wearing like a leather suit and no shirt underneath just like a low-cut leather suit. Okay, and

Maybe I could call it like minding my business. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm wearing sunglasses the whole time Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've got a toothpick in a really long one for some reason. Yeah, how long we talking? Like a six inch long toothpick, okay Weirdly specific pencil a pencil in my mouth basically, okay, but with a domed tip They don't hurt my teeth It's a little lip around the edge of the dome Low cut leather jacket no shirt six inch domed toothpick that doesn't hurt your teeth. Now you gotta tell me what type of pants you got on. Leather. Ok, baggy, skinny, fitted, regular bell bottom. They'll fit kind of like suit pants. Those of you who know

fit kind of like suit pants. Those of you who know suits, you'll know what I'm talking about. Like whenever you put a suit on and the pants fit just the way you want them to. Okay, gotcha. Just the way that, I mean everybody knows how slacks are supposed to fit and that's exactly how these will fit.

Okay. And they'll be stretchy leather, probably from something rare, an ox gotcha so maybe maybe pigeon leather maybe they got thousand pigeons stitched together I Don't think you can produce leather from a pigeon. I mean, I don't know they got ostrich leather. They can't make pigeon leather um It's ostrich leather real. Oh, I thought was made up No, unfortunately, I think it's real

Pigeon leather yeah, you can google it they I mean it nothing really comes up, but you can Google it I just finished wicked the movie It was It was movie Wicked that seemed like it was gonna be dog shit is fine You've done musicals guy. You were telling me you are tell me love musicals They do have ostrich leather, but why? All right, can you make leather from pigeons? I'm gonna Google it you

make pigeon Leather I make Pigeon leather I mean if they had it they would probably brand it as dove Yeah, you can make leather from pigeon skin in early leather treatment tanners use pigeon manure to make leather soft But there can also be made from the skin of many other animals including cows pigs goats sheep dogs cats crocodiles and ostriches. The other can be made using plant-based materials such as bark and cork. Yeah I'll probably I'd have one of the Barton cork ones and that sounds like an amazing cocktail. Barton cork? Yeah can I get the Barton cork yeah Barton cork get the Barton cork please would you say bark yeah I said bark bark like he said Bart like that was the

material yeah I got new shoes are made out of Bart yeah these are that uh those are not those Ferragamo's yes a new Ferragamo is just made from Bart Yeah, are those Bart leather? Saskin a guy if his yellow boots are Bart leather Like a guy clearly like some really nice cow skin like I like upper levels like the fucking What's that Italian boot company? They got placed an awesome. I can think of it. Yo, dude. Those are really nice Those yellow you whatever. Yeah, Lucas is yeah. Hey, dude Okay, Z's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for noticing man, but pretty pretty on a man beautiful like sunset yellow color those Bart

I put a pretty penny on him. Man, beautiful, like sunset yellow color. Are those Bart? Is that Bart leather? No, no, it's Marge. Ah, okay, so yeah, all right. Bart leather. Oh my God. Man, I fucking, oh dude.

I think I fucking, do you ever just like, when you go pay bills and you're like you think Any other day of month I Tell myself you like I would never think to spend like three thousand dollars just You know what? I don't this is not a novel observation This is like literally like a old this is like this is like something that fucking like Lenny Bruce would say but I was thinking I was paying bills today I was like I would never on like the 17th of the month be like I think I'll spend like $4,000 Today, I think that's fine And every time it leaves my bank account. I almost throw up. I

Want to spend $4,000 on something cool like a fucking I don't even know what cost four thousand dollars that I would like I don't really have like expensive taste or anything like that, but It's I don't think it should cost that much I think rent should be like max $500 and I think utilities should be like it should be more Like you think it should be higher. Yeah, I Want my rent to be more? And I want to make less money

Kind of what a sufferer like a great come over and make my clothes less comfortable while I'm asleep I Want yeah, I want to I want to crinkler to come in and crinkle my shirts up while I'm sleeping Yeah, I want my clothes to be made out of burlap And I want to be beaten in the town square My underwear to be made out of fucking 100 grit sandpaper You know I want to fucking want the crinkler to come make my clothes crinkly I Hope I don't if you ever to come make my clothes crinkly. I hope nothing bad. Well, if you ever don't feel like paying a bunch of money,

just skip the rent and it'll be way less. It'll be zero. It'll be really cheap, really fast if you just don't pay your rent for like two months. It'll actually go down to zero, which is crazy. Yeah. My phone won't turn on so right now my, my rent is not really my business.

