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episode. Damn. Are we cooking up something crazy today? We're cooking up something crazy for y'all
fucking broke ass. It won't. Y'all fucking be listening for free and you think that there's
such a thing in life as a free fucking lunch. Well I got something to tell you. There is. You
can mostly get away with pretty much anything. You don't have to do a lot uh you don't have to work
very hard if you don't want to in life all the like motivational guys you see on like instagram
or whatever saying that you gotta like wake up at four in the morning and shit and like start it you
don't got to do that stuff uh you really don't even have to like i don't know if you've ever i mean i know you have
this is more of a general thing posed to the audience but have you ever had like a
like a job that you work there but barely anybody knows that you work there
you can kind of just you know like i didn't do anything at all at Facebook when I worked there for like seven months.
I didn't do anything.
I would just sleep in the basement.
They had a basement in the fucking building, the big skyscraper there in Austin,
and I would go down there, and in the basement there were a bunch of couches,
like old dusty couches, and I would just sleep down there.
So if you're thinking that you want to work hard or you want to become somebody
you don't really have to do that.
It's really hard.
I would imagine. I'm not anybody
but I'm just assuming that
being like an athlete or you know
a famous actor or something is pretty difficult.
Unless your parents are famous then you know
you can kind of do whatever
you want.
Well I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say being an athlete is hard.
Because, I mean, growing up, we used to go to Cherry Park Pool,
and they had some basketball goals outside.
We'd play all day sometimes as long as it was just, you know, depending on the crowd.
I remember you were telling me.
Sometimes we'd go to the basketball court.
Sometimes we wouldn't because sometimes, you know,
you just know it's not your day, not your day for basketball.
Yeah, you told me that you had petitioned the city
to try and get a whites-only court made.
Yeah, yeah, I did. And they said, you told me that you had petitioned the city to try and get a whites-only court made. Yeah, yeah, I did.
And they said, you already got tennis.
Yeah, that's good.
But I said, you know, I got nothing against black people playing basketball.
I know it's mostly kids younger than me that i was complaining about
right it's mostly kids who you know they weren't causing obviously they weren't causing trouble or
anything it was me causing trouble yeah i was drunk in the pool trying to pull my at the same
time you know i mean if i'm eight years old i'm gonna drink i'm gonna get fucked up
and we start pushing people yeah when i start getting beat up because
i'm i'm being a problem and i'm saying bad stuff i'm stealing the ball from people like i'm not
playing i'm not stealing like basketball style like i'm taking it you're right yeah you're you
know throwing it over the fence yeah i'm throwing i'm bringing a baseball bat in there i'm not gonna
have it you know you want to kick me off the court for doing that?
Hey, I guess we're not playing fucking basketball anymore.
Look, the problem is that, you know,
if I want to get drunk and harass a bunch of black teenagers,
that's my prerogative as an American.
And if they want to beat the piss out of me
and make a mockery of me in front of my kids,
like, that's when I have to get the police involved.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I know—
Imagine if you were me and you were acting like me as a white guy.
Right, right, right.
Do you think you'd get away with that?
No, I for sure wouldn't.
No, I don't.
But I do think that, you know, as a taxpaying citizen, that I should be able to hang out of my apartment pool and harass children and women.
It's just like if I bring my Bluetooth speaker out there and I want to listen to Brooks and Dunn at the highest volume and I want to throw beer cans at the cool black teenagers playing basketball, that's just kind of like what I'm allowed to do, you know?
And I think a lot of Americans have forgotten what it means to be free.
And that's why we do this show, to remind them, you know,
to remind Americans.
I used to get scared when I'd see pregnant women swimming
because I thought the baby would just swim out.
I thought, like, I thought when a baby was in there
even when it was real little it could just kind of swim around do its thing
yeah I didn't know I thought I thought the pussy canal was always open a little
bit I didn't realize it's pretty small hole actually it's not a very and it's
not a straight shot to the like the uterus is not just like a can-sized hole.
Like a big tube.
You know, like I thought the uterus and the pussy were just in the same area, you know.
Like the same tube, yeah.
I thought the baby was like, I kind of, like maybe if I went down in there and looked, I'd see a finger or something poking out.
I thought it was right on the edge.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And as it turns out,
it was somewhere,
you know,
somewhere else,
wherever,
you know,
it's in their stomach or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would always get scared.
I hate seeing pregnant women.
Honestly,
I hate that shit.
Cause I'm,
I,
you know,
I'm like,
I don't know.
Am I going to accidentally trip them?
You know,
or is it just going to start coming out?
The baby starts coming out, and then I got to take my shirt off
and deliver this baby in the middle of the aquarium.
Yeah, I got to take my pants off and deliver this kid
in the middle of the fucking monkey exhibit.
Yeah, this dumb bitch fucking brought her fetus to the aquarium.
It might start getting ideas.
Seeing all these fishies swimming around thinking,
damn, I'm going to switch out.
Give me some air i uh what the fuck that if you start having a baby around me i'm gonna tell you to put that
motherfucker back because i don't want to see it you better stuff that thing back in that fucking
wet zone you better i know that's i know that's a once in a well once or between one and 50 times
experience i don't want to be a part of that by any means that's why you
got to be in a different fucking you gotta go to your own room of the hospital they give you your
own room from that yeah yeah you got you better you could have a fucking torn off penis you don't
get your own room in the hospital but you're having a fucking baby nobody wants to see that
bullshit yeah you're sitting next to the if you got see that bullshit. Yeah, you're sitting next to the... If you cut your dick off, you're sitting next to the guy with emphysema.
It's fucked up.
Oh, you got cummed in.
You get your own wing?
