Pendejo Time - the randy test

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

question one: could you love a fat bald white man who's mother tells her friends he died? question two: do you think it's sexy that I always have film around my mouth? Support the Show.

She let me, she let me show it to her. She let me show it to her uncle. Hey, what's up? How's it going, everybody? Welcome to another awesome episode of Pendeo Time, the Wednesday episode. That's not how I want to do our intros anymore. I kind of had some. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, it's just kind of not how I want to do things.

No, I get it. What were you thinking? I start off on a note like that where you're just acting like we're some kind of shock jock, you know? And I'm here to inform people and show them how to live their lives in a good way and help other people. And you come on talking about showing it to a girl's uncle. You know, that really, that doesn't really tickle my ivories. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I want to make sure that everybody has their ivories tickled properly.

Yeah, it just really makes me angry when I hear stuff like that. And I tried to get us, you know, I wrote that nature documentary for us. I thought we were going to do that. We were supposed to go to South America this summer and that fell through because your visa expired, you know? Yeah. But I don't know.

I just think, I think for this show to move in the direction we want it to, this needs to be about what we first started this show for, and that's teaching people about science. Yeah, definitely the first six months of this show, we were very informative, for sure. I think back on all of the... How much I remember of the first five or six months of this show.

And I remember most of it, if I'm being completely honest. I remember so much of it that I don't even think it's worth. I just remember all the studying we had to do for it. All the classes on audio technology we had to take. Yeah. All the classes on audio technology we had to take. Yeah. I really appreciate everyone bullying me into getting better at stuff because I don't think I would have.

I'm very much sort of like a negative reinforcement type of animal. Yeah. If you tell me good job, I'm going to be like, oh, shit, I'm solid, man. You kind of have to, you know. I say to the haters, kick rocks, but really the haters are my greatest motivators. tell me good job i'm gonna be like oh shit i'm solid man you kind of have to you know i i i say the haters i say to the haters kick rocks but really your haters the haters are my greatest motivators yeah my haters are the waiters at the table of success when i feast on my goals and my dreams and the and the fruits of my labor the my haters are my waiters and they bring me fresh and juicy mangoes.

Yeah, that's what you order at restaurants. You eat at the fucking orangutan restaurant. I like to order the most sexual fruit that you can get, the kind that you have to eat in a very gay way. to eat in a very gay way. So, mangoes and bananas and

what other kinds of fruit are there? Coconut. Pomegranate is kind of a gay fruit because you have to pick at it. You can't just bite into it. The most manly fruit is the apple. The classic and humble apple. I feel like the pomegranate is like the woman. You know? Well, it's a feminine you have to you sometimes you gotta uh sometimes you gotta put

the balls in your mouth you know yeah yeah okay um the juice yeah to get the yeah get the pit yeah i think that's very manly uh no i think the most the gayest fruit let's say gayest fruit maybe grapes grapes to me are kind of bananas played out i think it might be grapes well so the thing about grapes to me is it's not so much a gay fruit as an eccentric fruit it's like you're like a greek you know like sort of like ossified type politician. Like you don't have a role, but you're very powerful. So you just, you're just there. You're a part of an institution and then all the concubines feed you grapes. Which is, you know, which is pretty kick ass.

I, I'd like to think, I don't have any Greek blood in me, but I like to think that one of my ancestors did that. And I actually know, I think if I go back, I can't go any Greek blood in me, but I like to think that one of my ancestors did that. Actually, no. I think if I go back, I can't go back that far. I don't think anyone can. Greek blood is just cholesterol, right? Yeah, it's like oil. It's kind of like a sheen to it.

I think if I went back 1,000 years, I think most of the people that the people that I, that were, like, my great, super great grandfathers were probably just, like, dying in mud. If I went back a thousand years, I'd be so young, I'd be crapping my diaper. Okay, okay, that's cool. I'd be less than a baby a negative baby nah what if you what if you were at a work party and um and your co-worker who was the same race as you came over to you and said oh this is my baby he's negative one like he's just your buddy comes over to you just holding a handful of his own nut he's like you gotta meet my son man

yeah he's negative he's negative one and a half don't you like him it's like the shadow of a baby looking at you it's just this like dark energy, sort of amorphous blob in his hand. Yo, but Loki, would you call Cap? Would you call Cap on negative one baby? This is my son X Mantheus. He's negative

410. He's sort of a glowing black orb of dark sinister energy. He's walking now. It's crazy. You know, they start off as just sort of pinpoints of nothingness and then they grow into be

you know, these force fields of pain and suffering. Happy anniversary, babe. Can't believe we've been together negative five years. You go up to a random woman. You don't know. Happy anniversary.

Happy negative 12th anniversary. Can you believe 12 years from now we'll start dating, babe? Oh my god. It's negative one years from our first breakup. I'm so sad. Can you hug me? It's negative two years. What are you getting a prescription for?

Is it for a period? Do you have menstrual cramps? Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. If I had menstrual cramps, I'd be too weak for them. I'd probably die from them. But you're so strong with your awful bloody vagina. I bet you cramp so bad. I bet you cramp so bad it makes your boobs shake or something god i can't believe

i can't believe we've been together negative 50 years gosh that's almost a lifetime i feel like i've known you not at all and i can't wait until we go on our first date 22 years from now i feel very special god i feel like i've known you negative 100 years i feel so separate from you i feel i feel like i feel so distant from you like we are never supposed to speak to one another this is something really this is my negative two hours anniversary of me losing my virginity with you he's like what does that mean you're like you'll find out in two hours it's quite it's it's very it's quite simple really um i i wouldn't

think about it too much that's honestly you know any guys on the apps that's not a bad pickup line it's actually a terrible pickup line happy happy happy negative five years divorce anniversary. Happy negative 30 minutes anniversary. I'm coming to your house. I'm on the way. You'd be surprised how easy it is to find out where people live. They have a geolocator thing built into this app. You just got to tweak it a little bit on the back end. Happy negative 40th anniversary of you getting my social security after I pass away.

Anniversary of you getting my social security after I pass away. Happy negative 11th anniversary of me meeting your dad and we get into a fist fight in the front yard. Happy negative 25th anniversary of our first son graduating high school a few years before he passes away. I hate to be the one to tell you. Hey, I know we've never met. Your son with me will pass away. I know we've never met,

but in about 22 years, our son will die tragically. You're just shaking a waitress at Twin Peaks. I'm so sorry to tell you. Someday you're going to have a baby with me and it's going tragically. You're just shaking a waitress at Twin Peaks. I'm so sorry to tell you. Someday you're going to have a baby with me and it's going to die. You're going to love him a lot.