That's funny. What's wrong with your phone? The charging port hasn't worked since September. Yeah. And it's just sort of not charging wirelessly anymore But um, it's alright Sometimes you don't have a phone anymore. It's not that important. I'll deal with it When I can I'm gonna paint in my side think I'm dying You know some you're gonna be a motherfucker Crazy ass motherfucker. That's what you get for being a fancy landlord asking for his L though

Zell he makes you pay him through Zell. Yeah So does he own? Does he own the whole? Brownstone yeah, and so he gets rent from all y'all motherfuckers. Yep. That is crazy. So a genuine question is, I mean, this is probably a stupid question for like people who live in New York or like maybe grew up there. So they took the brownstones, right? And then they just built, it used

to be one big ass house, I'm guessing. And then they built, like shoddily built like yours is nice But I feel like I've seen been to places in New York where it's clear that this wasn't an apartment It was one big house that they just like it depends there are like Multi-story ones, but the one that I live in the floor was added later Walls oh the top floor so it's like that's why my ceilings are super low Yeah, that makes just cuz they it was like a Yeah, some of some of them were like industrial

others like Like there's a lot of newer buildings that are just like for housing or whatever, but like there's a lot of repurposed Building space I feel like yeah My question like there's a Really like like trendy neighborhood called Dumbo. Oh, yeah directly under it's like It literally is just under a bridge that's loud as fuck. And it's like a, still like a pretty obviously like industrial area.

Yeah. But isn't it like a rich person zone? Like it's super crazy. It is now, but they like, they like kind of made it up. Oh, because it is like really close to Manhattan. And so they'd like kind of made up a fancy neighborhood. So they like came in and made it look gotcha the part yeah still like everything there is tiny and then there's a fucking loud ass train every two minutes that's pretty the restaurants have nowhere to sit and it's like everything is a

million dollars and it's loud as fuck it's called Dumbo and it's just there's a lot of stuff like that where I don't really Fundamentally agree with what's going on I really like New York like a lot, but I feel like a lot of what I like have come to know about the city is a Really cool and hip area will be described to you in that way where it's like Yeah, everything's really small and a train runs through it every two seconds and there's like a 500 year old bridge over it and a lot of the land is cursed like with like It's like Algonquin spirits and stuff, but it's super awesome

It's like a really historic area and then you have to you have to be like man That does sound cool because if you say that sounds like shit Somebody will be like oh, you just don't understand the city or whatever yeah a lot of like Apparently a lot of like Lenape grave sites were turned into like municipal parking lots Like flat areas, and they're like oh, I know what I can use this for just concrete, baby. This is awesome. Yeah Dude, I don't know if I ever told you this and it really only struck me and Ashley is bizarre Like maybe two months ago. We moved in here like mid now like late August or September so we've only really been here like three or four months and

In both of the bathrooms when you go to shower And in both of the bathrooms, when you go to shower, this isn't super common for a shower. Chest high is the bathtub material, so it's like a tile. Above that is just sheet rock. It's just sheet rock. And so I was showering the other day, and I was looking at the paint and the sheetrock like bubbling and I was like, why is that happening?