Get the fuck out of here, dude.
My wife tries to have a fucking baby in the hospital.
I'll be in the other room fucking jacking off with my headphones on.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm eating microwave rice.
I don't give a goddamn about no baby. Keep that shit in there. I'm getting god damn by no baby.
Keep that shit in there.
I think pregnant women
should have to be
pregnant forever
and they should always
have pains from it.
They should always hurt
because of it.
And they never get
to have a baby.
It always gets bigger.
It's like that movie
Titan.
You ever seen that?
Yeah, of course.
It's where the bitch fucks the car. You ever seen that? No. It's like that movie, Titan. You ever seen that? Yeah, of course. It's where the bitch fucks the car.
You ever seen that?
No.
It's a French movie.
Fuck, no, I ain't ever seen that.
This girl fucks a fire truck.
I wish I was making this up.
This one, I'm not making up.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
Whatever.
It's one of those art films.
Oh, okay.
And, like, the bitch fucks a car
and like towards the
you're not gonna watch this shit I didn't want to watch it
in the first place but I just kept watching it
there's like oil
coming out of her and stuff and she
she fucks like
machines
she like
she's like at one point she's like
pretending to be a guy and you're thinking like is's like at one point she's like pretending to be a guy and and you're thinking
like is this like a parallel to to like dysmorphia or something or like or dysphoria the french are
is this like a parallel to like a a real life like transition story or whatever and it's like
showing up and then it's just
she keeps fucking cars and you're like i don't think this is a even about it being trans or
anything this is a bitch who wants to fuck made her or whatever you know the frenchers
are nasty people uh that's the most normal french movie ever
that remember they had that movie last year and it was uh
it was it was it was like a bunch of it was a bunch of white girls getting fucked by a penguin
they had they had that movie rubber and it was a french guy that made it it was about the tire
that went on like a killing rampage or some shit and uh yeah and then like when i was in college everybody watched that movie and that was the
movie you watched in certain circles if you wanted to like get people to think that you were like
that you liked movies like i guess in the generation before mine i guess before yours too
it was like maybe fight club or i don't know like mean streets or i I don't know, like Mean Streets. I don't fucking know. Yeah, yeah. Probably Pulp Fiction or whatever.
Pulp Fiction was huge, though.
Yeah, it was huge.
I think, yeah, it's like, yeah, I don't know if you've heard of Inception.
Yeah, I don't know if you've heard of this band, Imagine Dragons or anything.
They're a pretty underground band.
I was going to say, on the topic of pregnant, I don't know if you've ever done acid or mushrooms and had like a and had like a i knew a
guy who got who tripped too many times and too hard and became super religious and like left
the state to go join some like it was in utah i don't know if i'm sure it was mormon maybe it was
but anyway i remember it's either if it's in utah it's either Mormon or somehow worse. Yeah, like restoration psycho Christian.
Yeah, he didn't fucking become a Buddhist or whatever.
He became some stupid shit.
Because there's those...
Not to discredit it, but I don't care to begin with,
but the guy's like,
yeah, I'm like a Jainist now.
Yeah, yeah.
He's just meditating and like smoking weed
or whatever that's i don't give a fuck about that but anything where it's like yeah my life is more
strict now yeah they have yeah it happened to him and and and i never understood it but there was
one time i i had it wasn't a bad trip it It was just super intense. It may have been two CI.
I don't fucking know,
but I,
and this is going to sound really retarded,
but in my head it was super profound.
And that's just the way acid works sometimes.
Anyway,
I thought I'm going to imagine I'm going to hedge.
I'm going to bet the farm.
It was a good two or three hours.
It felt like that.
I thought way too hard about how a pile of cum becomes a person.
And that spiraled into me being like, dude, I think Jesus is real.
Like I had kind of like a, like a, like a, even though I had taken biology, like I know
kind of on its face how it worked because I'd been through school.
I was in college but I like I got
really really I was really really tripping
hard dude and I was like dude
the stuff that comes out of my
pee pee
the goo
it becomes a guy
you know how to be fucking
you know how to be glooping
it becomes a guy who has to like
go to the store.
Like, do you understand how fucking...
I have this shit in my nutsack.
I have so many guys that could just have to go to the store.
Like, none of them are probably going to be scientists,
and none of them are going to be Hitler.
I'm not really capable of great evil or great goodness.
It's just not
within my genetics i think i'm just capable of mild annoyances and being okay at stuff that's
just me yeah there's there's so many people around now you know there's at least one guy
whose dad actually thought of ava braun right as you busted and obviously you can't tell your kid that well it's like but then you're fucking your hitler
thought kid grows up you know yeah turns out go he could become as a doctor whatever it's like
thank god i didn't tell him i don't i like i remember panicking because i like i was having
like because i never people talk about like graying out on acid like they don't remember
their trips or like they don't remember what their thought process was.
This one I remember pretty vividly.
And I kept having this like loop.
You get stuck in these loops.
And I was like, come is goop.
But if you fuck with it enough, it becomes a guy who who has to go to welding school.
Like it like it's just it's just goop.
It's slime.
And then my brain was like, hey hey you've been wrong about god you've been wrong about god this whole time because how can goop become a guy who
who goes bowling on the weekends and then of course there's a rational part of me that's like
you know like this shit you know how long shit's been fucking like it's evolution like
dogs fuck dogs it's still a normal thought to have i don't think it's like it's not weird
i think it but it's yeah i think i think that is one of the main things about psychedelics is it
makes you you know revisit all those things that you kind of already have established well i think
what is is what is far-fetched about it or in that moment for me was is that i think if i had stayed in that mentality
for like longer than i did i would have become the guy that moved to utah that i knew like if i
had sat in that loop after like in the middle of my whole crisis with that a bunch of people came
over for a party and we ended up playing beer pong and doing coke, and the night went on as it went on.