He's going to change your life. It's going to make us grow apart. Yeah, honestly, it's what ends to the best. Because he looks just like me and every time you look at me, you think of him. You think that he's not here anymore, and the only thing that's left of him is a shell of him, this drunken, pilled-out shell that refuses to leave the house. He's gained 80 pounds.

You see what could have been, and then you just see this husk. Anyway, I will take an extra side of blue cheese. And also, whenever we get married my penis gets bigger because as an aside I don't want you to think too much about the dead child aspect of this right now I have a very

small penis but once we get married it does become three and a half inches bigger I'm not going to get hard until we get married but I will have sex with you before but just trust me I'm going to stop having erectile dysfunction as soon as we get married. Yes, I will do my best. I do plan as soon as we get married, I will be performing in bed very well. But I'm going to save my best for last, you know what I mean?

I'm going to fuck you really good and then I'm going to divorce you. That's basically what I mean I'm gonna fuck you really good And then I'm gonna divorce you That's basically what I'm saying Well no I mean You know you can't have your cake And then have some You can't have your You can't buy some cake And eat it later

You know So you guys So So just another Coors Banquet then Like I don't make it actually

make it two and have one for yourself drink a course banquet on the job please make it make it 51 and have one for yourself and drink it in the walk-in

for me and think about me when you drink it I will have 50 of them this is such a crazy request but next time you work, could you come in and not brush your teeth? It's like an inside joke we'll have in like five years.

Yeah. Could you come in and you could wear your, your, your Sophie booty shorts inside out and, and then it'll be something that I tease you about. Oh my gosh. You wore those really high socks. Those socks, our dog in five years is going to eat those socks

and it's going to be so funny. That is so scary. That's so scary, dude. I'm thinking in my head, like head like oh that would be like a funny that'd be a funny like maybe a text message pickup line but not in person you can't even on a first date like you like somebody agrees to go out with you and you're like this is technically our negative fifth anniversary um because we're going to be dating for one year five years from now like What does that mean?

What are the circumstances that lead? It's so funny you have a green car. That's going to be our son's favorite color. Yeah. He's not going to know how to read too good. You're going to drink a lot during the pregnancy. I'm a real piece of shit. I'm not going to make it easy on you at all to carry that child determined well what

i'm so basically what happens is you get pregnant and i i just like i don't support you like at all it's like my own hero's journey i go on where i have to find myself for the exact amount of time it takes you to give birth to a child so like nine months or so and then i come back to the hospital and you're so excited to see me that you named the son after me and then that sort of gives me the dopamine hit i need to leave again yeah another you know and also right before we get together my i changed my name to bombious so that the son can be named that yes uh i so what sorry what's your last name um it's it's mitchell right so bombius mitchell will be uh he he will be honestly he won't amount to much the name bombius really sets him up for

failure the kids bully him relentlessly um very violently and uh and bombius has a pretty bad life. Even though he's named after a Greek guy made up who made bombs. He's named after a character from his father's novel. Right. Bombius, Attack on the Bomb City. Bombius. Bombius, Attack of the Bomb City. Bombius. Bombius, Attack of the Bomb Clone. Right. So I'm an author.

I'm an action erotica author, and Bombius is the main character in my series, Greek Sexual Nightmare. There's about 52 of them. I self-published the Greek Sexual Nightmare on Amazon Books. And Bombius, over the course of 52 books, as his name suggests, he's a great bomb maker. He's the best bomb maker in Greece. And that gets him so much pussy that he has a bunch of illegitimate children. And they're all named Bombius. has a bunch of illegitimate children and they're all named bombious so many in fact uh that like half of an island off the coast of greece is out of all of the names are bombious

even the girls yeah and and it's named islands named after him it's named bombious because of him bombious island yeah yeah um my favorite what's your favorite book in the the greek sexual nightmare series um i haven't read any of your books i'm sorry um that's so stupid of you that's so foolish you'll learn that's so foolish of you you know on our 10th or whatever anniversary

you're gonna say god I'm so glad that you introduced me to Bombius various capers and mysteries I think you should probably start

probably the lightest reading you should start with is um Greek sexual nightmare 10 Bombius' big adventure

yes and you work backwards. Right. In that one, he gets in trouble at school for... It's grown-up school. And he gets in trouble at grown-up Greek school

for eating all the dolma, which is a Greek food. And as punishment for doing that, he has to have sex with the most beautiful statue in all of Greek. Yeah, it's... Yeah, this is sort of my life's work, so the fact that you haven't read it before we met is like kind of a red flag. But I'm willing to look past it because you're very beautiful.

And I always knew I would meet my wife at the Twin Peaks in San Marcos, Texas. It's just kind of a prophecy that I had. When I was writing the 48th Bombius book this Greek sexual nightmare of 48 Bombius's genocide he met his wife at Twin Peaks and that sort of came to me in a dream

like a muse you know so I am mad at you for not having read all the Greek sexual nightmares before you met me on accident and I will resent you for that and I will slash your sexual nightmares before you met me on accident and I will resent you for that and I will slash your tires when I leave here but that's going to be a joke that we have. You know

we're married 16 years on our 16th wedding anniversary. This reminds me of a bombious quote actually. Oh yes. She who not readeth among the scholars of all the Grecian lands will suffer greatly in the big, strong, oily, sexual Grecian hands. Yes.

Yeah, that's, I think, God, who was it that said, pedophilines said that. Yes, pedophilines. Pedophilines, the elder, he had a pet there was a pedophilines the younger but he didn't live too long and so they they just made pedophilines too hypocritical yeah well right he you know it wasn't it wasn't meant to last with pedophilines the younger yeah so they just had to find an old greek guy that was a weirdo and they just named him pedophilines the elder and they said you can uh you can have the title now. You just have to write in King James English for some odd reason

so guys in college can quote you later when they PR on bench press or something. Yeah. You know, there's a good quote from the Greek philosopher known as Borbus. And he said, he who is not walking with at least five other wise men at any given time in Greece, which is where we are from. He will fall to the shadow of the great mastiffs of the armies of Troy and he who is wearing the

scarlet robe of the Roman guard will fall prey to the mighty blue armor of the Spartan Legion. Got you. So.