And then it clicked. The shower water just sprays on the sheetrock like the whole time that you're showering. Like whenever they built these apartments, it used to be above the bar, it used to be just a gambling hall back in like, I think the 40s and 50s and they built the apartments in like the 60s or 70s and there was two stories of

apartments third story burns down that's why I like the ceilings are really high here kind of like opposite what you were saying at your place but they just half ass built all the apartments because I think it used to just be like two really big ones and now it's like eight of them and so in the bathroom it's mostly just like cheap drywall exposed just drywall with like a thin coat of paint over it And so both showers they have like the bathrooms built in But then yeah the rest of the where the water hits like from the shower is just like sheetrock or yeah Just paint and drywall. It's probably good. It. No, it's moldy

like it's like I see the mold on it and I'm like It no it's moldy like it's like I see the mold on it, and I'm like hmm, I Should probably it's okay hit it with some girl that'll with time that'll you can paint over that with time It only strikes it strengthens the sheetrock. Yeah. Yeah, you can paint over that. It makes it strong. I have mold in my toilet Tank and I just you just spray some stuff in there once a month and you put the lid back on and you don't really think about it. I don't want to do anything I think with the house or anything anymore.

I don't want to clean my apartment anymore and I don't even really clean it. It's kind of a kind of not not what I do. I mean Did I had a French dip sandwich today is so awesome and I had some a juice and And then I had some cheesecake This is good. Those really I had I had a cinnamon Raisin bagel and it was okay There's a mistake. Why? And then I, I've been trying to lay off the gluten a little bit and then I'll eat a fucking giant bagel

on the first thing in the morning and then I'm fucked the rest of the day. Do you have a gluten tongue? Just because I want to save three dollars and get a bagel instead of a sandwich. And I could just bring, I just could just bring like a bar or something. Yeah.

And then for lunch, well, and then I had a donut later. And that was really yummy. It was from like kind of a fancy place, but it was a fancy place that was still in like a really bad neighborhood, so they had to be kind of cheap. Oh yeah, I started to love it. So it was like a fancy donut

that was very like fluffy and chewy, and I really liked it. And then I had a metal can of water with it that I accidentally threw away almost immediately. I was like, oh, I'll get a reusable one and I just threw it away. During the trash. Yeah. Dude, I love it. And then I had pan-fried pork dumplings for lunch.

Ooh, that sounds delicios. That sounds really good. I love in the big cities, like, when an area, like before gentrification and all this stuff really just takes an area over completely, somebody will open up like an artisanal craft fancy doughnut shop called like Flake right next to like a battered women's shelter and a guns. You know what I mean? Like a crumble cookie opens

up like in the second ward or something. And then like you'll see it on the news and it's like local, you know, famous California cookie chain Tasty comes to the fucking murder capital of the world or whatever and that's like the first Like you said it's like it's just in a place where it shouldn't be like it doesn't belong there. Yeah There's a place in my neighborhood that sells slices of oxtail pizza It's $12 a slice That is not good, but I understand it's oxtail. Although I think it is a black owned business. I don't

think it's entirely like think oxtail is just expensive nowadays, but I've only had it once. And it was it was good, but I wasn't like I wasn't like, oh my god, I need to be eating a cow's tail every day. I would be very surprised. Thomas if it I was like, I was good but I wasn't like, I wasn't like, oh my god, I need to be eating a cow's tail every day. I would be very surprised Thomas if it was so good that that's what you, that was kind of what I

also, I kept eating the bones on accident. I just swallowed them. The bones of the tail. Yeah, they're kind of chewy and I just like the cartilage. Yeah, I just kept, I just, my coworkers were watching me and I just felt awkward so I just kept swallowing it I didn't want to spit it out in an african that's pretty cool I like that um yeah there's a lot of other Jamaican dishes that are good like like curry chicken yes yeah I love that shit that's

that's very yummy patties those are pretty good it's just empanadas so they don't fry they bake them instead mmm Which you know, it's like, all right, you can fry them. I won't tell anybody that you stole empanadas. Yeah, from Hispanics. Yeah. Right. Pretty good stuff. And then they have awesome stuff like cow's feet, which we eat a lot of, you know know cow's feet and coconuts. Cow's feet, coconut rice. Yeah, oh yeah, we should have a. Next time I come up. Yeah, come eat some lung, come eat some, yeah.