But I was just sitting on the couch with people,
like my roommates or whatever,
and I was very dangerously close to being like,
I've got to shave my head and move into a community.
I have to make more people.
It's funny.
No, dude, I've had that fucking same thought where you're really high, and you're like, I need to make more people. It's funny. No, dude, I've had that fucking same thought
where you're really high and you're like,
I need to have 25 kids.
Yeah.
You know what I need to fucking do?
I need to spread my seed.
I don't know why.
As a 19-year-old with an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Yeah, dude.
Because I need to start coming in with me i need to start fucking
i need to start fucking busting raw dude dude i like
it yeah it fucking it it was so because because sober me even me on pills me on any other drug pills coke booze fucking benzos ketamine you name it
whatever i was like i don't need to come in anybody i need to leave this shit well enough
alone like i this shit's got to end with me i don't think it's good that i have kids and it's
not in like oh the world is ending way it's just i don't think i'd be a good dad and i don't fucking
know how to take care of anything, and I'm an idiot.
But when I would take acid or even get too stoned, man, like if I just got too high, like smoked too much dope,
I'd be like, dude, the way the world's going, man, I have this ticket.
I have an understanding of the way the world works and the only way to get more people
like that is is that if i get a broodmare if i just join a convent like john and kate plus
eight bitch i guess her name is kate and i just yeah you always fucking have that thought whenever
you own like two pieces of furniture total yeah i had a mini fridge and
like a bed and like a fucking bulletin board yeah i think that was about it i had like two sets of
silverware yeah i had no money my car didn't work i was fucking dead broke all the time and doing
fucking drugs and i was like but i would take one hit of acid uh you know after a particularly
rough week of binge drinking and then like six hours later i'm like the the secret the unknown
told secret of the untold secret here is uh is i have to bust so much and in people and then i have
to make car copies of me and i don't know if there's like uh if that
is like a manifested mental ill i don't think so because normal circumstances i don't like kids and
i don't want to have any but like you've never you've never been like uh you ever get like uh
like you know you're like hypnotized wherever and you're like hypnotized or whatever,
and you're like, you ever have that thought in your brain where you're like,
I'm going to, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to fucking, I'm going to create a child.
And then you have to like, you have to reel it back, and you're like, what?
Yeah.
That wasn't a me thought.
That was a fucking weird evolutionary
yeah thought right there where it's like hey hey you know what you know what i'm about to make a
baby well i think you know i think that's a good point you make there's a fucking there's i hope
you know there may or may not be a tornado nearby, but it's not really my business.
It's a thing.
It happens to the best of us.
I've been getting tornado warnings all day, too.
It might just be the whole fucking story.
Dude, I feel like I...
Is it just...
Yeah, I don't think...
It'll be fine.
It'll be fine.
You make a good point, because it's like like if you're just drunk at a party,
like you're just normal drunk or normal fucked up at that age, you know,
the thought is just, I wonder if I could get pussy today.
Like when you're single and you're like, I wonder if it'll work out for me.
And that is a pretty standard run-of-the-mill thought a single guy has
when he's, you know know really at any age but
particularly like late teens early 20s like i wonder if i can somehow hit it off with somebody
in a certain way that ends with me getting my dick sucked but on acid everything is more profound
so you're like that thought that at that innocent drunken like i wonder if i can get my dick sucked
tonight becomes like you know what i you know what is my biological and spiritual imperative?
To make so many people.
Could you imagine what a fucking offense it was to pull out as a caveman?
You know, your species is like hanging on by a thread and you pull out at the last second.
She's like, what the fuck are you doing? Are you that you were the first guy to ever do that ever it's like yeah you're the
first girl to ever be annoying as it turns out yeah i know this dude this species is so important
to me but at the same time um you know like i got shit going on i love your cave painting tapestry you got here yeah
but you know like a big dog's got things to deal with you know and i got there's this big mammoth
i gotta hunt this this fall and like me and my boys are gonna go hunt that mammoth and i know
i know you know it's like a struggle i out here. Hey, I'm about to become tri.
I know we only live to be like 16 right now, and I know we're both 14.
But, you know, it's like it's hard.
Like I saw a saber-toothed tiger like an hour ago,
and it kind of made my dick like not work that well.
You know, and it's like I'm chewing roots right now for my mood.
I'm chewing on roots and I don't know what they're doing.
And it's like, you, you know, uh, you know, I, I like, I want,
I want to come in and I don't want to pull out, but it's like, you know,
like my ex, my ex cave lady just hit me up through the wall the other day.
She's through a boulder against the side of the cave.
It's got me thinking, you know.
I was like, I've just been fucking listening to like rain, you know,
and like been in my feelings, you know.
Like been listening to like a guy drop a rock over and over.
Just got me in my feelings, man but you're not listening to me
no then next time next time i'll get you pregnant for sure i just i didn't know if you wanted to
babe i wanted to check with you i know consent won't be invented for another like 2 000 years
it's gonna be real rough for y'all for a long time i know you don't know who i am
but and i know you're just glad that i let go of you but i didn't want to
let you know um baby girl my drum safe my safe my drum circle is about to take off like i'm the
best i put the pigskin over the empty piece of wood and i and i thwack on it and do we're everybody
in the fucking goddamn tribe comes and they fucking love to listen to us
and i can't just be having a baby right now we might go on tour we might go 20 yards into the
woods to play for the other fucking tribe that we've been worn with for the last you know 700
years so you know i can't be knocking you up or anything like that. It's to be a distraction from my goals.