Yeah, that's the thing about. That's the thing about Borbis. You take what he says and you put it, you kind of have to apply, you have to really understand applied philosophy. And you have to understand historical context because what was happening at Borbis' time was just, it was so chaotic, you know. and I really like, what I like about Borbis is that he was prescient enough to know of the Spartans, the Romans, and also him being Greek, that he just kind of threw all into one. And he knew about Troy and all the other parts of history as well. Yeah, he had a poem about Nebraska too.

It's crazy. He was sort of like a soothsayer, like a future tailor, you know? Yeah. I liked it. What's your favorite quote? From Borbos? In general, I guess. My favorite quote in general.

Is he who walketh to the great market with coin in hand and bravery in heart to purchase a sweet nectar beverage to sip on the way home? Wow. It's a simple one. i love going to the store and so i really i think and that was from um that was from chevron the wise that's beautiful right and uh and a lot of people attribute that to to um valero the wicked but the the problem is that they lived in the same village and they wrote at the same time, but he didn't say that. Knowing, having a master's in philosophy,

that's one thing I learned, is a lot of times those guys were neighbors and they didn't get along. And they wrote a lot of the same stuff, though. Yeah. I actually read a quote recently that really inspired me if you don't mind me sharing it i've you know what i would love for you to share it he who no get job sit on couch all day long never working always watch television tv too loud all day long sitting down clothes dirty

shoes stinky eating take out all day never getting a job he is lazy, bum, very bad man, needs to get a job, get out of here. Get out of here. Get him out of my house. Was that Rupi Kaur who wrote that? No, that was Confucius. Oh, okay. He delivered it a little bit differently, but I try and deliver it in my own way. But he was actually my father-in-law in a past life.

Oh, confuses. Yeah, he was called that because he could only speak in Chinese, and it was so fucked up the way it sounded to everybody. It's just a part of history yeah yeah you know that uh that's so true about about ancient Chinese philosopher

Confucius because he he just no one could understand him they just there's all chinese yeah no one could figure out what he was saying and it took thousands of years and a bunch of english american scholars to finally decipher his great wisdom you know at the time everybody was like what the fuck are you saying, dude? They were like, Confucius, shut the fuck up. He was like,

nobody knew. Nobody knew what was going on. Everybody in ancient China around that time spoke like Yiddish or something. It was English. The whole world spoke English and then

things got fucked up along the way. Yeah. Well, you know The Tower of Babel. Everybody spoke American English up until that point. They were saying, hey, we gotta build this tower. You know? they were saying hey we got to build this tower you know they were

saying god damn i've been working fucking 60 hours a week building this tower of babel and i'm fucking i can't wait till we go up but honestly i'm ready to fucking get this shit higher than god just so i can go home jack off my old lady's been up my ass she's saying what are y'all even building out there i said baby an abomination. We're building it for God, but he's not going to be too happy about it. I do. I mean, I think it's going to mess everything up. Because right now we all talk like this in ancient China.

And I said, you know, it's fine. It's not a big deal. You know, they built one of them towers of Babel out there in them deserts. And, you know, they built it for God. She said, I need you to come home and I need you to watch these kids so I can go play my bingo on my girl's night. And I fucking killed her, you know, because it's 3200 BC. You can sort of

do shit like that. Yeah, this Tower of Babel, it's putting, you know, Lord willing, we'll finish her. God forbid something happened to my tower. Yeah, I probably would have just... I probably would have just acted like I could understand everybody if I was there. Everybody starts running around like crazy, speaking different languages.

I'm just like, yeah, that's what's up. Everybody starts running around like crazy speaking different languages. I'm just like yes, what's up? Yeah, I don't It must have sucked really bad To live like a long-ass time ago. I mean aside from like the dire like there are annoyances that I don't think about Because like that so long ago was such dog shit I mean I guess it just was different everything's dog shit all the time that's the history of life but

like I know that if I go to France or if I hear like a hello do you have a place where I could put my cigarette I know that's a French guy imagine being like a fucking Viking warlord psycho

named Svardgund and the Brave or whatever. And you get in your gay-ass little boat and you go over to the fucking place where the English and the French are kind of in the same zone. That little place where the channel is. And you just hear a bunch of like, it's so

dark and gray outside. I do not want to hunt today. It's very cold. You'd probably kill all of them. I would hate that shit. I don't know why they're French speaking English, but that's what they're, as you said, you're the historian. I am French.

A French guy. It're the historian. I am French. A French guy. It is 600 AD and I am French. I am French eating a croissant. Just kidding. That was very racist. And we have nothing against French people. In fact, there are people with French ancestry even on this show. Yeah, me.

You know? I don't talk about this often, but I'm up to 12% French. And it's not something I take lightly. You know, there's a lot of people who wish they were in my position. You know, people say, all the time they come up to me and they say, you look just like Bella Hadid. You know, and I say, I know. But that's not my daily life, you know what I mean?

I found out recently that there was a town in, there is a town in Pennsylvania that like 200 years ago, this guy john hayden and his sons jacob hayden hey that's this guy well not me literally but they found in this town and there was a bunch of like iron and coal and shit and they it was like bigger than pittsburgh therefore it was gonna be like the big pennsylvania city and something happened whatever. And now it's just like an unincorporated town where people go to like, I guess like do fentanyl and die.

But I want to go there because I'm like, I'm the fucking, my middle name is after that line, the side of the family. This is hundreds and hundreds. I think it was actually

in the 1700s or whatever the fuck. Like when it was a colony. Pennsylvania, Dutch, whatever the fuck. And, I don't know man man that stuff's interesting to me i want to go to a place where a guy who may have looked a little like me had money and was important because i i don't think that

i'm ever gonna have anything like that here and that's okay like i'm not really concerned about that but i want to occupy a physical space that just a blip in time ago was operated by a guy who maybe maybe looked a little like me and who was like damn there's a lot of fucking iron out on that mountain and i'm gonna go get it and he went and got it and then he built a whole town and uh you know he had a bunch of sons and daughters and shit and got a city named after him it literally doesn't she could barely shows up on the map i had to zoom in and it's like an unincorporated community i think with like less than 200 people now um and it's you know rife with fucking inbreds and amish and yeah the orc people of america Whatever the fuck Appalachian and

Amish are. The kind of like colonial America rural people that just they're just not all there. The rural southern people I understand.