Lamb lung with coconut rice. Oh man, yeah. I, what was I going to yeah, I uh Was I gonna say I don't remember I feel like the whole purpose of like a franchise Like voodoo donut for example, one of the first ones it was opened up in Austin was like in the only part of the city that was like Shitty like no part of Austin is like particularly gnarly or ever really was. But that opened up there. Same with Torchies. And then now it's just kind of all over the place or whatever. And it's all bad. Like I don't know. The thing I like

about New York and Chicago and Houston is like if me and you hang out in New York, I love going to eat Jumbo Chicken number 48. I love Jumbo Chicken number 48 because it's the 48th version of that restaurant and it's delicious. And they serve anything from Hito's to chicken wings to like fucking, you know, like Oxtail Pizza. You know what I'm saying?

Like the name is just, it's just an English to I want to call this restaurant the 48th big chicken And then that's whatever the fuck the language of the owner translated English jumbo. It's called Texas chicken and burger here Yeah, perfect. That's awesome What but one of the biggest one of the biggest like? Southern food places just called like Dallas barbecue. Yeah. It doesn't even make, doesn't even make sense. It's not Dallas related at all. It's like, it's just, it's just like American food.

It's like boomer jacks or something. Yeah. Okay. The, the thing about, I guess like, cause Houston's the same way, especially if you get like in a V like Vietnamese town, it'll be, yeah, it'll be like, um, tasty Asian Chicken 13. And you're like, this place is gonna rock. I go to check the reviews, five stars,

there's 800 of them, it's delicious. Oh yeah, there'll be places in Chinatown called Chinese Place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, how does anybody find you? Chinese food taco place. The search engine optimization is not there. Dog shit.

But yeah, in Austin it's like, there'll shit, but yeah in Austin. It's like There'll be a happy Chinese man The fucking all the places in Austin here are called like, you know El Gondo and it's like Tasty tapas of Mexican and it's like they put 50 million dollars into building the restaurant and the foods dog shit But get but put me on a plane drop me off in LaGuardia to give me a taxi to Chinatown and we're gonna go to Tasty Chinese Princess number 14. And I'm gonna have the best fucking dim sum in the world. I'm the best dumplings.

But yeah, in Austin it's the Jiangxing treetops. And you go to Jiangxing treetops and there's like green and gold emerald everywhere the emperor's there and It's dog dick and then you fucking nope. I'm gonna get on a plane I'm gonna go straight to LA and then I'm gonna go to Lovely Chinese boy number nine and it's gonna be the best fucking shit in the whole world. They got the system down That's it in Houston. Best Mexican food is not called like Tejas Aloha it's called fucking taqueria around Dinas number nine or whatever the

fuck that's what it's called it's not called like hola hola there's a place here called the restaurant Mexicano that I bet it rocks I've never been but it makes me laugh every time I see it on I think it's like I think it's for when people look on maps or whatever So it's like literally like when they look up Mexican restaurants that pops up but being like welcome to the Mexican restaurant But I'm York City when I was traveling in Europe They were like I was hanging on this place at Montmart Montmartre, it's like where all the artists live or whatever, and I forget what the place was called, but it translated in English to a place to meet your friends.

And I remember like, directly translated, it was like just a place to meet friends, but I forget what the name in French was. If anybody is French and can speak French, sound off in the comments. Anyway, I was talking to this French couple I had met at the Eiffel Tower on a courtyard drinking. And I was like, where are we going to go after this?

And they were like, oh, in French, they were like, these don't sound des amis or whatever. And I was like, what is that? What do I put in my phone? And they were like, a place to meet your friends. And I was like, I'm not putting that in my phone. What's the name of the bar? It was like an Abbott and Costello type bit.