Yeah, like, you know, like, the trap is really important to me right now,
and I know, you know, I know you love gathering.
I don't want to take that away from you.
I know you love berries and shit, you know.
Yeah, I know you love gathering.
I don't want you sitting at home while I'm away you stay in cave wife for yeah hunting for cave elk you know yeah um
but yeah yeah i would probably can you imagine being the the i guess i guess guys might not
have thought of blowjobs actually actually. I don't know.
I forget that women have any sexual desires of any kind.
That's so stupid.
Yeah.
I forget they don't just, like, let us do it.
Yeah.
Like, they do, but you know what I mean?
Like, do they ever want to?
They think about it all day sometimes.
Like, the fact that a woman has ever been attracted to me i'm like oh dude i've had that that's that's
cool i guess yeah that's that's cool i don't care uh that's yeah that's good good that's good for
you i don't i never had like like obviously i don't know if this is shocking anybody but a lot
of self-confidence in my life so i'm like like, this is like the first time you find out, like the first dirty text I ever got.
Girl's like, you know, says whatever or whatever.
And I'm like, hold on a second.
You want to come to my house and suck my dick.
There's no way.
You want me to have sex with you?
Yeah.
Like on purpose yeah like like not a weird thing where it's like everybody else gets destroyed every other guy gets killed by a
laser beam and it hurts me but you want to you want to go out of your way to have you want to
you want to sit in traffic to jack me off like that you want me to fucking finger you? It's a whore.
You whore.
Awful.
I did have a little, I think it was a little bit of, like, the church shit that I held on to,
even when I stopped believing in God, because that was such a fucking bizarre,
like, I don't know if it was just being raised religious or, like, in the church,
but, like, the first time in high school when like, yeah, like a girl was like, yeah, like, no, I want to fuck.
Like after, you know, like you just come over to my place.
I was like, you're not allowed to say that.
Like I had that like that thought in my head that just I guess, yeah,
it came from church. I was like, only guys want to fuck.
You guys just kind of, I mean, you're into it.
If a girl wants to have sex she's
just a demon yeah yeah exactly even if you're married that's just yeah why would you want to
even if you're not even if you're married like i have to ask you to suck my dick and you have to
go i don't know yeah it's a it's a it's a sacrifice yeah it's a sacrifice. Yeah. It's a sacrifice.
It makes it sound really bad, but, like, when you're taught about that shit from, like, other church leaders, it's what it is.
Like, you know, like youth group fucking guys or whatever.
It's like, you know, women, you got to be modest.
Guys, I guess you can just try not to jack off too much,
but you need to find a wife soon if you want to fuck.
And you're like, what?
Hold on a second.
I'm trying to learn how to do a kickflip.
I don't know about getting married.
Getting my dick sucked sounds cool.
I just saw it for the first time on a computer,
and the guy seems to really like it, so I'm assuming that it's pretty awesome.
and the guy seems to really like it so i'm assuming that it's pretty awesome yeah i it's it's goofy as shit to to have like to be like an adult man now and you're like
i don't know i didn't have a very sheltered upbringing at all it just was like a you know
like it didn't strike me when i would see it in movies i remember that being weird too
like i would see like i'd be watching a movie or whatever when I was younger,
and a lady would be, like, you know, like, forcefully kissing the guy,
and I'm like, she has stuff to do.
She can't be doing that type of stuff.
She has to go to bed.
She's got to do dishes and go to sleep like this is
she's supposed to be at home crying yeah you're supposed to be making quilts and shit all the
ladies at my church they do quilts so you gotta fucking be doing quilts and shit like you can't
be you can't be hungrily undoing a man's belt buckle in this movie lady you can't
be like she should she should be making a jello salad yeah you gotta be making the fucked up
marshmallow fruit salad for youth group you can't be you can't be with your eyes like bulging out
of your head thinking about cock in this movie like this is i don't i know you're acting lady
but this is too real as and again like the first time you have like a steady girlfriend or whatever
or just like i don't know fuck buddy or whatever and they're like yeah after work you can come over
like we you know trying to get some dick and i'm like don't talk to me like that like i this was a
thing that extended like i honestly was never was never a dirty talk guy through
text or any otherwise just never like it never fucking until you met me
yes true we text each other some really scandalous shit that's for sure
really nasty stuff me and thomas get at we we practice on each other i'm like i'm on the way
home from work and he's like oh that's cool and i'll be like you know you're thinking about you're thinking about getting after it
like i don't know yeah i think i'm gonna fuck i think i'm gonna really do sex all the way to you
yeah dude seriously i know you're exaggerating a little bit but like i would i tried several
times with several different like girlfriends and like flings when I was like in high school or college.
And of course, I don't know what it is about women.
They're the, I don't know, like girls, girls are, I guess, good at, I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
But they're like, they would say something, you know, that was just like, in my mind, I was like, how the fuck did you type this out?
And then I just felt dirty doing it.
But I knew I, it's weird if you don't do it back it's
weirder if you're like yeah she's like i can't wait to get home and fucking throw you know and
you're like yeah that's awesome like that's way weirder than being like yeah i'm gonna yeah if
you had if you had a fucking dick i'd i'd throw it too but you don't um and i wouldn't i'm glad
you have a pussy instead yeah that's what i prefer i prefer
dude the way that when you take your shirt off that your titties are out dude i fucking
think about that stuff sometimes and it kind of plagues every waking moment of my life to be
completely honest with you uh it makes it hard for me to focus at work but um that's that's also
because i have add some of it is definitely your boobs
but a lot of it is mostly that i'm just kind of mentally ill and i don't really have anything
going on in my life um and i do i do a lot of pills so i i guess but yeah you know you want
to i guess come over to my apartment later that's fine we uh you can show me your ass i guess that's cool yeah you can show me your uh
yeah i hope you're clean
uh i hope you don't get stuck in a big uh big sand pit on the way yeah i bet you hey i uh it Hey, I... Even if it was lava, I would still come on you and kill you.