But when I took a road trip to maryland and i went to like west virginia and stuff and like rural maryland i don't understand those people i understand how they speak but they're a different type of stupid like people from like rural maryland it's like what's going on out here you got they all talk goofy as fuck. And they all just like, they're like Florida people, kind of. Like, they're like, it's bizarre. I just have in my mind that all of the Northeast is just like liberal. And then you like go to like rural parts of, you know, Maryland. And it's like's like well they're more racist than we are down here you know what i mean like it's we it's just weird it's just like

my understanding of the northeast being from the south my whole life whatever yeah and i had people well i mean you don't really think of it as rural no i don't and i was like i mean you know like i always i was like when i think Maryland, I think Baltimore. Yeah, and I think D.C. I thought, dude, I had never been to D.C. I had seen pictures of it. And I was staying with, shout out to my buddy Tom. I don't know if he listens to this show.

But we stayed at his place, and I hung out with some friends from Twitter. And he was like, yeah, we can go to D.C. if you want. And I was like, dude, hold on. I was like yeah we can go to dc if you want and i was like dude what hold on i was like hold on hold on that we gotta i gotta pack a bag and he's like you just gotta get on the freeway and i was like ah and so we went we go into the city and uh he was like yeah there's there's dc's over there it's just like 10 blocks that way and i was like it didn't compute to me because i have this idea of DC as this white, not race-wise, but it's just,

it's like an Acropolis-type pantheon thing. I know people that live there. I know that it's not like that, but because I hadn't laid eyes on it, I'd seen too many movies and I'd seen pictures. I was like, no, this is how it is. It's a hellhole. It's shit.

It's stupid. West Virginia is very beautiful. We went to Harper's Ferry and it was gorgeous. And there's a place you can stand and look over the Potomac. there's a place you can stand and look over the Potomac. And it's the same place where Thomas Jefferson supposedly stood and said this was worth crossing the river for. Crossing the ocean for. I don't think that's what he said.

I think he probably said something more like, I'm going to kill and rape a bunch of people now that I'm here because there's nobody sort of here to stop me. Maybe he said jacking off is what I use lotion for. There's a big rock right there in that spot, and it's a cliff that overlooks the rushing Potomac River. It's beautiful. It's breathtaking, and you see the Appalachian Hills and whatever.

And on that rock and a piece of brass or bronze or i don't fucking know it's like thomas jefferson stood here in 17 whatever the fuck stood next to his you know point man and looked him in his eyes and said ladies and gentlemen we've we've crossed the greatest body of water on our beautiful planet and looking at this now in this wonderful landscape, this was worth crossing the Atlantic Ocean for. Too poetic. I don't think he said that. I don't think he said that at all.

I mean, he did write the Declaration of Independence. Yeah. He was a very flowery man. Yeah, yeah. He loved, he would have loved David Goggins. He was a light-skinned dude.

Yeah. He would have been really Goggins. He was a light-skinned dude. Yeah. He would have been really into Drake and Nav. Like, he would have loved Views. Probably would have been one of his favorite albums. Yeah, he would probably be doing freaking dances on TikTok now. Yeah, he would be doing... He'd be doing the Grey Sweatpants Challenge. Yeah, he'd be doing those videos where it's like a guy, like, gyrating in his car to, like, yeah, to fucking Jason Derulo or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, that type of stuff. I don't know if he said that. I really don't give a fuck. But it was cool to be in a place that old. I like old places. You know what I mean? Like, there are not a lot of them in the States because we're pretty new. You know, like, I say we, motherfuckers were here for a long ass time before we were, you know.

Cool. But Native Americans, you know, the Comanche, the. Oh, they mostly live in, like, Oklahoma and stuff, actually. But they mostly live in Oklahoma and stuff, actually. That would have been a great way to rewrite history as white people would have been like, dude, we got here and they all lived in trailer parks in Arizona. They love casinos. Yeah, look.

They opened the casinos. We couldn't close them. This is a massive continent, okay? We get here and they're all just in trailer parks in New Mexico and then, like, one town in Oklahoma. That's how it was. I swear to God, there were no empires. They didn't have cities and shit. They all lived in, like, one-bedroom apartments right outside Tulsa.

It's insane. You'd think with all this space they would have spaced out, but now they live in the bottom of the canyon, and they live in a trailer park in Arizona, and then they live in the deserts of Las Vegas. It's just, you know. Hey, what can you do? Hey, look.

John Adams is like, look, we tried to get them to come out. You know, we tried. We're like, look, you guys can have Washington if you want. No one's over there. Y'all go. Y'all got to go. Go on. Take it. It's yours. Have the country. No one's over there. Y'all go. Y'all got to go. Go on. Take it. Take it.

It's yours. Have the country. We're not there yet. Hey, look. As peaceful, loving conquerors from the British Isles, we're going to stay right here. Right here in West Virginia and Massachusetts Bay Colony. You guys can have the rest of the country. We won't take it from you.

And you know what they did? They said, no, fuck you. They said, we like it. They said, sorry, white people, we like it here in the Norman, Oklahoma area. I love living in Hobbs, New Mexico. It's one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me. Yeah, as a, you know... You know, we just like to, all 100 million of us,

we really like the Oklahoma panhandle. Yeah, it's beautiful. You can go. I can, look, I can go, I can stand outside my house and I can see my friend Tom's house. He lives right at the middle of Texas. We're stuck in these damn teepees, but we don't move them anywhere. If you guys have any beautiful trailers for us. And we've been looking for some addictions also.

If you guys can give us some addiction issues, we kind of need some of that. You know, this crazy thing out here, we don't have any corn mash liquor. And I just was thinking, thinking you know we've got we've got peyote it's it's okay you know it's not bad and we've got you know ditch weed which is pretty nice we've got you know um you know herbs and things but what we don't have is corn mash liquor that makes you blind and ruins and sort of ruins everything for generations so what what we would really appreciate we'll teach you how to grow uh you know carrots and shit if you could just give us some of that sweet sweet sweet white lightning that you guys

love so could you guys just name all your tobacco companies after us? I guess, yeah. If we could get like a sports team named after us here and there and then like a bunch of if you guys could do like a lot of bottles that looked like us. Yeah. Could you make a dipping tobacco

that only people who hate us would use? That would be great. You can call it Red Man if you'd like. Can you please put one of us on your butter as a thank you? Can you make a type of cigarette that only overeducated white people smoke and then put us on the front of it smoking a pipe? That would be nice as well. Make the cigarettes burn really long, too.