They were like, that's the name of the bar. And I was like Abbott and Costello type bit They're like that's the name of the bar and I was like stop fucking with me or I'm gonna kill you What's the name and they were like just follow us? We'll go and then of course we get there and the sign hanging off said like something something does on me or whatever Which is literally just a place to meet your friends It's like if you had a bar and in Texas and it was just called a bar where you drink and get into a fight At essentially like that's they named it that on purpose like the owners apparently like they were telling me I remember they're like it's like a joke or whatever But maybe when I open up a bar Yeah, I called you can throw up and piss on the floor in here

Like or like you can you can fucking here in the bathroom in here and kill yourself There's a Roach Motel by me called the White Rock Inn which cracks me up every time I try it's It's one of those places you can rent by the hour, which, you know, that's just for killing people or prostitutes or smoking crack. And it's literally called the White Rock Inn. The pool, Thomas, is filled with concrete and people still sit by it. It's every time I drive past it on the freeway, I'm taking the feeder road to get on 35 South to get to my apartment.

I'll drive past the White Rock Inn on I-35 South and I'll peek over the feeder road to get on 35 South to get to my apartment. I'll drive past the White Rock Inn on I-35 South and I'll peek over the feeder road and I see that the first time I saw it I was cracking up laughing on the freeway. The pool is filled in just with white concrete but the lawn chairs are still around it and people will sit out there and smoke cigarettes. It's like something out of like a pension book. Like it's completely insane and it looks like nobody lives there or would ever live there, but I see people like out front all the time. I think like sometimes homeless guys will

go stay there to like, you know, do spells or like have sex with each other or maybe try to get their lives together, whichever one of those. It's a good place to get your life together, the White Rock Inn. Yeah, the name always cracks me up. It's like a strip club called like you can get pussy in here you know what I mean like it's just you know it's a good marketing I suppose yeah maybe maybe they're talking about snowballs ooh like a like a snowball fight here comes in That's not what I was saying at all. Why would you say that to me? A jiggly book Have you read it from spine to front Have you unclasped its pink bra? Have you read the from its crevice?

Have you dusted off its page? Have you taken off its pink bra? Have you ca all of its letters? Have you taken off jiggly book? Have you read the sexual chapter on fucking, jigglypuff, the boys. That's the, I was gonna surprise you with that. That is the intro song of the new season of True Detective. Nick Pizzalotta reached out to me.

Yeah, he reached out to me. He's a fan of our show and the living party. Nick Pizzanaccio's. Nick Pizzanaccio's, yeah, he says, do you want to make a True Detective season five, the intro song? And I was like, man, T-Bone did such a good job, and then the other lady did a really good job. And I'm kind of-

T-Bone, you're making me hungry. Yeah, and he was like, nah, you and Thomas are like visionaries. And I said, dude, that means so much coming from you, Nick Pizza Nachos. And he was like, nah, you and Thomas are like visionaries. And I said, dude, that means so much coming from you, Nick, pizza nachos. And he was like, yeah, no problem. So we went to the studio and he was like, this season is about like, so basically in this season, Matthew Lillard, Emma Stone, and Michael Cera, and Joey Diaz. They all work for the New Mexico Homicide Detectives Unit and Joey Diaz finds a book that basically like, there's just a lot of secrets in there

and it ended up being called a Jiggly Book and that was just kind of like a coincidence. So he had me write that song for it. Paid me like so much money for it too something pretty good. He's so generous. Yeah, he's I Don't know if I've talked to you, but I don't know I said like talked about it before like it's some secret I don't know why I guess I just thought like the nature of that show in my mind I my mind automatically before I saw a picture of the guy that made it it generated like an NYU kind of like

Nerdy looking right and almost generated like a like a Woody Allen looking guy in my mind So I was almost kind of taken aback when it was like a man lit like WAP Guido fucking Jacked guy, you know what? I mean like it when I saw who actually made that show I was it just didn't generate in my mind that he would look like that. He literally is like, he's like 5'5". He looks like Frankie Edgar, dude. He's like just a fucking classic Italian dick butter. He just looks goofy as shit, dude. I mean, he's actually handsome, but it's just not who I thought how he would look like. Yep I guess I hadn't really thought about it. I don't really give a shit about TV. I care about books and scholarly stuff. Oh you do? So if True

Detective was a book I'd much rather read it. I don't know why it's so funny to me. Just somebody talking to you about the show like at a house party. Somebody's like, dude honestly I feel like they haven't really, nothing's ever eclipsed that first season, you know what I mean man? And you're just like, yeah I mean if it was a book I would read it. Just the most annoying piece of shit like in the whole world is like so and so. No I'm sure it's a great score. Yeah I could come up with music for it in my head if I was reading the book though.