Hey, when you...
Getting like a fucking...
Like a really tasteful, you know, like nude.
Like they're doing the lighting and they're fucking...
Maybe they're in bed and they're doing the thing where they like turn the back and it's like the the ass pick with like you know what i'm saying that angle you know like the twist or
whatever the fucking yeah yeah classic classic and then you're like uh you get that and then
they send the eyeball emojis and then you're like man i can't wait to get off work and uh
fucking look at that in person, I guess.
I don't fucking know, man.
Show me that ass, I guess, brother.
Yeah, I would never,
even though I don't know you that well,
even if you showed up to my house
and I saw you and you were in my house,
I wouldn't kill you.
And most people, I probably would,
but if it was you, because I kind of know you a little bit, I wouldn't kill you and most people I probably would but if it was you because I kind of know
you a little bit I wouldn't hey I don't open up to a lot of people um but like you sent me a picture
of your ass cheeks I just feel like we've known each other a long time um like first of all I
can't wait to um have to see to see that second of all, I think about hurting people like most of the day.
Damn, girl, you look like my old probation officer.
Damn, girl, you built like my lunch lady.
You look like Jar Jar Binks, bitch, and I'm trying to get me some of that.
Thanks, whore.
Yeah, dude. some of that uh thanks whore um yeah dude it was tough navigating being being a young man
navigating all those the many sexual relationships we both had too many to count really i i here's
thousands probably it's probably 10 probably 70 000 i000. I think that the vast majority of it was just like basically what we're talking about,
where a girl is like, I guess this guy's attractive or whatever.
Let me see how much energy I can put into this.
And then getting absolutely none for me.
And it's not just because I didn't
know how to like be like a passionate person or whatever or romantic it's also just because like
that's that was just like I guess like how I was just like hey you know like I show up to a date
in the same jeans I've been wearing for like 10 days and they're covering like guacamole
and like fucking chip dust and shit and cigarette ash and then i got a
nice dress on and shit and they're like i'm like oh what's up like what's the plan it's like oh we
got dinner i don't think you can wear those jeans and i'm like well all these are the only jeans
these are the only pants i have you know what i mean like i'm not really typically particularly
invested in how this evening goes i I mostly just want to go home.
Can I let you handle this for a few minutes?
Apparently we have like 80 mile per hour gusts of wind.
I've got to move a few plants.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
You know, when Thomas goes away, it's pretty standard for me to start giving out relationship and dating and sex advice.
So if you're a single man and you're out there,
make sure you got your pen and notepad ready.
The previous advice that I gave, if you're a recent listener,
we'll do a little recap.
If you're a young man and you're listening to the show
and you exist in the world of social media,
you exist in these Instagram success mind,
the Andrew Tates, the fucking Jockos,
all that stuff, all these guys.
You could throw all that shit in the trash.
Jordan Peterson, you can go fuck yourself
and you can suck my dick from scratch.
You really only need like two or three things
to like be a functioning guy who can win the approval of the Ferris X.
Just have one nice shirt.
That's step one.
If you have a lot of gaming shirts, if you have a lot of like just kind of hand me down old T-shirts.
Hey, that shit's awesome.
I have a bunch of those too just
shit from the thrift store that's fine go out and get you uh like one nice button up uh that that
fits you good uh and then uh get like a fucking you can get a cologne from the gas station you
don't have to go to the mall or go online and look up sense okay you just go get something something in the
little glass case by the cigarettes that says like night tiger or like you know lebanese
fucking leopard any of that shit's fine doesn't really it doesn't matter um
uh if you're if you're of a certain age and you're like, ah, I sleep on the floor, my bed's on the floor, man,
my job, you know, I'll never impress,
it's not about impressing anybody.
First, you gotta learn to love yourself.
Here's a little factoid.
When you're broke and you got nothing,
that's when you are at your most fucking virile.
You know what I'm saying?
You're a hungry lion in the woods.
So, and fucking other guys.
Competitors.
You know, now we're getting into evolutionary psychology.
A really rock solid science.
Other male competitors can sense that.
And so, they know that you're fucking.
Thomas, what the fuck are you doing, man?
Thomas, stop.
It sounded like you were fucking busting, dude.
What?
It sounded like from the...
Jesus Christ.
How bad is it?
What do you know? It's raining out there.
Is it bad out there? Well, you know? It's raining out there. Is it bad out there?
Wow.
Well, I put a bunch of plants out there because all I saw was a bunch of rain was coming.
I said, oh, nice.
It would be nice for them to get some rain.
But as it turns out, in addition to rain, severe thunderstorms were coming.
Mm-hmm.
Who would have known?
It was pretty gnarly.
With hurricane force winds.
Mm.
I was watching my neighbor's tree.
It's moving a little bit more than a tree typically does.
And I said, hey, that looks wacky.
That looks ajar, you know?
Yeah.
There's something peculiar about this right right
so i go out there i take a look around i'm under the porch i say oh it's barely coming down cool
start working my way around to the backyard hey
only water pretty much all i'm seeing is just a lake back in terms of my eye line no it's not a
lake back there i'm in terms of how fast it's coming down yeah yeah really misjudged really not my best not my best work there in terms of
assessing the situation um so at this point oh god yeah pretty much soaked in water and that's okay
yeah that's fine it happens from time to time um it's Yeah. Who gives a fuck what happens?