It would be a huge honor if we could be maybe... If there could be a honey bottle shaped like us or a syrup bottle or, you know, any sort of... If we could maybe an icon with one of us with a headdress on. It's a fair trade. Look, I don't mean If you guys could maybe have

John Wayne play one of us in a movie. Could you have Johnny Depp play one of the only guys that you guys know about about us? Could you have him play? Just a highly fictionalized version. I know it's like 1682

and no one really knows, you know, but... You know, it'd be nice. It'd be nice if that could happen. Have you ever been to, like, a tribe or driven through one, like a reservation? Yeah. Whenever we were driving through

Arizona, we stopped at a couple of them, I think. Not like in the villages or whatever. It would have been a weird move. But I'm just going to stop at people's houses. But anyway, we stopped at a couple of them. Hey, I'm just checking. This is the reservation.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what my people did to yours. It's truly sad. would you like a would you like a zen would you like a big gulp and half a cigarette that i have in the ashtray of my 1998 suburban no they make some badass necklaces though they do make badass necklaces actually i'm sitting on a big poncho right now that i bought from the native americans i drank a i drank moonshine that this OMAC guy made when I was in Washington. Which is funny, you know,

it all comes full circle, but I think I told this story on here when I came back, but I was drinking at this bar in like the Cascade Mountains, this little,

this little like Bavarian town, Leavenworth. And it's a fake Bavarian town. It's like it's a fake Bavarian town it's like Disneyland for like people who play Skyrim

and watch Hallmark movies anyway it's the only bar it's like the post office saloon or whatever the fuck and I was drunk as shit and I was like

I need a cigarette and the most like Boston guy in the world was like I got a fucking cigarette for you you gotta come outside though and I was like, I got a fucking cigarette for you. You got to come outside, though.

And I was like, okay, I'm going to smoke it inside. So we go out there, and there's just, like, a dude with a shaved head and gauges. And he's, like, olive-skinned, and he's just standing out there. And he's got a big duster coat on. And he's just standing out there chain-smoking and looking pissed off. I was like, all right, well, you know know i didn't think anything of it or whatever he comes over and he like quite almost literally does the like hey kid you want to you know like he just like opens up his coat and he hands me a jar he's like you seem like a cool guy man you want some of this and i was like what is that and he was like it's uh apple shine i i made it and i

was like i don't know if it's a good idea and he's like i've been drinking this all day you should drink it and i was like 100% man yeah i'll drink it and uh it had like chunks of weird white apple in it i guess it was apple it was like a brownish color it was he probably could have degreased the c10 engine did you purchase it or well so he um we were we were just sipping it and i was like what i i asked him i was like where like do you you don't live in leavenworth do you live in wenatchee which is a town like i guess 40 minutes west or whatever and he goes no i live on a reservation it's out in the mountains a little bit up the road i was like i didn't know there was one out here. He's like, yeah, most people don't, you know, especially tourists.

And I was like, right. He was a real ball buster. I don't think he was trying. I think he was fucking with me. But he was like, yeah, most people don't know that this little tourist trap you got here is just right outside a place where, you know, we've sort of been for a thousand years or whatever the fuck, you know. And he was like, I was like like why do you have this shit he was like oh i make a fuck ton of it in the mountains and then i come down here to leavenworth washington to sell it to drunk white people like you and i was like oh he was like this is my last jar and we've already drank it we sat

in the back alleyway together and while my girlfriend, well, my fiance now, girlfriend at the time, Ashley, same one. I didn't get a new one. It's Monday. Hey, good news, guys. Something crazy happened.

Good thing you dropped almost at the end of the podcast. By the way, I had a global crisis. Something really bad happened to me. No, she was just talking to this girl she met at the bar as well. And we just, him and I sat out there. And we came back over and actually drank some or whatever. But he just, he said that he makes it up there.

And then he comes down and he sells it to tourists in the mason jar. He offered me the latter half of the bottle for like 15 bucks. But at that point, dude, like I've drank, you know they sell it at liquor stores, you know, in the mason jar he offered me the the latter half of the bottle for like 15 bucks but at that point dude like i've drank you know they sell it at liquor stores you know in the mason jars it's called it's like moonshine brand but it's not i don't know if you've ever like had like like actual shine if you've had ever clear you've had pretty much moonshine i don't think i've had it okay it's think i think it would be a very distinct memory for me, or lack thereof. Right.

It's like hard drive wiper. You have like two or three gulps of it, and it's nothing. The rest of the evening, you're at the whim of the white devil, the white lightning, the white liquid. You know what I mean? But I don't know. I just think it's funny. So like the town is not, when he said he sells it to tourists, I was like, the town is not really a place where I would imagine people will go to buy moonshine.

It's a place where they film a lot of Hallmark movies there. It's like, or Hallmark movies are made to look like this place. It's like very Christmassy, very wintery, very like fake German or whatever the fuck the fuck you know guys walk around in lederhosen with big ass steins and they're like whatever the fuck um just not the place i think that you could sell bootleg liquor but apparently it is i guess but i mean you know business was good or it wasn't i don't know what there's a lot of money to that guy he lived on a on a reservation and uh and i think he had i think clearly from what he was sort of expressing was that, you know, it's a nice place. It's a pretty place to live, but it's still a fucking, you know, still a reservation or whatever. But anyway, it would have been funny if he drugged me and killed me.

I think that would have been much funnier than just like. Yeah, you would have deserved it, you fucking white devil. He was the Boston guy came back outside outside it's funny you say that and the boston guy and him boston here's what i learned about boston guys that night and i kind of already you get an idea about boston irish types if you take a historically disenfranchised and abused and murdered group of people for any time period, and if you could take a Boston Irish guy and introduce them to that, the Boston Irish guy is going to be like, yeah, well, I'm Boston Irish. And we were slaves, too. You know what? Like those guys.

Like guys are like, it wasn't easy. We came off the boats and we got sent straight to work, you know, fucking at the pot. Fucking stupid accent. Anyway, they were talking back and forth. And the guy was like, dude, I'm Native American. It's not the same. He was like, yeah, but like, you know, I'm white, but I'm like, you know, like we weren't we weren't like like like like French or British like coming over here. Like we had to fucking work.