Score? Yeah, some people- The score is a great theme. Oh yeah. Did you like the cinematography? Yeah, I really like the letters when I read the books. Yeah, but your generation probably forgot about that. Yeah, you know, some people call it soundtracks, I guess. Like some people say OST, but I really probably forgot about that. Yeah, you know some people call it soundtracks

I guess like some people say OST, but I really just like the score and the theme of the letter I like the scores of the themes Love dude. I when I think of a film the first thing I think of is a score I think of the cinematography in the way that they shoot the shots. Oh, yeah, and the lighting mm-hmm the gaffer the gaffer work the gaffing I like purposely being Stupid but that was me like freshman year of college desperate

Desperately Thomas trying to even pretend like I know what I'm talking about around like Just the most kind of like insufferable group of people just coming straight from Pasadena Texas I thought Inception was awesome and I was like yeah and somebody was like you know talking to me about like Kurosawa and I was like dude yeah when he made when he made those movies in Japan and the way that he was shooting them like in like the mountains of Japan is so crazy It's completely I had never seen one absolutely zero movies. I think I was definitely one of those guys that like at

1716 or whatever watched Watched inception and was like this is basically how movies are I watched I watched What's the one where he's a psycho? I Shutter Island and I was like, mm-hmm Yeah, there's movies Just a complete moron dude, yeah, please feel about Butter Island and he's thinking about food the whole time There's something going on on this island Tommy I've everywhere people they're hungry Don't you know me Tom I mean I'm the butcher I'm the guy who makes the butter and cut up all the little animals for you to eat

What about um? What about nutter I gotta get out here so I can get a cheeseburger for lunch. I'm hungry You gotta get me out of here doc I don't belong here I need to get a big cheeseburger for lunch I'm hungry. You gotta get me out of here doc. I don't belong here I need to get a big cheeseburger. I'm hungry. Doc, doc, I keep putting this medicine to me but I gotta get back home so I can get a cheeseburger. My wife's making dinner I gotta get home if she's making spaghetti's. Don't you know? Don't you know who I am? I'm you I'm the guy who makes the burgers for you on the island I'm the amazing chef. Yeah, what about um Flutter Island and you and he sees a cute girl at the park and he gets butterflies Yeah, yeah at the park makes it kind of

Kennedy's more clarification. No like a central park I'm it just like like a New York Park or like a Houston like Memorial Park like whatever there are no bedfellows in New York Park Thanks, that's that's no bedfellows in Central Park. Yeah, none of them over there. Yeah. Oh My god, yeah Just a guy like you're one of your old friend, dude I met this girl in the park the other day like instead of being happy for him You're like I need some clarification on that bud. Okay, we're gonna have to need some more do what kind of park? Are we talking about we're talking just like a jog. You're saying you met a little girl

You piece of shit a little girl to park that's terrible. Yeah, I bet you like that you freak freak Freaky monster um in that book I'm reading the the faithful executioner and the Executioner just like journaled all the guys that he like killed and tortured he had to kill and torture like a lot of ladies and Does he have to torture? Yeah, yeah, so he so I don't know the book like it's kind of dense or maybe I'm just stupid

I guess it's not too dense, but it just you get like a kind of a background of like 1500 1600s like German social life German politics. Oh, I didn't I thought this was a recent thing at first I was like hmm. No no no no this is he was an executioner Old school yeah, yeah like but like fucking big-ass sword and shit and so back then like to get confessions out of people they would just like So one of the things that they he would do Do get this I thought the wheel maybe I've seen too many movies I thought the wheel was when they stretched your body and sometimes they would do that on a big wheel