That's really.
I think you and I.
It's funny to say stuff like that.
But I think that is a really, really, really, really valuable way to look at life.
I think if you could start there.
You walked away. So I was giving out it was jake's
advice hour last time you bailed uh you had to bail i was i just uh i did my two rules for life
you know have a nice button-up shirt and what did you say i think you came up with one of the rules
it was lay demon demon yeah yeah yeah i think if you start with who gives a fuck what happens to
me everything else is a blessing even the bad shit you know if you just with who gives a fuck what happens to me, everything else is a blessing, even the bad shit.
If you just start at the base level of, I don't give a fuck.
This physical body is merely a vessel.
I can torture it if I want.
I can lay in waste forever.
Whether you're a white guy, Latino, Asian, a black guy.
I guess you can even be a woman.
Are Filipinos Asian?
Yeah.
Is there a type of Asian?
Because I think they got colonized at one point by the Spanish.
Or they stopped.
I think the Spanish stopped by.
So you'll go down there.
Yeah, but it's still, I think, predominantly Asian influence.
I mean, that's where it is southeast asia for sure yeah yeah but there's still uh i mean i suppose the filipino guy
could tell you better than i could yeah i mean they're but it's like their cuisine is very
spanish influence they got names down there like lopez and flores and fucking yeah but we i mean
you know we have white guys named lopez and flores and fucking yeah but we i mean you know we have white guys named lopez
and flores that's super true man you really are onto something we've got black guys named lopez
and flores what now we got latino is a mindset it's not that is so true man i i don't i think
me and you really embody the latino you know how some white guys can get the N-word pass?
I feel like we can. Yeah, we can't.
No.
Well, I mean.
And we don't even want it.
I do.
I think if I could get it, I think more than any goal of mine,
it's to have a universal one, you know,
just to be able to have the soft A pass, I think.
Like if you could get think I've accepted my role
as a white man
I have too brother but here's the thing man
come on dude
you know how when guys go to war
I can't even think of how I'd use it
when guys go to war
they get the battle badge
or whatever the fuck they call it
and it's a sign of honor
to see that a guy went to war to like shoot in the badge or whatever the fuck they call it and it's a sign of honor to see that a
guy went to war to like shoot in the desert or whatever or the jungle wherever the fuck
imagine if you did so many like cool things in your life that you were awarded the badge
that you could say it you could get you get one, though. I don't want to abuse it.
I don't want to get crazy now.
But I'm saying, you know, one a month.
Really? You don't?
Yeah, I don't.
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, I think, you know,
there's so many problems with race in the world nowadays you know and i'd love to get more into that let's let's hear i really don't have time you know because there's you know
the weather and all that yeah yeah i'd love to i wish i could talk more in detail about
my views on things and i would because i i have a lot of opinions
i have a lot of opinions for sure i have so many views you know and i have like a lot of well-formed
and articulated ideas about how the world works i gotta say man i don't know i think it's the last
few years but i found myself really, like, genuinely not.
It's not that I don't care about stuff.
It's that my brain just doesn't form.
There are things that I just can't make myself form an opinion on.
For sure.
Not because I want to learn more, and it's not necessarily that I.
I think it is partially that I don't care right but also it's
like sometimes it's like oh that's important yeah that's that's probably somebody else's job well i
think me and you being like on the computer too much especially lately like in the last few years
like things are presented to you in as in such a way where you are immediately obligated to have
a well-formed opinion on
it.
And if you don't, you're somehow either A, misinformed, B, uninformed, or C, like cynical
and apathetic.
A good example of this, like of recent memory, is the outrage at like drag reading hour.
Like conservatives are like,
fuck, guys dressing up like girls
and they have big fake titties out
and are covering makeup
and they're reading books to children.
Can you believe this?
And then on the other side of it,
it's like, who cares?
You should let them do that
because it's fun
and it's a fun time for children.
Me, I see that shit and i see that art like those
that sort of discourse play out on the internet and i'm like who gives a fuck like who gives a
shit i don't really have an opinion on that uh and who gives a fuck is not me trying to be like
oh who cares i genuinely don't know why this is... Who gives a fuck about this?
But people are like, you have to have an opinion on this.
Somebody hates story time.
I have trauma from story time, so I hate it.
The fucking train derailment.
The fucking infrastructure, right?
I don't know.
You don't know about infrastructure either, dude.
You're full of fucking shit.
You can complain about stuff, for sure.
You can say this place fucking sucks and shit's dog shit
and it's probably never going to get any better.
And you're probably fucking right because that's just the way shit goes.
It's the way it's gone forever.
But if you expect fucking me or really anybody,
it's like, hey, this thing just happened 45 seconds ago.
Do you have a well-formed and well-researched opinion on it?
If you don't, you're an asshole.
No, I don't.
You know why?
Because I'm busy.
I'm busy stacking my fucking cheddar, dude,
and turning my body into a fucking weapon.
Do you understand me?
Like, I don't have time to fucking sit and read replies
and PDFs and fucking Washington Post
and be like, actually, it's fucking bad that uh kids are getting
read to by drag queens you know what i think kids should be uh you know thrown off the cliff into
the ocean that's that's how i you should just we should all walk hand in hand into fucking extinction
i suppose yeah first off since when can can kids even read exactly i couldn't
read until like fucking a year ago i couldn't we had stuff in the water kept us from doing yeah
and second of all if you are a guy you want to dress up like like you want to put makeup on and
cake that shit on and you want to get big old fake rubber titties um and you want to read fucking
how now brown cow and goddamn one fish two, whatever the fuck to a bunch of kids, literally no skin off my ass.