You know, we didn't have houses. And he was like. He was like, dude, everybody killed us. Like it wasn't like everybody like like they were. It was getting heated. But like it was it was so cartoonish to both of them when they were both so drunk that I even think that they recognize the kind of community. They were standing pretty close. It was so cartoonish to both of them when they were both so drunk that I even think that they recognized the kind of community. They were standing pretty close.

And I was talking with Ashley and this other couple that we had met. We were smoking. And they had started talking. And I was hearing tidbits. And he was like, yeah, you don't fucking get it. Like, I know. But this shit happened to you like fucking like 500 fucking years ago. Like back in Southie, it's the same. It's poverty.

Everybody, all of my fucking cousins they're all they all fucking work at they all work at the bar they all fucking work on costs that's it they don't fucking do nothing else and and again the guy's like everybody we don't have a culture anymore like we don't i don't know anything about i know that i'm omeg and i know you know that I'm OMAC and I know, you know, that our language is once flourished up here is spoken no longer. Like we had these mountains and now it's like a neighborhood of us spread, you know? And he was like, yeah,

that fucking sucks, man. But like, imagine growing up like, and you're, and you're next to all these big colleges and all your fucking cousins just sell heroin. And, and what are you supposed to do you know you fucking move to seattle you work in tech you know i say you know i'm the one that got out and he's like right man yeah again

like you guys used to cut our heads off and shit like it just but i guess my point being is is that like i i myself i went to i went to school with a guy who was like that. I had a history class or whatever, and he would be like, you know, the Irish were slaves too. And the professor was like, yeah, I mean, they were treated pretty poorly, but the nativists and the English here and people born on American soil were certainly unkind to you. You guys were abused. But I don't think, you know. Yeah, yeah. We came over on boats like the fucking black people did.

It's like, man, you know. I understand that there was a genocide happening in Ireland too. It's called a famine, but it wasn't really that or whatever. But Boston Irish guys are very special. I think it takes a certain type of willful ignorance to be like, yeah, my grandparents died of starvation, and I'm just as much of a minority as a Mexican guy. Or, like, any black youth. It's the same for us. It's like,

dude, you, your life is good. Now you're technically American. You're a white American. You're not, you're not Irish American anymore. Those times have changed.

You, you got it, man. You can do whatever you want. I don't, you don't have to, you don't have to work at the, at your uncle's mechanic shop or whatever the fuck, you know, you can, you can go have to, you don't have to work at your uncle's mechanic shop

or whatever the fuck. You know, you can, you can go to Harvard, you can go to Harvard and fucking, you know, be in goodwill hunting

or whatever the fuck. It's fucked up that they made that college over there in one of the worst parts of the world. Like, that place is just,

you know. Oh, Harvard? I haven't been in forever. Yeah, since I graduated, I, I know? Oh, Harvard. I haven't been in forever. Yeah. Uh, since I graduated, I,

I know actually, I think it was since the last time I spoke at Harvard. I like, I, I think, uh, when I was a, when I was younger,

I was like, I want to go to Harvard. When I was like a kid. Cause it's like, I, none of my parents went to college no one in my family really did I think my aunt went to like I think she eventually got her degree like later on in life but nobody nobody went to school when they you know whatever I remember Harvard I knew about it's like I knew about Harvard and I knew about UT I don't know why those are the two that I knew about you know but like I knew about Harvard and I knew about UT. I don't know why those are the two that I knew about, you know, but like I didn't know about like, to me there were like six colleges or whatever. There was the community college by the house that everyone I knew went to.

And then there was like UT, U of H, and Harvard. And Yale or whatever. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go to Harvard. And just, I, you know, God bless my mom. She was like, you can do whatever you want, son. But, like, no. You know what I mean? Like, I think, you know, like, you just, it's not.

No, I'm not. I definitely had, I guess, maybe the sob story that could have gotten me to Harvard. But I'm nowhere near smart enough to even approach getting into that school. Yeah, you've got to have your daycare transcripts to get in there if you're not a legacy. You have to have had the worst life possible. I'm saying that I had enough of a sob story to get in, but you read some of the people who go to there from war-torn. It's like, yeah, my father and my uncle were on different sides of the Civil War, and they cut each other's penises off, and they tortured each other,

and then I got on a raft, and I ate piss and dog food for 16 months, and then I landed on the shores of beautiful Miami, and now I'm at Harvard, and it's like, no, my parents were mean to each other. I'm getting the right one where I'm playing hard to get, where I say, I don't give a fuck about school. I'm almost 24. I'm only taking to get, where I say, I don't give a fuck about school. I'm almost 24.

I'm only taking one class right now, and I'm doing bad. My back hurts a lot, and sometimes I pee myself in my sleep a little bit, but it doesn't come out of my pants. It just stays in my underwear a little bit, and I'm addicted to candy, and I don't like working hard. Right now, I'm addicted to candy. And I don't like working hard.

Right now I'm addicted to a video game where I mow lawns. And in real life I also mow lawns. And I have a podcast. I don't work very hard on it. I don't really listen to it. I don't even tell people about it. And let's see what what else uh

and uh and my girlfriend cuts my hair and that is my college application and if you like it let me know if not i don't give a fuck and and if you want to follow me on Twitter, I just did the monetization thing, and I've gotten $0 so far. $0 on that. I want to make it clear, I don't give a fuck about Harvard. I need you to know. I don't give a fuck. I don't know where this is. I don't know what Harvard is or who that is.

But I'm sending $50 in Monopoly money. So that's my application fee and if y'all don't like it kiss my ass motherfucker I uh when I was applying to schools I applied to UT yeah and it was one of the first ones I applied to I didn't know how to write

I didn't know how to write a college like application like essay so like it wasn, it wasn't that. I just, like, in my brief, I didn't have anybody to ask. Like, I didn't have any friends that, like, that went to college or anything. And so, like, I'm like, dude, by the way, my SAT scores, I was, like, bottom 25% of my class. Like, I'm not UT material. Like, I, you know, I took AP tests or whatever, but I just didn't –

I just took them for the credit. I didn't do well, like, grade-wise in school or whatever. And so I didn't – on paper, I was a complete and utter moron. Like, an absolute stupid idiot. I actually know it in hindsight. I don't know what the grading scale was i don't get the essay i don't know what the grading scale was or is or how it compared anyway it doesn't matter the essay i remember writing for ut was like hey my name is jake i'm 18 like it was like an mtv like uh like

the dating shows they used to have was like my name is mitch i'm from galveston texas and i really like surfing like i was trying to write like things about myself but i hadn't done anything interesting at that point in time other than like acid and like getting arrested so i was like i was like yeah i know i've only been to austin one time i hear it's really cool my name is jake i want to study um maybe acting or politics. I don't really know. I didn't do very good in school because I was smoking a lot of weed because I was sad as hell. And I was drinking a lot of alcohol, too, with my dad.