But really what the wheel is is they would nail you to the ground and then they would break your legs with a wagon wheel they would just get the biggest motherfucker in town to smash your legs with a big wheel and I would just get the biggest motherfucker in town to smash your legs with a big wheel. And that was like, that was your punishment if you were like, if you robbed more than like two people, they would just beat the fuck out of your legs with a big ass wheel. And I was like, who's coming up with these punishments? Because you can just cut a guy's head clean the fuck off, which at the time was the most honorable way to die. That was if you like, if you were like a noble and you embezzled some money, they'd be like, we're

going to cut your head to clean the fuck off. But if you were like a high woman or you killed a lot of kids or something, they would just smash your legs and your hands with a big ass wheel. If you were a woman and you killed your baby, they would put you in a sack and drown you in a river. And the executioner had to do that. And then the journals that he was writing, like I don't particularly like doing this one It's it's not a funny book, but the way that the guy writes it

I was like dude he talks about it so laissez-faire very cavalier the executioner and he's like I had to do the bag today Not a big fan of the bag and then then the author like outside a... so the journal actual journal entries are in italics and then he will write Meister Franz executioner of Nuremberg was not fond of the bag. And then like under it it'll be like a woman from Bavaria killed two of her kids and so yeah we had to had to hit her ass with the bag. If you guys don't know what the bag is, it's basically I get a big-ass wooden pole given to me by the emperor, and I put the woman in a big-ass bag, and then I put her in the Begnitz River at the very bottom, and then I use the pole to drown her in the bag.

Sometimes it takes a really long time. And then the author will be like, Meister France notes in the footnotes of his own journal that the longest execution by the bag drowning took 48 minutes. And then it'll be like, well, but I was doing the drowning of the bag in service of the Lord. He was like a very, this was like shortly after the Protestant Reformation. So he was like a Big Martin Luther guy. And he was like, ah, don't really like drowning ladies in bags, but the Lord does command it, so. It's really like, I would imagine that those guys

definitely had PTSD, because they also like tortured kids and stuff, like if you were like a miscreant youth in the streets of Nuremberg and you like stole too many sweet rolls, that guy that I'm talking about, he would like cut your hand off or something. in the journal he'd be like I had to cut off a boy's hand today didn't feel good about it but it was in the service of the Lord so I think I'm pretty good it got me thinking I was like damn that sucks that's no good that's not that's not great and I think there's still guys like me doing that every day dude

I really think brother I was reading that book is like Thomas would have made a fucking dope-ass executioner I think it just you know like You'd have made a good one like service to the craft. You know what I mean like I know that you're like Oh, I you know I have two doughnuts And then I go do you know like when we first met, you're like, I drink a thousand milligrams of caffeine, I eat like 16 chocolate donuts and then I go climb trees and I chop off the limbs of the trees. But you're very matter of fact, you're very succinct guy.

I could imagine you back then being like, I had a sweet cream roll, then I had a large flag and a veil, and then I drowned a lady in a bag But it was all in service of the church all in service of the son of man So I'm feeling I think I would rather be a blacksmith who kind of sucked at being a blacksmith instantly lung cancer You don't want to do the bag you don't want to do any of that stuff. It seems like a lot of work I Want to do less work than that. The book also notes... It's too much pressure. Yeah, no. What if you accidentally bonk her on the head really hard and she dies from that, then you didn't

even do the execution right. So, there are, literally there's several, like, in several chapters of the book, it would note that if you were a bad executioner, so crowd processions, especially in big German towns, like big city states like Nuremberg at the time, thousands and thousands of people would come to watch the executions, whether you were doing the bag or just the gallows or the sword or the wheel or whatever the fuck, right. But if you were a shitty executioner, the crowd expected you to do well, in so far as they expected you to kill the

motherfucker post haste immediately, they came to see the show But they didn't want it to take too long So in one of the asides it mentions that all the authors like tells the story of an executioner. I think from Berlin he was chopped trying to chop off a lady's head because she cheated on her husband and It took him like four chops because the lady kept moving around because she didn't want to get her head chopped off by a big-ass sword You know makes sense and the crowd got so like angry with anticipation