Don't give a fuck.
People are like, well, what if it was your kid?
I'm not going to have any fucking kids.
And if I do, I don't fucking know, man.
It probably, you know, they'd be at school and they'd be like, hey, dad,
a weird person came to school.
And I'm like, did they shoot it?
And he's going to be like, no.
And I'm like, I don't care then.
That's fine with me.
As long as nobody's killing you and your teachers, I don't care.
And they're going to be like, well, it was this lady.
I think it was a lady.
And she had on a lot of makeup like mommy.
And she read a book to me.
And she had on a dress.
But she was tall.
And she had a jaw like fucking Gronkowski.
And I'm'm gonna be like
oh that's awesome man did anything else
happen and he's gonna say no
and I'm gonna say okay then who gives
you shit and then he's
gonna say
daddy Jake I found
a mysterious key
what do you say
in response to that I say son
that key has belonged to the family for 380 years, for generations.
And that key leads to a door, a doorway that when you're older that I'll let you walk through.
But know, my son, that once you do, you can never unknow what exists in the room.
But Papa Jake, I want to see where this key leads to with the
locked door listen my son uh by the way your son uh can only use google translation speak
my son is he has to translate he speaks cantonese from english english to cantonese and back yeah
exactly listen son listen my my Cantonese son.
I think that's just a language I do not think is the type of guy.
I'm not 100% sure on that. But listen, when you become of age, when you become a man, we can see what's behind the door.
This is a rite of passage for everyone in the Rhodes family.
This is a rite of passage for everyone in the Rhodes family.
You find the key, but you have to wait many moons around the earth before you can find what lies behind the door.
And so impatience may feel like an eternity,
but the reward will make it all the more worth it, my Cantonese son.
Papa Jake,
but where does this mysterious
key lead to?
The mysterious
key leads to a door.
And what lies behind that door will
change your life as it changed mine
and your grandfather's and your great-grandfather's
and your great-great-grandfather's and your
great-great-great-grandfathers all the way back to
Antebellum
slave era
Mississippi
Is around about where our bloodline started before that they were inbreeding in the UK and
And then before that I guess inbreeding
I guess somewhere in Switzerland.
But listen, son, all the inbreeding aside, what lies behind that door is something that's difficult for a young mind to comprehend.
And so, you know, it's time for Betty by bug time.
But I promise you, now you know about the key.
That's step one.
Step two will come later where.
Yes, Papa.
Thank you, my son.
Thank you for understanding your brother, stupid useless indian brother that that had to use google translate
as well um and not an an indian um from here not you know
he tried to open the door too early. You know what happened to him?
No, Papa.
He exploded.
Legitimately, spontaneously combusted.
Before he died, he said, I should not have opened this door.
Fuck, that's really fucking, that sucks.
And then he fucking exploded and your mom had to clean him up wow papa yeah
so but papa i found a mysterious key and i wonder what with it would lead
where with the door it would lead to using the key and the door. The door itself is merely a symbol.
What lies behind it is what is important.
I can give you a hint.
It's very stinky.
And that's basically all you're going to get.
And it's time for you to close your little Cantonese mind
and
but Papa
what is
where is what is a
hint a hint is
a partial
Papa what is
a hint
a hint is a
partial revealing of something that is true.
But, Papa, I found a key.
I think it may be a key to the hint.
How old are you, son?
Papa, 29. Papa 29 I guess you know what
I thought this whole
Papa
I wear
I'm wearing two
I am wearing two
Papa
I am wearing two pairs of pants
This whole time
My son
I thought you were merely eight
I guess we can show you Papa That is pairs of pants. This whole time, my son, I thought you were merely eight.
I guess we can show you... Papa, that is
because I resemble...
Papa, that is because I resemble my
Cantonese side more. We look
younger.
Thanks to our hint.
And I have found a mysterious key that leads
to a mysterious door, Papa.
Right, my son.
I understand.
Listen.
Papa Jake.
Hello.
Hello, my son.
Hello, my son.
Hello, my sweet Cantonese two-pants-wearing 29-year-old son.
Hello, Papa.
Hi, son.
We can...
I guess...
Give me the key.
I'll take you to the door.
But you must listen to a story on the way. But, Papa. Papa., give me the key. I'll take you to the door. But you must listen to a story on the way.
But, Papa, I found a key.
I think it may lead to a human door.
Right, right.
I understand that sometimes Google Translate can can cause repetitive sentences especially
in languages that have no relation to one another so i understand your impatience is not actually
impatience but merely a lack of the ability to communicate with your father so here's what we'll
do just follow behind me and i will tell you the story of the key papa we are like Chinese dragons.
1400 years ago,
your
ancestor,
Marvin,
he was an
explorer
from
what is now
Kansas.
He took a long boat ride to China.
And on the way there,
he met another man named Smelvin.
And Smelvin had a key.
And Marvin was like,
hey man, it's a pretty sick fucking key.
Where do you get something like that?
And Smelvin was like, oh, I'm a Chinese shaman type guy,
and I can show you where the key goes, but you can't tell anybody.
So Marvin was like, okay, sounds good.
Melvin.
And so they get to China.
Okay, are you listening, son?
Yes, papa.
Okay.
And I found a key.
So they land in Hong Kong, China,
and they go to get some Chinese food first.
And they're like, all right, what's up with this key?
And Melvin's like, so there's a cave in Sichuan province,
and in that cave is a door,
and behind that door is the solution to all your problems.
Son, are you looking at your phone while your father's talking?
No, Papa.