He's really cool. His name's Dave. Maybe you'll get to meet him. I was just trying to write a story about my life. And then I come to find out that like a college essay is like a little bit of that but it's like what were your extracurriculars like what did you you know like i i seriously in the essay was just like damn like it's i've had a crazy ass life like look at me damn i love drinking miller light look at your boy i love drinking miller light

with my dad and watching the Mask until I get scared. It's been a wacky. I was 13 when I got a boner for the first time. Yeah. And it made my day bigger when it happened. Yeah, it was crazy. When I was nine years old, my dad was like, we're going to go see Cars. And he took me to see Saw, and I didn't sleep for like a year after that until my 10th birthday.

And now, you know, now I'm 18 now. But I'm a grown man now. I make my own decisions. I can do bad on my own. And that's why I'm 18. I'm a grown-ass bitch. I do what I please. I got a Pontiac.

I fuck bitches. Sunfire. I smoke fucking bitchy. I kill people. Yeah. I'm a bad person. I play guitar. I smoke weed. I kill people. That's a bad person i play guitar i smoke weed i kill people that's what i do holla holla at your boy and here's here's a night here's a here's a fucking

abraham lincoln on the house for me as a as a token of my appreciation that rejected of course it was like i think i sent i think i paid to send harvard a freestyle that's actually really funny if you're being serious. That's awesome. No, I'm pretty sure I did. I thought it would be funny when I was like 18. I paid like the $50, and then I sent them like a freestyle essay. Oh, like a flow, like a rap?

Yeah. That's so awesome. That's so sick. And then I just never even checked my email. Well, like. Like, I didn't even, like, have, like, transcripts sent over or anything. I just, like, paid to do that, fill out the application form where I just sent in my rhymes. That's awesome, dude.

I just went my separate ways with the college knowing that I'd done what I needed to do. went my separate ways yeah with the college knowing that i'd done what i needed to do well like when i got accepted into st edwards which is where i ended up going i was like why the fuck did y'all let me in here like this is like a like a like a private like catholic school i can't afford this shit well they gave me like a bunch of money or whatever but even then i was like what the fuck did you guys do that or whatever you know like it i don't you know i don't give a fuck i i never i don't know like i when i was like what the fuck did you guys do that or whatever you know like it i don't you know i don't give a fuck i i never i don't know like i when i was in high school i wanted to go to like a cool city but i didn't have enough money for all the applications i didn't i don't know about

you i didn't get it really to put in that many applications when my mom found out there were like 80 bucks a pop and like i i was working at joe's crab shack like the like my last um i guess like the last month and into the summer of my senior high school but they were like 80 bucks a pop and so my mom was like all right you know here's what we got basically like what schools you want to apply to and i was like i want to go i want to check out u of h i want to check out ut i want to check Like, what schools do you want to apply to? And I was like, I want to go. I want to check out U of H. I want to check out UT.

I want to check out, you know, Yale. I want to check out Harvard. Not getting into any of those. I didn't get into any of those schools. I didn't get into any of those schools or whatever the fuck. You know, I got into, like, two or three schools. And I ended up going to, you know, or whatever. But, like, so, like, all of my, like, when i got to college and i like met my friend group and some of them like came for money or whatever they're like yeah dude i applied to like 30 schools

and i just didn't know i like didn't understand that you know what i mean like i just wasn't i was like wherever it goes wherever assessment gives me money like that's where i'm gonna go to school for four years i guess which was like something that i like didn't understand until i like actually got to come yeah i think i only applied to like two or three schools yeah yeah i think i think i got i applied in waves i would get rejected like four at a time and then i was like then i'm like i'd wait a bit to ask my mom i'm like i'm applied to two more and you know i'm gonna apply to a couple more And, you know, I'm going to apply to a couple more. And then, you know, like I just picked St. Edwards or whatever the fuck. It was like one of the only schools that accepted me.

Wow. How'd that feel? Dude, earnestly, honestly, sincerely, genuinely. I was like, damn, I'm'm gonna go to college cool like I I got accepted and it was really exciting obviously cause like

you know like my mom didn't graduate high school my dad I think graduated when he was like 19 or something 20 or something he took he took a victory lap whatever the fuck

and and I was like oh that's cool you know like that victory lap or whatever the fuck. And I was like, oh, that's cool. You know, like, that's sick or whatever. Yeah, I guess it was exciting or whatever. It's hard for me to think back that far. I'm old. Yeah. I'm like 52 years old.

Yeah, you are. But. It is what it is. But, yeah, I mean, I don't know. It was cool or whatever. Like, I don't. I shouldn't have gone to college right out of high school, 100%. Yeah, same here. Like, having gone to grad school and, like, was able to succeed in doing that,

at least in terms of getting good grades, like, they should make you take a third test. Like, other than the SATs and your, like, your tax or your star or whatever, like, your senior year of high school you get a test it's like like uh there's a keg of beer in the room and there's three guys that you met 22 minutes ago there's no one else in the room do you finish the keg of beer yes or no question two someone presents you with an eight ball of cocaine. You have several family members who cocaine has ruined their lives. Do you do the cocaine? Yes or no?

Question three. You've had 15 beers. You could stay at your friend Mike's place, but you don't want to stay at Mike's place. You want to go play Grand Theft Auto and jack off in your own bed. Do you drive your car 45 minutes from Mike's place? They should make you take a test like that. And you have to answer honestly. Or else, you know and you take that test every year and then when you pass it you get to apply for school or whatever the fuck yeah question one your winky is growing do you smush it

question two you smushed your winky And something happened to it Is there something Green or white? Question three Is the green or white stuff Is it smushy and did it come out of you? That's the test that I would write Yeah that's the maturity test

Question four There's green and white smushies Of Of sperms on a napkin. Did it come out of your thing? This is a carbon monoxide poisoning test that they do before you go to college. I was going to say, I think if you administered that test to children, I think you would be in jail in one minute.