That they just started throwing rocks at the execution and they killed him with big-ass stones They were just like he was just taking too long to chop the lady's head off So they just started throwing bigger and bigger rocks at him till he fucking died which I Kind of I kind of want that to come back for police like if I if I'm standing on the side of the road on I-35 and I see a guy trying to arrest a dude and he's tasing him and I'm like I don't like this and he's taken too long to just do his due diligence as like a servant of the court or whatever I feel like I should be able to take off a chunk of the curb that I'm

standing on and throw it at the cops head till he dies you know what I mean like you'd like the people's decide yes the cop yes the executioner serve another court But if you're not doing your job to the standard of you know social contract we all sign I should be able to throw bigger and bigger stones it to you to your body stops Moving you know what I mean? Yes, I agree. Thank you for saying that Has to be awkward for the lady. You know yeah, she was chopped up never too happy about it in the book Yeah Which I get you know, I mean

Imagine you just like don't want to have a kid anymore. It's like 1582 Germany and so you take your like your one-year-old son and you just leave him out in the woods Because it's like who's gonna find out back then people were having like 12 13 kids cuz like half of them died from So you take your one-year-old son and you just leave him out in the woods. Because it's like, who's going to find out? Back then people were having like 12, 13 kids because half of them died from diarrhea or the cold or whatever. And eventually someone does find out and then you have to go get your head chopped off by a guy named fucking Gungorg or whatever the fuck Germans are called.

If there's any Germans listening to this show, you guys have dope ass language. It's super cool. You guys have an awesome history that Jake fully supports. I'm like, this is my cookie, this is my juice, okay? Kiyomi, get your ass in here. Jake has read all of Germany's history and he agrees with 100% of it. Um, not all of it. You know what I mean? Like they had some, they were fucking, they were doing the damn thing, you know, for a

while there. They had the, like the Bavarian free whatever. They were doing the damn thing for a while there. Yeah. They did a lot of damn things. They did a lot of damn things. And no, I don't agree with like a pretty good chunk of history of that country. I hate Hitler.

I'm going to come out and say a bad, bad dude. Bad guy. What a piece of shit. Not a good guy. I like that the CIA had a cable, it was like an internal memo that he was just hanging out in Argentina that he didn't kill himself It was like those 1952. I think they're like no he's alive If you're listening to this that means that you are listening to the free episode which means Thank you for listening and welcome to 2025 in a new year for the new Dejo's.

We've got goals this year. We want to crack the most money. I want to make more money than Chapo Trap House so I really need you guys to go to patreon.com slash pendejo time and give us a little bit of cheese. A dollar gets you access to the discord just to hang out in there. A lot of nice guys in there. Five bucks gets you access to the Discord, just to hang out in there. A lot of nice guys in there. Five bucks gets you access to a whole backlog of audio episodes, as well as that Discord access.

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It'll be a lot of fun If you're in Houston this fucking Friday the third 8 p.m. I will be doing the Best of secret group you can find those tickets at the secret group.com Please come to that show so We can sell it out and have a good ass time If you bought tickets to the Chicago show, thank you so much we sold that motherfucker out most quickly and They did not some people have asked about a second show

They did not give us one because they don't have any spots for us that weekend because there are books on it but if for whatever reason you can't make it and you did buy a ticket please please please sound off in a discord because there are people who are looking to get scalp tickets if you want to resell that ticket for like five thousand dollars sell it to me because I'm pretty cool but no if you if you do end up not being able to go throw that shit in the discord so somebody can make it because I was hoping maybe they'd be able to give us a second night but they weren't

able to Thomas you got anything to plug no okay not at all. All right. Well Bye see you