I am looking at a key.
Papa, I have found a key and I am looking at it.
Now.
Cantonese key.
Your ancestor goes to the cave with Smelvin,
and he sees a big golden door 30 feet high.
And in front of it, there's a big bear guarding it.
And Smelvin says to our ancestor,
Marvin, you have to fight the bear to get it to the key.
So Marvin walks up to the bear and kicks it in the nuts,
and the bear dies immediately.
And... Wow. Our ancestors were super strong.
Mostly due to
the inbreeding.
He takes the key
from Smell of it and Smell of it says, once you open the door,
you can't close it.
And Marvin's like, oh, you fucking
Chinese wizard. Our
ancestors were super racist.
He called them a bunch of names that we won't repeat
because you know your mom doesn't like this.
Oh, no.
No.
He's like, you fucking Chinese loser.
You know, fucking stupid ass, dummy pig shit fucking animal.
And, you know, Smelvin was like,
that really hurts my feelings, man.
I wish you wouldn't talk to me that way.
And Marvin was like, oh, oh man I'm really sorry and then they had sex
in the cave before they opened the door
um which is
is fine you know um
I don't agree with homosexuality
we don't raise you to be that way but
um you know this is just
this is just the story that I was told
from your grandfather anyway
after the after thank you son This is just the story that I was told from your grandfather. Anyway, after...
Thank you, son.
I really appreciate that.
That was my song for you, father.
Thank you.
That was a beautiful song.
After Smelvin and our ancestor fucked each other out in the cave like wild beasts,
they opened the door, and it creaked long.
And a bunch of bats flew out.
And our ancestor was very scared.
Smellman said, hey, you need to chill out.
It's not that big of a deal.
And our ancestor was like, dude, there's a bunch of fucking bats in here,
and I don't think the rabies vaccine has been invented yet,
and I don't even know what rabies is but I'm pretty sure that it's bad
Smelvin's like hey
thanks for sucking my dick earlier Marvin was like
I appreciate that's fine
and they go in
through the cave and they see
they spot one torch lamp
and Smelvin
goes we need this to see
it's a long corridor to get to what lies beyond.
Marvin's like,
all right, man,
well, we've been walking for like 16 fucking days,
and my feet hurt,
and my ass hurts,
and, you know,
I really just kind of want to get to this,
and Smelvin's like,
well, you know,
it's not the journey,
it's the destination,
or whatever the fuck,
and Marvin's like,
I think that phrase is actually the other way around.
Smelvin and Marvin fuck fuck again um wow papa and uh and then they take a nap and then they wake up and they're like all right well we gotta get walking so we're walking along and they
see uh cave etchings of of strange creatures you know engaged in combat engaged in intercourse uh engaged uh in making uh their
different um meals these were old humans right these are human human prototypes lost to time
these are these are from the way beyond you know hundreds of millions of years ago when the earth
was just barely a jungle a mere glint you know dinosaurs
roamed the earth and our ancestors like hey what the fuck is that and points to a cave drawing and
smell one's like oh that's a mistress shrunker uh it's like a big lizard um that uh ate a bunch
of fermented fruit and became like a god to a tribe of weird pygmy people or whatever and he
was like oh that's pretty fucking sick um hey would you want to have sex again and then they
fuck again in the cave um and then they walk for about two weeks and they get to the mouth of a
second cave it's melvin turns to our ancestor and says okay marvin uh it's been a really cool
fucking trip uh you seem like a pretty decent guy uh And I'm going to give you this key, and you can never lose it.
You must pass it on to your sons only, not your daughters.
If you have daughters, just neglect them completely.
You have to be an absent father to the women that you and your wife produce.
Please do not even talk to them.
Don't go to their dance recitals or anything like that.
If they get into pop music and they want to be a singer, tell them no.
It's ugly.
That they're ugly.
Say stuff like that to them.
And then that'll maybe fuck them up just enough to where they can get into being a female comic.
And maybe they can do Las Vegas shows and stuff.
And Marvin's like, okay, cool.
Only the sons and then emotionally neglect my my other children okay sounds good so melvin's like all right you're ready smell you're ready marvin smell
and he's like yeah i'm ready let's go so they take in the lamp and they in the cave starts to
stink you remember how i said the door's stinky yes papa and uh they go all the way
to the back
of the cave
and on the cave
is a pedestal
and in that pedestal
on that pedestal
is a big stinky
book
are you looking
at your phone again
while your father's
talking
no papa
I was preparing
a message for you
Smelvin says open the book would you like to hear something beautiful in Chinese in Cantonese a message for you.
Smelvin says,
open the book.
Would you like to hear something beautiful
in Chinese and Cantonese?
Yeah, let's hear it, brother.
Jake calls in false reports
to the fire department
so he can sneak in
while they are gone
and molest the Dalmatians.
Oh, no, Papa.
I meant to tell you
that in Cantonese.
Jake
That is my message for you, Papa.
Thank you, son. Thank you. I really
appreciate that. That newfangled new
technology that you guys have is so amazing well i don't yes papa we ripped it off of steven hawking's
neck just so we can learn another language lazily your industrious young mind is so impressive the
way that you can that you young that you young boys that i've produced i've
produced so many boys um and you are the strongest among them i can't wait to see what you accomplish
in life as a 29 year old cantonese man boy that wears two pairs of pants and has to talk through
a computer so yes papa my jeans are thick and double so they open the book and it is a list of names.
Marvin's like,
what the fuck is this?
This is,
why'd you bring me in here?
This is like a guest book.
And,
Smelvin says,
that is the secret.
And Marvin's like,
care to explain?
And Smelvin says,
goodbye.