Question one. your that test to children i think you would be in jail in one minute question one so let's say you're 18 years old you're ready to go to school right yes let's say there's a thousand sperms on your shirt do you wash it or do you try and swallow the shirt hole question two i'm a 32 year old man and you just turned 18. Do you think a 32-year-old man with a studio apartment and his own car is impressive? Yes or no? Question three, do bald guys scare you or do you think that older guys like that are hot? Question four, do you think it's sexy that I have a little poop in my underwear at the end of the day when I get home from work because I'm 36 years old and I have bowel issues from years of alcohol abuse? Do you think it's cute that I go poop a little bit on me? Question five, do real men have stinky feet? Do real men have stinky feet?

Question six. Is it true that 18-year-olds look up to, admire, and want a healthy sexual role model to guide them through the perils of life? Yes or no? Question seven. What's your favorite thing about older, fat, white men? Question eight. Do you wear thongs? Question nine.

Would you change your wardrobe for an older, middle- fat white man question 10 how would your family feel about you moving in with a guy who just moved out of his parents place at 31 years old question 11 would you submit to an older fat white man in every and make every wish he had a dream come true? Question 13. Do you think FUPAs are hot on guys? Question 14. Do you consider yourself hip with the times in terms of

memes or is an old cool dad still okay to you? Question 15. Would you consider yourself a trad-based e-girl or more of a leftist goth mommy? Question 16. Is it okay for girls like you to have a sleepover with an older, fat, white, bald man like me? Question 16. Do you think 2016 Ford Taurus is a sexy car for a grown man to drive? The next question.

Are you woke or do you still find older guys attractive question 18 this is a short answer question write 200 words on what you would do if I if I picked you up from your parents place and I took you to a beach at midnight

and there was a full moon and I pulled out a ukulele. Would you let me sing to you? 200 words, please. Question 69. What is your favorite John Mayer song? And why is it slow dancing in a burning room? Question 20. Yeah. Question 20.

Question 20. Do you think that it's adorable and cute that sometimes a fat old white man's penis doesn't work all the time like an 18-year-old studs would? Question one. Is it? doesn't work all the time like an 18-year-old studs would question one is it this is the second page this is the second this is part two this is part two of the test we've got through this is that now we're on part two question one is it okay for regular older white fall fat bald guys to have a poly Pocket collection for his girlfriend? Question two. Do you think it would turn you on if I took you into a bedroom and it was wall-to-wall Darth Vader Funko Pops and you got to look up at them while we hung out and laid in my bed and listened to Harry Styles together? Yes or no? Question three.

Are you worried about prom? Question four. Do you think condoms are yucky? Question five, would you help protect me if I got beat up by jocks? yeah man that That test, honestly... You should have to take that to get into... The Universal Institute of Colin. With all of the right-wing moral parents.

It's just one guy. It's just... Yeah, the... The Art Institute of Randy. Just, you know. Yeah, young woman. Look, we don't want young women becoming nasty whores with body counts. Just like a PSA, like the superintendent.

The guy that's giving the test. He's like, look, you know, there's a lot of panic about young women going off to college and experimenting sexually with lots of men. And we know that this is bad for society. So we're going to start administering. You guys take your star tests and your SATs, you know, and your benchmarks. We're going to start administering the Randy test. Randy test stands for really awesome, nice dude. Yup.

And that's named after me um and basically what the randy test is is a test of purity the men don't have to take this test because we know that when when boys go to college hey it's it's all for the boys that's how you mean boys will be boys but if you're a young 18 year old girl in the audience you're going to need to take the randy test because if we feel that you are not emotionally mature enough to go off to a four-year university you will stay in 12th 12th grade until you properly pass the randy test and you go on a date uh with me that's i don't mean to give away the answers but the really the only way you can pass the randy test is going on a date with me and so i'm not going to give too much away about myself, but this is for your purity.

This is for your chastity. The last thing we need is women going off to college and having sex with lots of men and becoming problem drinkers and not being good wives to their future husbands. So the Randy test will be administered to all 18 year old girls that are blonde and play on the volleyball team junior varsity is okay um i i do not want in i none of the musical theater girls you don't have to take this test we're not really concerned about you guys or the choir we want to we want to oh no or the choir girls. No, please. No debate club girls either. Really just the preppy girls.

We're really worried about you guys. We're really worried about the preppy girls that drive the pink Mustang GTs. And those are the ones that we believe are at most risk for abusing their chastity. We don't really care about um and you know any other types of high school girls so um thank you guys for coming to this assembly if you like this assembly you can pay five dollars a month to get more assemblies you can go on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time uh toss us five bucks a month that gives you access to like 200 episodes i think at this point um discord access um and uh yeah uh yeah all that stuff and then 10 bucks a month you get a honcho

that's backlog of video episodes we do one of those a month um i'm about to go up to thomas's place i'm playing playing some shows with the band. I'm going to swing by Thomas' and film some work. We've got a cool little something coming for you guys here pretty soon. You guys are going to love that. $10 a month gets you access to all the bonus episodes, all the

video episodes, and Discord access. $50 a month is just a nice thing you can do. No one really does it except for a friend of ours. A couple people. really does it except for a friend of ours. A couple people. A couple people who are a friend of the show. Yeah, go on and check that out. Patreon.com slash PendejoTime slash The Tim Dillon Show

slash True Crime Obsessed slash... What are the most successful podcasts? Slash Chopper Trap House. I think Matt andane's on top right now slash matt and shane listen shane gillis listen i know i you text me every day and you say dude i wish i was as funny as you my uh you you deserve my career he says that to me every day i would say to shane gillis right now i would say listen shane i've never talked to you and i think thomas has hung out with you once or twice i would say to you come on the show man. Let's hash it out.

You know, let's just let's say Thomas is looking at me so fucking Thomas is like, please dude. Don't you ruin this for me. No, I'm just kidding. You know, I hate to say it but

I probably am Shane's best friend. It's sad to think about. Yeah, you go bowling with a guy. No, anyway, friend of the show, but thank you guys for listening. And we will be back next week with more hard-hitting college analysis. Yeah, thanks for listening to the Randy Test. Goodbye.